The measure of a mare
Mares Who Dare
Fashionista with beauty in droves seeks adventurous, upper crust pony for sophisticated affairs
‘Hmm....that’s just a tad conceited’.
Fashionista with beauty in droves seeks adventurous, upper crust pony for sophisticated affairs
Attractive mare seeks an entrepreneurial buck
Rarity weighed the phrase and her features slipped into a glower.
Attractive mare seeks an entrepreneurial buck
(*Reader Beware - No scalpers, taxidermists, peddlers, comic-con vendors, dirt diggers, low budget filmmakers (pay your actors, then we’ll talk!), diet pill producers or fryers of deep fat goods)
‘Else one should make a hobby of collecting old sticks’.
Fashionista with beauty in droves seeks adventurous, upper crust pony for sophisticated affairs
Attractive mare seeks an entrepreneurial buck
(*Reader Beware - No scalpers, taxidermists, peddlers, comic-con vendors, dirt diggers, low budget filmmakers (pay your actors, then we’ll talk!), diet pill producers or fryers of deep fat goods)
Successes in dresses needs a boy that impresses
Not a toy that just messes
Annoys or depresses
‘Especially doctors in big goofy fezzes’. Rarity summoned the magic to shape the scroll into a ship, one unlike the whimsy of children, this papyrus vessel resembled the finest yachts that braced the ocean deep. It even came with a parlour where a tiny horse played a tiny piano. As it sailed to the other side of workroom she could almost hear the seagulls wafting overhead, the submerged hull slicing the air filled sea and the passenger’s blood curdling screams as the ship careened into a wastepaper basket.
‘Knock-knock!’ said Sweetie Belle instead of coming straight in through the open door. She whisked her eyes over the linoleum floor astonished by the sheer number of balls, planes, umbrellas, socks, tea sets, bikes and other shapes made out of paper. Half of her wondered if she took requests, the other half thought she might be in another of her creative slumps. Many a time she finds her sister out cold and slumped over the drawing table next to a cold coffee, a half-eaten croissant and a crossword puzzle. It was some luck that she was still up despite that she started working at six this morning. Unfortunately she’d used up all her time. ‘You all set?’.
‘Set? Set for what?’.
‘To go to my school…you are taking every foal’s measurements today’.
‘Measurements…oh, yes, yes of course…I won’t be a moment…where’s my tailor bag…here it is…dear me I think I used the last scroll…we’re going to a school, right, they’ll have plenty of the stuff won’t they…unless there’s a shortage, perhaps I ought to make a quick run to the quill and sofa store...goodness my hooves are swallowed in ink…and I have such terrible bed hair…be a dear and draw me a bath while I get some breakfast’.
‘But the musician comes at nine’ Sweetie Belle reminded her. She had already waited till the last minute. ‘You only have us for an hour’.
‘Right, right…an hour…right…sixty minutes…I can go that without food and beauty…do you have an apple in your saddle bag…could I have it on the way?’.
Rarity used her magic to unclip the bag and pinch the apple before her sister had answered. She caught it in her teeth on her way out.
‘Go ahead…’. Sweetie Belle curved one cheek into a question mark as Rarity trotted down the flight of stairs. ‘That was a lot easier than usual’ she said out of earshot. She almost ignored an origami swan that had been thrown into the hall but decided to unfold it and see what sort of magnum opus two and a half hours of solitude could achieve.
WANTED: A year’s supply of ice cream
(Low Fat!)
‘She must be planning the after party…’ said Sweetie Belle.
*
‘….and I want my crown to forged from the purest white gold. Anything made of pewter explodes from the sheer awe of getting to rest on my head!’.
‘Aren’t you playing the scullery maid?’ asked Rarity.
‘Hello! I’m also the understudy to Princess Flora!’ Diamond Tiara retorted.
Rarity massaged an ear for a few blinks while her magic concurrently cleaned her sewing glasses, measured Tiara’s waist, wrote down those measurements, tested fabrics against her coat to make sure she wasn’t allergic and sketched an artist’s rendition of what she will look like as her character.
‘Well sweetie…’ Rarity started, ‘there’s not really the budget for two princess outfits’.
‘It figures!’ said Tiara.
