In a village somewhere off the outskirts of Equestria, a creature had awoken. This creature ventured out of it's home and went about it's business. This creature was strong, this creature was intelligent, this creature was inferior, this creature......was a human. As it went out to work in the quarries near the village with the other humans that inhabited this region, all 20 or so of them, it reflected on how it had come to be in this situation. When the Earth began to crumble and die due to the constant nuclear warfare, the humans looked to whatever and wherever to keep their race alive. All seemed lost until one human, a male of 16 known as Richard, came to them with what they assumed would be the answer: an alternate reality device that created entirely new universes for humans to inhabit based off human creations, that is, movies, TV shows, games etc. It created world after world for all the different types of humans there were. The nerds got tron, the gamers got the mushroom kingdom, and the bronies got Equestria. However, little did they know that this was all a scam. Richard intended to charge them for salvation and then use his machine to teleport them, for such technology was commonplace in that day and age, to someplace else and Richard would go for one last mammoth night on the town before he and the rest of humanity eventually succumbed to the radiation or the eldrich abominations we once called local wildlife that the radiation had created. But, when everyone was waiting to be transported to their pseudo-paradise, all their worthly posessions in tow, another human named Joe started dicking around with the machinery and he caused the device to do something that Richard hadn’t anticipated: Joe made the machine do what Richard had told them it was going to do. and it was at that moment that Richard had a sudden flash of inspiration. he would take the humans to their promised land, he would save them all. And he knew just where he’d go, Equestria.
As the humans all informed Richard as to where they’d like to spend the rest of their existence, all he could think of was his life in Equestria, would he end up as some sort of advisor to Princess Celestia? Would he end up working in Ponyville? Would he end up an outcast in the Everfree Forest? There was only one way he was going to find out, and he’d soon be carrying out this one way of finding out. He waited patiently while all the others went in to their fantasies, then the time finally came for him and the rest of the bronies to do the same. But as they were transported to Equestria, they failed to notice a fatal problem. The power went out literally the moment they entered. This sudden shutoff combined with the irreversible transportation process created a hybrid of Equestria and Earth, resulting in ponies with all the violence and hostility of humans. And now, as Richard reflected on this tragic event, he couldn’t supress the realization that it was all his fault.
Richard didn't have much in this world of ponies and oppression. But what he did have was more than enough, his videogames and his ipod. Those who knew Richard knew that this ipod always had the right song for every situation, and he was always keen to use music in his everyday life, he likened himself to an ancient French musician he knew of, Cacafonix his name was. He often listend to his ipod while working, this bein the only way to stop him going somewhat mental to some degree. Most other already were mental, the rest were just really lucky. The work wasn’t that hard, it kept them fit, but it also demanded a decent diet, which was thankfully provided for them. After all, what use is there in workers that can’t work? Richard happened to be listening to his ipod while working on this fateful day. And as he heard what song had come on, he couldn't help but smile at how well the music fitted the situation him and indeed all the humans of equestria were in. The human next to him, Joe, noticed this smile.
"Oi, what you got going in them lugholes?"
"Purcell's funeral of the queen ma-"He began to reply before he got a back full of pain and a face full of dirt.
"No talking during work hours!" A gruff sounding pony shouted at him."Or do you wanna see the boss?" Richard shuddered, he had been sent to Big Macintosh once before and quite frankly that was as many times as he wanted to be sent there anytime soon, so he got up and carried on with his work. But then something changed inside his mind, something broke. It wasn’t his spirit, but rather his tolerance. He wasn’t going to take any more of this. He turned around and sprung on the pony who had just shouted at him. Other ponies ran to prise the two of them apart. Once they had done this, Richard was swiftly subdued and placed in solitary confinement. Five weeks later, after a few more humans were executed for copying Richard, He was released. Once he finished his work for that day. Joe managed to speak with him.
“You alright mate?”
“Yeah, fine.” Richard replied.
