Pinkie Pie's Brush With Death
Editor's note: Pinkie's a bit hyper this morning. Please forgive her.
Why hello, reader! You want to hear a story? Well, I mean, you're looking at words on a page, well, I mean, probably actually one of those fancy differential machines with a screen you guys have, but anyway you're looking at words, and I guess you probably can't hear these. I dunno, maybe humans can hear with their eyes! Woah! But seriously, I've got a story to tell you! And even if you're reading this instead of listening, I bet you can still hear my voice. I'm inside your brain! Ooooo!
Okay, okay, sorry, I'm just excited. Where was I? Right, story time with Pinkamena Diane Pie! The one and only!
So, one day I was trotting through the forest, when... wait, wait. No. That's not how it started. Right, I was falling. Why, you ask? Well, I was helping out the Cutie Mark Crusaders. That's dangerous business, you know. I probably shouldn't have agreed to be the test pilot for their hang glider. Probably should have been Rainbow Dash or, you know, somepony else who can fly. They weren't getting their cutiemarks in aeronautical design, that's for sure, because three seconds after launching myself and their gliding contraption off of a cliff near Ghastly Gorge, both the machine and I were falling at an alarming rate. Toward the ground. Not up. Yeah, I know, but with Discord around, you never know. Yes, I was falling toward the ground.
Anywaysies, I was plummeting, and it was pretty quick too. Even I was a might bit worried. But I'm Pinkie Pie, the one and o... wait I used that phrase already. Darnit. I'm... The Incredible Pinkie Pie, and I have a few tricks in my mane. No, literally. There's a reason I rent a double unit at the self-storage hammerspace off Main and Von Karman. I've got a lotta stuff to keep track of.
Unfortunately, even I don't always plan ahead--as hard as that is to believe. I mean, I'm Pinkamena Planning Pie! You'd think since I'm so good at party planning, I'd also be good at ahead planning. Alas, we all have flaws. Where was I? Right, in the middle of a parenthetical dash. Don't you love how that phrase flows off the tongue? If I painted it, I could make it a rainbow dash! Haha ha... ha. Yeah, I know, I haven't eaten breakfast. I'm a bit scatterbrained.--and so my inflatable parachute was under a big pile of cutesenara supplies. Fortunately, I was able to grab a blanket in a pinch, and soon enough I was drifting peacefully down out the sky, glider wreckage falling below me.
Okay, I was still falling at about twenty miles an hour. It still hurt when I landed. Especially 'cause it was still super rocky and stuff at the bottom of the cliff. I don't think I broke anything, but I definitely twisted a hock and bloodied a few pasterns. Ouchy.
So, I landed at the bottom of the cliff in this raviney-thingie, bits and pieces of bamboo and tarping and string and stuff all around me. I was a bit dazed. Honestly, pretty scary. After like half a minute, or well, I think closer to 27 seconds, but what're a few seconds between friends, amirite? After a little, I manage to stand up, sore all over. I look up, and there, outlined by the sun, are three little silhouetted heads a few hundred gallops up. And they're like, "Yo, Pinkie Pie, you okay?"
Now, I usually I always have a smile on my face. I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of gal. But this was serious business. So I responded. "No, not really. You're hang glider fell apart on me. I'm lucky I was carrying a blanket!" My voice was all echoey, which I guess made things a little better.
"We're sorry! We're comin' down! We'll be there don't worry!" Applebloom shouted, and the three heads disappeared again. I figured they must be finding a route down. Could take a while. We really didn't plan this out very well, did we?
So, I've stood up, and I'm looking around, and I see some trees a bit away from the foot of the cliff, and figure I could use some shade. Yeah, it was a bit hot. Not too hot, but loose gravel ain't the most comfy place to wait for rescue. So I take a shaky step, and then another, and to my relief, nothing's broken. Well, as far as I can tell. I'm no doctor. So I limp over to the trees, but when I get there, there's this creepy hooded guy just standing there.
I'm all like, "Uh, hello?", and he's like, "Um, hiiii," back, all nervousy, and I know I'm supposed to start a new paragraph with new dialogue, but it just flows, so I will have two ponies speaking in the same paragraph if I want to, so you'll just have to deal with it!
So yeah, this pony had a really creaky voice, like a cart wheel that hasn't been oiled in forever or something like that. I trot up to him, my eyes all squinty and suspicious, and I'm like, "Do I know you?"
He draws back, like he doesn't want any pony too close, and I'm in serious-pony mode. But then I go to happy-pony mode, because he probably was just looking for a friend or something and I love making new friends! So I say "Hey, I don't think I've seen you before. Are you new around here? I'm Pinkie Pie, nice to meet you!"
I reach out a hoof to shake, but he just backs up some more until his haunch whacks a tree. "Uh, I'd rather not shake hooves. I'm... uh, allergic. Yeah, allergic!"
"Allergic? To what, friendship?" I blurt out. "Come on, mister mysterious pony. at least lower your hood! I can't see your face!"
"I don't think that would be a good idea," he says, but I thought that was nonsense. I mean, you can't be that ugly, can you? So I made a pouty face and my eyes started to water. "Pleeeeease," I begged.
Now, let me tell you, very few souls can resist the power of my puppy dog face. He caved in two seconds flat. Beat that, Rainbow Dash! So he says all croaky and mysteriously, "Okay, but I'm kind of scary."
So he lifts the cowl from his head, and... it's all bone. He doesn't have a head! Well, I mean, he does, but it's all skull. He's a skeleton!
I'm shocked at first. I mean, you would be too if you met a pony with no flesh or blood or sinews and other connecting tissues or lymph nodes or snot or muscles or I think you get my point. But then all the pieces clicked together in my head, and a light bulb appeared above it, and I grabbed it and stuffed it in my mane, 'cause I sell all those idea light bulbs to Twilight since she's pretty much the only one in Ponyville who actually uses light bulbs.
"Waaaait, just one minute!" I say all dramaticky. You're not a regular pony! You're Mort, the pale pony of death!"
He's a bit taken aback, at least as far as I could tell, since it's kind of hard to show facial expressions when you have no face."
"Yes, yes, I am," he says, probably relieved the guessing game is over and I didn't freak out. "Wait, how did you know who I was?" he asks. His mouth, well his jaw bones don't move when he talks. Seriously creepy.
"Well, duh," I giggle. I read about you in another story. Wait a minute. You're the pale pony of death. Was I supposed to die?"
Mort blushed, well he would have, anyway, if he could. But he did kind of sag a bit. "Not exactly," he said a bit feebly. "I mean, I knew it was going to be a near death experience for you, but I figured, you're Pinkie, those happen all the time. And sure enough you're fine. Though you should probably get that gouge on your flank cleaned up. I'd hate for an infection to be the thing to take ya'."
So he's the one who's always stalking me. Good to know. So I smiled, albeit a little shakily, because, let's face it, Death, near or not, is pretty scary. "Right, so, Mr. Mort, if I wasn't supposed to die, why are you here?"
"Well," he said, sheepishly, "I'm pretty reclusive. I was hoping... m-maybe you could be my... my friend."
I gasped! A pony--well shade, or whatever he calls himself--without friends? Impossible! "A pony without friends?!" I shouted, "That's impossible! Even if you're death-incarnate, you must have somepony you hang out with!"
Mort sighed. "Nope, I'm all by myself. After all, I'm just a lonely skeleton. I'm afraid I have no body."
Author's Note
