Caverns & Cutie Marks

Chapters

Chapter 12: Burning Hearts
Chapter 13: Bug Out
Chapter 14: Once Split, Now Kind of Whole
Chapter 15: Bandits do a Thing
Chapter 16: Never Split the Party
Chapter 17: Big Damn Heroes
Chapter 18: Legionnaires Forward!
Chapter 19: The Aftermath
Chapter 20: You Never Split the Party
Chapter 21: Trust Issues
Chapter 22: Squid Bait
Chapter 23: Stuffy Pony is Stuffy
Chapter 24: Cavern Tale
Chapter 25: I See Your Angst and Raise You Bandits
Chapter 26: Welcome to the Pony Club
Chapter 27: Deadly Challenges?
Chapter 28: Aftershocks
Chapter 29: Arachnophobia
Chapter 30: Wolves und Ponies
Chapter 31: Capital Offense
Chapter 32: The Inns or Outs
Chapter 33: Wits has before mentioned Fit
Chapter 34: Burned Cheeks
Chapter 35: Intentions for Planning
Chapter 36: Will power help?
Chapter 37: Infirm Theories
Chapter 38: Hey gang, let’s split up! Again!
Chapter 39: Most Suspicious!
Chapter 40: Skullponies Encore
Chapter 41: Witty Title Here
Chapter 42: Don't Panic!
Chapter 43: What could possibly go wrong, right, Murphy? Want some popcorn?
Chapter 44: Death Should Not Have Taken Thee
Chapter 45: Turnabout Ponies
Chapter 46: LightCubed's Hell
Chapter 47: Meanwhile, back on the farm...
Chapter 48: One Jump Ahead
Chapter 49: NAAANTS INGONYAMAAAA YER A QUEEN A GLITTA
Chapter 50: Outrageous Acts of Royalty
Chapter 51: Wits End is Dead, long live the End
Chapter 52: Villainous minds
Chapter 53: Oops
Chapter 54: REBARU APPU! APPA, YIP YIP!
Chapter 55: Another Party Split? ALRIGHT!
Chapter 56: How to Properly Hide Your Artifact of Doom
Chapter 57: Wits End Does A Thing
Chapter 58: Purple Heart Does a Thing
Chapter 59: Who is that Pony I see?
Chapter 60: "Yer a Primarch, Purple Heart."
Chapter 61: Flee, Fear, Frythan, Foes
Chapter 62: ‘Aggressive’ Negotiations
Chapter 63: Center of the Imperial Web of the Under Race of the Aracholsid Aka the 'Cavern Wide Web'
Chapter 64: Just talking to myself
Chapter 65: Paranoid Mane Six Shenanigans
Chapter 66: The Order
Chapter 67: Now’s the time to be the strong, silent type
Chapter 68: We Don't Want to Set the World on Fire
Chapter 69: Ohhhhh my...
Chapter 70: They Delved Too Deep
Chapter 71: Princess Witstang is in Another Castle!
Chapter 72: Wits End gets new friends that won’t abandon him to the Gate of Truth
Chapter 73: The Chapter Henceforth Named After Funny Hats of Power
Chapter 74: REVENGEANCE (Nobody gets to kill my friends but me!)
Chapter 75: Angsty Ponies are Angsty
Chapter 76: Running with Tails Firmly Between Legs
Chapter 77: Six months later…
Chapter 78: Valley of the Night
Chapter 79: Why Light Patch is No Longer Allowed to use Flammable Objects
Chapter 80: Baseward Bound
Chapter 81: Rarely Does a Rainbow Appear at Twilight
Chapter 82: They Come in Waves and We Push Them Back!
Chapter 83: Gotta Go Fast
Chapter 84: No-pony Cared Who He Was Before He Put on the Mask
Chapter 85: EsCA-pe!
Chapter 86: The Keep Is Enclosed, My Lord.
Interlude
Origins Chapter: Just Duty
Origins Chapter: Bael
Origins Chapter: Holdfast
Chapter 87: One Colt, Two Colt, Red Colt, Blue Colt
Chapter 88: We’re About to See Some Serious Crap
Chapter 89: They Come From a Land Down Under!
Chapter 90: The Beginning of the End
Chapter 91: The Center Cannot Holdfast
Chapter 92: Narrate the Mechanics
Chapter 93: Avenging the Titanic
Chapter 94: Tea n’ Cakes n’ Stuff
Chapter 95: Hello Goodbye
Final Note
Chapter 2: Conscription and Costumes
Chapter 3: Purple Heart
Chapter 4: Wits End
Chapter 5: Light Patch
Chapter 6: They don’t have any bits
Chapter 7: Profitable Considerations
Chapter 8: Hearts of Iron
Chapter 9: A Town on Crossed Roads
Chapter 10: Conflicting Hearts
Chapter 11: Connections, References, and Lumber
Chapter 1: Scrolls and Shenanigans

Chapter 12: Burning Hearts

“Things just got a lot more complicated,” Purple Heart grunted, considering the next possible actions available to him and his new companions. Rainbow Dash’s turn was currently in-play. Twilight had spent her turn casting a spell that caused little to no damage to Hammer Hoof. Apparently, the hefty bugger was resistant to lightning damage. As of now, all three enemies remained, one of which was invisible. They had a significant advantage over Purple Heart, Twilight and Rainbow Dash. The purple stallion racked his brain, trying to think of a strategy that would get him and the two mares out of their situation without much injury.

Rainbow Dash hovered in her square, anxiously waiting for Purple Heart’s orders. Twilight stood in her square, panic beginning to spread throughout her body. The alicorn princess had no experience whatsoever with this kind of situation and was absolutely certain that Rainbow Dash was as frightened and uncomfortable as she. Both pegasus and alicorn had been confident in their previous abilities and frequently used that fact to their advantage, but in this case, the two mares had no idea what to do. Discord had placed rules and limitations upon them and replaced their magic with strange, alien powers unlike any that they had seen before. And that scared them.

Purple Heart glanced briefly over at Rainbow Dash and Twilight and instantly recognized the expressions both mares wore: fear. A frown creased Purple Heart’s forehead as the barbarian stallion turned to face Rainbow dash directly.

“Rainbow,” he barked sharply. The blue pegasus blinked in surprise and met Purple Heart’s gaze.

“Yeah?” she said, her voice trembling. Purple Heart’s frown vanished and was replaced with a sympathetic expression. She’s terrified, Purple Heart thought to himself. She doesn’t have any idea what she has to do.

“Rainbow,” Purple Heart repeated, this time more gently. “I need you to close your eyes and think.” Both Rainbow Dash and Twilight frowned, puzzled.

“Think?” Rainbow Dash echoed. “About what?” Purple Heart grinned supportively.

“The things that make you who you are,” he said. Mien gott, did I just say that? That’s cheesy enough to make nachos out of. Rainbow Dash flared her nostrils in indignation.

“Is your head okay?” she asked. “You didn’t get a concussion from getting hit, did you?” Purple Heart scowled, his grim mood returning.

“Just think, speedy,” he growled. “Something might reveal itself to you.”

“Like what?” Twilight asked. Purple Heart glared at the magenta alicorn.

“Something that’ll get us all out of here in one piece,” the purple stallion snapped. “Now, THINK!” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes before closing them, clearing her mind of all thought. The sounds of the clearing seemed to drift away. Fowl Ring’s jeers became muted. Hammer Hoof’s deep chuckle all but disappeared. There was almost perfect silence; perfect, thoughtless silence. Then a phrase materialized in Rainbow Dash’s mind’s eye.

Tri-Shot.

Rainbow Dash opened her eyes and the crash of sound sent her reeling in surprise. Fowl Wing was still jeering at Purple Heart and the purple stallion had started making scathing retorts. Twilight watched Rainbow Dash in silence as the blue pegasus shook her head in confusion.

“Purple Heart? What does ‘tri-shot’ mean?” The barbarian stallion stopped his retorts and frowned at Rainbow Dash.

“Haven’t the foggiest,” he stated flatly. “Try it anyway.”

“Fine then,” Rainbow Dash grumbled, pulling an arrow from her quiver. “I use Tri-Shot on-”

“Rainbow Dash activates Tri-Shot,” the Discord voice interrupted. “Designate three targets.” Rainbow Dash blinked. Twilight’s eyebrows rose in surprise. Fowl Wing and Hammer Hoof froze in shock. Purple Heart smiled.

“Ho?” he grunted deep within his throat. “That sounds interesting.” Rainbow Dash smiled in realization as the implications of this newfound ability dawned on her.

“I designate Fowl Wing and Hammer Hoof as targets,” Rainbow Dash called. Markers appeared over the two bandit ponies. “The third target is-”

“Hold it,” Purple Heart interrupted. “Don’t name your third target yet.” Twilight and Rainbow Dash both frowned.

“Why not?” Twilight asked. Purple Heart looked as if he was on the verge of exploding.

“Because,” Purple Heart said softly, forcibly trying to remain calm. “You were going to mark Land Bet as the third target.” Rainbow Dash blinked in surprise.

“How’d you know that?” she asked incredulously. Twilight looked at Purple Heart, wanting to know the purple stallion’s answer as well. Purple Heart sighed.

“He’s the third enemy we have to dispose of,” the purple stallion explained. “But he’s also got ‘Sneak’ active. The marker won’t be able to find him. Try if you like.” Rainbow Dash thought for a moment, considering Purple Heart’s words.

“I’ll take your word for it,” she said finally. “What should be the third target instead? In your opinion?” Purple Heart chuckled and looked to the sky.

“Could we have coordinates please?” he bawled. There were several seconds of silence and then the grid flashed. Numbers and letters appeared at the grid’s edge. Purple Heart was quiet for a moment as he glanced over the grid.

“There,” he said finally, pointing with a hoof. “Square A-7.” Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked at the square in question. It was at the edge of the grid near the treeline where the bandits had first appeared.

“There’s nothing there,” Rainbow Dash pointed out, turning back to Purple Heart. The purple stallion smiled.

“On the contrary,” he chortled. “There should be a certain sneaky pony in that general area.” Realization hit Twilight.

“That’s where Land Bet was!” the magenta alicorn crowed. Purple Heart applauded. Fowl Wing and Hammer Hoof started sweating. Of the three ponies facing them, only one noticed. Purple Heart grinned devilishly as he turned to regard Twilight.

“Exactly,” he confirmed. “Now hurry up and designate your target. If they do what I think they’ll do, our chance of survival increases significantly.” Twilight cocked her head in puzzlement, watching Rainbow Dash prepare her attack.

“I choose Fowl Wing, Hammer Hoof, and A-7 as targets of Tri-Shot,” Rainbow Dash declared, drawing her bow string to her cheek. Three reticules appeared over the three targets and began moving swiftly in random intermittent intervals. Rainbow Dash blanched.

“Uh...” she mumbled. “What that heck? There are three. And they’re all moving kinda fast.”

“So that’s the drawback,” Purple Heart mused, rubbing his shin with a hoof. “Makes sense. If anything, Rainbow, just be patient and make sure two of them will definitely get hit.” Rainbow Dash gulped.

“Ok,” she said. “This might not end well.” The blue pegasus watched as all three reticules moved at random. It was hard enough trying to hit one target, but three? That would definitely be something to brag about. If she succeeded. Rainbow Dash waited silently for nearly five minutes before she started to see something of a pattern emerge. Taking a slow, deep breath, Rainbow Dash released and watched as three arrows streaked across the intersection towards three separate targets. It was only after the arrows had been launched did Twilight understand Purple Heart’s plan. Rainbow Dash seemed to have realized it too, for both ponies turned to look at the purple earth pony.

“Well shot, Rainbow,” Purple Heart complimented, a wide and creepy grin spreading across his muzzle. “Well shot.” The two winged ponies turned to watch as two arrows struck their targets while one whizzed into the distance. Fowl Wing and Hammer Hoof both grunted in pain, each with an arrow sprouting from their shoulders. Their green bars shrunk to half their current total. Rainbow Dash and Twilight turned back to Purple Heart. The purple earth pony was grinning in satisfaction.

“Goal achieved,” he chortled. Twilight and Rainbow shared a confused glance.

“You gonna explain?” Rainbow Dash asked, crossing her legs in front of her chest. Purple Heart nodded, waving his hand dismissively.

“Yes, but not now,” he said. “Fowl Wing has her turn to complete.” Rainbow Dash turned to see the bandit pony’s name at the top of the list at the center of the intersection. Twilight needed no explanation. Purple Heart’s motives had been clear to the princess almost as soon as he had given Rainbow her third target. From what she had seen over the course of the previous round, each side was allowed one defensive action. After Rainbow Dash had discovered her newfound skill and told her teammates, Purple Heart had put his plan into action. By shooting at all three enemies, they were required to either take the damage or use the interrupt rule. Luckily for Twilight, Purple Heart, and Rainbow, Rainbow’s attack had been close enough to the invisible Land Bet and his compatriots to garner a reaction. And that reaction had been used to protect Land Bet from taking damage. Twilight grinned, understanding the purple earth pony just a little bit better. The magenta alicorn turned back to watch as Fowl Wing her attack on Purple Heart.

“I’m gonna do a defensive reaction,” he called out. “That ok with you?” Rainbow looked around the battlefield, her brow furrowed.

“Um...” she murmured. “Why?”

“Go ahead,” Twilight replied. “I’ll explain to Rainbow.” Purple Heart nodded, understanding her hidden revelation.

“As you will,” he said, turning to watch as Fowl Wing’s Javelin hurtled towards him. Twilight turned to the blue pegasus and focused her mind.

“I have a pretty good idea of his plan, Rainbow,” the magenta alicorn thought.

“What?!” Rainbow Dash screeched, looking around in surprise. The other ponies glanced at Rainbow in confusion, then turned back to their antics.

“Just think and I’ll hear you,” Twilight soothed. “As it turns out, I have the Telepathy skill. I took Purple Heart’s advice about finding unknown skills. Seems like it worked.”

“Scary,” Rainbow muttered. “You were explaining Purple’s plan?”

“From what I’ve seen,” Twilight began, “Purple Heart is a strategist. He sometimes thinks several moves ahead. Not always, but sometimes. Remember him telling you to aim at where Land Bet had been previously?”

“Yeah?”

“He knew that if at least two arrows were close enough to deal damage to the bandits, they’d try dodge or use some other defensive stratagem. Thanks to you, all three arrows were close enough to be a danger.”

“And Land Bet dodged, wasting their defensive action!” Rainbow Dash crowed in realization. Twilight smiled.

“Exactly. Now, since Fowl Wing declared an attack on Purple Heart, what do you think the Bandits’ plan is?” The sky blue pegasus considered the question for a moment, watching as Purple Heart successfully dodged the Javelin aimed at his head.

“They think the most dangerous opponent is Purple Heart,” Rainbow said finally. “He’s also the closest to one of them, which makes him the biggest threat.” Twilight nodded in confirmation.

“That’s why Purple Heart asked to use the defensive action. He’s already taking damage every turn and clearly deals the most damage per strike. They’ll want to get rid of him first.”

“So what is Land Bet going to do?” Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight paused. Honestly, she didn’t know what the purple earth pony was plotting. It was possible he was moving to finish Purple Heart off, but the bandit pony could also be sneaking to attack either Rainbow Dash or Twilight. The magenta alicorn frowned as Land Bet’s name moved to the top for several seconds before moving to the bottom of the list. Purple Heart’s name was at the top now.

“He moved,” Purple Heart explained over his shoulder to Twilight and Rainbow. “This makes finding him a little more difficult.”

“I’ll say,” Rainbow Dash snorted. “What now?” Purple Heart turned to face Hammer Hoof, wincing as the turn’s debuff took effect.

“Now we knock this bugger out,” he smirked, raising his hooves to his face. “I attack Hammer Hoof with Rock, Paper, Hoof.”

“I’d like to see you try that,” Hammer Hoof sneered, bracing for the imminent impact. Purple Heart’s smirk widened.

“Jan, ken...!” he rumbled, pulling his hoof back, gathering tension in his midsection as the yellow glow appeared around his hoof. “Hufu!” With an earth rattling roar, he torqued his midsection and unleashed the built up force directly into Hammer Hoof’s chest. The bandit pony squeaked in surprise as he rocketed away from the attack’s contact and into the trees. A small fanfare played over the spot where the bandit pony had been not seconds before and the phrase ‘Critical Hit’ materialized as well.. Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Fowl Wing all stared in shock and awe at the purple earth pony. Somewhere in the clearing Land Bet gulped, sweat rolling down his body like rain.

“Seriously?!” Purple Heart snapped. “Why is it in this place that natural successes are a thing?! I can’t get a crit worth squat back home! This is ridiculous! GAH!” Rainbow and Twilight blanched, realizing that the only reason Hammer Hoof had left the clearing was because of luck. Seconds later, Hammer Hoof’s name disappeared from the list and Twilight’s moved to the top. Purple Heart calmed down, wincing as he turned to face Twilight.

“Do you by any chance happen to have an Area of Effect spell in your arsenal?” the purple earth pony asked, his voice ragged from the exertion of flinging a rather hefty pony off the grid. Twilight was silent, still in awe of the lucky power Purple Heart had tapped into. Then her senses returned. Still reeling from the gravity of Purple Heart’s attack, Twilight closed her eyes and focused. She knew what Purple Heart intended, but they actually needed a spell that could accomplish the goal he had chosen. If the magenta alicorn did in fact have an area effect spell, that would be rather convenient for them.

“Well?” Rainbow Dash prompted. Twilight opened her eyes, her muzzle twisted into a grimace. Fowl Wing was hovering close to the ground, fear plain on her face. Twilight turned to look at a haggard and very weary looking Purple Heart. The stallion was near collapse and his health gauge was almost gone with only about 2/8ths remaining.

“Where do you think Land Bet is?” she asked shortly. Purple Heart looked around for a second, taking in the battlefield.

“E-7,” he croaked. “What are you planning?” Twilight considered the square Purple Heart had indicated.

“I don’t have any big Area of Effect spells,” she explained, picking the only other spell she had in her arsenal aside from Lightning Bolt. “But I do have something that might work.” Rainbow Dash switched her gaze between Purple Heart and Twilight, watching the exchange.

“Aha,” Purple Heart grunted. “Roight. Go ahead then. Hopefully they’ll surrender after this turn.” Twilight frowned, but dismissed the comment as she turned to look at square E-7..

“I cast Flare at E-7,” she declared. A crimson glow appeared at the tip of Twilight’s horn for a second before flashing across the clearing to land on E-7. All the grass within a two square radius withered under the intense heat. Nearly a minute passed before Land Bet screeched in pain.

“Alright!” he cried. “We surrender.” The grid disappeared along with the list. A trio of blue wisps materialized in the clearing’s center and darted towards the trio of conscious ponies. Purple Heart shuddered as the wisp disappeared into his chest.

“I hope there are health regeneratives,” he grumbled, walking over to glare down at Land Bet. “I sorely need one now.” Twilight and Rainbow Dash fluttered over to hover behind the purple earth pony. Fowl Wing landed and crept up to hide behind Land Bet, using the dark colored pony as a shield.

“I have two things to ask of you,” Purple Heart declared. “Well, one question and one demand.”

“Which is first?” Land Bet asked cautiously.

“Demand,” the purple earth pony stated. “Gimme your stuff.” Twilight stiffened in surprise while Land Bet happily tossed his satchel to the purple barbarian’s hooves along with Fowl Wing’s and Hammer Hoof’s.

“Why are you stealing their belongings?” Twilight snapped. Purple Heart poked his hoof into one of the bags and began rooting around inside.

“Spoils of war,” he explained, moving on to another bag. “Or spoils of conflict in this case. The winner takes the loot. Simple logic.” Twilight twisted his muzzle into a scowl, but didn’t stop the earth pony. Rainbow Dash watched curiously as Purple Heart pulled an oddly shaped flask filled with red liquid from the bag.

“AHA!” he crowed, popping the cork and guzzling at the red contents. Twilight stepped forward, trying to stop the purple barbarian.

“What are you doing?!” she screeched. Purple Heart stopped drinking and frowned at the alicorn.

“It’s a health potion,” he said, holding up the flask. “‘Regenerates drinker’s health’. Don’t stop me. I kinda need this.” He ignored Twilight’s look of horror as he downed the rest of the liquid and smacked his lips in satisfaction.

“Eeyup,” he grunted. “Tastes awful. At least it works though.”

“It does?” Rainbow queried. Purple Heart just pointed at his health gauge. The two mares blinked in surprise as the green bar filled completely and the debuff vanished. Purple Heart pulled the bags behind him and took a step towards the bandits.

“Now, the question: what are you doing here?” Purple Heart asked Land Bet harshly. The bandit pony shivered under Purple Heart’s hostile gaze.

“We’re here under orders,” he squeaked. “‘Patrol the forests and ambush any-’”

“I’m referring to why you’re here in this forest,” Purple Heart snapped. Twilight pursed her lips. The purple stallion was being unnecessarily aggressive. The battle was over. There wasn’t any need to add insult to injury.

“Honestly, we weren’t told,” Land Bet pleaded. “Our orders were to patrol the forest and make sure no one enters or leaves the village.” Twilight cocked her head.

“What village?” she asked. Land Bet balked, looking over his shoulder at Fowl Wing. The pegasus waved him on.

“The purple one sent Hammer flying,” she sighed. “You should probably tell them.” Land Bet nodded, turning back to look at the trio of ponies before him.

“The village is called Roads Crossed,” he explained, pointing over his shoulder at the intersection. “Go left and keep straight. You’ll reach it in no time.” A vein in Purple Heart’s forehead twitched.

“I’m not sure which angers me more,” he muttered as the trio started down the left path of the intersection. “The fact that there’s got to be a pun somewhere in the name ‘Roads Crossed’ or the fact he said to go left.” Twilight and Rainbow Dash shared a puzzled look and looked at the purple stallion.

“What’s that got to do with being angry?” Rainbow asked. Purple Heart gave the two mares a strange look. The two winged ponies blinked. The look almost seemed... fearful...and haunted.

“When we meet my hometown friends,” Purple Heart said. “You’ll understand.”

Author's Note

Author(s): Purple Heart

Chapter 13: Bug Out

The three ponies were sprawled out on the ground, each one breathing heavily as they tried to recover from their high-speed escape. The Timberwolf lay a few yards away, thin trails of smoke drifting from its joints.

Wits End rolled over onto his back, sword still clutched in one hoof. “That,” he panted. “Was. Awesome!” He shot up, eyes wide with excitement. “Did you see that? I was all like ‘gotta not get killed, gotta go fast’! And the Timberwolf was all ‘nope, gonna kill you dead’, and I was was ‘nope, going fast, getting killed very slightly’. And then you guys threw me the sword, and the Timberwolf was like ‘Oh no, a sharp thing! Better kill you faster!’, and was all like ‘nom nom’, and then I was all ‘nope, I am Groot’, and made a shield that I have no idea how it works. And then I was all like ‘swingidy-stab!’, and stabbed the Timberwolf, and it was like ‘Oh noes!’ And then it ran away, and I was holding on, and then you guys grabbed on, and we all got the heck out of Dodge, and it was super cool!”

Pinkie Pie watched the unicorn’s wild hoof-flailing as he recounted the story. “You should relax,” she said once he was finished.

“Yeah, I feel light-headed after that.” Wits End flopped backwards onto the grassy plain again. “Whew, adrenaline rush.” He looked over at the prone Timberwolf, which was panting heavily. “So, what’d we do about Woodsworth here? Send him back to the bandits?”

The Timberwolf whined. “I don’t think it liked being with those bandits,” Fluttershy said softly, walking over to pet the wooden creature’s mussel. “And she says her name is Taxus Brevifolia Lupus III.”

“...So not Woodsworth, then?”

Fluttershy and the wolf shook their heads in unison. “No.”

“Does she have a nickname or…”

The Timberwolf let out a low noise. “She says you can call her Taxi, for short,” Fluttershy translated.

“Oh good.” Wits End stood up, levitating the sword to rest side-first against his back. “So she doesn’t want to go back to the bandits, huh? Does she have a family or a pack we can send her to?”

Taxi nodded her head slowly. “Oh my,” Fluttershy muttered. “She says that she was captured by those bandits only a few weeks ago. She says her pack is probably still in the forest, looking for her. Poor thing.”

Pinkie Pie bounced to her hooves, hopping over to be next to Wits End. “Well then, she can come with us until she finds them! We can be her new pack! A pony pack! Ooh, and I can throw her a pony pack party! This game’s getting more fun by the minute!”

Wits End leaned away from the pink mare slightly. “Hyperactivity aside, it wouldn’t hurt to have a heavy hitter on our side for the time being. I’m still pretty beat up from our not-so-little tussle. Sorry about the whole stabbing and screaming thing, by the way.”

The Timberwolf waved a massive paw in dismission. Fluttershy chuckled before translating. “She says that you were flashy, but you didn’t actually hurt her that much.”

Wits End visibly deflated. “Oh…” A small, dark cloud seemed to appear over his hanging head. “Right. Squishy wizard character. No strength score to speak of.”

“Speaking of magic,” Pinkie Pie interrupted, sensing the mint-colored pony’s oncoming depression. “What was that spell you used back there to make those plants grow in midair?” She took the scabbard from Fluttershy, handing it to Wits End. “I’ve never seen even Twilight use something like that! Where’d you learn that?”

The unicorn perked up. “I think I just learned it when I was fighting Woods- Taxi.”

“Really? How?”

Wits End slid the sword into its sheath, securing the sheath itself with one of his many belts. “I think that’s what that ‘Learning’ ability was. The Mimic class must be able to learn abilities from the creatures they fight.” He winced, feeling the belt tighten on one of his bruises. “Or in my case, the creatures they get beaten up by.”

“You still don’t look so good,” Fluttershy muttered, looking at the bruise forming along Wits End’s side.

“I’ll be fine,” Wits End replied, shaking his head. “I’ve gotten worse wounds from some guys I hang out with.” He frowned as he thought. “I wonder if they got sent back…”

“What’re you talkin’ about?” Pinkie Pie asked, popping up right next to the ruminating unicorn.

Wits End leaned away from the pink pony. “Nothing important. Personal space, please.”

“What’s that?”

“Why am I not surprised…”

Fluttershy fidgeted uncomfortably. “Still, that looks like it has to hurt. I’d like to help patch you up before we get into anymore trouble.”
Wits End shook his head. “I’m telling you, it’s nothing. We should focus on finding someplace to stay the night before it gets da-” He froze, paralyzed by the glare the pegasus was giving him. “Uh, before it… Before…” Fluttershy’s stare intensified. He swallowed hard. “Well, I guess we can take a break to heal first.”

Fluttershy’s eyes softened, and she smiled. “Good boy. I’m glad you came to the right choice on your own.”

Wits End was leaning against Taxi’s side, his trembling legs barely holding him up as he recovered from the Stare. “Yes,” he muttered, wiping the sweat that was pouring down his brow. “So glad.”

Pinkie bounced over to Fluttershy, oblivious to the mint-colored pony’s breakdown. “So whaddaya need, ‘Shy?”

“Lets see…” Fluttershy thought for a moment. “I’ll need some arnica, some parsley, some witch hazel…”

Taxi turned her head, chewing at the base of her shoulder. A moment later, she spat out a wad of the aforementioned ingredients. She tilted her head and made a low, quizzical growl.

“Oh! Thank you, Taxi!” Fluttershy picked up the mass of herbs, placing them in a pocket of her saddlebag. “That’s very kind of you. It’s nice to know that you can grow analgesics for the rest of us.”

Pinkie Pie tilted her head so far her mane nearly brushed her hooves. “An anawhatnow?”

“Analgesic,” Wits End corrected, joining the two mares how that he’d recovered. “Painkillers, basically.” He noticed to surprised look on Fluttershy’s face. “You’d be surprised how much usually useless trivia I have stored in my brain. Do you know what’d happen if you pitched a baseball at near the speed of light?”

Pinkie shook her head, sending her bells a-jingling. “Nope!”

“I do.”

“And?

“Don’t pitch a baseball at near the speed of light.”

Fluttershy coughed. “Um, excuse me?”

Wits End’s head spun around, his attention instantly grabbed by the adorable sound the pegasus’ throat had made. “Yes?”

“Well, I was just thinking it would be nice to have something to help break these down. It would help them to be more effective.”

“What, like a mortar and pestle?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “No, I saw I had one before.”

Pinkie Pie jumped in between them, bouncing excitedly for the upcoming scavenger hunt. “So whaddya need, Fluttershy?”

“It might sound strange, but some scorpion venom would do the trick...”

Wits End jumped backward, holding a hoof up to defend himself. “Woah there! Are you trying to heal me or kill me? The only venom I want near me is the kind that starts with ‘anti’ when I’ve been stung!”

“No no!” Fluttershy waved her hooves franticly. “I can neutralize the dangerous parts of the venom before I give it to you. It would just help it to enter the bloodstream-”

Wits End’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, the blood draining from his face to leave him a more drastic shade of green. “You’re gonna stick venom into my bloodstream!?”

“The venom isn’t going to be venomous when it’s anywhere near you!”

“Hey guys!” Pinkie Pie’s voice called from behind the two screaming ponies.

The two whirled around. “What is it?” they shouted in unison.

Pinkie Pie grinned widely. “I found the scorpion!”

Wits End blinked, looking past the small pink form at the much, much larger black chitinous one behind her. “Oh sugar honey iced tea.”

The giant scorpion raised its claws in the air, hissing loud enough to leave a ringing in the ears of the three ponies. Above them, a familiar voice boomed. “You have re-encountered the Giant Scorpion. Combat has begun.”

“Why did you bring that back?” Wits End shouted as the turn list appeared; his name at the top.

“Fluttershy said she needed scorpion venom!”

Fluttershy shook her head at high speed. “Not one that big!”

“And not one that wants to kill us!” Wits End added.

“You can’t get anywhere arguing over the past,” Pinkie Pie shouted, standing on her back legs with her forelegs crossed. “You’ve gotta keep looking forward to the future! Fight the philosophical giant scorpions that’re keeping you down and do the impossible!”

“This isn’t a philosophical giant scorpion, it’s a real giant scorpion!”

“Just take your turn already!”

“Fine!” Wits End’s horn glowed as he drew his sword, facing the monstrous arthropod. “I attack the giant scorpion!” he shouted, lunging forward with a diagonal blow across one of its legs.

The scorpion let loose a hiss of pain, drawing the wounded leg closer to the rest of its body. The health bar above it ticked down; it wasn’t much, but it was more than was done the last time the group fought it. “Come on,” Wits End growled. “Run away, you poisonous son of a-”

“Invoke Fear failed,” the Discord-alike voice said plainly.

Wits End blinked. “Oh.”

Steam seemed to blow out from either side of the scorpion’s head, glowing faintly red as it glared at the small pony that had hurt it. “Giant Scorpion is now Enraged toward Wits End,” the Discord-alike v oice continued. The scorpion’s name jumped up from the bottom of the list to immediately after Wits End’s name.

Wits End face grew pale as the massive barbed tail reeled back. “Oh my.”

The barb fell in an arc, easily piercing through the unicorn’s cloak. Wits End felt a pain sharper and greater than anything he’d felt from Taxi’s claws shooting through him, along with the sensation of something being injected deep in his body. “Wits End has been badly poisoned,” the Discord-alike stated calmly. “Wits End has been incapacitated.”

Wits End felt all strength flee his body as he toppled over. “Oh this is not good…”

Fluttershy gasped. “Mister End!” she shouted, taking a step toward the prone unicorn.

Wits End’s hoof shot out, as if to hold her back. “Don’t move!” he growled through his clenched teeth. Fluttershy’s name was next on the list, and as the scorpion’s turn ended, hers moved to the top. “I’m fine.” A fresh stab of pain shot through him, and he bit back a gasp, forcing it into a chuckle and a grin to avoid worrying the pegasus any more. “Or I will be, if you two can take this overgrown cockroach down. I’ve got a couple of turns, even with this bugs juices in me. So you two just figure out how to finish this thing, and I’ll-” He blinked, his vision blurring. “I’ll just rest for a bit…”

Fluttershy watched as Wits End’s head sunk to the ground, his chest moving shallowly. “Wh-what do we do?” she asked, looking up at the scorpion. “I-I don’t know how this game works! Mister End’s the one who knows how this game’s played, and he’s…” A loud bang interrupted the pegasus’ panic. The cream-colored mare jumped, turning toward the source.

Small pieces of a burst balloon floated around Pinkie’s head, her mouth set in a confident grin. “Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, Fluttershy! Leave it to your old auntie Pinkie Pie!”

“I’m still a year older than you…”

“Minty Fresh wouldn’t’ve said those things if he didn’t think we could do it, so lets do the thing and win the points!” The earth pony punched the air with a forehoof, mane seeming to crackle with her excitement. “Besides, I’ve got a plan.”

A small part of Fluttershy’s mind was terrified by those four little words, especially since Pinkie Pie was the one saying them. The majority, however, was bolstered and inspired by them, and she nodded, her lips set in a tight line. “So what do I do?”

Pinkie’s grin widened, showing more teeth. “Move over there by its legs and declare a prepared action to hit it if my attack is successful.”

“Oh, I don’t know if I can-”

“DO IT OR MINTY’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND THEN EXPLODE AGAIN!”

Fluttershy squeaked, darting to a point behind the scorpion’s tail. She hovered there, shepherd's crook held in her hooves. “What she said,” she said softly. “Prepared action. Successful attack.”

“And have Taxi move over behind it and do the same thing.” Pinkie waved a hoof towards one side of the scorpion.

“Huh? Can I do that?”

Pinkie nodded, sending her bells ringing. “She’s your animal companion now, after all! She acts on your turn!”

Fluttershy looked over at the Timberwolf, which was eyeing the giant scorpion cautiously. “Um, would you mind doing that, Taxi?”

The massive wooden wolf let out a snort, moving carefully around the scorpion; just out of reach of both claws and tail. It hunched down, readying to strike.

Pinkie’s name moved to the top of the list. “Okie dokie lokie then! This one’s gonna be a doozy, so hold on tight. First of all, I use Lucky Stars!”

A small chime played, and a few pink sparks of light burst around her. “Pinkie Pie’s critical chance has increased,” the Discord-alike’s voice announced.

Fluttershy leaned around a chitinous leg. “What’s tha-”

“Next, I charge and attack the scorpy!” Pinkie dashed in, jumping in a giant arc to strike the scorpion right between the eyes with her back hooves. This time she was much more successful, compared to the first time she had tried. The words “critical hit” flashed above them, accompanied by a fanfare, and the green bar above the scorpion’s head shrank by quite a bit.

“Taxi’s prepared action has been triggered,” the Discord-alike’s voice announced. The Timberwolf lunged forward, slamming its claws into the giant scorpion’s side, bringing the health bar down to less than a third of its former size. “Fluttershy’s prepared action has been triggered.”

“Oh, um…” Fluttershy fidgeted. “Sorry, Mr. Scorpion.” She swung her crook with a soft grunt, bouncing off of the base of the arthropod’s tail. The green bar shrank slightly. Barely more than the thickness of one of the hairs on the pink-maned pony’s heads.

“And to wrap things up,” Pinkie declared, “I’ll use Helping Hooves to hit the monster again!” She reeled a forehood back and slammed it forward, punching the scorpion square in the mandible. Miraculously, the words “critical hit” flashed again, along with the same fanfare. Pinkie jumped back, landing a few yards away. “And that’s how you play the game!” she shouted.

The scorpion let loose a screech as its health bar shrank one last time. Time seemed to slow down as it reached the end. However, the bar stopped with barely a hairs-worth of green left.

Pinkie Pie’s jaw dropped, almost brushing the dirt below. “Are you kidding me?”

Another cloud of steam puffed out of the giant scorpion’s head, and it focused its eyes on the pink pony that had hurt it so much. “Giant Scorpion is now enraged toward Pinkie Pie,” the Discord-alike voice announced, almost smugly as the scorpion took a step toward her.

Fluttershy’s ears perked up as a leg moved past her. “Eeyah!” she squeaked, hooves striking out with her crook again as if by their own control. A soft ‘tink’ seemed to echo around them; all those involved frozen in time for a full second.

The last sliver of health disappeared.

The scorpion hissed one last time, legs contracting violently as it tipped over onto its back. As quickly as it had moved, it stopped, hardening almost immediately. Wisps of glowing light rose from its body, hoving for a moment before shooting into the chests of the ponies.

After a moment of silence, Pinkie Pie’s excitement reached critical mass. “YEAH-HOO!” she shouted, bouncing at top speed around the scorpion’s remains. “We did it! We won! We beat the big dummy loser-pants buggy! Woo-hoo! Wasn’t that awesome!”

Fluttershy nodded, holding a hoof over her pounding heart. “I’m not happy that we had to do that, but Mr. Scorpion would have hurt other ponies if we hadn’t stopped him.”

“That’s great,” a voice groaned from under the scorpion’s tail, “but I’m still kinda dying slightly here.”

“Huh?” Fluttershy paced around the remains, following the voice. “Oh my gosh! Mister End!”
Wits End’s head poked out from under the scorpion’s body, eyes now open but surrounded by dark circles. “Would you kindly get me out from underneath this insect’s butt?”

“Of course! I’m so sorry! Taxi?” Fluttershy looked up at the Timberwolf, now standing behind them. “Would you mind helping out a little bit?” Taxi nodded, taking one of the scorpion’s claws in its jaws and dragging it off of the wounded unicorn.

“Great,” Wits End muttered. “Now I can die free of bug butt. Farewell, my comrades.” He raised a forehoof to his forehead dramatically. “There’s a place a little bit higher than the peak of Canterlot Castle. I’ll… see you there… Guh.” He slumped, sticking his tongue out.

“Oh, you’re not dead, silly!” Pinkie Pie bounced by, wrapping Wits End up in a nearly bone-breaking hug. “Geez, you’re so dramatic. You oughta hang out with Rarity when we find her again! You two’d get together great!”

“Can’t breath,” Wits End croaked. “Possibly actually dying…”

Fluttershy pulled the pink party pony off of him. “Are you alright?”

Wits End groaned, pulling himself up into a sitting position. “Well, I’m still poisoned, but once the encounter was over, I stopped being incapacitated.” He grinned sheepishly at the pegasus. “Guess I don’t have to worry about you sticking venom in me, huh?”

“Oh my!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “We have to get you to a hospital! Where-”

Wits End waved a hoof dismissively. “Don’t worry about that. You’ve got points in Heal, don’t you?”

“What? Um…” Fluttershy closed her eyes for a moment. “Well, yes I do, I guess.”

“Just make a Treat Poison check.”

“Are you sure? Shouldn’t we wait and let a doctor help you?”

The off-mint-colored unicorn narrowed his eyebrows. “Make the Treat Poison check, Fluttershy, or I swear I will die of poisoning right now.”

“I make a Treat Poison check!” Fluttershy said quickly. A few moments later, the color returned to Wits End’s face, the dark circles around his eyes disappearing.

“See?” Wits End said, standing up and shaking out his legs. “Simple as that. No need for doctors or hospitals or-” He stopped. “Hang on. Hang on, wait. Wait, hang on.”

“Are… you alright?” Fluttershy asked.

“You look like you’re gonna barf!” Pinkie Pie chimed in.

“I’m not gonna barf,” Wits End snapped back. “I’m not gonna. I…” He blinked a couple of times. “I’m gonna barf.”

The two mares backed up, giving the unicorn a wide berth. However, instead of vomiting, his horn glowed green. “Poison Sting!” he said in a rush. A large shiny stinger, like that of the scorpion remains behind them, formed in air just in front of his horn, launching forward and embedding itself point-first into the trunk of a nearby tree.

Wits End shook his head, feeling much better. “Woah,” he muttered, watching the stinger dissolve the bark around it like some kind of acid. “That’s a thing.”

“How did you do that?” Fluttershy asked, standing next to Wits End, now that it was safe to do so without fear of splash effects.

“I… think it’s the Learning ability? I think my body internalized that scorpion’s venom, and turned it into magic.” Wits End tapped his chin with the end of a hoof. “This whole thing has a strange combination of game rules.”

“It sure does!” Pinkie Pie agreed, bounding around the two ponies.

“Which reminds me,” Wits End said, grabbing the bouncing mare by the scruff of her neck. “How do you know about stuff like prepared actions and charging?”

Pinkie stuck her tongue out. “I’ve played this game before, silly!”

“What” both Wits End and Fluttershy exclaimed.

“Well, duh! There were a bunch of ponies playing it at one of the parties I threw! I watched them play, and after a while they let me join in! Then I borrowed an old copy from Twilight’s library and read through it, and I found some other supplements that I donated to the library when I was done reading them. The Jester and Mimic are in the ‘Otherworlds and Oddities’ expansion, by the way. I’m surprised you didn’t know about them, Minty Fresh, what with you being the big fancy master of this whole thing.”

Wits End’s mind was spinning as he tried to process the wave of information that had washed over him. “Wait. So, you know how to play Dun- Caverns and Cutie Marks?”

Pinkie nodded. “Better than you do, apparently, you big goof! Now come on! I wanna fight more stuff!”

“ Hold on,” Fluttershy cut in. “We’re not getting into anymore fights until everyone’s all healthy again. Cured of poison or not, Mister End is still hurt from getting beaten up so much.”

“Thanks for the confidence boost,” Wits End muttered.

“Now,” Fluttershy continued regardless, “Taxi’s told me that there’s a village not that far away where we can get some help. We’re gonna go there and rest, and then we’re gonna find our friends.” She shot a surprisingly cold look at the two other ponies. “No arguments.”

Wits End and Pinkie Pie looked at each other. After a moment, Pinkie shrugged. “Well,” Wits End said, looking back at the pegasus, “those bandits did mention a village while we were there. At the very least, we can let them know something’s up.” He waved a hoof at the Timberwolf. “Lead the way, Taxi.”

Taxi looked at the three ponies and let out a small bark. “Oh, we don’t have to walk,” Fluttershy explained. “Taxi can carry us there in no time.”

“What?” Before he could react, the wooden wolf had caught the three ponies gently in its jaws, depositing them on its back.

“Taxi says to hang on to something,” Fluttershy said nonchalantly, taking hold of a handle-like root.

Pinkie strapped a vine across her lap, bouncing excitedly. “This is gonna be fun!”

Wits End shook his head. “I didn’t think her name would be litera-AAAAAAAAAAUH!”

Author's Note

Author(s): Wits End

Chapter 14: Once Split, Now Kind of Whole

“Hold this rope, an’ keep the weight from falling,” Applejack mumbled through the rope in her mouth. Light Patch quickly took hold of the rope. The pegasus, lacking anything active to do, found himself thinking of the plan. They were working on a side of Roads Crossed that faced the forest; it was going to be the lightest trapped in an effort to help guide the flow of bandits.

“Excuse me but, Light Patch, could you hold this rope taut?” Rarity asked, holding the end of a rope with her magic. The aforementioned stallion made to answer, but remembered the rope in his mouth, and simply nodded. With a happy hum, Rarity tied the rope around his barrel and went back to work.

With nothing better to do, other than play toolbox assistant to the two mares, Light Patch’s mind naturally wandered, followed shortly by his gaze turning to look at the forest. He was thinking of the upcoming fight, and was a little worried. I’ve never been in a fight before, well actually that isn’t true. Well actually I have been in a couple, he nodded to himself, too deep in thought to notice another rope being tied to him. Though that was all fencing practice, he added mentally, the upcoming fight was going to be real and not as nice as those ones. He sighed, at least as a healer I shouldn’t be expected to do a whole lot of heavy hitting. I’ll be the best supporting character they’ve ever seen, he finished, nodding to himself a more confident look on his face.

His focus was dragged out of his thoughts when AJ spoke up. “Alright Light Patch, Ah’ve got this tied off. You can let go of the rope in your mouth.” He let go and looked back at the forest again. Just in time, actually, to notice a large Timberwolf burst from the forest. He was about to speak up until another small thing took his notice. A closer look showed that there seemed to be something clinging to its back.

“Woah there, wolfy!” a high-pitched voice shouted from the back of the Timberwolf. The wooden wolf slid to a stop, sending up a spray of twigs and pine needles before kneeling down a little ways away from the construction. A small, pink pony shape jumped down, bouncing around the wolf as two other colored shapes climbed down; one mint-green and the other a pastel yellow. “Look over there!” the pink pony shouted, waving her hooves excitedly. “That must be the village! Hello, villagers!”

The three ponies on the edge of the village looked at each other. Rarity was the first able to summon words from the depths they hid. “I dare say, that voice sounds familiar. Doesn’t it, Applejack?”

Applejack nodded, “An’ Ah’d dare say, Ah know of only one pony who could get a Timberwolf to let ponies ride it like that. ‘Specially one of that size.” She glanced at Rarity before the two took off, not noticing that Light Patch failed to follow.

The two mares covered the distance quickly, slowing to a stop a few feet short of their friends. Before either mare could say a thing, their pink friend suddenly gasped and, with a shout of glee, ran over and grabbed them both in a tight hug.

“I can’t believe you girls are here!” Pinkie Pie squealed, hooves wrapped tightly around their necks. “I mean, we were all together, and then we got split up, and then me and Fluttershy- Fluttershy! AJ and Rarity are here!”

“Oh,” Fluttershy cooed, “I’m so glad you two are-”

“And then we met up with Minty Fresh, and we fought a giant bug and had to run away, and we were captured by bandits, and Minty got beat up by Taxi who was a bad guy but wasn’t really a bad guy, and we escaped, and had to fight the giant bug again, and Minty almost died, and I was all super awesome cool, and then Taxi brought us here, and Minty was screaming the whole time, and-”

Wits End tapped Pinkie on the shoulder. “Pinkie Pie, I don’t think they can breath.”

“What? They’re fine! Rarity’s always talking about how she looks good in blue!”

With the ease of an action practiced for years the two mares slipped from Pinkie’s grasp and took a few deep breaths their regular colors taking hold once again. “Land sakes Pinkie, I have to wonder if you even know your own strength at times.” AJ rasped after a few breaths.

As Applejack continued to focus on breathing Rarity looked at the stallion with her friends, “So… Minty Fresh was it? It’s very nice to meet you.”

“It’s not-” Wits End sighed, rubbing his forehead just under his horn. “It’s Wits End, not Minty Fresh. Pinkie’s taken to calling me that for some strange reason.” He thought for a moment before realizing that a pony meeting another pony for the first time should question who the other pony is. “So, uh, you’re friends of Pinkie’s and Fluttershy’s?”

“That’s right.” Applejack said, stepping forward and adjusting her hat. “Mah names Applejack, an’ I, along with my brother, run Sweet Apple Acres,” she finished proudly.

“My name is Rarity, the top, and only, fashionista from Ponyville,” Rarity said next. “And this is a friend of ours, named Light Patch,” she paused to motion to the stallion before noticing that he was, in fact, not there. “Um, Applejack? We appear to have lost Light Patch.” The two looked around before noticing the stallion back at the edge of the town. “What’s he doing back there, I wonder.”

“He might still be working on traps. We did kind’a leave in the middle of that, Rarity. Perhaps we should get back and work while we catch up?” AJ said, looking at Rarity before turning to her friends and the new stallion. “Follow us back to the town, but watch your step. There’re a lot of traps right now,” she said before starting back towards the town.

Pinkie bounced after the farmpony and fashionista, rambling excitedly about the supposed “surprise party” they were setting up. Wits End looked back at Fluttershy and Taxi. “If Taxi’s gonna search for her pack, it’s best she leaves now. Once the bandits attack, there’s no knowing what’ll happen.”

Fluttershy nodded, looking up at the Timberwolf. “He’s right, Taxi. You should get going before any trouble starts.” The wooden wolf snorted, rubbing its muzzle against the yellow pegasus. “I know,” Fluttershy said softly, rubbing its snout. “And I’ll miss you too, but we’ll be just fine. I promise. Go on, find your family.”
After a moment, the Timberwolf backed away, sniffing the air. It let out a low howl, and bounded off into the forest. Fluttershy nodded, watching until it was completely out of sight, and then followed the pony hoofprints toward the town.

Wits End followed behind, adjusting his belts via magic to avoid putting pressure on his bruises. “I sure hope the local healers take credit,” he muttered, shifting his sword to his back as the two groups met up. Looking up at the construction, he tilted his head, trying to decipher its purpose. “What in the name of Equivalent Exchange is this contraption?”

“Light Patch, why didn’t you follow us out to meet our- Oh.” Rarity trailed off looking at the stallion before her.

“I’d have loved to Rarity but I was a little tied up at the time,” the stallion said, ropes tied around his barrel and legs trailing off to several areas.

With a blush and a couple more apologies, Rarity quickly used her magic to release the stallion from his brief captivity. The stallion glanced at the new members of the group, he didn’t spend a whole lot of time looking at Pinkie and Fluttershy, being familiar with them. But when he glanced at the stallion, it was just a second, but he could have sworn he saw a flash of something he recognized. It was then what the stallion had actually said clicked in his mind, but he had to make sure. After a few seconds, a plan formed. Light Patch suddenly jumped forward, eliciting a squeak of surprise from Fluttershy, and struck a pose before shouting out, “THIS TRAP DESIGN HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE LEGSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!” He paused for a quick flexing of his legs before turning to look at Wits End and adding, “Sparkle, sparkle.” Light Patch grinned like an idiot, while the mares looked at him like he’d grown an extra head.

Wits End blinked, processing the event that had just occurred. “Wha-” Something clicked, and his eyes widened. Somewhere between the verbal sparkling and the hodge-podge armor, he recognized the strangely dramatic pegasus. “Light Patch?” he asked; not what he was trying to say, but the intent was there.

Light Patch looked at the mint green unicorn, his grin only seeming to grow when his name was said. And again, that flash; this time long enough to know for sure. “Buddy!” he shouted, jumping forward before reflexively holding up his hoof for a hoof bump. “I was afraid it’d take a long longer before we managed to run into each other again. If ever,” he finished.

“What’re you doing here?” Wits End asked, returning the hoof bump. He raised an eyebrow. “Are you some sort of merchant in this village or something?”

“No, I was found by Applejack and Rarity, and they helped me after uh… I got nailed by my hammer when it followed my fall from the sky.” The pegasus turned to look at the mares, who were still caught up in their own little group chat. “I figured my best bet was to travel with them, elements of harmony and all that.” Light Patch said, waggling his hoof in a dismissive way. “I figured the quicker they dealt with Discord, the quicker my...uh, actually, I guess I should say, our problems would be handled. And for the record, I’m a Cleric actually.”

“A cleric, you say?” Wits End moved his cloak, revealing the bruise running along his side. “I met the wrong end of a giant scorpion earlier. Think you help me not die a bit?”

Light Patch’s smile fell off his face like a hammer from the sky. “Oh geez, I can heal the damage but I don’t know if I can stop any poison effects if it stung you.” He continued looking at the bruise for a hole from a stinger. “All I’ve got at the moment is a simple healing spell.”

“No no no!” Wits End waved a hoof. “I’m good. I turned the poison into a thing and melted a tree.” He froze for a moment. “That probably needs clarification at some point.”

“Yeah, probably, in any case, be Healed!” Light Patch shouted, startling Fluttershy again, just before giving his friend a light punch on the nearest shoulder while casting the spell as well. The pegasus’ ears twitched as his friends words sifted through his mind. “Wait, you turned an enemy’s attack into an attack of your own? Like a blue mage?” Before he could start complaining, Pinkie suddenly gasped, jumped into the air and shouted as she pointed.

“Ponies ahoy!” The whole group turned to look at where Pinkie Pie was pointing. A trio of ponies had emerged from the forest, and were making their way towards the village. The six ponies all recognized the two flying ponies almost instantly.

“Dashie! Twily!” Pinkie Pie bounce-tackle hugged the two mares, sailing over the head of the earth pony in the process. “I can’t believe you guys are here! I-”

“Um, Pinkie Pie?” Fluttershy flapped over, gently pulling the pink mare off. “You said all that before. Maybe let the others greet them?”

Purple Heart cocked his head to one side as he watched the reuniting friends. He recognized them sure enough. It wasn’t exactly hard. But the multicolored unicorn and the grey pegasus were strangers to him. The purple earth pony trotted forward, ignoring the looks he got from the mares as he stood before the two strange ponies.

Light Patch had been doing a little mental calculation and statistical analysis as the new stallion had approached. He himself had been with two elements of harmony, his friend Wits End was with another two and this strange stallion was with the final two elements. Now, Discord wasn’t one to stick with patterns, but if it meant more chaos he might make an exception. There was only one way to find out.

“Hoy there travelers,” he said to the new group of ponies, “Did ya’ll spot any freshwater space whales on your travels?” Rainbow Dash and Twilight shared a puzzled look before they both turned their gazes to Purple Heart. The purple earth pony blinked at the grey pegasus, confusion apparent on his face for a short second before recognition made him crack a smile.

“My apologies,” he replied. “We saw no such beasts during our adventures. We did however find a heardable bloat or two along the way.”

Light Patch smiled and opened his mouth to say something before he froze. His face turned to a serious expression as he glanced at his two ponified friends. He squeezed his eyes shut as he knew he’d pay for it, but the moment was just too good. With a goofy grin quickly seizing his face he finally spoke. “It’s good to have my friends back. So good in fact, I think I feel a song coming on.” Rarity and Applejack grimaced, already familiar with his singing. Unlike Pinkie Pie, he wasn’t all that good. “Oh, reunited and it feels so good~” he began.

A flash of annoyance instantly crossed Wits End’s face the moment the pegasus started singing. At the same time, Purple Heart’s face went blank. In unison, the two ponies trotted forward, raised forehooves, and slapped their merry companion upside the back of the head, much to the surprise of the Mane Six. While the grey pegasus was rubbing the back of his head muttering ‘worth it’ over and over, Wits End glanced at the purple pony, the same spark that had identified Light Patch coming into play. “Hang on. Purple Heart?” Purple Heart cocked his head to one side, a frown furrowing his brow before another smile cracked his face.

“Jes, Monsieur Ponce?” he asked cheekily.

Wits End grinned, a combination of happiness and relief washing over him. “Purple Heart!” Purple Heart’s smile faltered for a split second.

“Jes?” he repeated, less cheeky this time. Something was coming, he just knew it. He just didn’t know what….

A small twitch began spasming in the corner of the mint-colored unicorn’s eye; memories of his larger companion’s last words before they were separated returning. “Purple Heart,” he growled, baring a surprising number of teeth for his size. Purple Heart blanched, backing slowly away from his smallest compatriot. He was now certain that something was going to happen. The rest of the Mane Six knew this as well. But unlike Purple Heart, they didn’t know of what nature the action was. Light Patch was still on the ground, trying to convince himself the song was worth the price in pain he had paid for it.

With a wordless howl, Wits End lunged at Purple Heart’s neck, feathered cap and cape billowing wildly as he wrapped his hooves around the larger pony’s throat in an attempt to strangle him. Purple Heart’s eyes bulged in surprise as he tried to gently push the mint-colored pony away from him, but with little success. While he was trying not to hurt his small friend, his compatriot was vastly more aggressive in his actions, thus making him much like a rabid squirrel. The irony was almost amusing, but it was difficult to enjoy while trying to protect his neck from a very irate unicorn.

The Mane Six froze at the sight of what had appeared to be close friends, and now seemed to be worst enemies, fighting with tooth and hoof. Light Patch glanced up upon hearing the noise and reacted swiftly; he moved in and began trying to separate the two. After a few seconds, he managed wedge his hoofs between them enough he could leverage the unicorn away. After that came the hard part though: keeping the enraged unicorn from getting back to his prey. The pegasus used his gear and own body weight to pin the unicorn down. Purple Heart heaved an exasperated sigh, trying to achieve breathing capability.

“Whadacarp is your problem?!” he rasped. “I-”

“Lemme at’m!” Wits End shouted, struggling fruitlessly against the pegasus. “It’s his fault this whole thing got started! Him and his,” his voice took on a mocking depth, “‘Oh, send us to where we belong’!” He returned to his normal tone, pointing an accusing hoof at the purple pony. “Didn’t you learn anything from watching cartoons? You don’t give a genie any leeway when you give them an order! All we had to do was make it clear we were having no part of Discord’s shenanigans, and we’d be home right now! I- Gah!” It was like his ranting had collided with itself in a rush to escape, and dissolved into incoherent babbling punctuated by the occasional spasming hoof. The Mane Six all turned to look at the panting Purple Heart, waiting for his argument. It was Light Patch who spoke up first though.

“Listen to me, Wits End. You and I both know that Discord was gonna do this no matter what we said. He didn’t ever seem to have that much of a listening streak, so why would he have listened to us?” the grey pegasus began. “So-”

“‘My fault’ my arse!” Purple Heart bellowed, his deep voice sending shivers down the spines of the Mane Six. “For one, I don’t sound like that! Too pitchy, not enough grunt! Two, Light Patch is right! Discord would’ve found a loophole regardless of what we said! And three, could you try killing me after we save this town? I mean, none of our scenarios go beyond three meets. Why should this one be any different?” His chest heaving rapidly from his counter-rant, Purple Heart glared at where his friend was being squished under Light Patch.

Wits End glared back. “Of course it didn’t sound like you! I was doing caricature, not an impression. Secondly, you are completely correct and I will ceed that point to you fully and completely! And finally!” The unicorn coughed, tilting his head to one side and holding a hoof over his nose. “If I promise not to kill you until after the town is safe, will you get him off of me? He smells like dirt. And bees.” Purple Heart twisted his muzzle into a tight smile as he stepped forward to help his friend only to stop when Light Patch snapped at them.

“LIES UND SLANDER!” Light Patch suddenly shouted “I shall not stand for this!” Purple Heart opened his mouth to retort but hesitated, as he looked expectantly at the compressed unicorn.

As if by clockwork, Wits End responded. “Then sit down!” he snapped. A split second later, his eyes widened. “No, wai-” Purple Heart chuckled at his friend’s misfortune as Light Patch obliged the mint-colored pony’s request.

“A bit boney not really comfortable need to get more meat on your bones. One out of five stars, would not sit on again.” Light Patch finished, adding a slight hint of snob to his voice before giving a shout of surprise as he was shoved off the unicorn.

“Get off of me, you clod!” Wits End grumbled, shoving the grey pegasus’ hindquarters. After Light Patch was lying face first on the ground beside him, the mint unicorn whirled around to glare at Purple Heart. The purple earth pony was gasping for breath on his back from laughing so hard. Breathing was becoming very hard for the earth pony as he wheezed. Purple Heart inhaled deeply, trying to reacquire some air but was prohibited by a sudden hiccup that was followed by a shrill squeaking burp. The Mane Six just stared at the situation before them. Never before had they witnessed such strange behavior, not even within their own group.

Twilight took a few hesitant steps toward the three stallions, an expression of worry for their safety and sanity on her face. “Are… you three alright?” she asked, head tilted slightly.

“Quite alright,” Wits End said, brushing off his cape; all signs of anger seemingly forgotten.

“Because you looked like you were trying to kill your friend there…”

“Perfectly normal. Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s all in good fun,” Purple Heart said, coming to stand beside the mint unicorn. “Sometimes...”

“It’s just the regularly scheduled randomness really,” Light Patch added sliding between his two friends and hooking his front legs around their necks. The trio completely missed the look of horror Twilight threw them.

“What kind of friends are you?” she asked incredulously.

“The best kind?” Wits End said as both he and Purple Heart shrugged free of Light Patch’s hold, causing him to fall face first into the ground. He picked a blade of grass off the end of his cap’s feather. “You’re the princess of friendship, right? It’s not all tea parties and shopping trips, after all.” He thought for a moment. “Well, some of it is tea parties. But not all of it.”
“You know it’s a good thing I’m only a minor germaphobe, or the amount of time my face was spending getting acquainted with the ground would be quite distressing.” Light Patch muttered. Purple Heart frowned and looked over Light Patch at his unicorn friend.

“One, what shopping trips?” he asked. “Two, why the cape? You know what happens to ponies with capes. Remember Thunder Head?”

Wits End rolled his eyes. “Blame Discord. Besides, I think it looks quite dashing.” He swept the cape around dramatically, holding it up over the lower half of his face. “I am the night,” he growled. Purple Heart snorted.

“Yeah, sure,” he grunted. “See how that works for you, Batpony. That cape is gonna bite you in the butt sometime. Discord will make sure of it.”

“That’s the other thing,” Twilight cut in, before the trio could get lost in their own world of in-jokes. She pointed an accusing hoof at the three stallions in turn, eyes narrowed in suspicion. “How do you know Discord? Are you spies?!”

Fluttershy took a few hesitant steps to stand slightly behind the purple princess pony. “Uh, Twilight? I… don’t think you need to worry about them being, um, dangerous or anything like that. I mean, Wits End was helping us when me and Pinkie Pie were separated from you all.” She hesitated for a second. “Oh, sorry if I interrupted your interrogation or anything. Sorry.”

Rarity moved next to Fluttershy. “They may be uncouth, barbaric, a little rude, and perhaps slightly stinky as well...” she began.

“Wow, you shameless flatterer,” Light Patch deadpanned from his prone position.

“Told you,” Wits End muttered. “Dirt and bees.”

“Uncouth?” Purple Heart growled. “Barbaric? Rude? Fair enough. But stink...that’s 100% genuine colt musk.”

“Oh shush, I’m trying to defend you,” Rarity shot back at the stallions, “but they seem to be as close of friends as we are, and while perhaps a little disturbing at times,” Rarity shuddered slightly as she remembered a couple of the evil looking grins Light Patch had worn during their time together, “they seem nice enough, and genuinely interested in helping us.” Rainbow Dash floated forward.

“Did you forget how much help Purple Heart gave us during those fights?” she pointed out. “We probably wouldn’t be here if not for him.” Twilight rounded on the blue pegasus.

“And how do you suppose he knew all that stuff if he wasn’t a spy who knew the rules already?” she snapped. Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to respond but hesitated.

“Uh...” she mumbled. Twilight nodded.

“See?”

“Objection!” Wits End stomped a hoof on the ground dramatically. “The prosecution is ignoring one vital piece of evidence!”

“A boot to the head?” Purple Heart asked cheekily.

Wits End shot a glare at the purple earth pony. “No, smartalec. We all have prior experience in a similar situation to this one. The game rules that Discord is running under,” he turned back to Twilight, “whom we’ve been just as much victims of, are nearly identical to those of a game that the three of us are familiar with.” He sat down next to Light Patch, crossing his forelegs over his chest. “The defence rests.”

Twilight’s mouth formed a thin line as she thought, unused to having her speculations countered so quickly after being formulated. “But what if you’re all secretly working for Discord, and that’s where you got your information from?”

Purple Heart barked a laugh that startled the Mane Six. “I don’t think Wits End would let us work with somepony like Discord. Even if he is a spectacular villain.”

“I’d also like to remind you,” Wits End retorted, “that I’ve been beaten up far too much by random encounters in the last twenty-four hours to hold any loyalty to that… guy.” He pointed at his side. “I almost died by giant bug!”

“No you didn’t!” Pinkie Pie called from behind the remaining Mane Six.

“I’m being dramatic for effect!” Wits End called back.

Applejack turned to look at Twilight. “And Light Patch there got that dent in his helmet when his own hammer fell from the sky and critically hit him. Or something like that...” She trailed off at the end after hearing Light Patch’s groan of displeasure. The grey pegasus covered up his face in embarrassment, having hoped in vain to keep that little event from the rest.

Wits End looked down at Light Patch, eyebrows raising as a grin began to spread over his face. “You crit’d yourself?”

“No, I did not.” Light Patch said self-consciously.

“He crit’d himself,” Purple Heart confirmed..

“No! It was Discord. My hammer wasn’t there until Applejack asked where it was then it fell from the sky, and crit’d me,” he finished with a huff. “So it’s totally Discord’s fault.” The pegasus laid back down, his wings lightly buzzing in annoyance. Rarity hid her grin at the sound, resisting the urge to point out its similarity to the buzz of a bee.

“Sure, sure,” Wits End chuckled. “Anyway, you’d expect a boss to take better care of his minions, don’t you think?”

Twilight looked between the three stallions and her friends. “But what if-”

“Lemme ask you this,” Wits End interrupted, hoping to stop the purple princess before her paranoia. “What’s your proof that we are spies, hmm? A good theory always has a tangible event to spark it.”

Twilight’s mouth worked silently. “W-well,” she stuttered. “I- You guys- Discord-”

“Twilight,” Fluttershy said softly, putting a gentle hoof on her shoulder. “Maybe you’re overthinking this a bit? Discord did say he set up this game for us to have fun. Maybe he’s also trying to repay us for all the friendship lessons by giving one of his own?”

“I... I...” Twilight sighed, her shoulders hunched. “Fine, I suppose that’s possible.” She looked at the stallions. “Sorry about that.”

“Eh, you're just looking out for your friends. I get it.” Light Patch said, sitting up. Suddenly, a note of surprise flashed across his face. “I just remembered. Weren’t we up to something before this little reunion got started?”

“Oh, thats right! I almost forgot. We were helping the villagers set up traps around the town,” Rarity said, looking at the spiders web of loose rope around the road. “I was a little worried about our chances. But with all of us together again, well, things seem a little less grim. Perhaps I should take you all to the town guards’ barracks so you can figure out where you’ll be able to help the most?” Applejack nodded in agreement. “Very well then. Follow along dears, and do watch your step,” Rarity said, turning to lead her friends, new and old, into town.

“Ooh! A barracks!” Pinkie Pie squealed, following Rarity into the village. “Is it a big barracks? Oh! I can hold a big barracks bash! With berry barracks bites and banana barracks bread!” After a moment, she stopped next to Rarity, leaning in conspiratorially. “Hey, what’s a barracks anyway?”
Applejack turned back to what she had been working on at the start of this whole event. “Hey, Light Patch! Can you come over here and help me with this?” she asked over her shoulder to the grey pegasus.

"Of course I can help citizen, for I am, The Tool." Light Patch said, suddenly using a brash tone of voice.
Applejack rolled her eyes. Honestly, she thought to herself, that stallion was almost as bad as Pinkie. "Well then, Mr. The Tool, git over here and hold this while I tie it off.”

Twilight lingered behind for a moment as the rest of the ponies started moving. Fluttershy tilted her head, looking back at the purple alicorn. “Twilight? Are you alright?”

“Hmm?” Twilight looked up from her reverie. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine.” She followed behind, her eyes narrowed and locked on the back of Wits End’s head. “Suspiciously fine,” she muttered.

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Wits End, Purple Heart

Chapter 15: Bandits do a Thing

“So let me see if I’ve got this straight,” Wits End said, seated on one of the benches in the rather spartan barracks. The three parties had just finished explaining what they had been doing up to their reunion in turns. “We’ve got a village full of mostly untrained civvies, and a horde of assorted flavors of bandit. The bandits have got a hold of magical weaponry beyond what we have at our disposal, from some shadowy ponies we can’t identify. And the nine of us are suppose to pull a Seven Samurai and protect the village from whatever it is the bandits wanna do with it?”

“Eeyup,” Purple Heart confirmed, bobbing his head. “Without dying preferably.” Twilight and Rainbow Dash threw the purple stallion irritated looks before turning to look at Light Patch as the grey pegasus spoke up.

“Well that kind of went without saying, not that it stopped you.” Light Patch said with a wry smile. “Also don’t forget, we’ve set up so many traps in some areas. You can’t barely even walk, let alone fly.”

Wits End glanced around the room, his eyes alighting on a map of the town. With a tug of his magic, he unseated the map from the wall and draped it across one of the tables. “Well, if we’re gonna get through this, we’re gonna need a plan.” He tapped the map with one hoof, pointing out the circles of red ink scattered about. “We’re gonna need to station some ponies nearby for clean-up.”

Twilight sat on the bench across from the mint-colored unicorn, raising an eyebrow. “What’d you need that for? If there’re all of those traps, we can focus our efforts elsewhere.”

“Traps are great, but unless you’re working with Kobolds, they only fire once. We need a couple of ponies to capture the trapped bandits and reset the traps whenever we have the chance.” Wits End glanced up at a member of the town guard; a young earth pony whose helmet was at least one size too big. “If you could get me a list of any trappers or rangers in town, we can distribute them in the buildings around the outer edge.” The guard snapped a sloppy salute and galloped out the door, helmet bouncing wildly.

“So,” Purple Heart coughed. “What kind of setup do you wanna use? Shield wall? Squads? Or just waiting for them to get close enough to see the whites of their eyes?”

Wits End looked over the map, rubbing his chin with the back of a hoof. “We’ll want to funnel them down as much as possible. We can’t protect everywhere...” Eventually, he pointed at the large courtyard in the center of town. The main routes into the town led into three sizable entrances. “We’ll focus our efforts here. If we position our ranged troops in this building in the center, they can provide covering fire for the melee units on the ground.”

“It will also limit their ability to use their numbers advantage.” Light Patch noted. “It would be nice if we could sneak in some attacks on bandits attempting to funnel in. But any ideas I’ve got strike me as not worth it. Too much risk, not enough reward.” He finished, looking at the paths and the buildings along side of them.

“I hope this doesn’t turn into ‘Wits End’s Strategy Game Hour’,” Purple Heart muttered to himself. Several of the Mane Six gave the purple stallion confused looks as he stepped forward to consider the map.

“Do we have any idea when the bandits will attack?” he asked, looking at Light Patch.

“Well no, nothing solid anyway. Just rumors. You were the one who found a patrol of theirs. And he’s the one who ‘infiltrated’ their camp,” the pegasus finished with a nod towards Wits End. “You’d be the ones with better intel.”

“All we know is that the bandits are coming,” Wits End responded while Purple Heart nodded in agreement. He frowned, wracking his brain for more information. “If we could pin down how long we have, we’d be able to set things up better in our favor.” He looked up at the assembled ponies. “I don’t suppose any of you would be up for a scouting mission?” The ponies all exchanged glances, waiting for somepony to speak up. Purple Heart rolled his eyes and stepped forward.

“I’d be up for scooting,” he said. “S’long as I have somepony to watch my sorry arse. Specifically somepony who can fly.” He glanced at the three winged ponies in the barracks. Twilight shifted from hoof to hoof, less than pleased that the purple stallion at made the request. Rainbow Dash shrugged but nodded in acceptance.

“It’d be a good idea to have a healer in the scouting party, let them keep moving at top speed longer,” Light Patch chimed in. “Unless you need me elsewhere, I’d go.”

“We’re not planning an expedition beyond the wall,” Wits End said plainly. “You’re just going out, find where the bandits are coming from and approximately how many there are. No surprise attacks, no kidnappings, and no disintegrations.”

“We’re going on a scouting mission, into a forest. And thats the thing you bring up? If I get eaten by a titan, I just want you to know it’s you’re fault,” Light Patch said, glaring into his friends eyes.

Wits End grinned. “Consider it incentive to come back in one piece.” Purple Heart rolled his eyes at his comrade’s antics.

“We’ll be going then,” he said, making his way to the door. “Light Patch and Rainbow, if you don’t mind.” The two ponies moved to follow Purple Heart but were stopped.

“Hang on,” Twilight interrupted. “If the village could be attacked at any moment, do you think it’s a bad idea to have the one pony who can heal us away?”

Wits End shook his head. “If the state of the camp Fluttershy, Pinkie, and I were in is anything to go by, we’ve got at least a day before we need to really worry.”

“And it’s also only a scouting trip, if we see their army advancing we’ve got the speed,” Light Patch nodded to Rainbow Dash, “to keep ahead of them and get back before they do,” the grey pegasus threw in.

Twilight’s head sunk slightly. She glanced out the window, where Fluttershy and Rarity were conversing with some of the more panicked ponies. A pink blur in the background was proof of Pinkie Pie helping Applejack to gather up the colts and fillies of the village, taking them to one of the larger basements for safety. Suspicions or not, she thought, I can’t very well question every suggestion of the ponies who know better all the time. She looked over the volunteer scouts. Purple Heart and Rainbow Dash could take care of themselves, she knew that; and Light Patch seemed like he could too. “Fine,” she said after a moment. “What do you need me to do, then?”

Wits End gestured toward her wings and horn. “I need your princessly help to rouse the spirits of the masses. It wouldn’t do to have the citizenry panicking in our time of need.” He levitated the map back onto its pegs on the wall. “I’ll be going with you. Talking to everypony will help me get an idea of anypony with unique skills we can use.” He was silent for a moment. “Huh. Pony pony pony. Interesting. Doesn’t even seem like a word anymore.” Purple Heart chuckled deep in his throat as he stepped out of the barracks, Light Patch and Rainbow Dash close behind him.

Twilight stepped out into the midday sun, Wits End a few steps behind. “You wouldn’t happen to have any ulterior motives for having the two of us work together, would you?” she asked, looking over her shoulder suspiciously.

Wits End checked to make sure his friends were out of earshot. He leaned in conspiratorially and whispered in her ear. “Can you keep a secret?”

A cold chill ran down Twilight’s spine. “Yes?” she whispered back, leaning in quite close.

Wits End’s mouth was close enough for the purple princess to feel the warmth of his breath. “The truth is…” Wits End was interrupted by a booming roar of pain that brought the meandering citizens of Roads Crossed to a shocked halt. Wits End turned around at the sound of pounding hooves to see Purple Heart skidding to a stop before him, Light Patch and Rainbow Dash close behind him.

“That came from the forest,” Purple Heart panted. “We’re going to check it out.”

“It sounded hurt, but it couldn’t have been a trap, at least not a town’s pony trap. The plan was to leave the forest alone and only trap the town.” Light Patch mumbled, looking in the direction the pained roar had come from, face furrowed in thought.

The purple earth pony turned his gaze to Twilight. “Could you link us all up please?” he asked politely.

“Wait, link? Linking? What? Should I start screaming about not being bound now?” Light Patch asked glancing between the two purple ponies. He got the distinct feeling he was being ignored, however.

Twilight’s head jerked toward Purple Heart, her mane smacking Wits End in the face. “Sure thing,” she said quickly, focusing her mind on connecting the minds of the three scouting ponies to her own. “There,” she thought at the group. “You should be all hooked up!”

“Danke,” Purple Heart replied, twisting around to gallop towards the north-eastern entrance to the town, Rainbow Dash keeping pace easily in the air. Light Patch however was struggling not just keeping up speed wise, but also trying to not completely freak out at the sudden voices in his head.

Twilight turned back to Wits End, who was trying to spit out a purple hair that had gotten caught in his mouth. “What were you going to say?”

After a moment of frustrated tongue antics, Wits End grabbed the end of the hair in both hooves, pulling it out. “Pleh.” He shook his head and blinked. “Too late, the moment’s passed. Let’s just get to work.”

“...Okay?” Twilight led the way, eyebrows furrowed as she tried to imagine what the unicorn had been about to say. Was it a word of advice? A potential threat? Or...

* * *

“What do you think it is?” Rainbow Dash whispered, turning to look at Purple Heart. The scouting trio had hidden themselves in the underbrush near the edge of the forest where the clearing met the trees. Running to their right was a dirt path that Light Patch had confirmed should be free of traps.

“Something big,” Purple Heart replied, his voice equally soft. “Something very big.”

“Why are we whispering?” Light Patch asked. Rainbow Dash edged away a little as she watched Purple Heart turn slowly to face his friend.

“The reson we’re whispering,” he hissed. “Is beacuase I’d rather not tell whatever’s got its pants in a knot that we’re here.” Rainbow Dash blinked at how Purple Heart’s speech became flawed for a few words. He certainly is strange…

“I meant why don’t we think talk instead of whispering,” Light Patch responded with.

“Can you see anything?” Purple Heart asked, turning to look at Rainbow Dash as he ignored Light Patch. The blue pegasus started in surprise before turning to look down the dirt path. Narrowing her eyes, Rainbow Dash scrutinized the dirt path. Suddenly, her eyesight dimmed and became tinged with a variety of colors. Blues, greens, reds, yellows, but the dominating color was a bright red about 30 yards down the path hidden behind some foliage. Rainbow gasped, watching as the bright red spot moved. The blue pegasus was jerked from her colorful vision when the sound of tearing metal sent birds skyward.

“Oh carp,” Light Patch whispered.

“What?” Rainbow Dash asked, turning to consider the grey pegasus.

“Soviet War Bear,” Light Patch replied, pointing. Purple Heart and Rainbow Dash looked up to follow where Light Patch’s hoof was pointing. They all gulped. A bear of absurd proportions lumbered into view about 25 yards down the dirt path.

“Yeah,” Purple Heart agreed. “That’s definitely a Soviet War Bear.” The scouting trio sat there in the underbrush in utter silent for a solid 20 seconds as they watched the behemoth of a creature meander slowly down the path, growing ever closer.

“Now-” Rainbow Dash began only to have her mouth covered by Purple Heart’s hoof.

“No talking. Just use the link.” Rainbow Dash clamped her mouth shut and nodded.

“What do we do then?” she asked. Purple Heart turned around, considering how to get the three of them out of the situation without major injury. They still had to protect the village from the imminent bandit attack.

“I guess we just attack it,” Purple Heart said finally. “It shouldn’t be too much of a hassle to deal with.” Light Patch turned and glared at his purple friend.

“I hope you realize what you’ve just said can never be taken back,” the grey pegasus deadpanned. Purple Heart frowned as he stepped onto the path and began galloping towards the bear.

“What do you me-” The purple earth pony wasn’t able to finish his sentence as he was jerked up into the trees be a rope. A curse left the purple pony’s mouth as he swung suspended from what looked like a trap a good 10 yards down the path. Light Patch groaned, making Rainbow Dash look at the grey pegasus in puzzlement.

“Famous last words,” Light Patch grumbled. “That’s why. And how did this trap get here anyway? No wait priorities, bear first, traps second,” he finished, glancing worriedly at the bear.

“This isn’t gonna end well, is it?” Purple Heart grouched. “Rainbow, would you be so kind as to help me down by killing that bear before it decides to notice us?” The sky blue pegasus nodded and was about to rise to her hooves but froze. The bear had stopped moving. And it was staring straight at Purple Heart.

“Carp.”

“Now what, fearless leader?” Light Patch asked, doing his best Boris Badenov impression. Purple Heart was silent for several seconds as he kept his gaze fixed on the bear.

“Ok,” Purple Heart said finally. “Here’s what we’re gonna do…”

The bear roared and charged. Combat was joined. The plan was put into action.

* * *

Rainbow Dash gulped loudly as she watched the ridiculously huge bear charge toward Purple Heart, and to a lesser extent, her. She drew her bow string to her cheek, feeling the fletching tickle her gently as she sighted down the arrow.

“I’m not so sure about this,” she said through the mind-link Twilight had set up between the town’s defenders.

“Stay on target,” Purple Heart assured.

“But this bear is getting close,” Rainbow Dash said apprehensively.

“Stay on target,” Purple Heart repeated.

“But-”

“Stay on target,” Purple Heart snapped. “You only get one shot at this. Trust me.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, panic still gripping her spine. After what seemed like an eternity, the wild bear was right where she wanted it.

“Stay-”

“Shaddup!” Rainbow Dash interrupted, speaking aloud as she released her arrow at her intended target. The arrow whizzed over the bear and sheared through the rope that held Purple Heart suspended about 20 feet above the forest floor. The rope snapped and dropped the purple earth pony directly onto the wild bear’s back.

“Jan, ken...” the purple stallion growled, holding on tightly to the back of the startled bear. “Hufu!” The telltale glow appeared around Purple Heart’s hoof and a wave of peace settled on Rainbow Dash. The purple stallion’s signature move now brought a feeling of security to his compatriots. The bear crumbled to the ground, unconscious. Light Patch jumped down out of the tree he had been standing in. Rainbow Dash joined him as the two walked over to where Purple Heart stood over the bear’s slumped form.

“Well done,” Light Patch noted walking up to the bear. “Looks like it might have just a bear acting up.” Purple Heart nodded, giving the bear a cursory glance.

“Guess so,” he agreed, clambering off the bear’s back. A glint in the bear’s fur made Purple Heart stop. With a frown, he leaned close to the bear’s neck, curious to find the source of the glint. His expression went slack. There was a leather strap around the bear’s neck with a plaque attached to the material that read, ‘Soviet War Bear.’

“Wits!” Purple Heart barked. There was a telepathic wince throughout the link that connected the nine ponies.

“Gah!” Wits End mentally screamed. “A little warning next time, please! I could’ve been thinking about anything!”

“...Like what?” Twilight questioned.

“...Never mind,” Wits End replied. “Definitely nothing important.”

“Quit your whining, guys," Purple Heart snapped. “We found the cause for alarm. It was a bear.”

“So?” Wits End asked. “What of it? Bears and forests tend to go together.”

“It’s got a collar on it,” Purple Heart explained. “A bandit collar. The bear was a decoy!”

“...Ya’ll have got that right,” Applejack cut in.

“How do you know?” Wits End asked. “Are you psychic too or something?”

“No,” Applejack retorted. “The bandits’re here. And a lot sooner than they oughta be, if I might add.”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 16: Never Split the Party

Far outside the outermost reaches of Roads Crossed, a large number of ponies were gathered. Each one was decked out in a rag-tag mix of leather and plate armor, with a variety of gleaming weaponry in their hooves. They all stood in a rough circle around their leader; clad in full plate mail and armed with a massive spiked club.

The giant of an earth pony sniffed the air, red eyes almost seeming to glow under his matted mane. “Colts!” he bellowed, looking out over his assembled troops. “Mares! Fellow… purveyors of an alternative revenue source.” Some of the ponies chuckled, remembering how the mayor of Roads Crossed had called them that just a few months back. “Now, I won’t bore you all with a long winded, flowery speech about how ‘we’re in the right’, and ‘honor and glory’, and other things that none of you lot really care about.”

He watched the mass of ponies nod. “No… what you care about is what we all care about! Money!” A shout of agreement. “Power!” Another shout. “And the recognition we so richly deserve, as the biggest, baddest, most dangerous bunch of bandits around!

A flock of birds took to the sky in a panic from the resulting cheer. “The local authority has talked some mighty big words about cleaning us up around here,” the bandit chief continued. “I say they’re all a bunch of candy-colored pansies!”

“Or begonias!” one pony called out, immediately silenced by the glares of those around them.

“Now,” the chief continued, “with our new specialized equipment,” he hefted his club, a faint red-orange aura surrounding each spike, “I think we can show those bunch of tea-drinkers that no-pony tells a bandit what to do! What say you?” The crowd cheered, sending up clouds of dust from their stomping hooves.

A dirt-brown pegasus flew over the rabble, from the direction of the town, and landed next to the chief. She leaned in, whispering into his ear. “The three that escaped?” the chief replied with a frown. “Are you sure?” The pegasus nodded, whispering again. “And the ones who attacked Land Bet’s patrol? And the ones that kept us from knocking over that Profit mare?”

The chief thought for a moment before grinning, showing yellowed teeth. “Well now,” he called, gathering the attention of the bandits. “It looks like we’ve got the opportunity for a little revenge while we’re at it! Fowl Wing here has just told me that those nine ponies who’ve been thorns in our sides all day just so happen to be mounting a little defence down in town. Who’s wants to show them who’s boss?”

A cheer rang through the crowd. “Then let’s show them!” the bandit chief roared. “Let’s show them that no friendship or magic stands up to cold, hard steel! Attack!”

* * *

“How can they do this?” Wits End wailed, shoving a long wooden table into place to be used as cover. “A frontal massed attack in broad daylight, relying wholly on numbers to win? What is this, a game of Equestria Universalis?”

“Stop complaining!” Twilight shouted, slamming another table into place with her magic. “They’re bandits! What’s so strange about them being idiots?”

“It doesn’t make any sense strategically! Their only way to win is to overwhelm us in a battle of attrition! There’s no tactical advantage!”

Applejack carried in a load of sandbags to reenforce the barricade. “Did either of ya’ll plan for somethin’ like this?”

Twilight blinked. “Well…”

Wits End’s mouth moved silently for a moment. “...No.”

With a sigh, Applejack dropped the bags at their hooves. “There’s your tactical advantage. They’re tryin’ to take us by surprise.”

The two horned ponies watched as Applejack kicked a tree, dislodging several large branches to strengthen their defenses. “I didn’t think you’d be the conniving sort,” Wits End said, slightly impressed.

“I’ve played a lot’ve games with my lil’ sister and her friends. Ya don’t play a hundred and twenty-seven games’ve Risk without learnin’ somethin’.”

“Hundred and- Wow.” Wits End shoved a sand bag into the barricade. “That’s a lot of building up on Pony New Guinea.”

“Not to interrupt your little game chat,” Rarity interrupted, “but what are we going to do about hordes of unwashed ponies about to attack us?”

Wits End thought for a moment. “They think they have the advantage. We’ll let them think that a little longer. Let them break through the barricades towards the outside of town, and once they come through to the second line of defence, we’ll close in from behind. Hit them from the front and back, demoralize them, and they’ll break.”

“Are you crazy?” Twilight cut in. “The townsfolk are working their hardest to build those barricades, and you want to just let that be for nothing?”

“Oh, and you have a better plan?” Wits End said sardonically.

“We use those defenses for what they’re built for. We hold the front line, show them they can’t get through, and they’ll have to give up.”

Wits End scoffed. “You just said they’re idiots! Do you really think they’re gonna give up just because a few ponies say ‘no you cannot’?”

“We don’t have to make them run forever this time!” Twilight glared at the mint-colored unicorn. “If we can drive them back and force them to regroup, we’ll have the time we need to set up properly.”

Wits End glared back, taking a step toward the purple princess. “We won’t, because they’ll overrun us. That’s what hordes do. We need to take advantage of their lack of cohesion. Let them think they’re winning, then hit them hard and fast so they won’t want to stick around for another one.”

Twilight stepped forward, almost locking horns with Wits End. “You don’t have the troops for that!”

“And you don’t have the time!”

“Geez, you guys!” Pinkie Pie’s face was suddenly uncomfortably close to the two locked unicorns. “We’re gonna have enough trouble with those angry, smelly ponies out there without you two fighting in here!”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Rarity said with a shudder.”

Wits End turned away in a huff. “I can’t be a tactician if she keeps second guessing everything I say!”

Twilight turned away as well, facing the exact opposite direction. “And I can’t let him throw these ponies into danger!”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Dealing with you two is like dealing with the Cake’s twins! If this town were a cake, I’d say just split it in half and each of you take one.”

The two arguing ponies were silent for a moment. Slowly, they both turned toward the pink pony.

Pinkie Pie looked between the two. “...What?”

Applejack stepped forward. “Twilight,” she said, concern in her voice, “ya’ll can’t seriously be thinkin’ that’d work.” Her eyes narrowed. “Ya can’t, right?”

“This is hardly the time to be infighting like this,” Rarity agreed. “Especially with a third of the ponies we know can fight still missing!”

“Why not?” Twilight asked. “Worst case scenario is we fall back to the courtyard and fight together anyway.”

“And if,” Wits End added, “or when one of us proves that their way was right, and fights off their bandits, they can reinforce the other.”

Applejack placed her face in her hoof. “Oh sweet Celestia…”

“I’ll take this side of town,” Twilight said, drawing a small line in the dirt with her hoof. “And the ponies who’re willing to fight in it.”

Wits End snorted. “Fine. I’ll take this side. And once I’ve crushed the bandits attacking my side, I’ll come around and save you.”

“Umm, sorry to interrupt,” Fluttershy said, finally stepping forward. “But what about the rest of us? Do we help one of you two? Or…”

Applejack shook her head. “I dunno about the rest’ve ya’ll, but waitin’ for those bandits to get through one wall sound’s like a buncha hogwash to me.” She stepped over the line to stand next to Twilight. “I still think this whole thing’s stupid, though.”

“Well I think planning a surprise anything sounds like fun!” Pinkie hopped over next to Wits End, wrapping a hoof around his shoulders and pulling him close.

Wits End sighed. “Please let go of me.”

Fluttershy looked between the two groups beginning to form. “Oh, well, uh…” After a moment of indecision, she stood on Twilight’s side. “Sorry…”

Rarity sighed, brushing her mane back into place. “Oh fine then.” She walked over to Wits End, keeping him between her and Pinkie’s grabby hooves. “But just to make sure you don’t do anything too foolish. Once this is over with, we’re going to write the biggest letter to Celestia anypony has ever seen.”

“Then let’s get started,” Wits End said, holding his hoof across the line. “May the best pony win.”

Twilight bumped the offered hoof. “At least try to be careful,” she scolded.

Wits End rolled his eyes. “I’m always careful.” He turned around and walked off, tripping over a sandbag on his way and turning it into some sort of half-dance as he got his rhythm back.

* * *

“I swear,” Purple Heart growled after extricating himself from another pit. “If I fall in one more carping pit, I am going to eat Wits End’s hat when we get back. Whose are these anyway?” Light Patch glanced at the traps around them they had managed to spot before triggering.

“They look rushed. I’d have to guess the bandits set these to catch anypony fleeing the town into the forest,” Light Patch said looking around the forest. “You know, Twilight is never gonna let us live this down right?” He noted stepping carefully over a trip line. Purple Heart snorted, not watching where he was walking.

“You mean she isn’t gonna let Wits End live this down,” he chortled. “She- OWCH!” The purple earth got caught on the tripwire that Light Patch had basically shown to the trio and fell flat on his face. Rainbow Dash tried to stifle a laugh as she watched Purple Heart fume with rage.

“Next thing you know there’s gonna be zeppelins and Yamato-wannabes dropping carp on our heads,” the purple stallion snarled. A thoughtful expression crossed the grey pegasus’ face as he helped his friend up.

“Is it ironic that now we have to wade through the bandit’s traps after having set our own up? Or is that more of a poetic justice kind of thing?” Light Patch asked, holding open a hole in a rope wall that was strung between two trees.

“I’m gonna say neither,” Purple Heart replied, stepping through the hole with Rainbow Dash close behind him. “I call Discord shenanigans. But he probably had those two thoughts in mind when he did it.”

“Probably. I’ll bet he’s laughing too.” Light Patch noted, wishing he’d remembered more of his ballet classes as he looked at the numerous tripwires ahead. Rainbow Dash floated down in between the two stallions.

“Well I wish he’d let us in on the joke.” She quipped looking at thick forest canopy above the trip wires. Purple Heart snorted again, coming to a stop before the web of tripwires.

“Not gonna happen,” he said, turning back to his compatriots. “Discord doesn’t usually like to share.” He fell silent for a moment. Then he spoke again.

“So,” he sighed in resignation. “Who wants to carry me?” Light Patch looked between his friend and the web of tripwires before speaking.

“Try to remember when you’re shouting at me, that I can heal you afterwards.” The grey pegasus noted before suddenly shoving his friend into the fray. Rainbow Dash looked at Light Patch with an expression of horror on her face, prompting only a ‘what?’ in response from the pegasus in question. She sighed and tried to block out the screams of anger from Purple Heart and focused on the question in her mind of how the others were doing and what they were up to.

* * *

Sweat was beading on Twilight’s forehead as she held back a bandit scimitar with her magic. “More sandbags!” she called behind her, slamming a downed bandit’s wooden club into her attacker’s head.

“We don’t got any more sandbags!” Applejack shouted back, bucking a dirty earth pony into two of his companions.

“There has to be more!” Twilight lofted the club into the oncoming wave of bandits, watching one of them drop with an almost comical look on his face. “We have to bolster this wall, or it’s gonna collapse!”

“That ain’t gonna make more sandbags appear, Twi!”

Twilight grumbled, picking up the unconscious bandit and shoving him onto the wall as a makeshift addition to the barricade. Next to her, a guardpony dropped to the ground with an arrow stuck in his armor. “Fluttershy! Get him to safety!”

Fluttershy let out a squeak, inching out from the safety of her corner to drag the wounded pony away. She reached into her saddlebags, retrieving some herbs and bandages.

“There’s a lot more of them that I anticipated,” Twilight muttered. “If only we had more time to prepare…”

“Twi…”

“Applejack, please tell me you found some more sandbags.”

“Twi, I think you should turn around.”

“AJ, this really isn’t the ti-” The feeling of metal against the side of her neck silenced Twilight in a flash. She turned her eyes slightly, seeing a grinning bandit at her side, spear point at her throat. “Oh bother.”

* * *

Light Patch turned to look at Purple Heart who was squatting on the ground with a pouting expression on his face and rolled his eyes again. “Oh quit sulking you big baby. I healed the worst of it.” Purple Heart glared up at his grey friend and grimaced.

“Grumble bumble,” the purple earth pony mumbled. “I hope that Hooper pokes you full of holes next time we- Huh...Hooper. Hooper. Hooperhooperhooper...Curious...very curious.”

“What is?” Rainbow Dash asked from her spot on a tree branch above the two ponies.

“It’s probably good he’s not here to hear that.” Light Patch noted, “Another friend of ours. Nothing you need to worry about, Dash.” He turned back to the road they were on. Rainbow Dash flitted to the next set of branches.

“Whatever, how much longer do you think it will take to get back to the center of the town?” she asked. Purple Heart stood, wincing as small needles of pain erupted across his body. The purple stallion shrugged, igniting several more needles of pain.

“I’d have to say a few more minutes,” Purple Heart replied, turning to face the road before him. “I do hope Wits End and the rest are holding up… Welp, let’s get going.” He began trotting down the road but froze after taking several steps.

“Erm,” he mumbled. “Would you mind taking point, Light?” The grey pegasus rolled his eyes as he moved to take the lead.

“Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. You don’t need to worry though, I remember this park. We left this road mostly untrapped for our own use. Easy supply lines or a route of retreat if needed. We’ve got a good-” Light Patch paused in his speech as a faint click echoed down the road. He looked down at his hoof and the trip wire he’d just stepped on.

“Fudge, it just had to be one of mine,” he managed to squeak out before the traps working sprung into action. Purple Heart was barely able to contain his snort of amusement as he watched the grey pegasus plunge into a pit. Then he heard the splashing water along with the clacking of needle teeth and the buzz of electricity.

“You dumpkoff!” Purple Heart barked, rushing to the edge of the pit. “You have got to be kidding me!”

* * *

“Now?” Pinkie Pie was barely containing her excitement, her voice a high-pitched whisper as she hid.

Wits End shook his head, hidden behind the door frame of the house they were in. There were bandits marching past the windows; a few looked inside, but not close enough to spot the ponies hidden within. “Not yet.”

The pink pony was vibrating in place now, torn cloth stuffed into her bells to keep them quiet. “Now?”

“A little more time.” Wits End checked the reflection in the mirror, keeping a mental count of how many bandits had passed. “Just a little more…”

“Mister End,” Rarity hissed, “If we don’t do something soon, I fear Pinkie Pie might explode.”

Pinkie’s whisper reached a new pitch. “Now?”

Wits End sighed. “Fine. Pinkie? Break the door down.”

With an almost deafening shriek of excitement, the pink pony lunged forward. The door flew off its hinges, knocking a swath of bandits off their feet. A split second later, Wits End and Rarity leapt through the door, facing off with the surprised ponies.

“Poison Sting!” Wits End shouted, launching a stinger into tightest cluster of bandits. A few dodged out of the way, but the stinger hit one pony true; those surrounding were caught in the resulting splash of acid.

“Take this, you ruffians!” Rarity launched a hail of needles into her own bandit grouping, eliciting cries of surprise and pain as they dropped their weapons in their attempts to pull the offending pieces of metal out.

Pinkie Pie picked herself up, shaking the cloth out of her bells. “Rarity,” she whined, “you didn’t give your attack a super cool name!”

“What?” Rarity glanced back, firing off a few well placed shots at oncoming bandits. “Pinkie Pie, dear, I’m not giving my attacks any silly names.”

“But that’s half the fun!” Wits End added in, locking blades with a bandit pegasus. “It’s like verbal fashion!”

“My dear, that is not fashion,” Rarity scoffed. “Speaking of which, neither is your outfit. That many belts and a robe? So last century.”

Wits End swept his sword in an arc, disarming his opponent. “What? We are last century! The last century is what we’re in right now!”

“That’s no excuse to wear a peaked cap with that coiffure!”

“What’s wrong with my hair?”

“Look out!” Pinkie Pie shrieked, diving between the two unicorns.

Wits End blinked, looking down at the pink pony. “Look out for what?”

“The wave!”

“The wa-” Wits End turned around, seeing the literal wave of bandits charging toward them. “Oh. That wave.”

Rarity’s jaw dropped. “Oh dear.”

Their screams could be heard for a second before being forcefully muffled by the collapsing pile of bandits.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 17: Big Damn Heroes

Twilight found herself violently shoved to the ground, wings and hooves bound with rope. The ornate silver band over her horn that one of the bandits had forced on her was keeping her from bursting her binds with magic, leaving her feeling mentally drained. Applejack had been forced down next to her by three earth ponies, while Fluttershy had required only one.

A moment later, Wits End was thrown to the dirt next to the captured alicorn, a similar magical band on his horn, and a bruise forming on his cheek. “Well,” he muttered, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and blood as Rarity and Pinkie Pie joined them. “That could’ve gone better.”

“A lot better,” Applejack offered, “if two ponies hadn’t decided their egos were more important than the task at hoof.”

Twilight winced at her friend’s brutal honesty. “Yeah, sorry girls.” She turned her head to face the mint-colored stallion next to her. “And you too, Wits End. I... should have realized that-”

“Before you finish that thought,” Wits End interrupted, “I want you to know that this was completely my fault.”

Twilight blinked in surprise. “What?”

“I should’ve worked on keeping the party together, instead of fracturing it like that just because I wanted to show off.” He grinned sheepishly. “It’s not everyday I get to butt heads with a princess, and… I got carried away. I apologize.”

“What? No, I apologize! If I hadn’t been so suspicious of you working with the bandits, none of this would’ve happened!”

Wits End frowned. “Look, it’s my fault, okay? Can we just move on from here?”

Twilight’s eyebrows narrowed. “No, it’s my fault.”

“My fault!”

“Oh for the love of-” Rarity rolled her eyes, trying to keep her body on the cobblestones and off the dirt. “Are you two really going to argue about who gets to claim blame for what happened? Honestly, that’s the most overdramatic thing I’ve heard in my life!” She squeaked, inching away from an ant making its way across the street.

Wits End sighed, rolling onto his back. “Well,” he said after a few seconds, “at least it can’t get any worse.”

“Is that right?” a deep baritone growled behind them.

An irritated expression flashed over Wits End’s face. “I need to put some points into ‘keep big mouth shut’.”

The bandit chief easily stepped over the prone ponies, standing before them with a grin on his face. “Well now,” he said, loud enough for the gathered bandits to hear. “It looks to me like our little band of adventurers ain’t so good as they think after all!” He looked over his captives, eyes catching on Twilight’s horn and wings. “What do we have here?”

Twilight wriggled indignantly. If being an alicorn was going to be worth anything, it would be here. “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle,” she said, keeping her eyes locked with the bandit chief’s. “And I demand that you let us go and leave this village at once!”

The chief’s eyes widened in surprise. Silence fell over the square for several seconds before a bellowing laugh erupted from him, with his bandits following suit soon afterward. “A princess, you say? There hasn’t been alicorn royalty in centuries, little filly. Maybe you should’ve stayed under in whatever retreat you’ve been hiding in instead of coming out into the big, scary, real world!”

“What?” Twilight said softly. “Centuries?”

The bandit chief straightened up, genuine surprise on his face. “What, you really don’t know? Well, all you need to know for now is that a hornfeather like you is worth a lot of bits to somepony. You’re gonna make me a very wealthy bandit, ‘princess’ Twilight Sparkle.” He looked over the others, eyes resting on Wits End, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie. “You three, on the other hoof, have been enough trouble already.” He waved a hoof toward the crowd. “Take them. Put them in a basement or something until I can think of something big enough to learn them a lesson.” He thought for a moment, turning away. “Put the Orange and the Marshmallow in with them. No bits they’d get us would compare.”

Rarity choked at the bandit’s words. “M-Marshmallow?!” she cried.

“I ain’t no Orange!” Applejack wriggled furiously. “Lemme go an’ say that again, ya big apple maggot!”

Wits End glared at the massive bandit chief. “You’re making a big mistake.”

The chief laughed, prodding the mint-colored unicorn in the chest. “You’ve lost, filly-boy. Unless you’re hiding an army in those robes, you’d better enjoy what little time you’ve got left.”

With a quick grunt, Wits End twisted his body, making a shallow cut in the bandit chief’s foreleg with the tip of his horn. “I don’t need an army, you big dummy. I’ve got...” He sighed, shaking his head. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this… I’ve got friendship!”

The bandit chief snorted and took a step back. “Clever trick, using your horn to cut me. Let’s see how much armor your friendship provides from my hoof!” he said, reeling back.

“BE HEALED!” suddenly rang through the town square, and before anyone could react, a warhammer slammed into the bandit chief's face. Light Patch alighted on the ground in front of the bandit. “Side effects may include headache, nausea, amnesia, concussion, itchy watery eyes and stupidity,” he quickly rambled off before turning to the bandits around his captured friends, just in time to see Purple Heart and confused Rainbow Dash moving over to stand next to him.

“Hey, Wits,” Purple Heart chortled. “Lucky for you, we got here just in the nick of time.” The purple stallion turned to look at Light Patch who suddenly wore a cocky grin on his face.

“You know what this makes us right?” the grey pegasus asked. Purple Heart nodded, turning back to the awestruck bandits and their bound friends.

“Big damn heroes,” Purple Heart declared.

“Yes~!” Light Patch squealed and began to giggle maniacally as he charged the nearest group of bandits, warhammer swinging wildly. Purple Heart turned to look at Wits End and the rest of the Mane Six, his grin growing.

“Those who are squeamish of mind should look away now,” the purple earth pony announced in a sing-song voice before charging after Light Patch. “Activate 'Fury' skill! WAAAGH!!!”

“Wait, you-” Wits End sighed, watching bandits being tossed in all directions. “As impressive as that is,” he said to no-pony in particular, “it would’ve been nice if they’d untied us first…”

“That’s why I’m still here,” Rainbow Dash piped up, trotting over to the tied up ponies. “They can take care of themselves.” Twilight blinked.

“Are you sure?” she asked, watching as several bandits landed in an orderly heap several yards away from them. “How are they doing that?” Rainbow shrugged, grabbing a knot.

“Not a clue,” she replied. “Purple froze about five streets back and was still for almost a minute. Then he started whispering to Light Patch. That led to what you saw a few moments ago.” The ropes flopped to the ground.

Wits End wrapped his hooves around the band on his horn, letting it drop to the ground. “I’m friends with two of the biggest nerds in the universe,” he muttered, horn glowing as he did the same for Twilight and Rarity. “And they didn’t even leave me a line! And for that,” he picked up his hat, setting it on his head at a jaunty angle, “I aim to misbehave. Banzai!” He dove into the mayhem, sword drawn and swinging wildly. The Mane Six stared after the three stallions for several seconds, watching bandits flying every which way.

“They’re crazy,” Twilight whispered softly. Her friends nodded sagely in agreement.

* * *

“Final count,” Purple Heart wheezed, flopping to the ground beside Light Patch. “42.”

“Only twenty,” Light Patch said, bandaging up Applejack, his mana low at the moment. “But I was also busy making sure ya’ll didn’t clock out earily.”

“And I’m thankful for that,” Purple Heart said, closing his eyes. “I’m glad I got that message about the unarmed-barbarian specialist ability or else we’d be hurt a lot more.”

Wits End trotted up to the two, dropping a downed bandit in one of the piles. “You know, I would’ve had more than seventeen of those guys if Ghazghkull here hadn’t kept jumping in.” He took a seat next to the two stallions and started cleaning his blade on a scrap of cloth. “When Twilight’s telepathy cut out, I thought you guys had been captured or something. Were you just waiting for the most dramatic moment or something?”

“Ow, watch it.” Applejack suddenly cut in.

“Well stop moving.” Light Patch said before turning to his friend. “Sorry but when we realized we fell for a trap we had to book it around to the opposite side of the forest through bandit traps and- hold still or I’ll tie all of the bandages with pink lacy ribbons!” the pegasus snapped at Applejack.

“Then this bundle of charm here fell into a pit he made inside the village.” Purple Heart jerked his head at the grey pegasus.

“What’s so bad about a pit?” Twilight asked, trotting up. Purple Heart twisted his face into a grimace. Light Patch tried to object but his mouth was currently full of Applejack bandages.

“Are piranhas a good enough reason?” the purple stallion asked. Twilight blinked.

“Ah,” she said.

“And yet,” Wits End muttered, “here you are. Better late than never, I guess.” He looked at the edge of the sword and tsked. “What I wouldn’t give for some oil…”

Light Patch quickly finished bandaging Applejack. “First, they were acid piranhas,” he ignored the glances he’d gotten from those in hearing range and continued. “Second, at least we showed up. And third, what happened that we had to ride in to your rescue anyway?” he finished.

Twilight and Wits End went silent, looking away from each other. “Mistakes were made,” Wits End said after a moment.

“Yes, they were,” Twilight agreed. Purple Heart switched his gaze between the two ponies, a bemused expression growing on his face.

“You weren’t caught face-mashing in a corner, weren’t you?” he asked slyly, scooching away from Wits End. Light Patch fell over laughing. The Mane Six stared at the Colt Trio in something akin to horror.

Wits End jerked, accidentally slicing through the rag he’d been using. “Wh-what? You- I- We- Wha-”

“We did no such thing!” Twilight exclaimed, face turning red.

“Not even slightly!” Wits End added. “My lips are un-smooched, thank you! I should sue you for slander!”

“Me thinks, my good sirs and madams,” Light Patch said looking at the assembled ponies, “that they doth protest this accusation too much.”

“Sha lalalala~ My oh my! I think the colt is shy!” Purple Heart began to sing as Light Patch quickly joined in and the pair started to harmonize.”Go on and kiss the-”

Twilight was surprised that such a small stallion could move so fast, and with enough force in his hooves to knock the other two colts flat on their backs. Wits End stood over his friends, glaring as hard as he could with a blush on his face. “I’m going to help gather the rest of the bandits,” he said plainly, making sure to put extra weight in his step as he stomped on the two stallion’s on his way away. Purple Heart raised his head slightly and grinned up at the astonished Mane Six.

“Totally worth it,” he groaned. “I didn’t know he could hit that hard though.”

Pinkie Pie appeared at Twilight’s shoulder, bouncing excitedly. “Ooh! Do you have a special somepony now, Twilight? I’ve got the perfect party to announce it to-”

“No-pony’s announcing anything!” Twilight exclaimed, stomping away. “I’m gonna go help Wits End.” After a moment, she stopped. “Not like that, shut up!” she called over her shoulder, continuing toward the pile Wits End was flinging bandits onto.

Light Patch sat up from where he had been playing dead. He pulled out some more bandages and got to work on Purple Heart before glancing over at Twilight and Wits End. “Eh, we probably took that a step too far, we’re gonna have to make it up to them,” he noted. Purple Heart raised himself to his hooves, cracking his neck in the process.

“Perhaps,” he growled. “But there’s one thing that concerns me.”

“An’ what’s that?” Applejack asked, looking at the stallion and trying to not snicker at the large bow being tied into the bandages behind the purple stallion’s head; not knowing about the one behind her head either.

Rarity stepped forward, looking over the state of the two stallions. “Could it be jealousy that your friend has found romance with a filly far beyond your level?” she offered coyly. Purple Heart stared at the white unicorn blankly for several seconds before he scoffed.

“Hardly,” he snorted, turning to Light Patch. “Now I don’t know about you, but I didn’t manage to give that large monologuing pony a piece of my hoof.”

“So?” Applejack asked.

“RPG 101: boss battles never happen in cutscenes.” Light Patch paused to think for a few moments. “Well the good ones don’t anyway.” He paused as a frown consumed his face. “A music box.” he muttered.
“So where is he?” Purple Heart retorted. Rarity and Applejack paused as they shared looks with Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie.

“Uh...” Applejack mumbled. Purple Heart nodded.

“Exactly.”

Their pondering was interrupted by a pair of screams behind them. A few bandit bodies landed nearby, raining down from what use to be the pile Wits End and Twilight had been working on. It its place stood the bandit chief; with the two horned ponies thrown a few yards away. The bandit chief roared in anger, swinging his ridiculously large morningstar over his head.

Purple Heart groaned. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“Found him.” Pinkie and Light Patch said at the same time.

“You have encountered the Bandit Chief,” the Discord-alike voice echoed, the turn listing and combat grid appearing around them. “Combat is joined.”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 18: Legionnaires Forward!

Fluttershy stared at the turn list: only four names were on it. “Combat, Support, Magic, and Bandit Chief? What’s that mean?”

“Oh, I know!,” Pinkie Pie shouted said, bouncing in place. “Since there’s so many ponies fighting at the same time, we’ve been split up into groups! Me, Purple Stripy, and AJ are the combat ponies, Patchwork, Fluttershy, and Dashie are the supports, and Twilight, Minty, and Marshmallowity are the magic users! The ones in a group move at the same time!”

Rarity balked at her new nickname. “Please tell me that’s not going to continue.” A vein in Purple Heart’s forehead pulsed as he glared at Pinkie Pie.

“Stripey?” he growled. “What am I, Tigger? Is my top made outta rubber and my bottom made out of springs?”

“Uh,” Light Patch looked at the grid and the circle around him on the ground, “what? What is this? Whats going on?” Purple Heart looked at his friend questioningly. Then recognition dawned on his face.

“Oh yeah,” Purple Heart muttered. “You didn’t get into a combat situation… Basically, the grid is a baseline for distance, you can’t move out of the square during somepony else’s turn, and movement is free range as long as it’s your turn.”

“Right, Warhammer movement. The circle is my base and the grid is rule of thumb distance.” Light Patch nodded and glanced at the turn list. “I guess that means you first,” a grin spread over his face, “Stripey.” The vein pulsed again.

“Meh you,” Purple Heart snarled, looking to where Twilight and Wits End lay prone behind the Bandit Chief. “First things first. We should probably get them back up.” He turned to Pinkie Pie and Applejack.

“Which of you wants to deal damage while the other two grab them?” Purple Heart jerked his head at Twilight and Wits End.

Applejack sighed, unhitching her lasso. “Ya’ll can get them. I’ll see if I can’t keep this overgrown crabapple still.” Purple Heart nodded in affirmation.

“Sounds good,” he decided, turning to Pinkie Pie. “Wanna race?”

Pinkie Pie grinned. “You’re on! I’ve never thrown a rescue party before, but no-pony beats Pinkie Pie at any kind of party!” Purple Heart grinned in return, looking to Light Patch.

“If you would be so kind?” he prompted. Light Patch raised an eyebrow but shook his head.

“Okay, sure.” The pegasus stallion took a deep breath and screamed out as fast as he could, “Three two one go!” Purple Heart, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie took off towards the Bandit Chief at a dead sprint. Applejack twirled her lasso as she ran and launched it at the Bandit Chief as Purple Heart and Pinkie Pie darted past towards Twilight and Wits End.

“Hog Tie!” the orange earth pony bawled as the lasso encircled and tightened around the Bandit Chief. The large pony glared at Applejack but didn’t react beyond that.

“First!” Purple Heart and Pinkie Pie declared, hauling their respective comrades to their hooves.

“Rainbow, how about you give some long range fire support to Applejack? Fluttershy and I will go heal up Witty and Twilight,” Light Patch said. Rainbow Dash gave a quick nod before flitting off the ground and drawing her bow.

Light Patch and Fluttershy quickly made their way over to their injured comrades, ignoring the sound of Rainbow’s Tri-Shot. “Which one’s hurt worse?” he asked once over to the two.

Fluttershy arrived first, looking over the two wounded ponies. “I think they’re just shaken up,” she said, holding a hoof to Twilight’s forehead. “Um, I helped some of the town guardsponies when we were being attacked. All you have to do is use the… heal skill, I think?”

“Right.” Light Patch nodded then moved over to Wits End and began the check. “Sanka ya dead?” he asked before finishing. He figured both he and Fluttershy had succeeded in in the skill checks because of the color returning to their friends’ faces.

Wits End groaned, opening an eye. “No mahn,” he groaned, glancing around. He saw Fluttershy helping Twilight regain her balance, and turned to see who had helped him. His face fell as he looked at the face of his pegasus friend. “Now, why couldn’t you two have switched places?” he deadpanned, brushing the dust from his robe.

“Mostly because Fluttershy was faster and beat me to Twilight,” Light Patch responded, turning to face the boss. “But, I was also afraid that Twilight would induct me into the pony space program.” He paused and then rubbed the back of his neck. “And uh, sorry. I kind of took it too far. You can beat me up later.”

“Later being the operative word,” Wits End muttered, looking over at the bandit chief; bound and punctured by arrows. “Right, big bad and ugly decided to play dead and bowl us over. We in combat?” Purple Heart nodded, looking back to where Applejack stood with Rainbow Dash slightly behind and above her. The bar above the Bandit Chief was slightly smaller but not by much.

“Where’d you hit him?” Purple Heart asked, directing his question at Rainbow Dash.

“Shoulder,” Rainbow replied. “It didn’t do much damage.”

“So I noticed,” Purple Heart said, turning to Wits End. “Up for some magical shenanigans?”

Wits End smirked. “I’m always up for shenanigans.” He glanced at the turn list. “Huh, group actions. Neat. We’ll keep him busy this turn so you guys can hit’m hard.” He turned to Twilight. “Sound good to you?”

Twilight nodded, spreading her wings. “I can handle that.” She faced the bandit chief, focusing on the area in front of his face. “Flare!” A flash of light burst before the large pony’s eyes, followed by intense heat, eliciting a scream of pain and surprise.

“Rarity!” Wits End called out, pointing a hoof toward the bandit. “Aim for the joints in his armor! Keep him from moving around in that tin can of his.”

“Hmph.” Rarity looked the chief’s armor over. “As if I could let such an offence to fashion go without punishment.” Steel needles flew through the air, embedding themselves in the chief’s legs and hooves, and causing his grip on the club to weaken.

“And for the final touch,” Wits End said, horn glowing with magic. “Poison Sting!” The stinger shot out, slamming into the bandit’s side. Muddy green bubbles appeared over the bandit’s head, along with the word “poisoned”.

“Yeesh.” Purple Heart whistled. “You aren’t holding back are you?”

The bandit chief’s name ticked to the top of the list. With a roar of rage, he wrapped a hoof around the rope holding him still. Applejack raised an eyebrow. “What in tarnation is he doin?”

“Well, you’ve got him in a grapple,” Wits End observed, “so if I had to guess, he’s-”

The apple farmer found herself pulled through the air by her own lasso, landing in the chief’s armored hooves. He turned, holding the stunned mare like a javelin as he took aim at the cluster of ponies.

Wits End swallowed hard, wheels clicking into place just slightly too late as the chief flung Applejack in the direction of his group. “-Reversing the grapple,” he finished meekly.

Before Light Patch could make any witty remarks, Applejack slammed into him, causing them both to fly backwards, bowling over Wits End and Twilight in the process. Health bars dropped, with Applejack taking the worst of it; bringing her down to half health in a single stroke. “That,” the orange mare groaned, “was not what I’d planned for.”

The bandit chief chuckled, shaking off arrows and needles. “Looks like your precious friendship does more harm than good!”

“And he’s throwing out ironic echoes,” Wits End grumbled, pulling himself up. “That’s my job…”

Purple Heart shook his head in resignation. “I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to do this.” The purple stallion turned to Pinkie Pie.

“How do you feel about flying?” he asked shortly. Pinkie Pie cocked her head to one side.

“It’s fun, I guess.” Pinkie smiled. “Oh!, This one time, me and Twilight flew in a hot air balloon to-”

“Ok!” Purple Heart interrupted. “You don’t take issue with it. Do you have any abilities that could make a dent in him?” He jerked his head at the Bandit Chief.

Pinkie Pie nodded, clapping her forehooves together. “Leave it to me! I use Lucky Stars!” Purple Heart nodded and grabbed the pink party pony with both hooves. Grunting from the exertion, Purple Heart lifted Pinkie above his head and hurled her at the Bandit Chief.

“FOR PONY!” he boomed, charging after the soaring earth pony. “Jan...Ken...Hufu!” The glowing light appeared around his hooves and the two earth ponies rammed into the Bandit Chief with astonishing force that seemed remarkably similar to that of a broadside from a galleon. The Bandit Chief grunted in surprise and pain as he teetered backwards, very nearly falling over. Pinkie Pie and Purple Heart landed beside him hard, making indentations in the hard ground. Suddenly, nine ropes snapped above the heads of the two earth ponies and struck the Bandit Chief likes snakes.

“Nine-tails!” Applejack bawled weakly. “Man, tha’ took the starch right outta me.” The Bandit Chief growled at the two earth ponies as his health bar shrunk rapidly before stopping suddenly.

“I’ll get you for that,” he snarled. Purple Heart cocked his head to one side as he looked up at the Bandit Chief with a piercing blue gaze for a long time. The Bandit Chief shifted uncomfortably.

“What?” he snapped. “Is there ketchup on my shirt?” Purple Heart shook his head.

“Nah,” he replied. “I just couldn’t think of a snippy catch phrase. Oh! That could wo-...nah, nevermind. I really need to work on that.”

Wits End rolled his eyes. “Amateur.”

“Shaddup.”

Light Patch pulled himself off the ground, now that it was he and his team’s turn. “One free starching coming up,” he said, casting a quick heal on Applejack. Light Patch then moved past Fluttershy as she helped Twilight back up and used another healing check to remove the dazing from her friend.

“I hope that helped some,” the yellow pegasus quietly said.

“I’m just fine. Thanks, Fluttershy.” Twilight looked toward the bandit chief, eyes narrowing at the state of his health bar. “This isn’t working nearly as fast as I’d hoped.”

“‘Course it isn’t,” Light Patch said, trotting backwards so he could face Twilight. “It’s a boss battle. It’s supposed to be nice and drawn out so we can savour every little bit of it,” the pegasus said, passing Rainbow Dash just as she missed a shot at the bandit chief.

“Whatever it is,” Rainbow muttered, “I’d hate to be in the middle of another throwing match like that.”

Light Patch shrugged, stopping close by his friend Purple Heart, causing ‘Magic’ to move to the top of the list.

“We need to be more creative about how this works,” Wits End said, looking around the battlefield. “Anypony see anything we can use for extra environmental effects?”

After a quick glance, Twilight pointed a hoof toward the chief. “There!”

Wits End blinked. “That’s the guy we’re fighting. We cannot use the guy we’re fighting to fight the guy we’re fighting.”

“Not him, smartalec. Behind him!” She pointed again toward the pile of bandit bodies behind the chief. “If we can bring that down on him, it’s gotta do something, right?”

“If you can’t get it this turn, I’ll make a go for it next turn,” Light Patch said, mentally kicking himself for not having been looking for that kind of environmental shenanigans already.

Wits End frowned. “It’d work, but I don’t have anything that’ll work on a large enough scale.”

Twilight sighed, “I don’t either, and if we don’t do it now, he’ll definitely move. Maybe we can-”

“I’VE GOT IT!” Rarity screamed, sending a flock of startled birds to the sky outside the battle zone. Numerous pairs of eyes turned toward her as she pulled herself out of her ‘I have an idea’ pose. She cleared her throat, making a broad sweeping gesture toward the other ponies. “Light Patch, dear, do you remember what my class is?”

A look of horror flashed across his face. “Uh, uh….” His eyes darted around and he noticed the Bandit Chief raise an eyebrow. “Hey, it’s not like I knew there would be a quiz based on it. Uh, Needle Sniper?” he tentatively asked.

Rarity’s gaze narrowed. After a moment, she turned to Applejack. “Applejack, dear, do you remember what my class is?”

“Manipulator, weren’t it?”

“Exactly! And does anypony know what a Manipulator does?” Purple Heart shook his head, looking around before his eyes landed on the Bandit Chief.

“You got any idea, gargantua?” he asked. The Bandit Chief twisted his muzzle in irritation.

“What do you think, pipsqueak?” he growled. The obligatory vein pulsed once before Purple Heart turned away.

With a grin and a flip of her mane, Rarity turned toward the pile of bandits. “They make ponies do exactly what they want!” Her horn shined brightly, her magic encompassing the bandits. Several of the bodies began pushing and climbing the others, causing the whole pile to start wobbling violently. “And she always gets exactly what she wants.”

The bandit chief looked up at the pile of his former underlings, now toppling down on him. “Oh you little b-” His last words were drowned out under a wave of ponies and their surprisingly heavy armor.

Light Patch began to lightly clap. “Okay, I’ll admit, I’m impressed. Not exactly necromancy, but it’ll do.”

Wits End winced. “I’m having terrible flashbacks to how we lost our last fight.”

“A good fashionista always draws inspiration from her life, darling,” Rarity explained smugly as the chief’s health bar dropped sharply.

After a few seconds the pile began to shift and wiggle slightly. Suddenly a familiar hoof shot from the pile. Without a warning, Light Patch stood on his hind legs and, in a shrill voice, screamed, “Rise Lazarus, Rise!” The grey pegasus then began to laugh maniacally as the bandit chief continued trying to get unstuck from under the pile of ponies. After a few moments, he’d managed to clear the pile out around him. “Behold, Mares and Stallions,” Light Patch said gesturing to the now exposed Bandit Chief. “The greatest show unearthed.” Light Patch began to laugh again, along with a few of the other ponies present.

The bandit chief turned to the grey pegasus, his anger clearly etched in his face at the mockery. Faster than anypony could have expected, he closed the distance between himself and the grey pegasus. In a fit of rage, accompanied by a roar of ‘Shut up!’, he brought his head crashing down onto Light Patch’s face. Above both heads appeared the words ‘Critical Hit’, along with a small fanfare. Both participants staggered backwards and fell over. A second fanfare played and the word ‘Congratulations!’ appeared over the boss’s form as small wisps left the boss and disappeared into each of the ponies as the list faded away. Fluttershy rushed over to Light Patch; to her relief he was still breathing. After calming down a little she, began to bandage him up.

Wits End looked between the two knocked out ponies. He trotted over to the bandit chief, poking him in the side of the head with his sheath. Satisfied that he was truly defeated, he knelt down next to where Fluttershy was treating his grey friend. “I knew you had a hard head, Patchy, but this is a new level.”

Purple Heart looked down at the grey pegasus, an amused grin on his face.

“You sir,” he chuckled. “Are one crazy bugger. I salute you. Next time though, try not to leave us without a healer. Just in case.” Twilight looked at the Colt Trio with a puzzled look on her face. Yep, she thought, These ponies were definitely crazy.

A light fluttering sound caught Fluttershy’s attention, and she looked up just in time to see a small piece of paper alight on Light Patch’s stomach. She picked it up and noticed it had three holes punched in it along the bottom. Along the top read the words, ‘Crit stand. Get ten crits and get the Jinx skill free.’ She looked at it for a few seconds, confused to its meaning. Giving up on understanding it, she absently shoved it into one of Light Patch’s pouches before returning to bandaging him up.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 19: The Aftermath

Wits End tossed the last of the bandits into the wagon, wiping his forehead with the edge of his robe. “Take’m away, boys!” He watched as the pair of stallions pulled the wagon full of bodies away. “Finally. I swear, it’s like more bodies popped up every time I turned around.”

“They were,” Applejack offered, bandages wrapped around her rib cage. “These folks’ve been bringin’ in the bodies of bandits takin’ out all ‘round town.” She raised an eyebrow. “Ya’ll really didn’t notice?”

Wits End’s mouth was pulled into a flat line. “You might have noticed that I’m not best at noticing things.”

“That I have.”

With a sigh, Wits End leaned against the side of a building. “Well, at least it’s done with.”

“Could be worse,” a voice suddenly chimed in around the corner of the building Wits End leaned against. “Could be raining,” Light Patch said, slowly walking around the corner being supported by Rainbow Dash.

Wits End turned around, eyebrows narrowed. “Don’t even say that. You know that summons freakin’ storms.”

“I was born and raised in Washtonnes. I fear no stor-ow!” he said, wincing as he’d tried to strike a pose. “I’ll be really happy when my mana pool decides to rebuild and I can use my healing abilities again,” he finished, plopping to a laying position on the ground.

“I’m surprised Fluttershy let ya’ll loose,” Applejack said, joining the others by the wall. “Ya’ll look like ya got the worse off of a ragin’ bull.”

“Aheh, uh, about that,” Light Patch began, a nervous look covering his face. “Fluttershy doesn’t exactly know I’m not where she left me,” he finished with a nervous laugh.

“I see you picked up the bandits I found hanging around,” Purple Heart said as he trotted into the conversation. “So now what? Do we need to chat with somepony to finish the quest or something?”

“Probably the mayor. It’s his town we saved, so if there is any pony we’ve gotta talk to for ending the quest, it’d be him,” Light Patch responded, trying to not fall asleep.

Wits End nodded. “Great. Let’s get this thing over with so we can get this whole thing finished. I’ve got a Draconequuis to punch in the-”

“There you are!” Fluttershy dove to the ground, landing directly in front of Light Patch. She glared at him. “And what do you think you’re doing out of bed, mister?”

“Getting in lots of trouble.” Light Patch paused, “and... fresh air?” He asked looking up at her nose. Purple Heart snickered at his friend’s misfortune.

Fluttershy was not amused. “You were seriously injured by that bandit. You shouldn’t be out at all!” She turned to Rainbow Dash, who had been laughing at the grey pegasus’ troubles. “And you! I can’t believe you would help him do this sort of thing!”

“Wait, wait!” Light Patch quickly cut in, “Don’t rag on her too hard. I begged her to help me. I had to get out of that bed. I, uh,” his voice dropped. “I had to get away from you. I appreciated your help, but the hovering was starting to get a bit stifling for me. It was making me feel useless, and I hate feeling useless. And before you ask why I didn’t say anything, it’s because I was,” Light Patch paused again and cleared his throat. “I was afraid of hurting your feelings.”

“Oh…” Fluttershy’s wings folded back against her sides as she looked at the ground. “I-I didn’t realize…” She sighed, looked back up. “I’m sorry. But I do wish you had just told me instead of making me worry like that.”

“It’s okay. It’s my own fault. I tend to get so wrapped up in making sure everyone else is happy sometimes I do stupid stuff. I’ll try to remember to say something if it happens again.” Light Patch said, looking at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy smiled. “Well, you should still take it easy for a while. You wouldn’t want to have any sort of trouble with your head, would you?”

Wits End cleared his throat in a way that somepony might misconstrue as ‘too late’.

“Yoo hoo!” Rarity waved a hoof as she approached the group, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and the mayor of Roads Crossed following close behind. “There you are! We just finished checking on all the poor townsponies.”

“Everypony seems to be just fine,” Twilight said, coming to a stop between Wits End and Purple Heart. “The mayor wanted to thank us for protecting the town so well.” The town’s mayor stepped forward and inclined his head to them. He was a big burly stallion the color of iron with a flowing greying mane and finely waxed mustachios. A bronze medallion imprinted with an eagle’s wing hung around his thick neck as the symbol of his office.

“I’m very grateful to you travellers for protecting my townsponies from the bandits,” he said gruffly. “If there’s anything I can do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

Twilight nodded. “If you have any ideas of why the bandits wanted to attack, it would help us immensely.”

“Well, most likely because we had gold they want,” the mayor responded. “Then again, with some of the equipment they had, it looked like they didn’t need a whole lot more of it.”

Wits End thought for a moment before turning to the cream-colored pegasus. “Fluttershy, didn’t you and Pinkie find a whole bunch of weapons when we were in the bandit camp?”

Fluttershy nodded slowly. “Y-yes we did. Some of them seemed pretty strange, too. Some were glowy, some had frost on them; they definitely didn’t seem normal.”

Purple Heart frowned, considering Fluttershy’s words before recognition dawned on his face.

“Speaking of,” he piped up. “We ran into a pony that had an enchanted hammer. Darn irritating to deal with. Afterburn debuff.”

Wits End gestured towards the sword on his back. “And this one’s got a fear effect on it. What kind of world is this where magic weapons are more common than unenchanted ones?”

“They aren’t,” the mayor managed to utter through his surprise. “They are generally rare. You can’t just enchant any old sharpened piece of steel. Well, you can, but the enchantment won’t stick as well.” He shook his head, trying to get back to his neutral expression. “I’d love to know how they managed to become so well equipped. The only place to get any decent number of quality magic weapons would be the capital.”

Twilight frowned. “That doesn’t sound encouraging.”

“It also sounds suspiciously like a plot hook,” Wits End added, his eyebrows narrowing. “Let’s step back to completing this quest, shall we? The town’s all safe and shiny, right?”

Twilight glanced at the mint-colored unicorn. “I thought we already established that. What’s your point?”

“My point,” Wits End said, emphasising by stamping the ground with a forehoof, “is that this looks a lot like the place where the quest ends. Shouldn’t there be a nice ‘congratulations’ screen, or somepony playing the guitar and telling us what a good job we did?” He mimed strumming an instrument. “Huzzah, the pony guys rule, and all that.”

“Huzzah!” the pegasus echoed. “But seriously, considering this game world didn’t disappear with the town safe, I suspect we’re wrapping up the current quest and moving on to the next,” Light Patch chimed in raising into a sitting position.

Purple Heart frowned, turning to look at his two friends.

“Wait,” he said. “‘Next?’ What do you mean ‘next’? We three have a bad case of RPG Restart Syndrome, remember?”

Wits End sighed, his shoulders slumping. “I hate to break this to you, but I’m not the one running this thing, which means that the adventure can run until the DM runs out of material. Not just when something shiny pops up.” He straightened up, shaking his head. “Guess we should prepare to be in this for the long haul.” Purple Heart looked at his friend for a long time, a blank expression on his face. The Mane Six looked at the purple earth pony in puzzlement, confused by his reaction. A silence fell on the group as all eyes were fixed on the barbarian pony. Then he blinked and the expression darkened.

“Hmm,” Purple Heart grunted. “Continue then.”

The mayor, confused by the strange twists of the conversation, fought to drag his eyebrow out of the clouds as he turned back to the purple alicorn, whom he felt was probably the sanest of the group. “Well as I said earlier, I’d be willing to offer some support. And, considering apparent equipment level of the bandits in the local area, I won’t argue if you wish to pick some of their leftover choice equipment.” He paused for a moment, considering the party. “I’ll also extend some basic credit that you could use to gather some basic supplies for any journeys ahead of you. I’d give you straight gold, but repairs have hurt our reserves some.”

“Great,” Wits End said, bowing his head slightly. “We’ll take you up on that credit. It sounds suspiciously like we’re gonna be heading to the capital.” As soon as Wits End finished his sentence, a quiet voice whispered into his mind along with the rest of the party’s: two simple but profound words.

“Leveled up.”

* * *

As the day went on, the six mares and three stallions split up to get themselves more acquainted with the townsfolk; talking to the ponies they came across, meeting up with each other by chance to share what they learned, and generally unwind after their well deserved victory. The sun had begun to dip towards the horizon by the time they all met up again at the Roads Crossed inn.

“So,” Rainbow Dash said after draining her tankard of cider, slamming it against the wooden table the party sat at, “what’d you all spend your experience on?” Purple Heart shifted in his seat and glanced around at the eight other ponies sitting with him.

“I was only able to spend my XP on one thing,” he grumbled. “Which irritates me greatly.” The Mane Six looked at the purple earth pony questioningly. Light Patch and Wits End watched their friend with interest. Purple Heart twisted his face into a grimace.

“Equip,” he mumbled. “Something to do with equipping an item during combat or something like that. It might have more connotations to it.” He looked into his mug and waited for his friends to poke fun.

“Oooooh!” Pinkie Pie was bouncing in her seat, a whipped cream mustache the only remaining trace of the desert that had been her meal. “What kind of equipping? Like, silly hats? Or maybe a fish as a scarf? Oh! Or maybe it’s like ‘E-Quip’, like a quip that starts with ‘e’? So something like ‘Exterminate’? Or-” She paused and glanced over at Wits End, who froze with his mug pressed to his lips. “Wait, how can you have stuff equipped like your hat and cape and stuff? Are you cheating, Minty Fresh?” Purple Heart rolled his eyes and pushed his seat back as he stood to go refill his mug.

Wits End opened his mouth to correct her, but stopped. He wouldn’t put it past Discord to suddenly revoke his ability to wear clothes if it were questioned, so he instead turned to Rarity. “What about you? Put any points into Profession: Dressmaker?”

Rarity smiled demurely. “Please darling, I’m sure I’ve already capped that skill, so it would be a pointless waste.” She sipped her tea. “Actually, I put my skill point into a summon object spell. I was thinking I could use it to summon ponyquins for me to use my manipulation magic on, along with other useful objects as the need arises. What about you, Wits End? How did you spend your point?”

“Something called ‘Imitate Skill’.” Wits End pushed his plate away slightly. “I’m not sure what it does, but it was my only option.” He sighed, reaching for his own mug of tea. “I’d have preferred something like Swordplay. Nothing more embarrassing than stating exactly how to perform a parry into a bind, and then rolling a natural one on the attack roll.” Purple Heart returned as his friend began speaking and chuckled, his mood lightening.

“Amen to that, sah,” the purple earth pony agreed. “And it’s ‘stord’, not ‘sword.’”

Wits End blinked slowly, his half-lidded eyes focused on the purple earth pony. “...No.”

Purple Heart grinned cheekily at his friend but didn’t press. Instead, he turned to Rainbow Dash.

“What about you?” he asked. “What’d you get from the level up?” Rainbow Dash went to take a drink but stopped when she realized her tankard was empty.

“Overwatch,” Rainbow Dash replied, standing to go refill her tankard. “Gives me a bonus to accuracy and damage while flying. I can’t wait to try it!”

“I got a buff ability and a debuff ability,” Light Patch chimed in between bites of his food. “The buff spell isn’t all that special, just makes you a little tougher and hit harder, probably why it’s only named Buff,” he finished with a shrug and bite. After chewing and swallowing he continued. “The debuff spell is a bit more interesting. It creates a small burst of noise; it doesn’t do a whole lot of damage, but has the chance to stun along with a couple status ailments. Probably not worth a whole lot, but it’s still better than nothing. What about you Fluttershy? You get anything interesting?”

Fluttershy sank into her seat, absentmindedly tucking a hair back into her mane. “Um, I got the ability to summon birds. I… don’t know how helpful it is, but I put my experience into healing better too.” She glanced over to Twilight under her mane. “Twilight? What about you?” Twilight sipped at her cider before placing the tankard back on the table.

“Heroic Aura,” the alicorn replied. “Enhances the abilities and feats of allies in my party. It also gives a bonus to defense. What about y-”

“Ooooh!” Pinkie squeaked, bouncing excitedly on her set. “Can I go next?!” Twilight blinked in surprise.

“Uh, sure,” she replied.

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. “Okay, so it’s sorta this thingy that makes a lot of noise and surprises other ponies when it happens, so it’s like a debuffery thing but it also does a little bit of damage, so it’s a debuffery-damagy mix; kinda like one of those cakes that’s two different cakes all swirled together, but-” She stopped, a small lightbulb appearing over her head. “Ohh! I can just show you guys! Watch!” Before anyone could react, Pinkie’s trademark party cannon was in her hooves, and fired confetti and sprinkles all over the table. “See? Like that!”

Wits End blinked, having taken the brunt of the multicolored blast. “This must be what getting hit by Color Spray feels like…” he muttered, shaking his head and dislodging a small wave of confetti from his cap. “Applejack, how ‘bout you finish us up while I try to regain my ability to process sounds and lights?” Applejack blinked a couple of times before responding.

“Sure,” she responded, only to pause and work her jaw for a few moments in an attempt to make her ears pop. Once done she carried on. “Ah’ picked a skill called ‘Hoofs of Steel’. Makes all of my hoof based attacks stronger. Not all that fancy, ah’m afraid. Figured I’d save that for my rope work,” she finished.

“So,” Twilight said, “I guess the big question is how we get to the capital from here? Anypony hear about anything they want to do on the way there?” Purple Heart shrugged.

“I’d like to find some more mobs to bash to get more experience,” the purple earth pony said. “Maybe I’ll find out what else my new skill can do.”

Wits End had his head tilted to one side, tapping it to dislodge glitter from his ear. “I heard about a library from a couple of the locals. If we’re gonna be stuck here for a while, I’d want to go check it out. Get a better sense for what we’re dealing with in this world.”

“Well, Perfect Profit was hoping we’d escort her to the capital; that was her next stop after here, and she’d heard that was quite possibly gonna be our next stop,” Light Patch said, finally managing to pick the last bit of confetti from his food. “She won’t be happy, but I’m sure she’d be willing to detour with us as we head towards the library, and I’m sure we’ll find plenty of fights to pick along the way,” he finished before quickly scarfing the rest of his food before anything else could happen to it.

Wits End shook his head. “Perfect Profit’s a merchant, isn’t she? Her livelihood depends on getting from market to market as soon as possible. We shouldn’t make her wait for us.” He picked a sprinkle out from between his eyelashes. “All that time reading Spice & Wolf finally pays off,” he muttered.

“What makes you so sure she’d be willing to make a detour anyway, Light Patch?” Twilight asked. Light Patch suddenly looked fairly nervous.

“Uh, well I’m not sure, but uh,” he gulped, “I think she might be developing a small,” his face began to turn red and his gaze lowered to his empty plate. “I think she might have a small crush on me for some reason.”

Wits End raised an eyebrow, a malicious smile spreading over his face. “And you gave me flak for something as small as a conversation with Twilight Sparkle. Need any advice from your senpai in the art of wooing there, Tamaki?” Purple Heart choked on his drink and started coughing. Before long, it shifted into full blown, rolling on the floor laughter.

“Shut up,” Light Patch sullenly muttered still staring at his empty plate, the giggles he could hear around the table not helping his blush any.

Twilight tapped a hoof on the table; hoping she was able to hide her smile behind wiping her mouth with a napkin. “In any case,” she said, “why don’t we split up for a little bit? Wits End can check out the library, Purple Heart can go hunting for some more things to fight, and you can have some…” she coughed, “quality time with Perfect Profit.” Purple Heart frowned at the alicorn.

“One,” he said. “You have a cruel sense of humor, Twilight. Two, you did not just say we should split the party. Again for that matter.”

Wits End looked up from a hushed conversation with Pinkie Pie, in which the word ‘shipping’ appeared more than once. “As much as I agree that splitting the party is dangerous, if Discord wanted us to travel together, he wouldn’t have set up three separate distractions for us like this.” He thought for a moment. “Besides, Twilight can use her telepathy thing to act as an alarm in case something goes wrong for any one party. The other two could be there as backup in an hour or two.”

“Thats too long!” Light Patch suddenly said, leaning heavily over the table at the mint green unicorn. “Twilight’s telepathy thing is just the equivalent of screaming really loud before the monster eats you with that amount of time. At best, we’d get there and not have been needed. Realistically, we’d most likely be mounting a rescue mission.” Light Patch paused to suck in a breath before calming down a little. “At worst, we’d be too tired from the run to fight and die ourselves,” Light Patch finally finished, sitting back down.

“If you’re quite finished,” Wits End said, sitting back up in his seat. “Think of it in terms of someone actually running a campaign like this. We just fought a boss battle and finished a major story arc, and we have the destination of where the next one begins. You’re not gonna throw another super dangerous enemy at your players right away; it’d just annoy your players that they don’t have any down time. I say we take advantage of Discord giving us this break before we jump into another place where there’s actually danger.”

“Although I’m still acclimating to the fact that we’re continuing this madness,” Purple Heart spoke up, “having a small break between major shenanigans would be good. Particularly for our sanity.” He paused, looking at the Mane Six.. “Welp, your sanity.” He gestured to himself and the two stallions. “I’m pretty sure ours is already shot to carp.”

“Fine, I guess it makes sense to split the parties. Just note for the record I’m under protest about this, and reserve any and all rights to copious use of the sentence ‘I told you so’ if things go horribly wrong.” Light Patch paused. “And I’ll grant the obvious return rights of getting to make me eat my own words should this work out as you predict,” he grudgingly finished.

Fluttershy raised a hoof. “Um, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think Discord would actually try to really hurt any of us. He… he’s playing a game with us, so he wants us to have as much fun as he is.” She glanced around at the other ponies. “Uh… that’s all.”

Light Patch gave a small smile to Fluttershy. It didn’t really help, but he couldn’t fault her for trying. “Well, I guess now we need to figure out how we’re splitting the groups, huh? Considering Purple Heart’s plan, it might be wise for Fluttershy to go with him and his group. I’d go, but....” he trailed off.

“You have a fair maiden to woo,” Wits End cut in, waggling his eyebrows. “The heart wants what the heart wants, I’m sure.” He coughed. “In all seriousness, that’s probably for the best. Maybe I should take-”

Twilight cleared her throat loudly.

Wits End blinked. “I should take-”

Twilight coughed, causing a few other patrons to look around for the source of the noise.

Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line. “Twilight, would you like to go to the library with me?”

“Oh, thank you for offering,” Twilight said kindly, smiling at the mint-colored unicorn.

“A chance for you two to be alone in a library eh?” Light Patch asked a grin etched into his face. Purple Heart facehoofed.

“Careful...don’t push them,” he muttered.

Twilight leveled a glare at the pegasus. “I’m in this for the books. Who knows what kind of literature this world has? Besides,” she looked down at the table, “that bandit chief said some stuff about Alicorns. I want to know if its true.”

“That’s fair. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for,” Light Patch said before turning to the unicorn stallion, his face taking on a serious and sorrowful expression. “I am sorry buddy. It’s gotta hurt to be dumped for a pile of bound paper with ink on it,” he finished, obviously fighting to keep his face serious.

Wits End narrowed his eyes at the grey pegasus. “Worry about your own romantic sideplot, Patchy. You’re heading right toward a bad ending.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow; she knew better than to ask the question however. “I think I’ll go with Twilight and Wits End. If you two have another spat like ya’ll did when th’bandits were attakin’, you’re gonna need somepony to keep you two grounded.”

Pinkie Pie looked up from a somewhat hushed conversation with Rarity. “I think I’ll go with Patchy.”

Rarity nodded. “Which means I’ll be travelling with Fluttershy and Purple Heart. As much as I abhor needless violence, I might find some materials to accent this outfit.” She made a sweeping gesture toward her clothing. “It needs a little more… pizzazz, don’t you think?”

Rainbow Dash looked around the table and sighed. “I guess that leaves me on boring old guard duty…”

“You just had to poke Murphy didn’t you?” Light Patch asked, glaring at Rainbow Dash. “We’re gonna get ambushed or something now, I just know it.” he whimpered as his head flopped to the table.

Wits End leaned back in his chair. “It sounds suspiciously like we’ve got our new parties figured out. In the morning, we can get the supplies we’ll need for the journey, and we can get on our way.” Purple Heart nodded in agreement.

“Sounds like a plan,” he said. “I’m gonna turn in then. I’ll need to be properly refreshed if I’m gonna stomp some mobs.” The purple earth pony downed the last of his drink and stood. “Gnoighters to yous ponies.” He turned to walk towards the stairs that led to the rooms on the second floor and clopped up the stairs.

“That’s probably a good idea,” Wits End agreed, taking one last sip of his tea. “No point in setting out sleep deprived.” He hopped out of his chair and followed the purple earth pony up the stairs, catching himself from tripping halfway up.

“Yeah, it’s getting late. I’m gonna go pretend to be dead until morning in my bed,” Light Patch said, getting up from his spot at the table. He paused and wheeled back around to look at Rainbow Dash. “Tomorrow I’m teaching you all about Murphy and his laws,” he finished before turning and disappearing up the stairs.

The remaining mares stayed awake for some time, catching each other up on what adventures they had been on while separated. One by one, they made their own excuses to sleep, and made their way to bed.

* * *

Far above the village of Roads Crossed, floating in a bubble that was invisible to the naked eye was Discord. The draconequus smiled bemusedly down at the nine ponies as they prepared for bed. The chaotic entity had been vastly entertained by the antics of the ponies and was greatly satisfied with how his little scheme was unfolding. The mint-colored unicorn amused Discord to no end and the grey pegasus kept getting crit’d by his own hammer, but the purple earth pony seemed particularly unsatisfied with how things were running. He constantly became irritated by every little poke of fun Discord made at him. Discord had thought that hitting that Wandering Pine in the knee with that arrow had been hilarious and considered the Soviet War Bear to be a rather spiffy addition to his resume. These encounters obviously hadn’t been amusing for the purple stallion. Discord sighed as he took a bite out of his cotton candy chocolate milk raincloud on a stick.

“Guess you can’t please everypony,” he mused thoughtfully. “He must not have a sense of humor. Now, how can I make this seem more interesting and engaging?” Discord lolled in his lounge and cast his gaze around the bubble he had taken up residence in. A number of bookshelves hung in the air at odd angles about the bubble. A large table that Discord used to manipulate the NPCs of the game was cluttered with all sorts of strategic paraphernalia. A plush chair rested against a wall buried in letters from Celestia. Ole’ Fussy had been sending him letters almost non-stop after she had learned of the Mane Six’s disappearance. He wasn’t sure exactly how she had made the discovery, only that she knew. Thankfully, she hadn’t brought the full of her and Luna’s power to bear against him, or else the game would have had to been postponed.

“I’d better find a way to make sure Sunbutt doesn’t butt in on my fun,” Discord hummed, taking another bite of his cotton candy chocolate milk raincloud. “I’ll have to strengthen the field to keep her and Moonlips out.” The draconequus snapped the fingers of his free hand, instantly adding several more layers to the already powerful force field that kept him cozy and safe within his little game. He reached to his side table and picked up a glass of a fizzy liquid with a crazy straw poking over the rim. Slurping noisily, he considered the possible ways to make Purple Heart enjoy the game more…

Aha! Perhaps a swarm of Dragons for him to shout at! …No, that seems a bit cliché. Oh! A pleasant jaunt through snake infested swamp marshes! Ah, afraid not. Discord already had one of those set up somewhere south of Ponyville and hated to repeat himself… Oho, now that was a thought…Villains befitting of the Colt Trio…that would certainly make that purple barbarian enjoy himself.

Chuckling at his brilliance, Discord snapped his fingers. A trio of melon-sized balls popped into existence before him. He tapped each one with a claw, imbuing them with the qualities of villains that only the three stallions could imagine. The orbs whizzed away in different directions to grow to maturity and to wait until they were summoned. In just a few days, they would be at their max potential. Discord reclined back on his lounge chair and sipped at his drink, eager to see how the coming events would unfold…

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Purple Heart, Wits End

Chapter 20: You Never Split the Party

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 20: You Never Split the Party

The parties were gathered at the edge of town. Each one was fully loaded up with all of the supplies they needed for their respective journeys. Wits End tightened down the ropes holding their supplies in the wagon with his teeth, muttering something about it going to be a pain in the future. Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes, checking off the last of the items on a checklist. After a quick glance around, she grabbed a small pastry out of their supplies, stuffing the sugary treat into her mouth with enthusiasm. Rounding out the magic-heavy party, Applejack was busy securing her saddle to the wagon, ready to take the first turn pulling their load.

Light Patch was watching Pinkie Pie hop in place as she chattered excitedly about all of the fun their group was gonna have together. The pegasus stallion adjusted his web of pouches belts and bag as he pondered a question in his mind. Rainbow Dash hovered above watching Pinkie Pie’s antics as well and trying to not ponder the same thing as Light Patch. Just how could Pinkie Pie hop like that with all of those supplies in her saddlebag? Perfect Profit was just finishing a last second check of her cart and goods before getting ready to pull it once again.

Purple Heart stood to one side, hacking and coughing repeatedly as he tried to clear his throat. Fluttershy looked at the purple earth pony in concern. Rarity stood beside the yellow pegasus, frowning at Purple Heart worriedly. The newly formed party were probably the least encumbered group as their gear consisted primarily of bandages and health poultices to be used on any injuries they acquired while on their mob search.

“Is something wrong, Mr Heart?” Fluttershy asked softly. The purple stallion cleared his throat loudly.

“Must’ve eaten some kind of dairy product last night,” he grunted. “But I don’t remember doing so...”

Light Patch looked up from his thoughts and over at his friend. “Wait, you’re lactose intolerant?” Purple Heart twisted his muzzle into a grimace.

“It’s not that I can’t eat or drink dairy,” the purple stallion replied. “I just get congested because of it. Which can get annoying on occasion. But I didn’t consume any dairy last night. So, I’m a little confused. Somepony must’ve done something. Can’t think of anypony who would know though...” He drifted off, embroiled in his inner thoughts.

“Could just be allergies acting up on you. I get that every now and then myself. One day I’m fine, the next day it’s like someone shoved corks in my nose,” Light Patch Responded.

“Welcome to Caverns & Cutie Marks,” Wits End said dryly, spitting the rope out of his mouth. “Where we discuss the things that make our bodies produce mucus. Who’d like to go next?” He glanced over at Twilight. “How about you?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “How about no?”

Wits End shrugged. “Fair enough.” Pinkie started waving a foreleg in the air.

“Oooh, oooh me me? Can I go next?” she asked. Purple Heart’s snort of amusement turned into a racking cough that sent his body shivering.

Rarity placed a hoof gently over her eyes, beginning to wonder if it was too late to open up a boutique in Roads Crossed instead of adventuring. “Please don’t, Pinkie dear.” Purple Heart stepped forward towards the road that led in a roundabout fashion to their intended destination.

“I don’t know about you guys,” he wheezed. “But I’d like to get going. Now, before you say anything-” He glared at Wits End. “-I’m going left.”

“I wasn’t gonna say anything,” Wits End said with mock innocence. “But in honor of your nasal passages, I have a standing order for you.”

Purple Heart rolled his eyes skyward, as if pleading for something to strike the snarky unicorn where he stood. “Don’t miss? Go left? ‘I was busy'?”

Wits End raised an eyebrow with a smirk. “Stop dying.”

Purple Heart glared at the minty-colored pony with a burning annoyance. “Of course he says that,” he snarled. Breathing through his mouth, the purple stallion began trotting down the left trail leading from Roads Crossed. Rarity tsked in annoyance and moved to embrace Twilight.

“Be careful,” the white unicorn said softly, placing a hoof on the alicorn’s shoulder.

“You too,” Twilight said back, wrapping a hoof around the unicorn’s shoulders. Rarity stepped away and embraced the rest of the Mane Six, save Fluttershy. In time, Rarity and Fluttershy trotted away to follow Purple Heart who stood waiting patiently several yards away. When the pair reached the purple stallion, Purple Heart raised his hoof in salute to his comrades.

“When you reach the capital,” he boomed impressively, despite his corked nostrils. “Look to my coming at first light of the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.” He then turned and galloped away, leaving six confused mares, one irritated unicorn, and a seething pegasus in his wake. It took a second for Fluttershy and Rarity to realized that the tank of their group was quickly disappearing and when they did, they hurried to catch up with the shrinking figure. Twilight sniffed in surprised, a strange smell nipping at her nose. She had no idea what it was but if she were to put a name to it, she would’ve called it ‘smug’.

Light Patch was working very hard to not grind his teeth to stumps or use certain choice words. “I had something planned and then he pulls a stunt like that and completely steals the show and stops me dead as a graveyard.” Pinkie Pie hopped over and laid a foreleg over his neck.

“You could still do it for those of us still here,” Pinkie said smiling. Light Patch gently removed Pinkie’s leg from his neck before shaking his head.

“Meh, the moments dead and he killed it.” Light Patch finished pointing dramatically towards where the purple stallion had been. “See ya’ll later and stay safe. We’ll meet you in the capital,” he said to the remaining ponies.

Wits End raised his hoof in a lazy salute. “Until we meet again on the fields of battle, sir. I look forward to unleashing laser monkeys and razorwire grenades on your sorry corpse.” He glanced to one side, spotting the looks on Twilight’s and Rainbow Dash’s faces. “What? Isn’t that what friends do?”

Pinkie paused for a moment, “I thought it was itching powder and spring snake pies?”

“Same thing,” Wits End said with a shrug.

Rainbow Dash looked between the two stallions. “You two are weird.” Perfect Profit turned to look at the ponies who would be journeying to the capital with her.

“I’m ready to go when you are. Though, if you want to get to a good camping spot for the night, we’d better get moving now,” she said, now hitched up to her cart. Light Patch nodded and looked to Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash for their own nods.

“Well then, away we go,” he said before starting out with his group on the road to the capital.

Applejack held her hooves in front of her mouth. “Be careful!” she shouted at the backs of the leaving ponies.

Wits End yawned, covering his mouth with a hoof. “Well, unless anypony has any objections, I guess we can get this show on the road.”

“The sooner the better,” Twilight agreed, starting out on their own road. “I’d like to get to the library as soon as possible.”

“I’m in complete agreement,” Wits End said with a smile. “I need context for what’s going on in this campaign.”

“Just so long as ya’ll don’t get distracted by suckin’ on each other’s faces,” Applejack said slyly.

Wits End’s smile fell clean off his face as he looked at the orange earth pony. “I thought we dropped that, Orangejack.”

“Watch it, Minty Fresh.”

Twilight sighed, hanging her head. “This is gonna be a looooong walk.”

ARC ONE: COMPLETE

Chapter 21: Trust Issues

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 22: Squid Bait

“So that’s Murphy and those are his laws,” Light Patch finished with his explanation of Murphy’s laws. Rainbow Dash sighed in relief and, to the stallion’s surprise, Pinkie seemed to be lost in some fairly deep thoughts. Suddenly she raised her hoof, as if she’d been a student with a question. “Yes, Pinkie,” Light Patch asked, pointing at the mare, “you have a question?”

“Isn’t that a terribly pessimistic point of view from which to live one’s life? Also, according to Try Hard’s book on luck and magic, doesn’t that much negative thought cause the magic surrounding the pony to generate more unlucky instances of chance rather than good ones?” Pinkie finished, pushing her glasses up. Perfect Profit was looking back at Pinkie with a look of utter surprise on her face. Rainbow Dash had turned the conversation out a long time ago, only half listening so she could nod or yep when appropriate. She just rolled her eyes at Pinkie’s question. It’s just Pinkie being herself.

“Yes and,” the grey stallion shrugged, “I haven’t a clue, don’t know a lot about magic. I’ve also not read Try Hard’s book, sounds like a real page turner though. I’d probably have to try hard to put it down.” The stallion finished, grinning like a fool at his traveling companions. Rainbow Dash groaned, and Perfect Profit sympathy chuckled. Pinkie, however, looked thoughtful for a few seconds.

“I don’t get it,” she finally responded looking confused, causing Perfect Profit and Light Patch to stop dead, and Rainbow Dash almost fell out of the sky from surprise. Pinkie Pie to not get a joke, Rainbow Dash looked back at her pink friend. Either his joke was worse than I thought or… With a snort, Pinkie fell over into the cart and began howling with laughter.

“You three should have seen your faces,” the pink party pony managed to gasp out between gales of laughter. After a few minutes, she reappeared from inside the merchant’s cart and draped herself over an edge. “But seriously Patch Work, I think you should leave the puns to the professionals, like me or Minty Fresh.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Light Patch mumbled. The group continued chatting as they followed the road and the river besides it. They paused for a short lunch by the river before getting back on the road, Perfect Profit urging the group onwards with as much haste as could be spared, responding to questions with only a ‘you’ll see’.

They reached the edge of a forest as the sun began its final descent towards the horizon. Yellows, oranges and purples just starting to tint the skies. “We’re in luck,” the pinto merchant chimed in. “We’re gonna get to the campsite I’ve got in mind before dark. It’s only a few more minutes trot from this road. We’re going to have to leave the forest path to get to it, though,” she said, a fresh trot in her step. With a sigh, Rainbow Dash set down and trotted along side the grey pegasus as they followed the merchant into the tree line.

“What’s so great about this spot anyway?” Light Patch asked, quickening his pace so he was alongside Perfect Profit.

“You’ll see. It’s just right over here,” she said, turning off the road. “I use it all of the time when I take this route,” she noted, carefully working her cart through the foliage. Light Patch and Rainbow Dash glanced at each other with annoyance but carried on after her all the same. After another minute of working through the forest, they broke out into a small clearing. On one side there was a cliff face over which trickled a stream which followed a small trough. There were some old stone walls framing the two sides of the cliff making it look as if a building had stood against the cliff face at one point.

“The small waterfall there is perfect for refilling the water skins, and there's plenty of safe to eat stuff growing wild over there.” She walked past a small indent in the ground filled some with ashes. “That makes a perfect place for a fire.” Light Patch found himself having to agree with Perfect Profit; it was just about the perfect campsite, in so far as he could tell with his limited camping knowledge. It just feels too easy, too perfect of a set up, he mentally noted, glancing around. Maybe it’s just because I talked about Murphy’s Laws earlier but I can’t seem to shake the if it sounds too good to be true… He glanced around the camp as the others gathered around the cart.

“Okay, so who’s gonna do what in setting up the camp?” Pinkie asked, jumping out of Profit’s cart.

“I’ve got to secure my cart and goods, but then I can start the fire,” Perfect Profit said, already working to unhitch herself from the cart.

“Not a problem,” Rainbow Dash cut in, “I’ll take care of that fire. In fact, I’ll have it going in-”

“Ten seconds flat?” the grey pegasus finished for her. Rainbow Dash glared down at the pegasus.

“What, no? I was gonna say in a flash,” the cyan pegasus finished before darting into the forest to gather wood for the fire.

“I’ll cook,” Pinkie said, digging into the party’s supplies and darting towards the mentioned wild food stocks, simultaneously.

“Well, I guess that means I’ve gotta set up the tents then,” Light Patch murmured, turning to look at the two rolls. This is gonna end in tears, the stallion thought to himself before digging into the task at hoof. Rainbow Dash returned with the firewood in short order, and true to her word had the fire going in a flash of lightning. Pinkie re-emerged from the forest shortly after and began to cook. Perfect Profit finished checking her goods and securing the wagon and then began to help Pinkie cook, Rainbow Dash joining the two near the fire after doing some basic exercises. It was a few more minutes before they realized that Light Patch was a bit on the quiet side. With quick glances of horror at each other, they all turned expecting to see Light Patch in some form of mortal combat with the tents. Pinkie, at least, was disappointed however to see two perfectly set up tents and one unharmed pegasus stallion staring at them. Rainbow dash flitted over and poked him in the side.

“What's wrong, Patch, they look at you strangely?” she asked, hovering next to him. Shaken from his thoughts, he glanced around before spotting Rainbow.

“No, just surprised that I managed to set them up without accidents.” He paused as if thinking for a moment. “I do need help finding the other tents; these were the only two I could find.” Rainbow Dash looked at the grey pegasus in surprise before she zipped off to check the cart. Light Patch turned to see the same look of shock on the coffee and tan colored merchant. Pinkie, however, had turned back to working on the food.

“Don’t bother, Dashie. I only bought the one tent. I figured you and I could share one and Coffee Bean and Patch Work could share the other one.” She paused to taste the food she was working on. “It also let me bring more cupcake material,” Pinkie commented offhandedly, turning around from dinner to see Perfect Profit and Light Patch glance at each other, before quickly turning away, both ponies faces glowing bright red. “Anyway, dinners ready, so lets chow down before it gets cold!” she finished already busy dishing up bowls.

Rainbow floated over and took her bowl before grabbing a seat next to the fire. Why did I agree to let Pinkie purchase the supplies again? she mentally asked herself before deciding it was no use dwelling on now and dug into dinner.

After a few seconds of hesitation the last two of the group trotted over and sat across the fire from each other. Light Patch, in no hurry to feed the figurative fire, looked down at his meal only to freeze. “Wow,” he stated looking down at the food. “I’m impressed Pinkie,” he continued, “You seem to have managed to use just about every food I don’t like in here. Onions, tomatos in their pure form, and is that.” the stallion took a hefty sniff. “Cinnamon, you even had cinnamon in here. I must applaud your ingenuity.” The stallion briefly clapped before starting to eat. It wasn’t his favorite but he had to admit it wasn’t bad either. Pinkie beamed at the compliment.

After a few moments of silence Perfect Profit asked the first question. “So, what got the three of you into adventuring?” The other three of the group glanced at each other before turning back to the merchant.

“For adventure!” Pinkie Pie said, jumping up and brandishing her spoon like a sword.

I’m not surprised at that from her, the merchant thought a small smile on her face. She took another bite and turned to the other mare. “What about you?”

“I,” the rainbow-maned pegasus paused, searching for words, “wanted to prove myself, you know? And train my skills better than I could at home just practicing with ponies who barely even match my skill level,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’d like to be as good as one of my heroes is,” she finished, thinking of Daring Do. “Well, that and some pony had to keep an eye on my friends while they adventure, so I figured I’d cut out the middle pony and go with them myself.”

“And what about you?” Perfect Profit said, turning to the last member of their little group.

Light Patch panicked slightly. Okay, it shouldn’t be too hard. I just need to come up with something believable. He quickly spooned up a large amount of the food, continued to ignore the fact he could swivel his ears, and thought before finally beginning. “I grew up as an orphan in a small remote monastery. I was taught to heal both magically and the more mundane way.” He paused for another bite and more time. “I was also taught to defend myself. I was taught to help any and all, but the monastery didn’t do a whole lot of that. Other than the few that could make it to our little monastery, who usually didn’t need a whole lot of help in any case, we never left unless we needed something. After an argument too far, I gathered what gear I could and set out to actually do some good.” He was gonna stop there but a little light clicked on in his head and he quickly tacked on, “I was also hoping to find somepony to help me with my flying. All of the ponies at the monastery were earth or unicorn ponies. I was the only pegasus; I figured out some basics but never how to fly.”

“Well, don’t worry too much. If I can teach Twilight how to fly I’m sure I can help you,” Rainbow said, setting her empty bowl aside. She gave a small burp which only caused Pinkie Pie to beam with satisfaction. “Sorry ‘bout that, ” she apologized with a roll of her eyes, knowing that Rarity would be proud of her reaction. “So, what got you into merchanting?” the pegasus mare asked. The pinto-coated merchant quickly finished off her dinner before responding.

“Well, partly because it was the family business. Mom and dad were both merchants. And their parents before them, so you could say gold is in my blood.” Profit said. She jumped when a sharp gasp interrupted her.

“Oh wow! Gold in the blood! Wait, does that mean your blood is gold colored rather than red? Or would it be blue... No wait that’s for nobles.” Pinkie paused her ramblings when she noticed the group giving her stink eye. Heh, stink eye. Thats funny. So would being able to smell with your eye. Actually, that could be pretty cool- Oooh, would that mean I could see fear? Or smell the things I see and see the things I smell? She once again noticed her friends looking at her. Oh, right. “Heh, sorry, carry on.” Perfect Profit cleared her throat and picked up about where she left off.

“But I’m really a merchant because of all of the numbers. I...” She hesitated, unsure if she should go on. “I really like math; the way it all works out. And all of the fancy equations, and that they can give useful results even though they look like they shouldn’t. I just find it a lot of fun.”

“I’d bet you and Twilight would get along fairly well,” Rainbow Dash noted in an attempt to still seem interested in the chat.

“Yeah, you two could talk numbers all day. She’d probably even help you figure out how to increase your profit margin while shrinking your upkeep costs and completely decentralize your distribution model. Then the two of you could work on re-inventing your ability to-” Pinkies ramblings were cut off for the fourth time that day.

“Okay, now you're just throwing out buzzwords,” The grey pegasus noted, causing the pink mare to simply smile before they all laughed. The conversation carried on past the sunset and partly into the moon rise.

Finally, the coffee and tan colored mare figured it was time to pack it in for the night. “If we’re gonna set out at sunrise tomorrow we should probably get some rest,” she said.