“You sure? Five weeks alone like that can do things to a man. At least we have some chance to socialise as is, you were isolated.” Joe said, with a slightly worried tone to his voice.
“I said I’m fine.” Richard replied, seeming slightly agitated. Then he began to set that night’s events in motion. He didn’t know it yet, but he was about to start something unlike anyone, or anypony for that matter, had ever seen.
“Joe, spread the word, meeting tonight in hut 17.”
That night, while the night ponies watched over the Human's village, those who were meeting in hut 17 were sneaking around to get there. They had constructed an underground network of tunnels so that these meetings, which had been going on for some time now, could take place. usually they were simply held so that the humans had an opportunity to vent rage at their captors. However, tonight, there were much bigger fish to fry. Most of the humans had sort of devolved into dumb, barely functioning creatures. But those who hadn't succumbed to this fate, all 3 of them, led the meetings. Richard was one of these intelligent humans, and tonight he blew everyone's mind. When everyone was gathered in hut 17, Richard had this to say:
"Okay everyone, listen up. We're escaping!"
The entire room gasped, but no-one dared to speak. After a while, Joe spoke up.
"Are you insane man? We're a bunch of mostly stupid people going up against a bunch of ponies with guns and magic! I'm sorry mate, but we just can't beat Celestia."
"Oh, but we can! You see I've been thinking about this during my five weeks of solitude, and I know how we can carry out a revolution. If we get out of this complex, I reckon we have enough humans to make our way to Canterlot and overthrow the tyrant!"
"But how do we actually GET OUT?" Richard opened his mouth to reply, but then realised he hadn't thought of that.
"I knew it, I just knew it." Joe sighed, turning away from Richard."If only we were back on earth, then we could fight. I remember those days well, old Jocko at the stick, Flappy at the map, Whizzbang at the tail end. I put in the finishing touches, and then we hopped in the old ram and BAM! Down went the enemy. Oh yes, that's how yo-"
"Hang on a mo, what's the old ram?"
"A battering ram. I thought that'd be fairly obvious. Now as I was saying," Joe continued telling his anecdote to the rest of the humans, but Richard had his back to him, he was thinking about his plan.
"Of course, we might actually be able to pull this off!" He whispered to himself, before turning around to face the group."We're still escaping!" The entire group stared at him."Don't you get it? Joe here's provided the answer!"
"I have?" Joe asked in shock, before changing his manner entirely." Ah yes of course I have.......How have I?"
"We'll build.......A ram!" at that point everyone in the room cheered, but then they all shut up when they heard a voice from outside.
"what's going on in there?"
They stood still, practically shitting themselves, but then ran back into the tunnels when they heard the sound of a shotgun being pumped. They were afraid, but confident in their escape.
The humans worked many months to get their hands on everything they needed for their escape, they had research teams analysing where the weapons were, where they could get resources and when there were least guards on watch. There were stealth teams who's job it was to get their hands on the weapons and resources. There were builders. There were fighters. And there were the overseers, Richard, Joe, and the other intelligent human, David, who made sure everything went to plan to the tune of Building The Crate from the Chicken Run OST. But then, one night, as the project neared completion, everything was blown. The humans were working quickly when they heard a booming voice above them all. Big Macintosh.
"My guns!" All the humans stopped and stared at him."Why you thieving little shits!" All the humans stood still, this time literally shitting themselves.
"Crap, now what do we do?" Joe whispered to Richard, who said nothing. But as Big Macintosh pumped shotgun, he said something no other human would ever say to a pony were it not for him.
"ATTACK!!!!" The next thing Big Macintosh knew, Richard was on top of him. He punched and kicked the muscular stallion in a fit of rage."Oh, who's the big man now, huh?" Richard shouted at him.
"Nice plan!" Joe exclaimed as he too joined in the beating. The remaining humans swiftly followed suit. It wasn't long before Big Macintosh was beaten within an inch of his life, bound and gagged. They left him in the corner as Richard turned to address the humans.
