Ponyville hadn’t changed much in twenty years. Oh, sure, there were more ponies and buildings, many of them being businesses belonging to the former youth of the town, but all in all, not much had changed. Perhaps that was why Twilight Sparkle enjoyed being here, in her crystal castle of friendship. Even with the lands relatively at peace for the last two decades, she and her friends would still meet here, often to discuss their personal lives and issues facing the country at large. Celestia had long ago absolved Twilight of sending out friendship reports and, in return, had given her the resources to deal with crises before they had a chance to snowball into much worse events.
Still, the fact that she basically lived by herself for the last ten of those years was beginning to wear on her. She had been on dates for many of these years, but nothing ever serious. Her most serious relationship had been with a cute pegasus guard in Canterlot, but his “prestigious” family had seen her as an outsider and eventually persuaded them to call it off. Too bad they were so short-sighted, seeing that she was practically living in a castle and now had actual power within the government. She kept in contact with him still, though they had never tried to restart the relationship.
However, these days of loneliness were long overdue for a vacation, and after checking her mail that morning, Twilight found a letter she had not been expecting. Spike, her former assistant, was returning from a ten year sabbatical to discover who he truly was. For a dragon, ten years around the world was barely a walk around the block, so for him, while an eye-opening experience to be sure, it wasn’t one to fret over too much.
So, when the doorbell rang several days later, Twilight answered it to find Spike standing there, mouth wide with a great big smile and arms held out wide. She wasn’t surprised, but she was still overjoyed.
“Spike!” Twilight shouted, jumping up and wrapping her legs around his neck. “I’m so glad you’re home!” Ten long years of absence, and here he was, looking none the worse for wear from his journey. It felt like he had been gone longer than that, and although she'd likely never admit it, it was lonely when he wasn't around. They had practically grown up together, so to have him leave for ten years... it had been harder on her than she would have like to admit, almost as if a piece of her had been missing.
“It’s good to be home, Twi,” the dragon replied, returning the hug as he gently set her back down on the ground. To think, he once had to look up at her to talk to her, but now he had to basically bend over in a bow to do the same.
“Oh, I want to hear all about what you did,” the alicorn replied, releasing him from her near-stranglehold hug and taking a few steps back. “Wow, you’ve grown almost a meter since I last saw you!”
“Yeah, well, I got a growth spurt a few years back,” he replied as he made his way inside. “Seems like dragon bodies only focus on certain things for certain periods of time when it comes to growth. See my row of double spines on my back?”
“Yes, wow, there’s got to be almost twice as many as before, and that was after more grew between the old ones,” Twilight said as they made their way to the living room. “What about your tail? What’s that bit on the end there?”
“Oh, that? That’s just some scales that grew longer and more durable; you know, for when I use it to dig for stuff,” he said. “Plus, another row of teeth grew in. That makes three sets!”
“Oh, wow, you’ll be able to just pulverize gemstones with those chompers,” the alicorn said as they seated themselves, her in a chair and he on the couch, as he was too big for the other chair. “Still no wings?”
He shook his head slowly. “Nope, still no wings, but hey, maybe not all dragons get them. I mean, it’d be a lot easier getting around with a pair, but me? Meh, walking is better for meeting other creatures. Plus, I don’t look quite as scary to some of the more skittish folks out there if I walk in instead of flying down like some big predatory bird.”
“Right,” the alicorn said. “So, are you home for good?”
“Hmm, I’ve given it some thought, and I mean, eventually I’d like to set out on my own, for good, you know? Just... not yet; I’d like to stay home for a few more decades or something, maybe more. I mean, I’ve been all over the place these past ten years, but none of them struck me as a place I’d like to live for the remainder of my life, or even for a good portion of it.”
Twilight smiled at that. “It’s good to have you back, Spike.”
He chuckled. “Trust me; it’s good to be back. Wandering all over the place, just doing whatever, whether it’s slaying demons or finding treasure or visiting some monks... it just can get old after a while, all right? Besides, wandering all over the place has more than its fair share of problems.”
“Such as?”
“Well, for starters, finding food and shelter on a constant basis can be tough at times. I mean, some of the cities I visited were often hundreds of miles apart, with only a village or two between of any decent size. Finding someplace to hunker down during a storm can be as troublesome as running into bandits, and trust me, I’ve run into more than my fair share of those.”
“You have? What... what did you do?”
“Meh, sometimes in the earlier years I either handed over my stuff or I outran them and hid,” the dragon said with a shrug. “Most of the recent times I turned the tables, robbed them, and let them go with a warning. Not many creatures are willing to stand up to an older dragon, especially one like me. I kind of earned a reputation in some of the more distant countries as a bandit-slayer.”
“Wait, you killed bandits?”
“Well, no, not really. Beat up a lot of them in self-defense, but never outright kill them,” he said with a shrug. “Just don’t really have that kind of killer instinct. I mean, I’ve killed more than my share of dangerous creatures, don’t get me wrong, but most of those were demonic or feral beasts, like a rabid manticore or something. I don’t really like thinking about it too much; makes my head hurt.”