“Ooh, good idea. Come on, Dashie, lets hit the hay!” Pinkie said, grasping the blue pegasus so as to leave no room for argument, dragging her off to their tent she turned to look at the other two. “Try to not stay up too late,” she sing-songed and popped into the tent, leaving the other two ponies to blush and avoid each other’s gaze out of embarrassment.

That mare is as about as subtle as a sack of hammers in a glass forge, Light Patch mentally noted. After another moment, he managed to look at the merchant mare. “I think we should, have one of us stay up to watch, for trouble, you know. Just in case,” he managed to stutter out. Perfect Profit glanced at him then quickly looked away nodding. “I’ll take the first watch. You go on and head to sleep. I’ll wake Pinkie in a bit,” He said, noticing the merchant nod before she quickly disappeared into the tent.

With nothing to do but feed the fire every now and then and keep an eye and ear out for danger, his mind wandered. He glanced around at the campsite checking the tents, his ears swiveling around like turrets, not that he left himself dwell on that though. The more he looked at the perfection of the campsite, the more his earlier suspicions nagged at his mind. If this is such the perfect camping spot it is, he thought considering the area, why is it so far off the path? It doesn’t stand to reason; there should be so many ponies flocking to use this site the path should have migrated to be next to it. Or at least a more prominent trail should show the way. Heck, this place should probably be crawling with bandits, the stallion noted.

A loud crack interrupted his thoughts, and with the slight shift of the ground under the camp everything made sense. The shade, the almost perfect natural fire pit, the small stream with a fall perfect for refilling waterskins. The wild food that probably didn’t have any business growing wild, let alone here. The ground shifted slightly again. Suddenly unable to find his words, the pegasus stallion scrambled over to where Pinkie and Rainbow’s tent was and began trying to prod them both awake. With a groan, Pinkie stirred and turned over to look at who dared to disturb her sleep.

“You’re poking the wrong bed Patch Work, Perfect Profit is over there,” she’d begun to say before she caught a glimpse of the terror on his face. “What, is something wrong?” Light Patch began to rapidly nod, surprised nothing had happened yet. “Are you scared of the dark? Don’t worry, Auntie Pinkie will-” Light Patch began to vigorously shake his head. “Well, if it’s not that then what's wrong? Spit it out, but not literally, that would be gross.” Light Patch plugged her mouth with his hoof and looked her right in the eyes.

“It’s a trap,” he wheezed out just before it sprung. With a mighty crescendo, the ground suddenly flipped over, engulfing their whole camp in darkness. With screams of terror, the group fell through the darkness. Before anypony could react, they all bounced off giant mushrooms in different directions.

Perfect Profit lifted herself from the floor, trying to ignore her body’s displeasure for her actions. She was about to ask what happened when her cart smashed into the ground in front of her. She heard other pieces of their camp clatter to the ground around her, along with the groaning of the others.

To the groups fortune, however, some of the pieces of wood from their campfire were still burning, allowing them all to get a better look at their surroundings. “Everypony who’s not dead or unconscious sound off,” Light Patch groused, quickly healing himself before moving to the nearest torch. A chorus of groans echoed back.

Rainbow Dash threw herself into the sky with a flourish and made way towards one of the still burning pieces of wood, glancing at the tree-sized mushrooms around them. “So what happened?”

“We fell for somepony’s trap card.” Light Patch deadpanned as the fabric of one of the tents fell over him.

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 23: Stuffy Pony is Stuffy

“I swear,” Purple Heart hissed in annoyance. “This is irritating the bleeding carp outta me!”

Rarity and Fluttershy watched worriedly as their purple companion fell into another bout of body wracking coughing. The group of ponies had been on the road for almost a full day, most of which was spent searching for battle-worthy creatures to ‘farm’ experience from as Purple Heart had so eloquently put it. Not only had they augmented their knowledge of combat, they had also inflated their purses from the coin drops of some creatures, in addition to learning a great deal about each other. When they found a merchant, they would be able to sell any ingredients or drops they had collected up until that point. Now they were trotting down a wide road lined with forest on both sides.

Purple Heart grunted and snorted, trying to bring the stubborn phlegm into his throat so that he could expel it from his body. Never before had he experienced such blockage in his nasal area, even after the consumption of dairy products.

“GAH!” He roared, startling the two mares behind him, along with a flock of birds residing in the trees. “This is getting ridiculous!” Rarity and Fluttershy shared a concerned look. Something was definitely wrong with the tattooed earth pony, of that they were certain. But they had no idea what was causing Purple Heart to have such congestion. He had taken to muttering under his breath several hours ago, cursing cheese and any other dairy product he could think of. This bout of congestion was the most violent case of stuffy nose that Rarity and Fluttershy had seen. And they had no idea how to help the suffering stallion.

Rarity nodded to Fluttershy and they both hurried into a gallop that brought them to stand in front of the coughing Purple Heart as they rounded a bend in the path. The white fashionista unicorn stepped towards the third member of their party and cleared her throat.

“De-... Purple Heart?” Rarity asked cautiously. “Are you alright dar-...er...dea-...hmm...are you alright?” The purple pony stopped and looked up, a furious scowl etched into his normally grim features.

“I dunno!” he hacked irritably. “I’ve never had congestion this bad before, not even after munching on a deep dish pizza! I must be allergic to something here. Royally. HOLY BLEEDING CARP!”

“Yes, yes,” Rarity sighed, rolling her eyes in exasperation. “You’re irritated beyond belief.” Purple Heart shook his head wildly, his mane flopping about like some wet mop.

“No seriously!” he screeched. “A bleeding carp!” Fluttershy smiled kindly at the purple stallion and trotted forward to pat him on the head.

“Shh,” she hushed. “It’s okay. I’m here.” A pair of hard cobalt-blue orbs turned to glare at the yellow pegasus. Fluttershy squeaked at the suddenly hostile gaze that had swung towards her.

“Seriously,” he ground out through gritted teeth. “A. Bleeding. Carp. Maybe raging on its sorry tail will clear my face.” Rarity and Fluttershy finally took the purple earth pony’s advice and followed his outstretched hoof that pointed behind them. The mares gasped in surprise. They saw several things.

A good distance in front of them, there was a capsized carriage sitting in a ditch beside the road. Even at this distance, the two mares could make out the snapping banners and intricate designs on the carriage’s sides. It obviously belonged to somepony of great wealth or standing. However, the massive copper fish with blood oozing from its forehead that was glaring down at the wreck grabbed Rarity and Fluttershy’s attention immediately.

“Oh,” Rarity said. “He’s right.” Purple Heart rolled his eyes sarcastically and charged forward, yelling at the top of his lungs to get the beast’s attention.

“Hey! You!” the purple stallion bawled. “Yes, you! Get your sorry tail over here so I can kick you right in your frilly fishy dress!” Part of Rarity was appalled at Purple Heart’s choice of words but the other part was in awe of how fast the purple pony had rushed into combat. The white unicorn turned to see her confused expression mirrored on Fluttershy’s face.

“Well,“ Rarity scoffed. "That was a non-sequitur if I ever saw one."

“He really does like rushing into things,” Fluttershy whispered. “What happened to him?” Rarity shrugged, turning to watch the combat between Purple Heart and the Carp begin.

“I think he snapped,” the fashionista responded.

Purple Heart knew that he was coming off as aggressive and violent to the two mares, but he had no idea why. His mood was exceptionally sour at the moment, even for him.

What is wrong with me? the purple stallion thought to himself as he joined combat with the massive Carp. I’m not usually this congested, or tetchy for that matter. My nose is killing me. I must’ve tried to inhale some kind of cheese instead of eat it. His train of thought was derailed when the Carp tried to grapple with him. Purple Heart promptly used his interrupt action to reverse the grapple and turn it upon the Carp. He tightened his forehooves around the Carp, silently thanking the RPG Gods for the earlier conflicts. During them, he had learned a great deal more about the intricacies and nuances of combat in this world as well as got a good idea of Fluttershy and Rarity’s abilities. Chuckling to himself, Purple Heart waited for the turn to change before he hurled the Carp against a tree.

“I’m afraid not,” he chortled in an outrageous accent as he barreled after the flying fish, intent on beating it to a squishy pulp. Rarity and Fluttershy trotted around the combat grid to the capsized carriage. They knew that the purple stallion would be able to handle himself in combat. Talking to other ponies however…that was up for debate.

“Ow,” a soft voice mumbled from within the carriage. “Is anypony out there?”

“Hold on,” Rarity called, speeding into a canter. “We’ll have you out in no time. Fluttershy dear, would you be so kind as to call Purple Heart over? I think that poor Carp is unconscious after all that kicking.” Fluttershy bobbed her head an agreement and shot over to the purple earth pony. Rarity turned her attention to the carriage and enforced her magic upon the door. Hinges screeched as the heavy wooden door was heaved free and tossed to one side. Rarity peaked inside the carriage.

“Are you alright, dear?” the white unicorn asked kindly. There was a mare inside the carriage, her simple gown arrayed around her like some peaceful pond of green. Her mane was a jumble of red curls that bobbed when her head moved. The rest of her was a bright gold that seemed to glitter in the fading sunlight. A horn stood gracefully on her brow, poking up betwixt her curls. The mare looked up, tears shimmering in her eyes. She opened her mouth to answer but stopped when Purple Heart appeared.

“I’d like to see a dorf do that,” he chortled happily. From his tone, Rarity guessed that his congestion had been severely lessened. “Wits and Light will be soooo pissed off when I tell them...” The purple earth pony fell silent as he locked eyes with the golden unicorn below. Rarity and Fluttershy watched in growing amusement as the two ponies continued to stare at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Then Purple Heart cleared his throat, the manic light gone from his eyes.

“Um…” he grunted. “Who’re you?” The golden unicorn blinked and twisted her face into a frown.

“Who are you?” she countered. Purple Heart made a face to match the mare’s.

“Oh, no you don’t,” he growled. “Answering a question with a question isn’t fair.” The golden unicorn smiled slyly.

“So?” she giggled. Purple Heart rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Fine,” he grumbled. “My name is Purple Heart. Your turn.” Fluttershy and Rarity swiveled to look at the golden mare expectantly.

“I’m Amber Glitter,” the mare replied. “I’m the p-...hem, the maid to the Princess Opal.” Purple Heart cocked his head to one side, his brow furrowed.

“Hmm,” he mused, fixing the mare with a hard stare. “Where’s this princess then?” Amber averted her gaze, unnerved by the purple earth pony’s harsh gaze. Rarity noticed the motion and frowned.

“For heaven’s sake!” she snapped. “Stop looking at her like that! She’s obviously been traumatized!” Purple Heart snorted and walked away.

“Obviously,” he drawled in an oily voice. Rarity shot a glare after the pony and looked at Fluttershy.

“Go make sure he doesn’t blow us up, darling,” she said. Fluttershy nodded, understanding Rarity’s concern. Purple Heart was becoming more and more irrational for some reason. Better to keep an eye him than to let him roam free. Rarity massaged her temple with a hoof as she turned back to Amber Glitter. The golden mare had gotten shakily to her feet while Rarity had been berating Purple Heart and was watching the white unicorn with interest.

“Is he your coltfriend?” Amber asked bluntly. Rarity blinked in surprise.

So this is how Twi felt, she thought. Being paired with a pony you have no intention of pursuing. It’s horrible.

“He most certainly is not,” she retorted out loud. “He’s just an acquaintance.”

“I heard that,” Purple Heart barked from the other side of the carriage. Rarity rolled her eyes and smiled at the purple stallion’s reaction.

“We’re traveling together until we get to the capital,” Rarity explained. Amber nodded slowly.

“Oh,” the golden unicorn murmured. “I guess it would be too much to ask for your help.” Rarity pouted.

“It would not be too much,” she declared. “We’d be happy to help you. Erm, what do you need help with?”

“Some bandit ponies took the Princess and went deeper into the forest,” Amber said. “I’m sure she’ll reward you if you help me get her back.” Rarity nodded, smiling gently at the gold unicorn.

“We’d be happy to help you,” Rarity promised. “Reward or no.”

“Oh, Rarity,” Purple Heart called, deaf to the conversation. “Don’t tell her we’ll help if she asks for it. We don’t have time for side-side quests.” Rarity and Amber shared a knowing look and both smiled. Amber clambered out of the ruined carriage and the two unicorns trotted around to where Purple Heart lay, his chin resting on the ground. Fluttershy sat on the purple earth pony in an attempt to keep him from escaping. Rarity knew that Fluttershy would be hard pressed to keep Purple Heart in one spot. She had seen his incredible strength. Flinging Fluttershy away would be no problem for the hefty colt.

“Could you ask her to get off please?” Purple Heart grumbled, referring to the pegasus sitting on him. Rarity and Amber both covered their faces with a hoof and giggled at the earth pony’s predicament.

“Purple Heart, dear,” Rarity said, trying to stifle her amusement. “I have something to tell you.” Purple Heart looked at the white unicorn with one large blue eye and frowned.

“It’s bad?” he said flatly. “Isn’t it?”

“Why do you think that?” Amber inquired.

“She called me ‘dear’,” Purple Heart explained. “That’s the first time she’s called me that since we met. She even checked herself when she almost called me earlier. It’s bad.” Rarity smiled as Fluttershy and Amber giggled.

“We’re helping Amber find the Princess,” Rarity said. There was silence as the three mares watched Purple Heart with interest. The purple stallion looked up at Rarity, his expression blank.

“Wat?” he asked. Rarity’s smile widened.

“We’re helping Amber find the Princess,” Rarity repeated. Purple Heart was silent for a few moments as he digested the information before he eventually nodded and stood up, causing Fluttershy to slide off his broad back. With a squeak of surprise, Fluttershy flapped her wings and began to hover over Purple Heart, frowning at the purple earth pony.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought you said,” the purple earth pony grumbled. “Welp, I guess there’s nothing for it. Which way did the ponies who took the Princess go?” Amber blinked in surprise at the stallion’s change of heart before she pointed with hoof towards the deep forest.

“The bandits took her deeper into the forest,” the gold unicorn answered. “They took the guards with them too, but I’m not certain that they live.” Purple Heart groaned.

“Great,” he muttered. “More bandits.” The purple earth pony trotted into the forest, grumbling under his breath. As he departed, a small fanfare played over Purple Heart’s head and the phrase ‘Side-Quest Accepted’ appeared with it. The purple earth pony ignored the fanfare. Amber cocked her head to one side in confusion and turned to Rarity and Fluttershy.

“Is something wrong with him?” she asked, indicating at the retreating stallion. Rarity and Fluttershy shrugged.

“We don’t know,” Fluttershy replied softly. “He might just be mad about having to deal with more bandits.” Rarity nodded.

“We had a terrible run-in with a number of bandits a few days ago,” the white unicorn explained. “We saved an entire town from a bandit infestation and were on our way to the capital to find their sponsor.”

“Huh,” Amber mused. “Not very polite though, is he?” Rarity shook her head, her mane bouncing.

“Unfortunately not,” she sighed. “But we are stuck with him until we get to the capital.”

“Um,” Fluttershy chimed. “We should go after Purple Heart before he gets too far. He is the strongest in the party.” Rarity inclined her head in agreement and trotted in the direction Purple Heart had gone, looking back to the two mares behind her.

“Indeed he is,” she affirmed. “Let’s follow him then since he seems to know where he’s going.” Amber and Fluttershy followed the white unicorn into the forest after the purple earth pony, hoping that he wouldn’t rain some hell down on their heads.

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

Chapter 24: Cavern Tale

Pinkie Pie looked at the merchant mare who was standing by the remains of her cart. She frowned slightly at the look of despair on the merchant mare’s face. They had just finished gathering up what was left of their scattered supplies and trade goods. A lot of it was probably still hidden by the mushroom forest and darkness, and several things they did find were broken by the fall. Well, not the fall so much but, the stop at the end of it, Pinkie added mentally. She shook her head to focus once again. Perfect Profit was feeling down and there was only one pony who could fix this. And for once, it’s not Auntie Pinkie, she thought. A strange shiver of anticipation and discomfort worked it’s way down her spine; she savored it for a bit before jumping into action. She bounded over to the one pony who could fix this. With a mighty shove, she sent pushed Light Patch towards the merchant. The stallion stumbled over, trying to not fall, but having been caught unaware, failed to regain his balance in time to avoid slamming into the ruined cart and pitching over one of it’s sides.

“Hi,” the grey pegasus said pulling himself upright inside of the cart. “Pinkie thought I’d just, tap on over and see what’s up.” A smile tugged at the mare’s lips before it died.

“I was just thinking about what happens now,” she confessed.

“Well, next we get out of this cavern, then we find our wa-” The earth toned mare cut him off with a hoof.

“I meant to me,” she shouted, tears starting to flow. “I’m ruined! Hundreds of bits of goods have been destroyed! My cart is destroyed, and what few things have been salvaged are damaged or barely worth anything anyway,” she ranted.

Light Patch put a concerned look on his face and placed a hoof on Perfect Profit’s withers. “You are not ruined. You are, in a cavern with adventurers. I’ll drag the corpse of every creature we slay to the next market place if I have to! But you are not ruined. We won’t let that happen, I won’t let it happen.” He finished. the earth pony merchant wiped the last of the tears from her face. “Feeling better?”

“Yes, thank you,” she said

“Good. By the way. Did the cart, uh,” the pegasus paused, searching for words. “Did this cart hold any special meaning for you? Like, it was your father's or something?” The merchant quirked an eyebrow.

“No…” she answered tentatively, “not really. This is the fourth cart I’ve had,” she finished, still sniffling.

“Oh good, I was gonna suggest we use it for firewood to bring with us,” he said, rubbing the back of his head with a lopsided grin, which twisted to confusion as Perfect Profit suddenly broke down laughing. She had to cling to his neck to steady herself and keep from falling.

Pinkie, who had been watching the whole conversation, smiled. All according to Auntie Pinkie’s plans, she thought, turning back to her stew. Without a thought, she burst into a cackle, causing Rainbow Dash to jump up from the nap she had been taking.

* * *

The party had been trekking through the caverns slowly, using torches to light the way in lieu of unicorn magic. So far they had only encountered some basic underground creatures, none of which attempted to fight them. Light Patch was sure it was only a matter of time before they found something. Or if we’re unlucky it’ll find us, the stallion mentally added, glancing at the pegasus next to him.

“So, how do we even know we’re heading in the right direction?” Rainbow Dash asked, looking at one of the many tunnel entrances they’d passed. Light Patch grimaced at the mares question but responded.

“Frankly, we don’t. I’m working off my best guess and hoping one of you might have a better idea,” he quipped looking towards Pinkie Pie. A better idea like trusting Pinkie sense, for a thought.

“Then why are we following this route? If it shrinks anymore I’m gonna have to start walking,” Rainbow said, narrowly avoiding a stalagmite to emphasize her point.

“You could always hop!” Pinkie chimed in. “Ooh or bounce, or maybe skip. Or you could try Stotting.” At Rainbow Dash’s look of confusion she continued; Light Patch would have explained what it was if he wasn’t having to fight off laughing at the mental image of seeing Rainbow Dash stotting. “Stotting, pronking or pronging is basically when you launch into the air and pull all four hooves off the ground at once. It’s a pretty big thing to the Gazelles; they have huge competitions about it.” Perfect Profit moved up next to Light Patch as Rainbow Dash dug deeper into the new athletic competition she’d discovered.

“She had a good question, you know. Why are we following this cavern?”

“It seems to be heading the right way,” Perfect Profit quirked an eyebrow at the stallion’s response. “Onwards and upwards,” He finished flashing a cheesy smile. With a small groan and a rolling of her eyes, she drifted back to join the conversation between Pinkie and Dash. Muttering under his breath about critics, Light Patch focused on watching their chosen path for danger once more.

“Twitchy Twitch!” Pinkie screeched, tackling Perfect Profit to the side. Rainbow Dash flitted away from where she had been standing. Before Light Patch could react, however, a boulder slammed into the ground about where the others had been standing. He quickly readied his warhammer and turned just in time to see a large rock creature come out from hiding.

A grid flashed into existence, and a list of names dropped down from the darkness of the ceiling. “You have been ambushed by a Rock Golem,” came the discord-alike voice. The golem roared and threw the other bolder it was holding. Light Patch watched its arc for a few seconds before he realized who the troll aimed for.

“Dodge, dodge, I dodge!” Light Patch screamed pounding his fore hooves on the invisible barrier keeping him within the ring representing his base. Just before the bolder hit the barrier faded and he tumbled to the ground. The boulder skipped off the spot where he’d been and flew over his head to bounce deeper into the caverns.

Rainbow Dash’s name moved to the vacated spot at the top of the list as the golem’s dropped to the bottom. Without hesitation she drew her bow. “Tri-Shot,” she announced, firing her three arrows into the troll. All three struck its head, but according to its health bar failed to do any damage. Her name relinquished control of the top spot and Pinkie’s claimed it.

“Honestly Dashie! Piercing damage? Against a rock monster?” She turned to look at the golem. “This is how you do some damage. Party Cannon!” Pinkie shouted pulling her party cannon out. With a mighty conclusion, it launched its payload of confetti into the golem’s face; also doing no damage, but causing a small spiral with a question mark in the middle to appear over it. “Whoopsie, forgot I can’t change its load. Next!” she shouted as her name was replaced by Light Patch’s.

The stallion finally stood up from his position and picked up his warhammer, charging at the golem. With a slightly muffled warcry he used his wings to launch himself the last few feet and slammed his warhammer into the side of the golem. A few chips of stone flew off but its health bar barely showed any change. Oh thats all kinds of not good, he thought to himself, as the list once again changed now holding Perfect Profit’s name at the top.

“What do we do? You’re the professiona-” She trailed off looking at the group. “Well you’re the one’s with actual combat experience, and you barely even managed to wound it. And we’re all too heavily burdened to run far or fast enough to get away from this.”
Light Patch looked around, knowing that the amber earth mare was right. Okay, okay... Think. Discord isn’t evil—well, probably not evil—and if we lose here we’re out and not fun anymore. He wouldn’t throw this thing at us unless he thought we were ready, Light Patch reasoned. Or he’d given us something to use against it, but we haven’t picked anything up recently.

“Just stay safe! We’ll take care of this, PP,” Pinkie said. The earth pony nodded and swiftly took cover. The merchant’s turn ended, and it cycled back to being the golem’s. The golem raised one of its feet and looked down at only to see twin armored pegasi. After a moment of hesitation it chose, bringing it crashing down on one of the two. It realized it had chosen poorly, however, when its foot ghosted through the pegasus it attacked and only damaged the ground.

Light Patch snapped from his thoughts and swiveled his head to look at the massive foot inches to his left. His eyes slowly trailled their way up its leg, looking for weak points before getting to its torso and finally face. Then he spotted ceiling of the cavern, or at least the large stalagmite poking through the darkness. Or he’d give us some where to use against the golem. “Pinkie, I need you to hit it with your party cannon again. Rainbow Dash, I need you to make it waste its attack of opportunity for this cycle. I’ve got a plan,” he said pointing towards the stalagmite. The two mares caught on quickly. “I delay my action, until after Pinkie” he announced, watching the turn list shift again to Rainbow’s name.

Rainbow Dash swiftly took to the air and flew past the golem fast as she could. It swung an arm out, attempting to swat her like a fly which failed to connect. The turn list shifted once more and Pinkie launched into action, and with an unnatural speed Pinkie loaded her party cannon. Light Patch closed his eyes and braced as Pinkie aimed and fired once again, striking the golem squarely in the face its health bar barely moved, but the spiral and question mark were back once more.

Finally, it was Light Patch’s turn again. He threw as much as he could to the side. Okay Patchy, you can do this. You did this once before, it can’t be that hard. With a flap of his wings, he rose into the air, with his trepidation slightly giving way to giddiness he quickly flew up to the stalagmite. To his joy it was showing signs of giving away, a few cracks between it and the ceiling but it still held strong to the ceiling. Carp, I was hoping I’d be able to knock it loose. The pegasus stallion heard the sound of stone scraping stone as the golem shifted looking around; possibly for him. Okay, plan B, he thought. Before he could get any further, however, his thoughts were derailed by a sudden but familiar pressure in his head.

“Light Patch? Are you there?” he heard Twilight ask.

“I’m a little busy at the moment,” Light Patch yelled back doing his best Barbossa impression. “Fighting a golem, and I’m doing something incredibly stupid and probably about to die horribly everypony else is okay though. Talk to you later,” he finished, cutting the connection and focusing on the golem below.

He held his hammer out. “Death from above!” he yelled letting go of the hammer. To his luck it fell true and smacked the golem on its head, prompting the thing to look up. “I bet you couldn’t even return the favor, ugly,” he taunted, ignoring the groan from Rainbow Dash.

The list shifted, skipping Perfect Profit, and once again placing the golem at the top. Not once taking its sight off of the pegasus taunting it, the golem grabbed the heaviest boulder it could. With ease it lifted the massive rock above its head and heaved.

“I dodge,” the pegasus stallion said smugly, zipping to the side. The boulder smashed into the large stalagmite. With the growl of rock giving way, it tore away from the ceiling and fell straight for the golem below. Before the golem could comprehend what was going on, the stalagmite struck true, both shattering into much smaller fragments. From the large pile of rubble, three wisps of light flew out, one to each of the adventurer ponies.

Light Patch swiftly flew back to the ground and gathered his supplies and warhammer. “Thats how you rock the block,” he said as the rest of the group joined him by pile of rubble.

“That was fairly gutsy, I’ve gotta say,” Rainbow Dash said, giving him a soft punch to the flank.

“Are you mad?” Perfect Profit yelled. “You could have been killed doing that!”

“I know, but there was no way we could have won conventionally, and we couldn't have outrun it like you noted,” the grey stallion remarked.

“You could have had Rainbow Dash lure it to attack the stalagmite,” the earth pony merchant responded. “I mean you only recently admitted to not knowing how to fly. Rainbow Dash could have dodged that bolder easy.”

“She’s right,” Rainbow chimed in.

“Yes, but then I would have had to try and captured its attention so Rainbow could have gotten up there in the first place,” Light Patch threw back.

“Hey, everything worked out in the end right?” Pinkie prompted, getting a reluctant nod from the merchant. “Exactly! Now let’s go check out our loot!” Pinkie shouted, gesturing towards the rocks from behind which the golem had appeared. “Don’t forget that we’ve gotta get stuff to rebuild Perfect Profit’s ability to make a profit. Capitalism Ho!” she shouted, charging forward and leaving the rest of the party to scramble to catch up.

Past the rocks, they found a fairly ornate series of carvings into the wall of the cavern, all of which had been designed to draw onlookers towards the door in the center.

Perfect Profit, being the only actual native, recognized it immediately. “Oh, it’s an unbound temple.”

“A what?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head to the side as she looked at the door. “Shouldn’t they lock it? It’s not exactly safe down here.”

“No no, by unbound I mean it’s not dedicated to any specific god or goddess. Anypony could pray to any deity in this temple without fear of trouble,” the merchant responded, her gaze sweeping over Light Patch to look at Pinkie, causing a thought to pop into her head. “You know, you should probably go thank your deity for the protection he or she just gave you. And while you’re in there, maybe you could ask if he or she could help us get out of here.”

The stallion’s eyes darted between the mares who all turned to look at him expectantly. “Okay, okay, fine. I’ll do it but you’ve gotta stay out here. The rituals are a secret to my order. And for outsiders to observe them could garner his ire rather than aid,” he said before entering the temple.

“Right, we’ll be out here setting up camp. We might as well rest here after that battle, and get something to eat too,” Perfect Profit said, turning to start setting some of her load down. Light Patch gave a curt nod and entered the temple.

He marched up to the altar, grumbling slightly as he reached it. Pausing as he got to it, he sighed. In his mind, a list formed of all of the deities he could ask for some help. There was all of the standard Dungeons and Dragons ones. He could try one from his own works. Or he could try cutting out the mediary and ask Discord. After a few more seconds, he had his mind made up.

Dropping to what he assumed was an appropriate stance. He looked up at the ceiling above the altar. “Can I get a little bit of help here?” he asked to anyone or anything listening.

He waited for a few seconds for a sign or appearance or something. He counted ten more seconds before he began to leave. Before he could spot it, let alone react, a book fell from the ceiling and clanged off his helmet, prompting the words critical hit to appear above his head. Not bloody again, he thought. After a quick swipe of frustration at the words, he turned to examine the book in detail. It was a simple black leather bound book with steel trim around its edges. He quickly picked the book up, momentarily surprised by its weight. The spine held no name so he flipped it over to check the front cover, only to find a large skull on the front missing its lower jaw. Four red symbols created a square around the skull. A small smile of glee spread across his face as he went to leave, but a small quick thought paused him. He quickly trotted back to the altar, bowing his head and after a quick thanks he hoofed it for the door.

* * *

“I can’t believe after asking your gods for help, all you got was a book,” Rainbow Dash gripped while getting her gear repacked to leave the temple. “I mean, reading isn’t all bad and everything, but what are you supposed to do? Read the enemy to sleep or something?” The pegasus mare was caught off guard when her friend Pinkie Pie suddenly threw a hoof around her.

“Silly Dashie, you forget we’re in a Caverns and Cutie Marks game. Books can hold a lot of power when they're full of magical spells,” Pinkie said still holding onto her friend. “Or if they’re magic themselves,” she finished while miming casting a spell.

“Or if you just swing them hard enough,” Light Patch chimed in, giving the book a practice swing. “Seriously, this book is hefty enough, I bet I could do some real damage. It’s well bound too. I bet the cover is leather over metal.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and shrugged out of Pinkie’s grasp.

“Yeah, okay, but which one of those is that book?” the blue mare asked, prompting Light Patch to simply shrug, which prompted the pinto merchant to look over.

“Why don’t you see what it says on the inside?” Perfect Profit asked.

“Tried; can’t read it. I don’t know what script it's in. Maybe I’ll bring it up with Twilight next chance I get. I do have an idea as to what its purpose is however,” the stallion said offhandedly. “Back at the monastery, we had some similar looking books that the monks would break out when they needed to fight. They’d use special tomes to empower our weapons and armor. It didn’t last forever but it would last long enough, and I suspect that this book has similar effects,” the stallion explained, pulling his warhammer up. Okay, I’m not really sure how to use this. Wait, no, this is a DnD parody so maybe all I need to do is a use magic item check? With a slow breath, he closed his eyes and touched the book, thinking of the item he wished to empower. All of the ponies gasped when the hammer took on a slight glow. With a small grin Light Patch hefted his hammer, and with a deft swing he brought the hammer down on a rock, pulverizing it in a single swing.

Rainbow Dash rubbed a leg where a fragment of the rock had hit her. “Ow. Alright, I stand corrected. I guess that book is-” Pinkie’s burst of laughter interrupted her.

“You mean you float corrected,” the pink earth pony managed between giggles. “You’re hovering, not standing.” The blue pegasus rolled her eyes as Perfect Profit and Light Patch joined Pinkie in laughing. Eventually even Rainbow Dash joined in and, with smiles on their lips and feeling refreshed, the group set out once more.

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 25: I See Your Angst and Raise You Bandits

“Grumble mumble bumble humble bundle,” Purple Heart growled under his breath. “Tired of bandits.” Amber giggled softly at the purple stallion’s irritation.

“He isn’t very good at controlling his temper, is he?” the gold unicorn whispered to the mares beside her. Rarity shrugged and cast a surreptitious look at Purple Heart’s rear end.

“He does have a habit of being...impetuous,” the white unicorn confessed in an equally soft tone. “However, he is the strongest here. I believe it would be wise to not give him cause to be angry.”

“Aha,” Amber murmured. After a few seconds, she spoke again. “How great of a warrior is he?” The trio of mares all turned their gazes to Purple Heart. Silence fell as Fluttershy and Rarity considered Amber’s question regarding the stallion. Unbeknownst to them, Purple Heart could hear their little conversation and his temper wasn’t much better because of it. The desire to snap at the other members of his party was growing exponentially every second. And Purple Heart had no idea why. Sure, his temper didn’t have the longest of fuses, but why was he so peeved by ponies talking behind his back? Fluttershy spoke, breaking the purple earth pony from his thoughts.

“We don’t know of many warriors from where we come from,” Fluttershy mused, “except for Shining Armor. But from watching Purple Heart fight, I should say he is a very great warrior.” Amber Glitter ‘huhed’ in interest, doing nothing for Purple Heart’s already short fuse.

One more word about me and I may blow it, the purple earth pony thought. Hopefully, we’ll find these bandits before that happens.

“You know,” Amber chimed. Aw piss. “I’d like to see him fight in the Royal Arena. I think he’d prove to be entertaining.” Purple Heart froze, a hoof raised midstep. There were three squeaks of surprise as Rarity, Fluttershy, and Amber ran into the stock-still earth pony.

“Purple Heart!” Rarity snapped. “What was that for?!” Purple Heart rounded on the fallen mares, his cobalt eyes flashing with anger. The purple stallion opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came. Several moments passed as Purple Heart glared first at Rarity then Fluttershy before settling his hostile gaze on Amber. The gold unicorn blushed as Purple Heart advanced to stand over her, bringing his muscled form bare inches away from her own shivering slender body. With cold fury in his eyes, Purple Heart glared down at Amber, bringing a deep flush to the unicorn’s already crimson cheeks. Her bright eyes widened in surprise when Purple Heart dipped his head as if to bring his lips to hers. Her blush wasn’t helped either. Instead of bringing his lips to her’s, he moved his broad muzzle past her face and stopped when his gritted teeth were inches away from her left ear.

“Do not think you can fool me, princess,” the purple earth pony hissed softly, loud enough for Amber to hear, but low enough to keep Fluttershy and Rarity in the dark. “You may have them convinced that you’re just a scullery maid on holiday with your lady, but not me. I can see that you’re royalty. The way you walk, how you hold yourself, even how you talk behind a pony’s back all scream royalty. I would not be opposed to fighting in your arena. We might even visit your city on our travels, wherever it is. But know this: I wasn’t given a choice on this quest. So if you believe that I shall just roll over let you bluebloods walk over me, you are greatly mistaken.” Purple Heart straightened and walked away, his tirade completed.

“Let’s get this over with,” he growled over his shoulder. “I’m particularly keen to be away from Miss Glitter.” As he began walking away, his thoughts raced.

What made me say that? Sure, I wasn’t fooled by her ‘maid’ appearance, but I didn’t have to snap like that… Something is wrong. And I don’t know what is happening. Rarity obviously had a different opinion on the matter.

“What in the name a Celestia is your problem?” she screeched, clambering to her hooves. “That was completely uncalled for, even if you were offended by something. Kindly control yourself in the future!” Much to the white unicorn’s surprise, Purple Heart didn’t reply. Instead, he continued walking. Fluttershy and Rarity shared a confused look before turning to look at Amber.

“What did he say to you?” Fluttershy prompted, awaiting an explanation. The gold unicorn didn’t respond as she watched Purple Heart’s retreating hindquarters. Never before had she been spoken to in such a fashion by anypony. Aside from that, she had never been in such close proximity with another pony in her life, particularly one of the opposite sex. Had they not been in their current situation, she would have found the proximity...pleasant. Purple Heart was indeed a handsome pony, in his own powerful rugged way. He was right. She was indeed a princess. And having a consort such as him would be a great benefit to her. Her thoughts were interrupted by Fluttershy flapping into the air beside Rarity, a concerned expression on her face.

“We should catch up with him,” she murmured gently. “He’s starting to worry me.” Rarity nodded in agreement.

“I’m starting to think that his congestion might be affecting his mental state,” the white unicorn mused. “He was getting rather upset in the time before we met you.” She nodded to Amber. The golden unicorn stood slowly, her heart still racing from Purple Heart’s words. If she could convince him to come with her, her claim on the throne would be secure if not protected. Having a strong pony such as him by her side would certainly be an advantage.

“Aren’t you coming, dear?” Rarity asked over her shoulder. Amber blinked in surprise. It took the golden unicorn a moment to realize that she was being left behind by the three ponies. She broke into a swift canter to catch up. By the time she had drawn level with Rarity and Fluttershy, she had retreated back into her own thoughts, thinking of how she could convince Purple Heart to stay with her.

While Amber Glitter plotted, the purple earth pony in question was watching the trees intently, wary of an ambushes or surprise attacks that might spring upon them. Fluttershy sidled up beside him and tapped the hefty colt on the shoulder.

“Um,” she said softly. “Pardon me, Mister Heart, but are you okay?” Purple Heart blinked and flared his nostrils impressively.

“Mister Heart?” he echoed. “Please, just call me Purple, or Purple Heart if you prefer. Misterr Heart makes me feel...old...and decrepit.” Fluttershy winced, unused to the hostile nuances in the purple stallion’s voice. When she had first met him, he had spoken with confidence and humor, giving him an relaxed aura. Only when it was absolutely required did his voice rise beyond that of a conversational tone. But now, he was more quick to anger.

“I’m sorry,” the yellow pegasus whispered. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.” Purple Heart’s pace slowed and he softened his expression into what he hoped was a kind smile. To his relief, a small smile broke across Fluttershy’s face.

“To be honest,” Purple Heart confessed, “I don’t feel all that well. And I don’t think a spell will help.”

“Oh.” Fluttershy nodded slowly and looked to the path. An amiable silence fell on the pair as they listened to Rarity and Amber discuss who-knows-what behind them.

“Why is Discord doing this?” Fluttershy whispered, almost to herself. “I thought he had gotten over his controlling nature.” Purple Heart didn’t respond for a few seconds. Then he took a breath and spoke.

“Ponies don’t change overnight,” he said softly. “Me, Light, and Wits have a bit of experience in that department. You can’t try to cage or inhibit somepony’s true nature. It could cause significant harm and pain to the pony in question and most likely hurt those around them. Discord is the embodiment of Chaos. Trying to imprison such a force is dangerous and risky at best.” Fluttershy looked up at the purple stallion in surprise. Rarity and Amber had trotted closer and were listening to Purple Heart speak, entranced by his deep voice.

“Are you saying we should stop trying to help Discord?” Fluttershy asked as tears began to form in her aquamarine eyes. “We should just let his power corrupt him again?” Purple Heart came to a slow stop and turned to look down kindly at at the yellow pegasus.

“I’m saying,” he urged. “That you shouldn’t force Discord to change his nature. Too many horrible things happen if you employ force. Take it from somepony who tried and failed miserably. Regardless, you should just try to help Discord acclimate to a world where he isn’t the sole power to be reckoned with. If anything, just be a friend he can rely on and enjoy the company of.” Purple Heart lifted a hoof and patted Fluttershy on the head gently before turning back to the path and began walking again. Fluttershy, Rarity, and Amber stood in stunned awe at the conversation that had just transpired.

“Are you sure he’s crazy?” Amber whispered. Rarity made a noncommittal shrug as she stared after the purple stallion.

“I honestly thought he was crazy,” the fashionista replied.

“Who’s crazy?” a strange voice asked. The three mares jerked in surprise and began searching for the voice’s owner.

“Purple Heart?” Amber called. “I think we’re in trouble.”

“You think?” the barbarian pony snapped, his foul mood returning. “You don’t have to tell me that.” The three mares looked forward and gaped. Purple Heart glowered as he was led back to them, flanked on either side by two earth ponies decked out in bandit garb. Both held swords to the purple barbarian pony’s thick neck and another two bandits fluttered above him, crossbows aimed at his head.

“Girls,” Purple Heart grumbled. “Meet the Bandits.” Rarity, Amber, and Fluttershy all waved weakly at the four ponies watching Purple Heart.

“Turn ‘round, lassies,” one of the ponies barked. “We’re taking a walk.”

“We were just on one you dumpkoff,” Purple Heart growled. The three mares gasped in horror as one of the bandit ponies clubbed the purple earth pony into silence. Purple Heart collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

“Ya idjit!” a new pony snapped, materializing out of the trees. His armor was just a bit more nicer, though not by much, but it labeled him as somepony higher up the pecking order. A gnarled horn sprouted through his messy brown mane that almost blended in with his dirty coat.

“Ya knocked ‘im out!” the unicorn sneered at the group of ponies around the now unconscious Purple Heart. The offending pony shuffled its hooves in embarrassment.

“S’rry, cap’n,” the earth pony mumbled. The captain sighed and waved his hoof dismissively.

“Ya better carry him,” he ordered. “We need to get them to Boomer before night falls. Ya know how he hates to be kept waiting.”

“Um, excuse me,” Fluttershy whispered nervously. “What are you going to do with us?” The bandit unicorn captain shrugged as he turned to the yellow pegasus and gestured. A dozen more bandit ponies appeared out of the forest and formed a circle around the already assembled ponies.

“Whatever we want,” the captain replied. “S’long as it pleases Boomer.” Fluttershy whimpered at the possible inclinations as she, Rarity, and Fluttershy were led into the forest to meet the enigma that was Boomer. As they walked, no-pony noticed the red glow that had vacated Purple Heart’s body the moment he had been struck unconscious. It paused for a moment, hovering there as if watching the procession leave. And then it turned away and floated into the darkening sky.

* * *

“But my cabbages!” the merchant bawled. “How will I get my cabbages to market without a cart?” Those assembled in the tent looked towards one end of the pseudo-court to the old and bent earth pony sitting on a throne. Wrinkles creased the pony’s face like a maze. A ragged cape of velvet was draped across the old pony’s narrow shoulders and covered that majority of his ash colored body. The earth pony leaned forward, a cheery grin etched into his wrinkled features.

“Not my problem now, is it?” he croaked cheerfully. “I prefer leafy greens like lettuce, although in moderation. Thus, your cabbages are of no interest to me.”

“But if I can get them to market,” the merchant pleaded. “I can cut you in on the profits. How does 60% sound?” The tent went deathly quiet as all eyes turned to the old earth pony on the throne. Everypony blanched in shock and horror at the veritable aura of hostility that enveloped the aged earth pony.

“Do you think me so low as to leech off the profit of others instead of simply stealing their goods or working for myself?” the pony growled menacingly. “Do you?!”

“Um,” the merchant squeaked. “No?”

“Well you’re wrong,” the earth pony hissed. Almost instantly, his aggressive aura evaporated and he returned to his cheery self once more. “Go and talk to Bits, the quartermaster. She’ll ink out our agreement. Now, away! I need a nap and perhaps a cold drink.” The merchant blinked in surprise at the sudden change in demeanor before bowing and thanking the old pony profusely even as he was dragged from the tent by the herd of departing ponies. Eventually, the tent was silent. The old earth pony sighed contentedly and lounged on his throne.

“Send in the new filly,” the old pony ordered. “My neck hurts. I think a good massage will help.” Seconds later, a young filly with a coat the color of the sea paced hesitantly into the main tent and knelt before the old pony. Her cyan colored mane was tied up in a braid and flopped over one shoulder.

“At your will,” she whimpered, her eyes averted. The earth pony sat up and gazed down at the little pony.

“Do you know who I am?” the old pony asked softly. The young pony nodded, not looking up.

“You’re Lord Boomer,” she squeaked. “The Disgraced Brother of his highness, King Bastion.” The old earth pony nodded in affirmation.

“Do you know why I was disgraced, little one?” Boomer asked. The little filly shook her head.

“I was framed,” Boomer hissed. “I was framed for killing my own sister. By my brother. As if I could lift a hoof in against her in anger, much less a knife. Did you know my sister?” The little filly nodded.

“She always looked after me when I was young,” Boomer murmured, his voice almost too low to hear. “She kept us from demolishing each other when we were young. She was the intermediary between us, a peacekeeper. I loved her. We both did. But now, I’m out here, banished to scrape the dregs of the kingdom to get by. I have to employ bandits and there’s no entertainment whatsoever. I-”

“My lord, we have some entertainment for you,” a voice said from the tent flap. “Shall we bring it in?” Boomer frowned.

“Oh, yes please,” he snapped sarcastically. “I was just reminiscing about my dear sister so no need to worry, just come right in.” The voice obliged and the unicorn captain trotted into the tent, trailed by a group of bandits guarding three mares and several more supporting the hefty form of a purple earth pony covered in blue tattoos. Boomer stood and glared down at the assembling ponies, irritation flashing across his features as he sneered at the snoring purple behemoth.

“What kind of entertainment do you call this?” he grouched. “No instruments, no jugglers, no acrobats, nothing. Just three fillies and a unconscious, but loudmouthed shnook.” To the surprise of everypony present, the shnook in question jerked awake, enforced his weight on the bandit ponies carrying him, and stumbled to his hooves. With bleary eyes, the purple earth pony glared up at Boomer.

“I,” he mumbled, “am not a loudmouthed shnook. I dare you to call me that again. Snoring is not my natural state. Of that I am certain.”

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

Chapter 26: Welcome to the Pony Club

“Are ya sure ya don’t need a hoof there, sugarcube?” Applejack watched Wits End as he lined up ingredients for breakfast. “Ah know a thing or two about cookin’ on a campfire.”

“I’ll be fine,” Wits End responded calmly. “I’ve had to cook on a wood-burning stove at least three times a year for around fifteen years. Pass me a pan, and I’ll cook us up some mean grub.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow, but passed the cast-iron skillet none the less. She glanced over at where Twilight was sleeping, curled up in a nest of books. “Ah just don’t want ya to mess up breakfast for yer special somepony there.”

“Oh for the love of…” Wits End turned his head to face the smirking pony. “How many times do I have to say ‘I’m not romantically interested in Twilight Sparkle’ before you drop it already?”

“Well, partially Ah’m payin’ you two back for turnin’ the defence of Roads Crossed into a personal contest.”

One side of Wits End’s mouth turned down slightly. “That turned out just fine.”

“An’ the other part is that Ah don’t believe you. You’re the only pony Ah’ve seen who’s even hinted at bein’ lovey dovey with somepony, and ya ain’t given me any sign that ya like anypony else.”

Wits End sighed. “If I tell you who else I like, will you drop the matchmaker bit?”

“Ah promise.”

“Pinkie promise?”

Now it was Applejack’s turn to sigh. “Cross mah heart an’ hope to fly, stick a cupcake in mah eye.” She finished by placing a hoof over her eye. “Now, spill.”

“You.”

Applejack blinked. “What?”

Wits End set the sizzling pan to one side, turning to focus completely on the confused farmpony. “Ever since I first saw you outside of town, I thought you were the most beautiful pony I’d ever seen. It was like seeing the innocence and unconditional love of a filly, with a body that would cause a fine marble statue to blush in jealousy.”

“Ah- Ah-” Applejack felt her cheeks flush red at the mint-colored unicorn’s confession.

“But how cruelly fate toys with us,” Wits End breathed, leaning in so close that Applejack could see every detail in his intense blue-green eyes, “for when I look at you, I am only a kid myself. My heart races because I’ve discovered love for the first time.”

Applejack’s heart was caught in her throat. “R-really?” she said, her voice barely a whisper.

Wits End moved closer, the warmth of his breath on her neck. “And that’s why you don’t mess with someone who reads shōjo in his spare time.”

A moment of dead silent passed. Applejack pulled back slightly, seeing the massive grin on the unicorn’s face. “That was mean,” she managed eventually.

“And breakfast is ready,” Wits End returned, sliding fried eggs onto plates. “Let the princess know, if you please?”

Applejack turned away, shaking her head to clear her mind. “So ya don’t got any special somepony, Ah take it.”

Wits End shrugged. “Rarity’s mane is nice. That’s about as far as I go.”

“Fair enough.” The orange farmpony shrugged and trotted over to the sleeping purple alicorn.

Once Applejack was facing the other way, Wits End let out the breath he’d been holding ever since he started his faux confession. Didn’t know I could do that, he thought with a small smile, wiping down the pan with a rag. I’d make a good host. Still, I never would have even thought about doing that before this game started. He sighed, watching Twilight rub the sleep from her eyes. Now, if I could use this as a skill? I might be able to convince a dragon to be my mount or something.

“Something smells good,” Twilight muttered, brushing a ruffled strand of mane hair out of her face as she sat down nearby.

“No-pony fries an egg like Wits End,” Wits End said, switching mental gears as he slid a plate toward her. “Eat up. We’ve got a lot of books to go through.”

“I know,” Twilight said with a grin. “I can’t wait. How often do you get to read books from another universe?”

Wits End glanced at the saddle bag that held the rulebook Discord had given Twilight. “Not every day, that’s for sure. Where should we start? One end to the other? Or go by se- Don’t forget to breath every so often.”

Twilight looked up from her plate, flecks of egg yolk and butter on her face from vacuuming down the meal. “Hmm?”

“...Never mind. Eat, then we’ll talk.”

* * *

“Ah’ll be the first to admit,” Applejack said with a contented sigh, “ya’ll can make a mean breakfast.”

“It’s nice to see my skills are appreciated,” Wits End said with a smile. He picked up the dishes and pan, turning toward the door. “There was a stream a little ways back up the path. I’ll go wash these off. You two can get a head start on the reading.” He stopped at the door, nudging it open with a back hoof. “Remember, we’re leaving tomorrow. Try and find stuff that’ll help us not die horribly.”

Twilight and Applejack watched as he disappeared from sight; the purple alicorn taking note of the way he’d winked at Applejack before rounding the corner. “Did I miss something?”

Applejack tried to keep herself from replaying the memory of what had happened before Twilight woke up. “Nothin’. Ah asked him if he had a special somepony, an’ he played me like a fiddle at a hoedown.”

“Oh? I wish I’d been awake for that.”

“Glad ya weren’t,” the orange pony muttered.

“Well, I’ve got the perfect plan to find out what he’s been hiding.” Twilight crossed over to the cart, rummaging through until she found a black bottle. “Here we go!”

Applejack joined the purple pony, reading the red text on the label. “K.K. Cider… When’d ya buy this?”

Twilight grinned. “Right before we left. I figured we could drink it when everypony met up again. Or if we found a really, really good book.” Her grin widened. “We use this to get Wits End to spill the beans.”

“Twi, Ah don’t think we should hit’m with a bottle ‘til he talks.”

“Wha-” Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she understood the farmpony’s reasoning. “Applejack, do you remember yesterday when I said we needed to be subtle?”

“Sure do!”

“We going to get him drunk so he’ll talk to us.”

Applejack thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, that’ll work too.”

Twilight slide the bottle back into its hiding place. “Wits is right about one thing; we don’t have forever in this library. We’ll spring the plan with dinner. For now, let’s get reading!”

* * *

The day passed without any real excitement. The sun was on its way down toward the horizon by the time the three ponies met back up in the lobby. “So,” Twilight said cheerfully, pulling a bowl filled with stew closer, “what’d everypony find?”

“Well, the lay of th’ land looks pretty much like Equestria’s,” Applejack said, ladling out bowl for herself. “Ah found a book of maps. It don’t look like there’s anythin’ too crazy. Just yer standard grasslands, desert, forest, jungle…”

“Ice world, fire world, boss,” Wits End cut in, finishing with a series of guttural bass noises that sounded something like ‘untz untz untz’.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the unicorn. “And what about you?”

Wits End shrugged. “Pretty standard RPG world fair from my end too. There’s a bunch of different kingdoms, duchies, counties, baronies, Pekingese, trapeze…” He forced a yawn, covering his mouth dramatically. “I expected more from Discord than this.”

“Hmm.” Twilight sighed. “To be honest, that’s the impression I got too. All of the ponies in the books I read have really obvious names. Like Penny Pincher, Heartbreaker, Holdfast-”

“Holdfast?” Wits End interrupted.

“You know about him?”

The mint-colored unicorn shook his head. “No, it just sounds like a really obvious name for a villain.” He screwed up his face into a scowl. “I’m the tyrant Holdfast,” he said in a deep growl before relaxing back into his normal expression. “I guess Discord didn’t put a whole lot of thought into the backstory of this place.”

“Ah’m sure there’s some sorta twist,” Applejack offered. “It’s not like Discord to be borin’, after all.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Twilight said, glancing back at the cart. “In any case,” she continued, lifting the bottle of cider out, “I think we should celebrate!”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. “Celebrate what? Mediocre storytelling?”

“No. The fact that we’re in a completely different world! This is a place that doesn’t exist anywhere else! We can celebrate that at least.” She shot a look at Applejack.

“Y-yeah, Twi! Ah mean, none of us’ve been to another world before.” Applejack though for a moment. “Well, aside from ya goin’ through the mirror to-”

“Anyway!” Twilight interrupted, pouring three glasses of the deep tan liquid and passing them out to the assembled ponies. “A toast to a whole new world!”

After a moment, Wits End shrugged and took the glass. “Oh, what the heck,” he muttered. “To a new, fantastic point of view, then.”

* * *

“A whole new world we live in,” the curled ball under the blue cloak half sung, half muttered. “A whole new way t’see~”

Applejack leaned closer to Twilight, a slight red tint to both pony’s faces from the cider. “Twi, how much has he had?”

Twilight shrugged, glancing at the empty bottle on the ground between them. “I dunno. Half the bottle?”

“Oh boy…”

Twilight cleared her throat, focusing through the buzz. “Wits?”

“A whole new place, with a brand new- Huh?” The mint-colored pony’s head popped out from under the cloak; a dumb grin plastered on his face. “Right ‘ere!”

“I was wondering about your… Your… “ Twilight waved her hoof, trying to remember the word.

“Cutie mark,” Applejack finished. “We were wonderin’ about why ya didn’t have one.”

Wits End made a dismissive noise. “I ain’t got no cutie mark ‘cause I don’t need no cutie mark!”

Twilight’s eyebrows raised. “Really?”

“Listen, listen.” Wits End shook the cloak off, poking a forehoof at the two mares. “Listen. Cutie marks tell you want you’re good at, right? I don’t need nothin’ tellin’ me what I’m good at. I do what I enjoy. I do th’ things that make me happy. If I ain’t good at’m, I get better by practice. I don’t need a picture on my butt to tell me that.”

Twilight thought for a moment. “Wow.”

“Ah’m gonna have to remember that for Applebloom when we get back,” Applejack muttered.

Wits End sat up straight, bouncing slightly. “Come on, ask me more questions. This is fun.”

“Well, uh…” Twilight tapped her chin. “What about your friends? They seem…”

“Weird?” Wits End offered. “Like nerds? Socially awkward nerds?”

“I wouldn’t say that…”

Wits End shrugged. “I would. We’re a bunch of nerds.” He mimed strong forelegs, posing dramatically. “Purple Heart looks like th’ strong, silent type, but really he’s just a gentle giant kinda guy. You get’m pointed in a direction, and he’ll go do it with what could be misconstrued as a stern expression.” He waved a hoof dismissively. “But really, he’s like a lamb that works out. I bet he’d even let Fluttershy beat’m.”

He thought for a moment before continuing. “Light Patch likes to pretend t’be a big evil overlord, but when you get down to it, he’s too nice t’even get close. Sure, he might try and freak you out by talking, but he’s all bark. Like a chihuahuahuuauahahahah~” Wits End shook his head. “Never can tell how many of those there are. I’m sure Pinkie Pie’s more of a threat than he is.”

“An’ what about you?” Applejack asked, resting her chin on one hoof.

“Me?” Wits End chuckled, leaning back slightly. “I’m not deep. I voice opinions when I have’m, and I always have’m. I try t’make ponies laugh, I lie when it’s funny, I do what seems like fun…” He trailed off.

Twilight watched his eyes glaze over. “Wits?”

The mint-colored unicorn jerked awake. “WARK. I mean, what? I’m awake. Hi.”

“When we were back in Roads Crossed, you wanted to say something after we left the barracks.” Twilight glanced away. “What… what was it?”

Wits End blinked. “I did?”

“...Yes, you did.”

“Was I there for it?”

“Yes, you were! You got all close, and then Purple Heart interrupted and you never mentioned it again. What was it?”

Wits End thought for a while. “Oh, th’ thing!”

Twilight nodded. “Yes, the thing.”

“...What about th’ thing?”

A vein throbbed on the purple pony’s forehead. “What. Was it. That. You wanted. To say?”

“Ohhhhhhhh.” Wits End nodded. “You had a stick.”

Twilight blinked. “What.”

“A stick.” Wits End pulled the cloak back around him like a blanket. “You had one.” He nodded toward his rump. “It was stuck in your tail.”

Twilight’s eyebrows raised even higher. “What?”

“I noticed it when we were walkin’ out. I was gonna mention it, but Purple Heart was all ‘Hrr mrr, link us up’, and I didn’t wanna embarrass you in front of him, so I stole it.”

“You what?”

“Straight up thief’d it. Check it out.” He reached inside his cloak, retrieving a thin brown-ish branch. “Here. It’s yours if you want it.”

Twilight took the branch, investigating it closely. After a moment, her expression turned to one of irritation. “Oh for the love of Celestia…”

“What’s up, Twi?” Applejack asked, looking at the branch.

“Do you remember Discord’s letter? That his letter was like an olive branch, and that he’d send a real one later?”

Applejack’s face scrunched up as she tried to remember. “It sounds familiar…”

Twilight held up the branch. “This is a wand. It’s made from an olive tree. This is one big joke by Discord.”

“Olive tree and alicorn hair,” Wits End mutter sleepily. “Nine inches, pleasantly whippy. Th’ wand chooses the pony…” He slumped slowly over with a slight snore.

Applejack yawned. “Well, he’s out like a light. We should call it a night too, Twi.”

“Yeah,” Twilight felt herself getting tired. “I just need to check in with the others.” She thought for a moment about who to contact first before settling. She turned her focus toward Rainbow Dash.

Twilight frowned. For some reason, it felt like the connection wasn’t going through. She got the same feeling when she tried to connect to Pinkie Pie. With a feeling of dread starting to build in her, she focused on the last member of that party. “Light Patch? Are you there?”

“I’m a little busy at the moment,” Light Patch somehow yelled, putting an odd gravely inflection to it. “Fighting a golem and I’m doing something incredibly stupid and probably about to die horribly. Everypony else is okay though. Talk to you later.”

“Wha- Light Patch?” Twilight felt the connection close, and was unable to reconnect. She frowned, wondering if they should gallop to their rescue. After a moment of internal debate, she decided to trust that no-pony would get themselves hurt. She turned her attention to the other party. “Rarity? How are you doing?”

“Not so good, darling,” the white unicorn replied. “We got captured by some bandits while helping a pony find her princess.”

“That doesn’t sound good. Do you need us to come help you?”

“I’m not sure. Purple Heart got knocked unconscious and they’re taking us to this pony called ‘Boomer’ to ‘entertain’ him. I’ll give you an update next time and I’ll tell you if we need help then.”

“Be careful…”

“We’ll try, dear. Good bye.”

Twilight closed the connection with a sigh. “Well, everypony seems significantly less okay than they were yesterday-” She looked around. Applejack was stretched out on the floor, hat over her face. Wits End was curled up in ball like a cat in his cloak, one foreleg draped over his muzzle. “I guess we couldn’t go save anypony if we had to…”

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 27: Deadly Challenges?

Rarity's expression of surprise turned quickly into one of relief as Purple Heart stumbled to his hooves. Their tank slash guardian slash meatshield was awake and would certainly be able to get them out of this little mess, albeit violently. The white unicorn fashionista didn’t care much as long as they got out alive. Rarity’s attention was drawn to the old pony sitting in the throne-like chair at the far end of the tent as he stood stiffly on thick legs. His silver coat verged on white in some patches and his gray mane was cut into a mohawk that started at the crown of his head and ended at the end of his wrinkled but muscled neck. Drooping from his chin was a bushy white beard that could only be for catching soup. It made him seem fluffy and cuddly. Only just though.

Despite his old age, he was well built and had a number of scars playing across his chest and forelegs, presumably wounds of combat. A sword encircled by a golden crown was emblazoned on the pony’s flank. The old stallion stepped forward down past the filly at the foot of his throne.

“Who are you?” he asked gruffly. Purple Heart swayed dangerously before stopping, resting his gaze on the old pony. His eyes cleared as he considered the old pony before him. Rarity watched with awe as the purple earth pony inclined his head in respect. Surely, he was seconds away from going on a violent rage...wasn’t he?

“My name is Purple Heart,” Purple Heart responded. “I take it you are the prime authority here?” Boomer cocked an eyebrow at the curious earth pony.

“And what gives you that impression?” Boomer snorted. “I could be the leader of these bandits for all you know. I could be anything, even your worst enemy.” To everypony’s surprise, Purple Heart barked a mildly contemptuous laugh.

“I know that you aren’t my worst enemy,” Purple Heart chortled. “Only I know who my worst enemy is and you certainly aren’t it. You have a cutie mark befitting that of a royal, much like the one Amber Glitter over there has, so you can’t be a bandit leader. I’ve already met one of those, and you don’t share any resemblance.” Boomer opened his mouth, probably to order his minions to seize the impetuous pony but stopped. Rarity inhaled sharply as the aged stallion allowed a small smile to touch his lips. She was certain that he hadn’t liked how Purple Heart had worded his opinions, even though he was right, now that she thought about it. The fashionista held her breath as Boomer spoke.

“Incredible observation skills,” Boomer mused. “Do you work for some intelligence organisation or maybe the Royal Inquisition?” Again, Purple Heart laughed.

“Hardly,” the purple earth pony replied. “I’m just good at seeing and listening.” Rarity and Amber cocked their heads in puzzlement.

“You certainly didn’t seem this polite earlier,” Rarity piped up. Purple Heart gave a crooked half-smile as he turned to face his companions.

“Welp,” he said brightly, “I wasn’t feeling like myself then. I feel better now. My apologies for my horrid behavior. Sure, it’s pitiful and rather late, but it’s better than nothing.” He inclined his head and turned back to Boomer, not giving Rarity or Amber a chance to retort. “We came to get somepony. A ‘princess’.” He lifted his right hoof and mimed quotation marks. Boomer grinned and indicated the filly that shivered at the foot of his throne.

“Here’s your ‘princess,’” he said, lifting his own right hoof to mirror the gesture Purple Heart had made. The purple earth pony glanced at the small filly before returning his gaze to Boomer. Rarity felt her ire rise as she watched Purple Heart eye the filly like a bushel of apples, his gaze analytical and harsh.. A frown creased her elegant features as she glared at Purple Heart’s back. Fluttershy switched her gaze nervously between her two companions, unsure if she should speak up. Amber looked on apprehensively. She half expected Purple Heart to barter for the release of himself and his companions and leave Amber and the filly in Boomer’s custody. Purple Heart wasn’t honorbound to help her. He had been tricked into helping and even that was insubstantial.

The same thoughts were crossing Rarity’s mind. She only knew bits and pieces of the earth pony’s past and even then she wasn’t certain of his truthfulness. He didn’t reveal much and only listed his goals with a vague wave of his hoof. Truly, he was a master of verbal evasion. It was an unexpected surprise for the two unicorns when Purple Heart finally spoke.

“What do I have to do to get you to release her?” he asked, nodding at the filly. Boomer cocked an eyebrow.

“What’s she to you?” the old pony asked. Amber, Rarity, and Fluttershy watched Purple Heart, expectantly awaiting his response. Purple Heart cast a look over his shoulder at the trio of mares he had been travelling with. He locked gazes with each pony for only a second before turning back to Boomer.

“I’m not particularly partial to her,” Purple Heart replied. “I prefer blue ponies, thank you very much, though I will admit that shiny ponies are attractive in their own way. But she is important to one of my party members. Even if I may be a heartless jerk, nopony should be a slave, especially not a youngling.” Boomer stroked his beard with a hoof silently, considering the purple earth pony’s reasoning. Rarity and Amber breathed a sigh of relief, thanking the presence of morals on Purple Heart’s part.

Fluttershy smiled gently, content that conflict within the party of companions had been avoided. However, she wasn’t so sure about the aversion of conflict between Purple Heart and Boomer. The entire tent save the old pony himself looked at him, waiting for him to speak. The guards shuffled self-consciously, aware that they were of little importance to the conversation. When Boomer finally spoke, it was with a conniving smile curving his lips.

“I will release this little filly into your custody,” Boomer said finally. “On one condition.” Purple Heart nodded, not seeming overly surprised.

“Name your condition,” Purple Heart said. Boomer’s smile widened, revealing a disturbing amount of white teeth.

“You must complete two deadly challenges,” Boomer declared. “A pair of ponies each.” Purple Heart blinked and arched an eyebrow.

“What kind of challenges?” he questioned. With an intake of breath, Boomer’s chest puffed up imperiously.

“The ‘deadliest’ of challenges,” the old stallion replied vaguely. Several seconds passed, during which Amber, Fluttershy, and Rarity shared worried looks. Purple Heart frowned and looked hard at the old stallion. Out of curiosity, Amber stepped forward, intent on speaking. One of the guards tried to restrain her but the golden unicorn wrested free and came to stand beside Purple Heart.

“If we complete these challenges, you will release the princess?” she asked. Boomer nodded in confirmation.

“Yes,” he said. “Of that I promise you.” At those words, Amber turned to look at Purple Heart, Rarity, and Fluttershy.

“We must complete these challenges,” she demanded. “I know that you haven’t known me long, but please help me. If not for me, then-”

“Stop, please,” Purple Heart sighed. “You don’t have to beg. We’ll participate in these challenges. I’m not completely heartless.” A small smile quirked the purple earth pony’s lips. Amber blinked in surprise and turned to look at Rarity and Fluttershy, wanting to know if the two mares shared Purple Heart’s thoughts. Fluttershy smiled kindly and nodded. Rarity stepped forward to place a hoof on the golden unicorn’s shoulder. The white fashionista gave a bright smile and patted Amber on the shoulder.

“We’ll help,” she promised. “We said we would.” Amber’s face broke into a large smile and her eyes began to glisten with tears. Hastily, she wiped them away and turned to Boomer.

“What are the challenges?” she asked.

* * *

“Lemme at him!” Amber shrieked in a fit of sudden rage as she lunged towards a silent Boomer. “Ima punch him!” Purple Heart chuckled at the lack of grammatical excellence and placed a steady hoof on the golden unicorn’s shoulder.

“Calm down,” the purple barbarian soothed. “I’m sure he was just messing with us.” Amber snorted in a very unladylike fashion.

“I’ll say,” she retorted. “When that old geezer said deadly, I immediately thought dangerous treks through the forest or having to fight through a cave to get the treasure. You know, those things that happen in stories.” Again, Purple Heart chuckled.

“This is hardly a fairy tail,” he mused. “But I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting a tabletop game.” Amber nodded in agreement, looking at the round table placed before them in the center of the clearing Boomer had led them to.

Across the table was Boomer, along with a unicorn just to his right. A bemused expression split Boomer’s face into a broad grin.

“You seem distraught,” he asked across the table. “Would you rather your friends did this one instead?” Purple Heart snorted and shook his head.

“No thanks,” he replied. “I think they’re better suited to the other challenge you spoke of. That aside, what game are we to play? Since this is obviously going to be a tabletop experience.” Amber frowned at Purple Heart, confused by the pony’s words. Tabletop? What is he talking about?

Whilst these questions swirled around Amber’s mind, Boomer made gave no answer to the purple barbarian’s question. Instead, he gestured to the unicorn. Amber and Purple Heart frowned in confusion as the unicorn stepped forward, a light glow emanating from his horn. Several seconds of silence passed between the four ponies while the unicorn’s magic took effect. There was a gasp of surprise from Amber and a grunt of interest from Purple Heart when two metal rods connected by a wooden half circle appeared on the table. An additional two rods angled up at a 45 degree angle from that half circle, a wooden sleeve connecting the two. At the end of the rod was a crook, probably meant for hanging pieces from.

Purple Heart blinked in surprise and stared at the stand for several seconds. A manic smile suddenly split the stallion’s lips.

“Ho~?” Purple Heart mused, elongating the vowel. “Is this what I think it is?”

“What game is this?” Amber asked, her brow creased in confusion. The smile on Purple Heart’s face grew as he swung his gaze to rest on the golden unicorn beside him.

“Suspend,” he replied, his eyes sparkling evilly. “‘A friendly game of tricky hangs and steady hooves’. It’s one of the few games I am better at than my friends.” Amber cocked her head to one side.

“You have friends?” she asked innocently. Purple Heart snorted at the comment and turned to address Boomer.

“I take it we must beat you to complete the challenge?” he mused. The aged pony nodded his silvered head.

“Yes,” Boomer confirmed. “Best two of three.” Amber watched in interest as Purple Heart twisted his lips to one side, as if contemplating a thought.

“Roight,” he replied. “Win and leave. Lose and...” His voice petered out as he let the thought hang in the air. Amber shifted anxiously and Boomer quirked his lips in mild amusement.

“Now, roll for initiative.” He gestured to the colored die on the side of the table where Purple Heart and Amber Glitter stood. Purple Heart rolled his eyes as he walked forward and picked up the die. He held it on his hoof, staring at it intently in silence. Amber trotted to his side and looked at the pensive expression on the large earth pony’s face.

“Something wrong?” she inquired. Purple Heart shook his head and rolled the die.

“Nope,” he replied, noting the color facing up on the die and gestured to Boomer. “You go first.”

* * *

“I wonder how Amber and Purple are doing,” Fluttershy wondered aloud as she and Rarity were led through the Bandit’s camp toward their challenge. Boomer’s explanation on the challenge’s had been cryptic to say the least. Amber Glitter and Purple Heart had been led away by Boomer himself while the pink-maned pegasus and white unicorn had been herded into the forest by Boomer’s second.

Rarity shrugged as she followed their guide, taking in their surroundings as the went. “I think they can take care of themselves. Purple Heart, despite his personality issues, is a very capable pony. I’m sure he can accomplish whatever task is set before him.” Fluttershy nodded mutely, agreeing with Rarity’s statement.

“I wonder what challenge we have,” the yellow pegasus said softly. Boomer’s second came to a stop in a clearing, one that seemed remarkably similar to a particular clearing at the opposite end of the camp. The only difference was what resided there.

In the center of the clearing, there was a large iron cage standing three yards high. A dull sheen caused by the afternoon sun reflected off the dark metal and illuminated the creature imprisoned within. A small Timberwolf, a pup, lay huddled against one wall, its tiny form dwarfed by the prison that held it. Fluttershy gasped and covered her mouth with a hoof while a look of rage crossed Rarity’s normally cheerful face. Her mane snapped like a whip as she turned to glare furiously at the pony that he led them to the clearing.

“What is the meaning of this?” she demanded. Boomer’s second smirked, trotted further into the clearing and rapped once on the cage, startling the Timberwolf pup. The little beast yipped fearfully and scrambled away from the offending pony, its paws scrabbling on the iron floor.

“You are to release this Timberwolf and follow it to the rest of its pack,” the pony ordered. “Tame the pack and bring them here. That is your task.” Having given his orders, the pony turned and cantered away.

“What’s your name?” Fluttershy asked softly. The colt stopped at the pink-maned pegasus’ words.

“Slate Doraibor,” the colt replied shortly, flipping his messy coal-black mane before continuing out of the clearing, leaving a furious Rarity and a shocked Fluttershy alone with a scared Timberwolf pup.

“We are not going to do what they say,” Fluttershy asserted forcefully.

“Of course not, dear,” Rarity replied with equal venom. “I sincerely hope that Boomer didn’t order such a task. I would much prefer that Slate himself wanted this. It would make it easier to bring this absurdity to Boomer himself. But for now, we must play along. We’ll go get the pack.” The white fashionista raised a hoof, forestalling Fluttershy’s outcry. “But, we need to find Boomer or Purple Heart as soon as we get back. I’m sure one of them will be able to fix this mess. But for now, I think you should start getting to know that pup. He looks terrified.” Fluttershy turned to the small pup and her eyes softened.

“This will take a while,” she murmured, creeping slowly towards the cage as she gave the little pup a kind smile.

“Take your time, dear,” Rarity said, patting her friend on the shoulder. “Take your time.”

* * *

Amber watched silently as Boomer and Purple Heart went back and forth, making move after move as they took turns placing corrugated wires on the stand, branching out to make a chaotic tangle of metal. Over the course of the game, Amber had tried to follow along and guess what the point was. So far, she had no idea how the game was play, nor did she have a clue of how to win.

“Um,” she murmured softly, tapping Purple Heart on the shoulder. “How do you play? What are the win conditions?” The purple earth pony finished placing the wire he held in one of his hooves and breathed a sigh of relief when nothing happened.

“Have you ever heard of tumbling tower?” he asked, his gaze still locked on the game. “Jenga? Block tower?”

“No? What are they?”

“Games relying on a mixture of skill, gravity sense, and logic,” the purple barbarian said. “Suspend is like them, but a whole lot more amusing.” Amber cocked her head in confusion, watching as Boomer rolled the colored die. The little wooden cube twirled several times and landed with yellow face up.

“Hehehe!” Purple Heart cackled. “Good luck with that piece. Yellows are a pain to hang.”

“Don’t I know it,” Boomer grumbled. Earlier in the game, the aged pony had caused the complex structure of wires to lose a few of the supporting pieces, resulting in several of the wires to clatter to the table. All because he had jostled the hanging structure with a yellow ended wire.

“This is difficult,” Boomer growled as he rested the wire on the already precarious construct.

“How do you win?” Amber prompted. Purple Heart tore his eyes away from the game, stepped away from the table and turned to the golden unicorn.

“To win, you have to be the first to use all of your pieces,” he explained. “You roll the die and have to place the requisite color on the stand. If you have no pieces of a certain color and your opponent has some left, you place their piece. And so on. If the construct collapses during your turn, you get all those pieces that were previously hanging.” Amber blinked in surprise and turned to the table as the suspended wires clattered to the table.

“Blast!” Boomer hissed. “And you say you’re the best out of your friends?” Purple Heart’s grin returned and he nodded.

“Eeyup,” he confirmed. “Next round?”

“Set it up.”

* * *

“Shh, shh,” Fluttershy soothed, coaxing the Timberwolf pup from the cage. “It’s alright. Everything is gonna be okay. I know what it’s like to be scared. But it’s fine. Slate won’t hurt you anymore. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Fluttershy attempts to identify with the Timberwolf pup,” the Discord-voice boomed. “Make a Handle Animal check.” The pink-maned pegasus looked around in surprise. Rarity was more stunned at the fact that the Timberwolf pup hadn’t bolted when the voice spoke.

“I make a ‘Handle Animal’ check,” Fluttershy whispered softly.

Several seconds passed, the only sounds being the chirping of birds in the forest and the mute bubbling of a stream off in the distance. The pup moved, inching slowly forward towards Fluttershy.

“Check successful,” the Discord-voice announced. “The Timberwolf pup knows that PC Fluttershy means it no harm.” The Timberwolf slid closer to Fluttershy until its head was nuzzling against her outstretched hoof.

“Well done, dear!” Rarity applauded. “Now, do you think the little one will take us to their pack?” Fluttershy looked up at her friend, her hoof stroking the pup’s head.

“I’m not sure,” the yellow pegasus replied. “She’s still kinda scared. Being cooped up in that cage for so long must have been horrible.”

“Can you ask her?” the fashionista queried. Fluttershy shrugged, returning her gaze to the little pup.

“I can try,” she said.

“Try, dear,” Rarity said. “It can’t hurt.”

“It might hurt him.”

“Take your time then.”

* * *

“...How did you do that?” Boomer asked incredulously. The manic smile that had never left Purple Heart’s since the first game grew again.

“Learned that from my sister,” he said slyly. “It took some time to perfect, but now, it’s a ridiculous weapon.”

“I noticed that. That’s a jerk move.”

“Ke-hehehehe. Eeyup. That’s why I love to use it.”

“Humph.”

“You seem to be enjoying yourself,” Amber mused, glancing sidelong at Purple Heart. “Been under a rock long?” Purple Heart snorted good naturedly and turned to the golden unicorn, his face softening out of its manic appearance.

“Of course I’m enjoying myself,” he replied. “Do you think that I don’t know how to have fun?”

Amber opened her mouth to counter the presumptuous pony but decided against it. Over the short amount of time that the golden unicorn had known Purple Heart, not once had she seen a genuine smile on his ruggedly handsome features. But now, he wore a smile that seemed like it had been plastered to his face and would never fade.

The clattering sound of metal on wood pulled Amber Glitter from her thoughts. Looking up, she noticed that the smile had evaporated from Purple Heart’s features and had been replaced by a look of blank annoyance. Inversely, Boomer’s face had gone from blank disbelief to surprised pleasure. Several seconds of stunned silence followed the collapse of the wires. Then there was a loud outburst of unmitigated rage.

“ARGH!” Purple Heart roared. Boomer allowed a bemused smile to curve his lips. Amber watched worriedly as the old earth pony placed his last wire, winning the game for himself. Each stallion had one win now, thus making the odds of success a great deal lower for Amber and Purple Heart.

“Angry much?” Boomer mocked as he began to disentangle the pile of wires below the stand. Purple Heart glowered at the old stallion’s jibe and began to pull his pieces towards him.

“One more game laddie,” Boomer mused. “And either you win, or you die.”

“Oh please,” Purple Heart snorted. “This is not a game of thrones.”

“Just play the game,” the old stallion sighed.

“I fully intend to,” the purple barbarian retorted. “Jibes aren’t necessary.”

“You don’t like playful banter?”

“I’m not your wife. Playful banter is limited to friends, relatives, and spouses.”

“Oh, would you two just shut up and play?!” Amber snapped. “While you may be content to argue the finer points of decorum and societal spats, I am more worried about the completion and hopeful winning of this game to release the princess.” Both stallions blinked at the unicorn’s outburst in surprise, unused to such candor speech from the golden mare.

“Yes ma’am,” the two stallions chorused, rolling the die to begin the game.

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

Chapter 28: Aftershocks

Wits End opened an eye, closing it almost immediately as the light in the room set off something akin to a supernova inside his skull. “Everything is terrible,” he growled, pulling his cloak over his head.

“Are you alright?” Twilight sat next to the prone pony, an expression of concern on her face.

A mint-dappled snout poked out of the cloak, a single green eye glaring from under the cloth overhang. “What part of ‘everything is terrible’ makes you think I might be okay?”

Twilight frowned. “Sorry, but it’s time for us to head out if we’re going to reach the capital in time.”

The muzzle retreated back into its cave. “I hate all of the things.”

With a sigh, Twilight left the unicorn to recover. “Applejack, is everything ready to go?”

“Sure is, Twi.” Applejack grinned, patting the cart. “Ah double checked the supplies. We’ve got plenty to get us to the capital. So long as no-pony jumps us on the road, that is.”

“Okay captain, with armor like this, we can go all the way to Berlivery.”

The two mares jumped in surprise at the sudden appearance of Wits End, standing with the hood of his cloak pulled down to obscure all but his mouth. “I thought you’d need more time to recover,” Twilight asked, holding a hoof over her pounding heart.

“We are strong, you highness.” Wits End winced. “Just make the room stay still.”

“...It is still.”

Wits End was silent for a moment. “Well, thanks for trying anyway. We good to go?”

Applejack nodded. “Now that ya’ll are up and about. Are you good to go?”

The mint-colored pony waved a hoof dismissively, running a dry tongue across his lips. “I’ll be fine. Let’s get this show on the-” He paused, a look of discomfort on what little of his face was visible. “..road,” he finished, looking a little paler than before. “I’m gonna wait outside. Fresh air and such.”

The two mares watched as Wits End dragged himself outside, stopping to lean against the doorframe for a moment before exiting. “Is he alright?” Applejack asked.

Twilight sighed and shrugged. “He has all the classic symptoms of a hangover. Sensitivity to light, dry mouth, dizziness, nausea…”

“Nausea?” Applejack cocked her head. “He didn’t seem-” Violent retching and the sound of something liquid hitting the ground outside silenced the farmpony. “Never mind,” she finished. “Let’s go.”

Twilight nodded, following behind the orange pony. “It’s a shame we can’t spend more time here reading every book in this place. Still, I can’t wait to get to the capital,” Twilight said excitedly. “One of the books I read was all about it. Apparently, under the street, there’s a- AUGH.” The purple pony was pulled off her hooves by a field of golden light over the doorway, landing back in the library. “What in Equestria was that?”

“Twilight Sparkle has left the library,” Wits End said dramatically. “Twilight Sparkle has been saved.”

“What in tarnation are you on about?” Applejack asked.

“I dunno.” Wits End passed back through the doorway, helping Twilight back up. “If I had to guess, I’d say you’ve got something the library doesn’t want you taking out.”

Twilight’s face turned red. “I-I don’t know what it could be.”

Wits End pointed a hoof weakly. “OBJECT- Oh geez, that hurts.” He leaned in closer, poking her saddlebags with his horn. “Are you suuuuuuure?”

Twilight looked around nervously. “A-absolutely.”

“She’s lyin’,” Applejack offered.

“Thank you, Detective Gumhoof.” Wits End turned back to Twilight. “Empty your bag, ma’am.”

“Wh- I-” Twilight sighed, shoulders sagging in defeat. “Fine.” Her horn glowed as her saddlebags floated off her back, upturning and dumping its contents onto the ground.

Wits End picked up one of the many books, raising an eyebrow at the alicorn. “Really, princess? Thievery?”

“These books are one-of-a-kind!” Twilight exclaimed. “We’ll never find anything like these back in Equestria. What was I supposed to do? Leave them here in this abandoned library, where no-pony would ever read them again?”

“Twilight,” Wits End said flatly. “We’re in a game. The books don’t really exist.”

“...Oh.”

Wits End patted her on the back, leading her through the doorway. “Don’t worry. I’m sure Discord will make you copies when we’re finished. But to do that, we have to get to the capital.”

Twilight sighed again. “Fine. Let’s get out of here before I break down one of these walls to get those books.”

* * *

“And so, any attempt to create an object via magic alone only works for as long as the caster is concentrating on the spell.” Twilight finished explaining with a smile. “To make it permanent, the caster has to use up some physical materials.”

Wits End’s eyes lit up. “So it’s like Foalmetal Alchemist!”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Foalmetal… what?”

“Foalmetal Alchemist? Equivalent exchange? Known to some ponies as ‘the closest a story has ever gotten to perfect, and thus will be the standard to which all other stories are held to’?” Wits End saw the confusion on the mare’s face and sighed. “Ponykind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return.” His voice made it obvious he was reciting it from memory. “To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy’s first law of equivalent exchange.” He grinned. “Isn’t that an awesome phrase?”

Twilight’s expression screwed up in thought. “That’s… actually pretty accurate for summoning magic. Where can I find this… Foalmetal Alchemist?”

Wits End’s grin widened. “Oh, I’ll hook you up so good.”

“Ah hate ta interrupt ya’ll,” Applejack cut in, “but all Ah asked was if magic could help grow apples.”

The two magic-users fell silent. After a moment, Twilight cleared her throat. “Ponykind cannot gain apples without-”

“Yeah, that what Ah figured.”

Wits End chuckled. He fell silent for a few minutes, his expression turning serious. “Actually, I want to ask you two something.”

“What is it, Wits?” Twilight asked.

“Last night…” The mint-colored unicorn bit his lower lip. “Did I… Did I say anything… weird?”

Applejack glanced at him. “Ya don’t remember?”

“I remember bits and pieces.” Wits End thought for a second. “I remember singing the Ponymon theme. I remember something about cutie marks. I remember giving Twilight her stick.”

“It’s a wand,” Twilight interrupted.

“I just wanna know if I said anything… You know, embarrassing.”

Applejack tapped her chin with a forehoof. “Well, ya said some pretty nice stuff about not havin’ a cutie mark, ya talked about how yer friends are a bunch of softies, and ya said ya lie when its funny.” She looked at Twilight. “Did Ah miss anything?”

“Remind me to explain subtlety to you later,” Twilight muttered.

Wits End sighed. So I didn’t blow our human-ness, he thought. Good. I can’t believe I got wasted in a world of cartoon ponies.

“I was actually wondering,” Twilight was saying, “when you said that you lie, it didn’t seem like you had any real regrets about it.”

The mint-colored unicorn thought for a moment. “Well, why regret what’s part of who you are?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I guess ‘lie’ is the wrong word for it. I grab onto things I like. Personality traits, phrases, stuff like that. Then I integrate them into myself. You could call it a lie ‘cause it’s not who I was before, but it’s who I am now.” He smiled weakly. “Fitting for the Mimic, huh?”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at him. “So how’re we suppose to trust ya now that ya’ll told us that ya lie for fun?”

Wits End looked at them with an expression of utter non-comprehension. “Because you’re in my party.” He saw the looks of confusion on their faces. “You might have noticed that I’ve been tense ever since this whole game started. I’ve had,” he paused for a moment and chuckled, “I’ve had more of a stick up my tail that Twilight had.”

Twilight blushed. “H-hey!”

“But you guys made me loosen up last night. I need ponies to do that for me before I can trust them.” He smiled; an honest, unforced smile. “I trust you, so you can trust me.”

“So we’re friends now?” Applejack asked.

“I just said you’re on my party. Why are we still talking about this?” Wits End pulled his hood down, placing his peaked cap back on his head with a flourish. “You, Applejack, are my friend.”

Applejack blushed, remembering his teasing from the day before. “Well gosh, thanks.”

“And this purple pony,” Wits End continued, “with her book-thieving and her tail-sticks. She too is my-”

“Okay,” Twilight interrupted, “you have to stop.”

“Hold there!” A pair of dirty, bedraggled ponies stood in the middle of the path. The rust-brown pegasus drew his sword dramatically. “Stand and deliver, good gentlepon- YOU!”

Wits End blinked, staring disbelievingly at the two bandit ponies. “Oh, it’s the ‘they don’t have any bits’ guys! Daffy and Rocky!” He turned to his companions. “These are the guys who captured Fluttershy, Pinkie, and me.”

“It’s Bugsy an’ Mugsy!” the muddy-blue Unicorn shouted, nostrils flaring angrily.

“This is most fortunate,” Mugsy continued, glancing sidelong at his partner in crime. “We can capture the alicorn and recoup our losses from when the boss was defeated.”

“That’s perfect!” Bugsy agreed, drawing her bow. “Come on, you three!”

“I’m sure we can come to an agreement somehow?” Twilight asked, eyes shifting as she looked for the tell-tale signs of a combat encounter.

“Shut it, Ali-nag!” Bugsy growled. “Th’ only ‘agreement’ you’re gonna come to is the one where some shady noblepony pays us royally for your sorry flan-”

There was a sudden flash of light, followed shortly by a crash of thunder. A bolt of lightning crashed into the ground between the two bandit ponies, sending them flying off the path and into a nearby tangle of bushes and brambles. The two mares stared at Wits End, whose horn glowed with motes of brilliant violet light.

Wits End flicked his head to the side, sending a few remaining sparks of energy scattering around him. “No-pony talks to my friends like that,” he growled, walking passed the two stunned and twitching bandits.

“H-how’d you do that?” Twilight asked, trotting to catch up with the stallion. “That was a lightning bolt; one of my lightning bolts!”

“I figured out what Imitate Skill does,” he replied flippantly.

“Well?” Applejack asked, joining the two ponies. “What is it?”

“It lets me use another pony’s skill as a spell.” Wits End glanced over his shoulder, checking on the two entangled bandits. “I’m sure there’s some limits on it, but for now, whatever you can do, I can do… well, as well as you can.”

Twilight pondered this new information. “I wonder how that works. Is it a purely mechanical transfer of ability? Or does it imitate some part of whoever you’re copying?”

“Ah wonder how ya’ll would look copyin’ ‘Shy’s Stare,” Applejack mused. “Or Purple Heart’s Berserk?”

Wits End shuddered. “Let’s hope we don’t find out what that’s like.”
With a shock, Twilight’s eyes went wide. “Oh Sweet Celestia, I completely forgot about checking on the others! Make sure I don’t walk into anything!” She closed her eyes, letting her legs for on autopilot while she focused. “Rarity? Are you alright? Do you need help? We can be there soon if you’re still in trouble!”

“Yes, dear. We’re fine. There was a little panic for a while, but we got through it.”

Twilight sighed from relief. “Well, as long as you three are alright. What happened?”

“We had to do pair of challenges to help this golden unicorn. Purple Heart has to play some game against the group’s leader while Fluttershy and myself have to capture and tame some Timberwolves for a war band-”

“What?! Rarity, did we not just save a village from bandits?”

“Let me finish, dear. As of now, Fluttershy is trying to soothe this Timberwolf pup. We don’t know what we’ll do when she succeeds, but we certainly aren’t going to cater to the whims of these Bandits.”

Twilight’s expression grew grim. “Just be careful. Wits End’s been calling these things ‘side quests’, so if you need to, I think you can just leave without it causing any problems.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Twi. If worse comes to worst, we can always hide behind Purple Heart as he rages. Though I’d rather not.”

“That…” Twilight sighed again. “I’d rather you be a safe distance in that case. I’ll see you when we meet up at the capital. Just… be safe until then, okay?”

“Yes, darling. Talk to you later.”

Twilight shifted her focus to the other group, relief washing over her as she felt the connection establish safely. “Rainbow? You guys didn’t die to that golem, did you?”

“Huh, wha? Oh, hi Twilight. Nah, we managed to reduce it to size,” Rainbow Dash sleepily responded.

“Oh. Okay then, I guess… you guys are okay? Safe?”

“Oh yeah, we’re safe. We actually just got back to the road and are on our way. I was just having a little nap,” Dash paused for a yawn. “For having fallen for the trap we did, I think we came out just fine. I’d tell the full story, but it’ll be my turn to pull one of the loot carts here soon.”

“Alright. I’ll see you all at the capital.” Twilight closed the connection and opened her eyes. “Well, everypony seems- GAH!”
Wits End’s face was less than an inch away from the purple alicorn’s, a massive grin on his face. “Hi.”

“Get away!” She shoved the unicorn away. Wits End took two steps, almost regaining his balance before he stepped on his cloak, sending him sprawling to the ground. “Oops. Sorry, Wits.”

“I should’ve known better,” Wits End muttered, pulling himself back up. “Well, if everypony’s okay, let’s get to that capital.”
Applejack nodded. “Ah agree. Let’s get goin’.”

“Right.” Twilight pointed down the path. “Onwards!”

“To Grasstown!” Wits End chimed in.

“Ah don’t know what that means!” Applejack said triumphantly.

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 29: Arachnophobia

The group trudged on through the darkness of the cave, their renewed spirits having faded many steps ago. While the cavern they had been following had taken a more noticeable upwards slant, it had also grown noticeably more constrained; Rainbow Dash having been forced by its decreased size to take to her hoofs rather than her wings.

“You sure we’re still heading the right way?” the blue pegasus asked, trying to shake the feeling that the cavern had shrunk even more.

“It’s still heading up, so that's gotta mean something,” Light Patch said, giving his mental golf score counter another click.

“Don’t worry Dashie, I’m sure we’ll find the way out soon and then you can do all of the loopidy loopies you want,” Pinkie said, leaning against her friend for a few seconds.

“I suppose now would be a bad time to bring up my mild claustrophobia?” Perfect Profit timidly asked, trying really hard to control her body’s shaking.

“Don’t you worry a moment, Perfect Profit! We’ll get out of here just fine,” Pinkie said moments before the second to last torch died. “Really, Murphy? Now? Don’t you have some ponies elsewhere to bother?” the pink mare screeched, prompting a snort of amusement from the pegasus stallion.

“Did I mention I never coped well with darkness either?” Perfect Profit squeaked out, looking at the final torch still fighting against the darkness. Light Patch, overwhelmed by the absurdity of the situation, burst out laughing, gaining him the ire of the three mares; However, his laughter combined with the lack of light caused him to miss the small cliff; with a yelp, he fell over the edge separating the small tunnel from the larger cavern. The three mares froze with fear, before suddenly his hoof shot back into view.

“I’m okay,” he managed. “By the way, watch that first step; it’s a bit of a doozy.” As the rest of the mares caught up, he turned to observe the darkness of the new cavern. As he’d expected, only darkness greeted him, until just barely, for just a second, he thought he’d saw something. Wanting to be sure it wasn’t just some kind of strange dirt on his glasses, he gave them a quick clean before checking again. But again, the same ghostly sparkles just on the edge of observation. He gave a swift punch to Rainbow Dash, then quickly cut her exclamation off by throwing his hoof out into the darkness. “Is it just me, or do you see something out there?” With a lingering glare, the pegasus mare turned her head to peer into the darkness; her stronger eyesight quickly picking out what he’d spotted.

“It’s light,” she hesitantly stated, squinting to try and make it out better. “I, I think it’s a town” she shouted. The ponies all glanced at each other before quickly setting off towards the light as fast as they could manage. Rainbow Dash was naturally the first one to the entrance of the strange town. Not that I’d really call it a town, she thought, looking at the strange architecture. Just peeking through the opening, she saw more cave entrances rather than actual doors. She approved of the blue flames on the torches. Those are almost as awesome as me. Whoever lives here, though, if anypony does, should really clean a little more, though, she considered, looking at the many webs hanging about, they should also look into spending a little more time fixing too.

“Don’t tell me you pocketed the gate guards, Rainbow,” Light Patch quipped when he and the rest of the group caught up. “They can’t have been that handsome,” The stallion finished, earning a few giggles from the two earth pony mares, and a glare from Rainbow Dash.

“There wasn’t anypony here,” she shot back with a snort. “Besides, I think this place is abandoned.” This prompted a small frown from the pegasus stallion, who peaked through the open gate for a few moments.

“Yeah, the place does seem deserted. We still have to scavenge, but we’ll want to be smart about it. And we should grab as many of these torches as we can. I think their magic.”

“There might even be a map of the cavern system we could use down here,” Pinkie said, tearing herself away from the torch she was looking at. With a gleeful step, she lead the group through the gates. Light Patch shook his head in amusement at the pink mare, and double timed to catch up.

Before he knew what had happened, the stallion found himself pinned to the ground. Squeals of surprise were his only indication that the others had been caught too. He began to flail around, attempting to free himself from the sticky net pinning him. With luck, he managed to tear himself loose from the ground but could still feel his wings stuck to his sides. The grey pegasus turned, preparing to free the others from the trap when something larger dropped onto his back, nailing him to the floor again. The stallion forced one of his wings free, ignoring the pain of several feathers being ripped out. Light Patch quickly freed his second wing; before he could attempt to fly, however, two fuzzy pole-like objects savagely pinned them to the ground.

Perfect Profit screamed, and Light Patch looked up in time to see the other mares being cocooned by the spider like beings that had ambushed them. He attempted to headbutt the one pinning him, but only succeeded in having his head forced to the ground. Before he could attempt anything else, fangs pierced his neck. the venom taking quick effect. All of his strength fled, and the creature quickly set about cocooning him.

When he came to again, it was to the uncomfortable warmth of being enclosed in a small space, and the feeling of being carried. And the pain from where he’d been bitten. And while none of it was pleasant, for him it was all heaven as it all meant he was still alive. He tested opening his muzzle and found little give in the cocoon. He could breath, but his speech was severely impaired. Wish I’d taken some ventriloquism classes, he idly mused while testing other restrictions of the cocoon. An action that was brought to a screaming halt as he was dropped to the floor and, with a burst of cool air and light, the section of the cocoon covering his head was ripped away. “Augh! A little warning next time,” Light Patch said, blinking his eyes in pain from the sudden burst of light. After a few seconds, he was able to see normally again.

They appeared to be in a throne room, judging by the ornate chair on a raised dais in front of them. Rainbow and Pinkie were dropped to his right, and Perfect Profit to his left. Dash glowered at the arachnid creatures flanking her and nopony else. But aside from the occasional wiggle—usually ended with a glare or quick poke with the butt of a guard’s spear—she stayed still. Perfect Profit seemed to be on the verge of a break down. Which is totally fair, really; trapped underground, captured by spider creatures, then cocooned up. Their eyes met, and Light Patch tried his best to give a reassuring smile. It seemed to help, although it might have also been the sounds of Pinkie Pie mumbling through her gag, or possibly the annoyed look of the guard closest to her.

All four started when all of the guards in the room pounded the butts of their spears on the floor three times. Light Patch snapped his eyes to the throne in time to see a larger, more important looking arachnid-being sit down in the throne. Where as the guards all appeared to be more based on Daddy Long-legs’, the new being was much more strongly built, looking more like like a tarantula. But still surprisingly feminine, for a spider-like being.

“Why did you bring these four before me?” the arachnid on the throne asked, her voice clearly identifying her gender.

“We caught these four adventurers entering our town, queen,” one of the guards answered, scorn dripping from his emphasis as he entered the group’s view. “However, unlike normal, they seemed to think our town was abandoned,” the guard leader finished, glancing at the ponies. The queen gave a noncommittal noise while she studied the group.

“Throw them into the deep caverns and be done with them,” the queen said after a few moments of thought. “We have more important things to deal with.” While the rest of the group reacted with despair, Light Patch frowned.

That's number one hundred and twenty five on the evil overlords list, he thought before an idea suddenly blinked in his head. I really hope this works. I’m making a bluff check. He took a moment for a deep breath and then burst out laughing, surprising all of the rooms occupants. “That’s a bad move queeny,” he said. “Really bad. That just means that when we do eventually managed to get back to your town, we’ll have all of the really cool, extremely powerful deep relics,” the pegasus stallion said before making a couple of pew pew noises. “And seriously,” his voice started to mimic a females, “throw them into a hole over there somewhere,” he coughed when his impression gave out. The queen thrust herself from the throne and arced through the air to land in front of the cocooned stallion, their faces inches apart.

“I suppose you could think of better?” she asked, only to reel back when Light Patch laughed again.

“I already have. Ones much more horrible and bloody. Not that I’d use them, probably. I’ve read the evil overlord’s list,” prompting odd looks from the mares, and confusion from everything else in the room.

“Then why don’t I just kill the lot of you right now?” the queen retorted, glaring at the fresh gales of laughter from the strange pony.
“Seriously,” the stallion shouted, “what kind of bargain bin evil queen are you? Have you even fought heroes before?” he asked, wishing he actually felt half the bravado that he was putting into his words. “You don’t know heroes do you?” the stallion asked, a musical tone creeping into his voice.

“Oh no, here he goes again,” Rainbow Dash muttered, rolling her eyes.

“For heroes gather momentum, on the brink of Armageddon!” he sang out. “You put us in death traps, but we manage to keep coming back, like a really bad itch!”

“Hussa, like a really bad itch!” Pinkie cheered along with him.

“And what makes you so sure you could escape right now?” The arachnid queen asked, the spider guards closing in spears, at the ready. Light Patch gave his next burst of laughter everything he had.

“You don’t know who you’re talking to.” He paused to emphasize his next words, “I’m. A. Hero,” The pegasus said, laying it on as thick as he could. “I’m the hero who drank a water elemental to death.” He admired the gasp of surprise from the arachnid beings, and also Perfect Profit. “I’ve caused the most fearless scum to jump out windows in fear. And those are just my exploits.” He nodded to the others. “These mares are with me, and if you have had any experience with heros or adventurers, then you know they travel in groups of similar experience. So stop and ask yourself; if those were my exploits, then just how impressive are theirs?” He snorted derisively. “And besides, the question isn’t could you kill us. It was never could you kill us. I’m sure you’ve got the numbers, the magic and the equipment to do it.” He ignored the glares from the other ponies and carried on. “That was never the question. The question is: how much damage could these adventurers do to us if we attempted to kill them, and how vulnerable would that leave us?”

The queen froze locked in thought. Light Patch took it as a chance to carry on. “And once you’re done answering that, then you have to think of this: do we even need to fight them?” The queen glanced at him, curiosity burning in all eight of her eyes. “As your guards noted, we thought the town was abandoned. That means we aren’t here for you. We’re just trying to find our way out.”

“Yeah, so, if you just show us the way out and maybe lend us a couple of torches, we won’t have to squash you like we did that golem,” Rainbow Dash threw in. The arachnid queen looked thoughtfully at the group for a few seconds before she made her mind up. With three strides, she closed the distance between Light Patch.

She lowered her head down, angling her mandibles towards the stallion’s neck. His eyes snapped shut as he felt her mandibles touch, causing him to miss the experience wisp transfer itself from the queen to him. With the snipping sound of cloth, he found himself lose. The Queen moved over quickly releasing the others before striding back to her throne to sit once more. “You have changed my mind. We will assist you in taking your leave of the caverns. As for the question of why, it’s because we,” she paused, “I owe you adventurers. The golem moved in and blocked our access to the temple. Our inability to properly give thanks to the Mother has been troubling my children,” the Queen said as the guards helped the ponies to their feet and to clear the webbing still stuck to them.

“Thank you, your majesty,” Perfect Profit said. “If I may ask a question,” she wavered uncertainly until the queen nodded her assent. “Would you have a place where we’d be able to sell some of our remaining trade goods and gear to purchase equipment and supplies for the travel ahead of us.” She stumbled backwards when the queen suddenly leaped from her throne again.

“You mention trade goods. One of you is a merchant?”

“I am, your majesty,” the earth pony merchant responded with, forcing herself to not shiver when the queen’s gaze locked to her, and the sound her mandibles made clicking together.

“I have a proposition for you, merchant. We have much Arachcolsid silk—it is a natural product of our bodies, you see—but produce more than we actually need. We also have stores of many other things we don’t need; things that are hard to make into what we actually require. Perhaps we can come to a profitable arrangement between us?” the queen suggested, looking at the merchant. “That will come later, however. For now, I can see fatigue haunts you four. Go rest, and we will talk when the specters of fatigue shade you no more,” the queen said, waving them away as she sat in her throne. “The guards will show you to the guest quarters of the palace.” With bows or nods of gratitude, the group turned to follow the guards.

After a much needed rest, they roused themselves and began preparing for their return to the surface. They were surprised when the queen joined them as they explored the markets; explaining her presence as there to negotiate a deal with Perfect Profit, as well as extending credit when their funds ran short. Only Perfect Profit noticed the appraising looks the queen frequently cast towards the party, especially the ones towards Light Patch.

Eventually the group was once again ready to depart; a deal had been struck between Perfect Profit and the queen. She would add the Arachcolsid town to her trade route, and in return the queen would gift them carts along with some other objects. They also had a load of the Arachcolsid silk to sell; the money for that, however, was for use to purchase things the queen had demanded.

The group left the town feeling a lot better knowing that the Arachcolsid guides would lead them to the surface. The guides help made the trip back up swift, and with a quick thanks and goodbye, they set off towards the capital once more.

“It’s really nice to be out of the cavern’s,” the pinto merchant said when they’d stopped for a quick break. Rainbow Dash rose from the cart she’d been napping in and yawned.

“It sure is! It’s really nice to be able to just bounce around without having to worry about accidentally slamming into a stalactite,” Pinkie said, bouncing around the area.

“Stalagmite,” Rainbow Dash chimed in sleepily while pulling herself from the cart “Stalactites hang from the roof of a cavern, stalagmites sprout from the ground. Also, Twilight just checked in so everyone else is probably okay.”

“Awesome sauce. I guess we should get this merchant convoy going again then,” Light Patch said. He turned to start hooking himself back up to a cart, but was surprised by the sudden feeling of being hugged. He jerked his head around to see it was Perfect Profit hugging him. After a couple more seconds, she let go.

“Thank you, thank you so much!” she said trying to hold back tears. “Thanks to you and your actions, not only am I not ruined, but I’m probably in an even better position now than I was at the start of all of this.” She paused, looking as if there was more she wanted to say, but wasn’t sure if she should. Pinkie smiled and threw a look of ‘I told you so’ towards Rainbow Dash, only to whip her head around when she heard Light Patch sigh.

“Look, there’s something I need to say,” the stallion spoke, looking at the ground. Pinkie’s face took on a confused look. “Because of... reasons I’m not comfortable with sharing.” Like not being a pony by birth, he mentally added. “It won’t work between the two of us. I’m sorry.” He looked up at the last line and watched as Perfect Profit’s face contorted into a look of pain. He also noticed, and immediately began to ignore, of the look of anger that Pinkie aimed at him. Oh boy, here comes the waterworks, he thought, noticing a couple of tears slip through the earth ponies scrunched eyes, and her frame shuddered.

He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted when a snort echoed through the silence. Before he could glare at Rainbow Dash, Perfect Profit burst into howling gales of laughter. She fell to the ground, still howling as Light Patch took a step back. Do I feel bad... or worried that she’s about to go psycho and kill me? The grey pegasus glanced first towards the other pegasus of the group, then at the pink earth pony, both showing the same amount of surprise as he was. After a while though, his surprise faded to annoyance, eventually the mare managed to breath in some air.

“I can’t believe you thought-” A lingering snicker interrupted her again, “I mean, you’re certainly good eye candy, but,” she paused, trying to pick her words carefully, “well, you’ve got... you’re... well, to be honest, you’re not really my type. You’re a little to...” She paused again, once again searching for words.

“Crazy?” Rainbow Dash yelped when Pinkie kicked her and gave her a quick glare.

“Yeah,” Perfect Profit quietly agreed, digging at the ground with a hoof slightly before she suddenly glanced up, “Where did you get the idea that I was interested anyway?” the mare asked. She noted it was now the stallions turn to paw at the ground.

“I uh, guess I misread some glances,” he replied sheepishly. “Sorry.” Prompting Perfect Profit to give a small laugh. Pinkie sighed and turned to help the blue pegasus hook up to a cart.

“It’s not a problem. And don’t worry loverboy; it’s not totally hopeless,” the merchant noted, hooking up to a cart herself. “After all, I think that boast you made had an effect on that Arachcolsid queen, unless I misread them myself.” Pinkie and Rainbow glanced at each other, fighting to keep the grins from their face. Light Patch froze in surprise for a few seconds, then with a mighty sigh he facehoofed, muttering something under his breath; prompting another giggle fit from the merchant. After a couple more minutes, they once again set out towards the capital.

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 30: Wolves und Ponies

“I think he’s ready,” Fluttershy said finally. Rarity jerked in surprise, stood from where she had been sleeping beside a massive oak, and hurriedly wiped a string of drool from her lips as she cantered over to where Fluttershy sat with the Timberwolf pup.

“Well done, dear,” the fashionista congratulated. “Which way?” The wooden canine yipped happily. Rarity smiled. She wasn’t surprised that the pup had grown accustomed to the yellow pegasus in such a short amount of time.

“Juni says she will show us which way to go,” Fluttershy explained. Rarity arched an eyebrow regally.

“Juni?” she echoed.

“It’s a nickname,” Fluttershy continued. “Short for Juniperus Cupressaceae Lupus.”

“Aha. Lovely name.”

Juni barked and jumped around near the treeline, waiting for the two mares to follow. When they did, the little pup raced into the forest, yipping all the way. The trio walked through the forest, getting further and further away from the bandit’s camp. Every so often, Juni would scamper ahead before returning to pant at Fluttershy’s hooves. This repeated for the next ten minutes as Juni led Rarity and Fluttershy deeper into the forest. Eventually, Juni froze in the middle of a runaround and perked her ears up. Fluttershy and Rarity walked up behind the little pup and stopped, watching as Juni turned her head from side to side, as if listening for something.

“Do you think she’s listening for her pack?” Rarity piped up.

“I think so,” Fluttershy replied, her eyes fixed on the Timberwolf pup. Suddenly, Juni darted away, leaving Fluttershy and Rarity stranded alone in the forest.

“Um,” Rarity mumbled. “Now what?” Fluttershy opened her mouth to respond, but never got the chance. A howl pierced the forest’s silence and there was a thundering sound of approaching paws. Within seconds, the two mares were surrounded by a score of Timberwolves. Juni herself stood between the paws of the largest Timberwolf in the pack, the one directly across from Fluttershy. From its size, the yellow pegasus had to guess that it was the alpha leader of the pack. The alpha’s nostrils flared as it sniffed the air. Its eyes focused on the yellow pegasus as branches and bark pulled back to reveal teeth that looked remarkably similar to massive thorns.

Without warning, the alpha Timberwolf pounced, knocking Fluttershy to the ground. As she shrieked, the alpha’s head dropped, jaw hanging open.

...And a large, wet tongue dragged across her entire body, accompanied by happy panting. The alpha licked Fluttershy’s face again, leaving drool and leaves in her hair with an excited woof.

Fluttershy blinked, her terror giving way to confusion. “T-Taxi?”

The alpha Timberwolf barked happily and let her tongue loll down past its teeth.

“You know this Timberwolf?” Rarity asked, her tone surprised.

“She’s a friend,” Fluttershy explained, pulling herself out from under the wooden canine. “Mister End, Pinkie, and I rescued her- Well, we rescued each other from the bandit camp. The one back in Roads Crossed, I mean.” She was cut off by another wet lick to the side of the head. “We let her go before the bandits attacked to find her pack. It looks like she did.”

“Aha,” Rarity murmured. “Do you think you can convince her to come with us back to the other bandit camp? I’m sure we can talk to Boomer about Slate.”

Fluttershy’s ears folded back. “I-I don’t know. Can’t we just say Juni got away from us, and they can just give us a new task?” Rarity shook her head sadly, her mane bobbing with the motion of her head.

“I don’t think they’ll let us,” she soothed. “And they’d probably do us harm if we return without the pack.”

Fluttershy’s gaze turned toward the ground. “Okay…” She turned back to Taxi. “Taxi? Can you come with us?” The large Timberwolf barked and nuzzled gently against Fluttershy’s mane, her tongue lolling past her thorn-like teeth.

Fluttershy looked over her shoulder at Rarity, a small smile curving her lips. “She says ‘yes’.”

* * *

Boomer growled in frustration as Purple Heart successfully placed his second to last piece on the already precarious structure of wires. The purple earth pony had been truthful in his boast of being exceptional at Suspend. It was highly possible that the second win for the old stallion had been a fluke, but Boomer wasn’t one to overthink things. A win was a win, particularly in this case and he needed only one more to end this little spree of entertainment

That said, the chances of Boomer winning this third and final game were becoming slimmer and slimmer by the second. As he placed his third to last piece on the wire nest, the structure shivered. The old stallion held a breath as he pulled his hoof away, his eyes fixed on the trembling game before him. Once the wire structure settled, he gently pushed the die over to Purple Heart’s side of the table.

“Your turn,” Boomer said softly, keeping his voice low as to not cause any unnecessary tremors to the table that would upend the game. Sure, had the pieces fallen the purple earth pony would’ve been given the subsequent pieces and set back to the point that he would be unable to win. Had Boomer been more nefarious or underhoofed, he would’ve found a way to make seemingly random mistakes or happenings work to his advantage. Instead, he chose to be a little honorable...when it suited him.

Purple Heart sucked his teeth as he rolled the die, coming up with a color that he didn’t have. But Boomer did. The old pony cracked a tense smile as Purple Heart pulled Boomer’s last black ended piece.

“Careful there, laddie,” Boomer mused.

“Shaddup,” Purple Heart hissed, considering his options. Eventually, he placed the piece near a rather unbalanced area. To Amber and Boomer’s combined surprise, nothing happened to the nest of wires aside from a slight shivering in the support structure. Now they had one piece each left. The golden unicorn watched mutely as Purple Heart slid the colored die over to Boomer. She had alternating between holding her breath and sighing in relief whenever precarious plays had been made. A frown creased her forehead when she noticed the smirk on Purple Heart’s lips.

What’s got him so amused? she thought to herself. Should I ask him? Will he snap? Her curiosity got the better of her cautious nature and she opened her mouth to address the purple earth pony.

“What’s so funny?” she asked. Purple Heart chuckled evilly, but didn’t look at the golden unicorn.

“Indeed,” he said. “If he rolls a certain color, I’m certain to win.”

“And what color is that?” Amber asked. Her frown returned when Purple Heart didn’t respond as he was gazing intently at Boomer as the old pony rolled the die. The wooden cube clattered on the table and spun several times before coming to rest with the die’s one red side. Amber looked on in blank confusion as Purple Heart jerked away from the table and began to bounce around uncharacteristically like a little colt. She had no idea what prompted such behavior. When Amber looked at Boomer, she had the distinct feeling that the game was the source of the purple earth pony’s strange behavior. Boomer’s face was twisted into a look of displeasure at how things were turning out.

“Why are you doing that?” Amber asked, turning to address the bounding Purple Heart. The purple barbarian took a moment to cease his antics so that he could answer the question.

“When Boomer rolled the die, he got a color that he didn’t have but I did,” Purple Heart explained. “So he has to play my piece.”

“And why does that make you prance about like that?” she asked quizzically. The grin on Purple Heart’s face grew to massive proportions.

“We win,” Purple Heart elaborated, “regardless of what happens. If he places the piece successfully, we win because I have no more pieces. If he makes the wires fall, he gets all those pieces and we still win. So, our victory is assured.” Amber blinked in surprise and a smile split her face. The pronoun Purple Heart utilized wasn’t lost on her, but she didn’t point it out. Boomer sighed, moved around the table and held his hoof out for Purple Heart to shake, forgoing the embarrassment of placing the final piece on an already precarious structure.

“Well played,” the old stallion congratulated. “Now, why don’t we go check on your friends?” Purple Heart smiled and inclined his head in acquiescence as the Suspend game shimmered out of existence.

“We’ll pass by the camp to retrieve the filly on our way,” Boomer assured as they walked from the clearing. “I wonder how your friends are doing with their task.” Purple Heart’s smile faded as he looked at Amber.

“I’m sure they’ve completed their task like we did,” Purple Heart mused, “even if I did it on my own.” He smiled apologetically at Amber. The golden unicorn shook her head and waved a hoof dismissively.

“You know more of that game than I do,” she said. “I’m glad you knew what you were doing, else we wouldn’t have succeeded in completing the task.” Purple Heart bobbed his head from side to side.

“Understandable,” he replied. “Now, why don’t we get going?”

* * *

“Ah, well done,” Slate crowed, applauding as Rarity and Fluttershy returned to the clearing, Taxi and her pack close behind them.

“We brought the pack to you,” Rarity seethed. “What are you going to them?” An evil grin crossed Slate’s face.

“Why, we’ll break them of course,” he chortled happily. “Having an entire pack of Timberwolves will be invaluable in a scrap. I’m very thankful for your assistance.”

“Excuse me,” Fluttershy cut in. “W-what do you mean by ‘scrap’?” Slate snorted derisively and moved closer to the pack and the two mares.

“Combat,” he elaborated. “Obviously. Honestly, I don’t have the faintest idea why Boomer even gave you a chance to leave. You’re so dull.” Rarity’s eyes flashed with rage.

“What did you just say?” she hissed.

Slate sneered at the mares, unaware of the five ponies that were advancing slowly into the clearing behind him. “You’re dull. Unimportant. Boring.”

Fluttershy’s head was lowered, her ears hanging low. “You’re not a nice pony,” she muttered.

Slate threw his head back and cackled. “Of course I’m not a nice pony. I joined these bandits to make money. I’d happily break a thousand Timberwolves and send them into hundreds of battles if it brought me a pretty bit.”

It took a few seconds for Fluttershy to respond. For some ponies, quiet, reserved types are meant need to be protected, or coaxed out of their shell. Others think they to be walked over, used, and discarded.

Some ponies know better.

Fluttershy looked up at Slate. A hint of tears hung at the corners of her eyes, but the look in them was anything but weak. “You’re a bad pony,” she said, her throat tightening. “Taxi? Fetch.”

In a single movement, the massive Timberwolf bounded forward, scooping the earth pony stallion up in its jaws. Its hold was surprisingly gentle, if uncomfortably firm. Taxi’s action had been swift and devastating, too quick for Slate react beyond a terrified squeak.

“Something wrong here?” Purple Heart asked, intruding on the conversation. Fluttershy and Rarity turned in surprise. Standing at the edge of the clearing was Purple Heart, Amber Glitter, Boomer, the small filly, and a cloaked unicorn.

“Purple Heart?” Rarity whispered. “What are you doing here?” The purple barbarian shrugged and jerked his head at Boomer.

“I beat the challenge,” he stated simply. “But right now, I’m rather curious as to why there’s a large Timberwolf chewing on an earth pony.”

“Not chewing,” Fluttershy corrected. “Gently holding.” She glared back at Slate. “For now, that is.” Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the choice of words.

“Who is he?” he asked. Boomer stepped forward, his brow furrowed in confusion.

“His name is Slate Doraibor,” the aged earth pony said. “My second in command. Slate, what are the Timberwolves doing here? I told you to send them to collect herbs.” Slate snorted and winced as Taxi closed her jaws.

“We don’t need herbs,” he scoffed. “We need weapons. And money. Training these wolves for combat and maybe even selling a few off to fight pits would definitely satisfy both those needs.” Boomer’s face went blank as he stared at the pony he had entrusted with the title of ‘second’.

“You may need those things, Slate,” Boomer said darkly. “But I know I certainly don’t.”

“You’re weak, old one,” Slate sneered. “You aren’t willing to take risks. Not like I am. I’m willing to bring us out of the shadows and into the light. I-”

“Can I make a request, Boomer?” Purple Heart interrupted. The old pony turned to look at the purple barbarian, a curious expression on his face.

“Yes?” he asked.

“Can I please make sure that he,” Purple Heart pointed at Slate, “doesn’t try anything like this again? I’m certain you have similar thoughts about him being a scumbag and wouldn’t be too sad if he just ‘left’.” Boomer was silent as he considered the large earth pony’s proposition. Amber and Rarity shifted uncomfortably as the silence dragged out. Fluttershy made no move as she watched the conversation. Eventually, Boomer stirred.

“Very well,” the old pony said. “I think you deserve to decide Slate’s fate. It was your friends that he wronged.” Purple Heart inclined his head in thanks and turned to Taxi. Slowly, cautiously, he advanced towards the large Timberwolf. Taxi growled around the obstruction in her mouth and raised her hackles.

“Fluttershy?” Purple Heart called. “Could you please get the Timberwolf to drop Slate?”

Fluttershy frowned, but turned to Taxi. “Taxi? Drop him.” The earth pony dropped out of the Timberwolf’s mouth unceremoniously, a dollop of twigs and drool dripping onto his back a moment later.

“What are you gonna do to me?” Slate sneered, shifting his gaze between Fluttershy and Purple Heart. “I’m sure it isn’t any worse than what Boomer would do to me.” Purple Heart barked a cold laugh.

“Slate,” he said, narrowing his eyes at the slobbery earth pony. “I want you to do something for me.” Slate arched an eyebrow at the advancing purple barbarian.

“Oh?” he muttered. “What-” He choked in his words as he was paralyzed by a hard, cold blue stare. Purple Heart came to a stop over the wet pony and leaned forward, bringing his hard cobalt orbs down to look directly into Slate’s wide ones.

“Run,” Purple Heart whispered. “Run away and never return.” Slate didn’t have to be told twice. His eyes still wide from fear, he scrambled out from under the masses of Purple Heart and Taxi before hightailing it into the forest.
Fluttershy looked between Purple Heart and where Slate had disappeared. “You’re letting him just leave like that?” Purple Heart shrugged and turned to face Boomer.

“Last I checked,” he mused, much louder than was necessary. “Somepony here had the ear of a certain Timberwolf Alpha. I’m sure that this alpha would be very happy to do something for that pony.” He looked over his shoulder at Fluttershy and winked.

“Oh…” Fluttershy’s eyes widened as recognition dawned. “Taxi?” The Timberwolf’s ears perked up, her head cocked to one side. “Chase the bad pony.”

The Timberwolf arced its head toward the sky, letting loose a howl that was quickly picked up by the rest of the pack. The wooden wolves bounded into the forest, their cries echoing as they followed the path of their prey. Soon enough, the forest was silent again.
Fluttershy turned back to Purple Heart, an innocent smile on her face. “I’m sure he’ll appreciate the lesson he’s learning.” An equally innocent smiled curved Purple Heart’s lips as he looked at the shy yellow pegasus.

“Indeed,” he agreed, turning back to Boomer. “Welp, we’re done.” Boomer cleared his throat and nodded.

“You have completed the challenges,” the old pony said. “You are free to go. With the young one of course.” He gestured and the small filly trotted over to stand beside . Amber inclined her head to Purple Heart.

“Thank you for assisting me in getting Opal back,” she said. “I may have misjudged you too quickly.” Purple Heart waved a hoof dismissively.

“It happens,” he replied. “I probably deserved it though. I was a bit of a arse for a while. Not exactly sure why though... Regardless, we got your maid back.” Rarity, who had just trotted forward with Fluttershy to join the conversation, blinked.

“Maid?” she echoed, looking between Amber and the blue-green filly in confusion. “I thought Amber was the maid.” Purple Heart chuckled. Rarity half expected him to make a scathing retort, but none came, much to her surprise.

“How do you know Amber isn’t a maid?” Fluttershy asked quietly. The three mares and the small filly all turned to look expectantly at the purple barbarian pony.

“Didn’t you notice the way she walked?” Purple Heart asked. “How similar it was to how Princess Luna or Celestia walks? And her bearing? Never before have I seen such a pretty maid with no slouch what so freaking ever. She’s a princess. Of that I am certain.” Rarity and Fluttershy looked at Amber, awaiting her confirmation or denial. Amber nodded.

“He’s right,” she confessed. “I’m a princess.”

“Oh,” Rarity mumbled, partially irritated with herself for not noticing the signs earlier.

“Now what?” Fluttershy asked softly. “We helped Amber get her friend back. Do we just leave?”

“Not yet,” Boomer spoke up. “I have a request.” The group turned to the old pony. Boomer reached into his cloak and pulled out a gold medallion stamped with an icon of a crown that hung from a thick chain around his neck.

“As Purple Heart has already said,” Boomer continued, “I was part of the Royal Family. I was banished by my brother Bastion for the murder of our sister.” There were several sharp intakes of breath. Rarity and Fluttershy both covered their mouths with a hoof in horror as they backed away. Amber followed suit and gently pulled Opal with her, anxiety filling her eyes as she looked fearfully at Boomer. Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the old pony as he remained stationary.

“You were framed, huh?” he asked. Boomer nodded and his head drooped in sorrow. Purple Heart frowned at the old pony. He opened his mouth to speak but was beaten by Rarity.

“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” the white fashionista barked. Boomer looked up sadly, tears forming at the creases of his eyes.

“You don’t,” he murmured. “But please, hear me out. Bastion still has evidence that incriminates himself. I managed to see the dagger along with several other items he used before I was hauled away and evicted from the city.” The silver pony crumpled at Purple Heart’s feet and began to sob openly.

“Please!” Boomer begged. “Prove that Bastion is the murderer! He took my sister from me! Please! He deserves to be punished!”

“I say we help him!” Rarity declared immediately. “He’s obviously not responsible!”

“I agree,” Fluttershy said resolutely. “Nopony should have to suffer like this. We should find the true killer and bring them to justice.” Purple Heart was silent for several seconds as he pondered his thoughts. After a minute or two, he inhaled deeply before speaking.

“Very well,” he said. “We shall search for evidence against Bastion while we find out who hired the bandits. How will we contact you when we’ve completed our task?” Boomer stood and wiped tears from his wrinkled cheeks. A smile broke across his old face as he looked up at Purple Heart.

“I’ll know,” Boomer assured. “Aside from that, I also know who hired the bandits. Though you’ll need proof of that as well.” The mares looked at the old pony in surprise.

“Who?” Amber asked. “What hired the bandits?”

“Why Bastion of course,” Boomer replied. He ignored the gasps of surprise from Amber, Rarity, and Fluttershy and continued speaking. “Now, you should get going. I’ll give you a map so that you can find your way to the capital.” Purple Heart inclined his head in thanks, not exactly surprised about Bastion.

“That would be much appreciated,” the barbarian pony said. “I think a carriage would be helpful as well.”

“Oh!” Boomer cried. “I almost forgot something.”

Purple Heart cocked his head in confusion as Boomer gestured to a unicorn behind him. The bandit cantered forward, a box held by his magic. Boomer inclined his head to the bandit and opened the box. When he turned back to Purple Heart, he held a bronze gauntlet in one hoof.

“It’s dangerous to go alone,” the old pony said. “take this.” Purple Heart blinked at the aged earth pony for a long time, switching his gaze between the gauntlet, Boomer, and back again. Rarity, Fluttershy, Amber, and Opal cocked their heads at the purple earth pony in confusion, watching the annoyance growing on his face.

“But I’m not alone,” Purple Heart retorted, gesturing at the mares behind him. Boomer shrugged.

“Nuance,” he countered. “This gauntlet has-”

“Don’t tell me,” Purple Heart interrupted, raising a hoof as he hoped to get back at the old pony. “It’s been in your family for GENERATIONS!” Silence fell as Boomer and those present looked blankly at the flexing purple earth pony. Purple Heart could have sworn that there were crickets chirping somewhere.

“Or not,” he mumbled to himself, coming out of his sparkle-less pose. His ploy had failed. Much like Boomer’s had. Or was it Discord’s…
Boomer gave him a disgusted look and held the gauntlet out.

“This gauntlet,” the old pony growled, “has been an heirloom of the Royal Family ever since this realm’s creation. Only the bravest and purest of kings may wield it in battle.” Purple Heart cocked an eyebrow as he politely took the gauntlet.

“Bravest and purest,” he mused softly. Guess that rules me out. He kept the last to himself and tried to slip the gauntlet on after removing one of his leather bracers.
It wouldn’t slip on.
Purple Heart frowned and peered closely at the gauntlet before trying once more to put it on his foreleg.

“What is this, Thor’s gauntlet or something?” the purple earth pony growed angrily. There was a sudden shock from the gauntlet, eliciting a yelp of surprise from the large earth pony and making him drop it to the ground.

“You do not have the requisite skill to equip this item,” a Discord-like voice boomed.

“Carp,” Purple Heart swore. “Damn levels.” Cautiously, he took the gauntlet once more and looked up at Boomer. “What now?” Boomer’s smiled and he gestured to a large selection of carriages off in one cordoned-off area of the clearing.

“Let’s get you a carriage!” he crowed, his jovial mood returning. “Let me see what we have in stock!” Amber, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Opal rolled their eyes in amusement as they followed the two colts to get their supplies for the trek northward to the capital city where their friends awaited.

Author's Note

Author(s): Purple Heart and Wits End

Chapter 31: Capital Offense

Wits End leaned over the edge of the stone wall that surrounded the capital city of Gallopilli. It had been five days since the party had arrived. Well, he thought, most of the party. He sighed, pulling himself back from the edge. “He’s really gonna make us wait the full five days, isn’t he?”

“I say we look the wrong way just to spite him,” Light Patch said, staying a respectful distance from the edge.

“Wouldn’t that be fun.” Wits glanced at the horizon; the first glimmers of light starting to peek out over the trees. He suppressed a yawn as he slumped against a crenellation. “I got up early and everything just so he could have his dramatic moment. If he’s not here in 15 minutes, I’m going back to sleep.”

“How about we go now? He ruined my dramatic exit earlier; why shouldn’t we ruin his dramatic entrance?” Light Patch asked, looking not much more awake than his pinto friend.

“Because it’s not nice?” Pinkie asked, trotting in place and generally being way too happy for way too early in the morning; at least according to everypony but Applejack.

Twilight was about to make a snappy retort when something caught her attention. She trotted over to the edge of the wall, peeking into the near darkness to the east. Wits End glanced up from almost falling asleep. “Twilight! What do you see with your alicorn eyes?”

“I think…” Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she focused. “Well, unless somepony’s expecting another purple-striped earth pony, I think they’re here.” She raised an eyebrow. “But what’s with the carriage he’s pulling?”

“I don’t know,” Light Patch said, looking out as well before a thought struck him. Suddenly, his face split with a grin of pure evil. “I’ve got an idea, but I need all of you to get out of sight for a moment.” He turned to learn over the edge and look at the two guards at the gate below. “Hey, I’ve got a joke I want to play on my friends coming up. Could ya shut the gates for a moment?”

The guards glanced at each other before shrugging, usually they got requests to open the gates, so closing them for once seemed like a nice change of pace. The iron bars of the gate slid shut with a clang as the mares and Wits End ducked down, interest and confusion at varying levels on their faces.

Light Patch ducked as well and waited until his friend and the carriage pulled up close to the gate.

Purple Heart rolled his neck as he pulled the carriage closer to the capital's gate. While waiting in the forest for five days to make his grand entrance had been of great source of amusement for himself, he wanted to get this ludicrous game over with. Amber Glitter, Opal, Fluttershy, and Rarity all sat in the carriage Boomer had given them, relaxing as the purple earth pony pulled it. A sudden shiver raced down Purple Heart’s spine. A small part of his brain niggled at him, trying to warn him of some impending doom. As it was early in the morning, and his faculties were not yet fully operational, Purple Heart ignored his instincts and continued towards the barred gates.

The purple barbarian pony looked up blearily at the large oak entrance and yawned. With a grunt, he brought the carriage to a rolling stop and put his weight against the wooden vehicle.

“Yoho!” Purple Heart called to the guards. “Open the gates please!” He then turned and tapped once on the carriage behind him.

“We’re here, ladies,” he mumbled. “Time to get ou-” He never got a chance to complete his sentence as a familiar grey pegasus appeared from behind the wall’s ramparts.

“No,” Light Patch responded in the most outrageous accent he could muster at such an early hour. “We don’t need your purple ponies. We’ve already got one, see?” he said, pulling Twilight up before quickly shoving her back down. “Now, begone you legg'd eggplant.” Purple Heart looked up at the grey pegasus in silence, contemplating what had just happened. Eventually, he spoke.

“You know,” he called sarcastically, “if I were more awake, I’d have some kind of snippy retort for you. But seeing as I got up just ten minutes ago, I can’t. Well played sah.” He inclined his head in respect to his winged friend.

“Thank you,” Light Patch said, still keeping the accent going. “I guess I shan’t have to taunt you a second time.” He looked down at the guards, giving them a quick wave to show that the joke was over. The guards shrugged and began to open the gates.

Purple Heart began trotting wearily towards the gate, muttering darkly under his breath. Amber Glitter opened the sliding window at the carriage’s front and peaked out.

“Something happen?” she asked curiously.

“Nothing of import,” Purple Heart replied, rubbing at his face. “Just a little barb.” The golden unicorn nodded once and was about to close the sliding window when Purple Heart spoke again, albeit softly.

“If they even think,” he growled, “of dropping a cow on me, I shall throw them off a bridge.” Amber blanched at the ferocity with which Purple Heart spoke.

“Excuse me?” she asked. “What was that you said?”
“Nothing of import,” Purple Heart repeated. “Just a promise.” Amber arched an eyebrow at the purple earth pony and watched him for a moment as they passed through the arch of the gate to the capital.

A long cobbled street stretched before them, filled with an assortment of ponies going about their daily business. There were trade stalls, taverns, and swinging signs of stores tucked into the block of buildings that spread out before them. Rising up in the distance was an impressive castle built from quartz-like stone that seemed to sparkle in the morning sunlight. Colorful banners and pennants snapped in the early morning breeze, heralding the presence of numerous high-ranking ponies. The carriage trundled to a stop by a corral of other such vehicles near the wall.

“You picked up a vehicle,” Wits End said, making his way down from the wall. He stopped, spotting the gold-colored unicorn through the window. “You picked up a passenger,” he continued, eyebrows raised in surprise as he to a few steps back on the ground. “Something tells me there’s a story behind this.” Purple Heart nodded as he unhitched himself from the carriage and rolled his shoulders.

“Eeyup,” he confirmed, walking around to open the carriage door. Fluttershy and Rarity stepped out and rushed over to their friends, ecstatic to see them after such a time. Opal and Amber came next, both of them descending the carriage steps gracefully.

“Greetings,” Amber said, inclining her head to Wits End. “I am Princess Amber Glitter. And this is Opal, my maid.”
Light Patch glanced at the two before bowing to Opal, “Your majesty, it’s a good trick but-”
“Oh no, no, no!” Opal squeaked, waving her hooves in denial. “I’m really not the princess! I mean, those bandits thought I was, but Lady Glitter is the true princess!” The small filly gave a weak smile at the grey pegasus.

“It was not a trick you were using.” Light Patch grinned sheepishly, “I guess I was wrong. Sorry about that.” He gave a quick nod to Amber. “Anyway, my name is Light Patch and I’m a cleric.”

Wits End nodded his head to both mares, making a mental note of the unicorn’s nobility. “Wits End. It’s a pleasure to meet the both of you.” He tilted his head toward Purple Heart. “How did you mean this lu- our friend here?” Purple Heart cracked his neck and sighed in satisfaction before facing his comrades.

“We met her a week ago on the path,” he began. “I had just finished successfully grappling a large Carp and-”

“I take it back,” Wits End interrupted. “I’ll wait to hear the whole story later.” He looked between Purple Heart, Amber Glitter, and Opal for a moment. “Had to one-up Patchy, huh? I’ve seen enough anime to know where this is going.” Purple Heart stared blankly as he tried to register what his friend was getting at. Then his eyes sparked with recognition.

“Seriously?” he groused. “Seriously!? I beat the most terrifying fish in the world of Dorfs, barehooved no less, and you question me about SHIPPING?!”

“Carp got nerfed,” Wits said with a smirk. “Shipping is still OP. Consider this laser-guided karma for the shenanigans back at Roads Crossed.” He glanced over at the Mane Six catching up. “Everypony got through safe, right?” Purple Heart’s eye twitched at the dismissive tone Wits End spoke with but he nodded slowly.

“After dealing with the requests of some interesting ponies, jes,” he confirmed. “Everypony got through safe. Regardless, what have you learned of the capital so far? Does it have a name? And what’s the country called for that matter?”

“Well, the city is apparently named Gallopilli,” the grey pegasus chimed in, “and after an extremely hard day of going up to somepony on the street and asking, we found out that the name of the kingdom is Roania. Of course then came the hard part: trying to figure out if that was a Lord of the Rings or a Narnia reference. Or possibly Romania.”

“I’m leaning toward the Rings, personally,” Wits End said. He lowered his pitch to a dramatic growl. “When I last looked, Bastion, not Purple, was king of Roan… ia.” He coughed, slipping back into his normal voice. “Like that and such.” Purple Heart snorted.

“Riiiiight,” he mused. “Aside from that, I think I might know who was behind the Bandits at Roads Crossed. We met a pony who originally came from this very city when we went to rescue Opal. He knew things. Do you have a place we can go to talk to everypony in private?”

Wits looked over at the maid pony. “They ponynapped the maid and then let her go- Ohhhhhh.” Recognition dawned on the mint-colored pony’s face. “That’s where the Timberwolves come in.” He smiled for a second before returning to the conversation at hoof. “Yeah, we’ve got some rooms at a local inn.” He nodded to Amber Glitter. “Although, I’m sure you’ve got a private suite in the castle, of course.”

The golden unicorn nodded. “I do,” she confirmed.

“Welp,” Purple Heart said, walking down the street, “let’s go to the inn. You’ll definitely want to hear what I have to say.” He began trotting down the road when a soft cough brought him to a halt. He looked over his shoulder.

“What about me?” Amber asked sweetly, smiling poisonously at the purple earth pony. Purple Heart blinked.

“What about you?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah, Purply,” Wits End said coyly. “Don’t you intend to throw down the gauntlet to protect the mares in your life?” Purple Heart stared blankly once more. He could feel everypony’s eyes on him as he stood there, stumbling around his mind as he deciphered Wits’ poniard. Even the Mane Six had fallen silent and were watching the purple earth pony with interest. Once more, recognition sparked in his eyes.

“What do you mean ‘throw down the gauntlet’?” he asked irritably. “I’m-...oh...” He looked at Amber who still had her sickly sweet smile. Then he returned his gaze to Wits End and Light Patch, whining as he spoke. “Do I have to?”

“Well, no, not really.” Light Patch yelped as he received a swift kick and glare from Rarity. “What?” he asked, looking at her prompting the fashionista to roll her eyes.

Wits shrugged, dropping his smug look. “Depends on the message you wanna send to the King. You can go straight there and introduce yourself, or you could wait for a while.” He glanced at the two colts. “I don’t have any problem with it.” Purple Heart frowned, trying to think of the best option. His brow furrowed, his eyes squinted, his teeth ground. After a time, he realized his issue. Sighing resignedly, he trotted over to Wits End and lowered his head to the small unicorn.

“Hit me,” he ordered.

Wits End blinked. “What.”

“Wait, really?” Light Patch asked.

“Yes!” the purple earth pony snapped. “Then I’ll be able to think straight! I’m not awake enough to say anything coherent! I have important things to say, but my mind is still a fogbank of sleep! So seriously, hit m-!”

Without another word, Wits End’s forehoof shot out, landing a blow square in the middle Purple Heart’s forehead. Light Patch quickly followed up with a hit to almost the same spot. With a resounding crash, Purple Heart dropped heavily to the cobblestone ground, sending unnatural tremors through the street. Several passersby slowed and stared at the large earth pony on the ground. Being on the outside of the conversation, the Mane Six reacted in stunned surprise.

“What. Did. You. Do?” Twilight said, her voice constricted by shock and outrage.

Wits End stood frozen in surprise, staring at his hoof. “I didn’t mean to jog him so hard,” he muttered.

“I’m a healer. I can fix this,” Light Patch said, quickly shuffling away from Pinkie and Rainbow. Moving quickly, he pressed his hoof to the purple stallion’s side, and a bright flash signaled the use of a healing spell. Purple Heart’s body pulsed once and he groaned.

“You bleeding git,” Purple Heart growled, getting to his hooves. “I didn’t need the heals! On the other hoof, I can see! I can see clearly now the rain has gone...” Fluttershy floated over, concern apparent on her face.

“A-are you alright, Purple?” she stammered. The purple barbarian nodded and cracked his neck. He continued with rolling his shoulders and cracking his back. Sighing in satisfaction once more, he allowed a small smile to curve his lips. Amber Glitter sucked a surprised breath in when she noticed the intelligence and awareness sparking in Purple Heart’s eyes. He stood with a sure set of his shoulders and cut an imposing figure. Lost in her fantasies, she almost didn’t hear him speak.

“As things are now,” Purple Heart said confidently, “I think it would be best if one of us escorts the Princess and Opal to the castle.” Twilight walked further into the conversation and cocked her head in confusion.

“Why?” she asked. “And why one pony for that matter?” Amber, Fluttershy, and Rarity blinked in surprise when Purple Heart didn’t snap in anger or retort sarcastically. Instead, he continued to speak with a calm tone of voice.

“Two reasons,” he said. “Hitotsu: we don’t want to show our hoof to the mastermind behind the bandit raid on Roads Crossed. Walking our entire group into the castle where the mastermind is certain to be would be unwise.

“Futatsu,” Purple Heart continued. “I have reason to believe that Princes Amber’s uncle is said mastermind. Although it would be safer to keep the Princess with us, the mastermind would notice.”

“Who’s Amber’s uncle?” Pinkie asked. The smile on Purple Heart’s face slid away, leaving a blank mask.

“King Bastion, ruler of Roania.”

Twilight’s ears perked up. “Wait, Bastion? As in, king of the place we’re in right now? King of the whole country we’re in, King Bastion?”

“Eeyup,” Purple Heart confirmed. “The one and only, except for other ponies named Bastion.”

“Oh joy,” Light Patch deadpanned. “At best, we’re dealing with only his closest and most loyal; at worst, the entire kingdom.”

“This is the best of all possible things.” Wits rolled his eyes. “Not only are we right smack in the middle of his home, but we just so happen to be the ponies who single-hoofedly thwarted his bandits, wasting however millions of bits he sunk into their equipment and loyalty.” He turned away, shaking a hoof at the sky dramatically. “Curse you, dramatic irony!” Purple Heart chuckled, much to the surprise of Amber and Opal.

“So,” he said, “which of us three should escort the Princess and Opal to the castle?” Amber frowned.

“I have a name, you know,” she snapped. Purple Heart nodded.

“And I’m only a mere adventurer,” he replied smoothly. “We aren’t on the same level, socially speaking. I don’t get to use your name. Besides, I’m too socially awkward to escort you to the castle without offending some caretaker of the King’s dogs. If I were to even grace a ball, I’d say something and piss the entire ruling class off. Probably for using the wrong fork. But I digress. I can’t escort you.” Amber blinked at the explanation in surprise. Purple Heart was right. As a commoner, he didn’t have the right to say her name and was required to use her title when addressing her.

Further, she had no idea what gave him cause to make such a retort. It was quite possible that he didn’t know the customs of addressing royalty in Roania, but he could have been operating under a cautious theory. Regardless, it hurt to agree that Purple Heart was right. The void caused by the explanation swelled as the Princess thought of the best way to counter the argument and it was suffice to say that she was mildly embarrassed at what she was about to do.

“But,” Amber mumbled, shuffling her hooves as she blushed furiously. “I don’t mind if you call me by my name.” Several seconds of silence passed. Light Patch and Wits End grinned evilly as they leered at their friend. Then Purple Heart went bright red.

“Ooooooooh~” Wits End leaned next to Purple Heart, his grin reaching from ear to ear. “This is the part where you tell her that you’ll give her half of your life, so she has to give you half of hers.”

“Oi!”

“Or you could always go with the classics and say, ‘as you wish’,” Light Patch said giving a bow.

Pinkie Pie was bouncing around excitedly, tossing confetti into the air over the two blushing ponies. “Is this the part where we start singing that ‘Kiss de Girl’ song you guys were singing back in town?” Purple Heart was seething.

“Inconceivable!” he growled. “I cannot believe how I just walked into the that! And no-” He sent Pinkie a furious glare, “-methinks not! Now, who is going to escort the Princess to the castle?”

“Um…” Fluttershy raised a hoof. “I’ll do it.” She flinched at the surprised looks from the rest of the party. “I-I thought I should be more assertive…”

Wits End glanced around before raising his own hoof. “I’ll go too. I think if I go back with Purple Heart right now, I’ll get my face caved in.”

“That would be putting it mildly,” the purple barbarian growled.

“I’d ask the way to the castle, but…” Wits End jerked his head toward the massive stone structure that dominated the center of the city. “I dunno, I might get lost.”

“Hopefully,” Purple Heart snarled. “But you aren’t Marimo. Lucky you.”

“Well,” Wits End stomped a hoof decisively, “let’s get going. That castle’s not gonna just dance over here.” He pointed toward the castle. “Onward! To castletown!”

Fluttershy weakly imitated the mint-colored pony. “O-onward?” With that, the two ponies set off toward the castle.

“Oh yeah,” Purple Heart grunted, realization dawning. “Where’s the inn at? I’m starving.”

* * *

“Can you find your way to whoever you need to talk to?” Wits End asked, his voice echoing faintly off the ancient stones around them.

Amber tilted her head quizzically. “You’re not coming with us all the way?”

Wits End and Fluttershy glanced at each other. “We weren’t exactly requested by the king,” Wits explained. “Besides, it’s safer if he doesn’t see any of us for a while. Our descriptions might have reached him, and… well…” He scratched the back of his head. “The whole ‘crushed his sponsored bandits’ thing.”

Opal nodded. “You’d probably be arrested on sight.”

“Thank you, Opal,” Amber said dryly before turned back to the two adventurers. “Well, thank you for all of your help. Let me know if any of you need my help.”

“Will do.” Wits End smiled, watching the two mares make their way down the hall. Once they were out of sight, he whirled about. “Right, time to sneak around.”

Fluttershy jumped. “Wh-what? But you just said-”

“That was to give them plausible deniability. And to keep them from trying to stop us.” Wits grinned. “This is our only chance to get a lay of the land, so to speak. We’ll just take a quick look around, then head back. Easy as breakfast.”

Fluttershy glanced around nervously. “B-but…”

“Come onnnnn. Didn’t you say you were gonna be more assertive?”

“Well, yes…”

Wits End flashed a hoof-motion that would have been a thumbs-up if he had fingers. “Then let’s assertively sneak around!”

After a moment of thought, Fluttershy nodded. “Alright!”

“Great! I’ll go this way, you check out that way.”

“Right!” Fluttershy paused for a few seconds. “Wait, wha-” She looked around; Wits had already left. “Uh oh.”

* * *

Wits End wandered the halls, humming a stealthy tune to himself as he did so. The castle was a lot bigger than he had expected, with branching paths and expansive rooms everywhere. “I might actually get lost…” he muttered, examining a finely-crafted marble statue, menacing with spikes of maple wood.

“Mister End, I assume?”

Wits End suppressed a jump, looking over his shoulder at the snow-colored stallion. “Do you know me?” he asked shortly, mind racing as he tried to build an excuse for being there.

“Not personally, of course. I make it my business to know the names of interesting ponies that are passing through Gallopilli.” The stallion bowed his head slightly. “I am Chancellor Holdfast. Unless I’m very much mistaken, you are a Mimic, yes?”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. He knows my name, he thought. And my class. That’s not good. He forced his face back into a neutral expression. Holdfast…Sounds familiar. At any rate, it sounds like he doesn’t care why I’m in this place. “What makes you think that?”

Holdfast motioned toward the unicorn’s cap. “Why, that feather of yours. The bird that belonged to is known for imitating both its prey and potential predators.” He smiled softly. “The Mimics took it as a sign to their peers of their true identities. Well, them, and those of us in the know.”

“Is that so,” Wits End muttered. “I take it you’re in the know?”

The silver stallion nodded. “I took an educated guess.”

“Hmm.” Wits End took another look at the stallion’s fanciful suit and robes. “You said you’re Chancellor here? I assume you meant for King Bastion. You’re a member of his court?”

“Indeed.” Holdfast placed a hoof on his chest, just below an ornate medal. “I advise the king on all matters involving our neighboring countries.”

The diplomacy guy, Wits End thought. “You’ll excuse me if I cut through the pleasantries and get to the point. What do you want from me?”

Holdfast’s eyes widened slightly, but his smile widened. “Directness. I appreciate that in my dealings. Very well. There is a matter I would like to discuss with you. Someplace…” He glanced around the hallway. “Well, someplace less public. I shall be holding a ball tonight in the western ballroom, to welcome Princess Amber Glitter. I’d like to speak to you then.”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. Either news travels fast, he thought, or this guy is very well connected. “And if I don’t show up?”

“I shall be very disappointed.” Holdfast turned away, taking a few steps before looking over his shoulder. “We don’t see many pinto’s of your particular coloration around here. I can always find you later if I need to.” After a moment of thought, he shrugged nonchalantly. “Bring your friends if you want. I’ll let the guards know to let you in.” With that, he started walking, his hoof-falls echoing further and further away.

Once he was sure the snow-colored stallion was gone, Wits End’s legs went weak, and he leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. “Wow,” he gasped.

“Are you alright, mister End?” Fluttershy trotted through the doorway, coming to a stop a few feet away.

“Oh, hello!” Wits End pushed himself upright, forcing a smile. “I, uh, guess I should’ve known better than to split up like that.”

Fluttershy’s eyebrows knitted in concern. “I… I was listening to your conversation with that Chancellor.”

“You what?”

“I’m sorry. I-I was worried about splitting up again, so I wanted to follow you and make sure everything was okay! I… I hid behind the doorway when the Chancellor showed up.”

Wits End sighed. “Oh. Well then. Uh… Thank you for your concern?” He glanced in the direction Holdfast had gone. “He’s one heck of a piece of work, isn’t he?”

Fluttershy shuddered. “He’s… A few years ago, I was treating some animals near the Everfree Forest. There was a bobcat that appeared right at the tree line.” She shuddered. “The look in that pony’s eyes was the same as that bobcat’s. He was daring you to disobey him.”
Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line. “What happens if I take his dare?”

“I wouldn’t do that.” The way she said it made it obvious that nothing good would come from it.

“Great.” Wits End swallowed hard, his throat suddenly very dry. After a moment of thought, he sighed. “Well, then… How do you feel about going to a dance tonight?”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 32: The Inns or Outs

“Eugh,” Purple Heart grumbled as he swallowed his breakfast. “That apple was absolutely horrid.” Applejack sniffed at the basket of apples sitting in the center of the table and grimaced.

“Those apples ain’t good,” she declared. “Too ripe.” Purple Heart groaned as he munched mournfully on the remnants of his breakfast.

“The apples from my hometown are the best ever,” he sighed wistfully. “Red apples, green apples... Regardless of color, they’re the best.” The orange earth pony arched an eyebrow at the purple barbarian.

“I beg to differ,” Applejack huffed. “I may not know what you do with yer apples, but I for a fact know that mine are the best apples in Equestria.” Purple Heart shrugged and stretched.

“I dunno if we’ll ever find out who’s right,” he grunted. “We live pretty carping far away. Danke for the foods by the way. Even if this inn is… Eugh...”

Twilight glanced around at the simple, medieval-esque furnishings around them. “It’s not… that bad,” she said slowly.

“Twilight is right, it’s not that bad,” Light Patch said, glaring at the recently uncovered remnants of a mean paste stuck to his plate. “It’s so much worse. I mean, I’ve seen hives of scum and villainy better than this place.” The grey pegasus finished pushing his plate away with a look of sorrow to the food still on it.

Purple Heart rolled his eyes and shrugged. “At least there aren’t any convicts with death sentences in twelve countries loitering around.” He looked around the inn with a scrutinizing gaze, unaware of the pony behind him.

“PURPLE!” Pinkie screamed, jumping on the unsuspecting earth pony. “What’s with the metal glove in your pack?!” The earth pony in question gave a surprised yip and toppled to the wood covered floor, entangled with the pink party pony.

Before any of the other mane six could attempt to stop Pinkie, the murmur of the inn was split by a sudden war cry. “Spoon!” the grey pegasus stallion shouted before launching himself to the aid of his friend and prompting a small wrestling match to begin. Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash looked on bemusedly.

The inn doors swung open, revealing Wits End shaking off a drop of morning dew that had managed to land directly on his neck; Fluttershy hovering close behind. “I have come with news,” Wits was saying dramatically as he scanned the table of adventurers. “We’ve been invi- What in the name of Celestia’s heavenly hindquarters is going on here.”

“Mu-mumph mumph!” a muted voice said from the beneath Light Patch and Pinkie Pie. “Pinmph wumph tph berbernmph! GEROFF!!” A dark shape rose quickly from the floor. Light Patch gave a small yelp as he soared through the air, landing with a small thud; Pinkie’s landing went unheard though.

“That was fun,” Pinkie chirped, sitting back at her spot at the table. “Throw me again!” she demanded, looking at the barbarian.

Purple Heart sat back in his seat and scowled. “Nien. All rides now cost five bits. As for the gauntlet, I got it as a gift. Can’t wear it though. Not yet at least.” He swung his gaze to the surprised Wits End and pointed with a hoof. “And seriously? ‘Heavenly hindquarters?’ Yeesh. We were just horsing around a bi...” His voice petered out. His eyes swelled. And then he slammed his face onto the table.

Wits grinned as he took one of the empty seats. “Good,” he rasped, “goooooood. Let the puns flow through you.” He coughed, turning his attention to the other ponies around him. “What’ve I missed? Aside from the Pony Wrestling Federation starting up?”

“Tavern food reeks,” Purple Heart grumbled. “What about you? Did you have fun storming the castle?”

“Oh, loads.” Wits narrowed his eyebrows at the state of the plates around him. “The princess is another castle,” he dissolved into a muttered string of nonspecific almost-words before picking back up, “and we’ve been invited to a ball tonight!”

Purple Heart blinked as the Mane Six began barraging Wits End with questions. Amid the torrent of voices, he raised his head and frowned at the pinto. He banged a hoof on the table to get everypony’s attention and spoke. “What happened to staying low-key?”

“I was low-key! I was the lowest of keys! In fact, I was practically off the keyboard!”

“We snuck around the castle,” Fluttershy said innocently.

“Hasdidiphif!” Wits waved his hooves, his eyes widened. “Ixnay on the neaksay!”

Fluttershy tilted her head. “I thought I was being more assertive?”

Wits sighed, shoulders slumping. “We’ll have to work on timing later. Well, we ran into the chancellor, and he invited us to the ball he’s holding in honor of Amber Glitter’s arrival.” He straightened back up. “Sounds like a good chance to get some sneaky castle intrigue to me.”

“Do it,” Purple Heart hissed, snickering to himself. Then he shuddered, grimacing. “I hate intrigue. Love to read it, hate to partake of it. What possessed you to accept this invitation? Particularly when we should keep our presence a secret here?”

“Ah have to agree with Purple,” Applejack admitted. “Ah don’t think flauntin’ ourselves at a party would be the smartest of things.”

“As much as I do love the chance to, as they say, ‘strut my stuff’,” Rarity said, flipping her mane back into place, “we should practice some restraint.”

“I think it would be a great chance to get some first hand knowledge on the Royal Family,” Twilight spoke up. “We should go.”

“PARTY!” Pinkie Pie squealed, prancing around the table in joy.

“It couldn’t hurt,” Rainbow Dash mused. “We could always fight our way out if we have to.”

“Uh...no,” Purple Heart countered. The Mane Six turned to the purple earth pony and gaped at him in stunned surprise as he continued. “Sure, we could be able to fight our way out, but I’m against that. If we had a month to prepare along with a wheelbarrow and a holocaust cloak, then yes, I’d be fine with duking it out in the castle. But not now. We know too little and we would be outnumbered before you could say ‘mahwaige’.” There were a collection of confused looks around the table, but they all understood Purple Heart’s meaning: Too weak. Going in blind. We shouldn’t risk it.

Light Patch looked up from his thoughts. “It might not be a brilliant idea, but as long as we’re careful, it could be useful.” He paused. “I gotta ask; what made you accept the invitations for us, Witty?” the stallion finished, looking towards his friend.

Wits was silent for a moment. “Well,” he started slowly, “I did think we should keep a low profile, like you guys said.” He looked toward the purple and orange earth ponies. “And I also thought we should introduce ourselves to the local nobility.”

Purple Heart frowned as he considered his friend. “You aren’t telling us something. I can see it in your eyes. That, and you’re twitching. Spill.”

Wits’ gaze managed to find something extremely fascinating with one of the wooden beams crossing the ceiling. After a nudge from Fluttershy, he sighed. “Well, ya know, I weighed the pros on one side and the cons on the other, but in the end the biggest factor in accepting the invitation was that the chancellor would prooooobably have me assassinated in my sleep if I said no.” He thought for a second. “And maybe everypony else at this table. It’s the little things, ya know?”

The table of ponies stared at Wits End in dumbstruck silence. It stretched on for some time; so long in fact that the bartender looked up from polishing glasses. Then Purple Heart spoke.

“Whadacarp?” he grunted, his voice low. Then it reached a new level, specifically crafted for that moment of undeniable disbelief. “WHAT DID YOU DO?! Why does the chancellor want you there?! Why does he want us there?! How does he know about us?!” The entire inn looked up in surprise at the outburst, all eyes focused on the heavily breathing purple earth pony.

“Keep your voice down there, Hoofstrong,” Wits End hissed. “We don’t need ponies back in Equestria to know what’s going on too.”

“One,” Purple Heart returned, his voice softened as he brought his face close to the table across from Wits End, “What did you do?! Two, I don’t have a shirt to rip off and I don’t sparkle! Three, it would be a nice help if they came! This is getting ridiculous!”

“I have literally done nothing! It’s obviously the start of the next quest. The party split up, we got back together, now Discord is giving us a clear sign of what our next move should be.” Wits shrugged nonchalantly, mind racing to put together a reasonable explanation before the vein throbbing in Purple Heart’s forehead exploded. “Besides, he didn’t exactly ‘invite’,” he made air-quotes with his forehooves, “you guys at all. He told me I could bring friends, is all. If you guys don’t show up, he won’t go after you.” He glanced off to the side, coughing in a way that could be misconstrued as the world ‘probably’. Purple Heart sighed and rubbed his face with a hoof.

“I’ll go with you,” he grumbled. “If not to learn more of this place, then to keep an eye on you. If you don’t want to come, that’s fine.” He addressed this to the Mane Six.

“And my axe, er hammer,” Light Patch chimed in before muttering. “I really should finish reading that.”

Purple Heart snorted. “Yes, you should.”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “I already asked Fluttershy to be my ‘date’,” he made quotation marks in the air with his hooves again; the pink-maned pegasus blushing in the background. “My dance card is full. You’ll have to wait your turn.”

A smirk twisted Purple Heart’s lips as he arched an eyebrow at the pinto. “I won’t dance. Don’t even think about it, senpai. And are you sure you should’ve said that with Twilight here?”

The humor drained from Wits’ face as he turned to Twilight. “You wanna simultaneously punch him in the face real quick?” Purple Heart zipped his trap and stepped back.

“Dance card’s full, huh?” Applejack muttered. She somehow managed to both blush and blanch when Wits End turned to her, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. “No.”

“Eh, probably for the best. I can’t dance anyway. The only thing about me is the way that I walk.” the cleric said, dancing to a song only he could hear.

“So,” Purple Heart said, “who’s all going to this brewing catastrophe?” The Mane Six all shared silent looks for several minutes as if conversing amongst themselves. The three colts looked on blankly, certain that they were missing out on a great deal. Eventually, the six mares turned back to the colts and Twilight spoke.

“I think we all should go,” she decided. “Strength in numbers. We can also gain more information with more ponies listening in.” Purple Heart sighed.

“Guess we’ll be leveling up our Gather Information skill a carpload,” he growled. “Fine. When’s this thing gonna start?” He directed the question to Wits End.

Wits shook his head, recovering from the magic of purely visual-based communication that had just occurred. “He just said tonight. I assume he’ll send somepony when it’s time.”

Purple Heart nodded and rose. “We’d better start getting ready now.” Twilight frowned and looked at the purple earth pony questioningly.

“Why now?” she asked curiously. Purple Heart stared blankly at the alicorn for several seconds.

“Last I checked,” he said. “You six are female. I know how long it takes females to get ready for anything. It’s no great secret. Not like the other thing was.”

Twilight blinked. “Wow.”

Wits End placed a forehoof over his face. “Very wow.”

Light Patch put a hoof over his mouth and acted like he was talking to a radio, “Rampart, this is squad 51. We have burn patients and one seriously battered stallion. Please advise.” The stallion quickly shut up at the murderous glare he received from Rarity.

Rarity stood with a dramatic scoff. “Well girls, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I intend to take my time preparing.” She turned her glare to Purple Heart. “I’m sure you’ll be perfectly fine handling the delicate and nuanced world of court politics on your own,” she finished icily, turning away from the table and taking the stairs to their rooms.

“You operate under the assumption that I intend to speak,” Purple Heart grumbled under his breath, only loud enough for Twilight and Wits End to here. He turned and trotted towards the door. “I’m gonna go see if I can purchase something mildly presentable.. Hopefully, they have something in my size. I’ll be back here in a while.” Without another word, he departed, letting the doors to the inn swing idly behind him.

“I should probably try to get something presentable too,” Light Patch noted, glancing at his hodgepodge armor. With a quick wave, he galloped after his friend.

The remaining five mares turned to look at Wits End. The mint-colored unicorn shrank in his seat, pulling his head into his collar. “Don’t look at me,” he muttered weakly. “I’m a fe-mare-nist.” He fiddled with his robe idly, sinking further into the seat. “Who were those guys, anyway?”

* * *

A pony in elegantly-sculpted armor arrived at the inn just as the sun started to touch the horizon, escorting the nine adventurer ponies to the castle. A nod to the other similarly-clothed guards at the castle gate was all it took to get them inside, and they soon found themselves just outside the ballroom, where ponies in fancy garb danced and talked.

Wits End whistled, his cloak and everyday clothes—now cleaned and pressed—almost an equal match for those worn by the stallions inside. “Mighty fine shindig,” he said, adjusting the broach at his neck with his magic.

“Yeah, just oozing class,” Light Patch said, trying to ignore the ponies staring his armor, which was now as pink as the stripe in his mane and tail. “I’m gonna go find find the snack table, and hide under it,” he finished, muttering about bargain bin mages.

“I might join you,” Purple Heart muttered, shifting in his in his superfluous ceremonial garb the color of the evening sky. “This thing has way too many tassels and ropes. Not to mention the ridiculous shoulder boards. I feel like a commissar.”

“Yeah, but at least you look good.” Light Patch noted, swatting one of the tassels, “I look like a tornado sneezed me through a used armor shop, and a salt water taffy stand.” Before the stallion could react, Pinkie Pie licked his armor with a slurping noise that stopped most near by talk. The pink party mare greeted the stallion’s glare with her number eighty three grin.

“Just checking,” she hummed before bouncing back to Rainbow Dash’s side.

Twilight sighed, waving awkwardly at the staring ball-goers. She and the other mares had managed to find dresses similar to their Grand Galloping Gala wear with only mild difficulty. “Well, so much for trying to not make the wrong first impression.” She turned to the eight other ponies. “Remember, we’re here to gather information, so don’t make any enemies here.”

“And don’t die,” Wits End added. “Helpful advice for life.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna go find a place to clean my armor off,” the pegasus stallion said with a quick glare to Pinkie Pie before he split off.

“Lets split up, gang!” Wits End said with a smile, which quickly fell as he realised what he’d just said. “Why do I keep suggesting that?”

“I dunno,” Purple Heart chuckled over his shoulder as he disappeared into the crowd, “I may sometimes claim to know the inner workings of your mind, but I am just as ignorant of your reasonings as the next pony.”

* * *

After some time spent information gathering, and sampling one of each of the supplied snacks, Wits End turned to find a familiar snow-white earth pony behind him. “I see stealth is part of being the chancellor,” he said with a small bow of his head.

Chancellor Holdfast returned the bow. “Being fleet of hoof is just as important as being fleet of mind.” he motioned toward a balcony overlooking the ballroom. “A place where we can speak in private.”

Wits End put on a polite smile. “Lead the way then.”

The two ponies weaved their way through the ballroom to a inconspicuous door, which lead up a flight of stairs to the balcony. Wits End sat on the offered cushion across from Holdfast, keeping his eyes on the snow-colored stallion. “Nice party,” He said, motioning down at the ball below them.

“I like to hold these regularly,” Holdfast said. “It’s a good way to get gossip and news from both the diplomats stationed here, and more importantly, their retinue.” He motioned to a servant to fill his glass with red wine. “Something I learned during my own time as a diplomat. Care for a drink, mister End?”

“I’m not thirsty.”
Holdfast paused. “Have I offended you in some way?”

“Absolutely not.” Wits End waved a hoof dismissively. “But I’m in a secluded area of a ballroom with the grand vizier. You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t take any chances.”

Holdfast smirked. “And what if I take a drink first?”

Wits End shrugged. “With your time as a diplomat, I’m sure you’ve developed some key immunities. Nightlock, Red Water, Iocaine powder...”

Holdfast chuckled, glancing over the railing at the ball-goers below. “I see you brought your friends with you.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter,” Wits said with a shrug. “Consider it my way of putting all of my cards on the table.” He grinned. “That ‘directness’ that you’re such a fan of.”

“Very true.” Holdfast waved the servant away. “Then I shall get straight to the point. I have a need for your skills.”

“I assume you mean as a Mimic?”

“Amongst other things. I have… certain interests.”

Wits End’s eyebrows narrowed. “If you don’t mind, please speak plainly. I don’t speak subtle.”

Holdfast chuckled. “There’s that directness again. Very well then.” He leaned in. “Over the last few years, I have gathered the support of King Bastion’s inner circle to establish a new ruler.”

“Would this have to do with Amber Glitter’s appearance?”

Holdfast shook his head. “Not exactly.”

“Really? Then who?”

“You’re speaking to him.”

Wits’ eyebrows shot up. He lowered his voice. “Are you talking about a coup?”

Holdfast looked shocked. “Absolutely not, mister End! Simply a change in rulership when the good king… ceases to be able to perform his duties. Killing King Bastion would cause the people to rebel against my new rule.”

“Of course…”

“However, the appearance of Princess Glitter has raised some concerns within the court. The people may very well rally behind her rule rather than… well, an alternative.”

“Such as you?”

Holdfast smiled. “You understand the situation so well.”

“And what do you want from me?” Wits End asked, sitting back on his cushion. “To convince the court that you’re a better choice?”

“In a way.”

“And what do I get out of this?”

