I'd Do Her

by Fire Gazer the Alchemist

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Comedy
Length: 8486

You really shouldn't make sexual comments about your friends, Rainbow Dash.

Being subtle isn't Rainbow Dash's strong suit. At all. So when Applejack asks her point blank what she thinks of Rarity, she doesn't hold back.

Not her best idea.

Pre-Read by: SapphireColors | LoneUnicornWriter

Reading by LandonWho

Published 2015-01-19 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-21 00:02:50 UTC

Dares

Rainbow hovered mere feet away from an immensely sweaty Applejack. She watched as her friend struggled against gravity by reaching up and wrapping a hoof around a sturdy-looking tree branch. Applejack grunted as she pulled her body up a few more inches, and Rainbow matched her height by flying up a little more. Perspiration poured out of Applejack in copious amounts, and being so close gave Rainbow a front row seat to a stench that she could only describe as overly ripened apples.

Flapping her wings, she put some distance between her and the radiating smell. “Come on, AJ, just a few more branches to go.”

Applejack ground her teeth in determination. “Why are ya rootin’ fer me? Ya realize if Ah make it ta the top, then it’ll be mah turn ta come up with a dare.”

“Yeah, I know.” Rainbow waved her hoof dismissively. Glancing down, she saw the sixty feet of tree that Applejack had already conquered. “But it’s been pretty awesome to see you make it this far. Besides, it’d really suck for you to fall.”

Unconsciously, Applejack’s eye darted down. It was only for half a second, but the sheer magnitude of her height sunk in. “Ah reckon you’re right ‘bout that.” Her next grab for a branch was shaky.

Tilting her head up, Rainbow saw the marginal distance left before the top branch. There was no denying it; Applejack was about to conquer the largest tree in all of Ponyville.

“Remind me to come up with a more challenging dare next time around,” she absent-mindedly thought out loud.

Applejack snickered. “Assumin’ that ya can even do mah dare, that is.”

Rainbow moved up some more so they could be eye level again. “I know I can handle anything you can think of.”

Reaching for the last limb, Applejack grinned and hoisted herself up. “Whoo… made it,” she panted, sitting on the branch. For her effort, Rainbow Dash clapped her hooves together.

“Nicely done. So what are you going to dare me to do?”

“Let… me catch… mah breath, Sugarcube.” Applejack breathed heavily with exertion.

Rainbow sighed. “Fine, but don’t take too long. I actually want to get a turn today, otherwise how am I supposed to prove I’m the most daring pony?”

Applejack snorted. “Ah–” There was an unmistakable snap of a tree branch, and suddenly she was falling. Her body fell into the leafy limbs below as a loud scream escaped her mouth. Rainbow swooped down and reached for her. Applejack collided with a branch and the impact sent her hurtling out of range. Cursing, Rainbow flew faster, but couldn’t reach anywhere near her top speed with all the branches in the way. The ground was racing towards the both of them, not leaving a lot of time for mistakes. Grappling with all her strength, Rainbow managed to latch onto one of Applejack’s hooves and slow down.

“Thanks, partner.” Applejack smiled, and then looked down. “That was a little too close fer comfort.”

“I’ll say.” Rainbow slowly lowered Applejack until she was safely standing on the ground. “You all right?”

“Mah back took a pretty nasty hit.” She rubbed the spot on her back that hit the branch and cringed. “That hurts somethin’ fierce.” Face still expressing pain, she looked at Rainbow. “Think maybe we could go ta the hospital?”

“That’s probably a good idea, but don’t forget you owe me a dare.” They started walking towards town.

“Ah’ll think of one on the way there,” Applejack promised.

“Good, I’m itching to do something exciting.” She saw Applejack experiencing some discomfort just from the mere act of walking. “You know, Fluttershy’s place is probably closer than the hospital. She could patch you up, or whatever.”

Applejack shook her head. “Ah don’t want ta go ta Fluttershy fer something like this. She’d just get all… apologize-y.”

Rainbow raised her eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Knowing how close Rainbow and Fluttershy were, Applejack chose her next words carefully. “It’s just… she keeps on apologizing fer every little thing, especially when it ain’t her fault. If we went ta her, she’d probably be all ‘Oh my, I’m so sorry that you got hurt, Applejack’. It just annoys me sometimes, ya know?”

“Well… I guess. But no pony’s perfect. I mean, Pinkie’s a lot fun, but I can only handle her in small doses.”

Applejack nodded. “Same here. Ah don’t know how anypony could keep up with her.”

“And while Twilight’s a great friend, she’s way too much of an egghead. Half the time I barely even know what the heck she’s talking about.”

"Hey, Twi's a great pony. Ya shouldn't complain 'bout her just 'cause ya aren't smart enough ta keep up." The practically angry way Applejack said the words made Rainbow raise her eyebrows in shock.

"Geeze AJ, I didn't know you had a soft spot for the egghead."

Color flushed onto Applejack's cheeks. "Ah don't, I just–"

"Sure you don't." Rainbow smirked.

"Ah don't," Applejack insisted, grumbling towards the ground.

They’d crossed into town at this point, and Rainbow had to start focusing on the road as there was a sudden surge in traffic. Ponies of all colors ambled about, and she dropped their conversation in favor of not bumping into somepony.

“What about Rarity?” Applejack asked, after they’d passed the bulk of the crowd.

“Huh?”

“Well, ya said nopony’s perfect, so Ah was wondering what yer gripe with Rarity is.”

“Besides the fact that she never shuts up about fashion?” Rainbow gave it some thought. “Well… not too much, I guess. She's uptight, but at the same time really frickin' hot. I’d totally do her.”