‘Diamond Tiara,’ said Miss Cherilee, who was balancing teaching math and listening to their conversation ‘you should be a little more appreciative of what Miss Rarity here is doing. She’s volunteered every year for the last eight years to make the dresses for our pantomime season and all we pay her in return is the price of the materials’.
‘You do flatter me Miss Cherilee’ said Rarity growing red around the cheeks. ‘So long as I live in Ponyville I’m happy to do it. You were the one that gave me my start after all…all that time ago…eight years’. Her eye gave a twitch and there was a sound like an exploding pillow. She went on taking notes with a barbless quill.
‘Am I done here?’ asked Tiara.
‘What’s it all for…’.
‘Hello?’.
Rarity turned her head. ‘Yes dear, I believe I’m still single-done-I mean, you can go now’.
Tiara scoffed on the way back to her desk.
Rarity wrote a wee reminder to take a pinch or two of itching powder and sprinkle it on her completed outfit. Her line cutting friend, Silver Spoon, was to share the same fate.
‘Little boors!’ said Rarity through lightly chattering teeth.
‘What?’.
‘Oh, sorry darling’ said Rarity to the skinny colt with a camera around his neck. She rolled the paper on her clipboard to a new page. ‘Name and role please?’.
‘I’m Featherweight. I play Mr Teacosy, and may I ask if you wouldn’t mind if we at the Foal Free Press write about your contribution to the school’.
‘Aw, I would love that’.
Featherweight looked through the eyepiece of his camera.
Rarity coughed into a hoof and managed a simper before the flash struck. He took another for good luck but after that the wee colt was a delight to work with. She especially agreed with his plans for getting everyone on his staff a small salary. Sweetie Belle didn’t get much of an allowance at home. The next few kids in the class were also some of the better ones. She never knew Scootaloo was so ticklish, the one called Snips owned more scissors than she did, and the forest fruits taffy that Twist really hit the spot. Her next client was a colt with a snail on his flank and before she could ask his name the lanky lad lifted a sprig of mistletoe over his head.
‘Okay, but just one’ she said with a warm laugh. She simply kissed the boy’s cheek which plunged him into the cutest stupor she’d ever seen but she had to be firm with him when he wouldn’t stop squirming. ‘Settle down now. There’s work to be done’.
Snails wasn’t the last colt to trick her into a kiss, even the fillies had picked santalales. It seemed there was a private game amongst a few to see who could get kissed by everyone in the room first. When it was just a couple of kids it was a mild distraction but then the number of players jumped to more than half the class. Where were they getting all these sprigs in the first place. She didn’t see a haustorium among the hearths warming decorations.
‘Miss Rarity, are you still taking my measurements?’ asked the filly named Archer.
Rarity looked at her clipboard and winced.
Mannequin white seeking male equivalent
Who doesn’t mind being put on display
She had been making her quill pen new drafts of her personal ad for a page and a half now. This couldn’t be more awkward.
‘Uh…I wasn’t measuring you dear…I was, composing, composing a review…I’m going to lend Featherweight my thoughts on Hoity Toity’s new line of sunglasses, it’s very important I word it right and I guess I got my work mixed up’.
‘Are you also writing a want ad?’.
‘Aha-ha-hah-ho-ho-hoo! A want ad! Wha-what would I want…the material for your show’s all ordered and my Canterlot Caviar just came in the mail. I’m happy, perfectly perfect and generous and playful and drop dead gorgeous…run along dear I’m all done’.
Rarity bowed her head with a short groan. Her vision went fuzzy all of a sudden. Why was it so hard to stand up straight in this room. Did they build the school on a roundabout. Also, did the room always have living animal heads mounted on the wall. That two headed dog snake doesn’t look like it should be around children. Speaking of the children it’s quite ingenious to have them learn their 2+2’s by blowing candy coloured bubbles. Oh those are jaw breakers. That’s a fun invention. Must be one of Pinkie Pie’s. What’s that music…is that the limited edition record of Old Blue Eyes playing through the cat cone of a four foot sphinx….
‘Hi Rarity!’.
Rarity had to strain her eyes, she wasn’t sure if she was looking at Button Mash or a four eyed gopher wearing a pinwheel hat.
‘Hello…Button…how was your birthday?’.
