... Standing Tall Under Their Wingspan
Property of Nexus 'The Ponderer'
(I do like my soul-name)
Fryuar the 22nd, Month of The Stargazer, Era of Storms.
'Ponyville', Equestria.
Dear Diary,
Today I have been thrust upon thoughts I have never really covered in much detail before. My mind has stood up to the name given to me by father, my philosophical nature earning me the title. I think so because today I have learned a valuable lesson in what it means to be alive. I mean, what does it truly mean? Yes. I breath, I feed, love, hate and most importantly of all: I can think. I don't know how to explain it in a simple manner, but I think I may have just 'fixed' my precarious position among the turmoil of thoughts I am known for in my family. It started when I got to wor Starburst didn't show up to work all last week, and at first we all thought he was just away because his wife had given birth. Of course he would want to be at home with his wife and child for a while. But he came in today with such a tone I cannot describe in words, but when you saw him you knew something heavy was on his mind.
He wore an expression of sorrow, such a unbelievably deep sadness I have never seen before. Not even when sister died. At first we joked, and I jested along. We talked gleefully, asking what had got him so down in the dumps but we could never have anticipated what was truly bothering him. He ignored our innocent joking and checked in before heading over to his office, not even mumbling in response. No, he remained in utter silence. This was when I noticed some of my colleagues giving us jesters a pleading look, almost like they were asking us to stop using a meer glance. They knew something we did not, and that something was nothing a spot of lightheartedness could mend. We followed him all the way to his office where he sat down at his work desk, sifting through a stack of documents with an emotionless look. I asked him what was wrong. I was wrong.
He had spent the week grieving. Little had we known, his wife had given birth to a stillborn. Not only that but she had also died in the process, the doctors were unable to save any of them. Once he told us he turned back to his desk and started to work again before coming to a stop after a few seconds and promptly bursting into a fit of tears. We didn't know what to do, no matter what to say. We just stood there in silence as he cried hysterically into his hooves, and any attempts to calm him were futile. The only reason he had come to work that day was to take his mind away from everything that had happened. We were all sent home early today.
When I finally came home to the end of the day I was still distressed by the look of pure sorrow he had as he told us, and it sparked whatever part of the brain that makes us think, into action. I know my kind have never so much as touched the deeper side of life's philosophy, but today I carved far through the question:
"What is it to be alive?"
I know why I 'Live', scientifically of course. But just the thought of placing my empathy upon Starburst has made me question everything I am. I have spent my recent life in the form of a thought, Paper Weight is but an idea that came about my mind one day as I was coming up with a new form for collecting energy. He has a blue coat, and a two tone violet/orange mane and tail. But I have a black exoskeleton with a small scaly sail on the back of my neck and translucent blue wings. My horn is curved and bladed on the front edge. I have holes in my legs and my eyes glow in the dark. I am a changeling.
What am I doing? I live here, slowly collecting emotional energy from the ponies who dwell around me. Why am I doing it? I am going to hoof over my finds to my queen so she can feed us all. Am I? I know this a dangerous road, but it must be traveled am I to learn from myself here. When it comes down to it I am nothing but a pawn for my queen to move about to her desire on a nation sized chess board. And I am collecting energy to give to her. In effect, I am her's.
I think I know about the world I live in, but do I really? This world is nothing but a killing field, we are all warriors fighting our own war in a bid to survive, and everything real is a combatant: The ponies survive by maintaining peace, creating harmony among each other. We changelings survive by leeching off' the products of this harmony. Everything else is in it for their own reasons, but here I am looking at our two examples.
I am living from the life force of other beings and until now I have simply blamed nature for my dealings in the mundane. But now I look at it from afar, I see that not only am I causing pain to those undeserving of such, but it is heading to a cause unjust. I, along with my kind, have been destroying the lives of others who can breathe, love and hate equally. But their true form lies within their thoughts, just like mine do. Changelings are torturing the world around them and to say I feel guilty would be an understatement.I feel as if my entire reason for living has been taken from me... and then I realize:
There is no reason behind life.
There is no reason to breathe, love, hate and think, it's not something you can rationalize with. But it is these exact things that make us so, they describe something that is alive. We choose our own reason for living, we use our breaths to love some and hate others so we know where we stand in the world. This has changed my whole outlook on life, and for some reason I hope Starburst figures the same thing. He's going to need it.
But from now on, for me, I stand on MY ground, that's where I stand. I choose to continue living and feed my people not for my queen. But because I believe in it. But that's not it: Tomorrow I will tell this to Starburst, maybe he can find his own reason to live now his family is gone. Maybe I'll even tell him who I really am... Who knows? It's a cardinal sin for my race to reveal themselves and nobuggy has ever done it before the invasion. But I guess honesty is in short supply in my species, however the less we have of something, the more we treasure it, right? Yes. I'm going to tell that stallion who I am, I'll even show him.
Today was a bad past, tomorrow is a better future.
Wish me luck, diary.
Nexus 'The Ponderer'
