Hearts and Hooves Day:Avoid Cupid's Arrow

by Alex Warlorn

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other
Length: 4930

It's Hearts and Hooves Day, and the Mane Six are determined to stay single no matter how much target practice Cupid had gotten in since last year!

The mane six are determined to avoid being shot by Cupid's arrow and falling in love on Hearts and Hooves Day, where Cupid tugs at those tied by the red string. Made all the more challenging since Cupid is a crack shot. Will the girls make it through Hearts and Hooves Day still single?

Has NOTHING to do with the pony pov series.
Written with some MAJOR help from Kendell2.

FEATURED!
Cover art by Dabestpony. http://dabestpony.deviantart.com/art/Cupid-Ponified-351998551

Published 2014-12-27 06:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-27 06:30:05 UTC

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Button Mash opened his bedroom windows to greet the new day, breathing in the fresh air, enjoying the sun rise, he was now nine years old, and- that was a twang of a bow, and he was shot in the heart by an arrow. Button Mash looked dumbly at it for a few moments, then looked across the ponies around. He finally spotted Sweetie Belle and waved at her.

"Hey Sweetie Belle! Wanna come inside? I have a new game with a co-op only campaign and I can't play with my back hooves all that well."

Sweetie Belle, also now nine years old, tilted her head at Button Mash's invite filled with strange words she did not comprehend. The twang of a bow, and the sound of impact, and Sweetie Belle looked innocently down to see there was an arrow sticking out of her heart now as well. Well, maybe if she figured more of his strange language he was always speaking in, maybe she could convince him to join the Cutie Mark Crusaders!

"Okay!" She smiled and nodded, Button Mash's mother letting her in.

Maternity Love-Tap smiled and sighed seeing the arrows sticking out of Sweetie Belle and and her son with no real alarm. "Hearts and Hooves Day, Cupid is hard at work."

Around Ponyville, the Elements of Harmony had been sure to mark their calendars, and had agreed to sleep over at the Castle Of Harmony just to be on the safe side, least they get caught in transit in the morning. After all, the Castle WAS made by the source of the most powerful magic in Equestria, so it should be able to protect them, right?

Except, while Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash had all made it the night before, Applejack insisted she still had to tend the farm in the morning, and Fluttershy had her animals.

The four friends watched with worry for their friends' safe arrival.

From their perch, they spotted Roseluck, and Derpy, both with arrows in their backs, happily knocking on the blue shed that Doctor Hooves inhabited for whatever odd reason. Both carrying flowers and candy. The good doctor opened his door, saw the two smiling mares, smiled back, and swiftly closed and locked the blue box's door as it was hit with two arrows in rapid succession.

Then the blue box mysterious vanished.

"Hey! Come back! He's mine!" Roseluck shouted.

"Row bee's mine!" Derpy spat back, and two mares quickly squabbled as the TARDIS decided the doctor and she needed some alone time.

All the way at Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack had finished most of her morning chores (having gotten up extra early) when she heard a faint flapping sound. She breathed in sharply, and ran like Nightmare Moon was after her. She quickly dodged an arrow with a heart shaped point, then another, then another as she zigzagged. "Ya'll never tag me! Ya didn't get me with Trenderhoof! And ya won't get me now!"

All she heard in response was some joyful giggling.

"Big Mac! Halp!" AJ shouted.

"Sure little sister. What kinda help do ya need AJ?" Her big brother responded, a arrow stuck up his nose, Cheerilee next to him with one sticking out of her tail base. The teacher rested her head against the big stallion's shoulder. Though thankfully, there was zero lovey dovey banter so cheesy it sickened those nearby. Just the two sitting next to each other happily.

"AAGH!" AJ shouted in dismay seeing her brother was lost and didn't once stop running.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy sneaked one from one shadow to the next, wearing the same outfit she had when she'd been a modeling fad. She was alone, Angel had valiantly leaped to protect his mistress, taking the projectile in her stead, and had gone off with a herd of pretty doe rabbits.