‘It was ok. My mom bought me Big Puny World’.
‘He’s spent four straight days trying to design a game within the game that’s worth his time’.
Rarity stared daggers into the blue goose with the pleasant speaking voice. ‘One colt at a time please!’.
The gopher and the goose laughed at her.
‘That’s my big brother’ said Button.
‘Gibson’s the name’.
Rarity’s voice cracked with a manic glee. ‘Big brother!? By how much?’.
‘Uh, I’m in my 20’s’ said Gibson.
‘YAAAY!’ she knew right away that her outburst was…jarring…so hoped a cough would fix things, ‘I mean, how delightful, we’re around the same age’.
‘I guess?’.
‘So, have you been held back or are you just visiting?’.
‘My band is working on the music for the show’.
‘Oh, is that your permanent job?’.
‘Yep, and making sure this knucklehead sits still’. Gibson ruffled his brother’s hair with a wing made of cotton candy, his brother’s pinwheel hat was picked up and absorbed into the floss. ‘This’ll get in the way you know’.
‘I couldn’t have said it better’ said Rarity and stole the stool from under Button’s bum. She snickered when he landed spread eagle on the floor and said “Boof!”. ‘Care for a seat Gibson, you look well-travelled?’.
He drew back with a raised wing, this one was made of roses. ‘I, didn’t know I was getting an outfit’.
‘Well of course you are,’ said Rarity, ‘as I’m aware your band is onstage for most of the show, we should definitely try and blend you all into the background’.
‘Makes sense’. He took a seat.
‘What about me?’ asked Button.
‘Oh…go um, you know, dig a mine or something’ said Rarity.
‘Really?’ asked Button excitedly.
‘Yes, why not’.
Button ran out of the classroom crying ‘WOO!’. Gibson and Cherilee called after him as class wasn’t over.
‘Alright Gibson,’ said Rarity, ‘hold out your legs like you’ve been dying to hug me’.
‘Like…this?’.
Rarity chuckled. ‘Yes, exactly’. She measured his wingspan which was an impressive fifty inches. ‘What instrument do you play?’.
‘A mixture actually, guitar and lead vocals, keyboard and synthesizer, I also handle sound effects and explosives’.
‘Oh, you’re in one of those metallic groups?’.
‘Uh, yea’.
‘How nice…’.
Rarity made a noise of disappointment. He was one of those sweaty shredders of uncouth string bashing. They wouldn’t have very much in common when it came to music. At least he had the firmest biceps of all the gooses she’d ever met.
‘Stand on all fours for me please,’ she said whipping her mane back with one hoof, ‘you know I’ve come out in such a state today, what with the rush of getting here. I don’t normally look this unsound but I suppose it’s nothing you’re not used to after one of those…moshing pits’.
‘You betcha,’ said Gibson, ‘to be fair I’d take home the first girl who came out looking like you’.
‘Reeeallly?’ said Rarity with stretched interest. ‘Does that mean you’re unattached?’.
‘Ack…gwugsugha!’.
‘Don’t be bashful darl…oh my!’. Her measuring tape had gotten a smidge too tight around his neck. She released him immediately.
Gibson gasped.
‘I’m sorry Gibson - I don’t know what that was all about – I guess by now I’m used to smaller necks – that wasn’t lady like of me at all - why don’t you let me make it up to you – and I’ve just had an idea - how about you come by my house and we spend the day together!’. Rarity drew breath.
‘Yea…that would…be nice’ said Gibson, doubled over in his seat.
‘GREAT!’ screeched Rarity, ‘HOW ABOUT TOMORROW!?!?’.
‘Cool…is noon okay?’.
‘WWOOONDERFULLL!!!’.
Rarity turned and pronked out of the classroom in four bounces, giggling like a child. Too happy to care that she had six more kids to measure.
~ Gibson ~ Giibsoon ~ G-I-B-S-O-N ~ Gibby-Wibby-Gibsooooonnn ~
Rarity’s loud singing and spontaneous mood caught a lot of attention as she skipped home. This and that way ponies stopped everything to catch the few seconds they had to make sense of the situation before she disappeared into the distance.
‘New flame?’ one pony whispered.
‘Dunno!’ the friend replied, ‘Sounds like some kind of hat’.
