Guards and Monsters

That night, we did indeed head back to exterminate the spider nest. Luna wasn’t in the mood for a hunt, at least, so she gave us all magical flame-throwers to take out the nasty bugs more efficiently. Without the Demon Spider Queen, the spiders were a lot less organized, and didn’t really come up with an answer to being doused in flames – nopony died to them, not even once.

Not to the spiders, that is. As we were mopping up the last of them, Diamond Tiara ‘accidentally’ splashed her flame across my back, setting me on fire. I screamed in pain and retaliated, except that I wasn’t aiming very precisely, being on fire, and got Pipsqueak, too. What followed was something that you should definitely not try at home, and never, ever even talk about within ear shot of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I call it a ‘flame-thrower fight’.

It turns out that setting ponies on fire is not a very good way to kill them. Mostly, you die from smoke inhalation, or hot-air inhalation, as your lungs fill up with fluid after being burned internally. Basically, you drown. The minute or so it took us to drown felt like an eternity when we were all on fire, and being bathed in fire, and only gradually losing the use of our limbs as the muscles cooked to the point where we couldn’t move them anymore.

Spike won, since he was immune to fire. Stupid cheating dragons.

Luna lost, since she wasn’t immune to fire, but didn’t need to breathe, and therefore didn’t actually die from being horribly burned, even after her limbs were basically reduced to charred bones and her eyes and ears were baked. Spike had to shove one of the flame-throwers into her mouth and cook her brain directly to force her to discorporate.

Her first act after re-forming was to take away all our flame-throwers. Except Spike’s, of course, since it was built-in. He had to finish off the last of the spiders himself.

===

That night, Luna asked us to suit up, but when we formed up in the training yard, we were met only by a will-o-wisp, that led us into the air, and up to the top of the Lonely Mountain. There, under the moon and stars, Luna awaited us in full battle armor, surrounded by a ring of torches that burned with a bluish purple flame.

We landed in front of her, inside the circle, and waited to hear what this was all about.

She smiled at us – a strange smile, without any of her usual viciousness. She smiled, and it reached her eyes. And then she walked over to Diamond Tiara, leaned down and nuzzled her, leaving the girl totally dumbfounded. “My Night Guard,” she said to us, wandering over next to where Bon Bon and I had landed beside each other, and enfolded both of us in her wings. “My bat ponies.” It was a few steps from there to Pipsqueak, who bowed low before her. She set a hoof gently on his head, and patted his mane. “My children of the night.” Spike, at this point, was giving her a wary look, so she merely nodded to him. “I am so proud of all of you.”

She continued her path until she was back on the far side of the circle, facing us. “Rise,” she said, although only Pipsqueak was bowing. I gave a quick bow of my head so that I could lift it again.

“I will not pretend that your training is complete,” she said, “but you have all come so far, and the rest is simply a matter of continuing to learn and grow. There is no point delaying this any further. You have passed my test – you have all passed, and should you so desire it, I offer you a permanent place by my side.”

There were a few moments of silence. It was starting to get uncomfortable, so I chimed in, “Oh.”

Luna’s smile started to fade. “You do not sound pleased.”

“Well… I’ve had fun, Princess,” I told her, “but I don’t think I can sign up for good. This isn’t the life I want.”

“It isn’t?” Bon Bon asked.

“It’s definitely not the life I want for you,” I told her, giving her a nuzzle. “And it’s just so much training, and so much fighting, and so little time for music,” I explained to Luna.

Luna nodded, although she still looked disappointed. “And the rest of you?”

“Sorry,” Spike said. “Twilight needs me. I can stay here for another week or two, but I can’t sign on forever.”

She turned to Pipsqueak, who scratched at the ground with a hoof and didn’t meet her gaze. “Luna… Princess… I would do anything for you.”

“I would not have you do anything you do not wish to do,” Luna replied. “I would have you be happy.”

“I’m not happy,” he said. “I hate this. I hate the fighting and the dying and all the pain, it’s just no fun at all. Plus none of the fillies here will give me the time of day. They all know me and none of them really like me.”

“Oh,” Luna said, her ears flattening.