“Okay... so then, did you do anything else?” Twilight asked.
“Well, though I never went hungry, or at least, not for too long, there was the problem with me being a little too loose with money, or at least, for the first few months,” Spike replied. “Sobered up real quick when I started getting very hungry sooner than I should have; few things can motivate a dragon more than hunger. Trust me, I learned to haggle and barter with some of the best of them, and to watch my back, just in case.”
“Well then, what about when you’d stay in a place for an extended period of time? Any troubles there?”
“Well, yes and no, but mostly yes, though calling them troubles wouldn’t be a totally-correct way of describing things,” he said, sounding a tad anxious.
“What do you mean by “them”, Spike?” Twilight asked, feeling a bit suspicious.
“Well, Twilight, you have to understand, I’m only a male, and a male can only take so much before he breaks under the pressure. I mean, I tried to resist, I tried, but they were just relentless.” He almost looked scared now, as if he were afraid of what she might say.
“What do you mean by that? What are you even talking about?”
“I mean females, Twilight; I was targeted by females the minute I left Equestria,” the dragon said with a snort. “While Equestria may be a very nice place, the best, in my opinion, but it’s too tame, too... well, I wouldn’t call it peaceful, but it’s way more idyllic than the rest of the world.”
“Spike... define “targeted” by females,” the alicorn said slowly.
“Twilight, you may not think, and I may not have thought it, but when I left Equestria, in the eyes of many outside of the country, I was handsome, almost devilishly so. I mean, yeah, look at me now,” he said, gesturing to himself. “Strong, capable, exotic, built for power and exuding an aura of masculinity that eclipses many other species; basically, a male dragon like me at this stage in life begins to develop into their prime, a prime which lasts for far longer than any other species on the planet. Now, I should have known this if I were growing up with other dragons, Twi, but I didn’t; so, when they came calling, I... I wasn’t ready for what they unleashed. I just couldn’t resist their advances: I’m a sap for a pretty face.”
“Unleashed? Whatever do you mean?” the alicorn said, starting to connect the dots. He was right; as a male specimen, he was incredible, though she didn’t really think of him like that. Plus, he was right about other countries out there being different; many had not reached the level of equality and community Equestria had, and so had far more stratified and divided classes of creatures.
“Twilight, I... I became a sex god.”
Silence rang throughout the crystal castle for what felt like an hour before Twilight made a sound. A sound Spike had not expected to hear; in fact, he was so shocked he could barely comprehend what was happening.
Twilight was laughing, and not just any laugh; it had started out as a snicker, which morphed into a laugh, which then evolved into a loud guffaw that seemed to stretch on into infinity. To the dragon, it wasn’t just a tad insulting, it was downright embarrassing that she found this so genuinely funny.
“You? A sex god?” she asked between laughs, rolling around in her chair so much she almost fell out. “Really?”
“Yes, Twilight, for real,” the dragon said, sounding a bit pouty.
“Oh, Spike, I know you, and trust me, you’re too sweet to be a sex god,” the alicorn said, wiping away a few tears from her eyes as she continued to snicker.
“I was once, before they got to me,” he replied. “You have no idea what I’ve been through, the places I explored, the creatures I... explored.”
“Well then, fill me in, I would like to hear some details about your “transformation” into this “sex god” of which you speak,” Twilight said, somewhat regaining her composure. “I mean, it’s not like you’ve been with every race out there.”
“That would be where you are wrong, Twilight,” Spike muttered.
“What?”
“Twilight, in the ten years I’ve been roaming the world, I’ve encountered practically everything in the way of viable females, and by viable, I don’t mean entirely animal. I mean sapient, intelligent creatures, with culture and feelings and the like. So, yeah, it stands to reason I’ve “bagged” one of every race, as some stallions say these days, barring, I don’t know, extinct ones or something.”
Twilight frowned, her slightly unbelieving nature rearing its head. “Prove it,” she said, as if it were a challenge. “Start at the beginning.”
“Well, it started as you might expect; I entered a city outside of Equestria, this big one filled with all sorts of ponies and other creatures. A young, handsome drake, out on his own, with only the satchel of robes at his waist and the cloak on his back keeping him company; it was like this I entered the city, a large place by the name of Blackfall. Here, I-,”
“Skip to the part where you were set upon by harlots,” the alicorn said. “I want to hear for myself how this all went down.”
“Well... I was looking for a place to stay for the first few nights, and the maps I had at the time were somewhat outdated. So, after buying a local map from a nice zebra, I made my way to a local tavern. Here, there were a few barmaids that immediately sought to part me with my money, something they unfortunately managed to do quite easily. After spending the night and realizing the rest of my money was gone, I asked if there was anyone who could help me. It just so happened the mare I asked, a tall unicorn by the name of Chandelier, happened to run a ring of prostitutes around the city and invited me to stay with her for a while.”
“Um... what?”