Holdfast shrugged dismissively. “I can offer you a place on my own court, of course. But, an adventurer such as yourself would have no use for that.” He motioned to the servant, who produced a wrapped scroll and placed it on the table between them.

Wits End raised an eyebrow. “My reward is paper? Not pants?”

“A scroll. Penned by an ancient master Mimic. It teaches a great many things about the Mimic’s ability to imitate other ponies; even taking on their appearance. Consider it an offering to one who would use it better than I.”

A twinkle shined in Wits End’s eye. An Alter Self ability? he thought. This just got interesting. “Is that so… And what would I have to do for such a princely treasure? Do you think I’m the type of pony to do something without question?”

Holdfast chuckled. “The idea that ponies can be grouped into ‘types’ is a ridiculous notion. No, I’ve had five days to observe you, mister End. I don’t know your type; I know you.”

A shiver went down Wits’ spine. “And what do you want?”

Holdfast leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I want you to utterly, completely destroy young lady Amber Glitter.”
Wits End froze. After a few seconds, he stood. “Good night, Chancellor,” he said roughly, turning away.

“You will not leave me without hearing me out.” Holdfast’s voice held an edge that send a second chill down the unicorn’s spine.
Wits looked over his shoulder at the snow-white stallion. “Whatever kind of pony you think I am, you’ve got me wrong.”

“I think I understand exactly the kind of pony you are.” Holdfast glared at the mint-colored pony. “You know I am in a position of power and that you are not. I know that there is some part of you that wants to know why I would ask a complete stranger something like this, threatening my position. And I know that you will put your silly pretence at pride aside and sit down to learn that reason.”

Wits End thought for a moment. “And why do you think that?

Holdfast sipped his wine. “You arrived with such lovely friends.” He motioned for the unicorn to sit down again. “I have many ponies in my employ who would do... anything, if I told them to.”

Wits End slammed his hooves on the table. “If you think that threatening to kill my friends will make me-”

“Mister End, you misunderstand me,” Holdfast said, shaking his head with a smile. “I would never kill any of your friends.” He leaned on the table, steepling his hooves in front of him. “Do you understand? Never.”

The unicorn was silent for a second before the color drained from his face. “You…” he muttered weakly.

“Ahh, the moment of dawning realization.” Holdfast’s smile widened into a grin. “I’ve found you can tell volumes about somepony by what threats they react to. You were angry when you thought I threatened your friends lives.” His eyes narrowed at the expression on the unicorn’s face. “Yes... You’re the kind of pony who’s slow to trust, but fiercely loyal to those you consider friends. You would die to protect your friends; but more importantly, you would kill to protect them. You were considering killing me to protect them, weren’t you?

“But pain?” Holdfast’s chuckled. “Scars run deep, mister End; mental scars even deeper. You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you cause pain to one of your friends. You’d kill me to save your friends; you’d kill anypony in that ballroom to protect them.”

He glanced over the balcony at the ballroom below. “Your yellow pegasus friend seems to be enjoying herself.” Holdfast waited until Wits End followed his gaze, where Fluttershy was chatting happily with a group of songbirds. “She seems like she’d be the first to break.”

Wits End felt his heart drop, his mind blank for the first time. The color drained from the world; the sounds of the ball below them dulling to silence. “Y-you wouldn’t,” he whimpered.

Holdfast’s grin widened, showing teeth stained red with wine. “And now, I own you,” he sighed. He leaned back, sipping his drink again. “I’ll give you a few weeks to fulfill your end of the bargain.”

“I… I…”

“Oh, one more thing.” Holdfast tapped the balcony railing. “It would ruin all of your hard work to protect your friends if you were tell them what happened in this meeting. Understood? Good night,” he emphasized his last word with a possessive tone, “boy.”

Vastly weakened compared to before, Wits End stood on shaky legs, taking the stairs down from the balcony. He crossed the ballroom, making a straight line toward Fluttershy. “Oh, hello mister End!” the pegasus said cheerfully. “This is a very nice pa-”

Wits End grabbed her forehoof, pulling her toward the exit. “We’re leaving. Right now.”

“Mister End?”

Sweat beaded down the unicorn’s forehead, his voice strained from the tightness in his chest. “We’re leaving. All of us. We’re running away from this castle and the ponies in it. We’re running fast, and we’re running far, far away.”

“Mister End!” Fluttershy dug her hooves in, pulling the two ponies to a stop. “What is going on? Are you okay?”
With his momentum gone, Wits End’s legs gave out and he slid to the ground. “No,” he muttered. “I am very much not okay.”

Fluttershy stared in shock at the utter defeat in the voice of the stallion she had seen take on a massive scorpion without flinching. “Can… can I help?”

Wits End looked up at at the pegasus filly, forcing his mind to work. After a moment, some of his composure returned. “Fluttershy,” he said, his voice still shaky, “I’m going to need all the help you can give.”

* * *

“And you know, like totally.”

“I think you should go out with him.”

“You know, I just don’t know.”

“I think you should.”

“Yeah, I think I should.”

...Seriously? Even in such a different world, these ponies use anachronisms like there’s no tomorrow.

Purple Heart walked slowly through the crowd of dignitaries and the upper class of Gallopilli in silence, irritated that the conversation he had just heard was of absolutely no help whatsoever. The purple earth pony held no interest for the aristocratic ponies and their schemes, even if he was capable of understanding them. Too many times had he witnessed the kind of things that could happen at such gatherings. And that wasn’t considering the fact that he stuck out like a sore horn. All these ponies were either born and bred into the aristocracy or had been tutored within inches of their plushy lives so that they may go through the motions to please others. A plethora of other descriptions for such ponies and what they would do to get even a sack of grain more than their neighbor sprung to mind:

I hate politics.

When it came to diplomacy, politicking was not Purple Heart’s forte, not by a severe margin. Oh, he could get by with a few words and be a mildly successful orator, but grand schemes? Convincing the masses along with keen-minded officials and members of royalty? Nope. Purple Heart operated on an, albeit more violent, but significantly less dangerous battlefield. And he was confident and comfortable there whereas in this ball room, he was paranoid and cautious. If he absolutely had to participate in politics, it was under somepony else’s trusted guidance, or not at all.

Twisting his muzzle into a grimace, Purple Heart made his way over to the buffet. Much of the gossip he had accidentally eavesdropped in on was complete and utter rubbish. As he considered the array of goodies before him, Purple Heart hoped that his compatriots had had better luck obtaining pertinent information.

On the plus side, his Gather Information skill was ridiculously high now.

A number of couples stood around the buffet table, filling up plates that sat on specifically designed racks on the backs of serving ponies. A lone mare garbed in an unnecessary amount of fabric looked up from the table and tittered when she noticed the smartly dressed purple earth pony.

“I say,” the ridiculously garbed mare huffed. “To who do you belong, hmm? Some lower lord? Are you a common servant?” Purple Heart flinched and tried to ignore the obvious error. He scrunched his eyes shut and began to recite a phrase to calm him down. It didn’t work.

This is gonna come back to bite me, I just know it.

“Whom,” Purple Heart corrected, placing a pastry into his mouth. The lady blinked in surprise, an act that shook the entirety of her headdress.

“Pardon?” she asked. “What did you say?”

“Whom,” Purple Heart repeated, not turning as he reached for another pastry. “The proper sentence should have been ‘to whom do you belong?’ Honestly, you’re a part of the aristocracy, you should know these things. Being able to speak correctly is required when sucking up to somepony.” He didn’t have to see the colored fan to know it was coming as it swung towards his face. With a dramatic swish, the fan breezed within inches of Purple Heart’s full cheeks.

“How dare you!” she screeched, silencing conversation in that part of the ballroom immediately. “You think yourself better than me?!”

Of course I do, the purple earth pony thought to himself. I’m not the one sagging under a veritable ton of fabric. I’m smart enough not to suffocate myself. He turned his head to the young mare, his eyes flat as he spoke aloud.

“I was merely making a suggestion,” he said aloud, so that the entire portion of the room could hear. “I meant no offense.”

“Yes you did, you cur!” the mare bawled. “I’m going to tell Father!” For a split second, fear reverberated through Purple Heart’s body before his mind cast it out. He watched as the mare fled, reminded of another blonde ponce who had an unhealthy love for their father. Purple Heart sighed. Thankfully, nopony confronted Purple Heart about the ordeal and merely ignored him, much to his silent gratitude. I’ve made a right mess of things. I tell my friends to be careful and then go make some poor mare cry. Well done, lad. Well done indeed.

He turned back to the buffet, snatched several more pastries and consumed them in record time, eliciting several cringes of disgust from some nearby party goers. He then absconded, seeking to find refuge from the wrath of the young mare’s father.

“Purple Heart!” a voice cried. The purple earth pony froze, swallowing quickly to relieve his cheeks of food. He knew that voice. He knew it too well unfortunately.

Why the bleeding carp is she he-

Cuz it’s HER ‘Welcome Party.’ Idiot. Purple Heart slowly turned and promptly gaped.

“Purple Heart!” Amber Glitter greeted, a bright smile etched into her face. The princess wore her mane up in a tight bun, leaving two thick strands of hair to frame her smiling face. Her tight dress was a deep red and complimented her gold coat in more ways than one. A ruby encrusted necklace ringed her throat and definitely succeeded in catching the eye. Purple Heart felt a flush rise to his cheeks as he gazed at the unicorn in awestruck silence. The mare frowned and cocked her head to one side.

“Purple Heart?” she asked. “Are you alright?” Jerking in surprise, Purple Heart blinked and looked around.

“Um, yeah,” he grunted, clearing his throat. “You look, uh… You look amazing.” Now it was Amber Glitter’s turn to flush. She pawed at the ground with a hoof and played with her mane.

“T-thank you,” she stammered. “You look very dashing in that suit.” Blushing even deeper, Purple Heart smiled weakly.

“Thank you,” he replied.

“What are you doing here?” Amber asked curiously. “I thought you wanted to keep a low profile for the time being.” With a shrug, Purple Heart gestured, offering to walk.

“Wits got a bit carried away with something and he got invites for us,” he answered, omitting the fact that the pinto had most likely snuck around the castle after escorting Amber and Opal. “Anyways, how are you?” Amber smiled brightly.

“I feel amazing!” she crowed cheerfully. “I forgot how much I enjoyed the parties and balls from my youth. I’ve been away for some time actually. Almost 12 years.” Purple Heart arched an eyebrow.

“How old were you when you left?”

“Six. My guardians sent me away for my safety.”

“Your guardians? Who are they? Can’t you remember anything about your parents?” Immediately, Purple Heart cursed his lack of tact. You just don’t ask lost princesses about their parents. It just isn’t done. Lucky for him, Amber didn’t notice his candor.

“I can’t remember. All that I can just seems vague and faded, as if the years dimmed their features.”

Purple Heart shifted uncomfortably. “Hmm. Shame. I-”

“There he is Father!” a voice interrupted. “He’s the one who insulted me!” All conversation ceased once more as all gathered watched the two couples in interest. With a sigh, Purple Heart turned to face the impudent mare and her father. His eyebrows rose as he looked at the stallion in question. The mare’s father was shorter than Purple Heart by far, but was also great deal wider. His copper coat was covered by priceless fabric and expensive finery that would surely make him topple if even a light breeze gusted by. His white mane was puffed and extravagantly waxed like his tail. A certain fat merchant came to Purple Heart’s mind as he gazed down at the blob of a stallion.

“I hear you verbally insulted my daughter,” the fat stallion mewed imperiously. “What have you to say for yourself?” Purple Heart choked as he tried to keep from laughing at the ridiculously unimpressive attempt at status change. What came out was a dry cough mixed with a snort. Amber frowned at the purple earth pony as she inclined her head respectfully to the stallion.

“Lord Heavy Wait,” Amber greeted. “A pleasure to meet you for the first time.” The lord blinked in surprise and seemingly noticed the princess for the first time.

“Your highness,” he bubbled. “It is an honor. I didn’t know you were back.” Amber Glitter twisted her muzzle into grimace as she watched the fat stallion posture. She turned and pulled the purple stallion beside her forward.

“Allow me to introduce you to Purple Heart, an adventurer,” Amber said. “He saved me and my friend while we were on our way back to the capital.” The royals assembled looked on the purple stallion with mixtures of interest and disgust. Purple Heart shifted uncomfortably under the variety of gazes. He didn’t exactly like being the center of attention. And the looks he was getting weren’t friendly. Not in the least. He cleared his throat, making those looks harden.

“Thanks for that,” he hissed aside, addressing the princess. “I feel really loved now.” Amber smiled, not catching the sarcasm.

“You’re welcome,” she said cheerfully. Purple Heart twisted his muzzle into a scowl.

“The adventurer,” Heavy Wait squeaked, “he insulted my daughter.” Amber and the other royals blinked in surprise.

“Did you?” she asked softly, looking to the purple earth pony. Purple Heart shifted under the princess’ gaze. The feeling he got from her was so much worse than that of the royals’. They knew nothing about him, aside from him being a dirty adventurer, but he was fine with that. They only cared about appearances. But Amber… She knew at least something about him. And her disappointed gaze was a great deal more painful. Yeesh, why do I have to like this mare? We aren’t even the same species.

“Weeeeell,” Purple Heart said, avoiding her question. Amber frowned.

“Purple Heart?” she ground out. The purple earth pony winced and hung his head in shame.

“I didn’t go out of my way to do it,” he defended, “but yeah, I guess I did.”

The princess’ eyes became sad and she looked away.

“You know what this means, right?” she murmured, not looking at the purple earth pony. Purple Heart shrugged.

“I die for the virtue of somepony I hardly know?” he suggested. Amber’s eyes flashed in annoyance.

“Of course no-” She paused. “Actually, yeah, you do.” Purple Heart snorted.

“Figures,” he sighed. “Is there any way I can get out of this? Fight to the death? Go on a quest? Pay absurd amounts of gold to make him forget about it?” Amber shook her head while some of the royals, including Heavy Wait and his daughter, scoffed derisively at the purple barbarian’s attempt at defusing the moment with humor.

“There’s nothing you can do,” the princess whispered, gesturing to something behind Purple Heart. “Guards, take him to the dungeon.” The purple earth pony blanched as he was pulled away by the guards, his eyes fixed on the satisfied expression Heavy Wait’s daughter wore. As he was pushed out of the ballroom, Purple Heart spotted Light Patch’s awestruck face in the crowd. Smiling weakly, Purple Heart waved an apology as he passed through the doorway leading to the dungeon. A thought crossed his mind followed swiftly by another.

Aw carp. Wits is gonna have a fit… I knew coming here was a bad idea. Being socially inept and all... His humor didn’t dim as the iron door of his cell clanged shut. But his enthusiasm did.

* * *

Barely minutes had passed before Light Patch found himself wall-flowering near the food tables. He’d circulated through the nobles for a bit, but he’d never been one for large gatherings; much preferring smaller ones with just good friends. And while he wasn’t going around the nobles, he was still doing his part. After all, even the bluest of blood nobles still gotta eat and drink. He was still managing to get his fair share of information.

And all of the goodies, from the spreads of the twelve or so tables set up. An impressive and highly varied array of pastries, small sandwiches, and other assorted dishes. He tended to avoid most the drinks, however, recognizing the smell of alcohol when he smelled it. He also got to have more than a few short conversations with the staff who, in a castle like this, would more often than not have more than one rumor about local going ons and happenings.

“Would you allow me access to the tables, your lordship?” an older stallion’s voice quipped. Light Patch whirled around to face a stern looking older stallion. “Unless you’re simply raiding them, in which case I’ll have to bring you to justice,” the blue grey stallion finished, a small grin maring his stern face.

“I suppose this bandit lord could show the starving masses a little mercy, and allow them access to his food,” Light Patch responded, stepping aside with a small but over exaggerated bow. The older stallion laughed as he grabbed a couple of pastries from the tables before sitting down next to Light Patch’s spot.

“The starving masses will appreciate the showing of mercy. It’s a shame none of them are here.” The stallion took a few bites of a pastry he’d grabbed from the tables. “Not one to find comfort in a party this big?” he asked, turning to look at the grey pegasus, “or is it the attendees that have you shying away?”

“I never was much of a party pony. If I was gonna have anything approaching a party, it’d be just a few friends of mine, and I just shootin the breeze; maybe playing some games. The stuff we’d do when we meet normally, just in the name of something bigger,” Light Patch responded, looking at a strange tasting pastry he’d tried. “Also, I figure if I mingle out there, it’d be only a short amount of time ‘til I’ve gotten myself thrown from a window for one thing or another.”

The older stallion’s laughter shook the punch in a near by bowl with its deep bass. “I would assume that as a pegasus, that shouldn’t concern you. Then again, you do have more gear than I’ve ever seen a pegasus normally carry.” The blue grey pegasus frowned as a thought struck him. “Yet, you don’t seem concerned about saying the wrong thing around me.”

“You’re not the same as them, though, that you started with a joke rather than ordering the obvious not noble me out of your way,” Light Patch said.

“You are correct in part. I am noble, but not nearly as highly ranked as most present. My lands consist of a small town and the hard mountainous terrain around it. It leaves me with plenty of time to minister to my town's legal needs,” the stallion said. “Not that there is a lot of that, even.”

“So why are you here at the party, rather than out there doing whatever you do?” the pegasus stallion asked.

“Even for our small town things have been slow, I came to try and garner some extra support for my town. I’ve also been spending my time assisting the local courts.” The earth pony stallion was interrupted by a larger noble cutting into the conversation.

“Talking to the commoners again, Just Duty? That's why so few nobles take you seriously. You don’t ever seem to take yourself all that seriously,” he said, ignoring the glare from the blue grey stallion as he trotted away with his food.

“Ignore him. He is simply sore that I ruled in favor of a commoner rather than him,” Just Duty responded before turning to look at the pegasus sitting next to him. “It would seem, however, you have a leg up on me however. You know my name, but I lack yours.”

“Light Patch: general healbot, and Holder of the Self Crit Stick,” the pegasus replied, giving his bow. He missed Duty’s raised eyebrow as the crit stick mention. “You’ve probably heard something about the group I’m with. Somepony’s probably been spreading what they’ve heard.”

“Yes, now that you mention it, I seem to recall rumors of a group that fell for the most obvious trap in the world. I also seem to recall something about a spider queen, or something along those lines.” The older pony’s face filled with a grin; a grin which bloomed into a full smile as he saw the annoyance in the youth next to him.

“You’re despicable,” Light Patch muttered, just catching a flash of mint green and butter yellow in his peripheral vision.

“And I’m also said to be overzealous in my duties, and harsh when it comes serving justice,” Duty finished. “Some ponies...” he hesitated, “no, this extends to all races. Some...”

“Beings? Sentients?”

“Beings will work,” Just Duty said, giving a small nod of appreciation. “Some beings will say anything to sway others. That is why you must be diligent in hunting for the truth.”

“Harsh justice huh?” Light Patch asked, snickering at the older stallions look of annoyance.

“I am known for being fair in my rulings, but harsh when it comes to wasted second chances. It is my duty to see justice done, and if I could stop criminals before they act,” the earth pony punctuated his remark with a stomp of his hoof, “I would, as most beings might.”

“What if you could go back to some point before a criminal committed their crime?” Light Patch said, looking at some kind of commotion brewing in the party. “Like say, back to before they even thought of the crime, would you punish them for the crime?”

Just Duty froze in thought, the gears turning in his head as he worked the question over in his mind. It was an interesting question; certainly impossible but philosophically and morally interesting. He finally opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by a near hysterical mare bounding up to Light Patch.

“Thank Celestia, I found some pony!” Twilight nearly raved as she grabbed the pegasus stallion. “I was too afraid to try anything when I saw it, and- and I couldn’t find anypony else! I don’t think anypony else saw it-” Her ranting was cut off when Light Patch hugged her.

“Calm down, Twilight. Deep breaths. You’re not able to help anypony by being this worked up,” the grey pegasus said.

“He is right, miss. I have had to fix many of my mistakes made when I too angry or worked up,” Just Duty added, causing Twilight to wheel around in surprise.

Light Patch motioned to the older earth pony. “Twilight Sparkle, meet Just Duty. Just Duty, meet Twilight Sparkle.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Twilight said, her voice still a little shaky but much calmer sounding now.
“And you as well, though it would have been nicer had it been under better circumstances,” the blue grey stallion said with nod. Twilight looked confused for a second before her reason to search for her friends came back to her. She quickly turned back to the pink and brown maned pegasus.

“It’s Purple Heart! He got himself arrested or something. I just caught sight of him being escorted out by a few guards!” she shouted. Light Patch squeezed his eyes shut. “What are we going to do? We can’t-” she was cut off as Light Patch grabbed her to stop her raving from starting again.

“We’re going to gather the others, find Amber, see what kind of trouble PH Balance is in—if any—and then figure out what we’ll do from there,” he said, giving a small smile when he saw Twilights resolve harden at having a plan. “Don’t worry about Fluttershy and Wits End; I think I saw them head out into the hallways. Fluttershy probably was getting stressed out, but didn’t want to be completely alone.” With a nod, she quickly trotted back into the party, heading towards where he could easily see Rainbow Dash hovering in the air over the party.

“I will go to the court and see if I can soften them up, if it’s needed at all,” Just Duty said, turning to Light Patch.

“Thank you. Hope we get to talk more later,” Light Patch said, giving a quick wave before heading towards where he thought he’d seen Team Herbal Butter. He didn’t notice Just Duty watching him disappear into the mass of ponies. With a shake of his head, the older stallion finished off his last pastry before getting up to head towards the royal courts. All along the walk, however, he couldn’t help but keep thinking about the final question Light Patch had asked. More specifically, is it really as impossible as I thought it was? the stallion thought, glancing at the horns of several guests he was passing.

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Light Patch, Wits End

Chapter 33: Wits has before mentioned Fit

Still in the hallway, Wits End was breathing deeply, holding his breath for a few seconds each time. “Just need to plan,” he was muttering between breaths. “A couple of minutes. Just need to get on top of this. Always another option.”

Fluttershy’s worry worsened. While the mint-colored unicorn wasn’t overtly panicking now, he seemed to be locked in his own little world; only following behind the pegasus mare as if on autopilot. “Mister End?” she asked gently. “Can you tell me what happened?” She got no response. just more muttering. “Mister End?”

“Hmm?” Wits End’s eyes flicked up for a moment before settling back on the ground in front of him.

“Can you at least tell me what happened?”

Wits made a noncommittal noise, eyes darting about the hallway. They focused on an older pony in simple clothes, a mop and bucket slung over his shoulders as he stepped out of a small, unassuming room. “Can’t talk out here,” he said quickly, moving past Fluttershy to catch the door before it closed. “In there. Come on.”

“Oh… O-okay.” Fluttershy hurried to look inside: a cramped broom closet with a single small, barred window for light. “Couldn’t we find somewhere more comfortable to- Eep!” She stumbled as Wits gave her a small nudge through the doorway, closing the door behind him.

“Sorry about that,” Wits End said, pushing a broom handle away from his face. “Couldn’t talk out there. The possibility of somepony listening in was too dangerous.”

“Can you tell me what happened now?”

“Let me explain. No, that’ll take too long. Let me sum up.” Wits took a deep breath. “Holdfast has himself set up to claim the throne when King Bastion steps down or dies. Amber Glitter showing up threw a monkey wrench in that plan, and he wants that wrench unthrown. He latched on to me because he had something he could offer me, but when I said ‘nope’ he switched over to threatening you guys. So now if I don’t get Amber out of the succession, he’s gonna go after one of you.”

Fluttershy’s jaw hung slack. “Oh my.”

“No kidding.”

“What do we do?”

Wits shook his head. “Well, there’s two obvious options. We can run away very fast, like I suggested before.” He paused with a frown. “Which, now that I think about it, almost no-pony in the party would go along with. Okay, one obvious option: I do what Holdfast said and...”

“You can’t do that!” Fluttershy covered her mouth, her exclamation echoing in the inclosed space. “You can’t!” she repeated in a hushed voice.

“Of course not,” Wits End said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I’m not ruining some-pony’s life just because some high and mighty ponce thinks he’s got me figured out.” He bit the back of his forehoof, chewing on his fetlocks as he thought. “There’s always more options. You and me just need to figure out one that works.”

Fluttershy blushed. “B-but wouldn’t it be better to ask Twilight to help?”

“Absolutely not!” Wits leaned in, glancing at the closed door. “Look, if Purple Heart or Rainbow Dash learns about this, they’ll go straight to beating up Holdfast and endanger the rest of the party. Twilight and AJ might play along, but they’d give it away by being too specific in their denial. As for Patchy and Pinkie…” He thought for a moment. “Well, I have no idea what they’d do, but given their track records they might just outright tell Holdfast what’s going on.”

“But-”

“Fluttershy.” Wits End looked right at the pegasus. “I don’t like it any more than you do, but right now the way to keep our friends safe is to do this ourselves. I’m already up to my ears in this, and you…” He sighed. “No offense, but I don’t think any-pony will be able to tell if you’re hiding something.”

“Oh. Um, none taken. But what about Rarity?”

Wits raise an eyebrow. “Would you tell the queen of over-dramatic acting what’s going on in this situation?”

Fluttershy thought for a moment. “Good point.”

“Then we’re on the same page. Now we just need a plan.” Wits sighed. “This might take a while.”

“Um… I might have an idea.”

Wits raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Really?”

Fluttershy averted her gaze. “Back in Ponyville, I had to help Rarity with this tomcat that kept attacking Opal.”

Wits blinked. “Amber’s maid?”

“Rarity’s cat, Opalescence.”

“Ah, okay. Continue.”

Fluttershy nodded. “It turned out that the tomcat thought Opal was standing in the way of his food. When we got rid of the food, he moved on.”

Wits End thought for a moment before his eyes lit up. “So you’re saying we get rid of the throne..”

A small smile crossed Fluttershy’s face. “And the chancellor won’t have any reason to blackmail you over it.”

Wits’ face broke into a grin. “You are one devious pony. I like it.”

Fluttershy blushed. “Um, thank you. But I don’t know how to make it work.”

“I’ve got that part. The first thing we need is-” The closet door swinging open interrupted Wits End’s speech.

“Hey Fluttershy, we’ve-” The grey pegasus froze as he realized that not only was Fluttershy not alone, but that it was Wits End in the closet with her. His mouth remained frozen open for a few seconds before he turned to face his pinto patterned friend. “I’m waiting,” he said, sitting down in the open door frame.

The faces of both the mint-colored unicorn and the pegasus mare blushed bright red. “It’s not what-” Fluttershy started.

“It’s definitely not,” Wits End cut in. “I got lost.”

“I helped,” Fluttershy added quickly.

“You two are making this too easy for me,” Light Patch muttered, rubbing a hoof on his muzzle. “Just be glad Pinkie or Rainbow aren’t here,” the stallion said aloud to the two. “Look we need to gather up again. Purple Heart screwed up.”

Wits End blinked; mentally, there was a strict-looking pony tossing a pile of papers with a quickly assembled excuse into the air. “Already? How?”

“He allegedly insulted somepony and then got himself arrested,” Light Patch elaborated before glancing to his side. “And there goes any hope of you two living this down.” The stallion watched the rest of the group join them.

Wits pushed past Light Patch to get into the hallway just in time as the other mares arrived, meeting with assorted grins, glares and giggles. “What?” he said defensively. “Just a guy coming out of the closet.” He froze as he realized what words had just come out of his mouth. “There’s no way to take that back, is there...”

The trio moved quickly over to join up the larger group, Fluttershy trying to ignore the troublesome grins Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie wore after having watched her leave the same closet Wits End had also been in. “Okay, we’re all back together, now we can go to storytime.” Light Patch said.

As if on cue, Princess Amber trotted through one of the many doorways and looked around. She sighed in relief when she noticed the growing group of ponies gathered near a closet.

“Thank goodness I found you!” she cried, galloping over to the group. “Have you all heard about Purple Heart?”

“We heard he got arrested,” Twilight said, bowing quickly to the golden unicorn. “We were just about to go check on him.”

“And mock him mercilessly,” Wits End offered. “I mean help. That’s what I meant to say.” He looked away, smacking himself in the side of the head. “Man. None of the words are working now.”

Amber shook her head, making the stray strands of hair that had escaped her bun bounce around. “You can’t. Nopony can see him until the King gives a verdict for his punishment.”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. “Punishment? What’d he do? Eat somepony’s lapdog?” Amber giggled weakly, shaking her head again.

“He apparently insulted a Lord’s daughter,” she explained. “I’m not sure what he said, I asked him if it was true. He said he didn’t mean to, but what he said could’ve been taken in an offensive way. After he admitted that, I could do nothing but have him arrested.”

“Wow,” Applejack mused. “You folks definitely take your laws seriously.” Amber nodded sadly.

“We have very strict rules of conduct here in the capital,” she admitted. “It is very possible that Purple Heart will be immediately put to death. He did insult a Lord’s daughter, even if it was accidental. Lords tend to overreact though.”

“Death?” both Twilight and Wits exclaimed in unison. The rest of the Mane Six gasped.

“What’s a lesser crime?” Twilight asked incredulously. “Sneezing without covering your mouth? Leaning against a wall?”

Wits End was holding his head with both forehooves. “But… Wait! He can’t die! He can’t get away with rolling up a new character this far in!”

“We’re not gonna have to stage a jailbreak, are we?” Light Patch asked. “I mean, I figured we’d have to at some point. We’re adventurers in a city controlled by a king who might have a few issues with us. But, I mean, this early?” Amber shrugged.

“I don’t think Bastion knows if you’re even here,” she said, “and even if he does, he doesn’t know why. I’ve been really careful around him since I got back. He didn’t seem disappointed that the bandits failed in detaining me. Nor did he seem all that angry. He actually seemed...almost welcoming.”

Twilight shook her head. “Whether he knows or not, we need to convince him that Purple Heart didn’t mean… whatever he said.” She turned to Amber Glitter. “You need to take us to King Bastion right away. The sooner we nip this in the bud, the less time anypony will have to do anything to him.” Amber shuffled her front hooves and averted her gaze.

“I can take you to him,” she said weakly, “but I don’t know if it’ll do any good.”

“Well, maybe we can convince him to let Witty and I take care of the punishment. I’m thinking I’ll hold him while Witty beats some sense into him,” Light Patch chimed in, only to yelp as Rarity struck him in the side yet again. “Okay, marshmallow. You and I need to talk about this hitting thing,” the grey pegasus said, earning another punch and a shushing from Applejack this time.

“Whether it’ll do anything or not,” Wits End said, ignoring Light Patch in favor of the golden princess, “we’ve gotta try. All you have to do is get us in to see him. We’ll take care of the rest.” Amber arched an eyebrow.

“I have the authority to let him see somepony,” she allowed, “but you’d better not try to free him. If anything goes wrong, you’ll be joining him in prison and then you won’t be able to do anything about Bastion.”

Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. “Would we get in trouble for smacking the moron in the face?” Amber giggled and shook her head.

“As long as you don’t free him,” she agreed, “smacking should be fine. I’m actually curious about what he said myself.”

“Right,” Light Patch said, tearing his glaring away from Rarity and Applejack, “In the mean time, we need to have a talk about this ‘lets all punch Light Patch’-” the grey stallion was cut off as Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash quickly jabbed him. “Fine. You know what? I didn’t want to do this, but you’ve pushed my hoof. Won’t heal this,” the stallion said before poorly dancing away from the group.

Wits End watched the pegasus retreat for a few seconds before sighing and turning back to Amber Glitter. “Take us to the barbarian before something weirder happens. Please.”

* * *

A thin, emaciated pegasus watched as the purple earth pony was thrown into the cell across from him. As soon as the guards moved away, the rust-colored stallion pressed against the bars. “My, my, you’re a big one,” he purred, smiling with broken, yellowed teeth. “A Barbarian, I’d guess, right? So strong… But you can’t bend steel, can you boy?” He chuckled, falling into a coughing fit. “You can’t do anything to get out of here. And those big muscles? They’re going to waste away. When the end comes, you won’t even have the strength to cry for your mother.” The pegasus’ grin reached a manic state. “That’s right. You’re going to die in here. You hear me, Barbarian? You’re going to die in here!”

To the pegasus’ surprise, the purple pony chuckled as he rose from the dirty cell floor and dusted himself off. “Nope,” he said flatly. The old stallion frowned.

“Pardon?” he asked.

“Nope,” the younger stallion repeated. “I won’t be dying in here.” The rusty old pegasus frowned and twisted his muzzle into a sneer.

“And what makes you so sure of that, boy?” he snarled. The barbarian smiled and pointed up.

“I’ll die up there,” he said. “They’ll want to make it public.”

“How do you figure that?” The young stallion shrugged.

“I got arrested during a ball,” he replied. “That and-”

“Hey, I’m a healer. Can I hit him extra hard if I fix it afterwards?” A voice echoed down the hall a few moments before a grey pegasus walked into view of the two cells. “Enjoying the hero factory so far?”

A mint-colored unicorn stepped up behind the pegasus, a look of disappointment and disgust on his face. “What is this? A Bioware game?”
Purple Heart groaned. “Them,” he finished. “Why did they have to come down here?”

“Because, buddy,” the stallion drew out in the most annoying way he could, “Ya dun goofed.” Purple Heart rolled his eyes.

“And here comes the cavalry. Short, aren’t they?”

“I’m Wits End,” Wits said with a grin. “I’m here to rescue you. I’m here with Twi Kenobi.”

“What are you doing?” Twilight called from the prison entrance.

Wits’ smile faltered. “Whuh oh. Joke time’s over.”

Twilight bumped the unicorn out of the way to stand in front of Purple Heart. After a couple of seconds of looking the earth pony over, she looked him in the eyes. “What did you do?” The purple earth pony sighed and braced himself for the imminent rage.

“I corrected the grammatical errors spoken by some high-born lady,” he explained, “when asked ‘to who I belonged to’. Being the grammar nut that I am, I corrected her. Find the error yourself and win a prize. Besides, I don't belong to anypony but myself.”

“Don’t you know better than to correct the nobility when they’re wrong?” Wits End asked. Purple Heart scowled.

“They should know proper grammar as a rule!” he snapped.

Rarity’s voice called from the entryway. “So much for intending not to open your mouth, darling!”

“Not helping!” Twilight called back.

“Dude, you do know that the nobility are the ones with the time and money to debate on how grammar and stuff works. They set the laws. The rest of us pleebs are too busy banging rocks together,” Light Patch chimed in.

Wits End shook his head. “It’s the Middle Ages. Grammar hasn’t been invented yet.” He sighed. “Great. Now you’re gonna be executed because you had to be an English teacher.” With a loud groan of irritation, Purple Heart backed further into his cell and faced the wall.

“It’s not like I tried to piss somepony off,” he growled. “Royals are paranoid and conceited. I can’t help correcting improper grammar. While it may not exist now, it does where we live. So, I apologize. I should have let that broad talk like she wants to. It’s not like my correction would’ve changed anything.”

“Good.” Wits nodded. “Now you know to keep your mouth shut around ponies with the authority to have your head chopped off.” He put his hooves together and moved them apart, tracing an arc in the air above his head. “The more your know.”

“Now we just have to get King Bastion to let you go,” Twilight said with a sigh. Purple Heart snorted, not facing away from the wall of his cell.

“Good luck with that,” he grouched. “I’m pretty sure that Amber told you there’s nothing you can do. So, unless you can become a lawyer and get me off on good behavior, I’m dead.”

Wits End’s expression turned serious, with a hint of pure confusion playing at his eyes. “When did you decide to lodge a Redwood up your flank?”

“I’m gonna cut you two off right there,” Light Patch said, pushing his way into between his friends in an effort to derail the brewing argument. We can’t get him to just drop the charges. Bastion probably can’t afford the political implications right now. But maybe we can convince him to go with something less than what he might be thinking of, so lets try to figure out what that might be, alright?”

After a moment of silence, Wits nodded. “Sounds good to me. But once you’re out of here, we’re gonna have words.”

“Yeah, yeah. A little less conversation and a little more action, please,” Light Patch said. After a few moments of silence, “This would be so much easier if we knew what kind of punishments were common here.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Aside from various levels of torture and execution, punishments could run from branding, cutting off ears, noses, or tongues, cutting off hooves, or blinding the prisoner. All of these are ways that a former criminal could be identified later in case of repeat offences.” She looked at the shocked looks from her friends. “There was a book in the alicorn library.”

“Okay,” Purple Heart spoke up after being quiet for some time. “Now that you’ve successfully scared me carpless, can I speak to the princess please?” Amber trotted forward upon hearing her name and peered into the cell.

“Yes?” she prompted. Purple Heart stood and turned his full attention to the unicorn.

“What kind of punishments are dealt out to prisoners who committed crimes on a political level?” the purple earth pony asked. Amber shrugged.

“Beheading,” she listed, “blinding, castration, chopping off limbs-”

“How about something that does less bodily harm?” Purple Heart interrupted scathingly. “None at all would be preferable.” Amber shrugged.

“You could win your freedom in the Royal Coliseum,” she offered. The purple barbarian perked up at the mention of ‘coliseum’.

“Hooo?” he mused. “That does sound interesting...” Amber blanched, and shook her head.

“But nopony’s ever won their freedom in over a decade,” she exclaimed. Purple Heart waved his hoof dismissively.

“But it isn’t outright death,” he pointed out. “And besides, Light, Wits, and I have a nasty habit of breaking tradition. All bad things come in threes.” He turned back to Wits End. “As for Coliseum things, that should make you happy.”

Wits End was lost in thought, tapping his chin with a forehoof. “Actually…” A smirk crossed his face. “Your wooden posterior obstruction aside, fighting in the coliseum might be a good idea.” he turned to Amber Glitter, his smirk widening. “In fact, you should sponsor him in the arena.”

Amber blinked in surprise. “Sponsor? What do you mean?”

“It’s simple.” Wits End tapped his hoof on the ground. “Have Purple Heart fight in the Royal Coliseum in your name. He might be having a bout of jerkarse right now, but chances are good that he’ll win his freedom.” He pointed at the purple barbarian. “You get your freedom, and to beat up some ponies,” he turned and pointed at the golden princess, “and you get the renown of being the pony who sponsored the first pony to win the coliseum in a decade. It helps your position with the nobility, and our reputation as adventurers. Everypony wins!”

Amber blinked again in surprise. “I hadn’t thought of that… That’s a good idea actually...” She turned to Purple Heart and offered a hoof. “What do you think?” A smile split the purple earth pony’s face and a dangerous light flickered in his eyes.

“Sounds fun,” he chortled, his grim mood departing. “Now you just have to convince Bastion to allow it. Lord Heavy Wait should be no problem thought he might jump at the fact of me fighting in the Coliseum.” Amber cocked her head.

“Why do you think that?” she asked.

“Yeah, why do you think that?” Twilight echoed. Purple Heart’s smile widened.

“You’ve seen me fight,” he elaborated. “Heavy Wait hasn’t. He’ll be so happy at the thought of me dying in front of hundreds of ponies, if not thousands.”

“Besides, who doesn’t love a good bout of blood sport? Nothing like a good fight to the death to get the masses excited, right?” Light Patch said, earning yet another punch to his being. This one sent him sprawling to the floor as the words ‘critical hit’ floated in the air for a few seconds. All of the ponies blinked around in surprise before they all noticed Fluttershy frozen with a hoof up at just the right angle to have been the one to hit him.

“Oh my,” she muttered, “I didn’t think I tapped him that hard.”

“Mien gott,” Purple Heart muttered. “How do you keep setting yourself up for those? It’s uncanny. And to get laid out by ‘Shy too. That’s incredible.”

Wits End blinked. “I, uh… Wow.” He coughed awkwardly. “A-anyway. What do ya think?” Purple Heart shrugged.

“Certainty of death,” he mused, his voice taking on a rough, gravelly quality. “Small chance of success… What are we waiting for?”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 34: Burned Cheeks

King Bastion looked down his muzzle at the ponies kneeling at his throne. “The Coliseum?” he muttered, his expression stoney and unreadable.

“Yes, my lord.” Wits End nodded, having stepped forward to explain their plan. “Purple Heart fights for his freedom. Entertainment for the people in exchange for his survival.”

The regal dark blue pegasus was silent for a moment before turning his gaze toward Amber Glitter, his lush graying mane bouncing as he moved. “And you would be his patron?”

The golden unicorn inclined her head in acknowledgement. “Yes, your majesty. Out of the ruling elite in Gallopilli, I’m most certainly the only pony willing to support him.”

“It also makes more sense than many of the harsher punishments,” Just Duty said, finally speaking up since the party had arrived. “If we’d enacted just the ones that didn’t leave the victim dead, we’d be an empty kingdom because we’d have all been blinded, rendered mute, and heirless.”

More silence from the king. Without turning his head, his eyes moved toward the large lord, sequestered to one side of the throne room with his daughter. “Lord Heavy Wait, these ponies are offering their friend’s potential doom in exchange for your satisfied honor. What say you?”

The heavy set stallion’s jowls wobbled disgustingly as he shook his head angrily, his face turning purple with rage. “Unacceptable!” he bawled. “I will see this ingrate punished here and now! Granted, entertaining the masses causes no harm, but this…this...”

“Nag?” Purple Heart offered.

“Yes, nag,” Heavy Wait continued, nodding in thanks to the bound barbarian. “This nag caused undue insult to my daughter. I demand sacrifice!”

King Bastion’s expression remained unchanged from Heavy Wait’s outburst, his gaze travelling between the assembled ponies as the considered the options. There was much clenching of jaws and nervous glances between the friends of the purple barbarian.

“Considering the flow of rumors as it is, this could also be a good time to try and limit, or even lower, any possible resentment of the commoners towards the nobility, your majesty,” the older blue grey stallion said.

“How so?” Bastion asked, looking curiously at Just Duty.

“Purple Heart is an adventurer, with no noble titles to his name. As such, in the eyes of the commoners, he is one of them. Even if his feats might speak otherwise. To use one of the overly harsh punishments, especially one that would render him lame, would most likely be interpreted by the commoners as the nobility abusing their powers over them. And many might assume that had Purple Heart been noble, this whole trial wouldn’t have ever happened in the first place.” Just Duty fell into silence as he finished, no other voices rising to fill the void. Bastion sat on his throne, slowly looking at the gathered ponies while apparently deep in thought.

Bastion considered what the blue-grey earth pony had said, eyes settling on each of the ponies supporting Purple Heart in turn. Finally, the king of Roania turned to the purple earth pony in question and broke the silence. “You are lucky that I, and not Lord Heavy Wait, rule here. You will begin fighting three days hence.”

Purple Heart exhaled, releasing a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Similar sounds could be heard from the his friends, including Amber Glitter, at the king’s decree. Wanting to keep up appearances as well as keep his knowledge of the ruling pony secret, he inclined his head to the King respectfully.

“Thank you, your majesty,” he said through gritted teeth.

“In addition,” the king added, the barest hint of a smile playing at his lips, “should you survive, I would suggest you ask your princess patron or some other nobility,” he glanced to Just Duty for an instant, “despite their lower standing, to teach you some tact. It would serve you well not to find yourself in my dungeons again.” With that, he leaned back, waving a hoof in dismissal. “I release you into the care of Princess Amber Glitter until your first match.” It was clear by his stance that the party’s time in his presence was finished.

As the shackles clanged to the floor, Purple Heart bit his lip in self-contained rage. His eyes flashed as he tasted iron on his tongue, but he kept silent. Retorting would only get him and his friends into more trouble and he’d caused them enough of that to last a significant amount of time. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Heavy Wait huff in displeasure and waddled away imperiously, his daughter close behind him. Just Duty gave a small wave before he walked over to a corner of the throne room in order to talk to ponies involved in another case Bastion was overseeing that day. Purple Heart’s jaw flex and clenched, emphasizing the muscles in his neck as he turned to the Mane Six, his two compatriots, and Princess Amber.

He trotted towards them, noting the relieved expressions the mares bore. A thoughtful frown was creasing Wits End’s forehead and a blank expression had wiped all emotion from Light’s face. Amber was the only pony there that looked worried. Most likely at his fate. Or impending doom...

“Well?” the purple stallion grunted, still irate with the ruling pony. “Now what?”

“Now,” Light Patch slowly said as his blank expression was consumed by a cocky grin, “Now we fit you for a chainmail bikini and have you fight for the entertainment of the masses. After all, what mare doesn’t like a little beefcake?” Purple Heart’s face went blank while Pinkie suddenly squealed in delight.

“Oooh, I love cake! I’ve never had beefcake, though. I bet I’d like it though.” The pink mare paused for a moment. “Also, whats a bikini?” she asked, tilting her head.

Wits End’s expression turned sour at the mental image. “A terrible thing to do to somepony like Purple, and an even worse punishment to anypony watching. As much as I hate to say it, though, Patchy’s got a point. If there’s any equipment Purple Heart can bring with him into the coliseum, we should get it now.”

“Excuse me, deary,” Rarity cut in. “But… what exactly is a ‘chainmail bikini’?”

“I was just wondering that,” Twilight said with a nod. “I’ve never read of such a type of armor.”

Wits End blinked, his expression flat. After a moment, he turned to Light Patch. “You did this,” he said plainly as he started walking away, “you get to fix it.”

Light Patch blanched as the mares of the group, including Amber, grouped up around the pegasus cleric to hear the explanation. He turned to Purple Heart with a pleading expression. “I don’t suppose you’d like to help out?” The large stallion gaze his friend an emotionless look.

“You dug this hole, you dig yourself out,” Purple Heart said tonelessly before following after the mint-colored pinto, Amber close on his hooves.

“You guys suck!” the pegasus stallion shouted before turning to look at the curious mares. With a sigh, he motioned towards the others. “We might as well walk and talk.”

* * *

Wits End’s head was on a swivel as he watched the passing ponies in the market district. After the Mane Six had recovered from Light Patch’s description of the legendary “chainmail bikini”, they had split up into groups to search for information on King Bastion and his involvement with the Roads Crossed bandits. The mares, needing time away from the grey pegasus, had elected to check the castle, leaving Wits End in the city with...

“I really need to talk to Rarity about her kicking me all of the time,” Light Patch grumbled, rubbing the sore spot on a leg.

“You do manage to deserve it, though,” Wits replied, watching a pony pull a carriage of two other ponies past. “That still seems weird to me…”

“Oh yeah, it’s still mind bending to me too. Not quite as mind bending as a couple other things for me though,” the pegasus stallion said, nodding and solidly ignoring his ears swiveling around at all of the sounds. “Brain, what are we gonna do now?”

“Same thing we do everyday, Pinky,” Wits growled. “Try to take over the- Hey, isn’t that Perfect Profit?”

Light Patch looked in the same direction his friend was looking, “Yeah, I’d recognize that pinto salesmare anywhere. Think we should go see what she’s uptah?” Light Patch asked. “Narf!” the pegasus suddenly said before giving a guilty look at his friend. “Sorry, it slipped out.”

Wits End raised an eyebrow at the pegasus. “Exclamation aside, she might have some advice on where to gather information in this place. You alright with talking to your ex after the way she shot you down?”

The pegasus cleric punched his friend. “Says the guy who got dumped for books.”

“I wasn’t dumped for- We’re not-” Wits sighed. “Come on.” He crossed the cobblestone street toward the traveling salesmare. Light Patch quickly caught up and then moved slightly ahead.

“Hey, you wouldn’t know where we could happen to find some Arachcolsid silk, would you?” he asked Perfect Profit.

“Yes actually, I woul- oh hey!” The earth pony merchant stopped after having seen the two stallions. “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you again after we split up. I figured as soon as your party was together again you’d go do, you know, adventurer stuff,” she finished.

“We’re on more of the ‘information gathering’ stage right now,” Wits End said. “Actually, if you don’t mind, I was wondering if you knew any good places in town to get the low down on some…” He pursed his lips for a moment. “...Where we could get some information. Almost made a total fool of myself.” Perfect Profit glanced curiously at the mint unicorn.

“I know a couple of places where a wide variety of information flows but...” She hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, I suppose I could share, but as a merchant I’m a little hesitant to just hoof out information for nothing. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to make it worth my while.” Light Patch frowned.

“Really, you’re gonna make us pay?” Light Patch asked, prompting a nod from Perfect Profit. “What about the fact that me and my friends helped you get here safely? Or that whole-”

“Hey, the way your friend said it made it sound shady,” she retorted cutting the grey pegasus off. “I’m a merchant, not an adventurer. I’d rather not get caught up in something I’m not prepared to deal with.”

Wits End thought for a few seconds. After a moment, a sly grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Well, I guess that’s fair enough,” he said with a shrug. “After all,” he nodded toward Light Patch, “your knight in mismatched armor turned out to be a dud.”

Perfect Profit looked at the unicorn. “Oh? And what would you have done?” she bit out. Both of them ignoring the look of indignation that Light Patch shot at his friend.

“Well, if there were a mare that I had somehow disappointed,” Wits End took a few steps, looking out at the horizon, “I would have done everything in my power to be the pony she wanted. I would never leave her on her own. If we fight, we fight together.” He turned back, a melancholy smile on his face as rose petals drifted gently by. “If fate decrees, let us die in each other’s arms.” He bowed to the tan and coffee patterned earth pony, glancing up into her eyes. “I’d swear never to leave her side, even after my final breath.”

Perfect Profit took a few steps back a light blush gracing her cheeks. “I, uh, those are, uhm. Okay, I guess I can give you the information. Just try to not let it come back and bite me, okay?”

Wits stood back up with a more humorous expression. “Even if this world ends, I’ll protect you with all my life.” Perfect Profit’s blush deepened and she glanced away for a second.

“The ShodIron Tavern is close enough to the castle and market districts to get a steady flow of customers from both.” She thought for a few seconds. “And the Kendark Inn usually has a few information brokers. And if all else fails you could try the Brimstone tavern by the docks; I’ve heard rumors that it’s frequented by thieves guild members,” she finished with a sigh. “Just be careful, okay?”
Wits End nodded, smiling wide. “We’ll do our best to return unscathed. My thanks to you, my princess,” he finished with a nod and a grin, turning and walking away.

“Thanks for the help, Perfect,” Light Patch said with a nod before he hurried to catch up with his friend. “You got lucky with that rose cart overturning while it was up wind of your little scene there,” the pegasus said to his friend.

“That was crazy,” the mint-colored unicorn replied, sighing heavily. “That seems like it’s getting easier, too. It’s almost like-” He was cut off by a small paper card with two holes punched out floating into his face. Wits End grabbed the card with his magic, holding it far enough away to read. “Expert Host,” he read. “Improve the relationship of ten characters using seduction checks, and get the Host skill free.” He sighed, slipping the card into his pocket. “Oh boy…”

The two stallions walked for a few minutes. Perfect Profit was about to start on her way again when the mint-colored stallion ran back, a light blush on his cheeks from embarrassment. “Hey, uh… how do we get to those places?”

Perfect Profit stared at the green pinto stallion incredulously for a few moments before she sighed. Why do the cute ones always have to come with more issues than a dragon has scales...

* * *

The Mane Six watched curiously as Purple Heart was measured and fitted for a jacket bearing Amber Glitter’s personal crest that identified her as his patron. In addition to the jacket, he was also being fitted for a number of vests that would be worn by the purple barbarian during his fights in the Coliseum.

“I’m curious,” Twilight mused, watching the unicorn tailor bat Rarity’s questing hooves away for the hundredth time, “what is a Coliseum battle like?” Purple Heart chuckled deep in his throat and looked over his shoulder at the alicorn only to have his head wrenched back to the tri-fold full length mirror he stood before by the unicorn tailor.

“If the rules of combat are the same as the ones I’ve seen in books and such, bloody,” the purple earth replied. The Mane Six gasped in horror at the adjective the stallion chose.

“Why would they be bloody?” Fluttershy whimpered softly.

Purple Heart shrugged, earning him a slap on the shoulder by the tailor. “Entertainment for the masses,” he explained grimly. “Commoners like bloody entertainment for two reasons. Hitotsu: they’re disconnected from it. Futatsu: its basic slapstick without humor. Pain is amusing to watch, as long as you aren’t the one feeling it.” Rainbow Dash gulped. Despite being the most aggressive pony in the group, fighting for entertainment wasn’t something that occurred at all in Equestria. To know that it happened in a world like this under Discord’s control was discouraging to say the least.

“Do you really think your fights will be bloody?” she asked. Purple Heart shrugged and received yet another smack from the tailor.

“No move!” she squeaked. “No move! And no capes!” With a roll of his cobalt eyes and a mutter about tetchy tailors, the purple earth pony sighed and smiled at Rainbow Dash via the mirror.

“I would very much hope not,” he said. “But if beating somepony into the arena sand will get me my freedom, I’ll have to do it, regardless of morals.”

“So yall’d risk your freedom at th’ cost of killin’ somepony?” Applejack piped up. “Yall’d commit such an evil act like that?” Amber and the Mane Six noticed the stiffening of the stallion’s shoulders, much to the happiness of the tailor who continued to measure and scribble on a notepad, mumbling rapidly under her breath about hobo suits.

“Good and Evil,” Purple Heart said softly, almost too softly for the mares to hear him, “are two constructs based on moral opinion. Evil for one pony could be good for another. A lord could be doing ‘good’ by applying taxes to the ponies of his land to protect them, but those same ponies could could see it as tyranny. Take Queen Chrysalis for example. All she wanted was to feed her children. Is the desire to feed your offspring evil?” Amber watched the Mane Six shuffle their hooves and mumble softly, unwilling to voice a counter argument. Her attention shifted to Purple Heart as he continued.

“To Chrysalis, she believed her actions were good,” the purple earth pony elaborated. “But to the princesses, she was fulfilling her children’s needs at the cost of Equestria’s citizens. So obviously, Celestia and Luna believed Chrysalis’ actions to be moral wrong.”

“But that’s not really an objective morality,” Twilight cut in, drawing the attention of the surrounding mares. “Chrysalis might have been doing what she thought was right, but she chose to do it through aggression. She could have approached the Princesses and worked out some sort of treaty. She didn’t have to attack on my brother’s-” She stopped, breathing heavily as she recovered herself before looking directly at Purple Heart’s eyes in the mirror. “Queen Chrysalis made the choice to perform evil. You have the same choice in front of you.” She turned away, walking toward the door. “I need some air.”

“I might not even need to make a choice, you know,” Purple Heart called after the retreating alicorn. “I’m as much a stranger to this world as you are. For all I know, I could be fighting with cupcakes and waterballoons, although that is very unlikely. Still, I wouldn’t put it past Discord to pass up a chance at trolling us. But know this: if morally challenged, I will certainly chose the lesser of two evils. Or three. Depending on how many.”

Twilight looked back, looking the purple stallion over. “With the way you’ve been acting since we left Roads Crossed? I hope you’ll be able to tell which is which.” With that, she walked through the doorway, closing the door behind her.

Purple Heart looked over his shoulder and stared in surprise at the swinging door. The remaining mares gaped at the rattled purple stallion, half expecting to see him crumple from the ridicule.

“Owch?” he asked softly, his voice weak. The tailor smacked him again and yanked his head around back to the mirror. Silence fell in the room, broken only by the shuffling steps and fluttering wings of the remaining members of the Mane Six as they went after their winged friend. As they left, Pinkie turned around and looked mournfully at Purple Heart, startling him with her expression.

“Buuuuuurn.”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 35: Intentions for Planning

Wits End sat down at the table, sliding several mugs of cider in front of the ponies seated around it. “There,” he sighed, “drinks for all of the ponies.”

Twilight took the offered mug, staring down at its contents. “Thanks,” she muttered, her voice barely audible.

Light Patch leaned over to Pinkie. “What’s got her so depressed?” he asked. Pinkie glanced up from her cider.

“Her and Purple Heart had a smallish disagreement. They’ll get over it.” Pinkie finished taking a sip of her cider. “So ,what were you two doing here?”

“Information gathering,” Wits answered. “We learned this was a good place to dig up dirt on ponies, so we’re here to see if anypony knows anything about…” He glanced around at the other inn patrons. “Ya know, You-Know-Who.”

“You mean Voldemort?” Pinkie chimed in.

“Who in Equestria are you talking about?” Rarity asked, looking up from her inspection of her mug’s cleanliness. Pinkie took a deep breath preparing to answer.

“An evil wizard guy from a story where Witty and I are from,” Light Patch said, quickly cutting the party mare off. “It was a long boring walk to the city, so we started sharing stories,” The grey pegasus said at the looks from Rarity and Twilight.

Wits cleared his throat just loud enough to gather the attention of the ponies at his table. “That aside,” he said, “we still need to find out where these information brokers are, and how to get information out of them without going on a 27-hour side-quest.” He looked at Pinkie Pie. “Of the ponies in this inn, who’d you think are the brokers?”

“Wait,” Rarity interrupted. “Why are you asking Pinkie Pie instead of a pony with an exceptional ability to judge ponies, such as myself?”

“Because she can cheat.” Wits said simply. “When I sent her to find a weapon when I was in that bandit arena, she managed to find a magic sword. She was able to sense when the bandits were going to overwhelm us when we were defending Roads Crossed. If anypony can fudge a perception check, it’s her.”

Rarity shrugged. “Thats very fair.”

Pinkie quickly chugged down the last bit of her cider before pointing to a stallion a few tables away. “Him. He quirked his ears when you mentioned we were listening for information on a specific pony, and started to do everything he could to get closer and hear better when I mentioned Voldemort.”

“Perfect,” Wits said with a smirk. “Now we need the exceptional judge of ponies.”

Rarity blinked. “Excuse me?” She pushed her untouched mug away, leveling her gaze on Wits End. “What makes you think I’m going anywhere near a shifty character like that?”

“Let me put it this way.” Wits End stood, brushing off his cloak. “Who do you think he’ll want to talk to? A small dorky stallion? Or a pretty young mare?”

After a moment of thought, Rarity stood up, flipping her mane majestically. “Well, I suppose if it’s for the good of the rest of us.”

“Your generosity is appreciated,” Wits said. He turned to Light Patch. “If things look like they’re going south, come over and save us.”

“Roight!” Light Patch said with an exaggerated salute. “You wanna set up a ‘things are going horribly wrong’ safe word? Or just wait for someone to start swinging?”

“Good idea.” Wits End thought for a second. “Here’s one I know I won’t be saying in normal conversation. The password is ‘gun-pits’.” The grey pegasus’s snort of amusement caught the three mares by complete surprise, as did his choking afterwards.

“Right, I’ll listen for it,” Light Patch forced out between his coughs.

Wits End chuckled. “We’ll be back with information.”

“Or screaming for help,” Rarity interjected.

“Let’s hope for the first option,” Wits said, leading the way toward the table of the information broker.

Light Patch continued to cough as he watched his friends move towards the information broker. His head flopped to the table as his forelegs covered his head, “I think I got some of that cider up my nose,” he moaned.

“What’s so funny about gun-pits?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head. Light Patch glanced at her, then towards his friend.

“I can explain that later.” He paused, glancing over towards Twilight. “So, Miss Brains, got any thoughts on the nice little predicament we’ve found ourselves in?”

“Hmm?” Twilight looked up. “Oh, sorry. I was thinking about something Purple Heart said.”

“Oh boy. What did he use to stick his hoof in his mouth this time?” Light Patch asked.

“He was talking about how what one pony might think is right might not be so black and white.” The purple mare’s expression screwed up in concern. “I didn’t think about it when we were arguing, but while we were walking over here, it got me thinking.” She glanced out the window, the castle visible over the tops of the rooftops. “We’ve been assuming that we’re doing the right thing trying to take down King Bastion. But what if…” She trailed off, losing herself in thought again.

Light Patch sighed. “‘The road to Tartarus is paved with good intentions’.” The pegasus paused, glancing out the same window. “Thats a quote from back where me and my friends are from. I always interpret it as meaning even the best of intentions and actions can turn out to have unfortunate consequences.” He paused again, thinking about something. “That's why we’re not just trying to throw Bastion out the window. We’re researching; investigating. If he’s not evil, we probably won’t take him out.”

“But the only reason we’re doing this is because Boomer told us to!” Twilight returned. “What if it turns out we depose Bastion and whoever takes the throne is even worse? We don’t even know anything about either of them except what Boomer’s told us!” She sighed, looking down at the table. “Wits End seems to think Discord has everything planned out linearly, but what if we’re missing something?”

Light Patch gave a short bark of laughter. “Oh, trust me, Discord is winging this like a hummingbird. And if we aren’t missing something, I’ll eat my helmet.” He withered slightly under Twilight and Pinkie’s glares. “Again, that’s why we’re trying to find out what's going on. If Bastion is the better of the two, we’ll turn against Boomer. If Boomer’s better, we’ll stick with him. If neither is ideal,” he shrugged, “we’ll have to wing it just as hard.”

Twilight fell silent. “Is that common where you three come from?” She asked. “You, Purple Heart, and Wits End have all talked about being flexible with your support.” She looked up. “This is going to sound rude, but… Where do you come from that teaches you to be so relaxed when it comes to supporting other ponies?”

“It's a more chaotic place. Discord would probably love to live there,” he sighed. “You can’t just trust what you see on the surface. You’ve gotta dig a little deeper, and be willing to pull your support away if it turns out to be not what you thought it was. Unlike where you mares are from, we don't have the benefit of an immortal leader to keep things from fracturing as much as they have where we live. We have dozens of different countries, all vying for the same land and resources. And hundreds of cultures, and a bunch of different religions. Our home’s normal state of being is change.” The pegasus finished off his cider before continuing. “So we’re not perfect, and maybe we like to bash each other over the head over some dumb stuff. And granted, we’re probably all a little crazy. But sometimes our craziness can lead to some fairly impressive things. Like ascending to the stars on pillars of fire and smoke.” The grey pegasus was cut off at the sounds of his friends returning to the table.

“I can’t believe I had to do that,” Wits End was grumbling as he and Rarity trotted back to the table. “That was not worth another tick on the Expert Host card. I’m gonna have to brush for a week to…” He trailed off, looking over the serious expressions of the ponies seated. “Boy, you guys look like you’re having fun.”

“Did we miss something?” Rarity asked with concern.

“Nothing important right now. Just some thoughts about home,” Light Patch responded, looking over at Rarity. “What about you two? Any luck getting some info?”

“We got things,” Wits End said. “We should head back to the tavern. It’ll be easier to go over it all at once, rather than saying it over and over.”

Pinkie jumped up from her seat, “Right then! Last one there’s a rotten egg!” the pink mare shouted as she bolted for the door. Light Patch glanced at the others before quickly moving to follow.

Wits End sighed as Rarity passed him. “I’m not running,” he said blankly as he moved towards the exit.

“You know,” Twilight offered, putting the grey pegasus’ words aside for the moment, “if we got there at the same time, there wouldn’t be a ‘last one there’.”

“Technicalities…” Wits End smirked. “I like it. Let’s go! At our own pace and roughly the same speed!”

* * *

“Ya don’t think we could be lost, do ya Dash?” Applejack asked slowly.

“Course not!” the sky blue pegasus said brightly. “This castle isn’t that big! I’m sure I can get us through it!”

“Why don’t we ask somepony for directions to Princess Amber’s room?” Fluttershy whispered. “I think we’d draw less attention that way. And getting lost won’t be a problem… Maybe...”

“Aw, c’mon Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash pleaded. “We’re like spies sneaking through a castle infested with hostiles trying to find the secret documents! Boy! I’m sure Daring Do would love to hear about this! This is so much fun!”

“Ah think you’re gettin’ a little too excited there, Dash,” Applejack chided sternly. “We aren’t exactly the most welcome here, y’know. Not after Purple’s little fiasco.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t Purple Heart’s fault,” Fluttershy said softly. “And I wouldn’t say sneaking through a castle would be what I call ‘fun’.”

“Ah agree with ‘Shy,” Applejack said. “Technically, we’re trespassin’. That’s enough of a reason for them guard ponies to toss us out.”

“Ok, fine,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “I get your point. But how do we find a pony that’ll tell us where Princess Amber is without calling for the guards?” Applejack shrugged and looked up and down the corridor they had been trotting down for the past ten minutes. About five minutes prior, the corridor had curved gently, almost as if the corridor encircled the interior of the castle like a ring. Except for the three mares, the corridor was devoid of life, equine or otherwise.

“What if we ask that colt over there?” the orange earth pony suggested, pointing back the way they had come. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both turned their heads to follow Applejack’s outstretched hoof. One of the doors part way down the corridor had opened and an older, snow-colored stallion stood in the doorway, adjusting his sash with a small pocket mirror. A small frown crossed his face as he inspected his reflection. After a moment, he brushed a lock of dark-grey mane back with the back of his hoof. Satisfied with his appearance, he tucked the mirror into the folds of his cloak and closed the door behind him.

“Hey! Oldtimer!” Rainbow Dash called, flapping forward towards the unknown pony. “Could you help us?” The stallion froze for a split moment, his eyes darting toward the rainbow-maned pony. Upon seeing the three mares, his expression relaxed slightly, and he turned to the approaching mare.

“That entirely depends on what you need help with,” he replied, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. He looked past Rainbow Dash at Fluttershy, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly. “You were guests at the ball held in Princess Amber Glitter’s honor, were you not?” Applejack trotted after the sky blue pegasus, shaking her head at her friend’s candor.

“Eeyup, we were,” Applejack confirmed, coming to a halt several paces away from the old stallion. “We were wonderin’ if you’d be able to direct us to Princess Amber? We kinda have a few questions for her.” Fluttershy joined Rainbow Dash and Applejack moments later and offered the old stallion a weak smile that she knew didn’t fool him. From what Wits had told her, this stallion was not somepony to take lightly.

The stallion thought for a second, looking over each mare in turn. “Possibly,” he said with a smirk. “but I would be failing at my job if I didn’t ask why three mares associated with our newest arena star wanted to speak with his patron in such a hurry.”
Applejack shrugged noncommittally and placed a forestalling hoof over Rainbow Dash’s mouth before the cyan pegasus had a chance to say something incriminating. “Since th’ Princess’ in charge of keepin’ Purple Heart out of trouble while he ain’t fightin’, we thought we’d give her some advice on what to keep on eye on, and how to deal with him.” Fluttershy nodded slowly in agreement while Rainbow Dash glared furiously at her orange friend, quite put out at being muted in such a fashion.

The snow-colored stallion nodded. “Of course, of course. It’s always nice to see friends looking out for each other, isn’t it?” He chuckled, pointing a hoof down the hallway in the direction the mares had come from. “Follow this hall until you reach a tapestry depicting a pony fighting a dragon. On the opposite side of the hall will be a stairwell. Take that up to the second floor and go left. The Princess is in the third room on your right.” His smile widened as he bowed to the three mares. “Tell her that Chancellor Holdfast sends his... deepest regards.”

Applejack inclined her head in thanks and began to herd Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy in the direction Holdfast had sent them. They walked silently down the corridor until they came to the tapestry opposite the stairs and ascended them. Upon reaching the second landing, the trio took the left hallway and continued down to the third door on the right. During this whole time, Fluttershy’s heart was racing faster than Rainbow Dash could fly. Only when the trio had knocked thrice upon the door and were admitted into Princess Amber’s presence did Fluttershy finally speak.

“Why did you ask that pony for directions?” she cried, tears starting to form at the corners of her aquamarine eyes. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Amber, and Opal stared at the yellow pegasus in surprise.

“Were we not supposed to?” Rainbow Dash asked, confusion apparent on her face. Fluttershy shook her head almost wildly.

“That pony is dangerous!” she squeaked. “We can’t trust him!” Amber frowned at the distraught pegasus.

“Who did you talk to?” she asked softly, trying to soothe Fluttershy’s anxiety.

Fluttershy hiccuped once before responding. “Chancellor Holdfast.”

Amber stiffened at the mention of the stallion’s name, her expression shifting to one of terror. Applejack frowned at the actions of both mares.

“What’s so bad about this ‘Holdfast’ character?” she asked brusquely. Fluttershy took a breath to speak but recalled the promise she had made to Wits End. Instead, it was Amber who spoke.

“Chancellor Holdfast is a very...” she paused, searching for the proper word to describe the old stallion, “intensely motivated pony. Nothing is beyond him. He is one of the more influential members of Gallopilli’s society and is one to watch out for. You must tread carefully when searching for evidence against Bastion.” Applejack considered the princess’ words with a pensive expression on her face. Rainbow Dash snorted, finally free of her ‘gag’.

“We can take him,” she declared arrogantly. “He won’t know what hit him!” Amber turned and glared crossly at the hovering pegasus.

“I believe it is the inverse,” she said coolly. “You will not know what hit you if Holdfast has designs on you and the rest of your friends. I am almost certain that he means me harm as I am in line for the throne.” Rainbow Dash’s arrogant grin disappeared to be replaced by fear and worry.

“Can’t you tell somepony you trust about Holdfast?” Applejack asked. Amber shook her head.

“Even if there was somepony I trusted apart from you and the rest of your friends,” she said, “there is no proof of Holdfast’s intentions. While he is certainly aged, he is by no means stupid. I believe even Wits End would be hard pressed to outthink him.”

“So what should we do?” Applejack asked after several seconds of silence. Fluttershy ignored the conversation as her thoughts were elsewhere, worrying about a particular mint-colored colt.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 36: Will power help?

The majority of the two days leading up to Purple Heart’s first appearance in the Coliseum had been spent either eating, sleeping, or sulking. Twilight had done an amazing job of burning him after their little argument regarding morals and evil. Unfortunately for the purple earth pony, he was still suffering from the harsh words the alicorn had said to him.

It was uncanny.

Twilight Sparkle had rendered him near brain dead for two whole days with only a hoof-full of words.

Amber Glitter trotted slowly into the room Purple Heart had been given and stood silently in the doorway, unsure of how to approach the somber stallion. The princess knew that what Twilight had said was uncalled for. Certainly, Purple Heart had an attitude to him as well as a violent streak, but in the short time she had known him, Amber had come to respect the large barbarian. Perhaps telling him that Twilight was out of line would cheer him up. Yes, that should lighten his mood.

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, Amber forced a smile onto her face and cantered over to where Purple Heart sat at a table near a window, staring down at a chessboard. Ignoring the game, Amber looked directly at him and spoke, intent on relieving some of the stress that was etched so clearly into the stallion’s face.

“What Twilight said was uncalled for,” Amber urged. “She was wrong about you being a violent pony who-”

“She was right,” Purple Heart croaked, uttering the first words he had said that day. Amber froze in surprise at the purple earth pony’s words. In the fading sunlight, he cut a dramatic figure against the setting sun. If the situation was otherwise, the sight would have set Amber’s heart racing. Instead, she frowned in puzzlement at Purple Heart.

“Why?” she asked curiously.

“During this endeavor, I’ve flip-flopped so many times,” the purple barbarian mused softly, almost too much that Amber couldn’t hear him. “I was helpful, I was arrogant. I was polite, I was rude. I was a gentlepony, I was a jerk. Indecision is my curse and it plagues me even now. It’s even my fault we’re in this mess.” Amber took several steps back, stunned at the silent tirade. Purple Heart was being unusually hard on himself.

“How is it your fault?” she asked curiously. Purple Heart chuckled darkly.

“I gave an all-powerful genie a loophole,” he said. He turned to look at Amber with sad but bemused cobalt eyes. “You should never give a genie a loophole. Particularly a genie like Discord. And now we’re in this world.” Amber frowned and took a step back away from the seated earth pony.

“You mean you aren’t from around here?” she queried. Purple Heart was about to reply to the golden unicorn’s question when there was a knock on the door to the purple earth pony’s suite. The door swung open to reveal a pair of guards flanking a heavy built grey stallion dressed in a simple robe the color of rust. He wasn’t obese like the insufferable Lord Heavy Wait. Instead, he was muscular and athletic, probably a gladiator who had won himself his freedom or possibly a military veteran. A bronze medallion stamped with a horseshoe hung from a thick iron chain about the earth pony’s neck. It bounced on the stallion’s chest as he entered the suite and bowed to Princess Amber.

“Your highness,” the stallion grunted, his voice a gravelly tone. “It is time for the Prisoner’s first bout.” The Princess bristled in irritation at the moniker the upper class of Gallopilli had foisted upon Purple Heart. She was about to berate the pony to the contrary but was beaten by Purple Heart.

“Yes, sir,” the purple barbarian replied tonelessly. He stood from his seat by the window and took one final glance at the chessboard before walking slowly over to the robed stallion.

“My name is Melee Glorious,” the stallion said. “I am the Master of the Coliseum. I run the bouts and games for the entertainment of the commons and the royals.” A vein twitched in Purple Heart’s forehead but he remained silent. Amber sighed, relieved that his depression hadn’t completely consumed the purple barbarian. There was obviously something about the Master of the Coliseum that rankled Purple Heart, but Amber couldn’t bring herself to ask him. Not yet at least.

The princess walked over to the stallions and gestured to the door.

“Can you tell us anything on the way?” she asked. Melee inclined his head and led the two ponies down the corridor towards the main hall. The two guards fell in behind Purple Heart and Amber as they were escorted through the castle. Several servants and nobles studied the group as they passed. Princess Amber shifted uncomfortably under the haughty gazes of the nobles while Purple Heart gave no sign of any discomfort. He wasn’t even complaining about the sash of red and gold draped across his shoulders in honor of his sponsor or the vest imprinted with a gold rampant unicorn on crimson that accentuated his chest muscles. The group walked in silence down a flight of stairs before Purple Heart eventually spoke.

“Who’s my first opponent?” he asked. Amber breathed another subtle sigh of relief. Purple Heart’s tone had certainly changed from the depressed monotone it had been for the past days.

“Since you are new to the arena,” Melee replied, not looking at the barbarian, “you will be engaging some of the more inexperienced, weak fighters. To gain your freedom, you have to fight in and survive five games. This will be your first.”

“No pressure,” Purple Heart muttered to himself, loud enough for Amber to hear. A small smile curved the Princess’ lips as they continued through the castle. She was relieved his shell of depression was cracking.
It took nearly ten minutes for the five ponies to reach the castle’s main gate. When they arrived, they saw an ornate carriage waiting at the entrance. Melee came to a stop at the bottom of the castle’s steps and turned to Princess Amber.

“You will ride to the Coliseum in this with an armed escort,” he stated, leaving no room to negotiate. Amber frowned at the stallion’s brusque words and glared down at him before climbing into the carriage. Melee nodded to the guard and the cart trundled away towards the Coliseum. Purple Heart watched as Amber stuck her head out of the window and waved at him as she disappeared from view. A weak smile curved the purple earth pony’s lips and he turned to the Master of the Coliseum.

“So,” he said, “what chariot awaits me?” Melee gestured to a rundown cart covered in iron bars. Purple Heart chuckled and trotted over to the decrepit vehicle and jumped inside. The sound of old wood screeching at the sudden weight echoed around the courtyard. Purple Heart’s smile turned into a grin of embarrassment.

“Oops,” he said. Melee merely stared blankly at the hefty pony and gestured for the guards to begin pulling the cart down towards the Coliseum.

“I imagine you will find your time in the Coliseum to be quite...” Melee paused. “Difficult.” Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the other earth pony as they passed through the city, drawing dozens of eyes towards their little convoy.

“And I should be surprised by that?” Purple Heart retorted. “I have no allusions as to how much pain I will be in during my...vacation.”

“Then you’re smarter than most gladiators,” Melee mused.

“I’m not like most gladiators,” the purple barbarian said.

“Indeed,” the grey stallion agreed. “While most fight for money, you fight for your life.”

“Eeyup,” Purple Heart confirmed. “I’m in for a world of pain. I wouldn’t be surprised if Heavy Wait tried to fix one of my fights just to get the satisfaction of my dying.” Melee looked aside at the caged pony, his eyes narrowed.

“You don’t seem afraid,” the grey Coliseum Master grunted. “That’s stupid. That aside, I won’t allow any bribes to affect a bout.”

“Well that’s a relief,” the purple earth pony sighed. “Least I don’t have to worry about haxes or anything like that. As for not seeming afraid, I’m just good at masking my face. Inside, I’m bloody terrified.”

“Good,” Melee said as they drew closer to the Gladiator’s Entrance to the Coliseum. “Only a fool would go into battle without fear.”

“Lucky for me I’m not a fool,” Purple Heart grinned. “S’long as it doesn’t include mares and rocket science.”

* * *

Amber Glitter sat anxiously in the royal box of the coliseum as befitting her status, waiting for Purple Heart’s first bout to begin. To settle her nerves, the golden unicorn took as sip of water and breathed slowly and deeply before she looked at the ponies accompanying her. Purple Heart’s friends were indeed interesting individuals to say the least. The purple barbarian certainly ran with an unusual crowd.

“I’m back with whatever snackage I could grab. I didn’t miss anything, did I?” Light Patch said, holding the aforementioned snacks.

“Not yet,” Twilight replied, leaning away as Pinkie Pie lunged at the offered snack foods. “They just finished announcing the order of the battles for today.”

Wits End grabbed a small, unidentifiable ball of fried food, thrown free by the pink mare’s feeding frenzy. “Looks like they have the more impressive fights toward the end of the day,” he said, sniffing the food-like object. “Since Purple Heart’s just-”

“Ow! Pinkie, that was my wing, not food!” Light Patch shouted. With a sheepish grin, the pink pony grabbed some non-wing edibles and retreated to her seat. “Sorry, what were you saying?” the pegasus asked, rubbing his wing and looking back to his friend.
Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line as he shot a glare at the grey pegasus. “...Just starting off,” he continued, “we’ll see him more toward the beginning.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Light Patch responded.

“I can’t wait,” Rainbow Dash said excitedly. “I never thought fighting could be an actual sport like this!”

“Well, I can,” Rarity interjected. “It’s bad enough we have to fight out in the dirt and mud. But to treat it like a sport?” She scoffed. “Barbaric. That’s what it is.”

Applejack leaned over the back of Wits End’s seat. “What in tarnation is that you’re eating?”

“‘Eating’ is such a strong word,” Wits replied, looking down at the ball of food-object, now with a bite taken out of it. “I think it’s fried.”

“Fried what?”

Wits shrugged. “Just fried. All the way down.”
Light Patch looked thoughtfully at the crowd around them.

After noticing the unusual look on the grey pegasus’ face, Amber, against her better judgement, posed a question to the thoughtful pony.

“Something wrong, Light Patch?” she inquired, half regretting her decision to question the rather unusual pegasus. The pegasus stallion turned to look at Amber.

“Huh? Oh, uh, no, not really, your majesty. Just trying to calculate my chances of starting a wave as a showing of support to my friend,” he responded, shifting in his seat some.

Amber blinked at the unknown terminology. “What’s a w- Nevermind. I think I’m better off not knowing for now.” The golden unicorn fell silent as a booming voice echoed around the coliseum, causing much of the crowd’s chatter to peter out instantly.

“Ladies and gentleponies!” the voice boomed, echoing from everywhere and seemingly no where at the same time. “Welcome to another day at Gallopilli’s Royal Coliseum, the only place willing to satisfy your need for combative entertainment-”

“And unidentifiable food stuffs,” Wits End muttered.

“Today, we have a plethora of potentially bloody and gory games for you,” the voice continued, heedless of Wits’ muted sarcasm. “So without further ado, allow me to introduce your first battle for the day.” The announcer’s voice subsided in the storm of cheering that rocked the arena. “First, the accused!” A gate cranked open on the arena’s floor and the identifiable form of a purple earth pony walked slowly out onto the sand.

“Accused of senseless debauchery and unnecessary language that was untoward, Purple Heart the Adventurer is sentenced to death at the Royal Coliseum,” the commentator rumbled. “To escape such sentence, he must win five consecutive battles in the arena.”

“He wasn’t flirting with that nag!” Amber hissed, startling the Mane Six. “He was doing something entirely different!”

“Relax,” Wits End said calmly. “All that matters is that he wins his freedom, not what some announcer makes up.” He smirked. “Besides, the audience loves a bad boy. It’ll help cement his persona as the antihero in this situation.” A frown marred Amber’s normally peaceful features as she turned back to the arena.

“Since he is just starting in the arena,” the commentator continued, “his debut battle shall be against the heralding champions of the lowest rankings. Please put your hooves together for the Braek Brothers!” The crowd burst into applause and cheers as two gates opposite the purple earth pony creaked open and two large stallions sauntered out. One was a dark hue of crimson covered with intermittent patches of white. The other was colored inversely. Both were twice as big as Purple Heart and definitely held a great deal more muscle between them. In addition to being shockingly similar, both wore black bandanas around their necks that were stamped with two golden letters: ‘BB’.

Wits End’s eyes narrowed. “Really? Big horses? This is the best they’ve got for the first match of the day?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the stallion. “You’re complaining about the ponies your friend is going to fight?”

“Listen.” Wits leaned back. “I came here to support my friend, and also watch him get the stuffing beaten out of him. I want my bits back.”

“I thought we didn’t have any bits?” Pinkie interjected.

“Let’s not start that again.”

“They could have at least pulled something more interesting out, like a dinosaur or some kind of mutant freak of nature,” Light Patch muttered. “Back in my day-”

Wits End cleared his throat. “Boy I wonder when the match could possible start,” he said loudly, his voice deadpan and devoid of any verbal punctuation.

The crowd silenced itself for several seconds as the combatants faced off. A gong sounded.

“BEGIN!”

The crowd, save nine rather concerned ponies, roared in pleasure as the battle began.

* * *

“BEGIN!”

Purple Heart tensed, waiting for a grid to appear on the arena floor along with a turn list. So far, the purple barbarian had witnessed two formats when combat was joined.
The first was the structured, grid driven, turn based system that seemed to mesh factors and aspects from both DnD and Warhammer. This format would definitely be interesting to utilize if he was fighting one on one or alone against a group. Regardless, if he was presented with said format, he would be at a disadvantage, something that he was certain Discord would be entertained by.

The second format was the free-form, action oriented role playing game styled system that was driven by the athleticism and physical abilities of the player. This format would definitely be prefered over the former, but was a great deal less likely to be utilized. It only seemed to work either against hordes of weak mobs or one powerful one in particular. Purple Heart had no illusions that his time in the coliseum would be anything if not interesting.

Purple Heart’s thoughts were interrupted by the battle cries of the two huge stallions as they launched themselves towards their quarry.

“Carp,” Purple Heart growled. “Guess it’s free-form combat.”

Purple Heart was reasonably certain that his athleticism would allow him to make at least some kind of strenuous move to get out of the two stallions’ line of fire. Ducking certainly wouldn’t help him but it seemed like his only option. While it wasn’t a tried and true defensive stratagem, it definitely gave you some comfort for several seconds. Against his better judgement, Purple Heart darted forward, as if he intended to meet the two stallions head on. When he was at least a number of yards away from the flying earth ponies, he dropped to the sand, letting his opponents sail over him. The confused expressions on the two ponies’ faces were priceless. Seconds after the two massive colts had flown over him, Purple Heart leapt to his hooves and began circling to the right, wanting to get one behind the other.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t fast enough. One of the stallions jumped onto the other’s shoulders and launched itself high into the air. It was plain to see what the gargantuan pony intended, even to the spectators. Giving a high pitched yip of surprise, Purple Heart tried to rush out from under the stallion’s shadow, only to get cut off by the second.

Gritting his teeth, Purple Heart took a chance. He barreled forward, pushing himself to charge directly at the earth-bound pony in an attempt to use this opportunity given to him. The crowd’s cheering swelled as Purple Heart alternated between kicking and punching at the huge pony, trying to break the defense with a flurry of blows that were meant to distract instead of do any real damage.

Blow after blow was blocked by the stallion’s thick forelegs, giving no opening for Purple Heart to launch a Jan, Ken, Hufu without leaving himself open for serious damage. A shadow darkened the sand around Purple Heart and the purple earth pony chose this time to vacate the immediate area in search of safer sand. A mere second later, the airborne pony impacted directly where Purple Heart had been not moments before. The crowd ‘awed’ in disappointment when Purple Heart escaped a rather flattened fate.

A grim look was etched into the purple earth pony’s rugged features as he considered his next course of action. It was now that he regretted not looking into any mid-range attacks. This was certainly a battle where close range combat could be the death of him. Sure, he was an adept barbarian and knew a great deal about hoof-to-hoof combat in this world, but a single pony against two hulking earth ponies? The odds were most certainly not in his favor.

The two surly stallions stalked straight towards the purple barbarian, their beady eyes gleaming at the prospect of bashing the purple equine’s skull in. Their marching morphed slowly into trotting, then into jogging, then into running, then into dead sprints. Their progress was frightening to behold as the two ponies charged forward. When they were halfway across the arena from their target, the pair brought their inside arms up and crooked them, as if in preparation for a punch.

It never came.

Purple Heart gagged as two thickly muscled forelegs made contact with his throat and chest, carrying him back towards the arena wall. The two stallions ceased their forward motion, but Purple Heart didn’t. Blood spewed past the purple earth pony’s lips as his back made a sickening crunch against the coliseum wall. His eyes wide with pain, Purple Heart gurgled, almost choking on his own blood before he slumped to the arena sand. Several seconds of stunned silence passed as the earth ponies and all of the ponies sitting in the house stared at the still form. Then all hell broke loose as the crowd roared their approval.

* * *

Light Patch stared at the limp form of his friend. “Wits, did he just… Did Purple Heart just lose?”

Wits End sat unblinking. “That didn’t happen,” he muttered, staring down at the crumpled purple form. “That did not just happen.”

“Oh no,” Twilight breathed, covering her mouth with her hooves.

Amber just sat their, unseeing. The only thing that she could see at all was the still form of the purple earth pony that she had come very close to calling friend. Now that possibility was gone. If he wasn’t dead, he soon would be. Being unconscious wasn’t much of a defense against the bloodthirsty crowd that frequented the coliseum and the golden unicorn was almost 100 percent certain that they would call for Purple Heart’s death.

Fluttershy and Rarity were stunned into silence as well. While they may have been at odds with Purple Heart and sometimes questioned his morals, he certainly didn’t deserve dying in such a barbaric fashion. Part of them wished that this was only a sick joke and that they would wake up safe and sound in their beds back in Ponyville. But they weren’t waking up.

All joy at seeing such sport had drained from Rainbow Dash’s face as she stared at the purple earth pony just lying there by the wall. This wasn’t a sport. Or even a competition. Two ridiculously powered earth ponies twice his size was too much, even for a pony as skilled in combat as Purple Heart. Applejack had come to the same conclusion and was as close to tears as Fluttershy was.

Pinkie had frozen in mid-bite when the stallions had gotten hold of Purple Heart. After they’d squeezed him and he’d fallen, her food fell to the ground, followed shortly by her hair. She sat there staring at her friend’s body as her eyes began shimmering with tears. Finally, she couldn’t take the sight anymore and buried her face into the back of Rainbow’s neck, her body shuddering with each sob.

Amber Glitter sniffled once before standing to make her way out of the box. Twilight looked up at the princess questioningly. “Where are you going?”

“It’s over,” Amber whispered, almost too softly for the rest of the ponies in the box to hear. “Purple Heart was sentenced to death in the arena, save he managed to win five consecutive battles. He’s dead now. It’s over.”

“It’s not over,” Wits End growled. “This isn’t over yet.”

“Yeah, it’s not over until the fat mare sings, and I haven’t heard her yet,” Light Patch said, wiping a few of his tears away. “He wouldn’t want us to quit now… So, whats the plan, Wits?”

“Plan?” Wits blinked. “Right, plan. Here’s what we do…”

* * *

Get up.

Get up you fool.

Coward.

You’re going to leave you friends alone like this? Pitiful. I’ve seen dogs with more courage.

Get up! Fight! GET UP!

Purple Heart sighed, his breath sending the sand by his lips twirled away in a spiral of wind. A frown creased the purple earth pony’s brow as he opened his eyes and saw dark red blood stark against the bright sand.

Pitiful, the voice sighed. Just pitiful. I can’t meet you if you don’t get up, coward.

"Yeah, well, I’m kinda hurting right now," Purple Heart snapped irritably. "So unless you have something important to say or maybe have some extra willpower to help haul my sorry arse off the sand, get out."

A sudden surge of energy pulsed through Purple Heart’s body, blossoming into a pool of vast power that settled in his chest. His breathing became easier and his injuries pained him less. They were still there, of that he was certain. But they wouldn’t stop him from accomplishing his task

You can’t die, the voice mused. Not yet. There are so many things to do. So many, many things. I can’t wait to finally meet you.

"Who are you?" Purple Heart asked as he felt his body lightening. In hindsight, he should have asked this question earlier.

Ah, I believe the better question would be ‘what am I’.

The voice left as quickly as it had come.

And Purple Heart stood.

Slowly.

He was moving with a great deal of pain, but regardless, he was still rising from the blood soaked sand.

The arena crowd fell deathly quiet as the purple earth pony stood on shaking legs. Any that were close enough could see the fire burning in Purple Heart’s cobalt blue eyes. The Brothers turned and frowned, certain that their quarry had died or at least had fallen unconscious. It was almost comical how their eyes bugged out when they saw Purple Heart standing near the arena wall. The coliseum was quiet as the combatants faced off once more.

Then the purple earth pony started walking.

Not quickly, mind you, he had just recovered from a particularly painful hug with a stone wall. But he was walking.

* * *

“And after that, we’ll-” Wits End paused, watching the purple stallion as he limped toward the two massive stallions congratulating themselves on the sand below. “Uh oh.”

“Uh oh?” Twilight asked. “What do you mean, ‘uh oh’? Your friend isn’t dead!”

“Yeah,” Wits answered, “That’s what the ‘uh oh’ is for.”

“What do you mean?” Rarity asked.

Wits looked back at the two mares. “Because there’s three reasons he can be up after something like that. Either those two ponies aren’t as tough as they look-”

“I don’t think that’s it,” Fluttershy mumbled.

“-Purple Heart is a zombie-”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “As if.”

“-Or,” Wits turned back to the arena, “somepony is about to have a very, very bad day.”

* * *

As Purple Heart walked towards the two stallions, idea after idea ricocheted around the purple barbarian’s skull. How could he disable two earth ponies twice his size? It had to be disable because there was no carping way he could one-shot them. While criticals seemed to be a mildly common occurrence here, he wasn’t certain that the DM would allow for such shenanigans. A snort escaped Purple Heart when he realized that most all of the shenanigans were the DM’s fault. He sighed and prayed to whatever deity of punching there was to give him enough strength to go fast enough to out-maneuver these two behemoths. Maybe even the one who had helped him get up.

Strength once more flooded into Purple Heart’s limbs and warmed his chest, bringing a smile to his bloodstained lips.

Well, he thought. If I’m gonna be a Shounen Jump Main Character, might as well make it look good. Purple Heart came to a stop a good dozen yards away from the two dumbstruck colts and tensed his legs in preparation to attack. The two ponies tensed as well and waited for the purple earth pony to make his move While they might have known the attack was coming, they certainly weren’t ready for it.

Purple Heart charged forward, reaching a speed that seemed ridiculous, but still somehow remained attainable. The two ponies reeled backward as one got hit by a flurry of strikes followed by Purple Heart leaping into the air to continue an attack that ended with the signature glow around one of Purple Heart’s hooves.

“Jan, ken...HUFU!”

The stallion that had remained unharmed over the course of the action stared as its comrade in horror, watching as the other slumped to the ground, its face a bloody, inflated mess. The huge pony shifted its gaze to the heaving Purple Heart. Purple Heart met its gaze and glared at it, paralyzing it with a hostile glare.

“Just try it,” the purple barbarian wheezed. “One errant twitch and your chops will be exploded. Chop suey alla colt.” The pony didn’t need to be told twice. It knelt beside its brother and raised its forelegs to its head in submission. Purple Heart nodded once in acceptance of the surrender and jerked around, trotting resolutely towards the gate he had entered through. Silence followed the purple earth pony as he trotted through the gate. Then an eruption of sound shook the coliseum as the crowd began chanting their approval.

Purple Barbarian!

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 37: Infirm Theories

The Mane Six, Amber Glitter, and the two stallions streamed out of the royal box, rushing toward the gladiator’s hall. They twisted and turned, dodging buzzing spectators, conscession servers, and other gladiators before they finally reached the wing of the Coliseum for the gladiators.

“Where’s Purple Heart?” Amber asked, skidding to a halt as they approached Melee Glorious. The old gladiator gestured with a hoof down a hallway.

“That way,” he directed. “First door on the right. It’s full of gladiators congratulating the young buck. He did a solid job out there. For a newb.”

The group began trotting in the direction Melee had pointed. However, as they neared the infirmary, a familiar voice sounded from behind them.

“Your friend is quite the skilled fighter,” Holdfast said, smiling at the surprised mares.

“Oh, Chancellor Holdfast,” Applejack greeted cordially. “Thank ya again for givin’ us directions to Princess Amber. An’ yes, he is.”

Holdfast’s smile grew wider. “I was hoping to speak with one of you about the fighting style he used. I’ve never seen anypony fight quite like that.” He looked pointedly at each of the group, his eyes resting on Wits End slightly longer.

Wits End’s eyebrows knitted. He turned to face the group with a smile. “I’ll take care of this. You guys go check on Purple Heart.”

“Okay, I’ll leave some wounds for you to poke,” Light Patch said, trotting away. Amber merely inclined her head before herding the Mane Six into the infirmary, shoving at several of the gladiators already there in the process.

With a nod of his head, Holdfast dismissed Melee and the other gladiators. “I’m surprised,” he said, pacing over a small area.

“How so?” Wits asked, staying exactly where he was.

“When I first saw you, I was sure that threatening your friends would inspire you to finish your task as quickly as possible.” Holdfast looked over his shoulder at the mint-colored unicorn. “Instead, I find you befriending the very pony you’ll have to… deal with.”

Wits felt his jaw tightening, but forced himself to remain calm, putting a smug smirk on his face. “If all you wanted was a simple assassination, you wouldn’t have waited to blackmail me,” he said plainly, matching the snow-colored stallion’s gaze.

“You have me figured out so quickly?” Holdfast asked, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“I have some experience with plots like this.” Wits End took a seat on one of the benches scattered about the room, ignoring the fact that his experience was entirely in video games. “Even if I had stabbed Amber in the back in that box, it wouldn’t do what you wanted.”

While his smile remained, the humor was gone from Holdfast’s eyes. “Do tell.”

Wits crossed his back legs. “If there’s any hint of foul play around Amber’s death,” he thought for a moment, “or disappearance, for that matter, it’ll arouse suspicion from the king and his court.” His eyebrows narrowed as he watched Holdfast’s face. “Suspicion makes it harder for someone outside of the royal family to take the throne. Sound familiar so far?”

“You’re telling a very interesting story so far,” Holdfast replied.

“You don’t just want Amber dead,” Wits continued. “You want her destroyed, remember? You want to make sure she can’t be in your way, dead or alive. That takes time. And work.”

Holdfast’s eyes hardened. “And how do you plan to do that?”

Wits waved a hoof dismissively. “You don’t really want to know that. You want deniability, in case something managed to go wrong.”

“Humph.” Holdfast looked down his muzzle at the unicorn. “Maybe you’re not as thoughtless as I thought.”

“Thanks for the confidence.” Wits End stood back up, stretching his back. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to make sure my friend isn’t going to die any time soon.”

Holdfast narrowed his eyes. “You should take care to remember who’s in control.”

Wits looked back, staring back at the snow-white stallion. “And you should take care not to come near me or my friends ever again.”

Holdfast chuckled. “Or what?”

Wits’ mouth worked silently. He’d forgotten to think about the followup to that threat. “Well, I’ll…”

“That’s what I thought.” Holdfast walked past the mint-colored pony, stopping when the two were shoulder-to-shoulder. “You’re too good of a pony to make threats like that.” He chuckled, walking back out of the arena. “I wish you the best of luck.”

Wits End stood in the silence, feeling his jaw clench and unclench. Forcing himself to calm down, he put a relaxed smile on and walked into the infirmary.

The Mane Six, Amber Glitter, and Light Patch were all clustered around one of the infirmary beds when Wits End entered the room, elbowing past the departing gladiators. Rainbow Dash fluttered over the bedridden form of Purple Heart and chuckled in amusement.

“Boy,” the blue pegasus chortled, “that big lug was lucky you didn’t go after it.”

“Humph,” Purple Heart snorted. “In my experience there’s no such thing as luck. And I wouldn’t have been able to push a foal over, much less a 500 pound earth pony.” Twilight stared at the reclining earth pony, her brow furrowed.

“So,” she paused, “you were bluffing.” A pained chuckle drifted from Purple Heart’s lips and soon the purple barbarian was coughing.

“Twilight,” he hacked, “I was bluffing so hard I felt like a bureaucratic ponce. That should be an indication of how much hurt I am in.”

“Someone mention a ponce?” Wits End asked from the doorway. He stopped, staring at the wounded Earth Pony. “Holy crap, you got uglier!”

Purple Heart frowned and attempted to raise his hoof to bop the pinto in the nose but couldn’t even get it out from under the covers. “Yeah, well, having two colossus sized ponies rearranging your face will do that. I just hope the heals help. I can’t feel my face. That aside, those two behemoths were terrifying. ‘Rookie Ranked’ my arse. More like heavy weight boxer ranked.”

“Where does it hurt?” Amber Glitter asked softly. Purple Heart’s gaze shifted to the golden unicorn. One of his eyes twitched.

“My everything,” the purple earth pony growled, “with a side of ridiculous bruising. Hold the internal bleeding please.”

“Owch,” Applejack murmured. One of the infirmary attendants trotted over and pulled out a metal probe.

“I need to run a few short tests on you before we clear you for further care,” the unicorn nurse chirped.

“Could you walk instead of run?” Purple Heart asked through a clenched jaw. “I dun think I can take running.” The unicorn smiled gently and began poking.

“On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?”

“Astronomical.” Several of the ponies present winced. “My bruises have bruises.”

Poke. “Does that hurt?”

“No.”

The nurse frowned and poked a little harder.

“How about now?”

“Nope. Are you even doing anything?”

The nurse unicorn brought her horn close to the purple earth pony and let a mist of magic drift across Purple Heart’s face. Within seconds, Purple Heart was snoring softly. The nurse turned to the purple barbarian’s companions and gestured for them to move away from the bed.

“Is something wrong?” Twilight asked.

The nurse shrugged. “Yes and no. We usually see this with ponies who lose in the arena, not the ones that win. His brain is reacting to the extreme levels of pain that he’s feeling by shutting those senses out. It keeps him from being overwhelmed and paralyzed.”

“But how come he kept saying he was hurting?” Amber piped up. The nurse walked back over to Purple Heart and gestured with a hoof.

“If he just went completely numb, it could cause more damage. In his state now, if he couldn’t feel any pain at all, he might tear a muscle, or cut himself and not recognize it. So, his brain is remaining aware of the sensation of pain without letting his conscious mind be aware of the intensity.” The nurse smiled. “In other words, his body is screaming at him, and his brain is taking those complaints and writing them on a note to pass on later. Once he’s recovered, he’ll definitely feel what happened to him.”

“Ah,” the mares hummed.

The nurse looked up at them, a questioning expression on her face.

“One of you wouldn’t happen to be an authorized Cleric, would you?”

“I’m a cleric,” Light Patch said stepping forward, “My name is B.J. Ponicutt, and this,” he gestured to Wits End, “is my partner and philosophical focus, Ferret Face.”

Without looking, Wits End smacked the back of Light Patch’s head. “If anypony, I’m Winnychester III, M.D.”

After a moment under the nurse’s glare, Light Patch relented. “Alright, Okay! The name’s Light Patch. But I am a cleric.” The nurse sighed and shook her head.

“It seems only magical healing will alter his injuries,” she explained. “I’m certain that any remedies and poultices we have at our disposal will be poorly insufficient with the kind of damage that’s been inflicted on him.”

“You heard her,” Applejack said, gesturing toward the purple pony. “Do that Cleric stuff.”

“You got it Appledoc.” Light Patch walked over and sat down next to his friends bed. He rubbed his fore hooves together for a couple of seconds. “Clear!” he shouted, surprising the nurse who was unused to the grey pegasus’ antics. With a small buzzing noise coming from his mouth, he slapped his hooves down and used his healing magic. A flash of white ran through the barbarian pony as the healing magic worked through him. Purple Heart jerked awake, his eyes wide at the shock. The nurse trotted over and moved her mask out of the way as she looked into the purple earth pony’s blue eyes. She lifted the probe once more and poked him.

“Did you feel that?”

“Feel what?” Purple Heart squeaked. “Everything REALLY hurts!” The nurse smiled and turned to the dumbstruck Mane Six and Amber Glitter.

“See? I told you he’d feel it. He should be fine now,” she declared. “He needs to stay in bed for a few days though.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Purple Heart hissed, laying back down on the pillows. “I am hurting so bad it isn’t even funny. I have no intentions of leaving this bed.” He blinked before amending his statement. “Except for toilet things.”

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie giggled. Purple Heart glared at the two mares.

“What did I just say?!” the bedridden earth pony snapped. “No funny!”

“You should know better than that,” Wits said, taking a seat at the end of the infirmary bed. “Still, you managed to win the fight. As long as you can keep this up, you’ll be free in time to pick up your insurance policy.”

Purple Heart rolled eyes. It was the only thing he could do without invoking pain. “Welp, I hope you nine manage to find some good dirt on Bastion. Cuz I can’t do squat until I get my freedom. So, what’d you all find so far?”

Rainbow Dash straightened up, smirking self-importantly. “Well, we found exactly the dirt we need after talking with the Princess. The… uh. The two places. Falala and Gila Monster.”

“Phloren an’ Ghuildur,” Applejack corrected. “With a ‘h’.” Purple Heart began to cough. While most of the ponies present ignored him, two colts in particular, an alicorn, and a unicorn could have sworn he was laughing.

“Yeah,” the rainbow-maned mare shrugged, “them. They wanna fight over something or other.”

Fluttershy raised a hoof. “Actually, they’ve been in discussions for a couple of months. There have been border disputes, and they’ve both been threatening to, um, go to war if something goes wrong.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Rainbow Dash nodded. “That’s what I said.”

Purple Heart narrowed his eyes as he digested the explanation. “Was a princess involved? Somepony by the name of Buttercup?”

Applejack looked around at the assembled ponies. “No… Ah mean, that’s what th’ poor, lost circus performers we talked to said.”

Any possible reaction Purple Heart could’ve done if he weren’t in a ridiculous amount of pain was reduced to him merely arching an eyebrow. Even that caused the purple earth pony to grimace. “Huh. So what does this have to do with Bastion? He shouldn’t care what happens unless they’re both his allies.”

“They are,” Amber piped up, her brow furrowed. “I’m actually concerned about whose side he’ll pick.”

“He might take the third option,” Wits said with a frown.

Rarity’s mouth curled up in a smile. “Oh darling, are you going to tell us what you had to seduce out of that information broker?”

Wits’ face went blank. “I didn’t seduce him,” he said flatly.

“Really? The hole punched in that card says otherwise.”

The sound that came out of Wits’ mouth was halfway between a choke and shush. “ANYWAY.” He cleared his throat, avoiding eye contact with the smirking fashionista. “It looks like King Bastion’s been acting as a negotiator between both kingdoms. If the info is good, then talks are going south fast.”

“Charming,” Purple Heart mused. “A double-dipper. Continue.”

Rarity flipped her mane. “That’s all we could get. After that, our mister Wits had to excuse us before things got too personal.”

Wits End narrowed his eyes at the marshmallow-colored mare. “In any case,” he continued, “there’s not a whole lot that gives us. It’s not enough reason to trouble unless…”

“Unless Roania has claims on provinces owned by Phloren and Ghuildur,” Twilight finished. “Which they do.”

Purple Heart turned his head slowly to smile weakly at Wits End. “Bet you’re happy you had those hundreds of hours in Coltsader Kings 2, huh?”

“It makes scheming a lot easier,” Wits said with a nod. “How’d those provinces get lost?”

Twilight closed her eyes for a moment as she called up what she had read. “Phloren and Ghuildur use to be in a union. Between the two of them, they pressured the last king of Roania to give up the provinces. The union was split when the royal line ended, but they still hold control over the provinces. Wait...” Her eyes opened, her ears perking up. “At that point, the king would’ve been Bastion’s father!”

“So, Bastion is looking to reclaim the birthright that daddy dearest had to give up?” Light Patch guessed, rubbing his chin.

“And by getting involved in the peace talks,” Wits said, continuing from Light Patch’s thought, “Bastion can set off a war between Phloren and Ghuildur, then step in as a sort of peacekeeper and take back that territory.”

“But what good would killing off his sibling do him?” Purple Heart asked, glancing around at the other healer ponies in the infirmary. “If he already has the throne by being the one to succeed his father, killing his sister serves no purpose other than ensuring he doesn’t get stabbed in the back.”

“Well, it could be as simple as making sure the way stays clear,” Light Patch chimed in. “After all, dead ponies don’t claim thrones… or he found out that she was plotting to off him, so he acted first. Or he never did.” Light Patch trailed off.

“Maybe Twilight’s right,” Pinkie interjected. “What if King Bubble Bath didn’t have anything to do with Valley General? Maybe it was somepony else? Like Hold-the-Phone? Or Boom Bang Pow? Or Minty Fresh?”

“What was that last one?” Wits End asked.

Amber rolled her eyes. “I don’t know much about Vale Blossom, but Bastion could have gone after her because she found out he wanted the provinces and fiefs that are his by right. I don’t think he would’ve cared how he got those lands.”

Twilight inclined her head in agreement. “We’ll keep that in mind. Regardless, I think we need more information on all fronts. Why don’t we reconvene after Purple Heart’s next bout?”

“Fine by me,” Purple Heart chimed as the rest of the Mane Six nodded in agreement. “I’m gonna need maybe a few days before I go back in the arena looking for more pain. I’d rather hurt one bout at a time, thank you very much.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Light Patch said, lightly slapping the purple barbarian with his hoof and a healing spell. “There’s one for the road.”

“Try to not fail so much next time, too,” Wits End said as the group left.

Purple Heart harrumphed and growled under his breath. “I’ll try not to. Gits.” Amber smiled and ran a hoof over the purple barbarian’s mane. Purple Heart froze at the contact. The golden unicorn brought her face closer to the still purple barbarian.

“Get well soon,” Amber whispered before kissing the stunned earth pony on the cheek. She left him then, walking through the infirmary door. Purple Heart stared after her, his cobalt eyes wide with shock.

“Whadacarp just happened?” From beyond the doorway, the sounds of a particular mint-colored stallion shouting the words ‘Kiss, Kiss, Fall in Love’ echoed in the hallway.

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 38: Hey gang, let’s split up! Again!

“I’d really hate to say it, but, well,” Light Patch paused, looking at the other ponies around the table, “our evidence is almost as thin as the paper some of it’s on.”

Wits End sighed, head laying on the table. “That’s the problem with claims,” he muttered. “Finding rumors is easy. Finding proof is hard.”

“So what do we do?” Twilight asked.

“Find more?” Rainbow asked tentatively. “What? I’ve read a couple of mysteries,” she explained at the looks she received from some of the other ponies.

“That wasn’t really the question, Rainbow Dash. The question is; what parts of the rumors do we look into?” Rarity paused for dramatic timing. “The alleged claims, or the preparing for war?”

Wits blew a tuft of his mane away from his eyes. “We need to prove both are real things,” he said, picking himself up off the table. He held up one hoof. “The claims mean nothing unless they’re pressed,” he lifted the other, as if weighing two objects, “and the preparations aren’t useful unless we can link them directly to Bastion.”

“Let’s split up gang!” Light Patch chimed in.

Wits raised an eyebrow. “You’re the last one I’d expect to say that.”

“It’s this group’s answer to everything,” Light Patch said, resting his head on a hoof. “Honestly, with the amount of time we spend split up, we barely qualify to call ourselves a group,” he muttered.

“Well, you’re not wrong. We can split between the claims and the warmongering.” Wits tapped the table with one hoof as he thought. “For the claims, we’d need proof of their historical validity.” He frowned. “And we’d have to take the nobles’ collective temperature on whether those claims still hold or not. Without the support of the nobility, Bastion would look like a tyrant declaring war.”

Twilight’s ears perked up. “I saw that the castle has a library last night,” she offered. “We can check the records there. If it really is Bastion’s father who lost the provinces, it’ll be recorded there.”

“Sounds like a decent plan,” the grey pegasus said, “I can go sniff around the warmongering charges. See if any local smith’s have gotten larger orders, or if food merchants have seen a city get more than its fair share of food. The local farmers might also know something. Maybe even hit some hangouts favored by guards, army or local militia for more information.”

Rarity looked at Wits and Twilight with a keen eye. “Well, you’ll need my help if you’re going to talk to the nobles.” She flipped her mane as she stood. “I know a thing or two about the ins and outs of high society.” Her eyes narrowed. “It would help to keep the rest of us from joining Purple Heart in the arena.”

“Ah guess Ah’ll be goin’ with Light Patch,” Applejack threw in, “Ah know the right questions to ask to get the farmers talkin’, and Ah might be able to help with the smiths too.”

“Ooh!” Pinkie leapt from her seat, bouncing around Light Patch excitedly. “I can help! I can help! I can get the guards to talk to us! Ponies always tell me stuff once I throw them a Super Special Teenie Tiny Pinkie Party! Why, this one time I-”

“That’s great!” Wits said shortly, cutting the pink party pony off before it was too late. He turned to Rainbow Dash. “You should probably go with them too.”

“What? Why me?” The rainbow-colored mare’s wings flared angrily. “You don’t think I can handle… whatever you guys are gonna be doing?”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “It’ll be talking to a bunch of old ponies and reading old history books.”

“...I’m going with Light Patch’s group.”

Fluttershy shifted in her seat. “Well, um, I guess I’ll stay here in case any pony needs-”

“Actually,” Wits interrupted, “I’d like you to come with me. I’ll need your help with…” He thought for a moment, gesturing with his head in what was probably some sort of meaningful way. “Things.”

“What,” Rarity raised an eyebrow, “do you think the mice might have some key information?”

“...Yeah, let’s go with that.” Wits End stood, looking over the two groups. “Alright, let’s go do that information gathering thing. Don’t get in trouble, try not to die, and when in doubt, go left.”

“Got it,” the pegasus stallion, “and right back at you. Good luck with your… things, as well,” he finished, leading his group out.

* * *

“It’s a dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the twelfth floor of the Pony building, one stallion is still trying to fin-”

“What are you doing?” Rainbow asked, cutting Light Patch off in the middle of his sentence.

“I was making a reference to a detective I like. Nevermind,” The stallion responded, looking around. “Looks like we’re here at the farmer’s market. I figure this is where we’re gonna find most of the farmer’s in the city, along with plenty of the food merchants.”

“Hey, tell me again why we’re asking about food when we’re supposed to be looking for an army?” Rainbow said, glancing around and taking in the many wonderful scents wafting through the market’s air.

“To field an army, you need three things. Bodies, which can reasonably be kept hidden by having an army camp some distance away from a town or off a major road. Equipment, most of which they will already have themselves, or the ability to make on their own. And the final one which is food.” The stallion glanced at Rainbow Dash with a smirk. “I’m sure you can guess as to why they’d need that,” he quipped.

“And what the hay’s that supposed to mean?” Rainbow shot back along with a glare.

Pinkie bounced over and pulled the rainbow maned pegasus down. “Your kind of drooling a bit, Dashie,” Pinkie whispered, causing Rainbow to flush and quickly wipe away the evidence.

“It’d be hard to move sufficient quantities of food for an army and not keep it a secret if you’re using merchant roads. Which you’d wanna, because those would be faster than trying to haul it cross country,” Light Patch continued, trying to keep a straight face.

“So if’n we follow the food, we find the army,” Applejack said, finishing Light Patch’s thought. “So, where’re we going to start?”

“Much as I’d hate to say it, we should probably split up further. If we go one at a time, we won’t be able to talk to even a quarter of them.” Rainbow Dash quickly floated off with a small wave, and Applejack ambled off soon afterwards. Pinkie paused for a moment to pat Light Patch on his back quickly before bouncing away into the crowd. Light Patch watched to see what sections of the market the mares were working through before starting to work his way through to the area they’d left mostly uncovered.

“Ah hah, your armor gives you away, Lord Bandit of the food tables,” a deep voice said, surprising the pegasus stallion in thought. “Looking to expand the kingdom?” The pink and brown maned pegasus whirled around to find himself facing a familiar looking noble.

“You have caught me in the act too late, Just Duty. This farmers market is mine, and soon my vegetable army shall rise and you shall find only defeat at the florets of highly nutritious broccoli spearmen,” Light Patch said before beginning to laugh evilly, causing many ponies to stop and stare at him, or at least give a wide berth when passing him; especially the colts and fillies who had been eying the vegetables with disdain then, and fear now.

“Then I shall just have to eat my way to victory,” the older stallion retorted, falling into the act as well.

“Drat, the one weakness of my army: cooking renders them vulnerable to a pony’s teeth and stomach.” The grey pegasus growled. “Curses, I have been tinfoiled again!” Both of the ponies politely ignored the nearby fillies and colts begging their parents to buy a few extra vegetables as they stepped to the outskirts of the market to stay out of the way.

“I must admit, that was fun. I doubt you’re in the farmers market for theatrical reasons,” the blue grey noble said once they’d found a relatively quiet spot. “Do you mind me asking your reasoning for being here?”

“Only if I get to ask the same thing. I’m probably just as surprised to see you are you are me.” Light Patch sat down in a spot of shade. The question is: do I let on about us looking to overthrow the king or not? While he probably wouldn’t support the war, he did sound like a bit strong into the lawful good. And overthrowing the king isn’t exactly lawful... Light Patch sighed as he made up his mind. “My friends and I were looking into something for a merchant friend of ours. She was looking into provisions, but was too busy to come look right now.”

“Ah hah, looking for stuff to do to fill the time until your friend has won his freedom from the arena.” The older pony nodded. “If you and your friends need, I’m sure I can scrounge up some other work. As an old paladin, I know what it is like being stuck in a town as others in your party are...” he paused trying to find the correct wording, “at odds with the town’s law.” Light Patch fought hard to not sigh and/or facehoof.

Of course he’s a paladin. As if I didn’t already feel bad about having lied to him. I don’t want to risk that he’ll expose us to Bastion though, the pegasus thought, looking around. “I appreciate the offer, and I promise I’ll keep it in mind, but so far we’ve been able to keep ourselves busy. So, what are you doing around in the town? I figured you’d be doing law stuff back at the castle or whatever you nobles do.” The old paladin snorted in amusement.

“The point is to do as little as possible for most nobles; and I will be doing my part in the courts later. As for why I was in town, I was hoping to get some old keepsakes from my adventuring days maintained by a blacksmith.” He snorted in anger. “Unfortunately, all of the smiths in the town appear to be busy with some royal project, and don’t have the time right now to spare for a noble as low in the pecking order as me.” Light Patch ignored the fact that his ears perked up at the information.

“A royal order, huh? Any idea what the king’s got them up to?”

“I lack that information, I am afraid. The first couple of smiths weren’t willing to allow me to view the royal work order, and after that I got too impatient and moved on to the next smith. And, after I gave up, I decided to take a slow winding walk back to the castle to enjoy the day and calm down some.” The older stallion lapsed into silence as he turned over a few thoughts in his head. “I’ve been thinking about the question you proposed back at the party, considering that I was unable to answer it when you first posed it. I think I have-” The stallion glanced up towards the sky, before grunting.

“I think I shall have to be leaving it unanswered for another day. I appear to have wasted more time in town then I meant to, and I have some things I need to do before I begin at the law courts later. Hopefully we shall have a chance to continue this conversation later.” With a quick nod, Just Duty turned and swiftly made his way through the streets towards the castle. Light Patch watched until the old paladin disappeared in the hustle and bustle. The pegasus stood up and turned to re-enter the market only for pink to suddenly become the world.

“Whatcha watchin?” Pinkie asked, taking a step back, allowing the pegasus stallion to make out her face. “What was that weird little bunch of twitches you did there? Was it a new dance?” Before anypony could begin to respond, she inhaled a deep breath. “Was it Patchy Sense? Do you have Patchy Sense like I have Pinkie Sense? Do you waltz with the Nightmare in the pale moonlight?” Before she could continue onwards, Applejack clamped her muzzle shut.

“Slow down there a second Pinkie,” the farm mare said. “You gotta give him a chance to answer the questions in smaller chunks.”

“A pony I know, surprise slash fear spasms, no I don’t have Patchy Sense. And finally yes but only on the new moons.” The stallion listed off.

“You managed to follow her questions?” Rainbow Dash asked, trying to hide that she was kind of impressed. “How'd you manage that?”

“Probably the years of fast paced rock and other music along with all of the cartoon characters who’d do the same thing.” Light Patch said giving a small wave of his hoof at the looks of confusion on the mares faces. “I’ll splain later, what did you mares manage to learn?”

“Well, several of the farmers mentioned to me that the royal caravans were buyin’ up more food than they normally used to,” the cowmare mentioned. “An’ at a premium too. Not enough to make most of them too suspicious but enough for them to notice”

“Yeah, and a couple of merchants mentioned to me that there were some ponies in towns near the borders’ that were paying uncommonly well for food,” Pinkie threw in.

“And a pegasus merchant told me that he passed over a decent sized camp in a forest near a town, if he was judging the number of campfires correctly,” Rainbow finished, “What about you, did you manage to get any more information?” The pegasus asked biting into a couple of fruit she'd gotten while asking around.

“I didn’t get around to asking around the farmer’s market for information.” He held up a hoof to forestall any responses from the mares. “Because I ran into a pony I met at the ball, and during our chat, he gave me some information on something to check up on.” Light Patch finished.

“So now whut?” Applejack asked looking at her friends.

“I think now we should go find a good place to ask around the town guard and militia for their orders. And once we find that I can go look into the validity of the information I was informed of, while you three see what information you can get from troops.” the other three nodded and after some quick asking around about militia and guard hangouts they quickly began on their way. After a few moments of silent walking to their next destination Pinkie spoke up.

“So… what's a cart-ooooon?”

“And for that matter, how can a rock be music?” Rainbow threw in. Light Patch sighed and started trying to explain.

* * *

“Nothing!” Wits tossed a book over his shoulder. “No information! Useless, empty books!”

“Watch it!” Twilight called, catching the books with her magic before they could hit the ground. “For all we know, denting book corners is punishable by cutting off your nose in this crazy place.”

Rarity peeked over her own pile of books. “That seems a bit extreme, Twilight dear.”

“It’s that extremeness that got Purple Heart in trouble in the first place,” Twilight grumbled. “Honestly, this whole thing seems weird.”

“Which part?” Wits asked, setting another book aside.

Twilight made a wide-sweeping gesture. “All of this! The whole city! What kind of place send ponies to the dungeon just for insulting somepony? Has no-pony ever thought about why any of this is going on?”

Wits sighed. “It’s a game run by Discord, Twilight. I’ve given up on trying to figure out why things are happening at this point.”

“That’s my point!” Twilight stomped her hoof irritably. “Doesn’t this seem like it’s had a lot more thought put into it than Discord would do?”

Rarity tilted her head. “How do you mean?”

“All of the work put into the world and history, the depth of the characters, just how huge this world is…” Twilight shook her head. “I can’t imaging somepony like Discord putting so much effort into this.”

Wits End thought for a moment. “Maybe he grabbed it from somewhere else…” he muttered.

Twilight turned to him. “What do you mean?”

“N-nothing,” Wits corrected. “Just… thinking outloud. Random, wild speculation.” He grabbed another book, burying his nose in it. But if Discord did steal ideas from our world, he thought, it’d explain some of the unexpected darkness.

Twilight frowned. “Fluttershy?” she said, turning to the yellow pegasus. “Did Discord talk to you at all before this started?”

Fluttershy jumped with a squeak. “Um… No, he didn’t mention anything to me during our tea parties. The first I heard about this was when we were all together…”

The four ponies fell silent, each one turning their attention to their own pile of books. Finally, Rarity leapt to her hooves. “I’VE GOT IT!” she shrieked, shocking the other three ponies and causing books to topple over.

“What?” Wits exclaimed, picking himself out of his collapsed pile of books. “Got what? Who’s on first?”

“The claim, deary,” Rarity said smugly. “Look at this book.”

Twilight trotted over, tilting her head to read the title. “‘History of the Gallopilli Royal Families, by the Great and Pow-’”

“Right here,” Rarity pointed a hoof at the page, a smile on her face. “This piece here is all the proof we need of the claim.”

Wits End leaned in, eyes scanning the page. “...In the year blah blah blah... King Behmoth of Roania surrendered the lowland provinces of blah blah blah… to the United Kingdoms of Phloren-Ghuilder! This is it!”

“This is proof of Roania’s claims on Phloren and Ghuilder,” Twilight corrected. “We still need to prove that Bastion’s trying to use them, though.”

“That’s step two,” Wits said, a smile on his face. “We gotta talk to the nobles, see what they think about its validity. If the nobles support it, we’ll have a connection.” He frowned. “Unless Patchy can’t find anything on the warmongering…”

Rarity stood and stretched, fluffing her mane. “Not to worry, darlings. I’m sure I can get those nobles to tell us if King Bastion has convinced them. If that King is behind this, we’ll still have some proof.”

“Then let’s get going,” Twilight said, glad to take on some form of leader role. “The sooner we get this figured out, the sooner we can get out of this game.”

As the ponies started filing out of the library, Wits End lagged back to walk next to Fluttershy. “I need your help,” he whispered, leaning in.

Fluttershy swallowed nervously. “Is it about what Holdfast-”

“Careful.” Wits nodded his head toward Twilight and Rarity, his expression serious. “It’s time for the next step of my plan. I need you to take a message.” He produced a piece of paper from his cloak, passing it over to the pegasus.

Fluttershy nodded, steeling herself. She tucked the paper into her saddlebag. “To whom?”

Chapter 39: Most Suspicious!

“Alright. In an effort to save a little time, I’ll poke around different forges and see what I can gather about this alleged royal project,” Light Patch said, looking at the three mares with him. “You three can head on over to the Ash Champron to see if any local royal forces have lips loose enough to sink ships.” Pinkie giggled as Applejack and Rainbow Dash glanced at each other.

“Uh, sure. good luck with your bit,” Applejack responded, watching as the stallion walked towards a forge.

“That's just silly,” Pinkie said, bouncing ahead of her two friends. “Lips loose enough to sink ships!” She gave another burst of laughter. “How would that even work?” She faked a gasp, pointing in front of her before continuing in a deeper voice. “By Luna’s bedazzled hair! Our ship has a hole! Quick, somepony use your lips to patch the hole! No, not you Gossip; your lips are too loose!” She broke into a fit of giggles, finally overwhelmed by the images playing through her head.

“Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel like half the stuff Light Patch and his friends say sound’s like they come from another world?” Rainbow asked, hovering next to Applejack.

“Well, they have noted they come from outside of Equestria.” She rubbed the side of her head. “Least, that’s what I remember being implied by how they’ve answered.”

“You don’t think they come from space, do you? That's outside of Equestria,” Pinkie said, appearing between the two mares.

“Nah. If they were aliens, they’d have slipped up and revealed it by now. Maybe they come from the griffon kingdoms?” the rainbow maned pegasus ventured. “It could explain their knowledge of war.”

“They might be from Mina-Tos,” Pinkie mentioned. “I’ve heard from Fluttershy, who heard from Iron Will, that it can be dangerous outside of the Minotaur’s city-states’ influence.”

“We can speculate more later, girls. Right now, we’ve got some rumor’s to sniff out,” Rainbow said, pointing towards the door of the Ash Champron. “Oh, this is going to be just like that one bit in Daring Do and the Cabal of Cresthill, when she’s trying to find information as to where the villain’s secret lair is,” Rainbow whispered excitedly as she followed the others in.

The three mares sat down at a table in the back and ordered their usual ciders before glancing around. “So, either of ya’ll got a plan as to how we might gain the information we came here for?” Applejack finally asked, breaking the silence.

“We could throw a share your secret orders party,” Pinkie volunteered.

“Ah’m not sure that’d work, Pinkie. But, then again, Ah’ve seen stranger. But we should probably try something else first,” Applejack noted.

“How about we split up then?” the party mare asked.

“Seriously Pinkie?” Rainbow Rolled her eyes. “No, what we need to do use use our feminine charm like Daring Do did in-”

“That sounds more like something Rarity would be better at,” Applejack flatly responded with. “How about we just go over to that stallion’s table and ask him? In, uhh...” She paused trying to find the right words.

“Secret?” Pinkie hazarded. “Underhoofed? Classified? Esoteric?” Applejack shook her head. “What about ambiguous? Or maybe undisclosed? Oooh!” Pinkie squealed pointing a hoof at the thesaurus she was suddenly holding. “Here’s a good one; how about enigmatical? No? Okay, then what about veiled? Or shrouded? Or what about cryptic?”

“Roundabout. In a roundabout way,” Applejack finished.

“Right,” Pinkie said, throwing a small salute before rushing over to the stallion’s table, leaving Applejack and Rainbow in the dust. “There aren’t any empty tables, so can my friends and I sit with you?” she asked, plopping down next to the stallion, causing him to jump in surprise and wheel his head around to look at the mare. He glanced back at the table he’d watched the three sit down at after they’d first come in.

“But don’t you hav-” he began.

“It’s taken!” the pink mare shot back, her friends getting over their shock to join her. The stallion glanced over at several of the other empty tables. “They’re all taken too.” He opened his mouth. “Reserved,” she said, cutting him off without breaking eye contact.

“It’s best you just give up. I know my friend. she’s a hard mare to beat in a game like this.” The stallion glanced between Pinkie and Rainbow Dash. “Trust me, she can keep it up all day. Right, Applejack?”

The farm pony grimaced as she remembered the one time she’d been the focus of Pinkie’s weapon grade chattering. “Trust me, partner, this is a battle that ain’t worth fightin’.”

The stallion sighed; as a pony in the militia, he’d at least learned to know when he was beat. “Yeah, sure, you can share my table.” He glanced at the three mares again. Well, at least they aren’t ugly, he thought to himself. And who knows? Maybe they’re mares worth fighting for. He scooted aside as Applejack sat down next to him.

Time to see how much Ah might remember from my time with Aunt and Uncle Orange, Applejack thought. “My name’s Applejack, and these two are my friends; Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie,” the farm pony said, pointing to each of her friends in turn. “And what’s your name?”

“I’m Bronze Flanchard,” he said, smiling at Applejack. “If you don’t mind me asking, what are three beautiful mares doing in here? It’s mostly the army and militia, and the rest are from the royal guard or castle servants. It’s really uncommon to see townsponies in here.”

“Well, uh,” Applejack began, not sure how to phrase her question. Before she could, however, Rainbow Dash leaned over onto the Bronze colored earth pony.

“We’ve heard this little rumor floating around that’s thrown us and other friends of ours into a little bit of a tizzy,” she said in the most feminine voice she could muster. “You see, we’ve heard that apparently the militia and guard have been called to action somewhere, and we’re all worried about what we’re to do without all you brave and handsome stallions to prot-” The voice had finally caught up to Rainbow as she broke into a small coughing fit.

“Like she’d said, we’d heard that the militia and guard had been called up to go somewhere.” Applejack quickly picked up, diverting the militia pony from the blue pegasus. “Us and several of our shopkeeper friends are concerned that all of the city's protection is being taken away for no good reason.”

Ah hah. Shopkeepers looking out for their bottom lines, Bronze Flanchard mentally noted. Still though, at least they're nice about this. “Well,” he said quietly leaning inwards, “I can’t say too much. Yes, the militia has been called to serve. And some of the castle guard is also being moved. But the town guard and most of the castle guard is being left in place,” He finished. Before he could say anymore, a unicorn in slightly fancier armor entered.

“Okay militia, it’s time to get back to the barracks,” the unicorn said.

“Well, I’d hate to leave you mares, but duty calls. I’ll look you up when I get back, though,” he said, downing the last of his drink before dropping some coins and following the other militia out.

The three mares continued to ply the other ponies in the tavern for a bit longer, but only getting minor variants of what they’d already heard in return. The three had once again retreated to their original table to go over what they’d found, when they all glanced up at the door opening to see Light Patch clumsily enter. He glanced around and quickly spotted the mares. With a slightly hasty and clumsy gait, he managed to get to their table and plop down in a seat.

“You okay, Patch Work?” Pinkie asked. “You looked like you were walking around on stilts or something.”

“I uh… I got shoed,” Light Patch said, looking down at his hooves. He noticed in his peripheral vision the looks of confusion on the girls. Huh, wow, I can see so much in my peripheral vision now. It must be the much larger eyes. It’s amazing how much this is improved, kind of like my hearing with my ears and- He cut himself off before that thought could get to its disastrous end. “I was talking to a farrier about the royal project, and he asked me if I was in to get shoes put on. I figured since he’d already confirmed he was doing stuff for the royal project, he wouldn’t have time.” Light Patch sighed again and lifted his front hooves up so the mares could see the horseshoes on them. “Turns out he had time to fit me in really quick, and I couldn’t refuse without looking shadey. So I’ve got horseshoes now.”

The girls giggled for a few minutes before they calmed down and the two groups shared the information they’d gathered. “Well, sounds like we’ve gotten some good information. And it’s starting to get late. We should head back and meet with the other group now,” Applejack said, looking at the others. With a collective nod, the groups headed out Light Patch trailing slightly behind.

“At least I’m not stuck with high heels,” Light Patch muttered to himself as he shakily followed the girls.

* * *

Fluttershy trotted through the hallways, glancing behind herself nervously every few steps. She hadn’t seen what was on the letter Wits End had given her, but whatever it was, she was sure that if she got caught with it, she, Wits, and probably a lot more ponies would be in a lot of trouble.

For a moment, she wondered if she should read the letter before delivering it. The pink-maned shook her head, clearing her mind of that thought. “I couldn’t do that,” she muttered. “It might be personal, like…” Fluttershy frowned. Wits End might have that skill card for flirting, she thought, but I don’t think he’d do something like that on somepony like… Well, I don’t think Purple Heart would like that.

She glanced up from her reverie. “There’s the dragon tapestry,” she said to herself, turning the other way to face the stairway. “Second floor…” she muttered, following her own directions, “go left… third room on the right.” Fluttershy stopped in front of the door. She swallowed nervously, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

A few minutes later, she knocked again, this time hard enough to make a sound.

“Enter,” Amber’s soft voice sounded from the other side of the door.

Fluttershy opened the door slowly, peeking through the frame. “Um, excuse me, Princess. Do you have a minute?” Amber looked up from the book she was reading and smiled when she recognized the yellow pegasus.

“Of course,” she replied, beckoning for Fluttershy to come closer. “Purple Heart is out practicing until dinner, so I have some time.”

“Oh, thank you.” Fluttershy closed the door behind her. “How is he doing? I hope he’s not too badly hurt.” Shaking her head, Amber gestured for the pegasus to sit.

“He’s doing okay, I guess,” she answered, her smile shifting into a look of concern. “He had me worried before his first match, but he seemed to bounce back afterwards. I guess some rest after a nice workout, albeit painful, must have helped him.”

Fluttershy frowned, wondering if she would have to talk to the purple stallion later. “Well, I… suppose that’s good.” After a moment, she reached into her saddlebag. “I, um, I actually came here to give you a message,” she said, placing the letter on an end table.

Amber cocked her head to one side as she took hold of the envelope with her magic. She tore an opening into one side and slid the letter within out to unfold it:

Don’t panic.

Seriously, keep calm. What you’re about to read might seem pretty bad, but don’t worry. I’m working on it.

There’s a pony trying to kill you.

That pony is me.

Stop panicking. I’m not going to succeed.

The short version of the story is this: Holdfast has set himself up to claim the throne when Bastion dies or gets deposed or whatever. You showing up has put a wrinkle in that plan, and he wants to iron you out.

Friendly reminder: keep not panicking.

Holdfast is threatening the rest of the party unless I help him get rid of you. But don’t worry, I have a solution that keeps everypony happy (except him, obviously). I won’t go into too much detail for your own safety, but just know that I do have a plan, and it should work smoothly.

For your part, I need you to do something for me. I know it’ll be hard because of what I wrote before, but I’m sure you can handle it.

I need you to keep Holdfast’s attention. Be outgoing among the nobility. If you can, get a rumor or two started about you. If you and him are in a room together, talk to him. DON’T LET HIM KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. As long as his focus is on you, I can finish my plan and everypony will be safe.

I know. It’s terrible. You think you should go talk to somepony, get him thrown in the dungeons. But don’t do that thing. And definitely don’t tell Purple Heart. He’ll charge in and get in even more trouble. The goal is to get through this without engaging the rest of the group. Only Fluttershy, myself, and now you know about what’s going on.

Also, we can’t be seen talking to each other without the rest of the party around. If you need to send me a message, send it through Fluttershy. Or I guess you could send Opal, if you trust her not to talk. We need to keep the number of ponies involved down, though, so be careful.

Oh, and burn this letter when you’re done reading it. Just in case.

Signed;

Wits End

P.S.: Actually, if you do have some sort of thing for PH, if you could be more open about it in public, it’d help to get rumors started, and thus get Holdfast’s attention. Just a thought.

P.P.S.: If PH asks, just tell him that I offered to give him some help, senpai to kohai. He’ll understand.

A frown creased Amber’s brow as she read the letter a second time and then a third to commit it to memory. The princess stood and trotted over to the balcony that looked out over the city. She then sent a pulse of magic into the parchment of the letter and envelope, incinerating them before letting the ashes drift into the breeze. Her frown remained as she turned to Fluttershy. Several questions rose to the forefront of her mind but only one managed to pass her lips.

“Purple Heart isn’t gonna like this, huh?” she mused.

Fluttershy watched as the ashes blew away, definitely wishing she had read the letter first. She almost asked what had been on it, but quickly bit back the question, just in case. “So, um…” She shifted uncomfortably. “Is there anything I can do to help?” The golden unicorn sighed and nodded.

“Who amongst you is the best at gossip?” she asked, her tone one of resignation. “And could you take a message to Purple Heart? His next match is later today. I’d like to speak to him afterwards.”

Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. “Well, um, Pinkie Pie is really good at gossiping. I mean, in a good way, that is. And, uh, I guess I can take another message before meeting up with the others. Is there anything else I can do?”

Amber shook her head, her mane swaying with the motion. “Nothing else. Please tell Wits End that I shall be careful.”

“I will.” Fluttershy moved to the door. “And, um… If you need anypony to talk to… Well, you can talk to me.” A small smile curved the princess’ lips.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she said, placing a thankful hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

Fluttershy smiled and nodded. “Have a good day, Princess.” She trotted through the door, closing it behind her. With a sigh, she started making her way toward the arena.

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Wits End, Purple Heart

Chapter 40: Skullponies Encore

“Yeesh, will I ever fight in the arena without having to go to the infirmary afterwards?” Purple Heart groaned, slapping down another group of cards. His second arena appearance had been vastly different from his first one. Instead of fighting two large opponents like he had in his debut, the purple earth pony had gone through a deadly maze infested with enemies bearing lances. While the crowd hadn’t outright booed him in his second appearance, they didn’t love Purple Heart either. Apparently, some prestigious members of Gallopilli’s ruling elite had sown words of doubt and disfavor amongst the middle and lower classes that attended the match. The Purple Barbarian was nothing more than a slanderous nag that deserved to be put down in a very public, gory fashion.

On the other hoof, after Purple Heart had defeated his opponents without much difficulty in his second match, the crowd had started to love him. It was actually after the match that Purple Heart was injured, thus sending him to the infirmary. The Purple Barbarian couldn’t help but smile at how he had made the populace love him. He had to admit, getting squished by a wooden portion of the maze was definitely amusing. Until the splinters came out that is. That hadn’t been fun. Especially for his rear-end where the majority of the wall had fallen on.
The ponies seated with him in the gladiator waiting room under the Coliseum all chuckled at the question. Of the six there at the table, only one didn’t laugh.

“Unlikely,” Melee replied, his face void of emotion. “Every win under your belt further increases the ranking you have within the arena and thus demands deadlier enemies for you to face. I will say that I was impressed with how you managed to defeat your opponents in your second bout. Although, I’m afraid your next one will be a little more difficult.”

“Just as long as he doesn’t fight us,” one of the gladiators chortled. “Did you see what he did to those training dummies?” He posed the question to the other ponies present. Purple Heart ducked his head, a smile curving his lips as the gladiators and arena master all voiced their confirmation. After his second match, Purple Heart had leveled up again, unlocking a new attack feat: Nail Kick. It was an interesting attack. Instead of one blast of damaging power, like what Jan, Ken, Hufu, Nail Kick had a more drawn out attack time. Several damaging ‘strikes’ would be fired upon activation of the feat and, depending on the distance, damage would compound itself upon the target.

If Jan, Ken, Hufu was a close-range high damage attack, then Nail Kick was a mid range scatter attack, making it ideal when facing multiple enemies or racking up damage against one massive opponent.

Ooooh, Purple Heart had thought upon leveling up. Ima shotgun now. When the purple earth pony had first tested his newfound feat, the damage had been terrifying. Thinking back, Purple Heart was certain that several curious spectating gladiators had wrenched their necks while double-taking at the fluffy carnage that the practice dummies in the Training Wing had become.

“But those were only practice dummies,” a young gladiator by the name of Blade Runner pointed out. The gladiator was young, probably younger than Purple Heart himself. His mane was spiked and colored a light green whereas his coat was a darker hue. The mark on his flank was two crossed blades. “How can that be terrifying?”

A white-maned pegasus with powerful wings, a scarred silver coat, and a morningstar on his flank grunted as he drew from the deck of cards on the table and gestured to the pony beside him, signalling the end of his turn. “You haven’t seen the arena yet, have you lad? You came in with yesterday’s batch, didn’t you?” The young colt averted his gaze in embarrassment, nodding.

“Well, you’ll just have to see what happens on the Sands of Glory when the Purple Barbarian here fights,” one of the mid-level gladiators commented, clapping a hoof on Purple Heart’s shoulder. The earth pony twisted his face into a grimace then he turned to look expectantly at Melee.

“When’s my next match?” he asked, taking one of the arena master’s cards. Melee frowned at the card Purple Heart took and looked to one of the other ponies.

“About now actually,” Melee replied. The older stallion allowed a small smile to cross his features when he saw the look of disbelief on Purple Heart’s face.

“Now?” Purple Heart asked weakly. Melee nodded.

“Now.”

The table shivered as the Purple Barbarian skittered away to the gateway leading to the surface arena floor. The gladiators chuckled and followed the purple earth pony at a more leisurely pace towards the viewing windows.

“So why should I be watching this?” Blade Runner asked curiously. The elder gladiator, Buck Wing, sighed in annoyance.

“What’s the one thing that can make the difference in a battle to the death?” Buck asked, aiming his question at the green earth pony. Runner frowned in concentration.

“Skill?” he asked slowly.

Melee was the one who answered. “Partially. But knowledge is better. Having the knowledge of who you could face is invaluable. That’s why you should watch. The Purple Barbarian is a rather powerful and dangerous opponent. Finding out what abilities he has would do you good, should you face him. It may not happen, but don’t discount the scheming minds of the Royals above.”

Blade Runner furrowed his brow and looked out at the sand, his interest in Purple Heart growing.

* * *

“Ladies and gentlecolts!” the announcer began. “Welcome once more to Gallopilli’s Coliseum! Last week, the Purple Barbarian made his debut on the hallowed Sands of Glory and defeated the Braek Brothers~! Imagine our surprise when he went on to defeat a dozen of the meanest Lancers from Gallopilli’s resident Lancer Gladiators, the Ponyards!”

Meanest my arse, Purple Heart grumbled as he paced back and forth across the sand, awaiting his opponent. The only injury I received was from a toppling wall. They did manage to jumpscare me though. Barely. Slendermare was more terrifying.

“Now, the time has come for the Purple Barbarian’s third match!” the announcer continued. “Please put your hooves together for the the largest pony this side of Skull Mountain, Big Ban!”

Purple Heart froze in his tracks, fear taking hold of him as the floor of the arena shifted, revealing a peaceful city block that looked very much out of place in the Coliseum.

“Big Ban is somewhere within the city block!” the announcer declared. “Begin!”

Purple Heart stood there at the entrance to the city block for a few seconds, mulling over his thoughts as they ran through his mind. The game officials probably didn’t care about any damage that the two combatants would wreak upon the small ‘stage’. Eventually, the Purple Barbarian sighed and he cantered slowly into the city block, wariness apparent in his every motion. If his opponent was who he thought it was, then he would be feeling a world of pain after today’s match. He gulped and grimaced, knowing that those hours playing Snipony Elite III with his comrades would be of some help in this situation. Slowly, cautiously, he entered a building in a crouch and began searching for his quarry, knowing that he was being hunted as well.

* * *

The assembled crowd of common ponies and several members of the ruling elite watched the arena floor in silent interest. Opinions of the two combatants were mixed to say the least. Most all of the royalty present were betting on the imminent demise of one purple earth pony. On the other hoof, a portion of the common ponies were betting on the Purple Barbarian’s victory. Only time would tell.

Or not.

Purple Heart was sent sailing through a decrepit looking building and landed on the roof of one beside it. Big Ban, an earth pony of elephantine proportions (even bigger than a certain Bandit Chief) leapt after the purple earth pony and landed on the roof beside the fallen combatant.

With a groan of pain, Purple Heart lifted his head and looked at the tan and brass colored earth pony standing over him. A dark blue cloak whipped about the stallion’s trunk-like legs, snapping in the wind like the pennant banners around the Colosseum. An explosion of sound swelled from the crowd when they noticed that the two combatants had reappeared.

“Welp, so much from Snipony Elite,” Purple Heart mumbled as he crawled to his hooves. Big Ban looked down at the purple earth pony and boomed a laugh.

“You will be prosecuted to the full extent of the jam,” the large cloaked pony declared. “Saximum!” From beneath the cloak shot a huge brass gauntlet. Purple Heart’s eyes widened in surprise as he leapt skyward, hoping to avoid the wide attack. This was for naught though, as his opponent swept his cloak aside again, this time revealing a thick column of brass about the diameter of Purple Heart’s leg. Size aside, the weapon succeeded in hitting the airborne earth pony, sending the Purple Barbarian soaring in a high arc onto another building. Purple Heart's head was ringing painfully on impact.

When Purple Heart landed, he sagged against the rooftop as the needles of dull yet inexplicable pain ran rampant across his chest and stomach.

“Ungh,” the purple earth pony grumbled. “His hit box is enormous.”

A resounding crash silenced the roaring crowd and managed to startle Purple Heart to his hooves as the large steampunk-esque pony crashed into the building the purple earth pony resided in. Standing, Big Ban looked down at his adversary, his face a mask of amused disdain.

“I got ties older than you, princess,” he chortled. “Shoes too. Hot socks! Black and blue! Shuffle!” Purple Heart scrambled away, trying to avoid the three attack combo. He had mild success as he dodged the first, took the second on the shoulder, and rolled away from the third as the large colt had leapt up, increasing the distance between the two combatants.

Great, the Purple Barbarian snarled to himself. He’s exactly like him. Hit box and all.

“I’m not a princess,” Purple Heart snapped as he tore forward, intent on dealing some kind of damage to Big Ban. The large earth pony laughed and jumped, showing surprising agility for such a huge individual.

“Don’t futz around!” Big Ban reached out with the brass gauntlet and made an attempt to grab Purple Heart. Hard cobalt eyes softened to a realization stare as Purple Heart twisted to one side, batting the brass limb aside, utilizing his experience gained from fencing his two compatriots. He ignored Ban’s curse of ‘applesauce’ and went on to notice the opening he had created by deflecting the grapple attempt. The Purple Barbarian lunged forward, his desire to beat this massive pony growing with each second. What happened next really threw Purple Heart for a loop.

It all started when he noticed the obscenely manic grin pulling Big Ban’s lips further and further across his muzzle. A snap motion later saw the brass limb pulled back to block Purple Heart’s normal attack...

‘Pulled back to block Purple Heart’s normal attack...’

Block.

BLOCK.

“What the bleeding carp?!” Purple Heart screeched, reaching a pitch that was seldom found on his vocal scale. His moment of laxity allowed for Big Ban to counter.

“Beat that! Air mail! Swing it!” The three barked phrases each proceeded a different attack on Ban’s part; a crouching kick, a standing punch, and a jumping kick. Purple Heart was able to avoid the first two attacks before lurching into path of the airborne attack. A pained groan escaped Purple Heart and he darted to the edge of the roof. Seconds later found him off the roof and scrambling into a building across the way. Swerving and ducking through the houses, Purple Heart totally ignored any sneaking until he was far enough away from where Big Ban had been.

Calls of displeasure and annoyance from the crowd echoed around the buildings, following Purple Heart as he snuck through building after building, taunting him.

“C’mon! Fight!”

“Beat ‘is brains out!”

“No sneaking around!”

“Play us a song on his skull!”

“Get on with it!”

Purple Heart grit his teeth in aggravation. This wasn’t going well. He really needed to have a word with Discord on the game mechanics. Blocking would’ve been a nice help in all of the earlier conflicts he had participated in, regardless of rules or combat form.

“Personal status,” the purple earth pony hissed, hoping that the verbal command would do as he wanted. Fortunately, the DM was feeling generous.

“Health unchanged at forty-two percent,” a soft voice relayed. “Strength and toughness modifiers are unchanged. Agility modifier is reduced from +3 to -1. Stamina meter is unchanged. No buffs present. One debuff, Cacophony.”

Purple Heart cocked his head in confusion. “Cacophony?”

“Cacophony is a Bard ability that places a debuff on a single target. The effects on the target are reduced Agility modifier and decreased Perception.” Purple Heart cursed under his breath and uttered a soft ‘thanks’ out of reflex before he shuffled to a window to peek out at the surrounding street. The causeway was empty of life. Specifically, a very big, very dangerous earth pony. Crunching sounded from the ceiling, causing its only occupant to glance up warily. A deep voice boomed overhead. Big Ban was amused.

“I’m too old for this,” Big Ban joked. “Nothing but stolen moments. Hear that ringing?” Purple Heart frowned, hearing nothing. The earth pony’s words were vaguely familiar. “Recess is over! I gotta go see a colt about a dog!” With that, the clopping overhead ceased as Big Ban departed, presumably jumping away from the building. Against his better judgement, Purple Heart inched towards the door. He knew what his opponent was doing: he was trying to bait him out. And Purple Heart would have to take it. It’d be the only way this match would end.

Sure enough, as soon as Purple Heart trotted out onto the street, a whistling pierced the air. A shadow grew under Purple Heart, spreading past his own. Only previous experience and some quick thinking allowed the Purple Barbarian to survive the attack. He fell into a crouch, faced the oncoming threat, and brought his forelegs up to block the imminent attack.

When Big Ban’s brass gauntlet made contact with Purple Heart’s upraised forelegs, a shockwave of energy pulsed out and sent cracks criss-crossing across the nearby building walls. As the two combatants struggled against each other, more cracks spread across the buildings’ surfaces. Several of the structures fell, suffering from too much damage to the supporting walls. A grin of satisfaction crossed Purple Heart’s face when he saw the disbelief evident in his adversary’s eyes. Now was his chance to counter and do some damage of his own.

Purple Heart flexed his chest muscles, forcing Big Ban’s brass limb away to off balance the larger earth pony. Big Ban’s original legs hit the ground and skidded. With an intimidating bellow, Purple Heart shot forward.

“Nail Kick!” he barked, hoping the shotgun effect would keep the huge earth pony off balance. Purple Heart didn’t expect any damage to be done. Another smile satisfaction passed over the Purple Barbarian’s lips as he watched Big Ban slide out of the attack’s path, putting him in the ideal position to be attacked again.

“Jankenhufu!” Purple Heart spat, hoping the slur would make sense to the DM above. When no glow appeared, he cursed and darted forward anyway, not wanting to waste an attack of opportunity.

“Tuba!” Big Ban bawled, his voice tinged with fear as he watched the smaller earth pony advance quickly toward him. “Tubatubatubatubatuba… TUUBAAAAAAA~!” Purple Heart blanched as several brass instruments popped out from beneath the cloak and began to rain down on him. Several of the attacks he managed to block, but a number managed to get past and deal actual damage.

“Health status,” he snarled through the pain.

“Health is at eighteen percent,” the voice relayed. “Recommend leaving comba-”

“Shut it!” Purple Heart hissed, trying to ignore the heedless battering. Big Ban’s attack stopped and he stepped back, as if waiting for Purple Heart to react. And react he did.

“Nail Kick! Nail Kick!” he seethed. “Jan, Ken, Hufu!” The first two attacks made a wide spread across the street, limiting any possible route of escape. Big Ban either had to leap over the incoming projectiles or to block, thus hiding his view of any further attack. The massive tan-colored earth pony chose the former.

Big Ban smiled as he watched his adversary look grimly up at him. His smile disappeared to be replaced by a look of fear when the smaller purple earth pony leapt to meet him, a golden glow emanating from his forehooves. Big Ban was in mid-air. Escape wasn’t an option and nor was blocking. All he could do was take the hit and pray that the damage wouldn’t be too great.

His hope was fruitless.

Purple Heart grinned weakly as he came eye to eye with the massive earth pony.

“Buh-bye,” he said cheerily, ramming the attack into Big Ban’s chest.

The pain...was astronomical. The cloaked earth pony didn’t even register the further pain as he was launched through several buildings before he came to rest limply against a dilapidated wall. It took several attempts for Big Ban to open his eyes, but when he did, he could only see the blurred form of a purple earth pony with bright blue tattoos.

“Not a bad note,” the cloaked colt mused, raising a hoof to the announcer box. “You grew up strong.” Then his vision faded into blackness, unconsciousness falling over him like a blanket.

Purple Heart sagged in relief and inclined his head in respect to the older gladiator. As he walked away towards the gate leading to beneath the arena, he noted the silence that had settled on the crowd since he started his attack. The silence from the crowd stretched on for several seconds before an eruption of sound boomed throughout the Colosseum, a thousand throats crying two words that followed the weakened earth pony down into the corridors below the arena.

Purple Heart!

* * *

Purple Heart groaned as another wave of pain rippled through his reclined form. As soon as he had passed through the gateway from the arena, he had crumpled from exhaustion. His stamina meter had come dangerously to being empty, almost resulting in his passing out. Using both of his combat abilities repeatedly hadn’t done any favors for the purple earth pony. Despite that, Purple Heart couldn’t help but smile at his success, even if he was once again bed-ridden. He wasn’t expecting his friends to be there waiting though. They had other matters to attend to. So, it was suffice to say that he was surprised to see Fluttershy peeking into the infirmary from behind the door frame.

“Oh my,” the pink-maned mare muttered, seeing the state of the wounded barbarian. “That looks like it must hurt.” She shuffled through the door, rooting through her saddlebag. “Do you need something for the pain? I have some willow bark, and some ginger, some devil’s claw…”

“Yes please,” the purple earth pony grimaced. “I have hurtings. While you do that, wanna tell me what you’re doing here? I mean, it’s flattering to know that you all care about me, but aren’t you all supposed to be digging up dirt on particular ponies of interest?”

“Don’t you worry, the others are taking care of that.” Fluttershy looked up from her collection of herbs to find one of the infirmary nurses watching her carefully. She offered an embarrassed smile and tucked the herbs away again. “I… Well, I ran into Princess Amber Glitter.. She wanted to talk to you after your fight was over.” She frowned. “I can tell her you need to recover first, if you want.”

A shake of his head elicited another wave of pain through Purple Heart’s upper body. “I’m just a bundle of bruises, no internal fractures or that kinda stuff. I should be able to limp my way up to the castle to talk to her in an hour or so, perhaps more. Was there anything particular Amber wanted to talk about?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Not that she told me.” She saw the look in the nurse's eyes and flinched. “I should probably go. You need to rest, and Wits End and the others are probably waiting for me.” Purple Heart made to nod, but thought better of it, not wanting to add more unnecessary pain to his already stricken nerves. Instead, he smiled weakly.

“Roight,” he replied. “Tell them good luck from me. And urge at least some of them to come to my next bout. From what I’ve heard, this guy’s from out of town.”

“I will.” Fluttershy crossed back to the door. “Make sure you get some rest,” she said with a smile as she left the infirmary. Purple Heart sighed as he felt the herbs take effect and he let his eyes close, giving his face an almost serene look as he relaxed comfortably into the bed.

“Wonder what the Princess wants to talk about,” he mused softly.

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart, Wits End

Chapter 41: Witty Title Here

“Thank you for your time, Lord Red Mane.” Rarity bowed to the crimson-haired noble, giving the older stallion a subtle smile.

Red Mane smiled back. “The pleasure is all mine, Miss Rarity,” he said, returning the bow. “Anything for such a lovely young mare.”

Rarity chuckled, hiding her smile behind a hoof. “Your flattery won’t make me stay longer, dear. I’m afraid I have other matters to attend to.” As she started walking, she ran the tip of her tail along his chin. “Of course, I shall remember your offer in the future. Farewell, my lord.”

Wits End watched the almost dumbstruck stallion trot away as the purple-maned unicorn drew near. “Was that a pony, or a fiddle?” he asked with a low whistle. “You certainly played him well enough.”

“It’s always nice to see my skills appreciated, darling,” Rarity said with a flip of her mane.

Twilight seemed unsure as to what to make of the situation. “Just out of, I dunno, morbid curiosity? What’s the difference between how you two get ponies to do what you want?”

“It’s simple, deary,” Rarity said. “When I do it, it’s subtle. When our friend Wits End here does it, it’s over the top and cheesy.”

Wits End frowned. “Hey, I can be subtle!”

Rarity narrowed her eyes at the mint-colored unicorn. “Spell ‘subtle’.”

“... H. A. M. M-”

“That’s what I thought.”

Twilight sighed. “In any case,” she interrupted; the oncoming conversation seemed very familiar to her… “At least we’ve got some idea of how the nobility will react if Bastion declares war. We should head back to the inn and let the others know what we’ve learned.”

“Right.” Wits started to turn to head out of the castle, but stopped when he spotted a certain portly stallion making his way through the gardens. “Actually, you two go on ahead. I’m gonna make sure Fluttershy knows we’re leaving.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Why not just let me contact her telepathically? It’d be easier and quicker than going all the way back to the library.”

“Because she might freak out if you suddenly pop into her head?”

Rarity put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, guiding away. “Let’s leave the two of them alone for a while, darling. It’s obvious that our friend Wits wants to be alone with Fluttershy for a while.”

“...I don’t get it.”

“I’ll explain on the way back to the inn. Tootle-loo, darling!”

Wits End smiled and waved as the mares walked down the hallway, only stopping once they turned a corner. “I get the feeling I’ll be hearing more about that later,” he muttered. He shook his head, putting on his friendliest smile as he stepped into the garden to cut the heavy-set stallion off. “My lord! A moment, if you could?”

The lord turned around, a look of annoyance evident on his flabby face, his jowls shivering from the motion of turning. “What do you want? I’m a busy stallion. Well? Spit it out!”

Wits maintained his smile. “Lord Heavy Wait. You might not remember me. I’m a friend of Purple Heart, one of the stallions fighting in the coliseum. I was wondering if I could speak to you about him.” His voice took on a conspiratorial tone. “Specifically, how you and I could benefit from his time in the arena.” Lord Heavy Wait arched an eyebrow as he looked down at the small pinto unicorn, his dark eyes alight with greed.

“A pony with questionable morals hoping to profit from his friend’s suffering?” he mused. “Interesting. You have my attention. What do you have in mind?”

“I prefer to think of myself as a salespony of others’ skills.” Wits End hadn’t expected his bait to be taken so quickly, so he found himself throwing out several minutes of idle chatter and kissing-up. “I’m sure a stallion with an keen eye like yours has been keeping track of Purple Heart’s fights so far. Each of his three battles, he’s walked away the victor.” He smirked. “Perhaps a little roughed up, but his victories speak for themselves.” He leaned in, lowering his voice so that only the overweight stallion would hear him. “How would you like to profit from his skills well after he finishes his final fight?”

Heavy Wait’s eyes flashed and a smirk curved his lips. “I wouldn’t say no to a little mad money.” His smirk slid off his face as a thought passed through his mind. “Although, this sounds like an attempt at bribery.”

Wits End’s smile widened. “My lord’s ears are certainly as keen as his eyes. After all, some wheels must be greased to keep everything moving smoothly. Some wheels more than others.”

“You truly know what to say, little friend,” Heavy Wait complimented, his greedy smirk returning. “A silver tongue such as yours would be a great influence amongst the ruling class here in Gallopilli. That aside, tell me your plan.”

“Its brilliance is in its simplicity.” Wits End made a note to take a very long bath after finishing this deal. “Purple Heart will win his freedom. That is a given. Now, under normal circumstances, he would take than freedom and leave this city, never to return. However,” he paused for a moment for dramatic effect, “I can convince him to teach a few choice gladiators his secrets. The patron of those gladiators would be able to make a pretty penny from betting on them.” He turned, holding his hoof out as if displaying a beautiful sight. “Those fighters could teach others, raising the skill level of the coliseum.” The mint-colored unicorn cast a sidelong glance at Heavy Wait. “Or, a clever lord could keep those skills to himself, and reap the resulting profits.”

Heavy Wait stroked his triple chin with a hoof, causing the bangles and jewelry on his fore-leg. A contemplative frown creased his brow as he thought over the plan. “An interesting scheme,” he mused. “The gladiators he trains will have to be unknowns. That will stack the odds against them and increase profits. I do have one concern however.”
Wits End paused, imperceptibly holding his breath. “What’s that?” he asked, keeping his voice smooth.

“If what you say is true regarding your friend’s abilities,” Heavy Wait said. “and the gladiators he trains became as powerful and undefeatable as you say...then what happens when the odds are all for those gladiators? Bets are made of odds. You can’t make a profit when everypony bets on a pony they KNOW will win.”

“Great fighters don’t have to win all the time. It’s a simple matter of explaining the situation to them. I’m sure a clever patron could arrange a profitable situation without arousing suspicion.” Wits End took a few steps away, looking over his shoulder. “Of course, I can always find another lord better suited to these sort of dealings…”

“NO!” Heavy squeaked nervously. He coughed, clearing his throat in an attempt to lower his tone again. “No, that will not be necessary. I see your point. Perhaps you could collaborate with me to find exotic fighters who have at least some kind of chance? I agree that things can be arranged regarding your Neo-Gladiators, but it doesn’t hurt to be safe.”

Wits End hid his smile. “Absolutely. I’d be more than willing to help.” He turned. “Of course, there is something I need in return.” He made a dismissive gesture with his forehoof. “Greasing wheels and all, after all.”

“Oh?” the lord grunted. “And what might that be? My daughter? A note of ownership of one of the gladiators? A cut of the profits?”

What a morally bankrupt son of a-. The mint-colored stallion cut of his thoughts before they showed on his face. “Nothing so dramatic; although I wouldn’t say no to any sort of gratuity you’d care to pass my way.” He turned to face Heavy Wait. “I’d like you to put your wei- your support behind Princess Amber Glitter. Do that, and I will uphold my end of the deal.” The massively overweight earth pony narrowed his eyes at the small unicorn’s slip but waved it off. He inclined his head to Wits End and held out a hoof.

“I will provide support for the Princess in whatever she endeavors,” he agreed.

Wits End reached out toward the offered hoof, but hesitated before making contact. “I hope that my lord wouldn’t be insulted if I asked for that promise in writing?” He gave another small smile. “Words alone only go so far. You understand, of course.” An irritated expression darkened Heavy Wait’s face, as if he was disappointed. Then the expression passed to be replaced by an amused smirk.

“You are certainly a knowledgeable unicorn, Mr. End,” he chuckled. “Why don’t we go write up that contract?”

Got him. Wits shook the offered hoof. “Then we have an accord.”

* * *

“So,” Rainbow started, looking over the top of hoof of cards, “you seem to have adapted to those new shoes of yours.” She finished her amusement over the whole situation still heavily evident in her voice.

“Yes, yes I got horseshoes put on, get over it” the pegasus stallion said while reorganizing his cards, “Now show me those nines Rainbow.” The rainbow maned pegasus scowled as she handed over three nines. “Whoo! I’ve gotten another group.”

“Book.”

“Wha?” the stallion responded.

“They’re called books not groups,” Pinkie responded, staring at her cards intently, “Oh by the way, Applejack I’ll have any threes you have,”

“Shoot,” the orange mare said tossing the threes she had to Pinkie, “I was hopin’ no pony’d guess I had any three's”

“We all knew you had three’s,” Light Patch said, his head propped up by a hoof, the other two mares nodded in affirmation of his statement.

“An’ just how do you know? I know Pinkie wouldn’t cheat and she’d keep the rest’o us honest too,” Applejack said looking at her friends sharing the table.

“You have, the worst poker face I’ve ever seen,” Light Patch said. “I could note just about every time you took interest in what cards were being asked for,” the grey pegasus finished. “Might be because you’re the element of honesty or something,” Light Patch postulated.

“Or maybe you’re just terrible at hiding your tells,” Rainbow noted, “I’ll have whatever fives you’ve got Applejack.” With a low mutter the orange mare handed her two fives over.

“Well ya’ll got any two’s Rainbow,”

“Nope, go fish Applejack.” The pegasus mare responded.

Applejack drew a card and her face lit up, “I’ll have your two’s Applejack,” Pinkie said breaking the cowpony out of her glee. “Sorry Applejack but it’s the one suit you’ve never asked about.” The country mare sighed deciding to not draw any more cards to replace her empty hand.

“I think I’ll sit the rest of this game out,” the farm pony mentioned before she turned towards the pegasus stallion, “You know Ah’ve got this question wot’s been knocking around my head for a while Light Patch.”

“Fire when ready Gaitly.” The stallion frowned. “Really Discord, you ponify Gaitly but not Murphy?” he shouted towards the sky before turning back to the farm pony. “Sorry. Ask away.”

“I’ve been wondering why Discord might have grabbed you and yer friends. Ah can see why he’d pick me an the rest’o the girls, but...” the orange mare trailed off.

“Why me and my two friends, we’re not the elements of harmony, or superheroes or anything like that far as you know.”

“Thats actually a fairly good question,” Rainbow noted.

“Shame the answers probably just because he could,” The stallion gave a grin that the three mares recognized. “Doesn't mean he should,” The pony began singing, “just because he could it doesn’t make him good~”

“Should what?” Twilight stepped into the room, followed by Rarity. “Who are we talking about?”

“Discord, and why he chose Light Patch and his friends to be a part of this,” Rainbow said looking over her cards.

“You totally song blocked me Twilight, not cool.” Light Patch said poking the purple allicorn with a shod hoof.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “I’m… sorry?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Wits End said, coming through the door behind the two mares; Fluttershy a few steps behind. “He chose us because we’re the funniest ones to mess with.” He stopped, look the grey pegasus over. “Something is… different about you. Did you get a manecut?”

“Nope,” the pegasus responded rearranging his cards and ignoring the burst of snickering from Rainbow Dash. “Go fish Witty.”

“I- Mmm.” Wits narrowed his eyes. “New glasses?”

“Nope same pair I’ve had since I fell from the sky, and yes ladies it did hurt… a lot.”

“...I got nothing.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Anyway, what did you find out about the the military getting built up?”

“Well there is a couple of towns near the borders of the two fightin’ countries that have been getting more than their fair share of food.” Applejack noted.

“I heard a rumor that a pegasus merchant spotted a large camp near one of those towns, it was at night though so he didn’t see who’s camp but there was one.” Rainbow threw in as she picked up the cards she asked for.

