Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?

by Bucking Nonsense

Rating: teen
Tags: King Sombra, Random, Adventure, Discord, Human, Main 6, Tirek, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Changelings
Length: 61908

A human, after a tragic accident, ends up in the body of Lord Tirek. It all goes downhill from there.

After a tragic accident, a human ends up in Lord Tirek's body, as part of an attempt to reform the villain after his recent escapades. While the hero of our tale is trying to make sense of his new surroundings, the rest of Equestria thinks that the most terrible threat that their world has ever seen is back...
And the powers that be are definitely not happy about it.
New Cover Art By Shadow Bolt

Published 2014-12-27 04:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-04 05:56:43 UTC

Seriously, I Have No Idea! My Name's Conrad!

Seriously, I Have No Idea! My Name's Conrad!

Ever seen something that you knew, without a doubt, would end in tears?

Yeah, this whole sorry mess started out with me trying to do one good deed. I mean, I'm not a boy scout or anything, but I do try to do at least one good deed per day, and I try not to be a dick the rest of the time. That's more than most folks try, you have to admit. I'm no angel, but at least I don't go out of my way to be mean to others.

Of course, you know what they say about good deeds...

Wait, you don't know what they say about good deeds? Seriously? Fine, I'll say it: "No good deed goes unpunished." Of course, most good deeds require that you give up something of yours to help another, right?

This last one, the one good deed that brought me here, it cost me a lot more than I thought it would. See, I was just getting off from work, and was walking to the bus stop. There's a busy street that runs between where I used to work (I worked as the assistant manager at a KB Toy Store at the mall. It was just something to pay the bills until I got an answer to one of the two dozen job applications I had put out after graduating college), and in spite of the speed limit being at most thirty-five miles per, some guys would go faster than that. A lot faster. It was a speed trap, of sorts, since it was a two mile stretch, situated between two sixty-five mile per hour zones. Were it not for the stop light, folks likely wouldn't slow down, period. The cops had a field day with that place, most days, but it made for a dangerous crossing. Since some of those fast-moving assholes were driving semi-trucks...

Yeah, if you tried to cross before the light turned red, and without looking both ways first, you could end up as a spectacular stain on the front of a motor vehicle.

So, yeah, I was standing at the corner, waiting for the light to change, so that I could walk across the street in relative safety, when I hear a very distinctive sound. You know the one, right? The sound a child's ball makes when it bounces. Poit, poit, poit, poit. There really should be a law against children playing with balls within fifty feet of a busy street, honestly. I swear, it's like no one ever even heard of Yu Yu Hakusho.

What's Yu Yu Hakusho? Well, it's a show whose story, I'm sad to say, starts a whole lot like mine did...

So, anyhow, there I was, standing on the corner, hearing the one sound that no one should ever hear at a busy intersection. A small child, couldn't be a day older than six, with his mother, walked up beside me. The moment I saw that kid, I wanted to reach down, grab that ball, and stop what I knew was about to happen. I mean, I'm no prophet, but even I could see what was going to happen. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind lets a kid play with a ball on the sidewalk? But if I did take his ball, someone might take things the wrong way, someone might think I'm trying to hurt their child, instead of trying to prevent an accident. The problem with preventing an accident before it happens is that too many people fail to realize that the accident was about to happen in the first place...

So, instead of being a well-intentioned dick and taking the child's ball, I decided to wait until the inevitable happened, and make certain that if and/or when it did, all that would be lost was the kid's ball, instead of the kid's life.

As expected, the ball slipped from the kid's grasp, and bounced into traffic. As expected, and in defiance of all common sense, the kid began running off into traffic, his mother a step too slow to stop him. However, I was ready for it. With an action so smooth, it should have been choreographed, I took one step forward, grabbed the kid by his collar, spun, lifting him as I went, and threw him into his mother's arms. All without having left the safety of the sidewalk. I honestly think it would have looked really, incredibly, insanely cool, had I not slipped at the last second. It seems that someone had spilled a drink or something, and my foot happened to find the one wet patch on the entire corner. I lost my balance, and ended up falling directly into the street, and in the path of a speeding semi-truck going seventy-five miles per hour.

The last thing to go through my mind (Asides from the grill of the semi, I suspect), was that how terrible a waste it was. Maybe I should have been a dick, and just took the kid's ball in the first place. After all, if I had, then nobody would have been hurt. Instead, because I was was trying to do the right thing in the nicest way possible, I was going to pay for it. And not just me: My three younger sisters would mourn my loss, and my parents would be stuck paying my student loans for the rest of their lives. It just wasn't fair...

There was a flash of brilliant white light, and then everything went black.

I wish I could tell you what happened to the kid. I wish I could say that he grew up to be a doctor and saved a thousand lives. I wish I could say that he was bitten by a radioactive insect and became a superhero. I wish I could say that he grew up to be president, and became responsible for leading mankind into a new golden age. I can't, though. What I can tell you is, he damn well better not have ever played with another ball anywhere near another street as long as he lived, and that he made sure his children never did like he did, either...

Before I woke up, I heard a voice, or voices, I think. Maybe it was a dream, or maybe it was a hallucination, but I swear I heard someone, or several someones, speaking.

"You can't do this to me!"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, we can, and we will. You've proven yourself too dangerous to keep contained through normal methods, and even now, after a thousand years of imprisonment to reflect upon your misdeeds, you've shown not even a shred of contrition. Clearly, more severe action needs to be taken. A thousand years bereft of your physical body should be sufficient punishment for now. If, after that time, you've decided to behave yourself, we'll see if you might be reunited with your body. In the meantime, we'll take steps to ensure that it doesn't waste away in your absence..."

"No... NO! STOP!!!"

And then, I felt a strange sensation. It was like... Have you ever put on a sweater that was too big for you? I mean, like when you were a kid and you tried to put on your father's coat or something? It felt like that, only with my own skin... or someone else's. Like I said: Strange.

"Supply him with enough magic that he can defend himself, if someone decides to attack him."

"Done. But, are you certain we should just... drop him off like this? He isn't from this place, and he knows nothing of what this body's owner has done, or of the land of Equestria in general. He could end up in a great deal of trouble..."

"If so, he'll have to get himself out of it: That body is resilient in the extreme, even at its weakest, so unless he does something unforgivably stupid, he should be fine. Besides, we cannot risk Tirek's body remaining in Tartarus while his... essence has been separated from it. Should an accident occur, and his essence escape..."

"Fine, fine. I see your point. But... what will we do with the two of them, in a thousand years?"

"I have some ideas on that. I'll see what can be arranged: It's not exactly an urgent issue, after all. But honestly, do you really think that he'll likely reform, even after a thousand more years of imprisonment?"

"...Yeah, you're probably right."

"Sorry. I know that the two of you were close..."

"Yeah. Yeah, we were. And I still have hope for him. Forever is a long time, and all that. Whether it takes a thousand, ten thousand, or a million years, I will continue to wait. And hope..."

After that, I don't remember much, except a feeling of warmth. At first, I though it might have been the fact that I was in heaven. I mean, sure, being in a blind darkness with nothing but a pleasant warmth may not sound like much to you, but I've always been of the opinion that paradise was something like sleeping in a grassy field on a warm, sunny spring day: Warm, peaceful, content, and safe. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I am, I hope that what is waiting is better than that, rather than worse.

Regardless, I eventually became aware of a weight on my chest. Strangely, it didn't feel that heavy, really. More like a large cat or a medium sized dog had decided to stand on me than anything else. Still, I didn't own a cat or dog at the time, so that struck me as deeply suspicious. My eyes snapped open, and...

Alright, let's be honest here: Nobody, but maybe another changeling of the opposite sex, should wake up with a changeling staring them right in the face. Seriously. That will wake you up faster than getting a bucket of ice water dumped on your head. Or down the front of your pants.

I woke up, scrambling to my feet, screaming... only to stumble, suddenly shocked to discover that instead of the original two, I now had four legs, now arrayed radically differently than before. It took me a little time to take stock, and work out what was going on. From the waist up, it seemed, my body was... similar, but different. I was never the most built person in the world. I mean, I wasn't fat or anything, but I had, at best, a medium build. Now, I had arms with biceps that you could crack walnuts with (I know for a fact that I can. I've done it), and shoulders far wider than before. The skin on my arms was blood red, and the... fur across my chest was pitch black, bizarrely enough, making me look like I was wearing a black muscle shirt. Examination of my face through use of my hands informed me that I had a rather gnarly white beard and a rather bitchin' set of horns. Oh, and it also told me I had a nose ring. Obviously, though, the shape of my face was radically different than before. Meanwhile, below the waist...

I was a horse. A black horse, with a white tail, and rather large hooves. I couldn't make out much more than that, given the lack of a mirror or other reflective surface, but there was one conclusion that I could reach, given the circumstances...

I was obviously now the most metal centaur who had ever lived. I mean, seriously, all I needed was an electric guitar and maybe a hot, scantily-clad blonde clutching one of my legs while something exploded in the background, and I'd be ready for a heavy metal album cover. As it was, my first order of business would need to be working out what in a trillion blue fucks was going on here. I could always pose for album covers later...

How does one regulate four legs with a mindset originally set for two? I don't know how you'd do it, but I envisioned it like this: You control your front legs by walking normally. When you want to move your back legs, you picture moving your legs while your toes are curled. Don't ask me how that works, or why, but it did for me. I think that part of it was because, while my mind was set for two legs, the brain it currently occupied was hardwired for four legs. Biology can sometimes cope when psychology can't.

Anyways, I looked around, but there was no sign of the creature that woke me up earlier. Just... trees. I seemed to be in a small clearing in the middle of a big forest. I couldn't help but wonder what that earlier encounter had been about, though: In the seconds before I lost sight of it, that creature had seemed as frightened of me as I had been of it. Given that, in comparison to me, it was rather small, that did make a certain amount of sense, but if so, how had it worked up the courage to get that close to me in the first place?

I was interrupted from my ruminations by the sound of voices approaching...

One of the voices was loud, and gruff, the kind you'd expect from a grizzled sergeant, who was stating, "Look, we've already seen enough signs that changelings are present in the area, lieutenant. We really should turn back now if we want to return to camp before sunset. We can send a message back for reinforcements, and..."

The voice which cut off the 'sarge' was younger, probably in her early twenties or younger, and was... aristocratic, like one might expect from some kind of period drama. You know, arrogant, haughty, and bitchy as hell. The type born with a silver spoon in her mouth and absolutely certain that anyone born otherwise didn't matter. "...And we'll be told that, without visual confirmation, they won't send more than a pittance to placate us. Sergeant Flint, we will keep going until we see proof."

The voices went silent for a moment, as if this Flint fellow was giving the female speaker a long look. "If we go much further, the only proof we'll see is an enemy ambush after sunset," he stated, gruffly.

I began to become aware of the sound of what sounded like advancing cavalry: Hoofbeats, in large numbers, moving in unison, oddly enough.

The female voice stated, rather haughtily, "Oh please, as if there was anything in these woods that would be a match..." The speaker finally came into view, and her voice trailed off weakly as she finished, saying, "...for a... company of rangers..."

The speaker... was a unicorn. She was fluorescent pink, garbed in golden armor with a matching helmet, and had big blue eyes. Well, I say that they were big, mainly because they were wide open in shock. Obviously, she was as surprised to see me as I was to see her.

A moment later, a... pony stepped into the clearing as well. It was flint gray, and seemed to be a bit older than the one who had just walked in. He seemed... grizzled. Seasoned. And he was just as shocked as the unicorn. However, he was quicker on the uptake, and immediately turned and shouted over his shoulder, "All units, pull back!"

He tried to grab the unicorn and pull her away, but she seemed to come to her senses, then broke free of his grasp, then shouted, "Disregard that order! All units, advance on my position, immediately!"

The hoofsteps that I'd heard became louder as whatever force, likely equine in origin, began to come closer. The sergeant turned towards the unicorn and asked, "Have you lost your mind, Lieutenant Skyflower? That's Lord Tirek! We need to get out of here!"

Who?

This... Skyflower turned towards Flint with a haughty sneer (And let me tell you, it was one hell of a sneer, given that it was easily recognizable on the face of a freakin' unicorn), and said, "Yes, and if we capture him here and now, think of the commendations we'll receive!"

The sarge gave the lieutenant a look that seemed to imply that she'd lost her mind, and said, "Commendations aren't much good if you're not alive to receive them! We're barely equipped to deal with a small hive of changelings! There's no way we'd be able to take both them AND Lord Tirek at the same time!"

Again, who?

"COWARD!" Skyflower practically spat in his face, as dozens of ponies began to enter the valley, all of them wearing similar expressions of shock at seeing me. I was beginning to understand why: The distance between me and the equine visitors had made it difficult to tell at first, but now it was beginning to become clear. I was bigger than they were. I mean, a great deal bigger. I think that the tallest one's head might have reached the chest of my equine half. They were little ponies in comparison to me.

And strangely enough, they seemed to think I was someone else. Someone they obviously didn't like.

Skyflower, clearly angry, turned towards me, and shouted, "All units! Attack!"

The clearing was filled with the deafening sound of absolutely no one making a move.

Looking about, angrily, the lieutenant was clearly unhappy about the fact that no one was obeying that order. If there was a single thought that seemed to be shared by everyone else in the clearing, it was 'No, YOU go first.'

It seemed that, while Lord Tirek wasn't someone they liked, it was also clear that he wasn't someone that they wanted to fuck with, either.

I crossed my arms over my muscular chest, and looked at the group of ponies (At a rough estimate, there was at least a hundred, probably more). A few seemed to be taking a step back: It seemed that by just crossing my arms, I had succeeded in making myself even more intimidating than before. I'd need to remember that I could do that now. I idly wondered what would happen if I began cracking my knuckles while smiling...

Before I could begin doing so, Skyflower blew a gasket. Hopping up and down in anger, she screamed, almost like a brat in the middle of a tantrum (Which, to be honest, she kinda was), "COWARDS! INCOMPETENTS! WEAKLINGS! YOU DISGRACE THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA! I'LL HAVE YOUR HIDES FOR THIS!!!"

I snorted in amusement. I mean, I'm sorry, but she was not, right now, acting like a military officer. She was acting like a five year old who wasn't getting what she wanted (And having worked in a toy store, I have seen a lot of that). I raised an eyebrow, and turned my attention towards Flint, asking, "Is she having her period, or is she always like this?"

Skyflower stopped, mid-rant, her expression turning so red that I thought her face might melt, while Flint, with a feat of flexibility I would have thought impossible for a pony, raised a hoof to scratch the back of his head, and began to say, "Actually..."

"SILENCE!!!" the unicorn shouted, as a few of the soldiers snickered, and she pointed towards me, and shouted, "And you! Surrender now, or face the full fury of the Equestrian army, Lord Tirek!"

My priorities, in this situation, were a little skewed, I freely admit. I would normally have been happy to sit down and calmly explain to her that no, I wasn't this 'Tirek' character she thought I was, but she was just so... ridiculous when she was angry that I couldn't help but to poke her a little more. It was free entertainment! I didn't know if this was a dream, a hallucination, or just some bizarre version of the afterlife, but I was nowhere near taking this situation seriously. Who would? Besides, right now, 'calm' and Skyflower didn't belong on the same planet, let alone the same sentence.

Chuckling, I asked, "What fury? So far, all I've seen is a little girl throwing a hissy-fit because no one is doing what she's telling them to."

I swear, I thought her head was about to explode, right then and there. Grinding her teeth in fury, her horn suddenly burst into blood red light, and a beam of energy sped towards me. Shocked, I raised a hand up, to block the beam. A stupid thing to do, normally, but in this case, it seemed to work: The light gathered in the palm of my hand, and when the beam stopped, Skyflower seemed stunned that there had proven to be no effect.

I turned my palm to where I could see it, and was surprised to see that a globe of energy was crackling violently in my hand, the same color as the beam that had just been launched my way. I don't know where the urge came from, but I felt an overwhelming desire... to eat it.

I raised it to my mouth, and took a small bite out of it. A smile immediately came to my face as I said, "Mmmm, cinnamony!" I promptly ate the entire thing, to the horror of the watching ponies.

Skyflower, clearly stunned, uttered, "That shot could have taken a chunk out of a fortress wall... and he thought it was delicious..."

Once I finished my rather unusual meal, I said, "Thank you sir, may I have another?" I admit, I was still kind of hungry for more...

This seemed to be the wrong thing to say, as Skyflower lost what little sanity she had left, and promptly charged me, screaming, her horn lowered. It was... honestly, the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. Never mind the size difference, her horn had a rounded tip: She'd have to be running a whole lot faster, and have a lot more weight behind her, before she'd do much more than annoy someone with that thing.

Still, I figured I should stop her before she hurt herself. As she came within range of my arms, I reached forward and grabbed her with one hand, lifting her up off the ground. Then, holding her in front of me, and giving her my best 'What the hell did you think was going to happen?' look, I chuckled. And I will freely admit, I am very good at those kinds of looks.

Skyflower promptly began to call me every name under the sun... that didn't include the major curse words. It seemed that her sheltered upbringing had resulted in her lacking a few chunks of her vocabulary. Still, I was impressed: She might not have known the best words for the job, but she made up for it with creativity. Still, her voice was getting on my nerves. With one hand still holding her, I raised the other towards her head, held my thumb and middle finger together close to her ear, and snapped my fingers. Loudly.

The effect was impressive, far more so than I had expected. My fingers were much larger in comparison to how they were before, and much stronger. The snap was as loud as a rifle shot. Skyflower clutched her ears in pain, giving a shouted 'Arhg!', and went silent.

Giving her another look, this time a little more compassionate than before, I said, "Now, how about we..."

I was interrupted by a shout of "Attack!", followed by what seemed like hundreds of weird bug-pony things like the one I originally saw when I first woke up, all of whom were converging upon the other equines. What courage the ponies had left deserted them, and they ran for the hills without a backwards glance. I swear I heard someone say, "I never liked that nag, anyways," as they retreated.

Within seconds, the clearing had been emptied of ponies, and was now filled with bugs. I looked first at Skyflower, then at the newcomers, and then decided that the best way to do this would be to play it tough: Obviously, folks seemed to think I had a nasty reputation. Better to seem like I knew what I was doing, rather than seem like I was weak or unsure of myself.

"Who is in charge here?" I asked, gruffly.

One of the bug ponies, dressed in armor similar, but more... intimidating, than the armor that the ponies had been wearing, stepped forward, then said, "I am, sir." His voice was surprisingly respectful, and he actually saluted. "I... I am certain that the Queen will wish to see you, sir. Would you be willing to come with us?"

With a shrug, still holding Skyflower (Who'd gone very pale, after seeing her small army get chased off by a force that now seemed to be twenty times the size of her own), I said, "Sure, why not. Lead the way."

Nodding, the leader said, "Very good sir." Eying my captive, he asked, "Shall I take her off your hands, sir?"

Looking at the unicorn, I said, "Alright." After a moment's thought, I added, "But don't handle her too roughly. She's having a very bad day."

The armored one snickered, then said, "Yes sir. We saw that, sir." A little more seriously, he added, "I can promise you, she will come to no harm under our watch, sir. However, I should tell you that I cannot speak for what may happen when we reach the queen. She has not been in the best of moods, lately."

I nodded, then said, "Very well. I will keep that in mind. Lead the way."

Had I known what was going to happen shortly after we reached the hive, I would have gone ahead and let Skyflower go. She honestly didn't deserve the kind of trouble that she was about to go through. Then again, she needed to be brought down a peg or two, and the days and weeks to come would be more than enough to knock some of the bitch out of her...

And speaking of bitches...

I'm Twenty-Six, And Recently Graduated College! I Just Got My Masters In Structural Engineering, For Pity's Sake!

I'm Twenty-Six, And Recently Graduated College! I Just Got My Masters In Structural Engineering, For Pity's Sake!

I've always tried to be the level-headed, responsible one.

I mean, being the eldest of four children, and the only boy at that, means that you have to be responsible from a young age. I was five when my sisters were born (Triplets. Yeah, go figure), and naturally, I was expected to be the one to watch over all of them when a sitter wasn't available. Mind you, since my sisters were pretty well behaved, that mostly meant attending a lot of tea parties and learning how to brush out their hair for them, I was able to take it in stride, mostly.

It also required that I sit and watch a number of rather... girly shows growing up, but provided that they were not too 'frilly', I was able to tolerate the experience. In exchange, I learned a number of things about girls in general, as well as how to cook a number of delicious meals: The Trifecta (My nickname for them) loved to cook, and some of their knowledge passed on to me. I met my first girlfriend in home economics (Easy A, and for a sixteen year old boy, being surrounded by girls has a certain appeal). She was nuts for my cheesecake. Every girl I ever met loved my cheesecake, human, equine, or otherwise.

My cheesecake is so good, it can make a mare curl her toes.

Ah, but I digress.

I was being escorted to the changeling's base, their 'hive', with a sizable army in tow. The primary reasons I did not feel like a prisoner were because, one, everyone around me was treating me with the utmost respect, and two, because everyone seemed to be slightly terrified of me. Instead, it was as if I was a visiting member of a foreign delegation... from a nation that could nuke a country to glass if offended.

My opinion of my... escort was fairly positive, honestly. Like most insects, the changelings had the look of a sort of 'living purpose built machine'. While the leg holes were a little surprising, and their overall appearance a bit off-putting, at first, they were definitely well-disciplined: There was not a word of chatter amongst the ranks...

Meanwhile, Skyflower was definitely looking like she felt she was a prisoner. It had been made abundantly clear to her, the first time she tried to bolt, that if she made a second attempt, she'd be losing her walking privileges: They'd literally just tie her to a pole, and carry her the entire way, hanging from her legs. And if she tried to use any spells? Well, then she'd lose her horn privileges. I didn't hear an explanation of that one, but I think that she understood what it meant. Brutal, but undeniably effective. She didn't even breathe a word of complaint the rest of the way.

Honestly, though, I don't think that she had a second spell in her right now: She'd not attempted a anything magical since her little cinnaminny spell burst earlier. She might have used up all of the juice she had with that one shot. I could make a variety of jokes about that, really, but I really don't think that would be appropriate right now. I will admit, though, that it was pretty impressive, as secret moves go.

I later learned that the spell in question was something akin to fireworks. While her name did, in fact, reference a type of flower, it also was a reference to her ability with pyrotechnic spells. Of course, the only real difference between a fireworks launcher and a rocket launcher is if you're aiming at the sky, or at someone. In this case, rather than creating a pretty explosion in the sky, had the blast impacted my face, it would have been like a shaped charge going off on my nose. It would have blown the front of my head out through the back of my skull. So, yes, when we first met, she'd tried to hit me in the face with the magical equivalent of an anti-tank rocket.

Well, one of my oldest and most enduring friendships was with a person whose first words to me, ever, were "Fuck you, sir." And that was from a fourteen year old girl. Life is a little bit crazy, sometimes, and you never know what direction it might take, even before all the magical nonsense starts creeping in. I've learned to take these things in stride.

Anywho, when we came to the hive in question, I was, admittedly, beyond impressed. I was expecting something... insectile. You know, like an honest-to-goodness giant insect hive, or maybe an ant hill. I wasn't expecting it to be constructed like an African termite mound, built from sand and changeling spit. Thing is, instead of looking like something out of a horror story, it looked a bit like the architect of the Emerald City had decided to build a mixture of medieval fortress and fairy-tale palace. It was immense, towering as tall as a skyscraper, and breath-taking to behold. Words cannot truly describe it. A poet would fall to his knees and weep at the sight of one of those structures. Even Skyflower, who had, up until now, remained silent yet still visibly fuming, allowed herself to wear a brief expression of wonder.

She whispered, so quiet I almost missed it, "Our intel was wrong: This isn't a small hive. This is the lair of the queen herself..." The tone managed to convey so much dread that I couldn't help but wonder just what the queen, and these little bug ponies, were like to folks they didn't have the utmost respect for...

Looking down at the commander, I said, "Impressive. Did you build that yourselves?"

The armored changeling nodded, and said, "Yes, sir. Changeling saliva, mixed with sand, hardens into a solid crystal-like substance. It takes time to build, and a fair bit of effort to maintain, but if well cared for, it makes for an incredibly strong defense... as well as an aesthetically pleasing one."

Nodding, I admitted, "It is quite... moving, yes." Note to self: Just because they were insects, didn't mean that they 'thought' like insects. Giving the bug creature a look, I asked, "Tell me, what is the queen like?"

"I would never speak ill of the queen sir," was his immediate reply.

A very unusual response. However, it immediately rang a loud warning bell in my head, as I realized what it actually might mean...

Back at the KB Toy Store I worked at, the manager was a massive dick. I mean, he was such a mega-dick that other dicks would say that he was a dick. A nun, I swear, once told me that she thought he was a dick: Sweet old lady of eighty years, taking a bunch of little kids from the orphanage she helped run to pick Xmas presents, said that to me in passing, after speaking with him for five minutes. That should tell you all you really needed to know about him.

However, he had very good hearing, and a tendency to listen in on what were supposed to be private conversations... and he would come down like the hammer of the gods upon anyone who whispered a bad word about him. As such, veteran employees would speak very carefully about him, in a sort of code that managed to convey to a careful listener, such as myself, the negative qualities of the subject, without ever actually saying anything bad about him. Reading between the lines, you might call it, or maybe just listening to what was, and was not, being said.

'Never speak ill of the queen' was not necessarily the same as not 'thinking' ill of the queen. Speaking ill of the queen might mean 'Off With Your Head', depending upon the temperament of the ruler, and I'd just heard, a short time ago, that the queen was not in the best of moods. This, I admit, was just a theory, based on personal experience, though. Of course, regardless of species, if you ask a loyal subordinate of their opinion of a respected leader, they'll gush about the great achievements of said superior, and about every admirable quality, either real or imagined, said leader possessed. The fact that the only thing that this commander had to say was that he would not say anything bad about her could easily be taken as an admission that he held a very low opinion of the current leader of the hive.

I decided to test that theory: "Tell me, what was her predecessor like?"

The expression that came over the commander's face was like he'd been asked to describe his favorite superhero. "Oh, the previous queen was very wise, and incredibly brave, sir. She orchestrated many successful infiltrations where we were able to obtain great bounties of love energy to sustain us, with no one the wiser. We could slip in and out through even the most heavily defended cities without leaving a trace..."

Love energy. Weird, but then again, bees ate flower nectar, plants ate sunlight, and Godzilla ate radiation: Everyone has to eat something, right?

Looking at the commander with an expression of pity, I asked, "And the current queen?"

His expression stoic, he simply repeated, "I would never speak ill of the queen, sir."

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a suspicious expression cross Skyflower's face. I couldn't say for certain, but I think that she might have gotten the 'joke'. If she was some sort of aristocrat like I suspected, she was probably far better at reading between the lines than I was...

A small smile curled my lip, and I asked, "What is your name?"

The commander said, simply, "Changelings do not have names, sir."

An eyebrow raised, I asked, "Does the queen have a name?"

Nodding, the commander said, "Her name is Queen Chrysalis, sir."

"Did her predecessor have a name?" I asked, beginning to get an idea of what kind of individual I might soon be speaking with.

"No sir," the commander stated, flatly.

One final thing I needed to check, then. "Has the queen allowed anyone else to have a name?"

"I would never speak ill of the queen, sir," was the immediate reply. That would be no, then.

I read between the lines, and the words both said, and unsaid. The message conveyed was not a good one. The queen, it seemed, was vain: No other changeling bore a name, not even their previous queens. Not sure how that worked, but the changelings had made it work, somehow. The queen, on the other hand, gave herself a name, and did not let anyone else have one. Not only did she want to have that privilege all to herself, she wanted to ensure that she'd go down in history: As the only queen with a name, she'd likely be remembered for untold generations to come, both within the hive and in the records of their allies and enemies. However, the commander had just said that changelings did not have names. Reading between the lines...

...The commander viewed the queen with such disgust that he didn't even consider her to be a real changeling anymore. It was possible that she was a female, adult Prince Joffrey.

You did, in fact, get rulers like that, sometimes: Caligula, Ivan the Terrible, Nero, and sundry others, history is full of noble lines that suddenly had a complete nutcase pop up in the family that began dragging the entire kingdom down. Odds were, the queen was from the same mold. However, unlike humans, insects had a biological predisposition to being absolutely loyal to a 'queen'... even if they didn't like her, or felt she was not fit for the position she held. So, they were stuck with her until she died... or they did.

What it boiled down to was this: The commander, through indirect means, was trying to warn me that the Queen was dangerous. Extremely dangerous. And quite possibly insane. She was nothing like the creatures that she led. And if what he'd said earlier was true, the Queen might very well kill Skyflower as look at her when we arrived...

I still thought that what was happening was a dream, hallucination, or a bizarre version of the afterlife. However, even if it was just a dream, I didn't want to watch The Queen Of Hearts decapitate someone in front of me, regardless of how much like a spoiled brat she had acted like earlier.

Nodding, I said, "Thank you for the information, Commander." Reaching over and picking up Skyflower as gently, but also as quickly, as possible, I added, "And thank you for watching my captive for me while we marched. I'll be taking back custody of her, however, if you have no complaints." What little I remembered of the introduction to law class (I took it as an elective) told me that habeus corpus, possession of the body, was very important: If the changelings had the right of habeus corpus, their queen could do as she pleased. If I had possession, on the other hand, I could technically veto anything that the queen might command... so long as I was a guest, not a prisoner.

"None whatsoever, Lord Tirek," he said, nodding. Something in his posture seemed to imply that he fully approved of the maneuver.

Skyflower made to complain, but I pulled her close enough that I could whisper in her ear, and said, "You can either stay in my hand, where you'll probably be safe for the time being, or you can stay with the changelings, who will turn you over to their queen. Your choice."

She shut her mouth with a click, and said no more.

She might have been an arrogant, spoiled brat, but I guess she wasn't a complete idiot...

After a moment, I said, "Well, let's get moving, then."

Nodding, the commander turned back towards the hive, and the soldiers started moving again. That piqued my curiosity: This was the second time that the changelings around me had started moving without being ordered. Well, insects tend to communicate through means other than just verbalization: Pheromones, body language, and bees were even known to communicate with one another through 'dance' (Bees might be workaholics, but at least they understood the vital importance of 'Da Funk' in one's daily life). Some sort of communication was going on that I couldn't immediately perceive, I was certain of that. He might have verbalized the order to attack earlier, but that might have been because his forces were spread out and hidden, meaning they didn't have line of sight. Well, pheromone scents would be almost useless on a windy day, and both body language and dance required you to be watching the one doing the talking, so even with the advantage of those alternate means of communication, sometimes they still had to speak aloud.

Humans are the same way, right? We have verbal language, body language, sign language, written language, and more, all so we can get ideas across, regardless of the situation.

I'd need to keep in mind that the changelings communicated through multiple means, though: If the 'Queen of Hearts' wanted to say 'Off with your head', she might not need to move her lips to do so...

While the exterior was a combination of functionality and aesthetic beauty, the interior of the hive was primarily built for functionality. It made sense, upon examination: Barring a severe rainstorm or other extreme acts of nature, nothing was likely to remove the exterior decorations of the hive. The interior, on the other hand, was a different story: The halls of the hive saw a lot of foot, or maybe I should say 'hoof', traffic. Because of that, anything decorative would get worn away from the floor, walls, or even the ceiling (I admit, seeing a changeling casually walk across the ceiling is one of the coolest things you'll ever see in a hive), while any sort of decorative statue would just be in the way.

I suspected that anything that wasn't purely functional would be kept by the queen herself. Boy howdy, was I right.

When we reached the throne room, I was not surprised by the statues of the queen. There were dozens of them, lining the walls of the room, and even on second-story balconies (It was a pretty tall throne room). Statues of the queen stood in every conceivable position, with every possible expression, so long as they painted her in a positive light. I wasn't even surprised by the fact that, rather than being made from the modest, yet quite attractive, green crystal of the rest of the hive, her throne was a massive, gaudy affair wrought of gold and gemstones, with red velvet cushions. What did surprise me?

What surprised me was how... radically different in appearance the queen was, in comparison to the rest of her subjects. I mean, I know that the 'queens' of most insect species tend to be bigger and somewhat different in appearance, but I'd honestly expected her to just be a larger version of her subjects. Instead, it was like someone had taken the worst physical aspects of a pony and a changeling, mixed them together, and then gave her a dozen turns on the rack to stretch her out. Nothing seemed to be made to the right proportions: Her head, for example, was noticeably too small for her body. Her legs and neck? Too long. Her torso? Way too thin. Someone needed to give that girl a sandwich. Seriously. Unlike her subjects, she just seemed... wrong, on an almost fundamental level. I've heard some folks say later that they found her 'exotically attractive', but I just found her repulsive, personally.

And speaking with her did not do anything to change my opinion.

"And who," the queen began, disinterest oozing from her tone, "are you?" Ball one, right then and there. I mean, I'm sorry, but she could have pretended to be interested in the gigantic, well-muscled centaur who had just stepped into her throne room.

The captain stepped forward, then said, "My queen, this is Lord Tirek. He..."

That was a far as he got before the queen shot a burst of energy from her horn, knocking the changeling off of his hooves and sending him flying. The queen, anger clear upon her face, shouted, "Do not speak unless you are spoken to first!" Strike one. I happened to like the commander. If she'd killed him with that shot...

The commander rose, a visible dent in his chest armor, but seeming none the worse for wear. The queen scowled at the rising bug, but said nothing more. The commander, once on his hooves, simply stood there, silently. I'm sure he had a lot he wished to say, like how there was apparently an army of equine soldiers who now knew that the changelings were here, but the queen's orders overrode his desire to warn his ruler that everyone needed to pack up and leave, pronto.

Turning back towards me, an expression of... interest was now on the queen's face. No, scratch that: Interest was not the right word. It was avarice. She wanted me. No, not in that way, you perv: She wanted to possess me, or something that I had...

The queen was an awful poker player, I'll say that much right now. She didn't have any skill whatsoever in hiding her intentions. At that moment, I felt like I was being sized up, and not in a fun or sexy way: I was being examined like a bull at the market... or for slaughter.

I was being evaluated as a pawn, or maybe a rook. A piece to be used. Nothing more.

Ball two. Two more balls, and I'd be walking out of here, end of story. I'm sorry, but the royal bug-skank was making me super-uncomfortable. Two more strikes, and...

Well, we'll get to that.

"So this is the infamous Lord Tirek himself," Queen Chrysalis said, looking me up and down again as she began circling me. "The Terror Of Equestria. The prisoner who escaped Tartarus. The one who stole the magic from all the ponies of Equestria, turned Discord against his friends, and stole the power of both the princesses and the embodiment of Chaos itself... and lost it all after being hit by a rainbow." She snickered, then continued, "I'd heard that you were locked back up in Tartarus. What are you doing out here, in my domain?"

Okay, it seemed that the individual that everyone thought I was... was the world's biggest asshat. Seriously. What the fuck? I must have been having the worst day ever. I mean, really? I was this world's version of Atilla the Hun or Genghis Khan? How the hell does that happen?