“Yes, I stayed with prostitutes for a few days, earning some money as a temporary bookkeeper. Madam Chandelier must have thought I was cute, or maybe the other mares did, but a few days before I left town, they... taught me things.”
“The way of sex?”
“Well, yeah, if you want to put it like that,” he said with a shrug. “Here I just thought they liked me at the time, but if only I had realized what they were doing sooner, maybe I’d have tried to stop them. They... they turned me into a weapon, Twilight: a sexual weapon. They taught me how to truly please females, not just in sex, but also in a short amount of time. They somehow knew I’d never be staying in one place for long, and apparently, they had friends in many places that were in need of some good, quick, no-strings-attached lovin’. So, unwittingly, I became their go-to love machine for many of these lonely females.”
“Just how many are we talking about here?” Twilight asked. “A few? A dozen?”
“Twilight, I’ve been gone ten years; tell me, do you really think in all that time I’ve only been with a dozen females? I mean, look at me.” As if to demonstrate, he rolled back slightly, whereupon a million ab muscles shone under his scales in a ray of sunshine blessed by the gods themselves.
The alicorn harrumphed, blowing an errant bit of mane out of her face. “Lay it on me.”
“Well, first there was Madam Chandelier and her “girls”, all thankfully above legal age, and all ponies. I mean, I’m sure they had real names too, but they all had me call them by their nicknames. Several earth ponies, three pegasus, and one or two more unicorns. Between all of them, they taught me most of what I know when it comes to sex and all that goes with it.”
“I see; go on,” Twilight muttered, holding her hooves together under her chin.
“Well, after Blackfall, I made my way to a coastal city called Squallton in a few months. I met a few of those ponies that Madam Chandelier had told me of and had a nice time with each one. And no, before you ask, none of them were married. Then, after them, I headed out across a small sea but ran into a storm and wound up shipwrecked with the rest of the passengers on a large atoll. Here I discovered a large band of zebra amazons living on the slopes of a dormant volcano. After determining they weren’t a danger to anyone and that I wasn’t going to try and eat them, they let us live with them for a while. Things got... interesting when they came into season. Must have had a different culture than most I heard about, seeing as each one selected for me to be their mate, as I was closer than the male tribe on the neighboring island they would normally visit. Thankfully I had brought some protection, or else I’d have likely fathered an entire new race on that island.”
“Okay, so, you’ve “had” earth ponies, zebras, pegasi and unicorns,” Twilight said, a small piece of parchment and a quill appearing out of nowhere. “What then? A griffin?”
“Met a nice one by the name of Frequent Flyer over in the Griffin Kingdom; spent a week with her plowing her through a wall, almost literally too.”
“Minotaur?”
“Met a pair of foxy twins being attacked by some bandits; as gratitude for me saving them, they took me home for a few days.”
“Diamond Dog?”
“The bitch was in heat, so naturally-,”
“Hey, don’t call her that!” the alicorn interrupted. “I’m sure she was a very nice.”
“Actually, that’s the technical term for a female one; I thought you knew that. Also, she had me call her “my bitch” during our very rough sex. I swear, she had the mouth of a sailor and the ass of a-,”
“Please, let’s skip over the details,” Twilight said, groaning slightly. She really didn’t want to get the lurid details out of this; it was hard enough imagining Spike having flings all over the place with different females of different species. She didn’t want the overall picture to become more detailed in her head. “What about a... a Breezie? They are too small for any sort of thing like that.”
“Well, funny thing is, growth spells have this tendency to make them extremely horny, so after I befriended one, she asked me to make her bigger. I did with the help of a friendly unicorn, and well... you can guess the rest.”
Twilight frowned; this was not what she had expected. “Now, I’m assuming you've had multiples of all these species, yes?”
“Correct; some more than once in the same hour.” Spike seemed rather smug at her questioning; so far, so good.
The librarian began to think of any species he’d have come into contact with. “A dragoness?”
“Three, actually,” Spike said with a smile. “All clutch-mates, and all so very happy to see a studly young drake as myself. It gets rather lonely up on top of a volcano, especially when it’s already surrounded by near-impassable mountains.”
“Why were you on a volcano in the middle of a mountain range in the first place?”
“Looking for gems. Found something sweeter instead.”
Ugh. “Okay, okay, what about... mules?”
“Aw, Twilight, I could never forget about a mule. Best three nights I spent in Gallop-poli were with a band of gypsy mule mares; all triple jointed and very, very flexible because of it, if you know what I mean.”
“Yes, unfortunately I do,” the alicorn said, trying to ignore the dragon’s wiggling eyebrows (eyeridges?) at the insinuation. She was beginning to believe he really had been with every female species out there. “Um... buffalo?”
“Well, the younger ones these days prefer the term “bison”, and yes, met a sweetheart taking a bath in the middle of a canyon stream. For a female bigger than most other species, she was quite the delicate flower.”
Ugh, I didn’t need to know that. “Okay, what about... what about... a crystal pony?”
Spike smiled in a slightly predatory way. “Seven.”
“Seven?”
“Yep. All in the same day, too.”