“What?” Applejack froze in the middle of the street. Rainbow took two steps before realizing this and back pedaled. “Come again?”

“I’d do her,” Dash reiterated.

“You mean…”

“I would nail her. Bang her. Buck her. Call it whatever you want; I would do Rarity if I had the chance.”

Applejack's expression suddenly changed from mild discomfort to shock. “Uh, Rainbow…”

“I mean, who wouldn’t? She’s got the curviest set of flanks I’ve ever seen, not to mention her–”

“Rainbow, ya should really stop.”

“I gotta say, it wouldn’t suck to hop into bed with her and shove her face between my–”

“Ah’m serious! Put a sock in it.”

“I bet I could even make her squeal.” Before Dash could continue, she heard somepony clear their throat directly behind her. Every muscle in her body tensed up in recognition, and she cringed. Applejack wore an “Ah warned ya” expression on her face, but looked just a little worried herself. Slowly, and ruefully, Rainbow Dash turned around to face a seething, red-faced unicorn. “Heeeeeey, Rares.”

“How dare you.” Rarity’s scowl could make minotaurs wilt in fear. Her voice was like a knife, cold and sharp. Surprisingly though, she wasn’t shouting, and didn’t really seem angry. Yet.

“Funny story. You see, I was talking about a completely different–”

“HOW DARE YOU!” She was definitely shouting and angry now. Her knife-like voice had become a chainsaw. Rarity marched forward, and in turn Dash scrambled to back up. “You uncouth, degrading, vile, egotistical, brute!”

Rainbow held up a hoof. “In my defense–” Rarity’s hoof moved so fast even Dash didn’t have time to process it.

Crack.

Dash reeled from the slap, taking a few steps backwards from the sheer force. She moved her hoof to her stinging face. “Oww…” Then the full force of the pain made it to her brain. “Oww, buck!”

“Hmmph!” Rarity whirled her body around so fast that her tail caught the other side of Rainbow’s face. As she huffily trotted off, she called back, “As if I’d ever do such things with the likes of you!”

Rainbow spat indigo hairs from her mouth, still attempting to nurse her whacked cheek. For a moment, there was silence. Then Applejack burst out laughing.

“Bwuhahahaha!” She fell to the ground, rolling on her injured back. “Haha – ow – hahaha!”

“It’s not that funny,” Rainbow muttered embarrassedly.

“You're right!” Applejack wiped a tear from her eyes and paused. “That was hilarious! Ahahahaha!”

“Shut up,” Dash growled.

As the laughter fit calmed a little, Applejack sat back up. “Ya really bucked that up, didn’tcha?” Rainbow grunted in reply. “On the bright side, Ah finally thought of a dare fer ya.”

Her eyebrow arched. “Yeah? What is it?”

Applejack smirked viciously. “Ah dare ya ta make Rarity squeal by the end of the day.”

“WHAT?”

Rainbow's Attempt

Okay, here I go. Three... Two... One! Rainbow Dash outstretched her hoof, but it froze in mid-air before she could knock on the door to Carosuel Boutique. Images of Rarity's pissed face flashed across her mind and caused her cheek to sting in remembrance. Her bottom lip retreated into her mouth as she lowered her foreleg.

All right, no big deal. That was... just a practice knock. Yeah... I'm not actually scared of talking to Rarity or anything like that. I was just practicing... Okay, for real this time. Her hoof shot forward and hit the door with the ferocity of lemonade. A split second after the inaudible knock, Rainbow's wings shot open and she flew into the nearest bush. Though later she would deny it, a cold sweat had broken out on the back of her neck. She waited, her lungs refusing to exhale, for several seconds. Eventually, she peeked between the leaves and saw that Rarity had not checked the door. Rainbow sighed in minor relief.

"Howdy." Flinching, Rainbow looked to her left and saw Applejack reposed in the bush next to hers.

"What the? How the?" She shook her head and glared at a very smug Applejack. "Shouldn't you be at the hospital, or something?"

"Eenope, Ah'm good. Pinkie stopped earlier by and gave me an ice-pack." Applejack held up a snow blue bag filled to near bursting with half-melted ice cubes.

"How did she even--"

"Pinkie Sense."

"Of course," Rainbow muttered to herself. "So you've been spying on me?"

"Ah guess ya can say that. Somepony had ta make sure ya followed through with the dare."

"How long?" Rainbow's eyes narrowed.

"'Bout half an hour. It's actually bin real funny watchin' ya try ta work up the nerve ta talk ta her."

Rainbow scrunched up her face. "I haven't been trying to 'work up the nerve'. I've just..." She struggled for a justification. "I'm testing the waters."

"Beg pardon?"

"You heard me." Rainbow shifted in her bush, brushing a few leaves from her coat as she did. "I'm testing the waters before I go in for the kill."

"By chickening out after touching the door ta her house?"

"Rarity might still be mad about earlier," she claimed. "And I didn't chicken out of anything."

Applejack's eyebrow not-so-surreptitiously rose. "Uh huh. So how long will ya be 'testin' the waters'?" Ya realize ya only got till the end o' the day."

Rainbow grunted. "I know! There's just... there's an art to getting a mare into bed. I know it's tough for somepony with no experience to understand, but these things take time."

"This from the mare who rutted Fleetfoot three minutes after the Equestria Games ended?"

The cold sweat returned as Rainbow remembered the little white lie she'd fed her friends last month. Applejack had been dubious about it for weeks, and Rainbow wasn't about to let the charade drop now. "Rarity is nothing like Fleetfoot! I've got to take my time with her, all right?" She sunk lower in the bush. "I still can't believe you dared me to make her squeal. Of all the--"

"Ya know, ya could just give up and admit Ah'm the more darin' pony."

