Another Doughnut, Extra Sprinkles
Another one is placed in front of me. This one has blue frosting. Customary amount of sprinkles. Its meaning hasn’t changed. Perhaps my perception of it has. I have possibly associated a taste with the color blue, as this looks less appetizing to me than my prior doughnut of pink frosting and the customary amount of sprinkles. It’s also possible that the specific arrangement of sprinkles adorning the frosting is what I dislike, the gaps in the color simply not clicking in my head the way they should be.
I’ve got too much in my system to even be thinking about the existential value of a doughnut right now. I stuff it into my gullet and wash it down with another swig of hot chocolate. Through my partially blurred, unfocused gaze, I see Pony Joe shifting about behind the counter. I simply ask, “’Nother?”
I see his head moving. I can imagine the disapproving shake. He’s patronizing me. “I said another.”
“Why, Spike? What happened to you?”
“Mares. Another.”
He sighs and deposits another doughnut in front of me. This one is blue again. I sigh. “How ‘bout a pink? I like ‘em more.”
“Yeah, and you’ve almost eaten all of mine. I got plenty of blues left. You can’t be too picky, sugar is sugar.”
“Fine.” I pick this one up and stuff it into my mouth as well, taking another swig of hot chocolate.
All I really wanted was somepony to share my time with. A mare, not Pony Joe. He wasn’t a friend. He was a pony looking to take what meager amount of money I still had.
I guess I hit the point where I started to notice the littler things. Twilight said I would be growing up soon. I think this was what she was talking about.
The first day it happened, I was at Carousel Boutique. Twilight was in, asking Rarity for help with something or other, I can’t remember what. It was something girly. A stallion from town came in wanting to buy something.
He looked around for a bit, found a really nice, expensive blazer, and spent the bits for it upfront. It was a huge sale, and Rarity was ecstatic.
I could see him making his move. I know I would have if I was him, but I hated him all the same for it. He opened his mouth and asked, “So, any plans for dinner tonight?”
Rarity responded by stammering, “Oh, well, I’m flattered, but—”
The stallion already knew what he was going to say. It was like he’d rehearsed this greaseball tactic a dozen times. “Oh, but I already have two tickets, and my date scheduled something at the last minute, and I’d hate for it to go to waste. It’s to La Ville de Chevaux. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.” He had this... this look in his eyes. Almost desperation. He knew he was pathetic, but he was hoping Rarity wouldn’t notice. He didn’t even have the reservation, I was certain of it.
I saw that look in Rarity’s eyes, though. She was actually falling for this brute’s attempts to seduce her. I’d had enough. “Hey! What are you doing?” I demanded, marching over from where Twilight and I were standing while Rarity made her sale.
“Huh? Oh, who’s this? A friend?” he asked. “Look, kid, I’m talkin’ to the owner of this establishment about her business. Doesn’t seem like a crime to me.”
“But you’re lying to her!”
“What? I don’t think I did.” He looked down for a moment. “No, I’m pretty sure I told Miss Rarity the truth.”
“Okay, then show us the tickets.”
He shrugged. “All right.” He pulled out two reservation tickets for that evening at La Ville de Chevaux.
I couldn’t believe it. Rarity was melting like a puddle in this stallion’s arms. “Those have to be fake! How could you afford something like that?”
He scratched his head. “Look, uh... I got no clue what you’re talking about. You can march down there and ask if I’ve got a reservation if you want. Truth of the matter is, I had a first date for tonight, but she dropped out early this morning. I thought it was gonna go to waste, but then I saw Miss Rarity and thought to myself, ‘Now, there’s a mare who deserves something nice for a change.’ If it’s a crime to treat a pretty mare out to dinner, then throw me in jail.”
Rarity finally spoke. “Spike, I understand that you’re trying to help, but one little dinner isn’t going to hurt, now, is it? I wouldn’t mind a night out—if Twilight doesn’t need me for something else, of course.”