“Um... okay then,” Twilight muttered, writing down “crystal pony: yes” on her parchment. Hmm, she was starting to run out of ideas. “What about a... a changeling?” Ha! She had to have him there.
Spike blinked several times, suddenly looking rather nervous. “Before I say anything, promise me you won’t get mad, Twilight.”
“Why?”
“Please, just promise me you won’t get mad.”
“Okay, okay, I promise I won’t get mad.”
“Okay, okay,” the dragon said, breathing in deeply. “Yes, I’ve had three or four normal changelings, both disguised as others and as their natural selves. However, it’s not that I’m afraid you’ll react badly to. It’s... it’s...”
Outside the castle, a pair of unicorns were walking by, enjoying the smell of flowers in the air, when all of a sudden half of the roof of the crystal palace shot several feet into the air amidst a loud blast and just as swiftly came back down with a resounding crash. Running for their lives, the pair were lucky they did not hear the roar that seemed to bellow from the walls themselves.
“YOU FUCKED CHRYSALIS?!” Twilight screamed, having enough of this shit and flipping over the chair she was sitting on. Spike, on the other hand, had tumbled off the couch and was now hiding behind it, trying to hold it in place during her tirade.
“Twilight, you promised you wouldn’t get mad.”
“I’M NOT MAD!” she screamed as she kicked the table, causing that too to flip over. “I’M BEING COMPLETELY REASONABLE!”
“You’re shouting and throwing stuff,” he replied as a lamp soared past his head. “You’re definitely mad.”
“I’M NOT MAD, AND THIS IS PERFECTLY REASONABLE VOLUME FOR THIS DISCUSSION,” the alicorn continued. He had slept with the… the… the creature that had almost ruined her brother’s wedding! The monster that had imprisoned her, turned her friends against her, and had almost conquered Equestria! How could she not be upset about that?
“Please, Twilight, stop. The neighbors might hear you,” the dragon whispered. “Or you might break somet—,”
—a vase smashed against the wall behind him—
“—hing else.”
“SO?”
“They might tell Celestia on you.”
After a few more moments of an enraged face that could have melted the carpet in front of her, Twilight magically rearranged the room to somewhat of what it was before. Her mentor’s name still carried a lot of weight for her, even though she had long since been elevated above apprentice and was now more of an equal. Still, the one chair in the far corner had been flung out the open window in her rage and likely was in pieces on the ground below.
“Spike,” the alicorn said in a much calmer but still scary-as-shit voice. “Why, why oh why oh why, would you ever, ever go near the queen of the changelings?”
“Well, I was in the neighborhood, and I-,”
“That’s not a valid answer, Spike,” Twilight said, grinding her teeth so hard he was surprised they didn’t crack under the pressure. “Why?”
“Well... you know that the changelings and the bison tribes have had a troublesome past, right? Well, that bison female I met just so happened to be a sister to one of the more influential chiefs who was set to meet with Chrysalis to discuss land uses near the Badlands. She convinced her brother to let me go along with them to the meeting site, both because she liked me, and because, well, they thought I’d be a good bodyguard or something. Once at the meeting place, the bison gal said goodbye and that she’d always remember me, and soon after that, the changelings came out for the talks. It must have last all day, but Chrysalis would only agree to the bison’s side of the bargain if I came with her. I didn’t really have anything to lose, so I did.”
“How long were you there?”
“Oh, a few weeks... or maybe a month or two... or five,” the dragon muttered, clambering back onto the sofa. “I kinda lost track of time while I was down in there, and in... well, her bedroom.”
“Five months?” The alicorn asked, now more confused than enraged. “You were in there for what was maybe five months?”
“Well, yeah, but then she let me go,” he said simply. “Not sure why, she didn’t like other changeling mares looking at me for too long; kinda clingy, to be honest. She’s really sweet once you really get to know her, but I swear she obsesses way too much over her butt sometimes. I mean, it’s amazing, not a lick of fat on it, pure muscle I tell you; I’d wager you could bounce bits off of it.”
Great, now the image of Chrysalis’s firm, muscular butt would be stuck in her head all week. “Spike, am I going to have to worry about a changeling representative, or Celestia forbid, Queen Chrysalis herself, showing up to my front door with a paternity sheet in one hoof and a little dragon-changeling hybrid beside her?” Twilight sounded both exasperated and slightly scared.
“What? No, no, nothing became of our... romps,” Spike said. “I’m pretty sure nothing happened with any of the other females either. I mean, I’ve been gone ten years, and gave all of them my home address if anything happened in that time; you know, just in case. Surely if anything had happened, you would have at least heard about it first, right?”
“Hmm, Spike, you may be one of the luckiest creatures I’ve ever met,” Twilight said with a sigh. “No, I never got anything in the mail about you or from anypony I didn’t know, so no, no little Spike-lings running around out there... I hope. Celestia knows I can only barely handle one of you right now.”
“So... are you okay?” he asked, settling further into the sofa like a dog curling up in their hamper.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay,” she replied. “So... changelings, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, okay, what about... hmm, give me a second... oh, I know! This has got to be a race you’ve never even seen, much less bedded!”