"No way!" She emerged from the shrubbery, a determined gleam in her eye. In a flash, Rainbow marched up to the door and gave it three sharp knocks before all the confidence drained from her body.

On the other side of the door she heard the shuffling of hooves, followed by the unmistakable voice of Rarity calling out, "I'll be right there!"

Rainbow felt liking bolting for the bush again, but knowing that Applejack was watching erased her hopes for a strategic retreat. Her locked-in-place legs confirmed this and she could only wait for the door to swing open.

When the inevitable finally happened, Rarity appeared on the other side. Her eager expression soured upon seeing Rainbow Dash. As fast as it opened, the door began to shut, accompanied by a grunt of disgust.

"No, wait!" Rainbow threw her hoof out to stop the door. It blocked the middle of the doorway just in time to catch the full force of the slam. She choked back an exclamation of pain, and found that Rarity was still trying to force the door close, hoof or no. Rainbow's ears flicked when she heard Applejack stifle a snort of laughter, and her determination came back. "Can we talk for a sec?"

The door didn't budge an inch. "What do you want to talk about?"

How about you get the BUCKING DOOR off of my hoof first! "Uh... I kind of owe you an apology."

Mercifully, the pressure on Dash's hoof dissipated as the door gave way to Rarity's stern expression. "You 'kind of' owe me an apology?"

She sighed. "Okay, I really owe you an apology." Rarity stood expectantly and Rainbow lowered her head. "I'm sorry."

"For?"

Rainbow ground her teeth together. "For saying I'd do you."

Rarity nodded her head. Rainbow grinned and prepared to say something both charming and suggestive in order to get to second base or beyond. Instead she was cut off before she began. "Apology not accepted."

What?

Before Rainbow could vocalize her sudden, rising anger, Rarity's ignited horn flung the door back in her face. In the last possible instance, Rainbow forced her hoof to act like a door stop once again.

"Why not?" she demanded, pushing it back open.

"Quite simply, darling," Rarity practically spat the word. "It's because I can tell your apology is insincere."

"Insincere?" Rainbow fumed. No pony had ever said that to her before. "I'm the most sincere pony you've ever met! All of my apologies are sincere! Hell, sincerity is my middle name!"

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Well then, Rainbow Danger Professionalism Sincerity Dash, do you even know what you did wrong?"

Rainbow opened her mouth, ready to heatedly respond, when she realized she didn't have the answer Rarity probably wanted. It was too late to not say anything though, so she went with it. "No. Honestly, you should have taken it as a compliment!"

"Why I never!" Rarity's voice climbed a full octave before she paused to calm down. "You humiliated me in public, Rainbow! Not to mention your talk of wanton sexual escapades involving me has already spurred a dozen rumors around town about myself, my sexuality, and the two of us."

Oh. Rainbow wanted to feel bad for that, but she still had a mission to accomplish. It was already past noon and Rarity was far from squealing. "All right, what do I have to do?"

Rarity's eyebrow graced the top of her forehead. "Excuse me?"

"What do I have to do to prove to you my apology is sincere?"

It took a moment for Rarity to respond. "You want to know what you can do to prove your sincerity?"

"Yes."

"Come to the spa with me."

Had Rainbow been drinking cider, that would've caused the biggest spit take of her life. "W-What?"

"I know how much you utterly despise the spa, so if you attend a session with me, then I will know you're truly sorry for what you did."

"What, like... right now?"

"Yes. Fluttershy and I reserved a session for today, but sadly she had to cancel, and I would hate to waste a trip."

"B-But, I... uh..." Rainbow racked her brain trying to think of an excuse to get out of this. Anything would be better than the spa. "Uh... Wouldn't going to the spa with me just worsen those rumors you mentioned?"

"I'm willing to risk it if it means proving your sincerity."

Rainbow gulped. "Uh.... uh..."

"If you don't want to, that's fine." Rarity moved to close the door.

Rainbow's eyes widened. "Wait!" She wasn't going to risk losing; the most daring pony in Equestria was just going to have to suffer through being pampered if she was going to get laid today. "All right," she shouted through clenched teeth. "Let's go to the spa."

Rarity beamed. "Wonderful."

Rainbow groaned internally as Rarity walked by. At least she would be able to take solace in the fact that she'd get to do it with Rarity once this was over. She had to; there was no way she was going to let Applejack have the satisfaction of winning and seeing her dragged to a spa in the same day.

Her eyes darted over to the bush she knew her friend was hiding in. It was impossible to guess how much laughter Applejack was holding in right now.

"Rainbow, aren't you coming?"

She shot a glance over to Rarity, who was impatiently tapping her hoof on the ground. She lowered her head, ears flopping down. "Yeah..."

"This sucks."

Rainbow squinted at the fluorescent lights above her as Aloe leaned her head back and proceeded to vigorously scrub her shampooed mane. The constant tugging sensation was irritating to say the least, and Rainbow struggled to remain still.

"Oh come now, Rainbow," Rarity sighed in the next chair over. "You're getting your mane washed. I know the concept is foreign to you, but it can't be that bad."

Aloe's hooves choose that particular moment to dig into her scalp roughly and practically yank all of her hair out.

"Ah!" Rainbow cried. "Not so rough, geeze."

"Sorry, but your hair is filled with an appalling amount of knots." Aloe's words fell upon uncomprehending ears, as she spoke in her native language from Prance.

She blinked. "Uh... No habla Fancy." Aloe rolled her eyes, and Rainbow could practically feel Rarity do the same.

"Forgive her Aloe," Rarity said in the same language. "She's a moron." Aloe nodded thoughtfully, and Rainbow turned.