Still, I tried to play it cool. If she found out that I wasn't someone... useful, I might find the queen turning one of those energy blasts towards me. Giving the queen a glare, I said, gruffly, "I do not see how that is any of your business." I was tempted to cross my arms over my chest, but I was still holding Skyflower. I didn't think that she would appreciate being swung around like that. "Your servants told me that you would want to speak with me. Say your piece and be done with it. I have things I planned to do today."

I had a sinking feeling now in my chest: The queen had me mistaken for someone else. Someone with a bad reputation. However, she and her subjects had not tried to kick me out. Her subjects, I suspected, simply didn't want to antagonize 'The Terror Of Equestria'. Although... maybe they had an ulterior motive for being here, upon reflection. The queen, on the other hand...

She wanted me to repeat the original Tirek's previous actions, only this time under her banner.

"I want to propose," she purred, "an alliance. A... mutually beneficial arrangement." She continued circling me, flipping her tail in a manner I was terrified she thought might have been alluring. "My subjects need love energy to survive, and you desire the magic energy that the ponies possess. Join me, become my vassal. I see no reason why the two of us couldn't sate both of our... desires at once." The way she said that last part. Ew. Ball three, right there.

I'm sorry, but seriously, it was like being propositioned by something that looked like a pony who took a ride with a fly in Doctor Brundle's telepod. It was like watching a Xenomorph performing a striptease. I think I threw up in my mouth a little right then...

Alright, alright, I'll move on.

My response was simple, and to the point. "No. Not interested."

The queen stopped, directly in front of me, and looked sincerely confused. "No?" Her expression moved quickly to anger, as she repeated, "No?!"

I tried using reason. Bad idea: You can't reason with crazy people. Still, I tried. "As you said yourself, I was defeated, then locked back up in Tartarus. Again. You think I'm in a hurry to go back, now that I am free?" Perfectly understandable, right? You're out of jail, you don't want to go back, so you go lay low. You either needed to be a complete idiot, or have a titanic set of brass cajones (Look up John Dillinger sometime for an example of that. Bad man, impressively audacious bank robber. He robbed two police armories to get the stuff he needed to rob more banks), to immediately go back to committing your crimes right after escaping.

I heard a surprised noise from Skyflower, still in my grasp. I don't think that she was expecting that statement from 'Lord Tirek'. Apparently, Lord Tirek wasn't exactly the brightest of fellows...

Chrysalis, however, wasn't having it. I'm fairly certain, looking back, that she was a megalomaniac, in addition to being a psychotic and a narcissist. A dangerous combination: The world began and ended with her, she was in love with having power and with using that power to do as she pleased... and she had no problem with hurting others if she wanted to. Refusing her? Unthinkable. I might as well have just backhanded her and called her a skank to her face as refused her 'gracious offer'.

Of course, had she made this offer with the real Lord Tirek, and he accepted, I am pretty sure that she'd only have worked with him until she got what she wanted, and then stabbed him in the back. Given what I've since learned of Tirek, though, it might have been a race to see who betrayed whom first...

Her voice becoming rather shrill with anger, she practically screamed, "YOU DARE TO REFUSE ME!?" Her horn flared with magic, and her face contorted into a vicious snarl. "I AM THE QUEEN OF THE CHANGELINGS! YOU WILL SERVE ME, OR YOU WILL SUFFER MY WRATH!!!"

Strike two. Skyflower's antics had amused me, primarily because she was an adult, in a military outfit, who was behaving like a spoiled child. The fact that she was a cute little pony made her endearing, as strange as it might sound. Chrysalis? Completely different story, and not simply because she wasn't easy on the eyes.

The queen had treated one of her subordinates like dirt, blasting him just for introducing me, rather than letting me do it myself. Skyflower might have disregarded her subordinate's recommendation, and cursed out her other subordinates because they'd hesitated to attack me, but she'd at least kept it to just words... in spite of her ability to launch explosive blasts from her head-spike. Chrysalis, an individual in a position of higher authority, and who ruled over an army of subjects who, I believed, were biologically incapable of disobeying her, had just shot someone simply for speaking out of turn. It was like the difference between Paris Hilton and Elizabeth Bathory...

This was not going to end well. I just knew it...

I had a strong suspicion that the main reason that the commander had brought me here was because he wanted me to get into a fight with the Queen: Magic-Stealing Asshat Versus Psycho-Bitch Queen, winner take all. He probably thought that, best case scenario, we'd destroy one another. Worst case, I killed the queen, and went on my merry way, since I apparently had a bigger beef with the ponies than with the changelings.

...I didn't want to do any real fighting, though: Having been raised with three sisters, to me, hitting a woman was unthinkable. If my sisters ever got word of me striking a lady, they'd skin me alive (Figuratively, not literally. Honestly, given what they'd actually do to me, being skinned alive would be the 'vegetarian' option. You have not been scolded until you've been scolded by triplets).

Even if the queen had been a king, well, let's be honest here: I was no wizard. I was a college graduate with a degree in structural engineering. I make things, I don't break things. Sure, I took part in the Boxing Club, but I was no Mike Tyson. I could go twelve rounds, mainly due to footwork and being able to bob and weave, but I'd never won by knockout. Worse, this body was still strange and unfamiliar to me: If I'd tried anything more complex than walking, I was likely to trip over my own feet/hooves. All I could be certain of was that I was big and strong right now. However, I could also 'catch' magic, so that was a plus. However, since I didn't want to hurt a girl, and lacked a magical means of restraining her, I'd have to do things the old fashioned way.

Remember the baseball analogies I used earlier? Four balls, and I had planned on just walking out in disgust. Let them try and stop me: I was more jacked up than Arnold in his prime. I was pretty sure I could make it out without too much trouble. Three strikes?

Three strikes, and I planned on picking up the queen, carrying her outside, and see how well this body could do the Javelin Throw. She had wings, so I was pretty sure that it wouldn't do much else asides from embarrass her and get her out of my face for a bit. By the time she got back, I'd be long gone.

The queen, however, had other ideas. A ball of crackling green energy formed over her head. It was the size of a beach ball, with little bolts of green lighting crackling on its surface...

I lowered Skyflower to the ground, who needed no further prompting to exit the throne room at high speed. The commander, on the other hoof, had moved, so that he was no longer behind me, but off to the side, out of the line of fire. Beyond that, he sat on the sidelines, a silent observer.

I crossed my arms over my chest, and said, in the calmest voice I possibly could, "If you throw that at me, you will be taking things a whole lot further than you will want them to go. Fair warning."

She threw it at me.

Let's make something very clear here: Catching a laser beam like I did earlier? That was mostly luck. Catching a beach ball made of energy? Easy. It moved a heck of a lot slower than the beam did, and was a bigger target. I held up one hand, and stopped it. That easy. I don't know why this body seemed to treat energy like a solid object, but I was not in any position to question it.

Remembering last time, I used a finger from my other hand to take a little bit of energy off of the surface, like frosting off a cake, and tasted it... then immediately spat it out. It was... disgustingly minty. Like a shamrock shake to the twenty-fifth power. I couldn't imagine trying to eat the ball I now held, even if I had forgotten rule number twenty-two from the Evil Overlord List: No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. That stuff would have made me violent sick to my stomach... and might have blown me to bits if I'd tried it anyways.

Had I known, at the time, that the ball of magical power in question was condensed love energy, I would have had a great many worries and concerns about the nature of the body I now occupied. Instead, I just knew then that I had a ball of explosive power in my palm, and nothing to do with it...

I honestly didn't want to hurt anybody here, so it wasn't like I could just throw it back. Plus, I had no idea just how much damage that puppy could do if it went off. I mean, a sane person wouldn't use, as an opening move, an energy blast that would cause mutually assured destruction, but the queen wasn't striking me as sane.

Chrysalis interrupted my train of thought by launching a laser beam at me. Well, not at me, but at the ball of energy I held. It seemed that she was trying to trigger the detonation that she had expected to occur. Instead, it just grew... and grew...

The commander, still sitting on the sidelines, stood up suddenly, and I swear that something changed about the overall scent in the air...

The ball was getting bigger, now almost as big as I was. Impossibly, it also felt a lot heavier as well. It took both hands now to hold it in midair... and it was getting harder to keep my grip. I didn't know what would happen if I let go of the ball, but I had a suspicion that it would involve a four letter word that rhymed with 'Doom', and would mean the same thing. At this point, the explosion might have leveled the entire castle. However, I think that the queen no longer cared. Like I said, she had a dangerous combination of mental illnesses. She was the type that, if you impaled her upon a spear, she'd push herself down its entire length, just so that she could have a chance at ripping your throat out with her teeth before she died...

I heard a skittering sound behind me. After a few seconds, I saw out of the corner of my eye that changelings were gathering in the throne room. A lot of them. It seemed that the queen had decided to summon reinforcements...

The assembled changelings opened their mouths, and...

The ball started getting lighter. Tendrils began leaching off of the ball, and into the mouths of the surrounding creatures. Within seconds, the ball was back to the size of a beach ball, and within a few seconds more, it was gone.

If the queen had been angry before, she was furious now. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEADS FOR THIS TREASON!!!"

"Treason," I heard the commander say, as he stepped towards the queen. "An interesting choice of words, coming from you. Treason is the crime of betraying one's country." Looking a little smug, he continued, "Over the last three years, you have implemented terribly strict rationing of love energy, stating that there was so little to spare that we could not even afford to expend any on the priming of any of the eggs now sitting in the hatchery for birth. And yet, you just expended with that little display enough power to feed a hive ten times our size for three centuries. Tell me, where did you suddenly get that power from?"

I couldn't believe it: The commander had just used me as a patsy in a sting operation!

The queen still seemed furious, but even I could see that she seemed to be sweating. "THAT IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN," She bellowed, trying to bluster her way out of the current situation.

The commander gave a smile that clearly had no humor to it. "Actually, it is, your highness." His expression turning stern, he stated, "When you demanded that, when you took the throne, we change from quiet infiltration to violent conquest, I kept quiet, since it was your right to make that change if you willed it. Likewise, when you insisted that you take point on all pre-invasion operations, in spite of having no acting skills, and little to no skill in gathering intelligence, I kept silent, because that was also within your rights." Advancing, angrily, he continued, hatred beginning to color his tone, "When you had us invade Equestria, a country far larger than we could ever hope to hold, I kept quiet, because it was your right to declare which countries we should target. When you decided that your first act, after our ejection from Canterlot, was to launch a petty revenge scheme against Twilight Sparkle and her friends, when such an action was against our best interests, I kept silent, because under our laws, you had the right to do so." Sparks striking from his hooves, the commander practically shouted as he closed the remaining distance, "WHEN YOU DEMANDED THAT ANY EGG BEARING THE MARK OF ROYALTY, THE MARK THAT THE HATCHLING WOULD BE YOUR SUCCESSOR, BE SMASHED ON SIGHT, I KEPT QUIET, BECAUSE AS TERRIBLE AS THAT WAS, THERE WAS NO LAW TO PREVENT YOU FROM DOING SO!!!"

The commander, bare inches from the queen, and his expression so stony that it might have been etched from granite, said, in a calm tone far the more terrifying than all the shouting in the world, "When you murdered my mate, and crushed our egg, just because she hid from you the fact that it was a queen's egg, I said nothing, even though every fiber of my being screamed for vengeance, because you had done nothing that violated our laws. Perhaps the laws of common decency, but not 'our' laws."

Turning away from her, he said, loud enough for all to hear, "But now, you have, before the entire hive, been shown to be guilty of breaking our greatest law: All love must be shared between all members within the hive equally! The first law! The most sacred law of our kind! You have been found guilty of hording love, at a time when love is scarce! In fact, love is scarce because you were hording it! You have broken the law that has been in place since the first changelings banded together to form a hive, and shall hold true until there no longer exists a single bug to remember it! Without that law, we cannot have a hive! We cannot hope to thrive as a species!" After a few paces, he stopped, and turned to face the queen once more, stating, "The penalty for breaking that law, regardless of rank, is death."

The queen looked more than a little scared now. I suspected that, like Skyflower had done earlier, she'd blown her entire mystical payload in that one failed attack. She didn't have anything left to protect herself with...

"You cannot do this," Chrysalis stated, attempting to look regal, but her shaking legs and visible sweat made that a little difficult. "I am your queen!"

"I can," the commander said, simply. Then he gestured towards the rest of the gathered changelings and added, "We can. And we will. You are queen no more." There was a subtle change in the smell on the air, and as one, the entire hive advanced upon their queen.

There was a great deal of screaming, but blessedly, the press of bodies prevented me from seeing what was actually happening. However, given that the screams went on for a very, very long time, it certainly wasn't quick.

I turned around, and walked out of the room, unable to stomach what was going on, and distraught that I had been a part of it. From the sound of things, the queen had definitely not been a good bug, and maybe she deserved what was happening. I don't know, things like this had been far beyond my proverbial pay-grade even before I'd ended up here... wherever or whatever here might have been. However, that didn't mean that I wanted to be a part of what was going on in there. Besides, psychotic or not, megalomaniac or not, irredeemable monster or not... in the end, when the queen died, she sounded just like any other girl would while being ripped apart by an angry mob.

Sorry. I wish I could make a joke right now, say something to lighten the mood, but there's really nothing funny about what happened in there.

I was surprised to see, just outside the throne room, Skyflower was sitting by the door, her hooves clamped over her ears, trying to block out the noise... and failing: Hooves aren't the best tools to do that kind of thing with. I was surprised to see her still around. When the screaming finally stopped, I observed, "I expected you to be long gone."

Still visibly rattled, she managed to stammer out, "I... I'm an o-officer of the E-E-Equestrian Army. I c-c-c-couldn't leave without first observing what w-w-w-w-was going to happen when two of my c-country's greatest enemies clashed..."

I snorted, and said, "Right." I'll admit, I felt a little bit more respect for her at that moment then I had before: Her earlier temper tantrums aside, she had risked her life to try and get information that she felt would be vitally important. "Well," I stated, a little more gruffly than I really wanted to, "You saw. Get moving."

Looking up at me in shock, she asked, "You're just letting me go? You're not going to...?"

"...Eat your magic?" I asked, finishing her question for her. I jerked a thumb towards the throne room and said, "What happened in there has left me with a bad case of indigestion. I doubt I could stomach anything so... saccharine right now."

Looking me up and down, Skyflower asked the last question I had expected. "Who are you? You look like Tirek, and you sound like Tirek, but you don't talk or act like him."

In spite of the terrible first impression she'd made, it seemed that she really did have a brain inside that head of hers. I was about to tell her the truth, when I heard the sound of advancing hooves. "I'll explain later," I said, holding a finger to my lips.

The commander stepped out, then turned towards me and saluted. "I apologize for getting you involved in our internal affairs, Lord Tirek," he stated, his tone more than a little worried. "I also beg your forbearance in taking any form of retribution against us for placing your safety at risk..."

I took a deep breath, ready to give the commander an earful...

When you murdered my mate, and crushed our egg...

Then let it out in a long sigh. Insect, pony, or human, could you blame him for what he'd just done? At that moment, I didn't have enough anger in me to even raise my voice at him. "Don't worry about it. And... my condolences for your mate." Looking the commander over as he visibly relaxed, I asked, "So, what now?"

The commander stated, "We will wait for a new queen's egg to appear, and when it does, we will ensure that it will remain safe and undamaged until it hatches. From there, we will ensure that she is raised to be a paragon of her kind... unlike her predecessor." After a moment, he added, "In the meantime, we shall do what changelings have done since the first days of creation: Survive."

After a moment, he bowed, then said, "And allow me to extend to you and your captive the hospitality of our hive. Sunset is coming soon, and it is dangerous to venture into the woods at night. Come the morning, if you wish to leave, you may do so."

Looking at Skyflower, then back at the commander, I nodded, then said, "Very well." Hopefully, this was all just a dream or a hallucination, and I'd wake up in the morning, safe and snug in my bed. I had yet to come to grips with the fact that my life had been irrevocably changed, else I would have just sat huddled in a corner, sucking my thumb and whimpering for the rest of my life...

Meanwhile, miles away in a city called Canterlot, events were transpiring that would ensure that tomorrow would be a busy day...

"You are certain of this?" Celestia asked, her expression one of terrible worry.

Luna nodded, then said, "I am, sister. Tirek is missing from Tartarus once more. It seems that the message we just received regarding his sudden return is accurate."

Celestia gulped, then said, "And he may well be in league with the changelings, now."

Luna understood her sister's worry: The changeling invasion had taken everyone by surprise, as had their second assault, a few weeks later, targeting Twilight Sparkle and her friends in particular. The fact that, since then, the changelings had remained off the radar had left both sisters edgy, especially since their queen had proven herself strong enough to injure an alicorn during their last encounter. Between Tirek and the changelings, the situation looked terribly grim...

"I can have Twilight and her friends summoned within the hour," Luna began...

Celestia raised a hoof, and said, "Not yet. I would spare her a second confrontation with Tirek, if at all possible. As of yet, she and her friends have yet to reawaken the power they used to defeat the foul beast the first time. Besides, Twilight is still grieving the loss of her home, and the fond memories she'd experienced within." Turning thoughtful, she said, "Instead, summon Discord. I suspect that he'll be more than eager to settle accounts with his 'former friend'."

I Build Things! I Don't Break Things! Except Maybe When I'm Drunk, And I Trip On Something!

I Build Things! I Don't Break Things! Except Maybe When I'm Drunk, And I Trip On Something!

You want to hear about the most surreal thing that I have ever experienced?

The changelings had decided to throw a party. A party. To celebrate the death of their queen. Whom they had just violently executed five minutes ago. I mean, her body wasn't even cold yet, and the changeling hive decided to have a party. And I was the guest of honor. Yay me.

So yeah, I was Dorothy, Skyflower was Toto, and the changelings were the munchkins. Given that we were in 'The Emerald City', and had just inadvertently killed one of the wicked witches of the compass directions, I couldn't help but feel that this was all some sort of bizarre dream, based on The Wizard Of Oz. I honestly believed I was in a coma at that point, and the doctors had decided to move me up to the good shit.

The changelings were singing and dancing up a storm. And let me tell you, if you think ponies can sing, you have not heard an entire swarm sing in unison. It's... incredibly compelling, yet also kind of creepy, given that they were singing about how their queen was now dead. Yes, they did, in fact, have a 'death song' for when their rulers pass away, and when sung normally, it is incredibly somber and heart-wrenching. However, when the swarm sang it for Chrysalis...

They made it rock. I swear, under other circumstances, I would have been head-banging to it. I know for a fact that half the hive was. If they'd had hands, I was certain that everyone would have been 'Throwing The Goat'. It was like the most metal version of 'Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead' you could ever imagine.

Anyways, I couldn't refuse attending for three very important reasons. Reason one: I was their guest. Reason two: I had nothing better to do. Reason three: Free fucking beer. You heard me. Believe me, if there was ever a time in my life that I needed to get hammered, this was it. I sat with my back against the wall, watched the festivities, and pounded back brews like they were going out of style tomorrow.

Sadly, I was beginning to learn some very unpleasant truths about my new body, such as how the size disparity between myself and my guests meant that one 'glass' of beer for me would be one keg for them. There was also the fact that my body was turning out to be spectacularly resistant to poisons... such as our good old friend, Mister Alcohol. Long story short, beer would not be enough to do the job.

Skyflower, on the other hand/hoof, was under no such restrictions... and was well on her way to becoming totally smashed. I couldn't guarantee her safety if she left my sight, and when she had seen all the beer upon our arrival at the party, she had essentially said, "Fuck it, I'm drinking." She got buzzed pretty quickly, from what I could tell, and was fast approaching the 'flirty' stage of being drunk. Thankfully, the changelings didn't seem interested: Being my 'captive' seemed to have made her pretty unappealing. Messing with her meant messing with me, and no one wanted to mess with me.

I felt a tap against my side, and I turned to see a changeling, fairly young and feminine in appearance (In that she was smaller than most of them, and noticeably more slender), with a fairly small glass filled with a pitch black liquid. Holding it up, she asked, "Poko, milord?"

I picked up the glass in question, and examined it. It didn't look like much. Just a regular mug, really. I suspected that it might have been the the changeling version of hard liquor. Given that regular beer had proven to be less than effective, I supposed that it might help to move up to the stronger stuff.

I tipped my head back, and drank it. All of it. In one go.

Let me explain something to you folks, since you've probably never tried poko before. I can tell, because you're still breathing: Poko is not hard liquor. Oh no. Hard liquor is to poko what a BB Gun is to the fucking Death Star. Apparently, the commander had noticed my one-centaur war on sobriety, and decided to be a friend and help me out before I drank all the beer the changelings had left. In retrospect, he probably should have just given me the damn beer.

Now, I honestly cannot say what exactly happened for the rest of the night. I mean, I've heard the stories, and read the summary of events after I woke up, but I personally cannot testify to their veracity. It's all a blank, even now. The last thing I remember was drinking that mug, and then waking up in the morning.

And what a morning...

Meanwhile, back at Canterlot...

Luna was more than a little nervous at this moment. Unlike the overwhelming majority of Equestria, she'd been there to see what Discord had done at the height of his power. The embodiment of chaos was not someone you wanted to make angry, under any circumstances. Thankfully, the Draconequus was amongst the most even-tempered beings on the planet. However, the few times that he'd become truly angry, well...

The less said, the better, perhaps.

And now Luna had to break the bad news to him. Time was of the essence, and Celestia, exhausted, had already retired for the evening. Thus, Luna had to be the bearer of bad news. Sometimes, it can really stink, being a princess. Still, better to get it over with now, rather than wait. Clearing her throat, and ensuring that the throne room was empty, she took a deep breath, and said, quietly, "Discord."

Behind her, she heard someone behind her say, "Yoooooouuuuuu raaaaaaaaannnnnnngggggg?"

Turning around quickly, Luna was startled to see Discord standing there, wearing a butler's costume, wearing an unusual looking toupe, and a startlingly stern expression. The princess sighed to herself in irritation. After a moment, she said, "We have a job for you, Discord. It is one of vital importance to the safety and security of Equestria."

Surprisingly, Discord seemed... shocked. After a moment, he looked at her in suspicion, then observed, "A mission 'of vital importance to the safety and security of Equestria', and you're asking me to take care of it. What's wrong, does Twilight Sparkle have the flu?"

"She is in good health, so far as we know," Luna stated flatly, then said, "Under other circumstances, we might have chosen her first. However, recent events have led my sister and I to believe that you would be better equipped to handle this crisis than she would be."

Dropping the costume, Discord chuckled, then said, "My, my, just wait until I tell her you said that. She'll go all green with envy, just like last time." As he spoke, the Draconequus began changing in hue, until he was the green of a spring lawn.

"One of the conditions of this mission will require that you remain silent about the details of the operation," Luna said, her expression stern. "You will understand why shortly."

Discord frowned, and returned to his normal coloration. With a pout, he said, "Sure, fine, spoil all my fun." With a shrug, he added, "Well, I suppose I can accept that. What is this mission all about."

A little worried, she said, "Before I tell you the details, I need you to make me a promise. You must not, under any circumstances, leave this room in any way, shape, or form, until after your briefing has been completed."

Discord's eyes widened, then looked the princess over with an... intensely curious expression. "Well, well, how interesting. I... suppose I can deal with that. Fine." Holding up both hands, and the tip of his tail, fingers and hair tufts spread wide, he said, "Very well. I promise."

Without preamble, Luna said, "Tirek has escaped from Tartarus. Again."

At about that time, all of Canterlot was suddenly awoken from its peaceful slumber by a sudden noise. Those few who were awake and watching the palace would have sworn that the roofs of the palace briefly rose a full body-length into the air, before coming back down with a crash. They'd also claim that the noise was someone in the palace shouting "WHAT!?" loudly...

Luna rubbed her ears, still wincing from Discord's sudden outburst. She idly wondered if that was what it was like to be on the receiving end of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Thankfully, Discord had regained control of himself, and after a moment, he simply gave Luna a long look, before saying, "If that was a joke... No, I forgot who I was talking to: You don't make jokes."

With a snap of his griffin-taloned hand, Discord summoned... puppets. One representing Luna on his left hand, one representing Celestia on his right, and one, bizarrely, representing himself on the tip of his tail. "I seem to recall a certain conversation we had a few weeks ago. Let me see if I remember how this went."

The Discord puppet said, "Hey ladies, seeing as how Tirek is now trapped in Tartarus, maybe you'd like for me to do something to make it harder for anyone to escape. I'd be happy to do that for you, free of charge, since we're all friends now."

The Celestia puppet, in a tone that made the princess sound more than a little airheaded, said, "Oh no, Discord, that won't be necessary at all. I'm absolutely certain that there's no way that he could possibly escape from the exact same prison he'd already escaped from once."

The Luna puppet, somehow managing to convey the exact same airheaded-ness while also sounding exactly like the original, said, "And even if he did, we're absolutely certain that we can rely on the mysterious power of rainbows that Twilight and her friends have no idea how to use again if there's ever another escape." The Luna puppet turned towards Celestia and said, "Now, sister, let us be away to have tea and cake, while we ignore the potential threat looming over our heads."

"Yay, I love tea and cake!" the Celestia puppet exclaimed, then both suddenly sprouted wings and flew away.

Luna, frowning, said, "Yes, yes, you told us so."

Smiling, Discord said, "Yes, I did. But since you admitted it, I won't bother to rub it in..." Discord snapped his fingers, there was a bright flash, and the Draconequus was suddenly wearing a red bandana and green camo pants. He was also carrying what seemed to be some manner of weapon in each hand. It took Luna a moment to recognize the weapons in question, having only heard of them from Twilight Sparkle's adventures in the world of humans: The Draconequus was carrying firearms, AK-47s if she remembered the designation correctly. The puppet, still on Discord's tail, now had a knife clutched between its teeth. Now girded for war, Discord asked, "So where is he?"

The alicorn held up a hoof and said, "Before I tell you, I need to inform you of the exact nature of your mission, amongst other things."

An eyebrow raised, he asked, "Seek and destroy?"

With a sigh, Luna admitted, "More along the lines of search and rescue. Tirek, from the reports we have obtained, has allied himself with the changeling swarm. We currently have no information beyond that, save a general location. That, and the fact that he has a hostage. While our forces gather in preparation for an assault, we need you to locate the enemy stronghold, obtain intelligence in regard to their plans and the overall strength of their collective forces, and if possible, determine whether the hostage still lives."

His expression hopeful, Discord asked, "And Tirek?"

"We'd prefer not to tip our hooves until our forces are fully gathered," the princess stated formally. "The changelings have twice evaded capture, and we would prefer they not succeed in escaping a third time. However..."

The Draconequus gestured with one of his guns, and asked, "Yes?"

"If you can succeed in capturing him without anyone seeing you," The princess said, after a moment's thought, "then do so. However, you must capture him alive."

An eyebrow raised, Discord asked, "Why?"

"When Scorpan aided us in capturing his brother, he had one condition," Luna admitted, unhappily. "He still held out hope that his brother might one day embrace the joys of friendship. Thus, while we may capture and contain Tirek, we are oath-bound not to slay him... nor are we to allow anyone else to do so in our stead. So, before we can inform you of his location, we must have your word that you will not attempt to slay him, or do him any lasting harm."

DIscord pulled the trigger of his weapon, and... a little flag with the word 'Bang!' written on it popped out. Rolling his eyes, the Draconequus said, "Fine, I won't kill him..." The flag suddenly shot off, and embedded itself into the stone of the ceiling, "But he won't be happy when I'm done with him..."

Ah, the morning. That wonderful time when you discover that you can't remember anything that you did the night before, but the blinding pain of your headache tells you that it was probably something you'll regret for the rest of your life...

The fact that I woke to somewhat feminine snoring next to me helped to reinforce that message. Raising my hand up to my face, I received two rather nasty surprises. The first was that my hand was rather large and well-muscled... and red This, combined with the agony of my hangover, informed me that, whatever this was, it wasn't a dream or a hallucination. Worse, since there really shouldn't be hangovers in heaven, and I'd not lived a bad enough life to warrant hell, I wasn't in the afterlife either. So, at that moment, I'd realized that this was my new reality.

This revelation was eclipsed by the fact that I now wore a wedding ring. It took a moment for the full ramifications of that to sink in: I was a centaur, and thus far, the only creatures that I had encountered were ponies and bug-ponies. Therefore...

I turned my head to the side, and saw...

Well, it took me a moment to recognize her without her helmet or her armor: I'd not realized that she was blonde, since her helmet had fully obscured her mane, and I'd not really noticed the color of her tail before. Still, the facial structure and overall coloration were the same, and she was definitely still a unicorn. A gold ring, matching the one I now wore on my hand, was on the base of her horn. Somehow, last night I had ended up getting married to Skyflower.

Let me ask you a serious question: Just how drunk do you have to get to marry a pony? Poko drunk. If I ever met Tucker Max, I had the beginnings of a story that would make even his most extreme drunken misadventures seem like nothing in comparison. I married a unicorn last night. I had gotten so drunk that I had married a fucking unicorn. A UNICORN WHO BARELY CAME UP TO MY KNEES!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!? I COULDN'T REMEMBER!!!

I felt a scream welling up. At that moment in time, I would have believed that there was no force in all creation that could stop it.

I was interrupted from my horror, blessedly, by the one sound that can make everything right in the world once more: A puppy yipping. I looked over towards my... hooves, and saw a golden retriever pup, in the universal 'Let's Play' position, wagging his tail happily. And he was not alone. There had to be half a dozen puppies, some of them nipping at my hooves, playing on the bed. The pain of my hangover headache had prevented me from realizing it before. Strangely enough, their adorable presence helped ease the pain...

Carefully gathering all of the little ankle-biters with one hand, I rose as gently as I could from the bed, and walked out of the room, before releasing them, after which they took off down the hall, playing puppy games. I was not about to wake Skyflower, just so I could listen to her scream in my face. Not with a hangover, please. Let her sleep it off a while longer...

The commander met me at the doorway. He'd somehow acquired a name tag, proclaiming his name to now be 'Ash'. He seemed to be a little sheepish at that moment. I went to college. I graduated with a masters in structural engineering, and in the top five percent of my class. I can put two and two together a whole hell of a lot faster than most people can. I pointed at the bedroom, then said, "You're responsible for that. Explain."

Nodding, Ash said, "Yes milord. Last night, I noted that you were drinking to excess, yet were suffering no ill effects. You seemed to be trying to drink yourself into a stupor, but the beer we were serving you was clearly insufficient. So, I had a serving maid bring you a glass of poko, hoping to aid you in reaching the goal you were obviously trying to reach."

Curious, I asked, "Just what is poko?"

The commander, after a moment, said, "It is the beer of the gods, and the god of beers. We give it to dragons as tribute, since a shot glass full can get even an adult drake thoroughly inebriated. You drank enough poko last night to floor the entire hive... and you just kept going."

Uh oh. That was a disaster waiting to happen... and it sounded like it had.

"Realizing that you'd not likely remember what you would do come the dawn, and unable to stop you, given your... prodigious proportions, I began chronicling your actions for you, at first so that you'd have a record of the events, and later for posterity." Gulping, Ash said, "You had a very busy night last night, milord." Handing me a sheet of paper, he sat and waited while I read it.

0:00: Lord Tirek drank a single glass of poko.

0:01: Lord Tirek sprang to his hooves, and called for the attention of the entire hive. He immediately got it. A centaur his size is hard to ignore.

0:02: Lord Tirek asked why changelings did not have names. The answer, that we primarily communicated and identified one another via scent, was insufficient. Lord Tirek promptly gave an impassioned speech regarding the vital importance of verbal names, including how, with a name, one could be remembered for centuries after their passing. He ended his speech by saying that it would be a terrible thing if the only changeling ever remembered in history was the queen that had just been deposed.

0:30: Every changeling in the hive, moved by his eloquent speech, immediately demanded names. Lord Tirek, dubbing himself the ruler of the changeling hive (And no one was willing to challenge him for the title at that moment), and renaming himself Emperor Kickass McAwesometown, gave the unicorn named Skyflower the title of Royal Name Giver, and told her to get to work. Skyflower (Thoroughly inebriated) giggled and promptly did so with startling enthusiasm.

0:44: My name is now Ash. I admit, I like it. It feels right, somehow.

0:45: Emperor McAwesometown (Tirek) asked how the hive now planned to gather love. When the subject of infiltration came up, he promptly labeled that 'Bullshit'. He also dubbed conquest as 'Double Bullshit'. He then informed us of the fact that 'puppies' were a life form that would, in exchange for food, care, and attention, provide all the love we would ever need. One changeling, having now been given the name 'Lenny' mentioned that there was, in fact, a puppy mill within two hours flight of the hive.

0:55: Emperor McAwesometown, after hearing this, pulled one of the larger gemstones off of the throne, and promptly proclaimed, and I quote, "Go forth, and buy all the puppies that you can carry! Your emperor wills that it be so!" Lenny took the gemstone, easily enough to buy the entire puppy mill three times over, saluted, and left with a dozen other changelings to fulfill the emperor's will.

1:00: Skyflower stated that she was hungry. Emperor McAwesometown demanded to be led to the kitchens, where we would normally prepare meals for non-changeling prisoners and/or guests. Skyflower, more heavily inebriated, yet somehow having completed her naming duties, followed. The emperor proclaimed that he would craft for us the true food of the gods.

4:00: Emperor McAwesometown, after having turned the kitchens into a disaster area, returned, bearing a confection called a 'cheesecake'. Sadly, since changelings lack taste buds and digestive systems, no one could eat it save the emperor and his captive. Skyflower, curious, ate a slice.

4:01: Skyflower immediately ate all of the cheesecake, then proclaimed her eternal love and adoration for both the confection and its cook. She promptly climbed up Emperor McAwesometown's leg, then chest, then, upon reaching his face, began to engage in an action that can only be described as 'making out' with him. Emperor McAwesometown, while surprised, does nothing to stop her, and in fact began enthusiastically returning her drunken affections with his own equally drunken affections.

4:30: They are still making out. Shamelessly. In full view of everyone. The entire hive, almost as drunk as they are, cheers them on. Some couples around the room are trying to match them in intensity.

4:31: ...I really miss my mate. I wish that she was here to see this. A year she's been gone, and it still hurts, sometimes.

5:00: Lenny returns with puppies. In addition, he purchased dog food bowls, leashes, water bowls, toys, and sundry other canine accessories. Given that he has proven himself able to think ahead, even when heavily intoxicated, I have chosen to, once sober, consider him for a promotion. He may be officer material.

5:01: Correction: Lenny is a she. She prefers that it be spelled 'Leni'. She's... kind of cute, although that may just be the beers talking.

5:05: The puppies prove to be as loving as the emperor claimed they'd be. I cannot begin to describe how happy this makes me. Why hadn't we thought of this sooner? All those wasted years...