“What?”
“A windigo!” she announced, triumphantly letting her parchment drop onto the coffee table. “Admit it, you haven’t been with one of those, have you?”
Spike was silent, a curious expression forming on his face; as if regret, contentment and amusement had combined into one.
“Go on, say it; say you’re never been with a windigo!”
“Um... I’ve never been with just any windigo.”
“Ha! I knew it! I always knew... wait a minute... you said “just any” windigo. What do you mean by that?”
“Twilight, please don’t get mad again.”
“Spike...”
“Twilight...”
“Spill it.”
“Okay, okay... I had sex with the Wendigo... Empress.”
“You... you did?”
“Yep. You’re... you’re not mad?”
“Mad? No, not this time; really just more... confused. I mean, how did you find her? She’s recluse, even amongst her kind, and they are almost impossible to find as it is.”
“She got a letter of recommendation from Queen Chrysalis. One of her emissaries came to me and brought to her ice fortress at the south pole.”
“South pole?”
“Yep: doesn’t like ‘messing with the affairs of that fat bear in the red suit in the far north’, she said. He’s got an army of reindeer or something, one of whom I also slept with. Vixen, I think her name was; part of his special “team” or something.”
“Wait, so, you had sex with the Wendigo Empress? And you’re just... so causal about that fact?”
“Well, she was lonely; her mate died several thousand years ago, and pretty much no other creature can touch one without being encased in ice immediately, so, yeah... I did. I don't regret it, either; really brought her out of a funk, you know. She wasn't being all that nice to the penguins down there, so now... their lives are easier now that she's happier again.”
“Huh.”
“Yeah: I'll admit, kinda weird, but hey, I did what I could for her, and she really appreciated it.”
“Well... okay, I’ve exhausted almost all of the possibilities,” the alicorn said. “What about... a draconequui? There have always been very few of those in the world.”
“Discord’s got a sister, you know. Eris.”
“Oh no, you fucked her too?”
“Yep: Discord said she needed some deep dicking or something. I don’t know, he was drunk at the time, and I think I was as well: at that winter party eleven years ago or something. Only found her about two years ago in the middle of some temperate rain forest. She’s into some kinky stuff, I’ll give her that.”
"A sea serpent?"
"Saved a small fishing village from one. It was her "time", and seeing as there were no nearby males, her frustration caused her to thrash continuously, which was causing waves to be a problem along the whole island. "Satisfying" her brought peace to their shores once again."
"Well, how about… whatever kind of species Ahuizotl is, from Daring Do’s book series?”
“Well, I did find one in this weird jungle temple on my way to this coastal city near the equator. Man, the things she could do with that tail of hers... she was a feisty one; name was Quetzicali, I believe.”
Ugh, sounds gross; that tail, anyway. “Okay, okay, what about... a centaur?”
“Found a whole herd of them up in the mountains across the sea. A really big one, the chief I think, gave me the "honor" of deflowering his oldest daughter.”
“That’s positively barbaric!”
“Hey, I didn’t say it wasn’t, but some of these guys were almost bigger than I was at the time, and hey, I made sure her first time was special and not too embarrassing or painful. Bragging aside, I think she rather enjoyed it, from the way she stayed by my side all the time I was there.”
“Ugh, okay then, what about... a batpony?”
“A sexy little thing by the name of Moon Shadow tried to steal from me in a city called Clopcord. Fucked her silly, I did; she promised she’d never try to steal from me again, and that if I ever wanted to see her some time, I'd merely have to say her name in Clopcord at night.”
“What about a cow?” By now, Twilight was getting desperate to name names, and really thinking she was past the term "scraping the bottom of the barrel".
“Well, on the way here, I stopped by Applejack’s farm, and one of the friskier, younger cows invited me into one of the more secluded pastures...”
“Better not tell Applejack that,” Twilight muttered, shuddering at the thought that Spike had literally gotten laid within miles of her home while he was heading towards said home. She was going to have to get him an industrial-strength chastity belt or something. Or maybe lock him in his room; whichever was easier.
“Can you think of any more I might have not “handled” these past few years?”
The alicorn sighed, putting down her parchment. “No Spike, I believe you: I believe you have bedded at least one of every race out there that fits the description of sapient and such. All of them all... except...”
A smile suddenly began to grow on her face.
“What? All except what?” Spike asked.
“An alicorn,” she whispered.
“A what?”
“An alicorn! Spike, you’ve never bedded an alicorn, have you?"
“Whoa, wait a minute, of course I have! I... I... there was that one, in the place, it was...”
“Nope!” Twilight shouted, throwing her hooves in the air in glee. “Nope! Spike, you have not bedded every race out there, seeing as there are only four alicorns out there. You may have said so, but I found the one race you didn’t. I found the one race you’ve never bedded!”
“Twilight,” Spike muttered, suddenly looking a tad green around the... scales.
“What? Can’t you see I’m celebrating? I was right, again!"