"You understood her? You speak Fancy?"

Rarity groaned as Lotus worked on her hair. Switching back to her native tongue she replied, "Prench, Rainbow. And yes, I do."

Rainbow stared in earnest shock while Aloe proceeded to wash her hair thoroughly. When the deed was done, she bolted out of the chair as fast as equinely possible.

"So, we done yet?" Rainbow asked as Rarity gingerly sat up.

She blinked. "Are you joking, Rainbow? We just got here."

"And we did the spa thing." Rainbow was eager to leave now. If she didn't start putting the moves on Rarity soon, there was no way they'd be bucking anytime soon, and the spa was completely throwing her off her game.

Rarity chuckled lightly. "Rainbow, we haven't even gotten started yet."

Sweet Celestia. She suddenly found herself being pulled through the spa. Rarity dragged her past dozens of stations while Rainbow's hooves dragged along the ceramic tiles on the floor. She bit her lip in discomfort and looked around at the places she guessed they would eventually visit. They finally came to a stop a giant hot tub. Poking her head just over the side, Rainbow could see a constant stream of tiny bubbles floating to the surface, likely emitting from some sort of underwater jets that were keeping the water warm.

"I'm guessing we're supposed to get in."

"Don't tell me that you're going to complain about this one too."

"Actually, this one won't be so bad," Rainbow admitted. She propelled herself up with her wings and yelled, "Cannonball!" Landing with a resounding splash, she sent water everywhere. When she surfaced, she heard a disgruntled scream. Looking off to the side, she saw Rarity had been drenched.

"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity seethed. "Must you be so uncivilized?"

Instead of laughing like she usually would have, Rainbow cringed as she realized how counterintuitive her action was. "My bad."

Rarity huffed angrily, before gently climbing into the tub herself. Rainbow watched as Rarity leaned her head partially underwater and shut her eyes. She didn't move for quite some time.

"Are we just supposed to do nothing?"

Rarity's face crinkled with annoyance. "We're supposed to soak."

"For how long?"

"As long as we want." Translation: "Until I say we're done."

Rainbow sighed and kicked her hoofs underwater a little. Minutes passed as Rarity barely moved. Dash began getting antsy with nothing to do. The idea to start a splash fight tickled her brain, but she shot the idea down. No doubt it would just set her back further in her dare.

She glanced around, her eyes eventually falling to Rarity. Her immobility was staggering. Save the subtle rise and fall of her chest under the water's surface, there was no movement from her body. Attempting to duplicate her, Rainbow maneuvered into a similar position and allowed the water to hold her. After a few seconds, she frustratedly moved again, giving up on staying still. She just didn't get it. Her focus turned back to Rarity.

"So..." Rainbow attempted to get a conversation going. No sense in doing nothing when she could instead be ingratiating herself to Rarity. If only she had something to say to her.

"So?" One of Rarity's eye popped open. She was expecting some sort of discussion now; there was no going back. Rainbow decided to say the first thing that came to mind.

"So, uh... What kind of rumors were ponies spreading about us?"

Rarity's other eye open slowly. "What kind do you think?" A sheepish grin was all Rainbow could offer. "You know, if you were trying to apologize to me, you wouldn't bring up the thing currently ruining my reputation."

"I am trying to apologize. I'm at the spa, aren't I?"

"And making a rather poor attempt to enjoy it."

Dash crossed her forelegs. "What's there to enjoy? It's a spa, and I'm Rainbow Dash. I may not be an egghead, but even I can tell when something that's awesome mixes with something lame, the awesome thing loses some of its awesomeness because of the sheer lameness from the lame thing."

Rarity blinked, barely comprehending the drivel that just spilled out of Dash. When she finally made sense of it, her brow narrowed. "Oh, so the spa is lame?" She frowned, clearly offended. "So I suppose I'm lame then too for liking it?"

"... I didn't say that."

"Right, instead you said, and I quote, 'I'd totally do Rarity if I had the chance'."

"Hey, I apologized! And it wasn't insincere for pony's sake."

"Yes, it was. You showed up at my house randomly, claiming to be sorry despite not realizing what you did was wrong, and you did so without even caring how I felt about all this. If that isn't the definition of insincerity, then I don't know what is." Rarity's face was red with boiling rage.

Rainbow was about to offer a retort, but forced herself not to. Saying anything at this point would just enrage Rarity further, and push away Dash's chance at completing the dare. Sure they might still have some form of angry sex if she did continue the argument, but what were the odds that Rarity would squeal during that? Dash grumbled away her retort and sunk further into the water.

Rarity stood suddenly. "I believe I'm done soaking, and I think you are too. You can go home now."

Oh crap. Rainbow followed Rarity as she exited the tub, unwilling to admit defeat. "Wait, give me another chance."

"To do what?" Rarity asked as she removed a bath robe from a nearby hook. "To apologize? I think you've made it clear that you're not sorry for what you did in the slightest."

"No, I am, I swear!" Thank Celestia I'm not the Element of Honesty. "You think I would have come here if I wasn't?"

"Maybe, maybe not. For all I know this could be an attempt to get me to sleep with you."

"...Heh, come on Rares, that's ridiculous."

Rarity snorted derisively. "Well I certainly can't think of any other motivation for you to have come here."

Damn, she smart. I've got to convince her otherwise, or I'll never be able to make her squeal. "How about I really am trying to be sincere!" Dash threw up her hooves. "The last time I came to a spa, the Crusaders spread a rumor from here to Cloudsdale that'd I'd gone soft. Do you really think I would want anything to do with this place ever again after that? I'm here because I'm trying to prove to you that I really am sorry. Have just a little faith in me, Rares."