She looked around again, scurried up Harmony Castle's front door and gave the secret knock. "What's the password?" Spike said on the other side.

"Single mares forever!"

Spike slipped the door open and Fluttershy slipped inside. Before Spike could fully close it, AJ galloped in, smacking the baby dragon aside. AJ closed the large doors behind her herself.

"Okay! We all here!?" AJ asked.

"What do you think?" Rainbow Dash asked, gesturing the six mares and one baby dragon. "Who else is there?"

There was a knock on the door. Spike peeked out to find Lyra. "No, for the twentith time, you can't use the mirror."

"But it's where my special some...human is! See the arrow!" she motioned to one on her head...a prop arrow.

"That's not-"

An arrow hit Lyra for REAL. "Don't you girls want to know the joy of being in love?"

"NO!" AJ slammed the door shut with a shot of Kicks McGee and then time put a cross beam to block the entrance.

Spike looked out the window as Lyra left. "Well at least she won't keep bugging us about the mirror...Geez, can you imagine being in love with someone from another universe?"

"Err Spike, ya forgotten 'bout Good King Sombra an' Princess Celestia?" Applejack asked.

"There a difference between true love like the one seen between those two, and somewhat creepy yet still respectable obsession Lyra shows," Spike said, remembering how he once got stuck listening to a fourteen hour lecture Lyra held about the difference between humans and subspecies like Centaurs and Minotaurs.

Twilight pushed Spike aside and hastily boarded up the window. "I thought I got them all!"

"You're kidding right?" Rainbow Dash said. "Since when do YOU miss a detail Twilight?"

"Sorry! But all those letters Celestia keeps sending me from mom to-" Spike Belched releasing another scroll. Twilight sighed and read even though she knew what it would say. "'Please go and just walk around Ponyville with a little sass in your step with a bull's eye over your chest today and be sure to enjoy some wide open places with no cover.' AGH! She never gives up! I thought she'd stop after Cupid got Shining and Cadence!"

"I know your pain, darling," Rarity admitted. "Mother doesn't have my high of standards for potential mates..."

"Uh...Rare, your standards once included Prince Blueblood..." Applejack pointed out.

"That doesn't count!...Oh no, what if THAT'S who Cupid made me fall for?! Or worse, him for me!"

"He'd probably fall for a mirror if Cupid got 'em, Rarity," Applejack reassured.

"Well, that's a relief," Rarity said. Spike silently agreed.

"So um, we can just stay here, where it's nice and safe? Until Cupid leaves for another year?"

"That's the idea!" Twilight nodded. "He's never gotten past my defenses, and that was BEFORE I had a magical fortress! He won't this time either!"

"Isn't that what Princess Platinum supposedly said before Cupid shot her?" Rarity asked. "Not that I'm in a position to complain considering my lineage but still-"

"Oh oh! Then we can play lots of games while we wait! Board games! Truth or Dare! Spin the bottle!" Pinkie Pie cheered.

"Uh, no thanks on that last one Pinkie Pie." Rainbow Dash cringed.

"We could talk about our days..." Fluttershy suggested. "Oh, Cupid got one of my deer, you should have seen him, he and that doe were so cute. And so was this little skun-"

"Change the subject Fluttershy!"

"OH! Oh! Sorry."

Rainbow Dash tried to regain her composure. "Oh why are we worried anyway? We managed to beat an insane moon goddess, the embodiment of chaos, the Changeling Queen, an evil unicorn king, and mean old Lord Tirek! What can a little brat with a magic bo-"

Pinkie put a hoof over Rainbow Dash's mouth. "Don't tempt fate! To do so is to invite death!"

"Uh...Pinkie, we ain't fightin' an evil villain, just tryin' not tah fall in love..." Applejack interjected.

"Oh..." Pinkie cleared her throat and seemed to rewind a few moments. "Don't tempt fate! To do so is to invite true love!"

"I still can't believe we're being so chicken over a foal with an archery set!" Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs. "I've ALWAYS been too fast for him anyway!"

"He could still catch ya napping Dashie! And with all the napping you do, it's not impossible!"