With a burp, a spout of green flame shot from Spike’s maw, and quickly coalesced into a small scroll. Reaching up and quickly grabbing it, the dragon opened it and read it. It didn’t take long for his mouth to twist into a smug grin.
“What’s so funny, Spike? Finally seeing the error in your statement?” Twilight asked, stopping her dance as she noticed the scroll he was holding. “What do you have there?”
“See for yourself,” the dragon said, handing it to her.
Holding the paper to her nose, Twilight quickly skimmed through the words, her brain barely keeping up with the movement of her eyes as she scrolled down the paper. Her smile grew smaller and smaller as her eyes seemed to bug out of their sockets, and eventually, upon reaching the end of the letter, she simply dropped it onto the floor.
“Twilight?”
“I’m going to bed.”
“But... it’s only three in the afternoon...”
“I don’t care anymore: I give up.”
“What?”
“I SAID I GIVE UP!” In a huff, the pony stomped off, slamming her bedroom door behind her with enough force to make the whole room rattle slightly. He could her muffled screams emanate from her room, likely minimally muffled by a pillow or two.
Knowing she'd get over this eventually, Spike picked up the scroll and looked it over once more.
Dearest Spike
We are pleased to inform you that we have been observing your dreams and have liked what we have seen these past ten years. It is lonely being an alicorn princess, more so when your subjects are doubly terrified of you to the point that physical contact is to remain a fantasy and not a reality. If you could be so kind as to respond to this letter, when you have a moment, we should like to be in your company for this Saturday evening, at around nine o’clock. Meet us in the Canterlot gardens, alone; there is no need for you to bring anything but yourself and perhaps a stamina potion or two.
We cannot wait to see you there.
With best regards,
Princess Luna
PS. Our sister has told me that the poolhouse will be unlocked for us, and that is sound-proofed as well.
Spike smiled; Luna had been sending him letters for a while now, and now that he was home, he could fulfill the part of his challenge to Twilight that Saturday.
“Time to make a booty call.”
Author's Note
Just a silly little one-shot I wrote over the weekend when I hit a roadblock in my other works. Kind of stupid, I know, but hey, just couldn't get it out of my head and thought I'd try it out.
Loosely based off of the comic "The Dragonborn Cometh". For adults only.
The week after Spike had returned home had been more or less the same for Twilight as it had been for the last ten years, save for a few things. They were minor, really, nothing really noticeable in her daily schedule.
Not important at all, really.
First, Spike was gone all night, arriving back in the wee hours of the morning. He was almost beyond exhausted, barely managing a weak “good morning” to her at her coffee table before he collapsed on a sofa and fell asleep within seconds. Trying to ignore his ferociously loud snoring the best she could, Twilight had continued on with her day the best she could; sending and receiving letters, meeting with some diplomats or local governing officials, doing taxes, the usual. It had been extremely awkward at first when the diplomats saw the snoring dragon on the couch, but thankfully they were too polite to say much about it after she explained he was merely tired from a "long journey".
The next day, when he finally woke up and plodded on all fours downstairs, Spike had immediately raided her refrigerator, scarfing down nearly half of the food inside before he stopped. He claimed he “needed to make up for all the calories Luna expelled from him” or something slightly more crude than that. Also, he had told her he hadn’t seen that much food in one place and had access to it in a long time, so he just couldn’t help himself. Spike had at least washed his hands before he ate, thankfully; walking around on all fours like he had been doing for years often left the taste of where he had been on food he touched. Thankfully, she had managed to get ahold of some magical soap that kept oneself clean for extended period of time, and was able to convince him to to use it regularly.
Then, by the third day, he had all but redecorated his room in his own new style (without even mentioning it to her), declaring “a dragon isn’t at home without a lair” and that he’d be available sometime the next day, after he was done of course. Later, when he was asleep, she had snuck in to find he had indeed arranged everything into some amalgamation of both organized chaos and a den of some kind. She had barely restrained herself from magically putting everything back where it should be, but knowing Spike, he wouldn’t like that, and would just “mess” it all up again anyway.
On the fourth day, luggage started arriving by the cartload, and much to Twilight’s dismay, it was not only all for Spike, but came with letters from some, if not all, of his former flings. Most of what they sent was rather touching in Twilight’s opinion; mementoes of the place they originated from, (mostly) non-risqué pictures of him with the senders or the senders themselves, well-thought out letters thanking him for being such a wonderful companion, even bits of treasure here and there that apparently he had asked them to hold onto for him. Oh, and the gems; lots and lots of gems in just about half of the luggage. This entire collection he added to his “lair”, carefully arranging it all exactly where he wanted it, and without any input from her whatsoever.
Thankfully for her, day five meant she had to leave for Canterlot for the weekend, and so, after an uneventful weekend filled with talking with Princess Celestia about economic growth and failing to avoid Princess Luna’s long talks of Spike’s apparently incredible endurance and tongue dexterity, she had returned home to find the palace more or less the way she had left it.
