Deep Mist's Journal

Okay, right now I'm visiting my mother's house. Literally I want to just destroy everything here. Being here upsets me.

Let me explain a little bit. I got here yesterday because my mother wanted to spend time with me. It's the middle of Luna's night right now and I've seen her once. Not that I'm surprised about that fact. I knew when I left my Dad's house that nothing would be different. That I'd just be coped up in a room again...

Here I am, sitting in the same bed I was when I decided to kill myself. The blood is still dried in it, I doubt they even noticed. Not exactly like I expected them to, especially not my mother. I swear sometimes she just uses me.

She just uses me to get at my father. She claims I owe her this, that I don't have a right not to come. No offense, but the only thing I owe to her is my life and right now she could take it back and I wouldn't care. She doesn't love me like she says she does. All she's ever done is lie to me. The proof is in the things she does.

When I went to the mental hospital, she learned where I put a majority of my blame for suicide. She then instantly turned it on me. Like it was all my fault. She lied to my face even when I knew the truth. She kept doing that all the way through the visit in the hospital.

She doesn't love me. She acts like she did so much for me. 'Yeah, you really did. You helped me soooo much. Because I didn't make choices on my own to be the best I can be. No no, that was all you mother...' I hate how she can think that. That I owe her a 'thank you' or something.

I know she's my mother, and she's been better than some others but I don't owe her anything. It was her own fault I exist. I got to where I am by myself. I earned the A's, I made the chances, I saw everything that happened...

Even writing this doesn't help the feeling to just smash everything into little tiny pieces. I understand that won't help a thing, but it'll feel good for a moment or so. Then I'd probably just break down and cry for a bit. I mean, that's what I would do here when I lived here. Well, not destroyed things physically but mostly my mental self.

Wow, rereading that makes me sound extremely weird. I know exactly what I did to myself. It's literally no different from what I'm doing right now. I know what I'm doing, but I can't help it. When you've been alone almost 24/7 for two years, you get a lot of time to just think and figure things out.

I wonder if I had left when my Dad did all that time ago, if I'd be so depressed. If I had to fight the lonely feeling... Ow...

Let me stop and process how much pain I'm suddenly feeling. I know I shouldn't be writing and dealing with it instead. I can't move or it hurts. Like, it feels like I'm having a mini-heart attack. I'm making my breath shallow or everything burns. I should probably tell somepony here, but not like they'd do anything. I just

Every time this happens, I ask myself if I'm going to die. One day, I'm worried if these will get bad enough to stop my heart from pumping blood or something. Things like this happened all the time when I lived here. It's no surprise that it happened honestly. It just hurts a lot.

I know I dropped a thought, but I still am hurting so I think I'ma cut this entry here and go lay down now. Not like there's anything better to do..