"I don't nap THAT much! Right guys?"

The others all found the floor or ceiling all suddenly very interesting.

"Oh come on!"

"You were napping the moment I met you..." Twilight admitted. "Don't worry, we all love you just the way-" the Princess of Friendship promptly clamped her hooves over her mouth before she could finish that sentence. "...I think we all agree we shouldn't be giving Cupid ideas..."

"You can run! You can hide! But you can't esssscaaaaaape!" Came a sing-song voice from outside. The girls all huddled each other.

Spike yawned. "You're all being a bunch of babies."

"Says you!" RD snapped back.

"Stop worry so much girls. I've enchanted all the boarded windows so Cupid can't even touch them! I exposed them to the Dazzling's last single, there's no way he can get close! He's just bluffing!"

That was when the boarded up windows were all torn down at once from the outside via unicorn magic.

Fluttershy yelped and hide underneath a carpet, shivering.

"What the-?! How could, this isn't-, who could have-" Twilight dared look outside, "-MOTHER!"

"It's for your own good dear! You'll thank me after you give me grandfoals!"

"You have BBBFF for that now!"

"It's been two years! I'm hedging my bets!"

"Huh, I thought they already announced a foal for them," Pinkie asked, suddenly looking at a toy catalog.

"Pinkie dear, not now," Rarity said.

"My friends hid out in the library every Hearts and Hooves Day for years! We're not falling for cupid this year!" Twilight said bravely.

"That's very commendable of you dear, and I want you to know as your mother I respect you're old enough to make your own choices and- TAKE THE SHOT!" Twilight yelped and ducked as a barely dodged Cupid's arrow aimed right at her heart.

"You missed!"

"Sorry."

"You've been telling me 'sorry' for years!"

"Hey, I got Shining didn't I?"

"So why can't you get my other child?"

"I'm trying! She's a lot more slippery than her big brother!"

"Less chatter, more twanging!"

"I've been doing this a lot longer than you've been alive. I'm the reason you are alive. I don't need you to tell me how to do this. Trust me, I'm feeling LUCKY this year! Nopony can outrun love forever!"

"I have!" Rainbow Dash declared only for AJ to grab her by the tail before RD made herself a prime target.

"Everypony get away from the windows!" Twilight shouted.

"Why don't we just teleport to the moon again sugarcube?" AJ asked.

"We tried that last year remember? He just followed us!"

"Bottom of the ocean, or edge of the universe, love finds a way!"

The ponies all made sure to be out of the way the sight of the windows, and the views Cupid had . . . all except . . .

"Fluttershy!" Rarity cried out.

Fluttershy was still hiding underneath the rug . . . and not very well, considering her tush completely exposed as she shivered.

Twilight grabbed her friend with her magic . . . but it was too late . . . Cupid's arrow struck true, landing neatly into her posterior behind her cutie mark.

Twilight released Fluttershy, there was no hope for her now.

"Maybe I should spend some time with Discord today, I mean, he must be so lonely, Princess Celestia is so busy . . . Uh, if that's alright with you girls. I wouldn't want to leave you if you'd get lonely without me."

The girls who sadly shook their head. "Oh! Okay! Thank you!" Fluttershy fluttered out the window.

"Wait, Discord? Cupid couldn't have gotten 'em, right?"

"You finally made the old lug grow a heart," Cupid admitted, then fired a VERY long distance shot somewhere. "He'll never see it coming."

"...Well, at least Fluttershy won't be heartbroken..." Rarity admitted.

"I better make sure that shot hit, see ya!" They heard the fluttering away of wings.

"Come back here!" Twilight's mother shouted followed by the sound of hooves.

"...I suppose we should be grateful he didn't get Discord before Fluttershy..." Twilight said, imagining Discord's attempts at wooing somepony.

"Uh, Twilight, any chance we can go spend Hearts and Hooves Day with Sunset Shimmer? Ah'm sure she won't mind a few guests..." Applejack proposed.

