Anon the Barbarian

by Goblindude

Rating: teen
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Other, Adventure, Sex, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1393

The human Anonymous, in an attempt to visit the Hyborian age gets transported to Equestria instead, but that doesnt stop him from adventuring.

Anonymous was a huge fan of Robert E. Howard. Conan and Kull were his idols, He read all the books, seen all the movies, read the comics and played the games.

He wanted to go to the Hyborian age, but something went wrong. Now he's in Equestria dressed as a barbarian, but that's not going to stop him from having fun.

Published 2014-12-22 00:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-22 00:30:06 UTC

Hail Cimmeri-what the hell?

‘Know, o princess, that between the years when the world forgot G3, and the rise of the Girls of Equestria, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars-

-Hither came Anon, the human, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of Equestria under his sneakered feet’ –The Canterlot Chronicles

It was finally time. After years of dreaming (and day dreaming) today he would finally do it. A month of preparation, a week of excited giggling, and now it was time. If the ritual worked he would find himself back in the Hyborian age. There adventure awaited him, adventure and women, lots of women…lots of scantily clad women. He was ready.

It was time, he performed the ritual exactly as it was written in the strange old book. Armed with only the dagger he had bought off of Amazon and wearing nothing but his shoes and a pair of underwear (he’d get a proper loincloth in Hyboria) he executed the ritual and in a flash of light he was gone.

“HAIL CIMMERI- uh… what?”

After the light faded the first thing he saw was a horse, a weird looking horse. It was small, had baby blue colored fur, and impossibly large eyes set in an impossibly large head. It stared up at him in horror.

“Uhhhhh” unable to articulately question the improbability of this occurrence he just grunted, this seemed to frighten the tiny horse monster as it quickly ran off.

He was left standing there trying to figure out what had just happened. Why was there a large headed tiny blue horse demon in Cimmeria… also why wasn’t he in Cimmeria? He was trying to get to Cimmeria and this didn’t look like Cimmeria, it was a forest but it wasn’t dark or cold or savage looking at all. He was probably somewhere in Hyboria, he was going to head there after visiting Cimmeria so he guessed he just arrived there sooner than he had expected. No problem, he’d just head to Cimmeria when he was done here. But he was left with one question… why was there a tiny blue horse demon running around Hyboria?

“Maybe a… wizard…did it?” he said to himself uncertainly.

He continued onward. Hopefully he’d come across something cool, like a battle or a monster or a scantily clad woman chained to a rock or something. Anything really.

Soon he came to the edge of the forest. There, spread out before him were vast fields and mountains, a medieval looking town (that was oddly brightly colored) lay before him, but what really caught his eye was the huge, marble palace perched atop the mountain. He stared up in wonder for a good couple minutes, then grinned.

He was in Hyboria! All he had to do was sell his services as a mercenary to whatever despot ruled that castle, then kill the despot and take the throne for himself. Simple!

He made his way to the town, there he might be able to learn more about the despotic ruler of this land. As he came closer he noticed many small shapes moving around, at first he thought they were people, but the closer he got he could see they were, in fact, more horse demons. Each a different color. He didn’t like this. As he got closer to the town many of the small horse monsters noticed him and an alarm went out. The next thing he knew there was panic!

Instead of the horse monsters attacking him (as he had hoped) the pastel colored demons fled in terror!

Once again he was dumbfounded. Did he just save the day? Were these adorable abominations terrorizing this town? Where were all the people? Were they eaten? If that was the case why wasn’t there any blood? Any gnawed skeletons lying about, any grisly half-digested remains? The hell was going on?

“Ahem!”

He turned around, there were six more ponies standing behind him, and they didn’t look like they were going to run. Well there was a yellow one that looked like it wanted to run, judging by how it was cowering behind the others, but the rest looked steadfast.

“Stop where you are” Spoke a purple horse monster with authority.

“Uhhhhhh…hi”

“Hello!” a pink one, chirped happily.

“Pinkie!” the purple one hissed and turned her attention back to him “What is your purpose in Ponyville?”

“Wait…where?”

“Ponyville”

“This is where we are, right now?”

“…yes I just said that, now what is your purpose here? Are you a threat or-“

“Wait wait wait, is Ponyville in Hyboria?”

“…where?”

“Hyboria”

“…no, Ponyville is in Equestria”

“Is Equestria near Hyboria?”

“…no, I’ve never heard of Hyboria, you’re in Equestria now answer the question, what is your purpo-“

“Are there any other humans here?”

“A what? Are you a human becau-“

“Oh god no, oh god no” he started to panic. “I’m not in Hyboria!”

“…no, I just said you were in Equestria, more importantly Ponyville now what are you doing here?”

“Sonnavabitch! It didn’t work!” At his outcry the six horse demons tensed up ready to attack, well five of them tensed up, the yellow one just flinched a little.

“What didn’t work? What are you doing here!? Wha-“

“I’m not supposed to be here! I was supposed to get transported to the Hyborian age! Nothing ever works the way its supposed to god damnit! God damnit!” he was now pacing back in forth before the now confused horse monsters. “God damnit! God damnit! God damnit-”

“Uhhh, Twi?”

“I don’t know Applejack, it think it might be lost”

“-Every time I think something is finally going my way it all gets screwed up somehow! Every time! Every Single Time! Why!? All I wanted to do wa-“

“Calm down, please, you’re making a scene” The purple monster spoke placing her hoof on his leg.

“I don’t wanna calm down I want to go to the god damn Hyborian age like I was supposed to instead of being to thing land of oddly colored horse monsters!”

“…we’re ponies actually an-“

“Oh that’s even better, I could’ve been having adventures and slaying enemies, battling monsters stealing treasure carousing in taverns getting drunk and having my way with buxom women-“

“I beg you’re pardon!” A white pony demon said blushing and looking a little offended.

“-But instead I’m in pretty little pony land! This is just great, oh joy!”

“Uhhhhhh” was all the purple one was able to say, unable to think up a proper way to respond to the ranting ape monster standing before her.

He sat down and held his head in his hands, fighting back tears. This is probably the last place he wanted to go to. His one opportunity wasted. His dreams where crushed, crushed by pretty pink pony hooves. Why did this always happen to him? Every time he was about to win he lost (and usually lost hard) he was tired of it. Why should he have to deal with this kind of stupid crap? Yeah… this is stupid, his luck is stupid. If he could change his luck he woul-wait… why not change his luck? If his luck wouldn’t change itself he’d just have to change it himself! Damn right when life gives you lemons you hold a gun to life’s head until life gives you something better! Life owes him now its time to make life pay up!

He’d make this work.

The horse monsters were talking amongst themselves when he stood up, a look of steely resolve on his face.

“I’m making this work”

“…What?”

“I said I’m making this work, I’m tired of being pushed around by life, its time I started pushing back, I wanted to have adventures in the Hyborian age so I’ll just have adventures here!”

“Ohhh-kay” The purple one said hesitantly, still wondering if he was a threat or not.

“I love adventures!” the pink one chimed in. “I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name!?”

“I haven’t come up with a cool barbarian name yet, just put me down for Anonymous for now”

“Anonymous? That’s kinda long, can I just call you Anon?”

“…yeah, actually that works… Anon the Barbarian…I like that”