~ Gibbo ~ Gibbo ~ Gibson ~ Gibby-Flibby-Gibsooooonnn ~
‘That’s it!’ said Pinkie Pie who zoomed back into Sugarcube Corner and returned in a flash to plant a picket sign outside the door with the words “New Product! Free Samples!” on it. She also had hold of a tray of biscuit cupcakes with a marshmallows centre. ‘Get your Gibby-Flibbies!! New and D-Licious!’.
~ Gib-Gib-Gib ~ Gibilibolibolib ~ Gibso *THUD*
‘Oh, excuse me door’ said Rarity to the front door of her house. She opened it and twirled on one hoof as soon as it was closed. She hummed and danced all the way to her runway and settled on the stage with a delighted sigh. Her pet Opalescence the cat came by wanting attention she was happy to give.
‘Oh Opal,’ said Rarity running a hoof over her beloved pet, ‘the most marvellous thing just happened to me. I just made plans with a goose. His name is Gibson and he plays music. He and I didn’t exactly get off to a good start but we have the whole of tomorrow to get to know each other. To think the very day I was going to use that silly dating service I meet the most handsome bird. Rather kismet don’t you think’.
‘I’m happy for you Rarity,’ said Opal with a French accent of all things, ‘but why go out with a goose?’.
‘Well I don’t find it odd at all…Spike’s a dragon and he likes me…Twilight had a thing for that boy from another world…is it so silly that I go in a different direction?’.
‘I guess not’ purred Opal. ‘Do forgive the pun here darling but just what do you lovebirds have planned?’.
‘Well I thought we’d start off with a light lunch at the Salice Piangente’ said Rarity, thinking nothing of the fact her cat had acquired the power of speech for she’s always known what she was thinking. ‘We’d follow that with an inspiring browse through the Ponyville GOMA, and if we’re in the mood perhaps dinner back where we had lunch’.
‘That all sounds divine, but does Gibson like all that fancy froufrou stuff?’.
‘Fair point, you know, I left the room before I could ask. He may never have seen the inside of a shower let alone a museum. I certainly don’t want to take him outside his comfort zone’.
Opal climbed up to lick her ear. ‘Then you should act upon his tastes’.
‘Yes, simple enough. Maybe he plays pool. Do they have pool halls in Ponyville? What if they play country instead of rock? Oh why didn’t I take more time to get to know him? I can’t go back now, that’d make me look like an air headed diva’.
‘You’ll have a fine time, I’m sure of it’ said Opal, arching her hind and craning her neck over the stage. She pounced from Rarity’s lap and made her way to the kitchen. ‘Just don’t lay it on too thick, eyes and figure form the glass but friendship fills it to the brim’.
‘Friendship, yes, the best couples are the best of friends. I just have to act as I do when I’m with my friends’. It dawned on her after a moment’s pause. ‘Who are mostly girls…when I think about it…I’ve rarely if ever spent the day with an average boy. Oh this is terrible! I’ll have enough trouble finding common ground, but how can I do that when I won’t be able to relax!? And if he doesn’t like me, not only will that hurt my confidence, he’ll tell all his bandmates about me, and they’ll tell their fans, and before I know it the average pony of Ponyville, perhaps all of Equestria will know that I’m…unpleasant company! Oh Opal, what do I do? How do I prevent this disaster?’.
Opal returned from the kitchen carrying an exquisite silver bowl with her name on it. She spat it out before Rarity’s feet.
‘Mrow!’ said Opal, pointing a claw down her open mouth.
Rarity gasped. ‘I – D – AAAA!’.
*
‘Thanks again for this girls’ said Sweetie Belle to the other crusaders, not long after leaving the classroom. School was finished for the day but the girls were getting together at the Carousel Boutique to help Sweetie Belle get her lines from act two down pat. She’d be much further along by now but she never counted on being stuck in Pasabeana for more than she had to. Uncle Dandy and his bride to be had no daughters or sisters so they asked Rarity to be their mare of honour at their wedding. It was Dandy’s idea as he wanted only the best for his sweet Clementine and believe Rarity would deliver her a bachelorette party for the ages.