"Hmm..." Twilight tapped her chin. "Risking the multiverse or falling in love...Ugh, that shouldn't be as tough a choice as it is!" Twilight sighed. "Okay, let me just make sure the coast is clear so we don't get ambushed from behind."

Spike realized it first. "TWILIGHT! WAIT! It's a-" Sound of twan and impact, "Trap."

Twilight turn away from the window, now an arrow between her eyes, "You know, now that the mirror portal is fully working, perhaps I should visit the human world more, it would be educational if Flash taught me how to play the guitar. You'll all be fine here, right? Right! Don't worry, I'll be back soon!"

Twilight happily skipped through the mirror portal.

Twilight's mother blinked in confusion. "Wait, human world?!" she asked, glaring at Cupid.

"Love is as love does!"

Spike, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie, all gulped.

"So . . . so then there were four?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"HEY!"

"Sorry Spike, so then there were five."

There was a strange jingle, and the smell of something beyond sweet.

"Ooooh! Noms! The ultimate desert!" Pinkie Pie grinned. "Good thing Twilight helped me kick the habit."

"Dangit!" Cupid cursed. "Those girls who worked the cart said it was sure to work!"

"Ya think those mares he's talkin' about are related to Flim and Flam?"

"Who knows?" RD responded, neither leaving their hiding spot. "Oh no! Whatever you do! Don't smell that tasty, delicious, scrumptious, totally tastylicious smelling . . . " Rainbow Dash shook her head. "No! Remember the month of being a waitress at Sugar Cube Corner Rainbow! Remember the month after eating a piece of the cake!"

"That's NOTHING compared to the month I spent cleaning their ovens and their basement and everything else!" Rarity retorted. "And poor Fluttershy had to be a clown to entertain their customers, remember?"

"She actually wasn't that bad after a bit," AJ admitted.

"It was still totally unfair." Rainbow snorted. "Pinkie forgave us!"

"I forgave you, and so did the Cakes, that didn't mean you didn't have to pay off the MMMM."

"Excuse me, archer of true love's arrow outside here! I do have a schedule to keep! You mares are being way too stubborn! You're aren't the only ponies in Equestria ya know!"

"Why don't ya deal with them first and come back for us later?!" AJ snapped.

"Because these things have to be done in a certain order. It's just how I keep myself sane this time of year."

"Is he related to Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"The truth is a little stranger than that." Spike admitted. Then Spike sniffed the air. "Wait . . . is that . . . FRESHLY BAKED SAPPHIRE PRETZELS!" Spike began to drool and hiss and his eyes became more slitted.

"Spikey Wikey! No!" Rarity cried.

"Spikey Wikey yes!" Spike said, the visible trail of aroma wiggling its fingers and gesturing him to come along. Spike nodded and floated after it.

Rarity caught Spike with her telekinesis. But she was dragged along instead.

Applejack tried to grab Rarity's tail to pull HER back.

"Not the tail!"

Applejack jumped, letting her go.

A hail of arrows descended. After a moment, Rarity and Spike resembled pin cushions. Spike still stuffed his face with the sapphire pretzels.

"Spikey Wikey."

"Yes Rarity?"

"I could really use your help organizing my inventory. You're just so good helping Twilight keep the library all neat and organized, you would be such a great help!"

"Anything for you Rarity!"

"Have fun darlings!"

"Tell Twilight I said hi!"

The two skipped out.

"How the heck did they do that?" Rainbow Dash asked. "The windows aren't ground level!"

"I think they floated down on the power of love," Pinkie Pie suggested.

"That is the DUMBEST THING I've ever heard!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "Wait, isn't Spike a baby or something?"

"Not really, he's only a couple years younger than Twilight is," Pinkie pointed out randomly.

"And now we're reduced to three." AJ muttered. "And Pinkie, Ah think yer memory finally tripped up, Bloom was just a baby when the Rainboom happened, and that was when Spike was hatched accordin' to Twili."

"Huh...so does that make that weird?"

"Ah...Cupid uh..."

"Different species, different ages. Dragon aging is...weird..."

"Why are you guys talking with 'em!?" RD demanded. "He's the enemy!"