“And the militia’s been called up to head off somewhere that’s not close,” Pinkie chimed in.

“And the kingdom has everypony busy with some kind of royal project, not busy enough if you ask me though,” Light Patch finished in a mutter, before turning to his friend. “What about you find any juicy casus belli for wars?” the grey pegasus asked.

“Unfortunately, yes.” Twilight sat down at the table. “According to the history books, Roania lost several provinces. Bastion has all the reason he needs to start a war to reclaim them.”

“And,” Rarity added, “the nobles we talked to said they’d support a war to do exactly that. We have the makings of quite the drama on our hooves, girls. And Light Patch.”

“Congratulations Witty, you’re one of the girls now, what are you going to do next?” The grey pegasus asked while doing his best commercial voice.

Wits End’s face was screwed up in concentration. “Are you wearing a slightly different shade of pink?”
Light Patch made a buzzer noise, “Oh, I’m sorry,” he said transitioning to his best game show host impression, “but you’ve answered incorrectly! But don’t worry you’ll still get something on the way out. Pinkie if you’d show our contestant his prize.” The party pony quickly began to ruffle through her hair trying to find something.

“Oooh here how about this cupcake,” She said pulling one from her mane, she froze upon seeing it’s frostingless state however. “huh I wonder what happened to the frosting, I guess I’ll have to make you a fresh one, OOoh I know I’ll go see if Amber will let me use the castle’s kitchen I bet they’d have everything I’d need.” Before anypony could stop the pink mare she was gone in a hop skip and jump.

Twilight thought for a moment. “Well, if nothing else, we have a good reason to take Bastion down. Putting what Boomer said aside, we’ll be saving a lot of ponies by keeping Bastion from causing any trouble.”

“Maybe we don’t have to depose him?” Fluttershy asked in a whisper. “I mean, what if we just ask him to not start be bad?”

“We can try but I highly doubt it will work,” Light Patch said looking at Fluttershy, “Though if it does I’ll eat my hat, er helmet.”
Rainbow Dash scoffed. “As if! If we tell him, we’ll be in the same position as Daring Do in the Caves of Ahtalakalaka.” She watched the uncomprehending looks on the faces of everypony but Twilight. “She asks the cult leader not to sacrifice Lady Go-ga and gets put on the altar herself?”

“Lady… Go-ga?” Light Patch asked looking between Twilight and Rainbow Dash. Twilight gave a quick nod but her explanation was cut off by the sudden sparkle in Light Patch’s eyes. “Please tell me for the love of everything good, that whatever Go-ga does she does for the applause.”

“My point,” Rainbow Dash continued with a pointed look at the grey stallion, “is that if we tell Bastion that we know what he’s up to, we’ll get thrown in the arena right next to Purple Heart!” She punctuated her statement with a hoof on the table. “We need to take him down, and fast.”

“Rainbow’s right about if we tell him we’re in on his plans, I’m still not totally sold we need to oust him quite yet,” Light Patch said ignoring the looks from the mares, “But still how would we do it if we were to?”

Twilight sighed. “Wits, do you have any-” She saw the intense look on concentration on the mint-colored stallion’s face. “Never mind. We might not have proof that would stand up in an Equestrian court, but we’re not exactly in Equestria anymore.” She frowned, as if unhappy about where her logic had led to. “If we implicate him with what we know, we might be able to get the nobility to turn on him.”

“Like sharks on a… a… Like uhm, pigeons at a um… like a… I got nothing carry on.” Light Patch said turning back to the card game.

“In any case,” Rarity said with a toss of her mane, “we should wait to discuss with Purple Heart and Princess Amber Glitter. Until then, I’m going to go wash up. Enjoy your game of car-”

“THE HORSESHOES!” Wits End’s exclamation echoed off the walls as he pointed a triumphant hoof at Light Patch. “You got shod!”

“It took you long enough,” Light Patch grumbled while looking at Rainbow’s cards as she rolled around on the floor laughing.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 42: Don't Panic!

Princess Amber couldn’t help but smile as the sun sank gracefully below the walls of the city. The past two weeks had been chock full of adversity and new experiences for the young royal: discovering she had a claim to the throne of Roania, the journey to the capital to lay her claim, the knapping of Opal, meeting Purple Heart and his friends, arriving at Gallopilli in a rather unorthodox fashion, Purple Heart’s fiasco during the ball and the subsequent trial, the bouts that the purple earth pony had to endure, learning of Holdfast’s scheme, and now this. She had to deal with her anxiety and confess her feelings for Purple Heart, all the while hoping that he didn’t despise her.

A knock sounded on the door, shaking Amber gently from her thoughts.

“Yes?”

“My lady,” a voice said from the door. “The gladiator Purple Heart is requesting an audience. Shall I send him away until you are finished with you dinner?”

“No!” Amber barked before changing her tone to a more gentle one. “Ehm, send him in please. I’m expecting him.” The ornate doors to her suite swung open to reveal the purple earth pony. As he walked slowly into the room, Amber took the chance to scrutinize him in search of any lasting injuries. Her brow furrowed when she noticed Purple Heart favoring his right foreleg with a minor limp. She looked up and locked gazes with the purple barbarian. A shiver ran down her spine as his eyes pierced her, lighting feelings within the golden unicorn.

“It’s just a sprain,” Purple Heart explained softly. “I’ll be fine. Gimme a few days and I’ll be right as rain. Now, was there something you wanted to talk to me about?” The golden unicorn nodded numbly, gesturing with a free hoof towards the table.

“Please,” she urged. “Sit.” Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the request but moved slowly over to the table nonetheless, his eyes on the princess the whole time. Both ponies ignored the door closing softly, leaving them alone in the room together. Apprehension trickled down the purple earth pony’s spine as he moved closer to the table. He didn’t know why, but it had something to do with being alone with the princess. He knew she had feelings for him, regardless of reason and he had to admit she was attractive. That aside, he was nervous as he sat at the table, his eyes flicking from Amber to the table. An uncomfortable silence settled between the pair, neither of them wanting to begin a conversation.

Amber looked at her dining partner with interest. Purple Heart wasn’t usually this skittish when he was with her and his friends. It struck her then that it was the fact that he was alone with her that made him anxious. She swallowed softly, her eyes never leaving the purple earth pony’s face. A sigh of resignation passed her lips. No point beating around the bush. It’d just make everything more awkward.

“Purple?” she asked, her voice gentle. “Can I ask a personal question? Please don’t panic, I just want to ask a question.” The golden unicorn winced at the panicked widening of Purple Heart’s eyes. He ducked his head in acquiescence, almost squirming under Amber’s gaze. An inhalation later and Amber looked directly into Purple Heart’s cobalt blue eyes. Her eyes were soft as she gazed at him, hoping that she could calm him enough so that he didn’t overreact at her question.

“Do you have-,” she hesitated. Purple Heart arched a nervous eyebrow. “Do you… Do you have feelings for me?” Purple Heart blanched. Princess Amber swore under her breath but kept her face blank. She watched as the purple earth pony swallowed, his eyes glazing over as he considered the question. Apprehension began to settle in the princess’ stomach. If Purple Heart didn’t have feelings, she would be in trouble. Sure, they could pretend, but it would be easier if they shared romantic views of each other. Purple Heart closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, drawing Amber from her thoughts to watch the purple earth pony in silence. He exhaled, opening his eyes and Amber’s stomach flip-flopped.

“I have to admit,” Purple Heart mused, his eyes gentle and sparking with something that Amber couldn’t quite put her hoof on, “I do have feelings that might be reminiscent of romantic views.” Amber couldn’t help it. She giggled.

“What?” the purple earth pony asked, his voice changing to one of playful innocence. “Am I grammatically amusing?” Amber’s stomach flopped again when Purple Heart smiled. This was so out of character for the purple earth pony. He obviously kept this side to him hidden as she had never seen it before. She would definitely have to find out why he hid it.

“Yes, you are,” she confirmed, a smile curving her lips. “I’m glad we share mutual feelings for each other. It will make this easier.” As quickly as Purple Heart’s charming disposition had revealed itself, it disappeared behind a mask of hard interest.

“Ho?” he grunted. “Explain.” Amber reeled back mentally at the harshness of his tone. Guilt flooded her as she looked at the purple earth pony who held her interest. The golden unicorn glanced around, sent a pulse of magic out to check for listeners, and when she found none, leaned forward.

“There is a plotting pony that wants the throne,” Amber whispered. “I am in the way. Somepony told me that they need to kill me to help this other pony but they don’t intend to. Instead, they want me to draw as much attention to myself to occupy the plotting pony so that they don’t see the counter move against them from the pony sent to kill me.” She half expected Purple Heart’s eyes to cross in an attempt to decipher the explanation she gave. To her surprise, he merely nodded and gestured for her to continue.

“To draw attention to myself, the pony who had to kill me suggested I get several rumors started about me as well as take excursions out into public and make alliances with the royals in court,” Amber continued.

“Hence your request to know my feelings,” Purple Heart muttered. Amber nodded, her eyes averted. Her head lifted, Purple Heart’s uninjured hoof under her chin. She stared into his eyes, entranced by the wisdom and passion in those blue orbs. “Know this: we will try to make this real. I will not operate under the thought that I will be cast aside like some broken toy if we survive this. We will either make this work, or agree that it won’t.” Tears formed at the corners of Amber’s eyes. She nodded in agreement, a smile forming on her face. A sigh passed her lips when she felt Purple Heart’s hoof brush them away before leaning back, a handsome smile on his own face.

“So,” the purple earth pony smiled. “Shall we eat?” Amber nodded and clopped her hooves together. A side door opened to reveal several ponies laden with platters of food. A basket of bread when betwixt them while bowls of fruit and plates of vegetables went directly in front of the diners. Rounding off the meal were several layers of assorted pastries and two glasses of tangy juice. As the ponies departed, Amber and Purple Heart sat silently, waiting for the servers to leave. Neither diner noticed the pink-haired head that peaked passed the swinging doors into the room as the servers left.

Amber took a chance. She used her magic to lift a slice of fruit and brought it close to Purple Heart’s lips.

“Open,” she ordered gently, her eyes sparkling mischievously. “Your leg is in no state to hold food, so I’ll feed you.” Purple Heart smiled cheekily and opened his maw only to close it on the fruit slice.

“I could get used to this,” he chuckled as he chewed, “darling.”

Pinkie Pie blinked and bit her tongue, trying to keep silent as she slid away. Things would be getting interesting now. Of that the party pony was certain.

* * *

“Did you hear about that new arena fighter?”

“The purple earth pony? I heard he got the living crap beaten out of hi-”

“Not that! About him and the Princess!”

“Who? Amber Glitter?”

“I heard he saved her from bandits on the road.”

“I heard he and the young princess spent some time together after his last fight.”

“So?”

“They spent time together alone.”

“Oh? ...Ohhhhhhhh.”

“Wait, Amber Glitter’s in love with her gladiator?”

“I heard-”

“My friend said-”

“What do you think, Chancellor?”

Chancellor Holdfast kept a calm smile on his face as he listened to the nobleponies around him. “I make it my policy not to make judgements on the goings-on of Princesses.” He added an extra bit of smirk. “Or that of arena fighters, for that matter.” Somepony like him had no reason to engage in unfounded rumors with no value to them.

If they are entirely unfounded, he thought, his mind driving away from the idle chatter of those around him. It wouldn’t be entirely unheard of for a patron to have some form of feelings for their fighter; especially for a young mare like the Princess. Gears turned inside the snow-colored stallion’s mind, with more and more focus being pulled away from the conversation. The question, in that case, is why? Simple puppy love? Or something perhaps a bit more than that? A small frown worked its way onto his face. Perhaps I should look into these rumors further…

“Chancellor?”

Holdfast blinked, bringing his attention back to the current situation. “My apologies, my mind was elsewhere.”

“What do you think of the rumor’s about a monster being in the city Chancellor?”

“A monster?” Holdfast thought for a moment, the image of Wits End’s face popping unbidden into his mind. He and his friends used a Timberwolf to fight bandits, he thought. Could that boy have gotten himself found out? “With so many rumors in such a short time, I’m afraid I’ll need a little more than that to go on.” Holdfast resumed his smile. “A supposed monster could just as easily be an excuse for somepony’s mistress running out of them, after all.”

“I’d heard that it was stalking the town during the recent ball.”

“I’d heard it stood on two legs! What manner of creature stands on two legs?”

Holdfast frowned again. If it happened that early, it’s unlikely that boy was responsible. Which means something is happening I’m not aware of. “I’ll certainly look into it as soon as I can.”

“That is much appreciated Chancellor, I for one will rest more comfortably knowing you are on top of this as usual.”

Holdfast bowed his head slightly. “Of course. One of my duties as Chancellor is to root out any dangerous elements.” Somepony skulking around could mean a spy in our midst, he thought to himself. Or worse: the scouts of a Changeling hive. Best to deal with this mysterious creature before anything else. “After all,” he continued with a chuckle, “we wouldn’t want anything to happen to our dear King, now would we?”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End

Chapter 43: What could possibly go wrong, right, Murphy? Want some popcorn?

“So, that’s where we stand,” Wits End finished, having recapped their findings for the assembled ponies. “Not only is King Bastion setting up to go to war, but as it stands now, he’ll have the support of the nobility when he does it.”

Twilight nodded in agreement. “It looks like the best we can do is to try and implicate him to weaken his position; try to delay until we can get some real proof.”

Amber furrowed her brow, considering the facts set before her. “How would we go about implicating him short of telling the entire ruling class of what he intends? If anything, I’d think they’d agree with his intent to gather more land. It’d give them reason to want more for themselves.”

“Only if they can profit from it.” Wits End shook his head. “If it looks like the nobility is going to war for selfish reasons, it opens the peasantry up to revolution. If we can make it look like siding with Bastion is more costly than it’s worth, the nobility will flip like a pancake.” The mint-colored stallion’s stomach growled. “Oh, shush, you.” Amber’s lips quirked at the sound.

“And how do you propose going about doing that?” she asked. “Without eliciting attention from Bastion?”

“A scathing news report?” Light Patch asked.

“We’ll have ta be subtle,” Applejack mused.

Twilight smirked. “Funny coming from you.”

“Hey!”

“We’ll think of a way,” Wits said. “Worst case scenario, we make something up to tie things up for a while. After all, rumor are always a good way to spread confidential information.”

“Speaking of rumors,” Twilight interjected, “I heard through the grapevine that you and Purple Heart were-”

“Kiss kiss, fall in love!” Light Patch started to sing before Rainbow Dash quickly cut him off.

“No singing,” the mare said, glaring at the stallion while holding his mouth shut.

Amber Glitter blushed at the lyrics and nodded to Twilight in affirmation. “Yes. We are attempting at a romantic relationship. I asked him after his last bout.”

Wits End simply smiled. “Well, I wish the two of you the very best.”

“That’s surprisingly mature of you,” Twilight said, her tone one of suspision.

“Oh, I’m absolutely gonna mock P.H. mercilessly. But mocking Amber is no fun without a common history.”

“I should’ve figured… Speaking of surprise,” Twilight turned to Pinkie Pie, “I’m surprised you haven’t jumped on this yet, Pinkie.” The party mare spasmed and started cramming a bunch of papers into her hair before turning around.

“Jumped on what?” she asked innocently.

“Purple Heart and Amber… Never mind.” Twilight sighed. “It’s probably safer this way.” She turned back to arena below them. “Purple Heart’s fight should be starting soon. If he wins this one, he’ll be free again.”

Amber nodded. “I just hope that he doesn’t get too banged up this time.”

Wits stared at the princess. “...Really? Have you not watched the last four fights?”

“We’ve been too busy asking questions and chewing gum, or stuff like that,” Light Patch deadpanned. With a roll of her eyes, the Princess nodded.

“He’s probably gone in underestimating his opponent,” she mused, raising a hoof to forestall any retorts. “I’m not saying he’s doing it on purpose, I do truly care for him. But he is stubborn. I realized that when I first met him.”

“Yep, he usually does take bullheaded as a trait.” The grey pegasus paused for a moment. “Bullheaded is a DnD trait right?”

“Um…” Wits frowned. “I don’t… know...”

Twilight sighed. “This fight can’t start soon enough…”

* * *

Purple Heart rolled his shoulders, trying to loosen his taut muscles in an attempt to ready himself for the coming fight. For perhaps the billionth time, he cursed Wits End. It was the irritating unicorn’s fault that Purple Heart was saddled with Amber as her bodyguard until further notice. Course, the golden princess herself had had a hoof in his predicament. While Wits End had seconded her request for the purple earth pony to become her bodyguard, it was King Bastion who had made the position official.

“Welcome, ladies and gentlecolts!” the game announcer boomed. “You may know of the Purple Barbarian who protects the Princess! His astonishing defeat of the Braek Brothers was surprising to say the least and his handy beating of Big Ban was the stuff of legend! I’m sure you were all impressed at how well he defeated the Gallopilli Lancers! But now, he must face a new foe!” Purple Heart frowned as the crowd outside roared. The announcer was certainly pumping the audience up for some blood.

“A new stallion from the East has traveled far and wide looking for a worthy opponent!” the game announcer continued. “Nopony knows his face as he has never been seen without his flaming helm! Ladies and gentlecolts! Allow me to introduce to you for the first time and hopefully for many more to come, Grim Hammer!” The crowed roared again, obviously at the appearance of Purple Heart’s opponent. The reaction was always the same. Always the same bloodlust. It disgusted the purple earth pony to no end. Every time he came to do battle for his freedom, the crowd always supported the other pony. Mostly. Specifically, the ponies in the ruling class.

“And now!” the game announcer bellowed. “The Purple Barbarian!” Sighing contemptuously, Purple Heart trotted out of the Pits, met by a mixture of booing from the royals and cheers from the common-ponies and lower members of Gallopilli’s society.

“Go get ‘em lad,” one of the gladiators behind him grunted.

“Good luck,” another said. Purple Heart smiled grimly and nodded. He respected the gladiators. They were simple, humble folk with no delusions of grandeur apart from the small chance that they could win their freedom. Sure, twice during his stay in Gallopilli, a fighter had come to the Coliseum with hopes of bringing wealth and glory to his name.

The noises of the crowd became infinitely more apparent now that he was surrounded by them. Looking instinctively, Purple Heart saw the Princess sitting in her royal box with the Mane Six and two colts. The surrounded boxes were filled with foreign dignitaries and local royals, all eager to witness the combat they desired. Several bones cracked as Purple Heart rolled his head and turned to face his opponent as he walked deeper into the arena. He froze. And then he blanched. Fear pulsed through him as he took in his opponent’s appearance.

“Oh Emperor,” he whispered, his eyes wide. “Why do you hate me so?” Standing opposite him was something that could only be found in the deepest, most vague and chaotic parts of his imagination. A large pony covered in black armor that was riddled with cracks like a volcano stood passively near his gate. Verdant green flames erupted intermittently from the cracks, matching in time with the pony’s breathing. A massive hammer stood near the pony, flames licking up from its head just like the cracks in his armor. Calling this pony a flaming hot mess was no great stretch. Then again, it would be dangerous to call this being as such.

Appearance-wise, the other pony was something to definitely be wary of. But there was more. The aura that the pony radiated was one of pure, unadulterated rage. Rage that could bring forth a being to carry and host it wherever it need go. What’s more, Purple Heart had the niggling feeling that he knew this pony. It seemed...familiar...like he had some kind of relation to it.

Purple Heart’s thoughts were interrupted by the gong sounding, signalling the begin of combat. He blinked in surprise as Grim Hammer rocketed forward, leaving its weapon standing still in the dust. Early in his battles, Purple Heart had learned that the combat in the arena followed no rules or structure. The best term to give such combat would be ‘Free-Formed.’ No lists, no grid, no turns, just two ponies duking it out until one was bashed beyond recognition. A small thought shivered at the back of the purple earth pony’s mind as he crouched to receive his opponent’s attack.

I won’t win this.

The impact was earthshaking. While Purple Heart had experienced the adrenaline rush of sports before, he had never felt so alive as he was now. With a grunt of exertion, he uncrossed his forelegs from in front of his face and pushed the Hammer back. The large black pony flipped away before darting back in to attack.

“Time to move,” Purple Heart murmured. He clenched his teeth and flexed his haunches, waiting for the opportune moment. When it came, he wasted no time. The Hammer landed, creating a small crater where Purple Heart had once been and turned its helmeted head skywards, tracking its adversary. High above, silhouetted against the mid-morning sun, was the purple earth pony. When he landed, a cloud of sand erupted up from where he stood. Air hissed through Purple Heart’s teeth as he inhaled and exhaled, sweat dripping from his forehead as he waited for some kind of sign from his adversary that would herald an attack.

Hammer turned and stared mutely at the purple earth pony, as if planning its next course of action. Purple Heart gave a tight smile and charged forward, intent on interrupting the pony’s planning phase. When he was within ten feet of his opponent, the purple earth pony leapt up and fell towards the black pony, his elbow cocked at its face. Clenching his torso for the coming impact that would certainly jar his entire frame, Purple Heart fell hard and fast. The hit came...

And Grim Hammer crumbled.

Purple Heart’s eyes grew in surprise as the black armor disintegrated beneath his elbow into a pile of fine black dust with a helm resting crookedly upon it like some molten crown reminiscent of a fallen dark lord.

Grim Hammer was defeated.

And yet...it seemed too easy...

* * *

Wits End lept to his hooves, leaning halfway out of the box to point at what had appeared to be a fight to the death. “Ash nazg durbatulûk! Ash nazg gimbatul!”

The Mane Six plus Amber looked at the pinto colt in confusion, wary of the darkening cloud sitting almost directly above Wits End.

“What was that?” Amber asked, her attention drawn from Purple Heart’s apparent victory.

“Black magic,” Wits explained as Fluttershy pulled him back from the edge. “Black magical shenanigans of the highest order. Hopefully I still have my mortal soul after that bit.”

“Ah’m sorry,” Applejack said slowly, “but did Purple Heart just vaporize a flaming warrior from Tartarus?”

“It was more of a disintegration, but yes, yes he did,” Light Patch said, throwing another hoof-full of popcorn in his mouth.

“How though?” Twilight queried. “He just fell to pieces; quite literally! All his other fights went on for at least twenty minutes. Was this one a dud?”

Light Patch was about to take more popcorn when his many years of gaming caught up to him. With a startled gasp, he jumped towards the railing, “Watch for his second form!” the stallion shouted at the top of his lungs. “Final bosses never end with only one stage!”

“Don’t breath him in!” Wits added. “He might be planning to take you out from the inside!”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at the stallions. “You guys are nuts.”

“But he’s right,” Amber whispered, pointing at the pile of ash as a tongue of emerald flame sprang forth. “Something is happening. What is happening?” She turned to look at Wits End, her face a mask of concern.

“Uh…” Wits stared down at the arena. “Black magical shenanigans.”

* * *

With an expression of horror and fear etched into his features, Purple Heart watched as Grim Hammer re-integrated itself into its original burning form. Of course it had multiple stages. Apparently, it was a mini-boss of some sort. There was no way this...being was a final boss. The purple earth pony’s thoughts were interrupted when a voice sighed in contentment. Looking up, Purple Heart saw a fully formed earth pony, complete with flaming armor and blazing emerald eyes. Its helm had remained on the ground, forgotten by the regenerating earth pony. Remarkably, there were no nostrils on its face, nor was the nose pronounced as it should have been.

“Aaaah,” the earth pony sighed. “Much better.” It looked up, its eyes bright against its darkened face. “Bael sends his regards.” Purple Heart frowned at the name. He thought it was familiar. It sounded like...

“Who?” he asked. Grim Hammer sighed and ran a hoof through its mane of flickering flames.

“Your progeny,” the burning pony said, raising its right hoof towards Purple Heart. “He can’t wait to meet you.” Purple Heart cocked his head to the right in confusion, a frown creasing his brow. That singular motion of angling his head unintentionally saved him from a mushy fate. The hammer that had been standing straight up since the beginning of the fight whipped past Purple Heart’s head, ruffling his mane in its passing. The purple earth pony went stock still, his eyes wide with fear as the gravity of the situation hit him.

He was right.

He couldn’t win this.

Not without a miracle.

Two tense seconds passed during which the two earth ponies stared at each other, waiting for the other to make a move. Ironically, they moved at the same time, both charging forward in an attempt to catch the other off guard. They clashed, hooves on hammer, sending sparks flying and embers sailing. Purple Heart pummeled Grim Hammer with a flurry of blows. Every so often, one of the strikes would clip the burnt earth pony, rocking him off balance. All the while, the crowd roared in excitement, egging the two combatants on. No insults were being thrown about now. Mare and stallion alike merely wanted to see what these two paragons of combat could do to each other.

Grim Hammer grinned when one of of his hammer blows struck Purple Heart on a flank, sending the purple earth pony back several yards. Gritting his teeth in annoyance, Purple Heart leapt up, twisting his body so that his hindlegs were aimed at his adversary.

“Nail Kick!” he barked, firing off his shotgun-type attack. He landed, facing away from Grim Hammer. Torquing his midsection, he turned and darted towards his opponent, intent on catching the other earth pony off guard. To his luck, the burnt pony was reeling back, his flaming eyes wide in a semblance of surprise. Purple Heart allowed a tight smirk to curve his lips as he punched his enemy right in the chops. Purple Heart blinked as Grim Hammer’s face unexpectedly caved in on itself, puffing out everything that was on fire. A second of silence passed as the entire Coliseum stared at the doused earth pony. Then his face reformed, his muzzle mere inches from Purple Heart’s hoof. Hammer furrowed his brow and reached up to rub the crown of his head.

“Whoa, is my hair out?”

* * *

“This is getting interesting,” Wits End muttered, leaning forward in his seat. “It looks like P.H. and the Hammer are evenly matched. It might come down to whoever gets lucky first.”

“Isn’t there some way for Purple Heart to get the upper hoof?” Twilight asked.

“There’s plenty of ways,” Wits said, “but the arena removes the environmental effects he could use in this case.” He watched the two fighters clash. “He might have to pull a shōnen protagonist and use sheer willpower.”

“Is that possible?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Winning out of sheer willpower? I mean, magic I could understand, but using hooves alone with just a little moral help? Even I can’t do that.”

Wits End shook his head. “You’re underestimating him. Purple Heart’s a barbarian. Willpower is his bread, butter, jam, and nutella.” The unicorn’s stomach growled again. “Oh, stop it, you.”

Fluttershy cocked her head. “Nutella?”

“It’s a- hmm.” Wits frowned. “I’ll explain after the match. Just watch. Something’ll happen. Probably a good thing. Maybe.”

“You don’t exactly seem confident,” Amber Glitter muttered.

“Well, there’s two ways this can go down.” Wits End tapped the arm of his seat. “One is that Purple Heart harnesses his chi, aligns his chakras, and believes in the heart of the cards, and that’s enough to give him the edge he needs to win.”

Twilight frowned. “None of those things you said made any sense. What’s the other option?”

The mint-colored unicorn bit his lower lip. “That this is a supposed-to-lose fight, and P.H. never had a chance to begin with.”

Fluttershy swallowed nervously. “What happens then?’

“Then?” Wits End’s expression turned sour. “Then we see if the janitor will help us scrape up what’s left of our barbarian.”

* * *

With a sigh, Grim Hammer placed a hoof over his nose and blew. Flames blossomed to life upon the earth pony’s head, covering the once bald pate with a mane of crackling flames. A grin tugged at the corners of his mouth as he looked at Purple Heart. “Now, where were we?”

Purple Heart just stared and he soon regretted his inaction. Another sigh passed Hammer’s lips and his hammer shot forward, catching the Purple Barbarian square in the chest. Neither stopped as the hammer carried its unfortunate target across the Coliseum sand to where they both stopped against the arena wall. A spiderweb of cracks radiated outwards at the point of impact. The crowd roared in approval and cheers rocked the stands. One royal in particular grinned gleefully at the attack. Surely, the Purple Barbarian couldn’t last much longer against such a powerful opponent. Unfortunately for Heavy Wait, he thought too soon.

The cloud of dust that had been kicked up by the flying weapon and pony settled, revealing a kneeling purple earth pony, his hoof resting on the hammer beside him. A grunt of pain could be heard as Purple Heart clambered to his hooves, taking the hammer with him. He didn’t notice the look of interest flash across Hammer’s face at his action. Panting heavily, Purple Heart looked up, narrowing his eyes at his adversary.

The purple earth pony opened his mouth to make a snippy retort but was forestalled by a stab of pain that shot through his flank. Gritting his teeth against the pain, he sucked a breath of air and exhaled it in a whoosh, sending the sweat covered sand dancing about his hooves.

“Activate ‘Fury’ skill,” Purple Heart gasped. Energy flooded through him in a massive wave. Several more pulses rocked his body, nearly sending him to his knees, but he bit his lip and stood strong in indignation. Little did he know that he was proving his friend right: willpower was a thing and it certainly kept him standing, despite that irrationality and questionable mechanics of the theory.

Grim Hammer cocked his head to one side, impressed by how the purple earth pony had regained much of his spent strength. Perhaps Bael one was right in sending him to learn more of this purple earth pony. The burnt pony’s thoughts were interrupted by a violent rush of air whip past his face, sending his flaming mane billowing from the draft.

He turned to see Purple Heart rushing towards him. He sighed again and clucked in disapproval. “Now that was rude,” he chided. “That was a near miss.”

“A near miss?!” the purple earth pony snapped, kicking out with a foreleg. “A hit is a near miss! If anything, that was a near hit! Geez!” While he ranted, he continued to rain a flurry of blows down on the burnt pony, only to have each blocked with relative ease.

“And stay still!” the Purple Barbarian growled. “I have to win this!”

“What if you can’t?” Grim Hammer asked innocently. “We both know the outcome. It just has to happen.” Purple Heart smiled, his expression tight with concentration.

“I have several points in ‘Stubborn’,” he quipped. “I don’t give up easily.”

“So I’ve noticed,” the blackened earth pony mused, blocking a dangerously close strike to his shoulder. Slowly but surely, he was slowing down. Loath as he was to admit it, the Purple Barbarian was a tough opponent. This was further proven when he felt more than saw that blinding yellow light that slammed into his chest.

Huh, Hammer mused. I didn’t see that coming. That was his last thought before blackness overtook him as he rammed forcibly into the arena wall behind him.

Purple Heart panted from the exertion of using the Jan, Ken, Hufu, watching as his stamina bar emptied completely. If Grim Hammer got back up from that attack, Purple Heart would have to continue without the benefit of high power attacks. As he watched the burnt pony slump to the arena sand, he prayed that this was the last form.

* * *

“So,” Rainbow Dash flopped back in her seat, “now is it over?”

“Maaaaaaybe?” Wits End thought for a moment. “We’ve had the Lord of Darkness, the Lord of the Dead… What could be next?”

“Lord of the Flies?” Pinkie Pie offered. “Lord of Lies? Lord of Pies? Or Spies? Or Surprise?”

Amber looked down at the coliseum floor, ignoring the conversation going on beside her. She sincerely hoped that Purple Heart’s fight was over. If only that blackened pony stayed down.

“Is it truly over?” she whispered, loudly enough for only Wits End and Twilight to hear her. Her voice trembled with the fear that hoping it was would be in vain. “Has he won?” She wanted to be assured that it was, but she didn’t want to hope.

“Unlikely, Dash. If he’s a boss battle worth his weight in salt, he’s gotta come back at least once more,” Light Patch noted, addressing the cyan pegasus. “You know, rule of three or something like that.” The Princess swallowed upon hearing Light Patch, looking to Wits End, a silent plea on her face.

Wits sighed. “Until he stops getting up, there’s no way to tell. Patchy’s right; lots of game tropes use the rule of three, so we might be seeing another stage here.” He turned back to the arena. “Only one way to find out…” Amber followed his example and looked down at the purple earth pony. What she saw made her freeze in horror.

* * *

Incredible… Simply incredible…

What is incredible?

This ‘Purple Heart’ you told me of. He is truly a fascinating creature. A most powerful opponent. I’m very grateful that you sent me to I find him.

Really? Does he know of me yet?

I gave him a hint of a sort. I’m sure he’ll know of you soon.

Good. I cannot wait to meet him.

What should I do? He’s beaten me into unconsciousness twice now. And he blew out my hair.

Teach him a lesson then. But do not kill him. Put some fear into him. But do. Not. Kill. Him.

Understood. Actually, I also found a rather interesting pony here aside from Purple Heart.

Really? Do tell…

* * *

Fear and panic raced through Purple Heart’s body as he watched the pony he had beaten twice in a row stand up with no difficulty. He didn’t know why he was surprised. This was as much of a boss battle as any he had seen. Why he was scared and shocked was beyond him.

Maybe it was the roaring flames of emerald that had sparked to life around the burnt pony.

Maybe it was the heavy presence that permeated the air, brought on by some undeniably powerful will.

Maybe it was the relaxed, non-aggressive posture of his opponent as it stalked forward.

As it turned out, all reasons were true. Purple Heart looked up at the once again newly formed Grim Hammer with blatant horror.

“Well,” the towering blackened pony rumbled. “This is unusual. I didn’t think this would work.” Had Purple Heart not been scared out of his mind, he would have made a retort. He would have gone on a rant about how this was a fairly serious situation and defusing it was pointless. He would have berated his opponent for such a blatant disregard for the situation.

But he couldn’t.

He was trapped in his own mind, cursing a particular draconequus for his games. Weakly, the purple earth pony walked slowly forward, hoping that this one last ditch effort would be sufficient. But he knew it wouldn’t. He had spent too much energy. Further, the backlash from using the ‘Fury’ skill was taking its toll.

“Jan, ken, hufu!” Purple Heart roared with as much grit and energy as he could muster. The light grew, enveloping his hoof. Hammer looked on with interest and simply raised a hoof, placing it directly in the glowing hoof’s path. Purple Heart torqued his body and snapped his foreleg around. The two hooves made contact…

And Purple Heart crumpled, completely void of energy while the glowing attack merely poofed away, rendered harmless.

The crowd stared, struck dumb.

The massive burnt pony clicked his tongue. “Tch. Pitiful.” To the horror of the audience and the gleeful happiness of the royals, Grim Hammer walked around to stand beside the unconscious Purple Barbarian. For several tense seconds, he looked down at the defeated gladiator. Then he raised his hammer high above his head.

“Fore!” he boomed, whirling the hammer around to slam into Purple Heart’s slumped form. A sickening crunch echoed around the arena as the purple earth pony was hurled across the arena to land hard against the wall. A smear of blood appeared as Purple Heart slid down the arena wall to fall into a hole leading to the gladiator cages.

Stunned silence reigned around the Gallopilli Coliseum.

Then, a mare screamed.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 44: Death Should Not Have Taken Thee

After Amber’s scream silence reigned through the arena, for most it was a moment of silence. For most of the Mane Six, it was them simply trying to process the fact that one of their friends might be dead. Light Patch was stunned that Discord had let it go as far as it had. Dark as it might sound, broken toys aren’t nearly as fun. But broken doesn’t mean dead, the thought rang like a trumpet in Light Patch’s mind calling him to action. With speed that would have impressed Rainbow Dash, he lept into the air and dove through the hole his friend had been blasted through.

Amber had barely even been aware that she had screamed; she felt numb through her whole body. She didn’t even flinch when a grey feather brushed past her muzzle. She simply stared down at the arena wall, blind to all around her as her mind went blank, save one devastating truth:

Purple Heart was dead. It was impossible for him to have survived such a blow. Even if he had, his time left in this world was short. Absurdly so.

Try as she might, she just couldn’t seem to register the reality of the situation. Since meeting the purple earth pony what seemed like a lifetime ago, she had fallen under the illusion that he, and his friends to a greater extent, were invulnerable. While Purple Heart’s first bouts, along with the message she had received from Wits End regarding Holdfast’s intentions, had rattled her belief that they could do no wrong, they hadn’t truly been shattered.

Until now.

In contrast, Wits End’s mind was racing. His eyes danced between Grim Hammer and the hole Purple Heart—and now Light Patch—had disappeared into. He too couldn’t believe Purple Heart was defeated, or more accurately, he refused to do so. A plan was forming inside his brain. One based around a single assumption: Purple Heart could not be dead. Suddenly, he stood, quickly and silently moving out of the spectator’s box despite the half-formed questions from the Mane Six.

Twilight shifted her attention between Amber, the departing Wits End, the hole that Purple Heart and later Light Patch and gone through, and her close friends. As it happened, right at that moment, the entire Coliseum chose to speak at the exact same time. A wave of sound swept over anything that Twilight was about to say, muting her successfully. Amber, being of a certain magical discipline, used her magic to carry herself over the rioting masses down to the arena floor. As soon as her hooves touched the sweat and blood soaked sand, she galloped through the hole in the wall.

“Um...” Fluttershy hummed weakly. “What now?”

“I don’t know,” Pinkie said, looking at her friends. “What do you think we should do Twilight?”

The purple alicorn shook her head to clear it and looked at her friends. “First, let’s check on Purple Heart,” she decided. “If he’s alive, he’ll need all the healing he can get.”

“And if he’s not?” Rarity asked softly. None of the mares wanted to think of what they would do if the purple earth pony hadn’t survived. In silent agreement, they left the box, intent on descending to the infirmary where they knew Purple Heart would be headed.

Meanwhile, two guards stood at the entrance to the coliseum’s arena, flanking the gate that separated the waiting area from where the fighting occurred. “Sounds like somepony got beat,” one said nonchalantly.

“Sounds like somepony earned their pay to me,” the other replied with a chuckle. “This fight was the prisoner, right? He probably got his face bashed in by- Hey! You there!” The two guards straightened up as the mint-colored unicorn approached. “No-ponies allowed in the arena while a fight is...” He trailed off. There was something about the glint in the advancing stallion’s eyes that seemed to send a warning.

Wits End stood at the gate, eyes focused straight ahead. “Open this gate,” he said flatly, without looking at either guard.

The first guard swallowed. “N-no-ponies allowed-”

He was frozen by a glare from the unicorn. “I said,” Wits repeated slowly, “Open. This. Gate.”

A moment later, Wits End stepped out onto the arena; the air still filled with the deafening sounds of the crowd. Without breaking his stride, he walked to the exact center of the coliseum. The roaring crowd lessened slightly, wondering whether this newcomer was a challenger or not. Grim Hammer shaft head tilted to look over his shoulder at the pea-sized unicorn walking towards him. A chuckle emanated from the massive earth pony, causing the coliseum audience to shiver into silence.

“May I help you, little one?” the flaming green behemoth rumbled, its tone oozing curiosity.

Wits End barely spared a glance to the mountain of a pony. “You can,” he said calmly, raising his voice just enough for those in the crowd to hear, but low enough that they would pay attention to hear him. “You can explain, in great detail, the exact nature of this incredible farse, you overblown ashpile.” Grim Hammer turned to face the mint-colored pinto full one, his head cocked to one side as he considered the demand and insult.

“Farse?” he mused softly. His voice still managed to reach all reaches of the Coliseum.

“Too many words for that cinder you call a brain?” Wits smirked, turning his back on Grim Hammer. “Then I’ll explain. And I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, to accommodate that dense tinderbox you call a skull. Explain how you cheated to win, you charred, blackened pig.”

Blink.

Pause.

Blink. A snorted laugh.

“You are a rather gutsy little colt, are you not?” Hammer rumbled amusedly. “Tell me; how do you think I cheated? I am not admitting that I did, but it is possible. Enlighten us.” The black and green earth pony waved a hoof at the expectant crowd. All eyes were on the pinto unicorn now.

“Then I will.” Wits shot a look back at Grim Hammer. “Do try to pay attention, pig.” He turned back, projecting his voice to the crowd. “Purple Heart has been undefeated in every battle he’s fought in so far. No enemy was enough take him down.” He glanced back again. “Of course, you already knew that. There was no way you could take him on.” The unicorn paused for a moment. “Or, perhaps I should say ‘the three of you’.

“The coliseum's rules on magic are fairly lax. Nothing that can threaten the crowd, no killing curses; nothing that would end a fight too fast to be entertaining. And of course, no swapping out fighters in the middle of a match.” Wits turned to face the burnt pony. “Of course, it’s not against the rules unless you get caught, isn’t it?” Cocking his head to one side, Hammer merely blinked slowly down at the smaller stallion. A minute nod of agreement later and Wits was back to talking.

Wits began pacing. “Consider this: everypony loves to see something new in a fight. Something big. Something impressive. And what could be more impressive than the penultimate match for a undefeated gladiator not only a powerful foe, but one who could change his form just when he seemed defeated.”

The mint-colored pinto wasn’t even bothering to look at Hammer now. “First, a large, imposing fighter to build up the crowd. His immediate defeat builds suspense. The crowd wonders why such a fight could end so quickly. Then, a bit of creative transmutation; create a distraction, and replace your first fighter with a more charismatic substitute. The crowd is impressed, of course. Perfect for building up excitement.

“The two fighters go at each other. Almost evenly matched, but not quite. But of course, victory was never his purpose. Instead, his goal is to wear the almost legendary fighter down before his inevitable defeat. Then, another substitution.” Wits turned, smirking up at the towering earth pony. “And that’s where you come in, matchstick. A weakened opponent, no matter how powerful they were at the start, would be no match for a fully rested fighter. The undefeatable gladiator is defeated, to the surprise and excitement of the crowd. A clever plan, wouldn’t you say?”

The audience was baffled at the descriptive and detailed explanation put forward by Wits End. Most had confused expressions on their faces while some of the more clever spectators were nodding along in agreement, looking at Grim Hammer, expectantly awaiting his confirmation or denial.

The burned pony in question looked down at Wits End in silence for several seconds before he finally shook his head.

“You only got the last part right,” he said. “But yes. I ‘cheated’ as you so eloquently put it.” He turned away, looking at the gaping crowd of ponies above. “I only came here with one thought in mind: find the Purple Barbarian. And I did.” The crowd began to whisper amongst each other and Grim Hammer turned back to regard Wits End, a bemused light evident in his flaming red eyes.

“You are correct in the assumption that I Substituted in two ‘fighters’,” the burnt behemoth agreed. The audience could hear the air quotes in his tone. “As for the ‘transmutation’ you spoke of, I merely reintegrated myself. Healing is a curious thing when you learn what it can truly do.”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. “And yet, you’ve all but confessed.”

“And why would I not?” Grim Hammer asked. “I was ordered to find the Purple Barbarian, nothing else. As I am to understand his situation, he has to win five bouts in a row in the Gallopilli Coliseum to gain his freedom. I wholeheartedly want him to have his freedom.”

Wits End blinked. “What?” Hammer continued.

“Bael wants to meet the Purple Barbarian,” he rumbled. “Rather difficult if he is a prisoner of the pitiful excuses called Royalty that imprison him. Further, Bael cannot meet his creator if he is dead now, can he?”

“Say wha-”

Grim Hammer turned to the announcer’s box. “I forfeit the match to Purple Heart.” The Coliseum went deathly quiet, stunned at the declaration. Grim Hammer ignored the dumbstruck looks and turned back to Wits End. “Bael looks forward to meeting you and your’s, Young Colt. I look forward to it as well.” Before the mint-colored pinto could retort or say anything witty, Grim Hammer disintegrated again. And this time, he stayed that way as he was carried from the arena on a convenient breeze, up and over the walls into the sky above.

Wits End stood in the stunned silence for a moment. “Guess I won,” he muttered with a sniff. He glanced up at the crowd, half-expecting a roar of ponies calling for Grim Hammer’s head. Instead, he was met by silence from the commonponies, and a disturbing amount of disinterest from the nobility. Focusing in on the royal box, he could make out a few disappointed, almost angry looks on the nobles. “Or… maybe not yet.” Out of nowhere, he was struck with a sudden realization. “Oh yeah, Purple Heart!” He spun and dashed away.

* * *

Light Patch hit the ground hard and skidded some before falling over and coming to a full stop next to his friend. He shifted quick and carefully rolled Purple Heart onto his back. Light Patch winced at the bruising and blood he could make out through his friend’s coat. The cleric carefully laid his head onto Purple Heart’s chest; he could just barely make out a faint sound. To make sure it wasn’t his own heart he was hearing, he held his ear over Purple Hearts mouth to check for breathing. It was faint, but it was there. A perfectly good worry wasted, Light Patch thought with a half hearted chuckle and a few tears. After a silent thanks to any gods listening, Light Patch burned through all of his healing magic.

“Is he all right?” a panicked voice asked from behind the grey pegasus.

Light Patch, completely unaware anypony was behind him, tried to whirl around in surprise. Unfortunately for him, he also had his wings try to send him flying, and his legs trying to send him jumping to the side. All of that added up to the stallion prone on the floor, next to his friend and peaking from under the rim of his helmet. “Oh hey, didn’t hear you come in,” he said as calmly as he could with his heart pounding away. “He’s alive. Now we’ve just got to get him to the infirmary.”

Amber nodded, unshed tears clinging to her eyelashes. “I’m going to help clean up so that they can start treating him. Please...make sure he’s looked after.” Not waiting for Light Patch’s answer, the golden unicorn cantered away to help with the cleanup. Some of the orderlies and nurses gawped in surprise at the Princess’ presence. Those expressions evaporated when she snapped at them to help her move rubble and shattered bed frames out of the way.

Light Patch glanced around before he realized that his friend was already in the infirmary. Oh, he thought, glancing at his wounded friend, handy that. After assisting a couple of the doctors move his friend from the floor to an undamaged bed, Light Patch then began assisting with the other wounded. Once all of the wounded were taken care of, the pegasus stallion helped the infirmary staff clear away the bigger chunks of rubble. He dropped the last large piece in the hallway and reentered the room to join the princess next to Purple Heart’s bed. He winced when he got a better view of his friend. Somehow, the bandages make it look worse.

A light blue medic pony was standing by Purple Heart’s bed, his brow furrowed as he looked down at the purple earth pony. He looked up at Light’s approach. “What are you doing in here?” the doctor snapped, his brow creased in irritation.

“Oh, I don’t know. I thought I’d see if I could get a sandwich in here,” Light Patch snapped back. “Or if you’re asking why I was in here after the purple bunker buster blew through the wall, maybe it’s because he’s a friend and I wanted to make sure he was still alive. After all, somepony had to pick up the slack while you lot stood around trying to trap flies with your mouths.” The doctor pony wrinkled his nose in indignation, but gestured for Light Patch to stand beside him

Amber swallowed and put a hoof to her mouth as she looked down at Purple Heart’s severely broken body. “Is he dead?” she asked softly.

“Not yet,” the blue stallion grunted. “And he won’t if I can help it.” He looked over his shoulder at a nurse behind him. “Did you cast a diagnostic spell?”

“Yes, Doctor Nox,” the nurse replied.

“And?” Nox snapped. “Preemptive diagnosis?”

“Not good, sir,” the nurse continued. “He has fourteen broken or fractured bones in his legs and ribs, a spinal fracture, collapsed lung, bruised kidneys, significant bruising on the back, haunches, chest, and forelegs, internal bleeding caused by lacerated spleen, and a major concussion. To be honest, I’m astounded that he’s still alive.”

“Yeah, that’s just about right. Stubborn as a mountain and just about as unbeatable,” the grey stallion quipped. “Is he gonna live to feel all of that in the morning?”

“If I have any say, he’ll be cursing you, me, the world, and probably the grunt who did this to him,” Nox grunted as he looked over to a clump of orderlies by the door. “Get me five mages. This is gonna take a lot of magic to heal.” Nox turned back to Light Patch, his eyes hard. “Is there anything you can think of that’ll speed his healing or at least make his survival more certain?”

“I’ll see if I can garner some support from any gods or goddess listening. And if it’ll help, I’ll lend my own healing magic to the cause,” Light Patch said, trying to think of anything more. “Wait… If you have any healing artifacts, I might have a way to boost its ability.”
Nox looked at one of the orderlies and jerked his head towards a line of cabinets on the wall that had survived Purple Heart’s initial dynamic entry. “The Pellaeon Rod, the Caduceus Tome, and the Tear Gem.” As the orderly darted away, the blue doctor turned his gaze back on Light Patch. “For now, you can augment those. But regardless, do you have anything that will help? If my hearing is still good, somepony isn’t too happy about cheating or something. Your friend may have won even if he got the living daylights beaten out of him. Along with every other bone in his body.”

Light Patch dug through his gear for the Tome of Power, along with anything else useful. He carefully took the artifacts that the orderlies brought him and, using what he felt was an appropriate amount of flourish and mysticism, activated the tome to buff them. All throughout, his mind whirled as it tried to grasp the clue-by-four Discord was using to try and remind him of something. “I can’t think of anything else. You know of anything that could be useful, Amber?” Nox arched an eyebrow at the Princess, curious as to what she had to say.

“I may know of an artefact that can help Purple Heart,” Amber offered. “It’s called the Lady’s Music Box.”

“Worst boss battle ever,” Light Patch muttered under his breath before turning to look at the princess. “So this Lady’s Music Box. Does it grant wishes, or just really powerful healing magic? And where do we have to go to get it?” Nox scoffed.

“It’s an old myth,” the old doctor snorted. “Lady Andrast was a Healer from across the Eastern Sea. Her most prized possession was a little music box. There are a number of stories about what this music box was capable of, but the most well known one dictates that the music of the box could heal the injuries of a patient.” Nox turned his irate gaze on the Princess. “I’m guessing that you know where to acquire this priceless artefact?” Amber nodded, her eyes bright with determination.

“In the catacombs beneath the castle,” she said. Amber turned to Light Patch, a pleading look on her face. “Please help me get the Music Box. For Purple Heart.”

Light Patch sighed. Well, at least this doesn’t sound like it’ll take too long, the grey pegasus thought to himself. It’s also not hunting for information, a small voice in the back of his head noted. “I’m in,” he suddenly chimed in. “The hunt for the for the magical healing MacGuffin begins,” Light Patch shouted. “Best get going now. Sooner we get it, the sooner we can use it,” he finished, practically dragging the princess along at this point. Amber struggled out of the speeding pegasus’ grip and settled into a gallop beside him.

“Do you think we should tell the rest of your friends about this ‘quest’?” she panted.

“We probably should, bu-” Before brown and pink maned pegasus got to finish his sentence, he slammed into another pony. “Oh hi, Dash,” the stallion said while blinking and trying to stop his eyes from spinning around.

“Where are you two headed in such a rush?” Rarity asked, stepping around a now sitting Dash. The cyan pegasus glared at Light Patch as she rubbed her head.

“They wouldn’t know, they certainly weren’t looking while trying to get there,” she muttered darkly.

“We were heading to try and grab a powerful healing item called the Lady’s Music Box, or something like that,” Light Patch said, after finally getting his eyes working properly. “Amber thinks it’s in the catacombs under the castle, which means we’re probably gonna get to hit stuff!” he finished with glee. Twilight and Rarity blinked at their friend’s excited tone. It wasn’t helped by Pinkie’s jumping.

“Ooh!” she squeaked. “Catacombs under the castle! Sounds fun! Can I go with you? I like hitting stuff!”

“Catacombs, huh?” Wits End stepped through door to the infirmary, a bemused look on his face. “What’s this? A dungeon? Will there be one or more dragons? Or maybe it’s a single, endless dungeon.” He jerked a head back toward the infirmary. “By the way, it’s a bit drafty in there.”

Realization flashed across the faces of the Mane Six. “How’s Purple Heart?” Applejack asked. “Is he...”

Light Patch took on a very somber look, “I have good news and bad news,” he said after a moment. “The good news is that he’s still alive, but,” the stallion hesitated for a few moments before he gave a sigh and continued, “I’m afraid, he got even uglier.”

Rarity groaned, kicking the grey pegasus in the stomach. “Have some decorum, won’t you? Purple Heart is gravely injured!” Light Patch fell to the ground writhing in pain and muttering about violence in the system. “Are you alright?” Rarity asked Wits End, ignoring Light Patch’s groans. “What happened with that dreadful stallion?”

Wits End shook his head. “There’s definitely something rotten in Denmarek. That Grim Hammer? He said somepony called Bael looked forward to meeting us, and surrendered the match.” A frown crossed his face. “Purple Heart has his freedom, if he survives.”

“And you two are going to find something to help with that?” Twilight asked, looking at Amber Glitter and Light Patch. The Princess nodded.

“I think Pinkie Pie wants to join us,” she said. “But if she is, we have to leave now. If you have any abilities or healing tools that could help Purple Heart, I’d be very grateful to you if you help him.”

Wits sighed. “I can try and use my Imitate Skill to do a little extra healing, but we might have another problem.” He looked around, making sure there wasn’t any ponies around aside from their group before lowering his voice. “The nobility looked less than pleased at the results of that match. They might not want to accept Grim Hammer’s surrender. If I had to guess, we’ll have to fight to make sure it sticks.”

“I guess I can help with that,” Twilight offered. “Fluttershy, do you think you can help with healing Purple Heart?” The yellow pegasus nodded timidly.

“Ah can stay with Shy to help if need be,” Applejack said.

“I’ll help Twilight and Wits convince these nobles about the verdict,” Rarity mused.

“I wanna hit something...” Rainbow Dash muttered.

Light Patch picked himself up off the ground. “Right. Unless there is anything else we need to discuss, the sooner we get the musical mystical medical MacGuffinal thing, the sooner we can get Purple Heart healed up, and,” he turned to glare at Rarity, “the sooner you and I can talk about this new habit of yours,” he finished. Rarity narrowed her eyes, raising a threatening hoof.

“Alright, alright.” Wits End tapped the ground with a forehoof. “Let’s get this party split going.” He thought for a moment. “Wow. It feels weird not to be the one splitting the party.”

“Well, come on then. We’ve got some caves to explore and alleged things to hit,” Light Patch said, taking a few steps before freezing. “Uhm… Perhaps Amber should lead.” The golden unicorn nodded in agreement.

“If I’m remembering correctly, we have to get into the cellars,” she said as she galloped down the corridor, Light Patch, Pinkie, and Dash close behind her. “Then we have to...” As her voice faded with the growing of distance, Twilight turned to Wits End.

“Who do we have to talk to to make sure Purple Heart actually won his freedom?” she inquired.

Wits End looked at the assembled ponies. “I saw a courthouse on the way in. We’ll be able to figure out where to go from there. Come on, Wits & Co. Law Offices!”

“Why is it named after you?” Rarity asked, following the stallion as he started walking. “Why not ‘Rarity & Co’?”

“Because I got to it first.”

“I’ll see you in court for that…”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh boy…”

Applejack and Fluttershy looked between the two different corridors the others had departed down. After a moment, they turned to look at each other and blinked. “I guess we should go and see if there is anything we can do to help Purple Heart. I mean, if you think the infirmary’s staff will be okay with that,” Fluttershy said, barely breaking the silence of the hall.

“Guess so,” Applejack said with a shrug before the two went into the infirmary.

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 45: Turnabout Ponies

“Well, it’s not like we didn’t expect this.”

Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Wits sat in one of the courthouse lobbies. Shortly after the group had split up, a messenger from the castle had caught up with them, summoning them to the courthouse. The reasoning was simple: the three of them were to act as defendants of Purple Heart’s claim to victory over Grim Hammer.

“I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon,” Twilight continued, glancing at the two guards stationed by the door. “I thought we’d have at least a day before we’d have to do anything like this.”

“In Equestria, we probably would,” Wits End mused. He stood, stretched, and started pacing back and forth in front of the seated mares. “There’s two possible reasons for that. Somepony could’ve been expecting this, and jumped at the chance when the moment presented itself. We could be looking at the tip of a much deeper iceberg of intrigue.”

Rarity frowned, and four legs curled under her on the couch. “And the other possibility?”

Wits End shrugged. “Discord got lazy and decided to skip the boring parts.”

“Oh…” Rarity sighed. “I always forget that this whole fiasco is just a game of his. Do you think he’ll ever catch on that we are not amused by any of this?”

“I was wondering about that myself,” Twilight muttered.

Wits stopped pacing and turned to face the alicorn mare. “Oh? Do tell. I love a good theory.”

“Well, doesn’t it seem like this is becoming less of a game?” Twilight motioned at their current surroundings. “I mean, when we started off, it seemed like a fairly direct version of the Caverns & Cutie Marks ruleset. But ever since we arrived here in Gallopilli, it’s become a lot less game-like and a lot more… I guess realistic? There doesn’t seem to be any turns anymore and the setting has become a lot darker.”

Now it was Wits’ turn to frown. “So now that we’re getting a hang of the game, Discord’s changing the rules on us? That’s a jerk move, even for him”

“I thought the point of this was for us to have fun!” Rarity exclaimed, laying back on the couch cushions. “How is a pony suppose to have fun when she’s in danger of dirt and bugs and barbarous barbers who think the height of haute couture is a shaved mane? This whole world is terrible!”

Wits’ mouth went from a frown to a straight line across his face. “Priorities got a little mixed up there?”

“Whatever do you mean, darling?”

“...Never mind.”

“Defendants of Purple Heart?” The bailiff pony at the door motioned to the three of them. “Your time in court is coming up.”

“Here we go…” Twilight muttered, hopping off the couch as the three ponies filed into the courtroom. The bailiff let the mares through, but held out a hoof as Wits approached.

“Sorry miss.” the bailiff said plainly. “No hats allowed in the courtroom.”

Wits End blinked slowly. “I’m not a- Never mind.” He took off his peaked cap and hung it on a nearby rack. Once the bailiff let him through, the mint-colored unicorn took a seat behind the defense’s bench, next to Rarity. “I changed my mind,” he muttered to the fashionista. “You’re right. This world is terrible.”

The courtroom had a high, vaulting ceiling, with the judge’s bench dominating one wall. Several rows of tiered seats took up the two side walls, which were packed with ponies of various ranks of nobility. Those ponies talked amongst each other, occasionally looking down at the three of them.

More toward the middle of the room were two benches set up facing each other, each one smaller than the judge’s. Between them sat a witness stand, where everypony in the room would be able to both see and hear the witness. Seated at the bench opposite Wits and the mares sat a single stallion: a tan earth pony with a spiked black mane, dressed in a blue suit, and wearing a plain white mask over his face. When the stallion noticed Wits End staring at him, he nodded his head. “Sup?”

Before Wits End could respond, the judge entered the courtroom and took his seat at the head of the room. His shaved head made his horn more prominent, and his long, grey beard gave him a distinguished air, if a bit naive. “The court is now in session,” he said, his voice silencing the mutterings of the gathered onlookers. “Judge Copper Scales presiding. The goal of this court is to determine the validity of gladiator Purple Heart’s victory over his fellow fighter, Grim Hammer. Is the prosecution ready, mister Phoenix Cry?”

“It is, Mr. Your Honor,” the masked stallion replied.

The judge turned to the defendant’s bench. “Is the defence ready, mister…”

Wits End stepped forward. “Wits End, ace attorney, and co-counsel Rarity. We’re ready, Your Honor.”
The judge nodded. “Very well. We’ll move on to the opening statements. Mister Phoenix; you may begin.”

“Thanks, Judgy.” Phoenix slammed his forehoof on the bench. “The prosecution intends to show that Purple Heart had already been defeated well before Grim Hammer’s surrender!” He leaned back, his stance radiated the smugness that couldn’t be transmitted through his mask.

Wits End shook his head. “Your Honor. The defence will show that Grim Hammer’s surrender is fully valid, and that Purple Heart’s victory, and resulting freedom, is completely justified.”

“Very well.” The judge banged his gavel. “We shall move on to the first witness. Does either party have a witness who can attest to the events in question?”

“The defence does, Your Honor,” Wits End said, “The defence would like to call Princess Twilight Sparkle to the stand.”

Twilight blinked. “What.” Before she could react, the bailiff escorted her to the witness’ stand.

The judge looked down at the stunned alicorn. “Will the witness state her full name for the court?”

Twilight swallowed hard, eyes flicking around the room nervously. She settled on Wits End, who was giving her a grin and what would’ve been a thumbs-up if he had thumbs. After a deep breath, she looked out at the court. “I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, the princess of friendship.”

The audience of ponies let out a collective gasp as Twilight flared her wings dramatically. The muttering was silenced by a bang of the judge’s gavel. “Order! Mister End, you may begin questioning the witness.”

“Thank you, Your Honor.” Wits shot Twilight one last grin before setting a serious expression on his face. “Princess Twilight. You were present during the fight between Purple Heart and Grim Hammer, correct?” Twilight nodded, and Wits End continued. “Would you please describe to the court, in your own words, what happened?”

* * *

“...and when Purple Heart was blown through the wall, we left to go wait at the infirmary for him.” Twilight sighed, finishing her story. “Of course, we didn’t know that the room he’d been blown into was the infirmary, but we found out where we got there.”

Wits End nodded. “As I’m sure the court can agree,” he said, addressing the room, “the question is obviously not whether a fight took place. Princess Twilight’s testimony has shown that both parties indeed fought according to the coliseum’s rules, and Purple Heart fought valiantly against his opponent. His current state in the infirmary is proof of that.” He tapped the bench with his forehoof. “The defence believes this leaves no question as to Purple Heart’s victory over-”

“OBJECTION!” Phoenix pointed a forehoof over his bench. “I haven’t even gotten to do my job yet!”

Wits End grinned. “Is the prosecution questioning the word of an alicorn princess?”

Phoenix physically recoiled as the audience started murmuring. “N-no, but…” He straightened, taking on a more aggressive stance. “The question isn’t what the princess saw, but what she didn’t see!”

Wits End frowned. Uh-oh, he thought.

“Princess New Moon.”

“Twilight,” Twilight corrected.

“Princess Twilight.” Phoenix continued as if nothing had happened. “Did you or did you not witness Grim Hammer’s surrender to Purple Heart?”

Double uh-oh, Wits thought.

Twilight glanced around nervously. “Well… not exactly. The first I heard of it was when Wits- I mean Mister End told us.”

“Mister End?” The judge turned to Wits, one eyebrow raised. “Care to explain that?”

Wits End forced his initial panic down and shook his head with a casual air. “There’s not much to explain. I was simply the first one to reach the princess and her companions after Grim Hammer’s surrender.”

Phoenix slammed his hoof against the bench. “And where’s your proof that he surrendered, Endsworth? How do we know you’re not lying like a Lamia-fur rug?”

“HOLD IT!” Wits glared across at the masked prosecutor. “You can ask any other the hundreds of other ponies that watched that fight! Grim Hammer announced his surrender loud and clear for everypony to hear!”

“Well we’ll certainly find out, now won’t we?” Phoenix turned to the judge’s bench. “Your McHonorston! The prosecution has no further questions for Princess Eclipse, and would like to call the next witness to the stand!”

* * *

The austere grey stallion stood in witness’ stand, his bronze medallion hanging about his neck. Phoenix tapped his sheaf of papers with the back of his forehoof, his stance relaxed. “Would you please state your name and occupation for the court?”

“Melee Glorious,” the grey stallion responded. “Master of the Coliseum. I run the bouts and games for the entertainment of the commons and the royals.”

Phoenix set his papers down. “Mister Glorious. Did you watch the fight between Purple Heart and Grim Hammer?”

Melee nodded. “It is my policy to watch the fights of any gladiators fighting for their freedom.” His already stern expression hardened even further. “Somepony should remember their last moments should they fail.”

The silence in the courtroom was more deafening than any scream. “S-so,” Phoenix continued, “would you say that Princess Breaking Dawn’s-”

“Twilight,” the purple alicorn grumbled through clenched teeth, “Sparkle.”

“-testimony up to her leaving the viewing area is accurate?”

Another curt nod from Melee Glorious. “I have some notes on both gladiators’ fighting styles, but from the viewpoint of a non-combatant, then yes.” An unusual glint sparkled in the stallion’s eye. “I can go over them in detail now if you want.”

“That… won’t be necessary, Mister Glorious,” Phoenix said quickly. “I have only one further question for you. Did Grim Hammer, at any point, surrender the match?”

Melee Glorious blinked. “Yes.”

Phoenix was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry?”

The grey stallion blinked again. “I said yes. Grim Hammer surrendered the match.”

The masked prosecutor looked like the master gladiator had leaped over the bench and kicked him right in the stomach. Finally, he regained enough composure to respond. “C-couldja elaborate a little bit on that?”

Melee nodded. “It was almost immediately after Purple Heart was knocked through the wall. This little fool,” he jerked his forehoof at Wits End, who waved cheerfully back, “ran out into the arena to yell at Grim Hammer; flames and all.” He chuckled; a truly terrifying experience for everypony. “It was both brave and incredibly stupid of him. He went on about how Hammer’d cheated. Made enough sense to get some of the non-combatants to agree with him. Then Hammer admitted the pipsqueak was right, said he forfeited the match to Purple Heart, and disintegrated into ashes.”

The judge was staring down at Melee, a confused and worried look under his beard. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright, Mister Glorious?”

“Your Honor,” Rarity cut in. “We live in a world where roughly a third of ponies are fully capable of magic at any time they so desire. The method Grim Hammer used to leave the arena, magical or not, is hardly the focus of this court, is it?”

After a moment, the judge shook his head. “No, no I suppose it’s not. Mister Phoenix, do you agree with the defendant’s co-counsel?”

Phoenix was slumped over his bench, sighing heavily. Suddenly, he perked up, slamming his hooves on the bench. “Actually, Honormeister, I think it’s complete bogus! Mister Glorious’ testimony cannot possibly be an accurate reflection of the truth!” He folded his forelegs over his chest. “Spells required to perform a transformation of that caliber would take an enormous amount of energy, and that much energy would be dampened by the coliseum’s magical wards! Either the wards would have to have been tampered with, or Grim Hammer would have to be a mage more powerful than Roania’s seen in years!”

“Hmm.” The judge thought for a moment. “That is true. Both of those situations are surely impossible. I’m sorry, Mister Glorious, but your testimony cannot be accepted into this court due to its infeasibility.”

“I- Wha- Hey!” Wits pounded a hoof on his bench. “I object! That’s… objectionable! For reasons! The prosecution was the one who called the witness to the stand! They can’t just dismiss them when their testimony doesn’t match up!”

“Ordinarily, you would be correct, Mister End,” the judge said slowly, looking out over the disgruntled spectators surrounding the courtroom. “However, the court agrees that the testimony provided is unacceptable. Mister Phoenix will be penalized for failing to screen his witnesses more carefully, but testimony to back up the claim that Grim Hammer surrendered the match will have to come from somepony else.” The judge paused for a moment before raising his gavel. “The court shall take a short recess until a new, more accurate witness can be found.” The gavel fell, and the audience exploded into murmuring.

* * *

“So close!” Twilight moaned. The three of them were back in the lobby. “If Melee hadn’t added in the transformation spell part, we would’ve won the case already!”

“That Phoenix managed to use it to his advantage too.” Wits bit his lower lip as he paced. “If the next witness says the same thing, the judge will probably throw that out too. This case could go on for days, so long as the judge keeps denying Grim Hammer’s disappearance.” He sighed. “We’ve got to finish this right here, right now, before Phoenix can recoup his losses and come at this from another angle.”

Rarity watched the stallion as he tried his hardest to wear a circular groove in the carpet. “Honestly, darling, I’m surprised we’ve gotten this far. You seemed like you knew a lot more than I expected in there.”

“I’m a nerd,” Wits End said flatly. “I’ve got a shallow depth in a broad range of topics. Do you know what happens if a 100-foot meteor made of diamond hit our planet at near the speed of light?”

Rarity hesitated for a moment. “Something fabulous?”

“For certain, highly destructive, end-of-the-solar-system-as-we-know-it definitions of fabulous, sure.”

“Let me guess,” Twilight said flatly. “Don’t hit our planet with a 100-foot meteor made of diamond at near the speed of light?”

Wits stopped pacing and stared at Twilight. “...Yes,” he said after a long pause.

“Getting back to the matter at hoof,” Rarity said pointedly, “it seems like our problems could be solved if we knew what the prosecution’s next witness was going to say.”

“Sure,” Wits replied, resuming his pacing. “But we don’t. Even if the next witness served themselves up on a silver platter, it’s still Phoenix choosing them. We don’t have any say it that part.”

“What if we did?”

Wits End stopped pacing again. “What’re you suggesting?”

Rarity stepped off of the couch and flipped her mane. “I’m your co-counsel, aren’t I? If I have to leave for a moment to pick up something from our law offices, who’s to stop me?” She smiled coyly. “And, if a perfect witness happens to step forward, there’s no reason it’d be because I happened to bump into them while I was out, would it?”

Twilight frowned. “Are you suggesting we tamper with the justice system?”

“This is hardly a ‘justice’ system,” Wits scoffed. “Did you see the audience in there? This is the nobility’s real coliseum. They’re here for a show, not for justice.” He grinned. “So let’s give’m a show.”

* * *

Rarity hummed to herself as she trotted back into the courthouse. She’d left with the excuse that Wits had forgotten an important document, and wandered around the block for a couple of minutes. She’d even bought an important-looking folder and some papers to put in it to add some credence to her errand.

Now that she was in the main lobby again, she looked around at the collection of nobles waiting for the case to continue. Wits End had described one in particular that would be the best target before she left. As she surveyed the crowd, her eyes landed on a certain blue-grey stallion. Looks like Lord Just Duty is here as well, she thought. Given his friendship with that fool Light Patch, I’d say that he’s a much better choice for this role. She frowned. Then again, that friendship will be well known after all of their meetings.

The fashionista sighed and turned back to the crowd again. I guess I’ll just have to trust Wits End’s judgement on this noblepony. Now I just have to find him, she thought, scanning the clusters of ponies. He said it wouldn’t be too difficult, but maybe he’s wro- Oh dear.

She focused on particularly obese stallion, currently talking to a smaller, uncomfortable-looking noble. Rarity grit her teeth and crossed the room. “Pardon me, Lord Heavy Wait?”

The overweight lord turned, his chins rippling in response. “Yes? What is it?” he said curtly.
Rarity curtsied. “Please excuse my intrusion, my lord. I bring a message from Monsieur Wits End. If you have a moment-”

Heavy Wait’s eyes twinkled. “Aah, yes.” He waved a forehoof, dismissing the smaller noble who shot Rarity a thankful look before rushing away. “And what does he have to say? I hope he understands that if Purple Heart isn’t free, our deal is off?”

Rarity bit back the immediate question and settled on what Wits had told her to say. “Monsieur Wits End said to tell you that he would be ever so appreciative if you would offer your services as a witness to the prosecution.”

The obese stallion raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And why is that?”

“Monsieur Wits End… Monsieur Wits End said that if you could recount a more readily believable version of what happened, he would be able to secure Purple Heart’s freedom.” Rarity tried to close her ears to the heavy breathing coming from Heavy Wait. “He mentioned that your… deal would be irreparably damaged if Purple Heart were to somehow be mistaken for the loser.”

Heavy Wait stroked the foremost of his chins. After a moment, he spoke. “Tell ‘Monsieur’ Wits End that I expect a handsome commision for my part in this case.”

Rarity resisted the urge to grin at her victory. “Of course. Monsieur Wits End, and myself, thank you for your service.” She turned with a flip of her mane and trotted away, waiting until there were enough ponies between her and Heavy Wait to obscure her view to shudder. What a horrible man, she thought, setting her sights on where Wits and Twilight were seated. Still… it seems that our Mister End has been up to a few more tricks of his own that I’d thought.

* * *

Once again in the courtroom, the judge silenced the babbling audience with a bang of his gavel. “This court is called back to order. Mister Phoenix, I assume you’ve found a more suitable witness of the event?”

“I sure am, Your Honor-san-chan.” Phoenix waved a hoof dramatically at the witness stand. “Allow me to introduce the esteemed Lord Heavy Wait, who witnessed the whole thing from the noble’s box of the coliseum!”
Heavy Wait nodded—it was likely the closest he could get to a dramatic bow. “Indeed I did, Your Honor.”

The judge leaned back slightly in his chair, eyebrows narrowing at the obese stallion. “...Very well. I assume that you heard Melee Glorious’ account of the events, Lord Wait?”

“I did, Your Honor.” Heavy Wait sneared at where the austere grey stallion sat. “As flawed as it was at the end, his account was accurate until his... obvious hallucinations.”

“And what really happened in that arena, Lord Waitikins?” Phoenix asked, the smugness practically dripping from his mask.

Heavy Wait cleared his throat. “It’s simple, really. Mister End entered the arena to confront Grim Hammer’s cheating. I, of course, had thought the exact same thing when I saw it. Grim Hammer confessed to everything Mister End had accused him of and, fearing the consequences, fled the coliseum.” A throaty chuckle escaped his lips. “By hoof, of course. None of this nonsense of turning into dust. That would be ridiculous!”

The judge nodded. “I see, I see. That seems like a perfectly reasonable account of the events.”

Phoenix was far less pleased with the circumstances. “What? No! That’s not what you said-”

“What’s the matter, Mister Phoenix?” Wits End asked, leaning with one forehoof on the defence’s bench. “Seems like things just aren’t working out for you today, are they?” He shrugged and turned to the judge’s seat. “Your Honor, I believe there’s no reason to keep this farse going any longer.”

“I agree.” The judge looked down at Phoenix. “Do you have anything else to add, Mister Phoenix?” Phoenix didn’t speak; he only shook his head slowly as he slumped against his bench in defeat. “In that case, this court finds Purple Heart the rightful victor over Grim Hammer. Court adjourned.”

The moment the judge’s gavel banged, the courtroom erupted into noise; some cheering, some booing, other simply shouting their displeasure at what had been a relatively unexciting case. The bailiff escorted Twilight, Wits End, and Rarity outside. “Thank you for your time, ladies,” he said, waving a hoof at the defendants of the next case.

“I’m not a-” Wits cut himself off with a sigh, pulling his cap back on. “Whatever. We won the case.”

Twilight glanced around before responding. “Yeah, but you cheated to do it,” she hissed.

“To protect a friend in an unfair situation,” Wits End shot back with a surprising sharpness in his voice. “I don’t mess around when it comes to taking care of my friends. The fact that this court was little more than a waste of time just means I won’t lose any sleep over it.”

Twilight shook off the shock of the usually joking stallion’s sudden venom. “Is that another viewpoint common in wherever you three are from? Cheat the system as a whole to protect the few ponies you know personally?”

Wits End stopped for a moment. “As cliche as it may sound… It’s complicated. I won’t pretend to speak for everypony, but for me, if the system fails you, you do whatever it takes to protect those closest to you.” He sighed and shook his head. “I dunno,” he muttered. “It’s what works for me.”

“In any case,” Rarity interjected, “the point is that we succeeded! As soon as the other return, we should celebrate!”

Wits smirked. “Yeah. Ice cream after a court case. Sounds good to me.” He picked up his pace to keep up with the fashionista pony.

Twilight trailed behind, deep in thought. There’s something odd going on with the three of them, she mused.

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 46: LightCubed's Hell

“When I was younger,” Amber reminisced as she trotted around the base of the eastern tower, “my nanny would tell me stories about the catacombs under the castle of Gallopilli. She said that there was a secret entrance on the far side of the eastern tower.” The golden unicorn fell silent as she paced the circumference of the tower. “Well, we’re on the far side. And I don’t see a secret entrance.” With a huff, she turned to her three companions. “Any ideas?”

Light Patch looked at the almost featureless stone wall. The only major thing of note was the cracking along it. His ear twitched as the four clocks, also on the wall, chimed at the same time. His eyes drifted from the clocks to a large section of cracked wall near it. Something about this feels similar, the pegasus thought. He winced again as the hands on the four clocks aligned once more. Something heavily tugged at his mind as he watched the clocks tick away. He listened closely to the clocks and, more specifically, when they all lined up. No, it couldn’t be. But it is an idea, he reasoned, trotting over to the cracks next to the clocks.

“What are you doing?” Amber asked watching the stallion study the wall intently.

“Testing a hunch,” the grey pegasus responded, blowing a tuft of his mane out of the way. “By the way, about how tall were you when your nanny told you those stories?”

“Three, three and a half hands,” Amber shrugged. “Why?” Light Patch looked back at the wall and started to drag his hoof along the wall. The moment the four clocks all lined up he kicked the wall. When nothing happened he moved a little and tried again, and again. The princess sighed in exasperation and scowled at Light Patch. “Would you please stop trying to kick the wal-” she was cut off as a part of the wall slid open the next time the stallion kicked the wall.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Light Patch muttered, walking back to the mares. “At least I didn’t have to get a spiked skull on a chain, or try to navigate a minefield using toy bunnies.” The Princess, Pinkie, and Dash all looked at Light Patch with confused expressions on their faces.

“Moving on,” Amber decided, gesturing for the group to enter the newly found opening.

“What did your nanny say next?” Rainbow Dash asked. Amber cast an illumination spell, eliciting a glow from her horn as she took point. They walked down the tunnel in silence while the princess recalled the stories.

“She said we have to find the darkest, deepest room beneath the tower,” she said finally. “Once there, we’ll have to solve a riddle given by the Keeper. I don’t know who the Keeper is, and I’m certain they’re probably dead by now. But anyways, for now let’s concentrate on walking. There’s a lot of potentially dangerous creatures down here. We should be cautious.”

“Don’t worry, we’re always careful,” Light Patch said, moving to take the lead. “We’re seasoned adven-” The mares gasped as the grey stallion suddenly vanished from sight, having apparently walked off a cliff. The three of them cautiously moved toward the edge to see him laying on top of a tarp. “I’d watch that first step of yours. It’s a bit of a doozy.” Light Patch remained silent for a few moments before speaking up again. “Does anypony else hear some kind of-” A sharp sound ripped through the chamber. “Oh no, not again,” he managed to say just before being catapulted into the air. The noise of him impacting some far unseen wall informed them of the end of his flight, the small white ‘critical hit’ floating in the darkness informed the three mares of his location.

“Guess we’d better go scrape our cleric off the wall, huh Dashie?” Pinkie asked. With a roll of her eyes, the cyan pegasus drifted forward and down onto the next platform. She turned back to Amber and Pinkie pie.

“Could you please give us some light?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Or at least cast some kind of light spell over where the grey splat should be?”

“I resemble, I mean resent that,” a weak voice called. Amber Glitter chuckled and tossed an orb of light out to where she presumed Light Patch should be. As the orb grew in brilliance, it illuminated the surrounding features. The three mares couldn’t help but gape in awe at the chamber. Platforms hewn from the stone wall jutted out, creating a impromptu staircase that lead to the chamber’s floor. What they saw took their breath away.

The floor was a huge multi-colored mosaic detailing an intricate depiction of a map from the sky. To the west was a large body of water, presumably an ocean while to the east was a massive block of green, a land mass or continent. In the southeast portion of the landmass was a walled city next to the name ‘Gallopilli’.

“Oooooh!” Pinkie Pie squealed as she raced down the stone staircase to the floor. “It’s a map! I love maps!”

“This isn’t just any map,” Amber noted, her voice echoing around the chamber. “This is a map of the continent from over four centuries ago, when Roania was first founded!”

“So?” Rainbow Dash asked as nonchalantly as she could. The Princess looked up at the hovering pegasus, her eyes wide with indignation.

“This is a priceless piece of Roania’s history!” she cried. “That it’s been here untouched for centuries should make that plain enough!” Just as Amber finished, friction ceased holding Light Patch to the wall, all three winced at the noise of him impacting the floor. Dash outwardly rolled her eyes as she went to where Light Patch was. Inside, however, she was giddy from the idea that she was doing what Daring Do did nearly everyday. She had found a priceless piece of history. As she neared the supine Light Patch, she sighed.

“Alright there?” she asked cheekily, pulling on one of the grey pegasus’ wings.

“Yep. Just super. Just thought I’d practice some yoga. Nothing like the good old ‘sarcasm over the impact crater’ pose,” Light Patch deadpanned. “Now help me up. My hammer’s gotten the straps for my gear twisted and, well...” he sighed, “I’m all tied up at the moment.” A small smirk twisted Rainbow Dash’s lips and she crossed her forelegs.

“You really do like to make things hard for yourself, don’t you?” she chuckled. “Pinkie! I need a little help with this present. Could you help?” Instantly, Pinkie Pie materialized beside the pair, leaving Amber to enjoy the mosaic map on her own.

“Ooooo!” Pinkie cackled. “A present! Is it a puzzle? Do we have to solve it to move on?” Dash paused for a second, considering the question.

“Actually,” she mused. “Yeah.”

“Just get me untied, please,” Light Patch groaned.

Pinkie Pie saluted with a hoof. “Yes, o’ Presentable One.”

* * *

“Did your nanny say anything about that mosaic back there?” Rainbow Dash asked as they continued on their way after releasing a thoroughly displeased Light Patch. Amber reviewed the stories she remembered in her head.

“None of them specifically mention the mosaic, but they did speak of objects of significance forgotten or hidden in these catacombs.” She finally responded.

“Any artifacts of widespread destruction?” Rainbow asked trying to keep her excitement in check.

“Well, a few objects of power, but not really anything of widespread destruction, other than the box I’m not even really sure what might lie down here.” She hesitated before continuing, “Honestly I thought they were all just stories and rumors spread by palace staff looking for something to talk about. I only brought it up because of what happened to Purple Heart.”

“Well, I think he’ll be glad you did,” Pinkie Pie said cheerily. “I mean, you are dating him, aren’t you? How far into the dating process are you? Having tea together? Or maybe eating spaghetti off of the same plate?” Amber tripped. Nothing major like Light Patch had gotten himself into earlier, but it was a stumble.

“I think we’re still in the stage of walks in the park and dinner together,” Amber cleared her throat, looking at the bubbly pink earth pony.

Pinkie Pie chortled. “Ah, young love. When can Auntie Pinkie Pie expect little purple and gold nieces and nephews?” Rainbow Dash and Light Patch both turned to look at Amber expectantly as they continued down this new tunnel.

“Whoa, whoa!” Amber spluttered in indignation, her cheeks flushing red in embarrassment as she came to a stop, shaking head as she back away from the two mares. “We aren’t anywhere close to that!”

“Oh ho?” Dash asked, a wry grin on her face. “And just how close to that are you, exactly?” The Princess’ blush grew more inflamed as she opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, trying to speak.

“He’s just a very good friend!” Amber explained earnestly. “A close friend who I happen to spend time with along with the occasional dinner and moonlit stroll.”

“They’ve barely had a chance to even start dating, Pinkie. And also, this really isn’t the place to talk about this.” The stallion was going to say more, but was interrupted when something ambushed him. Remarkably, the ensuing fight between the grey pegasus and his assailer went unnoticed by the three mares as they stopped to continue their conversation, ignoring the grunts and squeaks in the background.

Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared very close to Amber’s face, a massive grin on her face. “So? When’s the wedding? I’m great with weddings! Balls and galas too, but weddings are my jam!” She thought for a moment. “Oooh, jam cake! I can make jam cake for your wedding! Purple and gold cakes for all of the ponies!”

“I never said anything about a wedding!” Amber screeched. “I just think of Purple Heart as a very good friend whom I am assisting in a life-threatening situation!”

“Is the life being threatened his life as a single stallion?” Rainbow Dash asked slyly, hovering in closer with a grin on her face. “‘Cause I’m sure there’s plenty of other colts who’d love to have a princess help them out with that.”

“I wouldn’t mind a little help, princess,” Light Patch said, struggling to keep the rooms unusually large rodents from chewing his face off. “How about we worry about the single stallion in the room for a moment.”

Pinkie absent-mindedly kicked one of the furry stragglers back in the grey pegasus’ direction. “Well, if you’re not looking to get married soon, then what about a not-wedding party? I could organize a party in ten second flat to celebrate the fact that you two are together! You could taste pastries together, or hold a cupcake-eating contest together, or decorate a gingerbread stable together, or-”

“All right!” Amber snapped, lifting a hoof to stop the torrent. She sighed and lowered her head in resignation. “Just give it a rest alright? Now is not the time and we are certainly not in the place to pursue this particular line of inquiry. I’m willing to discuss after we are out of this situation. Understand?” Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash nodded and Amber smiled.
Suddenly, a very chewed up and irritated Light Patch trotted back up to the mares huddle. “Thanks so much for taking the time to clear that little situation up. I’m so glad ya’ll focused all of your attention on it in this dark and horrible place,” he grumbled. The three mares blinked in surprise at the disposition of their male comrade.

“What in the heck happened to you?” Rainbow Dash asked rather eloquently.

He turned back to the mares with a glare. “ROUS’s,” he said simply before turning to continue onwards; seemingly unaware of the rodent of unusual size following right behind him.

* * *

“I don’t know about you guys,” Rainbow Dash mused as they walked into a rather dank and dark room, “but I think this might be the place.”

“This is the place!” Pinkie called, her voice echoing off the walls. “This is the place, this is the place, this is the pl-”

“And how do you figure that?” Amber asked snippily. “We’ve been walking for a while now and we’ve gone through nigh dozens of rooms. Why should this one be any different?”

“Because it is, young princess,” a voice said from the darkness.

“Oh great; doomy voice of mysterious doom,” the stallion snarked while trying to shake more of the of the slime and ichor covering him from the previous battles. “Tell you what. If you have a bath tub, I’ll help you off these three,” he said, gesturing to the mares. The voice wheezed out a chuckle.

“Rather put out, are you?”

“Put out?” Light patch asked incredulously.

Rainbow sighed. “Oh no, here he goes again.”

“Put out is about the only thing that hasn’t happened to me. I have been beaten, spat on, barfed on, eaten, electrocuted, mashed, blended, twisted, ironed, thrown, hurled—and you bet there’s a difference—and slimed every chamber. So either come out and let me beat you to a pulp, or just give us the MacGuffin and let me go spend the next year in a tub!” The stallion finished with a snort. Silence followed the grey pegasus’ tirade as whoever owned the mysterious voice considered the colt’s candor.

“Very well, you leave me no choice,” the voice said finally. Without warning, a torrent of water plummeted from above and hit the supine colt with deadly accuracy, eliciting yet another ‘Critical Hit’ notification whilst at the same time cleansing him of the worst of the dirt and grime he had collected in his earlier spats.

Light Patch stood there frozen like stone. “I suppose I asked for that.”

“Now,” the voice continued, ignoring Light Patch, “I assume you four are here for the Lady’s Music Box?”

Amber Glitter stepped forward and inclined her head to the chamber. “We are.”

“In that case, you must answer three consecutive riddles correctly,” the voice declared. “Do you accept this decision?”

“What if we don’t want to?” Rainbow Dash piped up.

“Then you get the pleasure of finding your own way out of here,” the voice said. “Free passage out comes with the prize. Well? What is your decision?”

The group convened amongst themselves. “He doesn’t give us much of a choice,” Amber mused thoughtfully.

Light Patch looked towards where the water had come from, “Quick question what happens if we get a riddle wrong?”

“Then you start over,” the voice said simply. “You only have to get three correct in a row. You can either keep going until you’ve answered three riddles successfully or you can give up. Those are the rules. I’m just the Knight that asks them.”

“I’m not going back through that,” the stallion said, gesturing to the room back to the rest of the catacombs. “Either we do the riddles, or I’m living here with my new best friend,” Light Patch said, looking at the others.

Amber shrugged. Rainbow and Pinkie both nodded. “We do the riddles.” The Princess turned around. “We accept the riddles.”

“Excellent,” the voice said jovially. “Let us begin...”

* * *

“Time’s up!” the voice crowed. “What is the answer?”

“A duck!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. A red ‘X’ materialized in the blackness.

“Wrong again,” the voice clucked. “Your highest streak is two in a row. Out of ten riddles, only five have been answered correctly. That’s a 50% fail rate.”

“But also a 50% success rate,” Amber pointed out.

“Nuance,” the voice said dismissively. “The point is, if you really wanted to help your friend, you’d have completed the challenge by now.” The three mares bristled at the barb. Over the half hour they had been in this chamber, ripping their manes out over ridiculous riddles and problematic puzzles, they had begun to panic. Every time they got to the third consecutive riddle, the voice pulled out a doozy that they could never answer. It was becoming a severe irritation. That, and the voice was becoming more and more annoying to listen to. Almost as if it was pleased to have somepony to talk to.

“This guy is rude,” Pinkie Pie muttered in a rare case of subduedness. “He’s cheating.”

“No kidding,” Rainbow Dash growled, rubbing at her eyes. “If we get out of here and I hear his voice again, it’ll be too soon.”

“I concur,” Amber mumbled. “But we have to keep going. For Purple Heart’s sake.”

“I’m almost wishing this was a battle with a bunch of slime monsters now,” Light Patch muttered, trying to ignore the itchiness from the dried slime under his armor. “At least then it’d be over by now.”

“If you prefer,” the voice chortled. “I could release some slimes for you to combat while you think.”

“I hope you weren’t a knight of justice.” Light Patch shot back, shaking his hoof in the air.

“Hardly,” the voice scoffed. “I’m just a poor schmoe who got the short end of the stick. I chose...poorly.”

“Would you maybe go easier on us if we promised to try and help free you?” The grey pegasus asked. Silence permeated the chamber as the voice considered the proposition.

“I’ll take that under advisement,” the voice decided. “Now, next riddle:

When you stop and look, you can always see me. If you try to touch you cannot feel me. I cannot move, but as you near me, I move away from you. What am I?

“A rainbow? No… A reflection?” Light Patch asked the others.

“A skittish pony?” Pinkie Pie asked. “A magic bunny?”

“The sky?” Rainbow threw out.

“I don’t think so,” Amber mused. “‘When you stop and look, you always see me… If you try to touch you cannot feel me… I cannot move, but as you near me, I move away...’”

“A shadow?” Rainbow Dash asked. The princess shrugged as she ran over the riddle in her head.

“Maybe...” she wondered.

“Cupcakes?” Pinkie asked hopefully. Amber again shook her head and furrowed her brow.

“You know, this is the first one. We could just blow it and see what the next one is,” Light offered. Bobbing her head from side to side, Amber shrugged.

“We could,” she muttered. “But...” She growled in irritation. “I know this one! I swear I do! I loved riddles when I was younger and I could’ve sworn I’ve heard this before...I just can’t...”

“Time’s up! What’s your answer?”

“Well?” Rainbow Dash prompted. “Do we ask for a new one? Or-”

“I got it!” Amber crowed, her face a picture of glee and happiness. “The horizon! You can’t touch it, because you can’t reach it. You try to touch it, you can’t feel it, it’s too far away. And you can’t get closer because you’ll never reach it.”

“Very good!” the voice cheered. “Next riddle:

What kind of room has no doors or windows?

“Um...” Amber hummed.

“Maybe it’s space? I mean, I’ve heard ponies ask for a little more room,” Light Patch thought aloud.

“Huh,” the voice mused softly. “While that is a legitimate option, it isn’t the correct answer. However, you will be able to give the correct answer.”

“A mushroom!” Pinkie Pie called out gleefully. Silence…

“Pardon?” the voice asked. Amber and Rainbow Dash stared at Pinkie Pie incredulously.

“You mean she’s right?!” Amber squeaked.

“I was right?!” Pinkie Pie squealed happily. “Yays!”

“Well done, Pinkie, well done,” Light Patch congratulated. “Time for the third riddle though,” he gulped. The voice grunted in acknowledgement.

“Very well. Next riddle:

”What walks on four legs in the morning-”

“A man,” Light Patch said.

”-two in the afternoon-”

“The answer is, ‘a man’,” the stallion interrupted again.

“-and three in the evening?”

“A. Man.” Light Patch said again, punctuating each word with with a stomp of his hoof.

“Correct!” the voice crowed. “You are free to leave with the Lady’s Music Box.” A spotlight cracked into existence, illuminating a pedestal deeper within the chamber. With sure, swift strides, Light Patch stalked forward towards the pedestal and the ornately carved box that sat upon it, leaving the three mares behind him in confusion.

“How’d he know the answer so quickly?” Rainbow Dash asked softly, whispering to Pinkie Pie.

“I dunno,” the bubbly pink earth pony replied. “Maybe we should tell Twi about it. She seems to be the one with the suspicions about the colts.” They looked up as Light Patch returned to them, neither noticing the frown on Amber Glitter’s face as she looked at the two mares.

“Okay, we’ve got the healing MacGuffin of health, and I’ll be back with some help to try see if we can free you from this as soon as the current situation is resolved. I promise,” Light Patch said, standing next to the mares. “Now, please, let me go take a good long bath, cuz dried slime chafes like crazy.” The voice chuckled.

“Very well,” it rumbled. “You may leave.” A flash of light eclipsed the group of ponies and they disappeared. “And don’t bother coming back. You’ve already completed the terms.” The voice fell silent.
Never to speak again.

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 47: Meanwhile, back on the farm...

“I spy with my little eye, if you don’t mind, that is, something that starts with ‘B’,” Fluttershy said, glancing around the infirmary.

Applejack looked around the room. “Is it bed?”

“No,” the butter yellow pegasus responded quietly.

“What about blanket?” The orange mare guessed next. Fluttershy shook her head. “Hmm... Well, how about bandage?”

“No. Do you, maybe, give up?” Fluttershy asked.

Applejack took one last look around the room and sighed. “Yeah, I can’t think o’ nothin’ else what starts with ‘B’. So, what was it?”

“Brace,” the pegasus mare said. “I guess it’s your turn again.”

“Hokay. I spy something...” Applejack began, her eyes tracking around the infirmary, “white.”

“Hmm,” Fluttershy whispered, brow furrowed as she considered the clue. “Apron?”

“Nope,” the orange earth pony denied.

“Oh. Okay then...Purple Heart’s bandages?”

“Nope.”

“Hum… gauze?”

“Nope.”

“Uh… Rarity!”

“Huh?” Applejack grunted eloquently.

“Rarity’s back!” Fluttershy pointed. Applejack turned, following the shy pegasus’ hoof to see the unicorn fashionista walking towards them, with Wits and Twilight close behind.

Rarity smiled as she stepped into the infirmary. “Girls, Rarity & Co. Law Offices has returned.”

“Wits End & Co.,” Wits corrected, filing in behind her. “We’ve been over this.”

“I did most of the work. I want a raise.”

“Can we not do this?” Twilight asked, nudging the mint-colored unicorn out of the way. “How’s Purple Heart doing?”

Applejack shrugged, her face a mask of worry as she turned to the unconscious earth pony.

“He’s run up a fever,” the orange earth pony said. “The doctors’re astounded that he’s survived this long. By all accounts, he shoulda died from internal bleedin’ an hour ago. But, he’s still breathin’, albeit weakly.”

“Well, he didn’t really seem like one to give up in the face of the odds,” Rarity noted.

Applejack nodded in agreement. “Yeah. I hope Light Patch, Pinkie, Dash, and the princess get here soon. I don’t know how long he’ll last.”

“He’s made of sterner stuff,” Wits said. “He’ll last until Light Patch finishes self-critting his way back.”

“Bite me.” Light Patch growled as he walked back into the infirmary. “Let's hurry up and use the lady’s music box. I have a long date with a tub of water.”

Applejack arched an eyebrow at the grey pegasus and looked at Rainbow Dash. “What’s got his saddle in a twist?” she asked.

“Slimes,” the cyan pegasus replied shortly. “He had a bit of trouble with some while we searched the dungeon.”

“Indeed,” Amber Glitter agreed, plucking the music box from Light’s grasp as she made her way over to Purple Heart.

“Ah, you’re back,” Doctor Nox growled. “Took you long enough.”

“We ran into a few...delays,” the princess explained.

“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie agreed. “There was a picture on the floor and a funny voice that kept asking riddles! I really liked the one about the mushroom, even though we didn’t get it!” Rainbow Dash shook her head at the pink earth pony’s bouncing.

“At least we got the box,” Dash sighed. “But how does it work?” The Mane Six, plus Amber and Wits, all looked expectantly at Doctor Nox while Light grumbled under his breath. The blue stallion twisted his face into a grimace.

“Don’t look at me,” he scoffed. “I’m not artificer. I’d say wind it, open it, and put it beside his head. Maybe if he can hear the music it’ll work better.” Amber looked at the small music box and noticed a keyhole in the side. Gently, she cracked the lid and peered inside. Stuck to the underside of the lid was a small brass key. Ignoring the inner workings of the priceless artefact in lieu of more urgent matters, Amber placed the key into the hole and began twisting. The Mane Six and Wits all watched in silence as the key wound the music box. Several seconds of turning later, the golden unicorn placed the box on the table near Purple Heart’s head, withdrew the key, and opened the lid.

An emerald fog poured forth from the music box and began to envelope Purple Heart’s broken body with a soothing green cocoon of mist and light. Soft gentle music began playing, lulling the ponies around it into a sense of peace and relaxation.

“It’s so calming,” Wits End sighed. “I don’t like it.”

“It’s not fair. I’m trying to be angry and annoyed and this is making me not,” Light Patch muttered.

“At least it’s doing something,” Amber mused. “Even if I have no idea what...”

“Incredible!” Nox whispered, staring at the glowing emerald cloud sitting on Purple Heart. “His injuries are healing at a phenomenal rate!”

“How phenomenal are we talkin’?” Applejack asked apprehensively. “It isn’t dangerous to him, is it?”

“Oh, no no,” Nox assured. “It’s just...incredible. At this rate, he should be awake-”

“OOOOOOOOW!!” Purple Heart’s voice echoed from beneath the cloud. “I HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT! WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS?!” The ponies present jerked in surprise at the unexpected cry of annoyance and pain. They all stared in awe as Purple Heart sat up in his bed, his eyes screwed shut in intense pain. He cracked one eye open and instantly shut it. “IT’S BRIGHT! HOW DID I GET TO HURT THIS MUCH?!”

“Congratulations!” the Discord-voice boomed. “Purple Heart has just received the feat, ‘Diehard’. He also-”

“SHADDUP!” Purple Heart snapped. “Why is everything so loud?”

“-now has the passive skill, ‘Regeneration’,” the Discord-voice continued. “Further information can be found in your player’s guide.”

Wits End’s ears were folded back to avoid lasting hearing damage. “Whaddyathink?” he asked the assembled ponies. “I think he’s faking it.”

Before anypony else could react, Light Patch chucked a pebble of rubble at the recovered stallion. It plonked off his nose, eliciting a hiss of annoyance from the awakened Purple Heart, and clattered back to the floor. “Nope, he looks to be good.”

Purple Heart’s eyes narrowed as he swung his cobalt gaze to fix the grey pegasus with an annoyed glare. “I’ve got enough bruises, thank you very much.” He rolled off the bed and into trembling legs. Grimacing in pain, he straightened, sighing as the pain fled his body. “I feel a little sore, but nothing a good night’s rest won’t fix. So,” he looked around the Mane Six, Amber, and his two colt compatriots, “What’re we gonna do now?” As the purple earth pony was shoved back into bed by an irate but satisfied Doctor Nox. Rarity gasped in surprise when Light Patch grabbed her.

“Where is the nearest usable bathtub?”

* * *

Light Patch sighed contently as he finished drying off. Being clean again after the battering and sliming he’d taken in the dungeon made him feel almost human again. He happily trotted down the stairs and into the main pub room. Turning his head, he scanned the dimly lit room for the rest of his comrades before his eyes settled on the eight ponies in a corner. “So, what’d you lot decide on while I was becoming a pony again?” he asked, grabbing the empty spot at their table.

The Mane Six, plus Wits End and a heavily bandaged Purple Heart, all looked up up as Light Patch joined them. The group had reconvened at the tavern they had stayed in after first arriving in Gallopilli, after Purple Heart had been discharged—albeit stubbornly—from the Gladiator Infirmary by Doctor Nox. As the purple barbarian now had his freedom once more, they had suggested that Amber Glitter return to the castle with reasons such as ‘they needed time to plot,’ and ‘gives her plausible deniability’. While she hadn’t approved of the reasons, she had agreed that it would seem strange for the Princess to be seen in the company of not just her lover, but a whole group of curious ponies.

“Well,” Wits End started, “now that P.H. is free, we can put operation Noblesse Non Grata into action.” He tapped the table with a forehoof. “We need to put together the proof that Bastion’s trying to start a war for his own personal reasons, and present it to the court to get him off the throne.”

“I myself actually have a suspicion regarding our resident Princess,” Purple Heart chimed. “While you all assemble the proof, I want to go to the Royal Archives to check the birth records. I’m curious as to how Amber is a princess when we don’t even know if she has a legitimate claim, thus my desire to check her ancestry.”

“Ah bet that ain’t the only thing you want to check,” Applejack jibed, a sly smirk curving her lips. For all his ruggedness and stubborn nature, the purple earth pony had the decency to blush for once.

“Eh...” he hummed, “chisai desu. Little bit. I also want to make sure she’s safe.” The mares ‘aww’d and Purple Heart flushed deeper.

“Wuv,” Light Patch whispered to Wits End.

“Twue wuv,” Wits End parroted back. The pinto cleared his throat and put on a more serious expression. “That aside, one of us should go with P.H, just in case he decides to mouth off to a noble. Again.” At this, he glared at the hulking earth pony beside him. Purple Heart raised a hoof in a placating gesture.

“Oi, oi, I’ll behave. I’m kinda tired of combat for a while,” he said. The mares blinked at him in surprise.

“Oh really?” Twilight asked, bemused. “This coming from the tank who thought running headlong into a horde of bandits was a good idea.” She and the other five mares giggled at Purple Heart’s indignant expression.

“At least I wasn’t the one who got captured,” he retorted.

“Hey, hey. Enough you two.” Light Patch said, pounding his shoed hooves on the table a couple of times. “Mistakes were made, we’ve acknowledged it, so let’s move on. Who’s going where?”

Wits mused for a second, a small yet disturbing smile forming on his face. “Well, since they seem like they have something to work out, Twilight and P.H. will go to the Royal Archives to check the ancestry shenanigans while-”

“What?!” Twilight slammed her forehooves on the table, her wings and nostrils flaring. “Why would you put me together with a bonehead like him?”

“Hey!” Purple interjected. “I resent that! I’ve gotten better! Had to get the stuffing beaten out of me repeatedly to do it, but still! She speaks poniards! And every word stabs! I’m hurt enough as is!”

“First of all,” Wits End leveled a hoof at the purple barbarian, “you resemble that. You pitched that riposte right over the plate, and I have no regrets in swinging at it.”

“I’m surprised you even hit it,” the purple earth pony grumbled, “considering I’m the one with over a decade of experience in that sport. But I digress. Fine. I’ll deal with it.”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “No grumbling? No complaining? No having a redwood lodged up your-” He was cut off by a smack to the back of the head by Rarity. “Oh, is this a general thing now?” Light Patch thrust his front hooves into the air.

“Would you be arguing if you had a time sensitive situation on your hooves?” Purple Heart asked. “Contrary to popular belief, I can think.” The mares giggled, eliciting a glare from the purple barbarian. “But arguing will get me nowhere. So I might as well suck it up. Doesn’t mean I’m not pleased by this turn of events though.”

“Amber has taught him well, huh?” Light Patch said before quickly dodging the anticipated swipe from Rarity. He triumphantly pointed a hoof at the unicorn. “Hah, not today Zur-” Only to have Pinkie push his head down into the table.

“Shh, Wits being witty.”

“We’ll see if it sticks.” Wits End turned back to Twilight. “And for you, I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but you’re the best one here for doing research. The sooner you two find out what’s going on, the sooner we can get on with the rest of the plan. Besides,” he leaned back in his chair, “I’ve got some questions about our Miss Glitter of my own. It’ll be good to know exactly what we’re dealing with.”

Twilight opened her mouth to argue, but closed it before she could respond. “Fine. I can put together some more information about King Bastion’s father while I’m there.”

“Alright, what information do you want me gathering?” Light Patch asked.

“Well, we gotta have proof he has an army, right?” Rainbow Dash said, cutting off Wits before he could speak. She glanced around at the surprised looks on the faces of the surrounding ponies. “What? It makes sense, right? If King Baba Ganoush doesn’t actually have an army ready to invade, then for all we know, he’s just settin’ up for some future whatever.”

Wits thought for a moment before nodding. “She’s got a point. We should have proof that the army actually exists before we accuse Bastion.” He motioned toward the grey pegasus. “Go find the guy who did your shoes and see if you can get a statement from him. Some from the other smiths would be useful too. Take, uh... ” He looked around the table. “I dunno. Who want’s to see if Patchy will get blinders?”

Rainbow’s hoof shot up. “I’d love to see that.”

“If we weren’t pressed for time,” Purple Heart chuckled, “I would say yah. But we are pressed for time. If I could, I would. But I can’t, so I shan’t.”

“You’re vote of confidence astounds me,” the Light Patch mumbled into the table, his head still pinned by Pinkie.

“Then what about you?” Rarity said, narrowing her eyes at Wits End. “What will you be doing during all of this?”

Wits End placed a forehoof on his chest. “I, and a select team of ponies, will be sowing the seeds of disco-” He interrupted himself, his lips forming a thin line as he considered what he was about to say. “...of suspicion. We’re gonna go to the court and start spreading rumors against Bastion so that when we get the proof, they’ll be ready to turn on him right away.” He leaned forward again and grinned. “We’re gonna go fabricate Casus Belli.”

“What’s with you and the Fancy today?” Applejack asked.

“Don’t mind him,” Purple Heart commented. “He’s always like that.”

“He’s never said anything like that earlier in this adventure,” Dash pointed out. Purple Heart shrugged.

“Guess it took a while for him to get warmed up,” the broad earth pony mused.

“So who gets to be a part of team white… collar? White Yoke… no. Huh, that expression doesn’t really work in pony.” Light Patch looked up at the confused mares. “So who’s going with Wits End?”

“I’ll need Rarity,” Wits said without hesitation. “Unlike some ponies,” he shot Purple Heart a look, “I appreciate the assistance of a lady with skill in wordplay.”

Rarity flipped her mane. “It’s good to know I’m needed, darling.”

“Wait just a apple-pickin’ minute,” Applejack cut in. “Ya’ll have got your plans, but somepony’s gotta put together the rest of th’ documents. Who’s gonna be stuck with that?”

The assembled ponies looked at the orange farmpony for a full second. “Not it,” Wits said quickly, hopping away from the table and heading for the door. Rarity merely blinked in surprise and sighed before nodding to bid them all goodbye and galloping after the skittish unicorn. Purple Heart winced at the pinto’s sudden abandonment. With a sharp inhalation, he stood and nodded at them before turning to Twilight.

“Might as well go to the Archives,” he said, looking back to Applejack. “I guess that leaves you to do the paperwork. Apologies.” He left the table, walking gingerly but surely out the door, Twilight close behind him. The alicorn looked over her shoulder at the remaining ponies and smiled weakly.

“Take care,” she said before disappearing through the tavern’s door.

The three unassigned mares turned to look at Light Patch and Rainbow Dash. “Well?” Applejack asked after a moment of silence.

Light Patch chuckled scratching the back of his head. “Well, you know, I guess I could… ” Suddenly, he jumped up and pointed behind the mares. “Oh my gosh, look over there! It’s the oldest trick in the book!” The three mares turned to look where the stallion pointed only to hear him say ‘yoink’ when their heads were turned, followed shortly by the crash of a window breaking. Quickly turning back, Applejack and Fluttershy found the stallion missing and the nearest window broken. The farm pony turned to her competitively-minded friend and raised an eyebrow.

“I’d better go make sure the moron didn’t break anything doing that.” The spectral-maned pegasus replied with a sigh as she left.

Applejack sighed, pulling her hat down over her face. “Well, Ah guess that means that it’s up to us then to git them documents in order.” Fluttershy nodded.

“I’m sure they had a good reason for leaving us,” Fluttershy said softly. “I mean, this way the document will probably be understandable by everypony.”

“Ah suppose.” The farmpony reset her hat and stood. “Alright, let’s get this herd of documents on the trail.”
Fluttershy turned to Pinkie and lightly tapped the party mare. “Um, we’re heading out now Pinkie.” The pink mare turned to look at Fluttershy.

“Oh, okay then. I...” the party mare suddenly frantically searched the tavern. “Hey, wait! Where did Patchy and Dashie go? No! Not again! I can’t believe I fell for it again!”

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Wits End, Purple Heart

Chapter 48: One Jump Ahead

As was usual, Just Duty had found himself lurking around the food tables of the current ball he’d been attending. He despised them; too many ponies with too much money and not enough passion. He usually preferred the ‘balls’ of his town, which were little more than night long parties in the taverns among friends; which was similar to the parties he remembered from his adventuring days. Still though, if he was to garner the support he wished, he’d have to continue to play in the big leagues, as Light Patch had told him. He sighed and ate another pastry while watching the currents of the ballroom.

“Don’t you think he looks tired?” Wits End appeared beside the blue-grey stallion, pouring himself a glass of the closest beverage. He motioned with his head toward the gathering of most important nobles surrounding King Bastion himself. After a moment, he held out a hoof. “Wits End. Friend of Light Patch’s. We’ve met in passing before.”

“Yes, I remember,” Just Duty responded, trying to not let his surprise show at having been snuck up on. He turned to look towards the king and the group gathered around him. “What do you mean by him looking tired?”

Wits sipped his drink before using it to point out the king again. “Just seems like he’s spreading himself a bit thin over there.” He swirled the contents of his glass, a wry smile on his face as if he knew exactly what Bastion were saying. “Sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread... Ah well,” he shrugged, “I suppose planning a war does that to a pony, no matter how powerful.”

Just Duty whirled around to look at the mint unicorn. “A war?” he spoke tersely. “Bastion couldn’t possibly be planning a war. With the kingdom's biggest allies at each other’s throats, and our banditry issues, we couldn’t possibly stand up to the other kingdom around us.” The blue-grey stallion turned to observe the king closer; noting a few more rings under his eyes than normal, for even a king.

“Of course, of course.” Wits nodded. “Tensions between Roania’s closest allies.If war were to break out between them, there would be no-pony to come to Roania’s aid.” His smile widened as he raised the glass to his lips again. “Of course, somepony could always take advantage of the two weakening each other…” He sipped his glass. “How have the King’s attempts to smooth those tensions been going, anyway?”

Just Duty frowned as he tried to recall news about the king's attempts to halt the war. “He’s had more failures than successes, far as I can remember,” the small town noble said, rubbing a chin. “If I’m remembering correctly, it hasn’t seemed to have been much use. Some nobles are even calling it a waste of effort at this point.”

Wits End sighed. “Now isn’t that a shame? After all of the work the king has put into it, too...” The mint-colored unicorn let silence hang in the air for a moment before continuing. “Then again, such a war would be the perfect opportunity to, say, claim some of their outlying territories along Roania’s border...”

“Yes, it would be the perfect opportunity to seize land; if one had a legitimate claim to it,” the blue-grey stallion responded. “Without a just claim, however, even a king would face as much resistance from inside the kingdom as he would outside. And an act like that would ruin any alliances as they sit.”

“Indeed it would.” Wits nodded. “A king would have to prove that his actions were for the good of the kingdom, not just for his own personal pride. To go to war simply to reclaim land lost by one’s father would be pure hubris.” He drained his glass, setting it on the tray of a passing server-pony. “My apologies, but I’ve some other business to deal with. Enjoy the rest of the ball.” He took a few steps before looking back toward where King Bastion and his group were. “He really does look tired, doesn’t he?” With that, he vanished into the crowd once again.

Just Duty watched Wits End disappear before he turned to look towards the king. If the mint-colored unicorn was correct, and the king was planning a war with the kingdom’s own allies just for lost land, it would burn the alliance, and leave Roania with more enemies than she could afford. The kingdom would be torn apart, and hundreds of innocents would die; his ponies would die for an unjust cause. The stallion trotted quickly though the ballroom, plans already forming in his mind.

From the crowd, Wits End watched the noblepony and the look on his face. I could be good at this, he thought, wandering through the ball in search of the next target. Sorry, Patchy’s friend, but the plan takes priority right now. He stood on the tips of his hooves to try and see over the other ponies. “Now,” he muttered under his breath, “where’d she get off to? We should coordinate to make sure we’re not covering the same pon-”

He froze. Over the wall of ponies, he saw the telltale purple coiffure of the fashionista mare, immediately next a familiar mass of copper-colored pony. Wits frowned, pushing his way through the assembled nobleponies. “What is she doing?” he muttered. “Excuse me! Out of the way! Important pony business!” He reached the purple mane, but not before the other pony had vanished. “Rarity!”

Rarity turned around. “Ah, darling. I’ve just had a fascinating conversation with Lord Heavy Wait. You wouldn’t happen to know what he told me, would you?”

Wits End’s eyebrows knitted. “Rarity, I might be in rumor-mongering vizer mode, but I’m not psychic. What are you on about?”
Rarity’s expression soured. “Lord Heavy Wait’s lips are loose enough to sink an entire baroque clothing line. You’ve been busy setting Amber up long before any of this started. And when were you planning on telling Purple Heart about his part in your little plan?”

“If it ain’t baroque- Sorry. I needed a contact in the nobility in case somepony disputed Purple Heart’s victory.” Wits tapped his hoof on the ground. “Which they did, I might add. I figured it’d be a good idea to get on Amber’s good side by giving her a hoof-up on the succession. That’s all.”

“You can drop the act, Wits End. I might not be the element of honesty, but I can tell when somepony is hiding something.” Rarity frowned. “Do you really think that going behind everypony’s back is the best way to go about this?”
Wits’ frown mirrored the purple-maned mare’s. “If you’re trying to get me to say ‘do you think you can do better’, don’t hold your breath. I learned my lesson back at Road’s Crossed. As for the rest, I need you to believe that I’ve got a good reason for what I’m doing.”

“Reason? Yes. But is your goal to help the nine of us, you three stallions, or just yourself? I’m starting to wonder-” She stopped, shocked into silence by the shockingly serious expression on the mint-colored unicorn’s face.

“You have,” he said slowly, “no idea.”

After a moment, Rarity made a dismissive noise. “Fine. Then maybe I should start acting on my own plan, without telling anypony else. What do you think?”

Silence again. Then, a wide grin spread over Wits’ face that didn’t nearly reach his eyes. “Go for it!” he said with a laugh. “The more plans the better at this point! Let’s get a thirty gambit pileup started in here!” His grin turned more subdued. “Of course, we should finish our job here first. Then the dueling plots can start up, okay?”

“Hmph. Fine.” Rarity flipped her mane and trotted away, disappearing into the depths of the ballroom.

Once the purple fashionista was out of sight, Wits’ grin vanished. “This is getting out of hoof,” he muttered. “I need to finish this as fast as possible.” After a moment to collect himself, he turn around, put his best smug smile back on his face, and trotted up to an innocent-looking noblemare. “Don’t you think he looks tired?”

* * *

It didn’t take long for Purple Heart and Twilight to get directions to the Royal Archives. A particularly rude kiosk owner had pointed out that the Archives were housed in a low-traffic annex of the castle grounds. Not many ponies took interest in the knowledge stored there unless it was absolutely required. It would be foolish for the two research ponies to ignore the vast amount of knowledge that could probably help them residing in the dust filled building.

“Welp, this is the second time you’ve been to a library on this adventure,” Purple Heart commented softly as they trotted through the open doors of the Royal Archives.

“So?” Twilight snapped, still irked over the fact that Wits had basically ordered her to assist the purple earth pony. The stallion in question shrugged as they walked up to the circulation desk where a young filly sat.

“I dunno,” he said. “Just failing at making idle conversation.”

“You tried no less than ten times since we left the tavern,” the alicorn pointed out. “You’ve been failing a while now.”

“Eeyup,” he agreed, “but at least I’m trying to clear the air. You must still be irritated with the good versus evil argument way back when.” Twilight opened her mouth, about to contradict Purple Heart’s assumption but never got the chance as the purple earth pony had chosen to greet the young unicorn filly behind the desk.

Her bright green mane bobbed as she looked up at the new arrivals, a grin splitting her blue face. “Hello!” she greeted cheerily. “My name is Brooke! How may I help you?”

“Greetings,” Purple Heart said, a small smile on his lips. “I’m Purple Heart and this is Twilight Sparkle. I’m curious as to where the birth records for the Royal Family are.” As Brooke’s emerald eyes widened in awe, Twilight hissed at Purple Heart.

“The Royal Family wouldn’t just leave their records laying around in the Royal Archive!” she hissed.

“They would if nopony frequented the Archive at all,” the purple colt retorted, not turning around. “What better place to hide sensitive documents than in a place nopony goes to? Short of burning down the archives, that’s the best defense, in my humble opinion. No offense to your archives.” The last was said to the still gaping Brooke. Shaking herself out of her shock and awe, the blue unicorn shook her head, smiling.

“None taken,” she breathed. “I just like being here because of all the knowledge and stories. Rarely does anypony come in. You can find the Royal Family birth records in aisle 2B.” Purple Heart smiled and inclined his head in thanks before moving towards the dust-covered stacks.

“I hope you don’t mind me saying this,” the green-maned filly chimed, “but you are an amazing stallion.” Purple Heart balked, his brow furrowed.

“Why, pray tell, am I an amazing stallion?” he asked over his shoulder. Twilight looked between the two ponies, curious as to how the situation would play out. From what she had deduced about Brooke’s reaction to Purple’s name, she had to guess that she was a fanfilly with a crush. To her immense surprise, what Brooke said next shot that theory clear out of the water.

“Why, you’re still alive of course,” Brooke replied. “You must already know this, but nopony has won their freedom in the Coliseum for a decade, the last free Gladiator being a mysterious colt named Looshee. You’re a legend now. I wouldn’t be surprised if some Coliseum official came in today to make an annotation on your achievement.” Twilight and Purple Heart blinked in surprise.

“You mean you aren’t crushing on him?” Twilight asked. Brooke reeled back, her face a mask of disgust.

“Ew, no,” she huffed. “Why would I do that? I have a very nice fillyfriend, thank you very much.” Twilight opened her mouth to say something else but was dragged off by Purple Heart.

“Congratulations then!” he called as they dove into the stacks. After stumbling several yards after the hefty purple earth pony, Twilight twisted away, her face red with irritation.

“What was that for?!” she snapped.

“Just wanted to keep you from putting your hoof in your mouth again,” Purple Heart calmly commented. “Now, start looking for Amber’s birth records.” Before Twilight could make a come back, the purple colt had disappeared into the stacks. Grumbling under her breath, the purple alicorn turned to the shelves and began skimming over the titles, looking for anything that could be mildly related to Royal ancestry.

Four hours, several glasses of water, a hoof-ful of bathroom breaks, and thirty dust filled tomes later, Twilight and Purple Heart were becoming punchy and displeased. They had sprawled their gatherings across three tables and were moving between them like worker bees, trying to connect obscure dots and relations. The majority of the books and tomes they had browsed through held either no information regarding Amber Glitter’s parentage at all or merely had a passing footnote annotation. Suffice to say, Purple Heart and Twilight were not happy.

“I know I like books,” Purple Heart grumbled into his foreleg, “but I’m getting sick of them now. And all this dust isn’t doing me any-” He sneezed loudly, ruffling the pages of the book before him and sending dust dancing through the stale library air. “-favors. Everytime I sneeze, it’s like a bomb is exploding.”

“At least you can see straight,” Twilight whined. “I’m starting to see triple.” Purple Heart sucked air through his teeth in pity.

“That’s gotta reek,” he consoled. The clopping of hooves sounded from the direction of the circulation desk and the pair of spent researchers looked up blearily to see Brooke.

“Any luck?” she asked.

“Nope,” Purple Heart growled. “We’ve looked through Northern Family Trees, Southern Family Trees, even Foggy Swamp Family Trees and we’ve found nothing. Save stories of a castle being rebuilt every time it sank into the Monti Pithone Marches.”

“I’m starting to think that Amber Glitter isn’t royalty,” Twilight sighed. “There’s no mention of her in any of these books.” She waved a hoof at the assembled tomes.

“Oh,” Brooke mumbled. “Did you look at B’s Thousand Familial Concoctions?” The broad purple earth pony looked up, a frown marring his features.

“Nooo,” he answered, elongating the vowel. “Should we have?” Brooke shrugged.

“I guess,” she said. “It’s a really in-depth analysis and ancestral trees of ancient and recent families of the ruling and noble classes.”

“Where is it then?” Twilight asked. Brooke shuffled her hooves and stared down at the floor, avoiding Twilight and Purple Heart’s questioning gazes.

“Well?” Purple Heart prompted.

“I was reading it,” the archivist mare mumbled softly. The two searchers blinked, staring at the uncomfortable looking pony. Seconds of silence passed, stretching on into a full minute before Purple Heart slammed his head repeatedly against the table and Twilight sighed in exasperation.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” Purple Heart groaned, emphasizing each repeat of the word with another bash of his head on the table. “Of course it isn’t in circulation!” Twilight rolled her eyes at the purple earth pony’s self-punishment for lack of observation and merely stood, walking over to Brooke.

“Could we please borrow the book for a while?” the purple alicorn asked gently. “We really need to look at it.” Brooke’s eyes widened in realization and she smiled brightly.

“You’re looking up the Princess’ ancestry, aren’t you?” she asked. Twilight froze, eliciting a giggle from the blue unicorn.

“It’s kinda obvious, y’know,” Brooke explained, leading Twilight to her desk. “I mean, you are looking up royal ancestry and he’s in a supposed relationship with the only princess this side of the Tiber.” Purple Heart raised his head, frowning at the two mares as they walked over to Brooke’s desk.

“Hitotsu,” the purple barbarian called after them, “our relationship isn’t supposed. It’s really a thing. Futatsu, please tell me there isn’t some pony with a name like Hulius Kaiser ruling some flourishing empire east of the Tiber.” Brooke’s brow furrowed as she moved a stack of books and plopped them on her desk before diving back into her treasury.

“I don’t know about any flourishing empire,” she hedged, her voice muffled from being under her desk, “but I do know that the prince of the Rowans to the east is named Jewel Seizer.” Twilight couldn’t repress a snort of amusement when Purple Heart beat his head with a book, chanting some strange hymn before each strike.

“Aha!” Brooke crowed, popping up from beneath her desk, a thick grey tome held in her magic. “Found it!” Her magic dissipated and the tome landed on the table, puffing a cloud of dust into the air. Twilight grasped the cover with her own magic and flipped it open.

“If you’re looking for Princess Amber Glitter, she’s near the back, being a recent addition to the ruling class,” Brooke offered. With a nod of thanks, Twilight flipped quickly through the pages, skimming as she went.

“You know what I think?” Brooke mused, resting her chin on a hoof as she watched Twilight skim. “I think the Princess is the lost daughter of Vale Blossom.” Twilight almost ripped a page and Purple Heart fell out of his chair. Both searchers looked at the foliage-maned unicorn, their jaws agape.

“Wanna run that by us again?” Purple croaked, walking over to where the two mares stood.

Brooke frowned at the two ponies from behind her desk. “I think that Princess Amber Glitter is-”

“I heard that,” the purple earth pony interrupted. “I just wanna know why? What proof do you have to this theory?”

“Well, look here.” Brooke flipped through several pages of the tome in front of Twilight before stopping and pointing at a picture of a regal looking unicorn the color of burnished bronze with a mane of sunkissed gold. The caption beneath read.

Lady Vale Blossom of Gallopilli (deceased)
Parents: Behemoth (father), Rose Thorn (mother)
Siblings: Bastion (elder brother), Boomer (younger brother)
Spouse: Unknown
Children: Unknown

“So?” Twilight asked, looking back to Brooke. “Breed and color have nothing to do with parentage.”

“But still,” Brooke urged, flipping to a page with Amber’s information on it, “Lady Blossom died about a week before the Princess appeared in a neighboring country. Now I think Lady Blossom gave birth and knew that her brothers wouldn’t take kindly to having another royal running around, so she sent her newborn away, protecting the foal.”

“That’s a nice conspiracy theory,” Purple Heart grunted, his chin resting on the desk, “But we can’t prove it to be true. For all we know, Amber could be some peasant’s daughter who became part of an elaborate scheme to bring chaos and ruin to Gallopilli.” The blue unicorn’s emerald eyes flashed with anger.

“I thought you were her friend!” Brooke snapped. “Her lover shouldn’t be questioning her like this!” Purple Heart’s rage bubbled forth in indignation.

“Hey! I care deeply for Amber! I respect and cherish her friendship and am pleased that she can see past my numerous faults! But doesn’t mean I won’t question her past! Secrets will make or break a relationship and so far, I’m not happy with what I’m finding!” Brooke and Twilight stared at the ranting earth pony, stunned at his tirade. His chest heaved as he sucked in lungfuls of air, his cobalt orbs flashing with emotion. Twilight shook herself and went back to the tome, leaving the two other ponies to settle their differences.

As she skimmed the pages, she noticed a curious set of smudged figures unobtrusively left in a corner, almost as if the author had scribbled them down in an afterthought.

“Brooke?” Twilight said. “What’s this? I don’t recognize this language.” Purple Heart growled and turned away, leaving Brooke to look back to Twilight. The blue archivist unicorn blinked down at the figures and began nodding.

“Oh, that’s a Heritage Spell,” she said. “A lot of royals use that to make sure their children weren’t born out of...um...infidelity.” The purple alicorn blinked and her eyebrows rose.

“Purple!” she squeaked. “We could use this to find out about Amber’s parentage!” The purple earth pony turned around and blinked several times at the smudged characters.

“It’s worth a shot,” he mused. “How do you learn it though?” The Discord-voice echoed throughout the near-empty archive.

“Twilight has learned the Heritage Spell,” the voice boomed. “This spell can only be cast three times.” As silence fell on the trio, Twilight and Purple Heart looked at each other.

“Huh,” the purple barbarian grunted, “that was fast.”

“It was,” Twilight responded, turning to Brooke. “Thank you so much for your help.” The blue unicorn smiled and dipped her head.

“Happy to be of service,” she said, watching the two ponies rush from the Archives.

“Now we just have to find Amber Glitter,” Twilight panted as they galloped through the castle corridors, drawing many a confused eye from the staff as they went.

“Well that shouldn’t be too hard,” Purple Heart replied, trotting smoothly beside the purple alicorn. Twilight arched an eyebrow at the stallion.

“And what makes you say that?” she queried. A jerk of his head in the direction they were going caused Twilight to look and see the golden unicorn they were searching for. Amber Glitter looked up from her book in surprise as Twilight and Purple Heart approached her. Seeing their heavy breathing and wide eyes, she allowed fear to rush through her.

“What is it?” she asked, panic leaking into her voice. “Is something wrong?”

“Not really,” Purple Heart responded while Twilight caught her breath. “We just want to cast a quick spell on you.”

Blink. “Beg pardon?”

“I cast Heritage Spell on Amber Glitter!” Twilight barked. A silver shower of sparks sprinkled from the purple alicorn’s horn and rained down on Amber Glitter, dousing her in spell’s magic. The sparks settled on the Princess and ran over her body in waves before disappearing into her coat. Amber shivered and sneezed, puffing the cloud of sparks into the air where they hung there, roiling around in a frenzied torrent. Seconds passed as the cloud split and became individual letters. The letters zoomed around, assembling two names. The trio of ponies gaped in awestruck silence.

“Well carp,” Purple Heart mumbled, praying that nopony was watching them. “Things just got a lot more complicated.”

Hovering before Amber Glitter were two names:

Father: Melee Glorious (living)
Mother: Vale Blossom (deceased)

* * *

Light Patch looked towards the pegasus next to him. “So, what’s the real reason you’re coming with me?” Rainbow Dash sighed.

“Let's examine my options: I could have tried to convince Wits End to send me with Purple Heart rather than Twilight, which would have let me look at really old documents about who is whose parents,” Rainbow said, flitting a little closer to the pegasus stallion. “Or I could have tried to go with Wits End and stir up rumors with nobles, and risk falling into the same thing that happened to Purple Heart. Or, I could go risk a paper cut with Applejack. Oooor, I sit back and enjoy the entertainment value of your shenanigans,” the pegasus finished listing off.

“I’m so glad I can entertain you,” Light Patch said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Yeah, me too,” the cyan pegasus replied, ignoring his sarcasm. “Overall, this bit of the adventure has been fairly stale for me, all this intrigue and sneaking around.” She waved a hoof dismissively. “To be honest, the Daring Doo books never did those bits all that well, I’ve really only read a couple of series’ that were heavy on intrigue I enjoyed.”

“It’s not what I tend to look for either, but every now and then you find one where the author does it just right,” the grey pegasus responded. “What ones can you think of?”

“Well, the first in the Town of Sparks was fairly good. And there was this gryphon one named CheifKiller Essays.” Rainbow Dash thought for a few moments. “That’s all I can think of right now. What about you?”

“Well, there was this suspense-slash-survival thriller named the Maretion, which I really enjoyed. And the Holdsafe series is a lot of fun.”

“Huh, they sound kind of interesting. I’ll have to ask Twilight if she knows where I can get them.” She alighted on the ground in front of a farrier’s shop. “Looks like we’re here. So, what’s the plan?”

“I thought I’d ask if we could copy, or maybe even borrow, the royal document for his work order. Then I thought we’d try for a few other smiths, preferably weapon and armor smiths for further proof. And then finally I thought we’d scout around and see if possibly we could find some pony in the militia or army and get some kind of proof from one of them about their mobilization orders,” Light Patch responded, trying to not look hesitant to enter the farrier’s shop. “Well, mares first.” Rainbow Dash looked at the grey pegasus with an arched eyebrow, but after a quick shrug entered the building.

“Hello,” a voice greeted them from further back in the shop. “Thanks for coming in, but I’m afraid I’m- Oh!” A yellow and purple maned, orange coated earth pony mare walked around a corner. “Light Patch! It’s good to see you again, but what are you doing back so soon? You looking to see if I can squeeze her in to be shod as well?” The farrier mare asked, gesturing to Rainbow Dash.

“Actually, Shureshod, I was hoping that you could-” Light Patch started before the orange mare suddenly yanked one of his hoofs towards her.

“Something wrong with the shoes?” She asked, twisting the grey pegasus’ hoof every which way. “I knew I shoulda used the bigger ones I had spare.”

“No, actually, the shoes are-” Light Patch tried again, still being ignored.

“Don’t worry about it. I can have you reshod quick as a bug spits,” the mare said, dragging the stallion towards the back of the shop. “Then we can use the smaller ones you for your friend here,” she continued before snagging the cyan pegasus’ tail in her mouth. Before either could lodge further complaints, they found themselves in her work space. “And don’t you worry about taking up my time. I’ve already just about finished my part of the royal order.”

As soon as her tail was free, Rainbow shot up into a rafters and assumed safety. “That's what we came to talk to you about,” she said, looking down.

“Wush aboush shem?” the farrier mare mumbled around the rasp she was using on Light Patch.

“We were hoping you’d let us borrow or make copies of them. We need them to, uh.” The multi colored pegasus paused looking for words.

“We need them to win a bet,” Light Patch said in a resigned tone of voice as Shureshod finished removing the last shoe.

“You can take’em. I don’t need them anymore. I’d have probably just used them as tinder for starting a fire and- Hold still or I’ll nail you to the floor,” She bit out at the fidgeting stallion. “So go ahead and take the ones you need. They should be somewhere on the top of the workbench.” The farrier finished with a wave towards the mentioned furniture. “Stop fidgeting like a filly getting her first dress!” Rainbow Dash chuckled as she listened to the back and forth between her friend and the farrier while she searched for the document. After a couple more minutes of shuffling the papers around, she found nicer looking parchment covered in official looking hoof-writing. She rolled it up and stuck it in her bag.

“Found it! How much longer till you’re do-” She turned around to see a now fully reshod Light Patch studying his shoes as Shureshod checked for any last adjustments to be made. “Wow, that was quick,” she finished, not even trying to hide her surprise.

Shureshod smiled at the praise. “Well, what can I say; I’m one of the best. So, you ready to get your own?” The farrier mare’s eyes widened in surprise as Rainbow shot into the rafters again.

“She’s got really sensitive hooves,” Light Patch said, waving it off while ignoring a Discord sounding voice informing him of his improved unarmed attack. “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know any other smiths who’ve finished their parts of the order do you?”

Shureshod’s face scrunched up in thought. “I do know one or two others who’ve finished, and I know a couple who are close. Why do you ask?”

“The more proof we’re able to gather up, the more likely we are to win the bet,” the grey pegasus said.

“Ah, I gotcha. Well in that case, you’re gonna wanna write this down,” the orange coated farrier said before beginning to list off other smiths they could ask. After a few minutes, they finally said their goodbyes and left.

“Wow, not even Caramel was that fast of a farrier, and it’s his special talent,” Rainbow said, glancing back at the entrance to Shureshod’s smithy.

“Great, now I’ve gotta get used to this set of shoes,” Light Patch muttered before looking at the mare. “You know—I’m getting surprisingly used to saying this—splitting up might work in our favor here. We got a fairly large list of smiths to check.”

“Yeah, she probably listed just about every metal worker in the city,” the Rainbow Dash said, looking at the mentioned list. “I’ll take the top half and you take the bottom?” she suggested.

“Sounds suspiciously like a plan,” the stallion responded. “Also, keep your eyes peeled for any army or militia ponies, and see if you can get them to write their orders down, or at least get some more verbal confirmation.” The cyan pegasus gave a quick salute before racing towards the first smith for her to check.

Light Patch watched the mare go before turning and starting to stumble towards the first smith on his part of the list.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 49: NAAANTS INGONYAMAAAA YER A QUEEN A GLITTA

Applejack tapped a pile of papers on the table, putting them in line. “Well,” she said, with a look of pride on her face, “that oughta ‘bout do it, Ah reckon.”

Fluttershy nodded. “I think so too. All of the information we’ve gathered so far, all in a hopefully easy to understand package. What do you think, Pinkie Pie?”

“It’s terrible!” Pinkie flung a set of blank multi-colored pages into the air, wrapping her forehooves over her head. “How am I supposed to plan a party around this? How, I say!”

The orange farmpony blinked slowly. “Pinkie. This ain’t a party plannin’ meetin’.”

There was silence for several seconds. “Oh.” Pinkie swept her papers to one side, knocking them off the table. “Never mind then. It’s perfect.”

“Glory to Hoofstotzka.” A mint-colored unicorn dropped into the seat across from the three mares, his cap pulled down over his eyes. “Papers, please.”

Applejack raised her eyebrow. “Say what?”

Wits End sighed, pushing his cap back up. “You’re lucky I don’t have my Yes-Slash-No stamps.” He leaned over the table to read the documents. “These are terrible. Everything’s written upside-down.”

“Try to be serious for a short time, dear,” Rarity sighed, taking a seat next to Fluttershy. “They look fine, girls. And the nobility is all ready to jump all over those papers.”

“Stop the presses!” a grey pegasus shouted after barging through the door, causing Fluttershy to duck under the table in surprise. He clumsily trotted over to the shared table and plopped down into the seat next to Wits End.

“Stop the presses, really?” Rainbow Dash asked taking a seat as well. “You spent half the walk back thinking to go with that?”

Wits sighed. “Trust me. He could’ve come up with something much worse.” He sat back in his seat. “So, how went the back-up gathering?”

“I got reshod,” the pink and brown maned pegasus said, lifting up a hoof to show the larger shoes, “and we got the official royal orders to several smiths for weapons, armor and other supplies a military would need extras for in a war.”

“We also got some written statements from a couple of the militia ponies still in the town regarding their marching orders,” Rainbow chimed, adding their papers to the stack. “For however much those do.”

“I’m sure they’ll be useful,” Fluttershy muttered, sorting the papers into a better order. “I guess we’re just waiting for Twilight and Purple Heart then…”

Wits groaned. “Hopefully it won’t take him five days this time.”

Before the mint-colored pinto had even finished speaking, the incessant sound of repetitive cursing could be heard drawing ever closer to the group.

“Carp, carp, carp, carp, carp. Not good. Not good at all.”

“How is this not good? She actually has a claim!”

“Yeah, but now that paints a target on her back. Carp, carp, carp, carp, carp. Why does this always happen to us? Oh yeah, we’re us. Bad things come in threes, courtesy of your local Colt Trio. We’re here til Thursday.”

A frown spread over Wits End’s face as he listened to the approaching voices. “Ordinarily, I enjoy the sound of someone suffering mental torment. This, on the other hoof, sounds like more trouble than it’s worth.” With that said, Purple Heart cantered briskly into the inn, a pained look of discomfort on his face. Amber Glitter and Twilight followed shortly after him, worried expressions on their respective faces.

“You can bet your minty magical stord this is more trouble than it’s worth,” the purple earth pony ground out. “Turns out, we found why Amber hasn’t been in Gallopilli despite being born here.” He swung his gaze to focus on the other five mares and the two colts. “Go on. Have a guess.”

“She was on a mission from the gods to get the band back together?” Light Patch threw out.

“She’s actually an extraterrestrial from the planet Vulcolt, here from the future to help us fall in love with the mare who will-” Wits stopped at the looks Rainbow Dash and Rarity were giving him. “Too much thought for a rhetorical question?”

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. “She’s actually the long lost daughter of the sister of the king and an old grizzled gladiator, but she was too young to remember her parents, so she only returned recently to learn about her past, which you two have uncovered with an ancient spell?” She looked around at the confused looks the other ponies shooting her way. “What?”

Wits End narrowed his eyebrows at the pink mare. “Pinkie, that has to be the most ridiculous, unbelievable, impossible suggestion I’ve ever-”

“He’s the Master of the Arena, but yes,” Purple Heart interrupted. “Props to Pinkie. Have a cupcake.”

Wits blinked blankly. “What.” The rest of the Mane Six stared at Purple Heart, dumbstruck at his confirmation.

“All hail Princess Amber Glitter,” Purple Heart said, raising a hoof towards the golden unicorn. “Daughter of Lady Vale Blossom and Master of the Arena, Melee Glorious. Also the only pony I’m willing to put on the throne of Gallopilli as of fifteen minutes ago.”

Rarity cleared her throat. “Well. That… changes some things, doesn’t it?”

“It changes a lot of things!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “How’re we supposed to trust her now? What if she’s just using us to get at the throne?” She folded her forelegs in front of her chest. “We could all just be pawns in her nefarious plan, for all we know.”

“Rainbow’s rampant paranoia aside,” Wits End said, “this does put us in a very uncomfortable position; like having a hind leg wrapped around the back of your neck.” He turned to look at Amber. “Whether it was your intention or not, Amber, if anypony in the nobility puts two and two together, it’ll look like we’ve been working to put you on the throne from the beginning. Did you know about any of this before meeting with Purple Heart and arriving here in Gallopilli?” The golden unicorn shook her head rapidly, eyes wide with shock.

“None of it!” she assured. “I only got an anonymous missive from somepony here in Gallopilli saying it would be in my best interest to visit. While we traveled, Opal got taken by the bandits and I met Purple. I didn’t even know why I was called a princess until today, or even knew my parentage.” Light Patch leaned over to Twilight.

“Hey Twilight, did you happen to read what the punishment for an attempted overthrow of the current king is?” he asked.

Twilight thought for a moment. “The first thing that would happen to a convicted revolutionary is that they’d lose their hindhooves below the tarsus. Then their forehooves at the fetlocks. And then their muzzles. After that is their left eye, followed by their right. And then-”

Light Patch’s laughter drew the gaze of all the ponies at the table. “Awesome, let’s do this.” He turned to look at the others at the table. “So, we got everything we need?”

“Welp, I dunno about what you’ve all got, but I’m ready to overthrow the king,” Purple Heart said cheerfully, only for his brow to furrow in confusion. “What, you don’t want proof that we’re telling the truth?”

“Why would we?” Wits asked, a slightly deranged tone in his voice. “I mean, this only has the potential to sabotage everything we’ve done since the very day we arrived in this city. The worst thing that can happen is that we die horrible, gruesome, lengthy deaths. Why would we need any proof for something like that?” His lower-right eyelid twitched as he laid his head on the table, Fluttershy cautiously patting his head from maximum reach. Purple Heart ignored the soothing gesture and shrugged.

“Huh... I guess we have an extra pop on that spell if we need it,” he mused. “Now, I’m ready to potentially have an appendix dominating death. Lessgo.”

“We’ll have to be as mysterious as the dark long of the shoe if we’re to succeed,” Light Patch responded, grinning. “Let’s do this.”

Wits End sighed as he stood up. “Fine. Whatever. Let’s do with with all the force of an angry campfire, then.”

With large grins on their faces, the three stallions raised a forehoof and sang, “Masculinity!” before charging out the door of the inn.

The mares sat in stunned silence for a few minutes before Rainbow managed to find her voice. “Does anypony else feel like we’ve missed something?”

“We always seem to miss something with that lot,” Pinkie replied, “and if we don’t hurry we’ll miss something right now!”

* * *

“Okay, this is just ridiculous,” Twilight hissed.

“And why do you say that?” Purple Heart asked softly as he rested against a wall of the antechamber leading into the throne room.

“I thought we’d be bursting in and ranting to high heaven about how Bastion is a bad pony and he should be arrested,” the purple alicorn whispered to their group. “Instead, we took a number and we’re waiting on HIS convenience.”

“If you think about it, this is a safer approach,” Purple Heart commented lightly, causing the rest of the mares present to perk up with interest. “Instead of barging in and announcing to the world that we are here to challenge Bastion only to be arrested on the spot, we have been given a legal reason to see the king. After all, the king is required to hear the daily grievances of his ponies, isn’t he?” He smirked as he watched realization wash over the mares’ faces.

“I’m with the sparkly vampire pony; this is stupid,” Light Patch chimed in quietly. “The revolutionaries in Prance didn’t have to wait in a line to chop the king’s head off.”

“Haven’t you seen ‘Les Misérchevux’?” Wits End asked, leaning against a nearby pillar. “The revolutionaries also had to try three times and lost terribly in the first two wars. At least this way, we can practice what we’re gonna sing as we’re executed.”

“We’re not gonna be executed,” Applejack said shortly.

“Do you hear the ponies sing?” Wits muttered in a musical tone. “Singing the song of how we’re screwed~”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “We simply need to be diplomatic about how we go about this. We present the documents, make our case, and appeal to the nobles we’ve already convinced of Bastion’s corruption.”

“And what if that doesn’t work?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Then we crush them completely and totally!” Rainbow Dash shouted, beating her forehooves together.

“Subtle,” Applejack groaned. “They’ll never see us comin’ now, Rainbow.”

The rainbow-maned mare glanced around. “That could’ve been anypony,” she said quietly.

“And everypony knows it’s you,” Purple Heart retorted. “I mean, look around.” He gestured to the glares and disgusted looks the other ponies in the casting at their little anarchist group.

“All of them are probably more interested in the fact that Princess Amber and her potential consort are here,” Twilight pointed out. Purple Heart waved a hoof dismissively.

“I bet ten bits they think I’m gonna ask for permission to marry her,” the purple barbarian said.

“It’s not too late to switch the plan to that,” Wits cut in. “It’s not too far out there, it’d be a cute wedding, it doesn’t involve us being labelled as traitors to the crown…”

“I can be the best stallion. I actually do clean up fairly good,” Light Patch chimed in. “You’ll have to settle for me winging my best man speech though.”

Purple Heart’s death glare wasn’t missed by the Mane Six. Nor was the meaning behind it:

No.

The glare was there for a split second and then disappeared, his face returning to a more amiable expression. “Hopefully, they’ll call out number so that this conversation will end.”

And lo...

“Now serving number 31?”

“Well, whadaya know.” The purple earth pony trotted over to the doors and showed the guard the parchment tab with the number on it.

“Feels like it took them forever to get to that number?” the grey pegasus mumbled as he followed the others into the room.

Wits stopped before passing the guard. “You should at least have some magazines out here or something.” The guard rolled his eyes as the mint-colored unicorn trotted through the doors.

The Mane Six plus Amber walked after the three colts into the throne room to dead silence. Retainers and other court officials watched the group like hawks as they walked up towards the throne. They all came to a stop several paces from the base of the throne, shifting under Bastion’s piercing gaze. The dark blue pegasus cocked his head to one side as he looked at them, his dark eyes settling on Purple Heart. After a moment of silence, Light Patch and Wits End glanced at each other. With a shared nod, they both kicked a certain purple earth pony’s flank to the front of the group, eliciting a surprised yelp.

King Bastion arched an eyebrow while the court either tittered in amusement or murmured rumors.

“And what,” the royal pegasus rumbled, “would give the Champion of the Coliseum reason to come before me?” His hard eyes flicked to Amber Glitter for a second before returning to the purple barbarian. “Perhaps you wish to court a member of the ruling class?” Purple Heart swallowed and looked up at the one pony who could make his day go from bad to worse; save Wits of course.

“King Bastion,” he addressed as respectfully as he could. “What is your opinion of the provinces lost to Ghuilder and Phloren?”

Bastion’s face took on a more steely look at the purple stallion. “My father giving up those provinces was a necessary measure to maintain peace.” Bastion replied, his voice strained.

Purple Heart nodded. “Indeed it was. So why is it that you are trying to incite war between the two countries?” All noise in the throne room dissipated, leaving the room desolate. Bastion’s eyes hardened considerably.

“And what makes you say that?” the king asked, his voice low and dangerous. Purple opened his mouth to reply then closed it, looking at Wits End.

“You know the material,” the purple earth pony pointed out. “You tear him apart.”

“Leave the exposition to me,” Wits said, stepping forward and looking out at the assembled nobleponies. “As we all know, the diplomatic relationships between the kingdoms of Phloren and Ghuilder started to decline over a year ago. However, this decline had stabilized to a level of simple distrust a few months later, and remained at that level.” He took another step forward, locking eyes with Just Duty standing in the ranks of the court before returning to his explanation. “That is, until six months ago, when a minor border conflict sparked up.

“While the cause of this conflict is unknown, it occurred close enough to Roania’s borders to warrant the attention of its ruler. King Bastion,” the mint-colored stallion paused to nod his head to the seated lord, “stepped in to act as a negotiator and go-between for the two neighboring nations. A noble gesture. At least, from all obvious appearances.” He nodded to Twilight, who stepped up with the compiled documents.

After a moment to compose herself, the alicorn began. “Sixty years ago, during the reign of King Behemoth, Roania lost the lowland provinces to the United Kingdoms Phloren-Ghuilder. Despite the great accomplishments of Behemoth during his rule, the loss of the lowlands was considered a major failing of his and his family line. So much so, in fact, that shortly before his death, King Behemoth was quoted as saying that ‘the reclamation of the Roanian lowlands is a matter that must be completed, be it by my hoof or by my descendants’, at any and all costs.’” Twilight looked up, her eyes narrowed at the ruler in front of them. “At all costs.”

“Now,” Wits continued calmly, “shortly after King Bastion’s involvement in the talks between Phloren and Ghuilder, things started going downhill much faster. Cessations of trade agreements, seizure of property, expulsion of immigrants, and so on. All the while with Bastion working day and night to do…” He turned back to the king. “To do what, exactly?”

“What are you insinuating?” one of the nobles asked, doubt obvious on the faces in the crowd. “That the king is some sort of warmonger?”

Wits End recognized the noblemare as one that Rarity had prepared earlier. “Light Patch? Tell me, what is the state of the Roanian military right now?”

With a nod, the indicated pegasus stallion stepped forward and held up some of the royal orders to the smiths up. “Extra, extra, Roanian military mobilizing!” Light Patch said in his best newscolt voice. “‘The king has commissioned local smiths to produce several goods that a military would need, in quantities unneeded for times of peace,’ say smiths. Food merchants report rural border towns drawing in more food than most cities. And some militia soldiers claim they’ve received orders to march!” The stallion lowered the sheaf of papers and stepped back into the group, giving a small nod to Purple Heart. “The king’s cart is wreaked. Total it.” he whispered. Purple Heart nodded and stepped forward.

“All right,” he said. “Let’s recap: King Behemoth gives away the provinces of Phloren and Ghuilder to promote peace. You become ruler of Roania and believe those provinces are Gallopilli’s, and yours, by right. You sow the seeds of conflict and distrust amongst both sides and just sit back and wait for the implosion to begin while your army masses near your borders, ready to retake both countries in the name of reinstating peace. All in all, I give your plan ten outta ten. Up until the point we figure it out.”

Silence. The entire court was absorbing what had just been revealed to them. Purple Heart turned to walk away, having wrapped up his and his friends’ argument in a nice bow. He paused, remembering the request he had received back on the road. Glancing over his shoulder, he looked at Bastion.

“Also, killing Vale Blossom didn’t do you any favors,” he commented before walking the rest of the way to where his comrades stood.

The silence in the room was almost deafening. Groups of the nobility whispered amongst themselves, considering what the group of adventurers in front of them had put forward. While the court was busy, nopony noticed the look one snow-colored stallion received from the young unicorn. “Given the information brought to light,” Holdfast said slowly, stifling the smile threatening to form, “I move for a vote of no confidence in King Bastion, on the grounds of tyrannical personal actions against the wellbeing of Roania and its citizens.”

“I second the vote,” Just Duty said, stepping forward. “His actions will leave us surrounded by nothing but enemies. Furthermore, he holds no just claim to the surrendered provinces anymore. These documents prove it,” the older stallion said, holding up papers his own search had turned up.

The muttering of the court reached a fever pitch as both sets of evidence started circulating, with the murmurs falling silent as the ponies looked over the papers. Slowly, hooves raised in the air. Before too long, every hoof was pointed skyward, the eyes locked on the pegasus in the throne. King Bastion looked around, his gaze raking across each pony before settling on Amber Glitter. For a split second, a flash of recognition sparked in his eyes. Then he lowered his head.

“I, King Bastion, do abdicate from the Royal Throne of Roania,” the regal pegasus declared, stepping down from the high seat. His wide wings flapped once, sending him coasting down to where Purple Heart stood. With great care, Bastion removed his crown and hoofed it to the purple earth pony before leaning in to whisper in Purple Heart’s ear.

“She’s the daughter of Vale Blossom,” Bastion whispered, “isn’t she?” Purple Heart blinked once and nodded almost imperceptibly.

“Beware, Champion of the Coliseum,” the navy pegasus warned. “You aren’t out of the woods yet.” Leaving the court confused, Bastion departed, letting the doors to the throne room swing shut on oiled hinges.

Silence reigned as the court absorbed the recent events.

After a moment, Pinkie Pie spoke up. “So, this is where somepony plays the triumphant music, right?”

“I was thinking that too,” Wits muttered. “If this is a quest, it should be over now. Where’s the experience? Where’s the victory? Where’s the cream filling?” He pointed a hoof at Pinkie, who had somehow managed to get hold of a filled piping bag. “No.”

“Methinks,” Purple Heart said slowly, looking at the crown on his hoof, “we have to help crown a new ruler.” His eyes flicked over to Amber Glitter for a split second before snapping to the throne. “Don’t you agree?” He glanced at Wits.

Wits End glanced at Amber Glitter. He tilted his head from side to side as he thought. “Could be worse… Patchy?”

“I think... that I would make a horrible king, and the crown doesn’t look like it’ll fit me.” His gaze drifted over to Amber. “But if you guys insist,” Light Patch said, taking the crown and dropping it over his helmet. “Huh, this thing’s kind of hea-” He was interrupted by yet another swift kick from Rarity. “I was kidding. Sheesh, no humor.” The stallion took the crown off and placed it in Rarity’s extended hoof. Purple Heart looked around at the small conversations that had sprung up around the throne room. Clearing his throat, he stepped forward and turned to address the room.

“I nominate Princess Amber Glitter as ruler of Roania,” he boomed, his voice silencing all conversations as it echoed through the large chamber. All looked up at him, disbelief obvious on their faces; save two stallions. Amber was anxious about the declaration. Twilight expression was one of satisfaction. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were genuinely surprised, while Rarity and Applejack were only mildly so. Pinkie, on the other hoof, simply stepped forward.

“Sec-” she began only to be interrupted by the doors to the throne room burst open to reveal a hefty looking pony backlit by the afternoon light. Arrayed behind the figure were red-clad ponies sporting strange wide brimmed hats.

“Now, now, my dear ponies,” the figure chided. “It pains me to see that you’ve forgotten me so easily.” The backlit pony stepped forward, his features becoming clear.

Boomer smiled warmly at the assembled adventurer ponies. “Long live the king.”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 50: Outrageous Acts of Royalty

All occupants within the Gallopilli Castle throne room fell abruptly silent upon Boomer’s entrance. None of them had been suspecting the arrival of the Spamish Inquisition, nor had they been expecting the banished Royal to return at a time like this. Then again, he had gone into self-imposed exile after Bastion suggested Boomer leave Gallopilli. So perhaps he was here to claim the throne. Imagine the surprise of the court when Purple Heart groaned in exasperation.

“Ugh!” he groaned loudly, his annoyance echoing around the chamber. “I was hoping you’d wait until we had gotten Princess Amber Glitter installed as ruler of Gallopilli before you come barging in, but I guess plot demands you interrupt.”

Wits End frowned. “There goes the Empressive achievement.”

“Would you be serious for once?” Twilight snapped. She turned to Boomer, trying to ignore the unexpected ponies behind him. “And what are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Boomer sighed. “I’m here to claim Gallopilli’s throne as my own after the unfortunate abdication of my dear brother, Bastion.” Purple Heart scoffed.

“Unfortunate my arse,” the purple barbaran grunted. “I’d rather support Bastion over you. At least he was trying to better his country.”

“But he murdered our sister!” Boomer spluttered. Purple Heart’s eyes shot up.

“Did he now?” he mused, turning to Wits End, Light Patch, and the Mane Six. “Did you find any evidence stating that Bastion was responsible for Lady Vale Blossom’s death?”

Twilight blinked. “Uhh…”

Wits End frowned. “I don’t think…”

Light Patch’s eyebrows scrunched up, “Wasn’t there- No, that was two generations old.”

Pinkie Pie bounced in oblivious glee. “Not a single shred!”

Purple Heart turned back to Boomer, a smirk stretching his lips. “See? Nothing. So how could Bastion be responsible for murdering Vale Blossom?” The purple earth pony noticed Amber tensing as the conversation continued.

“Telepathically?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Secretly?” Wits mused.

“Accidentally?” Applejack offered.

“Inaction?” Light Patch guessed.

“As a matter of fact...” Purple Heart considered. “It was you who suggested we look into any nefarious business Bastion was doing...and they-” he jerked a hoof at his comrades. “-couldn’t find anything except for an intense desire to reacquire the lost provinces of Phloren and Ghuilder. So why would you of all ponies want us to find a reason to depose Bastion...” Silence fell on the chamber as everypony considered the purple earth pony’s words. Then recognition dawned.

“What are you insinuating?” Boomer asked slowly. “That I’m the one who killed Vale Blossom and suggested you look into Bastion’s business as a way to keep any scrutinization off me?”

Wits End tapped the ground with a forehoof. “Pinkie? Table.” A split-second later, a small but sturdy wooden table was placed in front of the mint-colored stallion. “Thank you. Now, if we’re insinuating what I think we’re insinuating...” He took a deep breath, and slammed his hooves on the wooden surface in front of him. “Then that’s exactly what we’re insinuating! Take that!” His eyes flicked over to the nearby purple barbarian. “That’s what we’re insinuating, right?”

Purple Heart nodded, another smirk curving his lips.

“Now, I’m not a hundred percent sure about this,” he began, “but isn’t killing a royal considered a criminal offense? I doubt the ruling class would condone such a ruler who would kill to claim priority to the throne. In other places, it might, but they seem pretty strict here. And I don’t think being the one responsible for the bandit attack on Roads Crossed is helping your case either.”

Boomer stiffened in surprise. “How did you know about that?”

“We didn’t,” Light Patch responded, grinning like a cat. “Until now that is.”

The older stallion recoiled as if he’d been physically struck. “I-I meant about the law, you fools! After all, the bandit’s acted on their own. You have no-”

“Proof?” Chancellor Holdfast stepped forward, distain darkening his eyes. “Of course they don’t. But I do.” He nodded to the cluster of the Mane Six and Colt Trio. “Lord Just Duty isn’t the only pony in the court to run his own investigations. When I heard that a group of adventurers were asking local smiths about weapons and soldiers, it became my duty to explore where exactly those weapons had been shipped to.” He shot a smirk to Light Patch and his shod hooves. “Imagine, if you will, my surprise when I discovered a shipment of enchanted weaponry had gone mysteriously missing.

“It took some investigating and… persuasion, but I eventually traced it back to the order of somepony in the royal family.” The snow-white stallion’s eyes narrowed. “Now, a king has no need to steal his own blades. And a dead princess has no use for them. Which leaves only one choice…”
Boomer blanched, know he was found out. So he did the only thing he could think of.

“Attack!” he bawled. Within seconds, the entire chamber was filled with bandits. Many went directly towards the Mane Six and Colt Trio, intent on dealing with the most dangerous adversaries first before engaging the rest of the ruling class. About a scores worth of bandits had gone directly to attack the members of the ruling class, which was not the smartest of decisions. Had they all gone after the nine ponies defending the princess, they would have only been knocked unconscious. Instead, they went to certain death.

Royal bodyguards were not of the mind that they should ask why one was attacking their charge. They prefered to KILL then ask the dead agitator why they did it. Never were they answered.

As the bandits advanced upon the group, Purple Heart looked at his comrades.

“I’ll take the underlings while you all take on Mister ‘I-failed-Villain-101’,” he offered. “Sound good?”

“Barely even a boss fight,” Wits End muttered, drawing his sword from under his cloak. “Incompetent villain. This is the most disappointing end-boss I’ve ever dealt with. And I beat Mareor’s Edge!”

“Keep Amber safe,” Twilight said, ignoring the mint-colored unicorn’s grumblings. “We’ll finish this up as fast as we can.”

“For the textbeast!” Light Patch shouted before charging a head of the group.

Rainbow Dash readied her bow, watching the grey pegasus as he took off. “What if I wanna fight a bunch of guys at once?”

“Would ya’ll come on already?” Applejack growled, wrapping her lasso around the rainbow-maned mare and dragging her into the fight. The other mares soon followed suit.

Leaving his friends to deal with Boomer, Purple Heart turned to face the oncoming bandits.

“More experience for me,” he chuckled, settling into a battle stance. “I’ll be able to use that blasted gauntlet by the end of the quest.” A sickening crack echoed through the throne room as some poor bandit’s nose was inexplicably crushed, sending him flying back the way he had just come.

* * *

The Mane Six, Light Patch, and Wits End faced off against the elder stallion. “Alright,” Wits said, “it’s eight of us against one terrible old guy. We’ll probably be going first, so we’ll likely be able to one-turn KO this gu-”

“You talk too much,” a voice growled from behind Wits End before hammering the unfortunate pony into the ground with a hoof.

Light Patch whirled around and swung his hammer to ward Boomer away. “The reverse could be said about you,” he quipped, giving a quick heal to the mint colored stallion.

Rarity pulled the stunned unicorn to his hooves. “Are you alright, darling?”

Wits End shook his head, trying to clear the circling birdies away. “When did this game turn into Dark Stallions: Prepare to Friendship Edition?” His head swung around, looking above the fight. “Where’s the turn listing? I thought the real-time fights were just a coliseum thing?”

“Obviously they’re not anymore,” Twilight said. She turned her attention to Boomer, leveling her horn at him. “Lightning Bolt!” The grey earth pony, despite his size and age, managed to barely avoid the sparking attack. Irritation twisting his features, he darted towards the purple alicorn, a hoof raised to deliver a blow.

“Mage,” he grunted. “Getting close will negate your advantage at distance.”

“Getting close means you’re in place for a surprise!” Pinkie Pie appeared between Boomer and Twilight, the fuse of her multi-colored cannon nearing its end. “Party Cannon, fire!” The force of the confetti and gunpowder knocked the elder stallion away. “Huh, witty one-liners are pretty fun!”

Twilight let out the breath she’d been holding. “Thanks, Pinkie. Now, how are we going to handle this?”

Wits End watched Boomer as he tried to get back into a fighting position. “He’s fast, and strong. We need to take those advantages away. The stun won’t last that long...” He looked over at Light Patch and Fluttershy. “We need a distraction.”

“You got it boss,” the grey pegasus chimed, “but what’ll stop him from turning me into pegasus paste?”

“I could summon some birds to help as well, if you don’t mind,” Fluttershy meekly volunteered. “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”

Wits nodded. “Perfect. Get started, don’t get hit. When the moment is right, we’ll strike.”

With a grin, the pegasus stallion spun around and took for a near pass of the still stunned Boomer. Bumping Boomer as he passed, the pegasus inhaled to begin his taunt. “Look at me, look at me, I’m the distraction!” he shouted, cementing Boomer’s attention on himself.

“You’re an annoyance is what you are,” Boomer sneered, whirling around to slam a hoof into Light Patch’s flank.

“Tell me,” Light Patch said, barely managing to dodge his rushed attack, “Do I at least rate higher than a fly in your soup?” A wicked grin crossed the stallion's face. “If not, I’m gonna have to start singing every ear worm song I can think of ‘til one of them catches.”

Boomer growled, lining up for a more accurate blow, when a flurry of feathers covered his vision. “What?”

A flock of pigeons, sparrows, and doves swarmed the grey earth pony, alternating between pecks, scratches, and flapping wings. A short distance away, Fluttershy gestured with a wing to direct another set of waterfowl into the fight. “Get ducked!” she half-shouted, half-whispered. “I mean, stop being mean, I guess? I’m not very good at one-liners...”

Boomer’s rage boiled over as he swung a hoof, sending birds and fowl flittering away for the barest of moments, giving him the respite he needed. “You aren’t a fly,” the grey earth pony snarled at Light Patch. “You’re going to be a smudge on the floor once I get my hooves on you!” He charged forward, bellowing his rage to the heaven as he twisted his body so that his right shoulder was aimed directly at Fluttershy. Had he actually made contact with the pink-maned pegasus, she would have folded immediately under the impact. Fortunately, she wasn’t alone and undefended.

“Horse Cannon Blitz!” In a second blast of confetti, Wits End rocketed through the air at Boomer, wrapping all four hooves around the grey pony’s neck and chest. His weight wasn’t enough to knock the larger stallion over, but it was enough to stop and stagger him. “Now!”

With a grunt, Applejack tossed her lasso around the two entangled ponies. “Over ya’ll go!” The farmpony gave a mighty heave, bringing them to the ground with a tremor. “All yours, Girls!”

“Take some of this! Tri-Shot!” Rainbow Dash grinned as she let loose three arrows.

“This is how a lady handles a swarm,” Rarity quipped, firing a hail of needles at the same time as Dash’s arrows. The numerous projectiles pinned Boomer and Wits’ clothes to the floor beneath them, holding them in place. “Time for the coup de grace, Twilight!”

“You fools!” Boomer screamed. “What will you do when they-”

“Shaddup!” Wits End snapped, smacking the grey earth pony upside the head with his one free hoof. “Don’t you get it? Planning! Teamwork! Sacrifice! You just got clobbered by friendship, old man! Don’t worry; it’s just a little atmospheric discharge. Nothing to worry about!”

Twilight gritted her teeth and took aim. “Sorry about this… Lighting Bolt!” As the lightning criss-crossed across the two stallions, all action in the throne room ceased. Everypony looked and stared as lightning riddled Boomer’s body, eliciting screams of agony from the disgraced royal. Even when the lightning had dissipated, Boomer still shivered and screamed incoherently before he eventually stilled, his eyes glazed over, unseeing as he lost consciousness.

Fluttershy was the first to reach the entangled ponies. “Are you alright, mister End?” she asked.

The mint-colored stallion’s mane was standing on end, occasional small arcs of electricity jumping from hair to hair. Slowly, he turned his head to look at the yellow pegasus. “S-shocking, isn’t it?” With that, his eyes closed and he went limp.

For the first time in the fight, the Discord-alike’s voice echoed above the fighters. “Wits End has been knocked unconscious.”

