Its a Wonderful Pony Life

by Traumkampfer

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Princess Celestia, Dark, Zecora, Princess Luna, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1895

Rarity is once again suicidal, this time on Christmas Eve. Deciding to end it all, she attemps to jump off the local bridge, which begins a journey quite unexpected.

A pseudo-sequel to my story "The Price of Perfection", staring the hyper-prideful and suicidal Rarity. Rarity has always felt depressed around Christmas time, and today was no exception. Attempting suicide again, she jumps off the local bridge, and begins her journey through the afterlife.

Published 2014-12-25 18:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-25 18:50:03 UTC

Rarity's Inferno

Author's Note

This story is entirely meant as a joke, please dont take it too seriously or expect Rarity to act as she does in the show. This is my own personal Rarity that I use in my fanfics.

Rarity's Inferno

“I simply cannot believe it, even to this day, “ said the forlorn marshmallow-colored unicorn as she trotted across town, her head hung low.

“Even after all that has happened, my friends have not even tried to improve themselves; I am still simply too good of a pony to be stuck in this town. One would think that becoming a princess might have made Twilight more refined, but alas, she is still just like the others,” she said to herself, recounting her five friends, who had remained their old, silly and uncouth selves in spite of her attempted suicide long ago. She had always known that she was better than everypony else, and it made her deeply depressed from time to time. But no time of the year did this hit her harder, than in winter, around Hearth's Warming Eve.

The mare had managed to reach the far side of town finally, her warm purple sweater helping her stay warm despite the snow. She finally had her destination in sight: The old Ponyville bridge.

“Ah, here we are. Oh my, this bridge is higher up than I recalled….and that water must be rather cold this time of year. But, that is the very reason I came here.”

She stood on the bridge, looking down while pondering.

“I sure hope Spike can take care of Swaggy Bob….or whatever my sisters name was. I can never recall the little brat's name. No matter, its none of my concern now.”

As she slowly stepped off the bridge and began to fall, a bright aura of light appeared and Celestia descended down, wearing a white robe with a halo.

“Rarity, stop, there is something I!-“

The guardian princess looked down as she saw Rarity fall into the freezing river to her death.

“Luna damnit! I’m always late to these things…… this outfit takes forever to put on!”

Level 0

Rarity awoke, laying on a dried river-bed in a strange place. In front of her stood nothing but a cheaply-made lemonade stand labeled “Purgatory”, with Cadence behind it, wearing a pink apron with a giant foam pretzel hat.

“Welcome to the Purgatory/Pretzelarium, miss! My name is Cadence, and I will be shepherding you along your way to the afterlife. Admission is free, but the pretzels are two bits!” she said with a bright, cheerful smile.

Rarity groaned and rubbed her head, wondering if she was telling the truth. Was she really dead? And why would Cadence of all ponies be in charge of this strange place?

“Uhm…no thank you, I’m not particularly peckish right now. But, Purgatory, you say?” she said, walking up to Cadence.

“Why yes in deed-y! This is where you stay until we can decide where to send you. But first, we need your name, please.”

“Oh, but of course. My name is Rarity…..erm…I don’t have a last name, just Rarity is all.”

Cadence pulled a giant, old book from under her stand, and began flipping through the pages, looking for Rarity's name.

“Ah, I see your name right here! Wait….it says you’re a unicorn?” she said, tilting her head.

“Well, yes, I do have this horn, see?” Rarity replied, wondering how Cadence couldn’t have noticed.

“Well that makes my job easier! You’re a witch-pony, so straight to hell!” Cadence said, pulling a huge cartoonish lever that Rarity has just now noticed. The floor opened beneath her, and she plummeted yet again, this time into a place much warmer than the river.

Level 1

Rarity hit the floor hard, and she slowly sat up, looking around and seeing nothing other than what looked like her old friend Zecora, wearing a black cloak and holding a giant pair of tongs.

“Oh, great! It's the damned Zebra!” she muttered to herself, having always been secretly racist against zebras.

“Rarity my friend, it seems you met an unfortunate end!” Zecora began, her rhyming already getting on Raritys nerves.

“Yes, yes, and it seems I’m in pony hell now. Its funny meeting you here though, what happened to you?”

“Another racist joke, that may be. But just one moment, and you will see!” Zecora said, pulling yet another cartoonishly large lever and making a giant, boiling cauldron of water appear from nowhere. She then grabbed her tongs, and stepped towards Rarity

“Zecora, what are you doing? I mean, I knew you wanted to cook us to begin with, but couldn’t you have done it when we were alive, so I could have told Twilight ‘I told you so.’”?

“Yet more arrogant jokes, you do tell. But welcome to level one: the pot of hell!” she said, picking up Rarity with the giant tongs, and dropping her into the pot of boiling hot water, making her scream in pain.

“Ahhhh! You psychotic, third world bitch! Do you know who I am? I am Rarity, and I will have your head for this!” she cried out, desperately trying to escape, as Zecora put a lid on the pot.

“In hell you cannot die again, all you will feel is endless pain!” she said, cackling evilly and rubbing her hooves together while Rarity's screams suddenly went silent.