“I don’t suppose there’s an opening for a Royal Consort?” Pipsqueak asked.

“There is not,” Luna snorted, amused.

“Well, I’ll accept,” Diamond Tiara said. “These losers don’t know a good thing when they see it. You’re my ticket to fame and fortune, and if I have to dress up as a bat and get my hooves dirty, then it’s totally worth it. Besides – it’s this, or retail. Ugh.” She scrunched up her face and shivered.

“Although it’s not going to be the same if I’m your only bat pony,” she added. “How will that even work?”

“I never intended for you to be the only members of my Night Guard,” she said. “You were the suitable ponies in Ponyville. I will find more in some other town. Manehattan, perhaps. I had hopes, since so many of you passed, that I could have multiple squads, with you as the leaders…” before any of us could change our minds at that incentive, she continued on. “But such is not to be. I understand that this life is not for everypony.”

I had a thought. “Wait – when we started, didn’t you say it didn’t have to be all or nothing? Because it is fun, and I do enjoy it, I just don’t want to do it all the time.”

Luna brightened a little. “Yes, I offered that as an option. You can go back to your normal life, and I will call on you only when my need is great.”

“You should have her come in periodically for some training, or she’ll forget everything she learned,” Diamond Tiara said. “One weekend a month is the schedule the militia uses.”

“Weekends are actually bad for us,” Bon Bon said. “Maybe Twosdays and Windsdays?”

“The first Twosday and Windsday of the month?” Diamond Tiara asked. “Which would mean your next appointment would be on the… fourth?”

“That works,” Bon Bon replied.

DeeTee looked at me. I grinned back at her. “My schedule’s always open. You know that.”

“Well, now it’s not,” she replied. “You’ve got an appointment on the fourth.”

I saluted, and turned back to Luna, who nodded at me. I guess that meant that she accepted the arrangement.

“I can do that too,” Pipsqueak said. “I guess. It’s just a few days a month.”

“Is it truly what you desire?” Luna asked him.

“It’s worth it to spend time with you, Princess,” he replied.

“In that case, all of you – place your hoof over your heart, and repeat after me. I, state your name, do solemnly swear…”

“I, Lyra Heartstrings, do solemnly swear…” I said, alongside the babble of other names from the other bat ponies.

That I will be the blade in the night, that cuts the web of evil before it can ensnare the innocent who walk in the day.
That I will act always with resolve and compassion, and never turn my blade upon the innocent or on those who can be redeemed.
That I will uphold the honor of the night, and of the Night Guard, in all my actions.
That I will follow my Princess into darkness, but never into evil, save to turn her back from the precipice if I can.
That I will not have sex in the barracks, neither with my fellow guards, nor with camp followers, and especially not with changelings…

We all sort of broke down laughing at that point, aside from Pipsqueak who tried to melt into the ground. “Maybe the oath doesn’t need to be quite that specific?” I suggested.

“I have seen what you all have been up to, and I think that perhaps it does,” Luna replied.

===

We spent the rest of the night in ‘merriment’ of the style that Luna had enjoyed a thousand years before, which was surprisingly similar to what the Royal Guard still does for fun today. Only with more mead. I kind of like mead.

In the morning, we all headed back to Ponyville, except for Diamond Tiara of course. We were all given our armor to take with us, just in case we needed it and there wasn’t time to get in touch with Luna. Even Spike got to keep his, and he hadn’t even taken the oath.

“Well, it’s not like she has any other dragons to give it to,” I pointed out.

“I just feel a little guilty that I get this sweet suit of magic armor, and I barely even did anything with you guys,” he replied. He was back in his drake form – we’d finally found one thing that dragon-bat-ponies weren’t immune to. Alcohol poisoning.

“She’s hoping you’ll change your mind,” Bon Bon said.

“Well, I’m not,” Spike said. “Once Twilight’s feeling better I’ll be back to being her number one assistant.”

We stared out the windows of the train for a while, as it wound its way down the side of the mountain.

“Do you think Rarity would be into bat ponies?” Spike asked. “I mean, just theoretically, you know.”

“I don’t know, Spike,” I said. “I don’t think she’s into mares.”