Heathens, Unbelievers, and Ponies
“I’m immortal!” a loud voice pierced the skies, causing birds left and right previously perched from their branches to take to the air in panic. The voice continued, “That brat couldn’t even… oh shit, my arm, my everything. Well I’ll just ask Kakuzu- oh... I can’t give offerings to Jashin like this!”
Laying in pieces on the dirt path next to the border of a forest, Hidan struggled to move his limbs with little success. Growling in frustration, the shinobi rolled his head to the side to get a view of his surroundings. Colourful to say the least, but this was no time to be admiring a view, especially from such an awkward angle. Maybe he shouldn’t have taken Kakuzu’s stitching for granted, then again the pain felt too good to pass up, especially for his god. Feebly blowing his silver hair out of his eye, Hidan squinted to see a town in the distance. Grinning widely to himself, the Jashinist rolled his head back over to his body. All he needs now is to find the stump of his neck and control his body from there, if his body could heal fast enough to close up wounds that is. Hidan was certainly not a good stitcher, so the best thing to do — much to his displeasure— is to wait for the next sucker to pass by and trick them into stitching him together. Hopefully soon, he was starving, some gift of immortality this turned out to be in the long run. Oh well, he was alive, even if he did not know how after such an ordeal.
Minutes turned to hours, and still no sign of a passerby. The sun was beginning its descent into the horizon, dusk taking over the day. Groaning impatiently, Hidan rolled his head over to his three bladed red scythe. Maybe a bit of pain would help him get his wits together. Sticking his tongue out, Hidan allowed the blade to pierce at his tongue. Biting down on it for good measure, he rolled his eyes up in ecstasy. “So good,” he mumbled, hearing the dirt get disturbed in the distance the Jashinist stopped what he was going much to his dismay and paid attention. Sounded like two people walking in perfect sync, odd, must be a couple. Hidan marvelled at the idea of sacrificing two lovers to his god. “Maybe that will let Lord Jashin forgive me for failing to kill that brat!” he decided.
Once the source of the steps came into view it was… a horse — no — a pony. Twitching his eye at the possible help and sacrifice being taken away, Hidan grit his teeth and began shouting obscenities once his rage reached the boiling point. The pony hearing his mindless swearing flicked its ears and proceeded forth with caution, widening its eyes at the pile of body parts and a bouncing head shouting words that even the most adult books would call shameful. “Oh my gosh! Are you okay?!”
“Then I’ll fucking piss down that shadow brat’s throat while reminding him of every damn moment I…sacrificed…his…leader…to lord…Jashin.” Hidan trailed off slowly, raising his pupils to a lavender pony staring down at him. “Did you just talk?”
“Well, yeah. But I have no idea what you are, wait-“ The pony squinted at his body parts for a brief moment. “-You’re a human!”
“Yeah, you want a medal?” he sarcastically huffed towards the pony with the feminine voice. “Are you gonna put my parts back together or what?”
The pony held up a hoof and shook her head. “What I should be asking you is, how are you still alive?! Anatomically speaking: you should be dead from blood and oxygen deprivation! This wasn’t in the books, none of it at all. None in the medical notes, none in the historical notes and certainly none in the ancient magical archives. And how did you even get here?!”
Sitting upright on the stump of his neck, Hidan gave a half lidded glare towards the pony standing above him. “You done?”
Blushing sheepishly, the pony appeared to lift him without her hooves. “Sorry, that was rude of me to leave you lying there” she said. “My name’s Twilight Sparkle, what’s yours?”
Hidan gawked for a moment before laughing out, “Am I high?”
“Pardon?”
“I’m fucking high, a winged unicorn called Twilight Sparkle? I’m high!” he laughed maniacally much to the annoyance of his saviour.
"You've got a mouth on you, huh?"
Hidan stopped laughing abruptly to give a quizzical look and said in a sarcastic tone, "Yes, I do. You see that flapping hole in my face? That's my mouth! Use your damn eyes you retarded purple horse!"
Rolling her eyes, Twilight figured he was just in a bad mood from his body parts being in a pile. The scythe though looked worrying, as if it could cut her to pieces just by approaching it. "Are you some kind of farmer?" she asked, earning another quizzical look.
"You've never heard of the followers of our true god, Jashin? How could you not know, heathen?!" Hidan growled, chomping his jaws at her in an attempt to bite her throat out. In a panic, the alicorn accidentally tossed him to the ground where his scythe sat, the cable on the end of the handle was snapped with the other half still bound to his left arm. Upon striking the ground he rolled over to the blades and had his head impaled by the bottom blade, his eyes rolling up into his head while he drooled. "Sweet pain, it feels so good!" he groaned.
Stepping back in disgust at his reaction, Twilight reluctantly lifted his body parts and head in a bubble forcefield. "Let's get you back to my castle, I need to tell Celestia about this."
"Who's that?"
"Well, she's kind of a goddess but is called a princess. Immortal to say the least, I'm one too," she proclaimed proudly, placing a hoof to her chest.
His purple eyes shifted towards her in a heartbeat, repeating what she said, "Immortal? Goddess?" Hidan began his usual religious rant, "Bullshit! Only I am immortal, being blessed by the divinity that is our lord and saviour, Jashin! I bet you all can still be killed by someone who can stab your damn unbeliever throats out! I however can not be killed, I'm fucking immortal!" the Jashinist laughed maniacally.
Note to self: keep him restrained and alert Princess Celestia in case he tries hurting anypony.