"Right, who sold us out! There's no way someone like him could've found out about this by himself, who squealed on us?" All eyes in the room turned to David, who seemed to be looking for a way out. Richard also turned to face him."Why'd you do it mate?"
"Richard, I-I'm sorry,. H-He offered me a b-better life, a better future, I was weak!"
"I'm sorry mate, so so sorry." Richard then grabbed a pistol and shot him in the head."We can't leave anything more to chance, people. We're escaping now!"
"But Richard, the ram's not ready!" Joe shouted.
"JUST LISTEN!! We'll either die free men, or die trying! Now who's with me?" The entire place went up in a chorus of cheers."Then let's do it!" and as Richard's ipod began playing the ending to The Chickens Are Revolting from Chicken Run, they humans finally completed the ram. Everything was in place for the revolution.
As the guards patrolled the village in the early morning, the humans met at the ram to finally make their escape. It was a fairly simple contraption, with each human peddling a set of wheels to propel the ram forward. Then when they reached the right speed, they would all brake and the ram would go flying at the guard towers and they'd be free at last! Richard got them all organised, and they went off. The guards suspected nothing until they saw the shape of a giant human fist charging towards the towers.
"Boy, it's a miracle they never noticed this thing being built!" Richard chuckled to himself."Increase velocity!" He shouted at the rest of the group. They got faster, and faster, and faster, until the call came to brake. When they did, the feeling was incredibly strange. It felt as if all their organs were shoved into their stomach area. Then, suddenly, they heard the crunch of wood and then everything went upside down. When the world stopped rotating, they slowly climbed out of the ram and discovered, to their immense joy, that they were outside the village! but they knew not to relax yet. They all took a gun from either their belts or the straps on their backs and aimed back towards the guard towers. They then heard the guards running towards them, but dispatching them was easy, their hands being more adapted to the use of a firearm. When all the guards were dead, they turned to Richard for orders.
"Now we storm the castle, Celestia's gonna accept us one way or another!" The crowd cheered him on, but as they ran towards the castle of the princess, Joe called out for them to stop.
"Guys! We can't go in! I've been doing some research and I found out that Celestia is using the Elements of Harmony as some sort of magic defense array." If we go anywhere near the castle we'll all be killed faster than we can say oh me mother!"
"Then what the hell do we do?" Richard asked him.
"According to my research, the power of the elements still resides with the mane six, so once we take the elements out from them, we can storm the castle." Joe told him, proud of being some use.
"Right then, I say we start with Fluttershy, she'll probably be the easiest to get to."
"Sounds like a plan." The humans then went to find Fluttershy and begin their liberation.
When they found Fluttershy, she was just finishing up her work for the morning. The humans approached her calmly.
"Ma'am. I've come to ask you something. Are you still in posession of the element of kindness?" Richard asked her in a polite tone.
"Why yes." Fluttershy replied.
"All right, I'm going to be blunt with you. We've come to destroy it." Richard informed her.
"But why would you want to do that?" Fluttershy asked curiously.
"It is the first step towards human liberation." Richard said.
"Alright then, but don't think you're getting it for nothing, I want something in return."
"Ah crud. Lads!" Richard turned to face the group.Have any of you got anything that Fluttershy here might want?"
"Not really." Replied the group as they emptied their pockets.
"I don't quite think you understand, what I want is more than just a material possession." Fluttershy said while walking towards Richard.
"But what could you-" Richard began before noticing the position of Fluttershy's wings."Oh no. Oh god no." He looked to the group apologetically."Lads, don't think less of me for this.
"Why what are you-OH MY GOD MAN! THAT IS JUST PLAIN NASTY!!" Joe exclaimed as the rest of the group turned away in disgust.
"Oh god! Oh yes! Oh! Oh AAAAAAAAH!!!" Fluttershy screamed as she received her something in return. When Richard finished, he turned back to the group."Sorry lads, it had to be done. Now, about that element...."
Fluttershy led the humans to where she kept the element of kindness, the group stared in awe.