"Hey, don't yell at me! I'm just doing my job!"

"That's the justification of all villains!" Rainbow Dash said proudly and bold from her hiding spot, putting her hooves on her hips. "All you jerks just say 'I'm doing my job!' "

"Uh, Dashie, he kinda isn't a villain, he's more like Santa Hooves," Pinkie pointed out.

"I never trust Santa Hooves! I sent him a letter every Hearth Warming Eve for YEARS and he never made me a Wonderbolt!"

Rainbow blinked at the stares directed at her. "What?"

Unseen, Cupid face hoofed. "Ugh...do we HAVE to say it?"

"Say what?"

"Rainbow, he got yah a signed one of a kind poster with all the Wonderbolts names on it," Applejack pointed out. "I think if Santa Hooves COULD get yah a spot in the Wonderbolts he-"

Pinkie had to duck an arrow from Cupid. "Hey! No interrupting during dialog!"

"Only applies to bad guys!"

"Oh right..."

"No it doesn't! Heroes ALWAYS get to finish their speeches no matter how long winded they get! Otherwise Nightmare Moon would have trashed Twilight!" Rainbow Dash protested.

"...That's kinda what I-"

"Don't lampshade it!" Pinkie protested.

"Sugarcube', Ah think we're gettin' off track," AJ sighed.

"How did you even get that shot?!" RD demanded.

"The thing about a nicely polished crystal castle? It has a LOT of nice reflective surfaces! I'm ashamed for not thinking of it sooner!"

"RUN!" Rainbow Dash screamed.

"Right ahead of ya Dash!" Pinkie Pie ripped the cross beam off the door and opened it and revved up to run and-, was peppered with love arrows from top to bottom and fell over backwards, hearts in her eyes.

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Junior Cupids! Yay!" Applebloom and Scootaloo cheered.

"Ahhh dang!" Scootaloo grumbled seeing who they hit. "I thought for sure we'd get Twilight!" Her voice holding the slight hint of spite and revenge.

"Well, Sweetie Belle is busy playing video games, so maybe that wouldn't be fair unless she got to hit Twilight too . . . "

"APPLEBLOOM HOW COULD YA!"

"SQUIRT! NOT COOL AT ALL!!!!"

"We're just helping spread love big sis'!"

"And I was hoping for a chance to pay back Twilight for the Want It Need It Spell." Scoots added.

Rainbow Dash face hooved. "Ugh...This isn't happening..."

"...At least it weren't an evil overlord or somethin'," Applejack lamented. "Uh, where's Sweetie Belle?"

"With Button Mash."

"Who?"

"Little colt who never stops playing video games."

"Oh."

"Squirt, payback is good and all, but if Twilight was here she'd say how revenge isn't something you should really do. And-HEY! Watch where you point those!"

"Don't worry, we used our all up on Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie Pie jerked into a sitting up position. "You know. I bet there are lots of ponies having hearts and hooves parties right now. Hey! I better go see Cheese Sandwich! I bet with all his traveling around, that he'll have lots of ideas!"

"You don't even know where he is right now!"

"Yes I do!" Pinkie Pie pulled out a postcard. "See? Have fun girls!" PInkie Pie, the front of her body still covered in arrows, hopped away.

"Pull back girls!" Cupid called.

"Sure, let me check, dang we didn't get our cutie marks for this either." Scootaloo lamented. "Oh well, this was a dumb idea anyway, I wouldn't really want to be a cupid anyway."

"See ya later big sister!" Applebloom saluted and both fillies left, politely closing the door behind them. And the rest was silence.

AJ and Rainbow Dash slowly backed up until they were back to back.

"Hey . . . AJ . . . " Rainbow Dash said, mortal fear in her voice. "You don't think Cupid would . . . ya know . . . shoot us both at the same time do you?"

"Uh...Ah don't really know how he fires more than one arrow at a time..."

"I mean, he wouldn't, make us, the two us . .. AJ I like you as a friend, a really good friend, but JUST A FRIEND!"