One hour later at Twilight's castle...
"And that's how my first kill was," Hidan stated with pride lacing his every syllable while Twilight was assembling his body, his head resting on a table overseeing her actions. "You even listening? Hey! Hey! You deaf, wide load?"
"Wide load?!" Twilight gasped, flaring her wings in anger from the insult to her posterior. "I'll have you know my butt is not large, it's quite average for a pony," she snorted, holding her head high.
Hidan laughed before shooting back with, "If by average you mean large enough to fit whatever guy you lead back here." He paused to actually think about this for a second. "Are you trying to fuck me?!"
"What?! No!"
"Good, keep your cloven hooves away from my dick and scythe, she-witch."
Groaning in annoyance, the alicorn shot a beam towards his mouth which literally zipped it up. Satisfied by his mumbles of rage, she continued to reassemble his body. Everytime Twilight held the pieces in place, she cast a spell to reconnect them. The worrying detail was his left arm, that cable alone looks like it could strangle a minotaur. Using the powers of common sense, she deduced that the Jahsinist was left handed in his fighting or as he put it: his ‘rituals’. Perhaps it would be smarter to keep his left hand someplace else, or even better: that scythe.
A purple aura surrounded the scythe, lifting it. Muffled screams of rage emanated from where Hidan’s head sat, followed by a thump as is head rolled off the table. “Relax, I’m not touching them with my hooves,” Twilight smirked, keeping it in a floating bubble shield that stayed intact on its own.
I’ll kill her first.
After a few tries at getting the anatomy of Hidan’s body right…
“Ok, if you try anything funny, I will not hesitate to dismantle your body. So stay put until Celestia gets here, hopefully not Discord…” she said, rather unsure of that last part.
“Whatever,” Huffed Hidan, rolling his shoulder and reaching his right arm into the torn robe and pulling out a retractable needle. Twilight growled at his disobedient behavior, aiming her horn at him. “Relax, I’m just gonna do my prayer. So keep your saddle on, horse.”
The needle sprung open, revealing something about the length of his entire arm. The alicorn stared in horror as the Jashinist stabbed it into his shoulder, his eyes rolling up into his head as she had seen him to when his head got caught on his scythe. “That’s your prayer?!” she gawked, amazed he isn’t screaming in pain from the arm length needle going deep into his flesh.
“The prospect of pain is what I live for, when I pray to my god, he rewards me with even more of what I am promised if I serve him. It feels so good!” Hidan drooled, taking out another and holding it out to the horrified pony. “Do you wish to share the pain?”
“Absolutely not, you freaky voodoo doll!” she exclaimed, stepping back.
He shrugged. “You’re loss,” Hidan replied, stabbing the needle into his other shoulder until both his shoulders resembled a large - and painful - ‘V’. Kneeling on the ground he kissed a necklace that he was thankful to still have and praying, “Oh mighty Jashin, please forgive this follower’s failure at giving you a kill. Because some retarded horse won’t let me.”
“Hey, I have a name!”
Ignoring her, Hidan added, “The retarded horse with the annoying voice refuses to allow me, if you can hear me oh mighty lord: let me kill this bitch.”
“I’m standing, literally, right, here,” Twilight said, her horn glowing in rage from his refusal to acknowledge her presence.
Raising his arms, the Jashinist spoke once more with a large smile on his face, “May I?”
Having enough of this drivel, Twilight’s horn flashed a few times and created several quick lines of light that travelled across Hidan’s body. Within seconds he was a pile of body parts, a rather angry pile too. “You damn whore!”
Resting in her chambers, Princess Celestia took a sip of her cup of water for the night and reading the rest of her paper. “Huh, so they finally brought snow back to the middle east?” she asked herself, taking another sip. Just then a collection of purple twinkling ashes swirled through her open balcony door, no doubt a letter from her ever faithful student sending a letter without Spike’s magical flame. It looked as if it had been doodled on though, as if a child took a hold of the letter mid-preparation and tried being an artist. Slightly confused by this, she levitated the scroll over to herself and opened it.
Dear Princess Celestia,
IS IT TRUE YOUR ASS IS BIG AS THE OTHER HORSES?
The solar sovereign paused to stare blankly at the chicken scratch pointing out how large her hind quarters were, she did have a sweet tooth after all. Shaking her head, Celestia carried on reading.
Sorry, but this statement above is the issue I wish to talk to you about. I have a guest who is currently worrying me, I would have sent you an untainted version but no doubt he would have gotten to that too. The guest in question as he calls himself is Hidan, a Jashinist if I rem
The letter was cut off from there, replaced with more of that chicken scratch writing as if the letter had been torn out of Twilight’s clutches and scribbled upon once more.
A SERVANT TO THE TRUE GOD, JASHIN, SLAUGHTERER OF HEATHENS AND FAKE IMMORTALS SUCH AS YOU!
Sorry yet again, I had to dismantle his body in order to keep him away after a final warning. Please help.
P.S. I never thought I would say this, but bring Discord!
Celestia’s blank gaze juxtaposed her actions while she flipped over the letter in case of any more of that chicken scratch or any letters. Surely enough, the doodles she witnessed before unfurling the scroll. The doodle involved a poorly drawn individual wielding an unusual scythe and what she could assume was some kind of short stick, classic happy stickman but with more detail, even if it did look like someone smeared ink over a stamp.
Taking a moment to compose herself, Celestia took a deep breath and exhaled. “And I thought this was over with when Tirek was gone…”