Author's Note

I'm splitting this Chapter into multiple parts because I've got a lot of writing to do if it was in one part. This is so it doesn't take you a month to get a new chapter.

Also if you have any idea for parts like this pm me so noone else knows, I would like to add peoples parts in to make it more entertaining then suddenly skipping a week. So if you have an idea just pm me it and I'll write it in a soon as I can if I like it.

A Reasonably NORMAL Life: I

When I woke up the sun was already blazing through the curtains that I had hung up. "Jeez, you need to calm the fuck down with your brightness." I said to no-one in paticular. I kicked the quilt off of me and looked around. I had been bunking on a couch for the past couple of days so my back was aching from it.

No-one was downstairs and the house was clean. I looked outside and everybody was already out. "What to do today?" I sighed to myself, I was fully expecting one of my schizophrenic friends to answer but nothing. "You guys are boring, you didn't even let me go in there last night." I complained; my speciality. "Is this because the apoligy went bust?" Now I was getting desperate.

'Yes if you have to ask it is. We're not meant to talk to you until she forgives you.' Dexter was the one who replied. Thank you for still loving me Dexter. 'The bitch made that rule, didn't she?' I asked fully aware of the answer already. 'Yeah, but I wouldn't say that if I were you.' Dexter warned.

If there was such a thing as overconfidence I would be that thing. 'Pl-eeese! I say what I want and I do what I want when I want.' I was the abomination of sloth and greed at the same time. 'No really. There something you should-'

During this I sniffed my clothes and almost spilled my guts. "Oh god, it smells like death in here." I was now running to the bathroom to hopefully clense myself with some holy water.

'Lust you deal with him for a while.' Dexter switched out, how handy is that?

I started the strip down for the longest shower of my life, I would savour this and it would help me rid myself of bodily fluids I didn't want. 'Are you going to do the doo in the shower?' Lust stupidly asked, I swear to the god of the blondes.

"The doo?" I asked as I was pulling my right sock off. The persistant little bastard wouldn't let go though.

'The doo is the thing you do on your own or with someone you like.'

I was hopping around to pull a sock off when she asked this and if I wasn't I would have threw myself out of the window then. "Just shut up!" I wasn't getting into this conversation right now. Now was the time for my precious bathing ceremony.

Lust seemed to have listened to me, she was being quiet. I finally got my socks off and I took the other one without struggle. "There goes all the look for my day." I knew that was more ominous than it should of been but I couldn't care less. I was about to baptise myself in this water. I took off my underwear and hopped into the shower.

About an hour later I dragged my pruned body self out of the shower, I needed to do something even the best shower I've ever had drilled bordem into my skill. I dried myself off and put a normal set of clothes on and got ready to go out. I walked towards the door before I had remembered that I had left the quilt on the couch.

Once I had put the quilt away I began my stroll around town. I would meet the locals and make new friends in this world. There wasn't many people I could trust though because I don't get the mind of a talking horse, phycology doesn't teach you quite that much.

If I was correct then I had about 15 gold bits left in my pouch, that I think would come to about £1/ $2 per bit, but this place seems better at currency than my world so it could be able to get more then expected. 'Uh, why the fuck does money have to be so complicated, I mean it's complicated freaking everywhere.' I thought quite agressively.

I didn't seem to be getting any shit off the civilians, in fact they were smiling as they went past. It did make me feel better I guess, it didn't feel as if they was treating me any weirder then someone that just moved into town when I was infact a monster that had been thrown into a river outside of town and did some shit to get here.

My useless rambling got me nowhere, well it did get me over to the library but it got me nowhere towards the mindset I could've had. "Dex, you there?" I whispered as if to a hidden microphone.

He seemed to ignore the original call out. I had to call out three more times before I got an answer. 'We're not meant to be talking to you! What do you want?'

I guessed I was looking like a weirdow right now just standing there with my hand over my left ear like a spy, so I decided to move a little bit slowing my pace so I could ask. 'What book types do you think they will have in here? I mean the ones I will be interested in.' I thought now approaching the open door.

There was a couple of ponies inside there that were looking for books, if I needed any help I would ask them. 'I dunno why?'

'If you find any good ones just shout out.' I thought to him now stepping through the door, I was the shadiest yet the most childlike person there. There was 6 ponies in the library right now. 3 of them looked smaller and younger then the others. One was a unicorn with white fur and two different colours in her mane. One was a pegasus with chicken wings orange fur and a purple mane. And the last was a butter coloured pony with red hair. They other 3 were probably just redshirts.

I decided I would look for a book about Phycology. 'So 'p' I should start of that row.' If it would've been that easy I would be a better man. I looked around for the P row but was unable to locate it, I still had approxamately no attention from the silent room I was in.