I looked to Twilight beseechingly, but she didn’t even glance at me. “Oh, no, our trip can definitely wait until tomorrow. Go enjoy yourself, Rarity, you work hard enough!”
I stomped angrily out of the room, incredulous that anypony could believe that sweet-talking stallion’s lies. I called behind me, “That other mare was right to ditch you! I bet tonight is gonna be awful. You should feel horrible for being such a loser!”
“Spike!” came Twilight’s sharp rebuke, stabbing into me like a needle. She seemed to think I’d said something wrong.
Had I said something wrong?
I mulled back over my actions. A stallion was being rude to Rarity, so I insulted him. I guess I wasn't supposed to insult anypony, no matter how rude they were being, but he really deserved it. I couldn’t imagine that his advances would have gone over any better if I hadn’t intervened. Rarity needed somepony—or, in my case, somedragon—to remind shoppers that she wasn’t just any old mare.
I headed into one of the other rooms, which was where I’d been going anyway. Twilight followed after me. She looked furious.
“Spike... what, was that?” she asked. She could barely conceal her anger.
“What? I was defending Rarity. You saw what that stallion was doing to her!”
“He was inviting her to dinner! Why would you insult one of her customers that way? I wouldn’t be surprised if he just threw that new outfit he just bought back on the counter and walked out!” She sighed, taking a deep breath and calming down a little. “Why did you do that?”
I scrambled in my brain for answers. “He was lying to her and telling her things that—that weren’t true!”
“Like?” She didn’t seem at all convinced.
“Like those tickets! They’re obviously fake. La Ville de Chevaux is a really expensive place, there’s no way he could afford something like that!”
“And how do you know that?” She rolled her eyes. “Maybe he’s a fancy designer from Canterlot, and you just ruined Rarity’s entire chance at a future. Maybe he’s just a simple farmpony who’s been saving up for years for this night and she was a good friend for him to spend the evening with. You can’t tell that about ponies by looking at them.” Her eyes narrowed. “No, there’s another reason why. Tell me.”
I fidgeted under her gaze. “I... I don’t know. I just saw him telling her that he wanted to take her out to dinner, and I... I just knew there was something off about him.”
“Hmm.” She thought for a moment. “You’re, um... how old now?”
“Uh... 12.”
“Ah. It’s probably puberty.”
The implication hit me like I’d been standing in front of a train. “You think I’m—ew, no!” I made a face. “You told me what the books say, but it’s nothing like that.”
“Spike...” she said uncertainly. I could tell Twilight didn’t want to talk about this. “You know why Rarity has never talked to you about your feelings for her... don’t you?”
I shook my head.
Another stressed sigh. “She doesn’t want to break your heart. But what happened out there was just too far. She doesn’t like you like that, Spike.”
That didn’t sound right to me. “Oh, so you've learned mind-reading magic now, have you?” I taunted.
“No, that’s illegal and you know it. I know because we’re friends and she told me.”
“She hasn’t told me and I’m her friend,” I boasted. “Guess your theory isn’t holding up too well.”
“Look, I’m not trying to argue with you, Spike.” She looked into my eyes earnestly. “It’s the truth, though. You have to grow up sometime, and you can’t do this to Rarity. She needs to find out what she wants, too.”
Before I could think up a witty reply, Twilight turned around and walked back into the boutique, leaving me stewing over what she’d just said. I still shouted at her, “You’re wrong! I’ll prove you wrong! I’ll ask her myself!”
Then, true to my word, I marched back out there. The stallion that had bought the blazer was just leaving, his new suit in a saddlebag. He paused, his hoof on the door. “I’ll, uh... just go. I’ll see you tonight.”
Rarity’s eyes darted from me to the stallion. “Yes, certainly. See you tonight!”
He departed, the door closing behind him. Rarity turned to me, her face tinged red, a look of anger in her eyes. “Ask me what, Spike?”
I was taken aback at her straightforward question. “I, er...”
“Ask me what?”
I sighed. “Do you like me the way I like you, Rarity?”