Light Patch trotted over and poked both of the unconscious ponies. “Looks like they’ve been,” he adjusted his glasses, “short circuited.” He stumbled in pain as Rarity struck him in the shoulder with a hoof.

“The situation does not call for puns,” she sniffed airily.

“Whoa,” Purple Heart whistled, walking over to the group, leaving a groaning bed of bandits under the watchful eyes of several guardsponies behind him. “For your first free-form battle, you did a pretty decent job. Only one of you got knocked out, but that was from friendly fire. Or lightning.”

SMACK.

“What did she say about puns?” Twilight snapped.

“Situation doesn’t call for it,” Purple Heart replied.

“And what do you say?”

“Sorry,” the broad purple stallion mumbled.

“No you’re not,” the purple alicorn sighed.

“Yeaaah. I’m not.”

SMACK.

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 51: Wits End is Dead, long live the End

Twilight sat by a loaded infirmary bed, flipping open a newspaper that had been delivered to the staff. Her eyes scanned over the headline: Royal Rumble, Shortened Fight for the Throne. I guess the news literally travels fast around here, she thought, reading through the rest of the article. Looks like everything is here. Bastion abdicating the throne to avoid answering for our accusations, Boomer’s entrance to claim the throne… Looks like we were only named as “Princess Glitter’s party of adventurers”, though.

She glanced over at the occupant of the bed next to her. A bandage was wrapped around the mint-colored unicorn’s head. Despite Boomer taking the brunt of the lightning bolt, Wits was still unconscious from the damage he’d taken. I guess magic-users need more time to heal than fighters like Purple Heart.

“How’s Mister Smart-Arse doing?” the purple barbarian asked as he trotted into the infirmary. He sat in the chair on the other side of Wits End’s bed, looking down at the bandage swaddled form.

“Well he’s breathing but he’s still out of it.” Light Patch said drowsily, having just been woken from his nap when the purple stallion entered the room.

“I’m starting to worry about him,” Twilight muttered. She turned toward Purple Heart. “I mean, when you got beaten up in your fight against Grim Hammer, you needed a magical item to wake up again. What if Wits needs something too?”

“I wouldn’t be too concerned,” Purple Heart assured. “Wizards are squishy by nature. Given some rest, he should be fine. His Constitution stat isn’t as high mine too. As for my not waking up, I dunno. Discord might’ve pulled that in the name of Plot.”

Twilight frowned. “Still, I feel like this is my fault. Even though it was Wits’ plan, it was still my Lighting Bolt that put him in this position.”

Purple Heart shrugged. “If you’re so worried about it, apologize profusely on bended knee. I’m certain he won’t hold a grudge. We’ve...erm, rough-housed together and sometimes, we hit a tender spot, usually on accident. He’ll hate you no more than he hates us.”

“Yeah, by some miracle we’re still friends, and he and I disagree on just about everything,” Light Patch said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “We've had such long conversations about all of the stuff you shouldn’t talk about if you wanna make and-or keep friends.”

“And what kind of things are you thinking of?” Wits End grumbled, one eye partially open.

Twilight jumped, tossing the newspaper aside. “You’re awake!”

“Hey, the mummy awakens,” Purple Heart chortled. “How do you feel, thunder britches?”

Wits pulled the bandages off, leaving only a few wraps around his forehead. “Like I was the beginning of a villain’s dramatic reveal before starting down the path of darkness. Did we beat Boomer?”

“Yeah, we beat him. You ate the cheerios,” the grey pegasus stallion responded, patting his friend on the shoulder and ignoring the look of confusion from Twilight..

Twilight sighed, nodding in agreement. “Don’t worry about that right now. How are you feeling?”

Wits End pulled himself up to lean against the headboard of the bed. “Fine.” The unicorn’s expression was uncharacteristically stern. “It takes more than lightning to take down a bull moose. Or, something like that.”

Twilight frowned. Something seemed off about him. “Wits End… do you know where you are?”

Wits raised an eyebrow. “I’m in the infirmary, where Purple Heart managed to landed his rump after every single one of his matches.” With a snort, Purple Heart looked over at one of the beds on the opposite wall. A plaque with his name inscribed upon it hung above one of the cots.

“They must think I’ll get injured more,” he mused. “Hopefully not. And why in the carp is the only medical ward in the Coliseum?”

“Can you think of anywhere else there’ll be more wounded ponies?” Twilight responded.

“Barracks,” the hefty earth pony muttered under his breath, shifting irritably in his chair.

The purple alicorn turned back to Wits End. “Do you know who I am?”

Wits scoffed. “How am I supposed to forget Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship?”

Twilight sighed. “I was worried that Lightning Bolt had done something to your brain.” She paused for a second. “Just… out of curiousity, do you know who you are?”

“Of course I do.”

Twilight’s shoulders relaxed. “That’s go-”

“I’m Dragonslayer Ornstallion, Captain of the Four Knights of Lord Glorious Dawn.”

Twilight blinked. “What.”

“Phfft!” Purple Heart sniggered. “C’mon Wits, she’s concerned. At least wait until you’re healed to pull her tail. Though I do admit, I had a suspicion you’d say something like that. Even if you hated that boss battle.”

“I don’t think you have enough equinanity to make that joke just yet dude,” Light Patch said, attempting to hold his laughter in. “Good to know everything is where it should be. Seriously though, how you feel?”

The mint-colored unicorn stared at the two stallions. “I’m always serious,” he said plainly. “Now, where is Artrotias the Abysstrotter? There is a task our Lord of Sunlight would have him handle in Hoovelacile.”

Twilight inched to the side, leaning over to Light Patch. “Is this normal?”

“No, usually he’d drop the facade after you’d call him out on it,” Light Patch whispered back.

After a moment, Twilight looked between Light Patch and Purple Heart before clearing her throat and addressing the mint pinto. “Wi- I mean, Ornstallion?” she said. “Do you mind if we, uh, talk? Alone? Just for a moment?”

The mint-colored stallion nodded, waving a hoof dismissively at them. “Go. I’ll await here for Executioner Smougallop.”

Twilight forced a smile. “Thank you.” She turned, grabbing the two other stallions by the scruff of their necks with her magic, pulling them to one side. “Something is wrong.”

“Okay, I gotta admit that’s a little disturbing,” Purple Heart said, feeling a little humiliated at being dragged along like a kitten. “He doesn’t usually go that far. Not unless he has good reason to. Can you put me down please? I feel like a kitten who scared its mother.” Twilight stifled a snicker, releasing her magical grip on the two colts.

“Okay, yeah, I think that bolt flipped switches that shouldn’t have been flipped,” Light Patch agreed. “Well, Twilight, you’re the magic pony princesses alicorn. Do you know any spells to fix this?”

Twilight shook her head. “Medical magic isn’t something I had to study that much. Definitely not brain trauma. I take it you don’t have anything for this either?”

“I used what I already had and expected it to work…” The grey pegasus stallion paused. “It obviously did not,” he added needlessly. “Well, assuming Discord is willing to play by some standard RPG amnesia tropes I can think of, one thing we can do is wait for a properly dramatic moment for him to remember in time to save us all.”

“I’d say obligatory memory trigger,” Purple Heart surmised. “But we probably won’t have time to wait for that. I think we should reconvene the entire party to discuss this. Or, you could try zapping him again. Until it makes him remember being Wits End, unicorn snark extraordinaire instead of hateful half of a ridiculous boss battle.”

“Again?” Twilight frowned. “Do you really think that would work?”

“It is another standard RPG trope—more of a comedic one, though—just keep hitting him with the lightning bolt till he remembers,” Light Patch said, shrugging.

Twilight thought for a moment. “Well, this is Discord we’re talking about…” She sighed. “I suppose the worst that can happen is that he has to recover again. Alright, I’ll try it.” She turned back to the infirmary bed, where the seated stallion had been spinning the rolled up newspaper like a spear. “Sorry about this, Wits.”

“What are you tal-”

If it was surprising to the nobility in the throne room when lightning dropped from the rafters, that surprise was nothing compared to what the infirmary staff experienced with the lowered ceiling. Wits End’s body spasmed, occasionally lighting up his skeleton in a cartoony manner. Finally, he went limp again. The Discord-alike’s voice followed the resulting thunderclap. “Wits End has been knocked unconscious. Again. Well done.”

Twilight turned back to Light Patch. “Heal him again, please.”

“Roight!” the pegasus said, jumping next to Wits’ bed before hitting him in the shoulder at the same time as he used a heal spell.

Several second passed in silence before the mint-colored stallion moved again. He groaned, pulling himself back up again. “Did anypony get the number of that truck?” he groaned, holding his head in his hooves.

“And now we find out if it worked,” the brown and pink maned pegasus said looking at the two purple ponies behind him, “I’m going to say a name and I want you to give me your honest reaction, okay?”

“Brace yourself,” Purple Heart whispered aside to Twilight. “This might get messy.”

“What do you mean?” the purple alicorn asked confusedly. Wits End spoke before Purple Heart could respond.

The stallion frowned. “I’m confused and terrified by what’s going on. Go for it.”

The pegasus backed up a bit, “Ornstallion.”

“Freakin’ Ornstallion and Smougallop!” Wits End practically exploded with rage, leaping to his hooves on the bed. “Moon-banished dash spear lunge carp, freakin’ butt stomps and lightning shootin’ every whichaway!” He held up a hoof, which was shaking angrily. “Three days! Three days it took to beat those two! Over fifty attempts! With jerks invading every time I tried to summon Saddleaire! Ran through every healing item I had in store, all of my pine resins, every freakin’-”

“I think he’s better,” Twilight mumbled staring wide eyed at the mint colored stallion as he continued to vent.

“You think?” Purple Heart muttered. “I haven’t heard a rant like that since the Great Doc Debacle in the Winter of ‘14.”

“Tell us how you really feel,” Light Patch quipped, using his final two healing spells until he recharged. “Feel better now that you’ve got that all out, and your mind back?”

Wits End was breathing heavily, his jaw clenched. Finally, he relaxed. “Sorry, what happened there? I blanked out for a second.” He looked over at the three other ponies. “So, did we beat that disappointment for a boss fight?”

“Cheerios were eaten, hero factories were filled, and experience was had,” Light Patch summed up.

“Good. After that planning, I should certainly hope so.” Wits End stepped off the bed, stretching his back in a manner similar to a cat. “Oh, Twilight! For some reason, I think I learned Lightning Bolt from when you hit me.” He thought for a moment. “Which is weird, ‘cause usually it takes a couple of hits for my Learning ability to get something.”

Twilight looked away, her mouth forming a thin line. “Y-yeah, that’s weird.” Purple Heart clapped his hooves together.
“Welp, now that you’ve got all your facilities in working order, why don’t we go deal with throne succession shenanigans?” he suggested. “We’re nearing the quest’s home stretch.”

“You could say,” Light Patch began as the four of them walked towards the room’s exit, “that it’s the final count down~” The stallion finished by starting to transition to song.

“I take it back,” Wits groaned. “I wanna be unconscious again.”

“Sorry, no can do, comrade,” Purple Heart said. “We need your brains to help with Amber’s claim. Maybe… They may still be somewhat toasty after your...shock therapy.”

Twilight used her magic to clamp the singing pegasus’ mouth shut. “If he can rant like he did, I suspect he’ll be just fine. Come on.”

* * *

It took them some time to get out of the infirmary as several of the nurses weren’t exactly confident in Light’s healing abilities and demanded that Wits remain until they themselves were certain of the minty colt’s health. Eventually, they managed to leave and made their way towards the castle, going at the pace of their slowest member. The court had taken a recess for an indeterminant amount of time, citing a request from Purple Heart on the grounds that Wits End was required for providing evidence and whatnot. In actuality, all the court needed to see was the Heritage Spell cast upon Amber Glitter. But Purple Heart and Light Patch wanted Wits present for the quest’s completion. Being unconscious caused a bit of a problem for that desire.

“So why isn’t Amber the empress of Roania yet?” Wits End asked as the four ponies made their way up the castle’s main steps towards the throne room. “If I were you, I’d’ve cast that heritage spell thing as soon as that pitiful boss battle was over with.”

“Being the nice pony that I am,” Purple Heart said, “I wanted you to be awake for the quest’s completion.”

“Ah,” Wits grunted, wheezing at the effort of climbing the stairs. “How... thoughtful of... you.”

“Yes, aren’t I just the epitome of kindness and virtue?” the purple earth pony snarked. Twilight choked back a laugh.

Light Patch just grunted. “And I’m the gosh darned tooth fairy,” the stallion quipped. “In all honesty though, we kind of just wanted you there in case something else goes wrong and we need another plan.”

“I feel so loved right now,” Wits End muttered. The group fell silent as they entered the throne room and made their way towards the rest of the Mane Six and Amber Glitter. The six mares were sitting around the throne, chatting in hushed tones amongst themselves. Several of the royals that had remained looked up at the newcomers’ entrance. The clopping of hooves on marble alerted Amber to the advancing ponies and she looked up. Upon recognizing the four ponies, her face split into a grin as she stood.

“Welcome back!” she called cheerily. “How is Mister End feeling?”

“I have a newfound sympathy for Frankenstallion,” Wits End replied dryly. “That aside, I believe we can finally settle this matter of succession.”

“Yes, I believe we can all finally see this issue settled,” Just Duty said, striding to stand in the front of the nobles along with Holdfast. “I believe, before we were so rudely interrupted, that your group was advocating for Amber to take the throne.”

Holdfast nodded. “Indeed. I have to wonder why you nine would go through all of the trouble of deposing Bastion only to suggest a minor noble take the throne in his place.” He gave a small bow to Amber Glitter. “No offence intended, of course.”

“None taken,” Amber replied amiably, her lips twitching as she looked at the Colt Trio. “I think they have a reason though, don’t you?”

“Of course,” Purple Heart piped up. “Given the choice, I personally would choose Amber as ruler of Gallopilli over Bastion or Boomer.”

“That’s a little biased don’t you think?” a royal commented from the crowd. “You are in a relationship with her, are you not?” Purple Heart flushed, nodding.

“Yeah, I guess that would make me seem biased, wouldn’t it?” he mused. “But I’m not totally biased. Let’s look at the track records for the other ponies with claims on this throne, shall we?

“Bastion was plotting to regain lost land. Now, I won’t fault him for wanting to expand his borders or enrich his citizens, heck, all rulers should have that mindset. But they shouldn’t go about doing it in the method Bastion did. War is never a good thing.”

“It never changes,” Wits offered solemnly; although the grin on his face was at odds with his tone. “Sorry. Continue.”

Purple Heart flashed a glare at his mint-colored compatriot before continuing. “War only breeds revenge. And revenge only becomes an endless circle of heartbreak and bloodshed. So yeah, I wouldn’t support Bastion.

“Moving on to Boomer. He kind of made his point just by showing up. I mean, attacking the entire ruling class just to get a stiff, uncomfortable looking chair? Stupid. So, I don’t condone Boomer’s actions. As for Amber Glitter...” The purple earth pony fell silent for a moment, considering his next words carefully. The ruling class watched expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

“Amber Glitter...is an unusual case,” Purple Heart said finally. “In my humble opinion, I don’t believe she has any grand designs on this country further than ruling justly and fairly. As for her claim, why don’t you case that heritage spell, Twilight?”

Twilight nodded. “Lords and ladies of Gallopilli.” She turned to Amber Glitter and leveled her horn at her. “I cast Heritage Spell on Amber Glitter.” The silver sparks rained on the princess once again, settling and rolling over her in waves. After a moment, the sparks flew back into the air, forming letters above her to spell out two names: Melee Glorious, and Vale Blossom

For the first time in many long years, surprise flooded Holdfast’s face. His jaw tightened, his mind spinning as he attempted to regain control. How? he wondered. How could I have missed this of all things? How could- His thoughts snapped into focus as he looked at Wits End, a smug smile spreading over the mint unicorn’s face as he watched the snow-colored stallion. “I see,” Holdfast said, forcing himself to unclench his jaw. “This certainly… changes some things.”

“It would certainly make for a much smoother transition between rulers to have a pony with such a strong legitimate claim to the throne become the next queen,” Just Duty noted. “Even the outside kingdoms will breath a small sigh of relief. Few like it when an unknown takes the throne.”

“Just so,” Purple Heart commented. “It’s lucky we found somepony we believe worthy of taking the throne. Especially after-” The purple stallion was cut off as Just Duty cleared his voice to interrupt.

“I am sorry to interrupt, but while you certainly wouldn’t be the first party of adventurers to play politics in a kingdom, as far as I know none of you are actually Gallopillian, and as such have very little claim to being entitled to influencing the politics in this kingdom,” Just Duty finished. “Please do carry on however.” Purple Heart arched an eyebrow as he went over what he had said.

“Welp, you’re right on the account that we don’t have much influence in the political arena,” the purple earth pony decided. “And if you’re referring to our ability to vote in Gallopilli, you’re absolutely right. We may not be able to vote on who gets to rule Gallopilli, but our task is already pretty much done. We brought Amber Glitter’s heritage into the light. That’s all we really needed to do.”

“Besides,” Wits End said, “the choice is obvious. Unless Bastion’s third cousin's brother’s wife’s step-niece’s great aunt,” he paused to breathe deeply,” twice removed shows up, your decision is between Amber Glitter, a proper member of the royal family, or somepony completely unrelated.” He shot another smug smile at Holdfast. “Sounds like an obvious choice to me, wouldn’t you agree?” The snow-colored stallion remained silent, as if he hadn’t heard the unicorn.

“So,” Purple Heart said. “How does one go about making Amber Glitter the Queen of Roania?”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 52: Villainous minds

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

We have a Holiday Chapter in the CnCMKs: Companion Stories fic if you'd like to read it. Enjoy!

Chapter 52: Villainous minds

“HAPPY CORONATION DAY!” Confetti and streamers flew in all directions with a loud bang, courtesy of the screaming pink mare. “Long live Queen Princess Amber Glitter!” Pinkie said with a wide grin, holding a cake that most ponies were sure wasn’t there the moment before. Amber Glitter rolled her eyes and smiled at the exuberant pink earth pony, nodding her thanks as the small party of friends sat around the food-laden table to celebrate a private coronation party. The public celebration was in occurrence outside in the city proper itself, while the newly crowned Amber Glitter, the Mane Six, and the Colt Trio had a small feast in Amber’s new chambers.

“Wow,” Purple Heart mused from his seat beside Amber Glitter. “I’m surprised the table isn’t creaking under the weight of all this food.” No sooner had he spoken did Pinkie Pie place the cake she had summoned onto the table. A low creak sounded through the room as the table sagged comically under the additional weight.

“I stand corrected,” Purple Heart murmured, standing from his seat.

“Was that really necessary?” Wits End said. “Now we have to do our part to save this poor table’s life.” He pick a donut off of the half-collapsing table, taking a large bite out of it. “I’m doing my part,” he said through the dough and frosting.

Light Patch snagged several items from plates around the middle of the table. “For the good of the table, I shall eat this food without guilt!” the pegasus half shouted before digging into his first selections. “You know, I really hope that most of the food we’re eating here doesn’t count towards our weights when we get outta here. If it does, I’m gonna be waddling around for days trying to work off all of the feasts we’ve gotten ourselves into.”

“Just up your endurance stat,” Wits said, swallowing the the rest of the donut. “Takes care of your equip load, if you know what I mean.” He waggled his eyebrows, earning a look of exasperation from Twilight.

“I’m just sad there’s no sushi,” Purple Heart said, plopping back down in his seat before reaching to grab a piece of confectionary. “Gotta have my raw fish ‘n’ rice.”

“Sushi?” Amber Glitter echoed. “Raw fish? You have strange dishes where you come from.” Guilt flashed briefly across Purple Heart’s face and he smile weakly at the golden unicorn beside him.

“We’re strange colts,” he replied, munching on the piece of condensed sugar. “No shame in that.” Powder rained down from his chin as he spoke.

“I can attest to that,” Twilight spoke up.

“Indeed,” Rarity agreed. “Although, they are irksome at times.” The fashionista leveled a glare at the grey pegasus across from her.

“Oh come on, we’re not that bad,” Light patch said, pausing from his valiant attempts to save the table. “Okay, I’ll admit we’re not the most normal, but from our perspective you six have some kind of strange habits as well.”

“Define strange,” Applejack said, eating a candied apple.

Wits End stared at the farmpony for a moment. He dusted his hooves before gesturing to all three colts. “This. This right here. This is the definition.”

After a moment, Applejack nodded. “Yeah, Ah got it now.”

“So,” Rainbow Dash grunted as she shoveled a slice of cake onto a plate before fluttering over to a lounge, “what happens now?” The ponies all looked at the blue pegasus.

“What do you mean?” Amber asked.

“Well, we just helped you claim the throne and knocked some less than nice ponies out of the running,” Rainbow Dash explained. “Now what?” Silence fell on the party as the ponies thought of what was to come next.

Wits End cleared his throat. “We could invade Phloren and Ghuilder.”

Twilight pointed a hoof at the mint-colored unicorn. “No.”

“Yes, no invading please,” Purple Heart said. “I’d like a bit of a break from life-threatening situations, thank you very much.”

A small smile graced Amber Glitter’s lips as she looked at the nine other ponies. “You could become advisors in my court,” she suggested. The nine ponies looked at her in surprise.

“Okay, I said a ‘break’, not indefinitely,” Purple Heart reiterated.

“You can be the Commander-in-Chief of my armed forces,” Amber decided, pointing at Purple Heart before gesturing to each other pony in turn. “Training, drills, that kind of stuff and leading during war, which I hope won’t be for a while. Wits End can be the political advisor or a diplomatic ambassador. Fluttershy can be in charge of wildlife protection, Pinkie can supervise any events and parties, Rarity can be my personal seamstress, Rainbow Dash my personal bodyguard, Applejack the victuals consultant, Twilight can be the castle archivist, and Light Patch...” She fell silent as she considered the grey pegasus.

“If you say court jester… I’m going to go full on Joker here,” Light Patch said, looking thoroughly unamused.

“I was going to say spymaster,” Amber said innocently.

Wits End spat out his drink. “What?”

Purple Heart began to choke on a cherry danish and Applejack began to pound on his back.

The rest of the Mane Six stared at Amber Glitter in astonishment.

Coughing several times after his throat was cleared of delectable, though dangerous danish, Purple Heart blinked blearily at the queen. “Why would you make him,” he jerked a hoof at Light Patch, “the spymaster?”

“No one would expect him to be the spymaster,” Amber explained.

“Yeah, but that’d probably backfire on you every time I forgot what my job was, because I wouldn’t expect myself to be the spy master,” Light Patch responded before setting his food down for a moment. “And look, while I’m honored you would offer me a place in your court, let's face it: you just can’t put this kind of crazy awesome in a cage. I’ve gotta be free baby, cuz I was born to be wild.” The pegasus stallion finished in a sing song voice.

“Stop that, stop that! No singing!” Wits barked. He turned to face Amber again. “He is right, though. We’re a party of adventurers, not politicians or nobles. We’re not trained for any of those roles. Besides, putting us on your court would likely sabotage all that good standing you earned with the nobility. Better you get some ponies that know what they’re doing.” Amber nodded slowly and turned to Purple Heart.

“And what do you have to say?” she asked, her face blank. Purple Heart didn’t meet her gaze. “Purple?” she prompted, an edge added to her voice. The purple earth pony looked up at her, silent anguish in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak…

...And there was a knock on the door.

Amber sighed in exasperation, glaring at Purple Heart before she leaned around him. “Enter!” she called. The door hinged open to reveal a young pegasus colt fluttering nervously outside.

“I have a message for Purple Heart,” the colt squeaked, lifting a small envelope. Amber’s left eye twitched in irritation and she looked at Purple Heart.

“You have mail,” she huffed. The purple earth pony winced as he stood and walked over to the messenger pegasus.

“My thanks,” he said, digging a hoof into one of his bags for a tip. Passing over the bits and taking the envelope, he smiled and nodded at the young pegasus. “Off you go.” The colt smiled and saluted before darting out of the suite, leaving Purple Heart alone by the door. Several seconds of silence passed as he opened and read the message, broken by the intermittent chewing of foods from deeper in the room.

Pinkie slid slowly in from the purple stallion’s side. “What’s the letter say, Purply?”

The purple barbarian jerked in surprise and glared at the pink earth pony. “It’s really cryptic,” he said. “No name on the note, just asks to meet in the lower city while the festivities are still in swing. I’m gonna go see what this pony wants.” He turned to leave and had almost made it out the door when Amber called after him.

“We’re not done talking!” she snapped. “We need to sit down and chat!”

“Yes ma’am!” Purple Heart barked, turning on a dime to salute fearfully. “Just let me contact my loved ones before you kill me!” He dashed away, not caring what response there was. Amber huffed and looked at Wits End. Her face softened into a mask of resignation.

“You’re all leaving, aren’t you?” she asked softly.

The unicorn’s mouth formed a thin line. “Boy, the timing on this is terrible. Actually, I’ve got something to attend to as well. Having to do with a certain, uh…” He glanced over at Fluttershy before leaning closer and lowering his voice, “a certain letter that you may have seen a couple of days ago, with some advice not to panic.” Amber’s brow furrowed as she recalled the letter in question, then realization flooded her face.

“Ah,” she mumbled. “Very well.” She nodded once at Wits End, almost in dismissal before leveling her gaze to rest on Light Patch. “What about you? Any secret engagements to attend to?”

The pegasus stallion paused to think for a few moments. “I got nothing,” Light Patch began to say before the door opened allowing Just Duty to enter.

“Forgive me for interrupting, your majesty” the blue grey stallion said, giving a quick bow, “but I don’t suppose I could borrow a few moments of Light Patch’s time? There is a conversation I’ve been hoping to finish with the bandit king of the food plateaus of partyshire.”

Amber just waved her hoof, her face scrunched in annoyance. “Guess all the colts have better things to do,” she muttered. “Go on.”

“See, this is why I couldn’t have been a good spy master; even I wasn’t aware of my secret comings and goings,” the pegasus said, getting up to meet Just Duty in the hallway. As he passed Amber he stopped and turned to her. “For the record, though, I am sorry and I’ll be back ASAP.” And with that, he passed through the door.

Wits waited until the hoof-falls stopped echoing through the doorway. “I’ll be back as soon as I can as well,” he said, turning back to Amber Glitter. “With any luck, by the time I’m back, we’ll both be rid of an issue.” He bowed his head before trotting out the door.

Twilight watched the newly made queen for a moment. “Amber? Are you alright?”

The New Queen of Roania nodded slowly as she sat down, forcing a smile onto her face. “I’m fine. Just letting the realization set in.”

“Realization of what, darling?” Rarity asked.

“Things will be a lot quieter without you nine here,” Amber said, smiling sadly.

* * *

Holdfast closed a storage trunk of personal effects, setting it next to the others. “Take these,” he said to a servant in his personal employ. “Put them with the others. I’ll be out in a minute. We leave immediately.”

“Yes, my lord.” The servant bowed, levitating the three trunks behind him as he left. He, and Holdfast’s other personal servants, would be waiting outside of Gallopilli’s walls; just in case the new Queen decided to come after him in force.

Once the unicorn was gone, Holdfast sighed; the sound turning into a growl by the end. He turned to a painting on the wall; an original work depicting a rope bridge leading to a snowy mountainside, a stone keep at its top. After one last moment to take in the sight, he stepped forward, tearing the painting down the middle to reveal a hidden safe. With practiced ease, he opened the safe, retrieving a small bag of gems and a rolled scroll, setting them on a table next to a simple telescoping rod.

Out of idle curiosity, he picked the rod up. It had been the first clue that had led him to Boomer’s involvement with the bandits that had attacked Road’s Crossed; found in a mislaid crate of weapons and other wartime supplies. It was hollow, with its inner diameter just large enough to hold a sword’s hilt, and a mechanism inside that would lock whatever was placed inside in place. Holdfast frowned and let the rod drop back onto the tale.

“Going somewhere?”

Holdfast whirled around to find Wits End leaning against the doorframe, his face set in a smirk that didn’t reach his eyes. “Ah, you.” The snow-white stallion set the contents of the safe on a table nearby. “I suppose you must be commended in some respect. I knew you were working against me, but I never expected you to approach it from such an angle. Lost lost niece of the king? Very unexpected.”

“I have hidden depths,” Wits said, shifting his weight slightly. His cloak moved enough to reveal the hilt of his blade. “Are you planning on a trip?”

“Playing coy now?” Holdfast shook his head. “As if you don’t know. I gave you an order to remove Amber Glitter. Instead, you put her on the throne. I highly doubt you kept what happened from our new queen, so I’m making the choice to leave before she can act on anything we might… regret.” He looked the unicorn over. “Unless you plan on… acting on it yourself?”

“I thought you said that you ‘know me’?” Wits End raised an eyebrow. “Besides, Amber is out of the running for the throne, isn’t she? I’d say I fulfilled your order, wouldn’t you?”

Holdfast shook his head again. “Obviously, I’ve missed some of those ‘hidden depths’ of yours.” He turned, retrieving the scroll. “Then I’ll fulfill my end as well. The scroll is yours.”

Wits End took the scroll, looking over it without unrolling it. “So that’s it? I betray you, you pay me for it, and then you just waltz off into the sunset?”

“I might have underestimated your resolve,” Holdfast said, “but I still know how you operate in these sort of situations. If you were planning to finish me off, you wouldn’t have gone through everything that you have. You’ll let me go because you’re not a killer; nothing more, nothing less.”

After a moment, Wits End tucked the scroll into his cloak, looking down at the floor. “Perhaps you’re right…”

Holdfast smirked. “Then you’ll excuse me if I don’t wish you the best, Mister End.” He started to move toward the door, but stopped when Wits stood up.

“There’s just one thing,” the mint-colored unicorn was saying, his eyes staying down at his hooves. “You said before that you knew me. That I was too good of a pony to try anything.” He looked up, a hardness in his eyes. “The ponies I travel with are good ponies. Purple Heart, who fought in the Coliseum for his freedom. Light Patch, who befriended the outcast of the nobility. Twilight Sparkle, who never stopped questioning if we were doing the right thing, and for the right reasons.”

Holdfast’s smile started to falter. “Are you giving me a speech on friendship, mister End?”

“Not quite. Do you remember Fluttershy?” Wits watched the older stallion for a moment. “I thought not. She’s the one you threatened first. The one pony who wouldn’t raise a hoof to fight back. You knew her weakness, but not her name?”

After a second, Holdfast barked a laugh; one filled with more malice than Wits End had expected. “Do you name every chess piece when you play, mister End?”

“That’s what I thought.” Wits End’s face fell into a strange, emotionless expression. “The ponies I travel with are good ponies,” he repeated. “I... am not a ‘good pony’. I lie. I cheat. I keep secrets from the ponies closest to me. But I pretend to be a ‘good pony’ when I’m around them, because they inspire me to try harder to be like them.”

Holdfast’s jaw was set. The mint-colored unicorn’s face was unreadable. “What’s your point?”

“No real point,” Wits said slowly. “Just an observation.”

“Then get it over with,” Holdfast growled.

“The observation is this.” Wits End paused for a moment. “Those good ponies? Amber Glitter? Fluttershy?” Another pause. The unicorn’s eyes took on a strange glint. “They’re not here right now.”

Steel flashed. Holdfast reeled backwards, one hoof over the newly formed cut running along his right foreleg from hoof the shoulder, splitting the hoof itself into two separate halves. “What’re you-”

“You got one thing right about me, Holdfast,” Wits End growled, placing the tip of his blade on the ground and kneeling to put himself level with the sprawled stallion. “I won’t kill you. That I don’t have in me. Instead, I’ll tell you this. You’re leaving. Right now. You’re running away from this castle and the good ponies in it. You’re running fast, and you’re running far, far away. Because if I see you again,” Wits bared his teeth in what no-pony would mistake for a smile, “we’ll both find out what happens when I stop pretending to be a ‘good pony’. Now, start running.”

Holdfast scrambled to his hooves, sprinting three-legged past the kneeling pony and out the door, leaving a scattered bloodtrail behind him. After a minute, Wits End sighed and stood, wiping his blade clean on the already ruined carpet. “I hope you keep running,” he muttered, pocketing the bag of gems and the rod from the table, “for both our sakes.” The mint-colored stallion sheathed his sword, took a deep breath, and headed back to the party.

* * *

“I’m kind of surprised you aren’t busy at one of the other larger parties,” Light Patch said, following the stallion out onto a small balcony.
“Hah... Being who I am makes parties awkward. I could join a commoner’s party, but I am not among my people so it would only make them nervous to have a noble in attendance. And other nobles consider me lower than them because of my town’s small size and largely unworkable land.

“Besides, I have been busy ‘til now assisting her majesty with the flood of ponies hoping to get the kingdom’s laws changed.” He snorted in annoyance. “Many nobles are hoping to use the newer, and allegedly softer, ruler to have certain laws affecting them or, more honestly, their heavy coin purses struck from the books. Though, there are more than a few hoping to have new ones added.”

“Sounds like oodles of fun,” Light Patch noted dryly. “How could you ever pull yourself away from such riveting and wonderful work?”

The older stallion snorted in laughter. “It was that I’d finally run out of it, for today. Though, I suspect that tomorrow will see a new flood.”

“Most likely. Amber is probably fairly pleased to have somepony to weed out the chaff for her though,” the grey pegasus said, trying to pick out the market district of the town.

“I’m sure she is, though she’ll have to find somepony else as I plan on heading back to my town in the next couple of days. I’ve been away much too long because of everything going on here. Everything that began since your group showed up,” Just Duty said speculatively.

“Hey, we’re adventurers: we go looking for trouble, and sometimes it comes looking for us,” Light Patch retorted defensively.

“Oh, I’m well aware. I did a little of that on my own in my younger days. It’s a part of how I became the noble I am. Slay a few monsters, save some ponies, gave out justice to several bandits, raiders and a few other criminals, and I was awarded leadership of Ibnutas Pass: the town I saved.” Just Duty stood there, silent as he explored old memories, and missed the raised eyebrows from Light Patch at the familiar sounding name.

“I’ll keep that advice in mind when I’m ready to retire from adventuring,” Light Patch said, snapping the earth pony with him out of his nostalgia. “Though I’ve gotta ask: Ibnutas Pass? A fairly different name for a pony town isn’t it?”

“It was named after the explorer who found the pass through the mountains and the plateau the village itself is centered on. He was a Griffon explorer known for traveling by hoof.” Just Duty paused. “I suppose for him the correct terminology should be claw rather than hoof. In any case, he traveled by land mostly rather than using his wings. And not a small feat, considering he traveled over most of the known world by that point.”

“Sounds like quite the explorer,” Light Patch said aloud. Where have I heard this story before... he added, mentally comparing what he was hearing to one of his favorite explorers from his world.

“As pleasant as this has been so far, we’ve strayed from the reason I’ve asked to talk with you alone. Do you remember the question you asked me, back when we first met?” the older noble asked, looking at the brown and pink maned pegasus. “Back at the ball.”

“You mean the philosophical one, about whether or not you’d use time travel punish a pony before they could commit a crime?” Light Patch asked, trying to think of any others he might have asked.

“Yes, that one, I’ve been mulling it over in my mind since you’ve asked it, and I wasn’t able to answer right away,” Just Duty said, but before he could continue Light Patch interrupted him.

“What was going to be your answer before everything happened?”

“Originally, I was going to answer that no, I wouldn’t use time travel to punish ponies for crimes they hadn’t committed yet. Perhaps to stop them right as they start, but because of the interruption, I was left with plenty of time to ponder the question. And after having so long to ponder it, I believe my answer is yes, I would use time travel to capture and punish ponies. They have committed the crime in the future; it is destined to happen.”

“But you could use the time travel to influence them in other ways. You could help them find work if they stole because of a lack of money,” Light Patch countered. “Or grant them charity.”

“And when the charity runs out, they will need money again. And if there was work to be found, they would have already found it,” Just Duty replied tersely. “And again they will have to choose: stay on the path of good and continue to suffer, or stray and steal. If you go back to help them again, it simply means they have once again committed a crime. A crime they chose, and that is the issue: choice. That evil is a choice that can be picked, but with the time travel, I could seal that path, I believe.”

“But is it worth the loss of free will, the loss of choice? What if the ones with time travel define good in a way that most others don’t? What if those in control of the time travel become corrupt, or what if one must do the wrong thing to do the right thing?” Light Patch paused as if searching for the right words. “If you are forcing others to follow your ethics under threat, are you yourself still just in your actions?” The two ponies lapsed into silence, both thinking. “Unless you’ve got something else to say, Just Duty, I think I should be getting back to the Princess and her gathering.”

“I have provided you with my answer… I believe that was the extent of my summons,” the older stallion responded absentmindedly. “With luck, we shall get to talk again before we depart ways.” Just Duty watched Light Patch depart before he turned to look at the stars. If I deny others choice, are my actions still just? Just Duty repeated in his mind. As long as I acted for the good of all ponies, how could I do wrong at all? With that final thought, the lower noble made up his mind and left the balcony to do something he’d been hesitating to act on.

* * *

Purple Heart looked apprehensively around as he cantered slowly down past Gallopilli’s dark and dirty alleyways. The message had been rather lacking of detail regarding where the sender wanted to meet. Just walk around the dark alleyways of the lower city near the wall and the sender would find him. A symbol had been stamped at the bottom of the note: a small tree inside a circle, the thin roots and leafy branches radiating out to brace the ring in soft curves. Competing the symbol was a sun and crescent moon on either side of the tree’s trunk. It was stamped in a dark green color, like healthy lush foliage.

Or the sickly green of a corrupt infection.

Purple Heart glanced cautiously down yet another alleyway, noting the shadows and possible hiding places the dark figure could be dwelling within.

“Hello?” he called, his eyes narrowing as he surveyed the alleyway. “Anypony here?” Silence answered the purple stallion’s question. Then there was a flicker of movement in a shadow near a doorway partway down the side street. Rather, something detached itself from the shadow of the doorway and moved to the center of the alleyway, its form still wreathed in shadow.

“You led me on a merry jaunt through the city,” the purple stallion snapped, frowning past his nose at the shadowed figure as he walked hesitantly towards the figure. “I assume you want to talk to me?”

The figure moved into the moonlight, walking bipedal on reverse jointed legs. It was male as its chest was flat and its shoulders broad. Its muscular and tall physique were bare of clothing and lacked genitalia. The figure was a silvery grey, like a marble-granite that shone in the moonlight and towered over Purple Heart. Long arms ending in five-fingered hands hung limply at its sides while a pair of four-toed feet clacked sharply on the cobblestone street. A blank face with a royal nose and grim mouth was etched upon a head that was covered in long white hair that had been pulled back into a tail.

The one defining feature that the being possessed was a symbol spanning the length of the being’s chest. The symbol was painted on its chest with dark, sickly green ink, much like the paint that made up Purple Heart’s own barbarian tattoos, differentiating them only by color. Purple Heart blinked at the symbol. It was the same one he’d seen at the bottom of the message. And it was identical to another he knew all too well...

The creature’s green eyes blazed like small flames from under a furrowed brow that rose as it looked down at the purple earth pony.

“Indeed, little barbarian,” the being rumbled. Its voice was a deep baritone that seemed to shake the very ground. Window shutters shivered and clattered from the vibrations of the being’s voice.

“Why?” Purple Heart asked, unconsciously backing away from the being. The grey figure chuckled deep in its throat as it noted the reaction and crouched down to look Purple Heart straight in the eye, its elbows resting on rigid knees.

“Simply to give you a warning, little barbarian,” the being crooned, reaching out to pat Purple Heart on the head. A vein in the purple earth pony’s forehead pulsed as he was petted by the being.

“Piss off,” he grumbled, pulling his head from beneath the being’s questing fingers. The being’s face fell, saddened.

“Now that’s no way to treat an old friend,” the grey figure whined in an amused voice that had no business coming from such a being. “You should heed my advice.” Purple Heart’s eye twitched.

“What advice?” he asked cautiously. The grey figure straightened and clasped its hand behind its back as it gazed down at Purple Heart again.

“Be careful around the mares,” it boomed. “They are wary of you and your two friends. The purple winged one with the horn is very curious about where you three come from. Watch yourself. You might not be happy with what happens when they find out who you truly are.” The being turned on its heel and had almost disappeared into the underbelly of Gallopilli before Purple Heart overcame his fear.

“Who are you?” the purple stallion asked, trying to keep his voice from quavering. The being looked over its shoulder, a wicked smile splitting its grey face.

“Bael,” the being replied. “My name is Bael. And I am your greatest enemy.” And with that, it disappeared into the shadows of the city. Purple Heart stood rooted for a long time while panic ran wild through his mind, his face drawn and terrified. The seedlings of doubt and fear had begun to sprout in the purple barbarian’s mind. He turned slowly and began to stagger out of the alley, thoughts of what had just transpired running rampant around his head.

“Aw carp,” he whispered, his dumb walk speeding up to a dead sprint towards the castle. He had to tell Light and Wits about this.

Things had just gotten a whole carpload worse.

* * *

Light Patch quickly strode back down the hallway, still thinking about his recent conversation with Just Duty. Reaching the door, he shook his head to clear his thoughts, saving them for later. Fun now, vaguely troubling thoughts later, he said to himself, readying to open the door. With a smile, he shoved the door open and swaggered in. “You may now behold, the glory that is me,” the pegasus stallion said dramatically.
Amber looked up from where she and the Mane Six were lounging, passing the time until the three colts returned. “How was your chat?” the golden unicorn asked, her voice containing the mildest edge as she looked at the arriving pegasus expectantly. The other mares perked up and turned to Light Patch, interested expressions all around.

“It was interesting. He was answering a question I’d asked a while ago. Then we got into some discussion of philosophy. When is it okay to do the wrong thing to do the right thing, heavy stuff like that,” the Pegasus replied, sitting down on a spare seat, “What about ya’ll? Did I miss anything interesting?”

“You could say that,” Twilight said slowly. “I was running Amber through some of the basic lessons of rulership that I’ve learned from being a princess. We should-”

“Establish her as the darling of the kingdom.” Wits End trotted into the room, cutting in before the purple alicorn could finish. “She’s young, she’s attractive, and she’s a mare. Those three qualities will give her some leeway until she can cement her rule.” He turned to Twilight as the newly crowned queen blushed. “That’s what you were gonna say, right?”

“...No. Where have you been?”

Wits thought for a moment. “Elsewhere.”

“Thanks for the information…”

“That was extremely specific, thank you,” Light Patch deadpanned.

“Ah’ll say,” Applejack snorted, eyeing the mint-colored pinto critically.. “Ah take it you ain’t gonna tell us details until yer good ‘n’ ready, huh?”

Wits End coughed. “So how’s the party going?”

AJ frowned. “That ain’t an answer, Wits.”

“How’s the party going?” the unicorn repeated.

“We need a new table!” Pinkie Pie shouted, holding up a piece of broken wood.

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Is that one of the table legs?”

“Yep!”

“Why did you- Never mind.” The multicolored-maned pegasus turned to the two colts. “After you three left, we moved from eating to lounging. Twilight’s been teaching Amber about being a ruler, and the rest of us have been doing something like this.” She turned onto her back and snored loudly.

Silently getting up, Light Patch grabbed his pillow and lifted it over his head. Without warning to any pony, he chucked it at the still fake-snoozing Rainbow. The rainbow maned pony sprung up and looked around before narrowing in her glare at the one pony without a pillow. “She told me to do it,” he said, quickly pointing at Twilight, “Royal order and everything.”

Twilight leveled her gaze at the grey pegasus. “Are you aware of the ‘eye for an eye’ method of settling grievances?” she asked, passing another pillow to Rainbow Dash.

“Yes,” the grey pegasus squeaked before turning to look at Rainbow Dash lining up her shot. “Where’s a red shirt when you need one?” he whined before diving to the side.

The door to the suite banged open to reveal a panting Purple Heart, his eyes wide with panic as he sucked in lungfuls of air.

And got hit in the face by a pillow.

Light Patch trotted over to where Purple Heart stood in stunned silence. He reverently removed his helm placed it to his barrel. “Your sacrifice is appreciated, and it shall never be-” Before he could finish, however, a second pillow flew straight into the side of the grey pegasus, who fell to the ground gasping. “I’m hit, medic!” he half screamed, raising a hoof into the air before going into an overly dramatic death scene that most present quickly began to ignore.

Shaking his head of the surprise and shock from being hit by a pillow, Purple Heart blinked around, noting the curious looks he was getting.

“Um...” he mumbled. “Back.” Amber arched an eyebrow at the purple barbarian.

“Anything interesting happen?” she pried. Purple Heart glanced around, almost skittishly before looking at Wits End.

“Ehm...” Purple Heart muttered. “Sort of. I’m a little shaken up from the revelation, but I’ll get over it. Maybe.”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Wits asked. “Whenever you give me that look, I get the urge to find a nice deep hole to hide in.”

“Oh, I think I’d join you in that hole,” the purple earth pony commented. “Cuz I’m terrified now.” The ponies blinked. If Purple Heart was terrified of something, there was definitely a reason to be concerned.

“What, pray tell, terrified you?” Rarity asked stiffly. “It must have been truly horrific to make you this skittish.”

“And you’d be right,” Purple Heart agreed, avoiding the fashionista’s question. “Gimme some time to think on it. I’ll get back to you then.”

Twilight frowned. “That doesn’t sound ominous.” She turned to the now completed party of ponies, plus Amber Glitter. “In any case, Amber is now the queen, and she’s set up to rule the best she can. I’d say that this… quest?” She looked at Wits End, who nodded. “This quest is now over with.” With that statement, two words wormed their way into the minds of the adventurer ponies.

“Leveled up.”

Wits End nodded. “I’d say you called that pretty well, Twilight.”

* * *

Just Duty trotted quickly through the castle, hoping to catch up to the pony he wished to speak with. Nodding to the guards, he sped through the castle entrance just in time to see the pony in question crossing through the castle wall gates. Not wanting to lose the opportunity, the old paladin took the steps two or three at a time. Once at the bottom, he bolted again through the gates and caught up with the limping pony. “Holdfast, I wish to have words with you,” the older stallion said, slowing down to follow beside the ex-chancellor.

The snow-white stallion hobbled to a stop, looking over his shoulder at the pony following him. The noblepony those stallions had on their side, Holdfast thought. No threat now, but still an annoyance. “You’ll have to excuse me, Lord Duty, but if you wish to speak with me, you’ll have to do so on the move.” He glanced down at his wounded leg, now wrapped in bandages. “Fortunately, we wouldn’t be moving too fast.”

“That is acceptable,” the blue grey noble said with a nod before looking down at the bandages. “I would offer to assist your wounds, but alas, my blessings have faded taking their magic with them. I bid you a speedy recovery in anycase.” The stallion looked around at the courtyard before turning back to Holdfast. “I was hoping you might have some information I’d find useful. I was curious if there were any rumors or stories about magical artifacts with time control powers or,” the stallion glanced around again as he hesitated, “possibly even the ability to influence minds.”

Holdfast raised an eyebrow. “Where is this coming from?” he asked, continuing to limp his way down the town streets. A thought struck him and he chuckled. “Could it be the Baron has his eyes set on something a bit higher than his township? The newly claimed throne, perhaps?” Just Duty snorted in annoyance.

“No, but a question got me thinking about ways one could better the world,” the earth pony’s eyes took on a faraway look, “and maybe it’s just an old pony’s sense of nostalgia acting up, but being around the adventurers has…inspired me to try my hoof at one last adventure; another attempt and righting the wrongs.”

“Hmm.” Holdfast turned his head forward, watching the townsponies as they passed by the two stallions. “Righting wrongs, you say? By removing troubledoers before they can act, I assume?” He scoffed. “You’d be better off using that power for your own good, rather than deluding yourself like that.” He looked sidelong at the stallion. “Consider this the advice of a pony who’s tasted power: either learn to appreciate your place in the in the pecking order, no matter how low it may be, or give up on those illusions of yours. They’ll hold you back from making real changes.”

The blue grey stallion snorted in anger this time. “I hold no illusions,” he snarled. “I do not seek power for my sake like you do. I seek it to protect others from those who would do them harm. And to save them from themselves. As a paladin, it was my job to see justice done, and good flourish.” He finished, anger etched into his face.

Holdfast chuckled, seeing the rise he got out of Just Duty. “Then perhaps you should’ve stayed with your covenant.” He shrugged, wincing as his weight shifted to his wounded leg. “Or not. Perhaps a paladin’s place is to struggle for his entire life, whether it’s by the blade or by the pen. In that case, your philosophy and your position go hoof-in-hoof. Regardless, you’ll have to struggle without my help. I’ve spent the better part of my life serving this court. I’ve no intention to make my last act here assisting in another power struggle if it doesn’t serve me.”

Just Duty blocked the snow colored pony’s path. “You self serving ba-”

“Now now,” a deep voice rumbled from the darkness of a side alley. “Let’s not get crude, little ones. That would be detrimental to this budding relationship.”

“Relationship?” Holdfast growled as he turned toward the voice. “I’ve had just about enough of relationships for one day. Keep to your own affairs.”

“If I could, I would,” the voice chuckled. “But I can’t, so I shan’t. Besides,” a tall figure, masculine in appearance and bearing, detached itself from the shadows of the alley and moved into the open, towering above the two stallions on a pair of reverse jointed legs ending if four toed feet that clacked against the cobblestones, “I think we all might have something in common.”

Holdfast pulled back, instinctively putting Just Duty between him and the creature in front of them. The larger earth pony, upon seeing the creature, reached for a warhammer that wasn’t there. Silently cursing, the blue grey stallion readied to charge the creature instead. “If we had anything in common,” Holdfast sneered, “then I would be very surprised. What do you want? Keep in mind that one shout is all it would take to summon the town guard to strike you down.” The bipedal figure chuckled again, lifting a hand to pick his nose with the smallest finger.
“That would be rather problematic, don’t you think?” he sighed, his tone amused as he withdrew his pinkie and blew the offending booger away. Then his face became grim, his tone threatening. “You don’t exactly seem like the combative type. I could deal with any guards that should come to your rescue. And that’s not to say that I couldn’t...disable you first.”

“You could likely disable one of us in time, but to disable both of us before either could shout? I doubt it. I may not be a paladin any longer but it’s training still holds some weight. You will not find me easy to disable,” Just Duty replied looking for the beast’s weak points if it came to battle. “But the fact that you’re still talking suggests you have more to say.”

Holdfast grimaced. “Then speak and get it over with.” A smile curved the being’s grey face.

“This is just a suggestion,” he said, “but wouldn’t it be beneficial for the both of you to help each other in Just Duty’s little hold? Holdfast could rebuild his connections there in safety and provide information regarding any interesting artifacts he may come across in return for housing and protection.”

Just Duty frowned as he dropped his battle stance and looked at Holdfast, clearly thinking about the creatures suggestion. I don’t like how he implied that Holdfast needs protection from something, Just Duty thought, but if any pony could find the information I’d want, it would be Holdfast. And as I’ve learned from being a noble sometimes to fight fire, you need to use fire. “I suppose I could be persuaded to offer Holdfast the suggested support,” the ex-paladin said finally, “but if he has any current knowledge of an artifact with the powers I’m looking for, I would like it now, as a show of good faith.” The being flicked his green eyes to Holdfast expectantly, prompting the unicorn to speak with his gaze.

“Absolutely not,” Holdfast growled. “I have no reason to do any such thing. I can establish myself elsewhere just as easily.” He shot a snide smirk at Just Duty. “I could set up in the baron’s own township without anypony being the wiser.” He turned back to the creature in front of them. “And I most certainly wouldn’t consider the advice of anypony- or any creature like you, without knowing what they would gain from it first.”

The grey and green being sighed. “My name is Bael,” he said, “and as far as I know, I wouldn’t gain anything. Except perhaps the assistance of you two.” Bael leaned forward, his face coming extremely close to the two stallions. His green eyes flashed once, sparking with daemonic fire. “Allow me to let you both in on a little secret: I know who’s pulling the strings. I know who even the gods themselves bow to. And what’s more? I know how to usurp him.”

Bael thought that he had just successfully convinced the two stallions to join forces with him and each other. Satisfied he had spoken enough, the grey figure settled on his haunches. To Bael’s surprise, Holdfast burst into short-lived laughter. “The creature is a comedian!” he cried, stepping out from behind Just Duty. “Gods can’t be usurped. They’re concepts; something the masses pray to in hopes of random chance saving them from their fate. That’s why they’re gods.” He turned away, facing the town gates. “Work on your delivery, creature. Maybe the next pony that passes by will be of weaker will than I.”

Bael sighed, shrugging as he rubbed the back of his neck with a long-fingered hand. “Shame you didn’t take me up on that,” the green-eyed being mused. “I would’ve thought you wanted to get back at Wits and his for booting you so unceremoniously out of the high classed life you held, so many strings at the tips of your hooves.” Bael straightened and stretched, grunting in satisfaction as bones popped along his back. “Guess you aren’t the pony for revenge. Read you wrong then. Ciao.” Bael turned and slowly began to meander away.

The snow-colored stallion froze. One word the creature had said had stuck in his mind: revenge. “And how, exactly,” he said slowly, “would doing as you say help with that?” A satisfied smirk curved Bael’s lips as he did a smart one-eighty turn back to face the two stallions.

“Rebuilding your network in Baron Duty’s town would be quicker and easier than having to screen, in pony, any prospective holds you might find refuge in,” Bael pointed out. “Cultivating a beneficial relationship between the two of you would provide security for both parties. You provide information on potentially successful business ventures that could swell your shared coffers while he provides station, housing, and a secure sphere of influence for you. Beyond that, it’s up to you. I didn’t major in organized crime, I’m just throwing out suggestions.”

Holdfast thought for a second. “And your suggestions are… what? Out of the kindness of whatever you have for a heart?”

Bael snorted. “Oh, I’m certain I have no heart, being a creature of pure rage.”

“You seem fairly temper for a being of pure rage,” Just Duty responded from the side where he’d been observing the conversation. “I would expect more spittle and foam from a being that claims as such.” Bael chuckled, waving a hand dismissively.

“Guess my progenitor gave me a bit of his restraint,” he rumbled. “Without it, I would’ve probably done something...drastic after your first refusal. As for ‘kindness’-” he said with air quotes, “I’m doing this out of a need for assistance. I’ll admit it, I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can get by. That doesn’t mean I can plot like you can. So you could say this is a means of convincing you to utilize my services. You may have a bone to pick with a certain mint-colored colt, but I have my sights set on one of his companions: Purple Heart, Champion of the Royal Coliseum.”

“The barbarian?” Holdfast considered what the creature had offered. If I didn’t have to hide my actions, he thought, then I could establish my contacts in no time. “I’d need complete autonomy,” the snow-white stallion said, addressing both Bael and Just Duty. “No questions as to where the bits come from, and no ponies sticking their noses into my business; or that of the ponies in my employ.” He turned back to face the two. “And the unicorn colt is mine to deal with. Whatever your respective relationships with his companions, his end will be by my hoof, and mine alone.”

The ends justify the means, Just Duty thought to himself. “As long as you try to not kill the rest of the them other than your targets, I will not actively hinder you,” he said, fighting to keep the remnants of his paladin instincts under control. I can always turn on them as well, should the opportunity present itself, he further added in his head. “And as for your autonomy, as long as you can keep your dealings under enough wraps that I don’t have to stick my nose into them, you shall have it. But I can’t promise I may be forced to act against you as the crown dictates, or if my subjects lives are endangered.”

Holdfast smiled; an expression that didn’t reach his eyes. “Then congratulations, Lord Duty. Your township is about to become the jewel of Roania. You’ll have what you came to the capital for.” He turned to Bael. “Just for my own curiosity: Grim Hammer. Was he your doing?” Bael grinned and waved his hand. A spool of essence tapered from his fingertips and coalesced into a craggy, lifeless shell of a pony. With a snap of Bael’s fingers, green flames sparked beneath the pony’s cracks, bringing the construct to ‘life’. Five lines connected Bael to his puppet and he flexed his fingers, commanding the shell to salute the two stallions before it.

“That answer your question?” Bael asked, waving the hand again to banish the construct.

“Indeed it does.” Holdfast turned back to Just Duty. “I can provide you with the location of just such an artifact as you’re looking for. In exchange for a letter of introduction to your mayor to be delivered before I arrive in your little town, of course.”

“That will work,” the blue grey stallion replied nodding. “I will get the letter written tonight, and have one of the fastest messengers I have on retainer start out to deliver it as soon as it’s done. I’ll instruct my mayor to set you up with your choice of a few different houses in the town, as well as some coin from my coffers to help you get started.”

“Well then,” Bael crowed, clapping his hands, “I have a few things to deal with in the next few days. If you want to contact me, stamp any letter you want with this and I’ll receive it in due course.” Twirling the fingers of both hands, Bael created a pair of stamps that he then tossed to the two stallions. “May this venture be fruitful for the all of us. Adieu.” Bael departed, striding languidly into the darkness of the alley, his four-toed feet clacking against the cobblestones as he walked.

Holdfast watched as the creature disappeared into the shadows. “Quite the unusual creature we’ve made a deal with,” he muttered before turning back to Just Duty. “I shall leave a servant with the location of the artifact in your care.” He bowed his head. “To our new… relationship, Lord Duty.” With that, he limped toward the capital’s exit.

Just Duty watched Holdfast walk away to disappear into the dark shroud of the dimly lit streets. He then turned to observe the way Bael had departed before he started to trudge back to the castle. And now I know how the mouse felt when forced to work with the snake and cat to have it's cheese, he thought bitterly. But when all goes well, I can sever my ties and bring them both to the justice they deserve, and I can bring the world the justice it deserves.

Chapter 53: Oops

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Chapter 54: REBARU APPU! APPA, YIP YIP!

“OH!” Purple Heart stopped walking. The Mane Six continued past him before turning around, looking at the purple earth pony questioningly.

“What?” Applejack queried. “Got some cramps? Still sore? Need to take a nap?” Rainbow Dash and Pinkie snickered while Purple Heart merely rolled his eyes at the verbal barbs.

“Unless my calculations are faulty,” he mused, “and I’m exactly certain they are, but we all should have leveled up. I know I got something spiffy...or cringe worthy... Anyways, what about you six? And two?” He turned to Wits End and Light Patch as they trotted up beside him.

The mint-colored stallion raised an eyebrow. “What, we’re not an eight yet? What is this? Some sort of implicit segregation of ponies? Are you working for The Man?”

“You should shut up and answer the question,” Rainbow Dash stated flatly.

“I really should.” Wits yawned widely. “I was up late studying a thing. Regardless, I upgraded my Learning ability. Now I can learn skills by watching ponies use them.” He yawned again, covering his mouth with the back of one hoof. “‘Cause I’m done with getting beaten up for a while, thank you very much ma’am.”

“Done being the Scrake from Killing Floor, eh? Yeah, that's fair.” Light Patch said. “What about you Rainbow what did you get?”

The rainbow-maned pegasus frowned. “I hope whatever you got is worth making us wait.” She sighed and shook her head. “I got Fly-By. I fly away, then zoom back in super fast and shoot stuff. Next!”

“Me next!” Pinkie Pie trilled.

“You didn’t blow it on Knowledge Cakes, did you?” Wits asked.

Pinkie shook her head wildly, sending her bells a-jingling. “Of course not! I’ve already got that maxed out!”

“Of course…”

“I upgraded my party cannon! Now it can hit a bunch of baddies in one shot!” The pink pony’s grin spread from ear to ear. “I can’t wait to try it out!” Immediately Light Patch and Purple Heart dove behind a nearby stack of crates.

“She’s not going to use it now,” Twilight said, her exasperation obvious in her voice. “So stop hiding behind me, Wits.”

The unicorn colt was curled up and cowering, putting the alicorn between him and the party pony. “No.”

Twilight sighed. In one swift motion, she shoved Wits in the side with her right hoof, sending him sprawling in a heap. “What about you, Rarity? What did you get in leveling up?”

The fashionista tossed her mane and smiled. “Obviously, I chose the Puppetry feat. Upon touching my threads, any and all ponies become subject to my will.”

Purple Heart shuddered. “Just don’t start dressing in a pink feathered overcoat and wear sunglasses,” he pleaded before turning his gaze to the gray pegasus. “What about you, Light?”

“Oh, you know. Clericy stuff,” Light Patch said quickly with a wave of his hoof. “Really nothing all that interesting.” He turned to Applejack. “What about you? What’d you get?”

Applejack gave the pegasus colt a suspicious look before shrugging it off. “Ah got the Grapple feat. Guess I can grab a hold of anypony s’long as ah have a higher strength value than them.”

The Colt Trio stared at the orange earth pony in silence, blinking at her with deadpan expressions on their faces.

“Uh,” Applejack frowned. “Something the matter with you three?”

“She can grapple,” Purple Heart whispered.

“No rules, no ridiculous rolls,” Light Patch murmured.

“I bet she can even get away with sitting on them,” Wits End muttered.

“Frak you, Discord,” the three colts intoned together. “Leave it to you to fix our grapple mechanic issue instead of making it worse.”

Twilight sighed and nodded to Rarity. The two mares rapped the three colts on the head, striking them from their stupor.

“‘M awake!” Wits End called, blinking around. “What about you Purple? Got the Profession: Coltfriend?” He winked twice and nudged the purple earth pony.

Eye twitching, Purple Heart shook his head stiffly. “No,” he gritted out. “I got Taunt-” he paused, his eyes glazing over as he stood on his hind legs, held his forelegs together above his head, and slid to the side so that he was at a rough forty-five degree angle.

“SOOOOOOOOPEEEEER~!” he crowed. The eight ponies blinked at him. Fluttershy squeaked and socked him in the shin, causing the hefty earth pony to crumple to the ground in a shrill squeak of surprise and pain. Seven ponies now gaped at the usually shy yellow pegasus. She looked around and shrugged timidly.

“Um...” she muttered. “He was asking for it? Wouldn’t you had hit him if you were annoyed with him?”

“Touche,” Wits mused. “Although, I wanted an excuse to smack him myself.”

“Oh, please,” Light Patch said, giving a small smack to the still crumpled barbarian. “Like any one of us three have ever needed an excuse to smack each other.”

“True,” Wits said. “Anyway, what’d you get, Twilight?”

“Sense Magic and Aegis,” she replied. “Sense Magic allows me to see things of magical origin, while Aegis is an impenetrable bubble shield that lasts as long as I have mana.”

“Spiffy,” Purple Heart wheezed. “A shield will definitely be helpful in the future when we come across some boss’ final form. You should stock up on mana regen potions and hope there isn’t a drink cap or refresh time. There probably is though.”

“More likely than not.” Wits End concurred, turning to Fluttershy. “So, what about you, slayer of barbarians?”

“Oh,” the yellow pegasus squeaked. “Um, I got the Turn Animal ability. I can make nearby animals allies. I guess it makes them my friends?”

Wits bit his lower lip. “Or it makes you essentially Shakti, follower of Persepony.” He made some vaguely mystical movements with his forehooves. “Thran, kinketzu, mastadoc, and then sudden troll.”

“Fire-Fist not troll!” Light Patch shouted.

“Huh,” Purple Heart hummed. “Spiffy.” He turned his gaze on the gray pegasus. “Now you. Spill: what’d you score?”

“Like I said; Cleric stuff, nothi-” Applejacks hoof cut the pegasus off.

“Ah’m gonna stop you right there. Even if I wasn’t the element of honesty, Ah could tell you were lying. So, let's try this again. What did you pick?” the farm mare asked.

Light Patch blanched for a moment before sighing. “I, uh… I multiclassed,” Light Patch said, prompting Wits End suddenly get into the pegasus stallion’s face.

“Into what?” he asked, noses almost touching.

“Necrobotanist,” he said with a guilty smile.

“Ooh no,” Wits End moaned, while Purple Heart facehoofed.

“We’re doomed,” the purple earth pony mumbled, eyes wide with fear.

“Necroboatnist? Sounds like a dumb class to me. What kind of skills does it have?” Rainbow Dash said, looking at Light Patch.

“NecroBOTanist,” he replied, stressing the word. “I bring plants back to life. Right now I can bring long dead vines back to trap my enemies, or create a climbable surface.”

“It is as we feared,” Purple Heart whispered to Wits End. “He hasn’t even reached his final form.”

“Oh, do be quiet,” Rarity sniffed. “What’s so bad about reviving plants?” Purple Heart’s gaze was haunted.

“He thought it up,” he murmured. “This doesn’t bode well for us.”

“Whatever,” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Let’s get going. Once we get to the gate, we’ll decide what to do next, okay?” The ponies nodded and began the slow march to the eastern gate of the city of Gallopilli.

“Oooh, vines, I’m so scared,” Rainbow Dash quipped as she slowly flew along next to Light Patch. “Next you’ll bring back the weeds to my garden.”

“Or maybe I’ll eventually get to the skill that lets me bring the Lishorr plants back from the dead,” Light Patch said evilly. “Ancient long dead carnivorous plants that spit acid and disguised themselves as trees,” he finished with an evil villain laugh, sending a shiver of fear through Purple Heart and Wits End.

“Curse you, Discord,” the two colts whispered as they trailed after the chatting mares.

* * *

“So...” Purple Heart eyed the eight other ponies with him by the city gates. “How do we want to play this? Two towns to visit, nine ponies. Do we try to shuffle ourselves up again? Pick captains then teams? Colts versus mares? Welp? What’s it gonna be?”

“Colts vs mares could be fun; see which group gets their part of the quest done first. Also, as much fun as it is to be with you six,” the grey pegasus said, motioning to the six mares, “it’d be nice to have some guy time.”

Wits End frowned. “But then I get stuck with you two,” he whined. He turned to Twilight. “Switch with me.”

“Absolutely not,” Twilight said plainly, ignoring the mint-colored stallion as he slumped against a nearby wall. “I agree with Light Patch. We haven’t had any time to be together without doing some sort of secret planning or something like that.” She motioned toward the three colts. “Since we have six ponies and you only have three, you can chose which group gets which town: Mistakwe or Ade.”

“Um...” Purple Heart mumbled, rubbing his chin with a hoof. “Mistakwe. Mistakes will probably be made. Considering our track record.” The purple earth pony waved a hoof at himself and his two compatriots.

“Then we’ll go to Ade,” Twilight said. “See you colts whenever we meet up again. I’ll make occasional check-ins via telepathy.”

“Roight,” Purple Heart saluted. The Mane Six waved as they departed, heading north east.

“And we’ll be in Scotland before you~” the pegasus stallion sang under his breath as he watched the mares depart for Ade. Before he could say anything further, the clanking sound of a pony in armor interrupted him.

“Ah, I was hoping I could catch up with your group,” a familiar voice chimed in. “I was hoping to accompany your group to an area near Mistakwe.” The three stallions turned to find Just Duty in full but older looking armor.

“Lord Duty,” Purple Heart greeted, respectfully inclining his head to the stallion. “What do you need to do near Mistakwe?”

“I’ve been hearing rumors of an artifact of power in some ruins near Mistakwe, and considering my town isn’t much farther from the town, I decided to act on the rumors and seize or destroy it for good.”

Wits End perked up from his rejection-induced stupor. “Not to step out of line,” he said, brushing his cloak off as he rejoined the other stallions, “but why’s a noble going out into the field on his own? Don’t you have ponies to do that for you?”

Just Duty looked at the mint unicorn, “I do have some ponies I’d trust to check it out, but not enough or skilled enough that I’d send them without more experienced help. And...” The older stallion’s stance sagged from its heroic bearing. “Hearing and seeing the actions of you adventurers has inspired me to try my hoof at it once again.” He fidgeted in his armor for a few seconds. “I’d swear this armor shrank, though.”

Wits grinned. “I wouldn’t worry too much.” He slapped Light Patch on the back, wincing as his hoof clanged off of the pegasus’ armor. “Light Patch here is a cleric, so even if you’re a little rusty, he’ll have you back in action in no time.” He waggled his eyebrows at his armored friend. “Besides, he’ll probably take all of the big blows for you. Isn’t that right?”

“And you’ve got the big old walking bruise here to hide behind, and this little guy will probably at least make a decent snack distraction for a dragon,” Light Patch said, moving to mimic Wits’ action. But in a stunning moment of spite from the dice, he missed the pinto unicorn, causing him to lose his balance and tip forward into the continued path of his own hoof. The other three stallions could only stare in mixtures of horror and amusement as the words ‘critical hit’ floated in the air over the collapsed cleric.

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 55: Another Party Split? ALRIGHT!

“I’m on the road to… Uh...” the mint-colored unicorn’s short-lived song was cut short. Wits turned back to his companions. “Where’re we going again?”

“The border town of Mistakwe,” Purple Heart replied, continuing to glare irritably at the gauntlet held in his forehoof. “We have to find out why they haven’t responded to any of the couriers.”

“If you glare at that any harder, dude, you’re gonna blow your eyes up,” Light Patch said, bumping his friend in the side. The purple earth pony grumbled and returned the gauntlet to his pack, conceding defeat for the time being.

“Right, right,” Wits End nodded. “Doesn’t fit the number of syllables in the original song, though…” He turned his head the other way to look at Just Duty. “What about you, Lord Duty? Are you coming to make mistakes with us? Or somewhere else first?”

“As I mentioned when I joined you, I was hoping to investigate some ruins along the same road you were taking,” the older stallion said, adjusting the fit of his armor again. “It was also time for me to depart from the capital in any case and, Mistakwe is not far from my own town in any case.”

“What’s your town like?” Purple Heart asked curiously. “Is it a beautiful thing to see in the summer?”

“Summer is the nicest time to see it, mostly as it’s not entirely buried in snow at that time,” Duty replied, thinking he might have missed a joke. “As for the town itself, there isn’t much to say. The biggest town of the hoof full on the land I oversee is still small. Mostly because the town was founded on the biggest plateau of the major trade route through the mountains, creating a natural northern border to Roania.”

Wits End coughed. “Not to be incredibly dense,” he said slowly, “but when do we get to learn the name of this magical land of hope and wonder?” He turned back to the path. “Some sort of horse-based pun, I’m sure,” he muttered under his breath.

“Ibnutas Pass,” Just Duty responded simply.

Wits mouth formed a thin line. “Somehow, the lack of a pun is more disappointing.”

Purple Heart rolled his eyes. “Puns and lack thereof aside, I hope I can find some kind of armourer to appraise this thing.” He jerked his head at the packed gauntlet. “I still can’t seem to equip it. It’s bugging me. Maybe there’ll be a pony who can tell me what’s wrong with it in Mistakwe. Or along the way.”

“I still say you oughta try sticking it on your head rooster-style,” the pegasus stallion muttered.

“He’s the penguin nut,” Purple Heart gestured at Wits End. “Make him wear it. Besides, I don’t wear trousers, thus they can’t be wrong.”

“Are you kidding?” Wits balked at the suggestion. “It would clash horribly with my cloak.” He frowned. “Hmm. Channeled Rarity there. How much longer until we reach My Shiitake or whatever it’s called?”

“Okay, now you’re doing it on purpose,” Light Patch said to his mint colored friend. “You’ve heard the name enough times that you couldn’t possibly be getting it that wrong.”

Wits End smiled innocently. “Now why would I do something like that?” A thought crossed his mind. “Oh yeah, speaking of forgetting...” His horn glowed pale green as he retrieved an aged scroll from the depths of his cloak. “Make sure I don’t run into any trees while I read this.” Purple Heart’s left eye twitched but he remained silent. Light Patch rolled his eyes as he wrapped one of his wings over his friend to steer him.

“You got it, dude. What's the scroll about anyway? Also, when and where did you get it?” the grey pegasus asked.

“What, this?” Wits hesitated for a second. “For now, let’s just say I got it as a reward for a job well done. It’s supposed to teach Mimics, such as moi, something like the Alter Self spell. The tough part is that it’s ain’t exactly written in the king’s Equestrian. It’ll take me a couple of Use Magic checks or something like that before I get this down, I think. Now shush. I’m being incredibly clever.”

“Riiight. You might wanna toss in a few Language checks in there as well,” Purple Heart hummed, eyeing the cliff a little ways down the way where the path split. “Also, I take no responsibility for what will happen in due course.” When they reached the fork in the path, Just Duty paused, then cleared his throat to get the attention of the three colts.

“It has been...interesting, gentlecolts, but I’m afraid this split in the path is where we part ways,” the old noble said.“I wish you three luck in your quest.”

“Actually, Just Duty, I was thinking I’d join you until you’re done with the ruins. Between the two of us, we should have it done in a lickety spit,” Light Patch said.

Wits End’s ears perked up. “What? What happened to ‘don’t split the party’?”

“I concur,” Purple Heart frowned, looking quizzically at Light Patch. “What brought on this decision? Haven’t things gone very south every time we split the party, intentional or otherwise? Shouldn’t we take a break from intentionally provoking Discord, hmm?”

Light Patch glanced at the older stallion adjusting his armor for the umpteenth time before pulling his friends into a huddle. “Look, I’m a little worried for the old guy. He hasn’t been an adventurer for a long time. He’s outta shape, and he doesn’t have his paladin magic any more. We inspired him to try this adventuring thing again, so I feel somewhat responsible for his well being. And besides, it couldn’t hurt to have a noble with a small out of the way town at least willing to let us use it as a base if something goes wrong. And you know something will, with Discord in charge. Besides, this should be quick. And if it is too much for us, he’s smart enough to know to come back with an army,” Light Patch finished before jumping back from the huddle.

Purple Heart sighed as he pulled away. “Fine then. Guess I’ll stick with Wits to make sure he doesn’t get lost. We’ll meet you at Mistakwe in… three days?”

Wits shrugged. “Three days sounds about right. I’ll make sure Purply doesn’t accidently seduce another royal on the way there. Try not to take too many crits to the face protecting the paladin, though.” With that said, he put his nose back to the scroll and started on his way back down the path.

Light Patch and Just Duty turned to head down their path before Light Patch turned back to face his two friends. “Oh, and don’t worry about my pretty face. Not even all of the crits in the world would make it uglier than yours,” he shouted before sprinting down his path. Just Duty followed along once his surprise wore off.

“I gotta say, he got you there,” Purple Heart chortled as he watched Just Duty and Light Patch disappear around a copse of trees. “Now, lessgo. I wanna find out what the carp is wrong with this gauntlet.”

“Mmm hmm.” Wits’ attention was focused on his scroll as he continued on autopilot down the path. “Have you tried putting it on since the level up?”

Purple Heart nodded as he pulled the gauntlet once more from his pack. “Only once though. I was out in the forest letting off some steam. I tried to put it on and it was all, ‘NOPE’ as it went flying off through a few trees. Scared the carp outta me when some trees decided it’d be a good idea to squish me. It didn’t have this reaction when I first tried it in Boomer’s Bandit Bungalow.”

“Maybe you’re not meeting the minimum requirements,” Wits offered. “Or maybe that’s what it’s suppose to do. Maybe it’s got a plus seven against foliage.”

“Har har,” Purple Heart snorted, noting the oncoming cliff. He cut his eyes aside to the mint-colored unicorn. “If that’s the case, I’m a bit disappointed. It was supposed to be a family heirloom passed down from father to son. I’m kinda skeptical at that. Do you think you could help me find an armourer or enchanter to appraise it?”

“Sure, as you-” Wits End paused, feeling a suspicious lack of terra firma under his hoof with his next step, which was immediately followed by a sudden descent. “Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish~!” The unicorn tumbled down the cliff face, each bounce down the rocky face forcing an almost comical squeak from him.

Purple Heart peered over the edge of the cliff. Half of him was amused that he even suspected such a course of action would take place while the other was astonished that it actually happened. A small smirk curved his lips and he called down to his fallen comrade. “You okay West Lee? Cuz I’m not tumbling after you. I’m not Butter Cup.”

A couple of seconds passed before a response echoed up from the valley below. “I’ve been better,” Wits groaned, picking himself up from the dust and dirt, wincing as he felt the bruises and scratches from his tumble. He sighed heavily as he looked up the cliff face. “I don’t suppose you’ve got a rope or a tree branch or something useful like that?”

“Nope,” Purple Heart replied in the negative. “Not even some lightning sand or unusually sized rodents. Sorry. And it doesn’t look like there’s a natural way back up. You’ll have to get to Mistakwe on your own from there.”

“Of course…” Wits dusted his cloak off, his eyes focusing on the torn and dirtied remains of the scroll at his feet. “Well, that’s one dead piece of paper. Guess I’ll be piecing that together from memory on the way there.” He turned his head back up toward the purple pony above him, throwing a half-hearted salute. “I’ll see you in the next town over then.”

“Indeed,” Purple Heart agreed. “Just be careful. And try to tell Twilight it was Light’s idea to split the party. Again. I’m not too keen on being hunted by an irate alicorn with a squad of equally terrifying mares. Not good for my health y’know.”

Wits End thought for a moment. “Suuuuure. I’ll be sure to tell her it was Patchy’s idea and not yours.” His tone suggested less than sincere intentions as he started down the valley. “See ya later!

“Bai~,” Purple Heart waved. He turned to the path opposite the one Light Patch and Just Duty had taken. “Welp… Once more unto the breach.” And he trotted down the path into parts unknown.

* * *

“Ya know, it’s nice to be back to the usual set up. Not that Ah have any issue with them colts, but it’s nice fer it to just be us six fer a change,” Applejack said, walking alongside Twilight.

“It really is,” Twilight agreed. “It’s been awhile since it was just us girls together.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie cheered as she bounced along at the front of the party. “Mister Patchy, Mister Grumpy, and Mister Minty are really funny ponies to be around! But just us girls is fun too!”

“Do you think they’re coping without us?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“Of course they are!” Rainbow Dash countered from where she hovered above the walking mares. “Wits has brains enough for all of them, Purple has the absurd strength and will to not fall down, and Light...”

“Makes the comments that get him hit,” Rarity concluded. “Sounds like they’re three parts of a whole.”

“Something still has me puzzled though,” Twilight mused, her brow furrowing. The other mares looked at the magenta alicorn expectantly. “Purple Heart was really insistent on getting them all together for some reason. I’m not sure what though...”

Pinkie Pie perked up. “Maybe they’re off to learn their own lesson about friendship that’ll be resolved in thirty minutes or less! Maybe there’ll be a song or two along the way! Maybe-”

“Maybe they just would like some time on their own,” Fluttershy muttered. “Like us. They haven’t had time alone together either, after all.”

“That could be it,” Twilight agreed, “I’m sure they consider us as strange as we think they are at times. But weird as their friendship appears, they do seem to be close.”

“Ah’m not so sure about us being strange to them,” Applejack spoke up. “They seem to take our antics in stride. Heck, they weren’t even surprised at Pinkie for very long, and that takes doin’.”

Twilight frowned and came to a stop. “Now that you mention it, you’re right. They all seemed to know us when we all first met, as if they had heard of us and knew what we were like. And they caught on to the rules and ideas of the game much faster than we did. Even I took some time to absorb all the rules. But they seemed to have prior knowledge...”

“Don’t tell me you still suspect them of being Discord’s minions,” Rarity asserted, frowning at Twilight as she came up beside the stationary alicorn.

“Well, maybe not his minions... But don’t forget girls.” Twilight paused to look at her friends. “We have come up against more villains than just Discord. They could be changelings. Or maybe they work for one of the others we’ve fought. Or they could be working for a villain we’ve never encountered, and they’re spying for that villain and trying to make friends with us so we let our guard down and-”

“Twi, relax,” Applejack said shortly. “In case ya’ll have forgotten, those three’ve said they’re from outside Equestria. Now, Ah don’t know ‘bout ya’ll, but if Ah were Discord, Ah wouldn’t want ta write an entire game from scratch. He probably just grabbed a copy from wherever they’re from.” The farmpony nudged Fluttershy with an elbow. “‘Shy, back me up here b’fore Twi get’s too wound up.”

Fluttershy frowned. “Well, um, actually…”

Applejack’s face fell. “Ah shoot.”

“Before we left Gallopilli,” the shy pegasus continued, “I talked to Wits End. When we were finished, he made a promise.” She bit her lower lip, as if unsure whether to continue. “A Pinkie Promise. I… I didn’t think much of it at the time, but if those three are really from outside Equestria, how would he know what a Pinkie Promise is?”

The silence was deafening as all six mares stood or hovered in place as they absorbed this crucial detail. If a pin had been murdered, everypony would have heard its dying cries. Time seemed to slow. A hummingbird’s wings were visible to the naked eye. A dragonfly lazily landed gracefully on a leaf of a wild rose. Time resumed and the sounds of the forest erupted.

“WHAT?!” Twilight screeched.

“Fluttershy said that Wits End had knowledge that, if he and the other stallions are from where they say they are, he shouldn’t possess. And then there was absolute silence.” Pinkie cheerfully summed up, happily bouncing in place. Rarity stepped forward and cleared her throat.

“Just a moment, dear, before you jump to any conclusions. Did any of you mention what a Pinkie Promise was or bring it up with one of them at some point?” The fashionista asked looking at the others. “I can assure you I didn’t mention or explain it at any point.” She quickly added after a moment.

“Actually,” Applejack mumbled. “Wits brought up a pinkie promise to me too. During the time at the library.” Twilight arched an eyebrow at this.

“You two spoke at the library in private?” she asked. The orange earth pony nodded, flush apparent on her cheeks.

“What’d you talk about?” Rainbow Dash urged.

Applejack squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. “Ah can’t say! Ah made a pinkie promise!”

“Foooorrrrreeeevvveeeeeerrrr~” Pinkie said, suddenly appearing under Applejack’s hat.

“Well, if you can’t say, you can’t say,” Rarity mused. “It must have been something important.”

Applejack nodded jerkily as Pinkie Pie crawled down. “In a roundabout way, yeah.”

“Well, I’m going to contact those idiots,” Twilight sighed. “Spy or not, we’re working together. For now.” With a twinge of her magic, she activated the telepathy spell and contacted Purple Heart.

“Purple Heart? Are you there?”

“Read you loud ‘n’ clear, Mother. How goes it in the land of colt-free travel?”

Twilight frowned at the colt’s greeting. “I am not your mother. As for colt-free travel, it’s been very fine. Not much stress. Some, but nothing major.” A lie. “What about you? You four encounter any issues?”

“Aha.” Pause. “Depends on what you classify as ‘issue’.”

Twilight balked at Purple Heart’s mental response. “What happened.” It wasn’t a question.

“Welp, you see, Just Duty, Wits, Light, and I were walking along, minding our own business, when lo! Just Duty departs to investigate rumors about an artifact of immense power. Light Patch, being the good samaritan that he is, elected to ‘assist’ the aging pony and went with him.” Twilight could hear the air quotes. “After that, me and Wits were chatting a bit and the unfortunate snob wasn’t watching where he was going and took a little tumble down a cliff.”

“Oh my! Is he okay?”

“‘Course he is,” Purple Heart replied. “Squishy though he may be, but a brief fall down a cliff won’t really do much to impair his sarcasm and wit. Nor will it hurt him physically. Much.”

Twilight sighed at the purple earth pony’s dismissal at his friend’s welfare. “So you got split up? Again?”

“Eeyup. Not my fault though.”

“Fine. Take care.”

“Yes, Mother. Tusk-anini out.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Try not to blow up Light and Wits’ brains please. They need those. And thank you for not raging at my arse.”
Twilight’s brow was even more furrowed than when she first opened the connection as she broke it. “Have Wits or Light ever mentioned ‘Tusk-anini’?” she asked, turning to the other five mares.

“I don’t remember anything about Tusk-anini, but I do remember Light Patch giving us this long talk on a stallion named Murphy, and his downer rules of pessimistic living.” Pinkie said, bouncing on the spot.

Twilight hummed as she considered what Pinkie had said. “I guess I’ll be talking to Light Patch next,” she muttered, changing her focus. “Are you there, Light Patch?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Wherever here is. I knew we should've turned left at Albuquerque,” the stallion in question responded.

Twilight frowned, electing to ignore what she was sure was yet another reference. “A little purple bird told me you’ve split off from your friends. Should I be worried?”

“Unlikely. This place is fairly small. I suspect Discord threw it in as a potential camping site with a little more to do in it,” Light Patch paused for a moment. “Just Duty and I should be done with this quickly, and I’ll be back to the other guys in a day or two. Best of all, I haven’t seen a single monster yet, so this is instantly better than the catacombs under the castle.”

“What happened in the catacombs?” Twilight flinched internally, instantly regretting the question.

“Slime,” the stallion responded darkly. “And being the monster magnet for the others. Everything hit me first. Like I was a heavy tank trying to hide behind a too small bush.”

“I suppose someponies could call that karma,” Twilight mentally muttered. “Well, I’ll check in again tomorrow. Try to keep safe; both you and Just Duty.”

“You got it dudette. We’ll finish up checking out these ruins, and I’ll catch up with the guys in a day or two.”

“Good luck.” Twilight closed the connection. “Light Patch seems like he’s alright. Now for our mint-colored friend…”

“How are Purple Heart and Light Patch doing?” Rarity asked.

“Fine,” Twilight ground out. “They got separated again.”

“More party splitting?” Applejack commented. “Wow. They seem ta really like doin’ that.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash agreed while Pinkie and Fluttershy simply nodded.

“Anyway, the mint colt,” Twilight said, shifting her focus once more. “Wits End? Did you break anything?”

“Just my pride,” Wits replied. “I take it you talked to Purple Heart already. There goes my chance to claim he pushed me off while saying ‘long live the king’.”

“He wouldn’t do that… Would he?”

“Not for any drop more than ten feet. Relax, it was a joke. What’s up?”

“Just checking in on you three. What’s this I hear about splitting the party? Didn’t one of you say that was the worst possible thing that could happen?”

Wits End scoffed. “Of course it is! Why else do you think we did it? Besides, I don’t think it’ll be too bad.” He paused for a moment. “Well, now that I’ve said that…”

“Well, as long as you’re fine. Be careful and tell me if you need any help.”

“Thanks, mom. I’ll call if I need a ride home.” Twilight heard the unicorn groan. “That tumble must’ve done more than I thought. I’ve got a wicked headache now. I’ll talk to you later.” A moment later, the connection closed.

“Well, I think they should be fine until we all meet up again,” Twilight decided, turning to the mares. “We’ll also have to talk about how we’ll meet back up.”

Rainbow Dash punched one forehoof with the other. “I say we meet them by knocking them out, tying them down, and beating some answers outta them!”

“Maybe not that…” Fluttershy muttered.

“I think they’d be more forthcoming if we were polite and gentle with our questioning,” Rarity sniffed. “You seem to forget, Rainbow Dash, that Purple Heart is the Champion of the Coliseum, a title he earned. Wits is certainly on par with Twilight intelligence wise, and is significantly more tricky. And while Light Patch may not look like much, he is strong in his own way. We actually don’t know all that much about his abilities, aside from hitting ponies to heal them.”

“Or getting critted by anything and everything,” Rainbow muttered to Pinkie, causing the two of them to giggle until Rarity glared at them.

“Regardless, I don’t think an outright conflict would be wise,” the white fashionista unicorn continued.

“Then what’re we supposed ta do?” Applejack grumbled. “Just let’m keep lyin’ to us like a bunch’ve yellabellied snakes?”

“Maybe we should just ask them about exactly where it is they come from, if they don’t mind telling us?” Fluttershy said quietly. “I don’t think any of us have actually asked them about that.”

“Whatever we decide,” Twilight cut in, “we don’t have to decide it right now. For now, let’s focus on getting to Ade. We can think of a plan once we’re closer.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “That’s surprisingly levelheaded, given what you’re opinion of those three has been so far.”

“And THEN we can beat them up,” the purple alicorn finished, cocking her forehoof.

“...Never mind then.”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 56: How to Properly Hide Your Artifact of Doom

“Okay, now this,” Light Patch gestured widely to the massive stone facade covering the far wall of the cavern they’d just entered, “this is where you keep an ancient artifact of malevolence… This is also probably where Mareleficent has her summer home,” he finished under his breath. “Not in a hole in a ground in the middle of a two by three shack.”

“It is more impressive, but if you were trying to keep the artifact from being used, the less impressive entrance will probably turn more away,” Just Duty stated dryly, stepping carefully down the switchbacks that allowed access to the floor of the cavern.

Light Patch took another look at the far facade clearly lit by massive green fires centered over massive sconces along it. “I guess this place isn’t quite as small as I thought it was. Looks like I’m gonna have to apologise to Twilight later,” Light Patch mused aloud as he slowly navigated a narrow section of the switchbacks. “In any case, this is a strong sign that there was something here,” Light Patch said, carefully testing the crumbling section of path ahead of him.

“Now to answer the question of whether or not it’s still here,” Just Duty finished as he stepped onto the cavern floor. He waited for his compatriot to get off the switchbacks before setting out with Light Patch alongside of him. They slowly made their way towards the facade. Massive green fires from the far wall lit their path enough that they barely needed their torch, if only to banish the deep shadows the green flames also cast. Several times their smaller torch revealed gaping holes leading deep into the ground. More than once, Light Patch swore he’d seen things scuttling just past where he could see. The two hastened their pace as much as they safely could without blundering into one of the gaping maws.

They sprinted the last few feet to the entrance to the ruins proper. Light Patch hesitated at the entrance, peering in and couldn’t help but notice all of the similarities to the catacombs under the castle.

“Problems?” Just Duty asked, standing in the entry way.

“The construction is reminding me of a bad memory or two,” the pegasus responded, following Just Duty in. “Would you happen to know if there is any connection between these ruins and the catacombs under the castle back in the capital?”

“I do not believe there is any strong connection. The castle was built fairly recently. And what little I know about the history of these ruins say they are much older,” Just Duty replied, observing the largish room they started with.

“Yeah, now that you mention it, the construction is more function over beauty here,” the pegasus said, running a hoof over the dull grey stone walls. “Still full of traps,” he noted pointing out an open pit with spikes at the bottom.

“No skeletons at the bottom. It looks like fortune favored us and the age of the mechanisms did the trap in,” the older stallion said, peeking over the edge of the pit. “Still though, these places were built to last, so most of the traps are probably still in working order.”

“For at least one more activation at least,” Light Patch chimed in. “Also, who knows what may have moved in and possibly decided to keep the traps in working order for whatever reason,” the stallion said, turning to slowly make his way down a hallway not blocked by a broken pit trap. He took a couple of steps before a rope snapped and another large hole opened in front of him. “You know, in hindsight, one of us probably should have looked into getting some backup that knows how to deal with traps.”

Just Duty facehoofed. “Yes, that would have been a very good idea. It’s a shame we thought of it now and not sooner.” He sighed before pointing towards a third, still unblocked corridor.

The two stallions worked their way carefully through the ruins doing everything they could to avoid traps or at least trigger them from where they’d be safe. They could tell they were going deeper into both the ruins but also the earth, lacking knowledge about the layout of the ruins however that was about all they could tell.

“So, is it just me or does this all seem to be getting more elaborate now?” Light Patch asked, looking at one of the flame holders. Just Duty looked up from the floor where he’d been watching for traps.

“Now that you mention it, there is a little more pomp in the torch brackets. The tiles also appear to be nicer in a miniscule way, beveled edges and a different material type.”

“I’m going to assume that's a sign that we’re heading the right way,” Light Patch replied, focusing back on the ceiling for traps. They’d split the trap watch, one watches the ceilings, the other watches the floor, and they both keep an eye on the walls. “So, what do you know about the artifact? What are its powers or history?”

“Why do you ask?” Just Duty asked, cocking his head to the side as he used a long pole to test the floor for triggers, “and why now after so long?”

“Well, I figured it’d help to know more about it. Its history and powers and whatnot. Might help us figure out what kind of stuff they might have set up to protect it when we get closer to it,” the pegasus replied, hovering closer to the ceiling. “I mean if I had an artifact of stupid amounts of power I’d be all over using it in a trap if I didn’t want others to get to it. Save some gold and effort to just make it guard itself.”

I hadn’t even thought of that. I truly am out of practice, Just Duty realized with surprise. “I don’t even have protection against mind control anymore,” he muttered, realizing too late he’d spoken out loud.

“So this is some kind of mind control thing?” Light Patch asked. “Great, and I don’t even think I could get tin foil to make a hat,” he whined. Just Duty grunted in annoyance.

The gods curse my tongue, the older stallion thought bitterly. I didn’t mean to let that information become known so easily. It will be much harder to convince him to not destroy it here but transport it out and allow me to keep it instead. Before his thoughts could get any further, a wing poked his muzzle. “What?” he snapped angrily as he twisted around to face the pegasus with him.

“Found it,” Light Patch said, pointing to the middle of the large room they’d entered. There in the center of the chamber on a thin pillar at about eye level was a very delicate looking combination of thin crystal sheets and thinner gold rings. “It looks very fragile. I could probably take it out with a good rock throw from here,” the pegasus said, bouncing a rock in his hoof experimentally. He had just started to aim for the throw when Just Duty blocked him.

“Wait!” He moved his hoof at the angry glance the pegasus shot at him. “We don’t even know if we can break it, or if we should. The ones who put it in here might not have wanted it destroyed,” Just Duty finished, carefully making his way closer while quietly praying he didn’t activate magic traps.

“If its creators didn’t want it broken,” Light Patch snapped back, moving quickly to catch up, “they wouldn’t have balanced this thing on a pillar where a good Earth quake would knock it off.” He circled the pillar.

“It’s probably protected from that by magic.”

“The spell could fail or be disrupted.”

“Enchantments take ages to fail, and just because this looks delicate doesn't mean it actually is. This could be hard enough to use as shot for a siege engine.” Just Duty heard a tiny clink as the horseshoe on Light Patch’s hoof touched the side of the artifact.

“Well, let's test that right now.” Light Patch suggested, preparing to shove it off the pedestal. Just Duty’s pupils shrunk and he dove forward to pull Light Patch’s hoof away.

“Are you mad!?” he shouted at the pegasus as he stood up and placed himself squarely between the artifact and the pony. “Even if we could destroy the artifact, it could cause a massive release of magic. In laymen’s terms, a massive explosion that at the very least will probably kill us and at worst could decimate the surrounding land,” he said rapidly, trying to think of ways to convince Light Patch not to destroy the artifact.“Besides, I only know rumors of it’s power. For all we know, it could just glow like a lantern.”

“You sounded fairly certain of what kind of danger we could be in when I suggested they might use the artifact in a trap to help protect it,” Light Patch shot back, poking the ex-paladin.

“You’re suggestion reminded me of how much my god’s blessings protected me from hostile forces and how exposed I am now without them,” Just Duty swiftly returned. He leaned his head down to come face to face with the grey pegasus. “While your help is appreciated, I didn’t ask you to come along. This is my mission, and I will complete it as I see fit, and I see fit to carry this artifact out of here.”

“But I am here,” Light Patch fired back, “so I get a say in all of this, and I say we destroy this here and now. If we do try to find a wizard to destroy it, the artifact could be stolen before we can dispose of it.” Just Duty snorted and was opening his mouth to speak his next words when a large thud rang through the chamber. Both ponies looked in surprise at the back of the chamber which had opened up to reveal a large very poorly lit room. They barely had a moment to glance at each other before a creature began to pull itself out of the shadows of the room.

With a burst of speed the monster launched itself through the door between the two adventurer dodging it’s charge. It twisted in air and tentacles grabbed the ceiling over the artifact, hanging from the ceiling it twisted its body until it faced the two pony adventurers, two purple blood shot eyes opened and locked independently onto the adventurers. Two misshapen arms of muscle, bone blades, and spines unfolded from its body and a mouth full of bent needle like teeth cracked open to form an evil smile just before it lunged towards Light Patch, its body swinging towards the pegasus like a pendulum. Light Patch jumped away from the beast’s outstretched arms along with a panicked swing of his war hammer. The hammer missed as the creature shifted its weight to swing itself around towards Just Duty.

“It’s a Crypt Pendulum, it uses its eyes to hear!” Just Duty shouted while batting away one of creatures arms with his own warhammer. “But why is this in here? This area of the ruins are way too confining for it’s species normally.”

“Look at the rings the things using, they’re perfectly sized for it’s tentacles,” Light Patch pointed out. “I think whoever built the ruins and put the artifact in here brought that to guard the artifact.” The grey pegasus ducked under the beast’s arms and bolted inside of its guard and twisted his hammer around tried to use the handle to stab the nearest of the monster’s eyes only for the creature to twist the eye out of the way at the last second.

The monster threw its weight towards Just Duty, screeching as it swung. The stallion jumped to the side, dodging right into its left arm. The creature's body slammed into the wall that Just Duty been pressed against moments ago. Roaring with rage and pain, the Crypt Pendulum shuddered as it hung over the artifact. Light Patch sprinted around the room to quickly heal Just Duty.

“You seem to know what it is. How do we beat it?” Light Patch asked, using his magic to speed the old noble’s recovery.

“To a pulp preferably. While the creature’s eyes are sensitive, hitting them won’t impair its ability to locate us,” Just Duty replied. “It’s weak to magic so if I can-” the sound of a sickly wheeze interrupted the stallion. He quickly turned and pushed Light Patch away before he jumped just in time to dodge the glob of acidic slime the monster spat. “Right, it can spit acid,”

“Duly noted,” Light Patch said, dodging more globs of the creatures acid. “Now finish your plan.”

“My hammer is enchanted to hit with lighting but I need a solid hit against the monster’s body. If you have a way to distract it, I should be able to finish it,” Just Duty said, jumping to dodge the creature as it attempted to use itself as a giant club again.

Light Patch took a moment to search his memory now that the creature’s attention was focused elsewhere. He began to rapidly dig through his gear for something useful when a bottle slipped from it’s pouch and fell to the ground shattering. The sight send a spark through his memory, he ducked under the the monster’s grasp and stepped inside it’s guard readying his warhammer to strike, “Sonic Burst!” he shouted using his only offensive ability. The air warped around his hoof and then shot forward slamming into the creature’s body. Instantaneously, both eyes began to spaz out. The Crypt Pendulum gave a confused wail as Light Patch slammed his hammer into it, sending it swinging over towards Just Duty.

Just Duty raised his warhammer and as soon as the creature was close enough, he slammed it into the side of the creature. Barely seconds after the hammer’s head connected, there was a flash of light and then the rumble of thunder as the hammer’s lightning enchantment activated. The creature screeched in pain and specks of acid flew everywhere as it soared to the far side of the room and slammed into the wall with a wet crunch. The two adventurers waited for the creature to stir but it remained there. After a few seconds, the two cautiously approached the monster.

Suddenly it stirred and with an angry roar, its arms flailed in a last ditch attempt to maim one of the ponies. An arm barely managed to catch Light Patch across the face. With another flash of lightning and and roll of thunder, Just Duty finished the creature off before trotting closer to Light Patch who was rapidly bandaging up a scratch on his face.

The two panted as the stood over the corpse of the creature. Before either of them could say anything, the distinct sound of fires sparking to life echoed through the chamber. They whirled in place, both raising their warhammers against the perceived threat only to see the distinctive green torches lighting in pairs through the room that the creature had emerged from.

“That is slightly concerning,” Just Duty noted as they watched the torches continue into the seemingly endless room. A loud clunk snapped their focus back to the nearest sections of the artifact guardian’s room walls as small sections began sliding away, revealing themselves to be doors.

The two adventurers glanced at each other, fear and exhaustion evident on their faces. They both turned back to see more and more doors begining open. “Grab it an’ run?” Light Patch suggested.

“Grab it and run,” Just Duty parroted back. They both turned around, he quickly grabbed the artifact and followed the pegasus, neither wanting to face the possibly endless hordes awakening to guard the artifact.

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 57: Wits End Does A Thing

Wayward Sun was a simple stallion. Clad in chainmail and plate armor, his only adornment was a white tabard marked with a blazing sun motif. He sat with his back to a lone oak, taking a break from his travels to recover his strength. At his side sat the rest of his trusty equipment: a large metal shield and a well-crafted longsword. The stallion with the golden coat sighed in contentment, the sun above him glinting off of his trusty great helm.

“Excuse me, good sir.”

Wayward looked up from his reverie. Standing next to him was a vision of loveliness: a unicorn mare with a mane of royal purple and a coat of silken white. “Ah, hello!” Wayward smiled as he stood. “How may I assist you?”

The mare averted her eyes momentarily before smiling at Wayward. “I’m terribly sorry to disturb you, but this sunlight has made me quite parched.” She fluttered her eyelashes at him. “Could I trouble you for a drink?”

“Well…” Wayward looked the mare over, noticing a number of minor wounds under her robes. “Forgive my wandering eye, but you seem to be wounded. Are you in peril of some sort?”

“Hmm?” The mare glanced down at herself. She frowned for a moment, her eyebrows knitting as she saw the state of herself. “A minor scuffle, nothing more. I’ve been… temporarily separated from my companions.” She waved her hoof dismissively. “Nothing I won’t survive, I can assure you.”

The golden stallion thought for a moment. “Then here,” he said, offering a small, green clay flask. “Try just a sip of this.”

The mare took the flask with her magic, raising a skeptical eye at the flask. The liquid inside seemed to glow with a yellow light, like a tiny sun was at the bottom of the flask. “Are you sure?” she asked. “There doesn’t seem to be enough for one pony, let alone two.”

Wayward chuckled. “Trust me. It packs quite a punch. Hah hah hah!”

After another moment of confusion, the mare raised the flask to her lips, taking care to only let a small amount of the liquid enter her mouth. Instantly, her eyes flew open as she gagged, almost spitting the contents of her mouth on the ground. Instead, she forced it down, her face screwing up in disgust. “B-bitter,” she coughed, trying to clear the taste from her tongue. “And it burns! How can you drink something like this?”

Wayward laughed again. “I did try to warn you. Besides, its effects more than make up for it. Just give it a second.”

“Effects?” Before she should get an answer, the purple-maned mare felt a heat radiating out from the pit of her stomach. She felt energized, like she’d just woken up from a power nap. A quick look over herself revealed that her body was faintly glowing, and as the glow faded, so did her wounds. “Wow. That’s… incredible!”

“Indeed it is!” Wayward took the flask from the stunned mare, tucking it back into his tabard. “It is a secret potion from my homeland. It restores our energy and cures your wounds. Worry not! The ingredients are simple, although the recipe does require a certain amount of work.” He stood, brushing the dust from his chainmail. “I would share the recipe with you, but I’m afraid it would take more time than we have in the day.”

The mare looked up at the sky. The sun had started its descent toward the horizon. “Oh my, has that much time passed already? I should continue my search for my companions.”

“Will you be alright on your own?” Wayward asked, securing his equipment to his belt. “I could take some time from my own journey to assist you on yours. After all, why not help one another on this lonely journey? So, what do you-” He froze. When he looked up from his equipment, the mysterious purple-maned mare was gone. “Well, yes, quite understandable. I suppose.” He glanced up at the sun and sighed. “We’ll laugh it off, shall we? Hah hah hah!”

* * *

From a distance away, the purple-maned mare watched the golden stallion start on his way again. A wry smile spread over her face. She chuckled to herself, slipping further back into the treeline. “That worked out much better than I expected.” She stopped, coming across a puddle in her way. Her smile widened as she inspected her reflection in the water. “I suppose I really do look the part.” The mare flipped her purple mane.

Before the curl could return to its original position, a flash of light passed over the pony’s body. The mare’s body became more stocky, the features of her face hardening and sharpening slightly. The silvery-white fur turned a shade of blue-green, spotted by patches of a more mint shade. The purple mane shortened, turning to a similar, if lighter, shade as the coat. Once the light had faded, only the smile remained as an identical feature.

Wits End’s hoof went up to his mane. “I will admit, I made that look good,” he chuckled. “This Alter Self spell is great! I could be anypony I wanted with this! I could be the rough-and-tumble tomcolt.” A flash of light and Rainbow Dash’s face looked up at him from the puddle.

“Or the hyperactive party mare.” Another flash and Pinkie Pie’s face bobbed in front of his eyes.

“Or even the fan favorite…” Flash. A familiar grey pegasus mare appeared in the reflection.

“Woah,” she muttered, holding a hoof to her face. “How does anyone see like this?” She paused, surprise registering in her misaligned eyes.

“Is that my voice? Is that MY voice?” The pegasus mailmare shook her head. “Nope. Can’t handle this.” The grey mare’s body vanished in a flash of light, replaced by the mint-colored stallion’s.

“Wow.” Wits End shook his head, forcing his eyes to face the same direction again. “That hurt my brain. Note to self: don’t do that again.” His smile returned. “Still, this opens a whole bunch of new opportunities for fun.”

Flash.

“Wits End!” Twilight frowned at the reflection. “Stop having fun! Books books books!”

Flash.

“Well gosh golly darnation!” Applejack’s eyes were wide. “Golly gee, Wits! Ah’m a cowpony! Howdy howdy howdy! Buy some apples!”

Flash.

A blush spread over Fluttershy’s face. “Nope, can’t even do this as a joke.”

With a final flash, Wits returned to his original form. “Still, there doesn’t seem to be any limitations on this spell.” He placed a hoof on his chin. “I wonder… Does it work if I try it ponies that don’t actually exist?” He closed his eyes and focused. After several seconds of concentration, the light returned. “Feels different this time…”

* * *

Wayward Sun hacked at an overhanging branch with his blade, cutting it cleanly off the offending tree. He couldn’t shake the image of the purple-maned mare from before. As a result, he had turned right around and forged a path into the forest, where he was sure the mare had to have gone. “My quest can wait,” he muttered to himself as he chopped down another branch in his way. “My return from Lost Izalithoroughbred can wait until this fair maiden is safely returned to her companions. No adherent of The Lady of Sunlight would leave a defenseless pony in danger.”

“Oh my, such a gentlestallion.”

Wayward spun around, his sword and shield at the ready. A washed-out-green pony with long, slender legs trotted out from behind a nearby tree, with a coat spotted by patches of more vibrant emerald-color. Long locks of a raven-black mane framed an androgynous face, broken by a long curved horn sprouting from the pony’s forehead. Its tail was covered by short hair like its body, except for the same long black hair at the end, creating an appearance more like a lion’s tail than a pony’s.

“And who are you?” Wayward asked, not dropping his guard for a moment.

The mysterious pony grinned, leaning against the tree. “Someone who’s an adventurer for fun. You can relax. I’ve no intention of fighting you.”

“Hmm.” Wayward relaxed, but didn’t sheath his blade. “In that case, I must ask you a question. Have you seen a young mare come through here? She had a coat of silver, and a mane of the finest purple.”

“The unicorn mare?” The black-maned pony thought for a moment. “Why do you ask?”

Wayward’s eyes narrowed. “Because I care for her safety. You clearly know of her fate, so tell me before I lose my patience.”

The pony chuckled. “Calm yourself, knight. Your fair maiden is safe. I saw to her myself.”

“And how can I trust you?” Wayward asked.

“Now why would you ask to trust a stranger in the middle of the woods?” the pony laughed. “Your fair maiden has a friend in me, good knight. Turn back to your own travels or continue your search for the mare. It’s no matter to me.” With that, the black-maned unicorn trotted past Wayward.

After a moment, Wayward sheathed his sword and turned to watch the pony retreat. “I do not believe I ever got your name, wanderer.”

The pony paused. “How very true,” it mused. It tilted its head back, looking over its shoulder at the knight, a toothy grin still on its face. “I do believe you’re right.” With another laugh, the black-maned pony passed behind a tree and disappeared from view.

Wayward frowned, watching where the pony had vanished. The mysterious unicorn had certainly seemed strange, but there hadn’t been any malice in its voice; only smug amusement. Besides, Wayward thought, with that much of a delay, the mare must be well out of reach by now. With a sigh, the wandering knight turned back to the forest entrance and set off for the end of his journey once again.

* * *

The black-maned unicorn watched from the shadows as Wayward Sun set off on the road. Its tail swept lazily behind it, like a hunter after a successful hunt. “Too simple,” it chuckled. “Far too sim-”

“Wits?” Twilight Sparkle’s voice broke into the unicorn’s thoughts. “Are you there? I need to check in. How are you doing?”

The pony’s smile fell as it was interrupted. It only took a moment for it to recompose itself, setting its grin back on its face. “I’m sorry,” it replied, “but Wits End is out at the moment. Please hang up and try again later, won’t you?”

“Wits? What do you mea-”

“Your call is important to us.” With a mental click, the telepathic connection closed, leaving the black-maned pony to laugh in the resulting silence.

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 58: Purple Heart Does a Thing

Purple Heart grumbled under his breath as he considered the map he had laid out while he took a break during his lonesome trek towards Mistakwe. Biting into an apple, his cobalt eyes flicked across the parchment, picking out landmarks as he recognized them, matching them to those he had seen so far over the course of his travels since first arriving to this...land. He noted the clearing where he had first ‘disembarked’ Discord’s crazy rainbow flash, where he had met Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash before being set upon by that Wandering Pine. Another bite at the apple as his eyes skimmed the path that met another to make the crossroads where they had fought the bandit patrol. Eventually, his gaze passed over Roads Crossed where they had saved the village from bandits.

A twig cracked, drawing Purple Heart’s attention away from the map for a brief moment, his eyes flashing with alertness as he scanned the surrounding forest and the path that split it. A cleft of rocks at his back could provide a nice vantage point or high ground should he be assaulted from any direction.

“I use Perception on the surrounding forest to pinpoint the twig that snapped,” Purple Heart whispered, hoping not to alert any interlopers seeking to disturb his break. A few seconds passed, during which silence was the purple earth pony’s only response.

Then, “You see and hear nothing out of the ordinary,” the Discord-voice said. That didn’t settle Purple Heart’s mind. Being a barbarian didn’t give him any favors in the intelligence department, so either there was nothing there, or he just didn’t have the smarts to see any threats.

Wish I had a ‘Sense Threat’ skill, Purple Heart grumbled to himself. At least then I’d know if anything around here wanted to do me harm.

Sighing, but not releasing any of his tension, Purple Heart returned to the map. He skimmed down the road he, Rarity, and Fluttershy had taken towards the capital, the same road where he’d met and subsequently been hired by Amber Glitter to rescue her maid. That was followed by a jaunt through the forest to deal with Boomer and save the maid, then he’d finally reached Gallopilli, capital of Roania. There, he’d accidentally insulted a lord’s daughter at a ball, got arrested and sentenced to fight in a coliseum that nopony had ever won their freedom from, helped depose a monarch while putting another back up, and finally dealing with a relationship that shouldn’t have even seen the light of headcanon. Truly, his travels these past months were fantasy story material.

The sound of another snapping twig set Purple Heart on edge. He hastily repacked the map before tensing his shoulders, waiting for any threats to appear. More twigs cracked, this time accompanied by the clanking of metal on metal and the muffled words of somepony singing to themselves. The tune was familiar to the purple earth pony. He crept out into the middle of the road, coming to his full height as he looked down the path.

Approaching Purple Heart was a portly looking male unicorn the color of burnished platinum. His slightly shaggy mane fell from his slightly balding scalp in a white curtain, giving him an aged but wise look. A wide beard and fluffy mustachios added to the appearance, as did the crooked horn and wire thin spectacles. A dark green robe fluttered in the soft breeze, kicked up by the levitating pack the size of a small elephant. The unicorn’s eyes were closed as he hummed, seemingly oblivious to the roadblock he was advancing on.

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the travelling pony. The unicorn couldn’t have been a noble; a noble wouldn’t have deigned to carry their own luggage and would certainly have an entourage for that sole purpose. A crafter would have a cart and would at least have some kind of guard to protect their wares. This unicorn though...was probably a powerful mage travelling as a merchant. At least, that’s what Purple Heart guessed.

“Um, excuse me?” the purple earth pony called, trying to get the unicorn’s attention. The platinum pony cracked an eye open and looked at Purple Heart.

“Oho,” he said jovially, opening the other eye as he trotted to a stop several paces in front of Purple Heart. “A travelling stranger. What can I do for you, youngling?”

“Erm,” Purple Heart hesitated. “My name is Purple Heart. You wouldn’t happen to know of a blacksmith, would you? I have a piece of equipment I need for them to appraise.” The old pony arched an eyebrow in interest.

“I am known as Tinker Tempest,” the unicorn introduced himself. “As for a blacksmith, a supplier and buyer of mine resides in a town nearby. I could lead you there.” Purple Heart grinned and inclined his head in thanks.

“I’d be most grateful if you showed me the way,” Purple Heart replied respectfully. Tinker coughed a laugh as he turned to face the direction he’d come.

“Finally, a youngster who respects their elders,” the platinum unicorn chortled. “Been a time since a youngling has spoken to me in such a proper manner.” Purple Heart shrugged.

“If I hadn’t been respectful,” the purple earth pony explained as the pair began to walk down the path side by side, “you would have been less inclined to assist me.”

Tinker’s eyes widened. “Such big words for a pony of your age,” he mused cheekily.

Purple Heart snickered. “I like reading and writing. That’s why my vocabulary is so much greater than that of a normal pony.”

“So I noticed,” Tinker agreed. “If you don’t mind me asking, were you the pony that got himself arrested and then freed through fighting in Gallopilli’s Coliseum?” Purple Heart balked briefly before continuing his slow pace of walking beside the merchant.

“What of it?” he asked, his voice cold. Tinker chuckled.

“Nothing really,” the unicorn replied. “Just curious as to why the Champion of the Coliseum is traveling without his band of cohorts.” Purple Heart visibly relaxed before replying to the platinum pony’s deduction.

“We’re on something of a holiday,” he lied. “I’m visiting the town of Mistakwe while several of my friends are travelling to Ade.”

“Travelling alone?” Tinker asked. “Is that from arrogance?” Purple Heart grimaced, remembering parting ways with his two colt comrades.

“More like out of separation,” he amended. “One of my colt comrades went off to help a noble who’d been travelling with us to find an old relic and the other took a tumble down a cliff. So, here I am, chatting with you.”

“Hmm,” Tinker Tempest hummed, his eyes on the path ahead. He probably didn’t believe what Purple Heart said. But he gave no outward sign to promote that theory. “Well, it’s your own business. I’ll stop prying then.” Purple Heart nodded and the two ponies fell into an amiable silence as they continued down the path.

As they walked, the sun reached its apex in the partially cloudy sky and then began its usual downwards arc towards the horizon, bringing the soft colors of the afternoon with it. Several times, the pair struck up more conversation to pass the day. Tinker even brought out a few choice pieces of his inventory from his travel bag and tried to get Purple Heart to buy them. One or two of the items caught his interest and he promptly purchased them to take them off Tinker’s hooves. They even broke into song, both of them singing a song of adventure that Purple Heart was surprised the old pony knew. Not many ponies he interacted with knew Binky’s Cider and even fewer knew the lyrics.

The duo were settling down for a break about halfway through the afternoon when all sounds of the forest suddenly, and inexplicably, ceased.

“Well that’s not worrying at all,” Tinker mused warily.

“Indeed,” Purple Heart agreed, his eyes scanning the treeline on either side of the path. “Is this part of the forest inhabited by dangerous or aggressive wildlife?”

“Only the odd pack of Timberwolves and the occasional bear,” Tinker replied. “But there are legends of a hidden grotto that’s protected by a strange antlered beast with a terrifying visage.” Purple Heart blinked, gulping in fear. He didn’t put it past Discord to make a parody of that thing. Best choice would be to avoid it at all costs.

“I don’t think Timberwolves or bears could be responsible for instilling this much fear amongst the wildlife,” the purple barbarian deduced. Tinker nodded and the two resumed trotting, albeit at a much more sedate and cautious pace. They’d barely gone five steps when a large boar careened out of the forest to their left and onto the path. It snuffled angrily, swaying its massive, bloodstained snout from side to side as if tracking an elusive scent. Misted beady black eyes stared around the path, blindly passing over the frozen Purple Heart and Tinker Tempest as the boar lowed in pain. The hefty creature stumbled from side to side, almost toppling over as its bulk shifted.

Purple Heart and Tinker Tempest both watched in morbid fascination, Tinker a bit more so than Purple Heart as the boar grunted and snuffled. Blood dripped from its snout onto the ground as black, worm-like tubes waved independently in regard to the boar’s shivering. Purple Heart stiffened upon recognizing the parasitical worms and couldn’t stifle a sharp inhalation when he noticed the grass die as the boar’s obviously corrupted blood made contact with the trampled stalks.

“What’s wrong with it?” Tinker whispered, awestruck at the event before them.

“I dunno,” Purple Heart replied truthfully. He knew of similar effects to another boar he’d seen, but he didn’t know if the cause was the same. “I don’t think I should mention this to ‘Shy though...”

“She’s the one who likes animals, correct?”

“Jah,” the purple earth pony confirmed.

“A wise decision,” Tinker agreed.

Any more conversation between the two ponies was forgotten when the boar let out a keening rumble that shook the forest to its roots. With a final shudder, the boar collapsed, its blood forming a ring of dead grass around its carcass, the shaking worm-like things settling on the boar’s coarse fur before slipping off and falling to the ground. Silence settled on the path for several seconds before the sounds of the forest returned, along with Purple Heart and Tinker’s voices.

“Okay,” the purple earth pony mumbled. “Foreboding event, death to plants, parasitical worms... Perhaps a metal ball is responsible?”

“Pardon?” Tinker asked, quirking his eyebrows in interest. “Do you know what could have caused this reaction?”

Purple Heart shook his head in denial. “Nothing comes to mind,” he evaded. “Just curious.”

Tinker nodded his head in agreement. “Indeed,” the aged pony said. “I think keeping a good distance between us and the corpse would be wise.”

“No argument there,” Purple Heart said, gesturing for Tinker to lead the way. The two stallions edged warily around the ring of dead grass surrounding the corrupted boar. As Purple Heart passed it, he looked into the forest where the boar had come from. He gasped, stunned at the trail of dead plant life and devastation that disappeared into the bowels of the forest. He hastily pulled out his map and peered at it, tracing the approximate path directly towards-

“Hey, quit lollygagging!” Tinker snapped from further ahead. “You wanna get to Mistakwe, right? We’ll have to pick up the pace to get there before sunset.”

“Roight,” Purple Heart called back, his eyes glazed as he stuffed the map back into his pack before completing the circuit around the fallen boar and cantering off after Tinker. The purple barbarian hoped the mares were all right. Considering the boar had come directly from the town of Ade.

* * *

A pair of green eyes watched the two stallions as they prepared to make camp for the night in a small area just off the path. Ever since that boar had died before the travelling ponies, the eyes had been tracking them, following them down the forest path, all intentions known only to the eye’s owner. Leaves rustled to the left of the eyes, causing the glowing orbs to turn towards the sound, narrowing in suspicion. Seeing nothing, the eyes returned to staring at the ponies down below.

“How goes the stalking of ponies?” a voice whispered from the other side of the eyes.

“SHH~” A mouth opened beneath the green eyes, hissing at the newly arrived figure beside it. “They’ll hear us!”

“I doubt that,” the newcomer scoffed silently, retaining the same pitch it had used previously. “Neither of them are rangers. Calm down and relax, Bean. We’ll grab them after they fall asleep.”

“That one is a wizard or mage of some sort though,” Bean pointed out. “He might have cast some kind of detection spell.”

The newcomer sighed in exasperation. “You are a serious nerd.”

“Know your enemy,” Bean scoffed. “Ever heard the phrase? Or do you prefer to stay with your hammers, Tong?”

Tong rolled his eyes that were an equally green shade matching those of Bean. “At least I get out and about. You never left your house of books and only left the lair under orders from the Master.”

Bean grimaced. His friend was right. Prior to serving the Master, he prefered to stay in his little library-like house and read his many tomes, scrolls, books, and journals. Now here he was, under protest, spying on a potential candidate for the Emerald Seed. The unicorn was of no consequence as magic users didn’t react well to the transition. All subjects had died. But the earth pony… His strength would increase tenfold upon receiving the treatment.

“Looks like they’re beginning to nod off,” Tong noted.

Bean huffed, rolling his eyes in irritation at the blacksmith’s observation. “I know. I can see them too, you hammer swinging git.”

“Aw, you know you love me.”

“Under duress.”

Tong chuckled and turned around to face the other hidden ponies on stand by. He gestured towards the now sleeping stallions below them. “It’s time,” he hissed.

Shadows broke away from the tree line, all of them sliding across the grass towards the two sleeping stallions. A gibbous moon hung gracefully in the sky, dimly illuminating the small clearing the traveling stallions slept in. Green eyes glowed in the darkened forest as a dozen ponies advanced towards the center of the clearing. Within seconds, the the green eyed ponies had surrounded the slumbering duo, looking down at their quarry in silence. Eyes blinked as the group waited for their next order. Tong and Bean walked down from the bluff they’d sequestered themselves upon while waiting for their quarry to arrive.

Tong moved through the ring of ponies towards the purple earth pony while Bean joined the ring. Cocking his head to one side, the blacksmith pony tapped the sleeping stallion on the shoulder.

“You gonna wake up?” he asked benignly.

“What are you doing?!” Bean hissed, taking a step forward to stop Tong’s antics. “He could wake up!” Tong looked over his shoulder, an eyebrow arched at the book-loving pony.

“So you didn’t cast Sleep on them?” he questioned.

“Of course I did!” Bean snarled. “The only way he’ll wake up though is if I release the spell or you poke him enough!” Immediately, Tong backed off.

“Oh,” he grunted. “Oops.” Bean rolled his eyes and gestured to four of the heftiest ponies in the group.

“Carry the purple one,” he ordered. “We’re taking him to the Master.” The four ponies grunted as they lifted the purple earth pony between them before trotting off into the tree line, six more ponies protecting them in a box formation.

“What about the unicorn?” one of the two remaining groupies growled.

“Leave him,” Bean waved dismissively at the trader. “He serves no purpose. He is of no consequence.” With that said, Bean departed with Tong and the other two ponies trailing after him as they left the unicorn alone in the night.

* * *

Purple Heart awoke to a smart hit upside his head. Instantly, his eyes opened as pain assaulted his brain. He blinked several times, squinting as the pain became a dull throb. A torch sparked and spat in a bracket on a stone wall some ten paces away from him, illuminating the small chamber he lay in. A small groan snuck past his lips as he tried to stand. A clinking sound reached Purple Heart’s ears and he glanced down, his eyes widening when he recognized the thick chains shackling him in place.

“Aw, c’mon,” he groaned before a coughing fit wracked his body. “Blast... Water. I need water.”

“Welcome,” a breathy voice whispered beside Purple Heart’s ear. The purple barbarian jerked in surprise at the abrupt greeting from directly next to him. “It’s such an honor to have you here.” Purple Heart tried to calm his racing heart before responding with a witty comeback.

“Welp, I’d give you my opinion on my being here if I knew where here was,” Purple Heart rasped succinctly. Wits End would not be impressed.

“Ah, I do believe I can’t tell you exactly where,” the voice said, its voice mildly apologetic, “but I can tell you that we are underground.”

Purple Heart nodded in understanding. “Aha. Charming.”

“It is, isn’t it?” the voice agreed, moving around to stand in front of Purple Heart in the light of the torch bracket. The purple earth pony blinked and cocked his head at the bright blue pegasus with a curled mane and tail the color of freshly cut grass. Her blue wings were folded to her sides. Green eyes ringed with a band of gold gazed amusedly at Purple Heart. A glowing green mark stood out on her flank...

A tree between a sun and moon.

Purple Heart cleared his throat and swallowed. “Who’re you?” he asked. “And am I being held prisoner by some cult that wants to make me some kind of braindead grunt with a jamba juice?”

The pegasus blinked and giggled. “Three out of four. Not bad,” she mused. “As for who I am, my name is Navee, the Sprite.”

“Oh. Shiny.” Then Purple Heart blinked in return. “Wait, wut? I was right?”

“Surprisingly yes, on three counts,” the cyan pegasus confirmed, nodding.

“Huh,” Purple Heart grunted intelligently. “Why?”

“Why what?” Navee asked.

“Why am I being held here?” he elaborated. “I mean, being the Champion of Gallopilli’s Coliseum can’t be the only reason you decided to capture me. Do you think I’m dumb enough for you to be able to control with little to no difficulty?”

There was a pause after Purple Heart asked the question. The two ponies stared at each other, neither speaking. Then Purple Heart’s eyes widened.

“Seriously?!” he squeaked. “Just because I’m a tank barbarian, you think I can’t resist any mind control?”

Navee nodded. “Yeah,” she confirmed. Purple Heart slumped to the ground, chains clinking against the stone floor.

“Aw, don’t feel bad,” Navee soothed. “After being exposed to the Emerald Seed, all your worries will be gone.”

The supine earth pony cast a baleful gaze at the cyan pegasus while she walked to the entrance and spoke to somepony on the other side of the cast iron door.

“Just because I’m a barbarian doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I’m smart. I can remember things. Not all the time, but my intelligence is better than average if I do say so myself,” he growled under his breath. “Besides, I’d rather not be in a Sukiyomi world or other. I like freedom of will, thank you very much.”

Navee turned around and placed a small chest several paces away from Purple Heart.

“Lemme guess...” Purple Heart sighed. “Chaos emerald.” Navee quirked her brow and cocked her head to the side, blinking down at the purple barbarian in confusion.

“No,” she denied. “This is the Emerald Seed, creator of daemons, given to us by Lord Bael.”

It took a significant amount of willpower for Purple Heart to not choke on his own spittle upon hearing that...thing’s name.

“So you’re...” he hesitated. “Daemons? All because of whatever is in that chest?” Navee nodded, grinning widely.

“Yeah,” she said. “All we have to do is expose you to the Emerald Seed and then you’ll become a daemon. Isn’t that cool?”

“Not really,” Purple Heart grumbled. “There isn’t any way I can convince you to let me go, is there?”

“Nope,” Navee said cheerfully.

Purple Heart groaned. “Greeeat,” he whined. Then he sighed. “Fine, let’s see if my willpower allows me to withstand the effects.”

“I wouldn’t hold my breath,” the pegasus commented.

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at Navee. “I’m a barbarian,” he said flatly. “75% of my success is based on willpower. Loathe as I am to admit it, I do possess some of the typical traits for a shounen protagonist.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Navee snorted, opening the chest. Purple Heart squinted as a blinding green light filled the chamber, emanating from a small, finely cut green stone nestled on a plush pillow.
Navee spoke a word, most likely the activation phrase and the glow intensified, blinding the occupants of the chamber. Purple Heart could feel something foreign enter him, like a tendril of thought from a mind probe. The light dimmed briefly, allowing the purple earth pony to see Navee’s gleeful grin through the glow. Darkness began to cloud Purple Heart’s vision and his head lolled to one side, his eyes drooping closed. Apparently, this was when the green eyes happened. He took a deep breath and settled as the foreign feeling shot through his body, taking hold.

And then disappeared.

Very suddenly

The glow from the Emerald was cut off when Navee shut the chest. She waved at a something behind her and several ponies entered the chamber. Once again, Purple Heart was surrounded by ponies.

“Open your eyes,” Navee commanded.

“Why should I?” Purple Heart grumbled.

“Open your eyes,” she repeated.

“Nope. Don’t wanna.”

“Open your eyes!” Navee snapped.

Purple Heart winced and sighed. “Fine.”

Purple Heart’s eyes flicked open to reveal normal cobalt blue orbs. No green. Whatsoever. The group of ponies gasped in surprise.

“It didn’t work!” one squeaked.

“Why didn’t it work?” another asked.

“He’s immune!”

“How?”

“He could be the First.”

“The Progenitor?”

“Of course! Lord Bael said he was created from the emotions of a purple earth pony! Maybe this is the one he was referring to!”

“Is it possible?”

While all this was going on, Purple Heart’s mind was racing. It makes sense, he mused. If the Emerald Seed was derived from Bael’s essence, I’d be immune to the effects of the Emerald, as Bael was derived from me. Ow, my brain hurts.

“Lord!” the daemon ponies cried, breaking Purple Heart from his thoughts. He turned towards them and blinked. They were kneeling before him.

“Huh?” he replied intelligently.

“Hail the Progenitor, First Daemon!” they saluted. Purple Heart blanched.

“...Aw carp.”

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

(This is being uploaded on Friday instead of Saturday because of Hobbitfest. We shall return to our usual upload schedule next weekend. Gnoighters.)

Chapter 59: Who is that Pony I see?

The sound of running water caused the young pony’s ears to twitch, even in sleep. Nearby, a songbird called out to its partner, filling the clearing with a beautiful tune.

“Shaddup!” The bird’s song turned into a squawk as a lightning bolt struck the branch it was sitting on at the base. Wits End pulled himself to his hooves, shaking a few spare motes of magic away from his horn as he did so. “Bloody birbs,” he muttered. “I was having a lovely dream about having fingers and a gall bladder again…”

He blinked, taking in his surroundings. “I don’t wish to alarm myself,” he said aloud, “but I don’t think this is where I was before my nap.” The mint-colored unicorn frowned, his face screwing up in concentration as he tried to remember. “Let’s see… I fell down a cliff, pretended to be Rarity, got a drink from a sunbrony, and then…

“And then…” Wits shook his head. “And then what? I was gonna try to invent a new appearance, and…” He winced, holding a hoof to his head. “Oh, that’s unpleasant. Less icepicks stabbing behind my eyes, please.” The sound of water got his attention again, and he looked to one side to see a flowing stream. “Water. Water is good for headaches, right?”

The unicorn stallion trotted over to the stream and drank heavily from it. “Ah, much better.” Wits End closed his eyes and splashed water on his face, feeling the sudden jolt of cold force his brain to fully awaken. “Now, all I gotta do is-”

“Take a bit of a break? Excellent idea.”

Wits froze. “Um… Okay. That was weird. I know that was in my brain, but I certainly didn’t say it.”

“You don’t have to.” Wits could feel his mouth working to say the words now. Quickly, he leaned back over the stream to watch his reflection. “After all,” the voice coming out of his mouth said, “you’ve done more than your share of thinking over the last few weeks, haven’t you?” Wits watched as his mouth was pulled into a grin. “Just leave things to me for a while.”

“Wait, what?” Wits stumbled backwards, watching as a familiar light began to shine from his hooves, and slowly overtake his body. “But- But-” He winced as the light approached his neck, his eyes widening in panic. “I don’t want to go!”

The light enveloped the young stallion’s body. Just as quickly as it had covered him, the glow receded, the minty blues of his coat replaced by muddy greens. The stallion’s short mane blossomed into raven-black locks, with a similarly colored tuft of hair capping an otherwise plain tail. The newly formed pony grinned, running a hoof over its smooth features.

“You were expecting someone else?” the mysterious pony chuckled, watching its reflection in the stream as its eyes transitioned from Wits End’s green to its own yellow. “Now then, I’ve some business to take care of.” The raven-maned pony retrieved a strange telescoping rod from Wits End’s saddle bag, sliding it over the hilt of Wits’ sword and locking it into place. “This, too, is pony’s work.”

* * *

“Hey, Mugsy?”

The rust-brown pegasus glanced up from the road. “Yes, Bugsy?”

“I was-” The muddy blue unicorn was cut off by her stomach growling. “I was wonderin’,” she continued, “maybe… Maybe th’ banditin’ life ain’t for us? Maybe we’d be better off farmin’ rocks or somethin’ like that.”

“Hmm…” Mugsy turned back to the path in front of them. “Perhaps.”

“I mean,” Bugsy continued, “E’er since we met those three ponies, our luck’s been nothin’ but bad! Th’ boss got taken down by those village weaklin’s, then HIS boss got his in th’ capital thanks t’ th’ queen.” The unicorn idly kicked a rock out of her way. “Maybe we oughta look int’ some other way of makin’ bits.”

“We certainly don’t have any bits,” the pegasus mused. The pair talked in silence for a time. “There is another possibility,” Bugsy said.

Bugsy’s ears perked up. “What’s that, Mugsy?”

Mugsy gestured with a wing up the road. “We just need the right target.”

Up ahead, a black-maned pony was trotting towards them; seemingly unarmed and unaware of their presence. With a well-practiced head motion, the two ne'er-do-wells split up, each one moving to flank the traveller. “So,” Mugsy rasped, drawing his sword as he took to the air, “what do we got here, Bugsy?”

The unicorn grinned, nocking an arrow to her bow. “Looks like a wanderin’ piggy bank, Mugsy,” she chuckled. “Hoof over yer bits, an’ no-pony gets it!”

The black-maned pony glanced at the two bandits with a look of faint confusion. Soon, however, a smile of recognition replaced it. “Ah, you two. You wouldn’t happen to have a talking cat, would you?”

Mugsy frowned. “Look, we have had quite enough trouble so far, so if you would not mind, please just give us your bits before we have to get violent.”

“Oh, we wouldn’t want that.” The raven-maned pony’s smile turned to a toothy grin. “However, I’m disinclined to acquiesce your request for my monetary allotment.” The pony watched as the two bandits shared the same uncomprehending stare. “Means no.”

“I was afraid that would be the case,” Mugsy sighed. With a flap of his wings, the pegasus dove forward, spinning his entire body to provide force to his swinging sword. “Then we will have to take them from you!”

At the last moment, the mysterious pony’s grin widened. It stepped back and leaned away from the sword’s tip, watching as it passed. It leaped backwards, throwing its cloak back to draw a sword of its own; a strange metal rod locked in place over the handle. The pony landed with the tip of its blade pointed at the pegasus.

All the while, its toothy grin hadn’t changed. “En garde.”

“Eat this!” Bugsy loosed an arrow from her bow, aimed right between the pony’s eyes. The raven-maned unicorn flicked its sword, batting the arrow out of the air. It leaped forward in an instant, closing the distance between them.

“That was rude,” it chuckled. It lunged, driving the point of its sword forward with the full weight of its body behind it.

Steel met steel with a clash as Mugsy swooped in, deflecting the blow before it could connect. “Do not forget about me!” he shouted, pulling in the air and making another pass.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” The raven-maned pony waited until Mugsy was committed to his dive before sidestepping. With a flick, the rod on its sword’s hilt extended into a spear, and it thrusted into the side of the surprised pegasus. The blade cut into his leather armor, sending him crashing into the ground.

“Mugsy!” Bugsy took a step toward the prone pegasus, only to be stopped by the mysterious pony stepping between them. She grit her teeth, taking aim at the grinning pony as she drew another arrow. “Keep yer hooves offa ‘im, ba-”

The pony shifted its magical grip to the very end of the spear. In a flash of steel, Bugsy’s bow was split in two, the arrow sailing away harmlessly. “Mind your language,” it tutted, sliding its grip back up towards the blade and continuing the swing to slam the butt of the spear into her stomach. The unicorn mare’s breath left her in a rush as she was thrown back, landing next to her companion. “Now,” it trotted to stand over the fallen bandits, raising the spear over its head, “to end this nuisance.”

“Stop!”

The mysterious unicorn paused, the word resounding inside its mind. “So,” it muttered under its breath, “you’ve found your voice again, have you?”

“Whatever you are,” Wits End’s thoughts echoed, “you can back off. I won’t let you do anything else to them.”

“Hah!” The unicorn placed the butt of the spear against Mugsy’s face, pushing it into the dirt. “They are, and will always be, nothing more than an irritant. You’ve seen it yourself. I’m doing you a favor, finishing them off.”

“Absolutely not!” The words stung the inside of its brain. “What part of ‘I won’t let you’ didn’t register, buddy? Everypony lives! Just this once, everypony lives. So you can either find a way to deal with it, or I swear on my pretty blue cap that I’ll kick your skinny butt so hard you’ll land behind my memories of calculus. Got it?”

The mysterious pony thought for a moment. “Fine.” It twisted the spear handle, collapsing it back into the hilt. “You two,” it said, “get up. You’ve still got some use to me, after all.”

Mugsy groaned, looking down at where the blade had pierced his armor. The point had been stopped by the chainmail he wore underneath, but he could still feel a massive bruise forming. “And what would that be, exactly?” he growled.”

“Head north.” The raven-maned pony slid its sword back into its sheath. “Keep going until you find a village. You’ll find a stallion looking for ponies of your skills.”

“Wha?” Bugsy pulled herself to her hooves. “Whadyah mean?”

“Congratulate yourselves,” the unicorn continued with a grin. “I’ve found you a job.”
With a grunt, Mugsy stood as well. “You thoroughly thrashed us, and now you help us? What do you get out of this?”

“Why, the simple satisfaction of helping another pony.” The mysterious unicorn’s grin widened. “However, there will come a day when I find you again and ask for a favor. When that day comes, you would do well to do everything in your power to help me.”

“Or else?” Bugsy asked.

The raven-maned pony turned away. “That would not be in your best interest. Gather your things and go. Quickly, before I change my mind.” It glanced over its shoulder, watching the two bandits retrieve their weaponry. Once the two of them were on their way northward, it turned back to the path. “Feel better?” it asked.

“I’d feel better if you, ya know, didn’t exist so I had my body back,” Wits End thought back. “I’ve got a lot of questions for you, headmate.”

The pony grinned again. “I’ll have to put you on hold. I’m getting another call.”

“What? Hey! Don’t make cheesy jokes! This is one of the few times I’m being serious, you ba-”

With a mental click, the mysterious pony changed where its thoughts were directed. “Ah, Twilight. I’ve been expecting you.”

“Wits?” Twilight Sparkle’s voice echoed in its head. “What in Equestria is going on? And why do you sound different? ...Well, not ‘sound’ per se, but you know what I mean!”

“I’m sorry. I’m not quite myself today.” The pony chuckled. “Anyway, I’ll have to make this short. I’m fine. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Wits, don’t you dare disconnect me again, or I swear to Celes-”

The mental connection closed with a click. “Now,” the raven-maned unicorn said, focusing on the unicorn inside his mind, “where were we?”

“You wouldn’t be so smug if I was the one bodyjacking you, buddy. Let’s start with the immediate questions. Who-slash-what are you? What village did you sent to Team Rocket to? How’d you know that’s Holdfast’s rod-a-ma-jig would make that sword all trick weapon-y?”

“To answer those in reverse order,” the pony said, “I have some prior knowledge of their design. You may have noticed that there are things that I know that you do not. And finally…” It chuckled. “I’m you, of course.”

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 60: "Yer a Primarch, Purple Heart."

“I told you!” Purple Heart snapped for the thousandth time at the collection of daemon-ponies trailing after him as he stalked through the underground tunnels, “I’m NOT taking over as Master Daemon-whatever!”

“But you are the First!” Navee cried. “It is your destiny to lead the Daemon Cult of Bael to glory!”

“If I had a destiny, I’m pretty certain it isn’t that. It’d be much more mundane!” the purple earth pony called over his shoulder. “Besides, I have no intention of staying here any longer than I have to! I have places to go, things to do, daemon-ponies to punch!”

“Do you have any solid reasons for not staying? Are we that horrible a group of daemon-ponies? We will follow your every command, Master First,” Navee wheedled. Purple Heart stopped at a crossroad where several tunnels met. He sighed, rubbing a hoof across his face before turning around to face the tenacious blue pegasus and the impromptu retinue behind her.

“There happens to be a veritable carpload of reasons for why I don’t want to stay here and run things,” Purple Heart grimaced. “Prime among them is the presence of paperwork.” Navee and the retinue blinked and cocked their heads to the left in confusion.

“Paperwork?” Navee asked.

“Yes,” the purple barbarian explained. “The bane of all leaders, be them village chiefs or conglomerate heads or imperial stewards.”

“We don’t have paperwork,” Navee said primly. Purple Heart blinked.

“Say what?”

“No paperwork,” Navee reiterated. “The only paperwork we use is for messages and scrolls for orders.” Sometimes… she thought. Maybe he won’t notice...

“Huh,” Purple Heart grunted. “Okay, point for you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stay and run this cult!”

“Not a cult!” a pony from behind Navee called.

“What are you then?!”

“A non-profit organization hoping to better ponykind?”

“...You almost had me believing that for a second there, but that aside, you’re missing the point!” Purple Heart sighed and ran a hoof through his mane. “I have previous engagements far away from here. I can’t run this place AND be elsewhere at the same time! Besides, there’s the small fact that Bael is my EN-EM-Y.” He chopped the final word up, enunciating it as clearly as possible as to get the daemon-ponies to understand his meaning. “I haven’t the bloody foggiest idea why he’s so interested in me and I doubt it’s because he bats for the other team.”

The crossroads of tunnels was silent for several seconds as the daemon-ponies absorbed this new factoid.

“Lord Bael is out to kill the First, the Progenitor?” one of the daemon-ponies whispered.

“Should we be loyal to the First, or the one who gave us this gift?” another asked.

“Why does Lord Bael wish death upon the First?” more questioned.

“Navee?” they all said finally. “What should we do?”

The blue pegasus didn’t respond. She was looking at Purple Heart, her eyes seeking truth in the purple earth pony’s own cobalt orbs. Seconds passed, during which Navee continued to stare into Purple Heart’s eyes as the daemon-ponies around the pair shifted uncomfortably at the tension-filled air.

“How about a compromise?” the blue pegasus offered finally. “You become Master of the Daemons but take control as a field commander. You’ll receive reports and give out orders from abroad while we act upon your will.”

“And how do you propose I receive these reports and issue these orders?” Purple Heart asked. “Unless you possess some sort of telepathic connection with me.”

Navee shook her head. “We don’t have a connection like that. None of us do, not to each other or to Bael,” she explained. “I’ll travel with you as your advisor in fairy form.”

Purple Heart blinked.

“Fairy form?” he echoed. “What, pray tell, is your fairy form?” Without a word, Navee closed her eyes and a soft green sheen enveloped her form. She began to shrink, slowly at first, then with greater speed until she was roughly the size of an apple, simply hovering there in front of Purple Heart.

“I’ll be your fairy companion,” Navee squeaked, her voice several octaves higher than it was prior to her bout of self-inflicted shrinking. “I’m small, barely noticeable, and I’ll have the chance to fly around the world and see everything!”

Aside from the blue glow, she’s just like that moth. I hope she isn’t as annoying, Purple Heart mused to himself. But I have to admit, having a secret organization at my call would definitely be helpful in the coming weeks, particularly if I have to gather information or need a helping hoof. The pros outweigh the cons… I just hope the paperwork is kept to a minimum.

“I won’t have to deal with any paperwork at all?” he asked out loud. Navee nodded. Purple Heart twisted his lips to one side, mulling over his thoughts. Eventually, he reached his decision.

Looking at the group of daemon-ponies before him, he narrowed his eyes and deepened his voice, giving it a commanding quality.

“Assemble the rest of the organization to me,” he ordered, looking at Navee. “I have a speech to make to you all.”

The blue pegasus nodded, swelling to her original size. “What about those who are on patrol or scouting?”

“Pass my words to them when they return,” Purple Heart said. He turned to one of the daemon-ponies behind Navee. “Take me to a chamber big enough to hold the entire organization. The rest of you: help Navee gather the other members for my address.” Several of the daemon-ponies saluted while others inclined their heads before they all disappeared into the tunnels, save the one Purple Heart had ordered to direct him to the conference chamber.

It took ten minutes for those daemon-ponies present in the tunnel network to arrive in the impromptu conference room Purple Heart commandeered for the purpose of addressing his soon-to-be subordinates.

He stood on a slight rise, allowing him to look out at the assembled daemon-ponies. All of them were murmuring to each other in hushed voices, waiting for the purple earth pony to begin speaking. With a deep inhale followed by an exhale, Purple Heart stepped forward. Instantly, all conversations ceased as scores of vibrant emerald green eyes stared up at him. Taking another deep breath, Purple Heart hoped his charisma stat was enough to convince them of his ideals and intentions.

“My name is Purple Heart,” he began. “I am an adventurer. Some of you have never opened chardonnay under fire! Some of you know me as the Purple Barbarian, Champion of the Gallopilli Coliseum. I am fairly certain that most, if not all of you, know that the Emerald Seed failed to change me into a daemon-pony.” Whispers broke out across the assembled audience. Purple Heart cleared his throat in a means of regaining their attention. Once he had achieved silence again, he continued. “The reason behind my immunity to the effects of the Emerald Seed is fairly simple, if a little hard to believe: the Lord Bael you speak of and worship was derived from my being.” Chattering and cries of disbelief and surprise swept through the chamber. Groaning in exasperation, Purple Heart waited for several seconds for the outburst to die down.

It didn’t.

Feeling mildly put out at being ignored, Purple Heart stood on his hind legs, leaned his body to the right at a rough forty-five degree angle, and clapped his forelegs together lengthwise.

“SOOOOOOOOPEEEEER~!”

All conversations, subdued or otherwise, ceased abruptly as the daemon-ponies blinked and looked up at Purple Heart in confusion and surprise. Dropping down back to all four hooves, Purple Heart nodded. “Good. That ridiculous antic got your attention. Now, pay attention, you’re going to have to tell those who aren’t here what I say. Ignore the Taunt though. That was just to get your attention. Good thing it worked too, else-”

“Master,” Navee nudged Purple Heart.

“Hm?”

“You’re rambling.”

“Ah. Arigatou.”

“Pardon?”

“Thank you.”

“Oh. You’re welcome. Continue please.”

Purple Heart inclined his head to the daemon-pony fairy transformer. He turned back to gaze out at the audience. Inhaling, he spoke.

“As I am the Progenitor, the First of the Emerald Seed, I shall be taking control as Master of this organization,” Purple Heart declared. “Any objections?” Silence. The faces of the daemon-ponies were either acceptance of Purple Heart’s claim or interest.

Shiny,” the purple earth pony said. “Now, as long as I am Master of this organization, I expect the utmost effort and devotion from you. We have to work together to be a cohesive group of individuals working towards a common goal.”

“What is the goal of our organization?” one of the numerous daemon-ponies called out. Purple Heart considered the question before he answered it.

“Bael is a being of immense power and is not to be trifled with,” he said. “As he is out for my head, we can only defend ourselves against him and fight back. Our primary purpose as of now is to bring about the destruction of Bael and any of his affiliates or allies.” He paused, pondering what to say next. “I want all of you to know this: I will not abide treachery or betrayal. If you try to warn Bael of our goings on, there will be retribution and punishment. You are loyal to either Bael or me. Got it?” In mass harmony, the daemon-ponies nodded their understanding.

“What will we be called?” one of them piped up.

“The Emerald Legion,” Purple Heart said immediately. “You will be known for the mark of the Emerald Eye wreathed in flames of cobalt fire.”

“Hail Purple Heart! Master of the Emerald Legion!” Navee cried.

“Hail the Progenitor!”

“Hail Purple Heart!”

“Hail the Emerald Legion!”

As Purple Heart stepped down from the dais, a small Discord-like voice spoke in his ear, unnoticed by everypony else save the Purple Barbarian.

“Purple Heart has now unlocked the ‘Primarch’ Prestige Class.”

The newly minted Primarch of the Emerald Legion blinked before facehoofing.

“Oh noes.”

* * *

“Anything else you want to drop on me?” Purple Heart sighed, having spent the last quarter hour in the company of the Legion’s quartermaster, a slight pegasus with a dark bronze coat and wings.

“Take this, Sir,” the quartermaster offered, holding out a small leather bound book. “It will allow the transference of orders and reports between you and your captains.”

“Enchanted?” Purple Heart asked, taking the small journal.

“Yes,” the quartermaster confirmed. “One of the earlier candidates brought it with them before perishing upon being exposed to the Seed.” Purple Heart arched an eyebrow as he slid the journal into his pack.

“Ho?” he hummed. “How so? Is there specific criteria to surviving exposure?”

“Unicorns can’t handle the magic,” the bronze pegasus explained. “Only one kind of magic can inhabit a unicorn’s body and what usually happens is the two different magicks fight over the container. Every single unicorn candidate has died as a result of magical incompatibility.”

“Huh,” the Purple Barbarian grunted. “Interesting. That’s why you didn’t capture Tinker Tempest: he was a unicorn. So the candidate either accepts the magical change or dies.”

“Or in your case, you are immune to it,” the quartermaster pointed out.

“True,” Purple Heart agreed. “Welp, thank you. Keep up with the good work, quartermaster.”

“Thank you, Sir,” the bronze pegasus inclined his head to the Master of the Green Legion as the purple earth pony departed the cavern chamber.

“All ready to go?” Navee asked, falling in step beside Purple Heart.

“Eeyup,” he confirmed, trotting through the tunnels. “Let’s go. I’ve given out my first round of orders and arranged several intelligence gathering missions in the north eastern sector of Roania. Do you have anything to report?”

Navee nodded, fluttering behind Purple Heart as the newly made partners left through the Lower Gate. “A patrol came back shortly after your claiming of the title of Master. They said that strange activities have begun popping up around the town of Ade. Ponies are disappearing and animals are becoming sick with a disease that seems to possess their body before killing them.”

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow, coming to a stop to consider the pegasus’ words. “I’m guessing their sickness wasn’t caused by exposure to the Emerald Seed?” he inquired. Navee shook her head, stopping to hover beside the purple earth pony.

“The Emerald Seed doesn’t go out of its way to kill potential candidates,” the cyan pegasus explained. “In the case of ponies, only unicorns die from exposure. In the case of animals, they would just become obedient to the Master.”

“Aha,” Purple Heart grunted, resuming his walk through the tunnel. “So the Boar God knockoff I saw earlier wasn’t caused by the Seed. Interesting...” He fell silent as the duo exited the tunnel system and made their way through the forest towards the main beaten path. “Which way is the village of Mistakwe?” Purple Heart looked over at Navee, his eyes questioning.

“East,” the cyan pegasus replied, pointing to their left. “Why do we need to go to Mistakwe?”

“Before I was taken whilst asleep,” he glared briefly at Navee, who had the decency to blush shamefully, “I was on my way to Mistakwe for two reasons. One was to get this old thing appraised.” He stopped and reached into his pack to pull out a gauntlet. “I can’t wear it and I want to know why.”

“What happened when you try to put it on?” Navee asked curiously.

“It...rejected my hoof and shot through a tree or thirty,” the purple barbarian explained. At Navee’s unimpressed look, he sighed. “The trees were thirty paces away. It was a shockwave that sent them crashing down.” At that, the cyan pegasus’ eyes widened.

“Oh,” she mumbled. “Powerful.”

“Indeed,” Purple Heart commented. “Hopefully, an appraiser or blacksmith in Mistakwe will tell me what’s wrong with it.”

“And the other reason?” Navee prompted.

“I’m under orders from the new Queen of Gallopilli to find out why her couriers haven’t been returning from Mistakwe,” Purple Heart said. “I honestly have no idea why they aren’t responding. I just hope it isn’t too troublesome. Knowing my luck, Discord will make it highly aggravating to deal with, just for carp and giggles.” Navee snickered at the purple earth pony’s irritated tone.

“We’re actually pretty close to Mistakwe,” Navee mentioned. “Just about ten minutes of walking from the Lower Gate.”

“Shiny,” Purple Heart hummed. “I thought this would take longer. It’s great that we’ll be there so soon.”

Navee smirked.

“If you like,” she purred evilly, “we could take the long way.” The cyan pegasus tried to stifle her laughter upon seeing Purple Heart’s deadpan look when he turned his head to regard her.

“No thank you,” he said flatly, his voice dull. “We have much to do. Haste is required.”

“Keep your mane on then,” Navee retorted, still smirking. “We’ll get there in time.

When Purple Heart and Navee crested a hill some odd minutes later, the first thing they saw of the village of Mistakwe was a large earthen wall towering high above them. The two ponies blinked at the massive construct, slightly put off at its existence.

“Either they are under attack from some devilishly terrifying creature,” Purple Heart mused as they walked and flapped towards the wall, “or somepony is very paranoid.”

“Which would you prefer?” Navee asked.

“Devilishly terrifying creature of elephantine proportions,” the purple barbarian replied. “That’d be easier to deal with.”

“Wouldn’t one big one be more devastating?”

“I’m a member of the school of thought that believes in fighting one big enemy that you can see instead of a lot of small ones you can’t,” Purple Heart responded. “Sure, I’ll probably die from becoming 'Fine Paste a la Purple Heart', but at least I won’t be torn apart by a bunch of army ants.”

“Ah,” Navee grunted. “That makes sense.”

“I’m glad it does,” Purple Heart sighed, stopping at the edge of the moat surrounding the wall. The head of a pony peaked up from behind that wall’s crenelations, eyes wide with paranoia and fear.

“W-who goes there?!” a weak voice squeaked. “Friend or foe?!”

“What does being a foe entail?” Purple Heart called up.

“Are you one of them?”

The purple earth pony and cyan pegasus blinked in confusion.

“Them?” Navee echoed. “Who is them?”

“The r-r-rabbits!” the watchpony stuttered.

...What the duck? Is he serious?

“Um...” Navee humed. “No? We’re just travellers. We don’t know what you mean by rabbits. My friend here is looking for a blacksmith.”

“S-stay there!” the quivering watchpony ordered weakly before disappearing below the crenellations.

“What was that all about?” Navee wondered.

“The ton of devilishly terrifying enemies too small to keep track of,” Purple Heart grumbled. “I have an inkling of an idea why the rabbits aren’t too pleased with this city and it’s not because they got fed up with Rabbit Season.” Navee cocked her head to one side, frowning.

“I thought it was Duck Season,” she mused..

Purple Heart’s face went blank again as he stared at the cyan pegasus.

“Don’t you even start,” he said, voice once again flat.

Navee was saved from responding by the creaking of the wooden gate as it swung down to form a bridge across the moat. A score of wary ponies walked out onto the drawbridge, half of them casting panicked looks around the area as if waiting for something awful to happen. One of them, a stalwart, male pegasus with a mane tail the color of wheat, stepped closer to Navee and Purple Heart. Twin swords hung from his flank, ringing whenever it knocked against his steel rig. His coffee brown flank was stamped with a cutie mark of crossed broadswords upon a pair of wings.

“I am Air Win, captain of the Gallopilli Scout Force,” the pegasus greeted. “Who are you strangers who come to the village of Mistakwe?” Steel grey eyes narrowed at the ponies before him. Purple Heart swallowed, wetting his tongue before speaking.

“My name is Purple Heart and this is my companion, Navee,” he introduced himself. “I’m here for two reasons, the first being on orders from the new Queen of Gallopilli.” He paused as the ponies all stared at him. Good, he thought. That got their attention.

“What does the Queen wish of us?” the pegasus inquired.

“She wants to know why you haven’t responded to her messengers,” Purple Heart explained, pulled a missive from his pack to give to the captain. Lucky for him, he’d been the one carrying it when his two comrades ‘departed’ on their own little side side quests.

“That is easily answered,” Air Win said. “I have been requisitioning ponies to help construct the fortifications to protect the village of Mistakwe.”

“From rabbits?” Navee chimed. The coffee brown pegasus nodded.

“It started a month ago when the Long Hare Tribe returned to the forests surrounding Mistakwe,” Air Win explained. “They suddenly started attacking anypony outside the village as well as any travellers. Before long, more rabbit tribes had joined them and they all have kept us bottled up in the village, starving us out. Why? We don’t know. Anytime we’d see one, we would try to communicate. That didn’t last long.”

“Huh...” Purple Heart grunted, brow furrowed. He then muttered under his breath, “Sie sind das essen und wir sind die rabbits.”

“Pardon?” Air Win asked in confusion.

“Hm? Oh, nothing,” Purple Heart replied. “Just thinking. Is the return of the tribes an annual thing?”

Air Win shook his head. “The tribes return every decade. Something about this spot of forest keeps drawing them back.”

“Well, that makes sense,” Navee snorted. The two colts looked at her in confusion.

“What?” they said.

“Seriously?” she snorted. “Does anypony read history these days?” She rolled her eyes and groaned as the group of ponies shook their heads in the negative.

“Care to enlighten us please?” Purple Heart implored. Navee sighed, but nodded in acquiescence.

“Every decade,” the cyan pegasus began, “the Rabbit Tribes return here after spreading out across the continent, propagating, learning, doing whatever they do. They always come back here so that the Tribe Heads can convene the Bunnglen.”

“The Bunnglen?”

“It’s something like a debate between the Tribe Heads,” Navee explained. “They discuss what happened in the past decade to their Tribes since the last Bunnglen, they talk about knowledge learned, the size of their Tribes, and other stuff.” She looked at Air Win, her gaze hard. “They always assemble in a hidden glen. It’s sacred ground for them. So, logic dictates that-” Air Win blanched.

“-that somepony built on or defiled that sacred ground,” Purple Heart mused. “Huh. Makes sense.” He looked at Air Win. “How about this: I help stop the Hare Tribes from attacking Mistakwe and in return, you respond to the Queen’s questions and get me an appointment with your local blacksmith and magic aficionado. Deal?” Air Win didn’t even consider the terms. He had stopped listening after Purple Heart had said he’d stop the accursed leporidae. The coffee brown pegasus stepped forward and held out his hoof.

“Deal.”

“Shiny,” Purple Heart grinned, clopping his hoof against Air Win’s. “Tell me about the recent developments around Mistakwe.”

* * *

“Anything of import?” Purple Heart asked as Navee landed beside him on the ramparts of the wall surrounding Mistakwe. The cyan pegasus had been flying around above the forest looking for a somewhat secluded clearing with a stream bisecting it. That was where the Bunnglen always assembled. Or would have, had it not been either torched by the fires of industry or built upon.

“I saw five points of interest that have been ‘taken over’ by development or building from Mistakwe,” Navee said. “All of them have or had a creek bisecting them. Two clearings are now mills, one is a barracks, two more are farms, and the last is barren, presumably the place where the Scout Force does their drills.”

“Blast,” the purple earth pony cursed, stomping a hoof against the stones of the ramparts in frustration. “I guess the only way we’ll be able to find out which clearing is used for the Bunnglen is for us to go to the Hares directly.”

“That is what I feared,” Air Win sighed as he and two of his lieutenants flew up to hover beside the two companions. “I am not versed in diplomacy. Since I didn’t want to risk sending ponies away for fear of losing bodies for fortifying, I am resigned to waiting for the Queen to send an Ambassador with an honor guard.”

“Welp, we can’t wait,” Purple Heart retorted. “Assemble a small group of ponies you trust that won’t antagonize these Hares.”

One of Air Win’s lieutenants, a red pegasus with a flamboyant iron grey mane and tail, scoffed. “They’re rabbits. What can a pack of long ears do to us?”

Purple Heart’s glare made the brash lieutenant wince and draw in on himself.

“Hares,” Purple Heart stressed the word as if it were a title, “are not to be underestimated. They seem to be furious with you and your village for obvious reasons: you’ve trespassed on ground sacred to them. Be grateful they haven’t called upon a badger to lead them.”

The red lieutenant opened his mouth to snarl back but was cowed by Air Win’s added glare.

“Wren, return to the barracks,” the Scout Force Captain ordered, his tone hard and unyielding. Wren was seething inside, but obeyed his superior. The four ponies watched the hot-blooded pegasus fly back to the barracks. With a sigh, Air Win turned back to Purple Heart.

“This is all, I believe,” he said, a smile touching his lips. Nodding, Purple Heart descended from the ramparts, the three pegasi following him. The main gate to the village opened, allowing the quartet to depart before shutting heavily.

“Once more unto the breach,” Purple Heart muttered as they entered the forest. “So, how do we find where the Tribes are camping?”

“Luckily for us, Mistakwe didn’t expand far enough to encroach on the Long Ear Tribe’s territory,” Navee commented. “We should be encountering some of their runners soon.”

“Patrols?”

Navee nodded in confirmation.

“Are there any formal greetings the Hares use?” Air Win asked.

Navee shook her head. “The Hares are blunt about their dealings. They don’t stand on ceremony and frown at pomp and circumstance. That’s probably why Roania has never successfully made a treaty with them, apart from the one they signed when Roania was realized as a sovereign nation.”

“Let me guess,” Purple Heart wondered. “It allows the Hare Tribes to convene their Bunnglen every ten years in the same spot?”

“Got it in one,” Navee congratulated. “All the posturing and back room schemes the nobles of Roania love so much are downright rude in the eyes of the Hares.”

“Unwanted trespassing is rude too,” a gruff voice sneered from the underbrush. The four ponies came to a sudden halt, wary of their surroundings now.

“I think we’ve found one of their runners,” Purple Heart mused softly.

“No kidding,” Air Win hissed.

“We wish to meet your leader,” Navee declared, stepping forward. The brush rustled and a dozen hares stepped into the open. The tallest, a buck with a pelt colored burgundy red, came up to Purple Heart’s chest, sans ears. The four ponies assumed it was he who had first spoke.

“Why should we bring you into the presence of our Tribe Head?” the burgundy one asked in the same gruff voice.

Navee cast a swift look to the three stallions behind her, urging them to remain silent. She nodded when they backed off before returning to look at the buck. “We request an audience so that we may come to an agreement regarding the Bunnglen.”

The burgundy hare’s eyes narrowed, his nose twitching. Before he could respond, a spry grey hare hopped forward.

“So, ye want to meet the Top One, eh? Wot, wot?” the hare asked, its voice obviously male. “Well, follow along chaps! Don’t want to keep the Top waiting, wot, wot!” The grey hare turned to depart, but stopped when the burgundy leader snapped at him.

“Baz, I’m in command here!” he snarled. “The ponies aren’t welcome!”

“Too true, Fordsfoot, ol’ bean!” Baz replied cheerily. “But this sweet belle asked politely and with respect! I can count how many ponies we’ve come across like that with my right foot! Wot, wot!”

“Um, excuse me?” Navee intervened. “May we please see your Tribe Head? This conflict isn’t doing either party any favors.”

“Quite right you are, dear lass,” Baz agreed. “Follow along, ponies. To the Temporary Hovel we go!” The four ponies looked at each other silently before following a bounding Baz deeper into the forest. Fordsfoor and the rest of the Runners trailed behind, wary of any actions that might occur from the ponies.

* * *

“Sah Crumshaw!” Baz belted out upon entering a modest clearing full of aged, yet well build hares seated at a crescent table of hardwood, “Cap’n Baz of the Long Hare Tribe, reportin’ to you, sah with ponies interested in a parlay!” The seated hares all blinked at the entering captain and his escorted companions. One of the hares stood, pepper grey mustache twitching, as he straightened his navy jacket before lifting a monocle to his right eye.

“So I noticed, Cap’n Baz,” the elder hare drawled. “What do these ponies want?” He spat the word ‘ponies’ as if it was a derogatory term he relished using. While Navee stepped forward to speak to the aged hare, Purple Heart’s mind was whirling.

The only explanation for walking, talking, fighting hares, he mused to himself, is Discord’s magic. That has to be the reason. Yeesh. I’d hate to see what a badger lord would be like. Knowing our luck though, Discord just might oblige. His thoughts were interrupted when he heard his name being called.

“Huh?” he grunted eloquently. Navee sighed.

“Sah Crumshaw has just told us why he and the other Hare Tribes are sieging Mistakwe,” she told the purple earth pony.

“Ho?” Purple Heart hummed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Air Win’s face blanching, obviously from realization.

“From the Captain’s expression,” Purple Heart thought out loud, “the Bunnglen doesn’t take place in any of the surrounding clearings, does it?”

Sah Crumshaw shook his head, ears flopping from side to side. “Nay,” the elder hare responded. “It takes place where the settlement stands.”

“Mistakwe was built on the clearing where the Bunnglen is held,” Navee said.

Purple Heart sighed. “Bollocks,” he groaned. “This just got a whole lot more complicated.”

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

Chapter 61: Flee, Fear, Frythan, Foes

The sounds of hoof falls echoed through the ruins as Light Patch and Just Duty sprinted through its halls. The consistent rhythm interrupted only when the two colts were jumping over pressure plates or ducking under trip wires, thanks to the markings they’d left earlier. Occasionally, Light Patch would set a trap off using his Sonic Burst spell behind them. Unfortunately, it had become apparent to them that they had missed traps, having had to jump more than once over a sudden pit or duck under a hail of arrows. Eventually, the fatigue from the distance they had run and dodging traps they had triggered forced the two of them to slow down.