Rarity paused, attempting to process Rainbow's words. After a while, she sighed. "Put this on." With her magic she tossed a bathrobe over. Rainbow caught it with one hoof, and saw Rarity sliding hers over her body.

Great, we're putting clothes on now? That's, like, the opposite of progress. Nevertheless she slid hers on. Rarity must be starting to believe her at least, since she apparently got to stay at the spa.

"So... Where to now?"

"The sauna."

"That's the sweat thing, right?" Her question was answered by Rarity's groan.

Rainbow grinned. The sauna might actually help her cause. A small space with just the two of them would be great. All she needed to do was get a little sweaty, turn on the charming sexiness, and plow Rarity till she squealed. Should be easy enough.

They came upon the sauna shortly, and Dash rushed forward to open the door. She stepped aside in a big show to let Rarity in first.

"Uh... Thank you, Rainbow." Rarity was clearly confused at the sudden display of chivalry, but wasn't upset by it. When she looked inside the sauna however, her features did compress into an expression of distaste. Curious, Rainbow poked her head around the corner. On the other side she saw an orange mare with a curly mane already sweating it up.

Great, Carrot Top's here. So much for plowing Rarity in the sauna. Unless we all... no, I doubt that'll happen.

"Rarity," Carrot Top greeted rather icily.

"Carrot," Rarity coldly returned. "I, unfortunately, didn't realize you would be here today." Dash glanced from one to the other and could easily tell that they did not care for the other's company.

"Same to you. I see you brought your new marefriend along. Tell me, how many hours in the boudoir did it take for you to get her here?" Carrot Top smiled wickedly as Rarity's jaw visibly clenched.

"Hey, lay off," Rainbow offered in support of her friend.

Carrot Top raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I get it now. You promised to 'do' her in the sauna didn't you, Rarity? How classy."

Steam was practically pouring out of Rarity's ears, and Rainbow was just as pissed. Carrot Top's talk of them having sex in the sauna was going to prevent them from having sex in the sauna.

Rarity opened her mouth. "I–"

"Here's an idea," Rainbow interrupted. "Why don't you take that bitchy attitude somewhere far away, and shove it up your ass! If you'd like some help, I can oblige."

Carrot Top went slack jawed. After several failed attempts to make a retort, she got up and brushed past both of them with a "humph" of anger. Rainbow made a point of slamming the door behind them.

"...Thank you, Rainbow," Rarity said as she took a seat. "While that was a little uncouth, it was certainly better than sharing a sauna with her."

Rainbow sat down too, feeling the sudden heat wash over her. "No problem. So... what was that all about anyways?"

Sighing, Rarity answered, "We haven't gotten along in years."

"Because?"

"I might have offered a few suggestions to improve her erroneous gardening routine that she didn't take kindly to."

Rainbow's brow knitted together. "And that's why she acted like a bitch to you?"

"It's a disagreement that's snowballed over time." Rarity rubbed a hoof against her temple. "Ugh, she's going to make my life a nightmare thanks to these rumors."

Seeing firsthoof the damage she'd done to Rarity's social life caused Dash to fill a twinge of guilt. "Want me to kick her ass?"

The spontaneous offer elicited a single laugh from Rarity. "No, no that's all right. I can handle her."

"Okay." Rainbow ensconced herself on the seat and didn't talk. Carrot Top's words stuck in the air even more so than the steam, leaving a faint awkwardness behind. Rainbow felt like she'd finally made some progress at least, so she didn't want to risk losing it.

Time passed, and Rainbow found the sauna to be a less torturous experience than she originally thought. Not to say that she didn't hate every minute of it... but it wasn't the worst thing ever. She allowed herself the smallest of relaxations, but kept her goal of nailing Rarity in her mind.

She kicked around a few ideas but none of them seemed good enough. Despite feeling confident in her wooing abilities earlier, she now realized she hadn't considered the finer details of how exactly she was supposed to charm Rarity enough into what would basically be a one night stand. After several minutes of mulling it over Rainbow came up with nothing. For the first time since declaring she would do Rarity, Rainbow actually wondered if she could do Rarity. The possibility was quickly shut down though. Rainbow knew she had more than enough awesomeness to sleep with Rarity; it was just a matter of when to display her awesomeness.

Eventually, a very sweaty Rarity rose from her seat. "I believe that's enough heat for one day. Ready?"

"Depends... What's next?"

"Massages. Try not to recoil in horror, will you?" There was the faintest of smiles at her lips.

Holy crap, she's actually joking with me! I guess I'd made more progress than I thought. "No promises," Rainbow remarked, trotting for the door.

On the other side, she noticed how packed the spa had become. Ponies were bustling about trying in vain to get through to some of the more crowded stations. The staff seemed frantic in trying to keep up with their surge in patrons, and Rainbow saw several of them speeding between the mud baths and the hot wax areas with sweat pouring down their faces.

"Certainly has picked up quite a bit in here," Rarity observed. Her head darted about as if she was looking for somepony. "I don't see Aloe or Lotus anywhere."

"Is that a problem?"

"Certainly. I won't get a massage from anypony else." Her head continued to whirl about, her search becoming even more frantic. Rainbow sighed with impatience.

"Why? Can you not make an exception this one time?" She could tell the answer was no even before she saw Rarity's stern expression.

"Absolutely not. I never settle for less than the best."

"Huh... Well I guess I can relate to that... All right, why don't we split up and look for them?" Rarity nodded her consent and began weaving through the throng before them. Rainbow was about to jump in as well when a faint tapping noise caught her attention. Following the noise, she saw an orange hoof banging against a nearby window. Checking to make sure nopony was looking, she dashed over. "Applejack?"