5:06: Emperor McAwesometown commands that we find someone to perform a wedding. He and Skyflower have chosen to be wed this very night, and is currently working with the unicorn to turn some of the gold from the queen's throne into a pair of matching rings for them to wear. Leni promptly leaves with others in tow. I hope she comes back soon...

5:09: Leni returns with an earth pony named Cheese Sandwich, who had apparently been in the area, trying to locate our celebration. It turns out that Mister Sandwich is able to perform weddings. He is also a notary, surprisingly enough, and is able to provide a fully legal wedding certificate and a prenuptial agreement for the happy (yet also incredibly inebriated) couple.

5:15: It turns out that I'm the type who cries at weddings. This comes as a surprise to me. Leni thinks that it's cute...

5:30: The emperor and his bride are now wed. They promptly depart for the queen's bedchambers, to... 'consummate' their union. That cannot possibly end well, but I am not able to stop them...

5:31: Within a second of having entered the room and shutting the door, both husband and wife are snoring loudly. Thank goodness. I have no idea what might have happened if they'd actually followed through on their plans. Speaking of plans, Leni has been giving me a look for a little while now, and now that Lord Tirek is asleep, I think I should see what that look might mean. I should probably stop writing now, I seem to be writing anything that pops into my head at this point...

After reading the entire 'after-action report', I turned towards the commander, and said, "I need a bath. Is there anyplace that can accommodate my... 'prodigious proportions'?" I needed some time to process all of this... or maybe just drown myself...

"There is a pond we often use for bathing behind the hive, Lord Tirek," Ash said with a bow. "I'll lead you there now."

As we walked, I asked, "So, how did it go with you and Leni?" Idle conversation, I hoped, would keep me from losing my tenuous grip on sanity at the moment.

Shrugging, Ash said, "A gentlebug never tells, sir."

I Swear, I Wasn't The Guy Who Blew Up Your House!

Well, I'll be honest with you, finally getting to see my reflection in the lake was a bit of bad news, good news.

The bad news was, I wasn't exactly handsome. My face was bright red, and while my beard was pretty righteous, the rest of it wasn't all that great. I mean, seriously, my first thought was 'Baboon'. I was a centaur with massive horns and a baboon's face. My eyes were kinda freaky, too: Pitch black with little gold dots as pupils. No wonder everyone seemed slightly terrified of me. I was scary as hell.

The good news? I finally got a look at my undercarriage.

There are certain factors that I had failed to account for, when I found myself in this new body. I mean, sure, I knew that I was large, but I wasn't fully aware of my... proportions, if you get my meaning. I hadn't realized just what it would mean to have the lower half of a horse, and especially not a giant one. Now, however, I'd finally had an opportunity to take in the full majesty of my new form. I would never need to compensate for anything, ever again.

So, after having obtained some soap, and made certain that I had privacy... I began to sing while I bathed. Which song? 'I've Got A Golden Ticket', of course. What, you thought that I'd sing 'I Just Look At My Enormous...'? Seriously? I have at least a little class. There might have been children listening!

So, yeah, that little revelation had helped me to look on the brighter side of things. Sure, I was stuck on a strange world in an unfamiliar body, but hey, I was apparently the emperor of the changelings now, I had more muscle than a body builder convention, and my magic wand had been upgraded to a Rod Of Lordly Might. This was shaping up to be the best day ever. Maybe I was still a little bit unhinged by the revelation that I was now married to a unicorn, and I had a pretty nasty headache, but I couldn't help but smile.

Finally, things were going my way.

That was when I first heard the sound of impending doom. Daaaa dun.

Looking around, I spotted the strangest thing. A moment ago, I was certain that I was alone. Now, sitting at the lakeside was an orchestra. An orchestra of ponies. As I tried to come to grips with the strangeness of this, a cello player ran his bow against his instrument again.

Daaaa dun.

That was when I saw the shark fin.

Now, I've said it before, and I will say it again: I went to college. I'm a pretty smart cookie. I know, for a fact, that sharks are saltwater exclusive. More importantly, this was a pond the changelings often used for bathing. I would hope that, if there was some sort of freshwater shark in there, they'd have the decency to warn guests of that fact. Hence, this was not a real shark, and this was not an ordinary denizen of the lake.

The orchestra began playing the theme from Jaws as the not-shark began circling me. Thing is, I know the theme from Jaws, and the one playing this little game with me seemed to have a flair for the dramatic (Obviously), so it would stand to reason that he'd only attack at the moment when the song reached its crescendo. I waited patiently, and sure enough, just a moment before the song reached its dramatic peak, the shark dipped out of sight...

I immediately turned around, and threw a punch behind me, hitting the leaping shark directly on the nose. Now, like I said before, I was in the boxing club. I wasn't a heavyweight, given that I lacked the mass for it. I lacked the upper body strength to make me a serious contender. However, I was able to hold my own pretty well, partly because I was very good with my footwork, and could bob and weave like an expert. Oh, and also because, while I might not have had a Tyson-level haymaker, I had worked on my punches until my form reached near-perfection. I had won over half of my matches, but only by TKO or decision. I never managed to knock someone out in my three years in the boxing club. Now however?

Combine all of what I just said with my new muscle mass, and... well, let's just say that, when I hit that shark, it became a flying fish. The now aerial predator flew across the length of the lake, skipping twice along the way, before finally falling back into the water with a splash.

Watching the area where mere opponent fell, I brought up my guard. I had a sneaking suspicion that this wasn't over by a long shot. I was right. Within seconds, a shape began to rise out of the lake, seemingly a mass of water with two eyes colored red and yellow, and a mouth with a single fang sticking out. An irritated scowl on his face, the attacker asked, "So, you like to box, do you? Well, let's see how you deal with this!"

The water exploded off of my assailant, and I saw a disquieting sight. The main body was a large fleshy mass, but from the water around it sprouted eight tentacles, each one ending with a bright red mitt. I could hardly believe it...

My unknown assailant had just transformed himself into every pugilist's secret nightmare: An octopus wearing boxing gloves.

I looked down, and was surprised to see I wore mitts of my own. Meanwhile, a pony in a referee costume and holding a bell appeared on the shoreline, then announced, "DISCORD VERSUS LORD TIREK!!! ROUND ONE!!! FIGHT!!!" The bell was rung, and the fight was on.

Skyflower gave a happy little noise as she enjoyed the almost decadent softness of the bed, slowly entering that happy place between waking and sleeping that one can only find on a really good mattress. It should be mentioned that Skyflower is one of those rare people who never gets a hangover, no matter how spectacularly smashed she got the night before. She also has perfect recall, that being the ability to remember, with supreme detail, anything and everything that she has gone through, even after a night of heavy drinking. That gift can sometimes be a terrible curse, especially after a night of heavy drinking. That is why, once she's fully awake, she will not be happy.

However, that won't be for another three minutes, so for now, all is right in the world.

Giving another 'Mmmm' of bliss, she slowly began to stir. Smacking her lips a few times, more out of habit than conscious thought, she said, "Evergreen, do be a dear and fetch me my robe." She then extended a hoof, and waited.

After a moment, a deliciously soft robe was placed upon her hoof, and Skyflower rose from bed, and without opening her eyes began to dress herself. The robe seemed a little on the large side, but it was of such magnificent quality that she couldn't bring herself to complain. "Thank you, Evergreen. Now, please be a love and brush out my hair."

After a few seconds, she felt a brush being run through her mane. It was a little bit rougher than she was used to, but overall it was a pleasant experience. Skyflower supposed that even the best maids had a bad day now and again. Opening her eyes with a yawn, the mare took in the surroundings, and came to the unpleasant realization that, no, she wasn't back at her room in father's estate. Memory, like a tidal wave, came flooding back. Drawing in a deep breath, and forcing back the urge to scream, she asked, with spectacular calm given the circumstances, "You're not Evergreen, are you?"

A feminine voice behind her said, "No, your grace. My name's Leni. Sorry."

Skyflower gave a long sigh. Of course she wasn't Evergreen. Evergreen was... a long time ago. Well, she only had the bedding to blame: The soft bed had brought back memories of a softer time. She supposed that it was better than a hard military cot or the cold dirt that she'd grown accustomed to in the army: The cot brought back memories of the cage, and the hard dirt brought back memories of the cellar. Neither one was pleasant to recall...

After a moment, the mare asked, "Did I really marry Lord Tirek last night?" She could always hope that she'd dreamed it, after all...

"Yes, your grace," Leni said with a giggle. "You most certainly did. I know, I was there: I was the maid of honor, in fact."

Oh, yes, that's right. She was. And the commander, Ash, had served as the best stallion. Skyflower had to admit, it had been rather touching to see the changeling cry. The fact that half the hive had been weeping shamelessly as well had been enough to move her to tears herself. But now, there was a little bit of a problem.

Letting out another sigh, Skyflower said, "My uncle is going to kill me..."

"He would have to get through the entire hive, first, your grace," Leni said without a trace of hesitation. She said it without a trace of doubt: It was meant, not as words of comfort, but rather as a statement of fact. "You are the bride to our emperor now. That means you are under our protection, for so long as you live."

The mare gulped, simultaneously moved by that statement, yet also more than a little terrified by what that might mean for the changelings in general. After a moment, she said, "You don't know my uncle. He was... well, extremely backwards. He was a firm believer in the 'Unicorn Master Race' rhetoric, and thought it would be better for ponykind to freeze than to soil their existence by breathing the same air as 'Mud Ponies' and 'Feather Dusters'."

Conversationally, Leni asked, "That bad?"

Skyflower nodded, then said, "When I was a filly, I played with an earth pony colt for a few minutes while he was not looking. When he found out, he threw me down the cellar steps and locked the door on me. He left me down there for three days... with two broken ribs." She hesitated, then added, "I never saw the colt again, but his parents had a funeral service a few days later. And that wasn't even the worst thing he ever did..."

Skyflower felt the changeling begin to do up her hair, and as she did, Leni said, "Milady, your uncle would first have to hear about your wedding, and it is unlikely that anypony would ever ask us about it. Then, he'd have to come here, and fight his way through an entire swarm of changelings before he could lay a hoof on you."

"You still don't understand, Leni," Skyflower said with a shudder. "My uncle swore that if I ever shamed the family name by marrying anyone other than a 'pure' unicorn, he would track me down and kill me. The fact that Tirek isn't even a pony will just make things worse. Neither excuses, nor distances, will mean anything to him. And an army? It would just make him angrier when he finally reached me." Shuddering again, she said, "Even the fact that he's no longer alive would only slow him down a little. He's the kind of stallion that wouldn't die, even if he was killed..."

Meanwhile, in the depths of Hades...

There was a stallion, locked away in a room. It was a very special room, given that it was made just for him. The rulers of the infernal realm often called 'Pony Hell' had spent over a thousand years getting it ready for his inevitable arrival. It had been a terrible fight, stuffing him in there, once he arrived at what was meant to be his final destination. Its occupant was one of the rare breed of ponies whose magic did not diminish after death. In fact, he seemed to grow stronger here than he'd ever been in life. However, the room in question was meant to be the perfect punishment, as well as the perfect cage, for one such as him.

Someone once said that perfection is not reached when there is nothing left to add, but rather when there is nothing left to be taken away. The rulers of Hades simply took that to its natural conclusion.

It was a room with nothing in it. On the outside, it was simply a door. Inside... there were no walls, no floor, no ceiling, no air, no matter, no energy, nothing. It was a horrendous, absolute emptiness. Forever. And in Hades, forever is a far longer time than in the world of the living.

It should have been perfect. Most ponies would go mad within days. They'd expected him to become a shell of his former self well before now. However, they underestimated their ward, and a few hours ago, after a certain couple said 'I do', they found that all of their preparations were in vain.

There was a stallion, locked away in a room. It was a very special room, given that it was made just for him. But he isn't there anymore. He's coming back.

Three rounds of boxing later, the octopus wasn't looking too good.

Let's be honest, here: Octopi are not well known for their punching ability. They're all muscle, no skeleton. That makes them excellent grapplers, but pitiful boxers. Without bones, the punches he threw my way were soft. Practically butterfly kisses, really. Sure, eight limbs gave him a premium of quantity, but sadly, his quality was lacking. Worse, while his rubbery body with no internal skeleton meant that attacking him was like punching a sack full of pudding, my quality was far better. My attacks were quickly taking a toll. Like I said, I know how to throw a punch, and I now had muscles to spare. Perhaps most importantly, I had a body that seemed built for soaking up damage like the world's mightiest sponge. I was like a tank with freight trains for arms. Mike Tyson, Sugar Ray, and Ali couldn't take me on, even if they fused together to become the perfect boxer.

Finally, after a solid uppercut, I knocked the octopus skyward, and he fell back into the lake with a massive splash. The referee began counting down...

"1... 2... 3..."

I honestly couldn't believe it...

"4... 5... 6..."

For the first time in my boxing career...

"7... 8... 9..."

I was going to win by knockout!

The referee abruptly winked out of existence. The water began to churn, suddenly, I was thrown out of the lake by what felt like an explosion. It took a moment for my head to clear. Rising slowly to my hooves, I waved away the steam, and looked over to the lake at my opponent. Then I looked up... and up... and up... and heard one of the most recognizable roars in cinema history.

Oh, that son of a bitch. There's unfair, and then there's unfair. The bastard had transformed himself into Godzilla. God-Fucking-Zilla!

I was in deep shit. There was no way I could fight something that big. I needed a solution, and I needed one quickly, before he stomped me flat. Channelling Emperor Kickass McAwesometown, I immediately did the one thing I could think of in that situation. The one thing that no one would expect. I pointed at him, angrily, and shouted, "BULLSHIT!"

Godzilla seemed to be taken aback by my proclamation. With a puzzled expression, he asked, "Excuse me?"

Still more than a little angry, I yelled, "I call 'Bullshit'! You cannot be Godzilla! You do not have the right to be Godzilla!" Seeing that my opponent was puzzled by this statement, I explained, loudly, "Godzilla is the property of Toho Co., Ltd! While he may also be on loan to TriStar Pictures, Warner Brothers Pictures, and Legendary Pictures, they are only able to use him with Toho's permission!" Crossing my arms over my chest, I gave the massive monster a withering glare, and asked/shouted, "DO YOU HAVE THE PERMISSION OF TOHO CO., LTD. TO IMITATE THE LIKENESS AND/OR VOICE OF GODZILLA!?"

How did I know all of that off the top of my head? I'm a monster when it comes to random trivia. My sisters banned me for life from Trivial Pursuit. I paid for college by appearing on Jeopardy... for three weeks straight.

Looking a little sheepish, the titan admitted, "No, no I guess I don't."

With a triumphant smirk, I shouted, "THEN CUT THAT SHIT OUT, BEFORE SOMEONE GETS SUED!!!"

Rolling his eyes, the Godzilla look-alike snapped his finger claws, and with a flash of light, he changed from one of the greatest monsters of the silver screen into...

Well, look, you've seen Discord, right? Do I really need to describe to you what he looks like? We'll be here all day if I do. I don't? Good.

The creature looked me over with an expression that was equal parts confusion and amusement, before finally saying, "You definitely can't be Lord Tirek. Tirek would never think to use that kind of an argument to stop me." Leaning his head to the left and then to the right, he gave a 'hmmmm', then said, "And yet you are. Curious. And yet also quite interesting. You are a puzzle, and I happen to like puzzles."

Glaring at the creature in question with an eyebrow raised, I reined in my anger. I was not about to start cursing at someone who could change into Godzilla at will. While my counterargument had prevented me from being squashed, if he decided to transform into a generic dragon or something along those lines, I was screwed.

I admitted, with a chuckle, "You're the second person to figure out on your own that I'm not him." Extending my hand, I said, "Name's Conrad. And you would be?"

The incredibly strange creature took my hand, shook it, and said, "Discord. Shall we step inside? We have a great deal to discuss."

Throwing You At A Mountain? Do I Look Like The Kind Of Guy Who'd Do That?! Wait, Don't Answer That!

Throwing You At A Mountain? Do I Look Like The Kind Of Guy Who'd Do That?! Wait, Don't Answer That!

Discord, once you get to know him, is a pretty great guy.

I mean, he might look like a bizarre hodgepodge of creatures, all mixed together into one incredible super-freak of awesomeness, but he has a great sense of humor. The fact that he sounds exactly like John De Lancie makes him even more fun to have around. Just, uh, don't let him have too much of the poko. Phenomenal cosmic power plus a lack of inhibitions does not end well. Anyone who was at the bachelor party can testify to that.

Ah, but I digress.

Discord and I decided to hold an information trading session in the throne room. I was, at first, a little worried by the fact that he had admitted he had been sent here as a spy, and to capture me if possible. Wouldn't you be? I mean, Discord was able to transform into Godzilla: How powerful must his master be, to be able to keep him on retainer? However, Discord was able to put my fears to rest. His mission, first and foremost, was to gather info. Capturing Tirek had been a secondary objective, and he knew I wasn't Tirek: Tirek was nowhere near as polite or sociable as I was. I got the feeling that there were things that he wasn't telling me about the magic-stealing asshat, but I was willing to let the matter slide. Given that Discord had been attacking me immediately upon his arrival, rather than sneaking around and spying like he was supposed to, I suspected that the two of them were not the best of friends.

The two of us sat at a table, brought in for the specific purpose of our meeting. Commander Ash and the rest of the changelings seemed to view me with something akin to religious awe now: I'd just gone toe to toe, or maybe hoof to whichever leg Discord would step forward with, with someone who could transform into Godzilla. And not only had I survived, it had seemed, to those who had been watching from the hive, that I had won. Hey, if you watched Joe Louis challenge Cthulhu to a boxing match, and saw him knock the abomination out without breaking a sweat, you'd probably start worshiping him, yourself.

I keep coming back to the 'Discord transformed into Godzilla' thing, don't I? Sorry. I'll try to keep that under control.

GODZILLA GODZILLA GODZILLA GODZILLA GODZILLA GODZILLA!!! Okay, it's out of my system now. Back to the meeting.

I steepled my fingers together, and said, "What would you like to know, first?"

Discord snapped his fingers, and conjured from nowhere a cup of tea, complete with a little saucer, then took a sip. After a moment, he asked, "So, why are you Lord Tirek?"

Shrugging, I said, "Beats the hell out of me." After a moment, I added, "The last thing I remember is standing on a street corner, waiting for the traffic light to change. This little kid and his mother come over to wait, too. The kid was bouncing a ball up and down..."

Raising an eyebrow, Discord asked, "Really? Was the child's mother an idiot?"

With a snort, I admitted, "I was thinking the same thing, myself. Thing is, I think that she just wasn't thinking about it. Maybe she was afraid of making her boy cry if she took the ball away. Either way, while the mother couldn't see what would happen, I could. When the ball slipped from his grasp, and he started dashing after it, I grabbed the kid's collar, spun, and threw him into his mother's arms. It was a pretty tight maneuver, if I do say so myself, except..."

Discord, with a chuckle, asked, "You slipped?"

"Exactly," I replied with a chuckle of my own. "Not sure what I slipped on, but yes, I slipped, big time. I fell right into oncoming traffic, namely a multi-ton semi truck going way too fast to be sane... or survivable. After that? Next thing I can remember clearly is waking up in a forest clearing, with a changeling in my face. From there, things started getting crazy..."

"So that's how it happened," a feminine and familiar voice said with a surprising little giggle. I turned to see Skyflower walking in, a changeling I didn't immediately recognize walking behind her, carrying a bucket of soapy water. The name tag she wore (I later learned that those were a gift from Cheese Sandwich. A professional party planner should always have a stack of blank name tags available, in case of emergency) proclaimed her to be named 'Leni'.

Behind them, the commander walked in, carrying three chairs on his back. I did a double take when I saw that: Sometimes I forget just how strong the residents of this world can be, in spite of their somewhat smallish stature. An adult stallion in excellent physical shape can tow a house, I'm told. I'd pay good money to see that.

As the commander began placing chairs, he said, "I suspected that you were not the real Tirek for some time." At my shocked expression, Ash chuckled, then said, "Forgive my saying so, sir, but you would make an awful poker player. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. As soon as I witnessed your reaction to the queen's undoing, I knew that you were not Lord Tirek, or at least, not the one that Equestria knows." After he finished placing chairs, he added, "However, I simply suspected that you were a member of the same species, rather than someone else in Tirek's body."

"You seem to be taking this revelation surprisingly well, Ash," I noted with something like shock. I'm sorry, but in a way, this case of mistaken identity had been something akin to a fig leaf: It was just about the only defense that I'd had in this crazy mixed up world I'd found myself in. Now I stood naked under the view of the entire world...

With a shrug, he said, "This is Equestria, milord. Forgive my language, but crazy dung happens here every single day. The fact that you're 'riding' Lord Tirek's body isn't even the craziest thing to happen this week."

With a giggle, Skyflower added, "What he said." Strange, she was sober, yet she had not reverted to her 'spoiled aristocratic brat' behavior as I had expected her to. I was beginning to wonder whether the way she was acting at the start of all this was her true self, or just a persona she'd taken on while she was playing the role of commanding officer. Hell, maybe I just caught her on a bad day? It was hard to say.

Clearing my throat, I said, "And yet, you and your people chose me to be your leader."

Smiling, the commander said, "Thank you, milord."

Confused, I asked, "What for?"

Clearing his throat, the commander said, "For calling us 'people'. Most 'people' just call us pests, bothersome insests to be swatted away. You... may not realize this, but changelings are not a race welcomed with open arms in most places... or any place at all, really. That is the main reason the changelings have spent their existence in the shadows. Our queen, in her own demented way, might have been trying to change things, but if so, her method would have changed us from pests into monsters, to be hunted down and exterminated." He paused, then said, "But you..." Ash stopped, seeming to be at a loss for words. It is a strange thing, seeing a changeling all choked up...

"You treated us better than even our own queendid," Leni said, picking up the slack. "You called us people. You gave us names. You taught us a way to fend for ourselves without hurting or deceiving others. Without a queen, we would normally be a boat without a rudder, adrift without direction or guidance. Without hesitation, you gave all of that to us, and much, much more. You gave all of us hope for a tomorrow that might be better than today! And you did all of that after drinking enough poko to drop a dragon! We all look forward to what you can do, now that you're sober again!"

Discord burst out laughing at that last part, as did Skyflower. I admit, I gave a few embarrassed chuckles myself. But in a way, I was slightly unnerved by their praise. Honestly, what all had I done since I arrived here? I'd had an indirect role in defeating the queen, yes, but that was mostly a ploy by Ash, meant to get her to reveal her misdeeds to the hive. All that I personally had accomplished within the last twenty-four hours was mock a military official in front of her troops, nearly get myself killed by refusing the demands of a deranged tyrant, then got drunk, and started doing a number of random, crazy things... and the changelings loved me for it.

...And I was completely at a loss in regards to where we should go from here.

My degree was in structural engineering, remember? It wasn't in management, or in politics. I know how to build things, not how to lead people or forge nations...

But then again...

A smile came to my face. All the changelings really needed was a direction, right now. They'd been without a queen before, right? They knew, for the most part, how to get by, even without a sustainable love supply. What they wanted, though, was more that getting by. They needed someone with a vision, not a plan. In my drunken eloquence last night, I had touched upon something that the changelings had secretly desired for a long time: Civilization. That's a pretty long-term project, but I had a good idea of where to start...

"Well, that's a scheming face if I've ever seen one," Discord said with a chuckle, breaking me out of my reverie.

With a chuckle of my own, I said, "I'm not scheming, I'm planning. Huge difference." Turning towards the commander, I said, "If you could please have someone fetch some paper and a pen, if you have them available? I have a few ideas I'd like to jot down while they're fresh in my mind."

Ash saluted, then rose, walked to the doorway. As he did so, I turned towards Discord, saying, "I hope you don't mind if I work while we talk...?"

My train of thought was interrupted by the fact that there were now two Discords, sitting side by side. With a smile, he/they said, "Oh, don't worry, I understand completely. I'm all about multitasking."

Meanwhile, at Canterlot Palace...

Celestia watched the proceedings with interest. When Discord, or perhaps just a copy of him, appeared in her throne room with urgent news, she'd been worried. Now, however, she was... curious. Intensely curious.

As the Discord clone used a movie projector to display the proceedings in real time, she ruminated upon this strange development. So, while it may be Tirek's body, it was this... 'Conrad' who was in control. He seemed pleasant enough, she supposed, all things considered, but the description of the event he said led him to his current state implied that his original body was likely dead. A pity, that. More importantly, there were none of the signs that might imply that two minds inhabited a single body. Usually, in such cases, there would be a visible struggle for control from time to time, especially between two individuals of such spectacularly different personalities. That being said, if the true Tirek's essence wasn't there, then where was he?

And who had arranged all of this in the first place? Who could pull a spirit from the ether, separate Tirek's essence from his body, attach 'Conrad' to it in the owner's absence, and then provide the formerly drained 'Tirek' with enough magical power that he stood above all other creatures, except perhaps herself? There were only perhaps a dozen wizards in the known history of the world who could do all of that, and all of them had passed centuries ago. Twilight Sparkle might one day gain enough strength and control to manage such a masterful combination of spells, but that would require decades of study. As it was, Twilight still managed to sometimes make mistakes with even extremely basic spells. Of course, Starswirl the Bearded himself would sometimes make an error from time to time, but...

Of course. There could still be one wizard who could perform all of those spells. No one had ever confirmed his passing, after all...

"...and after that, both of them fell asleep, snoring so loudly it rattled the entire hive!"

Discord burst out laughing again, holding his sides and nearly falling out of his chair in glee. Skyflower was blushing almost incandescently red now, and I admit, I was a little bit embarrassed myself. Unlike the after action report, Leni had spared no details in relaying what had happened last night, and had not hesitated to give her own theories as to what might happen if we'd actually... consummated our union. I swear, I'll never look at a water balloon the same way again. Ewww...

I'd not actually given much thought about what the... size difference between my current state and others would mean regarding romantic prospects. I mean, I was new in a world where almost every creature walked on four legs. Let me remind you that, as a human, I was raised under the whole 'Two Legs Good, Four Legs Bad' dating philosophy. But one has to wonder where that mindset stands on a planet where everyone, including yourself, is a quadruped, sapient, and able to give verbal and even written consent to the act beforehand. Normally, I wouldn't be considering these things, but I was now married, and my wife...

That was another thing. I had expected Skyflower to have been raising hell by this time, demanding a divorce and/or my Rod of Lordly Might on a silver platter with a side of fava beans. Instead, she seemed almost painfully cheerful. I had a sneaking suspicion that she was hiding something while our guest was here. Too much was failing to add up right now...

But, while my mind was a congested mess of worries and concerns, my hands were busy sketching. It was just an idea, just the rough draft of a rough draft really, but as my quill danced upon the parchment, it was already becoming something more...

Ash, I saw out of the corner of my eye, was watching my work with a combination of awe and disbelief. I don't know if he really understood then what it was that I was designing yet, but he was starting to get an inkling of its scale...

There's so much you can do with a masters in structural engineering, and the discipline has been around for a long, long time. The designers of the great monuments, palaces, fortresses, and cathedrals of the world had to understand at least the basics of the art (And yes, it can be just as much an art as a science) in order to create the things that they had. Everything from the Great Pyramids to the Eiffel Tower, from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Statue of Liberty, from skyscrapers to apartment complexes, only stood because someone, somewhere, knew how to build things that didn't collapse in on themselves, no matter what.

I was creating a city, one building at a time. I was designing an Emerald City, to match the palace that I currently occupied. I'd need to put my head together with Ash and whoever was in charge of originally designing the palace, so I could work out just how long it would take to generate the green changeling 'crystal' necessary to craft it, but there, at that table, I was drawing the blueprints of the future...

"My goodness," I heard Skyflower whisper quietly, looking at my designs with an expression of awe. "When you think big, you think big..."

"Is that what I think it is?" Ash asked, his expression one of pure disbelief.

"It's the plans for a city," I admitted, as I finished the latest sketch. "I recall you saying to the queen, before the hive... dethroned her, that there had been a ban on egg hatchings, right?"

Ash nodded, then said, "Aye, milord. Changeling eggs, once laid, can last for... well, legends say for centuries, but we don't allow eggs to sit idle for that long. They won't hatch, however, until given enough love to 'prime' them. We've... not officially lifted the ban yet, but the end is in sight."

Smiling, I gestured towards the designs on the desk. "That, combined with the fact that you'll no longer be constrained by an extremely limited food supply, means that you'll be experiencing a monumental population explosion soon. Long story short, you're going to need to expand, or this palace will be full to the point of bursting in the near future. So, I'm designing a city where you and your descendants can live."

Leni, her eyes wide, whispered, "A city for changlings..." The way she said it, it almost sounded like I'd just proposed to put a changeling on the moon, or to colonize Mars...

"A city," I said, putting the final touches on a design for a gateway into the city, "for everyone." At her surprised expression, I explained, "You can't lock out the world. It's been tried. It doesn't work. You have to let the world in, or it will start banging on your doors, demanding entry. And believe me, the world can bang hard and loud." Smiling, I added, "But yes, this will be the first city built by changelings, for changelings to live in." With a final flourish, I put a sign over the gateway. A welcome sign. On it were three simple words...

"Welcome To Oz!"

Well, I designed it, I figured that I should be the one to name it. What would you name an Emerald City? Seattle? Besides, as long as you were referencing the book and not the movie, the name Oz was public domain. Yes, really. I looked it up myself one day while I was bored. Trivia monster, remember?

"It's audacious," Discord said with a low whistle. Smiling, he added, "I like it!"

The meeting dragged on for a while longer, as Discord, Ash, Leni, Skyflower, and I discussed things. I was beginning to get the impression that Discord might be relaying the details of this discussion to whoever he actually answered to. Well, that was his business. Honestly, I didn't have anything to hide, and neither did the changelings.

I think that, of everyone present, Skyflower had the hardest time adjusting to how things were turning out. Strange as it may sound, but she seemed to have a rather... old fashioned mindset. I chalked that up to having an aristocratic background: Most aristocrats I've heard of tend to be pretty conservative...

As the sun began to set, Discord stood, stretched, and said, "Well, this has certainly been an enlightening experience. Not at all how I expected this day to go, honestly. Still, I have always loved surprises, whether they're for me or for someone else." He extended a hand, smiling. "But I am sorry to say I must be going."

I took it and shook it, and said, "It's been a pleasure having you here, in spite of the rocky start. Feel free to come visit us again."

Laughing, Discord said, "You know, most people hesitate before extending that offer to me. I may take you up on it soon." After the handshake was done, he said, "But I must be off. TTFN: Ta ta for now!" With that, he snapped his fingers, and vanished.

Back in Canterlot...

Celestia blinked, surprised to see Discord levitating over her head in a position of relaxation in her throne room. Yawning, he asked, "Well, I liked him, and that's not something that I say lightly, especially after losing an impromptu boxing match. What did you think of him, Celestia?"

Her expression thoughtful, Princess Celestia said, "I think it might be the start of something grand. He's begun planning an operation at a scale that dwarfs anything done since the construction of Canterlot itself. Even if he has to tone things down to match the realities of the resources available, I expect that 'Oz' will be something to see, once it is completed. I will be watching how things proceed with great interest." Her expression turned more... worried, as she added, "But now, a very serious matter has come to my attention, one that I may soon need your assistance with. I do apologize for having another urgent mission so soon, but..."

Discord rolled his eyes, then said, sarcastically, "Right, right, no rest for the reformed. What is it this time? Has King Sombra risen from his grave?"

With a sad, weary laugh, Celestia asked, "However did you guess?"

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location...

It had taken time to pull his physical form back together, but he had not minded. After all, he was not the type to rush. Instead, he preferred a slow yet steady inevitability, like the tides, or like an oncoming storm, back in the days before the accursed pegasai began tinkering with the weather.

Hatred and fear were his milk and honey, and his hatred of all those outside of his species, and for those of his species who betrayed their own kind by... mingling their pure blood with that of the lesser races, was more than enough to revitalize his fractured form. It wouldn't be enough for a true resurrection, not yet. That would require an... offering, at a particular place, and at a particular time. However, he already knew just the pony to offer in order to finalize his return...

In the meantime, he was little more than a corpse, controlled purely through force of will. However, will was something that this stallion had in abundance.

A terrible smile crossed his slowly reforming face. It would be good to... finish things with the last remaining member of his bloodline. From there, Sombra would be moving on to bigger and better things... like the subjugation of all the non-unicorn races in the world.

"So, what's the deal with that bucket of soapy water?"

I admit, I had been curious about that bucket when I first saw it, but circumstances had prevented me from asking earlier. If it had been something she'd wanted to discuss in front of Discord, I assumed that she would mentioned it before now.

Skyflower looked a little sheepish as she replied, "There's something I needed to show you, since we're... married now." She'd hesitated on that last part, as if she was a little uncertain about it. Admittedly, I was uncertain about it, myself, but I wasn't willing yet to start that particular discussion yet. Picking up the bucket, she overturned it, spilling the contents over herself. The water, I now noticed, had a... lemony scent to it.

At my surprised expression, she said, "It doesn't come off unless I wash with soapy water with a twist of lemon. It makes it easy to remove when I need it to, but keeps it from coming off on accident."

I was about to ask her what she meant, when I saw her colors starting to... fade. Her florescent pink coat began to turn to grey, while her blonde mane turned pitch black. Popping herself on the back of the head with her hoof, she knocked a pair of contacts out, revealing the color of her eyes to be red, instead of blue. Her mark (I refuse to call it a Cutie Mark) remained a depiction of a fireworks explosion, and the rest of her body remained unchanged. Still, the difference between the way she looked then, and how she looked now was... striking. What can I say: I like brunettes.

"So... you dye your mane and coat? And changed your eye color?" I didn't see the reason for the drama, but I did notice that Ash had suddenly tensed, and Leni was looking at Skyflower with a look of shock that might otherwise have been comical.

"You really don't know," Skyflower said with a tone of disbelief. With a small giggle, she said, "Yes, I do, Conrad. See, I... share my color pattern with my uncle. He was a very bad pony, who did some very terrible things. So many that I, um, have been trying very hard to keep my relation to him a secret. There's not really a point to doing that now, though."

I still wasn't getting it. Ash, though, asked, "How in the world are you even still alive? You'd have to be over a thousand years old!"

Turning towards the commander, Skyflower said, "When my uncle launched his one-pony war on the world, I... tried to dissuade him from his course of action. Since I was the only family he had left, I thought that I'd have a better chance than anypony else to stop him. I... failed. We argued, and when he lost his temper, my uncle locked me in a cage in the basement of the Crystal Palace. After the Crystal Empire returned, a thousand years later... well, I nearly starved to death before anyone found me. After I recovered, I... well, it's a complicated story after that..."

Okay, now I was thoroughly lost. "I'm sorry," I said, a little annoyed, "but would one of you mind explaining all of this to the guy who doesn't know what the fuck is going on?"