"Take a good look lads," Richard began."This is the last time you'll ever see this thing." He then raised his foot and crushed the element. The magic inside it evaporated into thin air.
"Thank you, Fluttershy, for helping our cause."
"No, thank YOU." She replied, giggling.
"Onward lads! we still have a lot to do!" The humans then went in search of the remaining elements.
The humans walked for hours and hours in search of the remaining elements of harmony. They thought they were making progress until they actually found themselves right back at their village. At this point, one guy from the back of the group began to speak up.
"This is bullshit! We're gonna get nowhere at this rate! I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to the castle right now!" He shouted as he ran off in the direction of the castle, which wasn't too far away. He was just about to enter the castle when Joe cried out from behind him.
"Mate no!" but it was too late. As he touched the door of the castle flames flew up his arm and into his body, frying him from the inside out. Richard, Joe, and all the other humans watched in horror as their comrade was reduced to nothing more than ash and some bones before their very eyes. At this point they heard the voice of the tyrant Celestia roar with laughter.
"Did you really think you could just waltz right in here you worthless excuses for life? How pathetic!"
"You're gonna pay for killing him you bitch!"
"Oh really? I’d like to see you try, you filthy scum!" Richard was seething with fury, he always knew that Celestia was to be hated by humans, but now that he'd actually experienced her racism first hand, nothing was gonna stop him.
"Come on lads, I'm gonna take her down if it kills me!"
The humans carried on walking, but now there was nothing in their way, nothing hindering them.
"Keep it up lads, we're gonna find one of these things eventua-"He began before walking face first into a tree. He got up and seemed okay but became dazed when an apple fell from the tree and clonked him on the head. It turned out that this apple was just what Richard needed to put two and two together. Tree plus apple plus field equals:
"Sweet apple acres! Of course! This way lads, Applejack ought to be down here and we can destroy the next element!" The humans wasted no time in running down the field and making their way to the barn. However, when they got there, an all too haunting sign met them. A gravestone, on it were the words,"Here lies Big Macintosh, may he be remembered fondly by all ponies who knew him." When Richard discovered this, he turned around to the group, and addressed them solemnly.
"Lads, we may be up shite creek without a paddle in a sinking canoe." When he said this, he became aware of a rustling noise behind him, and when he turned around to investigate, he discovered a pony. It's head was down, and even though a black hat obscured it's facial features, one could tell that a look of hate was etched onto it's face.
"You.......Fuckers!"
The next thing Richard knew, he was on the floor, winded, with the pony on top of him. Now that he could get a clear view of this pony's face, he recognised it as Applejack.
"Applejack, liste-"
"You bastard! Why'd you kill him?"
"Listen! I didn't want him dead any more than you did. But being treated like that, being treated like a slave for so long. It does things to you. I couldn't stop them from murdering your brother. I wish I could, but I couldn't. I'm sorry."
"That ain't good enough! I'm gonna get my revenge for what you did to him!" Richard watched as Applejack raised her hoof to deliver a potentially fatal blow, but then he felt an immense feeling of anger and strength, he had done everything to get his group here, and he wasn't about to let one pony ruin that.
"get away from me you bitch!" He then pushed Applejack off him, took out his gun and shot her in the head. It wasn't until blood began to collect in a puddle on the ground that he realised what had happened. Applejack was dead. Richard had killed her. Then he noticed something he found extremely disturbing yet also extremely interesting, he felt no remorse. He then heard a loud cracking sound coming from the barn, which he discovered was the element of honesty shattering, apparently when the owner of an element dies, the element also dies. As Richard realised this, a wicked smile spread across his face.
"gear up lads, it's time for the equestria shotgun massacre!"
After walking some more the humans ended up in the heart of ponyville. The town was mostly deserted, with all the ponies moving away in favour of big, industrial style city complexes. But there was one pony who remained there, Rarity, holder of the element of generosity.
