Chapters I paced frustratedly over every inch of carpet in my tree house. It was literally a tree house, not a makeshift cabin in the treetops but a big oak tree made into a small, crappy house. Spig, my pet dragon. waddled up to me and patted my shoulder in attempt to get my attention.
"What is it?"
"Mistress, what vexes you?"
"Well, I-- Wait, did you just use the word 'vex'? Good boy, Spiggy Wiggy!"
"I looked through the big word book again."
"Good little dragon, you get a cookie! But yeah, I'm just a little frustrated."
"Why?"
"I have a plan, but I don't know what to do with it. I can't finish it however hard I try."
"Can I help, Mistress Twilit?"
"Okay, but you can't tell ANYONE, okay?"
"Okay, Mistress."
"I'm going to take down the Princesses, Kelestia and Luny!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm sick of them. I want to be pony princess now, and rule Equestria with a just hoof!"
"Can I be prince?"
"No. Remember, Spig. That's bestiality."
"Oh, ok."
"You can be the royal mascot. Spig the magic dragon of Equestria! Cute, but brave."
"Yay!"
"Yay! Indeed, Spig. Luny and Kelestia are going DOWN!"
"DOWN! DOWN! YAY!" Spig shouted enthusiastically, clapping his hands. I smiled at his gleeful face, filled with ignorant joy. I embraced him in a friendly hug and ordered him to get some drinks. I planned on letting my friends in on the plan, but first I needed to do some…convincing. Convincing meaning poisoning.
***
"Ooooh, Twiiiiliiiit!" Sang the familiar voice of Vanity from my front door. I opened it to see Vanity, the purple pony with white hair at the front, Stutterfly behind Vanity, Apple Hack and Rainbow Basher bickering behind her and Evil McNastypants at the very back of the group, patiently waiting to come in.
"Hey guys, come in! Spig's made you some apple cider." I encouraged, stepping back for them to enter. Vanity strutted in, her perfectly curled mane bouncing around her head. Stutterfly, Apple Jack and Rainbow Basher entered and Evil McNastypants came in last. They all made themselves welcome and took a seat each around the living room. I went into the kitchen, where Spig was just fixing up the last few apple ciders for the group.
"Shhh, Spig. Don't tell them our plan yet, ok? Otherwise no cookie!" I warned him, shooing him out of the kitchen. He kept his lip zipped, fortunately. I turned back to the apple ciders and, following the instructions of a manual on dark magic, I ~~spigged~~ spiked every glass with an "Encouragement" spell. Then I levitated the tray and took it out to my friends.
"Here you go, guys!" I chirped, giving each friend a drink.
"Aren't you gonna have one?" asked Rainbow Basher, raising an eyebrow.
"Nah, not thirsty." I replied casually, sitting back on the sofa. Vanity chatted away animatedly as the the others sipped away at their drinks.
"Then I decided that black is sexy, but not slutty. Brilliant, but not showy. You know?" Vanity jabbered, taking a big gulp of cider. Within minutes, everybody's eyes had turned pink except Vanity's, and it wasn't the alchohol. Vanity was too busy talking to notice.
"Blimey, she was a right tosser her! Ha! Ah, well. Guess not everybody can be as refined as one's self. Hmm?" Vanity took another big gulp and sat back again, twirling her mane. Slowly but surely, her eyes turned pink too. I smiled, stood up and announced
"Alright, everybody. Now that Vanity's done, I have something to tell you. I'm going to take down the princesses before midnight tonight, and you're all going to help me."
Chapter 2: Infiltrating and Infecting
It was only ten minutes later and we were officially in Canterlot. I had teleported the lot of us here and we just managed to make it. Oh, but Vanity was missing her tail.
"YOU LITTLE-" she began, realising what happened. The convincing potion only makes people agree to do whatever you want them to, not necessarily be very nice about it.
"Calm down, please, Vanity. I didn't mean to maim anypony." I said reassuringly. Although normally Vanity would have smashed a brick if this had happened in any other situation, she calmly quietened and was silent after that.
"So, uh, what do we do now?" Rainbow Basher said, raising an eyebrow. " You said we're going to take down the princesses, but just how?"
"Leave that part up to me. I just need you guys to help me sneak in." I explained.
"Why don't you just teleport in?" Spig asked.
"Plot convenience." I explained, this time more exasperatedly.
"Hehe, Plot." Rainbow said, smirking. I gave her a withering look and gestured for them to follow me. It was late at night, but not quite midnight, and the only sort of security was a couple of guards here and there. I teleported us all past the guards, and remembered Spig's comment on teleporting straight into the princesses' room. At first I didn't really register what he said, but now I realised how incredibly easy it would be just to teleport in instead of risking capture by sneaking around like a filthy Earth Pony.