Rarity went one step further and offered to make dresses for every important female. From then on Sweetie Belle had only a hoof full of opportunities to peruse the script. Not a page went flipped without some interruption, whether it be sampling finger foods, standing still to be fitted for the flower girl gown or running errands when Rarity couldn’t leave her work unattended.
She tried not to fret when she forgot to take the script with her but nopony could have foresaw what came next. They woke up the day after the wedding to find that the front page of every newspaper was fat with a story about an extra-terrestrial sighting. In response the mayor grounded all hot air balloons and Pegasus ponies till further notice. It turned out that some oddballs from Cowtech had invented a working miniature spacecraft that was intended to impress their girlfriends. The words of Mrs Duckawitz, mother of the engineer, were quoted at the end of the article. She was preparing breakfast the moment the wrath of the government came down on the family home. An ugly scene erupted in which she cried: “HOWARD! THERE’S GOLEMS IN THE PANTRY!!” while assaulting the agents with French toast and pancakes. They believe this was meant to alert her son as he was discovered in his bedroom attempting to burn the evidence.
‘It sure was embarrassing being the only one holding a script’ Sweetie Belle went on to say.
‘Again, it ain’t no trouble’ said Apple Bloom. ‘With the winter frost in the air our harvesting has slowed right down, and I’m too little to help make firewood’.
‘We’re all in the same scenes, so we might as well practise together’ said Scootaloo. ‘But are you sure you don’t want to come to my house? Your sister was awfully excited about making a date with Gibson’.
‘Yea,’ agreed Apple Bloom, ‘won’t we getting in the way of her preparations?’.
‘I don’t plan on getting her help right away,’ said Sweetie Belle, ‘we’ll be in my room till the lines sink in and then we’ll come down and put on a little show for her. My sister is always giving advice to models before they go on the runway, whatever she knows has to have some relevance to stage acting’.
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom murmured in agreement.
Sweetie Belle pulled the handle of the front door and gave it a gentle push. It was hardly wide when something zipped by them with the speed of a sonic rainboom leaving behind a white streak and a ghostly cry…..
~ RRRRRAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWW ~
‘Was that…Opal?’ asked Scootaloo, like the others she watched the strange sight vanish into distance.
‘I don’t know’ said Sweetie Belle.
The little actresses turned around and became the characters in a lesser known horror story one could call “Fashion Becomes Her”. Lightning flashed in the doorway, or so it did in their thoughts, and standing in their way was the most style senseless monster ever conceived. Its ruptured mane, confused dress and severed make-up went in six or more directions, what it wore worst of all was its smile, a smile that said “I have plans, and you’re in them”, what a terrible smile that was.
Sweetie Belle leapt into Apple Bloom’s arms, Scootaloo hugged Apple Bloom from behind and all three let out a mighty shriek of terror. Still the creature smiled….
‘Hello girls, you’ve picked the perfect time to visit’.
‘R-R-Rarity…w-wh-what…’ said Sweetie Belle, trying to overcome the shock.
‘Could I get you three to do me a teensy favour?’ asked Rarity, interrupting with a curled hoof.
The girls looked to one another. Common sense dictated they be cautious but appear curious.
‘What does it involve?’ asked Sweetie Belle.
‘Oh…a little make-believe and playing with dollies’ said Rarity in a childish tone.
Apple Bloom’s eyes grew wide. She drew the air she needed to agree but lost confidence after catching the other’s sceptical faces.
‘And how does this help you out?’ asked Sweetie Belle.
‘It’s no good telling you out here,’ said Rarity, with a beckoning hoof she added ‘come in, please’.
The girls let go of each other and followed Rarity’s lead.
What waited inside was…interesting…or if it please the critic was trying to be a blend of a five star restaurant and a police suspect board. Along the models runway there was an exquisite oak dining table with matching high backed chairs, topped with a single candle and two sets of plates and cutlery. At the back of the stage there stood a small army of flip charts with the headshots of famous stallions on their cover. The kitchen was alive with the sound of bubbling pots, fiery ovens and smells from just about every continent. But the most…interesting…jolt to the senses were a set of well-dressed and smiling dummies perched upon stools like they were either watching a movie or were about to be launched into a wall. One of them for whatever reason was covered in blue feathers and given a beak.