"Given the element, this ought to be a walk in the park." Richard thought to himself, but his train of thought was interrupted when an egg hit him squarely in the face. He turned to see where it had come from and discovered two fillies, both grey in colour, shouting racist terms the ponies had for humans at them. Furious at the insolence shown by these two, Richard instinctively blew both their brains out with one bullet The rest of the group stared in shock.
"Ignore them lads." Richard said to the group as he walked away."God it feels good to be a rebel." He said to himself, chuckling lightly.
"Erm, Richard?" Joe said.
"Yeah mate?" Richard replied
"I've been doing some thinking about this whole 'equestria shotgun massacre' thing. I can't help but think that perhaps blowing the ever loving fuck out of everypony might be a teensy bit counterproductive, know what I mean?"
Richard sighed."Alright, but if I say kill, we kill. Got it?" The rest of the group nodded."Good, onward to Rarity!"
When the goup arrived at Rarity's boutique, she was busy working on a custom outfit for one of her customers. it had racist slogans all over it.
"Rarity?"
"Yes? How can I help yo-AARGH!" She screamed as she saw all the filthy humans inside her shop. "What the hell are all of you disgusting creatures doing here?"
"We need the element of generosity Do you still have it?"
"Even if I did have it why the fuck would I give it to you? You've caused nothing but trouble ever since you arrived here in equestria! you don't deserve to live!"
Richard sighed. Alright, I didn't wanna have to do this." Richard said as he pulled out his gun."Lads! Kill!"
"Ohohoho, so that's how we're gonna play, is it? Well two can play at that game!" Rarity cried as her horn began to glow. The next thing Richard knew one of the humans with him was hoisted up in the air by an enchanted piece of ribbon which had him by the legs. He screamed in pain and horror as the ribbon pulled him apart. Gore splattered everywhere. Richard turned towards Rarity, hate etched onto his face, when suddenly a strange sensation came over him. His ipod came on without him turning it on, and he shouted something rather strange.
"BOSS FIGHT!!"
Richard's ipod began to fill his head with the sick melody of Crazy Clown from the Dead Rising OST. It seemed somewhat fitting to Richard in a strange way he couldn't explain, but that didn't matter right now. He was lost in the moment. He started things off by shooting down some of the other humans, Joe included, who had been snatched up by the ribbon. Once he had done that, he took cover and started firing off shots at Rarity, but nothing seemed to do anything. While trying to find out how to damage her, he failed to notice on of the humans was grabbed by Rarity and forced through a nearby sewing machine, stitching his spine. The pain that human went through was unbearable, and he shot himself in the mouth, killing him instantly. When Richard became aware of his neglect, he was filled with anger, not just with Rarity, but with himself. In his anger, he realised what he had to do. Aiming carefully, he took a shot at Rarity's horn, causing a massive backlash of magic. This wave left Rarity stunned for a brief moment, which was all he needed. He rushed towards the fashonista pony and fly kicked her in the head, sending her flying. She regained consciousness just as she went face first into a nearby mirror, shattering it. The shards of glass made deep cuts to her body, and she died of the blood loss. Richard slowly regained composure as he heard the distinct shatter of an element of harmony. Three down, three to go.
"Good work lads, but not good enough. You all need to-" He began to give them some battle advice to avoid anymore fatalities, but then he noticed a rainbow coloured streak outside. He stared back at the group with a wicked smile.
"You all need to be about twenty percent deadlier."
Upon hearing Richard's words the humans all knew that they would be going after Rainbow Dash next, the phrase '20% X' Having been immortalised among them long ago. They ventured outside and found her flying around at breakneck speeds. Just another day in the office, then.
"Rainbow Da-"Richard began to say before she jetted off."fine, that's the way she wants it, no problem." Richard began to trudge after her when suddenly his ipod began playing the next song. When Richard heard it, he suddenly felt driven to catch her, and it was gonna be epic."I've always wanted to do this with ponies." He then turned back to the rest of the humans."Lads! Charge!" And they ran off in pursuit of Rainbow Dash as Richards ipod played William Tell Overture to accompany their chase.