Skyflower looked a little embarrassed, seeming to have difficulty reconciling the fact that I was completely uninformed about Equestrian history, but Ash took the initiative and explained. "My lord, I apologize. What she was trying to reveal to you was that she is a blood relative to a pony known as King Sombra. He is, or perhaps was, one of the most hated, vile, and despicable villains that the world has ever seen. His cruelties are the stuff of legend. A thousand years ago, he conquered the Crystal Empire single-hooved. When the rulers of Equestria rose against him and used their combined magical powers to seal him away, he responded by banishing the city from space and time for a thousand years. When it finally returned, after Sombra escaped his bondage, he tried to retake the city, but was destroyed."

With a weak laugh, Skyflower said, "Of course, my uncle wasn't the kind of pony to let a little thing like death slow him down. He was extremely powerful, and he had... views about unicorns who had relationships with anything other than another pure blooded unicorn. It was... well, back then, the alliance of unicorn, pegasus, and earth pony was but a few decades old, and some nobleponies still thought the coalition an abomination. My uncle was the same, but more extreme and violent about those views than most. He swore that he'd hunt me down and kill me if I ever even kissed someone who didn't match his impossibly high standards... along with anyone who tried to stop him, my paramour included."

Raising an eyebrow, I asked, "So, your uncle is a racist, no, wait, a speciest evil unicorn wizard who is likely to come back as a vengeful lich with the intention of killing you because you married a centaur?"

Nodding, the mare said, "That about sums it up, Conrad. Yes."

Rolling my eyes, I said, "I would say that this world could not possibly be any more bizarre, but I just met Discord earlier today. This is actually a step back towards normalcy, honestly. Still, I have to admit, this situation is getting a little ridiculous." With a snort, I added, "You don't happen to have seven evil ex-boyfriends that I'll need to deal with at the same time, do you? If you do, go ahead and say so. I won't get angry, I promise. We're married now, so it's best to get all of this stuff out of the way."

She actually looked surprised by that statement. Shaking her head, Skyflower said, "No, just the uncle. My, um, family history prevented me from having much in the way of romantic entanglements." Gulping, she added, "If you wish, I'll leave. My uncle's ire will, for the most part, be directed towards me, rather than at you. If I get far enough away from here, he'll likely not bother to track you down..."

I held up a hand, stopping her from speaking further. "Not happening. Even if we weren't married, I'm not the type to turn my back on a damsel in distress. You're staying here, at the very least until we get this nonsense straightened out."

Skyflower seemed startled by that announcement. She looked towards Ash and Leni, both of whom nodded in agreement with me. She turned back towards me, and...

Look, I wasn't an expert on pony facial expressions yet, so I really couldn't have told you then what it might have meant. She looked grateful, and relieved, yes, but there was something else there. Something familiar that I couldn't quite put my finger on yet...

My stomach growled, loudly. Skyflower's did, at practically the exact same moment. With a chuckle, I announced, "Now, I'm feeling a bit hungry, and I suspect you are, too. I'm going to make us something to eat. While I do so, you can explain why the niece of pony Voldemort ended up leading a company of army rangers through a forest in search of changelings." I chuckled again as I said that. Everything about this girl, er, mare, was turning out to be overly complicated. Then again, my father had warned me that the cute ones often did come with a lot of baggage attached. I suppose that's true, regardless of whether they're human, equine, or other...

With a small smile, Skyflower said, "I'd be happy to. In exchange, you can tell me who this... 'Voldemort' fellow was."

Meanwhile, in Sugarcube Corner at Ponyville...

Twilight Sparkle looked over at Pinkie Pie, and asked, "You're absolutely certain?"

Pinkie nodded her headed vigorously, producing a rattling sound, then said, "I sure am! Cheesy said that he performed a wedding last night. The bride was a unicorn named Skyflower, and the groom was a gigantic red and black centaur named Emperor McAwesometown."

While the name didn't match, it was almost certainly fake. Twilight gulped, her wings fluttering nervously. Of all the rotten luck. Tirek was free again, and by the description, he had already obtained a great deal of magical energy. Worse, it seemed that he'd allied himself with the changelings... and she and her friends didn't know how to reactivate the power that they'd used to defeat the fiend the first time. This had disaster written all over it. There was no time to waste...

"Pinkie, go wake up Rainbow Dash, then have her get the others. Have them meet me in front of my new home. We need to come up with a plan, then we'll need to go and hunt down Tirek and stop him before it's too late..."

A sorrowful expression on her face, Pinky said, "But Twilight, it's already too late! All the yummy wedding cake is sure to be long gone by now!"

Twilight facehoofed, then said, "That's not what I meant, Pinkie. Just go get Dashie and the others. Please?"

"Okie dokie lokie!"

I Know You Have No Reason To Believe Me...

Thankfully, the kitchens weren't in the same state that I'd originally left them.

While not true insects themselves, changelings are a tidy, industrious people. If there's a mess, they clean it up. No one even needs to say anything. There's none of that 'Somebody Else's Problem' or 'I'm Sure Someone Else Will Get That'. They see a mess, and they clean it up. They see a job needs to be done, and they get together as many other changelings as are needed, and then do it. In a way, it's like ants, termites, or other colony dwelling insects: Everyone knows, on an almost instinctive level, that they have a responsibility towards the overall upkeep of the hive, and they do their part without complaint. It's a level of civic responsibility that most other societies would envy, including equines.

Of course, some level of leadership is still needed. That's why leaders like a queen, or the commander, are needed. That's also why, even though I'd succeeded in using up the remaining food supplies last night, the commander had sent out a detachment to purchase food supplies, as well as the precooked meals that Skyflower, Discord, and I had for breakfast and lunch. The commander had seemed surprised that I intended to cook dinner for myself and for my wife, but after he and Leni escorted us to the kitchens, he kept silent about it. As a changeling, he wasn't going to question the eating habits or courtship rituals of another species, I guess.

Not that it was a courtship, mind you. I just wanted to get to know my 'wife' a little bit better.

Skyflower and I... we talked while I cooked. I told her about Voldemort, and what I could remember of the Harry Potter series. Given that it was a series she'd likely never get to read, I didn't bother keeping the ending a secret. In exchange, she told me her life story...

It's a long story, with a lot of interesting stuff, but too much to relay here. Not all of it is relevant. We'd be here all week if I told you everything she ever did, and it is a good deal more serious than the contents of this story would allow. I'll give you the basics.

King Sombra: What. A. Dick. Seriously, King Sombra is the dicktator of Dicktopolis, capital of the Dicknolian Empire, situated on planet Dickdick, which can be found in the Dicktrocious system, in the Megadick galaxy. If you looked up dick in the dicktionary, you'd see a picture of King Sombra with the label 'What a fucking dick'. I could go on all day, but I won't. But I could.

Skyflower's father, Blanco Brillante, was the epitome of a nice guy. He was the cultural liason representing unicorns in the lands of the earth ponies, back in the days when the alliance between the three pony races was in its infancy. He worked long and hard to ensure that peace would reign in the newly found Equestria, and he did a damned good job. It's a pity that no one remembers him: Sombra's evil ended up overshadowing everything that his twin brother and Skyflower ended up doing. You heard me: Twins. Equal, but opposite.

To keep things simple, I'll give you a short highlight reel, including a few personal notes I made, for the life that Skyflower lived up until now.

Year 0: Skyflower is born. Duh.

Year 5: Skyflower earned her mark after using a pyrotechnic spell to liven up a fairly dull celebration.

Year 8: Skyflower's father dies, as does her mother. Illness. She's absolutely certain of it. Her uncle had nothing to do with it. She checked. With no other living relatives, she was put under the care of her uncle. The very same week, he threw her down the cellar stairs and locked her away for three days, for playing with a young earthpony. Colt was never seen again. A week later, Sombra dismissed all non-unicorns from the estate that Sky's father kept. Thankfully, dismissed is not a euphemism: Skyflower begged and pleaded, and her uncle relented, letting the staff go unharmed. He'd originally planned to kill them all on general principles.

(Note to self: If I ever meet King Sombra, throw him down as many stairs as I can find.)

Years 9-13: Skyflower's life goes on. She learned very quickly to keep out from under her uncle's hooves, and to stay away from non-unicorns. She was only thrown down the cellar steps twice, and backhoof slapped twenty-three times, over this time period.

(Note to self: Educate King Sombra on how to properly perform a bitchslap, by slapping the bitch out of his bitch-assed face.)

Year 14: Skyflower left home, and joined the army. By this point, her uncle had sold just about everything that had been intended for her when she came of age. Amongst other treasured items included her mother's jewelry box. While many of the items lost hurt, this one was the one that hurt most: Some of those items had belonged to her family for generations, and were irreplacable. She had no idea what he used the money for.

(Note to self: If King Sombra has no problems with losing the family jewels, he should not complain too much after I've gelded him.)

Year 15: In spite of being penniless, homeless, and horribly underage, Skyflower has reached the rank of lieutenant in the army, and leaves the rank in the dust in less than three moons. The Equestrian army is busy, fighting monsters, tracking down bandits, and repelling invaders. Plenty of opportunities to earn fame, renown, and promotions for an ambitious pony. Skyflower was a rising star.

Year 18: Skyflower holds the rank of Knight Commander, one of the highest ranks in the Equestrian army. She is both the first mare, and the youngest pony, to ever hold that rank. Sadly, this was the year Sombra decided to reveal his overall dickishness to the world, and conquer the Crystal Empire. Skyflower tries to talk him out of this. It does not end well: Sombra locks Skyflower in a cage, where she nearly starves to death.

(Note to self: It is official. Hanging is too good for King Sombra. I swear, when I get my hands on him, I will braid his fucking limbs together, then tie a knot in his neck. And then... I'll really go to town on him. I won't go medieval, I will go fucking bronze age on his ass.)

Year 19 (Now): After being found, rescued, and nursed back to health, Skyflower re-enlists in the military. There were few other places where someone with her unique background could hope to succeed, outside of the Crystal Empire, and she wasn't exactly welcome there right now, due to her uncle's assholish behavior. Sadly, this is not the Equestria of a thousand years ago, and opportunities for advancement are much more rare. As such, she is becoming increasingly frustrated by her lack of progress. She was able to make lieutenant immediately, based solely on her abilities earned through years of military experience, but has not moved an inch beyond that. She volunteered for Operation: Bughunt, hoping for a chance to win some measure of respect, and possibly a promotion, if things went well. They didn't.

So yeah, she lead a really damned interesting life before she met me.

It explained a few things, like why her voice sounded like an aristocratic lady's from some sort of period drama: One thousand years ago, that's exactly what she'd been. It also explained why she'd thrown a fit when the granddaddy of all villains had shown up in front of her. If she and her company had caught me, that would have been her ticket back to her former rank, at the very least. When they refused to move? A full year of pent up frustration had caused her to blow a gasket. My prodding hadn't helped.

Oddly enough, that outburst, plus recent events, had helped to mellow her out a bit. After a year of constant stress, she'd had a chance to get drunk, let her hair down, and cut loose, and that had made her feel about a million times better than she had just two days ago.

"So, what about you?" Skyflower asked me, after about two hours of discussing her past.

As I finished the preparations for our dinner (We'd decided, after a small snack, to hold a picnic on the roof when the full meal was completed), I said, "Nothing so interesting. I wouldn't want to bore you." I hoped that she'd let the matter drop.

My hopes were in vain. With an odd expression that I still didn't fully recognize, she said, "Maybe I'd like to be bored for a little while."

Something in her expression told me that I wasn't going to get out of this. Rolling my eyes, I said, "Fine. My father was a certified public accountant. My mother was a lawyer. She specialized in divorces. Nothing spectacular, but it put food on the table. I have three younger sisters. Triplets. They were getting ready to go to college, before I ended up here. I made good, alright, I'll admit, very good grades in school. After I graduated from high school, a friend of the family pulled some strings and got me on a game show called Jeopardy. It was a show where you answered questions to earn money, and if you won more money than the other two contestants, you could come back again the next day and compete against two more for more money. I won for three weeks straight, before I had made enough to pay for my college tuition for the first few years. I had to take on a student loan to get my masters. While I was attending classes, I worked at a toy store to pay the bills, and I joined the boxing club to keep in shape. College took about, oh, eight years total. I had earned my masters in structural engineering a week before I arrived here."

In the contest regarding who had the more impressive backstory, she had me beaten in terms of length alone, let alone content.

As she picked up the picnic basket, she smiled and said, "Well, there's something to be said for the simple life, I..." Her expression turning concerned, Skyflower asked, "Are you alright?"

Taking a bite out of my own, I answered, "I'm alright. Why do you ask?"

"You're crying," she said, now clearly worried.

Wiping the tears away quickly, I said, "It's nothing. Probably just from the onions." Like I said, I really hadn't wanted to talk about the past: I died, remember? Even if I was alive here, I was dead back home. I wasn't going to be seeing my family, or any of my friends, ever again. If I started dwelling on that, I'd probably just break down and never start back up again.

Sorry. I know that that isn't very funny. I try my best not to be 'emo', but dammit, man, I have a heart!

"You know," Skyflower said, almost conversationally, "it has always surprised me how modern males seem to think that tears are a sign of weakness. Back a thousand years ago, it was anything but."

Desperate for a change of subject, I asked, "Really? Do go on."

Nodding, she said, "Oh yes. In fact, some of the bravest and most valiant knights of the age were known to weep openly when saddened. Sir Silver Lance wept for three days straight when his best friend and comrade in arms Golden Axe fell in battle, and was known to weep every time his friend's name was mentioned for years afterwards..."

As we began making our way to the roof, chatting all the way, I noted that our escorts had vanished. I was certain that they'd been with us just a few seconds ago...

Outside the kitchens...

Upon seeing the emperor's tears, both changelings had decided to give the couple some time to themselves. Thus, Leni and Ash began to patrol the halls of the hive. Ash, primarily out of habit, and Leni because she had plans for Ash after he had finished his nightly patrol. Sexy, sexy plans.

"I had not considered," Ash admitted, breaking the silence between them, "that he might have had a family and friends that he had left behind, ones he might never see again. He's done so much for us, and yet we know so little about him..."

After a moment's thought, Leni said, "We really should do something for him. You know, show him how much we appreciate everything he's done for us."

Ash stopped suddenly, then said, "That's a good idea." A corner of his mouth twitched up in a smile as he added, "In fact, I might know just the thing. I wonder if anyone is still awake, over at the armory. Ah, but first, we'll need to head over to the throne room. It's time that the queen's gaudy old throne was used for something useful..."

Sadly, the sexy plans would have to wait for a couple of hours, it seemed. Oh well, the night was young...

At the Tree of Harmony...

"Twilight, ah'm not sure if this is a good idea," Applejack said, as she, Twilight, and the rest of their friends gathered around the Tree of Harmony. "We really should be waitin' for Princess Celestia to reply to that letter you sent her."

"There's no time to spare, Applejack," Twilight said, as she began repeating the spell that she'd witnessed once before, while under the influence of the flashback potion. "Princess Celestia won't be awake until sunrise, and I couldn't reach Luna at the palace. We're on our own until sunrise. We can't afford to delay: By this time tomorrow, Tirek might be powerful enough to conquer Equestria all on his own."

Rarity, rubbing sleep from her eyes (She'd already turned in after a hard day's work when Dashie had started banging on her door) said, "Darling, while I'm just as scared as you are that Tirek could bring a disaster down upon our heads, are you sure this is the best course of action? We returned the Elements of Harmony to the tree specifically because it was losing power. If we remove them, we'll risk the Everfree Forest getting all... grabby again." She shuddered at the thought. All those spiky vines, plus a population comprised primarily of nudists, did not make for a fun combination.

"It's a risk we'll have to take," the princess said, as the elements finally came loose from the tree. "I doubt that the forest will start going crazy right away, so as long as we bring the elements back once we're done, everything should be fine." After a moment's pause, she admitted, "And unless one of you can figure out how to awaken the Rainbow Power, this is our best bet for stopping both Tirek and the changelings before someone gets hurt."

The others couldn't come up with a better idea, themselves...

At an undisclosed location...

Sombra was on the move. In order to minimize the effort necessary to keep mobile, he allowed his body to temporarily revert to a living shadow. In that state, he might have moved somewhat slowly, but he could easily circumvent any obstacles in his path with minimal effort. More importantly, at night this form was easier to keep hidden from magical detection: A shadow in pitch darkness blends perfectly with the natural ambient dark magic already present after sunset.

His return from Hades was certain to have been noticed: If Celestia and Luna came looking for him now, in his damaged state, it would prove a nearly unwinnable battle. No, he'd need to cement his return before then. His power was greater now than it had ever been, but the lion's share was being used to keep his body together. Once he was whole, he could utilize one hundred percent of his power, making him more than a match for either princess... or both at once, if need be.

Locking a master of fear and hate inside of Hades had proven to be a terrible idea. He'd absorbed so much power that he might have been able to ascend to an alicorn, provided he'd been willing to soil his perfect unicorn form with something as profane as wings. Still, all he needed was to offer one little life, at the right place and time, and the contract would be completed, and he would truly live again.

Soon...

At Sombra's previous location...

Luna watched with something akin to amusement as Discord began sniffing out the area, having changed his appearance to that of a bloodhound. As she waited, she pondered the news that Discord had brought to her, earlier. She was deeply thankful that this was not a true return of Tirek, naturally. And the fact that the changelings now appeared much more interested in creating a permanent, peaceful settlement was certainly a good thing. Still, she was itching for an opportunity to go and verify things for herself...

"I have his trail," Discord said, his tone uncharacteristically serious. Well, Sombra was a serious threat to everyone, his friends included. Especially his friends, given their role in defeating him last time. "But he won't be easy to track tonight," he admitted, irritated. "He's decided to cheat, and turned himself into a shadow. Until sunrise, he'll be almost impossible to hunt down. All I have is his general direction. After sunrise, though, it shouldn't be difficult to find him."

Luna sighed, then nodded. "Very well. Thank you, Discord. I'll be returning to Canterlot for now. I'll leave the search to you. When you do locate him, contact my sister and I first. Sombra has always proven himself to be crafty, as well as supremely powerful. It would be dangerous to try and take him on alone."

Morphing back to his normal state, Discord clasped his hands together and said, "Awww, you're worried about me? I'm touched. I didn't know you cared."

Luna narrowed her eyes briefly, before giving a small smile and saying, "I suppose that I do. Equestria just wouldn't be the same without you."

Discord snorted in annoyance that she'd not risen to his bait, but Luna was almost certain that she saw that he was blushing. Well, that was a surprise: For the first time, she'd succeeded in getting under his skin...

Smith, the armorer of the changeling hive, looked over at the throne, as well as the plans that both Ash and Leni had drawn up. After a moment's thought, he said, "Yeah, I could make it work. But just just gold and gemstones won't work. For someone his size, it'd end up being too heavy, and not very useful asides from ornamentation. 'Sides, the emprah doesn't strike me as the type to wear something that tacky. But..."

Ash and Leni, both hopeful, asked, "But?"

Turning towards a chest in the corner, he said, "We came across a stash of rare materials a while back, before the new queen was born. I'd originally planned on using it to make a suit of battle armor, up until we found out that she was the type to lead from behind. Way behind." With a chuckle, he added, "But given the little display that we saw this morning, the new boss is nothing like the old boss. It'll take a bit of effort, but I think I can have it ready by dawn."

The commander nodded, then said, "Thank you. I'm sorry about making you work through the night..."

Smith waved away the apology, and said, "I partied hard, then woke up late with a hangover, and yet I still feel better than I have in decades." With a smile, he added, "Besides, it's past time our emperor started looking the part..."

In Fact, I'm Pretty Sure My Words Are Falling On Deaf Ears...

So, there I was, having a picnic on the roof with my wife.

Would have been an idyllic scene, except for, you know... everything. I was a gigantic centaur with a pair of righteously metal horns. She was an admittedly kinda gothy, kinda metal unicorn. We were sitting atop a massive bug-pony hive made of green crystal in the middle of a forest, feasting on an admittedly very nice meal that I had prepared for us. I went with a classic: A garden pizza, one of my specialties. The Trifecta, my three sisters, were diehard vegetarians, as was my mother, so I learned a lot about vegetarian meals. Good thing, too: I had a distinct feeling that I wasn't likely to ever see a hamburger or a t-bone steak again, outside of a gruesome murder...

The pizza was a hit with Skyflower: She'd actually pre-dated the invention of the meal, and she found the idea as novel as it was delicious. The two of us ate in a companionable silence, admiring the starry night. For a while, it felt as idyllic as it should have looked. After a few minutes, we both broke the silence at the same time.

"About the wedding..."

Both of us stopped, blushed, then after a moment, Skyflower said, "You go first..."

Embarrassed, I looked away from her. I paused, then said, "I'm... really sorry about all of this. I mean, we both got super, super drunk, and we ended up getting married. I honestly don't remember any of it. And because of all of that, I've landed you in a massive mess." Looking back towards her, I said, "When things have calmed down, and we're sure your uncle isn't coming back, we can see about getting the wedding annulled if you want..." It shouldn't prove that difficult: We were both drunk. Hell, everyone in the hive was so drunk that the world's most drunken (and metal) centaur had seemed like the a reasonable authority figure. As said centaur, I shouldn't be complaining, but I honestly couldn't wonder what they'd been thinking.

Skyflower gave me a long look with that expression I still couldn't recognize, but seemed very familiar. After a moment, she gave me a small smile, and said, "We can talk about that later. For right now, I'm not in a hurry to go anywhere."

I nodded, then said, "Alright." Beyond that, I let the matter drop. Honestly, I still didn't know how I felt about all of this. Over the course of two days, I'd died, come back to life as one of the most feared villains in Equestria, accidentally helped topple a tyrant, got drunk, took over as the ruler of a species I only barely understood, helped improve their lives a thousand fold, married a unicorn I just met, got into a fight with Discord, whooped him until he decided to cheat, defeated him by invoking copyright law, and then sat down with him for tea. To say that the last twenty-four hours had been hectic was the greatest understatement of age. I'd played everything by ear so far, and done an admittedly awesome job, but I'd need to start planning things out, thinking things through, or else something was certain to explode in my face soon...

I was distracted by my reverie by the feeling of Skyflower suddenly leaning against me. After a moment, she said, "You know... I remember everything that happened last night."

That was news to me. "You do?"

She giggled, then said, "Oh yes. I've got a great memory. I never forget anything. And... I have to admit, you were impressive last night."

With a sad little chuckle, I said, "You're just saying that."

Prodding my side with a hoof, she said, "No, no, I mean it. I understand that you're probably not used to this body, but you need to remember that you have a very... commanding presence, the way you are right now. When you speak, others cannot help but listen. Beer Blaster's Equation aside, you could have been stone sober, and the changelings would have been hanging on your every word. It was the fact that what you said made sense, that your ideas worked, that was what made the changelings bow to you. If you'd just been another tyrant, I suspect that you'd have just been dragged outside in your sleep and left for my subordinates to stumble across in the morning. Instead, they view you as their leader, and more than a leader."

I'd not yet heard of Beer Blaster's famed Drunken Leadership Equation. Two hundred years ago, a drunken genius of an earth pony had deduced, in any gathering of any Equestrian, or semi-equestrian, species, the automatic leader of any gathering of drunks can be determined by a combination of size, loudness, and intoxication, regardless of rank while sober. Of course, there's a complex equation regarding how mass, decibels, and blood alcohol content compare to one another (Look, Beer Blaster spent years researching this stuff, and the full details fill a book three hundred pages long. It makes for an awesome read, but time and place, people!), but the long and short of it was, as the loudest, most drunken, and by far the largest individual in the room, I was automatic leader of the hive for the evening.

How awesome is Equestria that everything I just told you is the absolute truth?

But she was right about one thing: If I'd behaved like a total jackass last night (And I apologize to any real jackasses who might be in the audience), I wouldn't have had Ash and the others bowing to me today. I wasn't the leader because I'd claimed to be one, I was the leader because I'd acted like one...

If a living shadow could release its bowels, then King Sombra would have shit himself so hard that it would have launched him into the sky at escape velocity, and ended up being the first unicorn self-exiled to the moon through the power of explosive defecation. Instead, his whisper of "Celestia's rose-scented, honey-flavored dung" from his otherwise stoic lips was sufficient to convey his shock and horror.

That was Lord Tirek up there. LORD RUTTING TIREK!!! What in Hades was he doing loose? And why was he up there, next to Skyflower? They looked... familiar with one another. In fact, the look that she was giving him was almost... affectionate. No, it couldn't be...

Blood curses and balefires, Skyflower had gone and married the one being in the entire world that could potentially be a threat, asides from the princesses themselves, or maybe Discord...

Well, this was a new wrinkle. Sombra had a limited amount of time before his reconstructed body started to break down. He needed to collect Skyflower and transport her to the necessary place by midnight tomorrow night, or he'd be going right back to Hades, only this time without a 'get out of eternal agony free card'.

A frontal assault wouldn't work now. If Tirek saw Sombra coming, then all he'd need to do is drain Sombra's magic and it would be over. Still, there was always the oblique approach. Sombra had seen a troop of soldiers on the outskirts of the forest on his way here. Properly managed, they might make for a good distraction...

Twilight Sparkle looked up at the sky as they made camp for the night. It had been frustrating that they had to stop before they'd even come into sight of the forest, but they needed to rest. If they reached the changeling hive, but were to exhausted to do anything once they got there, then they may as well just hand Tirek the Elements on a silver platter.

Of course, so far as Twilight knew, the Elements of Harmony were practically useless to Lord Tirek. Still, better not to take a risk...

But it would be so much easier if she'd been able to reach Luna and Celestia. Not for the first time, Twilight was filled with self-doubt. It had all been so simple in the beginning: All she'd really wanted to do was learn magic from her idol, Princess Celestia. She'd not realized that becoming her student would have such... extreme consequences. Twilight hadn't asked to become a princess. It had simply happened. Then again, neither had Cadance. In fact, Celestia had mentioned, on a few occasions, how she'd wished that she didn't have all of the responsibilities of a ruler, that she could go out and have fun like other ponies. The responsibilities, the burdens of leadership, can often outweigh the benefits.

Some are born great, some seek greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.

No one had bothered to ask her if she'd wanted all of this. That was the worst part of it. She could understand why, of course: Sunset Shimmer had found out where the path she was being led down ended before she was truly ready, and tried to skip to the conclusion. Celestia would only bestow the gift of alicorn-dom to one who deserved it, but not to someone who hungered for that power. But a little warning might have been nice. You know, a little note attached to Starswirl's unfinished spell saying, "Oh hey, if you finish this, you're going to be turned into an alicorn, hope you don't mind." Instead, her friends had received the shock of their lives, and Twilight had suddenly found herself as a head of state...

She sighed, then flapped her wings a few times, restless. Well, how many times had she, when the situation had turned ugly, taken charge without being asked? She was the one who had gone in search of the Elements of Harmony, and had in fact been willing to go it alone, before her friends joined her. She was the one who had become the leader for Winter Wrap Up in Ponyville, and had ensured that every year, the entire event went without a hitch. She was the one who, when Celestia and Luna went missing, had returned the Elements to the Tree of Harmony in the first place. She might have been an egghead (And Rainbow Dash never let her forget that), but when the chips were down, and a leader was needed, she was the pony that came up with a plan. The one that led the charge. The one that saved the day. She might not have wanted the wings, but she'd earned them. She'd deserved them. Of all the ponies in the world, Twilight Sparkle was the one, the only one, who'd proven herself worthy of them.

She just wished that there was someone out there who understood what it was like, to suddenly find yourself in this kind of position...

Rainbow Dash nudged Pinkie Pie, and said, "She's doing it again."

Pinkie Pie giggled, then said, "Lost in her own little world." With a sly look, she added, "I've got the sombrero. Did you bring...?"

Dashie chuckled, then gestured towards her backpack. "Oh yeah..."

Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack all giggled, revealing that they'd also brought their own contributions. After all, there was always time for a prank amongst friends.

Half an hour later, Twilight Sparkle was surprised to find that she was wearing a sombrero, along with Groucho glasses and a Harry Trotter Scarf, and zebra stripes had been made on her coat with a magic marker... oh, and someone had put an apple in her mouth. She giggled to herself, and made a note to avoid getting lost in thought like that while her friends were feeling playful...

"You know," I began, a little sheepishly, "I've been wondering, but I've been afraid to ask because I'm certain that I'll sound like an idiot. Why are they called changelings?" Well, it just seemed strange to me. I'd yet to see their signature ability, after all...

Skyflower giggled, then said, "Changelings have the ability to change their appearance at will. They can make themselves look like anyone who is of similar size and shape."

My eyes wide, I asked, "Shapeshifters?" That was an incredibly dangerous ability: In a world where creatures like that existed, how would you know that the person you're speaking with really IS the person you're speaking with? "Ummm, you are the real Skyflower, right?"

Giggling, she said, "Yes, I promise, I'm the real Skyflower, silly."

A half-smile on my face, I said, "Oh really? Prove it." It might be a good idea to find out how to tell a pony from a changeling in disguise. That way, if she or my new subjects decided to prank me later on, I'd have a clue on how to tell the two apart.

Smiling, Skyflower's horn lit up, and a bolt of magic shot up into the sky. After a few seconds, it burst into a pyrotechnic display. That's right, folks: Fireworks. As she looked up at her work with a grin, she said, "With the exception of the queen, changelings can't perform magic spells. So, the simplest way to make certain that a unicorn really is a unicorn is to ask her to cast a spell. For a pegasus, ask her to do a loop de loop: Changeling wings aren't built for even the most basic stunt-flying. For an earth pony, just poke them: Changelings can only change their appearance, not their anatomy, so they're solid, instead of squishy, no matter what form they take."

With an admiring expression, I said, "I wish I could do that..."

"You can," Skyflower said, simply. At my disbelieving expression she said, "Lord Tirek was able to perform a number of spells after stealing magic. You may only be using his body, but you should still be able to do so."

An eyebrow raised, I asked, "How?"

Confused, Skyflower asked, "How what?"

Unable to resist, I answered, "How do I shot magic?"

But I Swear To You, I'm Not Lying!

I may as well have asked Skyflower how to clap my hands.

Magic, for those of you who don't know, has two modes of attainment. The first is the Instructive, the other is the Instinctive. Instructive magic requires that one study for years and years to master a large number of spells. This means that one has a great number of spells available, but it means that you have to spend a great deal of time learning and memorizing spells. Unless you have some sort of eidetic memory or something, it's unlikely you'll be able to remember all of the spells you've ever learned after studying them. Worse, being a wizard becomes a young person's game, since a failing memory caused by going senile can strip a wizard of his powers very easily.

The second method, the Instinctive, is the method that ninety-nine percent of current magic users prescribe to, including most unicorns. See, when a unicorn earns his or her mark, it is because they used their magic for the first time. Often, they'll use their magic for something that relates to their overall special talent. Thing is, they'll learn to instinctively cast a small number of spells, but, and this is key, they'll remember those spells easily for their entire lives. Even if their memory starts to go, an Instinctive magic user will still retain the ability to cast spells, becuase they know their small number of spells better than they know their ABC's. All magic users, even the ones who become Instructive, start out as Instinctives, and still retain that quality at their core.

Bruce Lee once said that he didn't fear the man who had practiced a thousand kicks once, but rather the man who practiced one kick a thousand times. An Insructive mage may have a broad general knowledge of how to cast a wide number of spells, but an Instinctive mage typically has perfect mastery over the few spells that they know by the time that they reach adulthood.

Skyflower, unlike her uncle, was a purely Instinctive magic user, so my admitting that I didn't know how to use magic caught her completely flat-footed. Well, flat-hooved... no, wait, hooves are already kinda flat on the bottom, so... dammit, nevermind. Simply put, she wasn't prepared for my question. I may as well have asked another human how to wiggle my toes.

Clearly confused, she asked, "Well, how do you use magic back where you're from?"

"We don't," I admitted, somewhat flatly. "Back where I'm from, magic is the stuff of myth and legend. We've had to make do without it."

There's a saying back home: Does Not Compute. It's a computer's way of saying 'That shit you just said contradicts everything I know to be true, and it just made my brain implode'. I never imagined that I could see a facial expression that could convey, so perfectly, that simple three word statement. And yet, on Skyflower's face, I saw that I had just blown her mind so thoroughly that I half-expected smoke to start coming out of her ears...

The lower eyelid twitching, she said, or tried to say, "But... what is this... I don't even..." Seeming to catch herself, she said, "But that's impossible. Magic is everywhere, in everything! It's in rocks, trees, and in the desert sands! Saying that there's no magic would be like saying that there's no air!"

"It's a different world," I stated, simply, "My home world has a different set of rules than this one." I pointed over to the pond nearby, which was shining silver in the moonlight. "Think of it like this: To the fish in that pond, everything is water. Even if they were able to think, would they be able to understand a world where 'everything' is air? Where, instead of swimming freely anywhere they pleased, they were bound to the ground with limbs incapable of movement? Where their lungs aren't even built to catch the air so that they can breathe? You might not be able to understand how a world without magic might work, but that doesn't change the fact that it does, just the same as the fish can live without breathing air, or you can live without breathing water."

After a moment, Skyflower nodded, then said, "Alright, I guess that makes sense. It must be a strange place, though."

"The pot calling the kettle black," I said, a half-smile on my face. "I can promise you, your world is just as strange to me as mine would be to you."

Skyflower gave me a look then, and after a moment, she said, "If it is, you've been taking things remarkably well..." The way she said it reminded me of the fact that she, like myself, was an individual stranded in a place not her own. Admittedly, I was a stranger in a strange land, rather than a pony out of time, but still, of all the individuals in the world, I was probably the closest thing that she had to a kindred spirit...

Let's take a moment to reflect on how sad that is, that the only person she had that she could make a genuine connection with is a giant centaur currently inhabited by the soul of a structural engineer. Go ahead, really reflect on it. I'll wait patiently right here. I'm cool like that. All done? Good. Let's continue.

Taking a deep breath, I admitted, "I doubt that all of it has truly sunk in yet. I mean, at first, I thought I was having some kind of weird dream. Maybe I'd survived the traffic accident, and was just in a coma in a hospital. Up until I woke up with a hangover, I hadn't believed any of this was really happening. Now, though, I guess it's just taking its time to soak in. There's a lot of things that I'll never be able to see or do now." Giving her a look of my own, I added, "I imagine that it took a while for you to come to terms as well?"

After a moment's pause, she admitted, "It took me about a moon to fully come to grips with what had happened. It probably took me that long because I was bedridden most of the time after I was found. It wasn't until after I was taken to Canterlot to meet with the princesses that I'd gotten my first real understanding of just what had happened. I..." She sniffled, and tears began to well up in her eyes...

If there is one thing that I can't bear, it's seeing a girl cry.

"...I'll never get to see any of my friends again," she whispered, weakly. "They're gone. Their children are gone, and so are their children's children. I've been away so long that even their tombstones are long gone by now. My family estate, or at least what was left of it, was confiscated by the kingdom after Sombra's defeat a thousand years ago, and the land was used to found a town called 'Ponyville'. No one remembers me or my father..." At this point, tears were flowing freely down her face.