“What is this that I hear? No cries of pain, nor a sneer?” said our Zebra friend, walking back to the pot and taking the lid off, seeing Rarity relaxing inside now.

“Your torment and lamentation should be mine , must I raise the heat to nine?”

“Oh, no Zecora, you don’t have to….it’s just, you said I can’t die while in hell, so doesn’t this mean that this pot is just a mildly uncomfortable bath?” said the marshmallow-colored mare, soaking calmly in the boiling water.

Curious, Zecora reached her hoof into the water, screaming in pain at how hot it was.

“Rarity you little twat! This water is scalding hot!” she said, shaking her hoof side to side to try and stop the pain.

“Oh, just put the lid back on me, darling. I’m beginning to enjoy this little soak in your delightful bath.” Rarity waved a hoof at her tormentor, as she closed her eyes and relaxed in the cauldron.

Glaring in anger, Zecora stomped her hoof, and Rarity fell through the floor, deeper into hell.

Level 7

Falling from the sky and into a chariot, surrounded on all sides by solid steel bars, Rarity now found herself trapped, and feeling even warmer before. She stuck her hoof out, and finally noticed it was on fire.

“Sweet Celestia’s flank, I’m on fire!!” she cried out at the top of her lungs, as she heard sinister laughing coming from the front of the chariot.

“Good, it sure does make me happy to hear them cries of pain!” said a pony who was chained to the front.

“Applejack, is that you?!” she said, glaring at her southern tormentor.

“Darn tootin’, sugarcube. The name's Applejack and I’ll be dragging ya around hell today! Hope ya enjoy being on fire!” she said, beginning to trot happily, pulling Rarity in her chariot of fire around for others to see.

“Wait….so what is my punishment again? I’m being dragged around while on fire, right?” Rarity asked, sitting on her flank.

“Well….yeah, par’ner? Its positively unbearable, aint it?” she said, laughing evilly and expecting her captive to continue crying in pain.

“Honestly it’s just a little warm is all. Zecora told me I can’t die in here, and my mane seems to be fine despite being on fire, so I guess it’s just moderately uncomfortable.”

Rarity laid back, watching the hellish countryside pass by as Applejack pulled her around.

“Well hold on right there! Your supposed to be screaming and hollerin’ and begging for mercy! Aint yall suffering even a bit?” Applejack stopped, glaring back at Rarity.

“No no, I am suffering, I really am. I mean, I can see you put a lot of effort into this….thing here.” she said, grasping one of the metal bars.“I mean, it must have taken ages and a lot of bits to build a burning chariot and all.”

“That don’t sound like suffering to me!”

“No, I am suffering, I…I promise, I’m positively uncomfortable as can be, darling!” Rarity put the back of her hoof against her forehead “Ohhhh woe is me, I’m positively lamenting for my sins!”

“That’s it, lets see how you like it when I send you to mah boss!” Applejack said, pushing a button and Rarity falling through the bottom of the chariot, through another giant pit, and landing on a fluffy couch outside of what appeared to be a therapist's office.

“Oh great, even more falling….where in the blazes am I now?”

A loudspeaker sounded off.

“Rarity….uhm…No-Last-Name, please report to the office, the boss will see you now”

Confused, she turned her head, and saw the door to the office slowly creak open. She stood up, and trotted in, seeing Princess Luna dressed as The Warden from Superjail while sitting behind a fine oak desk.

“Well hello Rarity, we welcome ye to our fair office. Please, be seated.”

And with that, a nice, comfy red chair appeared in front of Luna's desk

“Why thank you miss Luna.”

Rarity politely sat down in the chair, and Luna propped her legs up on the desk, her hooves behind her head.

“Now, word is around Hell, that you're being very rude to my subjects. They work day and night to ensure you have a positively miserable experience, and this is how you show your gratitude?”

“Well, I’m quite sorry Princess, I’ve been trying to not hurt their feelings, but….I’m just not really feeling the whole ‘suffering’ thing down here. Its kind of hard to be afraid if I cant die, after all.”

Luna sat up and rubbed her chin.

“So, your saying that your not suffering even a tiny bit down here?”

Rarity shook her head softly.

“I’m sorry princess, but no. No offense.”

Sighing, Luna lowered her head, then a giant light-bulb appeared above her head.

“We have an idea! You cannot properly suffer because you don’t know how bad this place is! You must see Heaven, then you will understand how terrible Hell is!”

Luna smirked and got out a pen and a piece of paper, writing a note quickly and handing it to Rarity. Before she could respond, she was teleported to a strange, white land composed of fluffy clouds.

“Oh, well this is unexpected. Who might you be?”

Rarity turned around as she heard a voice, and saw Celestia again, dressed in her white robe with a halo.

“Oh, well, Celestia.... I didn’t expect to see you again.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow, and noticed the note Rarity was holding.

“Whats this? A note from my sister?”

She reached down and took it, reading the letter.

“Dearest Sister, Rarity No-Last-Name is henceforth banned from Hell, until she can appreciate how truly horrific it is.”

Celestia sighed, and balled up the note, throwing it away.

“Well Rarity, I guess you win. Have a nice afterlife.”

The Sun Princess disappeared with a poof, and Rarity grinned, managing to get her way, even in the afterlife.