A freckled face greeted her. "Howdy, Rainbow, how's the spa treatin' ya?"

"Are you still spying on me?"

"Like Ah said before, somepony's got ta make sure ya do the dare. Though, ya've bin in there for three hours and Ah haven't heard a squeal yet. Ya givin' up?"

"No way! I... Wait, three hours?" Rainbow glanced past Applejack and stared at Celestia's sun. It was well beyond its apex and was dipping toward the horizon.

Applejack arched her brow. "Ya seriously didn't realize the time? Ah thought ya'd be counting the seconds 'til ya left."

"Time just... slipped away. Look, I haven't thrown in the towel yet. Just you wait AJ, Rarity'll be squealing like a pig when I'm done with her."

"Like a pig, huh." Applejack nodded, unconvinced. "Good luck with that."

Rainbow shut the window, her jaw clenched. She had to find a way to get Rarity out of the spa soon. Ripping off her bathrobe and chucking it on a passing bystander, she took flight. It wasn't to long until she found what appeared to be the massage station. She touched down and saw Rarity speaking to Aloe and Lotus.

They were speaking in Fancy -- err... Prench -- when she got within earshot, so she couldn't make sense of anything. Rarity caught sight of her shortly and smiled.

"Rainbow, excellent timing. We're in luck, they can take us now."

"I'm leaping with excitement," she deadpanned. Rarity rolled her eyes.

"Just lie down on your stomach." Begrudgingly, Rainbow hopped up on a cot Aloe was indicating towards and rolled over. Having no knowledge of what a massage was like made her prepare for the worst. So far the spa had been tolerable, but she knew better. Any second now this place is going to start sucking.

"Rainbow, relax," she heard Rarity insist. Her head turned to the side and she saw Rarity was already having her back rubbed by Lotus's steady hooves. "Aloe can't start if you're so tense."

"Fine." Rainbow sighed and let her muscles fall loose.

A few seconds passed, but Aloe did place her hooves across the surface of her back. Rainbow resisted the urge to tense up again as Aloe gently rubbed her hooves along her lumbar. Once it began, however, Rainbow couldn't find anything bad with it. She actually found herself oddly enjoying the experience as Aloe practically danced along her spine and unwound every last knot in her back. She heard a faint giggle from Rarity. "What?"

"Oh, it's nothing,". Rarity assured her with a wave of her hoof.. "I just love seeing the look on a pony's face when they get their first massage. I take it you're enjoying yourself?"

Rainbow considered her response carefully. "Hell yes!" Rarity actually laughed. "I do have one question though."

"What is it?"

"Why did you not tell me how great this feels?"

Rarity shook her head, but she did so with a smile. "I have told you, Rainbow, at least a dozen times, but you never believed me."

"Oh." Rainbow was suddenly hit with the many times she'd blown off Rarity's insistence that the spa was a great place. "Oh." She sighed as Aloe released another knot. "Well... I believe you now."

"I should hope so." Rarity smiled, and Dash offered one of her own in return.

They spent the rest of the massage just talking. As mundane as it was, Dash couldn't complain. Rarity had a lot of interesting things to say when Rainbow decided to listen. They shared laughter over a lot of Rarity's past clients, many of whom, -- as Rainbow learned -- liked wearing dresses about as much as she did. Maybe even less so. Apparently the only reason they came in were for one time formal occasions, leaving Rarity no discomfort in divulging their many clumsy escapades around her shop.

Rainbow even found out that Rarity knew a lot about the goings on of Ponyville. Despite the fact she knew Rarity to be a hub of gossip, she never guessed that most of the things that came her way were true. There were so many things to listen to, from the misadventures of ponies that always seemed to be in the background of Rainbow's daily life to just day to day facts about ponies. (Who would've guessed Lyra and Bon Bon were fillyfoolers?). By the time Rainbow felt Aloe's hooves drift away, she could safely say she was having a good time.

"How are you feeling, darling?" Rarity asked as she stood.

Rainbow stretched and flapped her wings. "Like I could fly from here to Canterlot without breaking a sweat."

"It is quite rejuvenating. Don't worry though, there's only one more thing you need to survive before our session is over."

"Really?" Rainbow was surprised to find disappointment bubbling inside her. "Well, let's, uh... get it over with, I guess. What are we doing?"

"Hooficures!" came Rarity's giddy response. Rainbow felt her face become paler. Her knees suddenly felt like jelly, and a familiar cold sweat broke out on her forehead.

"Y-you mean....for our hooves?"

"Naturally."

Rainbow bit the inside of her cheek so hard she drew blood. "Do we have to?"

Rarity blinked. "Well, yes. It's part of the session that I've already paid for." She paused. "Is something wrong, darling? I actually thought you were warming up to the spa."

"I am. Uh, I mean, I was. Wait no! I... Look, I just don't like other ponies touching my hooves, okay?"

"So that's what this is about?" Rarity put a gentle hoof on Rainbow's shoulder. "Come now, darling, I know it won't be bad. Getting a hooficure is a wonderful experience, trust me."

Rainbow didn't respond, so Rarity took that as a sign that she wanted this and dragged her to the next room. Aloe and Lotus had some lengthy chairs set up for them. When Dash saw the hoof files however, she flinched.

"Okay, I'm going now." Dash tried to run, but Rarity blocked her.

"What about your apology?"

"I think I've been sincere enough, Rarity, now let me out." She tried to maneuver around, but was pushed back. Rainbow stumbled, and fell onto the chair. Aloe smiled warmly at her and reached for a file. Whipping her head to her friend, Rainbow cried, "but, Rarity, it'll hurt."