As she began to degrade into incoherent, tear-filled babbling, I swept her up into a gentle hug. She tensed, briefly, and then she began to hug me back, her tears flowing like waterfalls... and I'm secure enough in my masculinity to admit that some manly tears were shed in sympathy as well.

That moment, I swore, whatever I had promised to do to King Sombra before, it would be nothing compared to what I would do to him now. I would make Marv from Sin City look like the fucking angel of mercy when I was done. Forget medieval, and forget bronze age. I would go Planck Epoch on Sombra's ass.

I stored that anger away, for the time when I might use it. For the time being, I just focused on comforting Skyflower. One should always have their priorities straight, and this I promise you, a girl in tears will always be my number one priority.

Flint was in a bit of a pickle.

The princesses had asked him to do one thing: Keep Skyflower out of trouble. When he'd read the report about her past, he'd thought that would have meant just getting her up to date on current events. He had not realized that his alleged superior officer would turn out to be like most young lieutenants: Suicidally eager for glory and a promotion. Flint snorted in frustration. Well, it was the same everywhere, and everywhen, right? A lieutenant's job was to invent increasingly impressive ways of getting their command killed, while it was the sergeant's job to make sure that no one died, except maybe the lieutenant if he or she proved to be too obnoxious. The lieutenant has his head in the clouds, the sergeant has his feet on the ground. That was the army in a nutshell.

But because Skyflower had gotten herself captured, Flint had expected to be able to say goodbye to his career. However, it seemed that, because of whatever had happened at the changeling hive last night (The sounds of celebration had been so loud, the Equestrian forces could hear them from here), the princesses had decided that, since it all turned out for the best and this had all happened specifically because Skyflower had ignored his advice, there would be no repercussions for what happened.

But that didn't mean that they were happy with him.

He'd have to find a way back into their good graces soon. While he had no plans regarding rising above a sergeant, there were worse things than being denied a promotion. There was the possibility of being reassigned, for example. He could end up being transferred to the border outpost out in the badlands. Or one of the bases in the Crystal Mountains. Or maybe the outpost outside of the ruins of Tambelon...

Flint shuddered. Being assigned to guard Tartarus itself would be preferable to the ruins of Tambelon. The stories that you heard from the guards who came back from there were fit to dye a grown stallion's mane and tail white.

Sadly, the sergeant was so wrapped up in his dilemma that he failed to notice the black shadow creeping into his tent until it was much, much too late...

Skyflower finally finished crying, and promptly fell asleep, snoring gently. It was an oddly comforting sound, really. Restful. At peace. As gently as I could, I carried her down to the 'royal' bedroom, and tucked her in. I, myself? I was too restless to sleep. I'd not gotten an answer regarding how to use magic, so I decided that it was time to do a little bit of experimentation.

Back up on the roof, I made a checklist of things to try, and began working my way through the various options.

I tried shouting the following: Bibbity bobbity boo, abra cadabra, hocus pocus, alakazam, klaatu barada nikto, open sesame, presto chango, sim sim sala bim, wala wala washington, azarath metrion zinthos, and mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho. Nothing.

I tried several lines of Klingon. Yes, I know Klingon, at least enough to get by at scifi conventions. Yes, yes, I'm a fucking nerd. Get over it. Anyways, it didn't work.

I made a series of hand gestures, up to and including throwing the goat, and making the rocker, the spocker, and various others others. No go.

I shouted "Hastur Hastur Hastur" as loud as I could. Suddenly, the skies rained blood, and a hole opened in the sky. A yellowish figure descended from the abyss beyond time, at once a humanoid figure in a yellow robe and a tentacled mass that hurt even to look at. It landed in front of me, and said, in a voice like a thousand screaming souls, "'Sup." Clearing my throat, I said, "Sorry, wrong number." The figure shrugged, then said, "It happens. No big." He/It then jumped back up into the sky. The hole vanished, as did the rain of blood, as if it had never been. I made a note to never, ever, forever do that again.

I pretended to be holding a sword, held my arms up high, and shouted, "By the power of Grayskull!" That worked exactly as well as you would have thought it would. Same with "Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats! Ho!" "Shazam" too. I considered doing the "Ancient Spirits Of Evil" thing, but after 'Hastur Hastur Hastur', I wasn't ready to try anything that, you know, might work in the worst way possible. I did try "AMAZING HEADBAND OF JUSTICE IN PLACE, AMAZING ARMOR OF JUSTICE PROTECT ME!", but I couldn't do that one with a straight face.

I tried to do a hadoken, a kamehameha, and the reigun. Nope. Not even a spark.

After an hour of trying, all I'd managed was to make a royal fool of myself, and nearly bring the wrath of the elder gods upon Equestria. As I panted for breath, I heard a slow clap behind me. I rolled my eyes, then asked, without turning around, "Exactly how long have you been there, Discord?"

Chuckling, the embodiment of chaos said, "I was already in the area, on an assignment. I came up here shortly after you summoned the formless horror from beyond the abyss of time and space, and stayed to see what else you might manage. Well done, by the way. I would never have thought of trying that, myself. If I was still in the 'causing chaos for my own amusement' business, I'd be tempted to give that one a spin myself."

Turning around to face him, I admitted, "I'd advise against it. I don't think all the elder gods are as understanding as Mister H was."

Smiling, Discord said, "I'll keep that in mind." He paused, then asked, "So, what are you doing, asides from racking up copyright violations?" The irony of that statement did not escape me, given the Godzilla incident from earlier today.

Sitting, I answered, "Trying to use magic. It is nowhere as easy as people seem to think it is."

His expression dumbfounded, Discord asked, "Is that all? If that's all you need, I suppose I could give you some pointers..." The hopeful expression that Discord gave me would have done justice to a puppy looking at a pork chop being dangled over his head.

Well, they do say that, when the student is ready, the master shall appear. "I'd be a fool to turn down that offer. Sure. If you can teach me how, I'd be grateful."

Discord snapped his fingers, and there was a flash of light. When he reappeared, he was dressed like Pai Mei from Kill Bill, complete with beard and eyebrows. At my surprised expression, he asked, "Would you prefer Mister Miyagi?"

We Don't Have Time For This!

I did, in fact, prefer Mister Miyagi, but I kept that to myself.

Discord is probably not the world's best teacher, but I will say this here and now: His lessons helped me get over the stumbling block that kept me from using spells. The most hilarious thing about it? He taught me by using basic logic.

Like I said earlier, magic users are seperated into Instinctive and Instructives. But the thing is, everyone is an instinctive at their core. Key among the instincts is the survival instinct: Instinctives immediately start casting magic when in danger, even if they've never used magic before. Following that logic, I should have been casting magic like crazy the moment the queen tried to kill me. The fact that I had not meant that something was getting in the way. Actually, it was two somethings. One was me, and the other was the body I was inhabiting.

Tirek, from how Discord described him, was a magic stealing asshat who seemed to get a kick out of destroying things. He was greedy, ruthless, and violent. In fact, he was pretty much flat out evil. His body, and the instincts that came with it, were conditioned to respond to his kind of mindset. I was, in all honesty, the absolute opposite of Tirek. Thus, my mind and instincts were unable to trigger my current body's magical instincts, and would never do so on accident, unless I did something drastically out of character.

That was a little disheartening. "So," I asked, after Discord's short explanation, "the fastest way I can begin to use magic is by thinking and acting like an asshole?"

Discord burst out laughing, and didn't stop for several minutes. I should have expected that reaction, given what I was beginning to understand about his relationship, such as it was, with Lord Tirek. When he finally regained control of himself, he wiped a mirthful tear from his eye and said, "I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but that is one option. I wouldn't recommend it, though."

"Obviously," I agreed with a chuckle. "But I take it that there's another option?"

Nodding, the embodiment of chaos said, "Oh yes. The thing is, you currently occupy Tirek's body. The magic inside is currently set at 'Tirek', rather than 'Conrad', which is why an accidental activation is almost impossible. However, at its core, magic is not a thing of the body, but of the mind and spirit, both of which are yours. So, there is a way to tap into your body's magic, but it will be a little tricky."

Raising an eyebrow, I asked, "How do I do it?"

A half-smile upon his face, Discord said, "You just have to tap into your 'self'." At my confused expression, he explained, "Well, unicorns awaken their magic when they find their special talent. While you might not be a unicorn, the principle is the same for you as it is for other magical creatures. Magic responds when you realize who you really are inside. All you really need to do is find your special talent, the thing that makes you... who you are, and you'll awaken your magical powers."

Flint and the troops were not having a good night.

Sombra, on the other hoof, was having a blast. Using his dark powers to oppress the crystal ponies had been a constant struggle, since their innate nature, that of love and hope, was constantly at odds with his powers of hate and fear. It had required ceaseless control and manipulation to keep his slaves under his control. Too little, and his slaves might break free; too much, and he might crush their fragile psyches completely. The perfect balance had been almost impossible to maintain, yet under his supervision, it had been achieved.

Here, however, he could really let loose. The ponies of the Equestrian army had a score to settle with these... changelings. While unfamiliar with these beings, Sombra didn't need to know much about them. All he needed to do was to pump the soldiers with enough hatred that they'd stampede into the hive in a raging fury. The attack would make for a perfect distraction.

He just wished that it wouldn't take so long. At his full strength, this would be the work of seconds. Instead, since he had to husband his resources very carefully, it would take hours yet for his power to fully infect the soldiers. At this rate, he'd not be able to let his new minions loose until sunrise. And even then, they'd be less slavish underlings who would obey his every whim, and more a rampaging mob that would only obey a single command...

Oh well, one cannot have everything one wants... at least, not yet.

It should not be this difficult to figure out who you are, deep down.

Seriously, ponies manage to find out who they truly are when they get their mark, which typically happens at an age of five. Reflect, for just a moment, on how obscenely absurd that is: Ponies reach a state of self-actualization at the age of five, without exception, although some take slightly longer than others. Worse, once reached, they almost never fall from that state. Most humans are lucky to attain self actualization in their lifetime, and it is rare for one to maintain it for the rest of their lives.

I suppose that was the trade-off they had to make in exchange for not having thumbs. A pity that humanity was not given that choice. 'Hey, which would you rather have: An extra digit that allows you to do more stuff than the average animal, or complete and perfect knowledge from preadolescence onwards regarding exactly what it is you're put on earth to do?' Screw thumbs, I'd pick the second option, even if it meant having a pink fluffy unicorn dancing on a rainbow branded permanently upon my hip. Wouldn't you?

So, while Discord left to take care of whatever assignment he'd been given (He'd stated that the mission was classified, and the princesses would be miffed if he'd disclosed the details to me), I sat down and tried to figure out just what my 'special talent' would be.

Meditation isn't exactly my specialty, but I decided that a little self-contemplation might be just the thing to set my magic off.

Who was I, really? Twenty-six years ago, I was born to two loving parents, Conner and Madelyn Conrad. Yes, my name is Conrad Conrad. What were you expecting it to be? My birth was unremarkable, no problems or complications. I'm given to understand I learned to crawl, walk, and speak within the expected time frames for an ordinary child. Asides from an early obsession with building blocks, I wasn't that special.

Ah, I felt a little twitch there. Why was that?

Continuing on, I reflected on my school life. Above average grades, I was put into a gifted and talented program... up until I realized that 'Gifted and Talented' actually meant 'You Are Forced To Do Extra Work, On Top Of What You Are Already Given', at which point I, through the use of shenanigans that I'd rather go too much into right now, made myself ineligible for the program. Heh, they never did figure out how I managed to trick that circus elephant into sitting on the gazebo. Ah, but I digress...

Look, my free time was precious to me, alright? Homework already took up to much of my valuable time, time that I could have used building Lego sets...

Ah, there was that tingle again. Maybe I was on to something there.

In high school, I found my calling when, as part of a class project, I was asked to build a bridge out of uncooked spaghetti noodles. To get a passing grade, the bridge had to hold at least five pounds. An A required a weight of fifteen pounds. I was having so much fun with it that I ended up going a bit overboard: My bridge was so solidly constructed that the teacher, a man weighing three hundred pounds, could stand on it, and even hop up and down on it, without the bridge doing more than creak a little bit. It ultimately broke at six hundred pounds of pressure, but it got me an A plus with extra credit. That was when I knew what I wanted to be.

The tingling became a trembling...

I'm not a wrecker. I'm not an annihilator, or a ravager, or a destroyer. I don't break things, I make things.

The trembling became a rumble...

It might not have been 'sexy', being a structural engineer, but it was something that could pay the bills, and then some. When I finished earning my masters, I could design just about anything. After The Lego Movie came out, the Trifecta started calling me Emmett, partly because of how much I loved to play with the toys in question, but mostly because I kinda looked like a human version of Mister Brickowski. I didn't mind.

The rumbling became a roar...

When I graduated from college, I knew, without a doubt, exactly what I was.

Above my head, a golden ball of fire appeared, and a beam of light shot up into the sky...

I'm a Master Builder...

In the sky above the hive, a series of images appeared, combined with a very familiar song.

Yeah, I was pretty sure that I'd never be able to call out anyone on copyright infringement ever again...

When the song finally finished, I heard someone behind me say, "Again!"

I turned around, and was startled to see Skyflower, as well as the entire hive, behind me, with expectant looks upon their faces. They might not look it, but those bugs could be ninjas when they wanted to be, and Sky was no slouch herself.

I shrugged, then started focusing. I needed the practice, and I doubted that Warner Bros was about to complain: I'd bough the DVD, after all, complete with special bonus features, and if I'd had it, with a tv and dvd player, I wouldn't have minded showing my new bride and my subjects the entire movie. In fact, I didn't need that now: I was like a magical movie projector, with the sky as my movie screen. So... why not show them the whole thing?

And that was why the hive, my wife, and I ended up staying up until midnight, watching The Lego Movie.

Twilight Sparkle woke up suddenly, to the sound of Pinkie Pie singing and dancing along to a strange series of images and sounds that were suddenly being broadcast across the sky. Within a few minutes, she was hooked, as were all of her friends...

King Sombra almost lost his hold on the Equestrian soldiers that he'd been corrupting, when an overwhelmingly powerful burst of pure positive energy roared through the surrounding area. It had almost possessed enough power to finish what the Crystal Heart had started...

Admittedly, it was a catchy tune, and the plotline of the story that played across the sky was... interesting, even if it possessed an overwhelmingly positive message.

Luna would normally have been upset by the sudden interruption of the night she had crafted for the citizens of Equestria, but after a few minutes of watching, she was just as engrossed as anybuggy in the hive...

Discord chuckled as he sat down, watching the sky with a bucket of popcorn. He knew that Conrad had it in him. It was just a matter of pointing him in the right direction...

While We're Arguing Here...

I woke up the next morning feeling good. Really good.

The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the changelings were all singing 'Everything Is Awesome'. I'd have to teach them Haddaway's 'What Is Love' later, along with a few others, just to keep things fresh, but for now, there was no better song for the changelings to be singing while they worked. What they were working on, I wasn't sure, but there was a definite buzz of activity to the hive that wasn't present yesterday. Everyone seemed happy, including Skyflower, who seemed a lot less tense than before. Maybe she just needed a good cry. Playing the tough, ambitious military officer seemed to have been taking a toll. It was nice to see that she was starting to relax...

I was the ruler of a small country, and the Equestrian princesses had given their tacit seal of approval for the changelings to stay, from what Discord had shared with me. My subjects were happy, there were dozens of puppies underhoof playing around and providing free love to everyone they saw, and both my wife and I were feeling better than we had in a good, long time. Things were finally looking up.

There had been a note in my bedroom, which Skyflower had translated for me. I still don't know how the hell you're supposed to read those squiggley lines that ponies use for writing. Anyways, the note said that Ash and Leni had a surprise waiting for me in the throne room. They promised that it was a pleasant one. My wife and I made our way there, anxious to see what they'd had in mind...

"Smith outdid himself," Ash admitted as he admired the gift, finished just an hour earlier. It was... it was a masterpiece. It was worthy of a king, an emperor, or even a god. Or perhaps even the king of god-emperors, if one existed. The mythril, the silver, the gold, the gems, the orichalcum, the adamant, the... well, everything came together into what could be only be called a symphony of metalwork. Had Smith been born a pony, he'd likely have been working directly under the princesses. Instead, he'd ended up mouldering away with the rest of his kind. Perhaps in the near future, his skills would be able to be put to better use. Dog food might be cheap, but it wasn't free, and it might be good to get some income flowing into the hive.

Lord Conrad was right: Money might not be able to buy love, but it can buy a puppy, which is basically in the same thing.

Leni, giggling, said, "Oh yeah. I can't wait to see his face when we give it to him."

Discord was back in bloodhound mode, after a sleepless night. He'd hoped that surveying the area before sunrise might give him a chance at locating Sombra. Sadly, random chance had failed the lord of chaos, and now that the sun was shining, he was starting to get a little worried. Why?

Because Sombra was moving, and making a bee-line for the hive... and he was not alone. Worse, he was aware that he was being tracked, and had put up some sort of barrier, preventing teleportation into or out of the area... as well as blocking communication spells. Discord would have to go about three miles in the opposite direction to be able to contact the princesses...

So, he split himself, creating a duplicate, sending it out to send a message to Celestia and Luna. Hopefully, they'd be able to break the spell from the outside once they arrived. In the meantime, Discord was forced to resort to using more... unconventional means of transit.

This was why both iterations of Discord were launching themselves out of massive artillery cannons.

Sombra slipped from shadow to shadow, moving along with the charging troops. Sadly, there was no disguising the fact that they were enchanted: The bloodshot eyes, the foaming mouths, and the incoherent shrieks of rage were all subtle hints that they were under the control of dark magic. The black and red auras that radiated off of them was a slightly less obvious sign. A pity. What documents were visible at the soldier's camp had indicated that a fragile truce had just formed between the changelings and ponykind. It might have been amusing to frame the princesses for an unprovoked attack, but needs must when Grogar drives...

The unicorn scowled at that thought. He'd have to hurry. If he wanted to cement his resurrection, then he'd have to obtain his target, then head to the ruins of Tambelon before midnight rolled around again. As much as he despised non-unicorns, the dreaded dark lord of Tambelor, the kingdom that had once stood in the land that eventually became Equestria, possessed power well beyond Sombra's own, even if he was locked within the realm of shadows for all of eternity. He'd proven more than willing to bestow boons of power to Sombra, in exchange for the souls of those who shared his bloodline. His father, his mother, his brother...

That one had been difficult, especially since Skyflower had decided to stick her muzzle in and investigate afterwards. Of course, a properly crafted curse was completely indistinguishable from a horrible disease, but he'd wished that it had not been necessary. A pity, though: He'd kept Skyflower alive because of the possibility that he might one day need to sacrifice her soul in exchange for his life back. However, this would mean that, unless he started siring offspring of his own, Sombra would have nothing left to bargain with if he needed something from Grogar in the future. Well, he'd didn't mind the process of creating an heir, but at this point in time, finding a pure-blooded unicorn on which to sire his offspring on might prove a challenge. Of course, since he planned on sacrificing them, any old pony could, objectively, do, but he wasn't about to soil his perfection by shacking up with a mud pony.

Well, regardless, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it...

Princess Celestia woke up feeling surprisingly good, given all the chaos of the last twenty-four hours. Thankfully, the most pressing issues, Tirek's return and the changeling swarm's presence in Equestria, had resolved themselves in a manner that even the most jaded pony could call satisfactory. Admittedly, it meant that there would soon be a new player on the world stage, but Conrad seemed a decent sort. More importantly, upon reflection, his ideas for the creation of a changeling city had revealed several intriguing ideas for future construction projects. At the first opportunity, she'd have to see about picking his brain (Metaphorically, of course) regarding the construction methods of his homeland...

The princess was startled out of her reverie by the sight of a letter from Twilight Sparkle in its usual place on her bedside table. It had been... well, practically forever since her former student, now her fellow co-ruler, had written a letter. The feeling she experienced upon seeing it was practically nostalgic.

That feeling lasted exactly twelve point three seven five seconds after unrolling the message. Sighing, Celestia rolled the letter up, placed it back on the bedside table, and then broke into a flat run out her bedroom door, shouting "Code Lavender" as she passed Secretary Raven.

'Code Lavender' was the call sign for when Celestia had to rush off and prevent Twilight Sparkle from doing something with the best of intentions that might accidentally spark off a world war or a world-ending calamity. Thankfully, since moving to Ponyville, the youngster had not triggered such a catastrophic event, but from ages six to sixteen, she had kept Celestia so busy that an official codeword had to be given to when Twilight had done something... ill-advised. The phrase would put the entirety of the Equestrian Army on high alert, warn all of the superheroes in Manehattan that they might soon be needed, and would also advise the leader of every nation on the planet to, essentially, "Hold on to your flanks, because Twilight Sparkle is at it again." Lovely girl that Twilight was, Celestia secretly wished that she was just a little less impulsive. Still, that impulsive aspect of her nature had saved Equestria far more often than it had endangered it...

The feeling of the wind beneath her wings as she rushed off to stop Twilight was practically nostalgic, but in an entirely different fashion...

Luna sighed as she stared at her bed with an expression of irritation. She really ought to be going to sleep. Admittedly, sleep was very nearly optional for an alicorn: Luna herself had once gone twenty-seven days without rest. She had not been what many would call a 'happy camper' for the last three days before she finally went to sleep, but she could manage to go several days without sleeping with no ill effects.

Under most other circumstances, she'd not even consider going out, but she was curious. This... Conrad had broadcast upon the night sky a wondrous display. It had been like nothing that she had ever imagined before, a story that had moved her in ways that she had difficulty in properly describing. She wanted more...

It wouldn't hurt to go and visit the hive. After all, Celestia had been urging Luna to take a vacation. Leave the palace, have some fun, that sort of thing...

That was why, when Secretary Raven rushed into Luna's room to advise her of the Code Lavender, all she found was a note indicating that she had left to visit the changeling hive.

"This has snafu written all over it."

"Yes, it certainly does. Things are moving far too quickly. There are too many unexpected developments, all occurring too quickly without anyone having a chance to compare notes."

"We... may have to step in. You know that, right?"

"I'd rather not, if we can avoid it. Tirek... well, the true Tirek, has started improving, now that we've shown him what has happened in your homeland during the last thousand years. He may be coming around. If possible, I'd rather not do anything to jeopardize that."

"...And you'd rather not have to face Celestia right now, either."

"We parted on... ill terms, yes. I've been dreading a reunion, I will freely admit that. However, I'm the one responsible for this mess, and I imagine she already suspects that my hoofprints are all over this situation. We'll continue to observe for now, and if things go wrong, I'll step in myself."

With the eyes of the entire hive upon me, I held up the gift that Ash and the rest of the hive had decided to bestow upon me, in gratitude for all that I had done for them. In a way, I had expected the armor. It was... well, I'll admit it, that shit was fucking beautiful. Had it been the only thing in there, and the red cape removed, I'd have been moved beyond words. It might have been just a cuirass, bracers, and greaves, but it was a fucking masterpiece. The metal was polished to a mirror shine, and, well...

The guy who made it, Smith, he went a little crazy with the embossing, and the enruning, and the, well, just about everything. Okay, he went super, mega, ultra crazy. As Smith went on and on about what all the different rare materials that had gone into this thing, and what each individual rune did, I came to a realization: The cuirass alone was probably worth enough to buy a small country. Or a large country. Or maybe a planet. No, I am not exaggerating: Leaving aside the absurd value of the materials that composed the armor, and the sheer craftsmanship that had gone into it, the protective enchantments were beyond anything you can imagine. Wearing the full set, the enchantments would ensure that I would be protected from everything short of a tactical nuke, and even the nuke would probably do little more than singe my beard slightly.

The crown was a nice touch, and they even went ahead and commissioned two, a modest one for when I'm sober, and a more... ostentatious one for if/when Emperor Kickass McAwesometown made a comeback. Neither one sported any magical powers, asides from their latent +5 Swagger bonus. Honestly, even a 'humble' crown can be rather badass. In fact, the more humble ones usually are.

But what really moved me more than anything else was the guitar...

Ash had noted, privately, that over the course of my drunken escapades, that I had made several 'air guitar' gestures, complete with 'meedley noises' (His words, not mine, but I do not doubt it. That does sound like me when I'm drunk), so in addition to the armor and the crown, he'd also commissioned Smith to make a fully functioning magical guitar. It included an internal, self-regenerating power source, which Smith promised could play for up to six hours straight without breaks, and recharge in less than an hour even after being drained. It also possessed an internally based sound system that could manage anything from a private performance to a city-wide rock concert. It also housed a 'mnemonic enchantment' that could take any song directly from my memory, and play everything, minus the lead guitarist's part, when I played. So yeah, it was like a self-contained Guitar Hero game. The red and black paint job was a nice touch, as it matched the new bod. Oh, and it had a pick that was made from the scale of a red dragon, magically bonded to the guitar, so I'd never lose it.

It was the single greatest thing that I had ever been given by anyone.

Alright, I'll be straight with you: In high school I was a bit of a metal head. I even ran my own speed metal band for a bit, before I took a major interesting in structural engineering. So yeah, I like the metal, and I can play guitar a bit.

Okay, maybe more than a bit.

What? You think that's strange? Well, excuse me for having a diverse range of interests. My life might have been simpler if I'd not had so many distractions, but it certainly would not have been as rich.

Regardless, I will freely admit that I was moved beyond words. It was like Turbo Christmas, and I'd not gotten the changelings anything. I was moved to tears...

And that was when the lavender unicorn with wings stormed into the throne room with her five friends, all wearing their fancy bling, and shot me full of rainbows. Yes, I wish I could describe what happened better than that, but that was exactly what happened. They stormed in, and without even a 'how-do-you-do', they just straight up let loose with the double rainbow.

Double rainbow, all the way 'cross the sky...

Okay, okay, I'll stop.

What really seemed to surprise everyone was the fact that I was still standing afterwards. It took me a few seconds to realize why. What was it that the queen had said?

"So this is the infamous Lord Tirek himself. The Terror Of Equestria. The prisoner who escaped Tartarus. The one who stole the magic from all the ponies of Equestria, turned Discord against his friends, and stole the power of both the princesses and the embodiment of Chaos itself... and lost it all after being hit by a rainbow."

Apparently, while word was out that 'Lord Tirek' had returned, word had not yet gotten out that Lord Tirek was not 'Lord Tirek'. Grand. Just grand. Well, at least I was immune to the power of rainbows, it seemed.

Looking over at Skyflower, I asked, jokingly, "Is it customary in Equestria to greet total strangers by shooting them in the face? Or is it just because I'm special?"

Skyflower gave a giggle-snort at that, although she had the good grace to blush slightly as well.

Had Twilight Sparkle not... relieved herself before entering the hive, she might have released her bowels so fiercely in that one moment that she'd become the first alicorn to achieve a Sonic Rainboom through explosive defecation. Lord Tirek had taken the full power of the Elements of Harmony to the face, and seemed none the worse for where. In fact, he seemed to be cracking jokes about it.

The Elements of Harmony, Equestria's universal 'I win' button, as Rainbow Dash had once called it, had failed!

Steeling herself, she shouted, "Again, girls!"

The familiar flare of energy coursed through her body, the Elements aligned, and....

*phrrrrrrrrrt*

...There really should have been a more dignified way for the Elements to indicate that they weren't going to fire again, asides from a fart noise.

Twilight gulped as she realized that she and her friends were now outnumbered by the changelings. Seriously. There must have been... thousands of them. And they did not look happy. In fact, they looked positively livid. And they were starting to close in.

This was bad. This was very bad. Twilight might have been able to hold her own against this many changelings, but her friends were almost certain to get hurt. With Lord Tirek here, and at the level of power he had obviously achieved...

"Stop."

The changelings, in a motion so perfectly simultaneous that it might have been choreographed, all ceased their advance at once. It took a moment to realize that the one who spoke wasn't one of the changelings, but Lord Tirek himself.

"I'm not about to watch you guys do to a bunch of teenagers what you did to the queen," he said, in a surprisingly stern tone. "There was no harm done, and I'm almost certain that they had me confused with someone else, so let's let this one slide."

One of the changelings, an armored one with a surprisingly amused expression, said, "Very well. Clear the throne room, everyone. Lord Conrad will need to have a word with Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends."

Conrad? Who was Conrad?

As the changelings left the room, Tirek advanced upon Twilight and her friends, and with an expression that was so uncharacteristically friendly that Twilight almost didn't recognize it for what it was at first. A unicorn mare with an... oddly familiar color scheme followed close behind. After a moment, Tirek said, "Skyflower, be a dear and introduce us, please."

With a formal curtsy, the mare said, "Your highness, Princess Twilight Sparkle, you stand in the august presence of Lord Conrad Conrad, ruler of the changeling hive." Turning towards this... Conrad, she added, "Conrad, this is Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria. In addition, she is escorted by her friends Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack, the bearers of the Elements Of Harmony."

"A pleasure to meet you all," the centaur said, pleasantly.

Sombra's soldiers were positioned just outside the treeline. His soldiers seethed, but would obey for now. It would only be a few more minutes, and he would loose his minions. He'd only have one chance at this, and timing, as they say, is everything...

Things Are Spinning Out Of Control!

So, Twilight and her friends are basically Equestria's more awesome version of The Planeteers.

I'm sorry, but think about it for a second: They're a team of teens from all across the land, all from different walks of life and with different interests, tasked with saving the day on a regular basis. They're even racially balanced: Two Earth ponies, two pegasai, and two unicorns. Well, Twilight is a winged unicorn, but the she wasn't always one. And the fact that they all had different skin, well, fur colors meant that they were sufficiently multi-ethnic for the comparison to be able to stick.

But I'm going a little off track. I'd barely gotten halfway thought my explanation of what was going on before Twilight insisted on checking things out for herself. A bit curious on my end, I gave her permission, under the condition that she not try to do anything that might disrupt whatever had me inhabiting Tirek's body. I'd rather not end up going to pony heaven because Twilight couldn't keep from poking me with her brain. Nothing against Pony Heaven, I'm sure it's great, but I am not in a hurry to go there.

"It is an incredibly intricate spell," Twilight Sparkle admitted, a few minutes later. The flare of her horn died down and she looked at me with an expression that was a perfect mix of admiration and confusion. "Just about the only way of getting your spirit out of Tirek's body would be to stick you someplace where magic literally cannot exist. But that's a good thing, in a way: There's almost no possibility of you accidentally getting 'knocked loose'. But that also means that there's no way for you to go home: I've been to 'Earth', or someplace like what you've described, a couple of times now, and magic doesn't work there, most of the time. If you went there now, in that body, the spell would come undone, and you'd go... where ever you were supposed to go."

I sighed, frustrated, then nodded. I had expected as much: Once I'd accepted that this was real, something told me that my trip was a one way deal. After a moment, I asked, "You said almost, right?"

Nodding, and looking more than a little worried, she said, "Yes. There's two or three ways I could think of that would undo the bindings on your spirit. First off, whoever did it originally is certain to have a counter-spell, or knows where one would be. Second, if I sat down and studied it for a few weeks, I'm pretty sure I could work out a way to undo it, not that I'd want to. Third, and perhaps the most important, is this: There's some sort of a fail-safe in place here."

Skyflower, an eyebrow raised, asked, "A fail-safe?"

More nervous than ever, Twilight said, "I think that whoever used this spell wanted to be sure that, if whoever ended up inside this body turned out to be dangerous, or possibly even evil, there was a way to stop them from doing harm to others. The wrong person in that body would be very, very dangerous, after all. The spell is, like I said, very intricate, but in one very particular aspect, it is also very fragile. This enchantment was intended to hold a 'good' spirit inside of Tirek's body, and it is very particular about what it considers good. If the spirit inside turns evil... the enchantment will come undone."

Raising an eyebrow, I admitted, "Impressive. But, what constitutes an 'evil' deed, at least in regards to this spell?" I hadn't done anything that I thought of as evil, although snapping my fingers in Skyflower's ear hadn't been very nice. Still, I couldn't help but cringe slightly: I'd not realized that I was skirting such a fine line. It was like you'd been walking down a dark road, and suddenly the light came on and you realized that you'd been walking right next to the edge of a cliff...

"Doing intentional, lasting harm to someone for any reason other than self-defense or the protection of others," Twilight said, relaxing a little bit. "There's a good bit of leeway there, so long as you're not trying to... you know... really hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. But if you attack someone with the intention of doing lasting or permanent harm, and that someone isn't trying to hurt you or someone else, and can't fight back..."

"Then I won't be able to do it twice," I said, tactfully. Folks around here seldom talked about dying or killing. I suspected that, being herbivores, they didn't have as much of a stomach for that as humans do.

"Exactly," Twilight said with a final nod.

Celestia was flying as fast as her wings could take her, and for an alicorn, that is a speed that can make even Rainbow Dash turn green with envy. Admittedly, the combination of wings and alicorn magic made for a top speed that made even the Sonic Rainboom look slow.

And it was for that very reason that she did not notice the force field until after she hit it. Face first.

THUNK!!! WHUMP!!! Those are the sounds an alicorn makes when she hits a force field, then bounces off and hits the ground.

Rising slowly, Princess Celestia struggled to regain her hooves after she'd recovered her senses. She immediately recognized that forcefield, and could name the one who had placed it. If there was one thing that she despised about King Sombra, it was the fact that he had perfected the art of anti-alicorn forcefields. It was why, instead of personally going to the Crystal Empire with Luna and dealing with him upon his return, she'd been forced to rely on Twilight and Cadance, the one because she wasn't an alicorn at the time, and the other because Sombra had not encountered her before, and as such had not been able to attune a force field to repel her yet...

But what would he be doing out here, near the changeling hive?

She was interrupted from her thoughts by the sudden arrival of Discord. Well, arrival was not the right word: He 'arrived' by falling from the sky, directly on top of Celestia. Hard. So much so that it left a crater.

And damned if Discord wasn't cheerful about it.

With a chuckle, he said, "Ah, Celestia, just who I was hoping to see. I'll have to keep this brief, since I'm just a doppelganger created for the sole purpose of delivering a message to you and Luna, and I can't really engage in extended conversation. I've located Sombra: He's headed for the changeling hive now. I'm worried that he might be after Conrad, but I can't say what he's really after yet. I'm headed to the hive now as fast as I can, but he's blocked teleportation within the area that the field covers, so I may not reach the hive in time. I'm hoping that you and Luna together will be able to break whatever spell is in place, so I can immediately move in to stop him. Be careful, though: I expect Sombra may have made the force field specifically to keep you away, so it might be more solid for you than it is for me."

With a snort of frustration, Celestia said, "I understand. I'll get started on breaking the spell right away."

Standing up and dusting himself off, he said, "Well, with that said, I need to go find Luna."

THUNK!!! WHUMP!!!

"Ah, Luna," Discord's double said, grinning, "just who I was hoping to see..."