“No.” I don’t think she meant it to sound so... final, so set in stone. Yet, it did all the same.
I couldn’t leave it like that. “You like me, though, don’t you?”
“Spike, you’re my friend. You have been my friend for a very long time. I’m just... not interested in you. Not like that.”
I couldn’t comprehend what I was hearing. It just... didn’t make sense to me. Rarity had been leading me on... just to break it to me like this? It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t like her.
Maybe I’d misjudged how she felt.
That night, I cried.
Twilight woke up in the middle of the night when I couldn’t bottle it up anymore. I was sobbing my heart out, huge, wracking breaths that would stir a goddess from her eternal slumber. She hopped down from her bed, trotting over to mine and hugging me. “It’s okay, Spike. I’m here.”
I clung to her mane, my tears dripping into it, while I pleaded, “Please, Twilight, make me stop thinking about her.”
She shook her head. “I can’t help with that, Spike. I’m sorry.” Her hooves held me closely, my feelings digging their awful claws into the remnants of my heart and threatening to tear away what remained of it. "I'll help in whatever way I can, but I can't make you stop thinking about her."
Twilight's offer for help was worthless. Rarity was gone. I’d lost her. That was all that mattered.
The next morning, I opened my eyes slowly, glaring angrily at the sunlight which beat into them. They were sore from the amount of crying I’d done.
Twilight had held me for... it felt like hours. Until the tears finally stopped and I fell asleep. It was—
I glanced over the top of my bedsheets at her. She looked perfect.
I shook my head. Nonsense.
Yet, that didn’t stop the thoughts.
I had to clear my mind somehow. I got out of bed and went down the stairs. I was an emotional wreck. Everything in my head was wired wrong. I was thinking about Rarity and how lonely I was without her, and I was looking at everything else hoping for some way to ease the pain.
Despite my rationalizations, that still didn’t stop the thoughts.
Stupid hormones. Stupid puberty. Even though I knew about it and expected it, reading all of Twilight’s books the moment weird things started happening... that didn’t stop it from happening anyway.
I had to face Rarity and set things straight. My addled brain wasn’t going to let me rest until I did.
Five minutes later, in front of the door to Carousel Boutique, I stood frozen on the road outside, uncertain of myself. Now that I’d committed, I had to, but... I was afraid of what would come of it.
As luck would have it, my decision was forced when the door opened and Sweetie Belle looked questioningly at me, an uncertain smile on her face. “Hey Spike, what brings you here so early in the day?”
She was a lot cuter than I remembered her being yesterday. She’d been growing up, closer to my age than Rarity was, but still developing. Maybe she’d be—
What in Celestia’s name was I thinking? She was the little sister of the love of my life. That would never end well. “Hey Sweetie Belle, I was looking for, uh, Rarity, but um... can you talk for a bit first?”
“Of course!” she squealed. She shut the door behind her and gestured toward the town. “Wanna join me on my morning walk?”
I nodded my head in confirmation, and we started moving forward.
About a minute passed without a peep. Sweetie kept glancing at me, as if expecting something. Finally, she ventured to ask me what she knew I had to tell her. “Soooo... feel like telling me what’s going on?”
“I, um...” I stammer. “I was wondering... have you ever felt like something was hopeless, but you still hoped anyway? That maybe a miracle would happen, and you know it won’t, but you keep hoping because there’s nothing better to hope for?”
Sweetie blushed a little. “That’s pretty personal.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”
“No, not embarrassed, just...” she trailed off. “Never mind.” She thought for a moment, seeming as if she was building up some courage, then looked back at me. “I know what you mean, Spike, but I don’t see why you’d tell me about it. Is there something you’re hiding that you wanna tell me?”
This was the moment. It was either now or never to tell somepony, and if I couldn’t tell a pony who wasn’t Rarity, I’d never have the guts to tell her. “Sweetie Belle, I think... I love Rarity.”
Sweetie’s face was a mixture of emotions, but I couldn’t make out any of them. She was silent for a few moments, then she asked, “Have you told her yet?”
