I AM CAPTAIN TIVON ARNOLD OF THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF PANCAKES ORDERING YOU TO SEND ME HOME!

by ace_attorneyfan800

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 1860

A human turned into his OC pony and gets sent to Equestia story, but with more a mind to it. A.k.a he's watched too much Freeman's Mind and now is just as crazy as Ross Scott's Gordon Freeman.

All I wanted was a f*cking double cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake. WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! Now I'm in Equestria as my OC, can this day get any worse!? …. F*cking Charles Law.

(This is the result of too much time watching Freeman's Mind and reading mlp fics that involved the main character getting tuned into their OC)

(This fic is styled like a Freeman's Mind story so it will contain a lot of stuff you might see in Freeman's mind. So that means language, weird references(I think), and any other sh*t that might be in a Freeman's Mind episode)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-26 21:15:42 UTC

Cha-Fuck it

"Um Twilight?"

"Yes Spike?"

"Do you mind explaining to me exactly why you gathered the princesses, Cadence, Shining Armour, and your friends to show off a spell?" Spike asked as the aforementioned ponies gathered around in the room that held the mirror to the human world

"It's no ordinary spell Spike, it's a spell by Starswirll the Bearded that's said to teleport things from different dimensions." Twilight stated

"I remember that spell all too well." Celestia said with a giggle, "Last time he used it we had to fend of a crab like creature that had the tendency to latch onto somepony's head and turn them into a zombie like monster."

"Sounded awesome." Rainbow said

"Well I can assure you Rainbow it was rather quiet fun." Celestia said

"Now I've studied it and from the looks of things this shouldn't be a problem." Twilight stated, "Alright here goes nothing."

With a charge of her horn Twilight started some kind of chant.

"Makansep-ugh...Makakasepapa... Mekasappa... Oh the hell with it! Special Summon Spell!" Twilight shouted

All of a sudden Twilight's horn shot out a bolt of electricity.

"Is that how the spell go-OH GOD!" Shining shouted as he jumped out of the way of the beam which bounced around until it went through the portal with a voice being heard from the portal itself

"Riiicolaaaaa-AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" went Human Flash Sentry

"Oops!" Twilight said in fear

Meanwhile in the human world.

"Yeah can I get a double cheeseburger with a chocolate milkshake?" A human said to the McDonalds cashier

"Sure." the cashier said, "That'll be ten bucks."

The human then pulled out his wallet and handed the girl a ten and them placed his wallet back into his pocket.

"Hey Aria, one double-"

"I heard it Sonata!" shouted a fry cook

However the stray bolt from earlier flew in and started going all over the place.

"AH! WHO ORDERED THE LIGHTNING BOLT?!" A human cosplaying as Vegeta shouted

"NOT ME!" shouted someone cosplaying as Thor

"WHAT'S WITH ALL THE DAMN COSPLAYERS?!" someone shouted

"COMIC CON IS IN TOWN YOU IDIOT!" Someone else shouted

"Eh I've seen worse shit." the janitor said as he continued to mop the floor

"You and me both." the human in front of the register stated

All of a sudden said human got zapped by the lightning.

"OH GOD NOW I KNOW HOW FREEMAN FEELS!" the guy shouted before teleporting away

Meanwhile with the ponies.

"That can't be good." Twilight said with fear and wide eyes, "Who knows what unlucky victim could end up zapped by that bolt."

"And from the sound of things scared someone at the other end of the mirror." Rarity added

Meanwhile with Human Flash.

Human Flash Sentry was on the pavement looking up at the sky as he looked like he fell through a chimney. One by one a few students gathered around him.

"Yo Flash Sentry." said one with a red mohawk, "Ya alright?"

"Curse you TeamFourStar." Flash said as his hair steamed

And now back to Battlestar Galactica , I mean ponies!

"I just hope the spell finds something soon." Twilight stated

All of a sudden the room lit up a blinding light which made everyone shield their eyes. The light had stayed for at least five minutes  and then stopped. The group then uncovered their eyes to see a pony in the room along with a peculiar beat playing. But it looked odd. It had on some kind of weird grey and orange armor that covered all of his body except for his head, his fur coat looked to be that of a cyan, his mane was all messy and black, he also appeared to be wearing glasses , and he was also a unicorn.

"A pony?" Twilight said in confusion

"Maybe it turned into one when it got teleported here." Celestia stated

"That does seem like a possibility." Twilight said

"Hey, check out his cutie mark." Rainbow stated

Thje group then noticed his cutie mark which was extremely odd to them. It looked to be some kind of orange A within and orange circle, for us humans it would be the Half-Life logo, the only way they could tell though was because his flank was covered in the grey of the armor.

"What the hay does that represent?" Rainbow said

"I don't know Rainbow, I've never seen any type of cutie mark like it." Twilight said

"Neither have I." Celestia added

All of a sudden the suit gave off some kind of weird noise.

"Welcome to the H.E.V Mark IV Protective System, for use in Hazardous Environment Conditions...High impact reactive armor activated...Atmospheric containment sensors engaged...Vital sign monitoring activated...Automatic medical systems engaged...Defensive weapon selection system activated...Ammunition level monitoring activated...Communications interface online...Have a very safe day!"﻿

"Did that armor just talk?!" Rarity stated

"Wait, it just said it was a hazardous environment suit?!" Twilight said, "That does NOT look like a hazardous environment suit!"

"Ugh, I gotta lay off of Dragon Ball Z for a while." groaned the pony in the suit

"He's awake!" Shining stated

The pony then got up shaking his head a little before looking around him and then stopping.

"Okay either someone somehow gave me pot while I asleep, or this is real." he said, "Either way, jackpot."