"Twilit, I feel funny." Vanity said, holding a hoof to her head.
"S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-so do I!" Stutterfly mumbled annoyingly.
"Same here, y'all. Maybe it's all the luggage I'm carrying. Gosh Darn it Rainbow, why'd you have to bring this massive suitcase with ya? Was there really any need?" Apple Hack groaned.
"I'm going to a gay pride rally tonight, that's all the stuff I'll need." Rainbow explained.
"I thought you were mega homophobic?" I asked.
"Yeah, it's mostly torches and shotguns in there. I planned to burn them sinners out."
"I still feel weird." Apple Hack said, ignoring Rainbow. "And I took her dumb suitcase off."
"Ooh, maybe it's the cider." Vanity moaned. Evil McNasty clutched her stomach and nodded in agreement.
"It's alright." I said quickly. "Let's get this over and done with, then I'll teleport you to the clinic."
***
Kelestia and Luny slept on either side of the huge bedroom. Kelestia in a small, dirty camper bed and Luny on a elegant, elaborate four poster bed with large posters detailing something about a "New Loony Republic". I silently ordered Vanity, Evil and Apple Hack to tie Kelestia up and told Rainbow, Spig and Stutterfly to tie up Luny. Soon, we had two captured princesses and absolutely no creepy turtle dragons were included. Except for Spig, I suppose. They woke up abruptly and soon they were struggling, but it was too late. I had memorised the spell. I was ready. Kelestia and Luny were too surprised to react. I began pulling the magic and from their horns, transferring it into mine. They had no chance. Soon, their horns were totally burnt out. but I wasn't done. I performed the next spell, this time one that I made myself. Their wings shrunk and shrunk as my new ones grew and morphed. Soon they were wingless and magicless, and I was a God. I laughed maniacally and turned to go back out and astound the others with my epic wings, but when I left the room I saw them all swaying, seemingly very sick.
"Are...are you guys okay?" I said stupidly, although it was obvious that they weren't.
"I don't feel so..." Vanity began, but suddenly she twitched violently and then she was growling like a rabid dog. Her mouth frothed and she started breathing heavily, bearing her teeth. Apple Jack flinched as well and the same thing happened to her, and then Stutterfly, and then Evil McNasty.
"Uuum, guys?" I started, but then they all lunged towards Rainbow, who hadn't been affected yet. I ran away quickly, not daring to look back. I remember seeing this sort of thing in a magic spells book once. Zambies. I heard a cry of mirth from them and I knew that Rainbow Basher had been bitten by one.
Zambies are bloodthirsty, brainless, brain-hungry creatures that are made from normal ponies. When another pony is bitten by a Zambie, they become one too. Zambies are dead, because as soon as they turn into their moaning selves, their systems shut down but the drug or bite that turned them keeps them moving with the one thing on their minds; Braiiiiins.
Chapter 3: Playing Princess
I quickly found my way out and tried my best to raise the sun. If I had learnt anything from Manecraft, it's that Zambies burn in the sun. Well, and that video games have a surprising amount of their content based on truth. I kind of guessed how to raise the sun. It's basically a glorified levitation spell. So, to the best of my ability, I attempted to raise the sun. I was successful, thank Me. However, I was shocked to find the still frothing Vanity run out to the balcony were I was and NOT burst into flames. She tried to attack me, but I shot a blast of very powerful magic and she went tumbling over the side. This didn't kill her, but it didn't kill me either so it was okay for the time being. I knew I had to get a hang of my wings so I could fly before the other Zambies caught up with me, so I started flapping. I furiously moved my wings until I got myself almost an entire meter off the ground. I continued flapping them, the rush of whistling madly. I slowly began edging away from the balcony, flapping my wings harder and harder the more I left it. Soon I was careening around Canterlot with my brand spanking new wings, and I started to soar. Suddenly, Stutterfly The Zambie came shooting through the air faster than ever at me, probably with the same intentions as Vanity. I zipped out of the way just in time, but Stutterfly made a sharp turn towards round two. I dodged again, but then I remembered I had magic, and shot her out of the sky with my horn. She fell to the ground, wingbones shattered, but still miraculously up and walking in seconds. They started rampaging around aimlessly and I saw all the ponies of Canterlot leaving their homes in a daze, confused as to why the sun had risen so early. (My plan to burn the Zambies failed. I returned to the balcony hastily and showed off my wings and horn as they all looked towards me.