However, the noises coming from Spike’s room left little to the imagination, and to the alicorn, enough was enough.
“Spike, open this door.”
“Twilight, I’m busy.”
“I heard voices.”
“Um... no you didn’t.”
“Yes, yes I did.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“I’m coming in.”
“Please don’t.”
Twilight groaned in frustration as her magic opened the door, walking inside just as the sound of rustling sheets ceased to be. Spike seemed to be taking up more space under the covers than usual, and upon seeing that, warning signs went off in the alicorn’s brain. “Spike,” she began slowly, walking carefully towards the bed. “Who do you have in there with you?”
He smiled at her weakly whilst trying not to look suspicious as fuck, which he of course failed at miserably. A shifty glance every now and then, deep breathing, mouth slightly agape, obviously raised pulse; all the signs were there. Plus, the sheets were moving slightly, as whoever was under there was breathing, and whoever they were, they weren’t terribly small...
“Um... nobody...”
“I don’t believe you Spike,” Twilight said simply, sitting down and crossing her legs in front of her. “I want them to show themselves right now.” She didn’t sound angry, but she wasn’t happy; she sounded more like... like she was in charge, and there would be no ifs, ands or buts about it.
“What?”
“Right now, Spike,” she repeated. “Tell them to come on out. If you’re going to have any visitors of any kind, I need to know who they are and why they are here. This may be your room, but this is more or less my castle, and although you are an adult, you still live under my house, so please, humor me this.”
Spike looked from the alicorn before him, then down to his sheets, then up to Twilight again, and then down once more. “Hey, uh, um... you can, you know... come out now.” He paused for a few seconds, glancing back to Twilight. “Please?”
“Oh, okay,” a voice said. “Just be glad we’re too exhausted to argue with you about your house rules.”
“We?” Twilight repeated as one, then two, then three heads total came out from underneath the sheets...
“Wait... are you a... a... a...”
“Yes, honey, we’re a chimera,” the tiger head said, glancing over at the goat head on her other shoulder who nodded in agreement. “Don’t be scared, we’re not going to eat you; we’re full enough as it is.” At this, all three heads glanced over at Spike, who by now was smiling sheepishly and likely wishing Twilight had not come home so early.
Eww, did not need to know that, definitely did not need to know that. “So... ladies,” Twilight said, surprised at her own calm manner. “May I ask why you are here?”
If she had not more or less been “broken” by Spike’s tales earlier in the week, she might have completely broken down right then and there and started screaming or hitting stuff or maybe read a book. Sometimes her responses to situations varied regardless of precedent, like the time she had turned an orange into a flaming cantaloupe because Pinkie Pie had accidentally eaten one of her science-made cupcakes.
It had taken her three months to perfect that sugar-free sugar spell. Granted, Pinkie had more or less told her that it tasted like sadness, but all that work...
“We were just in the neighborhood and decided to drop by,” the snake end said simply.
“And why were you in the neighborhood?”
“Because, silly little pony, we were sent this way by a friend of ours.” The tiger head said this as she casually scratched the underside of her belly.
“Who?”
This time, it was Spike who spoke. “Hey, Twilight, remember how I more or less “proved” to you I’d been with every sapient race? Well, apparently I had more or less told the Windigo Empress this at some point when asked about my “experience”, so she sent out word to some of the more... “beastly” sapient creatures out there that I was here, or would be at some time, and that I was available.”
“Oh, really?” Twilight couldn’t believe this, or at least, she didn’t want to believe it.
“Yes dearie, she has quite the connections in the animal kingdom, or at least with those of a higher intellect,” the tiger head said. “You wouldn’t believe the number of creatures out there willing to fuck a dragon, especially one so... skilled between the sheets.” She purred as she affectionately rubbed her head against Spike.
“Alright... Spike, have you had any other... visitors while I’ve been away?” the alicorn asked.
“Well... other than the sister of one of Iron Will’s goat sidekicks... no, not really.”
“Wait, a goat?”
“Yep.”
“Jeez Spike, what’s next? A talking tree?”
“Well...”
“Wait, you didn’t.”
“Well, no, I didn’t fuck a tree Twilight. I was just about to say exactly that because I thought it sounded ridiculous.”
“My whole viewpoint on you has become ridiculous,” Twilight said, her wings flapping occasionally, indicating exasperation. “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore; you’ve become a veritable stranger to me.”
Sensing a problem unfolding in front of them, the three chimera heads looked at one another and then to Spike. “We’ll just be going now,” they said, slinking out from underneath the sheets and out of the window, taking extra care to climb down the side of the castle. When that didn’t work, there was a loud thud from outside, followed by some rustling in the bushes and a shout of “we’re okay!” far below.
Spike looked at Twilight as her magic gently shut the window. “Twilight, what are you saying?”