The rows were catagorised in themes then they were colour coded. I got the themes bit, but colour coded. man what the hell. It made it harder to find anything, it should be catergorised differently. However I wasn't here to complain about the bad standards of the library, I was here to look up some stuff. I was mainly going to look up phycology and the history here, but I had a few things I wanted to find out about the Elements of Chaos; I wanted to know what they did.

I was about to go over to a pony that was next to me. I would ask where the Phycology section was, but I was interupted. "Wow, look at that!" The voice sounded completely astounded by something. I almost had the nerve to say 'Social Comment.' But didn't. I had an idea of what was happening and hoping it wouldn't.

A female redneck voice was the next to comment. "D'yall think it's as tall as Princess Celestia?" Now that seeled it. It was what I thought, I need to get out of here before any more smartass remarks come my way. "Excuse me. Excuse me." They were talking to me, I had no choice but to either be rude or turn around. I had a bad feeling either way but I decided I would get a small chat over with.

I turned to the kids that were stood behind me. It was the 3 one that stuck out the most. I didn't bother to make myself a reasonable size infront of them. The orange pegasus seemed a bit intimidated by what I looked like, but it was not to be any other way. I understood that it would be like that always, I just hope they don't meet the fucking cowboy from my Elements.

"Howdy..." The redneck one was starting to inspect me for signs of gender but she couldn't find any like the ones she noticed. She gave up and just carried on. "I'm Applebloom." She greeted happily.

The unicorn decided to chirp in aswell. "I'm Sweetie Belle." She seemed more energetic then the other two.

"Come on let's just go." The pegasus whispered to the others, she was obviously distressed. AppleBloom used a leg to bump the pegasus' ribs. "I'm Scootaloo."

With their introduction done I could go back to finding my books. Or so I thought. "What's your name?" Sweetie Belle chirped. Scootaloo looked as if she was itching to get out of here, I wouldn't blame her if she just left.

"It's Cole." No matter how simple I could get that sentence I couldn't get it vague enough. I should try to get out of this conversation, their parents wouldn't want me to be talking to them. I also get the feeling that noone wanted to deal with them since all the redshirts had left the library as fast as they could already.

"Coal? What do you do with coal?" Sweetie Belle replied. The comment bewildered me. 'Are we even talking about the same thing?' She must have been talking about coal as in the fuel type.

"No it's different from that. You see mine is spelled differently." I said delving too deep into a conversation then I would've liked.

"C'mon we gotta go. I wanna go see Dash practice." Scootaloo was complaining again.

"Alright, alright calm down we're going." Sweetie Belle said now walking away.

"We'll see ya again ah' guess." AppleBloom said before leaving. I watched them go, they seemed to be quite different for the other ponies. They liked to get involved a lot. That would be annoying if they gathered too much of an interest for humans.

"It's hard to guess they only met the other day." A voice said from next to me that obviously didn't make me turn my boxers brown.

"When did you get there?" My question went unanswered, Twilight just stared at the ponies in the distance.

"They only met at the festival the other day." She carried on ignoring the questions thrown at her. Oh for fuck sake answer the bleeding question.

I sighed and walked around for a bit, I needed some books to see what I can learn about this place. I found the biology section and looked around. I opened some of the books as I went by.

The first book I opened was called: 1000 facts about your body!
I flipped onto the first page it had a plain looking pony with a brown mane and brown fur. I looked at the title:

Earth Pony

Oh the names were cliche as hell. I started to read the first paragraph. Although Earth Ponies don't have wings or a horn they still contain magic. This magic speeds up and strengthens the body. Earth ponies tend to be stronger swimmers and can carry a lot more mass than unicorns and pegasi. Okay so Earth Ponies are tanks.

I didn't bother to read the other pages, I put the book back and left it for later if I felt like it. I looked at the next book. A mare in heat.
NEXT! I didn't even bother touching that book,I just skipped onto the next one. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a book called 50 shades of neigh. And then a sequel 50 shades of hay. And then a spin off that's about the jockey that rides them.

I couldn't help but chuckle. I know I'm fucked up but I don't care. I went back to looking for a book that would tell me something about this world. But no half of these books were about fucking spells and shit. I don't care, I don't have a fucking affinity for magic. I went to the end of the book case before I realised that I had someone staring at me.

Twilight was sat on her haunches staring, it was creepy as hell. The smile on her face was as if she was trying to read my mind. I could tell she was trying to inspect how I work, physically and mentally. "Uh Twilight you okay?" I asked trying to stop her from burning holes into my body.

She then realised she had been staring at me and she looked back at the book she had been reading. "Yes am I, I am perfectly fine." And that's what someone says when they are not fine, I just hope she doesn't start trying to disect me to know how humans work.