“Is it just me, or do you feel slightly embarrassed at how many traps we’d missed on our way in?” Light Patch asked between gasps.

“I won’t lie. I am a little bothered,” Just Duty wheezed. “I am also realizing I am not in nearly as good of a shape as I thought I was.”

“I think we’ve opened enough of a lead. Let's take a short break and then get moving again.” Light Patch said, sitting down. Just Duty nodded in agreement as he sat down and dug through his bag. After a few moments, he pulled the artifact out and eyed it.

“Considering how little time I had to shove it in my bag, I was afraid it would have bounced out,” Just Duty said, turning the artifact to look at it from all over. Before either of the stallions could start their abandoned argument back up, the sound of a quiet noise caught their attention.

“Did you hear that?” Light Patch said, standing up.

“Yes, I heard something as well,” Just Duty whispered, swiveling his ears to listen. The two listened in silence for a few minutes. “We should get moving again. It’s possible our lead was not worth as much as we thought.” Light Patch nodded, not wanting to give any more noise for their followers to hear them.

Already standing, he moved to take the lead, and passed Just Duty as he shoved the artifact into his mouth, not wanting to take the time to stow the artifact properly. The two of them moved as quickly and quietly as they could.

“I’d say we should leave it behind,” Light Patch whispered. “But considering that two fairly under-prepared adventurers like us have managed to get this far with it...” He let his statement trail off with a shrug.

“Which is exactly why I wanted to deal with this as soon as I could, and why I ended up moving by myself,” Just Duty said.

“Yeah, I can agree on tha-” A sharp click echoed through the hall. The two dropped to the ground just as the storm of bolts filled the area they’d been standing. Luckily, the traps mechanisms had deteriorated. Most of the bolts were slower than normal. Several were missing their head and blew to dust upon impact with anything. The remaining effective ones were too few to be matter.

The two got off the ground after a few seconds of silence. Light Patch dusted himself off as he checked for wounds. “How you doin’ Just? Need some heals before we get moving again?” Light Patch asked, pulling a couple of bolt shafts out of his armor.

“I am unharmed, aside from a few bruises,” Just Duty replied, having pulled the artifact from his mouth. “My armor protected me fro-” He fell silent mid-word. Light Patch readied his hammer, worried that the artifact’s guardians had caught up with them.

“We shall not go down without a...fight?” Light Patch’s war cry ended lamely as he twisted to face an empty hallway. Turning again he checked to make sure Just Duty hadn’t been secreted away by trap or pursuer. “What's wrong?” he finally asked after trotting up to Just Duty and trying to look at what he was staring at.

“The artifact.” Just Duty began slowly. “It- it was… It has been... damaged,” He finished. Light Patch blinked in surprise before craning his neck around to check. On the side of the artifact was a deep gouge, probably cut from one of the traps bolts.

“If that trap could damage the artifact, we should easily be able to break it,” Light Patch said.

“No, we still need to be careful. The magic released when it’s broken could be terribly destructive,” Just Duty retorted. He frowned at the snort from Light Patch.

“If it was gonna explode with magic, don’t you think it’d be acting up? Or showing some kind of reaction to the damage? It's probably drained of magic or something; maybe even totally dead.”

I hate to admit it, but he could be right. Just Duty frowned. “It could be, but it could be recharged. Or perhaps it’s just not reacting because it isn’t totally destroyed, or simply not activated at the moment.”

“Well then, let's rig one of the pounding traps to crush it some time after we’ve run for the hills,” Light Patch said, pointing at a plate they’d marked further down the hall.

“No! We- we only know of rumors of its powers. It could just be a freezing spell,” Just Duty replied hurriedly.

“And it could be something worse. Or exactly what the rumors said it was,” Light Patch snapped back.

“Even if it was, imagine how useful it’d be if the phrase ‘Halt in the name of the law’ actually worked,” Just Duty said. Knowing he was grasping at straws, he put the artifact in his pack and slowly reached for his hammer.

“And what if the law they were to halt in the name of was unjust? Or not even the law?” Light Patch shouted back. “Why are you so insistent on keeping this artifact intact?”

“Because with this, I could force ponies to choose right!” Just Duty shouted back. “I could remove the choice that ponies should never have been allowed!” he shouted, swinging at Light Patch’s head. The pegasus jerked back, avoiding the blow and quickly readied his own hammer.

“Can you claim to fight for good if you deny others the choice to make it themselves?” he retorted, swinging his own hammer. Just Duty batted the swing away with his hammer as he moved to strike again. He reared back, bringing his hammer crashing down, slamming into the floor, cracking the tiles and shooting lightning bolts from its enchantment.

“Being good isn’t something ponies should have to chose between it or evil; it should just be done! And with this artifact, it will be. I’ll make sure they only chose good!” Just Duty said, sweeping low for Light Patch’s legs, prompting him to jump up and hover near the ceiling of the corridor.

“So you’ll be making the choices of what is right and wrong?” Light Patch asked, dodging around Just Duty’s attacks. “How long until the power makes you arbitrary? How long until wanting free will becomes wrong, or acting against you?” Light Patch swooped down at Just Duty, swinging his hammer. Just Duty sidestepped the blow and swatted at Light Patch, only to miss as the pegasus used the momentum of his attack and dove out of the way.

Light Patch alighted on the ground and quickly turned to face Just Duty, just in time to be hit in the side with Just Duty’s hammer. He cried out in pain as he hit the wall and slumped to the floor. Just Duty moved up, raising his hammer to finish the pegasus off, but was struck by magic. He reeled back, shaking his head in an effort to clear his confusion. Taking advantage of the distraction his spell created, Light Patch tapped himself on the chest, healing himself and hopped up, swinging his war hammer into Just Duty’s side. The older stallion stumbled backwards, tripped sprawled on the floor.

He recovered swiftly and faced the pegasus. However, the clasp on his pack holding the artifact had come undone during the fight. The momentum of him springing to his hooves and turning to face and swing at Light Patch launched the artifact from the bag. Neither noticed as they both focused on their attacks, until the arc of the crystal and gold egg brought it between their hammers as they struck one another.

There was the of sound of ice cracking, followed by the duller thud of the hammer heads colliding. The feeling of the impact rolled down the handle. The next thing the two ponies knew was the world exploding in blue flame and a deafening roar as they felt themselves thrown from where they stood.

Through the ringing in his ears, Light Patch was just able to make out the sound of armor impacting the wall as a flash of pain tore through his body. He fell to the ground and struggled to stand up, his vision blurred and spun like a whirlpool. He tried to use his healing magic, but the only result was a whisper of Discord’s voice saying his mana was too low. Lacking his magic, he simply laid on the ground, taking deep breaths and waiting until his vision stopped spinning horribly and the ringing in his ears subsided.

Still focusing on his breathing, he shakily stood up, leaning against a wall he tried to take a couple of steps forward. He intended to check on Just Duty and make sure he was okay; then maybe kick him. He noticed one of the tiles at an odd angle and feeling a bit loose. His vision dropped down just as the tile dropped away into the crater blasted through the hole in the floor. The sound of metal scraping on the stone came from the other side of the crater. Squinting to focus, Light Patch was able to make out the stirring prone figure of Just Duty.
He glanced down at the pit. He couldn’t make out any specifics. But from what detail and color he could see, either they were at the bottom of the ruins, or the caverns came up towards them. Feeling a little more steady now, he looked back up towards the other side of the hole.

Light Patch pushed away from the wall and backed up a little bit, intending to jump and glide over. He lifted his wings to use them for some extra jump height, however the pain that flowed through his right wing brought him to the floor again, as a scream of pain came from his mouth.

Just Duty started awake as he heard Light Patch scream. He lay still, mentally noting the pains and aches of his body, and lightly moving as he checked for damage. With a mental satisfaction, he noted that, while he was going to be sore and bruised, nothing seemed broken. He slowly and carefully stood up, facing the moaning pegasus. He looked at the battered pegasus, a twinge of pity flowing through his mind as he noted the obviously broken wing and deep rends in the armor. He easily spotted the handle of the pegasus's warhammer and the fragments of its head. He gathered his own, and noted with satisfaction that it appeared undamaged; the magic of his likely protected it from the battering of the artifact’s explosion. Another moan echoed through the hallway, and Just Duty looked at the pegasus; and again he felt pity for the weaker creature before him.

“I see,” he said slowly, catching Light Patch’s attention. “Now that you haven’t learned to take your hits very well” He locked eyes with Light Patch. “I also see now that, at best, you are a coward who is unable to do what is needed to rid the world of evil.” He paused, pointing an accusing hoof at the still prone pegasus. “Or at worst, you have something you still wish to hide.” Light Patch’s pupils shrank in fear at how close Just Duty’s comments had struck home. His wing still damaged, he could only watch as the paladin slowly made his way out of sight.

Light Patch stayed prone for a bit, letting the ache of his wing die to a dull throb before he moved to stand up. He limped over to the remains of his warhammer. If it’s even fair to call it that, he thought, looking at the small bit of iron still clinging to his brand new ten hoof pole. He sighed and gathered the fragments he could find, while his mind worked to ignore the pain of his wounds as he tried to figure out what to do next. He’d gathered most of the large pieces when he was able to make out a sound down the hall. He jerked around to face the threat, not able to retreat with his damaged wing.

The sound grew louder, allowing Light Patch to make out more than two pairs of legs making noise. He tensed as the creatures neared the turn into the corridor he’d found himself in. He wanted to jump into the pit, but without being able to see a bottom and lacking the ability to use his wings, it would be more likely to just lead to a much slower and painful death. The noises stopped just before the corner. He could hear the creatures milling around for a few moments before a group of them moved.
An Arachcolsid rushed around the corner before suddenly stopping. The two stared at each other in stunned silence. “Are you Light Patch?” the Arachcolsid asked, recovering first. “Thirster of Water Elementals?”

“I can’t say I’ve ever been called the thirster of water elementals, but I am Light Patch,” he said. His strength gave out and he collapsed. “I am also in need of some assistance.”

The Arachcolsid chittered in laughter for a moment, then turned to its companions and speaking to them in, what Light Patch assumed was, the Arachcolsid language. After a few seconds, four more of them came around; two of them crawling along the walls and the ceiling to check out the far side of the corridor. Light Patch watched with fascination as another two used their silk to weave some splints together for his wing, and a hammock for them to carry him with. The fifth continued to stay close to Light Patch, checking for further wounds and talking to him as Light Patch filled him in on why he was in the ruins.

“It appears we were here for similar reasons. The queen had sent us to investigate rumors about these ruins. She was also thinking of using this as an outpost, or possibly a trade post, considering its closeness to the surface,” the Arachcolsid said, putting the wing in the splint, ignoring the small sounds of pain from the pegasus. “With luck, though, we should be able to get you some better medical help soon. The hole made by the artifact should lead down to the cavern system we used to get here.”

“Awesome, but how are you gonna get me down?” Light Patch asked, glancing over the edge into the hole.

“The plan is to set you in the hammock, secure you to it, attach it to two or three of us, and then we walk down the roof and walls of the cavern,” the Arachcolsid replied simply. Light Patch squinted at the spider before looking back at the hole, then once again at the Arachcolsid guard.

“I suppose now would be a bad time to bring up my fear of heights, huh?”

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 62: ‘Aggressive’ Negotiations

Purple Heart was standing before the assembled Heads of the Hare Tribes. Air Win, his subordinate, and Navee stood off to one side, under armed guard by Cap’n Baz, Fordsfoot and the rest of the Runners. The purple earth pony was thinking, trying to come up with a way to solve this problem peacefully. He didn’t think his chances of surviving against Fighting Hares were very good. Twilight hadn’t believed him when he’d said these hares were dangerous, but Purple Heart knew. He couldn’t win against them. Not without severe injury to himself and Navee. Or completely obliterating the surrounding countryside, something he was not too enthusiastic to attempt.

So that left diplomacy. He was wracking his brain to think of a peaceful solution.

Looking to Air Win, Purple Heart cleared his throat to get the Scout Captain’s attention.

“Do you have the authority to speak for the denizens and officials of Mistakwe?” the Purple Barbarian asked. The pegasus hesitated for a brief second before nodding in the affirmative.

“In a militaristic situation, I have overall command,” Air Win said. “In other cases, I have co-leadership status or am simply an advisor.” Purple Heart smirked.

“You’re in a militaristic situation right now,” he pointed out. “Your word goes as far as I’m concerned.”

Air Win frowned, obviously uncomfortable with how vague his claim to overall command was.

“I don’t think-” he was interrupted by Purple Heart’s raised hoof.

“With all due respect, shut up,” the purple earth pony ordered. He ignored Air Win’s spluttering as he spoke his reasons. “If we decide to give this off to a bureaucratic ponce, this conflict will only intensify. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think these fine hares are too enthused with the idea of throwing young bucks to their deaths just because you won’t negotiate here and now when the problem can be solved. Am I correct?” He turned to the seated hares as the question was posed to them. They all nodded vehemently, some even verbalizing their agreement.

“Roight,” Purple Heart nodded, looking back to Air Win. The Scout Captain looked mildly chastised. “I’ll ask again: in this situation, do you have the authority to speak for the town of Mistakwe?” The change was instant. Air Win puffed up his chest and stood straight, looking every inch the captain he was.

“Yes, sir!” he barked. Another smirk curved Purple Heart’s lips. He turned to Crumshaw, his plan ready to present.

“Sah Crumshaw,” the purple earth pony said. “I believe I have a solution to this problem that will satisfy both parties.” The aged hare smoothed out a rumple in his coat before fixing Purple Heart with an intense monocled look.

“Explain,” he commanded gruffly. Purple Heart inclined his head to the hare and walked slowly around the perimeter of the open space within the seated hares and their crescent shaped table.

“The Hare Clans have convened the Bunnglen on the location Mistakwe is now sitting for how many generations?” He looked at the hares as he strode along, waiting for their answer.

“Nine generations,” one of them said, from Purple Heart’s left. Nodding, Purple Heart continued his circuit around the open area.

“It’s tradition then to hold the Bunnglen where Mistakwe now stands,” the Purple Barbarian muttered, almost to himself. The hares nodded in agreement. “And yet, the town of Mistakwe has been a settlement for almost ten years. To me, it seems that both have a claim to that spot of land.” The hares rocketed up, crying in indignation. Weapons were drawn by Air Win and his subordinate, ready to repel any attack made by the hares. Purple Heart rubbed his temple with a hoof, sighing as he let the two parties vent their frustrations. When the shouting and accusing finally became too painful to listen to any longer, Purple Heart resorted to getting their attention.

The embarrassing way.

“SOOOOOOOOPEEER~!”

All sound ceased as the hares and Scout ponies blinked at the posing purple earth pony, all hostilities and disagreements forgotten. Navee shook her head. She couldn’t exactly figure out why her leader hadn’t already destroyed either party out of sheer irritation. Was there something staying his hoof that prevented their destruction?

“You know,” Purple Heart hummed. “I could just destroy both of you and wipe my hooves of this problem.” More indignant shouts, some of disbelief. “But I can’t.” Stunned silence. “You see, I’ve kinda got to find a peaceful solution to this. My idea should work for that. I’d rather not get an angry message from the Queen, or, Discord forbid, her majesty herself reading me the riot act.”

Ah. So there was.

“My two compatriots, them I could convince of my reasons. The mares with their moral compass...probably not. And definitely not Queen Amber Glitter. So, here we are. Listen to my plan at least. If you don’t like it, fine. I’ll tell Amber, with a guilty conscious and blood oozing from my many wounds, that Mistakwe was a smouldering ruin when I arrived.”

Crumshaw and Air Win were silent as they mulled over their thoughts as the other Hare Clan Heads and Air Win’s second looked to their spokesbeing, awaiting their decision.

Crumshaw was weighing the pros and cons of attacking this purple earth pony. Conceivably, his hares and those under the other Clan Heads would be able to take the one earth pony down. However, he was here on order from Roania’s monarch. Killing a pony directly under the Queen would incite more conflict, something that Crumshaw wasn’t willing to risk. The Bunnglen may be traditionally held on Mistakwe’s land, but it wasn’t worth the future generations of the Hare Clans.

Air Win had no difficulty weighing the pros or cons of facing Purple Heart in combat. There were no positives aspects to engaging the Purple Barbarian at all. Two couriers before Purple Heart had arrived in Mistakwe, Air Win had gotten word of a rising star in Gallopilli’s Coliseum by the name of Purple Heart who had yet to lose a match and was adept at demolishing his adversaries. Air Win was certain that these two ponies were the same. The total time it would take Purple Heart to wipe out him and his battalion garrisoned in Mistakwe… The Scout Captain didn’t even want to imagine the structural and collateral damage Purple Heart could dish out.

Crumshaw came to a decision and glanced at Air Win meaningfully before he addressed Purple Heart.

“What do you have in mind?” he asked gruffly. A smile appeared on the purple earth pony’s face.

Perfect, he thought. The bluff worked. Yays for me. No pain today. I hope...

“My solution is simple,” Purple Heart announced. “Air Win clears out a spot of land near the center of Mistakwe and gives it to the Tribes. The Hares Tribes now have their land to convene the Bunnglen and Mistakwe isn’t uprooted and demolished.” The two parties considered Purple Heart’s suggestion.

“Are you sure this plan of yours will work?” Air Win inquired. Purple Heart shrugged.

“Only if you heed my second piece of advice.”

“And what might that be?” Crumshaw asked.

Purple Heart pointed a hoof at Air Win. “He dictates that the land he’s given to you is now under control of the Hare Tribes’ Embassy,” the Purple Barbarian explained. Navee arched an eyebrow at her commander.

“What does that entail?” she asked. Purple Heart sighed.

“Where I’m from, a foreign embassy on the land of another nation is considered the foreign nation’s land, thus, nopony from the housing nation has any say of what occurs on that select piece of land,” he said.

“Your country may do that, but we don’t know if theirs do,” Crumshaw snarled, jabbing a paw at Air Win and his subordinate. “How can we trust your advice will forestall further bloodshed?”

“Write up a treaty,” Purple Heart waved a hoof. “I’ll give it my stamp of approval and send it to the Queen. Roania needs allies. This could be the groundwork for a potentially fruitful alliance for both parties.”

The two leaders looked at each other, measuring their counterpart for weakness or potential deceit.

“It wouldn’t hurt to try,” Purple Heart hissed in a stage whisper. “Who knows? One party might have something the other needs, or vice versa. Food for thought.”

Purple Heart stepped away to stand beside Navee. Now, all they had to do was wait for Crumshaw and Air Win to make their respective decisions.

“Nicely said,” Navee complimented softly, whispering to Purple Heart. “Did you make that up on the go?”

“What? The suggestion or embassy land?” he asked, his lips barely moving.

“Both.”

“Aha. In that case, sort of.”

“...Explain.”

“Roight. I had started planning the offer of shared land about the time you told me that Mistakwe had most likely expanded onto Hare territory. Once I heard that Mistakwe was built on their traditional meeting grounds, I finalized it, presented it, and backed it. Elementary, my dear Navee.”

“And the embassy?” she prompted.

“Real thing,” Purple Heart said. “Where I come from, there are nigh dozens of countries and nations, almost too many to remember and name. Unless of course, you’re a Yack. Oh, Warner should know about that potentially lucrative venture I told you about earlier. Send a missive, would you please?” Navee blinked. Was he rambling again?

“Pardon?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Purple Heart mumbled, eyes fixed on Air Win and Crumshaw. “I think they’re wrapping up.” Navee frowned, turning to see both Crumshaw and Air Win looking at Purple Heart as if waiting for him to approach. As the purple earth pony moved from the sidelines, she pondered the possibility that her commander might be a touch crazy…

“You’ve reached your decision?” Purple Heart inquired to Air Win and Crumshaw. The two leaders nodded before Crumshaw spoke.

“We will draw up a treaty that allows the Hare Tribes to convene the Bunnglen every five years on a piece of 50 by 50 yard land given to the Hare Tribes by the Queendom of Roania,” the aged hare declared.

“This plot of land will be under the rule of the Hare Tribes only, an embassy which the Hare Tribes may utilize for diplomatic talks and such,” Air Win continued. “We will require your mark before sending the completed document to Her Majesty the Queen of Roania.”

A grin of relief and delight broke out across Purple Heart’s features. Navee knew where the relief stemmed from. He wouldn’t have to lie to the Queen.

“Let’s get started then,” Purple Heart crowed.

* * *

“And boop,” Purple Heart said gleefully, pressing his mark—an eye wreathed in a ring of fire—into the melted wax at the bottom of the parchment beside his chicken scratch of a signature. “That should be good enough for Queen Amber Glitter. Now you just have to send it.”
Air Win and Crumshaw nodded in agreement, the two leaders standing on the other side of the table in Mistakwe’s town hall.

“I’ll take you to the blacksmith,” Air Win offered. “It’s the least I can do to thank you for helping us prevent more bloodshed.”

“Happy to be of service,” Purple Heart inclined his head before doing the same to Crumshaw. “Let’s go, Navee. We’ve got an appointment with a blacksmith.”

The three ponies departed the Town Hall, leaving the mayor and Crumshaw to hammer out the details of sending the treaty to Gallopilli. The townsponies’ initial response to Purple Heart’s proposal was less than ideal for Crumshaw and the Hares. However, Air Win had put his hoof down, saying that he had the authority to enact such a plan as well as the Queen’s approval, by way of representative. Public outcry had subsided, but there was still indignation and a vague sense of hostility between the two species.

“I take it that once you meet with the blacksmith, you’ll leave Mistakwe?” Air Win queried as he led them into the merchant square.

“Nope,” Purple Heart said. “I need to wait for two of my friends to arrive before we plan our next course of action.”

“Aha,” Air Win hummed. “If you like, I can give their descriptions and names to the guards so that when they arrive, they can be led to you.”

“A wise suggestion,” Purple Heart agreed immediately. “I wouldn’t put it past them to get lost, even if they aren’t marimo green.” Air Win blinked before shaking his head.

“What do they look like?” he asked. Purple Heart described Wits End and Light Patch to the Scout Force captain. By the time he’d finished, they were standing in front of a sheltered area covering a forge.

“I’ll leave you here to talk to Iron Piece while I brief the guards,” Air Win said. “Good luck with your gauntlet and thank you again.”

“You’re welcome,” Purple Heart replied, inclining his head to the pegasus. Air Win took off towards the barracks, leaving Purple Heart and Navee alone before the blacksmith’s hut.

Navee looked up at her commander quizzically when he didn’t move to announce himself and enter the forge. Rolling her eyes, she trotted into the covered area, ignoring Purple Heart’s hiss to stop. She moved deeper into the forge, looking left and right for the resident blacksmith. The cyan pegasus paused for a moment, letting Purple Heart catch up. As soon as he had joined her, a coal black unicorn mare with bright blue eyes, a hammer and tongs cutie mark, and a stark white mane and tail appeared from behind a shelf of tools. The unicorn’s eyes widened upon noticing the unexpected strangers before narrowing slightly.

“Huh,” the unicorn said, her voice light, yet rough, probably from accidental smoke inhalation that came with the job of working around a forge. “I didn’t hear you knock.”

“We didn’t,” Purple Heart growled, glaring at Navee, who promptly ignored his look. “She just came in.”

“Aha,” the unicorn muttered, frowning. “I’m guessing you want something made, yes?”

“Not made,” Purple Heart denied. “Appraised. My name is Purple Heart and this is Navee. May I ask your name?”

The unicorn straightened. “I am Iron Piece, blacksmith of Mistakwe. What do you need appraised?” Purple Heart stepped towards a table cluttered with tools and rogue pieces of metal. He pulled the gauntlet from his pack and laid it on the table with a soft clunk of metal on wood.

“This,” the purple earth pony stated, “was given to me by Boomer, once a Lord of Gallopilli and brother of Lady Vale Blossom and the now ex-King Bastion.” Iron’s eyes widened again.

“An heirloom perhaps?” she mused, walking over to the piece of armor. Her magic spread to cradle it, bringing it closer to her face so she could peer at it. Her tail flicked and an eyeglass darted from a desk over in the corner to rest before her eye.

“Why aren’t you wearing it?” the blacksmith mare asked. Purple Heart shuffled his hooves and grumbled under his breath. Iron Piece looked up from the gauntlet, squinting at Purple Heart. Her left eye was magnified to almost comical proportions thanks to the eyeglass sitting there.

“Excuse me?” she said. “What was that?”

“I can’t wear it,” Purple Heart mumbled. “It’s like it rejects me or something.”

“Well, that isn’t exactly far from the truth,” Iron Piece mused, turning back to the gauntlet. “This gauntlet can only be worn by a member of the Gallopilli’s Royal Family.” She returned the piece of armor to the table and removed the eyeglass. She turned to see a blank faced Purple Heart and a concerned Navee.

“So I got trolled by an old fart?” Purple Heart ground out. “Great. Just… great.”

Iron Piece shrugged. “I don’t know. This is probably older than Boomer and Bastion combined. There are several enchantments woven directly into the metal. Some maintain the metal so that it lasts longer. A few increase the physical force of any attacks. There’s even one that allows the gauntlet to be charged by an magic stone to give its attacks the properties of said stone. But, it looks like only a member of the Gallopilli Royal Family can use it without serious repurcussions. I’d say Boomer stole it before fleeing Gallopilli, not knowing its value aside from being a scrap of armor from the Royal Vault.”

“You know a great deal for being a simple, humble blacksmith in a backwater town,” Navee commented, narrowing her eyes at the unicorn. Iron Piece glared right back at the cyan pegasus.

“Well, a banished Metal Weaver has to make a living somewhere, huh?” the black unicorn snapped back. Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at Iron’s vehemence.

“I take it you aren’t particularly fond of Bastion, eh?” he wondered out loud. Iron Piece stiffened, but nodded in affirmation.

“He banished me after a selection of my enchanted weaponry was stolen,” she explained. “I was a journeypony Metal Weaver working out of a shop in the Market District of Gallopilli. My work was hailed as the best in the city. So obviously, some thief decided to steal my hard-made crafts.”

“Welp, I know where they ended up,” Purple Heart said. “A bandit chief got them from Boomer. Some comrades and I defeated the chief and Boomer a while back.” Iron Piece blinked in surprise before inclining her head.

“I am grateful,” she said humbly. “Perhaps I can strip the enchantment causing the gauntlet to reject you in compensation?” The purple earth pony nodded.

“That will suffice,” Purple Heart said. “How long will it take?”

“A day,” Iron Piece said promptly. “More if you wish to add anything.” The Purple Barbarian shook his head.

“Nope, just strip the rejecting enchantment and make sure none of the others have decayed,” he said.

“Very well,” the unicorn said. “Now out. I’ll have it ready tomorrow afternoon.”

As Navee and Purple Heart walked out of the forge, Purple Heart smiled.

“That went well,” he mused. “Now to relax and wait for Wits and Light to arrive.”

“I wouldn’t get too comfortable,” Navee commented. “You need to look at any requests from the Legion.”

Purple Heart groaned. “Ugh, fine. Let’s find a room at a tavern first though.”

“Very well, sir,” Navee inclined her head.

“Hopefully, Wits and Light haven’t gotten into too much trouble,” Purple Heart wondered as they walked down the dirt road. “Knowing us though, I wouldn’t be too surprised if they got into trouble as soon as we parted ways...”

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

Chapter 63: Center of the Imperial Web of the Under Race of the Aracholsid Aka the 'Cavern Wide Web'

The moment Light Patch touched the cavern’s floor, he rolled over and kissed the ground, only to immediately regret it. He tried to get the dirt taste out of his mouth and ignored the chittering laughter of the Arachcolsid around him. “I’m never flying again,” he muttered, still hugging the ground. “Discord was wrong, I shoulda never had wings. I was never meant to fly,” he finished as the Arachcolsid leader moved up, not even trying to hide the humor on its face.

“We’ve put together a travois to help us move you. So if you’re done hugging the ground?” He trailed off questioningly. Light Patch sighed and gave a quick nod, causing the two other nearby Aracholsid to move in and begin. One carefully removed the bandages dirtied by wounds that had opened during the descent while the other quickly spun new ones using its silk. After the last knot was done, the two carefully lifted the wounded pegasus onto the travois.

Barely minutes after they’d reached the cavern floor, they’d set off again. I have to give it to them, they are fairly industrious, Light Patch thought to himself. He looked to his left as the leader strode up next to him. “Rank hath its own privileges, right?”

“That it does. Among other things. It also means getting to not be the one having to drag the heavy chicken.” The leader chittered at its own joke and the look of annoyance on Light Patch’s face.

“I’m not a chicken, I just play one on tv,” Light Patch replied hotly. “I’m kind of surprised though that you don’t have some type of giant spider with you guys to help move stuff. I’m sure there’s gotta be some kind of giant cave spider you could find in here.” To his astonishment however, the leader shuddered in revulsion. He gave the leader a questioning stare..

“I hate spiders. They freak me out,” he replied, looking at the pegasus again. It sighed at the still questioning look from Light Patch.
“Wouldn’t you be freaked out some by a non-thinking parody of oneself?” Light Patch opened his mouth to respond, but stopped to think.

“Touché,” Light Patch eventually replied. “So, where are you taking me anyway? Surely we can’t be close to… Uh, to...” It suddenly occurred to Light Patch that he hadn’t ever heard the name of the Arachcolsid’s capital town, or the name for their queen or even the ones helping him at the moment. “The capital city I never learned the name of ruled by the queen whose name escapes me which is the leader of the group who I’ve not been properly introduced to.” He was again treated to more chittering laughter.

“The capital city’s name in my species’ language is—as usual for you adventures I’m sure—long and nearly, if not outright, unpronounceable for you. It could be translated as ‘Center of the Imperial Web of the Under Race of the Aracholsid’, but most simply call it ‘Web’ for short. Our queen’s name is equally long and unpronounceable and long-winded, even when translated. So, it is commonly shortened to ‘Silk trap’

“And you may call me Orb. To answer your first question, we are heading to a small outpost the queen ordered set up. Mostly for trade routes, but also as a base for exploration missions, such as ours.” Orb seemed pleased at the success of trade.

“Outposts huh? Sounds like you guys are expanding,” Light Patch said.

“We are. Your actions caused the queen to rethink some of her decisions, our decisions. We thought that we had to close ourselves off and avoid you surface lot. But maybe you aren’t so bad. Ugly, sure.” Orb ignored the indignation of Light Patch. “But you seem like a fairly good lot. In fact, you’ll see when we get to the outpost that Silk Trap has been reaching out to other races of the caverns and even the deep caverns.”

Dear Celestia: today I learned how to build a nation, Light Patch jokingly thought.

“Also, Silk Trap has been wondering about you. Any information which can be brought back about you is handsomely rewarded, you know. When Perfect Profit returned, the queen spent awhile talking to her. Several of her questions were about you. That gigantic bluff left a positive impression with her. After all, it’s not everyday that somearach has the audacity to so boldly lie to the queen like that.”

“Oh.” Light Patch sheepishly looked away. “She figured that out then, huh?”

“She probably suspected from the beginning. Our scouts on the surface and the other traders who have come down provided the rest of the information,” Orb casually replied. “You’re taking the fact that the queen is potentially romantically interested in you fairly well.”

“Well, it’s not exactly new news to me. I’d heard a rumor about it after we’d left the caverns. And well, she seems nice enough, and I guess she was kind of cute, in a spidery kind of way.” The travois shook along with Light Patch as the Aracholsid dragging it tripped over his own legs in surprise. The entire group turned to look at the shaken pegasus in surprise.

Orb inched a little closer and helped Light Patch right himself on the travois. He the pegasus for a few moments. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Mostly. I mean she was a little cute, but I doubt it’d work out between us. There are a few big things that would make it difficult,” he said nervously. After a few moments of silence, Orb laughed.

“You are a strange pegasus! Good, but very strange,” Orb eventually managed to say. Light Patch scowled at the the Aracholsid’s chittering laughter.

“I know, I know, I have issues. At least I keep things interesting with my crazy, right?”

“True enough,” Orb replied. “In any case, since we happen to have you with us, we might as well look to making ourselves a little richer, hm?” Orb asked, prompting Light Patch filled the Aracholsid’s in on what he and his friends had gotten into, while also getting information on what they’d been up to as well.

* * *

“Then I go and open my big mouth. The voice causes a torrent of water to drench me. But only got some of the surface slime, which left me wet, chafing under my armor, and angry,” Light Patch finished the story as a small walled compound materialized out of the darkness. “Is that the outpost you were talking about?” Orb looked up at the buildings and nodded.

“Yep, that's the outpost. An old castle built when Roania attempted to extend its influence to the caverns. They named the area ‘Treacher’s Field’. Never learned why, though,” Orb added thoughtfully. “In any case, I need to report our return. You two see him to the... healers’ area. I’ll be there as soon as I’m done.” Light Patch looked at Orb when he noticed the pause in the Aracholsid’s speech.

“Why did you hesitate?” Light Patch asked. “You were going to say something else, weren’t you? Hey, get back here and tell me!” he shouted at the departing Aracholsid leader. He turned to look at the one helping him. “Why did he pause? What isn’t he telling me? Tell me what you know!” the pegasus shouted, not happy about the looks of amusement he could make out on the Aracholsid—and various other creatures he was passing. After a few more tries, he fell silent. He knew he wasn’t going to get an answer. He brooded silently as he was taken through a door into a darker strange smelling room.

“What ‘ave you got ‘ere?” a gravelly voice spoke from the other side of the room. The two Aracholsid chittered back in response. “Oh? Injured in an artifact explosion? And a pony to boot.” The gravely voice figure chuckled. Light Patch felt the room shake at its footsteps. “I bet I could make a few improvements,” it said as it lumbered into view. It was a short, stocky bipedal boar-like creature, covered in ramshackle armor etched with strange glyphs, and a large leather apron covered in various stains. Light Patch looked at the creature for a few moments before several various facts clicked together in his head. His eyes bulged out in realization..

“No. Nope. All the no. I’m good. I don’t need healing,” the pegasus said, trying to get away from the unfortunately accurate representation of this universe's version of an Ork Mad Dok. “No operation will be needed, I assure you. I’m fine, perfectly fi-” He stood up and began to walk away before collapsing in a heap.

“I won’t lie,” it said, laughing as it grabbed the struggling Light Patch and dropped him on a table in the room. “This is gonna be painful, but it’ll go away quickly... probably. Then you’ll be all better, Ah’ promise.” It sorted through the stuff on other tables and bottles whose contents were too murky to make out.

Perhaps mercifully, Light Patch added mentally. It found a pair of grubby gloves and pulled them on. “Now for the anesthesia,” it mumbled, pulling out a large syringe. Light Patch’s eyes widened even further when he saw the implement. The pegasus tried to get off the table, only for some of his gear to prevent his escape.

“I’m good! Feeling just fine, really. I can just wait for my own mana to regenerate, or just pay for a health potio-” He turned just in time to see the Dok’s fist launch forward, hitting him and knocking him unconscious.

“Works every time.” The dok chuckled, pulling the glove off and looking at the word ‘anesthesia’ stitched into the palm of them. “Best thing I evah traded for. Reduces the amount of ‘ead work by uptah a half,” he said, carefully setting them to the side. He still couldn’t shake the feeling that he was missing something. With a shrug, the nagging feeling was discarded as he got to work.

* * *

The dull throbbing in his head was the first sign he was still alive. The second was the pounding sound of his heart in his ears. He shifted in the bed, causing more pain and making him quietly groan. “And if I’m any judge of me own work, he should be waking up soonish.” Light Patch felt more than heard the dok walk up. “In fact, look at dat. Dere he is now,” the dok said

“How are you doing?” the pegasus heard Orb ask. He opened his eyes and look at the Aracholsid.

“My head is pounding. The rest of me is in general agony and…” He paused for a few moments. He moved a hoof over his heart. “I think my heart is bigger too.”

“Oh good, I was afraid you wouldn’t notice dat. Now, where was it...” The dok went back to sifting through the cupboard before grabbing a bottle with a greenish purple liquid. “Here, dis should ‘elp with the pain,” he said as he shoved the bottle neck into Light Patch’s mouth, forcing him to drink its contents. The pegasus tried to wipe the taste from his mouth before he realized that the pain had started to fade away.

“It worked… Do I want to even know what was in that?” Light Patch asked, turning to look at the boar-like creature.

“Just some of the usual, rosemary, plantain, toad liver...” The dok continued to list off a bunch of other stuff. Light Patch tuned him out around the twentieth item. Great. First bit of meat I get to ingest in a while and I didn’t even get to taste it or even get a cut I like.

“Was there at least some onion in it?” Light Patch said cheekily.

“O’ve course! Anyway, you should be better than new now. In addition to your heart, I also mucked with a few other things in there. An’ best of all, I didn’t lose nothing in there either this time.” The dok sounded proud of himself. “You’ll also be ‘appy to know that you shouldn’t have any new scars from this. I went in through that one on your abdomen I found.” Light Patch lifted the blanket and peaked beneath.

Looks like he went in through my appendicitis scar. Didn’t even know I still had that in pony form. Light patch looked up. “Thanks, I guess. If you’ll show me my gear, I think I’ll get dressed.”

“Once you’re finished with that, my squad should be done restocking our supplies and we can head out to lead you to an exit near here. It comes out a day’s walk from the entrance to the ruins you were in,” Orb said, poking at a couple of bottles on a table.

“I’ll go with you lot,” the dok said, gathering a few things. “Other groups have been encountering zombponies down here and I’ve got a few ideas I could try with some spare bits.” Its tone was dreamy. “You lot go on ahead, I’ll meetcha by the front gate.”

“Zombponies? I take it those aren’t a natural occurrence here in the caverns?” Light Patch asked, quickly following Orb out of the dok’s room.

“No, they aren’t,” Orb replied. “From what other parties have found, they seem to be more common around an entrance to a swamp area near a town.”

“Wait. Let me guess the town’s name: Jakobs Cove? If it took more than one bolt, you weren’t using a Jakobs crossbow~” the pegasus finished in his best Markus impression.

Orb stared blankly at the pegasus for a few moments before shaking his head and carrying on. “Actually the town is named Ade, and when I say near, I mean it’s the closest at only a week away.”

“That’s where the others were going,” Light Patch muttered quietly before looking around the castle. While he hadn’t been paying an extreme amount of attention as he was brought in, he was sure this wasn’t the way back to the gate. “Where are we heading?”

“Armory. I had the smith work on your hammer considering how banged up it was.” Orb ignored the side look from the pegasus at his understatement. “And your armor too,” Orb continued. “Plus, I have to pick up a few other things for the squad from there,” he finished. The Aracholsid pushed the doors to a large room filled with the sound of roaring fires and hammers striking hot metals. Orb made his way over to a couple other Aracholsid and chittered along with them. Light Patch wandered over to check out the smiths in action and moved to watch a minotaur pounding out what he thought might be a sword. After a few more blows, the minotaur looked up and snorted at the pegasus before placing the work in progress back into one of the forges near it. It then turned back to look at light patch before speaking up in a feminine voice.

“You the pegasus with the warhammer?” she asked. A little shocked and fairly intimidated, Light Patch simply nodded. She motioned for him to follow her and walked towards an area near the back. “This here is all of your gear,” she said, pulling out his passing it to him. “There wasn’t much I could do with your Linothorax, so I got some of the Aracholsid weavers here to do something. I did have them incorporate some chain mail in the layering. and a couple of thin metal plates, but that was it.” She assisted him in securing it.

“Your helmet was a total loss. I ended up forging you a new one. Your leggings were still mostly fine, I just took a few dents out of them,” the minotaur smith finished as he slid them on.

“None of the pouches had to be replaced?” Light Patch asked, sliding on all of the various pouches, slings and the two saddle bags. The smith shook her head, then picked up his warhammer.

“And finally, here is your hammer. The head was horribly cracked from the artifact, which from the stories I’ve heard, isn’t a huge surprise. I melted the head down to reforge it and took the opportunity to replace the handle with some Iron Root Stem. It’s much sturdier than the wood you were using. I thought it’d be nicer looking too, for coming from a mushroom anyway.” She handed the hammer over to Light Patch and stepped back so he could give it a couple of test swings.

“Feels similarly balanced and yeah, the handle is a lot nicer. Thank you,” the pegasus said with a nod of thanks. “Do I owe you anything?”

The minotaur shook her head. “The queen has a standing order that royal funds will cover your expenses. Within reason of course,” she added, noticing a glimmer in his eyes.

Orb strode over. “I’ve got my gear ready. Unless there is anything else you can think of, we should get moving.”

Light Patch nodded and turned to face the female minotaur to speak, but was interrupted when she held a hand up. “If you wanna thank me, little one, put my work to good use and don’t get yourself killed fighting evil. It’s bad for a smith's business if heroes using their gear get killed.” She pulled the sword from earlier out of the forge and resumed hammering on it.

Orb led Light Patch to a couple of other places in the castle to get some supplies in order before they met Orb’s group back at the gates. Light Patch was able to pick them out quickly and spotted the dok along with them. He noticed the large skull the dok held.

The moment Light Patch got close, the Hog doctor walked up and dropped the skull onto Light Patch’s head. “Sorry, I almost forgot ta give ya this. You were such a good and brave little patient, ya didn’t even whine about me mucking about with your inner bits and replacing yur heart with one from a Slime Lord. So there's your trophy from Dok Healing Cut.” He turned to converse with one of the other Aracholsid in the group. Light Patch leaned towards Orb and quietly asked a question.

“Do I wanna know what a slime lord is and if it actually has a heart or not?”
Orb looked at the pegasus for a moment before flatly answering.

“No.” Light Patch sighed and clapped his hoofs a couple of times while muttering ‘clap if you believe’ as he walked past the group to the gate. “Let's get this train wreck going before I start asking questions I’ll regret.”

The gathered party glanced at each other in confusion.

“What’s a train?” Orb asked. Light Patch face hoofed.

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 64: Just talking to myself

“You’re enjoying ticking Twilight off, aren’t you?”

The raven-maned pony chuckled at Wits End’s comment, having once again cut the Princess of Friendship off with a, for lack of a better term, mental disconnect. “Imagining such a perfectionist being so irked amuses me. You understand, of course.”

No response for a moment. Then, a mental cough. “Well, uh, yeah. But that’s besides the point! I think by now you owe me an explanation for all of the ooga-booga mystery time.”

With a sigh, the pony shook its head, still trotting down the dirt road. “But we’re so close to the village of Mistakwe,” it said in a mock whine. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather wait until we’re there?”

“Oh, yes, by all means. Sorry to inconvenience you… NOT!” The unicorn’s body jerked to a sudden halt. “I want some answers, you little sh-”

“Ah ah ah!” The pony covered its surprise at its mental counterpart regaining partial control with a smug tone. “Remember, My Little Pony has a TV-Y rating~”

“-ssssugar honey iced tea. That still raises questions.”

“Fine.” The raven-maned pony wrested control of its limbs back and took a seat on a nearby rock. “Let’s bring this mystery to a close, shall we? Ask away.”

Wits End took a moment to gather his thoughts. “Okay then,” he thought-said, “let’s start with an easy one. You said that you were me. But I’m reasonably sure that I’m me. So if you’re me, and I’m me, then who’s flying this pony? Or, more to the point, who-slash-what are you, exactly?”

The pony chuckled again. “Like I said, I’m yo-”

“Stop right there. If you’re me, you should know that we really don’t have the patience for that kind of smug misdirection in this kind of situation.” Wits took control of a foreleg and tapped the hoof against the rock impatiently. “Give me a straight answer, or the next question is gonna be ‘why are you hitting yourself’.”

“...Fine.” The raven-maned unicorn sighed. “I suppose saying that I’m you is a gross misrepresentation. What would be more accurate would be to say that I’m a hybrid that is heavily influenced by you.”

“Hybrid? What is this, Doctor Whooves? Am I supposed to go around with sunglasses and an electric guitar now?”

The unicorn made a shushing sound. “Quiet. This is about to get more complicated, so keep quiet and pay attention. I’m sure you’ll enjoy this.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

“Shh, quiet time. Do you remember the scroll you got from Holdfast?”

“...”

“...Well?”

“You told me to be quiet.”

The raven-maned pony shook its head. “I’m beginning to regret this.”

“I have that effect on people. Yes, I do remember the scroll that I had to betray my friends’ trust to get and also keep them safe. It’s a little difficult to forget something like that.”

“Do you remember why Holdfast intended to give it to you?”

“Payment for murdering Amber Glitter? A bonus for a job well done?”

“That was what he said, yes. But you’ve seen enough of Holdfast to know that was never his original plan.” The pony pulled at the collar of its cloak as if it were a dog’s collar. “A pony with the ability to take on the appearance of anypony? One that was unable to resist any order he gave? He was never going to let you go. Or rather, let us go.”

Wits End was silent. “You’re his contingency plan,” he replied slowly. “A bit of More Than Mind Control. An agent on the inside of my brain to make sure I didn’t turn on him afterwards.”

“Which, incidentally, was exactly what you did.” The unicorn shifted to get more comfortable on the rock. “The spell that would become me was already written into the scroll long before you came along. Holdfast was prepared for the eventuality of coming across a Mimic. But, since you cut your ties to him before reading the scroll-”

“Quite literally.”

“I am talking. Since you cut your ties, it left what would be me without a ‘master’ to tie you to. So, the spell that would be me had to find something else to tie you to.”

“Hang on a tick,” Wits interrupted. “You keep saying ‘the spell that would be you’, but you’re clearly more than just a spell. Right? Are you trying to imply that there’s something else at work?”

The pony clapped its forehooves together. “Very good! I was worried you weren’t as clever as we think we are.”

A pause. “Thhhhanks?”

“Now, put that brain of ours to work. Holdfast is out of the picture The spell that would become me is designed to tie whoever is under it to a ‘master’; something that already has some sort of control over them. Something that’s already manipulating them for their own goals. Sound familiar?”

Silence again. Then, the pony’s hoof tapped one over the other; a gesture that would have been a fist tapping the palm of the lower hand, if hands had been involved at all. “Discord.”

“Well done indeed! Yes, the so-called Spirit of Chaos. Naturally, with him involved, the magic went a bit… well, the result is obvious, is it not?”

“So a spell that Discord indirectly set up targeted him directly, and it made you happen. That’s how you knew about the trick weapon shenanigans and the village you sent those two Team Rocket wannabes to. Because Discord knows they’ll be important later.” Wits End thought for a moment. “That seems… almost too straightforward for him. Am I missing something?” The mysterious pony remained silent. “That sounds an awful lot like a ‘yes’ to me. Drop the legumes, buddy.”

With a sigh, the pony shook his head. “Your actions concerning Holdfast-”

“I take it back. Secure the legumes again. Restrict legume loss.”

The pony continued regardless. “Your actions concerning Holdfast went against certain moral tenets held by the ponies of Equestria, and thus Discord in his redeemed state.”

“What are you, a equidroid? You wanna tell me about the state of the neutron flow through the corbomite reactor?”

“I’m trying to explain-”

“Wibbly wobbly technobabbly.”

“Fine.” The unicorn tapped one forehoof against the rock. “You screwed up big-time like. You lied to your friends, kept things from them, and almost ruined what trust the mares had for you.”

“To protect-”

“Don’t even try it,” the unicorn snorted in a biting tone. “I’m you, remember? Do you really think you can’t be honest with yourself?” Wits End’s thoughts went silent. “What, no response?” the raven-maned pony asked. “No snappy comeback or witty redirection? Maybe you should consider a little something called ‘the truth’.”

“Shut up, would ya?” Wits’ thoughts held an edge to them, and the mysterious pony could feel its jaw tensing. “I did it because I could, alright? I could’ve gotten everypony together to kick Holdfast’s flank into dust. But, I saw the opportunity to be sneaky—to really set up Holdfast for a fall—and I took it, regardless the cost.”

“And why was that, exactly?”

“Don’t you know already?”

The unicorn smirked. “Let’s say I like hearing myself squirm.”

“...Fine. Because, despite all of the emotional connections I can make to it, this is still a game. Games like this are where I get to be who-and-whatever I want. And because Holdfast was an acceptable target. He wanted to cause me as much pain as possible, and I decided to repay him in kind. Because I can. And you can let Discord know that no, I don’t regret it. The only thing I regret in that whole scenario was how it effected my friends. That’s it. Happy now?”

“And would you do it again?”

“No.” The answer was immediate. “I did it because I thought, since this is a game, that it’d be fun to play the anti-hero for once. It wasn’t, so I won’t do it again.”

“An excuse because you were caught?”

“Not an excuse. A promise.”

The pony broke out into laughter. “Well, that was certainly more soul-searching than I expected.” It wiped a tear from its eye. “Honestly, I originally meant to say that Discord didn’t like you wrapping Fluttershy up in your drama. He wanted to punish you for making his friend uncomfortable.”

“...Oh.” Wits went silent for several seconds. “I’ll fight him for her.”

“He’d cheat.”

“I’d still win.”

“I don’t doubt it.” The pony sighed contentedly. “Is there anything else you want to know?”

“Yes, actually. What about that Sunbrony from before? He was looking for Rarity after I imitated her. You could’ve just said that you hadn’t seen her and went on your way. What makes him important?”

The pony chuckled. “You’ll have to ask your mare friends about that.”

“Assuming I still have any by the time I see them again.” Wits fell silent again. For a moment, the raven-maned pony wondered if it was going to have to comfort itself. “Different topic: the Alter Self ability. Are you gonna pop up everytime I use it?”

“Don’t worry. You can cosplay your precious Fluttershy without me interrupting you. I simply borrowed the ability to create this form when you left it open.”

“You mean when I tried to create my Oh-see Donut Steel? So then… can I use Alter Self to look like you?”

A smile crossed the pony’s lips. “If you want to look like somepony other than one of your friends, I’m afraid you’ll have to. Alter Self only gives you one form you can imitate aside from your companions.”

“Aaaand you spent it. So cool of you.” Wits fell silent again for several seconds. “Alright, so is this the part where you talk about how you just want to exist after being created by accident, right? And then we share a body and get into wacky hijinks where one of us does something and the other has to deal with the resulting fallout?”

Now it was the pony’s turn to be silent. “What would you do?” it asked. “If you were in my position, where your existence was, as you put it, an accident?”

Wits End laughed, almost startling the raven-maned unicorn. “Are you serious?” he asked between mental breaths. “Geez, I guess we’re not so alike after all. As long as I could survive without hurting anypony, I’d absolutely do it. No questions asked.”

“Survival is enough for you, then?”

“Survival is the baseline of everything we do, friendo. Once you’ve got that, you figure out where to go from there. Move forward.” Wits chuckled. “We’ve got two strong pairs of legs. We should get up and use them.”

A smile passed over the pony’s face. “You couldn’t resist another Foalmetal Alchemist reference, could you?”

“You’re me. You should know it’s my go-to for references. Now come on, we’re burning daylight.”

“You would share your body and mind with me, after everything that’s happened so far?”

“Oh please. I’m a writer. Not a day goes by without my imaginary friends telling me to do stuff. I bet we can find you a suit of armor and a blood rune in Mistakwe. Come on, I’ll let you drive. I gotta come up with a punny name for you anyway.”

The pony shook its head as it stood. “No thanks. This world isn’t ready for two of us. Besides, my job is over for now. I’m on borrowed time as it is. There’s just one thing left to do. It’ll require breaking the rules a bit.”

“Huh? What’re you talking about?”

The raven-maned unicorn gathered its focus, its horn glowing as it channeled its magic. “Imitate Skill: Telepathy.” A twinge of pain shot through the pony as it tapped into Discord’s influence to copy Twilight’s ability without her nearby. A moment later, it felt the connection open. “Hello, Fluttershy.”

“Eep! Wits End?” Fluttershy’s confusion was obvious in her tone. “How are you doing this? I thought Twilight was the only one who could-”

“Hold that thought. I don’t have a lot of time to do this.” The pony took a deep breath, wiping the sweat off its brow. “I know you and the other mares have some questions for me. Probably a lot of questions, actually. I wanted to let you know that when we meet up again, I’ll answer any questions you six have.” It chuckled. “And that’s a Pinkie Promise.”

“What are you talking ab-”

Another jolt pain ran through the raven-maned pony; this one stronger than before. It looked down to see a light forming around its hooves. “Whoops. That’s my time up. Sorry, Fluttershy, gonna have to cut this short. See you soon, okay?”

“Wits End, are you-”

The connection closed. The pony chuckled as the light moved up its body. “Well, there we go,” it said. “My job is done.”

“Keeping me straight, huh? Or is it throwing me under the bus?” Wits End’s tone lacked its usual light-heartedness. “You’re gonna make me tear up.”

“Relax. This isn’t goodbye forever.” The light was covering the unicorn’s torso now. “I’ll be back if you mess up again. But for now, I’m passing this off to you again. Keep going down this road and you’ll arrive in Mistakwe soon enough. Keep an eye out for old friends.” It sighed as the light moved up its neck. “Oh and before I go, I just want to say one thing.” It grinned. “I’ll always remember when Wits End was me.”

Light flared from the pony’s body, lighting the area around it for a moment. When the light faded, the pony had been replaced by a short, mint-colored stallion.

Wits End was silent for a long time, staring down at his hooves. Eventually, he took a deep breath, holding it for a second before letting it out again. “Three days with somepony else in my brain,” he muttered. “Seems awful empty now.” He blinked. “I think I just zinged myself.” With a chuckle, he closed his eyes, a familiar light enveloping his body.

When the light faded, the raven-maned unicorn stood in his place. Wits End looked down at his longer, artichoke-green limbs. “Despite everything,” he muttered, his voice just as androgynous as the mysterious pony’s. “It’s still me.” He transformed back into his shorter, mint-colored form. “Alright then,” he said, putting a smirk on his face. “Onward to Mistakwe.”

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 65: Paranoid Mane Six Shenanigans

To say that the Mane Six were walking in silence would be ever so slightly inaccurate. For the first day, the six mares had done only two things: walk and talk. A whole twenty-four hours spent reconnecting, chatting, and pondering the nature of the world Discord had created for them.

By the second day, on the other hoof, they had run out of things to talk about.

Aside from a few scattered conversations between two or three of the mares—for example; who exactly is Murphy and why did he take up law—the ponies spent their time in silence.

“But if Wits End knows about the Pinkie Promise, and Purple Heart is so blasé about morality, and Light Patch is… well, Light Patch, then how’re we supposed to trust them in a fight? I mean, what if they’re secretly spies from outside of Equestria, with weird alien creatures and weird alien agendas, and a goal to incapacitate their biggest threat: the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony!”

Well, almost silence.

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Twilight, don’t you think you might be overreacting juuuust a little?”

“Yeah,” Applejack agreed. “Ah mean, Discord is somewhat reformed an’ ah don’t see why he’d go out of his way to bring us here and summon those three if they were spahs or somethin’ like that. While I agree with your deductions regardin’ their morality, they don’t seem like th’ kind to side with aliens of all things.”

“Also, if they were alien invaders, wouldn’t it be more likely for them to not know about the Pinkie Promise,” Pinkie cheerily chimed in, “and wouldn’t they have likely to have given it away by failing to know one of the most basic things about pony culture by now? Like, knowledge about cutie marks, or that they’re secretly carnivores, or breathe carbon or something?”

Twilight fell silent for a moment. “Carbon doesn’t have a scent, so…”

“Twilight, darling, please.” Rarity sighed dramatically. “You’ve been at this ever since you checked on them last. They’ve already proven themselves to be at least reliable.” She fluffed her mane, frowning at the slight lack of bounce it had acquired over the last few days. “Besides, it’s not as if we’ve been telling them our life stories either. For all they know, we’re the aliens.”

Rainbow snorted loudly. “Can you imagine that? Who in their right minds would think ponies were a weird alien race? We don’t even have tentacles!”

There was silence for a moment. “Well,” Applejack said, “she ain’t wrong.”

“That aside,” Fluttershy said gently, “Rarity’s right, Twilight. We don’t know a lot about them, but they don’t know a lot about us either.” The pink-maned pegasus glanced around. “And, um, the things they do know, maybe they learned it from somewhere else?”

“We did kinda take down,” Applejack started counting on her hooves, “Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, Discord, Trixie with th’ Alicorn Amulet, Queen Chrysalis, Tirek, and Discord again.” The farmpony raised an eyebrow at Pinkie Pie, who had supplied her with extra hooves. “Thanks, Pinkie. Not to mention th’ whole ‘Bearers of th’ Elements of Harmony’, ‘Princess of Friendship’, and th’ giant crystal castle that popped outta the ground like a daisy. Like it or not, Twi, but we ain’t exactly the small-town ponies we use to be.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash agreed. “I’m certain that most all of Equestria knows who we are. It wouldn’t be a great stretch for some facts about us to be passed around. Gossip happens. No offense, Rares.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about, Rainbow,” Rarity sniffed.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Okay, they may know us from word of mouth, but come on! Surely the only ponies who know what a Pinkie Promise is live in Ponyville?”

“There’s also Celestia, Luna, Discord, some of the guard for Canterlot, Shining Armor, Cadence,” Applejack counted out again, getting some help from Pinkie when she ran out of hooves. “Twi, th’ Pinkie Promise isn’t all that big a secret. Discord could have put th’ term int’ their heads when he summoned ‘em.”

“Fine,” the purple alicorn snapped. “What about Light Patch’s account regarding that place he was talking about? You know, when we were in the inn after Purple Heart was arrested and sentenced to the Coliseum?” Pinkie tilted her head with a thoughtful look.

“What about it? All of the philosophical stuff that's basically a counterpoint to pony society? Or do you mean the bit about where they didn’t have an immortal leader who was able to start plans and then see them through to the end without interference from opposing political forces?” She returned the stunned looks from her friends with one of confusion. “What? Light Patch and I got talking about governmental structures after we’d gotten out of the caverns with Dashie and Profits.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. If I wasn’t pulling one of the carts at that time, I’d have been anywhere else,” Rainbow Dash moaned.

“Patchy is so much fun to talk politics and philosophy with. He never starts shouting like most ponies I know would.” Pinkie paused mid-pronk as she thought. “Ooh! He’s also more than willing to play the Devil’s Advocate for some of the philosophical debates. He even says he has fun doing it at times.”

Twilight nodded vigorously, seizing the opportunity. “Exactly! Who find fun in playing the devil’s advocate? Besides-” She paused. “Um, Pinkie? What’s a devil’s advocate?”

“Well... As Patchy explained it, the devil was some kind of evil being that he believed stemmed mostly from some religious beliefs common to where they come from.” Pinkie adjusted the glasses she’d put on. “But as the term stands now, it’s most commonly used for someone who is being the advocate or at least standing for either the unpopular opinion, or for evil in some cases. An example he gave me would be someone speaking for the political ideals of a group they didn’t agree with.”

The mares were silent as they absorbed what Pinkie Pie had said. While they didn’t want to actively pry into the three stallions’ background, they were definitely curious to know more about them.

Twilight rubbed at her face with a hoof in exasperation. “Okay,” she said, “can we all agree that we’ll at least try to get those three to open up to us a little bit?”

“S’long as you don’t get them jumped up on cider,” Applejack ordered firmly. “Drunk Wits End was hard enough to deal with. Ah don’t even want ta imagine what drunk Light Patch and Purple Heart are like.”

“What was Wits End like?” Fluttershy asked curiously.

Twilight and Applejack shared a look.

“Opinionated”

“Strange.”

“Blunt.”

“Hopelessly romantic,” they said in unison.

“Uh, girls?” Rainbow Dash cut in. “Not to interrupt gossip time, but we’re not alone.” The five mares followed the rainbow-maned pegasus’ pointed hoof. A golden stallion clad in chain and plate armor was trotting their way, his head obscured by a great helm, and a white tabard over his body. “I don’t trust him…” Rainbow muttered.

“I concur,” Rarity agreed, narrowing her eyes at the approaching stallion.

“Now all of us are gettin’ paranoid,” Applejack sighed.

“He looks like a Paladin,” Twilight commented. “Most likely a Light-oriented one.”

“Oooh, I wonder if he knows Justice Deserts! I’ll go ask him!” Pinkie chimed in, bouncing over to the strange stallion.

“Wait, Pinkie!” the five mares hissed, staring as the pink earth pony bounced up to the paladin.

“Hiya!” Pinkie greeted cheerily. “My name’s Pinkie Pie! Do you know a pony named Justice Desserts? He looks alot like you! All sparkly and shiny and clean!”

The armor-clad stallion looked up from his reverie. “Hmm? Ah, hello! I’m afraid I don’t know anypony by that name.” He nodded to the approaching mares. “I am Wayward Sun, an adherent of the Lady of Sunlight. How may I…” His gaze shifted to Rarity. “Oh ho! I see you’ve found your companions once again. I had worried about your safety.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “I’m… sorry? I don’t think we’ve met before.”

Wayward Sun fell silent for a moment. “Well, yes, quite understandable. Not to worry! I was in the wrong. We’ll laugh it off, shall we?” The stallion chuckled. “Now, what manner of quest sets six young mares on the road?”

“We’re on a mission from Queen Amber Glitter,” Twilight explained, “to investigate the state of the village of Ade.”

“Oh ho?” Wayward Sun nodded. “That’s quite the coincidence! I am returning to Ade from my quest to Lost Izalithoroughbred.” The golden stallion looked the six mares over. “In that case, I have a proposition, if you have a moment. Perhaps we could travel together, and engage in jolly co-operation?”

“Well.” Twilight looked at the stallion. “We did lose our heavy hitter,” she said slowly. She wasn’t sure if her paranoia about the colts was clouding her judgment but she was hesitant to trust him. “What do you girls think?”

“The more the merrier!” Pinkie shouted, not unexpectedly. “Plus he hasn’t answered my question about Justice Deserts.” She was suddenly next to him and stared through his helmet.

“Not that we need th’ help,” Applejack muttered. “Still, it ain’t like it’ll hurt nothing.”

Fluttershy shifted uncomfortably. “Um, if it’s not too much of a problem. I mean, he doesn’t seem too… dangerous.”

“I don’t trust him,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “But I don’t see the harm in joining forces for a bit. Safety in numbers and all that.”

“We might as well,” Rarity sighed. “Having a guide wouldn’t hurt, nor would having a heavy hitter to replace Purple Heart for the time being.”

Twilight sighed, stifling her paranoia. “Well, I suppose if we’re all agreed…” She turned to the armored stallion. “Welcome aboard, Mister Wayward.”

Wayward Sun perked up. “Ah hah! Excellent! Allow me to be the first to officiate this co-operation. You six were planning on taking this path until you reached Ade, were you not?” The mares nodded. “Fortunately for our little group, I know a shortcut.” He turned, walking off the road the mares had been traveling on. “Follow me, and we’ll be there before the sun has left the sky!”

The mares trailed several paces behind the exuberant paladin pony as he walked through the trees, parting bushes and branches with his passing.

“I wonder how the colts are doing,” Rarity wondered out loud. “Do you think you could check in with them, Twi?”

“Yeah I probably should,” she thought for a moment before deciding to contact Light Patch first. If I can even get through to him, she added mentally upon remembering he was underground, again. She focused on the spell and after a few seconds she felt the connection become established. She jumped at the sudden surge of Light Patch’s thoughts.

“Ooohgodpleasedon’tletmedietodaytomorrowwouldbesomuchbetter!Pleasedon’tletmefallpleasedon’tletme--gahspiderthoraxinthefacedonotwant--ohgeeseIlookeddownagaincelestialunadiscordlurchincthulhupleaseanysuperpoweredbeingslisteningdon’tletmefall!” Light Patch mentally wailed. Twilight closed the link on her own, realising she wasn’t going to get anything coherent from him this time.

“Well,” Twilight deadpanned aloud, “Light Patch isn’t dead… Yet. We can only hope Just Duty keeps him alive.” Twilight sighed and cast the spell again, focusing on Purple Heart this time. “Purple Heart? Please don’t mentally scream in my brain.”

“Shhhh~” the purple earth pony replied.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Did you just shush our mental, undetectable, absolutely silent communication?”

“Be vewy, vewy qwuiet. I’m hunting wabbits.”

“...Good bye, Purple Heart.”

“Okay, okay! I’m being for serious...maybe. Yeesh, can’t take a joke, can you? Did Light Patch scream at you or something?”

“I’m not entirely sure what happened. I understood something about praying not to die today and spider thoraxes, and that was about it. I’m assuming Just Duty will take care of his little panic attack, though. What’s this about rabbits?”

“Ahh, the Spathi Prayer. He’s fine. Just Duty can Gibb-smack him better if need be. As for rabbits, apparently the village of Mistakwe was built on ground sacred to their tribes.”

“...An ancient Bunny burial ground? Purple Heart, are you feeling okay?”

“Of course I’m okay! Why wouldn’t I be? And no, not burial grounds. More like ‘official tribe meeting grounds’.”

Twilight sighed. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. Are you safe? Are the bunnies threatening with a civil suit? Maybe Bunnies v. Purple Heart?”

“Safe? Yes. Healthy? Yes. Mentally unstable...I dunno. I doubt these HARES will settle for a domestic dispute. Some of these buggers are trained warriors. They have the leg power to take Mistakwe if need be, regardless of high walls.”

“...What.”

“I’m serious. These hares could wreck those in the village with little difficulty. Some of these hares are old, but I don’t doubt their ability. They’re called ‘Fighting Hares’ for a reason. I blame Discord.”

Twilight took a moment to gather her thoughts. “Sure. Okay. I’ll expect a full explanation when we meet up. Try not to get beaten up by bunnies, okay?”

“Your faith in me is inspiring. Next time you look at Angel, remember this: hares are TERRIFYING. Purple Heart out.”

“Wha-” Twilight was interrupted by the connection closing. She frowned; her paranoia was picking up more than ever. “Purple Heart seems… fine.”

“That sounds like there’s a story behind it,” Applejack muttered.

“It’s those three. There’s a story behind everything,” Rainbow Dash chimed in.

There’s still one with a story to tell, Twilight thought, focusing in on Wits End. “Wits, I swear, don’t do anything weird this ti-”

Instead of the unicorn responding, Twilight became suddenly aware of peaceful music playing through the mental link. “We’re sorry,” a neutral voice stated, “but the number you called does not exist. Please hang up, and do not call again.” The message repeated before the princess of friendship closed the connection.

Rarity frowned at the look on Twilight’s face. “It didn’t go well, I take it?”

“At this point, I’m not sure if I should be worried more than irritated.” Twilight sighed again. “I’m sure he’s fine. What’s the worst trouble he could get into, anyway?”

“He could have prompted a fight with a dragon,” Applejack offered.

“His wit might have gotten him into a situation similar to what happened to Purple Heart,” Rarity said thoughtfully.

“He might have fallen off another cliff,” Rainbow said, trying to suppress her giggles at the image in her head.

“Um, he might have tripped and gotten a cut, which became an infection,” Fluttershy timidly suggested.

“His show might have run short by a minute, or maybe he’s been kidnapped by alien turtles and now we’ve gotta get to their airship armada to rescue him. Or-” Rainbow’s hoof silenced Pinkie Pie.

“You know what?” Twilight said quickly. “He’s fine! Perfectly fine, nothing wrong with him.” She turned to their armored guide. “So, what kind of a place is Ade, Mister Wayward?”

“Oh, it’s a peaceful place,” Wayward replied over his shoulder, his smile apparent in his tone. “No domestic disputes, no crime, no disease, no danger, no worries! We’re all at peace there, thanks to the Lady of Sunlight! She takes care of us. Even the wildlife.”

“Then why haven’t they responded to the Queen’s couriers?” Twilight asked.

“Why bother?” Wayward chuckled merrily. “Rulers seem to come and go so quickly nowadays. By the time we responded, somepony new could be in charge! Ade is well enough, and the rest of Roania will be as well, soon enough.”

For some inexplicable reason, the Mane Six shivered. They all felt as if, had they not been sucked into this world by Discord, they might have been dealing with some problem vaguely similar to what they felt now.

Applejack frowned as she peered at the earth pony. Something was niggling at the back of her mind in the same place that it would when she thought somepony was lying to her. Wayward Sun sounded like he was lying… But he seemed to believe what he himself was saying about this ‘Lady of Sunlight’. The orange earth pony decided she’d tell Twilight as soon as possible. She was getting more red flags than was already there.

“Hey, Twi?” Applejack mused, glancing meaningfully at the purple alicorn.

Twilight had just opened her mouth to ask Wayward Sun more about the situation. She sighed, closed her mouth, and turned her head back to the farmpony. “Yes, Applejack?”

“Well, ah was thinkin’...” She trailed off. Twilight’s brow furrowed.

“Thinking of what?”

“Just thinkin’...” Applejack trailed off again as she jerked her head upwards, her eyes rolled high.

“...Yes?” Twilight prompted. “What is it?”

Applejack almost sighed in exasperation. “Oh, nothing. Just televising the path.” The orange earth pony put as much emphasis on the three syllables as she could. She thought it was subtle enough. Or maybe too much...

Twilight blinked slowly. “Applejack, are you feeling okay?”

Twilight turned at the sound of Pinkie clearing her throat, she froze when her gaze meet the dead seriousness of Pinkie’s look. After a few seconds of Pinkie making sure she had Twilight’s undivided attention, she slowly raised her hoof and reached into her hair to pull out a sheet of tin foil. Her eyes never straying from Twilight’s. She folded the tin foil into the same shape as a paper hat and instilling as much purpose as she could. She placed the tin foil hat on her head, and waited until the dawning of comprehension twinkled in Twilight's eyes. Four seconds later, the sun rose over Twilight's mind and her mouth formed a small ‘oh’. The feeling of the mental communication spell appeared in the six mare’s heads. Pinkie smiled in celebration and took a bag of chips from her hair, popping it open quietly before beginning consumption.

“Alright,” Twilight thought at the other five mares. “What is it, Applejack?”

“Mah Honesty senses are tinglin’,” Applejack said promptly. “He sounds like he’s lying, but he seems to believe what he’s sayin’. Ah’m gettin’ more red flags. We shouldn’t trust him.”

“Maybe he’s being mind controlled!” Rainbow Dash cut in. “Maybe if we take that bucket off his head, there’ll be a big blue beetle with tentacles wrapped around his face and it’s controlling his every thought and movement!”

Fluttershy mentally cleared her throat. “Um, Rainbow Dash? You’re wiggling your hooves and it might kind of freak him out if he turns around.”

“...Sorry.”

“Even if he is unknowingly telling a lie, what exactly could we do about it?” Rarity chimed in. “Confronting him about it could bring about a conflict we’re not able to deal with at the moment. It might be best if we simply play along until we know more about this-”

“Celestia-sounding-alike?” Pinkie interupted. “What, you can’t tell me that I wasn’t the only pony who drew a connection between Sunny and the princess? At least in name?”

“It’s certainly a similar title,” Twilight mused. Her face lit up in a smile. “Maybe Celestia got through to Discord, and this is her way of getting us out of here!”

Applejack coughed. “Or maybe it’s Discord bein’ petty and makin’ Princess Celestia th’ villain of this story. It’d be just his style.”

“Seems a bit lazy, don’t you think?” Rarity asked.

“Like Ah said,” Applejack continued, “lazy. Wits did say it seemed like Discord’s pullin’ from more than one source for this.”

Twilight frowned. “Are we’re really going to trust those three at this point? This Lady of the Sun sound’s nice!”

“Or scary.” Fluttershy waited to see if anypony else would interrupt before continuing. “Not even Princess Celestia cares directly for the animals. She leaves that to the rest of the ponies. If this Lady of the Sun can make it so that even the animals are peaceful, she might be even more powerful than the Princess.”

“All in favor of being wary of Sunny Delight paranoia?” Pinkie asked.

A collection of ‘aye’s’ went up in the telepathic chat before it dissipated. They all had to keep an eye on the oddly cheerful earth pony now. They didn’t know what his game was, or this ‘Lady of Sunlight’s for that matter.

“When did the Lady of Sunlight come to Ade?” Twilight asked, gently probing for more information.

Wayward Sun pondered the question for a moment before he chuckled, the sound echoing within his helm. “A month, maybe two… no, three months ago. Our fair Lady didn’t waste time in establishing herself, I can tell you that.” He laughed again at the look of concern on the six mares’ faces. “Not by violence, of course. She simply helped the old mayor realize that his talents were better served elsewhere while she, as they say, handled the daily grind. A decision I think we all can agree on, no?”

“And what was that, exactly?” Rarity asked.

“Why, negotiating of course!”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Negotiating with whom, exactly?”

“Oh, everypony!” Wayward chuckled again. “It started with the neighboring villages. Izzapeeg, Hoofstra, Reinier, and so on. From there, our Lady, sent ambassadors all across Roania. Why, they’ve even reached as far as Ibnutas Pass!” The golden stallion paused for a moment. “Which thus far has refused, but I’m sure they’ll see the light soon enough. I myself have just returned from Lost Izalithoroughbred on a quest from the Lady of the Sun herself!”

“Quite a mouthful, that name,” Rarity muttered. “I wouldn’t want to say it three times fast.”

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath. “Lost Izalithoroughbred, Lost Iza-”

“Please don’t, dear.”

The pink mare ‘awwed’ in disappointment only to perk up. “What kind of quest? Is it a cool quest? Did you beat the dancing Merry Mares? What about the squatters? Any short lords perchance? OOH! What about brimstone? Meet any ogres? Or talking donkeys for that matter?”

Wayward shook his head. “No such perils, I’m afraid. I simply retrieved an artifact our Lady requested. I would show you, but…” His voice took on an odd tone. “I’m afraid our jolly cooperation would have to come to an end in that case.” After a tense moment, the golden stallion laughed. “Not to worry! I’m sure the Lady of the Sun would be more than happy to explain once we arrive.”

“We look forward to hearing it,” Twilight replied simply.

“Well, you’ll hear it soon enough, I think.” Wayward gestured toward where the path opened up. “Ade is just through there. However, I’m afraid I must attend to some business alone before I return. Please, feel free to continue without me. When you meet with the Lady of the Sun, simply inform her that we are in cooperation.” He waved a hoof as he took a branching path away from the main way. “Farewell, and may the sun always shine down on your endeavors!”

The six mares waved bid the stallion goodbye and collectively sighed in relief once they were sure he’d gone. “Well, if we hadn’t already decided to not trust the stallion, I’d say that remark about the ‘end to our jolly cooperation’ would have flipped me,” Rarity said as the group got moving again.

“Agreed,” Applejack grunted. “Ah don’t think everything he said about this Lady of the Sun is as sunshine and daisies as he said it is.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash piped up. “That was a threat, if ever I saw one.”

“Do you think the Lady of the Sun has any nefarious plans in mind?” Rarity asked, turning to Twilight. “I mean, he was rather tight-lipped about the whole quest he had completed. I wouldn’t be surprised if that artifact he was carrying would have been better left unfound.”

“We’ll see when we get to Ade, girls,” Twilight interjected. “Then we can ask the Lady of the Sun ourselves.”

“Um,” Fluttershy whispered. “I don’t think that will be as easy as you say it is.” The five other mares blinked at the yellow pegasus.

“How do you know?” Rarity inquired.

Fluttershy gestured forward. The other mares followed her hoof and blinked.

They had just walked past a large wooden gate. Beyond was a village.

An empty village.

No ponies.

No noise.

Nothing.

The Mane Six stared around at the empty village in dumbstruck silence. In hindsight, it was obvious why they hadn’t realized they’d walked into the town without noticing. There were no merchants at their stalls hawking their wares, no commoners trudging down the street doing their day to day activities, no guardsponies watching for danger....

It was a ghost town.

Twilight stood there and did the only thing she could.

“Purple, Light, Wits? We’ve got a bit of a problem...”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 66: The Order

Author's Note

So...um... I dun goofed. Completely forgot to upload this chapter last Saturday. Oops. Apologies. Nothing to worry about. Just slipped my mind. We're still writing this. It's not an April Fool's prank. Enjoy! [PH]

Authors: Light Patch, Purple Heart, Wits End

Chapter 66: The Order

Light Patch smiled when he saw Mistakwe ahead. He and Orb’s group had been lucky to encounter so few zombies. He quickened his pace, hoping to meet up with Wits End quickly so he’d have someone to talk to while they waited for Purple Heart. A grin could just be made out from the skull currently adorning his head. I’ll have to sell this to a tavern, he thought, noticing all of the strange looks he was getting from the ponies. It’s a nice skull, but it’s a bit big to easily carry along. The pegasus wandered through the town’s outskirts for a bit before he walked up to one of the guards.

“Could you point me towards the nearest tavern? I’m looking for a friend and I figured checking the taverns would be my best bet.”

The guardspony raised an eyebrow as he got a look at the strange headgear of Light Patch’s but quickly shook it off and pointed down a street to his left. “You wanna go that way until the fifth chance to turn right. It’ll be the big brick building.”

Light Patch thanked the guard and set off along the specified route. This town seems okay. Doesn’t really look like much is going on, the pegasus thought. I wonder what was keeping them from responding to Amber's messengers. He entered the tavern and looked around for either of his friends. Seeing neither of them, he shrugged and made his way up to the front of the tavern and took a seat at the bar. He looked around a bit before he caught the sight of the bartender. “This is a nice place, but I think it’s missing something,” he said, looking at who he assumed was the owner.

“Missing what?” the old griffon asked, wiping a tankard out.

“How about a nice monster skull from the caverns? I might know where you could find one,” Light Patch said, lifting the skull on his head up for the tender to get a better look.

“And how much might this supposed skull cost me?” the griffon asked, looking curious.

“A couple of tankards of cider, maybe a room for the night if you think it’s a nice enough skull.”

“And just where might I put the skull? Over the door or bar?”

“Too easy. I’d say put it over a barrel of your strongest or spiciest drink.”

“Anyone ever tell you that you haven’t got a lick of taste or style in you?” the bartender asked, placing a couple of tankards of cider along with a room key.

“More times than I’d care to admit,” Light Patch said bitterly while lifting the skull off his head to place on the counter. “You wouldn’t have happened to have seen a mint splotchy colored unicorn, would you? He’s a bit on the short side.”

“I’ve seen a couple of pinto patterned ponies today, no mint colored ones, though.” Light Patch frowned for a moment before picking the drinks and room key up and moving to an unoccupied table where he could watch the door from.

A soon as Light Patch’s flank touched the seat, the door opened as a female cyan pegasus trotted in and made her way to the bar. Light sipped from one of his tankards, eyeing the pegasus as she spoke to the griffon barkeep. His eyes narrowed briefly when a gnarled claw pointed towards him. The pegasus looked over, her eyes flashing with recognition. Hiding behind the tankard in his hoof, he waited, resigned to the inevitable. The sound of hooves clopping on the wooden floor reached his ears that eventually stopped right beside him. The pegasus cleared her throat, obviously trying to get his attention.

“This isn’t the pony you're looking for,” he said, waving his hoof before he took another sip of his drink. “You can go about your business. Move along.”

The mare arched an eyebrow at Light Patch, bemusement shining in her eyes. “I can see why Purple Heart associates with you,” she mused. “You both say the strangest things.”

“Purple Heart? Is he here already?” Light Patch asked, surprised. The cyan pegasus inclined her head in the affirmative.

“He’s been here for some time actually,” she confirmed. “Helped the town with its problems, ordered me to keep an eye out for ‘a gray pegasus who likes obscure references’ and ‘a sarcastic unicorn the color of toothpaste’, and got somepony to work on his gauntlet. Then he barricaded himself in his room to deal with paperwork, what little he has, of course.”

“He got here first?” Light Patch quietly asked himself. “Weird. Normally he’s the last one.” He shook his head before looking up at the pegasus before him. “He’s got paper work now, huh? What’d he do, retake the town from invaders and install himself as Governor-Militant? Does he have a stupidly large coat collar now? Oh, please say yes...”

Navee blinked. “I don’t know about a tall collared coat, but I do know he isn’t Governor-Militant, whatever that is.” She paused, shuffling her hooves and preening her wings briefly. “Well, since you are here, we might as well go meet him. He told me to escort you to him once you arrived. I’ll have to go searching for the ‘minty pinto’ afterwards.” She stood to one side, gesturing with a wing to the stairs leading up to the higher levels of the tavern. Light Patch stood, nodding in agreement. He slipped his room key into a pocket and grabbed the two tankards.

“Sounds more like an ice cream flavor than a pony,” he commented. Navee giggled and led the other pegasus up the stairs to Purple Heart’s temporary abode. Once they reached the door to Purple Heart’s room, Navee raised a hoof and was about to knock on the door when Light Patch’s hoof and an evil grin on his face stopped her.

The grey pegasus motioned for her to move aside and stood in front of the door when she did. Still wearing the grin, he knocked on the door three times before saying ‘Purple Heart.’ He paused for a second and then knocked three more times before saying his friend’s name once more while desperately trying to hold his laughter in. He then repeated the process one last time before allowing his laughter to burst forth. For a while, the only audible sound was Light’s laughter. Then hoofsteps were heard on the other side of the door, stopping as whoever inside reached the door. Purple Heart’s deadpan face came into view as he opened the door.

“I really, really want to punch you right now,” the purple earth pony grumbled, “but I can’t fault your exquisite reading of a perfect opportunity and seizing it with both hooves. Well played, Light Patch. Well played. You got me.” He turned from the door after picking up the untouched tankard, beckoning with his tail. “You can go look for Wits End now, Navee.”

The cyan pegasus inclined her head and departed, leaving Light Patch alone in the hallway.

“Come on in, Light Sheldon. Watch out for piles of paper and such. Someone tossed my ‘friendship agreement’. I got a paper cut a few missives ago, so hold the lemon juice,” Purple Heart called over his shoulder.

A metal clang echoed through the room as Light Patch banged a hoof on his chest before half shouting, “Yes Governor-Militant!” before finally entering the room.

Purple Heart raised an eyebrow. “Really? I don’t even rank as a proper Guardspony commander?” He sighed, carefully shifting a pile of paperwork off to one side. “I can’t help but noticed a serious lack of noblepony. Did he go the way of the Wits and fall of a cliff?” Light Patch sighed heavily and finished the last of his cider in a big gulp.

“I bucked up,” Light Patch said quietly, staring at the bottom of the tankard. “It was a mind control artifact and he wanted to use it. We got in a fight that ended when we both almost got blown up by the artifact when it got caught and broken in our fight. Last I saw of Just Duty was him leaving me for dead.”

The purple earth pony’s eyebrows nearly disappeared into his mane. “Seriously? Huh... He didn’t seem like a baddie when we left Gallopilli. Think shenanigans are in play?”

Light Patch gave a short bark of laughter. “Gibbs Rule thirty six,” he began, looking up from his tankard, “‘if you think you're being played, you probably are.’ Discord is running this. I’m sure there is something going on. I just wish I knew exactly what. As for Just Duty,” the pegasus gulped, “I suspect a question I asked him causeed him to become obsessed with ridding the world of evil by any means necessary.”

“Exterminatus-style, huh?” Purple Heart sucked air through his teeth in a hiss. “Nice job breaking it, hero.” He paused for a moment, his eyebrows narrowing. “You don’t think we’re on that list of evil, do you?”

Light Patch glared at Purple Heart, “Thanks for making me feel better. It’s more of a mind domination style last I saw. As for us being on the list?” The pegasus shrugged. “Probably not yet. He did label me as ‘a coward who’s not willing to do what was needed to remove evil.’ But I’m sure when we have to stop him. We’ll be on it.”

“Sounds like it.” The purple barbarian grinned. “Three colts against one old stallion with no special powers. Almost doesn’t sound like a fair fight.” His grin widened. “Maybe we’ll have Wits hang back and commentate instead. That’ll even it up.”

“He may be old but he still remembers how to fight. If he still had his magic, I’d have been in a lot more trouble,” Light Patch replied as he rubbed his side where he’d been hit.

“Hum,” the purple barbarian hummed, flipping through a sheaf of papers. “It’d be an even greater pain if he had a ‘Diehard’ trait or whatever the carp it is that lets a paladin keep fighting even while unconscious.”

“That could only make it worse if he’s got some kind of powerful healing ability. Anyway, what have you been up to while I was under the operating axe of this world's equivalent of an Ork surgeon?” Purple Heart shuddered at the analogy.

“Welp, as you can see, I got a follower,” he said. “Navee. Apparently, there’s a cult following in the mountains that had some strange stone that would change all ponies, save unicorns, into daemon-ponies. I got captured and they tried using it on me. It didn’t work. So, they made me their leader.”

“Huh... Almost sounds more interesting than having some monster’s heart implanted into your body. But seriously, you touched a stone and they made you leader? Cults just aren’t like they used to be. They’ll make anyone leader now,” Light Patch mockingly groused.

“I did have a referral they couldn’t say no to,” Purple Heart replied. “Cults aside though, I solved the problem of missing couriers sent here.”

“Oh yeah?” Light Patch asked. “Do tell.”

“It’s your classic ‘party one has sacred land, party two builds on sacred land, parties are in a feud now’ gimmick,” the purple earth pony explained. “Hares and Ponies. The Hare Clans hold a meeting here every decade. Only problem is, Mistkawe was built here during the decade the Hares were away. I...persuaded them to agree to an equally beneficial solution for both parties.”

“Huh,” Light Patch grunted thoughtfully. “And the missing couriers?”

“Requisitioned to assist in constructing Wall Maria around the town,” Purple Heart said. “Now that the conflict is dealt with, they’ll return to Gallopilli.”

“Awesome sauce. Can’t wait for Wits End to get here so we can hear what he’s been up to,” Light Patch said as he made himself comfortable on the bed in Purple Heart’s room. “You hear anything from the mares? I was deep underground so Twilight wasn’t able to message me. Well, I think she got through once, but I was busy having a panic attack... Soooo, yeah.”

“Heh,” Purple Heart chuckled. “She called me to complain about your ‘panic attack.’ Nothing much was said though. I presume she called Wits next. Dunno what’s going on with him.”

A knock sounded on the door. Both colts turned, half expecting two more raps on the door. When it didn’t continue, Purple Heart stood.

“Aye?” he called. “Who is it?”

An unfamiliar voice sounded from beyond the doorway. “I’ve a message for one Purple Part?”

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow and blinked. “It’s Purple Heart. Not Part. I don’t even know who has that surname.”

“My apologies.” The voice made an uncertain noise. “This handwriting is terrible. I was told by a pegasus mare I could find Mr. Heart here. I bring a message from Wits End.” A short pause. “May I…come in?” Purple Heart blinked again and looked at Light Patch. Shrugging, he turned back to the door.

“Enter,” he said.

The door swung open to reveal a slender, dirty-green unicorn of indeterminate gender. The pony brushed their mane away from their eyes as they entered. “My name is Keen Palm. I came across Wits on the lower road into town.” Keen turned to the grey pegasus on the bed. “I assume you are Mr. Heart?” Purple Heart jerked, surprised by the fact that the newcomer thought Light Patch was him. The similarities with another being of...questionable gender sprang to the forefront of the purple earth pony’s mind. He shivered, shaking off the feeling as Light Patch responded.

“Light Patch actually. He’s Purple Heart,” Light Patch replied, pointing at the other pony in the room. “Half of his name is exactly what it says on the tin.”

Purple Heart cleared his throat. “Um, yeah. Me. You say you met Mr. Sarcas- ehrm, Wits on the road?”

Keen nodded. “I met him two days ago. He was having difficulty with a wounded leg, so I gave him a ride on my wagon. He spoke of his two companions at great length.” The unicorn bowed his head to Light Patch. “My apologies. You two looked so much alike.” Keen’s face took on a bemused smile. “I now see that you’re the more handsome of the two.”

For the third time in as many minutes, Purple Heart blinked. He glanced at Light Patch, meeting the surprised pegasus’ gaze. Sighing, Purple Heart turned back to address Keen Palm.

“Appearance aside,” he said, “what’s wrong with Wits? He must be in trouble to have to send a courier.”

The green unicorn shook their head sadly. “I’m afraid that Wits End, along with my wagon, has been taken by a truly terrible beast. At noon yesterday, a great dragon beset us and took my wagon with it; with Wits inside.” Keen looked back up, a hint of a tear in their eye. “He told me that he knew of no-ponies he trusted more than you two.”

“Wow, I’m kind of flattered. Now I almost feel bad about all of the carp I’ve given him at times… Almost,” Light Patch noted.

“Indeed,” Purple Heart agreed. “Makes me kinda regret all those Shoe Tucker posts. Before we got desensitized, of course. Now, what great dragon are we talking about? ‘Anacalagon class’ great? ‘Smaug class’ great? Or perhaps ‘Bowser class’ great?”

Keen raised an eyebrow. “I’m afraid I’m unfamiliar with your classification of dragons. Perhaps I could describe it for you?”

“That’s probably the best course of action,” Purple Heart mused.

“I’ll do my best, then.” The green unicorn cleared their throat. “It was clearly a female, with mighty piercing eyes like molten gold itself. A pair of horns jutted from her head like this.” Keen held their forelegs against the sides of their head like two horns curving backwards. “Her wings easily darkened the sky above us, and she was covered in many hardened scales.”

Throughout the description Light Patch listened carefully, thought and concern etched into his face, “What color was the dragon's scales?”

The barest smile crossed Keen’s lips. “Why, the brightest pink. How else would I know it was a she?”

“Rovlemhage?” Light Patch whispered to himself. Is Discord bringing characters from our own works of writing into this now?

Purple Heart blanched, recognizing the description. “Hooo dear,” he whispered, his mind travelling the same distraught paths Light Patch’s was. Clearing his throat, he looked at Keen. “What was Wits’ message?”

“Oh, it was quite simple.” Keen’s smile turned into a full-on grin as they looked out from under their bangs, one eye lit by a magical light. The light spread across the unicorn, enveloping their body before it morphed, losing height and slenderness. When the light receded, a familiar mint-colored unicorn stood in Keen Palm’s place. “Kept ya waiting, huh?” Wits End asked.

Light Patch’s mind worked overtime as it attempted to process the sudden flood of information. After a few moments he was able to string enough words together to form a sentence. “The barn staple flew the moon cheese.” After a few seconds longer and the success of the previous attempt, a further was made, it was two more after that before coherency was restored. “You’re a changeling?”

“He’s not holy enough,” Purple Heart commented, noting the lack of holes that changelings were known for. He cocked his head, thinking back to when they’d first split up on the road to Mistakwe. “Does all this,” he waved a hoof at Wits End, “have something to do with that scroll you were pouring over when we left Gallopilli?”

Wits grinned. “What, this?” The light returned and left, leaving Purple Heart looking at himself. The original Purple Heart grunted in surprise. The second purple earth pony frowned in an exaggerated fashion. “Grumble grumble, Purple Heart, king of the pirates.” A second flash brought Wits End back. “Yeah, yeah it does. And it’s awesome.” He paused as he thought. “Well, mostly awesome. I kinda made a pseudo-evil version of myself who did some stuff, but that’s all taken care of now.” He tapped his forehooves together. “That reminds me! What’s up with the bird wearing a giant monster skull downstairs?”

“Don’t look at me,” Purple Heart said, waving a hoof as he stepped back. “I arrived before the bird got it. This is my first hearing of it.”

“Long story. The short of it is I found this world's version of Ork’s with a ‘k’ and their doks hand out skulls to good patients like ours do lollipops,” Light Patch said, patting his chest. “Apparently I went through my Slime Lord heart transplant like a trooper.” He finished with a shrug and a quick clap of his hoofs.

“Sounds like-” Wits stopped and blinked. “Wait, huh? Do slimes even have hearts?” He frowned. “Wait, that sounds like the premise for a dating sim…”

Purple Heart snickered. “Perhaps the sequel to Hatoful Coltfriend? It does seem-”

“Purple, Light, Wits? We’ve got a bit of a problem...” The three colts blinked, surprised at the sudden connection.

“What sort of problem?” Light Patch questioned after the initial surprise had worn off. “We talking big ‘end of the world’ level issues? Or ‘I forgot to get the eggs for tonight's egg drop soup’ level issues?”

“...You’re not being at all amusing,” Twilight grouched.

“There ain’t nothing amusing about us,” Purple Heart retorted sarcastically.

Wits tsked. “Really? A double negative? Didn’t you just get out of pony jail for your grammar laws?”

“I’ve been having a bad day. Buzz off, Mister Palm Tree,” the purple earth pony sneered, glaring at Wits. “What’s this ‘bit of a problem’ you six are having?”

“We’re standing here in Ade-”

“That’s good.”

“Shut it, Mr. Bruise. We’re here in Ade and there’s nopony in sight. The town is deserted.”

“That is an issue. You want us to hurry over to Ade? Or do you think you six can deal with it?” Light Patch replied, looking concerned.

“What issue?” Wits countered. “Sounds like the prime time to loot all of the things. Fill your pockets with the most valuable stuff, and we can sell it to buy new villagers.”

“Or scrounge up 50 food for each ‘shee-ho’ if you like,” Purple Heart offered.

Twilight was silent for a moment. “First of all, no. Secondly, where have you been, Wits? I’ve been trying to contact you for three days!”

“Um… AFB?”

“AF- what?”

“Away From Brain.” The Mint-colored stallion quickly changed the subject. “What’s so scary about an empty town? Maybe they just left for a bit. Any signs of skullduggery or ne’erdowellship?”

“Nothing. It’s almost as if they just disappeared or like they just stopped existing,” the friendship princess described.

“Mareanda,” Purple Heart coughed.

“What?” Twilight inquired.

The purple barbarian shot a glare at Wits, who was mouthing something similar to ‘leaf on the wind’. “Nothing. I’m guessing you want us to mosey on over to provide our expert opinion of the situation, huh?”

“Yes please. And can your mosey be more like a hasteful rush?”

“We’re on the way!” Light Patch enthusiastically replied.

“Make it fast. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” With that, the connection to Twilight closed.

Wits End frowned. “She just had to say that, didn’t she.” He stretched his forelegs and turned to the door. “Well, I’ve only been walking for like 12 hours straight. Let’s go for a full 24.”

“Why didn’t you try to shift into a pegasus?” Purple Heart asked as he shoved a hoof-full of papers into a satchel, then slung it over his head onto his shoulder. “That’s what I would do. Less of a strain on your legs that way.”

The minty unicorn paused. “Because I’d have to be smart for that.” The light of transformation covered him, fading to reveal a familiar grey pegasus, complete with pink mane-fringe. “What’d you think?” the second Light Patch asked, waggling his eyebrows. “Wanna be a couple of Host Club twins?”

“Not particularly,” Light Patch replied, looking at his doppleganger, “But I guess we can give it a shot, You got the hair parting the wrong way I think.”

“Good point.” Wits Patch adjusted his mane to part in the opposite direction of the original pegasus. “Now, just one very important question.”

“Who’s Hikaru and who’s Kaoru?” Light Patch thought for a few moments, “No, wait. Is the question ‘what are we going to do tonight, Brain’?”

“No,” Wits shook his head, “but those are very good questions.” He flapped a wing experimentally. “How the heck do you use these things?”

Purple Heart chuckled, making his way to the door where Navee stood, gesturing to the cyan pegasus who shrunk down to sprite size. “Flap them, I would think,” he suggested. “Of course, don’t try to go too high. I don’t think you’d enjoy re-enacting Twilight’s First Flight sequence.” He opened the door. “Shall we be off to Ade?”

“Of course brothe-” Light Patch froze like a statue as something clicked in his mind about earlier. He turned to face his impersonator, “you flirted with me.”

Wits simply smiled, shifting back to his mint-colored form. “Welcome to the Host Club.”

Chapter 67: Now’s the time to be the strong, silent type

“So, want to hear a story?” Light Patch asked as they treked through the swamps near Ade. “How about I tell you about the time our three heroes dared to tread where the dead refused to rest, Jakob’s Cove?”

“Sure, why not?” Purple Heart sighed. “If it’ll pass the time between here and Ade, it’s fine by me.” Navee tinkled cheerily by his ear in agreement, her sprite form illuminating the murky water below.

“Hang on.” Wits End avoided one of the many muddy areas of the path, holding the ends of his robe away from the water. “Is any of this story gonna be true?”

“Yes,” Light Patch snapped back in his best Marcus impression. “Probably...most of it.” He paused for a few moments. “You're adopted,” he said quickly, looking at Wits End—eliciting a mock whine—before turning back to Navee. “Anyway, our heroes were summoned by Doctor Ned, who isn’t Doctor Zed from the other story, to assist him in saving the inhabitants of Jakob’s Cove from the dead arisen from their graves.”

With a splash and a yelp, Wits slipped into a puddle. “Gah! All of that work, ruined!” He rung his hat out with a grumble. “I swear, if this village doesn’t show up soon, I’m gonna- Oh, wait. Is that it up there?”

Purple Heart leaned around Wits’ smaller form and peered through the trees, Navee resting on his head comfortably. “It certainly looks like a village,” he commented. “Twilight did mention its lack of occupants, save themselves. Want me to toss you above the trees to get a better look?”

“I could also just fly up and check it out,” Light Patch noted, giving his wings a couple of flaps.

“I could too,” Wits muttered. “If I knew how. Who would’ve thought using an entirely new pair of limbs would be so difficult?” Light Patch raised a hoof at Wits comment.

“Flying would’ve saved your hat too,” Purple Heart mused. Navee tinkled beside him in her own amused fashion.

“Regardless!” Wits continued. “If the town really is empty, looking up ahead won’t be that useful. If there’s secret ambush ponies waiting for us, all we’d be doing is announcing our presence. Let’s just get in there as soon as possible. I get the feeling this tunic is gonna start chafing.”

Purple Heart snorted and made his way through the remaining swampland, creating a channel that the minty unicorn could walk safely through. Light Patch fluttered above, slipping around tree trunks as they stood in his way. It didn’t take long for them to escape the murky confines of the swamp and reach the main gate of Ade. They entered, Wits grumbling under his breath about his ruined clothes as they searched for the mares.

“Any idea where they might be?” Purple Heart asked, his gaze flicking from building to building. He reached into his pack and slid his gauntlet on, wanting to be ready for any unexpected encounters.

“I’ve got this.” The mint-colored unicorn took a deep breath in. “DARING DO IS A TERRIBLE ARCHEOLOGIST!” he shouted at the top of his lungs. Purple and Light blinked.

“Welp, that’s one way of finding out,” the purple earth pony mused. “May she have mercy on your sorry arse. At least some of it.”

A few seconds passed in icy silence. Then...

With a massive sonic boom, a cyan bolt rocketed down the main lane, slamming forehoof-first with Wits’ jaw and sending the two of them into the wall of a nearby shop with a crash and a comical squeak. “You take that back right now!” Rainbow Dash screamed, wrapping her hooves around the unicorn’s neck.

Wits, on the other hoof, made a weak, strangled noise that may have been intended to be the words, “found one.”

“You don’t say,” Purple Heart chuckled bemusedly. “Come now, Rainbow. He’s already squishy enough without you softening up his jaw.” Navee harrumphed and fluttered as far away from the cyan pegasus. Purple Heart ignored his irate subordinate and moved over beside the feral Rainbow Dash and tried to pry her forelegs away from Wits’ neck. His brow furrowed at his initial failure and he redoubled his efforts, this time shoving at her with his shoulder, setting his entire body weight behind it. When that failed as well, he sighed.

“Light, gimme a hoof here,” Purple Heart beseeched, looking at his gray friend. “If we don’t get her off him, he’s gonna become less useful as an asphyxiated husk of a mimic.”

Light Patch stepped up and tapped his friend on the shoulder. “I got this.” He turned to look at Rainbow Dash before he cleared his throat. “Can I get a little help here?” He asked to the surprise of the others. Suddenly, out of a nearby bush bounced Pinkie Pie, a crowbar held in hoof. Navee fluttered back behind Purple Heart’s head, hiding from the new arrival.

“You had but to ask,” Pinkie said cheerfully before swiftly sticking the crowbar between Wits’ throat and Rainbow’s hooves. With a pop, the two separated.
“You’re welcome,” the pink mare said, stowing the crowbar in her hair.

Light Patch trotted over to Wits End. “Need a quick heal, or you good?”

Wits End coughed. “Air,” he wheezed. “Air is good.” He waved a hoof as he stood back up. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” He turned to Pinkie. “So, where’s the rest of Mystery Inc.?”

“Oh, we holed up inside of what must have been the mayor’s office,” Pinkie chirped, dragging a still seething Rainbow Dash away from Wits. “Whole town is empty, not a laugh in sight. Or to be heard. It’s very quiet.”

“So we’ve noticed,” Purple Heart hummed. “A ghost town. Huh… I smell plot devices. We should probably reconvene to plan what to do next. Where’s this hole-up place you’ve inhabited?” Pinkie pulled Rainbow’s tail again and hopped down the street, dragging the mare behind her.

“This way,” the pink earth pony said cheerily. “I wanted to hide in the bakery, but Twilight said it wasn’t defensible enough. I don’t know what she’s talking about. Cakes and pies are great weapons of mass confection.”

The group followed Pinkie and the still simmering Rainbow Dash through the empty town. Light Patch’s head constantly turning and twisting to take it all in. “Figures, ” he said quietly. “We find a place perfect for Scooby Doo puns and I can’t think of anything.”

“Ooh! I’ve got one!” Wits cleared his throat. “Let’s split up, gan- Oh wait. That’s our lives.”

“I was gonna say we’d already made that one,” Light Patch replied just before Pinkie bounced through the door of a large building. The colts and the still hidden Navee followed her through to encounter Rarity fussing around a couple of curtains on the opposite side of the entrance hall.

“If I had purple flowers for this vase maybe that’d make the red of the barricade fit in better,” the fashionista muttered, unaware of the bouncing Pinkie behind her.

“Rainbow and I found the colts!” the pink mare shrieked.

With an unlady-like scream, Rarity whirled around, pulling the curtains down in the process. “Oh, it’s just you, Pinkie. Thank goodness. I do wish you wouldn’t sneak up like that.” She turned to the colts, plus one small glowing sprite. “Well, it’s about time you showed up. Twilight’s been on the verge of a fit ever since she contacted you three. Come on, then! She and the rest of our little troupe are in the main hall.”

Navee tinkled in Purple Heart’s ear as they followed the unicorn fashionista. Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at his subordinate.

“What’s got your wings in a twist?” he whispered. “Wake up on the wrong side of the pony?”

At her squeak of indignation and anger, he frowned. “You’re jealous?”

Tinkle.

“Of the Mane Six?”

Confirming tinkle.

“Why?”

No response.

“...Spill.”

Still nothing.

“Fine. Be that way. I don’t mind you not liking them, but please at least be cordial?”

Resigned tinkle.

“Thank you.”

The pair fell silent under Wits and Light’s bemused gazes as they walked into the mayor’s office. Twilight was standing by a desk that dominated the center of the room, looking at what appeared to be a map of Ade and the surrounding countryside. Applejack and Fluttershy stood on either side of her.

“The colts are here, Twilight dear,” Rarity announced.
The alicorn turned to them, smiling when she saw them. Her smile of greeting morphed into a frown of confusion at Wits hiding behind Purple Heart when Rainbow made another dash at him, only to be restrained by Light and Pinkie Pie. “Do I want to know how that happened?” She waved a hoof at the straining trio.

“He chose… poorly,” Light Patch said, struggling to hold Rainbow Dash back. “He said Daring Do was a terrible archeologist when he shoulda said that Indiana Jones was a better adventurer than Daring Do.”

“What!?” Rainbow Dash shouted, whirling angrily on the pegasus stallion.

“Sweet merciful Cthulhu,” Light Patch whispered before he was grappled by Rainbow and put in a wing lock as the mare shouted for him to take back what he’d said.

Purple Heart sighed and strode over to the wrestling pegasi, making sure to use his gauntlet enhanced hoof to pry the pair apart. “At least Daring Do didn’t get her own face copy-pasted over her own face,” he grumbled, successfully pulling Rainbow Dash off Light Patch. “I thought you’d have learned after Wits nearly got squashed.” He arched an eyebrow at Rainbow’s flailing limbs. He then turned and blinked at Twilight. “Either you restrain her somehow or I’m knocking her out. I’d prefer the former, if you don’t mind.”

Twilight nodded, eyes still wide in shock. Her magic wrapped around the cyan pegasus, pulling her away from any ponies she might be interested in punching. “I see you got your gauntlet fixed,” she noted. “Congratulations.”

Purple Heart inclined his head in acknowledgement. “Now that we’re all here and reasonably sane,” he blinked at Light Patch and Rainbow Dash before continuing, “how about we talk about why Ade is deserted?”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” Rarity agreed, walking over to where Light was getting up. “Hurry up!” She whacked him upside the head, sending him back to the floor.

“Oh come on! I didn’t even do anything to deserve that one!” Light Patch whined as he picked himself up off the ground again.

“Egging Rainbow Dash on, probably,” Wits mused, trotting out from behind his pony shield. “Of course, if it were that, she’d hit me too.” Rarity smiled evilly.

“You’re right, Mister End,” she said cheerily, smacking him upside the head. She turned to Purple Heart, eyebrow raised in question. The large purple earth pony moved into the room, edging his way around the two smacked colts.

“Hey, I just tried to break it up,” he defended. “You have fun with your curtains.”

SMACK.

“Three for three,” Light mumbled.

“Shaddup you,” Purple Heart grumbled.

“For once, it’s not me,” Wits snorted.

“In anycase,” Twilight said, glaring at the ponies around her, “we should share what we’ve managed to discover while we’ve been here. Obviously, the village is empty, I’m sure you lot have noticed that on the way in. We couldn’t even find any signs of a struggle or conflict.”

“Unlike this room,” Rarity muttered darkly as she shifted her gaze between Light Patch and Rainbow Dash.

“It’s like they all just got up and walked away. Even in the middle of things,” Pinkie chimed in cheerily, missing the small frown on Twilight's face because she’d been interrupted.

“Welcome to life after ponies,” Light Patch murmured. “Any idea how long it’s been since they got up and walked away?”

“Well, we don’t have a definite time, but,” Twilight was cut off as Rarity moved up and began talking in a huskier tone of voice.

“It wasn’t exactly easy for us, but after a bit of sleuthing, we managed to find a couple of clues as to the general time line,” Rarity said, talking and moving like she was a detective in a noir film. She missed the look of annoyance from Twilight at being interrupted again.

“All of the food was rotted away to dirt basically,” Applejack threw out.

“Spoil sport,” Rarity said quietly.

“Hum.” Purple Heart frowned. “Not a plague or there’d be at least some trace of the infected ponies… Mind control perhaps?” He looked at Light Patch curiously. “Could it be Just Duty?”

The Mane Six blinked. “What has Just Duty got to do with this?” Twilight asked, her gazing switching between the two colts.

“Suddenly I’m an expert because I almost hoofed a dangerous artifact to a dangerously motivated paladin?” The pegasus stallion bit back before thinking for a few moments. “I don’t think so though… If the food rotted away, that’d at least be several weeks or a couple of months. That would make it while he was in the capital with us, or while he was with me in the ruins.”

“So, they left of their own accord,” Applejack wondered. “Why would they leave though? This area doesn’t seem dangerous.” Purple Heart blinked.

“Oh carp,” he swore, turning to Wits and Light. “On the way to Mistakwe, I encountered a boar. It was massive, but it was also absurdly sick.”

“So?” Wits drawled. “What’s a wicked sick pig got to do with the lack of civilians here in Ade?”

“I’m getting to that,” the purple earth pony snapped. “This boar wasn’t just sick, it was infected with...something. Something alive.”

Wits arched an eyebrow. “You mean ‘burst through your chest’ alive or ‘creepy crawly’ alive?”

“I mean ‘creepy crawly kills everything it touches’ alive.” Purple Heart shuddered. “I’m pretty sure it wasn’t caused by a little metal ball, if you catch my drift.” The Mane Six and Light Patch just looked on in confusion while Wits’ eyes widened in recognition and horror.

“You’re, uh, joking, right?” he chuckled weakly. Seeing Purple Heart’s serious expression, he shook his head. “Not joking. Why is it never not joking…” Then Wits frowned. “But that wasn’t focused on ponies, just wildlife. How could that make the civilians leave? They’d at least take some sort of provisions with them instead of leaving their food to rot.”

“I’m sure I’m gonna regret this, but I haven’t got a clue what you guys are talking about,” Light Patch said. “Are we talking ‘creepy crawly’ like ‘tyranid bio weapons’?” He thought for a few moments longer. “Or is it something more like Ophiocordyceps Unilateralis?”

Everypony else in the room looked stunned either at the large word coming from the stallion or just that they didn’t know what it meant. “Ophiocordy Unialias what?” Rainbow Dash asked

“That ant fungus.” Light Patch replied

“Yeah, like that,” Wits End confirmed.

“Oh carp,” Light Patch swore, his pupils shrinking to pin points.

“So, what?” Applejack asked. “Somethin’ controllin’ the ponies of this town. Could it have somethin’ ta do with that Lady of th’ Sun Wayward was talkin’ about?”

Twilight frowned. “Maybe… this isn’t the first time we’ve dealt with a queen that can control ponies’ minds. If this is where she’s working out of, it’s possible everypony here’s under her control.”

“Hang on,” Wits interrupted. “Wayward? Like, Wayward Sun?”

“You’ve met him?” Rarity asked.

Wits weighed his options. “Yeeeees? I met him on my way to Mistakwe. He said he was coming from Lost Izalithsomethingorother. Who’s this Lady of the Sun?”

“Somepony powerful,” Twilight explained. “Apparently she showed up here a while back and took over. Wayward said her influence reaches right up to someplace called Ibuntas Pass. Sound familiar to anypony?”

“That's the capital town of Just Duty’s fief,” Light Patch replied. “What do we know about this lady of the sun?”

“That’s everything!” Pinkie cut in. “She’s spooky, mysterious, and we know nothing! Isn’t this exciting?!”

“For certain definitions of exciting,” Twilight muttered. She reached into her saddlebag, retrieving the Caverns & Cutie Marks rulebook Discord had given her at the beginning of this fiasco. “If this Lady of the Sun is as powerful as she sounds, and she’s in control of the mind control creatures, that would make her extremely dangerous.”

“She’s probably an alicorn too, what with the level of power she’s seems to have displayed,” Light Patch noted.

“Probably Discord poking fun at Celestia?” Purple Heart wondered. “But yeah, too powerful too early. I think we’d amount to a bunch of flies compared to her. Irritating to deal with, but still easy to take care of.”

“Regardless,” Twilight continued, “it would make her too dangerous for our current level, according to this. We’re only, what, level three? It’s like Discord’s jumping ahead before we’re anywhere near ready.”

Wits End coughed. “Yeah, uh, about that. I, uh, kinda learned a thing. By accident, I’m pretty sure.”

“Oh?” Applejack turned a searching look on the mint colored unicorn. “Do tell.”

“Is it super secret secrecy things?” Pinkie asked conspiratorially. “Or devilishly diabolical deeds? Spill!”

“Alright, alright.” Wits shook his head, as if to prepare himself. “Fillies, gentlecolts, and other. Allow me to introduce a close friend.” The unicorn became engulfed in light, and transformed into the slender, dark-maned pony known to the colts as Keen Palm. “Now,” the pony started, “I’m sure you’ve got a lot of questi- GWAK!”

Applejack tightened the lasso around the green unicorn, tying him up in a hogtie. “Gotcha, ya Changeling varmint! Now, what’d ya do with Wits?”

“I am Wits, you crazy cowpony! Geroff me!”

“I’m pretty sure that if you were Wits, she would,” Purple Heart offered. Twilight and the other mares stared.

“You knew about this?!” she screeched. The purple earth pony reeled back at the noise, shaking his head to clear his ears.

“Of course we did,” he retorted. “Granted, the shapeshifting we found out not long ago, but come on. We’ve known him for years. Also, if we’re on the topic if letting out secrets, I’m now Primarch of a cult.” On cue, Navee appeared in pegasus form beside her commander.

“Greetings,” she said, scowling irritably at the mares. Wits managed to scramble free of his bonds as Applejack was now dumbstruck like the rest of the mares. Pinkie Pie spoke up after a short silence, asking the most important question.

“What’s a primarch?”

* * *

“So let me get this straight.” Twilight was pacing in front of the three colts, who were seated in a line like children in the middle of a scolding. The alicorn turned to Purple Heart first. “You became the leader of a cult worshiping a powerful demon, and they think that you and it are somehow related.”

“Through some fashion of shenanigans pulled by Discord, yes, correct,” Purple Heart nodded.

Twilight moved on to Wits End, back in his mint-colored form. “You got a hold of a scroll that let you look like any of us, and the spell somehow became sentient because of Discord’s influence.”

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Wits mused. “Then again, everything with Discord is, right?”

Finally, Twilight turned to Light Patch. “And you befriended a noble, and not only got him back into adventuring, but turned him from somepony who tries to help others to one who’s obsessed with enforcing his idea of ‘right’ on the world.”

“Yea, basically,” Light Patch said with a sigh.

“I see…” Twilight paced back and forth, the other mares seated around the room as the processed the new information. “I guess there’s only one more question.” She paused, taking a moment to gather and calm herself. “ARE YOU THREE TOTALLY INCOMPETENT?” she screamed, the force blowing the three colts’ manes back like a hurricane.

Purple Heart blinked. He looked aside at his two compatriots, seeing the same blank look mirrored in their own faces. He shrugged, followed by the other two colts. They all looked at Twilight.

“Most likely,” Purple Heart offered.

“Entirely possible,” Wits conceded.
“Probably,” Light replied.

“Honestly, I’m surprised we managed to get through Gallopilli’s political minefield without some nation declaring war on us,” the purple earth pony commented. “That, or all of us getting imprisoned.”

“Certainly came close,” Wits said. He turned away for a moment. “Or worse,” he muttered.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What was that?”

“Nothing. Yes, total incompetence here.” Wits gestured at himself. “But to be fair, no-pony is dead. At least, none so far as we know or care personally about.”

“I’d like to think we’re not totally incompetent. Like Wits said, no-pony’s dead,” Light Patch noted before waving a hoof at his two friends. “And I can’t speak for these two, but I didn’t exactly wake up and ask to be whisked away by some mad god to play in his little game, along with being turned int-” A coughing fit prevented Light Patch from finishing his sentence.

“Honestly, for someone who’s never been in a life threatening situations, I’d like to think I’m doing fairly well,” he said, getting louder after his coughing fit was over. “Unlike you six, who’ve had to save the world five or so times, this is my first. I never asked to be a hero; to leave everything I ever knew to be someon- pony’s play thing for months on end,” he shouted, tears beginning to stream from his face. “So I’m sorry I’m not exactly up to a five time world saving hero’s standards!” he shouted before stomping out of the room.

The remaining ponies were silent as the sound of a door slamming was heard from the entry hall. Eventually, Wits spoke up. “Well, that got surprisingly serious all of a sudden.” He stood up and turned away. “Regardless, he’s got a point. We’re not gods or even heroes. We’re normal.” He pulled his cap on and adjusted it. “Tiny, insignificant ponies… just trying to keep up with the rest of you.” With a sigh, the unicorn followed his friend’s path out. “I’m gonna go look around town.” Out of sight, he paused for a moment. “It’s a terrible day for rain.” With that, the door closed once again

Twilight turned to the one remaining colt in the room. “Well? Anything from you?”

Purple Heart shrugged, his jaw set. “If you’re expecting a rant, you’ll be waiting for a bit. I’m saving mine up for when we meet Discord. That aside, seems you’re stuck with me.”

“Great.” Twilight sighed. “As much as I’d like to give those two some time, we’re in the middle of a potential threat’s stronghold. Who’s gonna go check on the- Pinkie?”

“Luchapink must see to defeating the unhappiness pinning Light Patch,” Pinkie said, having donned a luchador mask. “If others wish to join me in this match, speak now.”

Fluttershy stood up slowly. “I, um, should probably go with Wits End, actually. It’s not good for him to be alone like that, even if this town were, uh, completely safe.”

“Ah’ll go with ya, ‘Luchapink’. Ah think Ah can help calming him down. Ah suspect that he’s missing his family something fierce, and that's something Ah think several of us can relate to,” Applejack said, moving to join Pinkie by the door. “Unless y’all ponies got anything you need to tell us, Pinkie and Ah had better git goin’ to find him before he gets too lost.”

“Don’t prod him too much,” Purple Heart suggested. “That’s the first time I’ve seen him seriously ticked off about anything. And that’s saying a lot. Considering the numerous things he finds fault with, though that list isn’t as long or detailed as Wits’. What I’m saying is, ‘be careful’.”

“Then perhaps I should go with you, darling,” Rarity said to Fluttershy. “Besides, I’ve got my own questions for our unicorn friend.” She turned to Twilight. “What about you, darling? Any questions for Mister End?”

“I’ve got several, but I suspect that asking them might only serve to make him hide his answers harder.” Twilight finished with a sigh. “In all honesty, it’d probably be best if I avoided all three of them, but I doubt they’d let that happen,” she continued in a whisper. “For now I guess I’ll just stick with Purple Heart.”

Rainbow Dash folded her forelegs over her chest. “I’m staying here too.”

“‘Cause y’all pummel one’ve them for talking bad on Darin’ Do?” Applejack asked.

“...Yes.”

“Good call.”

Twilight swivelled to look at Purple Heart. “Anything else you want to say?”

The purple earth pony shook his head. “Not right now,” he replied. “I’m sure I’ll think of something, though.” Twilight sighed and looked to the other mares.

“Good luck with those two then,” she said. A great rustle filled the room as two thirds of the Mane Six left, leaving Twilight and Rainbow Dash alone in the mayor’s office with Purple Heart and Navee in pegasus form. Silence fell upon the room shortly after the four mares left. The remaining ponies shifted around, feeling awkward about the tension that had recently filled the room. Rainbow Dash flapped beside Twilight, eyeing Purple Heart and Navee, just daring them to make a snarky comment. Twilight was pouring over the map once again. Every so often though, she’d flick her eyes up to where Purple Heart stood with his subordinate. The purple earth pony had his eyes closed and he was swaying back and forth in thought. Navee stood beside him, switching her attention between her commander and scowling at the other two mares.

Purple Heart spoke, pulling the three mares’ attention to him.

“Navee, go gather a force from the Legion,” he ordered. “We’ll need reinforcements if this thing goes south. Knowing Discord, it likely will..” The green maned pegasus bowed her head in acknowledgement to the command, cast one more scathing look at Twilight and Rainbow, and then she trotted over to a large window. She opened it and took off, leaving Purple Heart alone with the two mares against her better judgement.

Twilight looked at the window, curious as to why Navee seemed so hostile to the Mane Six. The alicorn princess shook her head and put the thought at the back of her mind. She turned, eyeing the purple stallion, weighing a question she had been wanting to ask him since they left Gallopilli. Eventually, her curiosity won out over her conscience.

“You don’t seem too choked up about leaving Amber behind,” Twilight mused, glancing aside at Purple Heart. “Do you miss her?” A frown creased the earth pony’s brow as he lifted his head and swiveled it around to look curiously at the alicorn.

“Should I be missing her?” he asked, his voice almost innocent. The purple alicorn couldn’t help but gape in astonishment.

“Didn’t you feel anything for her?” she hissed. Rainbow Dash merely listened, curious as to where this conversation was headed. She remained silent as she hovered above the pair. Purple Heart just shrugged.

“Yeah, I did,” he murmured. “But it’s not like it matters though.”

“Not like it matters?!” Twilight snapped, scrutinizing Purple Heart with a heated glare. “Why wouldn’t it matter?!” The purple alicorn shivered when Purple Heart’s cobalt blue gaze swung around, stopping her cold.

“Haven't you even considered how they came to be?” he countered. “How any of these ponies existed? They were all created by Discord for a mere game, a diversion, entertainment for a bored god-being. None of the ponies we’ve met had lived longer than we’ve been in this world. Every single Non-Player Character we’ve met was programmed with a backstory and a personality. Amber Glitter is no different.” Twilight stared at the purple barbarian, her mouth agape while Rainbow Dash mirrored her expression perfectly. Taking the silence as a signal to continue, he did. “Have you thought to consider what will happen when this game ends?” The purple alicorn shook her head in the negative. Unconsciously, Rainbow did as well. “They’ll just disappear.” Twilight blinked and found her voice.

“Why?” she choked out.

“They’ll have served their purpose,” Purple Heart elaborated. “All they were meant to do was add flavor and texture to the world Discord created. As soon as that world is gone, so are they.” He lowered his head, his eyes dimming. “All the NPCs will disappear.” Silence fell between the three ponies. Twilight opened her mouth several times to say something but always stopped. Rainbow Dash finally spoke up.

“Are you, Wits, and Light NPCs?” she asked. Twilight stared at the bluntness of the statement.

“Rainbow Dash!” she hissed, hoping that Purple Heart would ignore the question. She hesitated upon seeing the haunted look on the purple stallion’s face. All traces of the strong, stubborn, crass earth pony were gone leaving a husk filled with fear. It was painful for Rainbow and Twilight to see. When the purple earth pony spoke, his voice was hollow, his words fearful.

“I sincerely hope not...” Purple Heart whispered.

Chapter 68: We Don't Want to Set the World on Fire

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 69: Ohhhhh my...

“I wonder how the girls are doing finding Wits and Light,” Twilight wondered, looking out a tall window at the town below.

“Quit worrying,” Purple Heart sighed, rubbing his forehead with a hoof as he poured over some papers he’d decided to work on. “They’ll be fine. Wits and Light will bounce back with no problem… I think.” Twilight turned and arched an eyebrow at the hunched earth pony.

“They’re your friends, aren’t they?” she asked. “You should know them a great deal more than I would.”

Purple Heart shrugged and moved a sheaf of papers into a different pile before going back to work. “I may know them six years more than you, but remember-” another clump of papers joined the pile. “-I’ve never seen Light that bent out of shape before. Never.”

“Hmm,” the purple alicorn hummed. “What about Wits?”

“I’ve only ever seen him rant,” Purple Heart confessed, “and that’s usually for comedic value. Seldom do we ever find a reason to be legitimately pissed off with each other. So yeah. This is new to me.” Twilight nodded, peering over Purple Heart’s shoulder at the paper strewn desk.

“What are those?” she inquired. The purple earth pony harrumphed in annoyance.

“Paper work,” he growled. “Gotta go over requisition forms as well as missives, orders, reports, and a plethora of other status updates that get sent every few days. It’s what comes with leading an organization I guess.”

“Ah… Does that make Navee your secretary?”

Purple Heart nodded his head from side to side, eyes squinting. “Eh, yeah. I guess,” he allowed. “More second-in-command then secretary really. I give orders to her, she takes them to the captains, they go down the hierarchy of command, and things get done. I’m not too worried about things getting lost in translation really. I’m more concerned with the silence.”

Twilight blinked. “Silence?” she echoed. “What do you mean by that?” She stifled a giggle when Purple Heart turned to level a deadpan look on her.

“I just usurped the command of a being that clearly wants me less than healthy,” he retorted. “I wouldn't be surprised if somepony didn't like that. I may be paranoid, but I just know that my Legion will be plunged into civil dispute over who should lead. All because of a Horsus Luperall wannabe. I mean, I do have the ‘Primarch’ prestige class. All it takes will be another Primarch to dispute my command and make things go pear shaped.”

“You’ve really gotten into a conspiracy theory, haven’t you?” Twilight asked bluntly.

“Ugh.” Purple Heart rolled his eyes and went back to his paperwork. “I guess showing you Game Theory wouldn’t be smart. But come on. You have to admit that the signs are there.”

Twilight shrugged and shared a look with Rainbow Dash. They silently agreed to move to more investigating questions.

Rainbow Dash turned to Purple Heart. “So, you guys don’t get angry all that much with each other, huh? How do you manage that?”

“We laugh at each other,” the purple barbarian replied. “That, or we get angry at the same time at the same thing. We may get mad at each other over games, but that’s all in good fun, nothing serious.”

Before anything further could be said, Light Patch burst into the room and trotted over to the desk Purple Heart was using. “Any of you fine ponies need a hoof?” he asked, looking around. “I’ve got spares.” He dropped a small bag on the desk; it rolled a little and spilled the several hooves across the desk. Pinkie bounced in, trying to hold back her laughter, and Applejack just sighed.

“That’s why you gathered those hooves? Ah thought you had them for proof?” Applejack asked, not quite scowling at the grey pegasus who just grinned back.

Purple Heart, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash blinked at the hooves in confused silence. Taking a slow inhale through the nose, Purple Heart’s eyes screwed shut and his face puckered.

“Judging by the stench, I’d say these were previously attached to zombie ponies,” the purple earth pony gasped, now breathing through his mouth. Twilight and Rainbow Dash gaped.

“Zombie ponies?!” the alicorn squeaked.

“When did those become a thing?!” Rainbow Dash cried.

“Long enough for them to have a very nice rot on them,” Light Patch said, scooping them back into his bag. “Simply marvelous.”

“How can you stand that smell?” Twilight asked, using her magic to try and freshen the air.

“Allergies,” Light Patch responded simply. “I’ve barely been able to smell a thing this entire time. But yeah, there are zombies in the town now. They shuffled in while Pinkie and I were in the middle of a very important discussion.”

“Did you see Wits, Rarity, and Fluttershy by any chance?” Purple Heart choked out, blinking up at the returned trio.

“Naw, we didn’t. But we were a little busy dealing with them zombies,” Applejack replied.

“If it helps, the zombies didn’t seem to have anything else drawing their attention, so Minty and the others probably didn’t run into them,” Pinkie chirped, grabbing the zombie hoof bag and chucking it out the nearest window.

“Awwe. I was gonna make a necklace outta them,” Light Patch moaned.

“Quit your moaning,” Purple Heart grumbled, staring at his paperwork. “I’m just going to deal with this later.” As he went about collecting the papers, he shot Twilight a look. “I think Tele-Calling Wits, Rarity, and ‘Shy would be a good idea about now. To find out where they are and if they’ve run into any zombponies yet. Or zambonis for that matter...” Twilight frowned at the Purple Barbarian in confusion, but nodded in agreement.

“We should probably gather anyway,” she agreed. “What about Navee? Will she be joining us?”

“Eventually,” Purple Heart said, his papers finally pack away in a satchel. “She’ll be back with reinforcements sometime. I’ll tell her we’re moving and to contact me when she returns.” He trotted over to a window and looked up at the sky. When he didn’t move to say anything, Rainbow coughed.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” she asked, poking the broad earth pony in the shoulder.

“Being the leader of an organization created from myself gives me some perks,” Purple Heart responded, eyes still on the sky. “I can communicate with any ponies affected by the Emerald Seed as long as they’re within a certain area. Now shush, I’m chatting.”

“Cough cough chaos emerald cough cough cough,” Light Patch whispered.

“Shaddup!” Purple Heart hissed. “I’m not Egg Colt nor am I Sanic! Buzz off!”

“It’s Doctor Robotnik!” Light Patch snapped. “In any case, while he’s over there being mental, you might as well see what you can do about getting radio… mental…. Mentadio... Yeah, Mentadio contact with Wits End, Twilight.”

Twilight gave a nod and concentrated as she cast the spell. After a few seconds the familiar pop echoed through her head as the spell connected with Wits End, Rarity and Fluttershy. “Wits? Rarity? Fluttershy? Have you run into any zombponies?”

“WHERE IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA’S HEAVENLY HINDQUARTERS HAVE YOU BEEN?” The exclamation left a ringing in Twilight’s head. “Yeah, we’ve got zombponies! We’ve got zombponies poppin’ outta the ground like freakin’ daisies! And no, we’re not all alright, because of the aforementioned FREAKIN’ ZOMBPONIES!”

“Would you be quiet?” Rarity cut in. “Twilight, we’re in a gaudy-looking clothing boutique a few blocks north of the town square. There’s a hidden entrance to a cave that leads under the town, and some rather… unwashed masses are trying to come through.”

“They’re not friendly,” Fluttershy added in.

“I believe we should join you then, post haste,” Twilight mused.

“Only if you still want us around!” Wits cried. “I’m having horrible flashbacks involving the herding of bloated individuals!”

“Hurry please, dear,” Rarity urged. “Things are getting smelly down here.”

“They’re really not friendly,” Fluttershy pleaded.

Twilight closed the connection and looked around. “It seems our friends are in a bit of a bind.”

“Zombponies found ‘em?” Applejack inquired, receiving a nod from Twilight. “Well, guess we’d better get along now.”

“Eeyup,” Purple Heart agreed, returning from the window. “Looks like I get to try out my gauntlet.” He grinned, slipping the item on his right foreleg. “Shall we away unto the breach?”

“It sounds like time to me. Shall I strike the pose?” Light Patch asked. The mares blinked at the gray stallion in confusion. Their confusion only grew when Purple Heart responded.

“Strike the pose,” the Purple Barbarian ordered.

With a nod Light Patch twirled around one hoof shoved into the air holding onto his warhammer, his head tilted back to look just slightly up. “For friends, valor, and the right to wear fine neck wear!” he shouted before galloping out of the room. Purple Heart followed close behind, bellowing a wordless roar the top of his lungs. Twilight sighed in exasperation when Pinkie barreled away, shouting ‘CAKE’ as she went.

“I’m starting to think that in terms of randomness,” Twilight groaned, breaking into a canter while Rainbow and Applejack followed shortly behind her, “Light, Purple, and Wits somehow match Discord.”

“They’re still dumber than bricks though,” Applejack pointed out.

“But we love them,” Rainbow Dash snickered. “Sometimes...” The three mares chortled in amusement as they left the town center, turning north to follow after the three crazy ponies and to save the rest of their friends.

* * *

Just Duty put down the piece of armor he’d finished polishing and moved to the next. He could have been done with this hours ago, but any excuse to be away from them. A small bitter laugh escaped his lips as he thought about his ‘companions.’ Bael, a demon: the one thing paladins dreamed of vanquishing; beings of evil, of hate, of greed and every other sin. And yet, of the two, he was the one he could stand the longest. Perhaps because all of his hate, his being, and everything was focused on just one pony. Holdfast was a tyrant in the making, and Just Duty was sure that his hasty departure from the capital that night had something to do with it. He despised his cold and uncaring ways; the alien thought that power should only be used for oneself, and not others.

And yet is that not what you’re doing? a nagging voice asked from the depths of the old paladin’s mind. Are you not doing this for power that would put you on top, the king of the world as it were?

“I am not looking to become a king. I am looking to extinguish evil,” he muttered to the warped reflection in the armor he held.

Evil like the kind you work with? He snorted and began cleaning the plate. Evil that you tolerate?

“I do not tolerate them,” he murmured, dealing with a patch of rust.

Then why are they not dead? the voice asked.

“Because I need them. Despised as I am to admit it, I need them, and they need me,” he bit out. “But once the power is mine...”

You’ll stoop to their level, the voice accused.

Just Duty froze at the voice’s accusation, pain etched into his expression as he sighed before answering. “Yes… I will stoop to their level,” he replied. “I will sink to their level and stab them in the back. Destroy them with the very power they helped me acquire. I would offer Holdfast the chance to repent, but his answer is already more than apparent. But, the ends justify the means,” he replied resolutely, glaring at the warped reflection for a few moments before resuming his work.

Oh, does it now? the voice, now wearing the sound of his old mentor, asked after a short silence.

“Is that not what you taught me, Justified Means? That at times, small evils must be done for greater good? That I can never save them all, so I must save those I can. I still remember the other thing you taught me: the lesson that the rest of the order would have been furious over had they known about. You told me that not all would thank me, that not all who I help will thank me for stopping them, for saving them. Some will hate me and some will despise me. They’ll say I ruined their lives, not made it better. And that for a short while, their words might be true. But eventually it will get better,” Just Duty replied.

So removing choice is a small evil while forcing your will on others is acceptable for the greater good, the voice retorted, now mimicking Light Patch.
Just Duty squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep steadying breath. “I am removing a choice that shouldn't have been given in the first place. I am not removing the choice for a pony to be happy or live a good life,” Just Duty said, steel in his voice as he looked at the slightly warped reflection in the armor. “I am not removing the correct answer; just the wrong one,” Just Duty muttered, wiping away the last of the cleaning solution so he could begin on polishing the armor.

And your incorruptible leadership will lead us to a utopia, the voice quietly nagged. Just Duty snorted and clenched his jaw before sighing deeply.

“If there is one thing I have learned in politics, it’s that nothing is incorruptible, not even me. But if there is one thing that still sticks with me from my paladin training, is my defences against it. In time, even they shall crumble, and the tides of politics have already done their number. But yes, eventually, with time, I will fall to the corruptive influence of power. Which is why I do not plan to hold it forever; eventually the guiding of my will shall no longer be needed. Ponies- nay, all beings in creation will no longer need me to make sure they chose correctly. And at that time, I will cast away my power,” Just Duty resolutely promised to the perfect reflection in the armor he held. With a new resolve, Just Duty set down the piece of armor and moved to the next.

* * *

“I’m getting too old for this.” Wits bashed yet another zombpony in the jaw with the butt of his lance, knocking it back into the cavern. What had started as a trickle of undead had turned into a wave as the three ponies held their position. A large ex-earth pony stumbled over the makeshift barricade of clothing racks, breaking a hole open in the process. With a groan, Wits swung the shaft of his weapon like a bat, forcing the redead away. “Rarity! More barriers, if you please!”

Another amalgam of wood slid into place, secured in place by ropes made of torn clothing. “This is hardly easy for me, you know,” Rarity said, tying together another barrier. “What could possibly be taking them so long?”

“Maybe one of them got jockey’d,” Wits muttered. He glanced back to check on the state of the shop. They were running out of materials to slow the advancing horde; all that was left were piles of clothing. Neatly folded piles of clothing… “Are you saving those clothes?”

“Even in a place like this, there’s still some diamonds in the rough.” Rarity flipped her mane, setting another folded dress aside. “I plan on keeping these for later.”

“We’re running out of later!” the mint-colored unicorn exclaimed, his voice squeaking in exasperation. “Fluttershy, please tell me you have good news!”

Fluttershy was stationed just outside the door. She had two jobs. One was to keep an eye out for the rest of the party, which would be considered good news. The other was to keep an eye out for more zombified ponies. That would not be considered good news. One of her summoned birds came to land in front of her, peeping excitedly. “They’ve seen something!” Fluttershy translated.

“Is it them?”

Another round of peeping. “Several ponies, close by.” The pegasus frowned. “He says two of them were shouting at the top of their lungs,” Fluttershy said. “What does ‘waaaugh!’ mean?”

Wits sighed, backhoofing a sickly-looking pegasus. “That’s them alright.”

“WAAAAGH!” Light Patch shouted as he jumped into the front line of zombies, swinging his warhammer to knock several back. Reviving vines under the grey pegasus’ command crept from the earth to slow the lot down the undead.

“Words, motherquackers! Do you speak them?!” Purple Heart snapped, bowling through a group of zombponies. His response were several squeals of pain masking numerous groans of denial. “I didn’t think so! MEH YOU!”

“Shouldn’t that be ‘do you quack them’?” Light Patch wondered aloud as he fell back next to Wits End and Rarity. “How you three holding up? Any heals needed?”

Wits patted himself down. “Surprisingly unharmed. I know better than to get hit by a zombie, it seems.” He looked the grey pegasus over. “How about you? You over your dramas? ‘Cause we got a bit of an apocalypse to deal with.”

“We’ve go too many ponies for that kind of apocalypse, thankfully,” Purple Heart called over his shoulder as he held a considerable number of zombponies at bay with a hoof. “As for drama, I’m saving my rant for whenever we see Discord again. I’ve got a word or two to hurl at him.”

“So you could say we’ve cancelled the apocalypse?” Light Patch asked grinning like a moron.

“You could say that, yes.” Wits End turned to Twilight. “You’ve got the Area of Effect stuff. Think you could take care of that?” He waved a hoof at the wall of zombponies working their way up from the caves below.

“I can make it easier for the rest of you,” Twilight said with a nod, aiming her horn at the entrance. “Cone of Cold!” A spray of light shot forth, covering the horde with a layer of frost and slowing them to a near standstill. “If you wanted to hit them, now’s the time!”

“Don’t mind if I do!” Purple Heart cheered, kicking the last of the group he’d been warding off away. He spun around and charged for the frozen zombponies. He torqued his torso, wound up his right foreleg, and let fly.

The frozen zombponies disintegrated into minuscule shards of ice, completely pulverized from the force of the shock wave that pulsed from the gauntlet around Purple Heart’s right foreleg. The pulse continued onward, as the frozen obstacles hadn’t even lessened the strength of the physical attack. The nine ponies stared as the back of the boutique shattered, leaving bits of lumber in the pulse’s wake.

Where had once been a veritable wave of zombponies frozen in their ascent from caves below, there was now rubble and ruin.

As well as a slightly bigger cavern opening.

Purple Heart blinked, his hoof still extended in the strike he’d made. His eyes fell on the gauntlet around his right foreleg and his face went blank, almost comically so. With great deliberation, he turned around to face the dumbstruck ponies behind him. Upon seeing Purple Heart’s expression and recognizing it for what it was, Wits End groaned, placing a hoof over his face.

“Great,” he muttered. “This adventure just got a lot more difficult.”

“Why d’ya say that?” Applejack asked. “Looks like th’ opposite ta me.”

“I’m missing something again, aren’t I?” Light Patch asked. Wits End simply pointed at Purple Heart.

“Watch and learn,” he whisper in mock wonder. The Mane Six turned to look at the purple earth pony. He stood there, face blank, eyes simple half circles with a solitary dot for a pupil, his mouth a short horizontal line. Then he spoke.
In a bored monotone.

“I am One Punch Stallion,” he declared. “I’m an adventurer for fun.” He looked to Light Patch. “Come, Genos. We must see see if we can still get that sale at the grocery store.”

“I really should get around to watching that,” Light Patch muttered. “Not that it wasn’t impressive, but does it seem to anypony else that it was a bit too effective?”

Wits shrugged. “It’s tough to tell when it comes to our friend of the megaton punch. What’d you think, Saitamare?” He made face and a gagging noise. “Oh, ew. I breathed some of it in.”

Purple Heart shuddered and blinked, his face returning to normal. “Well,” he coughed, “that was an experience. It seems I have an ungodly cool down time for that thing. Yeesh, I’m not surprised.”

“Oh?” The mint-colored stallion’s expression changed, his eyebrows raising as an insufferable grin spread over his face as he looked at the frozen, powderized remains settling around them. “A cool down?”

Light Patch groaned in emotional agony as he continued scooping some of the frozen zombie remains into a bag. “Spend the next use of that on him.”

Purple Heart’s blank stare shifted away from the minty colt. “I make no promises,” the Purple Barbarian mumbled. “But I’ll certainly keep that course of action in mind.”

Twilight cleared her throat of the zero percent water zombpony remains and glared at the three colts. “If you’re quite done,” she snapped, “what did you find, Rarity?”

The purple-maned fashionista prodded one of the few semi-intact pieces of clothing that hadn’t gone with the blastwave. “Well, I had a rather nice collection of tunics and dresses…” She sighed, pushing the scraps away. “It seems this sleepy little town has some secrets hidden behind its walls. The tunnel looks like it goes down for quite some way.” She trotted over to the cave entrance, sniffing the air. “No gemstones. It must be pony-made.”

“Definitely pony-made and recent enough for there to still be a lot of rough and sharp edges. Well, that or there just isn’t enough force of erosion here to smooth it out,” Light Patch said, peeking into the cave as he finished tying up the second bag of frozen zombie dust.

Applejack stepped up to stand next to the two ponies. “Ah might not know much ‘bout caves,” she said, “but Ah think we found where the townsponies went.”

“Looks suspiciously like a dungeon crawl to me,” Wits added. “Well? Into the blackness?”

“Again we go, unto the breach,” Purple Heart mused, gesturing with a hoof. “I’ll take point, mares after, if you please.” The purple earth pony trotted forward and descended into the cavern.

“Right,” Twilight said, “Rarity and I can take the middle, Fluttershy and Dash behind us, Pinkie and Applejack behind Purple Heart. You two guard the rear.” She pointed at the two remaining colts. “With any luck, it’ll widen out further in.”

Applejack turned to look at Wits End. “Y’all better not spend too much time watching the wrong rear ends. Got it?” She looked at Light Patch, “That goes fer you two.” She hid her grin by turning away to line up behind Purple Heart.

Wits End looked at Light Patch. “What’d you think she meant by that?” he asked, his face the very image of innocence.

“I’ll tell you when you're older,” Light Patch said, mussing his friend’s mane, trying to hide his embarrassment.

“Enough banter, let’s go!” Purple Heart barked from the front. “This is our Obligatory Dungeon Crawl and we’re gonna enjoy it, gosh darnit!”

Wits stepped in line behind the rest of the mares. “How long do you think it’ll be until we run into a Zubat?”

“Not soon enough,” Light Patch replied. “I love those things, so freaking adorable.”

“Uhm… What’s a Zubat? If you don’t mind explaining that is,” Fluttershy asked, looking back at Wits End.

Wits End sighed and shook his head. “Alright. Cave story time.”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Light Patch, Wits End

Chapter 70: They Delved Too Deep

“And that is why Zubats, cute as they may be, are the spawn of Tartarus itself, and a force to be both despised and feared.” Wits End finished his explanation with a nod.

“Spawn of Tartarus? Maybe. Feared? Undoubtedly. Despised... I think you’re going a little far,” Light Patch replied.

“I’m sure they don’t mean to be such a nuisance.” Fluttershy quietly added.

“The little flying rats matter a great deal to those two,” Purple Heart called from the front. “I never really got into that fandom to care much.”

“What’s a ‘fandom’ you’ve gotten really into?” Rainbow asked from the middle.

“Pirates,” Purple Heart replied immediately. “Gotta love them rubbery captains with no idea what ‘quit’ means. I’m also partial to Stargate, Firefly, Underta- Wait, gotta finish that first…Oh, I did. And overdramatic animated sportsball. That’s fun too. NYEH HEH HEH!”

“Finish the game before you say that,” Wits said, tossing a small stone at the back of the purple stallion’s skull. “Ya bonehead.”

“But I did,” the purple earth pony mumbled, rubbing the back of his head.

Rarity cleared her throat. “Not to interrupt this fascinating conversation, but shouldn’t we be worried about how far down this tunnel is going? We’ve been walking for quite some time without seeing a single pony. Not even any of those zombified ponies.”

“Maybe there’s something else down here,” Wits said. “Like friendly little yellow flowers.” He began humming a simple 4-note tune with a smile on his face.

“It’d better not be him.” Purple Heart muttered darkly.

“Could also be Mole Knight. I wouldn’t mind some dust knuckles. I just hope we aren’t going into a Shmups inspired area. We’d better not run into Dobkeratops,” Light Patch threw out.

“Do we wanna know what a ‘shmups’ would be like, or who this Dobkero-whoever is?” Applejack asked.

“Dobkeratops. And no, you probably don’t wanna hear about it. As for the shmups levels, caverns usually lead to some kind of ice or lava area. Then that leads to a high tech area, which then becomes living walls, and finally leads to a giant brain. Sometimes with floating eyes,” Light Patch quickly summed up.

“Which is known as Glowey Eye McWeak-to-Arrows,” Purple Heart commented.

“In any case, we should consider ourselves lucky we haven’t had to fight. We don’t have the room to use our numbers effectively,” Twilight said to keep the conversation on track. “Purple Heart? See anything up ahead?”

“My colt eyes see nothing!” Purple Heart responded. “I can however see that the walls are changing to be smoother as if somepony put a lot of meticulous effort into carving out this tunnel.”

“Hum,” Twilight mused. “Right.”

“Um, how are you two in the back? Anything one of you wants to say? If you don’t mind me asking. I’m not trying to be too pushy, am I?” Fluttershy asked.

Wits shook his head. “Not at all. I’m enjoying the vibrating rainbow.” He saw the pointed look on the cream-colored pegasus. “Oh. The thing?” She nodded. “Are you sure?” Another nod. “I mean, there’s probably better times for the thing than now-”

“What in the world are you rambling about now?” Twilight interrupted. “Do you have something to say or not?”

“Um… Kinda, sorta, maybe?” The mint-colored stallion swallowed hard as the assembled mares turned to watch him. “So, uh, I kinda did a thing while we were in Roania.”

“What kind of thing?” Light Patch asked looking critically at his friend.

“Nothing big,” Wits said quickly. “Just, um.” He coughed. “Kinda got blackmailed to assassinate Amber Glitter a little bit.” He paused for a second. “And it might have been because otherwise Holdfast would’ve horribly mutilated you all. Just a bit.”

“Huh. Did you win?” Light Patch asked, only to be hit by Rarity. “Okay, okay. Still though, next time I need a pony dead, I’m gonna have to find someone else. You kind of suck as a hitpony an-” Light Patch was hit again by Rarity, but this time remained silent.

Twilight teleported to get right in Wits End’s face. “All of that was happening and you didn’t tell us!” She yelled.

“I mean, obviously I didn’t tell you, ‘cause if I did you’d know before now.” The unicorn stallion was rambling now. “And, to be fair, I did tell Fluttershy, so it’s not so much that I didn’t tell you all so much as I didn’t tell select members of the group. Select members that comprised of most of the group, really. And Fluttershy told Rarity, so that’s like 2/9ths of the group right there! Practically half! Besides, I practically got Amber Glitter on the throne, which is almost the exact opposite of assassinating her, so-”

“You did what now?” Purple Heart raised an eyebrow. “Amber Glitter had a claim on the throne because of her lineage.”

“And to support that claim, she needed ponies on her side,” Wits replied. He started counting off on his hooves. “A champion popular with the people, a member of the nobility to support her claim, and some way to get the throne empty. Sound familiar?”

“Like about half of every fantasy story, a good third of most anime, more than a hoof ful of video games, and probably a couple of points of history,” Light Patch monotonously listed off.

“Okay, point made,” Purple Heart grumbled, eyeing Wits End. “But how come you were able to play Holdfast like that? Aside from being sneaky? Being told to assassinate a mare and instead turning around and supporting her claim to the throne? You’re a gutsy little guy.”

“Gutsy’s one word for it,” Applejack said. “Ah’d call it ‘bout as smart as goin’ applebuckin’ in th’ middle o’ winter in yer skivvies.”

“Holdfast thought he was the smartest one in the room,” Wits explained. “I played the part of somepony just smart enough to be manipulated by him, and let him keep his hooves out of it.”

“Welp, is he still alive and kicking?” Purple Heart asked. When Wits nodded in the affirmative, the purple earth pony rubbed at his face. “You’re going to have to be extra careful now. I wouldn’t put it past Discord to not make Holdfast hold a grudge against you.”

“I agree,” Rarity chimed. “You embarrassed him at his own game. He can’t be happy about that.”

Twilight turned to glare at Light Patch who looked relatively uninterested in all of this. “Why are you and Purple Heart taking this so calmly! He’s just admitted that he’d hidden a situation that if it had gone wrong could have been disastrous for all of us! We could be dead by now!”

“I can’t speak for Purple Heart, but I trust Wits End. Yeah, I’m a little upset he didn’t clue me into a possible maiming, but if I needed something done sneakily I’d give it to him. I’m too nice to be stealthy. I’m like Gork...” Light Patch trailed off in thought, “Or is that Mork? Either way, I’m like which ever one of them it is what’ll stab you in the front. He’s a good friend, and I’ve known him for years. If he thought I’d needed to know about it, he’d tell me when I needed to know.”

Wits cleared his throat again. “Actually, I didn’t tell you ‘cause I was worried you might’ve outright told him what was going on. Or befriended him. That was a very real concern in telling both you and Pinkie.”

Light Patch raised an eyebrow as he looked at Wits End. “Befriend him? Oh please. I’da probably just shoved the old coot off the nearest balcony.”

Rainbow Dash made a scoffing noise. “Yeah. When was the last time you befriended somepony who turned out to be super evil, right?”

Light Patch frowned and turned to look Rainbow Dash. “In my defence, I didn’t know he was gonna turn evil,” he muttered darkly. “Besides, look who's talking, Miss Gryphon.”

The rainbow maned pegasus bristled in indignation. “Gilda got better! She may not be perfect, but she isn’t cruel and rude now!”

“Only after you had angsted her into being nicer after she kept bashing on Fluttershy,” Purple Heart retorted scathingly. Rainbow Dash tensed, teeth grinding as she restrained the urge to attack the purple earth pony.

“Enough you two. Witty’s got more he wants to say.” Pinkie said. She motioned for Wits End to continue.

“I mean, this is pretty entertaining on its own, but… As for the rest of you.” Wits started off by pointing to Rainbow Dash and Purple Heart. “You two would’ve straight up punched him in the face.” He moved to Twilight and Applejack. “And you two would’ve given the whole plan away by being too specific in your denials.”

“And why didn’t you tell me?” Rarity asked.

Wits made a sound like a dainty woodland creature fainting, followed by falling to the ground with all the grace of a felled rhino.

Rarity’s mouth formed a thin line as she looked over the stallion’s performance. “I see…”

Twilight glared at the mint colored unicorn for a few seconds before snorting and pushing past Purple Heart. “What else haven’t you told us? Is there anything else you’d like to tell us, possibly even from before Discord brought you in on this little game.”

“Twilight, I don’t think this is the place for this. Perhaps we should save this conversation for later, when we’re in a better place for it?” Rarity said, looking around at the cave; more specifically the fact that the mares were surrounded by the colts. Not that I’m terribly concerned it would go that far, but still better safe than sorry, she thought.

“Yeah, let’s save the worry concern for later!” Pinkie Pie chirped, smiling widely. “We’ve got more cavern to explore! Let’s enjoy ourselves!”

“Finally, somepony who loves a good dungeon crawl!” Purple Heart cheered. “Onwards, mein Pinken fruend! For glory, lootings, and Talvisota!” The two earth ponies sped into a swift trot that carried them further into the tunnel system.

The mares and two colts blinked before resignedly following after.

“What’s Talvisota?” Fluttershy asked.

* * *

“What’s in these crates, then?” The armored town guard looked over the wagon full of identical wooden crates; each one unmarked, unlabelled, and surprisingly heavy for their size.

The hooded merchant shook his head. “Under orders not to say,” he muttered.

“Under orders?” The guard sneered from under his full plate. “E’ery day, we get some merchant like you. Says they’ve got a shipment to go directly to Mister Stalwart’s factories, and can’t say what’s in them. I say you ain’t comin’ in ‘til you open one of these up.”

Under the shadow of his hood, the merchant paled. “Mister Stalwart said-”

“Mister Stalwart ain’t the mayor of this town, merchant,” the guard growled, the glow of his magic wrapping around his spear. “And nothin’ comes into Ibnutas Pass on my watch that ain’t declared. Now, open one of these crates or stand aside.”

“Mister Stalwart was very clear that no-pony-”

“Did somepony say my name?”

The guard turned. An older, snow-white stallion stood a few steps away, wrapped in a fine cloak. “Mister Stalwart,” the guard said with a short bow, “you’ve got to understand that Lord Just Duty can’t allow unknown crates into town like this.”

“Oh, of course, of course.” The snow-white stallion limped forward to stand next to the crate. “We wouldn’t want to do anything without Just Duty’s permission.” He smiled; an action that did not reach his eyes. “Which is why I have written permission from him to exempt my goods from any searches.” He produced a rolled scroll, offering it to the guard.

“What?” The guardspony took the scroll, taking note of the split in the stallion’s hoof. If not for the roughness of what was obviously a wound, it almost seemed like it would have belonged to a donkey, or some other cloven-hooved creature. Putting those thoughts aside, he unrolled the scroll and examined it. “This is Lord Just Duty’s seal…”

The stallion smiled again. “See? The good baron knows what’s good for his people.” His smile turned wicked as it widened. “Which is why he allowed me free rein in my business here.” He tapped his split hoof against the guard’s cuirass. “And why you will let not only this good merchant, but any others with orders from me. Understood?

The guardspony grit his teeth. “And your workshops are for the good of Ibnutas Pass as well, Mister Stalwart? The ponies working from sunrise to sunset? Belching their smoke into the sky at the edge of town?”

“No-pony works in my factories against their will,” the stallion replied. “Ask them yourself. Every one of them will say so. And those same factories have put Ibnutas Pass on the map of Roania as a manufacturing center, and produced that armor you’re wearing right now.” He turned away and began walking away. “So when you tell your fellows to also let my merchants through, you can be sure to thank me for insuring you also have jobs.” The snow-white stallion looked over his shoulder. “Your baron may rule this town, but I own it, guardspony. Remember that.”

Holdfast smiled to himself as he heard the guardspony pass the merchant through behind him. Just Duty had set him up as business-owner by the name as Stalwart Hold. Not the name I’d choose for myself, he thought as he limped back toward his office, but I’ll admit his naming sense is fitting enough. A shame I must work with an alias at all, however.

His expression soured as he thought back on the reason he was banished to this formerly little town. Wits End, he thought with a snarl. If it had been anypony else, he would have been intrigued by how quickly they had fallen from power.

But it wasn’t anypony else. In a few short days, the power he had built up over his lifetime—earned with the blood on a knife and the sweat on a brow—had been taken away from him by just one colt. A colt he had sworn was under his complete control, but had instead played him like a fool. And on top of that, the colt had the nerve to mark him was a maimed leg

In an instant, the great chancellor of Roania had gone from the potential ruler of a kingdom, to a simple conquest by a pony less than a third his age. Instead of by his power, Holdfast had become defined by his failure.

“Defined by that colt,” he growled, slamming the building door shut behind him. “Well, that won’t last long.” He looked out at the vast building floor, and the rows upon rows of armor that stood like silent soldiers. Soon enough, he would exact his revenge. He would return to power. And he would hold that power.

He would hold it fast.

* * *

The group paused and looked at the door before them. They stood in a widened area, looking through the entrance carved into the wall of the underground structure. Light Patch peered through the doorway and then back at the cave they’d walked through.

“And so here we are, our first proper dungeon, only… Something about this doesn’t feel right.” He noted again looking between the room through the door.

“Agreed.” Purple Heart noted looking skeptical.

“So now you two can detect traps as well?” Twilight muttered.

“He is a barbarian,” Wits added. “That’s one of their class features.”

“No, not like we’re walking into a trap. More like...” Light Patch trailed off trying to find the right words.

“Like we’re not supposed to be seeing this yet,” Wits End said, stepping forward.

“I think they’re right, girls. If you look through the doorway, it looks like a proper entrance. But then all of this looks like it was carved out. Why would anypony poorly dig a tunnel like this,” Rarity said, motioning to where they’d come from and the small wide area they gathered in, “only to build a facility this nice, and not make the cave with the same level of standard while digging it?”

“And yet this opening is perfectly smooth all around it. Like it was built that way,” Purple Heart mused, tracing a hoof along the inside.

“It’s almost like Discord had something else planned for this entrance and then changed his mind last minute.” Twilight said, distracted from her sulk.

“Also, doesn’t this feel way too important for us to have encountered so early?” Wits End threw out. “Secret tunnels and zombie hordes sound like mid-to-end level stuff to me.”

“Almost like someone should shoot through two holes and insta-crit the boss, hm?” Purple Heart jibed, grinning cheekily at the mint unicorn.

Wits End shot an unamused glare at the purple earth pony, his eyes narrowed. “You stop that. We’ve got more important things to worry about, tree kisser.” Ignoring Purple Heart’s sputtering, Wits eyed the finely crafted opening critically.

“Seeing as this is the only path before us,” Wits End sighed, “I suggest that we keep the One Punch Stallion in front and proceed with caution.” With a snigger, he began muttering something about ‘Clerics in the back, Wizards in the middle, and keeping an eye on Rogues’.

“Seconded, send the tank in first. Go get ‘em,” Light Patch said, patting his purple friend on the side. “I’ll follow you in if it makes you feel better, just make sure you meat shield for me in case something big comes through those doors, or slimes.”

“Go get ‘em, big guy,” Applejack urged, smiling snarkily at Purple Heart as the rest of the Mane Six announced their support for the plan. The Purple Barbarian scowled but took point all the same, leading the group slowly but surely into the room. The cavern beyond was shrouded in darkness and heavy shadows, making it difficult for the ponies to discern any significant details or attributes of the room easily.

“Ah can’t see a thing,” Applejack groaned. “Anypony got a torch or somethin’ ta light up this place?”

“Ooh, ooh! I do have something! I picked it up while we were back in town. One of the first things I did after the first cavern I had to crawl through,” Light Patch said, going around in circles as he dug through his gear. “Ah hah! Behold A star’inna jar!” Light Patch cheered, pulling out a jar of dust. “Uh, my star seems of have nova’d. Okay who got iron in my star?” He shook the jar a couple of times before putting it away. “I’ve got a jar of non light producing dirt. Twilight, Pinkie, one of you are up.”

With a giggle, Pinkie dug around in her mane to pull nine already lit torches into view and passed them out. “There! Now we can see the whole room! Oh wowie! Look at that door, it’s so shiny,” she giggled, bouncing over to the door.

“Yeah, let’s bounce over to the inexplicably shiny door,” Purple Heart mumbled, eyeing the door as if it was some trap waiting to be sprung. “Keep aware. I have a feeling things are going to get very interesting.”

Pinkie reached the door and knocked twice on its shining metallic surface. “Hello? Anypony home?”

Wits End trotted up to the door. “I see!” He exclaimed, putting his forehooves on its surface. “My theory of Pony Transmutation wasn’t wrong… It can be done! It’s possible! It’s still just missing something!” He dropped back down. “Or it’s just a door we can’t get into yet.” He turned and leaned against the door with a sigh.

“Should you be doing that?” Rarity asked. “Somepony could be listening on the other side.”

“Relax, fashion pony. I know my Legend of Green Tunic games. This door won’t open until we find a key of some sort. Until then, we’re perfectly fi-”

The mint-colored stallion blinked in surprise as his support disappeared with the door’s opening, leaving him falling forward towards the ground. He caught himself before he could fall through, facing the darkness beyond. Before anypony could react, innumerable shadowy black tentacles reached through and grabbed the closest pony: Wits End. With an undignified yelp, the unicorn found himself pulled through the door, which swiftly closed behind him with a clang. All that was left was a room full of stunned ponies and a completely sealed door.

Silence filled the cavern after Wits End disappeared. The remaining ponies stood there, gaping at the door in surprise. The silence was broken quickly by Purple Heart.

“NO!” he cried, kicking at the door and bashing it with his shoulder. “I’m not losing a friend so soon after getting them back! I refuse!” He reared back with his gauntlet clad leg. He whipped his hoof forward and struck the door again. The entire tunnel shivered upon impact and the gong tone sounded. The door remained unharmed as did the tunnel itself.

“GAAAH~!” Purple Heart roared, eyes bright with fury at the door and fear for his friend. He struck the door again and again and again, each impact just as ineffective as the first. Light patch finally snapped out of his own stunned silence and joined his friend in pounding on the door using his hammer and combat magic, even setting his revived vines to split or tear at the door. Eventually, the rest of the group joined in, using everything and anything they had to assault the door. After what felt like years, the group lay or sat in front of the obstacle, completely exhausted from their failed efforts to open the door. Not even a dent or scratch had been inflicted from their time sieging it.

The large metal door creaked open once again, slowly this time and only on one side. A small creature with a red spotted hat peeked around the edge of the door. When it spoke, its ridiculously high pitched voice swiftly ground Purple Heart’s nerves to nothing.

“Sorry!” the little creature cried, “but your princess is in another castle!” Its piece said, it disappeared and the door slammed shut. The clang of a bolt slamming shut sounded from the other side of the door. The ponies blinked at the door on confusion. Purple Heart’s groan of irritation brought the mares’ attention to him.

“CARP YOU, TOAD!” the Purple Barbarian roared, slamming a hoof against the door again.

“If we run into koopas, I’d better to get steal one of their airships at the end of all this,” Light Patch muttered darkly. “So far, Discord has played relatively fair and not done any straight insta-deaths, or put any major time limits on us. As long as we can find a way deeper into this place we should be able to save him,” Light Patch said louder for the others to hear.

“If I had enough strength left,” Purple Heart wheezed, “I’d make a hole in a wall and go around the door. As it is now, I think we’ll have to find a different tunnel entrance on the surface.”

“Hey, guys,” Pinkie said, her eyes fixed on a chain by the door. “Do you think this would open the door?”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try,” Applejack pointed out.

“We might as well,” Rarity agreed.

The rest of the group weakly nodded for Pinkie to pull the chain. When she did, the floor opened up beneath them. Recognition flashed briefly in their eyes before they started screaming in surprise as they fell down the hole. It wasn’t a straight fall. The hole began to slant like a slide and they sped downwards, still screaming. After some seconds of screaming and chortling laughter, they found themselves in a heap on a hard stone floor.

“You were wrong, Applejack,” Purple Heart groaned from the bottom of the pile. “It did hurt to try. Now, geroff me!”

“Whose tail is in my mouth?” Light Patch asked as best as he could while simultaneously trying to spit said tail out and keep it out.

“That would be mine,” Rarity sniffed, pulling her tail away with a slightly grossed out look as she tried to dry and restyle her tail.

“Right,” Light Patch said finally free from being at the bottom of the pile. “Every pony who’s dead sound off.” A chorus of groans echoed back along with a few giggles.

“That was fun, let's do it again!” Pinkie cheered bouncing in place.

“Let's not and say we did,” Light Patch replied quickly.

“I concur,” Purple Heart agreed. “We have a ‘princess’ to save and it’d be best to do so with haste.”

“Okay, you two obviously have some experience with this kind of thing,” Twilight pointed out. “Any explanation for it? Or perhaps a forward course of action deeper into the tunnels?”

“And why did that thing call Wits End a princess?” Rainbow Dash asked.

While the rest of the group was focused on the two colts, Rarity and Fluttershy glanced at each other. “Um… the princess thing actually might be something Rarity and I know,” Fluttershy said timidly, raising a hoof to garner attention. “But I don’t know about the cute little creature that talked to us.”

Light Patch and Purple Heart looked between each other before it was silently agreed that Light Patch would get the dubious honor of explaining. With a sigh, he stepped forward and cleared his throat.

“Now, this is a story all about how a plumber’s life got twist-turned all upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, so just sit right the-” Light Patch’s song was interrupted before it could even begin by a purple hoof in his mouth.

“No singing!” Purple Heart snapped, “or I’ll make you build the fifth swamp castle alone.”

“Fine,” Light Patch sighed before he started to explain to the mares the history between the Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Kingdom.

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Purple Heart, Wits End

If you didn't already know, there was an upload to the Companion Stories last week. Go look at it. I had fun writing it. [PH]

Chapter 71: Princess Witstang is in Another Castle!

“Wake up, my little pony,” a voice purred in the darkness. “Wake up, my princess.”

Wits End groaned, flopping one foreleg over his face in an attempt to block out the flickering sunlight trying to stab through his eyelids. “I dun wanna go t’ work t’day,” he muttered sleepily. “I wanna play vidya games…” He forced one eye open, peering from beneath his fetlocks at his surroundings.

It took a moment, but the mint-colored stallion soon realized that the sun was not, in fact, the sun at all, but a torch in a wall sconce; one of many set up along the wall of the otherwise dark cave. A dark cave that was periodically interrupted by gold vertical bars at regular intervals, which met at a point above him like some sort of…

Wits blinked, staring blankly above him. “Am I in a gosh-dang bird cage?” he asked flatly—more of a statement of disbelief than a question. “Am I in a literal gilded cage right now? Is this what’s happening with my life?”

“Good day, little one.”

