Clerks 3: Ponyville

by MarcDaJohnson

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Slice of Life, Crossover
Length: 2377

A new convenience store has opened in Ponyville being ran by none other than Randall and Dante.

A new convenience store has opened in Ponyville by none other than Randall and Dante. The store has provided a cheap place to get common items but has also brought some strange characters along with it.

Published 2012-04-30 11:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-02 16:08:32 UTC

Chapter 1

It was a bright and sunny day in the small town of Ponyville. The birds were chirping a joyful tune as everypony went about their daily routines. Donkeys pulling wagons rolled through the town, their carts filled to the top with candy, snacks and all sorts of miscellaneous objects. The wagons were heading for the new convenience store that had just opened down the road from Sugar Cube Corner. A small neon sign above the front door read Qwik-Trot in red and green lettering. The front window was covered by a metal grating that reached down from above. To the right is a dark blue movie store connected to the building. From off in the distance a grey earth pony with a messy black mane and a black scragly goatee is making his way down the street. On his flank is a small race car and he walked like he hadn't got a good nights sleep in days. Slowly he walked up to the metal grate and grabbed a short woven strap to lift the fence. To his dismay upon lifting the grate he noticed that someone had sparay painted 'Eat Pussy' across his brand new window. From down the way a group of schoolcolts laughed before trotting away back to the schoolhouse. Dante shot them a spiteful look and proceeded to unlock the front door.

Damn kids. Always fucking everything up. He thought to himself as he fiddled with his keyring trying to find the right key. At last he found the right fit and opened the door. As he does every morning Dante slowly walks over to the coffee pot to find it on... again. Damnit Randall, I told you a million times to make sure the pots turned off. After pouring himself a cup he turns around and to his surprise a light brown buck with a backwards baseball caps is standing before him.

"What's up big guy," Randall said before punching Dante in the shoulder with his hoof.

"You left the fucking coffee pot on again," he said, obviously annoyed.

"Oh did I? Sorry about that, you know how I get around closing time." Randall said with a forced smile.

"One day we're gonna come in and this place will just be a pill of ashes. Is that what you want?!" Dante said becoming more frustrated.

"Calm down Captain Buzzkill, I won't forget again." He replied as he thumbed through the latest issue of Mares Monthly. Randall was quite the connoisseur of adult media, his apartment walls adorned with posters of mares in 'suggestive' positions, along with an extensive collection of Dvds.

"Well make sure you don't," he said before attending to his cup of coffee. "Did you see the beautiful painting on the front window?" Dante said before pointing his hoof at said window.

"Yea I did and I for one think it's pretty bad ass. Them kids didn't mean any harm by it. Probably just wanted us to know they were here," he said before he started chuckling.

"Yea well they have a pretty shitty way of letting me know. Damn kids."

"Come on dude, it's not that bad. They could have done a dick that wraps around the whole building or a giant robot with tit lasers. Eat Pussy actually seems pretty classy if you ask me."

Randall, what the hell is wrong with you? And why aren't you next door doing your job?" Dante asked.

"Come on, we both know I won't have any customers. The selections so bad no one in their right mind would rent from there," he replied as he poured himself a slurpie. "And besides why would I stay there when I could hang over here with you?"

"Maybe because you get paid to run the video store?! I don't care, get fired. No skin off my nose."

"You know the half wits that own this place wouldn't know what to do without me. Hell, I practically run the place!" Randall boasted triumphantly.

"Yea right, and I'm going to get signed to a pro hockey team tomorrow. Why don't you go out there and clean off the window?

"Aye aye captain. Just remember this ain't the fucking Amistad, you can ask nicely," he joked before starting to head out side.

"Ok, would you pretty please go out there and clean the fucking window. Better?

"Just right"

***

Out front beside a Sunrise Sarsaparilla vending machine stood two shady looking unicorns. One was a dirty white with a short black mane that ran down and connected to a full beard. He was slightly heavyset and wore a long black trench coat. The other buck was skinny with a light brown coat and a long blonde mane. His head was covered with a beanie and a cigarette hung from mouth, which he only took out to take a swig off his can of Buckwieser. Beside them they had a boom box blasting some really brutal metal song. A really epic part in the song arrived and it compelled him to punt a half full beer into the street. To the displeasure of two passing by mares the can landed right at their hooves. They shot the two an angry look and started trotting along.

"Hey ladies, wanna take this party back to my place?" Jay shouted after them. They continued to ignore them and kept on walking. "Well fuck you too, sluts!" He turned to Bob and took a drag off his smoke. "You saw that, them bitches totally wanted me. You saw that." Bob turned and gave him a look that amounted to 'whatever you say' and took a drag off his own smoke. "Well fuck you too then. I don't need approval from and fudge packer like you."

From off in the distance a bouncing pink pony accompanied by a stylish looking unicorn were making their way through town.

"Pinkie dear, do you mind if we stop at the Qwik-Trot for a moment? I forgot to get some food for Opal and that will just not do."

"Sure I don't mind. I'm gonna get some candy and soda and cupcakes and maybe some more candy!"

"Maybe you should pick up some toothpaste while we're here, don't you think?"

"Nope"

Chapter 2

"So I'm just sitting at home right watching t.v. when that stupid ass movie with the hobbits comes on. I said to hell with that and popped in Lord of the Mares instead. So this mare is sleeping in a house inside of a hill, which is stupid as hell anyways. Then another mare bursts in screaming about how some fucking orcs are attacking or some shit. I don't know why but instead of doing the logical thing and running away, they start going down on eachother. The village is getting burned to the ground and they're just goin' at it. Just when they're almost done the door gets kicked down. A midget and some pointy eared son of a bitch come in going on about how they're here to save them. They sure as hell saved them alright. Way better than the original and only thirty minutes!" Randall said.