I went back to looking for the book on the last metre of book case. "I have a question." Twilight stated. Oh here it is. "Do you kind lay eggs?" Oh this is going to get all kinds of awkward.

"My kind are called human and they're mamals." I replied vaguely. Please know what a mamal was so I don't have to explain what happens that would make me just die form embarrassment.

"Oh right, so the female and the male have to-" Twilight cut herself off before saying anything else. I didn't look back to see what her reaction was but I could guess. "I am failing to see how this works, how would a male and female do that?" She seemed to be asking herself but at the same time out loud so I could answer if I wanted.

I didn't under stand what she meant, if her kind do the same thing it would be easy to peice together. "What are you failing to understand?" My curiosity was getting the better of me.

"I am failing to see how, I mean you have no-"

I got exactly where she was coming from. "We wear these clothes for warmth purposes, our bits are in the outside and since we don't have fur we wear these." I gestured to my clothes.

Twilight seemed to be getting into the conversation too much. "You mean it doesn't retract?" The shining in her eyes was now getting uncomfortable.

"No it doesn't." I answered. I pledge to myself I will only go as far as to answer questions. Twilight ran off for a minute and grabbed something with a loud racket. Is she bringing an elephant from the back. When she came back she was giddy with anticipation. She pulled out a scroll and picked up a quill with all I could call the demons gift, telekensis.

She began to write on the scroll, I decided it would be a good time to give her some space so I went back to looking for books. When I turned around I realised that I had finished the book case. I looked around and found that there was another room with more books in it. I read the sign on the door. 'Adults only.' I would never be going into there, like ever.

"Spike!" Twilight shouted at the top of her lungs. If I had not walked back to the book case my ears probably would have been destoryed from when I was standing near to her.

My ears were ringing when I heard little foot steps coming down the steps. I turned around and saw something I always wanted to see. "It's Barney!" I shouted with joy but my comment way ignored. The little purple dinosuar ran to the bottom of the steps.

"What is it Twilight?" The dinosaur replied in a goofy preteen voice. He was purple and green all over as if he just rolled down the steps or spent a night as Rihanna.

Twilight rolled up the scroll and passed it over to Spike. " I need you to send this to Princess Celestia." She was hopping about like a little girl on Christmas day. Spike grabbed the scroll and full on just burnt it. 'What the hell she said send it not set it on fire.' I thought as it burnt, it would have been funny to see him to run to the nearest post office.

I started to make up a song in my head. 'I love you, you love me. Let's go set fires like Barney. With lot's of smoke and the 5-0. Arsonistic Dinosaur.' Just as I finished my little song Spike burped and a scroll popped out. 'The actual fuck?' I realised I was still surprised by this world.

Twilight practically ripped open the scroll and began to read it. "Dear my faithful student Twilight." It just got boring. "I have read the information you put into the letter you sent me and I would like to expand on it." Oh fuck no you wont. "I am going to gather the best scientists I can, so will you tell the boy to come up at the earliest convienience?" She seemed to skip out the ending but I was already getting the fuck out of there.

I walked out of the library before anyone noticed me going. 'They are not doing tests on me. I knew it, this is the America of this world.' I thought to myself as I started walking away I wouldn't be sent to no medical lab.

I slightly annoyed myself with all the possiblilties as I went away from the library. I only went in there for a damn book and went out with nothing but more to worry about. 'I'm gonna get grey hairs soon.' I though to myself.

Before I knew it I found myself back in town. I had no clue what to do next I looked around and decided that I would relax a bit. I only brought out a fraction of the money I had but I would still be able to get something. I looked around and saw a filly walking along with a staff puppy and the fillies parents walking behind it.

At that moment I knew exactly what I was going to do next. I ran to where I was staying and opened the door, there was still noone inside. I went over to the place I put my stuff which was beside the couch. I grabbed my bag and pulled out the rest of the bits and shoved them into my pocket. I knew what I was gonna do. As I ran back outside I shut the door, a massive smile was on my face I walked into the middle of the town and looked around. There wasn't one pet shop around.

I walked up to a family with a dog as nicely as I could. "Hello, do you know where I can get an pet from?" I asked politely. The man froze for a second before his dog approached me, it was a Jack Russell. I held out my hand and crouched down. I began to stroak the dog which it seemed to enjoy.

The colt calmed down and smiled. "Oh I got mine from a friend but he said there is a place on the out skirts of town where you can get some animals." He replied.

I stood up and smiled back. "Thank you sir." I was about to walk away but then I realised that I hadn't asked for directions. When I turned around he was still looking at me. He pointed me to place and I was off. I was going to get a dog, probably.