Sombra winced as he detected the impacts against his forcefield. He could sense who had just tried to enter the area, and knowing that both Luna and Celestia were trying to break in, and were now almost certainly aware of his presence, was... distressing, to say the least. He needed to move, but more importantly, he'd need to take steps to ensure he'd find his quarry quickly.

Expending what little magic he could spare, he created dozens of shadow wisps, mindless drones that would scour the hive for his target. It was tricky, splitting his focus in so many directions at once, but he was King Sombra: Even this was well within his abilities. With this, he could search the hive for his target much more quickly, and once found...

Well, his spell prevented everyone else from teleporting...

A wicked grin crossed Sombra's face as he released the restrictions that he had placed upon his thralls and gave a single command.

"Attack the changelings."

Ash suddenly barged into the throne room, his expression proclaiming louder than words that he was bearing bad news. He practically shouted, "The hive is under attack! There's an entire company of soldiers assaulting the hive!"

A company? "The rangers from two days ago?" I asked, worried. While I'd spoken with Discord, and Discord had spoken with the princesses, word seemed to be taking its time in getting around. Maybe they were here to 'rescue' my wife?

Obviously frustrated, Ash answered, "Yes and no. They're the rangers, certainly, but they've obviously been enchanted somehow. They're frothing at the mouth, shouting incoherently, and are practically radiating dark magic."

Skyflower gulped, and I heard her whisper, "He's already here..."

Sombra. She couldn't possibly mean anyone else. Folding my arms over my chest, I looked at Ash and asked, "What's the situation outside, soldier?"

I think that my question knocked Ash out of his semi-panicked state, and he said, "I've ordered nearly all of the hive out, and they are engaging the attackers, trying to subdue the rangers without hurting them. It's taking some time: I gave strict orders not to hurt anypony, but the rangers aren't under any such restraints."

"Then I'll need to head out there myself," I stated bluntly. I was much larger, and stronger, than anypony out there. I could easily turn the tide just by showing up. If it was just restraining them, then it should be well within what the spell binding me to Tirek's body allowed. Looking past Ash, I saw Leni peeking in from outside. Pointing to her, I said, "Leni, take Skyflower to the royal bedchambers, and lock the door. No one goes in or out, and no one lays a hoof on her while there's breath in your body. Understand?"

Leni nooded, and gave a salute.

Twilight and her friends looked up at me, and after a moment, the princess asked, "What about us?"

"Go with Leni. You're guests of the hive, and I wouldn't want any of you getting hurt," I said, plainly. Had I known then what I know now... I'd not yet come to realize just how powerful an asset those six could be, even without the elements, properly directed. Had I known, a lot of things might have gone differently.

Oh well. Woulda, coulda, shoulda, didn't...

Outside, it was anarchy in the UK. it is hard to do it justice with words alone. It was like... imagine the biggest bar room brawl ever. Multiply it by a thousand. Now make everyone taking part in it either a changeling or a pony. There you go. Oh, and don't forget to add the dozens of puppies underfoot, who seemed to think that this was some sort of a game.

The soldiers were everything that Ash had described. They were definitely not in their right minds. In fact, they looked positively rabid, and some were actively trying to bite the changelings, in addition to punching, kicking, and with the unicorns, stabbing. Of course, with a changeling's hardened carapace, that's not very effective, but it was clear that the berzerker ponies gave no fucks at all. They were here to fight, and the fact that they were obviously outnumbered and outmatched meant less than nothing. That's right: They were in negative fucks territory right now.

I immediately noticed something, though: Everyone, changelings and the soldiers, were avoiding stepping on the puppies. That instantly struck me as odd, as the pups were obvious, defenseless targets. The guards were enchanted, according to what Ash had said: Maybe that enchantment made them target changelings specifically. The fact that none of the soldiers were paying any attention to the giant red and black centaur who had just shown up seemed to support that theory.

An idea came to me. A ridiculous idea, from that part of my brain that decided to dub itself Emperor Kickass McAwesometown. I cupped my hands around my mouth to make a megaphone and shouted, "ATTENTION!!! EVERYONE, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, AND LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW!!!"

Everyone stopped and looked. Even the insane, berzerker rangers. Ash was right: When someone my size demands attention, he gets it. Not even magical crazy guards more psycho than Jason Vorhees on PCP could ignore me when I shouted.

Now that everyone was looking, I shouted, "All changelings, become puppies immediately!"

While confused, the changelings complied. Within seconds, the area outside the hive was no longer filled with changelings and berserk soldiers, but instead pony sized puppies and confused ponies with no one to fight. Bizarrely, whatever enchantment was on them seemed to be wearing off almost immediately. In fact, all of the guards began actively cuddling the disguised, and somewhat embarrassed, changlings/puppies. Well, maybe cuteness was able to override berzerker spells. I don't know much about magic, so I can't say, although I suppose it makes as much sense as anything else in Equestria. However, I immediately realized five things.

Item One: Whatever spell the soldiers were under, it made them attack changelings on sight. However, it only applied to changelings in their true form, not as changelings disguised as adorable giant puppies. That led immediately to item two.

Item Two: Sombra, if he was truly the one responsible, did not know that changelings were able to change their appearance. Well, he'd been out of circulation for a thousand years, and a unicorn supremacist besides: Maybe changelings were new to Equestria, and he'd never bothered to learn anything about foreign species.

Item Three: Sombra was afraid of me. If he thought that he could take me on, he'd have just marched in and killed Skyflower without bothering with any subterfuge. Instead, he'd enchanted a bunch of ponies into attacking the hive. He might have been able to conquer a kingdom single-hooved, but he wasn't willing to go head to head with me.

Item Four: This was way too obvious and simple to be Sombra's plan. If Sombra had been serious, I doubt he would have used such an easy to defeat spell. This was a distraction. Sombra had wanted me, and most of the hive, outside dealing with this attack, rather than inside, guarding Skyflower.

Item Five: The distraction had worked, as I had just left Skyflower alone, inside of the hive, with just Leni and six teenaged girls for protection...

Turning towards Ash, who was currently sporting the look of an over-sized golden retriever puppy, I said, "Have half of the changelings here restrain the soldiers until the enchantment wears off completely. The rest are to head immediately to the royal bedchamber, and be ready for a fight. I'll meet you all there."

Ash didn't argue, as he was still somewhat shocked by how I had, with two simple commands, transformed an enemy attack into a changeling-pony hug-fest. I turned and bolted back into the hive, afraid of what I might find when I got there.

The very second that Leni had closed and locked the door behind them, Skyflower knew that something was off. The shadows in the room didn't seem... right. Was one of them a little... darker than the others?

Gulping, she said, simply, "Hello, uncle."

There was a brief flash of green and purple light, and King Sombra appeared, replacing the shadow. With a chuckle utterly devoid of humor, he said, "Hello, Skyflower."

Well, it looked like Sombra, anyways: His body was... odd. It was like someone had broken his body as though it were glass, and the pieces had been hastily glued back together. It seemed that whatever method that he'd used to restore himself had not worked very well.

Giving his niece an unfriendly look, he said, "It's been a long ti..."

"LIGHT HIM UP!!!"

Say what you will about Twilight Sparkle, but she and her friends have great reflexes: The instant they saw the tyrant, the six of them immediately let loose with the Elements of Harmony. No farting noises this time: This was the full power of the elements, the relics that embodied the power of Harmony itself, let loose on an obviously evil pony...

The twin rainbows shot towards Sombra, then hit some sort of barrier. However, instead of being reflected or blocked, they simply began to spin around Sombra at high speeds.

"Ah, Twilight Sparkle and her merry band of friends," Sombra said, a vicious little grin upon his face. "I wasn't expecting you, or the Elements. What a pleasant surprise."

The elements continued to unleash their power, but something seemed wrong. Twilight and her friends began to look worried, and then frightened, as the elements fired and fired, seemingly without end...

"And you brought the Elements of Harmony," he continued, cheerfully. "Delightful! Celestia never told you how bad an idea it was to try and use those on me, did she?" The rainbows encircling the dark tyrant began to lose color, to turn black and gray.

The six were actively trying to force the elements to stop, but to no avail. They kept firing. No, they weren't firing...

They were being drained!

"I've spent decades studying the secrets of the magical artifacts of the world, those precious elements included. If I intended to confront Celestia and Luna, I'd have to deal with those silly little trinkets, sooner or later. While toys compared to the Crystal Heart, I admit, they can be dangerous. I know all about them: Their strengths, their weaknesses..."

The rainbows turned pitch black, forming a perfect dome over Sombra, and the elements finally stopped releasing energy. The six fell to the ground, unconscious, the draining of the elements having drained them of their stamina as well...

Skyflower suddenly felt something placed around her muzzle, and around her legs, binding her limbs and sealing her mouth shut. Without any explanation or warning, she was tossed so that she slid under the royal bed. Once there, she saw, from her awkward position, Leni take on her appearance...

She'd done as she was ordered: Leni was going to ensure that Skyflower wasn't going to be hurt while a breath remained in the changeling's body... by taking the mare's place...

"...And how their power might be turned towards more... constructive uses," Sombra said, as the dome vanished, seeming to be sucked into his mouth. Almost instantly, the cracks in Sombra's body began to heal, and an appearance of... vigor, of vitality washed over him. "How delightful. For a while there, I was expecting to have to bargain with Grogar in order to fully restore my body to life. But you six, you wonderful young ladies, have done that job for me. However shall I reward you?"

A terrible smile on his face, he said, "I think I'll let you all live. I was just recently considering how I'd need to do something to continue my bloodline, after I've finished with Skyflower over here. Every king needs a harem of concubines, and while you are all a little too young for my tastes, you're all of foal-bearing age, and will be perfect for the role in a couple of years time. I think I'll keep you as my broodmares, so that you can pop out brats for me to offer to Grogar for ever greater power..."

Twilight, her eyes opened to slits, whispered, "Never..."

Sombra's horn began to glow green as he said, "Never say never, young lady. I could control an entire city of ponies with my magic a thousand years ago, and I am far stronger now than I have ever been before. You and your friends will be no challenge. All it will take is a little magic to adjust to your attitudes, and you'll beg for me for the privilege of being my slaves. I promise you, you'll be so happy, you won't even care what happens to our offspring..."

"Uncle," Leni said, doing an excellent impersonation of Skyflower's voice, "leave them be. This is between you and me."

Frowning, her uncle said, "I suppose you have a point. I don't have time for distractions right now. Even with my power restored, it wouldn't be a good idea to risk a battle with Tirek just yet." The glow from his horn went out, and he said, "I can always collect them after I've finished conquering Equestria, along with any other pretty mares who catch my eye along the way. It'll be days before they'll be in any shape to use the elements again, even if they could be used against me."

His expression turned ugly as his horn flared, and glowing restraints formed around the disguised changeling's neck and legs, binding her in chains of green and dark purple energy. "Meanwhile, you're coming with me. If I intend to take on Celestia and Luna, I'll need a little more power to ensure that they'll be no threat to me. Grogar will be certain to give me more than enough energy, in exchange for such a strong, youthful offering. Whatever horrors he'll inflict upon your soul will make anything I could imagine seem like tender mercies in comparison." A bubble of energy formed around Leni, and she was lifted off the ground...

What? Skyflower had expected that Sombra would simply kill her. But this sounded far worse.

Behind Sombra, a portal opened, and he quickly stepped through, Leni floating along behind him. What she saw beyond the portal... it was the stuff of nightmares. It would take a poet to describe it. An insane, evil poet, writing the words with his own blood. It could only be a glimpse of Hades itself...

As he and his prisoner crossed the threshold into the realm beyond, Conrad burst into the room, his expression shocked at the sight of Sombra and his prisoner. "Too late, fool," Sombra said, then the portal snapped shut, leaving nothing but the sound of Sombra's mocking laughter...

(A Brief Interlude...)

Hey, this is Conrad. I heard you guys were calling bullshit, so I'll take a moment to pause and explain to you what happened.

I honestly think that it is bullshit, myself, that King Sombra was able to take what Equestria considers the equivalent of a wave motion gun, and not only survive, but also use it to heal himself. I talked to Celestia about it later, and she explained it to me like this: The Elements are able to do a lot of things, but in the end, they are tools that can harness the innate harmony within a group of ponies to do things. If those ponies are friends or family who get along well, the elements have a lot of power. If they're not, then the power is diminished to almost pathetic levels. Regardless, they're objects, with no intellect of their own. They're like a sort of primitive computer system: They can follow instructions, but you have to know how they're programmed, or else you're going to end up getting a critical error sooner or later.

And that lack of self-motivation can be a very big problem: A thousand years ago, Celestia used the elements to banish her sister to the moon because Luna turned psycho, but those same elements fixed Luna one thousand years later. That being said, why didn't they just fix her one thousand years ago? Simple: Celestia didn't think of using their power that way in the past. Not her fault: She was being attacked by her sister, and had just taken a serious magical beating before she whipped out the elements. She wasn't thinking clearly, and the elements only did as they were instructed. Twilight and her friends, meanwhile, having no idea what the elements could do, basically told the relics 'Do something', and the relics did the easiest thing possible: They removed Luna's dark magic. When given no clear instructions, the elements take the path of least resistance.

That was why the Elements of Harmony didn't do anything to me when they were used: There was nothing there to 'fix'. I'm an emotionally balanced guy, and while I may have been inhabiting a total D-Bag, my being at the wheel was regarded as a good thing. If Twilight and her friends had given the elements a clear command, I might have been in trouble, but instead, they did nothing, since they didn't detect anything wrong with me.

However, that 'Do Something' command that Twilight and her friends kept relying on can be a major weakness, and it was one that Sombra was fully aware of. Without a very clear instruction of what they needed to do, the Elements of Harmony will do whatever is simplest to fix the problem they are used to solve. Twilight and her friends had told the elements to do something to Sombra, but each one had different ideas about what stopping him meant: Pinkie Pie just wanted him to quit being a meanie, Fluttershy wanted him to go away, Rarity wanted him to be turned to stone, Rainbow Dash wanted his head to explode, Applejack wanted him banished to someplace unpleasant, and Twilight had wanted him to be turned into an Earth Pony, so he'd never be able to use magic to hurt others again. Had even just two of them had the same idea, the fight might have gone much, much differently...

But since they were divided in intent, this allowed Sombra an opening to manipulate the power of harmony. The barrier that Sombra had created for this purpose is actually quite weak. Absurdly weak, in fact, lessening the Element's attack by an almost infinitesimal amount, unless the elements do the one specific thing that Sombra wanted them to do. In this case, that was heal the tyrant's broken body. So, like water flowing downhill through a channel dug in a sand dune, the elements were 'guided' into the one channel that benefited Sombra the most. For almost anyone else, it wouldn't have worked, but Sombra is a tyrant: Tyrants are all about 'Harmony', it is just that their definition happens to be 'Everyone doing what I tell them to'. Love and hope could kill Sombra, but as long as he had a clear intention for their power, and his enemies did not, then the Elements of Harmony could be used in his favor. Celestia and Luna had learned this after multiple confrontations with the tyrant: From what I've gathered from the two of them, the Crystal Empire battle wasn't the first time that the royal sisters had fought Sombra, just the first one where they didn't open with the Elements...

However, while it was 'simple' to heal Sombra, it required a lot of power because of how severe the damage to his body was. And once unleashed, the elements don't stop until the job is done. That was why Twilight and her friends were drained of stamina in the aftermath of the incident.

In summary, that's why Sombra's barrier, in spite of the king being greatly weakened, was able to use the power of one of the strongest sets of magical artifacts in existence to heal himself, instead of being blasted to atoms, and nearly killed Twilight and her friends in the process.

Like I said, I think it's bullshit, but Sombra was an expert when it came to how the elements worked, while Twilight and her friends were novices. Had Celestia just sat Twilight and her friends down one day and explained how they could best be used...

Woulda, coulda, shoulda, didn't.

Moving back to the subject at hand, that's the best explanation I ever got that I could understand. I tried asking Twi once, but her version was so dry, technical, and boring that I fell asleep within fifteen minutes of the explanation. She continued for three hours before she realized I was snoring. Lovely girl, but when she talks shop...

Well, that's enough for this particular tangent. We're in the middle of a story here, people!

You're Not Buying It, Are You?

So, at this point, things were looking more dark and grim than a Warhammer 40K novel.

I'd... I had seriously fucked up. Big time. There was no getting around it. I'd had this image in my head for what Sombra would be like. I had assumed that he'd be like some sort of Saturday morning cartoon villain, who was egotistical in the extreme and wanted to be the center of attention. The kind who would come in with a big, dramatic speech, waving his metaphorical dick around while boasting about how big it is. My plan had more or less been that, while he was doing that, I'd just walk right up to him, punch him about a dozen times in his non-metaphorical dick, and knock the wind out of his sails. From there, it would all be over except for the ultra-violence. Instead?

I had played right into his hooves. While I'd been dealing with the big, obvious attack right outside my front door, he had waltzed right in, entered the most secure room in the hive, and abducted someone right under my nose. Not only had he proven himself smarter than me, he had demonstrated that, regardless of how small or large his metaphorical or literal dick might be, he had balls of solid brass so large that they had their own gravitational field.

We all have preconceptions about how people from the distant past were. The overall assumption is that they were idiots who were bound by foolish superstitions and who couldn't handle any sort of math higher than two plus two. We forget that the distant past contains such notable figures as Plato, Aristotle, Cicero, Diogenes, and sundry others. You know, the guys who had more or less invented math and modern philosophy. And had done it inside their fucking heads. Likewise, the ancient world had a vast number of military geniuses, like Hannibal, Belisarius, and Sun Tzu. And then, there's the rulers...

Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, Mithridates the Sixth of Pontus, Vlad the Impaler, Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden, Attila the Hun. Great men, terrible men, heroes, villains, they are men whose names have been etched into very bedrock of history, from ancient manuscripts to the Badass of the Week website. Men that you underestimated at your peril. Men who had carved such reputations without any sort of magic or supernatural powers...

I had thought that my opponent was something like Skeletor, Gargamel, or Cobra Commander, when in fact he was someone in the same class as Count Dracula, Darth Vader, or Ronan the Accuser...

The suddenness of how thoroughly I had been outclassed had left me stunned. I might have spent hours in that stupor, were it not for the sudden noise that came from under the royal bed. Had I been in a rational mindset, I might have assumed that it was Leni, who had started hiding under the bed at Sombra's arrival, and would have been preparing to give her an earful as I tossed the bed aside. However, since I was too stunned to really think, I moved on autopilot. I stepped carefully past the unconscious six mares, and flipped the bed to one side, and was shocked by what I saw. The sight of Skyflower, trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey, ended up snapping me out of my mental daze.

I went to college, so I pride myself on being pretty bright. I figured out what had happened almost immediately: Leni had done as ordered. She had ensured the Skyflower remained safe, by taking her place...

I didn't say anything as I released Sky from her restraints. I'd planned on asking her about what had happened once she was completely free, but the instant her limbs were loose, she started hugging me tightly, her body trembling with shock. She had come within a hair's breadth of dying just a few seconds ago, so that kind of reaction was perfectly understandable, as were the tears running down her face.

And then, she started to tell me what Sombra had done, and threatened to do to the others in the room...

At that moment, I came to a resolution: I would not kill King Sombra. No, he must live. If possible, I would find a way for him to live forever. No amount of murdering could possibly kill him dead enough to satisfy me now. No amount of physical torture would be sufficient to express my absolute hatred and boundless contempt for him. Instead, I would drown him in an ocean of endless despair. All that he had tried to accomplish, I would not only undo, but would rub his face in the futility of his goals like I'd rub a naughty dog's nose in its own shit. All his plots, his schemes, his plans, I would destroy them all, and walk away from the burning remains while smoking a cigarette like a badass. I would murder his aspirations, shit on his hopes, and then wipe my ass with his dreams. When I was done, he would look upon the flaming wreckage that was once his life, and beg me to kill him, so that he might escape the hell that had become his new reality... and I would whisper, "Fuck you," and kick him in the balls as hard as I possibly could.

But first, I would need to find him...

An elderly unicorn gazed at a piece of glowing quartz crystal, as he stood in the remains of the ranger's deserted camp.

"I'll admit, it is an impressive little toy," said a voice nearby. "Especially since it was able to stymie even your best efforts until now."

Snorting the stallion replied, "The spell is almost ingenious in its simplicity. It would take an enchantment of almost limitless power to bar entry to all the alicorns that might exist, but since this enchantment is bound only to Celestia and Luna's true names, Sombra's little 'toy' can block their entry better than any force field I could ever have devised. In comparison, the anti-teleportation enchantment, one triggered whenever a distortion in space-time occurs that is not specifically in tune to this object's enchantment, is much more complex, yet uses so little power that an infant might manage it. A work of art to be envied, given that it is able to hinder the likes of Discord himself." With a sad chuckle, he added, "If Sombra had turned his talents towards good, rather than evil, he might have been the world's greatest hero. Instead, he's made everyone look a fool, myself included." With a flare of his horn, he shattered the crystal. "Come on, Scorpan. Let's go join the rest of the players in this game, and we'll see if we can salvage this mess before it gets any worse."

"I'm with you, Starswirl, as always."

The master of chaos, it turned out, got lost very easily. Spending a lifetime eons long being dependent upon the ability to teleport at will had left the draconequus with a sense of direction that made Ryoga Hibiki look like Henry the Navigator. Sombra's magical signature had blanked out suddenly a few minutes ago, and with its sudden disappearance, Discord had been forced to travel blind... with embarrassing results. He'd already left the anti-teleportation field three times on accident, and was starting to get a little irritated. He swore, the first thing he'd do when he caught Sombra was give him an atomic wedgie. Well, first, he'd put underpants on the tyrant. Then he'd give that smug jerk a wedgie.

Discord had been moving at a fair clip, with a jet-assisted take off rocket strapped to his back, when he sensed the anti-teleportation field had finally dropped. Rolling his eyes, he muttered, "Finally..." He dismissed the rocket with a snap of his fingers, then landed on the ground. Well, now that he could teleport again, he could make his grand entrance. Smiling, he said, "Bibbidy..." and snapped his fingers again...

Celestia and Luna had been struggling to remove Sombra's barrier. It was frustrating: Barriers like this very one had prevented the two sisters from bypassing Sombra altogether and simply collecting the Crystal Heart a thousand years ago. Had the two not been able to goad the tyrant out with taunts regarding his cowardice, they might have been stuck standing outside the Crystal Empire to this very day...

The princesses were given two sudden surprises: The first was the barrier suddenly going down on its own. The second? Discord suddenly appeared, placed a finger on each of the princesses, said, "Bobbity..." while the tuft of fur on his tail formed a hand-like shape and snapped its 'fingers', and the three of them vanished in a flash...

"...BOO!!!"

Discord's sudden shout startled me, so much so that, had I not been embracing Skyflower, and not immediately recognized his voice, I might have punched him right in the face. As it was, I admit I jumped a good three feet into the air.

I was able to turn to face Discord just quick enough to see his shit-eating grin devolve into a look of shock and horror, as did the looks of the two winged unicorns he'd brought with him. Say what you will about Discord, though, he is quick on the uptake. "Sombra was here, wasn't he?"

Nodding, I said, "You missed him by about five minutes." Looking at the white and blue winged unicorns who were rushing to the sides of Twilight and her friends, I asked, "Princesses Celestia and Luna?"

The larger, white pony with the rainbow mane nodded as she breathed a sigh of relief, glad to see that the other ponies were unharmed. "Yes, Sir Conrad, you are correct." Her expression turning worried, she asked, "What happened here?"

Skyflower spoke up, releasing herself from the hug we'd shared and giving a bow. "King Sombra launched an attack, using his dark influence to force the rangers to lay siege to the hive. Conrad, believing Sombra would be out there, had one of the changelings lead myself, Twilight, and her friends here, to the most secure room in the hive. Sombra had set some sort of magical spy to watch for us, or at least me, and as soon as we appeared, he teleported in. Your student and her friends used the Elements of Harmony to try and thwart the tyrant, but Sombra was somehow able to instead use their power to restore himself to full strength. The changeling, a mare named Leni, took advantage of a momentary distraction, and swapped places with me. Sombra abducted her and left."

Luna, a little irritated, said, "You should have warned her, Celestia, that Sombra had a means of countering the power of the elements."

Looking as sad as pony could be, Celestia replied, "Yes, I should have. But then, we all had thought that we'd seen the last of him, so I had seen no reason to warn her." Shaking her head ruefully, she added, "My fears of repeating my mistakes with Sunset Shimmer have only caused me to make a newer, more terrible mistake."

"We can play the blame game later," I stated flatly. "Right now, Sombra has taken one of my vassals away, and is planning to do who-knows-what to her. I need to know where he is, what he's planning, and what it will take to stop him."

Skyflower spoke up again, saying, "He mentioned someone named 'Grogar' several times, and about offering up a soul to him in exchange for power. And when he left... I'd have sworn that he'd walked through a portal into Hades itself."

It should be impossible for a white-coated mare to turn pale, but Celestia went from an ordinary white to an almost neon white from shock as she whispered, "Grogar...?"

Discord, on the other hoof, just looked angry as he tended to Fluttershy. He was doing an amazing job, having apparently teleported from nowhere a full intensive care unit to tend to her. After a stern look from the princesses, Discord rolled his eyes, snapped his fingers, and summoned another five to tend to the others. Irritation coloring his voice, he asked, "That old goat is still around? I'd have thought that he'd have given up by now."

A voice from the entrance to the bedroom said, "You should know full well that 'old goat' will never give up." That voice... it sounded almost like Merlin from The Sword In The Stone....

Looking towards the doorway, I saw a pony who was dressed like a wizard. No, not like a wizard, but like a caricature of a wizard. No, a caricature of a caricature... with bells on! And a righteous beard sufficient to rival my own! He might have looked ridiculous, save for an almost tangible aura of power that seemed to radiate from him. He might have looked a little silly, but there was no mistaking it: This was a wizard of the highest order...

"Starswirl," Celestia whispered, her eyes wide in shock.

With a small bow, 'Starswirl' said, "I wish we might have met under better circumstances, your highness. It has been a long time. We have a great deal to discuss." Turning towards the doorway, he said, "Don't be shy, Scorpan. It's not like he'd be able to recognize you, anyways."

A creature walked in that... well, look, Scorpan is a whole new type of weird. I'm not going to waste everyone's time trying to describe him, anymore than I would Discord. Let's move on.

Celestia asked, "Where have you been all this time?"

The short answer was, he was ensuring the safety of Equestria.

Think on this for a second: Tirek and Scorpan came from a land outside of Equestria, and between just the two of them, they were able to bring Equestria to almost absolute ruin. Just the two of them... from a race numbering in the tens of thousands, if not more. If their race decided to advance on Equestria en masse, there'd be no stopping them. So, after Tirek's defeat a thousand years ago, Starswirl the Bearded and Scorpan had departed, for the homeland of Tirek and Scorpan's people, in order to teach them about the magic of friendship.

It was not easy. It took nearly a thousand years before the magic of friendship reached one hundred percent saturation, but in the end, Starswirl succeeded. Tirek's people didn't need to come to Equestria in search of magic now: The power of friendship had provided them with all the magical energy that they would ever need.

And how had Starswirl lived so long?

Half an hour later, after Twilight and her friends had recovered, and Ash, along with the rest of the hive, had been brought up to speed, we all gathered together around the meeting table in the throne room. Myself, Skyflower, Discord, Luna, Celestia, Twilight and her friends, and Ash sat around the table, while the rest of the hive watched us all with nervous anticipation.

Looking at Starswirl's wings with an expression of shock, Celestia exclaimed, 'You're an alicorn?!"

Shrugging, the elderly wizard said, "They just appeared one day while I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't tell you when they grew in. I was so busy, almost every day, trying to teach fellows who made Tirek seem like a saint that cultivating friendship was far better than robbing others of their magic. It was harder than you could ever imagine. I swear, if I had not had Scorpan around to demonstrate just how effective the power of friendship could be, I doubt I would have ever gotten through to them..."

"As interesting as that all is," I said, butting in, "We don't have time to catch up. Sombra kidnapped Leni, and while we're chit-chatting here..."

Starswirl interrupted my interruption, stating, "Your concern for those you lead does you credit, Conrad, but I can promise you this right now: Nothing will happen to Leni until after sunset, so we have hours yet."

Raising an eyebrow, I asked, "How can you be so sure?"

Looking grim, Scorpan said, "In order to attempt to make the trade he intends, Sombra will have to bring his offering to the ruins of Tambelon. However, Grogar, the being he must make the offering to, can only interact with the land of Equestria during the time when barrier between the world of light and the world of shadows is at its weakest: During the night."

Twilight raised her hoof, like a student nervous to question her teacher, but unable to contain her curiosity, and asked, "Just who is Grogar?"

Starswirl smiled at the winged unicorn, who seemed to have been struck by a bad case of hero worship, then said, "Grogar is perhaps one of the most evil beings to have ever lived. He is a master of fear and hatred, and a true virtuoso in the art of dark magic."

"Like Sombra?" Skyflower asked, her expression grim.

"Sombra is to Grogar what an acorn is to an oak tree," Starswirl said, plainly. "The powers that Sombra currently possesses are a combination of his own innate magical genius, and the boons of power that Grogar has granted him. Without the power that Grogar had granted him, Sombra would be a powerful wizard, but nowhere near as strong as he is now."

Applejack, surprisingly, asked the most important question of the day. "But why in tarnation would Grogar give Sombra power, and what does Skyflower have to do with all of this?"

"An excellent question," Scorpan said with a nod, then added, "And to understand the answer, a history lesson will need to be given."

Long before the modern age, before the unification of ponykind, and before the time of the three conflicting nations, the land that would become known as Equestria had a different master. Before ponykind had split itself into three seperate tribes, the ancestors to the modern ponies were slaves to the empire of Tambelon. Grogar and his servants, the trogs, ruled the realm with an iron cloven hoof. His power was absolute, and none could stand against him...

And so it was for centuries, until one day, one of his slaves hatched a clever scheme: Grogar's dark powers stemmed from a magical relic he possessed, a bell that he always wore. The bell possessed the ability to pull power from the realm of shadows itself, the place where all dark magic originates. If such a small bell could bring him such tremendous power, why couldn't a second, larger, bell be made, one that, instead of drawing magic in, could force Grogar and his subjects away? Making a bargain with Discord, the slave was able to obtain the plans to create such a bell. In exchange, the ponies would leave the realm after their victory, allowing Discord complete dominance over the land.

A conspiracy was hatched, and shenaningans were performed. It took years, but eventually, the great bell of Tambelon was ensorcelled, so that when it was rung, it would banish the evil rulers of Tambelon to the realm of shadows for all eternity. Grogar became aware of the plot, and nearly succeeded in halting the plot, but at the last moment, he was hindered by Bray, his inept lieutenant, and his empire was undone.

In the aftermath, the ponies split into three groups, and headed for different lands. Over time, the magic of those lands changed the ponies, and pegasai, unicorns, and earth ponies were formed. Before long, the horrors of Tambelon were forgotten, and even the records of ponykind's common origins were lost. When the three races met again, thousands of years later, nopony remembered Tambelon...

But Grogar remembered. He was still trapped, and desired nothing more than to return, to reestablish his dominion over all of Equestria, and to make ponykind his slaves once more. The veil between the worlds of light and shadow can be thinned, if Equestria becomes a darker place. For that reason, Grogar summoned the Windigos to try and freeze Equestria. Had things gone a little differently, had the fires of friendship not blossomed when they had, Grogar would have already returned. Granting Sombra, a cruel, heartless, evil pony with incredible power was his next attempt at weakening Equestria enough to escape his prison...

"But while unaware of Grogar's true intentions, Sombra did not trust the old goat. While Grogar is known to never tell a lie, he will gladly twist his word so that he can take advantage of the shortsightedness of others. Sombra decided to be clever: He wrote a detailed contract in a dead language, thousands of pages long, and ensured that it would be ironclad without a single loophole. The gist of it? In exchange for the souls of those who share his bloodline, Grogar will grant Sombra power. When he approached Grogar, Sombra had a flawless bargain... or so he thought."

Starswirl shook his head sadly, and said, "Grogar has neither a use nor an interest in souls, so those that Sombra offered were immediately released to their final destination. However, in Sombra's sick and twisted mind, the goat saw the potential for a new darkness that could sweep over the land. A darkness born of ignorance, bigotry, paranoia, and hatred. First, Sombra would create a world dominated by 'pure' unicorns. And then those unicorns would fall to quarrelling over what 'purity' actually meant." Huffing in frustration, Starswirl added, "Just about any civilization that becomes obsessed with 'purity' ultimately falls into chaos and self-destruction. Pure alcohol burns. Pure arsenic kills. Pure potassium explodes. There are reasons why such things are not often found in nature. Almost everything that exists in this world is a blending of many things, and is often better for it: Alloys tend to be much stronger than their component materials."

"Ah, but I am going off on a rant. Returning to our original subject: Sombra's insanity was just the thing to plunge Equestria into an era of darkness sufficient to free the old goat, so Grogar decided to use Sombra, accepting his contract. The deal was not as foolproof as Sombra thought: If the tyrant proved incapable, there were a few things that Grogar knew that Sombra did not. Things that would allow Grogar to render the contract null and void, and inflict any punishment that he saw fit upon Sombra, if he should fail."

"What kind of things?" I asked, curious.

Looking over at Skyflower, Starswirl answered, "The fact that Skyflower does not share any blood with Sombra."

Had the circumstances been even slightly different, Sky's expression of shock would have been comical. "WHAT!?"

"Your mother was already a moon pregnant when she married your father," Starswirl admitted with a sad chuckle. "It wasn't all that uncommon back then, and it still isn't. Your parents were brought together as an arranged marriage, and prior to meeting her husband for the first time, she trysted with an earth pony that she had met while escorting her father on a diplomatic venture a short time earlier. While she came to love her husband a great deal, you are not his daughter, and the fact that you share a color scheme with Sombra is just the result of random chance, not any blood relation to him."

While Skyflower was rocked by that little revelation, Twilight asked, "So, even if Sombra had the real Skyflower to offer, Grogar would still be able to go back on his deal."

"Exactly," Starswirl said with a nod. "And after a thousand years of inaction, combined with not one, but two defeats, Grogar will be eager to do away with his pawn, and reclaim the power that he had granted Sombra."

"And what will happen to Leni?" Ash asked, gravely concerned.

Discord, with a snort of disgust, said, "Odds are, he'll just kill her and be done with it. Grogar was well known for being a cold-hearted monster, long before his imprisonment. The eons have not sweetened his disposition in the slightest."

Crossing my arms over my chest, I said, "Then we'll need to nip that in the bud. Where's Sombra right now? If we can stop him before he even goes to Tambelon, then we'll have nothing to worry about."