‘When I made my date with Gibson I wasn’t in the right mind to see how naïve I was’ said Rarity, stepping over to the runway. ‘Not only do I have limited dating experience but I don’t really know how to act around regular boys. So after a little stressing out I came to my answer. BUNRAKU!’.
‘Gesunhoof!’ said Apple Bloom.
‘No dear, it’s performance art.’ said Rarity, ‘I turned a few of my clothes horses into puppets, each requiring up to three ponies to keep steady….I was just about to go find three ponies when you girls came strolling along’ she let out a squee ‘my day has just been full of lucky breaks. Now, this is where you need to pay attention. Before I made the puppets I went through all of my fashion magazines and old scrapbooks and picked out six ponies of lowering social status, and I say lower because I thought the best thing for this experiment is to start from the top and make my way down. When I had my six ponies I wrote down everything I could learn about them. Their hobbies, pet hates, childhood memories, favourite hair style, and just for the record’ she giggled ‘if they were single’.
Scootaloo raised a hoof.
‘Hold on dear, I’m almost finished’ said Rarity. ‘So basically, if my plan works out by the end of tonight I should be fluent enough in the art of dating and conversation that I’ll have no trouble hanging out with a low class goose like Gibson’.
Apple Bloom looked at Sweetie Belle. ‘Goose...?’.
Sweetie Belle shrugged.
‘So if I’m hearing you right,’ said Scootaloo, ‘you want the three of us to get up there, puppeteer seven puppets, pretend to be seven different ponies, and go on SEVEN imaginary dates with you?’.
‘Gosh…that is a lot of work for just three little fillies’ said Rarity, raising a hoof to her chin. She took a moment to think then trotted back to the front door.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders had a gestural conversation while she wasn’t looking.
‘She’s gone insane!’ said Scootaloo.
‘I vote we say no!’ stressed Apple Bloom.
‘Agreed’ said Scootaloo.
‘Girls, she obviously needs help’ said Sweetie Belle.
‘Then find a ventriloquist’ said Scootaloo.
‘A violinist?’ asked Apple Bloom.
‘No, a ventriloquist!’
Rarity went no further than the door and drew a deep breath, a very deep breath, then yelled a yell that’d make the deaf say “Whazzat?”.
~ SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKEEEYYY-WIIIIIIIIIIIKKKEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!! ~
One could almost hear a “boing” when the purple dragon stopped right at her feet.
‘I came as fast I could’ said Spike, not even the least bit tired from running three miles in as many seconds. A crowd of love hearts rose from his scaly chest then popped upon him noticing the mare looked a tad unusual today.
A blink went by. Neither one said a word.
‘Aren’t you going to scream too?’ asked Rarity.
‘Kinda saw it coming!’ said Spike.
Rarity turned on her good eyes. ‘Spike-Wikey, do you ever picture you and I going on a date?’.
‘Everyday!’ said Spike.
‘I’m very glad you said that’ said Rarity, she kissed him on the cheek and the little dragon melted like butter in her hooves. ‘I’ve got a rare opportunity for you Spike. How would you like to go on seven dates with me in one evening’.
‘Did you say seven?’.
‘Yes, seven. I’m trying out a little experiment you see and I need someone who wouldn’t mind saying sweet things to me…’ she came close to his face ‘all night long’.
‘All night!’ said Spike with a gulp, ‘Well…this is totally sudden and…weird…but ok’
‘Good,’ said Rarity, ‘now get under that table so we can begin!’.
Spike stood up a little. ‘Say what now?’.
‘You heard me little man…dragon…and it’s rude to offer your help to a lady and not make good on your promises!’.
Spike looked inside. Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were giving him the double hoofed wave, the universal sign for “Run! Run!”.
‘Um…there’s some chores that I need to…’.
‘GETUNDERTHETABLE!’.
Spike ran straight under the oak furniture where he clung to a table leg, quaking with fear.
Rarity gave the girls a sinister eye.
At once the three of them joined Spike under the table. It seemed like the right call.
Author's Note
Yes. I did make a reference to Simon's cat.
My next chapter will take a bit longer to come out. I have to catch up with some work for university, important stuff, but in the meantime I’ll also working on some comic dubs. The next chapter should be up no later than Sunday 11th of January.
