A Great and Powerful Magician.
Tonight, at approximately 3:33 AM, you will meet Fate’s sensual, perfumed embrace and be taken from this mortal coil.
Welcome to Night Vale.
Hello, dear listeners, today marks the 30th anniversary of Big Rico’s Pizza and our wonderful pizza place is hosting a party. As of yet there have been no actual invitations sent or official announcements made, but every single one of the horoscopes says that this party is definitely happening.
The stars also say that anyone who wishes to attend must come dressed as their favorite 80’s boy band member.
In other news, perfect, wonderful, gorgeous Carlos has reported that there is a large, blue and magenta portal hovering just over our station. I don’t know what being controls this portal, or what odd, unknowable world lies beyond it, but I’m sure that we can all agree that there is nothing that adds character to a building quite like a glowing inter-dimensional portal.
Oh, Intern Mara has just left the station, I think that she’s going to investigate. I’d love to follow her, but I must perform my government-mandated duties to the City Council and continue with the news.
Recently, it has come to the attention of the local PTA group, who have still not fully recovered from last year’s pterodactyl attack, have found that a certain show has had a rather….odd effect on the town’s children.
That show being My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
Now, I haven’t watched the show, although both Intern Mara and Carlos do and have both told me that I was missing out on the “One constant, glowing light amidst a turbulent sea of uncertainties”. So I guess I’ll have to watch a few episodes when I am able.
Anyway, the PTA says that the show causes “happiness that far exceeds the natural happiness limits”. They also say that watching the show for too long can cause odd mutations, like enlarged eyes, spiral horns that protrude a good seven inches from the forehead, long ears, wings and the ability to sing like an angel, if the angels ever sang, that is.
As of yet the City Council has made no comment, though eyewitnesses say that they have been sitting around the bloodstone near the playground, chanting and writhing like men whose souls are not their own.
The PTA also-
Eeeee!
What in the world?
Oh….my lord!
Uhmm…..it appears as though Intern Dana is in trouble, I suppose I’ll go see what the issue is, excuse me.
Hello?
Hello?!
Urrgghh…..why won’t anybody answer Trixie?! Where am I? Why is everything so bucking tall and….is that a restroom….with a floating cat?
What is going on here? Why is that cat floating? And is that a microphone?
Uhm…..hello? Can anypony hear me? I….I guess that this is an S.O.S. My name is the Grrrrreat and Powerful Trrrrrixie and I…..really need to stop talking like that.
My real name is Trixie Lulamoon and I was performing in Ponyville when this portal appeared out of nowhere and it-it pulled me in. Some of the ponies rushed to help me, but I was already halfway through the portal by the time that they reached my stage.
Oh, why did I have to make the stage so darn high up?
A-anyways, I don’t know where I am. The last thing that I saw was the face of that purple unicorn, what was her name? Twilight….Twilight something. I know her first name was Twilight.
She looked so….scared….for me. I’ve never seen someone look that concerned for me.
And now….now I don’t know where I am, can anypony help me? I want to leave this place, but the last door that I came upon made all these noises….like slimy things slithering across the floor. I don’t want to go near there and I don’t know if the other doors lead to more bad places.
To anypony who’s listening, please help m-
-I know they’re cute, Dana, but I have to get back to…..oh...hello there. What are you?
I…..I…...I……
Oh my goodness, you talk? Now that’s an interesting trait. I wonder what government lab made you.
T-The Grrreat and Powerful Trrrixie was not MADE! She was born like everypony else….please don’t hurt me….
I don’t think you have anything to fear from me, I could ever even consider harming someone as unmitigatedly adorable as you. Do you like head rubs?
I…..guess?
Good. How’s this feel?
I...ohhh….g-good…..y-yeeaahhhhh….that’s nice…..riiiight there…..mmmmmm….
I can’t wait till Carlos sees you, I bet you’ll make his day! He just loves cute things, maybe even more than I do! Oh….the mike’s still on. Well, dear listeners, we appear to have a very interesting guest here today. She says that her name is the….and correct me if I get this wrong…. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeatt and Powerrrrrrful Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrixie!!!!!!
I….you can just call me Trixie, Mr-?
Awww, what a cute little blush! Oh, and my name is Cecil, I’m the Voice of Night Vale, as it were.