In a moment of panic, Wits flipped over onto his hooves, standing as he looked into the darkness from where the voice had come. “Who was that?” he called into the blackness. “I warn you, I’m more dangerous that I look. And I’m ar-” His magical grasp fumbled at where his sword should had been, but stubbornly refused to be. “Okay, not armed. But still dangerous! I bite something fierce!” He hesitated as his mind ran through the possible dangers. “I also don’t taste good at all, if that’s a consideration right now.”

The voice in the darkness chuckled. “Now what would need to seek to harm you after I’ve put so much effort into capturing you safely?” it purred.

“I dunno,” Wits admitted. “What would a turnip need with a book on Prench government? Also, where the heck are you? No offense, but it’s really disconcerting to talk to absolutely nothing. I already did the whole ‘talking to yourself’ bit a while back, you know.”

“Oh, I do know, little one.” The voice chuckled. For the first time Wits realised it sounded familiar. “Allow me to alleviate your concerns, my little pony. Come, look upon your Lady of the Sun!” A blinding light filled the room, forcing Wits End to cover his eyes again. The light quickly faded to a gentle glow, illuminating the space around the owner of the voice in the darkness.

A tall, regal mare stood in the light, both lit by it and its source. Her platinum coat gave way to a pair of slender, yet powerful, wings from her back, and a long horn sprouted from above her amethyst eyes. The mare’s long, flowing silver mane and tail occasionally flickered with golds and reds like a white-hot flame, seeming to glow with a light from somewhere within it. She appeared to be clothed in long shimmering silk, but upon closer inspection it became clear that under the silk was fine metal armor, decorated with designs of gold and ivory. About her head sat a silver crown of many spires, like an eclipsed sun with the rays of solar flares reaching out in all directions.

She struck a mighty figure. One of beauty. One of kindness. One to be feared.

Wits End swallowed hard, looking away slightly. “Who are you?”

The mare smiled—an act that seemed to brighten the room even more. “As I said, I am the Lady of the Sun. Or as some say, Lady of Sunlight.” She stepped closer, her hooves making barely a sound as she stood at the bars of Wits End’s cage. “You, my little pony, may call me by my true name.”

“And what’s that, exactly?” The mint-colored stallion flinched back as the Lady of Sunlight gently ran a hoof along his cheek. He met her eyes by accident, and felt himself being pulled into them like a moth to a flame.

“You may call me,” she purred, “Sol Eater.”

* * *

“Do you think Wits is okay?” Applejack asked as the eight ponies cautiously made their way deeper into the tunnels. “He looked pretty scared when he got taken.”

“Only because of the tentacles,” Purple Heart replied. “Anypony would be scared of tentacles.”

“Unless they are battered and deep fried,” Light Patch noted, tapping the walls as they went and making the occasional grunting noise. “Since this isn’t an anime, I suspect he’ll be fine. Unless...” the stallion trailed off in thought. “I hope those weren’t attached to a giant Illithid.”

Purple Heart grimaced. “Eugh. I’d be more concerned about Davy Jones.”

“What’s an Illithid?” Rainbow Dash inquired.

“A kind of corrupted unicorn,” Twilight recited. “More commonly known as Mind Flayers.”

“I seem to recall them being a bipedal being that look like they got a squid for a beard and eat brains. Or minds, not sure. But yeah, Mind Flayers are another name,” Light Patch said with a shrug before going back to tap on the wall.

Twilight frowned, pausing to pull out the Caverns and Cutie Marks guide. “The Caverns and Cutie Marks rule book doesn’t describe them like that,” she commented. “Squid face and mind sucking, yes. Walks on two legs, no.”

“Our version is different,” Purple Heart explained. “Dungeons and Dragons has bipedal mind flayers. They’re upright walking aberrations with magic powers.”

“They don’t sound very nice either way,” Fluttershy said, jumping slightly when Light Patch knocked on a wall next to her.

“They most certainly are not,” the Purple Barbarian agreed.

Applejack sighed. “Alright, Ah’ll bite. Jus’ what are ya doing?” Applejack asked the pegasus stallion.

“I’m putting my experience in Hexen and Heretic to use. I’m looking for hidden rooms. Since we’ve entered, it’s been a straight shot. I’m worried we’ve missed a hidden door or something,” Light Patch replied.

“Secret doors leading to secret tunnels leading to secret rooms which have secret cake in them?” Pinkie Pie asked, popping up right beside the grey pegasus.

“Secret tunnel,” Purple Heart hummed, smirking at Light Patch’s glare.

“No,” the grey pegasus stated flatly. “If I’m not allowed to sing, then neither are you, and especially not that song.”

“Aye sah,” Purple Heart snickered. He peered down the tunnel. A frown crossed his face and his lips twisted with irritation. “I do believe we’ve found a dead end.”

“Really?” Twilight asked, peeking around the purple earth pony’s shoulder to scrutinize the tunnel beyond. When the group entered the small chamber, they fanned out in an attempt to illuminate the room completely. Shadows still lingered in the cavern, hiding from the light of Twilight’s flame spell and the torches the rest of them held.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” Light Patch deadpanned. “Where’s the rest of the dungeon?” The group went about searching for some detail they were missing.

“Hmm. Maybe Discord lost it?” Pinkie said, looking around with a hat like that of Sherclop Holmes perched on her head and a magnifying glass in her hoof. She walked around carefully, examining the stones until she found a purple hoof and started following up to the owner's face. “It could also be that one of you stole it,” she finished, looking through her magnifying glass into the eyes of Purple Heart.

Purple Heart looked blankly at Sherlock Pie. “Yes,” he said flatly, “I stole the rest of the dungeon.”

“You admit it, then?!” Pinkie Pie cried.

“Of course not!” the purple earth pony snapped. “Didn’t you hear the sarcasm? Do you honestly think I could steal an entire dungeon system? I’m not Penn and Teller!”

“Hmm... I have no idea who you’re talking about, but I think you’re telling the truth. Which must mean...” She locked eyes on Light Patch. “Ah hah! You must have stolen it!”

“Wait, let me check.” The pegasus made an overblown show of going through his various pouches bags and satchels. “Nope, no dungeons. I guess I haven’t been an adventurer long enough to develop kleptomania.”

Pinkie continued to glare at the pegasus for a few moments before she pulled a bubble pipe from her hair. She sat there blowing bubbles for a few seconds, allowing the others to get back to their search. She suddenly jumped with a shout of joy. “It was Wits End who stole the dungeon as revenge for it stealing him!” she cheered with a smile as the rest of the party present face-hoofed.

“As amusing as that idea is, I highly doubt that's how it is,” Purple Heart mused. “I suspect this is a puzzle we have to solve to progress. I just wish we had an actual clue.” Before he could return to searching, Light Patch tapped him on the shoulder. His attention now on the grey pegasus, he noticed Light Patch pointing up towards the ceiling of the room. Purple Heart’s eyes followed the hoof to the ceiling where he saw a diamond-shaped gray stone with a white diamond eye set into it. His face went slack, eyes dull with disbelief. The mares looked at the pair of colts in confusion, curious as to what could elicit such a reaction from them. Twilight frowned, looked at the slate of stone in the ceiling then looked back at the colts.

“You two okay?” she asked. “Did you find something?”

Light Patch finally tore his gaze away from the eye switch to look to his friend. “Would you like to Arin rage, or should I?” he deadpanned. Purple Heart continued to stare at the diamond.

“I’ll take it,” he mumbled. He inhaled and exhaled, eyes fluttering shut. The mares blinked at him once more in confusion then reeled back in surprise when he spoke.

“Is this a puzzle?! Seriously Discord, is this a puzzle?!” he cried, eyes snapping open. “Is looking around a room and finding an eyeball on a wall really super fun for ponies? Is stopping our forward motion, stopping everything to look for a diamond to whack that’s in a soulless crevice in a wall so you can open a door that leads to another room with a locked door with another silly ‘open sesame’ trick?! You think this is fun?! This is nothing like what we want! What next?! Flying death pucks we can’t see or bomb bowling?!”

“Don’t tempt him,” Light Patch chided. “Hey, Rainbow Dash. Think you could hit the eye in that panel up there with an arrow?”

With a shrug at the Purple Stallion’s antics, she quickly drew her bow, nocked an arrow, and let it fly striking the eye dead center. A loud click echoed through the room followed by a low grumble as some of the stone slid away and an opening appeared.

“That was pleasantly simple,” Rarity noted, stepping forward to look through the new opening. “It looks like more tunnel.” The others groaned. “Now, now. While I admit the decor is dreary, it could be a lot worse. I mean, we could be dealing with traps or more of those zombponies with every step.”

“It’d at least be exciting,” Purple Heart grumbled.

“Oh really?” Twilight drawled. “Do you want excitement or safety?” The mares eyed Purple Heart, awaiting his response as they walked further down the tunnel.

“Ehm… safety for mien comrades?” His voice lilted upwards, making it sound like a question when it was a statement. Twilight’s eyes narrowed.

“Right,” she said, turning to the tunnel leading further underground. “Do you think we’ll come upon another puzzle?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if we did,” Rarity sniffed. “Our journey has become a rather droll experience ever since the zombponies appeared.”

“Wits was taken,” Fluttershy pointed out timidly.

“She has a point there,” Applejack agreed. The rest of the mares nodded.

“He can take care of himself,” Purple Heart said, waving off Fluttershy’s concern. “He managed to outthink a Chancellor. Of course, this one didn’t become a shrivelled bag of ‘do it’, but it’s still an achievement in my opinion. And if he can’t think his way out, he can talk his enemy to death.”

“He’s also stronger than he appears, like a chihuahua. He goes for the ankles first, then throat,” Light Patch said while miming said actions, causing Fluttershy to duck behind Applejack. “In any case, anypony wanna guess at what kind of puzzle we’re going to encounter next?”

“A logic puzzle perhaps,” Purple Heart immediately said. “Or perhaps a large three headed dog. Or flying keys that need Z-targeting to hit. Or a giant chess set that comes to life.”

“You think we’d face Cerberus?!” Twilight squeaked. “The Guardian of Tartarus?!”

“For us, he’s the Gatekeeper of the Underworld,” Purple Heart said. “Different location. That aside, he’s a massive dog. I think a quick stare should suffice to deal with him.” He looked over his shoulder at Fluttershy. “If you’re up to it, of course.”

“If that’s w-what it takes to keep him from hurting us and us from having to hurt him,” Fluttershy said as resolutely as she could. “I kind of hope it’s a ‘guess how many bunnies are in the room’ puzzle, though. It’d be so nice to count all of the cute little fuzzy bunnies.”

“It would be a change of pace to deal with something cute for a change,” Light Patch noted. Suddenly, he froze, before suddenly starting to hit his head a couple of times. “No, bad Light Patch. Stop thinking about fluffy zombie bunnies. Don’t risk giving Discord an idea.”

“Oh, my...” Fluttershy squeaked.

Purple Heart snorted. “Well done, buddy,” he chortled. “We’ll die from adorableness overload. Fantastic. I’ll write that on your tombsto… Whadaheck?” He came to an abrupt stop, causing Twilight and Applejack to walk into him.

“Hey!” Twilight grunted. “Why’d you stop?” The mares leaned around to peer past him. A chamber lay beyond them with several torches illuminating the walls. The far wall was clearly the focus of the room. It was also clearly the focus of the room’s puzzle, covered in valves, switches, levers, buttons, and toggles.

“I think Discord heard you in the last room,” Rainbow Dash replied, looking at it. “I think he took some offence to it as well.”

“No kidding,” Light Patch said, looking at the wall in awe before spotting a small note attached to it. He trotted up, snagged the note, and began to skim it while reading aloud, “Everything needs to be on. Not simple, pressing one affects others. Yadda, yadda, switches effect levers, levers only affect direct connections, valves inverse buttons.” He tossed the note over his shoulder and turned to face the wall. “It might take me a bit, but I got this.”

“If only there was something to keep us busy while you do that,” Purple Heart sighed.

“What, zombponies?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“I dun care, so long as it fights off boredom,” the purple earth pony grumbled. “For now, pull the lever, Light!”

Light Patch threw a lever and a door slammed open. “And done. Also, what was that, Ph Balance?”

The Mane Six and Purple Heart stood gaping at the grey pegasus and the opening in the wall.

“I don’t even,” the purple earth pony groaned.

“How’d he do that?” Twilight asked.

Purple Heart shook his head. “Don’t question it, just go along with it.”

“Ooh, a way out!” Pinkie Pie cheered. “Onwards then!” She bounced towards the newly opened tunnel, Rainbow Dash and Applejack close behind her.

“Is this normal?” Rarity asked Purple Heart, gesturing at Light Patch.

“I knew he was pretty good at puzzles like this,” Purple Heart mused, making his way after Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack, “but that was carping ridiculous. There wasn’t even fifty ways to love your lever. Methinks Discord is purposefully trolling us now.”

“Trolling?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“Being a jerk,” the Purple Barbarian amended.

“Oh, so no different than usual,” Twilight sniffed.

“Eeyup.”

“In my defence, it was kind of obviously set up with a method of progression. Sets effecting everything below them, but not the stuff above them. A lot of the time, you really only need to three moves when they have five levers. Though this was simpler than even I thought it’d be,” Light Patch said, looking back down the hallway at the puzzle room speculatively.

“Hey, don’t question it,” Rainbow Dash said. “The less time we spend bashing our heads on puzzles, the quicker we can get onto some zombie ponies or something.”

“Agreed” Light Patch said with a shrug and turning to catch up with the others.

“Okay,” Purple Heart said once they were walking together, “show of hooves: who wants some zombponies?” He raised his hoof, as did Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Light Patch, and Rarity.

“You really want to beat up on some zombponies, Rarity?” Twilight asked in surprise. The fashionista mare sniffed.

“I am on the cusp of aggravation,” she said frostily. “My desire to kick flank is growing.”

“Oh,” Twilight hummed. “Alright then.”

“The chances of our pleas for action being heard is significantly low,” Purple Heart commented. “Discord would pull another puzzle just to spite us.”

“I wouldn’t put it past him.” Twilight said as another doorway came into sight. She galloped forward and then looked through the door then turned to address the group. “And it’s another puzzle.” she said smiling at the groan of the other purple pony.

Purple Heart looked at the puzzle and froze. Then he burst into raucous laughter. The mares all blinked at him.

“What?” Twilight asked. “Is there something funny?” Purple Heart tried to suck air enough to speak but failed the few times he did and resigned himself to breathless giggles. He waved a hoof at Light Patch.

The grey stallion’s smile flipped to a frown before he sighed. “Alright, I got this, but you have to explain the next one. Just humor him, girls; the stress and everything has finally gotten to him. It’s a common reaction from what I understand. When a per-” A sneeze cut him off. “Sorry. When a pony is under a tremendous amount of stress, sometimes the pony will start laughing at the situation as a way to vent all of the stress to avoid risking him snapping.”

“What has that got to do with this puzzle?” Twilight asked.

Purple Heart’s laughs had subsided into giggles. “Did you manage to take a good look at it?” he chuckled. The purple alicorn furrowed her brow. All she’d seen was four buckets on a table. She looked again.

And promptly gaped.

“Wha?” she whispered.

“What is it, dear?” Rarity asked. Applejack nudged Twilight out of the doorway and the rest of the group trooped into the room.

“It’s four buckets full of water connected to individual strings threaded through some hoops in the ceiling that are holding up a slab of wood,” Pinkie Pie observed. “What’s so strange about that?”

Light Patch peeked around the frame of the opening and looked at it. “Nope, I refuse. I’m gonna stay out here. Call me when it’s done. Or if you want me to try and batter a hole in the wall.”

“I just might join you,” Purple Heart chortled, “but I want to see how long it’ll take for Twilight’s brain to restart.”

“How does one solve a puzzle like this?” Rarity asked, eyes flicking to fix the stationary purple alicorn with a concerned look.

“It doesn’t seem ta have any clues or rules,” Applejack noted.

“Where even is the puzzle?” Rainbow Dash asked slowly circling it. “It’s four buckets of water sitting on a block of wood.”

“And string!” Pinkie chimed in.

“You might have to find a way to lower the wood without cutting the string,” Fluttershy offered.

“Or empty the buckets without moving the table,” Rainbow Dash suggested.

“Or it might just be there to spite Twilight’s logic based mind,” Purple Heart stated.

“Nope, not going to try,” the purple alicorn said. “Not even going to try. Too much pain. Brain hurt. Logic puzzle with no answer. I hate it. BURN YOU BUCKING ANEURYSM!” Sparks flashed and the entire puzzle burst into flame. The water in the buckets boiled as it emptied from the falling buckets, landing on a crackling tabletop. Mere seconds passed and all that remained was melted metal, burnt firewood, and ashen hemp.

Light Patch looked in on the destruction and paused before suddenly flitting over to Twilight and glomping her. “You’re my hero.” After a few seconds, Twilight used her magic to pry the stallion off of her.

“Welp, that’s one way of solving it,” Purple Heart mused. “I guess the only way to solve it really. But now, how do we get out of he-” The Purple Barbarian was interrupted by a slab of stone shifting aside to reveal yet another tunnel out of the room.

“That’s how apparently,” Applejack said.

“Onwards then?” Rarity suggested.

“Might as well,” Purple Heart sighed, glancing at a panting Twilight. “I pity any more puzzles we come across though.”

“I pity the fool of a puzzle that has the nerve to cross Missus T,” Light Patch growled out. “She also pities the fool who doesn’t know the value of friendship, and books.”

“Come on P Team, let’s go,” Purple Heart urged. “Let’s see what we come up against next.” They all filed down the new tunnel out of the room.

“What happened?” Twilight asked woozily.

“You rage quitted and flash fried a puzzle,” Purple Heart replied succinctly.

The purple alicorn frowned and looked at the other mares. “Did I really do that?” she asked.

“Yes,” they all confirmed.

“Oh,” Twilight hummed. “Did anypony get hurt?”

“Nope,” Applejack denied.

“Just startled,” Fluttershy said. “You surprised us.”

“Indeed,” Rarity agreed.

“It was like a bonfire!” Pinkie piped up.

“It was beautiful,” Light Patch said contently. Twilight looked at him curiously, but shrugged and continued with the group. The further they walked, however, the more something started to nag at Light Patch. He couldn’t place his hoof on it, but there was something different. He started to look around the hallway before he suddenly froze as realization struck. “Oh no.”

“What the matter Light Patch?” Rarity asked looking at the stallion.

“Large hallway, long line of torches and buttresses, obvious ammo resupply,” the pony said, pointing things out as he mentioned them. “Rarity, it looks like your want for action is about to happen. We’re coming up on a boss battle.”

“Prove it. What should be the next thing we see if this is leading up to a boss battle?” Twilight said focusing on Light Patch.

“Well, this game of Discord’s lacks save points, so I’d say either a source of healing, or a stupidly large door opening to an even larger room with said boss—likely a mini boss if Discord is going to keep anything like proper dungeon crawl pacing intact—standing in the middle of said room,” Light Patch hypothesized. “But hey, that's just a theory; a boss theory! Thanks for listening.”

“Huh,” Twilight grunted. She looked over at Purple Heart. “What are your thoughts?”

“Light Pat explained it pretty well,” the purple earth pony said. “All I can add is a large benign looking room or an object illuminated by a solitary shaft of light. Except, the latter would just lead to a cutscene followed maybe by a boss. Unless of course the cutscene is a monologue, which in that case definitely leads to a boss.”

“So we just need to be wary of big fancy doors, illuminated things, large benign rooms, or healing spots,” Twilight listed. “Doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Ah wish you hadn’t said that, Twi,” Applejack groaned from the front of the group.

“Why?” the purple alicorn asked, turning to look at the orange earth pony only to see what lay beyond. A massive iron wrought door, much like the one that Wits End had been taken through, stood before them, blocking their path.

“Speak of the Devil and he shall appear,” Purple Heart sighed.

Light Patch looked at the door and smiled widely before turning to look at Twilight. His smile grew even wider at the slightly disgruntled look on her face. He opened his mouth to say something but found it forced shut by Twilight’s magic.

“Shut up,” she grumbled quietly.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 72: Wits End gets new friends that won’t abandon him to the Gate of Truth

“Is this really necessary?”

Sol Eater chuckled, covering her mouth with the back of a hoof. “Why, my little princess. Of course it is necessary.”

Wits End, once again in his raven-maned, androgynous form, was wearing his most unamused expression. Once again, he was in the dress set up by Rarity earlier, but this time somehow… worse—not “worse” as in bad, but “worse” as in more intense.

The layers of the dress, which had been of a nice—if somewhat cheap—materials, had been transformed into fine silks, precious metals, and sparkling gemstones. The floral headdress had been replaced by a tiara, similar to the one that the Lady of the Sun wore. A thin layer of makeup now lay on his face, giving him a more defined feminine appearance.

“Just don’t tell anypony else about this,” Wits grumbled. “‘Cause if anypony hears about what happened here, I swear on my former pretty floral bonnet I will end you.” He ignored the chuckling alicorn, looking at his reflection in a recently added mirror. “I gotta say, magical mirrors, makeup, and… well, I can’t think of a way to say clothing that starts with ‘m’, but it’s all quite impressive. Not to mention the whole, ya’know, inducing transformation without my say so. If only there was a word that started with ‘m’ that had to do with controlling ponies...”

“I am not known by many names for nothing, little one,” Sol Eater said. The silver-clad mare’s horn glowed with a wispy silver light. “My powers are great and many.”

As he watched, Wits End’s reflection became enveloped in the silver light. Before his eyes, his appearance shifted, becoming softer and rounder. “Wha-” The raven-maned pony froze, eyes widening at the higher-pitched voice. “Did you just- Wait.” Wits turned away, pulling the hem of the dress away slightly and glancing underneath “I… um…”

Sol Eater’s smile widened. “How do you feel, my little princess?”

‘I, uh…” Wits End let the hem of the dress go, staring blankly at the confused mare staring back. “Man, I feel like a woman.”

“If it makes you uncomfortable, I can-”

“No, no. Hang on. This could be fun.” Wits straightened his her dress, taking a seat in the center of the cage. “So, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s the Lady of Sunlight doing in a deep dark cave far below the surface of the earth?” She brushed a lock of raven hair away from her face. “Shouldn’t you be up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the… well, you know.”

Sol Eater’s horn glowed again, summoning ivory thrones beneath them. “Indeed, I should be on the surface. Truly, my rightful place is with the sun in the sky. However…” For the first time, an expression other than bemusement crossed the alicorn’s face. “I was cast out. Banished by my sister to the dark and cold of the underground.”

Sounds familiar, Wits End thought.

“Now I simply wish to return to the light of the surface and reclaim my rightful place,” Sol Eater continued, her face falling back into it usual expression. “It is as simple as that.”

“And what would that place be?” Wits asked. “It wouldn’t happen to be Supreme Tyrannical Ruler of the Entire World, would it?” She chuckled, before realising that the larger mare wasn’t joining in. “It… it’s not, is it?”

The alicorn’s smile widened—far wider than any ordinary smile on any ordinary pony. “Nothing so threatening, my little pony, but an apt description nonetheless. The ordinary, simple ponies of the surface may have forgotten how it feels to have a true goddess guiding them, but they will remember it soon enough.”

Wits End swallowed hard. “So then, the zombies from before. Those really are your doing?”

“My children?” Sol Eater shrugged, her lips parting to reveal tightly packed teeth like needles. “The sun shines too brightly for some, but they can still be of use to their goddess after they burn.” She leaned in toward the mint-colored mare. “As can those simply warmed by its rays. Chosen by its guiding sunlight.”

“Wha-” Wits was cut off by a sudden thought. He focused his attention inward, calling up the list of his known moves. There was Alter Self, which was marked as currently in use; Imitate Skill, which said there were no nearby targets; and Learning, which included a number of available spells: Oaken Shield from Taxi the Timberwolf, Poison Sting from the Giant Scorpion, Lightning Bolt from Twilight Sparkle…

And Guiding Sunlight from Sol Eater.

“What did you do to me?” Wits asked, biting back the tremor in his voice. Panic started to rise. He couldn’t change back, or change at all. Even his combat skills were locked off from him. “What did you do!?”

Sol Eater laughed aloud; a sound beautiful and terrible to behold. “I claimed what is mine, my princess. After all,” she appeared inside of the cage next to Wits End, cupping a forehoof under the smaller mare’s chin, “a queen should have a consort, should she not? Worry not, little one. With you beside me, I shall bring the surface under my rightful rule.”

Wits End shuddered; her body unable to pull away from the silvery alicorn. “As if,” she growled. “I’ve got friends in these low places. When they get here, your royal rump is royally screwed.”

The alicorn chuckled, slipping through the bars of the cage as if they were nothing. “You are not the only one with powerful friends, my little pony. You have met Wayward Sun, yes? No-pony can match him on the field of battle.” She chuckled again, the light fading around her until only a sharp-toothed smile remained in sight. “I’m afraid your friends will have no choice. They will join me, whole or burned through. And you shall aid me.”

Wits End sat in the darkness, lit only by the torches along the walls. For the first time, the mint-colored unicorn was worried.

For the first time, they might lose.

* * *

“Big fancy door,” Purple Heart muttered, staring up at the metal entrance, “and not a save point in sight. I’m making a bug complaint for when we next see Discord.”

“You could just add it to the massive list of complaints you already have,” Light Patch suggested.

“Or that,” the purple earth pony agreed. He looked over his shoulder at the six mares. “At the very least, this is a miniboss. We should be cautious.”

“No arguments here,” Twilight said. “What do you think is on the other side of that door?”

“I’m sticking with what I called earlier,” Light Patch said, looking around. “As for specifics, I’m thinking a giant beetle that has a shockwave attack and possibly eye lasers. And we don’t even have the Tri-Rocking Lawnchair.” He devolved into mutterings about bipedal ants with lasers and zombie bugs.

“Ahm’ betting it’s gonna be some kind of stone golem or something,” Applejack said while studying the door.

“Maybe it’s a boss party, where we’re gonna have to fight every boss we’ve fought to this point!” Pinkie said as she bounced in front of the door to try and get a look through its keyholes. The rest of the ponies all jerked and stared at the pink mare.

“NOPE,” Purple Heart stated vehemently. “Nope, nope, nope, nope. No carping way.”

“Please don’t give Discord any ideas, Pinkie,” Twilight pleaded.

“I concur,” Rarity said, her face a mask of terror. “All of our previous enemies in the same room? It does not seem like a fun thing.”

“I’ll have you mares know that the boss rush is a long standing and classic of action RPGs and shmups everywhere,” Light Patch chimed in. “Also, it’s rarely all at once. Usually it’s a one at a time thing… well, the good ones are, anyway.”

“Never experienced a boss rush before,” Purple Heart mused, head cocked to one side. “I think… Enlighten me, Light: have I ever experienced a boss rush before?” The grey pegasus gave his friend stink eye.

“How am I supposed to know that? What games have you played? Gradius? Or what about Shovel Knight?” Light Patch paused to think for a few moments. “Well, the time we summoned all of the hardcore bosses from Terraria in a row could count. You might have had one in Castle Crashers… Undertale kind of has one.”

“Huh,” Purple Heart grunted. “Guess I have.”
Rarity rolled her eyes at the two colts. “As interesting as all of that might be, we’re never really going to know what lies beyond the doors until we open them.”

“Rarity is right. We can guess about what is behind those doors until we’re all blue in the face.” Twilight was interrupted by a cough from Rainbow Dash, “or bluer. Anyway, until we open those doors, we won’t know. So let's open them,” she finished as she walked up to the doors and pushed to open them.

“To the point. I like it,” Purple Heart mused as the doors swung slowly open to reveal cathedral sized cavern. The eight ponies moved into the chamber, gazing about at the gargantuan size. Torches flickered in brackets along the walls and on columns pockmarking the downward slope of the floor. Seats and stairs had been carved into the rough stone, giving the impression that the chamber was used for large scale events, most likely arena battles as there was a large flat area at the bottom ringed by high walls to protect the occupants from any wayward attacks.
On a dais in the center of the arena’s floor was a solitary pony standing with their back to the group. As the group of adventurers walked down the steps towards the center, Purple Heart grumbled.

“I’m getting serious Dressrosa vibes from this,” he muttered, eyeing the surrounding walls for any escape routes. “I wonder if fruit is involved.”

“Pardon?” Applejack asked. “What has fruit got ta do with dress roses?”

“Spiky thorns?” Pinkie Pie offered.

Rarity sniffed. “Why would dresses have thorns? The roses I use have none.”

Purple Barbarian grumbled under his breath. “They aren’t like Drax. They can’t catch metaphors or references like my friends and I can.”

“Well, to be fair, they don’t have the same cultural background as we do,” Light Patch noted. “And I am getting some serious Solaris IV Colosseum arena myself. In any case, it looks like we’re expected.” Light Patch spoke loud enough to get the attention of the group while he pointed at the center of the arena and the figure occupying it. “Shall we go say hello?”

“Sounds good to me!” Pinkie said as she bounced ahead.

“Is it me, or does he look familiar?” Rainbow asked after they’d gotten closer.

“Don’t ask me,” Purple Heart sighed. “I don’t know what the carp you six have been through lately.”

“He does seem familiar,” Twilight agreed. “Maybe we met him before leaving Gallopilli.”

“No, it’s Wayward Sun!” Rarity realized. “Remember the pony we met on the road to Ade? He said he worked for the Lady of the Sun!”

“Do you think maybe she’s the one behind all this?” Fluttershy asked meekly.

“Perhaps,” Applejack hummed. “Why don’t we ask him?”

“Hey there!” Pinkie Pie called, leaping down into the arena proper. “Have we ever seen you before?”

The figure turned their head, the torchlight glinting off of the great helm. The blazing sun emblazoned on his otherwise white tabard seemed to glow with its own light in an homage to the symbol it represented. “Oh!” Wayward Sun turned fully to face the party of ponies. “Hello there, my jolly cooperators!” He nodded, the light reflecting from the longsword at his side. “I’m glad to see you all alive.”

“We’re fairly happy to still be alive,” Twilight replied, “especially considering that the town above seems to be empty one moment, then swarming with zombies the next. Though our party was split as we entered this area, I don’t suppose you’ve seen a mint green unicorn with a pinto pattern have you?”

“Ah, you seek your friend!” Wayward took a few steps to one side, revealing a doorway on the other side of the arena, similar to the one the ponies had come through. “Worry not! He is unharmed and in good hooves. The Lady of Sunlight has taken a… special interest in your young stallion.” He paused, hoosing his next words with care. “Twould be better if you saw your party as being eight fine adventurers now rather than nine, I think.”

Purple Heart’s eyes narrowed as he scrutinized the colt. “Seems like we’ll have to make our way through you to get to our friend,” he growled, “and I have every intention of doing so with extreme force if necessary.”

“What he said, but with more spittle and proper Orkish,” Light Patch added, nodding his head towards Purple Heart.

Wayward Sun shook his head. “Now, that is a shame among shames.” A moment of silence passed as the armored stallion took his position on the center of the dais again. “You’ve done well. Indeed, you all have. You’ve strong hooves, strong faith, and most importantly, strong hearts.” The torchlight danced around the shadow of his helmet’s eyeslit. “I am in awe, really. Yes, yes.” Another pause. “I don’t suppose… What do you think? Why not join me as a warrior of the Sun?” He held out an outstretched forehoof. “Righteous knights! Guardians of all that is good, in the name of the Lady of Sunlight!”

“Um, why don’t you join us instead?” Fluttershy meekly asked, “You seem like a nice stallion, and, well, I don’t know what happened to the ponies in the town above, but I’m wondering if they are the zombies. I’m sure we could be good friends.”

“She’s right; there isn’t any need for us to fight. You could just step aside and let us rescue our friend,” Light Patch chimed in.

“I’m afraid that is not an option,” Wayward replied. “I have served the Lady of the Sun since her arrival. I’m not about to betray my duty to her now.”

“I guess we have no other choice,” Twilight stated, eyes narrowing at the armor clad colt. “We have to get Wits back, okay Fluttershy?”

The yellow pegasus nodded in resignation, saddened that violence was the only course of action.

“Let’s make this quick,” Purple Heart said. “We have a princess to save.”

Wayward Sun sighed. “A shame…” The sword at his side was surrounded by a sliver light, like the rays of a sun shrouded by an eclipse as it flew into the air at his side; met by his greatshield on his other side. “If stubborn beasts you be, I have no choice!” The shadow of his eyeslit burst with golden light, illuminating the room brighter than the torchlight. “A warrior of the Sun will not just sit and take it!”
Pinkie Pie leapt forward, hoof raised to strike a blow to the Sun Warrior’s helm. The rest of the group tensed, waiting for the coming battle.

“Boop Attack!” the pink mare cried, driving her hoof against the iron helm. Instantly, the armored colt crumpled to the stone floor in apparent unconsciousness.

“What?” Rainbow Dash said looking between Pinkie who was staring at her hoof and the stallion on the floor. She flinched when the sound of a warhammer being thrown to the ground came from behind her.

“Seriously!” Light Patch shouted, “A nose beep? You go down to a nose beep. All of the hype, all of the build up and the narrative and mechanical tension and he goes down to a non-critical nose beep?! Poor show Discord, poor show!” He shouted in displeasure at the ceiling before turning to address the rest of the group. “I’m gonna go check for traps and/or loot. Let me know when we’re moving on or if you want me to heal him to try this mini-boss thing again.” He stomped away, muttering about music boxes and nose beeps.

The mares looked after the fuming pegasus in surprise.

“Well,” Applejack sighed, “Ah didn’t see that comin’.”

“Light takes his boss battles pretty seriously,” Purple Heart said. “The only thing topping this disappointment is Earthworm Jim eating a fish.”

“No, that was hilarious. It fit the style and tone of the game to a ‘T’... Also, this place has really good acoustics,” the pegasus shouted from the back wall.

“Boss battles aside,” Rainbow Dash grunted, “that was kinda disappointing. Considering the previous bosses we’ve fought.”

“Yes,” Twilight agreed. “Those times, at least one of the colts were knocked unconscious.” She looked at Purple Heart, grinning cheekily. “I think it was your turn. Wits and Light have already gone through the gauntlet.”

“Mini-boss,” the Purple Barbarian retorted, rifling through Wayward Sun’s belongings. “Doesn’t count. And didn’t my near-death experience at the hooves of Grim Hammer fulfil that?”

“Nope,” Pinkie chirped.

“Great,” Purple Heart grumbled, pocketing the few bits Wayward had in his pockets. “That aside, I’m a little concerned by how short this battle was. It seemed almost nonexistent.”

“What do you mean?” Rarity inquired.

“We just traipsed our way through a number of puzzles,” Purple Heart explained. “Unusually simple puzzles I might add. And we just one-shotted a boss. Sure, a lower level one, but still a boss. I have some concerns.”

“Maybe he was super weak,” Pinkie Pie offered. “Not enough cupcakes.”

“Technically, we’re in the third scenario of this campaign,” Purple Heart pointed out. “Shouldn’t we be having some troubles right about now?”

“You do have a point though,” Twilight hummed. “Light? Find anything interesting?”

Light Patch looked up from where he was and quickly glided back to the group, the worry on his face evident. “This place is full of traps, hidden entrances, and all sorts of stuff. Discord clearly had a huge fight planned for this area.” He paused and looked at Twilight and Purple Heart. “So the question is; why did he truncate the battle like this?” He punctuated with a wave at Wayward Sun. “Why is he rushing?”

Purple Heart groaned, rubbing his face with a hoof. “I’d like to think he’s gotten tired of our shenanigans,” he mumbled. “But I doubt it’s that. He clearly wants to wrap this up as quickly as possible.”

“But why?” Fluttershy asked. “He could just say ‘game over’.”

“Yeah,” Applejack agreed. “He could end it right now if he liked.”

“But why doesn’t he?” Twilight asked.

“Maybe he hasn’t thought of it,” Pinkie Pie suggested.

Purple Heart opened his mouth to reply but paused, brow furrowed as he thought. Then he blanched, eyes wide with fear and realization.

“Or he can’t,” he whispered.

Light Patch sighed and then shook his head. “Look, standing around won’t do us a lot of good, or getting us closer to being done. Let's go find and save Wits End, and then we can worry about why Discord is forcing us to speed run.”

Purple Heart shook himself, though his eyes still glinted with a small trace of fear. “Yeah,” he agreed. “We’ve got to find Wits quickly. Let’s find a way out and move on.”

* * *

Bael lips curved in a small, satisfied smirk as he slowly walked into the conference chamber beneath Just Duty’s fairly nice, yet moderate estate. A round table sat in the center of the chamber, illuminated by a lamp hanging from the ceiling above. The grey being’s smirk widened into a full blown face splitting grin when he noticed his two constituents waiting for him.

“Greetings,” he called, waving a hand languidly at Holdfast and Just Duty. “How goes your personal operations and ventures? Successfully, I hope?”

“The artifact was found, but then lost shortly afterwards,” Just Duty stated shortly.

“Awww,” Bael moaned, his tone obviously insincere. “Bloody shame that. No worries though. I’ll need the artifact’s magical residue for a little plan of mine.” He turned to face the white unicorn, plopping the satchel he was carrying on the table. “And what of you, Master Holdfast?”

Holdfast smiled. “Significantly more successful.” He glanced at Just Duty. “I have fulfilled what I promised at the beginning of this venture. The factories are running at full capacity, and the Baron’s little village is on its way to becoming a proper township.” He frowned. “Although, I would be able to act much faster if your guards didn’t insist on slowing things down. This is the third time in a week I’ve had to personally step in because of some nosy upstart.”

“They are concerned. The allowances I’ve given you are unprecedented,” Just Duty replied. “I will have a talk with them now that I’ve returned. Be glad they are good enough to prevent your issue from being bandits.”

“So things are going well then,” Bael said cheerfully. “Perfect. Now to tell you how I intend to dethrone this god-like being ruling over us.” He reached into the satchel and pulled out a long object wrapped in cloth. A few twirls later and the cloth was pooled on the table, revealing a long sword of high quality. A soft green sheen emanated off the blade. Bael set the weapon on the table and moved it closer to the two stallions, allowing them to get a better look.

The snow-white stallion raised an eyebrow. “An enchanted sword? I’ve never heard of a weapon such as this.”

“It does appear to be a fine blade but I highly doubt a simple enchantment is enough to kill a god,” Just Duty mused, studying the blade.

“Kill?” Bael asked, glowing eyes widening in surprise. “Oh no. No, no, no. This can’t kill a god. It’ll just make him feel very weak. The enchantment on this blade saps magic. However, it’s only suited for sapping low level magical creatures like unicorns at the moment. But, if the enchantment was to have enough power...” He trailed off, looking at the pair expectantly, waiting for them to put the pieces together.

“Then it could steal the power from a stronger being, and with enough even a god’s power could be ripped away,” Just Duty said in realization. “But then the question is ‘where do we get this power from’?”

“Why, the remaining power from that destroyed artifact you found, of course,” Bael replied. “But that sword won’t be enough. We’ll need to find a way to bind him to this realm.”

Holdfast leaned back in an attempt to be more comfortable. “‘Find’?” He repeated. “Do you mean to say you don’t have such a plan yet?”

The bipedal being shrugged. “I have an idea that might work,” he amended. “However, I wanted to propose the thought to you two first.” He pulled a sheaf of papers from his satchel and slid them across the table to the two stallions. “It should interest Just Duty more as it concerns his subjects and land.”

“Concerns them how? I’m warning you right now, daemon. If you have injured or killed any of my ponies, you will be destroyed,” the noble bit out as he glared at Bael.

“Whoa, whoa!” Bael waved off. “This plan won’t cause any physical or mental harm to your subjects. It just requires their inherent magic they are born with. Not even enough to exhaust them. The worse they’ll feel would be a minor headache, maybe not even that. I’m not in the business of enacting damage of a collateral nature. You have no need to worry about your subjects’ safety.”

Just Duty snorted before letting his glare fade. “Then what is needed of them and the land?”

Holdfast leafed through the papers. “These are maps,” he muttered. “Maps of this town, in fact… But I don’t recognize these circles. Do you plan to build walls around the entire town?”

Bael snorted in amusement. “Walls,” he chortled. “Nope. This-” he tapped the circle, “-is a seal. It’ll bind the god-being to this realm and keep them from returning to his overworld view.”

“You know this for certain?” Holdfast narrowed his eyes. “There aren’t many stories of such a plan that I know of, and none of them end well. You plan to make a god angry and put him right in our lap. What keeps him from smiting us, or whatever it is he does?” He smirked. “Maybe putting the paladin in front?”

“We just need him in one place long enough to hit him with the sword,” Bael explained, gesturing to the weapon. “The magic the god-being possesses will loop itself to power the circle. The combined inherent magic of Just Duty’s subjects are a way to jumpstart the circle’s effects. Once his power is drained sufficiently so that he poses no problem, we can continue with our ventures.”

Just Duty looked again at the sword before studying the papers. After a few minutes of silence, he sighed and looked up at Bael. “It is disheartening, even as an ex-paladin, for me to hear how easy you’re making it sound to usurp a god.”

“Perhaps it is that simple,” Holdfast mused. “After all, if I were a god, I would want to discourage anypony from attempting to dethrone me.What better way to do that than to spread tales only of the failures?” He leaned forward, tapping the table. “So we need the remains of the artifact. Then what?”

“Then we throw the switch on the circle,” Bael said. “It’ll draw the god-being to the center and hold him there for a short amount of time so that one of us can hit him with the enchanted sapping sword augmented by the magical residue of a powerful artifact. Once he’s weak enough, we hit him, typically in a pattern of three total hits. Then they’ll be just as powerful as an average sorceror.”

Just Duty’s eyebrows scrunched up in curiosity. “I will gather the bits of the artifact that embedded themselves in my old armor. But, before I go, what do you mean by ‘typically in a pattern of three hits’?”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 73: The Chapter Henceforth Named After Funny Hats of Power

“I take it all back. I miss the straight lines,” Light Patch groaned as the path began to turn back on itself like it had been doing for the last several hours. “If this keeps up, I may be sick.”

“Could be worse,” Purple Heart grunted. “This dungeon could be ridiculously complex with a Labyrinth vibe tossed in for good measure.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow at the shudder that worked through Light Patch at his friend’s thought. “You’ve had experience with non-euclidean dungeons before?”

“You don’t want to know the horrors of La-Mulana,” Light Patch rasped, turning to face Twilight, fear in his eyes. “Most dungeons don’t hate you so much as they have their own stuff to do, and don’t really care if that interferes with your continued living.” The pegasus then hooked a leg around Twilight’s neck. “But let me tell you, buddy. ‘La-Mulana...it hates you. It knocked you down in pre-school and stole your bike, which it then rode in front of your house every day while laughing,’ as a deceased crab once said.”

The alicorn’s expression had gone from mild confusion to mild concern to serious concern and back to confusion over the course of Light Patch’s explanation. “I… see.” She shook her head. “No. No, actually, I don’t. But I’m starting to think I just have to deal with that when it comes to you three.” She looked forward at the twisting path ahead. “Speaking of you three, how far into this do you think Wits End is?”

“Haven’t the foggiest,” Purple Heart sighed, eyeing the tunnel ahead. “I’m sure we’ll find him soon though. He wasn’t swearing high and low from a cage during that last boss catastrophe, so he’s probably being held further down the tunnel system.”

“Once we’re done traversing the hallway of infinite ox-bows,” Light Patch groused. “You know, with the way this hall is curving, it might not be easily connected. I’m almost certain this hallway should have intersected itself by now. Discord, stop cheating at snake!” the pegasus shouted to the ceiling, thus causing him to bump into a door the others had seen where he had not.

“I have found a door,” he mumbled into the ground from his prone position in front of the door. A hoof was raised for punctuation.

“Indeed you have,” Rarity agreed. “It’s not at all surprising you didn’t see it.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash snickered. “What do you think is on the other side?”

“Hopefully Wits is,” Fluttershy said.

“Oooooh~!” Pinkie bounced beside Light Patch. “I wonder if he’s having a tea party! Him being princessified an all!”

“Open the blasted door then,” Applejack urged impatiently.

“C’mon, Light,” Purple Heart grumbled. “Up you get. You can kiss the door later.” Ignoring the pegasus’ yelps of annoyance, the purple earth pony heaved the door open after shoving Light Patch aside.

“Tank goes first, then everypony else,” Purple Heart muttered, trotting warily into the new chamber.

“And clerics in the back where we can keep the fighters hale and hearty, or so the song goes,” Light Patch muttered as he followed close behind Purple Heart.

The eight ponies walked into the room, squinting around at the dimly lit walls in an attempt to make out the details of the chamber. Torches spluttered weakly in brackets upon the walls, providing poor illumination. Their attention was commanded by a large golden birdcage sitting in the center of the room. The light there was better, sparkling off the golden bars of the cage. Within, reclined upon a couch covered in plush cushions, was a figure. A familiar, yet slightly different, mint-colored mare.

“Where the absolute frack have you been?” Wits End exclaimed, leaning backwards over the arm of the couch to glare at the eight ponies. “I’ve been waiting here, in this stupid cage. For. Ev. Er. Did you stop for sushi or something on the way, or what?”

Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the mare. “The urge was there, but we wanted to save our friend,” he retorted. “I’d blame Discord, but it’s his job and frankly, it’s getting old.”

“Wits?” Fluttershy asked softly, walking closer to the cage’s bars. “Are you alright?”

“Oh yes, peachy keen.” The unicorn mare rolled over. “Just got coltnapped, held captive by a crazy alicorn, and had very important parts replaced by a very unsympathetic mare!” She shifted one of the pillows into a more comfortable position. “But yeah, overall, a good day.”

“Crazy alicorn?” Twilight asked, surprised. “Who’s the crazy alicorn?”

“If I had to guess, he might be talking about Sol Eater,” Rarity offered.

“Wonder if now would be a good time to comment on that,” Purple Heart muttered under his breath.

“Commenting about what?” Pinkie Pie asked, appearing beside the Purple Barbarian.

“Tentacles,” he shuddered.

“Are you quite finished?” Rarity asked. “We need to get Wits out of there!”

“Aye aye. One locksmith coming up,” Light Patch declared, stepping up to the cage. “You’ll wanna move.” He raised his hammer and bashed at the lock on the cage. He stepped aside as the door swung open. “And blam, I’ve picked the lock. That’ll be fifty bits… Nah, I’ll give you the friend discount. Forty five bits.”

Wits End slid off the couch and trotted out the door. “Classy. I’ll owe you.” The door slid closed behind her. “And yeah, Sol Eater’s the crazy alicorn. She’s the one behind the zombponies, she’s the Lady of Sunlight, I’m pretty sure Discord was watching Lord of the Rings when he came up with her, and I’m pretty sure she’s an endboss.” She paused for a moment. “Am I missing anything?”

“Yes,” Purple Heart said. “We had to deal with three puzzles that were traumatic to complete, but extremely simple and we fought Wayward Sun.” He paused, his brow furrowed in annoyance. “If you hadn’t already coined the ‘disappoint look’, I’d be using it right now. However, I’m not inclined to be hit by the copyright fish.”

“Good call.” Wits looked up at the purple stallion, frowning at the intensified height difference the former’s transformation gave them. “How was that fight, anyway? Much throwing of lighting spears and getting good, I take it?”

Light Patch frowned. “More Bob the Goldfish and less Dobkeratops,” he deadpanned. “In any case, now that the party’s together, what say we get while the getting is still good?”

“I concur,” Rarity said. “I’m not certain why Purple Heart is so anxious about the swiftness of this scenario. He seems to think it’s a bad thing.”

“It is a bad thing,” the purple earth pony snapped. “That fight with Wayward should have lasted significantly longer than Pinkie simply booping him on the nose!”

“We’ll be done with the game sooner though,” Twilight commented, eyeing Purple Heart critically. “Why do you seem so eager for it to continue?”

“I don’t want it to continue!” Purple Heart barked. “I’m worried that something has altered the game itself!”

“Why should we want to quit now?” Pinkie asked cheerfully. “We’re having fun!”

Wits coughed. “Personally, I’m having a lovely time.”

“I’m sorry,” Rainbow Dash cut in. “Are we just ignoring the fact that he,” she jerked a hoof at the mint-colored pony, “is now a she?”

“Suppose so,” Applejack muttered.

“GAH!” Purple Heart cried, throwing his forelegs into the air before his front hooves clopped loudly against the stone floor. He prowled away from the group, seething inside.

“What’s got your tail all in a twist?” Twilight asked.

“Nothing,” Purple Heart growled, finally answering the purple alicorn’s question. “I just want this to end.”

“It will in due time,” Rarity soothed.

“I can’t help but disagree,” he muttered under his breath. The mares heard his words but ignored them in favor of worrying over Wits End.

“Did she force that change?” Applejack inquired.

Wits End thought for a moment. “I did mention the ‘crazy’ part of ‘crazy alicorn’, right? Tell me if this sounds familiar: she’s some sort of ancient god-like being banished by her sister, and now she’s coming back to subjugate everypony under her ‘rightful’ rule.”

“Uh yes, I’ll take who are Celestia and Luna for five hundred bits, Mr. Questional Answers,” Light Patch chimed in.

“We have a winner!” Wits looked up at the grey pegasus. “Did you get taller? Did everypony get taller while I wasn’t around? Were they handing out platform horseshoes in some damp cave in here?”

“That’s… not exactly what happened,” Fluttershy muttered.

Twilight decided it was time to ask the obvious question. “So, where is Sol Eater now?”

Wits blinked. “Oh, right, I forgot! Kinda important thing. Sol Eater’s marching on Gallopilli with an army of zombponies at her command. If you thought Boomer had an army at his disposal, then boy howdy are you in for a treat.”

Twilight stared blankly at her. “And you didn’t tell us because…”

“Hey, I’ve been here for like hours. I got super bored and started writing a fictional version of our adventures in my head.” Wits frowned. “Remembering that fact made me forget the entire third arc, by the way.”

“The worlds have truly lost a great work of fiction, just like…” Light Patch paused, trying to find words. “Uh... Well, there was that one with the… things and... Oh! What about that one, Purple Heart? You know, the one that uh… the things, and the other thing.” The pegasus stallion trailed off, ignoring Purple Heart’s confused blinking. “In any case, my point stands. We’ve forgotten wherever it was. We have a town to save.”

“Then we should leave quickly,” Twilight suggested, head reeling from the pegasus’ lack of coherency. “There’s another door back there to the left, hidden in the shadows. I think we can get to the surface quickly through there.”

“This is the only time I’m thanking Discord for installing a sneaky way out,” Purple Heart grumbled as the party cantered over to the door. “He probably took a page out of the book the Skyboxrim devs used.”

“What book is that?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“‘Always put a back way out in a dungeon, barrow, or ruin,’” the purple earth pony explained. “Saves time in getting on to more important things instead of backtracking through the dungeon.” Light Patch cleared his throat to butt in.

“Also, backtracking forces you to have to think about all of the stuff you’ve gotta leave behind because of weight limits,” the pegasus quickly added. “We now return you to your regularly scheduled message.”

“And why didn’t you mention this door?” Rainbow Dash asked, raising an eyebrow at Wits End. “Did you forget that too?”

“No, actually.” Wits was keeping the rest of the party between her and the door. “I didn’t see it because it’s dark as Luna’s hindquarters in here.”

“And you’re behind us because…”

“Because the last time I got near a door I got coltnapped, held captive by a crazy alicorn, and had very important parts replaced by a very unsympathetic mare.”

The rainbow-haired mare thought for a moment. “Good point.”

“This might be a silly question,” Applejack said, “an’ Ah’m sorry for delayin’ us, but why haven’t ya’ll changed back with yer Changeling powers yet?”

“I, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” Wits held the syllable for a good three seconds, staring blankly at the wall the whole time. He finally finished, “can’t? She kinda locked my powers somehow. I can’t change back, or use any of my other abilities.”

“That must be irritating,” Purple Heart wondered aloud, feeling sympathy for the colt-turned-mare. “Now, shall we onwards through the door?”

“Might as well,” Applejack said. “We gotta get to Gallopilli fast-like if we want to save the city.”

“Roight then.” The Purple Barbarian set his weight against the door, grunting as it shifted open on rusted hinges.

The door opened onto a room that was pitch black, only lit by the torchlight of the previous room. If there was anything else inside the darkness, there was no way to tell from the doorway. “Maybe we should take a moment to light a torch,” Rarity mused. “It’s quite dark in there.”

“I’ll cast Flare in there first,” Twilight said, focusing her magic into her horn.

“Yeah, about that…” Wits gave Pinkie Pie a shove, tipping her over into the other ponies in a domino effect and sending the party into the darkness. “Can’t let you do that, Star Pony.” The door slammed closed behind them, sending the room into complete blackness.

“Well sh-” Purple Heart was cut off by a bleeping sound from above. He huffed. “Fine, Discord. Well carp, seems like we’ve got another boss battle. And now Wits is Mind Slave Number One. Charming. You’d better cast Flare right about now Twilight or else the irony of Sol Eater’s moniker will kick us in the face.”

“What do you mean irony?” Twilight asked, once again gathering magic to cast the spell.

“Darkness?” Purple Heart prompted. “Kind of amusing considering she’s the Lady of the Sun.”

“This would have been a great time for my sun in a jar to have not gone novae on me.” A soft purple glow interrupted the grey pegasus from complaining further it also clued him in on what the cold thing he’d landed on was. “It’s an ambush for sure! Zombponies!” Light Patch shouted, flitting up and drawing his hammer out as he tried to figure out exactly where everyone in the group was.

“Oh, my little ponies.” The voice in the darkness chuckled. “If you wanted a sun, all you had to do was ask.” The room filled with a silvery light, illuminating the room just enough for the adventurers to see.

Across the room from them stood the source of the light: Sol Eater, clad in silks and silvers, and with a smirk on her face. Next to her was Wits End, male once again and sword at his side. Between the two groups was somewhere around every zombpony they had seen in the town, times twelve.

“Wits End,” Fluttershy murmured when she looked up.

“What gives shoving us, and why are you standing next to her!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

“I think he’s being mind controlled,” Purple Heart sighed as he face-hoofed.

“It was a trap and we walked right into it,” Light Patch moaned.

“Sorry, folks,” Wits smiled. “But I mean, come on. I literally told you that I was held by somepony with mind control powers.” He glanced up at the alicorn before turned back to his former allies. “What’s the line? Evil will triumph because good is dumb?”

“Har har,” Purple Heart growled, eyes narrowing at the now revealed alicorn. “I suppose you’re a little yandere about your little filly now, aren’t you? Too fraking bad. I’m getting my friend back. I still have to finish Undertale and I need him to badger me about it!” The Purple Barbarian tensed, his mane and tail poofing up in an expressive manner, speaking of his rage and fury.

A strange series of expressions passed over the mint-colored stallion’s face, settling on… betrayal? “So that’s it, huh? Light Patch meets Perfect Profit, and we’re fine. You get Amber Glitter, and everypony’s happy. But I find the Lady of Sunlight, and now it’s ‘everything is terrible and you have to stop it’? Hmmph.” He drew his sword from its scabbard, leveling it at Purple Heart. “Then I guess it is too bad.”

“I see there’s no point talking any further,” Purple Heart stated coldly, preparing from the coming fight. He cast a look over his shoulder at the frozen mares. “I’ll try to knock some sense into Wits. I need you guys to keep the zombponies off my back, got it?”
Twilight opened her mouth to argue but hesitated when she saw the pained look in the purple earth pony’s eyes. Instead, she clenched her jaw and jerked a nod. A small smile flickered across Purple Heart’s face and then it was gone, replaced by a blank expression. He swung around and charged towards Wits End.

“Why do you think he didn’t equip himself with his gauntlet?” Rarity asked aloud.

“He doesn’t want to hurt Wits,” Fluttershy whispered.

“Too much,” Light Patch said as he revived a field of vines under the groups hooves to slow the zombies down some. “It’s also hard to knock sense into the dead or unconscious. Anyway it’s time I gather enough zombie hoofs to make a necklace!”

“Let’s do our part, then,” Applejack said, lassoing a group of zombponies. “An’ hope that Purple Heart can get through ta Wits before he beats’m into a minty pulp.”

Rainbow Dash drew her bow and nocked three arrows. “All we have to do is give him time,” the cyan pegasus said. “Let’s go then!”

Purple Heart threw a punch at Wits’ torso in an attempt to elicit a reaction from the unicorn. Wits End turned to avoid the blow, using the turn to lend power to a swing to the barbarian’s head. In response to the horizontal slash, Purple Heart ducked his head and followed up with a charge forward to use his forehead as a battering ram. His attack met and he jerked himself to a stop.

The blow sent the mint-colored stallion rolling backwards, sliding to his hooves for several feet as he recovered. “Guess this is what I get for fighting the sportsballer,” he grumbled, keeping the tip of his sword between him and Purple Heart. He thought for a moment before settling on a battle plan. “Why are you so obsessed with getting this over with?” he asked. “Can’t you just enjoy our one chance at another life?” He punctuated his question with a lunge, driving his blade toward the barbarian’s chest.

Purple Heart hesitated, allowing the mimic’s words to distract him long enough so that he couldn’t dodge the incoming blade unscathed. Just as the tip of Wits’ sword was about to pierce his chest armor, he jerked to the side, letting the blade scratch through his armor and across part of his chest. He stood there, wincing in pain as he breathed.

“You and I both know that us three don’t belong here,” Purple Heart panted, his breathing labored. “What about our families back home? Don’t you think that our absence has affected them in some way? How can you be so selfish to believe that we can stay here of all places? Do you think that Discord will just let us stay in Equestria after this is all over with? Celestia and Luna have final say!” He inhaled deeply and turned to present his hindquarters to the mint unicorn. “Nail Kick!” The attack scattered its shotgun effect in a wide pattern, leaving little room for Wits End to escape.

With no room to maneuver, Wits End took a different tactic. He grabbed one of the surrounding zombies with his magic and pulled it towards him, using the pale, unsuspecting pegasus as a shield. “It’s because we have to go back that we should enjoy the time we have!” he countered, letting the defeated zombpony drop. “This is literally a one-in a lifetime opportunity! Besides, if you really wanted to go back that badly, we should’ve refused to play from the very beginning. Where was your consideration then?”

“I was wondering, ‘what could go wrong’?” Purple Heart snapped, mimicking Wits’ thought process by grabbing a hapless zombpony. He paused in his action to continued speaking. “See how that’s come to bite me in the butt? I thought that Discord wouldn’t go rooting around inside our heads to find the pieces of villains that we would fear the most and then slap them all together without reading the warning label! Bael isn’t exactly made of the nicest things and Holdfast certainly has his own issues with you! I want this to end now so that we don’t sacrifice the lives of our new friends! And Light Patch!” He hurled the zombpony at Wits End, then threw a hoof out, gesturing at the fighting mares and colt.

The male pegasus in question was holding the frontline with Applejack while Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and Twilight provided ranged support. Rarity and Fluttershy stayed back to heal the forward fighters as well as supply crowd control to ease the stress of the frontline.

Now it was Wits’ turn to hesitate as he turned to watch the fighting ponies. A move that cost him a body-blow via zombpony. “Don’t you think that’s what I was doing in Gallopilli?” he growled, tossing the pony to the side. “Of course this world is dangerous! Their world is dangerous!” He waved a hoof at the mares. “Haven’t you seen it? Literally every week there something huge and terrible going on!”

The mint-colored stallion snapped his sword handle out into a spear, “And yet they’re doing fine! Heck, they’ve done better than we have! They haven’t gotten blackmailed, or arrested and put in the dungeon, or almost gotten their faces bashed in by a giant hammer. If anything, we’re more dangerous to them than anything else in this world!” Wits charged forward, swinging his polearm straight down at Purple Heart’s head. “So yeah, maybe I’m doing them a favor by leaving!”

Lifting a foreleg to block the downstroke, Purple Heart gritted his teeth as the blade bit into his leather armored leg. He took the advantage and darted forward, bringing himself deep within Wits End’s guard. “Exactly!” he hissed. “The quicker we leave, the quicker we get out of their lives and back to our own! They can take care of themselves! We’re just making it worse!” Purple Heart’s signature attack leapt to the front of his mind out of habit. His left eye twitched and he shook the urge off, electing to simply punch Wits End point blank in the chest.

Wits End knew he was in trouble. He had gotten in close with a reach weapon, and now he was running out of options. Rather than take another body-shot straight on, he opted to drop his weapon and cross his forelegs in front of him. “Oaken Shield!” At their close proximity, the bark and brambles only mitigated the blow, and Wits felt the pain radiate through his body. “And what if I don’t want to leave them?” he asked through clenched teeth; both from the physical and emotional pain. “Once we leave, there no guarantee we can come back! How do I decide between staying with friends or going back to my home?”

Purple Heart couldn’t come up with a retort to that, one that didn’t sound sappy. But he had to try. “Have you forgotten the basis of their entire motto?” he asked, his voice softening. “Friendship is Magic. And friends-”

“I have seen enough.” The light of Sol Eater loomed behind the purple barbarian pony. “And I cannot allow you to pollute my princess’ mind any further.” The light flared, casting the rest of the room into shadow by comparison. “Your time has come to an end, young warrior.” Sol Eater’s forehoof shone with flames like a solar flare on its way through the barbarian’s back, emerging through his chest.

Purple Heart’s eyes widened in shock and pain as he looked down to see the bright hoof sticking out the front of his chest. He coughed as his sight dimmed. He could make out a fuzzy expression of surprise on Wits’ face before his sight faded to black. A scream of surprise echoing in the distance was all he could hear before all sound and sight ceased.

* * *

A shiver raced down Bael’s spine, jerking him from the preparations for making the seal that would bind the god-being long enough for him to relieve the individual of their power. Bael frowned at the sensation, examining the pull that tugged at his chest. Something was wrong, that much he knew. But he couldn’t put his finger on it…

His sharp intake of breath drew the appraising gazes of several ponies that lived as citizens of Just Duty’s land. The sensation wasn’t new. He’d felt it the first time when Purple Heart had been on the verge of death after Grim Hammer had struck him through the Coliseum wall.

“Something has happened to the Barbarian,” Bael muttered, eyes flicking to where the tug in his chest was pulling him towards. “He’s underground… And he’s on the verge of death...”

“And let me guess, you’re the only one allowed to kill him?” Just Duty replied looking up from his conversation with the head of the town guard.

Eyes narrowing, Bael turned to stare down at the lord. “I’d prefer to be the one, yes,” he allowed through gritted teeth. “It is my prerogative to end him. I mean to question the god-being why he created me with such a purpose.”

Just Duty shrugged. “A reasonable question, I have my own as well.”

Bael rolled his eyes, filing away the location the pull was dragging at his chest towards in the back of his mind for later use. He’d deal with whoever thought to usurp his purpose after the binding and sapping.

With a deep inhale to calm himself and focus his mind, the tall being pulled the enchanted sword from the satchel hanging from his broad shoulders. The blade shone dully in the late afternoon sun and a faded aura covered the business end of the weapon. He’d charged the enchantment earlier to prepare for the afternoon. Cradling the weapon in his large hands, Bael looked to where Holdfast stood, directing the ponies digging the seal circle.

“How much longer?” the grey being asked, trying not to come off as impatient or petulant.

Holdfast waved a pair of laborers away. “Nearly finished, assuming your designs are correct.” He flashed a derisive smile at the biped. “Don’t worry your strange little head. I’m sure your barbarian will find some way to survive. If not, good riddance to the only real threat among them.”

Bael frowned at the barb but ignored it, electing to instead shift his expression to one of indignance. “Of course the designs are correct,” he sniped. “I had to pour over dozens of books to find them. I even ripped the pages out just to trace them. Don’t say I half-arse my plans.”

“Considering that you have managed to hold our little group together I believe that is very clear.” He gave the guard captain a nod and walked to be near Bael. “All town’s ponies other than the guards are in their basements, and as safe as we can make them should this battle became more heated than we anticipated.” A frown grew over his face. “To think that we’re talking so casually about bringing a god low, as if it was nothing more than a powerful demon or wizard.”

“Assuming it is anything more than a demon or wizard,” Holdfast added. “The circle is finished. Whenever you’re ready to start this.”

Bael nodded in acknowledgement to the unicorn and looked to Just Duty. “Are your citizens aware of the possibility of migraines and some exhaustion?” he asked.

“Yes they have been informed of the risks. To minimize them, most are in basements towards the outskirts of the ring, and none are alone. The guards have been instructed to stay towards the outside of the ring as well. The archers and mages stand ready to assist if needed, but I fear if we need them we’ve already lost,” Just Duty said, watching them move away from where they’d finished with the circle.

“Perfect,” Bael grinned. “Now, let us cast down a god.”

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Purple Heart, Wits End

Chapter 74: REVENGEANCE (Nobody gets to kill my friends but me!)

Twilight had looked up from her fight with the zombies just in time to see Sol Eater strike Purple Heart down. Her eyes widened in surprise.

“Purple Heart!” she shouted. The rest of the party paused in their fights and looked towards the downed pony. Fluttershy gasped in surprise along with Rarity.

“He surely can’t be, I mean he’s not...” Rarity’s voice trailed off, unable to finish.

“Tarnation,” Applejack growled, facing down the wall of zombponies between them and the fallen stallion. “There’s too many of them!”

“Well, we’ve gotta do something!” Rainbow Dash shouted, firing a trio of arrows into the horde. “We can’t just leave him there with Wits and Light Lady!”

Pinkie Pie let out a groan. “If only one of us could fly over and save him!” she wailed, pulling on her mane in despair. “If only fate had given some of us the power of flight!” The party pony paused for a moment. “Oh...wait.”

Twilight quickly looked around at the party before her eyes hardened. “Every pony, I’ve got a plan!” she called “If Applejack and Rainbow Dash can take the pressure off of Light Patch and Pinkie, then Pinkie can use her cannon to clear the way for Light Patch to fly in and get Purple Heart out of there.” Twilight moved to take Applejack’s spot in the battle.

“You need the pressure off?” Rainbow Dash took to the air. “Consider it off!” She shot upwards, looping back to shoot through the horde, knocking zombified ponies away from the pink mare and grey stallion. Applejack moved into the opening, throwing lassos to form a makeshift barrier between the zombponies and the party. “Get going, you two!”

“Pinkie, if you’d kindly-”

“Make a hole?” the pink mare finished. “Of course.” She brought her cannon to bear upon the obstacle and let loose with as rapid a fire as possible. Using the distraction, Light Patch swiftly flew to where the purple earth pony lay and snatched him away before Sol Eater could stop them. Light Patch’s eyes briefly locking with Wits before he disappeared back into the chaos of the battle, returning to the mares.

Sol Eater watched dispassionately as the pegasus flew away. “No matter,” she said. “His fate is sealed already. All their fates are.” She turned to Wits End, a smile on her face. “What a horrible creature, yes? Trying to use your former friendship to manipulate you.” She ran a hoof along his jaw. “You are better off without them. You are where you belong.”

“Where I belong…” After a long pause, Wits chuckled. “Yeah, you’re right. I belong here.”

The Lady of Sunlight’s smile widened. “Yes. Yes you do.”

“I belong here,” he continued, his eyes hardening, “because it’ll be easier to whoop your flank you from this close!”

Steel glinted into the dark cavern, cutting through silvery silk. In a flash, Sol Eater leaped back, her cloak torn and exposing the armor underneath. “How?” she asked, her voice wavering. Then, her jaw set. “Why?”

Wits collapsed the hilt of his blade, holding it off to his side. “Somepony like you,” he said, his voice holding an edge, “doesn’t get an explanation about friendship.”

“Friendship?” Sol Eater laughed. The sound sent a tremor through the ground beneath them. “Oh, my little pony. You could have had the friendship you seek so earnestly if you had stayed with me.” Her aura of light flared, turning the dark of the cave into daylight. “You will burn, and you will join my children.”

“Oh shut up, you overgrown flashlight.” Wits pointed the tip of his sword at the alicorn, the rare serious expression on his face. “You’ve gotten enough time to shoot your mouth off. Now it’s time to shut it for good.”

Sol Eater’s eyes widened for one moment, only to drop back into a relaxed smile. “And what will you do? You cannot defeat a goddess with a blade like that. Besides, you are not capable of killing any pony.”

“Didn’t I just say to shut up?” Wits End grinned, an action more like a wolf baring its teeth than a smile. “There was a pony that thought I wasn’t a threat. All he did was threaten my friends.” He stopped grinning and sheathed his blade. “I destroyed the life he’d built for himself. After what you just did, do you really think I’d settle for killing you?”

The Lady of the Sun paused. For the first time, she saw the small stallion in a different light. “And what do you think you could do?”

Wits End shook his head and sighed. “It’s a shame the ponies who would appreciate this reference are preoccupied.” A wispy, silver light began to emanate from his horn, drifting its way toward the alicorn. “After all, you gave me the instrument of your own downfall.”

Sol Eater’s eyes widened. “A mimic?” she breathed. “But I thought-”

“There’s only so many times I can say ‘shut up’ before I get tired,” Wits muttered. “It doesn’t matter, I suppose. No-pony will be hearing from you ever again.”

“Wha-”

The light from Wits’ horn wrapped around the alicorn’s own horn. “Sol Eater,” Wits stated. “You will go back to whatever dark hole you crawled out of all those years ago, and you will never, ever, leave.” He smiled again, which did not reach his eyes. “Think about what you’ve done until the end of time. Enjoy the darkness, Lady of Sunlight.”

The magic of Wits’ Guiding Sunlight entered Sol Eater’s body. With a burst of light, the mare vanished, casting the cavern in to pitch blackness.

“And that,” Wits End’s voice echoed in the dark, “is why you shouldn’t hurt my friends.” A moment later, there was the dull thud of a pony hitting the stone floor.

“Some pony give me light! I can’t keep Purple Heart alive in the dark!” Light Patch shouted.

Twilight wasted no time casting the Flame spell, holding it above their group so that the glow provided illumination for Light Patch to work in.
Light Patch nodded a thanks as he got back to work tending to the downed barbarian. “Now would be a great time for Demetro to show up. Or maybe Hawkeye. I’ll actually take most any surgeon or super healer,” he muttered, expending the last of his mana on a healing spell. “Fluttershy, once you're done checking the others, I could use some help.”

“In a moment,” the yellow pegasus promised, moving from mare to mare, checking them for injuries. “I think Wits fell unconscious. Could somepony please get him over here?”

“Ah’ll do it,” Applejack called, tramping her way through the freshly laid carpet of zombpony bodies. “Twi, could you give us some more light please? I’m afraid ah’ll step on Wits.” Before Twilight could pump more magic into her Flame spell, a loud squeak sounded in the darkness.

“Found ‘im,” Applejack reported, dragging Wits End over to the other mares. Twilight rolled her eyes and moved the little flame she controlled to the center of the room in an attempt to provide more illumination. Rainbow Dash fluttered over to where Light Patch was working on Purple Heart. The cyan pegasus inhaled sharply, wincing at the circular wound in the purple earth pony’s chest.

“That looks really painful,” she grimaced.

“It likely is,” Light Patch grunted, rummaging through his gear for anything useful. “I’ve done about all I can. Unless I can figure out how to supercharge my healing spells with that tome of power I’ve got. How’s Wits doing, Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy frowned. “Um, he has some bruises from fighting Purple Heart, but…” A loud snore rumbled from the mint-colored unicorn. “I think he’ll be fine.”

“Pretty sure,” Rainbow Dash agreed, letting Wits drop to the ground. “How about P.H.? Is he gonna…”

“I’m not strong enough to fix this, but if we book it, I can keep him alive long enough to get him to some help,” Light Patch responded, looking thoughtfully at the stallion. “Maybe I should try poking the wound to keep him angry enough to stay around so he can sock me back,” he mused out loud.

“Can he be moved safely?” Twilight asked, walking over to join the grey pegasus. She settled her questioning gaze on Light Patch, eyebrow arched as she awaited his answer.

“Ideally, we’d have the time to build a stretcher or even a travois,” he replied, poking the stallion’s wound. “But since we’re in a rush, it might be best if somepony carry him. I’ll start with carrying him, though somepony else might have to if we gotta go the long way back to the surface.”

A loud clunk echoed through the chamber and a shaft of light appeared by an opening in the wall. All conscious eyes swivelled to Pinkie who stood innocently by a switch labeled ‘exit’.

“What?” she asked innocently. “I thought it was a cake sale for, by, and with spiders. I wanted to give ‘em some bits.”

“Well, what’re we waitin’ for?” Applejack shouted, hefting Wits End onto her back. “Let’s get outta this rattlesnake den!” The mares and Light Patch scrambled through the opening and careened upwards towards the surface and freedom from the confines of the gloomy tunnel system. It didn’t take long for the group to escape the caverns through a cave mouth and out onto a plateau jutting from a mountainside. They all gathered together, assessing their conditions and inhaling deeply, basking in the fresh air of the forested mountainside.

“Ah, fresh air,” Rainbow Dash sighed happily. “Much better than what we were breathing down there.”

“It’s definitely a relief to be out in the open again,” Rarity agreed.

“You know what else would be a relief?” Light Patch grunted shifting the weight of the downed barbarian on his back. “Not having to carry this sack of useless not potato products. Which way, Twilight?”

“Why are you asking me?” Twilight snapped. “We just crawled through what might be miles of tunnels. We could even be halfway back to Gallopilli right now. Why ask me?”

“Because we are birds of a crazy prepared feather and you went to a library earlier in our adventures. So, I’m assuming you memorized and or traced a map of the kingdom at the very least,” Light Patch returned.

Any further arguing was forestalled when a snort came from the pony on Applejack’s back.
“Huh, wha-” Wits looked around, blinking the sleep from his eyes only to have them happily stabbed by sunlight. “Hey… What’s that giant ball?”

“Huh?” Twilight grunted intelligently. She shook her head, ignoring Wits’ ramblings for what they were: nonsense. “How do you feel, Wits? It seemed like you managed to throw off enough of the Lady’s control to fight back.”

“Yeah, well…” Wits rolled onto the ground, picking himself up and brushing the resulting dust off. “I had some more important things than devotion to Bizarro-Celestia on my mind.” His face fell. “How’s Purple Heart doing? Is he-” He froze as he saw the hole in his friend’s chest. “Oh, that does not look good. Pretty sure that means he’s gonna turn into a violent ghost with a white mask.”

“Well, it’d be a lot less worse if we had moonlight and some gold from Isla de Muerta.” Light Patch replied. “How about you, though? It’d speed us up a little if you could move on your own.”

“I’ll be fine.” Wits waved a dismissive hoof. “I just needed a power-nap. Telling an elder god to GTFO takes a lot out of a pony.” He gave the felled Purple Heart another look. “Should his chest hole really be exposed like that? Does this game system take infection into account?” He shuddered. “Or what happens if a branch or something catches on it? Eeeeeew…”

“Then we sell him as a pinata and go find a new meatshield for the party.” Light Patch flailed as he tried to keep from toppling over after Rarity kicked him. “Ow! Okay! Seriously though, all of the bandages I had were too short and I couldn’t figure out how to tie them together with my hoofs,” the pegasus said as he readjusted the barbarian he carried.

“Why don’t we find a way to close that up instead of making jokes and puns?” Twilight snapped frostily. “I’m sure Purple Heart would be grateful if we did that.”

“Will this help?” Pinkie Pie asked, pulling a roll of grey tape from her mane. “It’s called duck tape I think. But it doesn’t quack. Phooey.”

Wits grinned. “Perfect. Let's put him on that rock and give him the whole Cardinal Verdant treatment.”

Light Patch nodded and swiftly dropped Purple Heart on the rock before beginning to stretch. “You wanna tape him up, Fluttershy? Or should I do it?”

“Um, perhaps you should do it. I mean, you are a healing class,” she said quietly. Light Patch shrugged and took the tape from Pinkie.

“Can I do it?” After receiving the tape, Wits pulled at adhesive strip. Almost immediately, the mint-colored unicorn found his legs tangled in a mess of silvery tape. “On second thought,” he offered meekly, “maybe you should handle this.” He tipped over and landed on his side with a soft squeak.

“I’ll tape up the barbarian. You girls deal with… that,” Light Patch ordered as he waved a hoof at the restrained unicorn. “Besides, I’ve watched enough of the Red Green show to be an expert hoof with duct tape.”
With that, Light Patch patched a few of the short bandages over the holes before wrapping the tape all around Purple Heart’s hefty chest. “Well, if the mares don’t find me handsome, they’ll at least find me handy. You girls finished freeing the minty wonder?”

Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and the aforementioned minty stallion were all stuck together, be it by legs, manes, or flanks. “We’re having some, uh, technical difficulties,” Rainbow Dash grumbled. “Anypony got scissors or something?”

“I just don’t know what went wrong,” Pinkie moaned.

Light Patch looked over at Twilight and the other mares not currently trapped. “You wanna try to fix this Twilight or should I?”

“I’ll give it a go,” the alicorn said, smiling bemusedly at the mess. She lowered her horn and directed a beam of magic at the trio, sending it searching for a weak point in the bindings.

“Aha!” She crowed and her magic twisted slightly, ripping the tape from the three ponies, leaving them wide-eyed on the ground together. “Brace yourselves. Pain is coming in three, two...one.”

A cloud of smoke poofed into existence in the middle of the party, bringing with it the smell of newly opened trading card packs and 3-day old markers. “Now, I don’t want anypony to panic,” a figure in the smoke said, waving his mismatched forelimbs in an attempt to clear the air. “But you see…”

The three recently freed ponies began screaming at the top of their respective lungs.

“Oh.” The smoke figure paused. “So, maybe you do know it’s time to panic.”

Twilight gaped at the figure in surprise and awe. The rest of the painless Mane Six and Light Patch reeled in shock upon recognizing the hazy features of Discord.

The draconequus innocently waved a clawed hand and smiled toothily. “Didya miss me?”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Light Patch, Wits End

Chapter 75: Angsty Ponies are Angsty

“I must say, you ponies have done a marvelous job of playing my little game,” Discord mused. He clapped his paw and claw together. “I applaud you. Well done.” No pony responded while Discord looked around at the party. Light Patch looked critically at the draconequus for a few seconds. He opened his mouth to ask a question but was cut off by Discords words.

“You all seem to be in one piece as well.” He smiled, eyeing each of the ponies in turn, only to have that smile disappear upon seeing the duct tape swathed Purple Heart.

“Oh,” he grunted, pacing over to where the purple earth pony lay. “Looks like you went all ‘Ace in the hole’, hum? Not to worry. I have enough juice left to de-hollow you.” The draconequus snapped his fingers and poked Purple Heart’s nose with a claw. The purple earth pony jerked awake and bellowed a pained roar, causing Fluttershy to squeak in surprise due to proximity and hide behind Light Patch. The duct tape was ripped from Purple Heart’s torso to reveal an unblemished purple coat.

“Ah,” Discord hummed. “He’s awake now.” Again Light Patch opened his mouth to ask a question before a sudden blow from behind stopped him.

“WHO’S BEEN DANCING ON MY CHEST?!” Purple Heart shouted, body contorted with pain and surprise. “WAS THERE TAPE HERE?! I CAN’T FEEL MY NIP-” A paw shot out and clamped the Purple Barbarian’s jaw shut.

“Tsk tsk,” Discord sighed. “Keep it PG-13, boyo.” Purple Heart’s cobalt eyes blinked and widened when they caught Discord’s grinning visage.

“Miph-mord?” Purple Heart’s voice was muffled by Discord’s paw.

“In the flesh!” Discord grinned widely, hoping that he was hiding his fear well enough.

Purple Heart’s eyes narrowed and rage sparked within them. He reached up with a hoof and tore Discord’s paw away. “YOU!” he roared. He tried to get up, intending to give the draconequus a thorough hiding only to fall drunkenly off the rock when his limbs disagreed to do as told.

“Hold up, you just got back from being mostly dead,” Light Patch said, moving to force the stallion to stay in place.

Wits nodded. “You shouldn’t go draconequus-bashing for at least an hour.” He turned around, glaring at Discord. “The rest of us, on the other hoof…” Light Patch placed a hoof on the mint unicorn to hold him back.

“Calm down, we have plenty of time. Besides, I’ve got a question and he can’t answer it very well with his teeth knocked out.” The pegasus turned to address Discord. “What was that you said while the bad tape trio was busy screaming our ears off? I thought I heard you say something about ‘knowing’ and ‘time’?”

Discord blanched. “Oh,” he mumbled, his exuberance dimming. “You heard that, did you? Great.”

Twilight scrutinized the flustered draconequus. “Discord?” She prompted. “Is something wrong?”

“Maybe,” Discord replied, a touch too quickly. “It’s probably nothing, nothing to worry about whatsoever.” His grin returned but the Mane Six could see fear flickering in his eyes. “Congratulations! You successfully completed my little game! Props to you all! Now to get us all back home!” He snapped his fingers, leaving no room for the ponies to respond.

Nothing happened.

He snapped again.

“Is somethin’ supposed ta happen?” Applejack asked, frowning critically at Discord when again nothing about the situation changed.

“Er...” Discord’s blanched look returned.

“Perfect,” Purple Heart sighed from where he lay beside the rock he’d previously been occupying. “Ya dun goofed, Discord. Well done.”

Wits looked down. “Am I home? Is this home? Did somepony reset my spawn point?” He turned back to Discord, tapping his hoof on the ground. “You wanna ‘splain some things, buddy?”

Discord shifted uncomfortably under the glares of ten ponies. “Not really?” He said.

“Tell us,” Purple Heart growled. “What. Did. You. Do?”

With a sigh, Discord sat.

On the ground.

“Oh carp, I’m not gonna like this, am I?” the grey pegasus asked before his mouth was zipped shut by a snap of Discords claw. The Mane Six ignored Light Patch’s silencing in favor of gaping at Discord’s lack of conjuration for personal seating.

“Remember Holdfast, Just Duty, and Bael?” The Draconequus asked, directing his question towards the six mares. When they nodded slowly in confirmation, Discord continued. “I created them specifically to antagonize or hinder them.” He jerked a clawed thumb at Purple Heart, Light Patch, and Wits End.

“So?” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Why should we be worried?”

“Yeah,” Pinkie Pie chimed. “You made them for funnies. What’s so scary about that?”

“It’s not the fact that I created them that’s worrisome,” Discord denied. “It’s how.”

“And how,” Twilight asked, “did you create them?”

Light Patch frowned as he mulled over Discord’s words. Not that he created them so much as how. With the power like Discord, how would I create villains meant to be tailored to specific people... Light Patch pondered for a few moments before it clicked in his head. It’s simple: I’d read their mind to tailor the villain to their likes so they’d take them seriously and weaknesses to make them… dangerous. His eyes widened in fear.

“Mughmuh.” He mumbled, pawing at his mouth trying to unzip it. After a few seconds of trying he stopped and punched Wits End in the side to get his attention.

The unicorn stallion turned to glare at his friend but the moment he locked eyes with Light Patch, the pegasus’ hooves latched onto the sides of his head. “Muh mund ooh or mund, muh oughts ooh or oughts,” the pegasus mumbled through his zipped lips, almost like he was chanting.

“What in the world do you think you’re doing?” Wits asked. “Some sort of Vulcan mind mel-” The mint unicorn cut off as he realized what the pegasus was trying to tell him. With a growl, the unicorn whipped around to glare at Discord, actual rage in his eyes. “YOU PULLED THEM OUT OF OUR BRAINS? ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY INSANE?”

“Entirely possible,” Purple Heart moaned, eyes bright with terror. “We aren’t exactly known for reading fluffy, nice things. I mean, he based Bael off of a daemonhost from carping GRIM DARK of all places and threw in a dash of Enel and Doffy for seasoning!”

“What are you three talking about?” Twilight asked, eyes narrowed at the three colts. “Grim dark, vulcan mind melds, daemonhosts? What kind of ponies are you?” The colt’s babbling ceased instantly and they blanched, matching Discord’s expression.

“Now isn’t that an interesting question,” Discord mused. “What do you three think? Should we spoil the secret?”

Wits End shook his head, his lips pressed tightly together. “Mmm mn,” he muttered; a vaguely negative sound.

“Nope,” Purple Heart denied, heaving himself to his hooves. “I like being not being a bruise personified. Someone else do the-” He blinked and arched an eyebrow at Discord. “Huh. Looks like the voice ban is off. Joy.”

“Mmph!” Light Patch screamed through his zipped lips. A snap of the claws cleared them away. “Finally! Anyway, question: who’s gonna spill the beans?”

“Nose goes!” Purple Heart called, jerking a hoof to his nose. He then darted behind the rock he’d vacated.

“I’d love to,” Wits started, “buuuuut I gotta go... iron my... dinner. See ya!” With that, he took off to join Purple Heart behind the large rock. “Good luck!”

Light Patch nervously looked up at Discord only to find a dust cloud in his general shape. “I hope the lot of you cowards rot!” He glanced behind him before quickly muttering the Spathi prayer. He then fixed a nervous grin to his face before slowly turning to face the six angry mares. “Heh heh, so, uh... There might be something. A small, fairly inconsequential piece of information that we colts—and I would hasten to note that we didn’t exactly have a say in the matter of sharing this information for the record—haven’t exactly been in a hurry to try and bring up.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed. Her Honesty senses were tingling slightly, signalling to the orange earth pony that Light Patch was dancing around the truth.

“Ah take it Discord did somethin’ that prevented ya from speakin’ of it?” She asked shortly.

“Something like that,” Light Patch said as he nervously chuckled. “Funny thing, huh? He made so that we were unable to talk or accidentally say something that would likely cause the suspicious of it to be brought up. He’s even kind of kept us from using our real names. Isn’t that something? I mean, magic like that has to be fairly powerful and you know it’s kind of lik-”

“Oh, get on with it!” Rainbow Dash shouted.

“Yeah, get on with it!” Purple Heart parroted from his hiding place.

“Hey, shut up! If you're not gonna help me explain this so I don’t get turned into a pinata at a Pinkie party, then leave me to it, you blighted rotters!” he shouted, waving a hoof angrily. He turned around to look at the mares again, all of the bravado he’d had fading instantly. “Ah... Heh...anyway, um... We aren’t exactly, I mean to say we’re not, we weren’t.”

“Yes?” Twilight and the mares leaned in.

“We weren’t born as ponies.” Light Patch squeaked.

“So what then, Gryphons?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Or were you buffalos?”

“Oooh what about a Flursering-Fluttiken-Wibklunk?” Pinkie asked.

“I said we couldn’t say what we were, Pinkie. No. Uhm... We were...uh...human,” Light Patch finished.

Twilight gasped in surprise. “You mean you went to Canterlot High? Is the portal open on that side now?” She moved in closer, putting her face directly in front of Light Patch’s face. “How’s Sunset Shimmer? And the rest of the girls? Are they all still in a band? How about Flash Sent-” Light Patch fell backwards as he tried to back away.

“I don’t exactly know. See, you’re thinking of the wrong planet full of humans,” Light Patch said from his prone position. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”

Twilight went silent for a moment, the gear in her head turning almost audibly. “So… You’re from the moon?”

“VE ARE FROM ZE DARK SIDE OF ZE MOON,” Wits shouted from the background. “VE KOME IN PEACE!”

“Shut up, Wits! You’re not helping!” Light Patch shouted, scooting away frantically. “We’re from a different universe! Discord nabbed us from our home, turned us into ponies, and threw us into this game with you lot!”

Rainbow Dash was the first of the mares to react. “So let me get this straight,” she said. “You three not only are from another world, which you somehow managed to not mention for… however long it’s been because time is weird here, but you’re from another world with creatures identical to another world we know about that has creatures with the same species name as yours, which also somehow had knowledge of our history and the six of us in particular.”

“That sounds about right!” Pinkie agreed.

“And how do you know about us?” Rarity asked.

“You have a TV show,” Wits offered from the distance.

“...Does it do well?”

“You have no idea.”

“We’ve spilled the beans. Can we stop playing the ‘Let’s pack in around Light Patch like predators and make him a’feared for his life’ game?” the pegasus asked, prompting the mares to give him a smidge more space. “Can I get a little more? I still feel kind of like if I was a hostage… oh.”

Twilight was alternating between glaring at the pegasus in front of her and the purple pony and minty pony peaking out from behind a rock that protected them both from her lightning bolts.“So you’ve been lying to us this whole ti-”

“Not to interrupt,” Discord cut in, appearing next to Light Patch, “but do you mind if we move this conversation elsewhere? Nothing extremely important, but we should probably not stay here for very long.”

“I’ve been pondering that myself,” Purple Heart said, poking at Discord with a forehoof. “What, exactly, are you doing here? Aren’t GMs supposed to stay hidden and throw threats at us from over a distant hilltop?” He poked harder, leaving sizable bruises in the mismatched godling’s side. “And what happened in that last quest, huh? Wayward Sun was more of a joke than Foxy the Silver Fox was. And that pirate was a sneaky little git.”

“Ah... Yes, well, honestly, I’d thought this whole little thing was starting to get a bit boring, but I’d have hated to have left it unfinished. So, I thought I’d rush-” The sudden sound of footsteps stopped Discord cold.

“It appears we have arrived just in time to make sure the truth is heard,” Just Duty said, walking towards the group along with the other two villains.

“Almost a shame.” Holdfast trotted up, flanked by a pair of ponies clad in full plate armor. “If we had waited a while longer, maybe they would have finished each other off.”

“Indeed,” Bael agreed cheerfully, bouncing up to crouch on the rock that Purple Heart and Wits were hiding behind. “Truth is always best between friends, don’t you agree?” The grey creature’s question was directed at Purple Heart as the Purple Barbarian moved to join Light Patch. Wits followed, hiding behind the hefty earth pony he now claimed as meat shield.

The Purple Barbarian opened his mouth to make a retort when he noticed something resting on the rock between Bael’s clawed toes. It was a glass jar holding a bright blue light that flittered back and forth, knocking against the jar’s sides in fruitless attempts to escape captivity. Bael followed Purple Heart’s gaze and a wide grin stretched across the bipedal being’s face.

“Noticed finally, haven’t you?” He clucked. “For shame, Primarch. Not even aware of his subordinates. All-Father would be disappointed in you. I captured her a ways back, leading some daemon-ponies of all things.” Long grey fingers reached down to pluck the jar from where it sat. Bael brought the vessel up to eye level, his green orbs sparking malevolently at the occupant. He languidly waved a hand and threads of green magic opened the jar and attached themselves to Navee’s fairy form, preventing escape.

“Tell me,” Bael mused, addressing the draconequus and ponies before him while his eyes blinked owlishly at a struggling Navee, “when you notice an insect on the ground, do you stop to consider it a fool? The life of an insect is so beneath you that it would be a waste of your time to even consider judging it. That would be an accurate summation on my feelings towards you ponies, regardless of my desired purpose.” Bael shoved Navee into his mouth and swallowed, drawing the power the Emerald Seed had given her back into himself where it belonged. The being smacked his lips and smiled darkly at the stunned mares and colts.

Without a word, Light Patch charged Bael, swinging his war hammer. Lips curving into a smug grin, Bael snapped his left hand forward and sent the grey pegasus flying towards Just Duty. “He’s all yours.”

“Thank you, demon. He may be a coward, but he still deserves a chance,” Just Duty said, pulling his warhammer out while moving closer to the downed pegasus.

“First of all,” Wits said, scrambling away from the biped, “dude just straight up ate fairy lady, which is entirely uncool.” He came to stand next to the rest of the adventurer ponies, plus Discord. “Secondly, what’re you three nerds doing together? I mean, you’ve got a guy who lost to me of all ponies.” He frowned at Holdfast. “Which is super embarrassing for you, by the way, ‘cause I suck at that kind of thing.” He spared a slow glance at the armored forms next to him before turning to Just Duty. “You’re… well, old, and from what I heard you barely beat Light Patch, so not entirely sure what you’re doing here.” Finally, the mint-colored stallion turned to Bael. “And you… Uh… Who are you, exactly?”

The grey figure grinned at Wits End from his perch on the rock. “I am the Purple Heart’s rage made corporeal,” Bael replied. “Your friend Discord made me with the sole purpose of antagonizing the Purple Barbarian. Before you ask about how I remain so calm, all I can say is that I am powered by his anger and hate. That doesn’t necessarily mean I am rage incarnate, though it does form a significant part of my personality. In regards to your original question, I am Bael.”

Wits End stared at the demonic biped for several seconds. His expression was blank, no sign of emotion. “Ok.” He shrugged. “Whatever you say, Edgelord. I gotta say, I’m surprised you’re not red and black, a bat pony alicorn, and in a relationship with Luna.” He coughed and shifted to lean against Purple Heart. “So he’s Original the Character, huh?”

The purple earth pony shrugged. “I dunno,” he replied. “As for his lack of black and red, my favorite colors are purple, green, blue, and grey. In that order. Discord must have been conservative with his color palette.” He cast an unamused glare over his shoulder at the cringing draconequus.

“I was pressed for time,” Discord whined.

“Poor show,” Wits muttered, shaking his head in disappointment. His head snapped up as he pointed a hoof at Just Duty, still advancing on Light Patch’s fallen form. “Hey! No! Leave it! Don’t make me find a spray bottle, buddy.”

“Relax, mage. I don’t plan on exactly killing him ye-” The ex-paladin was interrupted Light Patch’s hooves grabbed and pulled him close.

“I can taste colors.” He muttered deliriously. “And yours are the best, they taste like… bitter chocolate.”

Just Duty grimaced and pulled the dazed pegasus off of himself. “I want him at least conscious when the battle starts,” he said, glaring towards Holdfast and Bael. “I need all of you ready,” he whispered.

“So you’re set on fighting?” Twilight asked. “You know we don’t have to do this, right?

“Oh there will be a fight here.” Just Duty replied giving a look to Purple Heart and Wits End. Wits raised his eyebrows, only to narrow them and nod, almost imperceptibly. Purple Heart’s eye twitched and he blinked once before jerking his head in acknowledgement. He then moved his gaze to Twilight.

“Okay, this might not seem like the best time,” he wondered aloud, “but Navee just died. And you’re all okay with that? ‘Course, I’m not too choked up about it, but I’m not exactly apathetic to the whole experience.” He waved a hoof at a surprised Bael. “He just ATE her! Whole! One swallow, gone! Although, I must admit, thank you for not going titan and spraying blood ‘n’ guts ‘n’ wing everywhere.”

“You’re asking me that?” Twilight shook her head.

Purple Heart blinked. “Um, yes?” he replied. “You mares are certainly more moral and sensitive than I am. I honestly thought Fluttershy would faint after that.”

Twilight sighed, turning away from the threat of danger to face Purple Heart. “It’s because I’ve been thinking about what you said before. Surprisingly enough, after a while to ponder, I think you’re right.”

“Hooo?” The purple earth pony hummed, blinking curiously at the alicorn.

“About this.” She made a broad sweeping motion toward the world around them. “And about them.” She made a less-broad sweeping motion toward the foes around them. “Non-Player Characters, right? They served their purpose, and then they disappear. Like actors in a play. It makes this all easier to deal with.” Twilight turned to Discord with a smile. “After all, it’s just a game, right?”

“A game. You think that all of this is a game. Made by the god we stole power from?” Just Duty asked, turning to face Discord who was fidgeting. “Well then please, master of the game, summon an arch. The gateway to reality from this falsehood.”

Discord gulped, thought for a few seconds, then with a snap caused an arch to appear. Through the arch could be seen a town, easily encompassing all around the arch. But what caught the attention of Just Duty the most were the two stunned Alicorns standing locked in surprise before the arch. “Twilight?” one of them quietly questioned before Discord snapped again and the arch faded away.

“Ordinarily, I don’t like to show off,” Discord said, ignoring the sound of six scoffing mares and a couple of similarly disbelieving stallions, “but since you asked, I thought it might be worth showing you what you’re dealing with here.” The draconequus shot into the air with a peal of lightning and the boom of thunder. “Yes, I am your god. This world is my creation, and you will obey me!”

Bael swivelled his head around and blinked twice at the draconequus. “Yeesh, dial the system lord shtick down,” he sighed. “If you so much as ‘Jaffa kree’, I’ll kick your mismatched rump into the middle of next week.”

“Please do, I’m having a rough time this week!” Discord grumbled, floating back down to earth.

Wits End was staring at the space of empty air where the arch had stood. “Literally the way outta here,” he muttered, using his forehooves to outline where the entrance had been. “Literally. Right here. The way out.” He turned to Discord, a mixture of disappointment and confusion on his face. “What gives, DisLancie?”

Discord coughed into his eagle claw. “Weeeell, that was about as long as I could hold the portal open. You remember how he,” he jerked a thumb at Just Duty, “said they stole power? I’m not exactly running on all cylinders right now.” He leaned in to let the unicorn stallion hear the slow, soft thump of machinery echoing inside the draconequus’ head.
Rainbow Dash joined in on staring at Discord in disbelief. “So that whole display was…”

“A frantic, last-ditch effort to make a show of force to con them into thinking I was still in charge?” Discord shrugged. “It was worth a shot, right?”

“So you’ve shown you still have a few of your powers. It’ll still take a bit more to prove to me that I, and this world, and most everything I hold dear are tokens you made for some game,” Just Duty said, glaring at Discord. “Show me something that you, as the controller of a game, could do that a god couldn’t. Show me the rules you can ignore.”

“So he has to insta-kill someone, bring someone back from the dead, or make two people fall in love,” Purple Heart mused. “Roight. Genie away.” Wits coughed loudly and jerked his head at the two warhammer-wielders.

Discord mused for a second. “I’m not usually one for shipping, but… I suppose I have enough power for a little cheating.” He leaned in, placing a single index finger on the noses of Just Duty and Light Patch. “Boop.”

Light Patch’s eyes snapped back into focus, hearts now replacing the irises and he stood up, looking around. He froze when his eyes locked on Just Duty’s eyes, which lacked the hearts. The two stared at each other for seconds before they suddenly embraced each other, occasionally nuzzling each other. They whispered things to the other that the rest of those present were frankly happy to be unable to hear. The two leaned in to kiss and, moments before their lips touched, Discord touched them both on the head, causing his effects to disappear just as the two kissed. Their pupils shrunk and they shot away from each other like similarly charged magnets spitting and rubbing at their lips before settling on glaring quietly at Discord.

“That was easier than I expected,” Discord mused.

“I’m torn between wishing I had a camera,” Wits muttered, “and wishing I had some bleach.”

Fluttershy’s eyes were wide. “O-oh my…”

“Huh,” Purple Heart grunted, eyes rapidly blinking as if to clear an obstruction. “That was an experience.”

“I’ll let you hit me just once in the head to get that out of my memory,” Bael declared, pointing a finger at the Purple Barbarian.

Just Duty’s glare faded as he realized what had set in. “He was under the effects of a love spell. I remember seeing the hearts. I know what they look like, draconequus. This proves nothing.”

Fluttershy half-stepped forward. “Um, your eyes didn’t have hearts, though,” she quietly said, causing the ex-paladin to whip around to face her.

“You’re lying. We already know you support this being,” he accused.

“As much as I’d hate to think of that memory again,” Holdfast said with a retching noise, “she is not lying. Your eyes held no hearts.”

Just Duty looked at the older stallion before turning to face Bael for further confirmation; a nod was his reply. He thought for a few seconds before looking up at Discord with concern. “Then this is- everything is- This really is all a game?”

Discord nodded slowly in trepidation. “Yeah,” he confirmed. “Really, it was a passing fancy to have some fun. I just made you three to add some spice to the experience.”

“A passing fancy,” Wits echoed. “A fancy that was dumb. And stupid. And stupid. And dumb.” He made a grumbling noise that might have been mistaken for something about towns and RPGs. “So, when do we beat the carp outta these nerds?”

“I was just wondering that myself,” Bael hummed, standing up on the rock to tower above the ponies and draconequus.

Just Duty stood staring at the ground, obviously conflicted. Suddenly, he picked up his warhammer and locked a glare on Discord. “I shall make you pay for messing with me. For lying to me. I knew they would,” he jerked his head at the two he’d arrived with, “but for you lot to lie to me, try to fool me into thinking that I am as fake as the fight between kingdoms in chess? I thought you were better than that. I thought you were all heroes, but I can see the only hero here is me. I shall show you all who is real!” he shouted, charging at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy froze in panic and whimpered as the ex-paladin approached. Just Duty’s charge was aborted when Light Patch’s warhammer appeared in his way. “Come on, don’t do this. They weren’t lying. I remember the hearts as well.”

“Lies,” the blue-grey stallion shouted, spit flying from his mouth as he swung his warhammer. Light Patch ducked under the swing and countered with one of his own.

“Fine then, but fight me. This time there won’t be an artifact to save you by interrupting our fight,” the grey pegasus shouted, working hard to dodge the savage and anger-infused swings of his opponent.

Bael leapt down from his perch and landed in front of Purple Heart, his clawed toes digging into the earth. “Let’s see if you’ve gotten better than when we last fought,” the two-legged being chuckled.

Purple Heart growled deep in his throat and barreled forward to attack his nemesis, courtesy crafted by Discord. He’d have to Gibb-smack the draconequus after this. If they survived.

“I suppose that leaves you and me,” Wits said, drawing his blade. He squared off against Holdfast and his guards. “I’ll give your other leg a scar to match the first one I gave you.”

Holdfast motioned with his head; the two armored ponies moving in between the two matched stallions. “You owe me for the bits you stole from me. I owe you for betraying me at Gallopilli.” He tapped his good forehoof on the ground. “Beat him. I want him in pain, but not dead.” The two guards rushed forward, splitting away to attack Wits from opposite sides.

The Mane Six just stood there in awe, watching as the three colts faced off against villains made specifically for them. Applejack glanced over at Discord.

“Why did ya have to make villains like them?” she asked grumpily, gesturing at the two stallions and bipedal being. “Couldn’t ya have settled for somepony like Chrysalis or Tirek? We at least know how ta beat those two.”

“I wanted something original,” Discord explained, wincing at a solid hit Purple Heart received.

“So you thought digging around in their heads looking for material was the next best thing?” Rarity sniffed haughtily.

“Well...yeah,” Discord replied.

“It’s not turning out too well for them,” Rainbow Dash commented, sucking air through her teeth when Light Patch was smashed through a tree by Just Duty.

“This isn’t funny anymore,” Pinkie Pie sighed morosely.

“I agree,” Fluttershy squeaked, cringing as Wits End was bashed down by a two-hoofed blow from one of the armored guards.

“Well obviously,” Discord snapped. “They’re fighting on their own.”

“Ah think we should help them,” Applejack offered.

“I don’t think so, girls,” Twilight said. “This is something the colts have to do for themselves.”

“HELP!” the Colts cried.

“Oh.” The mares leapt forward, intent on assisting the three colts against their respective opponents only to be stonewalled by Bael’s words.

“I don’t think so,” he snorted, backhanding Purple Heart’s face and following with a kick to the stallion’s recently healed chest. This elicited a grunt of pain from the colt as he flew away from Bael and landed just by the mares’ hooves, minor bruises and lacerations pockmarking his coat.

“Enough of this!” Wits pulled himself up and lunged, thrusting the tip of his sword into the slit of one guard’s visor. The blade slid in with no resistance, hitting the back of the helmet and popping it clean off. The mint-colored stallion froze at the sight of what was inside; or rather, the lack of anything inside. “Wha-” He was cut short by a charging tackle from the other suit of armor, sending him skidding away to join Purple Heart in a heap.

A loud crack tore through the field. Everypony present turned to see the two hammer heads pulling away from each other. Light Patch was panting heavily and his movements slow, whereas Just Duty still moved as if the fight had only begun. The pegasus stumbled from exhaustion and fell to the ground. He wasted no time in rolling to the side to dodge the first swing and tried to raise his warhammer to block a second. Just Duty’s hammer smashed through the shaft in its way to smash into the pegasus armor. Still winded from the blow, the pegasus didn’t see the second that sent him flying to join the heap of the other stallions.

“Well,” Discord clicked his tongue. “That could’ve gone better.”

Twilight turned on Discord, her wings flaring. “Do something!”

Discord’s eyes widened in surprise. “What am I supposed to do? They stole most of my powers!”

“You had enough power to get here,” Twilight said quickly. “Teleport us out of here!”

Discord paused for a moment. “Huh. That would work, wouldn’t it?” He wrapped one arm around the 9 adventurer ponies, and snapped the fingers of his other hand. In a puff of smoke—which smelled faintly of fudge and butterscotch—they were gone, leaving the villains alone.
Holdfast growled, grinding his good hoof into the ground as his guards, one helmetless, moved back to stand behind him. “They got away!”

“We will find them,” Just Duty growled, “They likely won’t have left the kingdom. There is too much potential support here for them.” He pawed at the ground unknowingly, almost as if reassuring himself it was still there beneath him. “I’ll chase them as far as I have to so they’ll pay for their lies.”

“If they haven’t left the country,” Bael said flatly, though his eyes contained a spark of fury and irritation, “then it would be wise of us to destabilize any possible safe haven they might run to. Starting with the capital, Gallopilli.” He turned to face his two cohorts. “Together, we can find them and defeat them. This is our world now. Let us keep it that way.”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 76: Running with Tails Firmly Between Legs

The ponies stumbled when Discord released them after arriving on terra firma. The mares blinked around in confusion, trying to recognize landmarks and anything familiar to pinpoint where the draconequus had brought them. Purple Heart stood on shivering legs, panting in pain as agony rippled from his chest wound.

“This is all kinds of ‘crap hitting the fan’ bad,” he gasped, eyes wide with fear.

“Hey, Psyka. Ya dead?” Light Patch asked from his prone position on the ground.

“Ya mon,” Wits End groaned, face down. “Did someone get the license number of that truck?” He paused, head slowly rising as he pondered his last statement. “Someone? Somebody. Person. On the other hand. Footwork. Guys? I think something is different.”

“Hurray for small mercies,” Light Patch cheered weakly, waving a hoof in small circles. “Oh gods, everything is pain.” He pulled himself up into a standing position. “Medic! ...Oh, wait.” He tapped himself with a healing spell. “Anyone got an idea where Discord brought us?”

“I’m right here, you know,” the mismatched being huffed. “All you had to do was ask.”

“Discord,” Fluttershy said softly, flapping towards the draconequus, “where did you take us?”

“I’m really hoping he found a control panel and shorted the wiring to get us out,” Purple Heart wheezed, limping over to a tree to rest against. “However, I think he’s shot the last of his juice.”

“We are, unfortunately, still in the game,” Discord said. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “In that direction is Roads Crossed, the first place you nine ponies saved. I thought it would be a good start for a base.”

“We’re still in the game, huh?” Rainbow Dash grunted. “Well, too bad for those bad guys. They’re trapped in here with us!”

“Nope,” Purple Heart disagreed from his seat by a tree. “We are well and truly quacked.” He frowned. “What, the censor is still on? Carp all, this is ridiculous.”

“Could be worse Purple Hea... Nope, never mind, the name thing is still on too. I call shenanigans. Also, a question, Discord. Is my assumption correct that those three have somehow wrested control of all of this,” Light Patch motioned to the surrounding area, “from you and now control it themselves?”

Discord sighed. “To some degree, they can’t completely change things like the landscape, but they do hold a substantially increased amount of power now.” Light Patch held up a hoof to silence the others.

“Then please do allow me to be the first to congratulate you.”

“On what?” Twilight shouted, glaring at the grey pegasus.

“Let me finish. Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on being Holodecked, Discord. Well done,” Light Patch said, slowly clapping.

Wits joined in with a single clap. “You done? ‘Cause I might be a while here.” Light Patch waved a hoof for him to go and Purple called from his tree spot.

“Go ahead, I need a few more moments.” Purple Heart said still leaning on the tree. “I’m still made of hurt.”

“I do think you shouldn’t go too hard on him though. He didn’t know us or our culture. But, that should have made him more cautious, so…do carry on,” Light Patch said, bowing out of the way. The mares just stood and stared, dumbstruck at the casual conversation. Discord was fidgeting.

“Right.” Wits coughed and stretched his neck, eliciting a pop and a sigh. The mint-colored stallion closed his eyes took a deep breath in and held it for a second, as if to calm himself. Finally, his eyes opened. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE CAPTAIN’S SHINY, SHINY SCALP IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN, DISCORD?”

Discord blinked. “Well I-”

“Not finished,” Wits interrupted. “First of all, you pulled us out of our original world, which was incredibly uncool of you, and I really think you owe us an apology for that. Then, you-”

“Right before we were about to fence too, don’t forget that bit,” Light Patch quickly interjected.

Wits nodded. “Yes, good point. You interrupted us when we were about to beat each other up. Then, you grabbed bits out of our brains in order to make the perfect villains,” he made air-quotes around the last two words, “which I’ll come back to in a minute. Then, you neglected to get rid of those villains once you were done. You really should recycle, you know.

“THEN, you jumped ahead in the story, skipping what I assume was a lot of worldbuilding and I’m really sad that we missed it. I think you owe me an apology personally for that. And finally, you decided that once we finished your final chapter, instead of just getting us straight outta dodge, you should just sit around and shoot your mouth off for a while, with the villains sneaking up behind us.”

Discord coughed uncomfortably. “Can I just-”

“I. AM. TALKING.” Wits End shot a glare at the mismatched creature that sent a chill down his heavily curved spine. “About that thing where you reached inside our brains to make these villains. Who the heck do you think we are, anyway?”

“Filled with a surprising amount of anger,” Discord muttered.

“That’s right! Writers! You literally chose the worse people to grab villains from! It’s like you decided to get a haircut from freakin’ Sweeney Todd! It’s dumb! And stupid! And stupid! And also dumb!”

“NUMBER THREE!” Purple Heart cried from where he rested, startling the Mane Six and Discord with his non sequitur interruption. “TOWNS! AND THE RPG!”

“And finally!” Wits said, having used the purple barbarian’s interruption as a chance to breathe in again. “None of this would’ve happened if you were just like,” he scrunch his chin into his neck, taking on a warbling, comical voice, “oh, I’m Discord, and I’m bored! I’mma grab me a bunch of guys from humantown and use them to make me not bored! Derpadoo!” His voice dropped back to normal as he glared in unamusement at the draconequus. “That was an impression of you, by the way.”

Applejack looked up from the small sundial she’d made from rocks to keep track of how long the rant had been going. “Ya’ll finished?”

Wits End sat down, slumping slightly to one side. “Yeah, I’m done. Kinda light-headed now.”

“Whew,” Discord sighed in relief, wiping his forehead off before it reconstituted back. “Glad that’s over with.”

“Not exactly,” Purple Heart grunted, heaving himself to his hooves. “I’m still not amused.”

Wits leaned over and tagged Purple Heart. “You’re up, buddy.”

“Um, we all may be mad at Discord right now,” Twilight piped up, “and it’s obvious he deserves it. But don’t you think we have other things to worry about?”

“Yeah,” Applejack agreed. “We’re just addin’ insult ta injury.”

“LOOK AT ME!” Purple Heart snapped, pointing a hoof at his bandaged chest. “Notice anything interesting?”

The mares looked at the injury for a second. Bandages and duct tape were wrapped tightly around the purple earth pony’s chest, protecting the fresh skin from further infection.

“What about it?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“It’s not healed yet,” Purple Heart growled. “Right now, I’m not angry at Discord for bringing us to this carpforsaken land. Heck, it was even fun in the beginning, meeting you all and having an adventure! It was awesome! But now? This has become real. It’s no longer a game. The rules have changed.”

“Awwe, you’re joking,” Pinkie chided, bouncing over and striking Purple Heart directly on his bandages. When the Purple Barbarian dropped like a stone, gasping for breath and moaning in pain, the Mane Six stared in shock.

“You blathering pink dumpkoff!” Purple Heart screamed. “What did I just say?! The rules have changed! We get hurt now! Seriously hurt! If Lady Sunbuns had punched me now, I’d be dead! Wake up! Actions have consequences! So you better be darn sure you don’t get hit by anything lethal!”

Light Patch walked over and used some of his healing magic on Purple Heart to take the edge off his pain. “Calm down dude. I understand you’re angry, we all are...and scared. But, she didn’t know about how they’ve changed the damage rules. If we fracture the party now, we’re all doomed.”

“It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” Rainbow Dash sneered with a roll of her eyes. “You three are from another world. You’ve been travelling with us for weeks and not once did any of you even mention that fact.”

“We couldn’t,” Purple Heart said, his tone more calm as he breathing slowed. “Discord put a speech spell on us to keep us from using our own terms for things or something similar. For instance, you say ‘somepony’, ‘anypony’, and ‘on the other hoof’. Us humans say ‘someone’, ‘anybody’, and ‘on the other hand’. Ever noticed how we’d paused when we said somepony or something similar? We were trying to speak normally, but we couldn’t.”

“Didn’t stop you from lying to us when we asked where you three were from,” Rainbow shot back. “And did any of you actually try to say anything about where you were from? All the answers I remember were in vague, non-specific terms, like you were actively avoiding talking about it.” She leaned in, pawing at the ground like a bull. “So as weird as it is to say this, maybe you shouldn’t be so fast to blame Discord for all of this.”

“Ah don’t wanna get too dramatical,” Applejack chimed in, “but Dash’s got a point. Even if ya’ll couldn’t say where ya’ll were from, ya could’ve said ya weren’t ponies. It’s one’ve them…” She glanced at Twilight. “Reductive reasoning things?” The farmpony frowned as she watched the alicorn. “Twi?”

Twilight was staring down at her hooves. “Discord?” she said quietly, almost too quiet to be heard. “Can you take us home?”

The draconequus coughed into his claw hand. “Ehm...next question?” he asked. Seeing the mares’ unamused faces, he sighed. “I can’t. I literally have next to no power. I could probably give your Princess Cadence a run for her money, but barely.”

Twilight gaped. “She has more experience than I do as well as marginally more magic!”

“Like I said, next to no power,” Discord sighed. “I spent any excess I had by healing Purple Heart and bringing us here. Teleportation isn’t cheap, you know. It costs a great deal of magic.”

“So we’re stuck here with Moriarty, Doflamingo, and Handsome Jack,” Purple Heart groaned. “Wonderful. How’d you even lose all your magic in the first place?”

“They pulled a pseudo Promised Day on me,” Discord admitted. The three colts blinked.

“Did you just make a culture reference? Did he make a culture reference to us?” Light Patch asked. “I am very proud and confused as I don’t know what you're referencing.”

“I think he did make a reference,” Purple Heart hummed. “Guess digging around in our brains acquainted him with our culture. Seems like someone will get our jokes now.”

“Um, excuse me,” Fluttershy interjected timidly. “But what does he mean by ‘Promised Day’?”

“Nothing good,” Wits End said. “It means our villain friends pulled Discord down from high atop the thing and ate his powers.” He frowned, rubbing his chin with his hoof. “Which explains why they were so powerful. Well, why Bael and Patchy’s lover were so powerful. Holdfast seems to have some sort of Number 66 slash Number 48 deal for friends.” He grumbled. “So, we can’t Alt-F4, it’s Discord’s House of Villains all up in here, and the party dynamic is fracturing. Is this where we end on a cliffhanger for six months?”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 77: Six months later…

“Next time on ‘Those Three Morons and the Women Who Constantly Pull Their Butts Outta the Fire...” Light Patch paused in thought for a few moments before turning to face Wits End. “Nah, there is too much stuff going on to properly sum up in a to-be-continued 'ender'.”

He turned to face the mares next. “Seriously though, I can’t speak for my friends, but yeah, I didn’t really try too hard to exactly spill the beans. I didn’t wanna try getting too specific because I was afraid you six would get suspicious if I kept coughing just as I was saying something. And I was worried that if Discord wanted our origins known, it’d happen when he wanted it to and not sooner. And I wasn’t keen on finding out what he might do to silence me…” Light looked away, embarrassment and concern mixed on his face. “I don’t wanna sleep with the fishes; just eat them,” he finished quietly before turning back to the mares. “I guess what I’m trying to lead up to saying is: I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forget and forgive this soon, but I am sorry. So...friends?”

Before the mares could respond, Purple Heart spoke up. “I’d like to think that we all know each other pretty well after the trials we’ve been through. I mean, us colts certainly know a bit about you mares thanks to you being the main characters of a popular television show and I hope you six have at least picked up some things about us. I’m a guy who can be an arse when I choose to. Light Patch is an arse when it’s funny. Wits is an arse all the time, mostly because it’s funny. But we aren’t trying to be bad people. We don’t go out of our way to be immoral. Twilight, you remember that little spat we had back in Gallopilli?” Twilight nodded, eyes narrowing. “Well, we think differently. In your world, there’s sunshine and daisies, everyone is happy and bad things only happen when plot demands it. In our world, there’s a great deal of grey. Not everything is certain, not everything is happy, and there definitely isn’t sunshine everywhere. We’re Grim Dark compared to Equestria, and that makes us think differently.

“We aren’t trying to be mean. We aren’t even trying to make things difficult. We just want to go home. And eat sushi. Home is good, but sushi is great. So yeah...we good?”

The mares turned to Wits End; the natural next subject to speak. He looked up from the small tower of flat stones he had been stacking. “What? I already did my reveal of a big secret this arc.”
“You need to add your own brand of sappiness,” Purple Heart muttered, pushing the pinto forward. “Light and I bared our souls, it’s your turn. Get to it.”

Wits grumbled. “I’m not drunk enough to be sappy… Fine.” He sighed and shook his head. “I mean, I don’t know what there is to say that you guys didn’t get to first. This was an opportunity for us to be adventurer hero persons instead of boring ordinary persons. I’m not gonna try to convince you all to forgive us…” He went silent. “Yeah. That’s it.” The colt turned to Discord. “Seriously, though. You’ve been watching. I feel like aside from Patchy’s drama llama moment back there, I’ve done the lion’s share of emotional soul-baring in this adventure.”

The mares quietly looked at each other before they all drifted off into their own thoughts, occasionally glancing at the stallions or each other. As the seconds turned into minutes, Light Patch sighed, missing a final look between all of the mares before Applejack nodded and stepped forward.

“Ah ain’t exactly happy with all of th’ secrets, an’ partial an’ half lies an’ everythin, but Ah can’t say Ah don’t entirely blame y’all for the way ya’ll acted. If Ah’d been in similar circumstances Ah’m not sure Ah’d have acted so differently. And Ah can tell that y’all three’re serious in being sorry, so Ah guess Ah can still work with y’all three, but a little more honesty would be nice.”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and chuffed. “I guess they aren’t all bad. But I still don’t trust them after that.”

“They were protecting themselves, so I guess it was alright,” Fluttershy allowed. “But more honesty would be nice, please. I forgive you.”

“I’m not willing to forgive yet,” Rarity sniffed. “We all grew to trust you and you abused that trust multiple times. We shan’t allow that to happen again. I need time to think about this.”

“I forgive you!” Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, moving to slap Purple Heart on the back with a hoof. She paused upon seeing him jerk away from her and she settled for a simple pat on the shoulder.

The group turned to look at Twilight. “I- I don’t know,” she said quietly to the three stallions. “If you’ve kept this covered up, how much can we really trust everything you’ve been saying?” She looked at her friends, noting the varied looks. “This is another thing piled on everything else that's been happening that I haven’t even had a chance to think about!” she shouted, “I’m sorry, I just- I need more time to sort this all out. To figure out if I can trust you again.”

Light Patch sighed and looked at Twilight, “That's better than I feared. I can understand, though”

“Not to interrupt this new and improved drama llama session,” Wits cut in, “but trust issues should probably go on the back burner for now.”

“Really?” Rarity shot a glare at the mint-colored stallion. “What could be more important than the ability to trust the other members of our little party?”

“Gee, I dunno.” Wits End made a great show of looking up at the sky. “Maybe the fact that Ganondorf has taken over Hyrule and decided to bring Bowser and King Dedede with him. We didn’t even get a fancy sword or skip puberty for our trouble.”

“...What?”

“EVERYTHING IS BAD AND WE’RE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN MAKE IT UNBAD.”

Purple Heart nodded in agreement. “Like the midget said, we’re stuck here until we deal with the three villains. We don’t really have time for all of us to in-fight right now.”

“So what should we be doing then?” Rainbow Dash asked coldly.

“Making the power base the villains have built look like an advanced game of Jenga?” Light Patch guessed.

“He’s got a point,” Applejack said with a nod. “Without a good homestead, we’ll be halfway up a creek without hide or hair of a paddle.” The farmpony frowned. “Not ta mention, we ain’t exactly set up ta handle whatever powers those three’ve got now.” She shot a glare at Discord. “Thanks kindly fer that, by the way.”

Discord rolled his eyes with an exaggerated sigh. “Yeesh, you ruin a game world by creating three supervillains one time... How many times do I have to apologize?”

Purple Heart gave the draconequus a glare. “Once would be good,” he growled.

“Fiiiiine…” Discord looked around. “So, how about I get this little burg up to snuff while you lot go out and do some fetch quests?”

“Fetch que- That’s your idea of an apology?” Wits End made an annoyed horse noise. “What kind of fetch quests are you on about, anyway? Collect seven rhesus monkey bottoms?”

“Not quite. You see, I had created a quest line for… about halfway through the adventure? You were supposed to go assault someplace called Logtown, rescue some pirate king or something like that. Anyway, there’s some places you might be able to get some help for, say, taking down a group of super powered, incredibly dangerous villains?” Discord grinned, revealing a set of mismatched teeth. Purple Heart stared at the draconequus for several seconds before his brain finally caught up.

“Ugh,” the Purple Barbarian groaned. “Where’s Garp when you need him?”

“What is there?” Twilight asked, ignoring the purple earth pony’s plight.

“Well, there is a relatively new kingdom that I’m sure has little interest in falling back to the darkness from which it was born.” Discord said with a smile. “It’s time for Light Patch to face his fans and admirers once again.” The grey pegasus’s eyes popped open in surprise before he sighed.

“The Arachcolsid.” He said contemplatively, “The queen is smart. She’d know they couldn’t avoid spill over from what's happening up top. Would they be able to spare a chance to help though? I mean there isn’t any telling what’s woken up in the deep caverns because of the power shift.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure if it was you asking, the queen would be more than willing to send support. Whether or not the they could spare it.” Discord grinned like a snake.

“Shut up,” Light Patch grumbled, trying to ignore the small blush and the group’s chuckles.

“Next up,” Discord said, patting the blushing stallion on the head, “we’ve got our friends in the capital. Since you’ve managed to keep it out of the hooves of Boomer, Bastion, and Holdfast… well for now, you lot should probably go secure Princess Amber’s safety.”

Purple Heart’s eyes narrowed for a moment. “What’s going to happen to her?”

Discord shrugged. “How should I know? I’m not in charge of this anymore. However, there’s at least one of the three villains has a want for the throne, so…”

The purple barbarian frowned. “Great…”

“I’m talking,” the draconequus chided, poking Purple Heart. “You, being the Primarch that you are, could go chat with that Emerald Legion of yours. Requisition their help and all that. Or you could get help from the Hare Clans you helped back in Mistakwe. Your choice.”

“Perfect,” Purple Heart grumbled. “I have to make a decision. Thanks.”

“And finally,” Discord said, stifling a false yawn as he ignored the purple earth pony’s irritation, “there’s the matter of alicorns.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Say what now?”

“Not you.” Discord waved a dismissive claw. “Like your friend Sol Eater.”

Wits End raised an eyebrow. “Say what now?”

“I thought Sol Eater was the only alicorn still in this world,” Rainbow Dash said. “Besides Twilight, of course. Where are they?”

“How should I know?” Discord shrugged. “I set it up so that their location was randomized.”

“Thaaaaanks.”

“But!” Discord interrupted. “You can find it in a certain library.”

Wits End’s other eyebrow raised to join the first one. “The alicorn library? Why would there be-” He paused and pursed his lips. “Shut up. I didn’t actually say it.”

“So there you have it.” Discord smiled nervously. “All you gotta do is work together and make your way through those four quests, and then you’ll be ready to take on the villains! I recommend you start with Amber, but this is technically one of those branching path moments.”

“Let’s just split up,” Light Patch said.

Discord froze. After several tense seconds passed, he turned, very slowly, to face the grey pegasus. “What? I literally just said to ‘work together’. Like, ‘go together’. As a group. One group. The opposite of splitting up.”

“Think about it though: if we move as one big group, we’re more noticeable. Plus, any battles we get into will be big and noticeable to the villains. Eventually they’ll notice what we’re up to or see a pattern and move to force us into a fight we’re not ready for yet,” Light Patch replied. “But by splitting up, our movement is more stealthy and all of our objectives would be completed, ideally, at the same time, lessening the chance of the villains catching on. And if they do move to stop us-”

“Then they’d have to either focus one down, or split their power and forces to try and stop us all.” Twilight continued. “It’s not a bad plan, but what if they do decide to focus on stopping just one of the group?”

“Run like your mane was on fire and your tail was catchin’?” the grey pegasus offered sheepishly. “Or hope they want us alive.”

“He’s got a point,” Wits End mused. “If the villains do go after only one of us in full force, the group targeted can switch over to flying interference, figuratively or literally. Besides, we need to finish this up as fast as we can. The longer we wait, the more territory the villains can take over.”

“He’s got a point that he’s got a point,” Pinkie Pie added. “But then again, the points don’t matter.”

Discord made a noise somewhere between an annoyed growl and a sputtering car engine. “Oh, come on! Literally the one time I set things up for you all to go together, and you wanna split up? Don’t you get it? Now if you get beat up in the game, you get beat up for real!”

“And that’s why we need to do this quickly,” Purple Heart grumbled. “After the beating I got in the coliseum at the hooves of a minion, I’ve got no intention to go through that now.”

Another failing-engine noise from Discord. “Fine. Fine! Whatever. Who’s going where then?”

“It’s kind of obvious I should head to the caverns to see about support from the Arachcolsid,” Light Patch said. “The queen knows me the best and would accept my help the quickest if they need any.”

Wits End smirked. “Gotta get that eight-legged waifu, right? Right? Anyone? Okay.” He coughed. “Anyway, since I was part of the party that went to the library, I should go after the alicorns. Plus, uh… I’ve already had one alicorn that thought I was cute, so maybe I’m their thing? Twilight? Do you wanna-”

“No.” Twilight shook her head. “I’m taking time away from you three. I’ll go help Amber Glitter.”

“Then I guess that makes me the group leader for going to the Emerald Legion base or the Hare Clans. Where are the rest of you going?” Purple Heart asked, looking at the rest of the group.

“Um, I think, if the rest of you don’t mind that is, that I should go with Purple Heart to make sure he continues to heal well.” Fluttershy said softly.

Applejack thought for a moment. “Ah should probably go with Light Patch. Not that Ah don’t think he can handle the.. Spider waifu? But somepony oughta keep him in line.”

“I’ll go with Wits End!” Pinkie cheered. “We haven’t been teamed up since we’ve started this whole thing so it’s my turn again. Hey Dashie, why don’t you join us?”

“Thanks, but no thanks. I’m going with Twilight, I need some space to clear the air.” Rainbow replied hastily shooting a glare at the colts.

“I agree,” Rarity said in a huff. “I’ve had quite enough of intrigue and lies for some time. I shall be going with Twilight as well.”

“Great,” Discord grumbled. “Super terrific. And I’ll be here playing house, ‘cause that’s all I’m good for now that I’m depowered, apparently.”

Fluttershy shuffled closer. “Would you like me to stay here with you?”

“No no, don’t worry yourself on my account.” Discord slid away dramatically. “I angst alone.”

With a roll of his eyes, Purple Heart turned and, after a quick wave to his comrades and the five mares, departed into the brush with Fluttershy following quietly behind. Pinkie Pie gave a much more enthusiastic wave before grabbing Wits End and running away.

“Pinkie,” the stallion shouted, “The library is the other way!”

“Oh right,” The pink mare executed a power slide to turn around and zoomed off in the correct direction.

Light Patch laughed at the expression of horror on his friend's face as he trotted towards the caverns with Applejack alongside.

And finally Discord watched Twilight and her group depart towards the capital. “Be careful,” he quietly said to all of them after he’d watched the last pony disappear into the forest, concern etched into his face. After a few more seconds of silently watching where he’d last spotted one of his friends, he sighed. “Welp, it’s gonna take a lot of work to get Roads Crossed ready. I’d best get started.” With that, the Draconequus turned and made his way towards the town.

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Wits End, Purple Heart

Chapter 78: Valley of the Night

Pinkie Pie bounded ahead, singing at the top of her lungs. “We’re off on a hero’s journey! Out where adventure lies! On a quest the poets will sing about!”

“You have an infinite amount of energy and optimism, don’t you?” Wits End asked, trailing behind the pronking pink pony.

“Of course!” Pinkie turned around, bounding backwards through the forest. “It’s not like our mission’s changed at all! We still gotta beat the the bad guys and save the good guys, right?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“And you three are still gonna help, right?”

Wits snorted. “Duh. Inkie, Blinkie, and Clyde are technically our fault. I’m not about to let them get away with… whatever it is they’re trying to get away with.”

Pinkie Pie wrapped a foreleg around Wits’ neck, pulling him close as she gestured broadly. “Then everything is aye-oh-dokie-kay! Now, let’s blow this cupcake stand!”

“You’re very forgiving, huh?”

The pink party pony fell silent. She pushed her face closer to the mint-colored stallion, grip tightening around him. “I’m here to watch you at all times.”

Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line. “Okie dokie lokie.”

Silence fell over the ponies again. In the midst of this silence, a paper scroll fell from the sky, landing across the pair of ponies’ heads. “We should probably read that,” Wits said flatly.

Pinkie continued staring silently at the minty horse.

Wits coughed. “Okay, I’ll read it then.”

“At aaaaaaall times…”

Another cough. Wits End pulled the scroll off of their heads and unrolled it. “Oh hey, it’s from Discord! It say- Okay, I need some personal space, please.” The pink pony remained unmoved. “Pinkie, pls.” He wriggled out from under the mare’s grip. “Anyway, Discord says…”

To the delightfully energetic Pinkie Pie and bad influence that’s way too interested in Fluttersh Wits End,

Guess what! It just so happens that I had just enough power left to boost everypony up two levels, so you won’t be so squishy and puncturable. Now, I know not everypony has time to do that thing where you actually think about the decisions that will influence whether you continue to exist in any meaningful way or if you shuffle off this mortal coil, so I’d like to give you the option to give that power of choice over to me. Whaddaya say?

A pair of clouds appeared over the scroll: one labeled ‘custom’, the other ‘auto’.

“Nope.” Wits punched a hoof through the ‘custom’ cloud; Pinkie’s hoof joining it soon after. “Okay, I know I chose ‘custom’ because I don’t trust Discord not to give me a +5 to kissing villains. Why did you choose it?”

Pinkie’s expression was still serious. “Because nothing good happens when you let somepony else choose the ingredients for the cake.” She shuddered. “We make sure Applejack has had enough sleep whenever she tries to help with baking now.”

“...The baked bads?”

“Shhhh!” Pinkie clamped the minty stallion’s lips shut with both her forehooves. “Don’t say their name! We do not speak its name!”

“Right. Sorry.”

The scroll rustled in something like the parchment version of a cough. “Oh, right!” Pinkie said, her energy returning. “The leveling!” The two ponies focused for a moment and more text appeared on the scroll shortly thereafter.

Nice to know you two hold my judgement in such high regard…

Pinkie, you chose Cupcake Toss and Use Magical Object. Cupcake Toss is a ranged healing ability, but be careful! It only works if your target isn’t incapacitated. Use Magical Object is pretty basic. You can activate magical stuff as if you were its creator. Have fun setting off magic wands or something like that.

Wits, you went with Hunter’s Step, which combines a dodge roll with a short-range teleport. Have fun flash-stepping around the battlefield. You’ve also chosen Wear the Mask. That one lets you take on certain aspects of the creatures you’ve used Learning on. Be careful with that one. It’s got a few… bugs.

...And that’s all I’ve got! Time to get back to making this place halfway live-in-able. Pinkie, Wits...try not to get beaten up too badly. Remember that neither of you are supposed to be frontline troops. See ya!

With that, the scroll turned into an origami swan and flew away. “Well,” Wits said, watching the former letter flap its way to freedom. “It might not look like it, but that that paper bird is a symbol of our coming freedom and victory.”

Pinkie turned to look at Wits End. “Really?”

Before Wits could respond, a shriek resounded from above them. In a flash of fury and feathers, an eagle swooped in a caught the paper swan, carrying it away in its talons. One torn folded wing fluttered to the ground in front of the two ponies, another shriek heralding the retreat of the eagle.

Wits cleared his throat. “Let’s just get to the library.”

“Okie dokie lokie! We’re off on a hero’s journey! We’re champions through and through!”

“More or less,” Wits joined in on the song, “doing what other heroes do.”

The pair of ponies arrived at the crumbling library without too much delay. “Now,” Wits said, pushing open the old wooden doors, “I have the sneaking suspicion that this will take a while to do. We should be prepared to settle in for the long haul and look through all of these bo-”

“Found it!”

Wits blinked. “Wha-” The pink pony had vanished from his side, and appeared peeking out from behind one of the shelving units on the topfloor. “How did you- Never mind. I should know better than to ask that.”

Several minutes later, Wits was laid out on the ground next to Pinkie, panting heavily. “What took you so long?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“I am… not built… for stairs…” Wits rolled over onto his back. “If I die here, remember me fondly.”

“Why didn’t you just transform into Dashie and fly up?”

The panting stopped. “You know, someday I’ll actually be smart enough to remember I can do that.” Wits picked himself up and looked at the book next to the pink party pony. “A Brief, Abridged History of Everything, Volume II. Clever. Very clever. So, what’s in the book, Miss Pie?”

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Dunno. I didn’t open it.”

“Well, what’re we waiting for?” Wits clapped his forehooves together. “Let’s consume some knowledge with our optical organs!”

“What?”

“...Let’s read this thing.”

“Right!” Pinkie threw the book open to the middle. “Hey! These pages just have a big circle with weird scribbles all over it!” She poked at the pages, and the circle began glowing. “Ooh, shiny!”

Wits End’s eyebrows knitted together. “That looks like a transmutation circle. Or maybe a summoning circle? But what could it do? And why did it start glowing when you touch-” His eyes went wide. “Oh, darn you, irony.”

A flash of light drowned out any further comment. When the light had faded, the book dropped to the ground and flipped closed, the sound of its fall echoing in the now empty library.

* * *

Wits End groaned, forcing his eyes open. Then he tried to open them again. “OH SWEET CELESTIA’S HEAVENLY HINDQUARTERS!” he screamed, waving his forehooves wildly in front of his face to no avail. “I’VE GONE BLIND. BLIIIIIIIIND!”

“It’s night time, silly!” Pinkie’s face appeared next to a newly lit torch.

“...Oh. Yeah, that thing.” Wits took the torch with his magic as Pinkie produced another lit brand from her mane-floof. “Wait, it was midday when we got to the library. How can it be night time already?”

“Oh, that’s easy!” Pinkie hopped around as Wits stood up. “We’re in a different hemisphere of the world! You can tell because the stars are different. See? The Kelpie constellation is over there, instead of over there!”

Wits peered at the group of stars Pinkie was pointing at. “You know astronomy?”

“I know everything. And that moon is amazing! It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“...Do you know where to go?”

Pinkie thought for a moment. “How about over there, where that friendly-looking city is?”

Wits brought his gaze down, looking at the lights on the horizon. “Yeah, that’s probably a good place to start. Onwards, Pinkamena!”

The two horses with names walked through the desert, toward the mysterious city in the distance. “So!” Pinkie chirped, breaking the silence of the sun-baked sandy wastes around them. “You guys don’t have Cutie Marks because you’re human? Or because you were blank flanks in your world too?”

“I mean, probably?” Wits shrugged. “Humans don’t get their talents dictated by a picture on their butt. We gotta figure it out on our own with good old trial and error. I personally like working with computers, so I guess that might be my ‘special talent’? But then I also really like writing stories, and doing art, and playing guitar with my hands. I miss hands. Like, I really miss hands. Don’t get me wrong, horns are great, but a good pair of hands? Man, I could go for some hands.”

“Uh, Minty?”

“Hmm? Oh, sorry. I was rambling. What’s up, Pink-” Wits followed Pinkie’s upward. “Oh. Um, those are kinda low for stars. And fast. And… what?”

Overhead, lights of different colors and sizes moved across the sky. Some trundled slowly far above, almost imperceptibly from the ground. Others zipped by almost directly over their heads, making no noise and casting almost no light on them.

Pinkie hopped up, trying to catch one of the low-flying lights. “What are these things? I want one! Minty, help me catch- Minty?”

Wits End was barely holding in his laughter. “Oh man. Discord, you’ve outdone yourself with this one.”

“What?”

Wits pointed at the city, now close enough to make out buildings. “A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to-”

“You there!”

Wits End froze. “Whuh oh. Sheriff’s secret police or vague yet menacing government agents?”

Pinkie whirled around to face the source of the voice. Her eyes widened in excitement, confusion, a small amount of fear, and a healthy helping of hyperactive wonder. “It’s a Man-Princess!”

“A what now?” Wits turned about. “Hey, a Man-Princess!”

The stallion in question frowned, the dark-blue fur around his eyes wrinkling. The steel armor he wore clanked as he shifted into a fighting stance. His horn glowed as he unsheathed his twin blades, each one pointed at a separate pony. “How did you get here,” he growled, wings flaring, “interlopers?”

Wits End bowed. “Forgive us, your highness. We are but poor, lost circus preform-”

“Save the flattery,” the alicorn guard spat. “How did you find our secret hidden town in the desert?”

Pinkie Pie raised an eyebrow. “This place is a secret?”

The guard paused. Wits End took the time to clear his throat. “You wanna try that one again?” he asked.

The guard nodded. “How’d you get here?”

“We hopped on the magic schoolbook,” Wits replied. “We’re looking for secret hidden alicorn village in the leaves. Is… this the place?”

“No.” The guard’s answer was immediate.”Well, yes. Technically. But I am required by law to deny any claims interlopers might make.”

Pinkie raised her other eyebrow above the previously raised brow. “So, is this not the alicorn town?”

“No. I mean yes. I mean…” The guard sighed, his blades lowering slightly.

“Are you new at this job?” Wits asked.

“Yes.”

“How long have you been doing this?”

“All my life.”

Wits End pursed his lips. “Anyway, who can we talk to around here about raising an army?”

“An army?” The guard frowned. “What do you need an army for?”

Pinkie’s expression brightened. “We need to take down a trio of minor villains that this guy,” she jerked her head at Wits End, her mane wrapping around his face, “and his friends unleashed on the world who will eventually conquer the world if we don’t stop them!” She smiled widely.

The alicorn guard’s eyes widened as he turned to Wits End. “Is this true?”

“I meaaaan…” Wits rolled his eyes. “If you wanna put it thaaaaat waaaaaay…”

“Are you the pony known as Wits End?”

“Um… Who wants to know?”

The guard’s blade moved closer to the mint-colored colt’s face. “Answer the question, interloper.”

Wits’ eyes crossed slightly as he tried to focus on the knife tip in front of him. “How could I possibly refuse a simple request like that? I am he, and he is me, and she’s Pinkie, and we are all together.”

“Goo goo g’joob,” Pinkie Pie added in.

“Really?” Wits asked. “I always heard it as ‘koo koo k’choo’.”

The guard grumbled. “Are you or are you not-”

“No appreciation for classical music,” Wits End muttered. “Yes. I’m Wits End. I gave you my name, horse master. Now give me yours.”

With a grunt, the guard sheathed his daggers. As his cloak fluttered, Wits noticed a second pair of blades strapped to the alicorn’s back. “I am Flash Dancer, of the Last Alicorn Bastion of the Night.”

“Flash Sentry?” Pinkie asked.

“Flash Dancer,” Flash corrected. He turned away, looking over his shoulder at the adventurers. “Come with me. Princess Penumbra has put out a request for your presence.”

Wits’ ears perked up. “There’s presents?”

Flash stared blankly at the stallion. “Maybe.”

“Sweet. Lead the way.”

* * *

“Princess Luna, what’re you doing here? Princess Luna? What’re you doing here?”

Pinkie Pie looked at Wits End. “What’re you doing?”

“I’m practicing for when we meet the princess,” Wits replied. “We’ve already met the Celestia-alike, so I figure there’s only one other option.”

“Maybe it’s somepony else?” Pinkie offered.

“This is Discord we’re talking about.”

“Good point.” Pinkie Pie coughed. “Princess Luna?! What’re you doing here?”

“Ooh, that was a good one.”

“If you do not mind,” Flash Dancer grumbled, “we’re here.” He motioned toward the massive oak doors before them. “Go through there, and you shall meet the Princess.”

Wits grinned at Pinkie. “Show time. Thanks, Flash.” With a deep breath, he pushed the doors open and stepped through. “Princess Luna, what’re you- Who’re you?”

At the end of a long throne room sat a massive throne. On the throne sat an alicorn mare, clad in flowing silk and fine jewelry. On the mare’s head sat a tiara carved from a single sapphire. On the mare’s face sat an extremely bored expression.

“We knowest not who this ‘Luna’ is,” the princess drawled, her expression remaining motionless, “but We assure thee, We art the Princess Penumbra, not she.” The princess’ coat was a deep obsidian with a close cropped mane and braided tail of shimmering pale blues and cyans, much like the atmosphere of a distant planet.

Wits learned over to Pinkie Pie. “Is she speaking whatever common language ponies are supposed to be speaking? Equestrian?”

“Probably?” Pinkie replied. “Do you know what she just said?”

“I think it was ‘new phone, who dis’?”

Penumbra’s dull expression hardened barely. “Approach our throne, he of the pale green coat, and partake in our presence and speech.”

Wits End looked around before turning back, pointing at his chest in confusion.

The Princess sighed, leaning forward and leaning on the elbow of one foreleg. “Get your cute rear end over here, Wits End.”

Pinkie leaned in to Wits End. “I think she means you,” she hissed.

“I think you’re right.”

“She also seems to think you’re cute.”

“I wasn’t kidding when I said I might be their thing.” Wits trotted forward until the Princess raised a hoof; about halfway down the room. “So, wassup, Penny Umbra?”

The corner of Penumbra’s mouth turned upward for a split second as she sat up again, before taking on its original dull expression. “We have heard much of thee, pale green one. Thou hast defeated our traitorous sibling in single combat, without raising a blade to her. We congratulate thee.”

“Oh, uh, thanks.” Wits rubbed the back of his head, a light blush crossing his face. “I mean, I didn’t do it on my own. I had help, like Pinkie over there.”

“Yes, so we have been told. We art most impressed that thou wouldst risk thy life for friends, even ones who thou hast betrayed for their own safety.”

Wits End frowned. “How… did you know about that?”

Penumbra stared blankly at the stallion for a moment. “Weren’t you listening to what I just said?” she asked, leaning forward again. “I said ‘our traitorous sibling’. I wasn’t being overly dramatic with that.”

“Sol Eater was your sister?” Pinkie asked from back by the door, shouting through a makeshift megaphone made out of paper mache and a bottle cap.

“Verily.” Princess Penumbra sat back.

“But I sent Sol Eater back to the cavern she came out of,” Wits said. “She should be in the center of the earth. How could you hear from her?”

Penumbra smiled a wistful smile. “Thou commanded our sibling to return from whence she came. That place art here, the Last Alicorn Bastion of the Night.”

“Wait.” Wits stared at a point past the princess. “Wait. So does that mean…”

“Verily.” The Princess leaned backwards, a smile creeping over her face. “Our sister art here, under our very hooves.”

Wits End looked down at the carpeted floor. “Well, this day keeps getting more and more interesting.”

Pinkie Pie coughed loudly from her place at the door. “Minty! The thing!”

“Oh, right! The thing!” Wits looked back up to the princess. “Princess Penumbra, we have travelled… well, probably a long way, but it’s tough to tell since we got here in almost no time at all. We’ve come here to ask for your help. A trio of villains have-”

“We know of these villains,” Penumbra interrupted. “They came to our attention several days hence. The daemon, the paladin, and the chancellor.” She waved a dismissive hoof. “They art the concern of the world beyond our city. We concern ourselves not with-”

“I’m gonna stop you there,” Wits End cut in, taking a seat on the carpet. “You’re gonna say that it’s not your problem. I’m gonna say that it’ll concern you when Team Rocket finishes with the rest of the world and shows up on your doorstep. You’re gonna say that your people can handle them. Then Pinkie will say something that convinces you to help us. Can we skip to the end?”

The princess sat in silence for several seconds. Finally, she smiled. “I can see why my sister thinks you’re cute. You have quite the mouth on you.” Her eyes flicked downward for a second. “Not exactly hard on the eyes either.”

Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line, a blush forming on his cheeks. “Thank you? So, does that mean you’ll help?”

“Perhaps…” Penumbra shifted her gaze to Pinkie Pie. “What of you, pink one? What saith thou?”

Pinkie Pie perked up from her game of solitaire. “I think it’d be too easy if you just help us right away,” she said.

“Pinkie!” Wits hissed. “Ixnay on the asyeay! Elphay is estbay!”

“It’s what she’s thinking!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Have we ever had a quest end easily in this campaign? I mean, seriously?”

“The pink one is correct,” Penumbra said, leaning back on her throne. “We cannot simply assist thee with naught in return. Thou must assist us in return.”

Wits End sighed. “Fiiiiine. What do you want? Water your plants? Make dinner? A nice back massage? I’ve been told I have magic hooves.”

“Tempting, but nay,” the princess said, ignoring the chuckle from Wits End at the choice of negative. “We would make a wager with thee. Succeed, and our assistance shall be with thee.”

“I’m scared,” Wits muttered.

Princess Penumbra frowned. “Truly, we miss the days of our sister’s company. However, we cannot allow her freedom when she cannot be trusted for a single day. We would have thee redeem her.”

“Uhhhhhhhh…” Wits End’s eyebrows knitted. “How’re we supposed to do that?”

Penumbra leaned forward again. “Keep her out of trouble for a full day. If you can do that, we have a deal.”

“Great!” Pinkie bounced to her feet. “We can leave her in the dungeon! See ya tomorrow!”

“Not quite.” Penumbra tapped her hoof on the throne. A deep rumbling sound filled the room as the center of the room shifted away, revealing a hidden cell. The Lady of Sunlight stepped out of the pit, a smile on her face that did not quite reach her eyes. “Do not allow her to leave our borders. Do not allow her to harm our citizens.”

Wits End made a series of not-quite-words, eventually devolving to a sigh of resignation. “Fine. Great. Cool. Any advice?”

Penumbra grinned. The sound of many armored hooffalls echoed from the door behind Pinkie Pie. “One thing,” the Princess said, the corners of her eyes crinkling in amusement as realization fell on the ponies. “If thou fail, thou shalt join our sister below our throne room.” She tapped the throne again as she leaned in, a secret passage opening in the wall behind her. “You should probably move your cute rear end.”

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 79: Why Light Patch is No Longer Allowed to use Flammable Objects

“Alright ah’ll bite. Just what are you looking at?” Applejack asked as she followed the pegasus’s gaze to the top of the cavern.

“With all of the time I’m spending in these caverns, combined with the normal weather of where I grew up, I think I’m forgetting what the sun looks like,” Light Patch replied, squinting through his glasses. Applejack chuckled, prompting the stallion to look at her. “You know, I’m kind of surprised you were so quick to forgive my friends and me for the whole secrecy thing. Considering that you’re the Element of Honesty.”

“Oh, make no mistake. Ah’m still a little angry at ya’ll. But us mares never really did exactly ask just where you stallions were from, so it’s not like you were prompted to say it.” She fixed the pegasus stallion with a hard look. “It was still a lie of omission, but I feel you three have proven yourselves trustworthy enough to keep working with.”

“Well, thanks for being honest. Why me though? Why’d you decide to go with me rather than Wits End or Purple Heart?” Light Patch inquired to keep the silence from returning.

“Ah thought somepony should keep you in line,” she replied, smirking at the glare he gave her. “Mostly though, ah kind of wanted to get ta know ya a bit better. Other than way back at the start of this whole mess, we haven’t really had a chance to just talk to each other.”

“Yeah I guess that’s tru-” The rest of Light Patch’s reply was cut off as an unrolled scroll slapped into his face. At the same time, both of the ponies felt the familiar feeling of leveling up and then immediately felt it again. The two glanced at each other in confusion before standing next to each other to unroll the scroll and read it. As the scroll unrolled, two clouds collected beneath it and formed two words; ‘auto’ and ‘manual’.

To the honest and trustworthy Applejack, and the mostly harmless Light Patch.

I’d had a brilliant idea while working on the town: I’ve still got enough power and control over the system to grant everyone two level ups. If you’re busy or in the middle of a fight, I can pick your new skills. If you’ve already got your own plan, you can pick on your own.

Light Patch frowned at the mostly harmless part. “I feel both slightly insulted and slightly praised. In any case, I’ve already got two things I was thinking of picking myself,” Light Patch said, looking at the two clouds. He reached out and poked the ‘manual’ cloud as Applejack put a hoof through the ‘auto’ cloud.

“I haven’t got a clue what I’ll pick, so I think I’ll let Discord decide,” the orange earth pony explained, seeing Light Patch’s curious look. The clouds disappeared in puffs of magic and a new scroll fell into the still outstretched hoof of Applejack she quickly unrolled it and the two read it while the other scroll disintegrated, forgotten.

For Applejack, I chose for you the Indomitable skill which will allow you to stay standing after any hit that should have reduced your hp to zero or below. I also picked the Improved Rope Combat skill which basically does what it says on the tin and allows you greater use of your rope in combat and all rope related skills are improved as well.

As for Light Patch, I noticed that you chose the Bramble Vines skill which makes the vines you revive grow into thickets and they now have sharp rending thorns on them. I also noticed you picking the Grease Garden skill. A good, if slightly worrying choice. Do take care to not slip in your own vines now.

Now, I must return to fortifying this town so that we may rest safely behind its ramparts against the sea of villainy. Toodles.

The two looked at each other as the second scroll disintegrated away, joining the first.
“Well, at least Discord is trying to help,” Light Patch said with a shrug. “It’s also nice to note that he’s still has some control.”

“Ah guess, but it woulda helped us all a lot more if’n he hadn’t even gone and wrangled us all into this thing,” Applejack replied with a snort.

“Well yeah, but then you wouldn’t have met awesome me or my awesome choice in friends,” the stallion said, leaning against the farm pony, a dopey grin on his face.

“You forgot to mention how modest you are.” She began to roll her eyes but then suddenly her ears twisted to face a direction. “Do you hear that?”

“It sounds like a fight. And I think I hear the Arachcolsid language,” Light Patch said, moving in the direction the combat was.
“Doesn’t sound like it’s going all that well,” Applejack mused as they got closer. Light Patch nodded his head in agreement and started to run towards the sounds of combat. A glow in the distance combined with the sounds of the fight increasing in volume let them know they were heading in the right direction. Eventually, they crested a hill and saw an old castle well lit by several large lanterns along its walls. Unlike the last time Light Patch had seen it, the castle showed signs of neglect and were likely caused by the pack of creatures currently trying to force their way past the defenders at the gate.

“Hunter shrooms. Kind of like mushroom versions of Timberwolves,” Light Patch decided after a few moments of studying them. “Orb pointed them out to me. Individually weak. Problem is they tend to spread through the usual mushroom methods and are a dime a dozen. So, worse in groups. Or hordes.”

“Right, sounds like we’ll wanna try to scatter them. Any insights on how?” Applejack asked, looking down from the hill they stood upon.

“They hate fire, but know how to fight it to some degree. They’d smother our torches if we tried to use them. We’d need larger source.” He looked around before wishing that the light from the castle itself wasn’t making it so hard for him to see around the rest of the cavern. Suddenly, his own thoughts came back to him and he locked on the massive lanterns, specifically the one over the gate. “You interested in putting those upgraded rope skills to work?”

“You want me to pull the lantern down?” she asked incredulously.

“At least spill some of the oil it’s burning. That should be more than enough fire to scatter them. Besides, the Aracholsid learned from the mistake the original builders made and keep all flammables away from the walls just in case.”

“I’ll see what I can do, but it’ll probably take me a couple of tries to wrangle it in the right spot to make it spill.”

“The other defenders of the gate and I will work on that. Now, let’s get going before they are overwhelmed,” Light Patch said, trotting down the hill. To Applejack’s surprise, after a few steps he burst into a charge. “Waaargh!” Even more surprising, the warcry was picked up by the castle defenders and their efforts at repelling the ‘shrooms redoubled.

The two ponies crashed into the back of the Hunter Shroom pack, scattering the first few with ease. The next few quickly jumped out of the way of the two newcomers, not ready to come to grips with them yet.
“I thought you said they were like Timberwolves!” Applejack called, looking at the ring forming around them.

“Did I forget to mention the group mind thing they’ve got?” Light Patch stole a look at the mare to see her split second glare. “Yeah, sorry. They get smarter in larger groups. It only seems to go so far though. Orb told me about this really interested thin-”

“Oi, ponies! Talk later! Split caps now!” Healing Cut shouted as he burst through the Hunter Shrooms. Without a reply, Light Patch bolted towards the hole the Hog Dok made, swinging the two parts of his broken weapon to keep it open. After a second of hesitation, Applejack moved to follow the two, using her rope and hooves to keep the Hunter Shrooms from encircling them.

They quickly fought their way through the mass of fungi to the guards holding the gate. Without a word, Applejack quickly moved up and began working on her part of the plan, leaving Light Patch to help defend against the Hunter Shrooms.

“What’s she up to?” one of the Arachcolsid shouted down, looking at the farmer pony who was attempting to lasso the lantern above the gate.

“We were thinking if we could spill the oil from that it’d chase the hunter shrooms off,” Light Patch called back, swatting away one of the creatures that was getting too bold. “Once she’s got a good hold of it, we can fall back through the gate and shake that bush again.”

“That’s not a bad plan,” the spider being replied before it turned to face the giant armored figure on the line. “Smithing Westi, go help the pony get ready to bring down the lantern.” With a nod and a final sweep of its mace, it strode back to assist Applejack.

Sensing something was up, the Hunter Shrooms redoubled their own efforts to break the defensive line. Giving up ground, the defender’s perimeter around the castle gate began to shrink step by step. The Hunter Shrooms numbers allowed them to switch out tired and wounded with fresh numbers. The defenders were lacking the same advantage and their fatigue showed in the wounds they began to take. Finally, a cry went up from the castle gate. “Ah’m ready to pull it down!”

The defenders gave one last push back to buy them the space and time they needed before falling back through the castle’s gates. Light Patch turned to follow before noticing one of the Arachcolsid fall to the ground with two hunter shrooms jaws locked onto it. Opening his wings, he swiveled around and jumped towards the downed arachnid. He crushed one of the fungi with his landing and smashed the other away with his broken hammer. Before the other Hunter Shrooms could close in and surround them, he gathered the wounded Arachcolsid on his back and raced for the gate, casting his Bramble Vine spell along the way. Vines ripped up from the ground at each of his hoof steps, spreading out and growing high enough to block Light Patch’s vision. Several of the Hunter Shrooms got entangled by the rapidly growing vines. They thrashed about, frantically clawing and biting at the thorns ripping into them. Unfortunately for the panicking fungi, their frantic actions tore open the faintly glowing orange pods scattered through the vines, spilling the slick oil contained inside.

The moment Light Patch passed through the gate, Applejack and the large armored figure yanked on the ropes and with the scream of twisting metal, the lantern fell from its mounting. Glass shattered, the sound echoing through the cavern as it smashed into the ground, flaming oil and scraps of metal and glass flying everywhere. Then, the flames found the vines and spread along them until they found one of the pods. With a sharp crack, the pod exploded, sending a chain reaction throughout the vines as the rest of the pods caught as well, along with the oil from the ruptured pods. A flash of light followed by a deep shock wave shook the fortress as a large fireball rose to the ceiling of the cavern. Everyone in the castle turned to watch in stunned amazement. Their awestruck silence was broken by a giddy laugh and they turned to look at the grey pegasus laughing in pure joy.

“Behold! I grant thee mortals the Gift and Curse of Fire!” Laugh Patch shouted at the fleeing Hunter Shrooms as he cackled madly.
“No more holding the torch for you,” Applejack muttered as she snatched away said implement. “An’ don’t even try the whole puppy dog eyes routine. Yer not cute enough for it to work after I’ve had to deal with the Cutie Mark Crusaders doing it so many times.” She ignored his pout.

“Dat,” Healing Cut wiped a tear from his eye, “was da most beutifol thing ah’ve ever seen. Don’t leave much in da way of remains to play wif doh.” He sniffed, dragging a hand across his face as he turned to Light Patch who’d quietly been singing fire songs while watching the fire through the gates. “Wot brings you back? Somefin wrong with dat ‘eart of yours? Or you just want a spare? Dats the great thing about slime hearts. I could probably squeeze two more in yah if yah needed.” Noticing that he was being spoken to, Light Patch turned and realized what had been said to him.

“I think the one is good, thanks,” Light Patch said, quickly stepping away. “Actually, I’m back because of events on the surface. We were hoping the Arachcolsid could lend some support.”

“I’m afraid that there isn’t much support to lend,” Orb said, striding up to the group. “I’m sure you’ve noticed how few of us are here. More than there would have been without your intervention though. We owe you our thanks for that.” He inclined his head in thanks to the two adventurers. Applejack hesitated for a second before she nodded back.
“What’s caused you to leave this place so under ma-” Light Patch paused, “Spide-” He looked at Smithing Westi and Healing Cut, “staffed?” he finished deadpanned.

Orb chittered in amusement a couple of times and replied. “I’ve missed your wonderful ability to trip over daisies. To answer your question however, the capital has been under siege. Something in the deep caverns has been trying to get out and the queen has been valiantly attempting to keep them bottled up. However, it’s not going so well.”

“So why are ya’ll out here rather than back at home to try to help?” Applejack asked.

“My squad and I were about to head off to investigate something that the queen though might be able to help. The rest were packing up and preparing to assist in the fight back at the capital,” Orb replied.

“Just what are you looking for?” Light Patch asked

“I can’t give away all of the queen’s secrets, even if it was to you.” Orb teased. “In all seriousness though, I’m not entirely certain myself. I just know it’s supposed to be back in the ruins we found you in. You know, it might help to have you along. You might know that place better than us.”

“I guess. That place is big enough to hide more than the one artifact Just Duty and I went in to find,” Light Patch reasoned.

“Plus, it wouldn’t be right to ask you to help us if we didn’t help you when you need it. Count me in,” Applejack added.

“Thanks, we’re gonna get going just as soon as your little fire burns itself out. Now’s the time to snatch up and supplies you may need,” Orb said, turning to prepare his forces.

“We should fill up while we have the chance,” Light Patch said. “Who knows what new brands of fun has moved in since Just Duty and I took out the big old death barnacle.” The two ponies trotted towards where several Aracholsid were gathered. Before they could get close however, the armored minotaur blocked their path. Light Patch recognized the blacksmith who had first repaired his hammer.

“How’s the hammer holding up,” she asked, pulling off her helmet.

“It’s uh, it’s been better,” Light Patch said nervously, chuckling. He reeled back when she growled at him.

“What did you do to it this time?” Westi snarled.

“The shaft got broken when it took a blow meant for me,” Light Patch said trying to hide futilely behind the head of the warhammer. “The head is still fine as far as I can tell.” Westi grunted dismissively as she grabbed the two parts of the hammer to examine them. She had also hefted the pegasus till he remembered to actually let go.

“Looks like the head is still in good shape, a bit dirty though. You haven’t been taking good of care of this,” she muttered, turning the head over in her hands.

“Things have been hectic as of late,” Light Patch replied, waving at Applejack to go see to their other supplies.

“I can imagine,” Westi muttered as she scrutinized the damage that had been done to the handle. “I can replace this, but I don’t think I’ll have the time to do much more than a simple wooden haft,”she decided, looking at the already dwindling fire through the main gates. “Considering the fights you seem to get yourself into, it wouldn’t likely last through the first few swings.”

“I’d rather wait to have it fixed right than fast,” Light Patch said.

The female minotaur rubbed her chin in thought for a few seconds. “If you’re willing to leave this with me, I can fix it up for you,” Westi declared confidently after some thought.

“And what would I use against anything that wants to turn me into a thin red paste? Harsh language and horse shoes?”

Westi pulled a sledge hammer from her box of tools and hefted it over to the pegasus. “Use that, but remember-” she leaned over so she could quietly whisper into his ear, “-my grandfather gave me that sledge hammer. Break it and I will use your bones for my next work stool, got it?” She finished the threat with a snort right into his ear.

“I am afeared,” Light Patch gulped weakly, gingerly tucking the sledge hammer away. Smithing Westi nodded and placed the broken warhammer into her box before plucking it easily off the ground.

“Looks like it’s about time for us to get going. Y’all got your weapon issue all settled up?” Applejack asked after she had trotted close enough to the pegasus.

Before he could reply, a sharp whistle echoed through the courtyard followed by shouting. “All who are joining me in checking the ruins form up! Everyone else get ready to do it! Looks like the fire is almost out!”

Orb’s team formed up, Applejack and Light Patch falling in with them. The group set out, heading left while the others went right and disappeared around the side of the fort. After a few minutes of walking, Light Patch trotted forward to keep pace with Orb. “Hey, uh...how are we getting back into the ruins anyway?”

“The same way we got you out last time,” Orb said, pointing towards the ceiling of the cavern. “The hole you made in the roof.”

“I was afraid you’d say that.” Light Patch gulped, looking towards the ceiling.

“At least this time you’ll be able to fly yourself,” Orb pointed out.

After a few more hours of travel, they reached the area underneath the hole. Light Patch and Applejack gave their gear to the Arachcolsid to haul up the cavern walls while Light Patch flew himself and Applejack up.

“That went quicker than I remember,” one of the Arachcolsid said once they’d all gotten to the top.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t as much fun without hearing Light Patch whimper in terror and rant about how pegasi weren’t meant to be in the air,” Orb replied, joining Applejack in snickering at the blush and anger on the grey pegasus’ face.

“Yeah, yeah laugh it up. Where do we go from here?” the grey stallion asked, glaring at Orb.

“We’re heading back to where you fought the Crypt Pendulum. Beyond that room is where the queen believes we’ll find what we’re looking for,” Orb replied. “Light Patch and I will lead the way. Applejack, you and Weaver follow right behind. Everyone else, form up behind them in whatever order you’d like.” With that, Orb turned and started stalking down the hallways, Light Patch right beside him. The grey pegasus frowned at the chuckles from the others as he held the sledge hammer ready to use in case of a fight. Applejack and Weaver fell into step behind the lead pair, Weaver with a bow and Applejack with her rope.

The group slowly worked its way through the labyrinth, working hard to keep quiet. Light Patch was delighted to see that few things seemed to have been disturbed since he’d last seen the halls. Their speed was tempered more by caution than difficulty. Many traps were still marked or even discharged from Light Patch and Just Duty’s earlier adventure through the halls. Light Patch frowned as the thoughts worked through his head.

“What’s wrong, hay bale?” Applejack asked, having noticed the pegasus stallion’s ears folding back.

“I was thinking back to when I was here with Just Duty. I feel like I should have seen it coming or I should have tried harder to talk him down. Or I should have convinced him to let me go and retrieve it. Or....or...something! I feel responsible for what’s happened with him, like I could have and should have done more!” Light Patch replied vehemently. He sighed.

“If’n you had seen this coming, you’d have acted sooner and probably been in a fight with him sooner. He seemed pretty determined on using the artifact from what you’d said. I don’t think there was much you’d have been able to say to talk him outta it.” Applejack paused to think back to what Light Patch had said. “This may just be me, but I reckon he might have actually been preparing to turn on those other two, Holdfast and Bael. At least until Discord revealed the whole game thing, that is. So, I doubt you can take the blame for that one either.” She finished with a nod.