"Sometimes I wonder why I still listen to you. Everyday you come in and amaze me with your stupidity."

*Ding ding*

The two continued their conversation as the two mares entered the store. Pinkie grabbed a small basket as she walked by the stack as did Rarity. They split off down the rows in search of their items. Pinkie went straight for the candy and slid her hoof across the rack filling her basket to the brim with tasty treats. Rarity set out for cat food but became distracted by a spinning rack of jewelry. After a quick inspection she saw they were a bunch of cheap knock offs and placed the necklace she was looking at back on the display. Rarity quickly located the cat food and placed a few metal cans in her basket before regrouping with Pinkie. The pink pony was trying to figure out how to carry her soda since her basket was already full. She finally pulled it off through an absurd balancing act that shouldn't have even been possible. As the two made their way to the register they passed by the toothpaste section. Rarity covertly dropped a tube into Pinkie's basket, only in the best wishes of her sugar-crazed friend. They reached the counter while the two bucks continued to talk.

"And that wasn't even the craziest part. Then those orcs decided if everyone else is getting a piece, what not us?" His conversation was cut short by a gasp from the white mare.

"Excuse me, not to interrupt this horrid conversation that you two are having but me and my friend would like to make a purchase," Rarity said in an annoyed tone.

"Sure miss, ill take your stuff," Dante said trying to be nice and avoid her causing a scene. Pinkie jerked her back legs and the sodas flew off her back and landed on the counter in a perfect row. "That'll be twenty five bits altogether ma'am."

The white mare sat the bits on the counter and helped Pinkie get the sodas back on her back. With the goods in tow the mares made their way out the front door.

From behind the dumpster out back, Jay and Silent Bob emerged with their eyes as red as the devils dick. They casually strolled back toward the front off the store before being spotted by Pinkie. *Gasp* "Who are those ponies?" Pinkie spouted before hopping off gleefully to meet Jay and Bob.

"Hi I'm Pinkie Pie and I don't know you!" Pinkie practically screamed in their faces which startled the stoned duo. "And thats weird because I know everypony in Ponyville and I'm always looking to make new friends. Who are you guys? Where are you from? Do you like cupcakes? What do you do?" The pair stared off into space, blitzed out of their minds as the mare continued her endless barrage of questions.

"Hold up Bob. I think this pink thing is talking to us." Bob turned and nodded before facehoofing.

"Of course I am silly, I'm not talking to myself but come to think of it that wouldn't be too strange," the mare said before starting to giggle. "So who are you?"

"Well I'm Jay and this chode right here is Silent Bob. We kinda just stand outside stores and sell stuff." Jay replied.

"Neato, that sounds fun! Oooo I just got an idea. You should come meet us at the big tree house tonight. I promise you won't regret it," the excited young mare said.

"Yea I guess we can make it, right Bob?" He turned and looked to his friend who gave him a confirming nod.

"Okie dokie lokie, we'll see you then!" Pinkie said before bouncing off down the road.

***

As the duo approached the massive tree house they could already feel the thumping bass coming from inside. The two slowly trotted up to the door and gave it a small push. As soon as the door opened Jay and Bob were bombarded by a thick stream of milky white smoke. A stage was set up towards the back bookcase that had three light brown bucks with baggy clothing and similar goatee/mustache combos. Their voices boomed from two massive speakers placed on each side of the stage.

Sticky angel, I wanna leave it alone
but never ever ever gotta worry from my home
What that funny sound knocking at the door
Sorry Greenthumb can't talk no more
Please don't follow me into the sun
Hello my name is Dr. Greenthumb

"Now this is a fucking party." Jay said before sparking an excellently rolled doobie. Strobe lights flashed everywhere, filling the room with all sorts of colors.

"Are you mother fuckers ready to party!?" One of the bucks on stage shouted before receiving a loud roar from the crowd. "I can't hear you!" He screamed before the crowd let out a booming reply. "Good. Well first thing we need is a new DJ," he said before pointing at a dark brown buck passed out on the turntables. "Any DJs in the house?"

"Oooo, i got this!" Pinkie screamed before sprinting to a large carved out section in the wall. Pinkie reached in and retrieved a white unicorn with reflective glasses and a alternating blue mane. "I keep DJs stashed all around Ponyville, in case of DJ emergencies!" She said before bouncing off back into the crowd.

"Ok everypony, are you ready to party?" Shouted DJ Pwn-3 before laying a record on the turntables. All the strobe lights in the tree fell dim. The room sat quiet before the sound of a grand piano broke in. With each keystroke a single strobe would flash and the piano was soon joined by the sweet sound of a cello. The music dropped out and the strobes ceased. From out in the crowd a green mare screamed 'DJ, spin that shit!' as loud as she could.

Whomp whomp whomp do do whomp wub wub whomp do do o Weeuurrrrrr o Weeuurrrrrr whomp whomp whomp

The chaos of dub-step filled the room as the strobes fired in perfect harmony. The room pulsed with light and sound as the tree shook to its root from the trampling of hooves.

***

All around the tree ponies lay on the dirty ground, too drunk to stand or stay conscious, let alone make their way home. Only one mare was left standing on the dance floor, a light purple mare with a strawberry and a bunch of grapes on her flank. "Light-weights" she muttered before making her exit.

The group of bucks sat on stage, each smoking a blunt as thick as a unicorn horn. A grey pegasus with a blonde mane walked by the turntable and inadvertently bumped it with her flank. The record fell off and busted on the floor. The grouped stared at her while she placed a plate back on to the turntable. "Whats the plate for?" one buck asked. The pegasus took her hoof and scratched it on the plate mimicking a DJ. "Dude, it's been a long night."