"What are ya-WHAT?! Look! Just cause Ah didn't like Trenderhoof doesn't mean Ah'm . . . Agh! No! No way!"

" . . . thanks AJ."

"Ye welcome RD."

" . . . what is he waiting for?"

"Ah dunno, And Ah don't wanna find out . . . Ah'm not fallin' fer along his booby traps, can ya see'em in any of the reflections?"

"No I can't. You?"

"No."

"Is he invisible?"

"He's only invisible to ponies too young ta fall in love remember?"

"Oh right...wait, Scootaloo's nine already?"

"Yeah...I think...Should I have warned her?"

"Ah think Cupid woulda got her already if he wanted tah."

"Gotcha . . . ya know . . . I wouldn't have minded getting hit . . . "

"WHA?"

"Except Soarin's already with Spitfire . . . So I'm in the friend zone, and friend zone I shall stay and . . .ya know? I'm fine with that too."

"That's pretty noble of ya Rainbow."

"Thanks."

Time passed.

Hours.

Ponyville's town clock struck midnight.

Twilight trotted back through the mirror, blushing, and nearly stumbling. She no longer had an arrow in her. "So THAT'S how you play the guitar with fingers . . . the way he gently held my arms as she showed me how to play . . . his soft voice in my ear . . . oh hey girls! How did it go?"

The two were cold and tired and shivering from their time on the crystal floor, that didn't really incubate heat all that well. Twilight really needed to ask Cadence how she kept her crystal castle warm.

"We lost everypony except the two of us." Rainbow Dash admitted.

"...Have you been sitting there the entire time?"

"Yeah."

"...Did you eat?"

"No."

"Sleep?"

"Nope."

"Use the bathroom?"

"No..."

"...Blink?"

"NO!"

"How have you two not keeled over yet?!"

"Determination."

"Power of friendship," RD added.

"...And also sheer stubbornness."

"Yeah, stubbornness helped."

"You didn't go to the bathroom? . . . You two didn't use my floor did you?"

"NO! LAND'S SAKES NO!"

"...Uh...how did your bladder not burst?"

"Pegasi fly for a long time."

"Long hours in the field every day...and Ah'm stubborn."

"So you're not in any discomfort?"

"...Actually, I think if we have to sit here for five more minutes, I'm going to hurt myself," Rainbow muttered, crossing her hind legs.

Twilight took a step back just in case. "Uh...Wouldn't it have been less trouble to just take Cupid's arrow and be done with it?"

"Never!" Rainbow Dash stood up proudly. Then blushed. "Excuse me! Gotta go!"

Twilight somehow DIDN'T bang her head against the floor. "HOW did I lose the wonderful afterglow of spending the day with Flash, and go to talking about how long you two can go without using the little filly's room!?"

"...Uh...sorry bout that...Ah think..."

"Sigh. Seriously, I know we all promised to be strong and not get tangled by Cupid, not that I'm about to complain my mother went to such insane methods . . . but seriously . . . sigh. Well, it's over for another year."

"And good riddance." Rainbow Dash said coming back. Applejack promptly took her place in the rest room.

"So...uh...who did the others end up with? I know Fluttershy's with Discord...I'm not sure I WANT to know how that ended up...Who did Rarity and Pinkie get with?"

"Well, Pinkie Pie ended going to Cheese Sandwich."

"Should have seen that one coming."

"And Rarity . . . well . . . "

"Hey where's . . . Spike?"

"Spike."

"Next year I'm locking him in his room."

"I don't think Cupid will take no for an answer...Ugh...I don't get why some ponies WANT Cupid to shoot 'em."

"Well...I didn't exactly have a bad time with Flash...made me realize having a crush on the pony version probably was just me projecting my fee-...you heard nothing!"

"Trust me. I heard nothing."

"That goes double fer me." AJ said returning from doing her business.

"Trust me, I hear everything."

"YOU!" All three ponies said together pointing at the winged foal in diapers.

"Hearts and Hooves Day is over! We don't have to deal with you for another year! Get lost!" Rainbow Dash waved her hooves.