She sighed. “I’m not sure, Spike, but please, try and understand where I’m coming from here. I don’t see you for ten years, and during that time I rarely got a letter from you; maybe once every three or four months if I was lucky. Yet, in all that time, you didn’t deem fit to even hint to me that you were seeing someone, or in this case, many someones? Spike, I know that you’re growing up, but why? Why did I have to find out about all of this well after it all happened? I worried about you all the time, and was overjoyed every time you sent me a letter saying you were okay and all was good. Here I had thought you were doing just fine, and yet, during all that, you were doing every sapient species out there from dawn til dusk? Do you have any idea how hard that is for me to accept?”
The dragon was silent for several minutes, idly glancing at his hands as he smoothed out the covers of his bed. “Twilight,” he began, slowly crawling out of bed. “I... I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s something you need to.”
“What?” she asked.
“I... okay, this is going to sound weird, but hear me out, okay?” Spike said. “Once, in a cave near where those dragonesses and I... had some fun, I came across this really weird pool of water. I drank from it, and well, I either fell asleep or went somewhere really weird, because next thing I know, I’m talking with you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you, only... it wasn’t quite you. You were in the form you took all those years ago when you found Sunset Shimmer after going through that portal. I... I talked with you for hours, for days, I think. We...”
“... bonded?”
“You could say that,” the dragon muttered. “Twilight, it felt so real, so deeply connected to myself that I just did not, could not, want it to end. But eventually, it did, and I don’t know if I woke up or if I left, but some part of me Twilight despises m for what I did. I mean... for all I know, that was you, the other you, from that place. Yet even if it wasn’t, then... Twilight, you’re like my sister, and I don’t feel that way about you. Maybe it’s just my natural instinct to do so, but... I could never do that with you, the real you.”
“Then why do you despise this part of yourself?”
“Because it felt like you, and knowing it wasn’t you, and yet it seeming like you made me feel disgusted that I had done that in the first place,” the dragon said with a shrug. “I mean, maybe that’s why I started bedding more and more females after that; maybe it was a part of me trying to get rid of the guilt I felt for doing that, or just trying to forget the whole thing with others. Yet I haven’t forgotten, not because it was so special to me, which it wasn’t all that much, but because I’m terrified of the possibility it really was real.”
“But Spike, it couldn’t have been me; I never left while you were gone, or at least, never left Equestria,” Twilight said, touched at his conflicted heart. He had obviously been holding this in for some time now, judging from how easily it just seemed to spill forth.
“I know, I know, but... hey, I can’t stop feeling like that,” Spike said with a sigh. “I mean, I remember every relationship I’ve ever been in these past ten years, and not one of them, not one of them, scared me like the one in that cave. I do not regret a single female I’ve been with, nor do I wish to forget about them. I will always hold them in my heart, as they have done for me, but Twilight. I just... I just need you to understand something.”
“What would that be?”
“Several days before I left that cave to return home, I went to the pool again, and this time, I wasn’t with you, or Not-Twilight. I was with... someone else. Three someones, actually.”
“Sirens?”
“Yep. A few days after that, met a nice Saddle Arabian mare and her donkey attendants, and had some fun with them. About a month after that, met an actual horse mare who didn’t want me to leave for a while. That was why I was a little late, as my letter said.”
“Oh, okay; wasn’t expecting all that, but hey, you’re here, and that matters more than being here a few days earlier. So... what about that do I need to understand about all of this?”
“That no matter how many females out there I bed, no matter how many relationships I’ll have, I’ll always have a place for you in my heart, Twilight. When I was gone, your absence was like a hole that maybe I kept trying to fill, but ultimately couldn’t. I know, I know, that sounds kind of sappy, but hey, give me credit; I learned a lot trying to fill that hole.”
“By filling a lot of other holes along the way?” Twilight said, a grin cracking even as her eyes began to moisten from all this sappy confession.
Spike snorted. “Sometimes I swear you’re worse than me,” he muttered, walking over and pulling her into a hug.
“Oh, I highly doubt that.”
“Regardless, Twi, you’re the sister I’ll always have, and you’ll never have to worry about being replaced.”
“What? Why would I worry about being replaced?”
“Because I promise I’ll never be that stranger to you ever again,” the dragon said with a smile. “No matter how far, I’ll always be there for you, in some way. Now, where’s breakfast? I’m starving.”
“Yeah, gotta refill the “tank” after all that “conversing” with the chimera, eh?” the alicorn said with a smile, gently poking him in the sides of his stomach.
“Well, yeah, but be thankful it wasn’t a Nightmare,” the dragon said as they left his room. “They are almost as insatiable in bed as they are at a dinner table. Luckily the host knew how to cook like a fiend, or else we’d have run out of stuff to eat in no time.”
“Yeah... wait, what?”
Author's Note
Yeah, some people pointed out some problems. Hopefully this chapter can rectify some of those issues.
Sorry for the sudden insertion of "feelz". Not really sure what came over me while writing this (mostly in one go), but hey, now it's finally finished.
Unless people point out more sapient species, or if more are introduced in the next season.
Or if people keep asking for me to write detailed scenes of everything mentioned. For now, I'm leaving that up to another writer, who I will collaborate with on such things ~~instead of doing them myself~~ for the time being.