“No.”
“Is that what you were going to do?”
“Um... yeah.”
“Well...” Sweetie continued. “Between you and me, Rarity doesn’t like blunt honesty like that. She wants her, um, suitors to have a little more... tact.”
“Tact? What’s that got to do with love?”
She shrugged. “Beats me. That’s just how she is.”
I nod. “I understand, but... maybe it’s because nopony has ever done it without tact before. Maybe I’ll be the first, and I’ll be different from every suitor before. I mean, she’s still single, right? Well, unless that dinner went really well last night—”
“It did!” Sweetie blurted. “She had a great time and the stallion is at the boutique right now. You should have heard them, they were up all night together doing... stuff.”
“Stuff?” I ask uncertainly, unsure if I want her to describe what happened.
“Stuff!” she replied jovially. She didn't seem interested in embellishing anything either.
I sigh. “Well... I gotta tell her all the same, Sweetie Belle. Might as well now, before it’s too late and she’s—” I tried to suppress the urge to clutch my heart dramatically “—gone forever.”
Sweetie gave a disgusted groan. “Fine... if that’s what makes you happy.” She stalked away towards the outskirts of Ponyville.
In retrospect, maybe I missed something there.
My feet firmly in front of the door to the boutique again, I took several slow, deliberate breaths, trying to steady my shaking claws. I raised a fist to the door and rapped three times as politely as possible. From within, I heard a muted “Coming!” from Rarity.
Standing on the other side of the door was the most beautiful pony I could have imagined. She seemed unsurprised to see me, smiling as if she was happy to acknowledge my presence. “Ah, Spike, I was wondering when I would see you again. I trust you’re feeling better since yesterday?”
I nodded my head silently, not taking my eyes from hers.
“Ah, and do you have something to say?”
I nodded again. “I have... something to tell you. That I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long time.”
Her eyes lost a lot of the luster they'd been holding. “Oh... oh. Well, it’s just been such a busy morning, and I’m not sure if I—”
It’s now or never, Spike. “I love you, Rarity.”
She recoiled as if I’d just beat her over the head with a measuring stick. “Don’t say that!”
I adamantly stood my ground. “I mean it. I love you.”
“Spike... I have some choice words to share with you, and believe me, you won’t like a one of them.”
“Then I’m prepared to take them.”
She rolled her eyes. “I was expecting an apology, not a confession. This... thing you have for me, it was cute before you, em... shall we say, made your intentions clear. I thought it was harmless. But I’m too old for you, Spike.”
“No.” I took a step forward. “You’re not.”
“Yes. I am.” She shook her head. “I’m nearly twice your age.” She sighed, her head drooping, then she looked back at me. “These feelings you have for me, Spike—they’re wrong. You’re just a teenager, and I understand you’re confused. But this is wrong. If you’re going to keep this behavior up, please don’t bother me with this again.”
“I’m not bothering you. I love you,” I repeated. I lurched forward, as if to touch her.
A magically imbued door slammed into my face. Hard. I was jarred out of the trance I was in, realizing quickly that my nose hurt. A lot.
I gave a mournful, “Ow...” making sure it was loud enough that Rarity could hear it on the other side of the door. The least I could do was make her feel bad for snubbing me. I was the best she’d ever have, anyway. Her loss.
I stalked away from the door, nursing my nose. I could feel her eyes watching me go, making sure I didn’t do anything she didn’t like.
I felt... overcome, possessed by an urge that isn’t my own. I had to do something. I couldn’t let it stay like this. She was watching me, I was certain of it.
“Ponyville! I love Rarity!” My voice boomed throughout the streets, echoing far and wide. Anypony outside in the area almost certainly heard it.
I almost immediately regretted my decision. It wasn't as if it would change anything. All I’d done as a consequence was commit to a very stupid idea.
The tears flowed unabated again that night. After a day of aimless wandering, struggles to accept reality, and plenty of crying, my emotions allowed me time once more to think of the one thing I’d put so much hope and life into.