"Nonsense, Rainbow." She stood next to the chair now, ready to prevent another escape attempt. "I must've had hundreds by now, and they've never hurt once."

"But..." The file neared her hoof and Rainbow began quivering. Suddenly Aloe froze. She set down the file and whispered something into Rarity's ear.

"Really?" Her blue eye's widened. Crouching to see, Rarity observed Rainbow's hooves with a growing look of horror. Rainbow probably would've cared if she hadn't been so relieved to escape the file. Only when Rarity cried out in shock did she finally get curious.

"What?"

"It's... your hooves Rainbow. I've never seen anything more cracked or disgusting in my entire life." Her eyes darted to the right and she recoiled in agony. "And I thought the left hoof was horrid."

"Yeah, they're always like that." Rainbow said.

"No wonder you hate having your hooves touched. Just walking on them must be painful."

"Sometimes," Rainbow admitted, extending her wings. "That's why I fly so much instead of walking."

Rarity turned, switching to Prench. "Aloe, can you fix them?"

Aloe took a pause to consider before responding "Maybe, but Rainbow Dash will probably scream like a bitch when I try. Hooves that horrendous can't be fixed without a lot of pain in the process. Do you still want me to attempt it?" Rarity nodded.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Rainbow demanded, hating not being able to understand. Rarity glanced at her ruefully.

"Sorry about this, darling, but Aloe simply must try to fix this... mess." Rainbow watched the spa pony grab the file again.

"Fix as in..."

"Yes. You'll thank me later, darling. Trust me."

Rainbow swallowed as her mouth suddenly became dry. In a flash she lurched forward, but Aloe was quicker grabbed her. She was much stronger than she looked, pressing Rainbow back into the chair. She shouted something in Prench and pressed the file against Dash's mangled hooves.

Outside the spa, Applejack was patiently reclining against the wall, her Stetson covering a good portion of her face. She wasn't asleep, but had been feeling rather sleepy for a while now, and figured she might as well be prepared. Also, less ponies bothered her this way.

It had been over an hour since her last talk with Rainbow Dash, and she still hadn't heard a squeal, not that she was expecting her friends to get busy in the spa anyway. She hadn't bothered to listen for one for a while now, and was really only waiting for them to leave at this point.

Just when she was about to doze off, the loudest, shrillest shriek imaginable cut through her ears and jolted every nerve in her body. It persisted for several seconds before being silenced abruptly.

Her ears still ringing, Applejack looked at the spa. "Sweet Celestia, Dash. Ah only said ta make her squeal."

The Squeal

The world around her was blurry and dim. Fuzzy shapes and outlines danced across her vision, obscuring what little she could hope to see. Rainbow Dash blinked, and attempted to focus away some of the chaos around her. As the blurs sharpened her hearing kicked in, and she could decipher what sounded like Rarity's voice.

"Oh, she's waking up! Rainbow? Rainbow, can you hear me?" One of the blurs waved back and forth right in front of her face. As she finally began to see, Rainbow could make out a white hoof shaking in front of her face..

"R-Rarity?" She forced herself to sit up on the lounge chair as her surroundings became visible. Rarity was directly in front of her, a look of concern on her face. Aloe and Lotus stood off to the side, their faces holding more curiosity than concern. Rainbow rubbed her face as eyes fully adjusted to being awake again. "What happened?"

"I touched you with the file and you cried like a bitch before passing out," Aloe spoke. Her Prench words were lost on Dash's ears, but she couldn't help but think something offensive was said about her.

"It was hilarious," Lotus threw in.

"Immensely"

Rainbow looked to Rarity. "What are they saying?"

"Just that... umm... when Aloe touched you with the file you screamed a lot and then slipped into unconsciousness."

Groaning, Dash threw her head into her hooves. "Great. Just great. The last thing I need is this getting out."

"Relax, darling, I won't tell a soul." Rarity glanced toward the spa twins. "And neither will they. I saw to that."

Offering a weak grin, Rainbow looked up. "Thanks." With her hooves not covering her face anymore, she was able to see them clearly. Her eyes widened with shock. Aside from the cyan color of her coat, everything about them had changed. She was used to seeing thick layers of dirt or mud coating her dry hooves, with chips and tiny splits decorating the bottom and sides. Now... none of that. They were sparkling clean and whole again. "Whoa."

Rarity grinned. "What, did you think passing out was going to save you from getting a hooficure?"

Rainbow laughed a little. "I guess not... I just... I didn't expect them to look this... nice."

"You're welcome." Rarity reached over and tapped her hoof against Dash's. "No pain?"

"None." She wasn't really sure how to feel. On one hoof, she'd just been given a hooficure against her will, on the other... her hooves never felt better. It was a shock to think that the spa of all places had been the cause of this. "I don't even know what to say..." Her stomach growled.

Rarity giggled. "It seems one part of you does. Not that I'm surprised, it's likely been a while since you've eaten considering the time."

The time... oh shit! The dare! "What time is it?" Rainbow asked, her voice sounding more panicky than she cared to admit.

"Nearly five-thirty." Rarity nudged her head towards the exit door. "We can leave now so you can get something to eat if you want."

Rainbow was about to hop off her chair before she remembered. "Wait... I still need to prove to you my apology was sincere."

"After everything you've 'suffered' through today? Consider your apology accepted."

"Thanks... and it wasn't that bad," Dash admitted, standing up. "I mean, the hooficure was awful–"

"You weren't even awake for it!"

"–But everything else was bearable."

Rarity raised an eyebrow as they walked towards the exit. The crowd had dispersed slightly since Rainbow had last been conscious, and they were able to move about without bumping into anypony. "I see. Who would've have guessed it? Rainbow Dash enjoyed her trip to the spa."