It felt like they had run all over Equestria before things eventually became somewhat progress shaped. aching and exhausted, Richard realised he was getting nowhere. To end the farce, he fired off a shot at Rainbow Dash. She skidded, or whatever the airborne equivalent of skidding is, to a halt and began shouting at them.
"What's your problem? You can't just go around shooting at anypony! And what are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be in your village or something?" She asked angrily.
"I'm not going back there until I'm a free man. And you can help in that endeavour. Give me the Element of Loyalty. Do not give it to me and your flank is mine! Give it to me and I promise, on my honour, we will let you go quietly." For a moment, Rainbow Dash was silent, as if contemplating the situation, but suddenly she burst out laughing.
"You really think I'm just gonna give it to you? You won't get the element until you pry it from my cold, dead hooves!" Richard sighed, another crazy boss fight scenario."Alrighty then. Lads! Arm yourselves! This one dies." They went to grab their guns, but stopped when they heard a voice overhead, not Dash's, but that of another pony.
"Can't let you do that, humans!"
The humans watched in both surprise and fear as two Pegasi flew in to Dash's side. They were the wonderbolts.
"Celestia has ordered us to take you down." informed the first.
"Celestia's enemy is MY enemy!" shouted the second
"Spitfire! Soarin'! Long time no see!" Exclaimed Dash as she high hoofed them both.
"Oh god, this is gonna be tough. Lads! Time for some aiming practice!" Richard shouted as the humans began shooting at the flying elite of Equestria. By this point, Richard's ipod had stopped with the William Tell and instead was playing the theme of Star Wolf, specifically the version used in Star Fox 64 3D. The fight seemed to go well at first, with Spitfire being dispatched fairly easily with a shot to the wing, and Soarin' going down after misjudging the spped needed to kill a human. The human dodged, and Soarin crashed. Seeing her two idols killed by such creatures as these made Dash furious. Without thinking, she flew at the humans as fast as possible, causing a sonic rainboom.The rainboom itself was strong enough to kill one human, with Dash herself claiming two more. When Dash was about to hit him, Richard instinctively lashed out with his fists. He expected death, but looked back to discover his fist had gone strait through Dash's skull, stopping her. Richard looked past the deceased Pegasus and discovered he held a clump of brain matter in his fist. The thought of such a morbid kill and that he was the perpetrator made him vomit, but he soon got over this revulsion. He had been mostly desensitized back on Earth. Richard took Dash's death to mean the end of her element, and acted accordingly. He began to walk off in search of the remaining two elements, when Joe suddenly caught up with him.
"Mate! Ive been doing more research, and I think we can enter the castle now!"
"You certain about this? I mean, I don't wanna end up like that other guy."
"It'll hurt like all hell but you'll definitely survive, I know that much."
"Sounds like a plan to me! Lads! Now we storm the castle!"
While the humans made their way to the castle, Celestia was worried. She paced back and forth in her private chamber, wondering what the best course of action might be. She ultimately decided that there was strength in numbers, and began writing a letter.
My faithful student Twilight Sparkle,
Four of the element bearers are finished, this isn't going very well for us. In order to keep pony rule intact I want you and your friend Pinkie Pie to help defend the castle. We must defend our authority at all costs!
Yours, Princess Celestia.
When Twilight Sparkle received the letter, she became concerned. Nothing of this magnitude had ever taken place in Equestria before. She wasted no time in replying.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I shall make my way to the castle immediately. You needn't worry about those filthy humans usurping your rule.
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight then handed the finished letter off to Owlowiscious to give to the Princess.
"This whole letter business was much more efficient back when spike was still around." Twilight thought to herself."But he's moved on now. He's in better hands. If only Celestia hadn't been so insistent." But she tried not to dwell on the matter for much longer, and went to get Pinkie Pie.
"Come on Pinkie, you're gonna love this...."