"Ladies and Gentlecock, I mean, Gentlecolts. I, Twilit Spargle, am your new Queen. I've got the wings and the horn, and Kelestia and Luny have nothing. They will be attacked by Zambies soon, and I will be soul ruler! Well, I practically already am. I am in God form already, see?" I boasted, gently flapping my enormous wings. I remembered that I had forgotten to make my body bigger, and I looked rather weird and disproportionate, so I said
"One second," and ran back to Kelestia and Luny. I did the homemade spell again, and this time I grew twice their size and they both slowly became teenage-sized earth ponies, pretty much the opposite of a Me. I relished their utter uselessness. Well, I suppose that Luny had always been pretty useless anyway, but still.
"Alright, I'm back." I said, returning to the balcony. But when I looked down at my subjects, they were all screaming and running away from a horde of newly created Zambies.
***
These Zambies were clearly products of one of my friends biting an uninfected individual, and getting a bit carried away with it. I had my fun, playing princess, but now I had to get out of there as fast as possible. I went soaring off into the unknown, leaving my subjects to fend for themselves.They can handle okay by themselves. They need to grow a pair anyway. I thought, smirking. I teleported myself swiftly to some random co-ordinates. I ended up in practically the middle of nowhere, in a thick mass of trees with hanging vines.
"Not exactly my idea of a palace, but as long as it keeps me safe from the Zambies." I said to myself, curling up to get some sleep. It was a good way away from Canterlot, so I would be safe from the Zambies for sure. The low hanging vines were all thorny and horrible, and pretty much no place for a pony princess. And so after a while I teleported swiftly out of the jungle and into...more jungle. I teleported again. More jungle. I teleported again. More jung--
"Rainbow Basher?" I exclaimed immediately after crashing into her. It was the very brink of the jungle we were in. I could actually see Canterlot from here.
"Eyup!" she said groggily, holding her head with one hoof and using the other to balance herself.
"Don't say that word ever again," I said disdainfully. "If you overuse it it get's REALLY annoying. Trust me."
"Well excuuuuuse me, Princess!" Rainbow said. I chuckled a bit, then asked
"Um, how did you escape the Zambies?"
"The what?" she asked stupidly, teetering a bit.
"The Zambies. You know. Those things that our friends became?"
"Oh, those. Look Twilit, I'm a very capable gal. I'm not some queero who can't fly two inches off the goddamn ground." Rainbow explained, smirking arrogantly. "Unlike that little gaywad Stutterfly." I grimaced at her derogatory language, but I'd already learned enough about Rainbow Basher that you just do not launch into a religious debate with her.
"So, partners?" I asked, holding out my hoof.
"No way! I'm not your partner!"
"I meant partners as in companions, compadres, buddies, friends, you know?"
"Oh. Well then, sure!" Rainbow said, spitting into her hoof and slapping it against mine. Grossed out, I discreetly wiped the saliva-covered hoof on the ground and smiled. Rainbow began talking nonsensically in her southern slang, banging on about how her plans to ruin the gay pride rally were totally ruined, but all I could think of was how happy I was to have a partner in the apocalypse that was nigh. She may not have exactly fulfil all the positions on my Zambie apocalypse team, but she was brawn and I was brains, and that was perfect for me.
Chapter 4: An Extraordinarily Badass Moment
Rainbow Basher, although comically obese and rather apathetic when it came to physical activity, was an exceptional flyer. She rarely used her magnificent ability, but when she did, by Me did she use it. Her wings would be a blur and a streak of rainbow shot out from behind her. She could fly so fast that one time she went into a coma from smacking into a building at the speed of sound. It was a miracle she didn't die.
Now here she was, fit as a fiddle, trotting contently by my side, wings tucked up and ready to be opened at command. The sky was turning an interesting shade of indigo and it looked as if it was going to be time to pack up for the night soon, when we suddenly heard a gurgling noise.
Rainbow opened her wings immediately, as did I. I readied myself to shoot magic at full force if needed, and we were just in time because, at that moment, an enraged Zambie came galloping t'wards us. Rainbow flipped around so her hind legs were facing the Zambie, presumably so she could buck it. There was no need, however, because a spark of purple shot forth from my horn and struck the Zambie damn perfect in the chest. I stood upright again triumphantly, opening my majestic wings for effect, but then a thousand more gurgles came from every direction, and it was evident that I was nowhere near done. As if on cue, Rainbow shot upwards quickly, hovering above me and the Zambies. For a second or two I waited, not quite sure what to do. Suddenly, I realised Rainbow's idea. I opened my wings again and flew up next to her. The Zambies ambled around aimlessly in the spot I had been, looking up wistfully. Suddenly about five pegasus Zambies appeared from nowhere and came zooming at us. I shot randomly at each one in turn, but Rainbow Basher was the most successful. She kicked and butted all of the Zambies into mulch and soon not a single one was airborne. She went rocketing off by herself, presumably to get as far away from the Zambies as physically possible. I followed her lead but could not catch up with her for some time, until she came to an abrupt stop and I went crashing into her. After recomposing ourselves, we settled down on the edge of a cliff, which was the highest point we could be bothered to get to. As we set up camp as much as we could with no supplies, I began thinking about a Zambie's ability to fly.