Shaking his head, Starswirl said, "Sombra has retreated to Hades, the one place no creature with a good heart may easily enter, to wait for sunset. By the time we could manage to enter that realm, the sun will have set and then risen again a dozen times. I'm sorry to say, the only way to stop him is to confront him, and Grogar, at the ruins of Tambelon tonight. However, you will not be able to face Grogar in a direct confrontation. His power is too great. In a battle, he'd annihilate you, even with Discord and all the alicorns in the world at your side." A sly look crossed his face, and the wizard added, "But Grogar is quite prideful. If you were to challenge him to a contest, one that did not rely on strength or magical power, with Leni's fate on the line, then you might have a chance at victory. Grogar does not go back on his word."

Curious, I asked, mostly to myself, "But what could we challenge him to?"

Smiling, Discord said in a sing-song voice, "'The wizard and the demon had a battle royale; the demon almost killed him with an evil kapow. But then he broke his tooth and thus the demon said 'ow'...'"

I was stunned for a moment there, I admit. I have no idea how Discord seems to know so much about my world, and I'm almost afraid to ask him, but I have to admit, it was the perfect idea. "Do you really think that could work?"

With a wicked chuckle, the draconequus asked, "Can you think of anything better?"

Rarity, confused, asked, "What does that mean, exactly?"

Pinkie Pie raised her foreleg and waved it enthusiastically, and said, "Oh, oh, I know! It's a reference to a movie called The Pick Of Destiny, and at the end..."

Discord snapped his fingers, and Pinkie's mouth suddenly zipped shut. Tut-tutting, Discord said, "Now, now, no one likes spoilers. Don't ruin the ending for everyone who hasn't seen it, Pinkie." After a moment, Pinkie nodded. With another snap, Pinkie's mouth returned.

Yeah, I don't know how Pinkie Pie knows about The Pick Of Destiny, either. I could do an eight thousand page doctoral thesis on just how impossible that little pink pony is, and still only scratch the surface of the weirdness of The Pink One. I honestly wonder, sometimes, if Equestria is somehow caught in the Matrix, and Pinkie Pie is the only one who knows it...

"Well, we have the beginnings of a plan," I admitted, "but I don't think Grogar will accept a challenge unless we can offer him something that he wants."

"I think Discord might have something," Celestia said, smiling slightly.

Surprised, I asked, "What?"

Looking a little embarrassed, the draconequus admitted, "I helped banish him once, if you'll recall. I do happen to have a little something that could allow Grogar to escape his imprisonment... or put him back in if need be. I kept it around mostly because it amused me. After all, who'd ever imagine that the fate of the world could rest upon the possession of a kazoo..."

Her eyes widening in shock, Luna exclaimed, "The Kazoo Of Wonders? It's real?"

Rolling his eyes, Discord said, "Of course it is. I created it!" At her surprised expression, he explained, "Do you really think that anyone else in Equestria could ever have made something so ridiculous?"

Raising an eyebrow in amusement, I said, "So, we're going to go to the ruins of Tambelon to challenge Goat-Satan to a... competition, with the life of a changeling and the world's most ridiculous magical instrument on the line, in a battle that might decide the fate of Equestria for generations to come?"

"Second most ridiculous," Twilight Sparkle said, suddenly.

Confused, I asked, "What?"

"The Kazoo Of Wonders is widely regarded as the second most ridiculous magical musical instrument ever created. It is considered third in some circles, but only if one considers a magical kazoo less ridiculous than a magical fluglehorn. The Bagpipes Of Flatulence are universally regarded as the most ridiculous musical instrument to have ever been created, and has been since their appearance one thousand, two hundred, thirty-seven years ago." It sounds bizarre, but Twilight seemed pleased to have been able to recite that from memory.

"One of my more inspired creations, I admit," Discord announced, proudly.

I love Equestria so fucking much.

Author's Note

Yes, The Kazoo Of Wonders is the same kazoo referenced in the first chapter of The King Is Dead, Long Live The Emperor.

Crud. Well, You Can't Blame Me For Trying, Right?

Crud. Well, You Can't Blame Me For Trying, Right?

There are moments when I wish that I had my own soundtrack.

I mean, I'm sorry, but while a bit of my life up until my coming to this mixed up crazy world called Equestria had, in all honesty, been boring, there had yet to be a dull moment since my arrival here. From suddenly encountering an entire company of army rangers to nearly getting blasted by the queen to having a boxing match with Discord, there hadn't been a dull moment, except maybe when I slept. I was living in interesting times, that was certain. If someone made a movie out of my life, I was certain that it would have a more epic sound track than Heavy Metal. Hopefully, though, after I challenged Grogar and saved Leni, I'd finally be able to take a day off and relax.

So, given all of that, I couldn't help but wish that I'd had the ability to generate my own music naturally. Instead, since I'd need to put on my Battle Armor of Absolute Awesomeness +9001 in preparation for the events to come, I would have to make do with what was available. As I approached my new armor in the privacy of the recently abandoned throne room, I began to mutter the most appropriate song I knew...

Dadadada da dundundun, dadada da dundundun...

Yes, damn it, I am a nerd. I am a fucking turbo-nerd, in fact. But damned if I'm not a happy one, and that's the thing that really matters, when it's all said and done.

"I think we both know you can do better than that," Discord said, appearing behind me.

"Probably," I admitted, already having gotten used to Discord's sudden appearances. "But I don't have enough skill yet with magic to engage in recreational use. Now, if you'd like to provide a..."

"Way ahead of you," Discord said, snapping his fingers. Suddenly, the room was filled with an entire orchestra of Discords, each carrying instruments. "Whenever you're ready."

Smiling, I asked, "Have I told you lately how glad I am that you're my friend?"

"I could bear to hear it more often," he answered with a smile.

Meanwhile, outside the throne room...

"We really shouldn't let them go alone," Twilight Sparkle said, worried.

"Discord must go," Starswirl asserted, bluntly, "As he is the only one who can hold the Kazoo Of Wonders without feeling a compulsion to use it at random. And Conrad must go because, as leader of the changelings, it is his responsibility to do so. The rest of you will need to be here in Equestria, in case they fail."

"Ummm, but why did things turn out like this?" Fluttershy asked, meekly.

Twilight looked over at the shy pegasus, and asked, "What do you mean?"

Blushing, Fluttershy said, "Well, um, if Starswirl knew all about Sombra before, couldn't he have just stopped Sombra a thousand years ago?"

With a sad smile, the elderly wizard admitted, "I'd already left Equestria before Sombra's rise. Even if I had been there, I'd have been hesitant to do battle with him." At the surprised looks from the assembled ponies, he chuckled, then said, "Having witnessed the destruction caused when Twilight Sparkle and Tirek did battle, I think you have an inkling of how much collateral damage results from two wizards fighting one another. Celestia and Luna were able to defeat Sombra swiftly and soundly due to the vast difference in power between the tyrant and themselves. Otherwise... Well, there's good reason why 'Magic Duels' these days mainly involve two wizards showing off spells. A violent battle between two truly powerful wizards can drastically rearrange the geography of an entire continent, or possibly even the entire planet."

Twilight shuddered at the memory of her confrontation between herself and Tirek. She'd never imagined using magic the way that she had that day, and she'd do anything to never have to go through that again. The two of them had been throwing around blasts of power capable of leveling cities. If that battle had taken place inside of Ponyville, or a populous city like Canterlot or Manehattan...

It would have more terrible than anything she could imagine. She had nightmares about it, some nights.

"And afterwards..." Starswirl continued, unaware, "I only became fully aware of the depths of Sombra's evil and depravity recently, after a night of intensive scrying through the use of a Flashback potion. By the time I'd come to fully appreciate the danger, he'd already set up a barrier to block teleportation in the area, and to stop the princesses from entering. It took me precious minutes to find a way inside, and by then... well, the results are as you've seen." With a snort, he added, "I am not used to being made to play the fool."

With a sad smile of her own, Twilight said, "Don't worry about it. I can tell you all about how much I came to hate Sombra during my adventures in the Crystal Empire: I was very nearly thwarted in my attempts to find the Crystal Heart, just by the precautions he'd made a thousand years ago. I hate to admit it, but he's as smart as I am, if not smarter." It rankled her to admit that, but it was the honest truth.

He'd hidden the entrance to the heart's chamber using a spell that very few unicorns would know. He'd then created, at the bottom of a long, rickety staircase, a magical door that would thwart anypony without magic from entering, and if they tried to use the same spell to open it, then they'd be caught in their worst nightmare. After passing that trial, it was followed by a painfully long ascent up another, longer staircase. And then, when she got there and collected the heart, it was booby-trapped, so that once triggered, she couldn't escape. If Spike had not insisted on coming along...

Well, it pained her to even think it, but Sombra would have made a worthy rival, had he not been such a monster.

Twilight was distracted by the sudden sound of an entire orchestra coming from the throne room. Startled, she asked, "What is that?"

Scorpan, leaning against a nearby wall, said, "Humans are prone to engaging in certain rituals when they are preparing to go into battle from what I've learned of the species. Basically, Discord is playing music while Conrad girds himself for battle in order to 'psyche' himself up."

"You seem to know a bit about humans," Luna observed with a raised eyebrow.

With a shrug, the creature admitted, "When my brother escaped, Starswirl and I decided that some time away from his body might do Tirek some good. However, we couldn't allow his body to sit and rot without someone inside. Our bodies don't take well to stasis spells. However, my kind's anatomy and mentality are also radically different, not just from that of other species, but also from that of other members of our own kind, so we couldn't just pick someone on this world to inhabit his body. We had to... import one from elsewhere. We found a suitably similar species with the humans of Earth. From there, it was just a matter of finding one decent enough to be relied on not to go on a rampage as soon as he discovered how powerful he suddenly was. When we spotted Mister Conrad Conrad Conrad, who had just saved a child's life before he accidentally slipped and fell into the path of a moving vehicle, we knew we had our candidate. We were just lucky that, because of Sunset Shimmer bringing the Element of Magic to the world of humans, there was enough latent magic around to manage a teleportation spell before the moment of impact."

"So... wait," Skyflower said, he eyes wide, "Conrad's body is still alive?" That was even more surprising than finding out that his middle name had been Conrad, along with his first and last. So, he was Conrad Cubed?

Starswirl chuckled, then said, "I am not so cruel as to deny a spirit the well-deserved peace of its final destination. Had Conrad passed on, I would have let his spirit go without interference. Instead, I'm keeping his body in stasis, until Scorpan and I are certain that Tirek is truly ready to reform himself. Given how much progress he's made, we may well be ready to swap Tirek back into his body by week's end."

"And then Conrad would go back home," Ash said, a little worried. "We'd be left without a leader again.

"Only if he wants to," Starswirl said with a nod. "There's no reason why he might not want to stay here, once he's returned to his original body. And even if he does choose to go home, I am certain that the hive will do well under your guidance until a true queen arises."

"But he'll be risking all of that by confronting Grogar," Ash said, turning morose. "He could very well lose whatever competition he has planned, and not only would Grogar be freed, but he and Leni would likely also be slain outright, and Equestria would be plunged into a violent war against one of the most terrible beings that was ever born. Yet if he just allowed things to go the way they'll go without interference..."

He had a point. Leni was a single changeling, even if she was one of sterling character, given that she'd saved Skyflower, Twilight, and all of her friends, even if it had meant that she'd have died in their place. One life, versus the peace of Equestria, along with the thousands of lives that might be lost in that war, did not seem like a reasonable risk. Especially since Sombra was likely to be destroyed if Conrad did nothing.

Celestia smiled and said, "I would rather risk the safety of my kingdom than abandon even one good hearted soul to the clutches of evil. I have faith that Conrad will succeed." With a more serious expression, she added, "And even if he might fail, I had long ago taken steps so that Equestria will be prepared for Grogar's return. There is more than one method of banishing a creature to the realm of shadows. If the old goat escapes, we will send him back. It may not be easy, but if I honestly believed that the risk was too great, I'd not allow either him or Discord to leave this evening."

"On that note," Starswirl said, "I'll need to make some preparations: It takes time to create a temporary portal that can go to Tambelon, and while sunset may be hours yet, I'd rather have it up early, just in case Sombra tries to set up any more barriers." He prepared to leave, then said, "Ah, and keep the fact that Conrad's body is still alive a secret for now: He needs to stay focused on the job ahead. A distraction like that could ruin his concentration..."

"Um, if you don't mind my asking," Skyflower said, preventing his departure. "I understand that when creatures move from one world another, they take on the form of a creature of the world they travel to. Is that right?"

Starswirl nodded, and said, "Aye, it is so. There are a few exceptions, but on the whole, that is the truth." Raising an eyebrow and smiling, he asked, "Did you want to see what Conrad looks like as a pony?"

Blushing, Skyflower admitted, "Yes, I would."

Getting dressed into full battle armor to the sound of Mars, Bringer Of War... There are few things more awesome than that. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. I couldn't help but smile as I placed the crown atop my head. "One more thing I can cross off of my bucket list," I said with a chuckle.

"Aren't you a little young to have one?" Discord asked, surprised.

Shrugging, I admitted, "Maybe, but I have a pretty good reason for it: One of my best friends learned he had cancer before his sixteenth birthday, and passed away a week after graduation. If there's one thing I learned from his passing, it's that life is a gift. You never know when your last moment may come, so treasure all of it. I made my bucket list after high school ended, and I am happy to say that I was more than halfway through it before I ended up here."

With a raised eyebrow, the master of chaos asked, "Anything else that you might want to cross of the list before sunset? I mean, I'm certain that we'll make it through this, but you never know..."

I thought about it for a moment, then chuckled and asked, "How close is the nearest town?"

"Las Pegasus is about thirty miles south of here," Discord said, a smile starting to form on his face.

"Good. One of the items on my bucket list is to play a guitar so loud that it can be heard clearly in the next town over. Wanna see if we can do it?"

"I'll meet you on the roof in five minutes," Discord said, raising his hand to snap his fingers. "You can bring your guitar, and I'll bring mine."

I startled Skyflower and the rest of the group when I suddenly swung open the doors to the throne room. I was surprised to see that everypony had been watching something that Starswirl had been projecting on one wall. He'd suddenly dismissed the image when I appeared. Everypony had suddenly turned, and then, bizarrely, all of the mares began to blush bright red... including all three alicorns. Skyflower looked especially flustered, and couldn't seem to bring herself to look at me.

...Strange, but I didn't have time to dwell on it right then. "I'm about to meet Discord on the roof. We're going to play some rock and roll for a bit," I added with a gesture with my guitar. "I should warn you: It might get a little loud."

Starswirl chuckled and said, "I am given to understand that when it comes to rock and roll, there's no such thing as 'a little loud'. Go ahead and have fun. Just be ready to go in three hours time."

I nodded and said, "Right. We'll be ready."

As I rushed off to the roof, I could swear I heard the mares giggling behind me. I couldn't help but wonder, just what they'd been looking at that had seemed so interesting. And why had all of them blushed when they'd looked at me? Especially Skyflower...

Only Discord would think to have an electric ukulele as his favorite instrument.

I couldn't help but chuckle at it. At his raised eyebrow, I said, "I'm sorry, it's just so... you. I couldn't possibly imagine a better instrument."

He couldn't help but chuckle himself, then said, "So, if we're going to set a world record for loudest musical performance, which song should we go with?"

"Know any Savatage?" I asked, with a grin.

It was a wonderful day in Las Pegasus. Soarin' had just left practice for next week's aerial performance, and was flying towards the nearest restaurant for some pie. He had to admit, he was feeling a little stiff in the wings: While stunt flying is a young pony's game, the intense maneuvers of the Wonderbolts were in a class all their own, and the constant strain and pressure were both taking their toll. He'd already sustained one serious injury this year, and he'd been lucky that it hadn't been a career ender. Maybe he should look into grooming a replacement so that he could retire. Otherwise, he might end up burning out before he was twenty five...

"MADNESS REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGNS!!!"

The pegasus nearly lost control in midair at the titanic sound of a massive shout that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once...

"...IN THE HALL... OF THE MOUNTAIN KING!!!"

Sombra, still biding his time in Hades, suddenly whipped his head around, searching for where that sudden sound had come from. "What the deuce was that?"

Yeah, I think we might have overdone it a little bit...

Author's Note

I Had You Going There For A Minute, Didn't I?

Fun's fun, but business is business.

After three hours of hard rocking loud enough that all the damned souls in Pony Hell were probably trying to figure out how the throw the goat with hooves, I had gotten myself fully acquainted with my new guitar. I will freely admit, it was tricky, learning how to play with Tirek's sausage-like digits, especially since I was a little out of practice, but after three hours, I was fully prepared for what was to come.

Discord had the magical kazoo. I had my guitar. Starswirl had the transportation handled (We'd appear at the outskirts of the city. He dared not transport us inside, for fear that Grogar might take advantage of the dimensional distortion and try to escape). Everyone else, even the changelings, were in the throne room, ready to see us off. We just needed to say our goodbyes, and we would be on our way.

Trust Ash to think of the one thing that nopony else had, though.

"Milord, the hive and I wish to give you something before you go," He said with a bow, while Discord and Fluttershy exchanged tearful promises to see each other soon.

Nodding, I said, "Alright. What do you wish to give?" Whatever it is, I was certain that it would be useful: Every gift he'd given me thus far had been awesome, after all.

Ash turned towards the gathered changelings that had returned to the throne room, and said, "Alright, everybuggy! Fifty percent, but no more!"

The assembled changelings opened their mouths, and...

And a pink, smokelike energy began to emerge from their mouths, and gather into a sphere in front of me. With a bow, Ash said, "We offer you this, milord: Half of the love energy in the hive. Sombra and Grogar both use the power of fear and hate, which can only be countered by courage and love. While your valor is certainly not in question, you may need an additional boost in regards to love, should things go awry."

The sphere that was forming didn't grow, exactly, but rather it simply condensed. Otherwise, I had the distinct impression that it would have been large enough to blot out the sun. Tactfully, I said, "I do appreciate the offer, but I don't know if it'll work. When I tried 'eating' the queen's energy..." Well, it had been so horribly minty, like I'd tried to eat toothpaste...

"The queen was a madmare," Ash asserted, "and I am certain that when she used that energy to attack you, she tainted it in some way. If you try it now, I am certain that it will be to your liking."

Hesitantly, I traced a finger along the edge of the sphere, and pulled off a tiny spec of energy from it. I gave it a tentative lick, and...

Okay, I am kind of ashamed to admit it, but I immediately grabbed the whole sphere and started chowing down on it like there was no tomorrow. I mean, it was like pizza made from bacon, or like steak made of beer, or like cotton candy made from the sugar of the gods! It was so delicious that, after I was done, it took all my self-control not to reach out, crack open a changeling, and eat some more...

And the rush I felt afterwards. Indescribable. Words fail me. I had never experienced anything like it, before or since. I wondered if that was what becoming a super-saiyan felt like...

"Huh," Twilight said, surprised. "I was half-expecting him to start growing..."

"Quality over quantity," Scorpan said, simply.

Confused, the lavender pegacorn asked, "What?"

With a shrug, the... winged monkey man thing said, "Not all magic energies make my people grow. Raw magic energy gives us strength, but it inflates us like balloons. Other energy types, like love, friendship, and stuff like that, empowers us without making us enormous. It's a whole lot safer than what Tirek was stealing: If Tirek hadn't been stopped when he had, he would likely have continued until he popped... explosively. And an explosion like that would have left a crater where Equestria once was."

Yikes. "Thank goodness no one offered him a wafer-thin mint," I said with a chuckle.

Discord burst out laughing, as did Pinkie Pie. The rest of the assembled ponies and changelings just looked confused. I sighed, then said, "Right. As soon as I get back, I'll need to introduce all of you to Monty Python." Shit, if time wasn't a factor, I'd have gone ahead and introduced them all to one of the greatest things to ever come out of Great Britain....

"Um, is Monty a nice python?" Fluttershy asked... shyly.

I'm sorry, but words fail to describe the cuteness of Fluttershy, especially when she asks a silly question like that. I know it sounds kinda odd, since she's basically a teenage girl, but regardless, she's the most adorable teenage girl ever. Forever.

Unable to think of a better answer to that adorable question, I said, "He's a very silly python who has a flying circus. Ask Pinkie Pie about it after we leave. She probably knows more about it than I do." And damned if Pinkie didn't salute and nod with a smile. I will never understand that silly pink pony, but I can't help but like her nonetheless.

"Alright, Discord," I said, looking over at him and Fluttershy. "It is time to go."

The draconequus nodded, and the two of us stepped through the magic portal to the Equestrian equivalent of R'lyeh to face goat Cthulhu and pony Hitler in a battle to save the life of a love-eating bug pony that I'd known for maybe about three days.

...I love how crazy my life has gotten.

Okay, my first impression of Tambelon justifies my likening the ancient ruins to H. P. Lovecraft's corpse city of the ancient unknowable horrors from beyond time and space. THe city was a study in non-Euclidian geometry that made me feel sick to my stomach just looking at it. I can't do the place justice with words. Here's something that can give you an idea: Look at the nearest door frame. Now look at the upper right corner. Now imagine that corner as an angle, a curve, and a straight line ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! There's a reason why the Equestrian army considers the outpost overlooking this place the worst place in the world to be, and that's even before the creepy shit that stalks this place at night. This place did not belong in this world. It would be like seeing a location from a cartoon drawn in the 1980's in the middle of a current era work.

Discord told me later that this place looked a lot more normal once, but eons of contact with the realm of shadows had sent reality out to lunch in ways that even the master of chaos himself could not achieve. Discord likes things to be random and crazy, but even this was beyond his capabilities. He could bend reality to his whims, but here, reality was broken to the very foundation...

Anyways, for the sake of everyone's sanity, especially my own, I'm going to stop trying to describe the indescribable.

"Uh oh," Discord said, looking at the sky.

I looked up as well. Dammit: The sun was almost completely down. Starswirl had made a miscalculation: Tambelon was in the far eastern section of Equestria. The White Tail Woods, where the hive was located, was in the far west. That put the ruins in a different time zone than where we started. Translation? We'd left a couple of hours before sunset at the hive, but here, the sun was almost gone.

We'd planned on reaching the place where Sombra would make his offer, wait for things to go bad for the jerk, then step in before Grogar killed Leni. Instead, we'd have to run, or we might not make it in time...

Meanwhile, in the throne room of the ruined castle of Tambelon...

Sombra was in the midst of the ritual needed to call Grogar forth from the realm of shadows. The blood red candles, all fifty-nine of them, were lit with black flames. The twelve bowls of offerings (Milk, honey, oats, barley, wine, etc.) were filled to their rims. Sombra was in the process of walking the dread tread, the peripatis thaumaturgae - counterclockwise, eleven steps to the circuit, with, of course, the semi-hop following each third completion of the circuit to throw off what demons might be tailing behind in the astral plane. And he was almost done with the chant of ages, a chant created by an ancient elder race with neither mouths, tongues, nor throats. It made for an interesting chant.

...Admittedly, the ritual could be performed with just two small bits of wood and a fresh egg (or 2cc of mouse blood), but Sombra was a traditionalist to the core. Besides, a fresh egg in Tambelon tended to hatch suddenly... and the thing that came out when it did so was rarely a chicken, and mouse blood did even stranger things here...

Leni watched all of this with an expression of frustration, suspended from the ceiling by a chain connected to the manacles around her legs. It had been trying, keeping up the perfect Skyflower disguise for so long. She'd expected Sombra to just kill her quickly and be done with it. Instead, he had something dreadful planned. Something that promised to be slow and agonizing. Were it for just anyone else, Leni would have dropped the disguise by now and be done with it. However, every second she remained here in disguise was a second that Skyflower had to find someplace to find shelter. It gave the hive more time to prepare for Sombra's return. And it gave Emperor Conrad more time to come find her. He had changed the fate of the changelings in but a single night. He had faced Discord himself in battle, and had defeated one of the most powerful beings in Equestria just by shouting at him. He had befriended that very being within a few minutes afterwards. There was nothing that Lord Conrad could not do. Leni believed, with all her heart and soul, that he would come and save her...

And that he would kick Sombra's sorry flank so hard that his face and cutie mark would switch places.

In the middle of the room, a crack appeared in the air, and something was visible within...

It was an eye. A glowing red eye, with a rectangular bar of black for a pupil...

The eye swiveled towards the tyrant, and a cold, empty voice said, "Ah, Sombra. I was wondering who was calling me. It has been some time since I saw you last, has it not? A thousand years, give or take? I would say I was beginning to worry about you, but we both know that would be a lie."

Scowling, Sombra said, "Grogar, I have come to make an exchange, according to the terms of our agreement." Gesturing towards Leni, he said, "In exchange for the soul of a blood relative, I request a boon of power from you."

The eye swiveled back to give Leni a glance that left the disguised changeling deeply unnerved. In the eye of Grogar, she could see own reflection. Her own, not Skyflower's.

He... he could see through her illusion. Grogar knew that she was a fake! It was as good as over now...

Grogar gave a chuckle which held a trace of something that might, were one obscenely generous, have been called amusement, then swiveled back towards Sombra. "Truly? You wish to offer her to me in exchange for a boon of power?"

Staring the... thing in the eye, Sombra asked, "Did I stutter?"

"I simply wished to confirm, before we began," the... whatever that was said, his voice once again cold. "Very well. You know, of all the beings that have come to strike bargains with me, I think that you might be my favorite." At Sombra's shocked expression, Grogar gave another cold chuckle, then continued, "Others come to me with their trifling requests. 'Oh Grogar, please save my foal from dying due to this terrible disease,' or 'Please Grogar, help me take revenge on the monsters who wiped out my village.' Matters beneath my contempt, really. But you, you came to me, demanding the power necessary to force your own ideals upon the world." With a final hollow chuckle, he added, "And even after being sent to Hades, you come back right away with the intent of repeating the same actions. Most ponies, upon ending up there, would reflect upon their actions, and consider the possibility that they might have been in the wrong, but not the great King Sombra. I wonder, do you even remember why you started down this path, or has your lust for power drowned out the memory of your father's death?"

With an angry snort, Sombra said, "Enough stalling! Grant me my boon, and be done with it!"

"Hmph," Grogar said with a trace of annoyance, "Very well. I shall give you the greatest boon that I can bestow." The eye began to glow with a dark blue light, and a moment later, Sombra's body began to glow the same shade. For a moment, the tyrant seemed confused, as if, besides the glow, nothing was happening. And then...

And then his horn fell off.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" Sombra exclaimed, staring at his shorn horn in horror.

Laughing, this time with malice, Grogar said, "I have done you a favor: I have transformed you into a superior species!" At Sombra's incredulous expression, the... thing said, "Oh, you thought that just becasue you could shoot spells from your horn, that you were superior to the 'Mud Ponies' and 'Feather Dusters' of the world? Foolish. Of the three races of ponykind, the Earth Ponies are far more resistant to disease, much more resilient when it comes to recovery from physical injury, and live much longer and healthier lives than their counterparts due to their active lifestyles. Further, they are much more fertile, bearing on average far more offspring than either race combined. Meanwhile, pegasai are prone to breaking bones more easily, due to the lighter bone structure that enables them to fly, and unicorns live shorter lifespans, due to their bodies being more frail, since... heh, they rely on their magic to do everything for them. Oh, and Earth Ponies can grow their own food." And then, he twisted the proverbial knife, adding, "Superior. Right. What kind of superior lifeform can't even establish their own stable food supply?" Looking over at Leni, he added, "No offense?"

Dropping her disguise, and revealing herself as a changling for Sombra to see, Leni said, "None taken. We're working on that."

His eyes wide, Sombra whispered, "She was a fake..."

With another laugh that dripped with malice, Grogar said, "Even if she had been the real Skyflower, she would not have met the criteria for the offering: She is no more your blood relation than Celestia or Luna would be." His tone became mocking as he rubbed salt in the wound, adding, "Poor little Sombra, so blind to the world around him that he failed to notice that his sister-in-law's pregnancy was a month shorter than the norm..."

Grinding his teeth in impotent rage, Sombra said, "Curse you, Grogar. I swear, by all the blood in my body, that you will suffer for this..."

Grogar gave another chuckle that was equal parts mirth and malice, then said, "A hollow threat, especially from a weakling. You have no defense against those who will come seeking vengeance against you now. And while you may have an earth pony's body, you lack their strength or stamina: A five year old filly could take you in a fight, let alone the things that wander the ruins of Tambelon after nightfall. I sincerely doubt that you will even see the sun rise." The eye narrowed, and Grogar asked, "But why wait, when I can strike both you and her down right here and now?"

Another eerie glow filled the room, and the shadows of the room became darker, more menacing. Skeletal limbs began to reach out from the darkness...

And then, there was a noise. No, noise did not do it justice. Nor did sound, or any other word. What came from everywhere at once was not a sensation, but an experience. It was as if the gods themselves had come down from the heavens, grabbed the entire world, and shook it while roaring at the top of their lungs. A moment later, the roof of the throne room was torn away, and the sight was replaced by a titanic monstrosity made of metal...

And then, impossibly, Lord Conrad's voice roared out over the metal god's voice, shouting, "BAGGER 288, BITCHES!!!"

Her eyes and mouth open wide in awe, a portion of Leni's mind wondered if Ash would be okay if she regular-married him, and turbo-married Lord Conrad...

If anyone ever says that the power of love is for losers, feel free to slap the fucking shit out of that dumbass two hundred eighty-eight times.

We'd made very good time through the ruins of Tambelon, since whatever monsters roam Tambelon at night knew better than to start shit with the master of chaos and the world's most metal centaur. However, our destination was the throne room of the palace, and it would take a long time to navigate the corridors of that place, even in its normal incarnation. With the things that the shadow world had done to that building over the ages, it might take centuries to find our way to the throne room by foot. Worse, teleportation was a bad idea here, due to it being a no-Euclidian-geometry-allowed zone. Who knows where we might have ended up? So, what was a pair of uber-powerful beings to do, in a situation like this?

Answer: Fuck. Shit. Up.

Like I said before, I was feeling like a super-saiyan at the moment, so I decided to just take all of that extra power that the hive had given me, and use it to spontaneously manifest a Bagger 288. It's like how Discord just makes stuff appear, just on a far larger scale. I honestly couldn't explain how I managed it now. Maybe it was just the adrenaline, letting me tap into some portion of Tirek's brain that I normally couldn't access. Maybe it was just a place where our interests intersected: My random trivia knowledge jived with Lord Tirek's inherent love for wrecking things, or something like that. Regardless, without any help from Discord, except for driving that awesome engine of limitless annihilation, I managed to call forth earth's mechanical version of Bahamut purely from the power of love.

From there, it was just a matter of ripping our way through to the throne room.

Simple. Yet. Awesome.

Striding along the massive arm of the massive bucket wheel excavater, I made my way casually to the throne room. Dropping in from above, I asked, "So, what's up?"

Sombra, dehorned, was sitting in a corner, crying and wailing like a little bitch. Leni was suspended from the ceiling, looking at me as if I had gone beyond being the god of the changelings to being the supergod of everything awesome, everywhere, forever. And in the crack in the air, I got my first glance of Grogar, or at least his eye.

Goat eye. Creepy. As. Fuck.

In the cold, empty voice of his, he asked, "What is that?"

Clearing my throat, I recited from memory, "That is the Bagger 288, or Excavator 288..." I then recited, verbatim, the entire contents of the wikipedia article concerning this epic monster of devastation. It took me about five minutes, all told. I'd heard about it, one day, and out of curiosity, spent an afternoon looking up the machine, as well as looked into a documentary about it.

Still reeling, Leni said, "You sure seem to know a lot about it..."

Spreading my arms wide, I proclaimed, "I AM A RANDOM TRIVIA GOD!!!"

Grogar, seemingly not amused, asked, "As enlightening as all of that was, I must ask, what are you doing here?"

I pointed towards Sombra and said, "That asshole abducted my vassal." I pointed towards Leni, then said, "I'm here to rescue her." As an after thought, I added, "And I'm taking that asshole, too. I have plans for him." Oh what plans I had...

"I think not," Grogar said, his tone stern. "Regardless of whether she is your vassal or not, she is mine now, as is that 'asshole', as you call him."

I had hoped that he'd just let us take them both, given that I had just summoned the god of excavators to lay waste to his palace, but I suppose it takes more than a marvel of engineering to impress that old goat.

"So I shall take them now, if you have no other objections," said goat stated, his eye glowing a dark blue.

At that moment, Discord dropped down, dressed in leather like Rob Halford from Judas Priest (Circa 1979), and shouted, "Wait! Waaaaaaaiiiiiiit!!! WAAAAAIIIIIIIT, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!! WE CHALLENGE YOU TO A ROCK OFF!!!" Then, in a quieter tone, he added, "Give us one chance to rock your socks off..."

Dammit. I'd really wanted to be the one who said that.

Author's Note

Bagger 288

Rob Halford is the front man for the band Judas Priest, one of the most iconic metal bands out there, and along with Monty Python's Flying Circus, is one of the greatest things to ever come out of the UK.

No? Really? Am I That Transparent?

No? Really? Am I That Transparent?

I suppose that if you're going to have to have a battle to decide the fate of the world, a rock off is the absolute best way to do it.

I mean, sure, my lovely sisters, the Trifecta, were of the opinion that a fist-fight between two shirtless men with nice abs was better, and my dad thought that a samurai swordfight was the way to go. My mom? Wizard duel. Fireballs, lightning, the whole shebang. But me, personally? A battle of the bands was the only way to do it. Given what I'd learned of Equestria, and of Twilight's adventures, I can't help but wonder if this world is of the same opinion. Equestrians, and in fact just about every other race on this planet, love to sing, and the more powerful the being, the better a singer they usually are. I can't help but wonder, is Elvis really dead, or did he travel to Equestria so that he could ascend to godhood?

Ah, sorry, I'm getting a little off-track. Anyhow, Discord's challenge initially startled the old goat, but then, there was a sudden change in his behavior. The... thing's eye widened, and when he spoke, he actually seemed... interested. Greatly interested, in fact.

"A musical competition?" The old goat's voice sounded... worryingly enthusiastic. "Really? I'd be delighted!" That should have been a warning sign, right then and there. Grogar's city was once a marvel of the world, as dark and terrible as it was, and if there was one thing that the old goat enjoyed, it was the sound of music. While the sound of bells was especially pleasant to him, he loved music in all its many forms. It was the reason why he'd kept the ponies alive: While his servants, the trogs, were fierce warriors, they couldn't carry a tune if it had handles attached, and all of them had tin ears besides. Ah, figuratively speaking, of course. He mostly kept his pony slaves around just to hear them sing.

His tone turned suspicious as he asked, "But what are the terms? I assume you are wagering safe passage out of Tambelon, free of interference from myself and all those things that roam the city at night. But what are you willing to wager in exchange?"

Discord held up The Kazoo Of Wonders with a grin and said, "Freedom. If you win, you'll finally be free to leave your prison in the world of shadows." Raising an eyebrow, he asked, "Interested?"

"Oh my, yes, very interested." The goat chuckled wickedly, asking, "But who shall judge our little competition? I sincerely hope you don't expect me to be an impartial critic, and I suspect that you'll hardly be willing to give a fully honest appraisal of my work, either."