"I said it was bearable!" Rainbow protested as they exited the building. "Don't go putting words in my mouth."

Smiling, Rarity came to a halt. "Well, I'll see you some other time, Rainbow Dash. You probably want to go and get dinner now."

From the corner of her eye, she saw Applejack not to far off in the distance, lounging on a bench. Her orange hoof waved smugly back and forth, as if she'd already won. Dash knitted her brow together.

Rarity was already walking away when Rainbow jumped in front of her. "You know... we don't have to part ways here. Do you wanna grab some food with me?"

Cocking her head, Rarity asked, "Just the two of us?"

Rainbow shrugged in an attempt to be nonchalant. "Yeah, if you want. Just the two of us eating dinner. Alone. Two friends... with food. I may light some candles or whatever, but it'll totally be casual."

A grin sprouted on Rarity's face that was borderline sultry. "Rainbow Dash, are you asking me out on a date?"

"Yeah..." She prepared herself to be shot down. Applejack was going to win the title of most daring pony now because Rainbow knew she'd just royally screwed up.

"You know." Rarity suddenly drew in closer. A lot closer. Her eyelids lowered slightly and she leaned in, her mouth parallel to Dash's ear. "We could always skip dinner and go straight to dessert."

Rainbow's eyes widened. Holy shit. Is this real? Or am I still in a hooficure-induced coma? No, it's gotta be real. Holy bucking shit this is actually happening! Rarity and I are totally going to–

"Why don't we hop right to it?" Rarity purred into her ear. "I'm sure you're eager to make me squeal before time's up."

Dash's heart skipped a beat. For a moment, the only thing she could hear was the sound of glass shattering.

"H-How did you know?"

Rarity gave a razor-like grin. "Applejack doesn't realize how loud her voice is sometimes. I heard her give you that dare from across the market."

"So... you knew the whole time, and still made me go the spa?" Rarity nodded, and patted Dash on the cheek with her hoof. "Why?"

"I saw the opportunity to finally get you in there, darling." She said the last word with an almost mocking sweetness. "I can't believe it worked to be honest with you. You must've really wanted to beat Applejack."

"Yeah..." Rainbow muttered, her eyes drifting towards the bench. "We've been trying to see who's the most daring pony by–"

"Oh don't bother explaining. The bottom line is, you spent the entire day at the spa in an attempt to sleep with me."

Dash forced a sheepish smile. "Yeah. I did, didn't I?" She cringed slightly at this realization. "Wow... Rarity, I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have taken that dare in the first place. I've been a real ass."

"Well, that was a rather crude apology," Rarity sighed "But you need not worry, darling, I've already forgiven you. You did just spend the entire day at the spa for nothing, after all. Even so... admittedly, I enjoyed having you there."

Rainbow smiled in earnest this time. "I guess I could've had a worse time hanging out with you, too."

"I'll take that as a compliment." Rarity's eyes flicked behind her to Applejack spying from the bench. "You know, you may have gotten some comeuppance for all this, but the instigator shouldn't be allowed to walk away from this unscathed."

"I like where this is going," Rainbow said with a devilish grin sprouting. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well, if you complete your dare, then you get to force her to do something asinine, correct?" Rainbow nodded. "Good. Lean in and pretend to whisper something in my ear."

The request confused Dash at first, but she obliged, putting her mouth within kissing distance of Rarity's ear. "So, what do you want me to sa–" Suddenly, Rainbow was cut off by the loudest, girliest, most genuine-sounding squeal she had ever head. Rarity kept it going for a full five seconds, guaranteeing that Applejack heard it. When Rainbow pulled away, her ears were ringing.

"There you go, darling," Rarity said. "I squealed."

Rainbow blinked, realizing what this meant. "Thank you."

"So... what do you have in store for Applejack?"

Her teeth flashed. "I have an idea." She took a few steps away, preparing to go to the unsuspecting pony on the bench.

"Say, Rainbow." She turned. "What would you say to coming to the spa with me again sometime?"

Rainbow thought about it for a moment. "I wouldn't hate it," she finally answered. Rarity smiled lightly, and walked away.

Turning back, Dash made her way over to Applejack. While she bore a smile of triumph, Applejack wore an expression of confusion. Rainbow plopped onto the bench next to her friend. "She squealed."

"Ah heard." Applejack shook her head. "Ya know, Ah didn't think ya'd pull it off. Especially after passin' out in the spa like that."

Rainbow did a double take. "You saw that?"

"Nah. Ah heard a scream, and when Ah checked inside ya were passed out."

Sighing, Dash decided to move on. "Well that doesn't matter, 'cause I pulled it off."

"Without havin' sex with her," Applejack noted.

"Hey, you never said I had to nail her." Rainbow Dash unconsciously glanced over to where Rarity was walking off. She'd actually just run into a purple mare that Rainbow identified as Twilight, and a grin bloomed on her face when she did.

"True, Ah can't deny that." Applejack tilted her head to the left. "What did ya say ta her ta make her squeal like that?"

Uh... "Just a special little phrase of mine. Works every time."

"Well... Ah suppose that means ya get ta give me a dare now." Applejack gave a short sigh. "All right, what is it? Gonna have me crawl through Ghastly Gorge? Fight a hydra? Read a book about orange farming?"

"All excellent ideas," Rainbow admitted. "But I've got something even worse in mind."

"Ain't nuthin' worse than oranges."

Rainbow's devilish smile got so big her face hurt. Extending her hoof she pointed in the direction of the two mares. "I dare you to march right up to Twilight, and make out with her."

All of the color drained from Applejack's face.

"WHAT?"