The thing I’d always taken for granted was crumbling from around me. I was alone and adrift.
Well, not alone. Twilight held me again, my tears again soaking her mane. She didn’t seem to mind. She just held me, knowing I needed the warmth and comfort.
“Why doesn’t she love me, Twilight?” I implored her.
“For the tenth time, because she’s her own mare. That, and you’re about half her age.” She chuckled a little. “Older ponies always say that age becomes less relevant as time goes on, but... maybe find somepony closer to your age? I think that would make this whole situation a lot less stressful for you and Rarity.”
“I don’t love any of them. Not like I love Rarity.”
“Now, you’ve read about infatuation. You know how deceptive it can be.”
This is way stronger.” I shook my head. “It has to be love. It has to be.”
Twilight sighed. “I understand it’s difficult to see clearly right now, Spike. Maybe we can talk about it after we sleep.”
I gulped, my thoughts straying away again, making my mouth move automatically. “Twilight?”
“Yes, Spike?” she responded, still holding me tightly.
“You said... you’d do anything to help... right?”
“Yes, anything, and I mean it!”
“C-can you...” I stuttered. I felt her body tense, as if she realized just then what I was about to ask. “Can you help me... um... forget?”
There was an uncomfortably long silence, then she started to pull away from me. “Not like that.”
I gripped her neck, using my strength to keep her close. “Please. I think it’s all I need.”
“No.” She wrenched herself away from me. “I’m your sister, Spike. I’m twice your age. Get some sleep. You... you need to think straight.” She shook her head. “Not like this. This is wrong.”
The tears, their flow stemmed by my horrible idea, came back full force. I continued to sob, but I’d pushed away the one comforting shoulder I had. All because of my stupid brain.
My eyes opened. It had been a few hours since I fell asleep. The Moon was near the horizon. It would be gone soon, and day would come after.
Another day of misery and hardship. Another day of having to reconcile the tearing at my soul that I was being forced to weather, day in and day out.
I looked around. Twilight was fast asleep. I wasn't.
I shifted uncomfortably at the thought forming in my head—then, again, at the other form taking shape under my covers.
She’s my sister! How could I possibly even be considering this?
Because... it’s infatuation. Twilight says... she says it’s perfectly natural, to feel like this. She lectured me about it when I was reading.
I slid silently out of bed, my perfectly natural infatuation all I wanted to acknowledge right that moment. She’s my sister... but imagining can’t hurt, can it?
I was as silent as possible, trying to do my business while staring at her. She looked—so beautiful. I’d always felt this... way about her, hadn't I? I mean, she’s not related to me by blood... she’s like my adopted sister. It’s okay to see her as beautiful, isn’t it?
I guess I grunted a little too loudly, because she stirred. I immediately froze in place, hoping against hope that she didn’t open her eyes.
To my utter horror, she did. And saw me. And she wasn't happy about it. “Eugh! Spike! What in the name of Celestia are you doing? Ew!”
“I’m, I’m sorry! It’s just... I was thinking about how beautiful you are, and infatu—”
“No! That’s disgusting! You leave my room right now!” She looked at me sternly, her anger to the boiling point.
I released my grip and Twilight shielded her eyes. I walked sadly outside of the room and heard it magically slam shut and lock behind me.
She already hated me anyway. I wasn't the Spike she remembered and missed anymore. I hadn’t been for quite a while.
That, at least, was what I told myself when I picked up a picture of her smiling next to a younger me and stared at it as I finished my business. She told me it would be perfectly natural to feel that way when I was younger. I still believed her at that moment.
I woke in the morning on a couch down in the parlor. There were a few poundings on the door. I heard Twilight call down, “Spike, will you get that, please?” as if the events of last night had never happened.
I wished they hadn’t.
I opened the door and looked at a disheveled Sweetie Belle, shivering and teary-eyed. I guessed I wasn’t the only one having a crisis.