"Hey! Hey! I'm not here to shoot anypony! Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye! I just came to see how you two were doing."

"Ya know how we were doin'! Ya were waitin' outside the castle the whole time!"

"Actually, after I got Pinkie Pie, I left . . . I needed to make up for lost time, your little sister and her friend helped a lot with that by the way."

" . . . " Applejack's jaw dropped.

"Well Element of Honesty? Am I fibbing?"

"...No..."

"There you go."

Rainbow Dash's eye twitched. "...So...you WEREN'T waiting for us to let our guard down that entire time?"

"No."

"We didn't have to sit here for hours without food, sleep, or a bathroom break?"

"Nope...if you'd told me you wanted to do that I'd have lent you a diaper. I have some nice flower print ones."

"No thanks!" Applejack replied.

"Suit yourself. You know your friend Fluttershy actually has quite the fetish with-"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Rainbow Dash put her hooves to her ears.

"-Flowers."

"...So...yah weren't after us?!" Applejack asked.

"Nope. You two haven't even MET your special someponies, why would I be after you?"

"...Excuse me a moment..." Rainbow Dash said politely, trotting over to a wall and proceeding to introduce it to her head. Repeatedly.

"Twili, ya got any hard cider?"

"AJ you know I don't drink. Besides, I'm an Alicorn! It'd take an entire store to get me buzzed!"

"...Ah wonder if Big Mac is too tired from spendin' the day with Cheerilee to help meh make some...WAIT! Ya were shootin' at me left and right at the farm!"

"Actually I was aiming for Big Mac and Cheerilee, and the cows and sheep, and some of your family who was behind the walls hiding from me, those wooden walls aren't good for keeping out arrows of love...and I was aiming for the apple trees."

"...Did Bloomgale get with Barktholomew?"

"Yep."

"...Alright then."

"Seriously, you girls don't need to get your manes in a knot, it's not like I arbitrarily match up ponies. You think I just have a big dartboard back home I shoot arrows at to pick who I pair up?"

"Yes?" Rainbow answered.

"Well I don't. Things don't always work out, sure, that's how love is, but it's not I'd say pair up Caramel with Pinkie Pie or Applejack. Or Fluttershy with Big Mac. Or Trixie with Twilight."

Twilight cringed. "Did you HAVE TO use that last example?!"

"Sorry...actually Trixie's on a date with Prince Blueblood right now..."

Ponies' jaws dropped. "Okay. I do not need to know more in any shape or form." Twilight Sparkle said.

Miles away, Discord felt a great disturbance in the universe that HE didn't cause. He promptly shook it off and returned to finishing up his date with Fluttershy. Which involved ice skating on the rings of a planet.

"Actually, their egos cancel each other out."

"Seriously! DON'T TELL ME MORE!" Twilight said.

"Alright, alright. Seriously, sorry. Still, can you say you aren't happier after today Twilight Sparkle?"

"No I can't. I was HAPPY to spend the day with Flash."

"See? It's not mandatory for every pony to pair up, that's never been my job. I pair up pairs. Nothing else to it. Sometimes love grows. Sometimes love is sudden. But the one thing love isn't, is predictable, only true to itself, love is not selfish, it is not self serving, it does not find joy in the suffering of others, love only begets love....Rainbow, are you listening?"

Rainbow finally finished beating her head against the wall. "Yeah...I think somepony needs to fix your wall Twilight..."

"It's a magical tree, it'll regenerate."

"So little ponies . . . until next year . . . and maybe next year Applejack, Rainbow Dash . . . the two of you will be on my target list after all . . . maybe I'll see if I can get those two little fillies to ambush you."

"You wouldn't!" Rainbow and AJ said.

"All is fair in war and love."

---Later---

Cadence yawned. It was nearly time for bed when she heard a knock on the window of her crystal castle. She opened it to see a winged foal wearing a diaper. "Oh, hello cousin. How was today?"

"Great! I finally got Twilight..."

"Oh! Do tell..."

"Alright, one of your guards might be disappointed though..."