Rock, Paper, Scissors.

by Melancholy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Shining Armor, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1108

Ever wonder how the royal guard settle their problems? Why a simple game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

When there's a problem with the royal sisters, somepony usually has to explain it to The Captain of the guard, Shining Armour.
How in Equestria do they decide which pony gets to take on this unenviable duty?
It's an ancient art, passed down from the senior ranks, taking years to master. Something no normal pony could ever hope to match and only the extraordinary ponies of the royal guard could possibly hope to pull off with rigour and discipline.

Why they play Rock Paper Scissors of course.

Inspired by a moment from my other story, Collars and Cuffs Tailoring.
Follow on story Pung!

Published 2012-05-01 00:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-01 00:44:01 UTC

The Ancient Art

The dinner chamber was a mess. Oranges were all over the ceiling, banana peels on the floor and somehow a mango had become lodged up the nose of a statue of Star Swirl the Bearded.
Only four ponies were in the room, and none of them had a single hoof to do with the mess. The culprits had long since escaped out a window to continue their fight in the skies over Canterlot, pelting watermelon seeds like machine gun fire and popping pineapple mortars.

There was a clear divide in the two halves of room. On one side, two knights in shining armour, Solar Guards of the Sun Princess. Staring them down from the other side, dark stallions of the Night Watch, servants of the Moon Princess in their dark regalia.

It was a tense moment, with gazes locked between all the parties. At the last moment, one of the Night Watch made a gesture with his eyes toward the pony next to him, and the Guards opposite acknowledged with just the barest hint of a nod.

It was over in a flash. It only took one round, three papers to one rock and the poor Night Watch pony was heading off to break the news to the guard captain. Shining Armour insisted on knowing whenever an incident involving the princesses took place. It made sense, since he was responsible for their safety, as well as the safety of Canterlot, which the two royal ponies had been known to jeopardize on occasion with their spats.
So many had been happening of late however that he had started to become frustrated, often taking it out on whichever poor pony broke the news to him. It must be exasperating in the extreme to try and keep those two in line, even if being part of the family gave him more leeway than most.

Once the poor Night Watch pony was gone, the remaining three relaxed with a clatter of armour and a collective release of bated breath.
“Oh wow Cloud Storm, thanks for letting us know,” One of the Solar Guard was giving a bro hoof to his night time counterpart. “So, he’s the new guy?”

“Oh yea, only came onto the job yesterday.” They all had a chuckle at that, remembering their own first few days. Clearly this new guy hadn’t yet mastered the ancient guards pony art of Rock, Paper, Scissors. With only one day on the job it would be obvious what he would choose, rock, making it easy to send to the poor newbie to face a miffed Shining Armour.

It took years to come to grips with the moves, basically allowing the older and more experienced guards ponies who had mastered the arts of paper and scissors to get whatever they wanted, be it getting out of telling the Captain that both sisters just had another food fight to getting the cushy positions guarding the princesses personal chambers. It was rumoured that the Captain himself could form scissors with one hoof. It was little wonder he made captain so young if that was the case.

Cloud Storm remembered the long nights with his corporal years ago. It had taken many favours to get the old mare to pass on even the most rudimentary techniques, like the three hoofed paper and the stand on head scissors. He’d had to polish her horse shoes and take the post in front of the public parts of the castle, where foals climbed all over you and tourists tried to make you laugh.

It had all been worth it though, he’d mastered the split mane paper and the five hoofed rock. He’d even put in over time and gotten in the stand on head scissors, although that one wasn’t much use when standing to attention on the practice field.
With those skills Cloud had managed to avoid giving bad news to the Captain for over three months, and taken three double shifts outside Princess Luna’s quarters, in day time. Guarding a sleeping Princess was the best part of a being a guards pony in his opinion. Well, that and doughnut night.

It was doughnut night that night in fact, and Cloud Storm was looking forward to it. Once a month Doughnut Joe delivered to the barracks and both Solar Guard and Night Watch mingled at the turn of the day to enjoy the delicious confection.

It was also an opportunity for the senior ponies to let their manes down and muck in with the rank and file.

In fact, that was Captain Shining Armour in line behind him now. He was about to turn and say hello when the two of them noticed a problem. There was only one honey glaze left, the most delicious golden gooey treat in the room, and they both clearly wanted it.

“Sooooo,” Shining Armour was giving him a challenging look. “You want the honey glaze too huh?”
“‘Fraid so Cap’n.” Cloud replied, returning the look, “I think we both know what this means.”
Shining Armour grinned, “Seems so. Shall we then?”
Cloud blinked, the Captain was too confident. “Well, you are captain of the guard, surely it wouldn’t be a fair fight.”
The Captain grinned even wider, “Sure, why don’t I have three hooves tied up. Would that be more fair?”
Well, if he was offering, “I can go for that.”

Three hooves tied? This would be too easy. That meant he had only one option, unless he tried the balancing on horn paper, but he’d need pretty good balance to pull that one off with only one free hoof so that was almost out of the question. That left rock, and from there it was a no brainer.

Another Solar Guard, Squall Runner, had just finished tying Shining Armour's hooves and the crowd was counting down.

“Three!”
“Two!”
“One!”
“GO!”

Bam! Without a moment's hesitation Cloud Storm played the playmane paper, a relatively advanced manoeuvre, but the quickest and simplest way to beat the rock which the Captain had no option but the play.
He sat there, mane in the air for a moment or two, waiting for the cheers of the crowd, but instead got only stunned silence. Everypony was looking, mouths agape at the scene.
Cloud looked over, and saw it.

The one hoofed scissors!

Beaten, Cloud Storm sat back on his haunches and cast his eyes to the floor. Shining Armour undid his bindings and took a bite out of his victory doughnut.

“A good play," the white unicorn admitted, "But I’m not a fan of ponies who drop the new guy in it.”