“Hey, uh... what’s going on?”
“I need to talk to Twilight.” She said it as emotionlessly as possible. “Now.”
“Okay, uh... one second.” I turned my head away from her. “Twilight, Sweetie Belle needs to talk to you!”
“What’s it about?”
I looked back at Sweetie Belle. “What’s it about?”
She stared mournfully into my eyes. “Growing up.”
I looked at her questioningly, then turned my head away again. “Something pretty important, I’m pretty sure!”
“All right, send her in!”
I held the door open and let her in. She hopped up the stairs that led to Twilight’s room.
I stared at nothing for a little while, stewing over my emotions.
Seeing Rarity would be like a twist to my heart right now. I didn’t feel like talking to Twilight about what happened last night. I didn’t feel like seeing anypony I knew right now.
Where could I go that would take me away from every pony I knew?
There. There would work.
I hastily scribbled a note that read: “Gone off to think. Will be back when I’m ready.” I grabbed the few dozen bits I had saved up and left for the train station.
Now, I’m here. Another doughnut appears in front of me. More blue frosting.
Well, Twilight isn’t my first choice, but that didn’t seem to stop horny teenager Spike. Blue frosting will have to do for a dragon who isn’t too picky. I pick it up and take a bite out of it, wrinkling my nose at the slightly different flavor the frosting gives.
“Why d’ya make ‘em, anyways?” I ask. “Nopony eats ‘em.”
“Actually, I do have quite a number of valued customers who appreciate blue frosting on their doughnuts. They’re not all pink and brown frosting types.” Pony Joe looks at me scrutinizingly. “As a matter of fact, you, my valued customer, are eating a blue doughnut right now. I guess somepony—er, dragon—eats them.”
“Only ‘cause the best ones aren’t for sale.”
“If I only sold my best, how would you know it was?”
I consider his question. “Guess I wouldn’t. I gotta take yer word f’r it.”
“Exactly.” He nods his head. “I make the blue ones so’s anypony willing to try ‘em, depending on their tastes, may like it more or less than others. You may not see my blue doughnuts as important, since you don’t like ‘em all that much... but some of my customers only come for those, believe it or not.”
“Huh. Appreciate ‘em.” My sugar-intoxicated head bobs back and forth. I eat the rest of the one I have. “’Nother?”
He rolls his eyes and places another in front of me. Appreciate what I’ve got. Hmm.
I hear the bell jingle behind me. I’m not the slightest bit curious who entered or left. I may as well be happy with the blue doughnut Pony Joe gave me.
“Spike?” a familiar voice asks.
I look behind me and see Sweetie Belle, still on the verge of tears and emotionally distraught. “Eh? Why’re you here? I said I’d come back, uh... later.” I think I put later on my note. Maybe I can’t remember for all the sugar. Doesn’t matter to me.
“I know, and I’m sorry for bothering you, but... I talked to Twilight.” She visibly swallows the lump in her throat. “And she said it’s just infatuation, and that you don’t really love Rarity, and that I only feel infatuation too, so it’s silly to even say it, but—” The words catch in her throat. She seems like she’s going to regret going on, but she forces herself to anyway. “But I still have hope. That’s all.” She leaves the shop again.
I stare at the door. I cannot comprehend what was just said to me. The amount of sugar distorting my thoughts is just too high of a concentration. I can’t see straight and I can’t think straight.
“Whoa! Didn’t think they’d be hunting you down here,” Pony Joe says in amusement.
I don’t really feel like thinking right now. Maybe I’ll think about what she said later. Maybe I won’t even remember. I don’t think it matters anyway. I really ought to ask how she found me, though. I bet Twilight told her where I’d gone.
I finish off my current doughnut and take another swig of hot chocolate. “’Nother.” Pony Joe sighs and places another blue doughnut in front of me.
I may as well be happy with the blue doughnut if it’s all I can get.
Author's Note
This was intended to be an exploration of teenage feelings and desires. I hope it wasn't too confusing.
--Scootareader