I'd really hoped I'd not have to do this, but I supposed that I had no choice. "I've got that covered. A moment, please?" I turned my head towards the opening that the Bagger 288 had created, and shouted, "HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR!!!"

This time, he didn't bother with the theatrics. He just popped into existence, and asked, "Sup?" Looking me over, he added, "Wrong number again?"

Hastur, if that is who and/or what he truly was, was as unsettling as before. I couldn't say for certain if he was a figure in yellow robes with a mask, or a mass of tentacles, or what, but whatever he was, he seemed way too... casual. Too... human, for something that should, by all rights, transcend human comprehension. But then again, it may have just been my mortal mind trying to put a face to something that didn't have a face. Or maybe the great old ones, in spite of the drastic differences in appearance, are a lot more like us than we would like to think...

Nervously, I said, "We need an impartial judge for a rock off competition. I don't suppose you'd be interested?"

Surprisingly, the aspect of itself that was a figure in yellow robes, pulled said robes open, revealing a Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets T-Shirt, and exclaimed, "FHTAGN YES!!! Just let me get the crew together!" As he turned towards the opening, I heard him say, "I haven't judged a musical competition since Erich Zann and Paganini went at it over that golden fiddle. This is gonna be great!"

Grogar, seeming to have difficulty with what he was seeing, asked, "What in Hades is that?"

Chuckling merrily, Discord said, "Something that even I wouldn't want to pick a fight with. A horror from beyond space and time. Fairly pleasant chap, surprisingly, as long as you stay on its good side. His kind view worlds like ours as a source of entertainment, mostly. The perfect choice for a judge: His kind have absolutely no stake in who wins or who loses, given that he's not even of this plane of existence, let alone this world."

Grogar had no way of responding to that. In fact, he seemed a little disturbed, perhaps even frightened, of the creature now present in the room. Surreal, but in a way, it made a weird kind of sense: Grogar had spend pretty much his entire existence being the biggest fish in a small pond. He just learned that there's an ocean out there, and that there were sharks there... as well as whales. Grogar might have been banished to the realm of shadows, and he might be powerful beyond belief, but...

Well, the average mortal is probably like an ant, or maybe an amoeba, to Hastur. Grogar, at his peak, might register as a cockroach, but nothing higher than that. Hastur was... distressingly polite to us mere mortals, like a person who might go out of his way to avoid stepping on an anthill, and might even leave sugar out for the little ants to eat, but that didn't change the fact that he was as far beyond humans as anything could ever get. Hastur, if I recalled correctly, was the character depicted in The King In Yellow, making him one of the few beings in the mythos who interacted directly with humans. There were a couple of other beings in the cosmic pecking order who were like that, if HP Lovecraft could be believed.

Hastur broke me from my reverie when he shouted out, "NYARLATHOTEP!!! GET YOUR BLACK ASS DOWN HERE!!! AND BRING THE SKINNY KID WITH YOU!!!"

Okay, Nyarlathotep, I remembered. But... who was the skinny kid?

In front of Hastur, there suddenly appeared a tall, African human with a big smile, and he (or it) was dressed like an Egyptian pharaoh, a jackal-headed staff clutched in one hand. And beside him? A tall, skinny, humanoid thing with no face, wearing an incredibly dapper business suit. He looked a little bit nervous, like a freshman who'd suddenly been asked to hang out with the coolest seniors on campus.

Okay, yeah, I should have expected that. Slender Man might not have been part of the official mythos, but he does fit right in...

"So, what's up?" Nyarlathotep asked, an eyebrow raised.

Hastur, his tone one of barely contained excitement, said, "We've been invited to judge a rock off!"

Nyar looked surprised, and asked, "No shit? Sweet. I could use a break."

Slender Man remained silent, but was trembling nervously in excitement...

Hastur, spinning to face us and turning a little more serious, said, "Alright, you two, standard rock off rules: You each get one song, and the three of us will evaluate it, giving it a score from... what do you call it, one to ten? Yes, one to ten. The performer who has the highest score shall win. In the event of a tie, you both go again. Understood?"

I nodded, and the old goat gave a gruff, "Agreed."

Cocking a grin at Grogar's eye, I asked, "So, do you want to go first?"

Say what you will about the old goat, but Grogar recovered quickly. "Absolutely. One moment, please." The eye retreated, and then a pair of hooves, normal sized, appeared at the edges, stretching the crack in midair noticeably wider. Once the crack was made large enough, I finally got a good look at Grogar... and, well, he's a big blue goat. I didn't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. The eye much have been magnified somehow (Maybe the tear was really tiny on his end, and he had his eye right up against it?), because now, he seemed no larger than I was... which was still pretty damned big, compared to everypony in Equestria. He wore a silver bell on a red collar around his neck, and he had a pair of impressive horns and red eyes, but asides from that, he was just a great big goat.

But what really worried me was the fact that Grogar had a guitar. A guitar with a body in the shape of a goat's skull. And it was a triple guitar. It was also on fire, and had lightning crackling up and down the strings. I honestly have no idea how the fuck that works, but it obviously did. And. It. Was. Awesome. Credit where it was due, Grogar had style when it came to guitars.

My first thought was that it would be impossible for that thing to play, and if it did, it would sound awful. You know, like how a fiddle made of gold would: It would be incredibly heavy, and the strings would never be able to produce the right sounds. But then, his bell began to glow, and the guitar strings began to vibrate. And...

Alright, I'll admit, I almost lost all hope right then and there. There's skill, and there's skill, and being able to play Through Fire And Flames by Dragonforce takes epic skill. I'll even go so far as to admit that Grogar had skillz with a Z. Had I not seen the judges out of the corner of my eye, I might have immediately forfeit the match...

Nyarlathotep, Slender Man, and Hastur were leaning against one wall, watching and listening... but other than that, they didn't seem to be into it. It was almost as if they seemed... disappointed.

"This doesn't bode well," Discord whispered in my ear. He looked more than a little scared at that moment.

I smiled, and whispered, "Let's wait for what the judges have to say before we give up the good fight."

That song is hella long, and has a great many epic riffs. In terms of guitar work, it was a masterpiece. However, there's a lot more to rock and metal than just guitar playing. Hell, Apocalyptica rocks out loud, and it's composed of three cello players and a drummer.

Grogar's voice was a dull monotone. For all his skill, his heart wasn't truly in it. He could play the guitar like a metal god, but where it really mattered, he was deficient.

And when the judges gave their scores, it showed.

"Seven," Nyarlathotep said, flatly. "You're great with the guitar, but for pity's sake, goat, take some singing lessons!"

Slender Man held up six fingers, five on one hand, and on the other the middle finger was extended. So, either a six, or a negative five? I got the feeling that he wasn't enjoying himself as much as he'd hoped he would.

Hastur, his voice a little annoyed, said, "Five. I'm sure your mother is very proud of your ability to play really, really fast, but faster isn't necessarily better. The lyrics were so-so, and your singing voice is like fingernails on the chalkboard of my mind... which is saying something. If you weren't so skilled with the guitar, I wouldn't even have given you that much."

Grogar was flabberghasted, but he had to accept the scores as they were given. He might have tried to bully mortal judges for an improved score, but not these three...

Discord looked over at me, then asked, "Will you need any help?"

Smiling, I waved him away and said, "I got this."

Putting epic pick to epic guitar, I began to play a song from one of my favorite bands: Drink, by Alestorm. There are few things more incredible than True Scottish Pirate Metal, and with Tirek's gruff voice, I was able to do a very good impersonation of the band's front man. The guitar took care of the drums, violin, and back up vocals... and almost immediately, I knew I had it in the bag.

Within a minute, Slender Man began throwing the goat, while Nyarlathotep started tapping his foot in time to the beat. Hastur held up a cigarette lighter in one tentacle, and lit it. At the first chorus, Nyar started thumping his staff in time, and Slender was throwing the goat with both hands. A second cigarette lighter joined the one that Hastur had out. And as I roared into the finale, Nyarlathotep was playing air guitar on his staff, Slendy was headbanging violently, and every tentacle that Hastur had was holding a lit cigarette lighter.

And Grogar? In spite of himself, I spotted him nodding in time as the song went on.

When the song reached its finale, Grogar raised a hoof, and admitted, "I do not need to hear the score. I know when I have lost. I shall concede defeat." With a dismissive gesture, he said, "Take your prizes and go."

An eyebrow raised, Discord asked, "What, no loud, extended scream of 'No'? That's my favorite part!"

Grogar, with a snort, said, "I have been at this for eons, Discord. I play the long game: This is not the first time that I have been foiled, and it shall not likely be the last. What matters is not how many setbacks I suffer, but that in the end, I shall stand triumphant."

Discord rolled his eyes at that, as did I. The goat didn't lack for confidence or determination, I suppose, but then again, Skeletor didn't either. If the amount of time it took him to succeed was equivalent to that of He-Man's arch-nemesis, Equestria had more urgent concerns, such as, oh, I don't know, the heat death of the universe?

Hastur waved a tentacle to catch my attention, then said, "Great song, mortal. I was not disappointed. Feel free to invite us any time you have a rock off. Fhtagn, just let me know when you want to jam! It's hard to find anyplace where we can go to a concert without the locals screaming and shooting blood out of their eyeballs. We might have to make this place our new vacation destination."

I gulped, then said, "Just, uh, be sure to get the okay from the big ponies before you start crashing any parties. I can't guarantee that everyone is as open-minded as I am."

I got the distinct impression of an eye roll, however many eyes that Hastur has, and he said, "Fine, fine. Fair enough. But for now, we gotta go. Places to go, things to do. You know the deal."

"Perfectly understandable," I admitted with a nod. "See you around." Hopefully not anytime soon...

And with that, the three were gone. Poof. Vanished. Wish I knew how to do that.

I walked over to where Leni was hanging from the ceiling. Disord snapped his fingers and her bindings vanished, and I caught her before she reached the ground. She hugged me enthusiastically, and exclaimed, "My hero!" I admit, I blushed a little bit at that.

And then, I turned my attention towards Sombra...

He was still clutching that sundered horn of his, and glaring at us with an expression of undisguised loathing...

Pointing his hoof in our direction, he shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"

Rolling my eyes, I asked, "Really? Because from where I'm sitting, I'm pretty sure you did a stellar job of fucking your life up centuries before I ever came along." Look, I'm sorry, but this guy was a unicorn supremacist, murderous tyrant, who, if not the most evil pony to have ever lived, then was almost certainly in the top ten. I wasn't going to mince words with him.

Either he wasn't listening, though, or my words just added fuel to the fire. His voice went deadly cold, and he said, "I swear, by all things dark, by all that hates, none of you are leaving this place alive." With that, Sombra drove the horn into his chest, tip first.

"Uh oh," Discord said, his face taking on the perfect 'Oh Crap' expression.

"Uh oh," said Grogar, his own goatish features nearly mirroring Discord's.

"Uh oh?" Both Leni and I asked in unison.

Sombra's body began to swell, and his teeth, which were once mostly flat, with the exception of his fangs, began to become sharp, and wicked looking...

Discord snapped his fingers, calling up a transparent barrier, just seconds before the mutating tyrant began throwing himself towards us, laughing like a lunatic.

"Sombra's dark magic," Grogar said, his tone now revealing far more emotion than I thought that the old goat had, and this emotion being of absolute horror, "was stored primarily in his horn. It had to be, since dark magic can corrupt living flesh very quickly. Even just the tiny bit that ebbs from his horn into his body was enough to... mutate him, changing him into something both more and less than the average unicorn. Now he's taken all of the dark magic in that horn, and forcibly implanted it into his body."

His body grew larger still, and tentacles started erupting out of his back, with wicked looking barbs on the ends. His hooves slowly warped into claws...

"Of course, dark magic of that magnitude cannot be contained within mortal flesh for very long, without destroying it. That's why Sombra kept it in his horn, and I utilize my bell. So, once the energy causes his body to mutate as far as his biology will allow, it will be just a matter of time before he overloads... and explodes." With a gulp, he added, "And trying to attack him now would just make him detonate sooner."

Gulping, I asked, "How big an explosion are we talking?"

Discord, almost conversationally, asked, "Ever see the movie 'Akira'?"

"Oh shit," I said, as I began to realize just how fucked we were.

Wait, we?

"So, why does Grogar sound so scared?"

Clearing his throat, the goat admitted, "While I may be locked in the realm of shadows, the city of Tambelon is a point of contact between both worlds, and as you saw, energy can still flow between the realms, especially the power of dark magic. An explosion of that magnitude, here, will be just as damaging on my end as it will be on yours."

Sombra's body was now massive. His eyes were now blood red, with no visible whites or pupils, and the crazy purple smoke that used to just ebb out from both orbs was now billowing out in abundance. More tendrils were whipping out from his body, as well as other, stranger appendages. Sombra was still laughing like a madpony. Or a mad-thing. His voice was warped, distorted, like something from out of hell's cesspit. There was hardly anything still equine about him. He was going to die, a hideous freak of nature, and he knew it, but if he was he would take us all to pony hell with him...

No one could teleport in or out, due to how fucked up space was here, and given how worried Discord and Grogar were, it was obvious that they didn't expect to survive being at ground zero. Hell, there was no guarantee that, if we did teleport and survived, that we'd be out of range. We were all going to die...

Fuck. That. Shit.

My brain kicked into full-on Emperor Kickass McAwesometown mode, and the simplest idea possible came to mind.

"Grogar," I asked, keeping my tone calm, "You could take that power away from Sombra, right?" Well, what he gaveth, he ought to be able to taketh awayeth, in an ideal world...

Studying me for a moment, he admitted, "I could work my magic upon Sombra before because of the bargain we had reached. My dehorning him ended that bargain, along with my ability to work magic upon him across the gulf between the realms. He'd have to be here in the realm of shadows for me to be able to do as you suggest." His eyes widened in surprise, and he asked, "Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"

"Maybe," I admitted with an evil grin. After all, we'd walked in here with a tool that could move things to and from the realm of shadows, right? "So, if Sombra was there with you, you would be able to take care of him very quickly?"

A wicked grin crossed his face as Grogar said, "'Quick' would not enter the equation, if I have anything to say about it, but yes, I could handle him."

Looking over at Discord, I asked, "Still got that kazoo handy?"

An equally nasty grin on his face, Discord said, "Way ahead of you."

On what could still be called Sombra's face, a look of shock could be seen briefly as Discord brought The Kazoo Of Wonders to his lips, and blew. With a poof of blue smoke and what I swear was a handful of confetti, the tyrant vanished.

Grogar, turning to look at something 'offscreen', said, "One moment please." He then stepped away, and there was a series of loud noises, a few screams of pain, and finally a shout of 'UNCLE!' A moment later, the goat returned, looking worse for wear, but grinning triumphantly. "Taken care of."

Looking the goat over, I asked, "So... what will you do with him, now?"

He seemed as if he might have been ready to say 'None of your business', but he reconsidered. Given that I had just saved his life, that seemed to have put me into his good graces, such as they are. "I have a cell where I keep those who have failed me spectacularly. I shall spare you the details, but it is quite dreadful, if I do say so myself. I shall ensure that he shall have a very long time to consider how... ill-advised his actions were." With a cold chuckle, he added, "I'm certain that Bray will appreciate some company, after all of these eons alone."

I considered demanding Sombra back, but after trying to kill me, Leni, Discord, and Mister Metal Goat Rocker, as well as anyone else within the blast radius of his self-detonation, what little pity I might have felt towards Sombra was long gone. I honestly didn't care if Grogar planned to cram a steak down Sombra's throat and shove a hungry honey badger up his ass thrice a day, every day, until the end of time. Whatever Grogar intended, Sombra had earned a thousand times over, and then some.

"Just make sure he doesn't bother anyone, ever again," I said with finality.

Grogar nodded, and said, "Done." After a moment, he added, uncomfortably, "I am... not in the habit of remaining in debt to others, mortal. I owe you my life, and I pay what I owe. If you ever have need of something, let me know."

I considered asking for something then and there: I wasn't in the habit of keeping people in my debt, myself. However, having Grogar owe me a favor might be useful someday in the future, so I simply nodded, and said, "I'll keep that in mind." Picking up Leni and setting her on my equine back, I bowed and said, "But for now, we must go. Places to go, and things to do. I'm certain you understand."

With a small snort, the goat nodded, and said, "Of course. Our original bargain still stands. You will have safe passage out of the city. I recommend traveling quickly, though: As terrible as night can be in the ruins of Tambelon, the city can be far worse in the light of day."

Right, this city was the stuff of nightmares when you could barely see it in the moonlight. Who knew how terrible it might get once it was fully illuminated...

Grogar's opening in the air closed with finality, and we left the ruins of Tambelon with all the speed we could muster.

Alright, Fine, Just Not In The Face... OWWW MY FACE!!!

Author's Note

Well, it has been a wild ride, but this one is over now. Enjoy the ending, everybody! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Alright, Fine, Just Not In The Face... OWWW MY FACE!!!

I had to admit, I was one sexy alicorn.

Grogar had kept his word: Our trip back to Starswirl's portal had been uneventful, and after our teary-eyed reunions, Discord and I got the low-down on what had really happened to my body. I was... well, at the time, I was a little ambivalent about whether I would stay or go, but I figured I'd decide later. For now, I just wanted to be in my own body. Starswirl had promised to put things right an hour after sunrise.

As I studied my ponified body the following morning, still in suspended animation, I couldn't help but chuckle. True, I wasn't as tall as Celestia or Luna. I was barely an inch taller than Twilight was. However, I had found out something interesting about equines, when I saw the reactions all the mares were giving my body, something that I remembered from a biology class in college: When most creatures look for a mate, symmetry is a major turn on. My face may be on the handsome side of average back home, but I don't have any blemishes, flaws, or deformities, so when it translated to pony form, it was like I suddenly had the face of a supermodel.

As for physical fitness? Mares seem to like a medium build, even on really tall guys. Example: Applejack's brother, Big Macintosh, is amongst the tallest ponies in Ponyville, but while strong, doesn't have huge muscles bulging everywhere. He's considered the most attractive stallion in the entire town. Bulk Biceps is about the same height, but he's got muscles piled on muscles, with an extra side of muscles to go with it. Sad thing is, the poor guy can't get a date with anyone, except maybe Fluttershy, who is able to look past his almost grotesque musculature. Of course, maybe that's because of his stunted wings, but still, his huge muscles don't help him in getting any action.

Anyways, all of that together meant that my body was the sexiest thing to hit Equestria since Celestia and Luna hit puberty. My coat was kinda yellowish, with a brown mane and tail, so that I kinda looked like a ponified Emmett, but otherwise, I looked pretty damned good...

"So, this is what you really look like."

I turned around, and faced a small mayonnaise jar sitting on the table in the throne room. The contents were glowing a bright red, but otherwise were impossible to see clearly. I have to admit, that was the last thing I would have considered to be the container of Lord Tirek's soul, but apparently, Starswirl and Scorpan had decided that the centaur needed to be taken down a few pegs, and what better way to start than being locked inside of something so... mundane?

With a shrug, I admitted, "Looks like. Gotta admit, I'll miss having hands. Still, being able to fly and shoot lasers with my face will be an acceptable tradeoff." I gave the jar a look, and asked, "I know you've probably been asked this a thousand times, but... this isn't a trick, is it?"

I got the impression of an eyeroll, which is an impressive trick for a soul inhabiting a mayonnaise jar. Tirek, obviously annoyed, said, "No, it's not a trick. Yes, I'm not lying to you. Yes, I am serious about changing my ways. Yes, really. Yes. Yes. Yes." My jaw dropped, stunned. How had he predicted every question I was about to ask? There was a smug impression from the mayo jar of imprisonment as Tirek said, "That's my body you're in, including my brain. Those may be your thoughts, but 'I' am the one thinking them. And while I may not be inside of my body, I am still aware of everything happening to it."

My eyes widened in shock as I asked, "So... you've seen everything I've done?" If I'd known that I there was an audience watching, I would have tried to be more entertaining...

"Seen what you've seen, heard what you've heard, thought what you've thought, and... felt what you've felt," he finished, his tone softening at the end. "And that is why we've come to this point. Over just three short days, you've toppled a tyrant on accident, become the beloved leader of an entire species, befriended one of the most powerful beings on the planet, forged an alliance with Equestria as a whole, and defeated one of the oldest and most powerful beings in the world in a rock off." With a snort (How did he snort when he didn't have a nose? Fucked if I know), he said, "When I last escaped, I was free for nearly a year, and I did not manage anything nearly so impressive, up until I had Discord to assist me, and ultimately, all of my works were undone in an instant. I... still do not understand this thing that humans and ponies call friendship, but after watching everything you've done... I've come to realize that perhaps it is something worth trying to understand."

That... made a lot of sense. Like he said, he'd been free a year, and managed to do exactly fuck all in that time frame, until he'd convinced Discord to help him. Me? In a fraction of a fraction of that time, I'd done more than most people manage to do in a lifetime. I'd had Tirek's strength, his powers, his intimidating physique, everything that made Tirek Tirek, save for 'Tirek' himself, and I'd proven that, if he'd just tried to be a better person, he'd be able to accomplish a great deal more than he'd ever tried before, and that he'd feel pretty good while doing it. Sure, part of it was dumb luck, part of it was just the fact that I'm awesome, and the rest was me trying to do the right thing, but at the end of the day, there was nothing to say that Tirek couldn't do something similar... or perhaps even better.

"So, what will you do when you're back in your body?" I asked, curious.

"I'll return to the land of my birth," Tirek stated plainly. "It has been a thousand years, and while my kind live very long lives, that time period is as long for me as for anyone else. I'm... a little homesick. Besides, after everything I've done in Equestria, I doubt I'd be welcome anywhere else."

"Sad, but true," I admitted with a nod.

Starswirl walked in with the items necessary to perform the transfer of souls back into their respective bodies. I wish I could say it was something more impressive than three metal colanders and a few lengths of wire, but I'd be lying. Nodding to the two of us, he said, "I've completed the other preparations necessary. If the two are ready, we can perform the spells necessary, and get you both into your respective bodies."

I nodded, and Tirek, after a moment, said, "I'm ready."

I won't describe the ritual, not what it required, or how it felt. There are some things that are too... personal to discuss. Make of that what you will.

Gotta admit, it was kinda freaky, suddenly being the same size as most of the other ponies and changelings present. The sudden change in perspective was jarring. I suddenly understood now why everyone seemed to find the tall ponies so... regal. They were really, really... big.

Looking up at Princess Celestia, I asked, "So, you're going to cover all of this up?"

The alicorn princess of the sun looked a little ashamed, but admitted, "Not all of it, but yes. There are too many things that happened in the last three days that my subjects would have difficulty in understanding, and a few of those things could cause a massive panic. The idea that Sombra returned to life in and of itself could cause a mass panic in the Crystal Empire even with confirmation of his defeat, and widespread knowledge of Grogar's existence could cause a few of my more... short-sighted subjects to try and approach him for a deal. And just the awareness of the beings you've described as 'The Great Old Ones'... well, even I am unsettled by their existence."

Right. Who wants to learn that the lady who can move stars is just a minnow in the great cosmic ocean? Even Discord wouldn't be able to go twelve rounds with someone in that kind of weight class...

"Tirek's departure will make things simpler, and I can explain his absence from Tartarus as simply my moving him to a more secure prison," Celestia continued, "and the former Queen's... loss can be explained by her having come into conflict with Tirek, which is more or less what happened anyways. The official story will be that a young pony, yourself, came across the hive, and became friends with the changelings within shortly after the loss of their queen. However, it was not just anypony, but a pony who saw past their appearances, and helped them come to understand that they were capable of much more than they had managed in the past. Due to his great strides in building bridges between the equine races and changelingkind, as well as aiding in the recapture of Lord Tirek, the pony known as Conrad became an alicorn prince."

"Not quite a lie, either," Starswirl added with a chuckle. "Your body began as an earth pony. Around the same time you used Tirek's magic for the first time, you underwent a transformation..."

So, around the time I realized that I was a master builder, my body ascended to become something like a demi-god of building. Have I mentioned how much I love how crazy Equestria is?

In a way, though, it makes sense: I know more about construction than anyone else currently alive on this world by a wide margin, due simply to my masters in structural engineering. If an alicorn can be considered an absolute paragon when it comes to a certain field, then I certainly fit the bill...

Luna cleared her throat, and said, "We hope that you will forgive us requiring you to take part in this fiction. The ponies of Equestria hold a great deal of faith in certain pillars of our society. Knowing that the Elements of Harmony could be turned towards evil ends, that Sombra returned from the dead with little to no difficulty, that Grogar exists and will happily grant power to those who will support his villainous goals, and that there are beings as far above alicorns as alicorns are above ants... knowing all of that, how could our subjects ever hope to be able to sleep safely in their beds, knowing that such things exist and that very little can be done about them, should they decide to come to do harm to our world?"

A fair point: The only reason that the average person can go through their daily lives is because they faith that they will live to see the end of the week. If you had no reason to believe that your job, your paycheck, your family, even your life as you know it, were still going to be there in five minutes, then what would be the point of being a contributing member of society? What was the point of society? Of anything? Civilization's promise is that you don't have to be afraid of going to sleep, for fear that you will wake up to someone setting your house on fire, stealing your shit, and doing nasty stuff to your loved ones... and that no one will try and stop them. If it is ever proven that a civilization cannot keep that promise, well...

We all fall into the sort of stuff we see in The Road Warrior. We might as well dress in leather, jump on our motorcycles and dune buggies, and start raiding our neighbors for gasoline and food. After all, why work for anything when you might be dead before your good works reap any sort of reward? Knowing that your entire world is at the mercy of creatures you cannot even comprehend, let alone appease, is enough to drive anyone mad. Only the fact that it turned out that they were decent fellows, in spite of their unimaginable powers and indescribable appearances, kept me from curling up in a ball and whimpering for the rest of my life...

"You won't hear any argument from me," I admitted, after considering all of that. I like Equestria, and while I'm an honest guy, I didn't want my honesty to be responsible for the collapse of civilization.

Yeah, kid, you'll have to keep this a secret between us. Sorry to load this all on you, but you wanted to know the truth, and you've got the security clearance for it, so there you go. Ah, but there's a couple of other things you wanted to know about? Alright...

Fast forward to a week later.

Things were looking good. Oz was coming together very nicely. You give the changelings a goal, and directions for how to achieve that goal, and they go at it like gangbusters. The fact that they had more love than they'd ever had before to empower them meant that they could go for hours on end without a need for rest. They still had to sleep every night, and take five minute breaks for hydration every now and then, but other than that, it was like watching an anthill or termite mound being built, but on a larger scale.

Flint's rangers had taken up residence, as peacekeepers between the changelings and our Equestrian guests. There were rarely any problems, save for when a pony got a little too drunk and did something stupid. Otherwise, it was a cushy assignment, yet at the same time a very distinguished one...

We had Equestrian guests coming in every day, and while the arrangement had not yet been made public, it had been agreed, between myself, the changelings, and the princesses, that when the new queen finally appeared and came into her own, she'd be given rank and privilege equivalent to an alicorn princess... and that the hive was considered officially a part of Equestria, and as such every changeling had the rights of ever Equestrian citizen. There were already articles in Equestrian newspapers calling changelings the 'fourth' race of ponykind (Crystal ponies are just considered sparklier versions of regular ponies). Things may have been moving very quickly, but without a doubt they were moving in the right direction.

I should have been happy, and in a lot of ways, I was. But there was a problem, one that I couldn't really see a way to solve, which was why, one week after my return from Tambelon, I was drinking a beer in the kitchen, slightly depressed. The room was lit with a single candle, sitting on the table in front of me...

I was surprised to see Ash walk in. By now, I'd learned enough about changeling facial expressions to see that he was pretty low himself.

Looking up at me, he managed a glum nod, a curt, 'Milord', and then he promptly headed for the nearest keg of beer, grabbed a mug, and used the tap to pour himself a tall one... which he immediately drank in one long pull, and when he was done, he began fixing himself another. Even without my knowledge of changeling facial expressions, it was clear that he was in a bad way.

An eyebrow raised, I asked, "Bad night?" I took a pull from my own beer...

The commander of the changeling hive sighed, then said, "Leni and I broke up."

Okay, let me be frank with you: Doing a spit take with a mouth full of beer in front of a lit candle is not a great idea. It took a few minutes to put the flames out. When I was done, I asked, "Seriously? You two broke up? I thought the two of you had some serious mojo going on."

"So did I," Ash admitted, glumly, "and had the hive remained the way things were, we might have had a better chance. Sadly, with the way things have turned out, she..." He took a deep breath, and then said, "She wants to see the world. She wants to have adventures, to go out and have fun. I can't say I blame her, given that, up until two weeks ago, we've been forced to spend out lives hidden from prying eyes. Now that we are officially a part of Equestria, she wants more than what the hive offers her." With a chuckle, he admitted, "And if I were five years younger, and didn't have my rank, I'd have been more than happy to oblige her. Thing is, I have responsibilities now. The hive looks to you for inspiration, milord, but it looks to me for leadership, now that the queen is gone. You can afford to go out on reckless adventures, milord, but I have to be the one who stays here and makes sure that nothing goes wrong."

Right. I'd spent a good part of that week visiting various places in Equestria. This was a whole new world for me, after all, and while I'd been level-headed and responsible back home, the sudden removal of all of my previous obligations had awakened an adventurous streak that I'd not realized that I'd had before. I wanted to see all that Equestria had to offer, and thanks to a few tricks that I'd picked up from Discord, Luna, Celestia, and Twilight, I could zip across Equestria at high speeds, and still be back before dinner.

Problem was, Skyflower didn't want to show her face in Equestria right now.

I couldn't exactly blame her. She had been given an honorable discharge from the Equestrian Army, complete with a full pension, by the princesses. They felt that, after all the shit she'd been through, she deserved it. So, she was no longer a soldier, but she was still the mare out of time. Equestria... well, modern Equestria still scared her. She liked the changeling hive better, honestly: They weren't exactly modern themselves, in many ways. They were also eager to catch up with the rest of the world, and helping them was helping Skyflower adjust much better than army life had. I served as the emperor of the changeling hive mainly because a queen's egg had yet to be laid. As soon as that appeared, I'd be expected to turn in my metaphorical crown, something I honestly had no problem with doing. Ash would serve as the queen's regent until she grew old enough to rule in her own right, and from there, it would be up to her to lead the changelings forward. My job here was more or less done, save for that one egg. When it was over, I planned on leaving...

...And Skyflower had admitted that she would be staying. We were looking into getting the marriage annulled. It wouldn't be all that difficult, really. We were both drunk, and asides from my godlike cheesecake making skills and the fact that we were both young and physically attractive, there really wasn't all that much to hold a relationship together. I mean, I couldn't even claim that the sex was good: Sky had been raised in a fairly prudish society a thousand years ago, and I was not yet at a point where I was ready to try experiencing Equestrian mating rituals, healthy young male with a strong libido or not.

I admitted, "Things aren't going all that well between me and Sky. We're looking into getting an annulment for the marriage, although we've not planned on making the break up public just yet." Thinking for a moment, I said, "You know, once the queen's egg appears, I plan on going and seeing Equestria. Discord wanted to give me a grand tour of the planet, and Celestia has a lot of projects planned for me all across the country when I return. I'll still visit you guys from time to time, but I don't think the changelings need me watching over them. You're all adults, mostly, and the tall ponies will be around to help if there's a problem. But Skyflower is planning on staying here, at least for now. She likes the hive, and she's gotten to be pretty popular with most of the changelings, especially with the new mothers. Once the annulment is complete, and I've gone on my way... you might want to see if she would be interested in a relationship."

Ash gave me a look that I couldn't read, and after a moment, said, "I'll keep that in mind." A half-smile formed on his face, and he said, "You might want to ask Leni about going with you, when you leave. The hive will rest easier, knowing that one of us is with you, and I'm certain that she'll feel safer, having an alicorn to watch over her."

I chuckled, and said, "Not a bad idea."

"Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?"

So that's more or less the full story, kid.

"Seriously, I Have No Idea! My Name's Conrad!"

Like I said, mum's the word.

"I'm Twenty-Six, And Recently Graduated College! I Just Got My Masters In Structural Engineering, For Pity's Sake!"

You wanted to know why I wasn't all that interested in the play about my exploits? That's why. It's fiction. Every last word of it.

"I Build Things! I Don't Break Things! Except Maybe When I'm Drunk, And I Trip On Something!"

It isn't a bad play, I guess. In fact, it's pretty entertaining. The playwright did a great job, even if the actors are a pack of hams.

"I Swear, I Wasn't The Guy Who Blew Up Your House!"

Of course, the truth is always stranger than fiction. Funnier, too.

"Throwing You At A Mountain? Do I Look Like The Kind Of Guy Who'd Do That?! Wait, Don't Answer That!"

Wish I could have begged off attending, but Leni and I are VIP's, and I couldn't decline a play written about 'me', now could I?

"I Know You Have No Reason To Believe Me..."

Life is a funny thing.

"In Fact, I'm Pretty Sure My Words Are Falling On Deaf Ears..."

Anyone who heard most of my story would have figured that Sky and I would have hit it off, but...

"But I Swear To You, I'm Not Lying!"

...it takes more than attraction and tasty meals to build a long term relationship.

"We Don't Have Time For This!"

Leni and I get along better than Skyflower and I ever did.

"While We're Arguing Here..." ·

I... popped the question to her yesterday.

"Things Are Spinning Out Of Control!"

We're planning to get married next moon.

"You're Not Buying It, Are You?"

Starswirl is pulling some strings, so my parents will be able to attend, along with my sisters,

"Crud. Well, You Can't Blame Me For Trying, Right?"

You should meet them. They'll think you're the most adorable thing ever.

"I Had You Going There For A Minute, Didn't I?"

I'll send you an invite.

"No? Really? Am I That Transparent?"

Ash and Sky? Yeah, they'll be there, too. We're making it a double wedding.

"Alright, Fine, Just Not In The Face... OWWW MY FACE!!!"

Anyhow, it's been nice talking to you, Spike. I'll visit the next time I'm in Ponyville, and I'll tell you all about how Discord got drunk at the bachelor party, and nearly threw Equestria into the sun on accident...

...Eight million, four hundred thirty-seven thousand, two hundred twenty-three years later...

Finally... FINALLY IT WAS TIME!!!

Grogar allowed himself a small laugh. After all these centuries, all of the setbacks, all of the failures, finally he was on the verge of triumph.

Freedom. Heh. Those fools had no idea how much power Grogar would have to give up in order to leave the realm of shadows. Here, he ruled with power like unto a god. He didn't want to leave...

...He wanted all of Equestria to join him.

And now, having duped a young pony into bringing the Jewel Of Darkest Night to Tambelon, Grogar had the ability to do so.

All it would take is a basic incantation, and victory would finally be his.

"Ahem."

Grogar looked up from his contemplation of the gemstone, to see an alicorn in his throne room. A very familiar one...

"Remember that favor you owe me?" Conrad asked, a smile on his face.

Dammit....