Night Vale? Is that where I am?
I do believe so, unless the Sheriff’s Secret Police have released the mirage gas again. So, what brings you here to our humble, little city?
I didn’t come here, I was pulled here by some kind of freaky portal.
Ah, was this portal blue and magenta?
You’ve seen it?!
Oh yes, it’s hanging right over the station as we speak. It makes a wonderful conversation piece, as we’ve just demonstrated.
Yeah…..uh….can you help me get back?
I’m sure I could, though I think that it would be very nice to do an interview with you, y’know, let the local PTA know what your plans are for the children of this humble burg?
What are you talking about?
Oh, you don’t know that you’re most definitely part of a children’s television program? Don’t worry, it can happen to the best of us, thought that sort of thing rarely happens in Night Vale, with the exception of Simone Rigaudeau, who recently theorized that this whole town is really fictional and part of a podcast on the internet.
Oh….really?
Yes, and Simone is a very intelligent woman, even though she’s a transient who collects cans as pets. Anyway, since you seem to be trying and failing to process the first question, why don’t I just ask you what you were doing before you came here?
Oh….well, y’see, I’m a magician by trade, in fact, I’m one of the greatest.
Ah, there are few jobs as awe-inspiring and magnificent as magician. Have you summoned any shrieking abominations from beyond the void yet?
What?! No...why would I ever do something so horrible?
Well I don’t know, every wailing aberration to any and every loving deity that I’ve ever met have turned out pretty nice after the initial shock and slime-expungement.
Wh….huh?
Okay, I can see the twitch in your eye that Carlos tells me means that I might be overwhelming someone. Sorry for that.
I-it’s fine. Anyway, I was performing a show in Ponyville and...well...it wasn’t going very well: i was getting booed by all those country bumpkins and I just...I just wanted them to stop, y’know? So I told them “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
I see…. and were you able to do as you promised?
Well….in a way, I suppose.
Go on.
The one who booed me the hardest was some pegasus with a rainbow mane and an ego the size of Canterlot. She was the first neigh-sayer and-
Neigh-sayer? That’s…..that’s so cute! Intern Mara, did you heard what she just said!? She said “Neigh-Sayers”! I know, it’s so cute. Do you know how cute you sound right now? Because you sound cuter than Koscheck's meow.
Uhm….thank you?
Oh think nothing of it, Miss. Trixie. Now, how did you defeat this….Neigh-Sayer?
Oh, well….using my powerful magics I grabbed her and hurled her into a windmill and spun her around until she looked fit to puke! It was one of my finest moments, if I do say so myself.
That does sound very impressive. Here in Night Vale, there aren’t very many people who are nearly so adept at telekinesis as you are. Many of them can barely even lift a single car, let alone spin someone around until they vomit.
Wait, wait, wait, you mean your people can do magic? How common is it?
What? Oh no no, the telekinesis is part of one of the Sheriff’s Secret Police’s many, many experiments. And as for magic, well I suppose one can learn about it, but the manuals are all in the library, which is not exactly a fun place to go.
Yes, I see what you mean.
I mean, if only the librarians would stop eating the people who come there, then it might be more approachable, but-
What are you talking about? You mean that you have carnivorous librarians here? What other things can kill you?
Oh, you know, the usual: rabid dogs, basilisks, dragons, magical mishaps, rock slides-
Yes, we have those, too.
-flash floods, the Shape in Grove Park, anything in the dog park, the Whispering Forest, the SSP, wheat and wheat-by-products, Street Cleaning Day, Valentines Day, Halloween, Poetry Week if you’re a slow writer, random landmines in and near the playgrounds, the freak sandstorms, giant worms, invisible spiders and our own hubris.
…..
Are you alright, Miss. Trixie?
I need to get out of here.
Oh don’t worry, none of those things can hurt you as long as you’re in here...well, maybe the invisible spiders…..but enough dwelling on the unnatural terrors of the known and unknown, why don’t you finish your story before we send you back?
You promise to help me if I finish this interview?
Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.
…...Why does that sound so familiar? Never mind, after I had bested the rainbow pegasus I hogtied some farmer hick and turned a fashionista's hair green.
Ah, yes….you did well, preventing the unholy power of the fashionista from corrupting any other innocent pony, their power is in their hair, you know.