"Is it just me or does he sound like a child." Shining whispered to Cadence

"He does." Cadence whispered back

"I can hear you ya know." the pony said, "And it's not my fault that I'm a fifteen year old who sounds like a child, I blame puberty, and the metric system."

"That's quiet dandy and all sir, but do you mind telling us your name?" Rarity asked

"My name?" the pony said, "The name's Tivon Arnold. Spelled T, I, V, O, N, but pronounced as Tiven."

The Chapter Where Randomness Happens

"I must say that that's a weird name." Rarity said

"I get that a lot." Tivon said, "Now if you don't mind could you PLEASE send me home."

"Um funny thing." Twilight nervously said

"I'm trapped here am I." Tivon finished

"Um, yes, you are." Twilight finished

"Well I have only a few things to say now." Tivon said

"What are they?" Cadence asked

"SON OF A *HONK* *HONK*ING *HONK* BEAST! WHY THE *HONK* DOES ALL THIS *HONK*ING SH*HONK* HAPPEN TO ME!? WELL AS FAR AS I CARE, YOU MISERABLE *HONK* CAN HAVE A *HONK*ING SH*HONK* ORGY WITH A GOD DAMN PIG!"

"Pinkie, please." Celestia said to Pinkie who was honking a horn

"Sorry princess, me horn's actin' a bit shaunky." Pinkie said in an Australian accent before going back to her normal voice, "And it's fixed."

"Thank you now what was it you said?" Celestia asked

"You don't wanna know." Tivon said looking at all the shocked faces

"Well now that that's out of the way, I've been meaning to ask you something." Celestia said

"Well ask away." Tivon said

"What does your cutie mark mean?" Celestia asked

"Oh it's just the Lambda symbol from Half-Life." Tivon said, "I don't have a degree in physics or science in general, but I do know how to work computers."

"Half-Life?" Twilight asked, "What's that?"

"Very interesting story." Tivon said, "Well the story goes-"

All of a sudden a lightning bolt zapped Tivon in the ear making him pull out a crowbar from nowhere using levitation.

"AH! MY EAR! I GOT SHOT IN THE EAR! WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO KILL ME?! I'M A CIVILIAN, YOU DON'T SHOOT YOUR CIVILIANS LIKE THAT!" Tivon shouted in pain

Tivon then turned around to see a unicorn guard wiping his noes from a sneeze.

"So you're the asshat!" Tivon shouted as he switched to a pistol, "I'll blow your brains out!"

Firing three shots the bullets went straight through the poor guard revealing a changeling.

"Oh fuck." Tivon said, "Something tells me I might've just angered someone. Ah well not my world and not problem."

"Oh this is bad!" Twilight and Cadence said in fear

"Twilight it's just a changeling, if it was an army, then we might be in trouble, but it's just one changeling that's dead, I mean you act like we angered a tarantula queen." Tivon said, "Actually that would be kind of cool to actually fight one considering nobody likes those things, especially me with my arachnophobia."

"You don't understand what you've just done!" Cadence said

"All I understand is that I need to find a way to get off this world." Tivon said as he went up to a teleportation book, "I AM CAPTAIN TIVON ARNOLD OF THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF PANCAKES ORDERING YOU TO SEND ME HOME!"

Nothing. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash suddenly bursted out into laughter as to how silly Tivon was looking.

"Seriously?" Applejack said

"Well it was worth a shot." Tivon groaned, "At least the thing I killed wasn't a pony, I would've been in SERIOUS trouble if he was."

"I would've had you arrested on the spot." Shining said

"And I'd make the argument that it was in self defense when it was all but an accident." Tivon added, "You know for some reason I've got the feeling that this is gonna come back to haunt me at some point in my life, but eh I don't care, not my planet, not my problem."

"Actually this IS your problem." Rainbow stated

"Yeah I actually knew it was." Tivon said, "I'm like Gordon Freeman with trouble, it follows me everywhere I go."

"TWILIGHT TIME!"

"Oh, no." Twilight groaned, "The Cutie Mark Crusaders."

"Otherwise known as the MLP Three Stooges in my opinion." Tivon added as the CMC came into the room, "And here is Moebloom, Larry Belle, and Curlyloo. Already I can tell this is so not gonna end well for me."

"Eeyup." Pinkie said chewing on a muffin

"Uh where did you get that muffin?" Tivon said to Pinkie

"Muffin button." Pinkie said

"There is no muffin button!" Tivon said

"Yes there is, it's on your suit." Pinke pointed out

"I don't have a muffin button!" Tivon said

Pinkie then pressed a button on the suit and all of a sudden a muffin was right in front of them. Derpy looking through a window was in shock.

"Oh my god." she said

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Tivon and Pinkie went as they continuously pressed the button

They stopped and soon found themselves eating away like a saiyan, *cough*Goku*cough*, along with Derpy who snuck in through the window.

"MUFFINS!" Derpy and Tivon shouted together

"I love you friend!" Derpy said hugging Tivon and pressing his muffin button

Tivon's face went red as he fainted in pure joy.

"Too cute." Tivon said before passing out

"To the bedroom, away!" Derpy stated before kidnapping Tivon

"Oops." Pinkie said in a German voice as she counted the muffins, "Einz, eh, uh, I do not zink we brought enough body bags."

"I'll go rescue him then." Rainbow groaned as she flew past German Pie

"Hey! Du bist derjenige, schriftlich...." Pinkie said before-

"FALKE-DURCHSCHLAG!"

OW! Okay, okay I'll turn you back!

"Danke, dummkopf!" Pinkie said

Whatever, du jävla rosa ponny. Now back to the story in the next chapter.