"If they are capable of flying, do you think they're capable of magic too? If they're a unicorn, that is." I thought aloud, gathering some moss from the side of the mountain to use for makeshift beds.
"Maybe. I'm certainly no Zambie scientist so don't expect me to know anything about their abilities." Rainbow replied. "Oh, and I need to just clear somethin' up real quick. This is usually the part in most movies - -the part where the heroes are setting up camp in the wilderness and talking about somethin' stupid -- when the heroes hook up. Let me just say--"
"Rainbow, I have THIS," -- I put my hooves firmly together to indicate nothing -- " much intention of hooking up with you. Like, ever." Rainbow Basher smiled appreciatively and continued to gather odd sticks and twigs from close by. Then there were a few brief moments of silence, but they weren't awkward. Small birds chirping and bigger birds squawking made an excuse for both of us not to talk. Eventually I said
"Rainbow, I almost swear I heard you get bitten back in Canterlot. What exactly happened?" Rainbow shrugged as if it wasn't important, but replied
"I said before, I'm not an idiot. I can get out of sticky situations easily. People think, 'cause of my accent, my weight and my beliefs that I'm some big oaf who don't know anything."
"Who doesn't ," I corrected half-heartedly.
"It DOESN'T matter. Anyway, I flew away blindly and ended up just where you found me -- in the middle of the jungle. Who even knew there WAS a jungle so near to Canterlot?"
"I did." I said, collecting the last of the moss. "It's where Luny first brought around the 'New Loony Republic' idea. She only dismissed it because she didn't want it to be night all the time in Manecraft because of the evil mobs, and she had promised to make eternal night EVERYWHERE, and she didn't want to keep that promise."
"Nice." Rainbow replied boredly, already focusing on lighting the fire. I rolled my eyes and said
"Here, let me try. It's impossible to do anything without magic." Rainbow had been attempting to use her hooves to rub two sticks together, like in the movies, but to no avail. I put the two sticks back on the fire and shot a quick flame spell at the pile of twigs and leaves, setting it alight instantly. I and Rainbow spread out on separate moss beds and basked in the warm glow of the fire. The sky was as black as ink now. Using our wings as duvets, we drifted off to sleep, in the hopes that no Zambies would find us in the night.
*
"Damnit!" I was only half awake, and Rainbow Basher was repeating this same word over and over again. Not in quick succession, but still frequently.
"Wahudun?" I said incoherently, one eyelid heavier than the other making me look slightly ridiculous. I shook myself awake.
"Damnit!" Rainbow said again, stomping around as if looking for something. I cleared my throat and said
"What are you doing?" to which Rainbow replied
"I can't find my damn phone." Rainbow's ApplePhone was one of her prized possessions and she never left home without it. Evidently, she had this time.
"Maybe we should go back up to Cloudsdale to your house and get it, if it's that important." I suggested.
"It ain't in Cloudsdale." Rainbow said, giving up looking. "I must have lost it." I rolled my eyes.
"I'll get you another one."
"No!" Rainbow insisted. "We HAVE to get my one back."
"We are not searching the entire Jungle."
"Well, I haven't been around the entire goddamn jungle, have I? I've barely been in a fifth of it. Plus, I know exactly which fifth I've been in, so it should be easy." I rolled my eyes again, the pupils practically leaving my eyeballs.
"Oh yeah, I'm sure no rampaging Zambies stampeded it while it was lost."
"Agh!" Rainbow spluttered, stamping backwards and forwards. "I just realised! I left it in my saddle pack. It's back in Canterlot."
"So? Let's go find it."
"But...but it's bound to be riddled with Zambies by now! I mean, if they've managed to get here already.."
"Rainbow, look. I'm an alicorn, and you're basically a super enhanced pegasus. We are going to be fine !" I said in a motherly tone. Rainbow sighed, drooping. She seemed in defeat as she walked reluctantly to my side. I extended a large wing and carefully placed it around Basher. I smirked as Rainbow squirmed in half-hearted protest to such an intimate gesture, but I wrapped my articulated wing tips right around Basher and said
"It's alright, Bashie." In a deliberately sickeningly sweet tone. The sort you hear couples converse in on Hearts and Hooves day. Rainbow bit my enormous wing and, once I recoiled (laughing hysterically at Rainbow Basher's reaction) Rainbow flew upwards, reluctantly chuckling along with the joke.
"That was a joke, right?" Rainbow checked. I replied, still smiling devilishly
"Yeah, yeah, don't worry. Okay, let's go ApplePhone hunting!"