I honestly didn’t know that. Though that makes more sense the more I think about it. Anyways, I had just finished with the fashionista when the portal opened up behind me and started pulling me in. There was this unicorn in the crowd, her pet dragon had been urging her to challenge me, I heard her name: it was Twilight.
Well that’s a pretty name.
It is, isn’t it? Oh...uh….anyway, Twilight rushed to help me, but the portal had already swallowed most of me. I was pulled in completely, blacked out, then I awoke here in Night Vale.
I see….that certainly is an interesting story.
Yeah…..I guess it was…..
Something’s bothering you. What is it?
It’s...it’s funny: the whole time that I was doing my show I was….well...I was kind of being a bit of a bully….I don’t know why I keep doing things like that, but I sort of….humiliated a few of the ponies when they started booing me. But when I was getting sucked into the portal, they all looked so….concerned for me...especially Twilight, whose big, beautiful eyes were so scared….for me….it was so strange.
Hmmm…. when you get back, are you going to talk to this Twilight mare?
What? Why would I do that?
Well, in my experience, it helps to talk about your troubles with someone you really like, and you seem like you have some troubles.
What do you mean by ‘really like’?
Oh come on, it’s obvious, even to a humble radio personality like myself, that you like her. I mean, you looked so...happy, when you were talking about Twilight. Y’know, I felt the same way about Carlos when I first laid eyes on him and his perfect hair.
Wh-whaaa-?
D’aww, you’re blushing again!
I-I’m not into Twilight, I don’t even know her last name and-
It’s Sparkle!
Thank you, Intern Mara. There, now you know her full name.
Twilight Sparkle…..Twilight Sparkle….that’s a….really nice name, actually. With those beautiful eyes and that purple-pink mane….I guess...I guess she IS pretty…..c-c-cute.
That’s the spirit! Now, what are you going to say to Twilight Sparkle when you return.
I guess…..I guess I’ll apologize to her for all my wrongdoings and accept whatever punishment she decides to give me…
And…?
And maybe I’ll ask her out on a date!! Okay, there I said it, are you happy?
I believe the real question is: are YOU happy?
I...I guess….yeah….I am.
Good for you! Now….how about we see about getting you back into the portal.
Thank you! Thank you for keeping your word, Cecil.
You are most welcome, Trixie. Oh, and if you see a pony who looks just like you, but has black voids, like the darkest depths of space, for eyes, run and do not accept any hugs from it. It is most definitely evil.
I...I’ll keep that in mind. Though I think being hugged to death is a funny way to die, though I personally think that getting eaten by a giant snake would be the best way to die. It would-
Give your life perfect symmetry?
Yes, exactly! I guess we’re a bit more alike than I first thought.
Oh I firmly believe that everyone is connected in some way, be it by interests or by a foot of skin and flesh, or by a shared brain. No one is exactly not unlike everyone else in my humble opinion.
...Yeah…..well, I guess I’ll be off, goodbye, Cecil!
Good bye to you, too, Trixie, I hope your first date with Twilight Sparkle goes well. As long as both of you can overcome your crippling social anxieties, you will have a long and happy romance that will probably last a good while, barring accidents or alien body-snatchers. Bye bye!
Well, folks, that was a very interesting news day indeed. I don’t know if I have time for the Weather, but I do have time for a small, personal editorial.
Nothing happens without reason, we are all bound by Fate’s invisible strings and we move as her or its puppets. None of us are strangers, although many of us are very strange indeed.
I can’t wait to tell Carlos about who I met. I bet he’ll be real jealous, but I’m sure that he’ll get over it, after all, that portal hasn’t closed yet. So we might be getting more visitors from that world of adorable talking ponies. I just hope the SSP don’t get too overwrought with their experiments.
Anyway, it’s time for me to retire, to find warmth in Carlos’s loving embrace. I hope that all of you can do the same and I wish our Great and Powerful guest a happy romance and all the warmth of a dwarf star.
Good night, Night Vale, good night.
Author's Note
There, a nice oneshot (?) that crosses over with one of my new favorite fandoms. Seriously, Welcome to Night Vale deserves more fanfics.
I hope that I did a good job of capturing Cecil and Trixie's personalities and I wish you all a Merry Christmas.