“Yeah, I know...” Light Patch replied slowly, “But there’s a difference between knowing something and accepting it.”

“Truer words have rarely been spoken,” Orb chimed in, causing Applejack to nod.

Light Patch took a few steps before turning back to look at Applejack in curiousity. “Hay Bale?” he asked.

“Well, calling you three sugar cube doesn’t feel right, so I thought I’d try something else,” Applejack replied along with a shrug. “It’s kind of nice to work with you again though. We haven’t directly worked together on something since back at Roads Crossed.”

“Most of what I remember from working with you in Roads Crossed was getting so tangled up in ropes it put spider webs to shame,” Light Patch deadpanned, causing Orb and the other Arachcolsid to chitter in amusement, which then turned into laughter at the blush on Applejack’s face as she remembered.

Any possible retort Applejack could have given was suddenly cut off as Light Patch and Orb began to gag. Seconds later, Applejack regretted her curiosity as she got a wiff of the smell incapacitating the two ahead of her. The group pulled back to get some relatively fresher air and a chance to talk without losing their previous meal.

“What was that smell?” Applejack choked out once she was sure her lunch was going to stay put.

“If it’s what I expect it was, it means we’re close to the artifact room,” Light Patch replied, rubbing his nose.

“And what do you suspect that awful stink is?” one of the Arachcolsid asked.

“The corpse of the Crypt Pendulum that Just Duty and I had to fight to take the artifact...” Light Patch paused before continuing. “You know, I never did learn the name of that artifact.”

“Focus, Light Patch,” Applejack urged, poking the pegasus. “You sure that...” she trailed off trying to think of an appropriate word for the smell.

“Stench?” Orb offered.

“Yeah stench. You sure that stench was it?” Applejack finished.

“From what I’ve smelled, it stinks enough to be. And this place doesn’t seem to have an eco system. So there probably aren’t any scavengers to eat the dead stuff. I’m almost positive that was the smell of the Crypt Pendulum turning into dirt,” Light Patch replied. “I regret I don’t have a spell for dealing with it.” He was solemn as he gazed back down the way they’d just fled from.

“We might have something,” Orb said, gazing at the ponies speculatively. “We didn’t figure on this happening, but I think a combination of Arachcolsid silk nose plugs and some herbs might help to combat the worse of the smell.” Orb looked through his own gear. Lacking any better options, the ponies let the arachnid-like beings get to work. They took the natural silk they produced, then rolled it up along with the strongest smelling herbs they had. Within minutes, they had finished and Light Patch looked down at the two web pellets on his hoof.

“Yay, I get to smell cinnamon and spider butt for the next hour or so,” the pegasus cheered dully, a frown on his face. This caused Orb to roll his eyes. “What herb did you get Applejack? Anything is better than cinnamon? I hate cinnamon.”

“Mint, and is there anything good that you actually do like?” Applejack asked, thinking back to the argument with Pinkie Pie.

“If you ask Wits End, the answer is no,” Light Patch said, taking the newly traded plugs and shoving them in his nose. “Now, let’s do this before I discover that I actually hate mint too.” The group slowly made their way towards the stench, having almost unanimously selected Light Patch to go first to test the nose plugs. The rest of the group quietly pulled up short and let him tromp unknowingly ahead.

“Well, at least the nose plugs seem to be working,” Light Patch called.

“Why don’t you take a few more steps in just to make sure,” Orb suggested. Light Patch turned around and frowned when he noticed how he’d taken the lead.

“Cowards,” he muttered, ignoring chittering laughter as he turned back and walked all of the way into the artifact room. He paused after entering. The nose plug was fighting the stench and was so far winning.
Barely, he thought, fighting a strong bout of nausea. Other than the obscene stink, the room was as he remembered from the panicked sprint out of it. The Crypt Pendulum still lay where it had fallen, except it looked much worse for wear. He blinked at it for a few seconds and slowly made his way towards it. Once he was close enough, he reached out and poked it a couple of times. “And Fran is still dead,” he mused quietly to himself before turning back to the hallway. “It’s still dead and the nose plugs are working as well as they possibly could.” He called down the hallway as he walked back to the center of the room.

“Huh, these are working fairly well. Ah may have to keep a set for washing Wanona after she’s been rolling in stuff,” Applejack said, carefully making her way into the room. She looked around and froze at the giant corpse behind Light Patch. “Woah, you two really did have your work cut out for you, didn’t ya?”

“I’m all for admiring the skill of strong warriors and what not, but let’s hurry up and finish this before the nose plugs stop working,” Orb suggested as he and the rest of the party passed between the two ponies to go through the door on the far side of the room. Reminded of the unknown time limit the nose plugs had, the two ponies quickly followed the band of Arachcolsid. They passed through the opening and marveled at the massive pillars spaced through the epically sized room. Each pillar had hundreds of open sarcophagi, each filled with an unmoving skeleton.

“Wow... Ah really can’t blame you an’ Just for running after seeing this,” Applejack breathed in awe as she looked at the uncountable number of skeletons.

“Yeah, and we didn’t even see all of this. We just saw the hundreds on this main row,” Light Patch replied, poking one of the skeletons at ground level. “They look like they were decked out to guard the place.” He looked at their armor and weapons, briefly considering trading out his sledge hammer for one of their war hammers. However, he shuddered at the thought of what Smithing Westi might do if he didn’t bring her tool back to her.

“According to what Arachcolsid legends say about this place, any being who perishes while exploring this place is supposed to be added to this army,” Orb chimed, from deeper in the room.

“And yet it doesn’t look like a single one of them chased Just and me,” the pegasus said before frowning. “Not sure if I should feel insulted by that or not. I am willing to bet they were responsible for maintaining the place too, probably accounts for why the crypt pendulum’s corpse is still there and why so many of the traps are broken.”

“Ah’m sure you’re worth chasing. Maybe they just detected something they considered a bigger threat,” Applejack offered, patting the stallion on the back.

“Or maybe they couldn’t do anything,” Orb shouted. The two ponies shared a glance at each other before they hurried to where Orb was to find another thin pedestal with another large crystalline artifact on the ground next to it. Unlike the mind control one, this artifact was made of purple crystal and looked to be held together by yellow bone.

“Looks like some kind’o necro doohiky,” Applejack said after looking at it for a few moments.

“Thank you for the pure official terminology, Applejack.” Light Patch felt a knowledge check necromancy succeed. “But she’s right. That is totally a necromancy artifact. And I’d be willing to bet it’s meant to control the undead in here. Those lines from the pedestal probably snake through to each and every sarcophagi.”

“If’n it’s the control artifact, then why ain’t we getting swarmed yet?” Applejack asked skeptically.

“Looks like it fell off its pedestal,” Orb retorted dryly, causing Light Patch to hoof pump.

I totally called it, he thought to himself before gagging as his exaggerated movement had loosened the nose plugs, allowing the smell of the dead Crypt Pendulum to enter his nose. He shoved the plugs back into place and forced himself to stop gagging. His eyes locked on the artifact. After a few seconds, an evil smile crossed his face as he glanced back towards the source of the smell and the undead army controller. I think I can work with this, he thought before bursting out into evil laughter.

“Should we be worried,” Orb murmured, leaning towards Applejack.

“Probably. Ahm assuming he’s got a plan of some sort,” she replied casually.

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 80: Baseward Bound

“Are you sure you should be moving at that pace?” Fluttershy asked worriedly as she flew beside a striding Purple Heart. “Your injuries are still pretty bad and you yourself pointed out how injuries take longer to heal now.”

The purple earth pony sighed, feeling a tightness in his chest as he panted lightly for breath. As much as it irked him, the yellow pegasus was right. He shouldn’t be putting such stress on his still healing body. Bowing his head in acquiescence, Purple Heart slowed his pace to a meandering walk. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Fluttershy breathe a sigh of relief.

“You really care for your friends, don’t you?” Purple Heart said. Fluttershy gave a small smile and nodded. “You don’t see Wits, Light, or me as dangerous ponies to stay away from? We did lie to you about what we really are.” Fluttershy’s smile shrunk slightly as she mulled the question over.

“I do care for my friends,” she answered finally, settling a penetrating blue gaze on the purple earth pony. “All of you are my friends.” Her tone brooked no discussion and yet Purple Heart tried to speak.

“But-”

“Shush,” Fluttershy warned, eyes narrowing at her companion while she raised a resolute hoof to silence him further. “All of you are my friends. And I don’t see Wits, Light Patch, or you as dangerous. Just scared and wanting to go home. As for lying about who you really are...” Fluttershy fell silent briefly before speaking again. “You have your own secrets, just like Wits did when he was working against Mister Holdfast.”

“Secrets that could have hurt people,” Purple Heart pointed out.

“Did we get hurt?” Fluttershy shot back, eyes glinting with determination.

Purple Heart didn’t immediately answer and Fluttershy nodded her head resolutely. “See?”

“Fine,” he relented. “But still, it’s bad practice keeping secrets from friends.” Fluttershy’s smile returned and she turned back to the road, humming happily. Purple Heart just sighed, eyeing the road ahead. Their progress was halted when a poof of multicolored smoke erupted into existence just in front of them. Coughing, the duo waved their hooves to clear the smoke. They squinted, trying to see through the cloud that then rushed away from them to form words hovering in mid air.

To my wonderful, yellow, pink-maned friend! And the other one,

It just so happens that I have enough juice to give everypony two level-ups to equalize the playing field a smidgen. It’s not much, but it’s more than what you had previously. Do you want to pick for yourself or shall I do it?

Two clouds of smoke detached from the upper message to form two words below it: ‘custom’ and ‘auto’.

“I’m lazy,” Purple Heart admitted. “But I also want to know what the carp I’m getting before I get saddled with something I don’t like.” He paused for a second, realizing what he’d said. “No pun intended.” Fluttershy giggled softly and waved a hoof through the smoke word. The two selections disappeared and more smoke words appeared, listing the offered abilities for the two ponies to choose from.

“Huh,” Purple Heart grunted, eyeing the options. “Ima choose these two. I need more suicide tactics. As if my mentality hasn’t been as such.”

“You did go up against somepony that seemed to be as strong as Celestia not too long ago,” Fluttershy commented softly, waving a hoof through her two selections. “Though, I don’t think you’d go out of your way to be suicidal.”

“I don’t,” Purple Heart replied, making his choices. “Lethal things just hit me sometimes.”

Fluttershy gave the purple earth pony a look.

“Hey, not my fault,” he evaded.

The selection dissipated, flowing into more words.

Dearest friend of mine, you have chosen the Summon Familiar ability. It will allow you to call a great flying creature to your aid to either assist in battle or carry you swiftly from place to place. You have also received an augmentation of your Stare ability. Most ponies will freeze under your brilliant gaze now.

Purple Bruise, you chose the Endure All skill and the Doom Whomper feat. Endure All is a passive skill that allows you to continue fighting whilst unconscious and the Doom Whomper feat is a pseudo-suicide attack where you headbutt somepony and damage both yourself and your target, mostly your victim though.

Now, I have a town to fortify. Be good! Take care of yourself, dearest Fluttershy! I packed a lunch for you! Purple Heart… Don’t get hit.

Fluttershy scooped up her sack lunch as the smoke cleared, its message disappearing with it.

“Kinda laying the kissing up a little thick, isn’t he?” Purple Heart grunted. “Although, gratuitous kissing up is seldom wasted.”

“He knows I’m less than pleased,” Fluttershy said, a small scowl marring her normally kind features.

“I can imagine.” Purple Heart rolled his neck and resumed walking down the path. The two continued on in silence for some time until Fluttershy plucked up the courage to address something that had been bothering her since their encounter with the newly ascended villains.

“Do you miss Navee?” she inquired. The only sign that the question had affected Purple Heart in some fashion was a brief hesitation in his stride. She flapped a beat harder to advance past him. Coming around his shoulder, Fluttershy saw a blank expression on the stallion’s face.

“Do I miss Navee?” he said softly. “No. I didn’t know her enough to feel the ache of missing her.” A grim look of displeasure crossed Fluttershy’s face. As if sensing her ire, Purple Heart continued speaking. “That doesn’t mean I don’t regret her death. She was my subordinate and as Primarch of the Emerald Legion, it’s my duty to protect my subordinates. And I failed. Epically.”

Fluttershy’s glare softened once she heard his further explanation. She had started thinking that the Purple Barbarian was once again falling into his habits of being crass like he had during their stay in Gallopilli. But, he apparently wasn’t. He felt regret. And that didn’t call for her ragging on him.

“So,” she hummed. “You, Wits End, and Light Patch are humans?”

“Yes,” Purple Heart replied shortly. “Discord thought it would be amusing to bring three extremely strange and unusual humans into a fictional universe made of pastel ponies. Honestly, I don’t understand how he didn’t see his downfall coming. He went and brought us of all people and we aren’t exactly known for our sanity. Could it be his hubris or did he think like the rest of the universe did about Earth that we are ‘mostly harmless’?”

Fluttershy blinked confusedly at the Purple Barbarian’s rambling. She only understood parts of what he said and felt as if she’d missed a joke.

“What do you mean about your sanity?” she inquired, picking one of the terms she was familiar with.

“You interact with Pinkie Pie on a day to day basis, jes?” Purple Heart asked. She nodded. “In terms of randomness, Pinkie Pie takes the cake, no pun intended. Us though, we’re just plain devious and unkind.”

The yellow pegasus cocked her head. “You’re jerks?”

“Oooooooh yes.” He chuckled. “We are exceptional jerks who are only polite when it suits us.”

“What has that got to do with your sanity?”

Purple Heart turned and peered at her with wide eyes. “Everything,” he whispered. Fluttershy shivered and elected to move to less creepy subjects.

“What about your cutie marks?” she asked.

“You mean the lack thereof? A human being’s occupation, favorite thing, or lot in life isn’t defined by a picture on their butt,” he commented. “Most humans don’t decide on what they want to do until they’re in their late teens. I’m still struggling to find what I want to do. Though, some humans, usually in a bout of rebellion, get pictures on their butt. Then they regret everything.”

Confused at the last part of Purple Heart’s speech, Fluttershy decided to move the conversation along. “What things do you like to do?”

“Oh, a number of things. Writing, playing video games, acting, being lazy, reading, watching anime and movies… There aren’t many simple career choices in there. I’m still in college for carp’s sake.”

“Oh.”

They fell once more into a companionable silence as they walked through the forest. It didn’t last long however.

“You do realize that we’re pretty far away from the Emerald Legion base?” Purple Heart inquired. “Do you think we could test out your Summon Familiar ability? I mean, I don’t mind walking, but we’ll get there quickly if we use the familiar and it won’t aggravate my wounds as much.”

Fluttershy squinted at Purple Heart, searching his innocent looking face for the laziness that he’d mentioned earlier. However, she only saw sincerity. And she had to admit, he’d hurt a lot less when they finally got to the base if they flew instead of walked. Well, she would fly, he would walk. Sighing, Fluttershy nodded in acquiescence.

“Summon Familiar,” she intoned, activating the ability. The pair waited for some great creature to appear.

Their waiting was met with nothing.

“Ehm,” Purple Heart coughed into a hoof. “Why’d nothing happen?”

Fluttershy shook her head weakly. “I’m not sure,” she replied, brow furrowed slightly in confusion.

“Could it be a dud?” Purple Heart asked. “If Discord trolled us, I’m going to-”

A ground shook when something landed behind Purple Heart. Fluttershy’s blue eyes widened in surprise and then her face became a mask of joy. She grinned, eyes bright as a small sound came from her mouth.

“Squee!”

Purple Heart blinked and whirled around. He gaped.

“Ye carping heck,” he breathed. “Where’s his umbrella?”

Sitting before the two ponies was a massive, rotund creature that looked to be the size of the Bandit Chieftain from way back at the beginning of the campaign. Two dark eyes eyes peered down at them. The creature’s nose quivered and it yawned, revealing block-like teeth. It was dark grey in color, save an oval of cream fur that covered its stomach and chest. Its cream-colored chest had seven dark grey chevrons of fur there, seemingly for decoration. Two conical ears perched atop his head and six long whiskers, three on each cheek, radiated out.

“Isn’t he adorable?” Fluttershy sighed, staring up at the massive raccoon-cat hybrid.

“It’s Totoro,” Purple Heart whispered. “It’s carping Totoro. That’s it. I’m dead. I’ve died from blood loss.”

Fluttershy merely ignored Purple Heart’s ramblings, stepped past the purple earth pony, and looked up at Totoro.

“Excuse me,” the yellow pegasus said. “Would you please take us to the Emerald Legion base? It’s...” She trailed off, looking around to Purple Heart, her gaze questioning.

“Oh,” he grunted. “It’s under a mountain near the village of Mistakwe.” Fluttershy turned back to Totoro.

“Could you please take us there?” she asked gently. Totoro’s eyes softened and a wide smile appeared on his face.

“To-to-ROOOOO~” he called, leaning over to pick up Purple Heart. Fluttershy giggled at the purple earth pony’s discomfort and latched on to Totoro’s shoulder. With his passengers secured, the raccoon-cat creature pulled out a nondescript black umbrella and a top which he spun before jumping lightly on. He then sped up into the air, grinning madly as one of his passengers matched his grin while the other remembered his dislike of heights.

* * *

“Thank you!” Fluttershy waved happily at Totoro. The cat-raccoon-bird thing returned the gesture from its perch atop a massive tree.

“Come on,” Purple Heart urged, waiting impatiently a cavern mouth in a small hill. “We need to get moving to dodge the patrols.” The yellow pegasus turned and trotted over to join the purple earth pony after waving good-bye one last time to her summoned familiar. As the two drew closer to the cave entrance, Totoro faded from sight, dismissed.

“Do you think we can get in without anypony noticing us?” Fluttershy asked softly as they entered the cave tunnel system.

“Nope,” Purple Heart replied, rubbing his bandaged chest with a hoof. “The patrols outside are easy to avoid. In here is a whole other story. Last I checked, the total strength of the Emerald Legion amounted to maybe a thousand ponies and the greatest concentration of them is here at home base. If we don’t get spotted, then we’re in trouble.”

Fluttershy frowned in confusion. “Wouldn’t we be in trouble if they spotted us?” she asked, keeping her voice low.

“Different kind of trouble,” Purple Heart elaborated. When he didn’t continue speaking, Fluttershy nudged him gently.

“Which is?”

“If we run into patrols inside, we’re in the kind of trouble we can fight our way out of,” the purple earth pony explained. “If we don’t find anyone in here, then Bael managed to gather the Emerald Legion to his banner against me. In that case, we’re in the kind of trouble where our task of beating the buggers just got a carp load more difficult.”

“Oh.”

“Yah. So, seeing Legionnaires here will be better than the alternative.”

“Do we have to keep talking then? I don’t want to fight them,” Fluttershy whispered. “Talking will lead them to us.”

“Fair point,” Purple Heart relented, his voice dropping in volume. The pair of ponies pressed on in silence. As they moved deeper and deeper into the Legion’s base, they came upon ruined furniture and equipment. Several rooms were empty, save for dilapidated and destroyed contents. Others bore nothing but dark red splotches.

“Is that…b-blood?” Fluttershy stammered when they came face to face with a darkly stained wall. Purple Heart’s face was grim as he poked the wall with a hoof. When he pulled it away, viscous red liquid stuck to his hoof.

“Or strawberry jam,” the purple earth pony answered softly. He took a small lick and his face twisted into a grimace.

“Please tell me it’s just a bad batch of spilled jam,” Fluttershy pleaded. Shaking his head in disgust, Purple Heart spat on the floor, trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

“Too much iron,” he mused. “It’s still warm too. There must have been a battle here recently.” He ignored the whimper of fear from his yellow companion as he wiped the blood off his hoof.

“So, bad trouble?” Fluttershy inquired, following behind Purple Heart as he resumed walking.

“Not yet, I hope,” he replied over his shoulder. His posture was now more guarded than it had been before they encountered the bloody wall. “Be on guard. We don’t know what could be awaiting us further in.”

Fluttershy merely nodded in agreement, electing to hide behind Purple Heart. If the purple earth pony was irritated by her choice of protection, he didn’t show it. He seemed to settle further into himself, as if he was satisfied by her course of action.

They continued on past several more empty side chambers before eventually coming to the largest hewn out room they’d seen yet. On the furthest wall from the entrance was a number of tables laden down with covered serving plates. Presumably, this was the mess hall. Several long wooden tables that were most likely eaten at by the hungry Legionnaires were scattered around the hall in various degrees of disrepair. The few that were intact sat on their sides, as if they’d been used as cover for combating ponies. This was further proven by the arrows and spears that littered the hall. And yet, there were no corpses. Fortunately for Fluttershy.

“Okay, I’m concerned now,” Purple Heart mumbled, looking sadly at what remained of his Legion.

“Do you think some might have escaped?” Fluttershy asked, hovering above the ground to avoid the red splotches.

“I unno,” Purple Heart replied, stepping into the ruined mess hall. “I had a telepathic link to my Legion, but I have the distinct impression that Bael severed it somehow. I’m not exactly surprised though. Technically, I’m the Emerald Legion’s grandfather in a roundabout sort of way as the Emerald Seed was created by Bael himself.”

Fluttershy blinked and furrowed her brow in confusion. She looked at Purple Heart questioningly, silently asking for an explanation. Feeling the yellow pegasus’ gaze on him, Purple Heart glanced over his shoulder and met her questioning eyes. Stepping neatly over a destroyed bench, he sighed.

“Discord made Bael from my emotions, I think,” he explained. “So Bael has, however small, a part of my personality and essence within him to give him definition as a living creature. Hence, it’s reasonable to think of him as my offspring.” The Purple Barbarian frowned after finishing his speech. Then he blanched.

“Carp,” he swore. “I have a son. I’m too young to have a son. I’m only twenty! I can’t have a son now! Mom will kill me! Granted, I have to survive this catastrophe first, but still! She’s gonna-”

Emboldened briefly by her irritation at the stallion’s rambling, Fluttershy smacked Purple Heart upside the head, ceasing his rambling and successfully floofing his mane briefly. He blinked once at being interrupted and stared at her. Instantly, Fluttershy flinched and shrunk in on herself.

“Sorry,” she apologized weakly. Purple Heart shuddered, eyes wide with surprise.

“No need to apologize, Fluttergibbs,” he replied, waving a hoof dismissively. “Even if I was pissed off, I’d never do physical harm to Wits’ waifu.” Fluttershy balked mid-air and frowned, turning to eye the purple earth pony.

“What is a ‘waifu’?” she asked, her tone remarkably cold. Purple Heart stumbled over a piece of table and crashed to the ground.

Carp, did I say that out loud? He wondered, whirling around to look at Fluttershy. He tried to keep a straight face when he saw her cold, questioning stare. Fudge bollocks, I did.

“What,” Fluttershy ground out, “is. A. ‘Waifu’?”

I swear to any god thing that is listening, sans Bael, Holdfast, and Just Duty, PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS SITUATION! Purple Heart hoped his prayer was heard. Surprisingly, it was.

A clatter sounded from the door that lead to the kitchens. Forgetting her quarry for a brief moment, Fluttershy’s hard glare swivelled to the door the sound came from. The door swung open and a white earth pony stallion about Light Patch’s size entered the mess hall. His mane and tail were black, a stark contrast against his white coat. A chef’s hat was perched on his head and an apron wrapped around his hindquarters. A large wooden spoon sheathed through his apron like a sword bounced off his hip as he walked. He looked up finally and both Purple Heart and Fluttershy could see tear tracks that traced down his cheeks. His green gaze flicked between the two ponies unseeingly until they stopped on Purple Heart. Recognition flooded his face and he pulled the wooden spoon from his apron.

“TRAITOR!” he screamed, whirling the spoon in his hoof before gripping it with his teeth. He charged the stunned pair, jumping over ruined tables and benches as he advanced on his target.

I take it back! Purple Heart squawked mentally, staring at the vengeful colt. I’ll explain it to her! I didn’t ask for THIS!!!

Any further thought was interrupted by the rapidly approaching spoon wielding colt intent on bequeathing severe physical harm upon Purple Heart.

“You left us alone against the Demon!” the white colt cried, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks as he took a wild swing at Purple Heart with his spoon. “We were slaughtered by his hideous beasts when he came for us!” The spoon was cast aside when Purple Heart dodged away. The colt kicked powerfully at a fallen table, sending it flying towards the Purple Barbarian. Eyes widening in surprise, Purple Heart leapt over the massive wooden missile. He landed, having successfully avoided the table. However, his success was short lived as he was instantly set upon by a furious barrage of kicks from the cook pony. Fluttershy stared at the fighting earth ponies, uncertain about what she could do about the sudden conflict.

She noticed a flicker of rage flash across Purple Heart’s face as he finally retorted to the cook stallion’s accusation.

“And killing me will fix what, exactly?” the Purple Barbarian sneered, deflecting a kick and responding with a punch. “I was injured a little over an hour ago! Nigh fatally! What could I have done if I had been here to repel Bael?!”

The white colt darted forward and managed to sneak within Purple Heart’s guard, bringing his green eyes up to stare directly into surprised cobalt orbs.

“You could have helped!” the stallion snarled, ramming his head up into Purple Heart’s jaw. “Not so many would have been lost!” Fluttershy squeaked in fear as Purple Heart fell back limply, obviously stunned from the attack. The white colt stood over his apparent commander, glaring down at the fallen stallion. With soft beats of her wings, Fluttershy edged slowly towards her companion and friend, hoping to provide what medical attention she knew. Her progress was halted when Purple Heart spoke.

“Some survived?” he asked softly. A shudder of surprise ran down Fluttershy’s spine when she heard such a weak, guilt ridden tone come from the Purple Barbarian. Light blue eyes flicked to the white colt and she saw a look of surprise on what little of his face she could see. He obviously hadn’t been expecting such words and guilt from Purple Heart. The white colt jerked a nod.

“What’s your name?” Purple Heart asked, looking up at the cook pony.

Hesitating briefly, the stallion shuffled from hoof to hoof as he considered answering. He opened his mouth and said, “Tray Tore.”
Fluttershy frowned curiously at the subtle shifting of Purple Heart’s face as he restrained himself from reacting to the colt’s name beyond a nod of acknowledgement.

“I am sorry, Chef Tray,” the purple earth pony said, bowing his head. “I wish I had been here to assist in fighting off Bael, but I was otherwise occupied.”

'Otherwise occupied fighting Bael' you mean. Fluttershy thought.

“Are there any Legionnaires here who need medical attention?” Purple Heart asked. Tray Tore jerked another nod. “Will they be willing to follow me to avenge their comrades?”

Again, the white chef colt hesitated in answering. “You’ll have to ask that directly,” Tray Tore allowed. “Only three score survived and over two thirds are injured. You aren’t exactly popular right now.”

“I can imagine,” Purple Heart muttered. Believing that the fight was over, Fluttershy whizzed over and set about looking over the purple earth pony’s injuries. “Can you lead me to them?”

Tray Tore sighed and nodded. “We’ve been barricaded in the kitchen since the attack,” he said. “Follow me.”

Purple Heart heaved himself to his hooves and followed after the chef pony with Fluttershy trailing behind them.

“Do you think they’ll help us?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“Not all of them,” Purple Heart replied. “But I hope enough do. I need at least fifty to benefit from my Primarch prestige class.”

“The more followers you have, the greater your power?” Fluttershy inquired as they moved around tables and upended benches towards the kitchen.

“The more subordinates I have, the greater our power,” he corrected. “It’s a pseudo-symbiotic relationship.” Tray Tore stopped by the kitchen door and turned to look at the ponies.

“Some won’t be too enthused at seeing you,” he said to Purple Heart. “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes,” Purple Heart nodded. “I need to explain myself. I need to do this.”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart

Chapter 81: Rarely Does a Rainbow Appear at Twilight

“Elemental Infusion and Focus,” Rainbow Dash said, her voice flat.

“Needle Storm and Summon Greater Ponnequin,” Rarity sighed.

“Lock Talents and…” Twilight frowned. “What is this one?”

“Friendshot Blast,” Discord supplied, hovering semi-transparent a few feet above them. “It makes the ponies fall down.” He flipped over onto his back. “I must say, you three don’t seem nearly as enthused as I expected when I took the time to help you three level up personally.”

“Didn’t ask for it…” Dash grumbled.

Discord shook his head. “You three don’t have the colts- well, the boys to help you level up. I’m just giving you three the advantage of my expe-”

“Don’t you have a town to work on?” Twilight cut in. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“I’m astrally projecting part of myself while I-”

“Booooored!” Rainbow Dash groaned.

Discord frowned, dropping to the ground. “Fine. If you insist, I’m trying to get these townsponies to help me perform a ritual to regain some of my powers. If I have them, those three villains don’t. You’re welcome.” He glanced off to one side. “Whoops. Sounds like Tasty Jams has finished my sandwich. Do you know how hard it is to get a PB&J when the first part of that hasn’t been invented yet? Anyway, toodles!” The apparition vanished into thin air with the faint sound of a sad balloon having the air let out of it.

Rarity sighed. “Finally. I thought he would never leave.”

“The level up was nice though,” Rainbow Dash commented idly. “Gives us more of a chance against the...villains, I guess you could call them.”

“Yeah, it seems like the best term for them,” Twilight agreed. “At least they’re honest with their actions.”

Rarity groaned and rubbed her face with a hoof. “Please, Twilight dear, can we not discuss them right now? I had just gotten used to being with just mares again.”

“And isn’t Applejack supposed to be more antsy about them lying?” Rainbow Dash mused. “I mean, she is the Element of Honesty.”

“Applejack is making sure one of them doesn’t lie any more,” Twilight grumbled.

Rarity frowned. “Darling, please-”

“No. As long as we’re walking, we’re going to talk about this.” Twilight turned around, trotting backwards down the dirt path to face the other two mares. “Those three lied to us for this whole time! Not once did they even try to tell us, to even give us a hint that they were anything but ponies! How do we know what else they might be hiding.”

“You know,” Rainbow Dash mused, “it’s kinda ironic that you—the one pony to go see humans—is the one that’s making a big deal about this.”

“I’m making such a big deal out of it because they could have been anything and we wouldn’t have known! They could have been changelings! Also, for the record, they aren’t even the same set of humans I’ve seen!” Twilight replied defensively.

“It seems to me,” Rarity mused as she tapped her muzzle in thought, “that the question we might want to ask is ‘why didn’t they try to tell us’?”

“What makes you say that, Rarity?” Rainbow inquired.

“For starters, it would give us some insight into their own inner thought processes. Sometimes a pon… a being’s reason for not saying something can be just as important as a reason to say it.”

Twilight shook her head. “The reason they didn’t say anything is because they’re still hiding things. Who knows what else they’re hiding? Who knows wha-”

“Twilight,” Rainbow Dash interrupted. “You might wanna turn around.”

“Huh?” the purple alicorn grunted, brow furrowed at Rainbow Dash. Her gaze followed the blue pegasus’ pointed hoof and she gasped at the sight she saw.

“Sweet Celestia,” Rarity swore, eyes wide with awe and surprise.

Gallopilli’s wall stood further down the path. Its massive gate was smashed, leaving all free to enter as they wished. Plumes of grey smoke furled from behind the stone wall, twisting up into the sky. The sound of metal scraping against metal could be heard faintly in the distance, heralding the marching of armored troops that were moving through the city.

“I think we have a problem,” Rainbow Dash stated. The three ponies immediately broke into a run, hurrying their way towards the remnants of the once proud and massive gate. Upon reaching the entrance, they edged cautiously past the dilapidated pieces of wood and into the city, fearful of what they might find.

“Rainbow Dash, go fly up and see what state the rest of the city is in,” Twilight ordered, falling into princess mode. Nodding silently to acknowledge the command, Rainbow Dash soared higher into the air, moving swiftly over the ruined city blocks.

“Do you suppose we are too late to find Queen Amber Glitter?” Rarity asked as they hid in a side alley.

“I hope not,” Twilight murmured. “Our job just got a whole lot harder.” The purple alicorn looked skyward, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rainbow Dash returning from her brief reconnaissance. Her wishes were granted when she saw a blue blur whiz overhead towards the street. Twilight and Rarity ran out to wave her down. When Rainbow Dash landed, her face was a mask of horror and fear.

“Pretty much the entire city has fallen under attack,” she panted. “Only the castle itself remains standing, but it’s being sieged as we speak.” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. They could still get to Amber Glitter, but it would be difficult.

“Who is the aggressor?” she asked.

“I couldn’t find who was leading the army,” Rainbow Dash said. “But so far, I’ve just seen armored ponies that all look alike. They’re all wearing the same armor.”

“Who wants to bet that one of the villains is in charge of those ponies?” Rarity wondered tiredly, eliciting a sigh from Twilight.

“Even when the colts aren’t here, they’re causing trouble for us,” she muttered

“That's not exactly fair to the colts, dear. This is as much their fault as the Cutie Mark Crusaders adventures are the fault of me or Applejack or Scootaloo’s parents,” Rarity counseled.

“So, what’s the plan?” Rainbow Dash piped up, interrupting the growing argument. “Are we still going to get Amber Glitter?”

Twilight nodded, tamping down her irritation with the colts. “We have to find a way into the castle that avoids any of the troops from the invading army.”

Rainbow Dash pointed down one of the streets. “This way seems clear. One turn, then we can take this straight to the castle.”

“Let’s go, then,” Twilight said. “The longer we wait, the more danger Amber Glitter is in.”

The three mares dashed down the street, reaching the corner in no time flat. As they rounded the turn, they found themselves face-to-helmet with five suits of armor. “Rainbow…” Rarity growled.

“They weren’t there when I was flying!” Rainbow Dash shot back, drawing her bow and hastily firing an arrow at the lead armored pony. The arrow planted itself neatly in the eyeslit of the pony’s helmet. It staggered backwards, turned its head slightly to face the cyan pegasus, and took up a fighting stance.
“Looks like Holdfast has more of these empty suits,” Twilight grumbled

“More?” Rarity questioned, moving back to prepare to fend off the suits. Recognition dawned on her face “You’re talking about the suits of armor Wits fought back when we just escaped from underground.”

“Yes,” Twilight confirmed. “Lightning Bolt!” Lightning arced from her horn and struck the lead suit of armor. Electricity cascaded across the metal surface and leapt to the other members of the patrol. As one, the suits shuddered under the sparking attack. Two fell to their knees, but looked relatively unharmed. No apparent damage had been done at all.

“Okay, I’m going to punch the colts when we see them again,” Twilight growled, glaring at the suits of armor.

“Why, pray tell?” Rarity asked, using her Puppetry ability to halt the suits’ forward progress as the mares backed away.

“For one, I’ve never seen this kind of magic before,” the alicorn said, “so it probably came from one of their heads. Two, all of us are support classes with no real bludgeoning attacks. Piercing attacks are well and good, but only if there’s something under the armor, which there isn’t. So yeah, I’m getting more annoyed.”

“Well, at least there are, ” Rainbow ducked under the sword of a suit before kicking it away, “plenty of objects to take some of that annoyance out on.”

“If it helps dear, you could pretend the colts faces are on the suits. I sometimes do that when working with dresses on Ponnequins for particul-” she was interrupted by a couple of the suits attacking her, “ for particularly difficult clients,” she finished quickly, using her magic to throw one of the fallen armors into the ones closest to her.

Twilight faced down one of the last of the suits. “Huh. I guess I’ll try that.” Her magic enveloped the armor, lifting it off the ground. With a shout, she slammed it into the ground. Again and again, she bashed the armor against the cobblestone; the armor denting and contorting each time. Finally, she let out a roar and flung the armor into the sky, sending it flying over the buildings. “You’re right,” she said sweetly, turning back to the two mares. “That does help.”

Rarity pursed her lips. “Glad to have… helped?”

Rainbow Dash crowed happily and streaked from the sky, hitting the helmet off one of the suits with a well placed kick. The armor stood their for a moment as if confused. An armored hoof lifted up and pawed at the open air above its body. Another kick sent the armor to pieces as it flew after the one that Twilight had tossed.

“Thanks, Rarity.” Rainbow Dash grinned maniacally. “It makes you feel much better. Try it.”

“Ehm, right,” the fashionista coughed. Her magic stretched out to grasp one of the remaining whole suits and she lifted it into the air gently. For a moment, she hesitated, not truly committing to taking such a barbaric course of action. Then she shrugged and the suit of armor was bashed through a wall. Her magic dissipated, leaving the armor embedded in the stone, leaving its armored hindquarters jerking feebly above the ground.

“Alright, I admit it,” she sighed. “It does feel nice.”

The two remaining suits of armor turned their helmets towards each other, as if communicating in silence. After a moment, they nodded, pointed their weapons at the mares, and then turned 180 degrees and ran away, their metallic hoof falls echoing in the distance.

Twilight stared where the armor had ran. “That was… surprisingly non-construct-like of them.” She frowned. “They must be going to tell whoever’s in charge of them that we’re here. Let’s get to the castle, and fast.”

* * *

“I still think we are wasting our time here. We should be hunting down the fake god or the colts,” Just Duty said, watching the various suits go about whatever they were up to. “We can force them to find a way for us to continue to exist beyond this alleged fake realm.”

Holdfast was comparing several bottles of fine wine, retrieved from the mansions of nobles ousted from their homes. “The false god will still be there once we’ve finished,” he said without looking away from the label of a well aged red wine. “For now, we need to cement our strength in the world we’re standing in. There’s nothing to be gained from rushing after a pointless battle.”

“With pointless beings in a pointless town and kingdom all a part of a pointless world in the pointless game of a few ponies and the fake god,” Just Duty growled as he glared at the castle. Without hesitation, he reached out and snatched the bottle from Holdfast before guzzling most of it and spilling the rest, leaving him glaring at the now empty bottle.

“What a blasphemous act for a paladin,” Holdfast mused, watching Just Duty. “Guzzling wine like a common criminal, let alone even tasting it to begin with.”

“I have always wondered what alcohol tastes like. And besides, if I’m as fake as you and Bael and everypony else insists I am, what does it matter if I uphold proper Paladin traits or not?” he replied, tossing the bottle away before wiping his face. “I could be anything; a criminal or even a god in my own right. You just change the stories you tell about my past. Maybe we could trade this fake wine for real lives.” He laughed bitterly before chugging another bottle and throwing its empty husk away.

Holdfast smirked. “And to think, last time we were in this city, you lectured me on being virtuous.” He took the remaining bottle and passed it to a suit of armor, which took it and carried it away to be placed with the rest of the spoilers. “Well, with those two bottles, you now owe Lord Bronze Bit over five-thousand false bits.”

“As if the bit-grubbing fool needs anymore,” Just Duty said with a sigh before turning to face Holdfast. “Why are we here sieging the capital when we could be following up on finishing off the false god and that group of colts and mares? Surely they represent the greatest threat and source of lies?”

“Because this will hurt them,” Holdfast said simply. “Perhaps you weren’t watching them when last we were here. Those nine have an affection for the queen.” He tapped his cracked hoof against the ground. “I intend to make them suffer. He-” He paused, forcing a smile. “They need to appreciate how real this ‘fake’ world is. Then… Well, we shall see where this goes from there.”

* * *

The three mares looked up at the castle walls from the ditch they’d been sneaking through. “You’re sure this will get us into the castle, darling?” Rarity asked, looking away from the castle to the entrance they’d gotten to.

“Amber asked me to look into some of the information about the catacombs and see if anything else interesting was in there. I kind of remember a map?” Twilight explained with a lame smile.

“Well, if this does come across the path Pinkie, Amber and-” Rainbow paused before finishing her sentence. “Light Patch took to find the thing to heal Purple Heart...” She tried to keep a smile from crossing her face as she remembered everything that’d happened to Light Patch.

“You mean after he got hit by that massive pony in the Coliseum?” Twilight inquired.

“Yeah,” the blue pegasus agreed. “Light Patch sure was popular among the slimes down there. But yeah, if this crosses that path, then I should be able to get us back to the castle,” Rainbow Dash finished.

“So, you know of a way to get into the castle?” Rarity asked Twilight. “In case we don’t find the path Rainbow Dash took with the others?”

The purple alicorn nodded. “It’s secret and unused and possibly structurally unsound,” she replied, “but I’d rather we didn’t get all tangled up in the sieging army.”

“Indeed,” Rarity agreed.

“What’s the entrance supposed to look like?” Rainbow asked from her vantage point above the other two mares.

“The doorway is hidden,” Twilight answered, her eyes scanning the rough stone of the castle’s bricks. “The ‘handle’ is behind a brick.”

Rarity blinked critically at the base of the tower. “That’s rather specific,” she sniffed.

“This particular brick is at eye level and faces directly east,” Twilight said, glaring at Rarity over her sarcasm.

“Right, I got it,” Rainbow Dash said before finding the right row of bricks and quickly began checking every single one. “It wouldn’t happen to be marked with something specific, would it?”

Twilight shook her head, still searching.“The pony who built this wanted the entrance to be truly secret,” she answered. “So the directions were purposefully vague.”

“I’ll say,” Rarity commented. “Eye-level and facing east isn’t much to go on. Especially if the pony who commissioned the entrance was of a different height compared to us.”

“Crazy idea,” Rainbow Dash said, running a hoof along the bricks. “Maybe we could just make our own door with a small controlled and totally awesome lightning bolt?” She leaned against the wall. “Just sayin’. It’d make it a lot easie-” With mechanical woosh, the wall behind her slid away, leaving her to blink in surprise and, a moment later, fall backwards. “Never mind!”

“That’s one way to do it,” Rarity mused.

“You okay in there, Rainbow?” Twilight asked looking through the door. “See any traps or anything?”

“Nope, it’s just a room with a door at the other end,” the pegasus replied from inside.

“Right. Come on, Rarity. Let’s get in before we get spotted and close it up behind us.” Twilight said, motioning for Rarity to follow her. The pair walked through the opening into the darkness.

“Is it too early to ask for a light?” Rainbow Dash asked, “what with the door still being open?”

“We need to see the latch that shuts the door,” Twilight mused. Seconds later, a small ball of light appeared, illuminating the antechamber and the corridor beyond. “There, that should shut the door.” She gestured at a lever just inside the door and Rarity promptly pulled the latch, which in turn shut the door.

“How far do we have to walk before we reach the main part of the castle?” Rainbow Dash asked as they made their way into the corridor.

“Not long,” Twilight replied. “We should reach a cellar pretty quickly.”

“Then we’ll have to find Amber Glitter, get her out of the castle through the entrance, out of the city, and back to Roads Crossed,” Rainbow Dash said. “No problem.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that, dear,” Rarity warned. “The situation here may be worse than we first thought.”

“How can it be worse?” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “The city is under attack, only the castle remains, and it’s highly likely that the citizens are probably hiding in the now besieged castle. What could be worse?”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Maybe we shouldn’t answer that out loud. Given how things have gone so far, that might cause us more trouble.”

“Sounds like you’ve learned something from the Colts after all,” Rainbow Dash said with a smirk.

The purple alicorn frowned. “It’s not like they’re going to show up and make this worse.” She paused after a few seconds of silence and looked around nervously. “Are they here?”

“Relax, darling.” Rarity patted Twilight on the head. “I’m sure they are having their own troubles right about now. Speaking of troubles,” she frowned, “we still need to figure out how to get Princess Amber out of here. I doubt those suits of armor will just let us go without a fight.”

Twilight came to a stop. “Wait a minute… Do you two remember that story Wits End keeps going on about? Foalmetal Al-” The look of exasperation on the two mare’s faces was all the answer she needed. “Yeah, every time we’re walking somewhere, we must talk about the Colts. Anyway there’s this character he was talking about named Alprance Elquine. Wits said Alprance was an empty suit of armor with a soul bonded to it.”

“So?” Rainbow Dash prompted.

“So, the villains were created to challenge the Colts. And Holdfast was the one who had those two suits of armor back in Ade.” Twilight came to a stop, holding her chin with one hoof. “So we can assume Holdfast is the originator of the suits and take into account Wits’ obsession with Foalmetal Alchemist… What if there’s more in common between the Colts and villains than just some of their particular brand of crazy?”

Rarity frowned. “What do you mean?”

“It seems unlikely that Holdfast would just happen to have lackeys that match a main character from Wits End’s favorite story,” Twilight continued. She hesitated in thought before deciding on a course of action “I’m gonna call them. I have a theory.”

“So you forgive them then?” Rainbow Dash asked. She flinched away at the glare she got in return. “Guess not…”

“If any more of those suits show up, let me know.” Twilight closed her eyes, reaching out to the three colts. “Quick question, and don’t mess around right now.”

“Quick answer” the colts replied.

“Not. The. TIME!” Twilight growled back. “Wits? First thing you think of when I say ‘animated suit of armor with no-pony inside’. Go.”

“Alphonse Elric.” Wits End’s response was immediate. “Woah, it’s weird not to have that ponified. Anyway, that’s the Alprance guy I was tell you abo-”

“Yeah, great. Just wanted to confirm I was on the right track.” Twilight turned her mental attention to all three colts. “The three villains, Bael, Just Duty, and Holdfast. Do they remind you of anything from your world? Or anypony?”

“Well, if I gotta be honest I- STALACTITE!” Silence reigned through the link for a few confused seconds after Light Patch’s outburst. “What did I tell you about getting so close to the ceiling! Vine-swing lower, you over ripe barnacle! Sorry about that. Pro Tip: never take the highroad in the caverns.” Light Patch mentally cleared his throat. “Anyway, if I’ve gotta be honest, I can’t think of a whole lot. Story wise, he makes me think of Handsome Jack with the whole ‘fallen hero’ arc, but...that fight we had with him back when Discord had just had his power stolen, it reminded me of a couple of videos by Extra Credits about the differences between mechanics villains and narrative villains,” Light Patch finished with a mental shrug.

“Huh,” Twilight hummed. “What about you, Purple Heart? Anypony Bael remind you of?”

“Um...” He was silent for a moment. “I’d say his appearance reminds me most of Cherubael from the Eisenhorn Omnibus. Similar basic color scheme and the like. In terms of power, Whitebeard is a good analogy. Classified as ‘the Strongest Man in the World,’ he could give a power-juiced Tirek a run for his money. He’s definitely got the smarts and cruelty to be Don Quixote Doflamingo, minus the excessive grinning, ruler of a country, kinkiller, and feather-wearing aficionado. So yeah: a daemonhost, a Yonko, and a Shichibukai. One part Grim Dark, two parts One Piece. KAIZOKU-O NI ORE WA NARU!!!” He fell silent for several seconds before speaking again. “Ow! My head! Note to self, do NOT disturb Fluttershy while she’s with animals. Particularly ones that are napping.”

Twilight considered asking for elaboration, but decided that in the interest of time, she would not. “Guess that leaves you, Wits. Knowing you, I’m sure you’ve got plenty of options on the matter.”

“You know me so well. I mean, he is basically the ‘Evil Chancellor’ trope incarnate, but off the top of my head I’d say… Hmm. Jafar is probably too easy a target, as are most of the Disney villains. A little Father, a dash of Palpatine, and a healthy dose of The Master, I’d say. He’s got the whole secret plot thing going on, but honestly, I think if it came down to it-” He went silent for a moment, a quiet ringing like a dial tone in his place. “Sorry about that. Babysitting an elder god is harder than it sounds. If it came down to it, I’ve no doubt he’d take matters into his own hooves.” Wits paused a second. “Why do you ask? Are you at Gallopilli yet?”

“Yes. The city is under attack. It looks like there’s more of those suits of armor Holdfast had with him. A lot more.”

“That’s not good. You gotta find Amber, and fast. If Holdfast is going after the capital, he’s gonna want two things: the throne under his rear, and the Queen’s head on a platter.”

“Or possibly onna pike on the castle walls to show what happens to those who fight him, like good old Vlad. Good luck and Godspeed.” Light Patch chimed in.

“Stay safe and watch out for Shou Tucker,” Purple Heart warned. “If you see a chimera, run in the other direction.”

Twilight sighed. “Thanks. Good luck with your… stalactites and animals and elder gods.” She closed the connection and turned back to Rarity and Rainbow Dash. “Based on what those three said, I think it’s very likely that the villains have some of the knowledge the Colts have. At least at some level.”

“Great,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “So, now what?”

“Now we go save Amber Glitter before anything else goes wrong.” Twilight started off at a trot down the corridor. “We’ve spent enough time on this already.”

“I’ve checked through a couple of the rooms while you were busy and the good news is it doesn’t look like those armors know of this potential way into the castle. We should be clear, well, beyond whatever monsters lurk in the catacombs that is.” Rarity said trotting back into the room.

“Right. Well, standing around talking isn’t gonna get us closer to saving Amber, so let's go.” Rainbow said, starting to trot away.

“We should be getting closer to the castle proper,” Twilight said. “The next door will lead into one of the storage cellars.”

“Do you think anypony will be in there?” Rarity inquired.

“Probably not,” the purple alicorn replied. “If anything, we might run into some civilians who are hiding, but that’s all. The soldiers and Amber Glitter will be up near the gates and windows to defend.”

“Most likely the gates,” Rainbow commented. “Arrows do nothing against the suits. I should know.”

Rarity put her hoof on the door to push it open but froze and suddenly put her ear to the door. “Oh dear. It appears the armors may have been not as clueless to the catacombs as we’d thought. I hear something clanking around on the other side.”

“Right. Get ready, girls, I’ll go first. If there are a lot of armors, we’ll have to fall back and either find another way into the castle or another way through the catacombs.” Twilight put her hoof on the door, ready to push it open. She glanced at Rarity and Rainbow Dash, nodding to each of them in readiness. After a return nod from both, Twilight shoved the door and bolted through to see a small group of the armors skirmishing with a larger group of militia ponies.”Cone of Cold!”

The armored pony-forms turned just in time to catch a helmetful of frozen magic, forming ice in the joints of their armor. One tried to raise a crossbow, only to find its range of motion seriously hampered by ice. “Let me help ya out!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “Elemental Infusion: Ice!” Her arrow glowed light blue as it flew forward, striking the armor and encasing it in solid ice.

“I do believe this little warehouse could use some reorganizing,” Rarity declared, using her magic to destabilize a stack of boxes and causing them to fall on the final armors. “There. That looks much better, no?” she asked, walking over to the militia ponies.

“Thanks for your help. We were hoping we’d get in here before they’d found a way in,” one of them said, stepping forward. “My name is Shureshod. I’m temporarily leading this little group of ponies. We were hoping to board up any ways out. I’m pretty quick with a hammer, you know.”

“I remember! I watched you reshod one of my friends!” Rainbow Dash realized, looking at the mare.

“I thought you looked familiar. How’s your friend and how’re his shoes holding up?” Shureshod asked.

“Now isn’t quite the time for this,” Twilight said. She was about to continue but got cut off by the blacksmith mare.

“Oh right! I should do the job I was sent here to do, huh? Just a minute and I’ll have this door all boarded up!” Shureshod said. She hefted a sledge hammer and set about gathering up scrap wood. Twilight and Rarity watched in amazement as the mare proceeded to reinforce and board up the door they’d entered through in a minute flat. “Well, I guess we’ll lead you three back up to the castle now. I ran outta nails anyway.”

“Thank you,” Twilight said gratefully. “Do you know if somepony could lead us to where Queen Amber Glitter is?”

“Once we get to the entrance hall you can speak to her yourself,” Shureshod replied. “She’s helping with the injured ponies as well as coordinating the defenses of the castle.”

“Seems like she doesn’t care about getting dirty,” Rainbow Dash mused. “Wonder what brought that on.”

“I heard that she’s hoping the Purple Barbarian will come back,” Shureshod whispered conspiratorially. “Rumor has it that they had a falling out and he left for some reason. Most think he didn’t like her high and mighty behavior.”

“Really,” Rarity sniffed, sharing a look with Twilight and Rainbow Dash. “What do you think?”

“It’s just a hunch,” Shureshod whispered, “but I think that the Purple Barbarian left because he can’t commit to such a relationship.” Once more, the three mares shared a look. The blacksmith didn’t know how right she was.

“Here we are,” Shureshod declared, pushing open the door to the entrance hall.

The door opened onto a familiar sight. A familiar hall once lined with silk and carpeted with fine rugs; now lined with torn tapestries and dirtied with brown and red splatters. Tired guards and worried-looking peasants sat in scattered groups. One corner of the hall was dedicated to taking care of the injured. Amongst the ponies walking about applying bandages and healing injuries was Amber Glitter. Her mane was put up into a bob to keep it out of her face as she worked and her clothes were simple, like those of her subjects.

“I’ll leave you to your own doings,” Shureshod said. “I need to outfit some more volunteers.” With that, she trotted away, leaving the three mares to themselves.

“How much are you betting that she’ll want to stay here instead of running?” Rainbow Dash asked. The pegasus’ question was met with uncomfortable silence as they made their way through the sitting ponies towards the Queen.

“Amber?” Twilight said, tapping the monarch on the shoulder. The unicorn turned to them. Her tired eyes widened in surprise and then teared up with happiness.

“You’re here!” she cried, embracing a startled Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity stared in surprise at the queen’s reaction to their presence.

“Amber, we need to get you out of here,” Twilight urged.

Instantly, Amber’s joy and tears ceased. She pulled away, frowning at Twilight. The three mares blinked at the sudden change in Amber’s demeanor.

“What?” she asked, her voice sharp, “did you say?”

Twilight gulped. She felt like she had just done something wrong in front of Celestia. “We need to get you out of here.”

“We’re preparing defenses at Roads Crossed,” Rainbow put in. “We can make a stand there.”

“Who will lead them?” Rarity tried.

Amber looked at them, her eyes narrowed. “No. I can’t leave my subjects.”

“I don’t mean to be crass, but why?” Twilight asked. They’re only NPCs.

“Do you know why Gallopilli is under siege?” Amber asked.

“Because it’s a final sanctuary against evil?” Rainbow Dash said.

Amber shook her head. “Because Holdfast has a grudge and he wants the throne. If I leave, he gets the throne.”

“But if you stay, you’ll surely die,” Rarity pointed out.

“Then I shall die taking as many of his constructs with me!” Amber Glitter declared. She stood tall, looking every inch the queen she was despite her ragged wear. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have ponies to heal and business to attend to.” She turned, leaving the three mares staring at her as she strode away. After a few moments, Rarity glared at Rainbow Dash.

“Now it’s worse.”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 82: They Come in Waves and We Push Them Back!

Silk Trap looked at the various forces standing with hers at this last, hastily built wall. There was the odd surface dweller, such as a minotaur and a few gryphons; a small band of ponies even. Then she began to pick out the various underground races; easiest was the bats, or Lenshier, as they preferred, standing almost as tall as a minotaur along with their great big ears.

She spotted one of the many Hogz: no more a cavern race than a surface. It just so happened that their migratory nature brought them to her and, more importantly to them, the next great fight. The trolls were the bulkiest of them all, but clumsy as well and tried to stay back and throw rocks from afar.

She could see many other species represented but her eyes kept catching on the white and pale blue lizards that looked like ghosts. Not the least of which because of their faint glow, the Phantarx they said they were called. They’d come from the deep caverns the same as the creatures they’d been fighting to hold back. She still didn’t trust the quiet lizards, but they had been instrumental to holding out this long; their coloring and looks allowing for them to scout the enemy easily, and in combat they fought in perfect synchronicity with anything by their side.

Still, with all of the alliances, the most numerous of the forces were her own. Her eyes traveled over the hundreds of Arachcolsid. A kingdom's worth of them, they had borne the brunt of the fighting and, of course, the casualties, she thought sadly, looking towards the medical tents. Her gaze wandered again over the hastily built barricade towards the ruins of the original wall. It had taken almost a week for it to fall, the less built one behind it fell a few days earlier. If the pattern continues, then today we lose these barricades, she thought grimly.

She didn’t have long to dwell on that as a chorus of Lenshier voices filled the caverns, warning of the next wave. She grabbed her sabers and rushed to take her place on the barricade just in time to see the next wave coming to crash against her shores. As usual, they were too numerous to count. At best she could amuse herself by guessing if the wave was smaller or larger than the last ones. Still, she thought, her grip on the sabers tightening and relaxing. They shall come in waves, and we shall beat them back!

She watched as the various beings from the deep caverns closed the distance, and how the moment they passed the remains of the walls they instantly started to sprint. On the way, their warriors would begin a war cry the moment the remains of the second barricade were passed. The defender’s war cries answered back as the first volleys of arrows and rocks flew out to meet them. Barely a minute after that she was once again locked in battle.

By her count, she was likely one of the most battle hardened queens her people had ever seen; possibly even in the whole world she suspected. She hadn’t been there to help defend the first wall before it fell. She was there for every battle since. It wouldn’t be many more battles, she figured as she cut down a large slug-like being that had tried to bite her in half. Either the monsters’ numbers would run thin, or hers would. Or the barricade would fail, she mentally added as she heard it take a heavy hit. Her kingdom would be weak at the end of this. She dragged her thoughts away from that. I must focus on making sure there is a kingdom after this. Then I can worry about the condition it will be in and how to fix it.

Time blurred as she entered a martial trance, as many battle hardened guards called it when they didn’t know the queen was listening in from the shadows of the ceilings. Her mandibles clicked in humor as she found herself pondering how royals manage without the ability to crawl along walls and ceilings to listen to the rumors floating through their castles. She pondered the various applications of being able to crawl along walls and ceilings. To be able to stealthily listen to the gossip in-person, she found, generally provided much more reliable information. It also allowed her to find the guards who were “on the ball” as the ponies would say, or find the guards-

She could feel the battle building to its peak. Her army was tiring, as was the enemy’s, but not nearly as fast. And judging by how hard they are pushing, they know that too, she thought as she chopped another of the monsters before her. All this battle has shown is that if I hadn’t opposed these monsters, they might have had the strength to not be beaten by the surface kingdoms. But now my actions have assured that they won’t have the strength to win, even though they’ll still try once they’ve finished breaking my kingdom. When the kingdom's push these monsters back, their retribution will be swift and they’ll be unlikely to differentiate between the two layers of the caverns. I have failed everyone.

She gasped, but whether it was because of how quick the thought came or how much she felt it to ring true. I’ve led my people and the allies who chose to stand beside me astray. I’ve led them to their doom. If only there was a hero to save my people... She was snapped from her thoughts as the enemies in front of her suddenly disappeared with keening wails of pain and surprise. As the surprise wore off, she leaned forward to look at the glob of quietly sizzling goo that had removed her attackers. She gasped as she recognized it for what it was; it was another who called out the warning moments before she could.

“Crypt Pendulum!” a voice cried out in warning as the monster itself appeared through the darkness of the cavern above them. The creature sprayed its acid along the wall before swinging itself through the massed creatures. She noticed its horrid state: most of its skin was paler than normal, bloated in some places and caved in elsewhere, large wounds covered its body, and bone and muscle peered through the areas of missing skin. If she wasn’t seeing the obvious counter proof, she’d have thought it was dead.

“Hold your ground! If the Crypt Pendulum is content to go after our enemies, then let it!” she shouted, seeing an opportunity for her forces to rest some. “With any luck, it’ll force them to retr-”

Again she was cut off, as a warrior clad in gold charged past her, throwing itself off the barricade to land before the stunned enemy. It managed to cut down two before the rest gathered their wits and destroyed the warrior. Silk Trap couldn’t tell if she was more surprised about the skeleton, or if her enemy was. Her vision was filled with flashes and blurs of gold and the thunderous roar of a charging army assaulted her hearing. She blinked her eyes, expecting the skeletal army to disappear as if it was sweat in her eyes. She could barely hear the Arachcolsid beside her over the sounds of the skeleton army grinding through the deep cavern invaders along side the sounds of the crypt pendulum. She felt a leg gently pushing her, trying to make her turn.

Finally, she turned to find herself face to face with an Arachcolsid in the same armor as the skeletons. She spotted the form of a pony and, for a second, thought it was Light Patch, but her mind quickly registered the orange coat. “Your majesty, are you okay?” the one closest to her asked, concern showing on his face.

“I am,” Silk Trap answered succinctly, afraid that a longer answer would expose the true answer.

“The information you provided proved to be useful, your majesty. The expedition was successful, as I’m sure you’ve noticed,” Orb said, a grin on his mandibles.

“Yes, I see that, though the skeletons are a surprise,” the queen admitted, turning to look at the two armies fighting each other. “I thought the artifact was supposed to be mind control.”

“That artifact had already been found and subsequently destroyed by Light Patch and Just Duty. There was a necromancy artifact deeper in that we recovered, with some assistance of two pony adventurers,” Orb said, giving a nod towards Applejack.

“You have my thanks,” Silk Trap paused.

“Name’s Applejack, your majesty, an’ I’ve heard a fair amount ‘bout you from Light Patch,” the farm pony replied.

“You know of Light Patch? Is he adventuring with y-” Silk Trap was cut off by a gurgling roar from the Crypt Pendulum as it slammed into the ground next to the wall. The queen snapped around, ready to cut the beast down, only to see the grey pegasus stepping off the beast. With a second gurgle, it swung itself through a cluster of enemies.

“You rang?” Light Patch asked smugly as he adjusted his leggings like they had suit cuff collars. Before he could say anything further, Applejack lightly smacked him upside the head.

“Ya’ll’re lucky ya didn’t scare anypony to death with that entrance,” she said, glaring at the pegasus.

“Never mind about my question. I can see it’s already been answered,” Silk Trap said diplomatically to retake control of the conversation. “I see you found an artifact, and also an army, but how did you manage to get them to work for you?”

“Well as it turned out, ya majesty, we have a part-necromancer with us.” Applejack replied as she gave Light Patch a couple of pokes.

“Necrobotanist, but yeah, I was able to get the artifact to give my orders to the army. Including adding handy new recruits,” Light Patch continued poking the gem crudely set into his helmet. A wailing cry from the deep caverns’ army stopped him from explaining further.

“Their retreat cry. It would appear the enemy's’ morale is gone,” the queen said, looking over the battlefield at the now retreating army.

“Heh, look at them run…” Light Patch said half heartedly before sighing and looking back at the queen. “I know this is a really bad time, but... I’d like to request your support in a war on the surface.” Silk Trap turned to face him her face showing her surprise. “Roania has come under siege by three villains that two friends of mine and I are tangentially responsible for creating.”

“If that is the case, why not just take the army you possess now?” Silk Trap questioned.

“The undead army is animated and you don’t have to puppeteer them. For them to fight effectively, they still need orders to do anything more complex. Situations where I can mass them up as a big blob of deathly undeath, they are easy to manage. But if I have to use them tactically, it becomes enough micromanaging that I have to spend all of the time focusing on them and can’t do things myself. That's why I wanna give this army to you in exchange for you sending another army,” Light Patch finished with a bow.

The queen thoughtfully observed Light Patch for a few minutes before she turned to the Ararcholsid group in the gold armor. “Please tell me the name of the Arachcolsid who saved my kingdom.” Silk Trap asked looking at Orb.

“Orb, your majesty,” he replied with a bow.

“Thank you for your service, Orb,” she said, inclining her head in gratitude. “It has saved many lives, brought the caverns closer to unification,” she said, waving towards the gathering army, “showed me more acquaintances,” the queen said with a nod to Applejack, “and brought my other hero back to me,” she said, stopping in front of Light Patch. Before the pegasus could say anything, the queen quickly leaned in, stealing a kiss. She pulled away and, with a smirk, turned to leave. “I have many of things to attend, but rest assured, you will have the support of our forces, as lead by Captain Orb.”

The group looked in surprise between the departing queen and the stunned pegasus. Applejack poked the pegasus a couple of times. “Y’all okay there, Patchy?”

“I kissed a spider, and I actually kind of liked it,” he quietly sung before turning to look at the rest of the group. “I, uh, I think I’m gonna go over that way and see if Smithing Westi has finished my hammer,” Light Patch said, pointing towards the makeshift forge area he’d spotted, departing before any of the others could argue.

Applejack rushed to catch up with the pegasus as Orb and his group followed the queen. The two quickly covered the distance to the forge area and easily picked Smithing Westi out in the group of smiths. The smith smirked as she saw them get closer.

“The queen seems really fond of you, adventurer,” the female minotaur said with a chuckle once the two ponies were close enough.

“Do you have my hammer fixed yet or not?” Light Patch grumpily replied, ignoring the blush in his cheeks as he glared at Smithing Westi.

She grinned knowingly in return, but turned around and led the two to her area of the forge and pulled out a wrapped up package. She carefully unwrapped the package and handed it over to the grey pegasus. “Here is your new and improved warhammer. I reforged the whole thing out of adamantium. Head, handle and all. Well, adamantium-based alloy. It’s got some other metals to make it flexible. Just enough to not snap easily, and some to add in a little more flare and make some bits more flashy. A little gold and black bronze inlays along the head.”

“Oooh, black bronze,” Light Patch coo’d, examining the intricate work on the head of the hammer.

“Something told me you’d enjoy that. I’ve also had it enchanted: it’s lighter, swings truer, and has a little extra knock-around for whatever it does hit. I’d love to see you try and break this one,” she finished, crossing her arms.

Light Patch continued to examine the hammer for a few seconds before holstering it in his gear as normal as he looked up at the minotaur with a smirk on his face. “Challenge accepted.”

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 83: Gotta Go Fast

“Do you think the Legionnaires will make it to Roads Crossed safely?” Fluttershy asked as she followed Purple Heart towards the town of Mistakwe. When Purple Heart had presented himself to the surviving Legionnaires still inside the Emerald Legion’s home base, he’d been met with mixed emotions. Some were overjoyed at his survival. Most were displeased at his lack of support for them during their time of need. There were even several who had become outright hostile their Primarch upon seeing him, much like Tray Tore had. All of them however listened to his explanation and accepted his apology for not returning to them.

Then came the decision: would they still follow Purple Heart?

The answer was mixed, just as their reactions and emotions were when they met him. A fair number, most of them wounded, refused his offer and elected to stay as far away from the conflict between Purple Heart and Bael as was physically possible. Of the sixty ponies still alive after Bael’s coup, only fifteen agreed to follow Purple Heart. Tray Tore was not among them.

However, when they’d set out for Mistakwe to find the Hare Clans, Tray Tore had told them that there were still pockets of Legionnaires around the countryside who might still follow Purple Heart’s command. The previous fifteen ponies they had gathered in the main base had grown to encompass nearly three hundred after they’d found other groups of Legionnaires. Some had refused to follow Purple Heart and others had even attacked them. Despite the hostility Purple Heart had been met with, a significant number of Legionnaires were still loyal to him

“The only Legionnaires who stayed and wanted to join me are ones that weren’t injured and were eager to fight to avenge their comrades,” Purple Heart responded, eyeing the surrounding foliage critically. “They’ll move quickly without being weighed down by injured ponies and they want to follow me in the first place. They’ll get there.” They were travelling away from a recent battleground where they’d failed to convince the Legionnaires to join them. Lately, they’d been met with failure after failure to convince more Legionnaires to join them. Purple Heart suspected why, but kept the knowledge to himself for the moment.

“Are you ever going to apologize for shouting at the birds?” Fluttershy asked, eyeing the purple earth pony critically.

“I did apologize!” he grumbled. “I even translated for you!”

“‘I’m going to be King of the Pirates’?” the yellow pegasus recalled. “You could have at least helped them back into their tree.”

Earlier in the day, just a short time after Purple Heart had ordered the third group of combat ready Legionnaires to amass at Roads Crossed, Twilight had called Telepathy Collect to grill the colts about their respective Villains. During his explanation about Bael, Purple Heart had unwittingly shouted while Fluttershy had been attending to a nest of birds that had been dislodged from their tree. It was after Fluttershy had rapped Purple Heart soundly on the head did he resolve to never shout or surprise any animal, big or small, in the kind pegasus’ presence.

“Does it look like I can fly?” Purple Heart groused. His yellow companion turned her head and arched an eyebrow at him.

“It wouldn’t have hurt to try,” she said primly. She continued walking, leaving a gaping Purple Heart behind her.

I’m being emotionally abused by a pegasus one fifth my mass, he thought. Why am I not stopping her?

Sighing in resignation, he resumed walking, his longer strides allowing him to catch up with Fluttershy quickly. Once he’d drawn abreast with her, his pace slowed to match the mare’s.

“So,” he said, wanting to plan a bit, “there’s one last pocket of Legionnaires that are on the fence about me. I think we should hit them up and see what they think before making our way towards Mistakwe. I think the Hare Clans owe me a favor.”

“How?” Fluttershy asked, her tone back to its usual softness. She looked at him, eyes bright with curiosity.

“I prevented a battle from taking place,” Purple Heart replied, puffing his chest out. “Really proud of that.”

“How?” Fluttershy repeated. He stifled a grimace.

“By appealing to their better nature?” the purple earth pony tried. Fluttershy glared at him. With a sigh, Purple Heart relented. “Okay, fine. I suggested that Mistakwe allow the Hares to build an embassy within its walls so that the Hares could keep returning for the Bunnglen and Mistakwe could keep existing.” Her continued gaze upon him gave him the impression that she knew he wasn’t telling everything. “I may have also threatened them a bit.”

“WHAT?!”

Fluttershy’s resounding shriek of surprise and horror upset a significant number of peaceful, undisturbed wildlife into scattering.

“Damn,” Purple Heart swore. “Probably shouldn’t have said that. How do I get out of this situation...”

“Explain!” Fluttershy hissed, looking remarkably furious at the purple earth pony’s words and prior actions. She darted over to him and brought herself nose to nose with the large stallion. Jerking back to maintain a safe distance from the irate mare, Purple Heart sighed once more in resignation, cutting his eyes away to break contact with Fluttershy’s questioning yet rage-filled gaze.

“Is it possible that we just forget this and move along?” he pleaded.

“No.”

“This is not the colt you’re looking for.” He waved a hoof under her nose.

“Explain.”

“Move along.” He waved again.

“PURPLE HEART!”

“Okay! Fine! I’ll tell!” He paused, remaining silent in hopes that she’d let him off the hook.

“...I’m waiting,” she snapped
“Do you know the Muffin Colt?”

“Explain or I will drop Totoro on you.” Fluttershy’s voice was dark and cold.

Purple Heart squeaked and nodded swiftly, knowing his death when he saw and heard it. He inhaled to calm his nerves.

“Understand,” Purple Heart urged, “carrying out my threat was my last course of action. I wanted them to make peace and yet they were stubborn. Only after I mentioned the deaths of their collective young and threatened to demolish their communities did they listen. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. It’s over with. Let’s move on.” He waited for Fluttershy’s response, looking cautiously at the yellow pegasus.

“I’m not happy that you threatened them,” she said finally. “But I’m satisfied that it didn’t come to violence. Don’t do it again.”

“Aye, ma’am,” he said promptly, saluting the pegasus.

As she turned to resume moving along the path, air whooshed out of Purple Heart in an exhale of relief. He hadn’t realized how badly a disappointed Fluttershy could make him feel.

“Never disappoint ‘Shy again,” he declared softly to himself. “Ever.”

“Come on,” Fluttershy called from ahead. “I think we’re coming up to the last group of Legionnaires.” Shaking himself to relieve the last tremors of shame inflicted by the yellow pegasus, Purple Heart broke out into a swift trot to catch up with the mare.

“One last group and then on to Mistakwe to charm some Hares,” he said, drawing abreast once again. “I think this recruiting spree has gone pretty well. Of course, now that I’ve said that, it’ll come back to punch us in the teeth.”

“You, Wits, and Light Patch aren’t the most positive of colts,” Fluttershy noted.

“We just know when we manage to shoot ourselves in the foot,” he replied nonchalantly, seeing her frown out of the corner of his eye. Carp. What did I say to piss her off now?

“‘Shoot ourselves in the foot’?” she echoed. “A turn of phrase from being human?”

“Oh, yeah,” Purple Heart confirmed, sighing mentally in relief.

“What does it mean?”

“There’s a whole background behind that phrase and we’ll be at the spot by the time I even start explaining.”

“Then make it simpler,” she suggested.

“Roight,” he sighed. “Shooting one’s self in the foot is akin to-”

“Making a mistake that comes back to hurt you in the end,” a smug voice interrupted. The pair of ponies froze as they entered the small clearing where the final group of Legionnaires were supposed to be. The Legionnaires were there alright.

Bael was there too.

“ACK! NOPE! ABSCOND! FLEE WE MUST!” Purple Heart immediately grabbed Fluttershy and tried to run away from Bael and his minions as quickly as possible.

Key word being ‘tried’.

“Aww,” Bael groaned petulantly, appearing directly in front of the fleeing Purple Heart and highly surprised and confused Fluttershy. “Leaving already?”

“I really, really, really, want to leave,” Purple Heart begged, eyes darting feverishly around to find another avenue of escape.

“Well, that’s damn shame, isn’t it, lads?” Bael pouted, looking over Purple Heart’s shoulder at the Legionnaires arrayed around the other half of the clearing. Feeling as if the bipedal being was giving him a free pass, Purple Heart looked around and gaped at the number of Legionnaires Bael had gathered under his banner. Purple Heart’s suspicions were confirmed: Bael had been gathering the Legionnaires that Purple Heart couldn’t and had also convinced some to join before the Purple Barbarian had even reached them. Fluttershy seemed to notice and understood this as well, judging from her expression of awe and realization.

“Sooooo,” Purple Heart hummed, drawing out the vowel, “what happens now? Do you monologue for five minutes before finally deciding to kill us?”

Bael chuckled, walking past Purple Heart back to the Legionnaires. He ruffled the purple earth pony’s mane as he passed. “Kill you?” he chortled. “Nah. It’s too early for that. You aren’t at your peak right now and defeating you while you’re without the rest of your friends would be pointless.”

“Then why do this?” Fluttershy asked, finally plucking up the courage to speak to the powerful villain.

Bael pondered the question, tapping a finger to his chin. “Because I have to,” he said finally. “The fallen god being gave me an order to follow when I was created. Unfortunately, even with his forced abdication, I can’t ignore that last command. So, I have to carry it out by making your task as difficult as possible. Hence the Legionnaires on my side and not yours.”

“So your purpose is to be a pain in my hind end for the entire adventure?”

“Jah.”

“...You’re succeeding.”

“Aren’t I just?”

“Now what?”

“Now we leave.”

“...Wat? You’re serious?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re not ready to fight me yet and killing you know would be very unsatisfying for me.”

“...Oh. Thanks?”

“Don’t thank me yet,” Bael warned, signalling to his Legionnaires to depart. “We’re not even at the home stretch, daddy dearest. Things are just about to get fun. Enjoy your Real Time Strategy. I’ll see you at the citadel” He turned and left, leaving a surprised and an extremely concerned Fluttershy.

“What now?” she asked weakly, still shivering from the close encounter with one of the strongest beings around at the moment.

“I think we should make all haste to Mistakwe,” Purple Heart decided. “We’re going to need all the help we can get.”

* * *

Bael felt particularly pleased with himself. He’d removed assets from his enemy’s grasp, bolstered his own force of soldiers, and properly terrified his adversary all in the same five minutes. Not a bad day at all.

“Lord Bael,” one of the Legionnaires addressed him as the battalion followed Bael through the forest underbrush, “why leave the Pretender alive? He usurped your rightful place as Master of the Daemon Ponies! Shouldn’t he be punished for such insolence?!”

Bael arched an eyebrow at the stallion beside him. A red pegasus with a flamboyant tail and mane that was colored a strange mix of iron grey and green strode along beside Bael. His green eyes were bright with rage and displeasure at Purple Heart’s continued existence.

“Your name was Wren, right?” Bael asked, his tone bored. The red pegasus nodded, either ignoring his superior’s tone or simply not recognizing it.

“It is, Lord Bael,” the pegasus confirmed. “Wren Hayer is my name.”

“Huh,” Bael grunted, looking away from the apparently hot-blooded colt. “Well, Egg Layer-”

“Wren Hayer,” the pegasus corrected.

“Right, that’s what I said.” Bael rolled his shoulders and raised his hands in front of him as if he was holding a large ball between them in front of his chest. “Now, I didn’t kill the Purple Barbarian because I didn’t have to. I’m not obligated to do so, for now. I’m just egging him along, making him grow so that the fight will be more satisfying. For me.”

Wren frowned in confusion at Bael, head cocked to one side. “You just want a good fight?” the pegasus asked.

“Of course!” Bael chortled. “Fighting a weak, insufferable layabout like yourself would be boring and a waste of my time! Keep talking and I’ll demonstrate, Hen Frayer.”

“It’s Wren Hayer!” the red pegasus corrected again.

“Nuance,” Bael waved a hand. “And shut up. I’m not going to tell you any more of my plans.”

“There’s more?” Wren inquired, not seeing his death coming at all.

“The nerve of these pests,” Bael grumbled, backhanding the pegasus away from him and into the sky. “Fly, Ben Drayer, if you want to live! You’ve got the wings for it!”

A response echoed back to Bael, which he ignored, electing instead to sigh in irritation and pick at his nose. “Now I understand why Garp does this,” he grumbled, continuing on his way with a battalion of very anxious Daemon-ponies behind him.

* * *

“Do you need a break, Purple Heart?” Fluttershy asked worriedly, watching as the large stallion galloped down the path at a solid clip. Purple Heart had been keeping this same pace for some time now ever since Bael had scared them soundly and left them to attend to his own business. And now, it finally looked like Purple Heart’s consistent running was starting to wear on him.

Gasping for breath, Purple Heart slowed to a more moderate canter. He was still moving quickly, but not full tilt as he had been previously. “I’ll take a nice long break when we get to Mistakwe,” he panted. “We’re racing against the clock right now and I don’t like how Bael managed to convince more Legionnaires to join him over me.”

“Didn’t you say that they were changed because of something Bael did?” Fluttershy asked.

“Well, yeah,” Purple Heart allowed as he sped up to a gallop. “But what Bael did was give them some of his power. Which, until Discord decided to get cute, had been my power.”

“When will you stop being mean to Discord?” the yellow pegasus asked worriedly. “He’s doing his best with what he has.” Purple Heart snorted.

“So?” he growled in response, slowing down once more. “If he hadn’t gone rooting around in our heads and giving the broadest kind of order to what are basically super villains, he wouldn’t have to be scrambling to protect you all.”
Fluttershy felt like she’d been frowning more often than smiling lately, due to interactions with the colts. “Are you blaming Discord again?” she asked stiffly, feeling understandably sick and tired of Purple Heart’s attitude.

“Little bit,” the purple earth pony admitted, returning to a faster pace. “But I don’t think ragging on him will help much.”

“It won’t,” Fluttershy mumbled darkly.

“The only reason why I’m truly pissed off at Discord is because he couldn’t leave well enough alone,” Purple Heart said. “I don’t mind that I was pulled from my world and brought into this one for fun, heck, the first part of the campaign was even enjoyable! But now… Now things have changed. All because Discord wanted to make things a bit more interesting. Welp, the Road to Hell is paved with questionable intentions.” During this little monologue, the purple stallion had slowed down, sped up, slowed down, and sped up. Fluttershy blinked at this. She couldn’t decide which to question: Purple Heart’s phrase regarding ‘hell’ or his alternating speed. She chose the latter.

“Why do you keep changing speed?” she asked, hovering above his shoulder.

“To keep a relative pace without wearing myself out too much,” was his reply. “Sharpe’s Rifles do it. Moving over long distances while retaining a speed can be exhausting. Less so when you alternate between jogging and walking.”

“Ah. Interesting.”

“It’s useful too,” he replied. “Now, I think we’re in the general vicinity of some Hares. Let’s see if we can recruit them to help save the queendom.”

“Give us one good reason why we should,” a gruff voice called from a set of bushes to their right. Fluttershy and Purple Heart immediately stopped their forward motion and blinked at the speaking bushes.

“Either I’m still paranoid about Bael sneaking up on us or there’s a Hetzer hiding in there,” Purple Heart whispered. Once again, Fluttershy got the feeling that she was missing out on some kind of inside joke that only humans understood.

“A hetzer?” she questioned out of curiosity.

“A German Tank Destroyer,” Purple Heart replied as he advanced slowly on the bushes. “Pretty solid little machine. Excellent camo rating and good armor sloping if you know how to angle correctly. Fantastic gun if you know how to use it. Also has a derp gun if you so choose. Terrifying little thing if you arm high explosive rounds and point at a tier three. Not so good against higher tiers though... I really miss my KV-1…”

“Ehm, Purple Heart? You’re rambling.”

“Huh… So I am.”

“Will you kindly shut up?” the talking bush growled.

“Shutting up,” Purple Heart replied promptly. “…Are you a fighting Hare of the Hare Clans?”

“What did I just say?”

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’ then,” Purple Heart said smartly.

“Are you going to shut up any time soon?”

“Oh, sure… Yeah, no. I guess the freaking out from ten minutes ago finally set in.”

“Is he always like this?” the bush asked, addressing Fluttershy.

“No,” the yellow pegasus replied, eyeing her companion worriedly. “We did have a bit of a shock a while ago. That was actually the first time I’ve seen him scared enough to start rambling.”

“Huh,” the bush grunted. “And I thought he was an impressive warrior that scared our leaders into signing a treaty with Mistakwe’s governing body.” Fluttershy whirled around to glare at the still rambling Purple Heart. He was muttering about elections and international opinion. Feeling that his panic had run its course, Fluttershy tapped Purple Heart on the shoulder.

“You threatened cute little bunnies?” she asked, her voice cold and threatening.

“Nope,” he replied. Breathing a sigh of relief, Fluttershy turned back to the bush.

“I threatened combat ready Hares that could have spread me as Purple Pony Paste on toast with a side of carrots,” Purple Heart amended. In a bout of sheer displeasure, Fluttershy smacked the purple stallion upside the head.

“Owch!” he squawked, jerking around to glare at the mare as he rubbed the back of his head. “What was that for?!” His cobalt eyes met Fluttershy’s displeased light blue orbs and he was immediately cowed.

“Sorry,” he said meekly. Fluttershy gave a small smile.

“You’re forgiven.”

“If I didnae know better, I’d say he was whipped,” a new voice mused, this one coming from the tree above the talking bush.

“I’ll say,” the bush agreed. The two ponies froze and whirled on the talking foliage.

“Okay, enough shenanigans,” Purple Heart growled as he advanced on the bush and tree.

“Methinks the colt be a might displeased,” the tree chortled.

“Gee, I wonder what gave you that impression,” Purple Heart snapped. “Can I just talk to the Hares Clan Heads please? I have a request.”

“Oho, a request he says,” the tree sneered. “Bet he wants us to sell our skins for profit. As if threatening us into a treaty wasn’t enough.”

“HEY!” Purple Heart barked. “I wanted to find a peaceful solution that didn’t rely on Hares and ponies killing each other to make a point. If I had let you fight it out, there’d be no one left to get the spoils. Everyone would be dead.”

“And you’d make sure of that?” the bush griped.

“Yes... I mean NO!”

“Give us one good reason to bring you to the Heads again,” the tree said. “A reason that doesn’t include ‘for the good of the Hares’.”

“Fine,” Purple Heart grumbled. “Would you rather live free to be as you are or live in fear under the iron fist of three villains?” The foliage fell silent as they considered the Purple Barbarian’s argument.

“The bruise makes a fair point,” the bush allowed.

“Indeed the laddie buck does,” the tree agreed. “I, however, am still not convinced that we should bring the bruise within a hair’s breadth of the Clan Heads.”

Purple Heart instantly heard the pun and puffed his cheeks to keep from laughing and further displeasing the hares. He couldn’t risk their potential assistance by laughing at their leaders. He’d already threatened them. It wouldn’t be easy to ask for their help after that.

“What can I do to convince you to allow me an audience?” he asked the tree and bush. Once again, the foliage fell silent as they considered his question and possibly communed with each other in some fashion. Fluttershy hovered several paces behind the purple earth pony, letting him speak and argue his case. She was still displeased over Purple Heart’s methods to persuade the Hares to assist him in the first place. If he tried the same things to get them to work with him this time, Fluttershy resolved to take matters into her own hooves.

By smacking Purple Heart soundly and glaring him into silence so that she could take over.
A chuckle came from the tree. “Looks like the mare’s got this boy beat.”

“Maybe that’s why he looks like a giant bruise!” the bush retorted. The two pieces of foliage laughed heartily as Purple Heart frowned off one side, as if showing his displeasure to an unseen audience.

“Hum, what could the bruise do,” the bush mused. “We could send him to fetch something that’ll prove his worth.”
Purple Heart immediately clenched his jaw to stifle a groan of disbelief. His tense expression was noticed by Fluttershy and she blinked curiously at him.

“Toothache?” she asked.

“Fetch quest,” Purple Heart whispered. “Hate those things. And yet, Windward is full of them.”

“What’s wrong with fetch quests?” the pegasus inquired.

“Find a thing, fight off anyone else in the way of the thing, puzzle your way to get the thing, bring it back to sender,” Purple Heart explained. He winced. “Tedious little time wasters.”

“Heard that,” the tree scoffed.

“Fudge bollocks,” Purple Heart swore.

“He could fight a monstrous beast?” the bush suggested.

“Nah, too simple,” the tree denied. “He’d just demolish it. It’s what the laddie buck does.”

Purple Heart blinked. “No I don’t,” he groused.

“What do you call threatening us into a treaty then?” the tree sneered.

“Passive aggressive negotiations,” the stallion replied promptly.

The foliage considered the answer while Fluttershy glared at Purple Heart. The purple earth pony winced under her gaze.

“Sorry,” he whimpered, slouching away from the yellow mare. She jerked her head in a satisfied nod.

“Good boy,” she said. “Now, apologize to the nice rabbits.”

Nodding meekly, Purple Heart walked over to the bush and tree. He bowed his head and mumbled something under his breath.

“Couldn’t hear yah laddie buck,” the tree called.

“Speak up,” the bush said.

“Try again, Purple Heart,” Fluttershy ordered.

“‘M sorry,” the purple stallion mumbled.

“Better.” Fluttershy smiled gently and patted Purple Heart on the head.

“Could’ve been more coherent instead of a slur,” the bush muttered. The leaves of the shrub shivered under Fluttershy’s sudden glare.

“Be nice,” she ordered, pointing a commanding hoof at the bush. “He apologized. That’s the most I’ve seen him do ever. Be grateful he did at all.”

“I say!” the tree chortled. “We should let the mare talk to the Clan Heads! She’s allowed as far as I’m concerned!”

The bush hmm’d. “But what if she gets tired of barking orders?”

“Why would she?” the tree responded. “She’s already a little horse!” The two were silent for a moment as the words sunk in, followed immediately by another round of laughter from the foliage. Purple Heart bit his tongue, an urge to cause damage to the shrubbery rising.

“I’m not the one who needs help,” Fluttershy denied. “Purple Heart is. The more subordinates he has, the stronger their collective abilities. At least, that’s what he told me. I’m sure he’s correct.” She spun around, freezing Purple Heart with another glare. “That is, if you were telling me the truth.”

He rapidly bobbed his head in the affirmative. “It’s true!” he squeaked, his tone high with panic.

Fluttershy nodded her head, satisfied. “Good,” she said, looking back to the bush and tree. “Now, can we please meet the with Clan Heads? We’re in a bit of a rush.”

“Eh… Sure!” the bush agreed. “Follow us.” The underbrush of the forest shook with the hare’s passing, much like the greenery of the trees overhead.

“Thank you,” Purple Heart said gratefully, inclining his head respectfully to the commanding presence of the pegasus.

“I’m keeping my eyes on you, Purple Heart,” Fluttershy warned. “I expect you to be a better pony...human from now on. No more threats.”

“Yes, ma’am,” the large stallion replied meekly, following after the hares into the forest.

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

Chapter 84: No-pony Cared Who He Was Before He Put on the Mask

“You’ve got to stop doing that!” Wits End growled, dragging two ponies into a shadowy alleyway by their tails. “Come on, we have one job! That job is to not get into trouble!”

“You have a task, little one.” Sol Eater chuckled, seeming only to allow the smaller stallion to pull her along. “I am enjoying this lovely freedom you have convinced my sister to give me.” The alicorn flicked her tail out of Wits’ magical grasp. “I knew you would come back to me, my litt-”

“Shush, not you.” Wits turned to Pinkie Pie, a frown on his face. “It’s bad enough keeping her,” he jerked his head at Sol Eater, “out of trouble, but if I have to keep an eye on you too? We’ll be living in the Hotel Under-the-Throne-Room until the end of time.”

Pinkie Pie’s face fell. “But it looked like so much fun!”

“Fun? We’re trying to keep from being locked up for all eternity by Princess Moonshoes!” Wits End went silent as a pair of alicorn guards passed by the entrance of the alleyway, keeping his magic over the mare’s mouths until they were well out of sight. “Not to mention the whole ‘keep the villains from destroying the universe as we know it’ plan will be a lot harder if we can’t get the alicorns to help us!”

Sol Eater raised an eyebrow. “Destroy the universe? Who are these villains you speak of?”

“Oh, yeah, you were incommunicado when that happened!” Pinkie Pie said, instantly regaining her excited mood. “So, after Minty Fresh banished you to the not-moon, we got out of the cave and it turns out that three bad guys stole the power of our friend who’s kinda a god here and now they want to rule the world so we’re trying to find some friends to help us beat them before they take over the world and if they do that we won’t be able to get back to get back to our own world and-”

“Pinkie,” Wits interrupted “breathe.”

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath in. “And that’s why we’re here, looking for help from the Alicorns! The end!” She grinned widely. “Oh, and the three colts are from another dimension. Like, a different one that the one we’re from.”

Sol Eater stared blankly at the two ponies, blinking slowly as she processed that the’d heard. She turned to Wits End. “Is this true?”

Wits End thought for a few seconds. “Yeah,” he said eventually. “Yeah, we’re from different worlds than this one. Between you, me, and her, we’ve got three universes in this alley.”

The alicorn fell silent. She looked down as she thought, the corners of her mouth turned down. “I am...not sure I understand,” she finally said. “I am not sure I shall ever understand, fully.” A smirk spread across her face as her head turned up, looking at Wits End. “I knew you were special, my princess. Now I know just how special you are.”

“I- ju- a-” Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line, a blush forming on his cheeks. “Okay. Cool.”

“You should help us out!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed. “You can talk to your sister and convince her to help us beat the villains! You can be a good guy instead of a bad guy!” Her face suddenly appeared directly in front of Sol Eater’s, a massive grin on her face. “Whaddaya say?”

Sol Eater appeared to think very hard before her smirk widened. “No.” Wings flared out from the alicorn, pushing her into the air. “Sorry, my little ponies, but I have no intention to let this freedom go to waste. I shall return for you soon enough, my princess.” Another flap of her wings, and she shot over the tops of the buildings and out of sight.

“Oh for the love of…” Wits grumbled, the sound turning into a growl of irritation halfway through. “Pinkie, do you have some sort of doodliwhatsit to help us fly too?”

Pinkie Pie stuck her forehooves into her mane and shook, releasing half a dozen party poppers, a hooful of confetti, three small and confused lizards, and rubber eel. “Nothing. Sorry!”

“I thought you have everything in there!”

“Only when it’s funny! This isn’t funny!”

“For the love of Celestia’s heavenly nostrils…” Wits End sighed. He paused. “I have a bad idea.”

“What is it?”

“Well…” Wits focused, his horn glowing with a wispy silver light. A mask appeared in his forehoof; a mask with a long, flowing silver mane, occasionally flickered with golds and reds like a white-hot flame, and seeming to glow with a light from somewhere within it. “We could see how my new ability works out.”

Pinkie frowned. “Didn’t Discord say that has some side effects? Do you really wanna meet with a terrible fate?”

“Would you prefer the cupboard under the stairs for all eternity?”

“Good point. Put the thingy on your face!”

With a sigh, Wits End looked down at the back of the mask: a perfectly smooth surface lacking even eyeholes. “Well… Allons-y!” The mint-colored unicorn placed the mask against his face.

A flash of blinding energy blasted out from the back of the mask, obscuring the unicorn’s body in light. Pinkie Pie shielded her eyes with a forehoof, wincing away from the energy blast. “Minty? You alright?”

“Hmm…” When the light faded, Wits End was still standing exactly where he had been. A pale light still surrounded his body, which had grown as tall as Purple Heart but still as slender as before. He flapped the pair of cerulean wings on his back twice, a look of mild curiosity on his face as the wingtips fluttered. “Fascinating,” he mused.

Pinkie frowned. “Are you sure? You look kinda… different.”

“Different?” Wits smirked. “Or better? I personally think this is quite,” he flared his wings dramatically, “a drastic improvement.”

“You’re acting kinda evil villain-y there, Minty.”

“Perhaps… There is a villain that exists as a result of my actions.” His smirk widened into a grin. “Perhaps this world needs just one villain, not three.”

“Nope.” Pinkie whipped out the party cannon, blasting the pseudo-alicorn right in the face with confetti and pain. The pink party pony proudly leaned against the brightly colored firearm. “There! Head trauma always helps ponies possessed by evil.”

Wits End shook the bits of brightly colored paper out of his mane. “I’m not possessed, Pinkie. Jees.” He spat out a wad of paper. “There’s definitely something going on with my brain, though. Conquering the world sounds like a really good idea right now. That, and finding a cute pony to call My Little Prince.” He paused for a moment. “...ess. Princess. I meant Princess.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Are you suuuuure?”

“Don’t question my reasoning. I’m from another world. I’m deep and stuff.” Wits turned looked up at the sky. “We should probably get going after Princess Evilestia.”

“Great idea!” Pinkie Pie thought for a moment. “How am I supposed to go with you?”

“Ride me.”

Pinkie blinked. “What?”

Wits End whirled back around. “Ride me!” he shouted. Almost instantly, the pink party pony pounced on his back, wrapping her forelegs around the base of his neck. “Huh. I expected a lot more back-and-forth.”

“Probably some sort of superpowers mumbo-jumbo,” Pinkie said flippantly. “Now shut up and fly, my faithful steed!”

“There’s a certain irony to this situation,” Wits mumbled. “Can’t quite put my graspers on it.”

“Heigh ho, Minty! Away!”

Wits End leapt into the air, his wings beating in long strokes to carry the two ponies higher. “You know, this isn’t that hard. I don’t know why I haven’t been flying more before this.”

“There she is!” Pinkie pointed a forehoof past the minty alicorn’s face at a glowing dot, barely visible in the twilight. “After that mare, Minty!”

“You got it!” Wits angled his wings forward, intent on catching up to Sol Eater before she could do any damage.

The pair of ponies dropped out of the air, almost crashing into the side of a building before barely managing to half-glide, half-run along the rooftop and leap back into the sky at a more subdued pace. “I think I’m gonna barf,” Wits mumbled. “Flying seemed so easy from the ground…”

“Bend your wings on the upbeat!” Pinkie called over the sound of the wingbeats. “Think of it like swimming with wings!”

“I can barely swim with hands!”

“Neither can I!”

Wits beat his wings again, without flying groundward this time.“How do you know so much about the logistics of flying anyway?”

“I remember when Twilight was learning! Now stop that pigeon!”

“Well if you remember, how do I dive without terrible crashing doom?”

“Fold your wings in and guide your fall with your wingtips. Why?”

“‘Cause I have another terrible idea.” Wits End angled himself skyward, beating his wings rapidly to gain more altitude.”

“Minty, what are you doing?”

“Channeling my inner Yeager.” One last wingbeat for the extra foot of height, and Wits dove. He rocketed toward the true alicorn below him, getting closer but quickly losing altitude.

Pinkie had her forehooves wrapped around Wits End’s neck, her cheeks flapping in the wind. “We’re not gonna make it!”

“We’re gonna make it!” The pair was rapidly approaching Sol Eater.

“You’re diving too fast!”

“I have a plan!”

“This is a terrible plan!”

“I know! Hold on!”

The mint-colored alicorn dove under Sol Eater, angling his flight path upwards at the last moment. As he shot in front of the true alicorn for a split second, he fullen extended his wings, blocking her sight. “Now!”

“Confetti for the confetti god!” Pinkie leaped from Wits’ back, latching onto Sol Eater with all four limbs, her tail, and a banner reading ‘Congratulations!’ retrieved from her mane. The sudden added weight, and party decoration wrapped around her wings, forced the alicorn mare down, where she half landed, half crashed into the rooftop below. Wits End, having wasted all of his momentum with his maneuver, made a graceless face-plant onto the roof tiles next to them.

“Now,” Wits said, slightly cross-eyed from the impact, “are you done acting like a filly? Or do you wanna run away again?”

Sol Eater growled from her tangled, prone position. “What do you want from me?”

“Right now, what I want is what you would want from me if I were you and you were me and you are he and we are all together. I mean...” He held a hoof to his face, his wings vanishing as he removed the alicorn mask, and looked down at the alicorn. “I need an army to help fight for me. You’re the thing that’s standing between me and what I need, so you’re gonna sit your heavenly hindquarters down and PLAY. NICE.”

The alicorn fell silent for several seconds. “My hindquarters are heavenly, you say?”

“I, uh, just, don’t change the subject.”

Watching the stallion’s face redden, Sol Eater smiled; a genuine, guileless smile this time. “Well now, isn’t this a pleasant surprise? And here I thought you heroes were suppose to despise villains like me.”

“You’re not a villain!” Pinkie shouted, as if to remind the other two ponies that she was there. “Well, I mean, you are, but that’s just ‘cause Discord decided you were gonna be one!” The pink party pony grinned, wrapping a foreleg around the alicorn’s neck. “But Discord’s not in charge anymore, so you can be whatever you want now!”

Sol Eater frowned. “What is a ‘Discord’?”

“Discord’s the guy who was in charge of everything that’s happened in this world since us adventurers got here,” Wits End explained. “And, I suppose, everything that happened before then, via backstory.”

“So this Discord is the one responsible for the feud between my sister and I?”

Wits End paused. There was something in the way the alicorn had spoken; a combination of idle interest, wistfulness, and a certain vengefulness. It almost sounds like she didn’t want to fight Penumbra, he thought. If she blames Discord for that, she might try to take revenge on him. That could be painful for him. A small smirk crossed his face. Then again, irony like this doesn’t just drop into your lap everyday. “Yeah, that sounds about right,” he said aloud. “And, if you help us beat our villains, we can put you and him in the same room.”

Pinkie Pie grabbed Wits by the mane and pulled him close. “Minty, what are you doing?” she hissed. “Putting Sunny Day and Discord in the same room would be super duper dangerous!”

“And hilarious to watch from a safe distance,” Wits added in a whisper.

Pinkie pondered for a moment. “Sure!” she shouted, hopping back to Sol Eater. “Me and Minty will put you in the best room with him.” Her face lit up when the alicorn nodded. “Whoohoo! At least we’ve got one alicorn! Who needs an army?”

“I believe I can still help you with that army,” Sol Eater said.

“How?” Pinkie asked.

Sol Eater grinned, baring more teeth than would be expected. “My sister and I are alike in many, many ways.”

* * *

“Thou aim to do what?” Princess Penumbra raised an eyebrow at the three ponies standing before her.

“It’s as these two said,” Sol Eater said, motioning to Wits End and Pinkie Pie beside her. “There is a being known as Discord who is responsible for everything that has happened in this world. Including…” She frowned, “the source of our feud.”

Penumbra’s eyebrows knitted together. “Art thou claiming this Discord art wholly responsible, not thou?”

Sol Eater fell silent. “No. My actions were mine, I take responsibility for what I did.”

A look of surprise flashed across Penumbra’s face for the briefest of moments before she regained her composure. “Then what art thou proposing with this knowledge?”

“Closure.”

“Closure?”

A wicked grin formed on Sol Eater’s face. “Closure.”

Several tense second passed. Eventually, the same wicked grin formed on Penumbra’s face as well. “I do like closure.”

Pinkie Pie leaned over to Wits End. “I think we made a baaaad mistake,” she whispered.

“Really?” Wits mused back. “I think we set up our end-game entertainment.”

“My friends!” Penumbra stepped down from her throne, legs shaking slightly under what appeared to be the unfamiliar weight of her own body. “I believe I owe you two my thanks, and our assistance.” She bowed. “The Last Alicorn Bastion of the Night is at your command, Strategos Wits End.”

Wits End grinned widely. “Sweet! I have a title now?”

“Yes.” Sol Eater placed a hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder. “Although, the title of Prince Consort is always available.”

“...Oh?”

“Indeed,” Penumbra said, moving to sit next to the mint-colored stallion, opposite her sister.

“...Oh.”

Pinkie Pie looked the trio of ponies over. “Ohhhh my.”

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 85: EsCA-pe!

“For the last time, I’m not leaving!” Amber Glitter snapped, walking once again past the three mares.

“We’re not asking you to leave!” Twilight called after her, running to stop the Queen.

“Yes, we are,” Rainbow Dash grumbled under her breath. Amber eyed the blue pegasus with an arched brow, lips pursed in an expression of unamusement.

“We just want to help you evacuate your people,” Twilight offered. “Only the combat ready ponies need stay.”

“And me,” the Queen added.

“And you,” Twilight agreed, grimacing in resignation.

“If we are to evacuate the civilians, we must do so quickly,” Rarity piped up. “It appears that the offenders are preparing another attack on the castle gate.”

Amber Glitter growled and dashed past the three mares down the corridor to the front of the castle where her troops were stationed. Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash all shared a look and pursued the Queen to the main chamber.

“Everypony get ready! The enemy is preparing another attack.” Amber shouted, rousing the guards into their ready positions. She observed her troops for a few moments before turning to face the mares. “What is the plan to get my people to safety?”

“Well, we found one way in through the catacombs we might be able to find another way out of the castle,” Twilight thought aloud.

“Sure,” Amber replied. “Holdfast isn’t the first pony to try and conquer Gallopilli. There are secret passages in and out in every direction in case of assault.”

“That’s good,” Rainbow Dash said with a grin.

Amber Glitter frowned. “Except that Holdfast knows about almost all of them. Unless somepony scouts them out first, we might very well be sending those ponies right into those armored monsters.”

“That’s bad,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“Then we’ll scout them out!” Rarity said. “We can explore them for you and report back.”

“That’s good!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“You should check them out, Rainbow,” Twilight said.

“That’s- wait, what?”

Rarity nodded. “You’re the fastest pony around. Surely you can find an unguarded exit in, say…” she made a show of thinking hard, “10 seconds flat?”

Rainbow Dash’s mouth formed a thin line. “Fiiiine. Where’s the secret passages of secretness?”

“My hoofmaiden inside will provide you with a map,” Amber said. After a moment, she pouted slightly. “You’re the only one who can help us.”

The rainbow-maned mare perked up. “Leave it to me!” With a flap of the wings and a rush of wind, Rainbow Dash shot back into the hallway.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at the queen. “Is that right?”

“I remember your friend’s… exaggerated ego.” Amber smiled. However, the mares could see that her heart wasn’t really in it. “I thought I’d give her some encouragement.”

“A wise choice,” Rarity muttered.

* * *

Rainbow Dash barrelled down corridor after corridor; past pony after startled pony. The map she held flapped erratically as she flew at top speeds through the castle, searching for other secret passages that would hopefully be open and free of enemy armor husks. Besides the catacombs passage she, Rarity, and Twilight had entered through, there were three other possible passages through which Amber could send her non-combatants. One was under the dungeons where Purple Heart had inhabited briefly after his arrest. Another was a sister passage to the one from the catacombs and ran parallel from a store room on the other side of the castle. The final passage was probably the most sneaky in terms of bluffing: it was right under a guardhouse that flanked the castle gate.

Since the dungeons were the furthest away, Rainbow Dash elected to scout there first and work her way back to Amber, Twilight, and Rarity. She tore through another corridor and hung a left around a stairway that led underground. This area of the castle was empty of ponies as the guards were all holding the guardhouses and inner wall, while the servants attended to the injured and Queen Amber’s direct order.

“Aha!” the blue pegasus crowed upon reaching the dungeon proper. “I remember this place. Purple Heart was held here for a while.” She looked at the empty cells that lined the walls and looked at her map. Apparently, the secret passage way was in the fourth cell on the-

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash cried indignantly. “Why are you here?!”

The emaciated pegasus looked up from his bed, looking the mare over. “Well now. I remember you.” He stood on shaky rust-colored legs, leaning against the bars that separated him from Rainbow Dash. “You were here when that barbarian was brought in. If you’re looking for him, he was taken out shortly after you left.” He grinned with broken, yellow teeth. “Too late to save him, I’d think. If you look outside, maybe you can find him. At the end of a rope, of course.” The prisoner finished with a chuckle, falling into a coughing fit shortly after.

Rainbow Dash had an unamused expression on her face. “Are you done?”

The prisoner thought for a moment. “Suppose so. Not much else to do down here. What’d you want?”

“I was going to ask why you were still here, but that seems like a dumb question,” the mare said. “So, I’ll just go the quick route and put you in another cell. I have things to do in there and I don’t want you peeking over my shoulder while I do it. I’m getting creeped out just from looking at you.” She didn’t repress her shiver of disgust.

“Could always let me free,” the prisoner said with another grin. “I guarantee I won’t be no trouble.” The look on Rainbow Dash’s face was all the answer he needed; the drawn bow was just an added set of exclamation points at the end. “Point taken. What’d you need my cell for anyhow?”

Rainbow Dash hesitated in replying to the prisoner’s question. Was it wise to tell him that he had an escape route right beneath his hooves the entire time he’d been imprisoned? Sure, there’d be several seconds of amusement due to the prisoner’s ranting and raving, but then he’d wise up and start looking. And that would make moving him marginally more difficult. Then, she had a moment of vengeful realization.

“I need to move you to another cell so that I can refurbish this one,” Rainbow Dash chirupped. “Because you’ve been our longest resident here at the Gallopilli dungeon for ten years-”

“12 years,” the imprisoned pegasus corrected.

“-12 years,” she amended, “you’ve qualified for the Newly Refurbished Prisoner Suite by order of Her Majesty, Queen Amber Glitter. Congratulations!”

The prisoner stared at Rainbow Dash, as if peering into her intentions. The cyan pegasus mare felt a drop of sweat run down the back of her neck as she kept from blinking, or showing any other sign of her lie. “Fine,” he said, stepping away from the bars. “I look forward to another 12 years in a cell identical to this one, yet the ones outside call it ‘new and improved’.” He watched as the mare unlocked the door, gesturing to the cell directly across from his. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know of any adventurers the Queen plans on sending down here, would you?”

“Um… not really.” Rainbow Dash unlocked the second cell door, ushering the prisoner inside. “Why?”

“King Bastion took a couple of months off my sentence for every adventurer I mocked down here.” The rust-colored pegasus grinned as the door locked. “I expect the Queen to live up to her old stallion’s word.”

“I believe she will,” Rainbow promised, moving into the now empty cell. She opened the map once again and looked at it. Lifting her gaze, she blinked at the cell, then returned to the map. “It should be right...” She walked over to the wall opposite the door. “...about...” She considered the wall and the stone bricks there. She raised a hoof, placed it on one of the bricks at about eye level, and put her full weight on it. “Here.” There was a grinding sound and the bed disappeared, dropped into a tunnel beneath the cell.

“WHAT?!” the prisoner shrieked. “There was a secret passage out of here and it was under my cell this entire time?!”

“Eeyup,” Rainbow Dash confirmed, peering into the hole. “Bastion probably put you here to annoy any pony that came along so that they wouldn’t check the cell. And it looks clear. Perfect! Now on to the other passages.” Rainbow Dash trotted out of the cell and was making her way back up the stairs to the castle proper when the prisoner called after her.
“Hey!” he cried. “What about my Newly Refurbished Prisoner Suite Award for my time here?!”

“Nah,” Rainbow called back. “You see, we’re under siege right now. I doubt Queen Amber even knows you’re down here. Anyways, toodles. More passages to check.” She resumed her ascent, shaking her head at the sobbing prisoner below her.

She shot along the passageways as quietly as she could, listening for any tell-tale signs that the Armoroids were in it. Two turns from the exit, she’d heard a clanking sound that stopped her dead in her tracks. She quietly made her way to the corner and peeked around it; coming face to face plate with one of the armors. To her speedy shame, she only reacted after the armor made the first move. Jumping back around the corner and speeding back the way she’d come, she quickly got back to the entrance and closed it. Thinking fast, she pulled her bow out and used one of her special arrow attacks on the ceiling of the cell, causing it to collapse in on itself.

“Looks like you’re doing some refurbishing after all!” the prisoner shouted, keeping away from the bars. “Sounds like that siege is a bit closer that you thought, eh?”

“Oh, shut up,” Rainbow groused, listening to see if the Armoroids were going to try and dig through the rubble. “Looks like you won’t be getting the chance to heckle a bunch of walking empty armors. Anyway, I gotta jet. Good luck getting out. If I remember, I might even make sure Amber knows you're here.”

“Know that I’m he- Hey!” The prisoner watched as the mare bolted away. He had some choice words for the retreating mare, but they were inappropriate for the rating of this story, and this is not his story anyway.

Rainbow frowned as she sped through the castle's lower levels. Technically, the passage to the gate house should be the next, but if Holdfast doesn’t know about that I’ll eat the first thing Pinkie pulls from her hair, she considered. I guess I’ll check the store house next and double back if I have to. With that final thought, she veered off the path she was taking and headed down a new one. After a few minutes, she arrived at the store house in question; the thick coating of dust showing the disuse. Well, at least I know the Armoroids don’t know of this place. Or Rarity, she added with a snort.

One sub-sonic fly-by through the inside of the storehouse cleared away the dust, along with the lighter contents. Under a stack of crates, Rainbow Dash found a trapdoor; made in such a way to blend into the floor as long as it was covered. “Jackpot,” she muttered, flipping the trapdoor open. “Let’s get this over with.” She dove in, following one wall through the passageways.

She stayed closer to the ceiling to avoid the alleged slimes, only occasionally having to dodge something protruding from the ceiling. She slowed down once she got closer to the end of the passage, again listening for any noise from the Armoroids. She paused at the last corner and peaked around it close to the floor. She sighed thankfully at the empty passage and made her way to the end. She ran her hoof along the wall near the door until it caught on a slightly protruding brick. Pressing it in, the door slid open and she quickly moved to the other side and closed the door. Taking a couple of minutes, she checked the nearby area and, finding it pleasantly free of enemies, she hopped back through the door and sped back along the way she’d come.

She burst through the door back to where Amber was and, with a quick loop, landed in front of her. “You may now applaud,” she said, polishing a hoof on her chest. “I found the passage we could use. Even cleaned it a little,” she said smugly, looking at Rarity

“Not exactly ten seconds though, was it, dearly?” Rarity fired back with a similar grin, wiping the smug look off of Rainbow Dash’s face.

“Not now girls,” Twilight said, looking between the two before she focused on Rainbow Dash. “Where does the passage start and end?” Rainbow pulled out the maps she had and laid it all out to the others present.

Rainbow Dash tapped a circled building on the map. “Here, the storehouse. It goes all the way out to the forest way outta town. There none of those Armoroids anywhere nearby.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Armoroids?”

“Beats saying “empty suits of armor” all the time.”

“...Fair enough. Let’s tell Amber and get the citizenry out of here.”

* * *

Discord cheerily whistled as he worked on building a bastion so strong and mind-bending it would be impervious to attack. The song was one that had wormed its way into his head while he had been exploring the media from the colts’ home. Before everything had gone all wrong, he thought a frown. The thought also marred his work with a particularly mind-bending set of sigils that he swore he’d heard a sort of gurgling, squid-like laughter when he looked straight at it. With a shrug, he made the sigils sparkly to draw the eyes and went back to work. Or at least he would have had one of the scouts he’d sent out chose that exact moment to interrupt his Ultimate Tor of Rubber Ducky Doom.

“Lord Captain Gentleman Combat Scholar Master Discord the Fancily Panted Third,” the scout managed after a couple of tries. “I spotted ponies approaching from the capital. I thought it was some of those adventures you’d told us about. When I approached, I noticed there were too many for it to be them. Turns out they are refugees from the capital. I led them to a spot they can take cover until you’ve had a chance to talk to them.”

“Hmm, sounds fun. I’ll just finish slapping this together and then you can show me to them.” Discord said, finishing with a snap, causing a giant rubber ducky to appear. “Eh, close enough for now.”

“Of course, please follow me, L.C.G.C.S.M.D.F.P.T.,” the scout said ignoring the cheshire grin that spread across Discord’s face as the scout used the initials of the title he gave himself. He silently floated behind the scout, hiding his inner thoughts.

I can understand the refugees, but why aren’t the mares leading them? Or Amber? Or even amongst the group? Well no, wait, they could be amongst the group, and the scout just didn’t notice them. Or more likely they followed behind the group to keep them from being followed. A thought occurred to him and he voiced it aloud. “You didn’t happen to see any guards amongst them did you?”

“No, sir,”

Well, that lends a little more credence to them following behind. With any luck, they’ve caught up by now. His thought finished just as they entered a clearing filled with thousands of ponies.

“Miss Landed Title,” the scout called out to an older mare prompting her to come over. “This is Discord, the one setting up the defences of Roads Crossed.”

“Ah, my Lord Discord. Thank you for meeting with us so soon. It was a long hard trek to here. The sooner these ponies can be behind walls and feel safe, the better,” Landed Title replied, giving a small curtsy.

“Miss Title, you’ll be happy to know that your ponies are about to be behind the safest walls in all of the kingdom, long as they don’t look too closely at most of them.” Discord finished quietly. “I have to wonder though, why hasn’t Queen Amber been the one to meet me? Surely the soldiers guarding your rear would have caught up by now.”

“That would be because she and all of the able-bodied ponies stayed behind in the capital to hold it. Including the three mares; Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight,” Landed Tile said, a small look of worry crossed her face at Discord’s reaction to her news before she remembered. “Oh, that reminds me, I was told to deliver a message to you as soon as I could.”

The draconequus arched an eyebrow as the unicorn pulled a small scroll from a belt pouched. She levitated the scroll up, offering it to Discord. Plucking it from the air, the mismatched being unrolled the message and blinked down at it. Landed Title stood there, waiting for him to finish reading.

Discord,

As you may have noticed, we aren’t with the refugees fleeing the capital to find safe haven in Roads Crossed. The reason is simple: the Villains are assaulting Gallopilli.

Holdfast’s forces have already sacked the city and surrounding countryside, but the castle remains. We need reinforcements. We’re holding out for now, but I’m not sure how long the castle will stand. Bring any combat ready ponies from Roads Crossed and contact the Colts. They need to hurry.

Twilight Sparkle

Discord groaned in exasperation and rubbed at his forehead with a paw. “I just finished putting the last touches on my devious and chaotic trap here!” he whined. “And yet, I have to leave all my hard work and planning here to go storm the castle?! I. AM. NOT. PLEASED!” He raised a fist above his head and looked eager to strike something in a fit of petulant rage.

Landed Title shrunk away from the ranting being, very keen to not be introduced to his wrath. However, no wrath came. The draconequus merely sagged to his haunches and went silent. Landed Title blinked at Discord’s slumped form and confusion settled on her lined features.

“Ehm,” she cleared her throat and walked over to Discord to tap his shoulder. “Lord Discord? Is everything alright?”

“Nope,” he grunted. “I just got trolled. Built up all these defenses, prepared for overwhelming odds, I even made a MOAT! But NOOOO! Instead, we’re assaulting the colt-forsaken capital! Excuse me please while I play Operator! Hey! Colts! WAKE UP! We got a problem! This is Discord calling the Derp-Colt Hotline, 555-0123!”

“WHAT DID YOU DO NOW?!” Purple Heart snapped. “Did you get Banish’ed? Did you become the Bulwark? Did you become the MVPB? ‘Most Valuable Punching Bag’?”

“Oh come on! You're still salty over that? Dude, it’s been months! Get over it. Anyway, what's up, Discord?” Light Patch asked.

“Calling it now,” Wits End jumped in. “Something borked up and the plan has gone the way of the dodo bird and EA’s moral integrity. Do we need to scatter to the four corners of the map? Or is it time for a Big Darn Heroes Moment?”

“Second one,” Discord replied. “Apparently, Twilight, Dashie, and Rarity weren’t able to get Queen Amber out of Gallopilli. Instead, they got trapped there with her while the castle is under siege by an army of Holdfast’s Armor troops. I just got a message asking for reinforcements.”

“...Ah,” Purple Heart grunted. “It’s the call of the ‘Deep Doo Doo Bird’.”

Wits End sighed heavily. “I hate being right about this stuff. So, we bring what we’ve got to Gallopilli, hit Holdfast’s numbers with our numbers, and hope our numbers are better numbers. Where’s the Daemon Prince of Bel Air and Just Duty It Don’t Let Your Dreams Be Dreams in all of this?”

“I’m no-”

“Or at least hope we’ve got the bigger force multipliers,” Light Patch interrupted.

“I’m not entire-”

“Or a general with more stars than theirs,” Wits mused.

Discord waited a few seconds to see if they were going to continue, “I don’t know whe-”

“Or enough nukes to lag the game like nothing else,” Purple Heart sighed.

“Do you three want me to actually tell you what's going on so you don’t blunder into a trap and get stack wiped, or not?” Discord mentally shouted through the link. They were silent. “Good, now shut up and let me finish speaking, or I just may finish what they started. No, I don’t exactly know what Bael is up to. I can tell that Just Duty is near the capital, most likely in it but I don’t know for sure.”

“Well, two outta three ain’t bad,” Light Patch said. “So long as we can finish those two before Bael shows up with whatever army he pulls outta his fur, we should be good.”

“That might actually be a problem,” Purple Heart said. “Fluttershy and I ran into Bael a short while ago. He was recruiting any ponies of the Emerald Legion that he could and seemed like he was on his way to Gallopilli when he left. And now that I think about it, no one will know which Legionnaires belong to either of us… BOLLOCKS!”

“LEEKS! LEEKS ARE THE ANSWER!” Light Patch shouted through the link. His cry was met with confused silence.

“What the absolute frack are you on about?” Wits deadpanned.

“Leeks. You put leeks in your legionnaires helmets. The Welsh or some such did it before they had to fight Saxons, so they could tell who was on who’s side,” Light Patch replied.

“...And you know this...how?” Purple Heart inquired. “Was it a factlet from Aging Kings or did you find it while surfing the web?”

“I saw it in an episode of Good Eats,” Light Patch said.

“...Huh...All Tonne Brown does find that kind of stuff. Spiffy. Discord, could you please put some identifying mark on the Legionnaires coming to Roads Crossed?I sent the few that I managed to recruit there,” Purple Heart said. “I also have the support of the Hare Clans. I managed to convince them I was the newest Badger Lo- OW! Her timing is uncanny...”

“And I’m finding out about this NOW?!” Discord raged.

“Um...yeah? I don’t have telepathy. Hence, I can’t make calls. Unlike some other petulant god being I know of.”

“Patch that in next time, Discord,” Wits said. “I’m pretty sure everypony will be able to tell whose side the folks I’m bringing are on.” He fell silent for a few seconds. “I feel like I should apologize in advance.”

“...And why is that?” Discord asked.

“Well, I don’t feel THAT bad. This is gonna be hilarious.”

“Well, now I’m just all atwitter in anticipation,” Light Patch said in his best Rarity impression. “As for the forces I’m bringing, just know that when the bell tolls midnight and the rain abates, your journey to Halloweentown will be complete,” Light Patch finished, adding his best 'deep dark chuckle'.

Wits End muttered something about 'bells of awakening' and 'undead asylums' before sighing. “Alright. I better tell my waifus what’s going on. Wits out!”

“Indeed,” Purple Heart agreed. He paused briefly and continued speaking. “I don't have waifus, so I can't tell them what's going on. Though somehow I think Wits would disagree... Regardless, abscond!”

“I’ll need to practice my cackle and see about teaching my army to play something spooky for when we show up,” Light Patch said. “Unless there is anything else, armageddon outta here.”

“Very well,” Discord sighed. “Make haste to Gallopilli. We have a game to finish.”

Discord severed the connection to the three colts and raised his head to see Landed Title looking worriedly at him.

“Prepare the troops,” Discord ordered. “We march to reinforce Gallopilli.”

“Yes, my lord!” Landed Title squeaked, flashing a little curtsy salute before darting away. A grin curled Discord’s lips as he rose.

“I’ve always wanted to say that,” he chuckled.

Author's Note

Authors: Light Patch, Purple Heart, Wits End

Chapter 86: The Keep Is Enclosed, My Lord.

Holdfast stood in the center of the main street of Gallopilli, clad in light, almost decorative plate mail. Gold filigree lined the edges of the armor, and over it all lay a fine black fur cloak. He adjusted one of the steel cuffs around his foreleg. “I will say,” he said aloud, “despite his questionable tastes in entertainment, Lord Silver Lining had an excellent choice of equipment in his personal armory.” He frowned at a decorative medal pinned to the lapel of the cloak. “Not that he earned this,” he muttered, picking the silver cross from its place and letting it drop to the ground.

The former chancellor looked up at the home of his former life: the castle. “Just think,” he said, “a few short weeks ago, I was trying to lay claim to this land by way of a years-long plan. Work my way up from the very lowest rank of King Bastion’s contingent, gain the royal family’s trust, and eventually claim the throne by virtue of being the last survivor.” He chuckled. “If only I’d known it would be this easy. What do you two think?”

He looked back at two suits of armor standing behind him. They were identical, silent, and, like the scores of other suits of armor marching to surround the castle, completely empty. They said nothing, and did not move even an inch.

“Hmm,” Holdfast shook his head. “A shame that none of you are keen on talking.” He thought for a moment, seeing the last of the suits channel their way out of the surrounding buildings—empty, unfortunately—and turned back to the castle. “I remember tales told of King Bastion’s ancestor, older even that old King Behemoth. They say that the first king was a violent and terrible conqueror, uniting the surrounding city-states under an iron hoof. They called him a tyrant.”

He mused to himself for several seconds, surrounded by the silent suits of armor. “Well, I suppose Tyrant Holdfast has a certain ring to it.”

“So does ‘break the tyrant’s hold,’” Just Duty said, walking over to Holdfast. “Or ‘the worms’ fast will end soon.’ Even ‘orange door hinge’ has a specific ring to it, if you say it right. You truly think we’ll win this battle this time, even though your ‘toys’ have failed every time before?” Just Duty asked as he looked at the hollow suit of armor next to him.

“I haven’t used all of my ‘toys’ yet,” Holdfast responded without looking at the ex-paladin. “I’ve had most of them busy searching the city for the inhabitants. Now, there’s nothing between us and the young queen.” He chuckled. “Well, aside from the castle walls. A minor inconvenience, I’d say.”

“Yes, a minor inconvenience that has held back armies larger, more powerful and more…personally motivated than yours,” Just Duty replied, looking towards the castle walls. “Then again, according to the words of false gods and lies of fake heroes, who’s to say those walls have ever been tested in the first place.” The stallion spat on the ground in frustration before looking back at the armors. “In a way, your army is actually a good representation of their lies: meaningful looking on the outside, but inside,” he carefully plucked the helmet off the armor next to him, revealing its empty nature, “hollow and meaningless. Like fake heros and false gods. Curse them and their lies for trying to plant doubt in my mind.” He sighed and looked at the helmet he still held. “How did you manage to make these lies anyway?” he asked, gazing into the empty helm.

Holdfast was silent for a moment. Slowly, a grin formed over his face. “I believe we found some of Amber Glitter’s citizens earlier. Perhaps I can show both you and her majesty the answer to your question at the same time.” He shrugged. “But, if you really want to know, I can tell-”

“Really want to know what?” a deep voice asked, curiosity clear in its questioning tone. The two stallions blinked and looked up, searching for the question that had come from above their heads. Crouched on a building was Bael, head cocked to one side in confusion. A pair of pegasi flanked the bipedal being, their glowing green eyes the only similarity between them.

“Really want to know what?” Bael repeated, leaping down to stand beside the two besiegers. His bodyguards followed, flapping down to join him. “I just got here with some Legionnaires I poached from the Purple Barbarian’s Emerald Legion. What’d I miss?”

“Holdfast was about to send his army of hollow lies against the walls of long falsity to see which is stronger,” Just Duty replied, putting the helmet back onto the armor carelessly.

“Aha,” Bael hummed, eying the empty armor suits with a skeptical gaze. “In my experience, things without internal support don’t usually win against age old stone and mortar of castle walls. I bid thee good luck in your venture though.”

Holdfast raised an eyebrow at the biped. “Luck? Where do you plan to be while I and the amazing collapsing morality stallion complete our goal?”

Bael jerked a blunt thumb over his shoulder at the outer wall and grinned, replying with flowery, formal words. “Whilst you attempt to break the back of the defenders at the castle, I shall act to defend us from retaliation from without. The Purple Barbarian managed to collect some Legionnaires before I got to them and sent them to augment the forces that have begun marching from a quaint little village called Roads Crossed. Our counterparts are mounting a counter attack against us.”

“Are they now?” Holdfast grinned once again as he turned to Just Duty. “My army can handle the defenders of the castle. Do you plan on finishing your… unfinished business with the grey pegasus?” Just Duty looked at the old stallion questioningly for a few moments.

“I would like to know why you wish to appear so helpful before I answer that question,” he stated.

Holdfast’s grin widened. “As I said before, amazing collapsing morality. I’m fascinated to see how far a paladin is willing to go.” He turned back to the castle. “Besides, I can’t have you ruining the morale of my ‘fake’ army.” Just Duty snorted and turned to walk away.

“Do not push too hard, or you’ll get to experience first hoof how far I’m willing to go,” he called over his shoulder.

Bael arched an eyebrow at the departed Just Duty and shrugged, turning back to Holdfast. “I guess I’ll prepare the defense at the walls,” he decided, rolling his shoulders to work any stiffness out. “Send a messenger or give a signal when you’ve taken the castle or require assistance. I’ll fall back to reinforce your troops. Ideally, I’ll have squashed any upstart invaders by then, though I’m not certain I’ll have achieved that.”

“Uncertainty doesn’t suit you, demon.” Holdfast turned back to the castle. “I have history books to put myself in.” He waved a forehoof toward the castle gates as the suits of armor marched forward in unison. “I shall meet you inside.”

Bael gave a mock salute at the ex-chancellor. “Good luck, comrade,” he bade. “Let us ruin some days.” Making a sharp gesture for the two daemon-pony pegasi to follow him, Bael jumped up to the rooftops and made his way towards the walls to mount his defense.

Holdfast watched the biped disappear. “I suppose I should say something worthy of being remembered by future generations,” he mused. After a minute, he shrugged. “I’ll have something added to the history books later. Attack!”

* * *

Up on the castle walls, Twilight’s horn stopped glowing; the metal horn she had been using as an amplifier slowering to the stone slabs below them. “You all heard that?”

“You mean the certainty of death, small chance of success?” Rainbow Dash deadpanned. “No, I must have missed it somehow, with your spy equipment letting us hear everything they said down there.”

“At least Purple Heart and Discord are coming,” Rarity said. “Maybe Purple Heart can just punch those gaudy suits of armor-”

“Armoroids,” Rainbow Dash corrected. Rarity glared briefly at the blue pegasus.

“No,” she stated before continuing her original thought. “Maybe Purple Heart can just punch the gaudy suits of armor into scrap metal.”

“Even if he can,” Amber Glitter said, “those suits of armor-”

“Armoroids,” Rainbow Dash said again.

The queen shoot a look of heightened irritation at the pegasus. “...those suits of armor are still marching on-” She was interrupted by the sound of swords striking the heavy wooden gate below them. “I take that back. Those suits of armor are attacking the castle and there still might be more hidden paths they can sneak in through. They could get in through anywhere!”

“But we know where they’re going,” Twilight said.

“Where?” Amber asked.

Twilight pointed a forehoof at Amber Glitter. “You’re the only pony still in this castle they care about. Even if they have to search the entire castle, they’ll be looking for you.”

“Great,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Worst case scenario is that we wait for hours and then the entire army of Armoroids comes crashing down on our heads.”

“‘Armoroids’ is not going to catch on, darling,” Rarity muttered back. “Stop trying to make it a thing.”

“It’d totally be a thing if Pinkie or one of the colts was here,” Rainbow muttered quietly before she looked back over the walls. “Anyways, what’s the plan? It’s too late to back out of this fight now, so how do we make sure we hold out long enough for help to show up and get through to us?”

“I’m sure Rarity and I can use our magic to move tables and benches to shore up the main gate,” Twilight offered. “We can also use actual magic to help fortify. And we’re lucky enough that each of us has some proficiency with ranged attacks.”

“Yeah, like that’ll do anything,” Rainbow Dash scoffed. “I shoot arrows and Rarity throws sewing needles. Those usually work great if there was anything living inside the Armoroids.”

“It won’t stick, dear,” Rarity chided once more. “Although, she is right. If I remember correctly, piercing damage doesn’t exactly hurt beings made of armor. Bludgeoning attacks would be more effective.”

“Then we’ll drop rocks!” Twilight snapped, whirling on the two mares. She sighed and rubbed at her forehead when they jerked in surprise at her irritated tone. “Sorry, girls. I haven’t exactly lead the defense of a siege. All the villains we faced went one on one. The only experience I can think of that comes close to this situation is Chrysalis’ attack.”

“And Roads Crossed,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.

“Co-led,” the purple alicorn corrected. “That was also against bandits. This is a unified army.”

“It’s all right dear,” Rarity soothed, patting Twilight gently on the shoulder. “We’re all a little tense. Besides, arrows and needles aren’t all we have. Rainbow Dash can use her Elemental Infusion to augment her arrows and I can try to manipulate any armor suits-”

“Armoroids.”

“ARMOR SUITS!” Rarity cried. “I can manipulate any armor suits that get close enough and I can use Summon Greater Ponnequin.”

“Not to interrupt how you plan to fight back,” Amber Glitter most certainly interrupted, “and math might not have been the focus of my studies as a filly, but it’s three of you against… one, two, three, a lot more of those Armoro- suits of armor. And Purple Heart is only one of three of the stallions you said went out for help. How do you plan on holding out long enough for the other two? Assuming they even find any help at all, that is.”

Twilight thought for a moment. “Rainbow Dash? Do you remember what happened in 'Daring Do and the Castle of Terrible Terrors'?”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at the alicorn. “You mean at the end where she’s holding out against the Naga Hordes of Poliu’Lopkiu? What about it?”

“Do you remember how that ended?”

The rainbow-maned mare frowned. “You mean how it ended on a massive cliffhanger that kept everypony waiting for months until the next book came out? What about it?”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Interlude

A lone, nondescript pony blinked as it became aware of its surroundings in a white expanse of nothingness. The pony, being blank of face and grey of coat, looked over its shoulder, back the way it had come. Words stretched out into the beyond, disappearing into the horizon, detailing the treks and trials of nine ponies in a world they knew little about.

The pony jerked, recognition flashing across its thoughts.

A story.

That’s where the pony was.

The canvas for a story. The ass end of a story where the writing just stopped for some inexplicable reason. Confusion marred the pony’s conscious as it peered closer at the final words available to read.

Twilight thought for a moment. “Rainbow Dash? Do you remember what happened in ‘Daring Do and the Castle of Terrible Terrors’?”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at the alicorn. “You mean at the end where she’s holding out against the Naga Hordes of Poliu’Lopkiu? What about it?”

“Do you remember how that ended?”

The rainbow-maned mare frowned. “You mean how it ended on a massive cliffhanger that kept everypony waiting for months until the next book came out? What about it?”

“There’ll be a conclusion, you know,” a voice called from behind the grey pony. It jerked and turned to face the voice, surprised at the sudden sound in the seemingly empty white expanse. Some paces away stood a table, at which sat three beings in three chairs. All three were facing the pony, considering the blank visage it bore.

“We do intend to finish the story,” the voice spoke again, coming from the center being. “We just need time.” The nondescript pony scrutinized the figures, searching for discerning marks or details that set them apart from its own blank visage.

All three figures were male, that being the only similarity between the trio.

The center figure was large, broad of shoulder and heavy of bearing. His hands were clasped together on the table, relaxed in placing. An oval mask of purple and gold hid his features from sight, but could do little to hide the short brown hair on his head. His choice of garb was simple, blunt; a pair of shorts and a blank grey t-shirt. He was also barefoot, leaving large feet apparent for all to see beneath the table. Posture wise, he sat with a straight back and looked the most formal in bearing, as if addressing a court or conference.

The leftmost figure was minutely shorter than the center one, but no less stocky. His build was marginally similar to the center figure, though his shoulders were not near as broad. One stocky hand supported his chin as he gazed through the eyeholes of a dragon mask colored pink. Short red hair could be seen just barely behind the edge of his dragon mask. He was clothed in a dark green long sleeve shirt, and jeans. The sandals he wore allowed easy observation of the mix of one white and one black sock. Of the three, he was the most relaxed.

The rightmost figure was smaller than the other two, as seen by his feet barely touching the floor under the table. He wore a short-sleeved, button-down shirt, with the collar of an undershirt visible beneath, tan slacks, and a pair of red high-tops that, when standing, likely gave him a needed extra half-inch of height. Thin, long fingers were intertwined just below the eyeholes of his penguin mask, giving him the appearance of a mastermind concocting a brilliant scheme that could only be realized by penguins. His hair was the darkest of the three, an inky black that pulled from the top of his scalp like flippers. His posture was the most menacing.

The pony shook itself and cocked its head to one side, trying to convey its confusion without voice or facial expressions.

“It is with apprehensive anxiety that we announce the First and Only Hiatus for Caverns and Cutie Marks,” the center being declared.

“We await your indignation,” Penguin Mask said dryly.

“In our defense,” Dragon Mask lifted a finger, “we’ve been consistently updating for the last…what, year and a half?”

“A year and seven months,” Purple-Gold supplied. “We’ve been posting chapters weekly since January 3rd, 2015. I’d say we’re safe from internet crucifixion.”

“Says the one who wanted to post this note a week after the cliffhanger chapter,” Penguin Mask accused, glaring at Purple-Gold. “Internet crucifixion indeed.”

The large being cringed and raised his hands in defeat. “Aye, sah,” he mumbled.

Dragon Mask ignored his compatriots and addressed the grey pony. “As you may have noticed, we’ve placed this chapter directly after the previous one to prevent the aforementioned internet crucifixion.”

Disappointment and indignation welled within the pony as it tried to convey its displeasure through silence and jerking its head.
Penguin Mask waved a hand dismissively at the pony. “Don’t give me that,” he said. “We have a perfectly legitimate reason to go on hiatus.”

The pony cocked its head to one side in curiosity, though it still felt displeased at the three beings.

“We ran out of backlog,” Purple-Gold explained. “Remember that I said we first started posting on January 3rd, 2015?” At the pony’s nod, Purple-Gold continued. “We started writing Caverns and Cutie Marks four months earlier. We wanted to at least finish the entire first arc before uploading. Heck, we were still in the brainstorming phase. I wanted to write something differently altogether, but then we caught on the idea of RPG elements and humans from humanland, shaken not stirred, into a Discord infused cocktail of hilarity and shenanigans. And yes, I’ve finished Undertale, so quit ragging on me. I’ve already pissed you off with my excessive Dark Souls meme usage without playing the ga-”

A smack sounded when Penguin Mask slapped Purple-Gold upside the head.

“Shut up,” Penguin Mask ordered. “You’re rambling. And embarrassing us. And yes, play Dark Souls.”

“And stop missing.” Dragon Mask threw out before turning back to look at the pony. “In any case we do have a plan for our hiatus. We’ll keep writing until the fic is done. Then we’ll edit it, and start posting again.” The pony looked thoughtful for a moment before looking questioningly at the Dragon Mask. “Yeah, we’re basically doing what we did at the beginning for the end. If it ain’t broke, then don’t fix it.”

The pony mimed an hourglass and then putting something up. “When will we start… fencing again?” Dragon Mask guessed causing the pony to frown.

“When will we throw science at the wall?” Purple-Gold asked, causing the pony to wave its arms and wildy gesture differently.

“It’s like it’s trying to speak to me, I just know it,” Penguin Mask said, leaning away as his eyes narrowed. “Or to seduce me... I’m not sure.”

Purple-Gold snorted and his head went forward as shudders wracked his upper body. The grey pony tried to puff its cheeks in annoyance, an action which only sent the center figure into greater shudders of laughter when he saw it.

“Oh man,” he wheezed. “That’s so funny and adorable!” Penguin Mask slapped Purple-Gold again to silence him. It worked, but didn’t stop his shaking.

“Anyways,” Penguin Mask sniffed, “we’re going on Hiatus. No idea when we’ll resume. Definitely before the year ends though.”

Purple-Gold’s shaking finally ceased and he straightened, clearing his throat. “I think we’ve said all we wanted to say.” He looked at his comrades. “Anything to add?”

“I was hoping to shout redacted at some point,” Dragon Mask said, leaning against his hand. “Other than that, I’m good. You?” He turned to Penguin Mask

“Go left,” Penguin Mask replied, grinning behind his mask at the now disgruntled Purple-Gold.

“Meh you,” Purple-Gold sniffed. “We’re done here.”

The trio faded from the canvas along with the table and chairs, leaving a grey pony alone in the white expanse of blank canvas. A phrase appeared near the pony’s hooves, flashing to catch its attention.

Angst-Comment?

The pony raised and lowered its shoulders in a silent sigh and stood there, waiting for something to happen.

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Light Patch, Wits End

Origins Chapter: Just Duty

Author's Note

Lo! We are returned! We have completed the story and hope you enjoy it! We'll start with three origins chapters regarding the three villains followed by a Dramatis Personae cataologing all characters relevant to the story, followed finally by the resolution to our cliffhanger some odd months ago. Read on! [PH]

Chapter written by Light Patch.

And a very merry yuletide hearth's warming-mas to you all!

Origins Chapter: Just Duty

Just Duty ducked lower behind the boulder, panting as he watched the monster frantically search for him. He breathed erratically his heart hammering away; he’d never fought anything this difficult. Worry was etched into his face as he tried to recall anything from his memories that would help. All he could hear, though, was the monster as it tried to find him.
Such as the plinking of the its claws on the rocks, which he found reminded him of the sounds of the blacksmiths working on the day he was inducted into his paladin order. He remembered glancing around nervously at the silent paladins watching. The paladin mare’s speech was almost lost to his memory; most of what remained was the vague impression that it hadn’t been quite important as she’d made it out to be at the time.

“This is a day you’ll not forget, initiates.” the mare had begun speaking from the wall to the group of ponies. Just Duty remembered looking around young and eager, his excitement leaving him unable to hold still and shift.

“Today you take the first steps down a new path; a path of righteousness, virtue, honor, and duty,” the mare’s voice continued, causing him to smile at the part of his name in a speech. “Today you begin the path of paladinship. From now on you shall not fear any evil or beast. Beginning today they shall learn to fear you. ‘Monster’ is a coward’s word, and fear is a curse that will be broken. You are paladins: unyielding, unbreakable and incorruptible. You will not hide from evil you will charge it face on,” she shouted, Just Duty felt the nervous energy of the crowd be stripped away as he and every other pony present in it stood a little straighter.

The beast’s roar of frustration broke him out of his memories. He looked over the rock at the beast. He sized it up, taking note of its legs and how it seemed to have to jump to turn quickly. His heart slowed and he took a deep breath as he stood up. He hefted his warhammer and jumped on top of the boulder; the beast heard his armor and turned to face him. The two stared the other down; neither flinching. Finally, the beast roared as it charged, and Just Duty answered back with a war cry as he launched himself from the boulder. His hammer slammed into the beast’s claws, knocking them away from him and he landed on the ground.

He then immediately began circling the beast, forcing it to try and keep up with him as well as giving him attacks against its side. His strategy did make it easier for the beast to try and roll over him in an attempt to shred him with its razor sharp spines. With a speed he couldn’t imagine, the beast uncurled from its attack and swiped at him. He blocked the attack but found himself sliding backwards. He glanced at his stance and found his mind drifting back to his first days of training.

“Hoofwork will save your life,” the paladin in charge of the training had said. “That is why for the next year, it is all you’ll be learning.”

“Just Hoofwork? No weapon training or anything like that?” asked a stallion to the left of Just Duty. The paladin in charge of the training got right up in the face of the pony who’d asked the question.

“Do you know how many of our order have died by tripping onto their own spear in combat?” the paladin asked.

“No?”

“None, because they’ve all been trained right,” Just Duty remembered the trainer had said. And so, as promised, for the next year they’d practiced nothing but moving, standing, and everything else related to hooves in combat. Just Duty corrected his stance and blocked another attack from the beast, his lips splitting in a grin as he registered about how he’d failed to slide backwards. He ducked under the beast’s next swing and retaliated with one of his own. The beast staggered backwards, but recovered as it threw out several quick swipes of its own.

The two continued their flurry of small strikes, trying to create the opening they needed to end the battle; their hits either easily dodged or shrugged off. The circling game also continued: one would close on the other and a flurry of blows would be traded, then finally they’d back away. Slowly circling trying to find a weakness before closing in again.

Just Duty’s legs were aching, and once again he’d found himself wishing he’d chosen a lighter weapon.

“It is now time for you to chose your primary weapon. You are free to chose any weapon you’d like. However, the weapons on the rack are the ones we can offer you training for. Feel free to look at the different weapons. You can ask the paladins here about the weapons and their thoughts. You’re also free to heft them and test swing, but if you hit one another, I will personally throw you over the wall!” the mare had shouted. The trainees stood still for a few moments before the jolted into action at the mare’s look of anger.

Some went to talk to the mare, having already decided on the weapon they wanted to use. Others went to seek the advice of the paladins. Some milled about, talking to each other about. Just Duty was of the last group. They had all went to the racks to check the weapons. Just Duty ignored the blades all together and wander over to where the spears were. None stood out, and he checked the next rack; finding a set of halberds. He hefted several and, while feeling almost right in his hooves, none were still close. He was about to just pick one at random, but then he glimpsed one last weapon rack.

The rack didn’t have a single pony near it and looked to be barely used. It appeared to him as he got closer that this rack and its weapons were only used as they hauled out for this, and then ignored for the rest of the year.

He hefted the largest of the warhammers and was reminded of all the heavy lifting he had to do back on the farm, and of the scythes they used to harvest. This felt right in his hooves as he swung it around, at first just some waves to feel out the balancing. Then swung it like how he’d imagined a warrior would, ending with slamming it into the mud; the strike echoing around court yard. “Well trainee, it appears you’ve found your weapon,” said an older stallion who’d approached while Just Duty was lost in testing his choice. “Your grip is wrong. You want to grip here and here,” he continued, holding his hammer out so make his point clear. “This will give you more leverage on the hammer, and allow for greater striking force,” he finished, punctuating his point by slamming his hammer into the ground but with a much louder echo.

Just Duty found himself drawn back to the present by the echoing of the fight. He knocked the beast back and adjusted his hold of the warhammer as his mind quickly worked its way through the basic attack patterns of the warhammer. He stepped back into the attack and forced the beast onto the defensive from the newfound power and speed of his own attacks.

This battle wouldn’t be much longer, he felt, ducking under an erratic swing from the creature. He studied it, parrying or out right dodging its strikes. Its attacks were erratic, like the beast was on the edge of panicking or it was losing its fine control. The rest of its movements were becoming more and more sluggish and defensive. especially around areas Just Duty had recently hit. He found himself reminded of another ending: specifically of his first stage of training.

“After today, none of you will be simple trainees. You’ll be paladins; not full paladins, but you will be paladins. Today you’ll all be assigned to finish the last bit of your training by mentoring under full paladins and follow them around as they fulfill their duties. Go and do us proud,” the mare finished before trotting away. The paladins walked forward, collecting their understudies before fanning out.

“And so we meet again,” a familiar stallion said, walking up to Just Duty. “I don’t believe I introduced myself last time. My name is Justified Means. You will be following me to finish your training. We’ve got much to discuss, so please follow along. The sooner we get out outfitted, the sooner you can become a full paladin.” Just Duty followed, trying to soak up everything his mentor had to say.

He remembered one of the first things he’d learned from Justified Means. He planted his rear legs and shifted his grip to the end of his hammer’s handle and, with a final swing given all of his strength, he slammed the hammer’s head into the beast. With a crunch, the beast was sent flying back, skipping and bouncing along the ground until it came to a rest. He carefully plodded up to the beast and poked it with his hammer. Once sure it was down, he stood next to it and looked back the way he’d came, up the slope towards the town. “Brilliant finishing move, Just. Knock it further down the mountain away from where you need to drag it back to.”

* * *

Just Duty walked up onto the stage before the cheering crowd. Normally he’d have disappeared long before an award ceremony could have organized. Apparently, however, having been basically trapped in the town left the ponies with little to do but survive and plan the party for whoever frees them. He’d tried to get out of attending by citing his fatigue and injuries, and that no reward was needed. However, the mare’s grip and insistence were stronger than steel. He gave up on trying when he was introduced to the Kingspony who’d been sent to deal with an issue in the town.

Just Duty stood to the side as the pony at the podium finished up their speech. In the meantime, he studied the Kingspony: representatives with the authority to speak and act directly of the king’s will. They were sent when the king took personal interest in seeing something dealt with. He stood on the stage as well, likely as bored if not more than Just Duty was. The pony at the podium finished what they were saying and stood aside, motioning for him to come forward.

He moved to stand in front of the podium and recalled what his mentor had taught him about speeches. “As a paladin, I’m not one for speeches like this. Normally I accept a small thanks, refill my adventuring provisions, and quietly leave. However, Crescent Pie’s insistence, and grip,” the crowd chuckled as the mare in question blushed, “were enough to convince me it’d be better if I stayed.” He surveyed the crowd for a few seconds. “I appreciate your thanks, but I must insist it’s not needed. I’m just doing what is right: what I’ve been trained to do. I’ve heard that there will be a party in my honor later tonight. For fear of facing Crescent's iron grip, I’ll stay for it, but I must leave in the morning.” With that, he stood aside and allowed for another pony to step up, and judging from the looks from most of the crowd, this one was going to be long winded.

He listened for as long as he could but, eventually, even he tuned out the pony speaking. He studied the Kingspony for a while; the two watching each other until even that grew uninteresting and he found himself staring out into the crowd. Most looked like they shared his sense of boredom. Some still glanced at him happily, silently thanking him for his service or looking at him in awe. A few of the mares looked at him with a look of longing or interest. Then his eyes locked on a small group of ponies glaring at him. He remembered them: they were a small group of mercenaries. They had been protecting the town, keeping it free of the beast. But they wouldn’t go out after it saying it was too dangerous and that they’d need more help to defeat it. Then he’d showed up and done alone what they said was impossible as a group.

Their glares brought back something his mentor had said to him after they’d just finished dealing with a town’s bandit problem. They had been walking along the main road amongst the celebrating inhabitants. But every now and then some of the ponies they’d pass would obviously glare at them from the alleyways and backs of crowds.

“So you’ve finally noticed their eyes, have you,” Justified Means had said. “I know, you wish to ask why. Well, first I ask you: what do you notice about them?”

“Their clothes if any are simple and heavily worn, dirty, and,” Just Duty had hesitated before carrying on, “they appear as if they are not getting enough food.”

“Most are likely beggars or poor. There might be a richer pony in there, but I doubt it this time,” Just Duty’s mentor said as they walked. “Now you can ask why do they glare at us.” Just Duty looked at one with a particularly harsh glare before he finally asked the question. “They glare at us, because, in the short term, we’ve made their lives harder. The bandits were likely paying them to act as additional lookouts during some of their quieter work in the town. They will be forced to rely on begging as their only source of coin for food and water once more. Looking at the immediate future, we’ve made their lives harder, but in the long term they will come to thank us.”

“Why will they owe us thanks in the future?” Just Duty asked.

“Because we’ve stopped the bandits from causing serious harm to this town: either by accident like starting a fire that rips through the city, or on purpose by, say a massive town wide raid, or assisting an enemy army in an assault. Any of those events would likely end with their deaths in some manner, so yes, in the short term we’ve made it harder. But in the long term, they will still have a town to beg in. You must remember this.” Justified Means stopped his apprentice to look him right in his eyes. “Not every pony you save will thank you for the good you do; at least not right away. In time they may come to realize how you’ve helped them, and thank you then. But maybe they never will.” Just Duty’s eyes followed his mentor as he turned to continue walking, leading his eyes right into that of the harsh glare of a pony, drawing him back into present day as he looked into similar eyes.

He’d returned from his memories just in time for the long winded pony to finally run out of wind and motion for the Kingspony to move up next to the podium. “In short, Paladin, as a thank you for saving our town. We would like to offer you it’s mayorship.” The paladin’s eyes instantly shot opened and he looked at the pony in front of the podium. His eyes then swung over to look at the Kingspony, who nodded before he stepped forward.

“The offer has the full backing of the crown,” the stallion said ,looking at Just Duty. “I was sent here to deal with the situation created when the last mayor disappeared during a bandit attack. Considering the importance of the trade coming through here, the king sent me to fill in until a new mayor could be found. I’m familiar with some of your deeds, and who could lead a town justly better than a paladin?” Just Duty stood frozen in surprise and indecision; never having expected to have received the offer he’d just gotten at any point in his life. He tore his gaze away from the Kingspony to look across the crowd and all of the hopeful faces. Of course, his thought began, they wish for their hero to stay and lead them. Who could lead better than a hero? He closed his eyes and quickly went through one of the mental routines he’d learned to recover from his mental turmoil. When he finally opened his eyes, he turned to face the crowd squarely and cleared his throat.

“I am deeply honored by this display of respect and thanks from all of you. This offer has, I must admit, taken me by surprise. A rare feat.” He paused to let a few chuckles pass through the crowd. “I must also admit, it is the first time an offer like this has been presented to me, and offer of a type I, as a paladin, never expected. And as such, I cannot accept it.”A wave of disappointment began to spread through the crowd before he raised a hoof to signal he had more to say. “I cannot accept it without giving it due thought. You shall all have your answer at the party tonight,” he finished, nodding to the crowd and then the Kingspony, and then left the stage to go back to the room he’d been granted in the local hotel to think.

* * *

Just Duty sat on his bed, packing away the last of the items he used to clean his armor; something he had a tendency to do when he needed to think, and now was certainly a time he had to think. Thirty years of traveling, questing and saving ponies towns and kingdoms. And today was the first time he’d ever been offered anything like this. Usually it was just assumed that the paladin would show up right the wrongs, then be gone the next morning with nothing but a simple resupply.

“And yet here I sit with a town at my hooves,” he muttered quietly. Tradition suggests that I do as I have been trained to: a simple refill of supplies and turn down any further rewards. He sighed and rummaged through his bag for the tattered pile of paper and parchment that was his notes from training to be a paladin. He pulled them out carefully and leafed through those that remained. When he found the page he’d been looking for, he studied it carefully before a sigh of frustration slipped through his mouth. Of course I should have known the answer wouldn’t have been that simple or easy to find. He shoved the page on acceptable rewards back, having found it useless: only talking about gold and other smaller tangible things.

“As a paladin, I could lead them justly and continue to protect them. My influence wouldn’t have to just end at the town’s limits as well. Nor would it, for I’d be making trade safe for this area and other near by towns,” he reasoned aloud. “Of course, I’d have to take on mayoral duties. I couldn’t be away all of the time, and I’d likely not be able to see justice done on the far side of the kingdom, or even leave the kingdom.” He paused for a moment, considering what he’d said. “I’d be anchored to this location. I’d always have to return to it and…” his words trailed off as he’d realized something deeply disturbing to him. “I’d have to give up being a paladin in name,” he finally said after a few moments. He glanced at his notes, finding the page remarking that a paladin must be able to travel freely to see evil defeated, wherever it was.

“Thirty years of training and studying under a mentor, along with all of the time I’ve spent as a full paladin allowed to operate alone, all thrown away,” he muttered, shaking his head about to make his decision before the aches of the battle that morning distracted him. “Time is the greatest betrayer: in small amounts it is to your benefit, but with enough of it, it turns against you,” he mimicked the words of Justified Means.

That caused him to think of his mentor. He’d already been old by the time he’d been apprenticed under him. When he’d finally earned the right to call himself a paladin and strike out on his own, Justified Means had been ancient, but still he trotted out to the fields of battle and continued to fight, reminding Just Duty he still had many more years of doing good. But maybe not as many as you’d like, a voice rang through his head; the voice of his mentor. Do you not remember how my time as a paladin ended?

The words brought the memory of the leader of the party of adventurers running to catch up to him, a bundle clutched in his minotaur hand. He’d remembered the sad look the minotaur's face wore, and the tone of regret mixed with resignation as he’d explained they’d found a note addressed to him along with this bundle of stuff next to a dead stallion.

The note had been from Justified Means, it was short as was usual from the stallion. He had better things to do than scrawl ink on paper. It was a simple note talking about how proud he was to have mentored him and how when next they’d meet, he’d have to tell him in great detail about the town he was going to rescue. As best as the adventurers could figure, Justified Means had tried to overthrow the bandits who’d seized control of the town himself, and was killed in the ensuing fight. The bandits had then just thrown the body in a ditch somewhere and carried on. The adventurers had only found him by accident, which lead them to the town where they’d saved. They then took Justified Means back to the paladins’ stronghold and set out to bring the news and a bundle of gear the older stallion had stated that upon his death would be given to Just Duty.

“Time had finally caught up with you hadn’t it?” Just Duty said quietly, looking at the artifact hammer his mentor had left for him. “Will I end up like you? Questing until the day I fail, and force someone else to finish what I’d started?” He looked out the window to the town. “Or perhaps… Perhaps there is a way I can continue to do good until the very day I die, and leave no evil for others to remove?” He sat quietly, working through the thoughts in his mind one at a time, and carefully considering the options and results laid out before him.

Finally, his decision made, he stood up and penned a quick message he was going to entrust the Kingspony to deliver for him to the monastery fortress. Once done, he lit a candle to melt the wax for him to seal the message; as the wax melted he pulled his personal seal out. A blob of hot wax hit the envelope and he quickly punched his seal into it, confirming that it was his words and his alone in the letter. He then set the seal on the floor and with a fluid motion smashed it with the hammer, severing his ties to the order. He gazed at the pieces, a small feeling of regret drifted through his body before he picked up the letter and left to join the party, to deliver his answer to his towns ponies.

Origins Chapter: Bael

Darkness.

That was all the green orb was aware of. Endless, empty darkness. Well, not truly empty. The only light in the endless pit of nothingness was the inherent glow of the orb itself and the waving strings that represented the thoughts and memories of the being the orb dwelled within. The strings came in every shade and color imaginable, undulating and glowing in the darkness, casting off their own bit of light. They brushed against each other, firing off impulses and words that could be heard all around. The orb was only mildly aware of what was outside the darkness. It couldn’t see or feel or smell or touch, but it could hear.

If only it could not hear what was being said.

“Hey! You!” the purple stallion bawled. “Yes, you! Get your sorry tail over here so I can kick you right in your frilly fishy dress!”

“He just won’t shut up about the damn fish or his nose,” the orb muttered, taking its attention off the threads of thought and memory to complain. “This is getting old. The purple idjit keeps complaining about every little thing! If this keeps going, I’m going to start taking liberties.” With that, the orb went back to sifting through memories, looking for a proper form that was more impressive than a simple dwarf in the flask appearance.

A thread moved closer and touched the orb, creating an image that flashed in the blackness. A tall, blonde haired, two-legged being was sitting on a pink armchair, its shoulders covered in pink feathers while its torso and legs were clothed in an open white shirt and orange leggings respectively. Pink glasses covered the being’s eyes and a wide grin stretched its face. Words flashed across the green orb’s conscience and it hummed.

“Don Quixote Doflamingo, a Shichibukai, and Bearer of the String-String Fruit,” the orb mused. “Intelligent, ruthless, and a master of schemes. I’ll take it. Without the appearance though. And I’ll use the strings.” The image dissipated and the orb selected another thread after a short perusal. Another image sprung to life in the darkness, this time of another bipedal figure who was skeletal in bearing, but thinner than Doflamingo looked. However, this one was grey in color and bound by chains, containing it. Red wax markers held strips of parchment in place. Again, words flashed and the orb spoke.

“Cherubael, a daemonhost under Inquisitor Gregor Eisenhorn’s control. Eh...I’ll just use the appearance. Without the anorexia. And I’ll take the last part of the name.”

Once more, the image disappeared, leaving the orb to select one more thread. It did so, pulling one last memory towards itself.

This time, a mountain of a man appeared, scars covering his bare torso. Like Doflamingo, he wore something around his shoulders, a white coat that hung to his ankles. A black bandana covered his skull and a white crescent sat on his upper lip. A large polearm topped with a single edged blade was in the man’s hand.

“Edward ‘Whitebeard’ Newgate, Captain of the Whitebeard Pirates, Strongest Man in the World, one of the Four Emperors, and Bearer of the Tremor-Tremor Fruit… Huh… I’ll definitely use his strength.”

The final image vanished and the orb set about creating his body for when he was released from his confinement. Without warning, there was a popping and a mismatched creature appeared beside the orb.

“Y’know, I’m actually regretting bringing him,” Discord said. “If I knew he was this whiny, I’d have picked somepony else.”

“Ah, the god returns,” the orb snarked. “How long before you let me out? I’m getting tired of this git’s brain.”

“In due time, little one,” Discord chided patiently, patting the top of the orb.

“Seriously?” the orb grumbled. “Size is relative here. I could inflate to encompass this entire space if I wanted.”

“But you can’t, because you’re still underpowered,” Discord countered. “Just a little bit longer and you can go on your merry way of chaos and angst.” With that, the draconequus popped away, leaving the orb to its thoughts and the ramblings of Purple Heart.

“Somehow, I think this plan won’t end in the way you hope,” the orb said, setting its attention to what was occurring outside while letting its form resume solidifying and shaping. From what it could hear, Purple Heart was growing angrier and angrier with every passing word behind its back from the three mares. The orb sighed in exasperation and eyed its completed form. It shoved itself inside, taking control of the husk and opened its eyes.

“It’s time to do something about this,” Bael murmured, grasping at a stray thought. His fist tightened on the strand, making its color change from a warm red to a sickly green. He tossed it skyward, letting the thought take hold. And Purple Heart snapped. Bael grinned as he listened to the rage in the purple earth pony’s voice.

“Do not think you can fool me, princess,” the purple earth pony hissed softly, loud enough for Amber to hear, but low enough to keep Fluttershy and Rarity in the dark. “You may have them convinced that you’re just a scullery maid on holiday with your lady, but not me. I can see that you’re royalty. The way you walk, how you hold yourself, even how you talk behind a pony’s back all scream royalty. I would not be opposed to fighting in your arena. We might even visit your city on our travels, wherever it is. But know this: I wasn’t given a choice on this quest. So if you believe that I shall just roll over let you bluebloods walk over me, you are greatly mistaken.”

Bael grinned, his new teeth glinting in the darkness from the light of the threads as his eyes stared around at the chances for embarrassment of his host.

“This should be amusing,” he murmured to himself. “Yes, I could stay here and be entertained. Messing with thoughts, providing suggestions. I could even look into foxes.”

An abrupt darkness fell on Bael, blanketing the Purple Barbarian’s mind. The newly created form frowned in confusion and tried to tap into Purple Heart’s senses. Nothing. Nothing, but a whisper.

“Ya knocked ‘im out!”

Bael blinked in surprise before a grin split his face once more.

“Which is better?” he mused out loud. “Changing his thoughts from within or setting the world against him from without… Not much of a manipulator, so I’ll do the latter.” With that, he looked above and jumped, shrinking to his orb form and escaping the mind of Purple Heart. Bael hovered above the treetops, watching silently as a purple earth pony was carried away along with guarded mares.

His interest sated, Bael departed, heading to begin his plans of creation and chaos.

* * *

“I think I might have jumped the gun,” Bael grumbled as he strode through the countryside, avoiding every and any pony he came across. “Being one of two sentient bipedal creatures in all the land is not conducive of a smart choice. I’m definitely not one of the most inconspicuous things walking these forests.” He continued grumbling under his breath as he walked, thoughts whirling about in an attempt to decide his next course of action. His primary task as laid down by that god-being was simple: antagonize Purple Heart until he reaches his maximum growth. It was simple in understanding, yet difficult in implementation.

For one, Bael had no idea where Purple Heart was. It made the enacting of the plan to antagonize and initiate growth in the purple earth pony rather difficult to accomplish. So, his course of action was simple.

“Create an organization under my command to track and observe,” Bael mused to himself. “Not exactly a spy group, but a gathering of ponies to carry out my will and follow my orders. Why ponies? Because they seem to be the only other sentient race in this blasted land.” The grey biped sighed, green eyes casting skyward to gaze at the clouds overhead.

“The question of making ponies subservient to my will is ‘how’,” he murmured. “How do I influence the mind of a pony so that they follow my command...” He resumed his walking, mulling the thought over as he moved. He thought back to his brief stay inside Purple Heart’s mind. A frown creased his brow as he remembered the well of magic that the purple earth pony possessed, yet seemed unwilling to tap into. From what he’d seen of Purple Heart’s fighting strength, the stallion only seemed to utilize his physical prowess. If this was the case, then Purple Heart hadn’t reached his full potential. Bael rolled his eyes. He’d have to find a way to make the purple earth pony utilize his magic if he wanted to be free of this task...

Bael paused in his stride as a thought arose. He wondered if other ponies possessed a similar reservoir of magic. Unicorns obviously had one. They actively used magic daily. Pegasi and earth ponies though...if they had magic of an inherent and mildly dormant nature, it was conceivable that he could access that unconsciously used power to bind ponies to him.

“I wonder what my power will do to the active magic used by unicorns...” Bael mused aloud. He turned and lengthened his strides, eating up ground as he walked swiftly through the forest towards the nearest population of ponies.

* * *

Bael frowned as he watched his subordinates go about their day to day tasks under the mountain. His plan had borne fruit rather swiftly in his opinion. The pegasi and earth ponies of the small village he’d found had been susceptible to his power and changed easily, their own sleeping magic turning against them and binding them to his command. The ranks of his daemon-ponies swelled with each passing day as initiates were found in the outlying villages of the kingdom of Roania. On his orders, Bael’s recruiters never ranged closer to the center of the country where the heart of the kingdom lay along with its more prestigious citizens. His frown was because of this. If he were to expand further into the kingdom, the ponies would certainly discover his presence. Thus, he was restricted to the hamlets, the border villages that only provided taxes for the kingdom’s stuffy peerage and nothing beyond that. Save of course the occasional villager who departed for the interior, hoping to make a name for themselves.

However, there was another reason for his dark expression. His attempt to gather magic users to his banner had met a roadblock. His initial thoughts and concerns regarding the effect his power would have on unicorns with active magic had proven correct. Apparently, only one type of magic was allowed in a body. At least, one active type of magic. The first unicorn he exposed his power to had immediately cried in pain. Bael couldn’t help but stare in grim fascination as the unicorn’s magic revolted, trying to protect its host from the power Bael wielded. When the unicorn lay dead before him, Bael decided against turning any more unicorns. There was no point in continuing the procedure on other unicorns if the effect would remain the same: wasted time and power, and a corpse that would have to be disposed of.

His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of a daemon earth pony. It bowed its head in greeting and looked up at the grey figure sprawled across his throne.

“My lord,” the stallion rumbled, his voice deep and jarring. “The purple earth pony you seek has finally been found.”

Bael’s frown immediately vanished and he sat up straight on his throne. His clawed toes clicked against the stone floor of the cavern as he stood, blinking down at the pony.

“Where?” he demanded shortly.

“In the dungeon of Gallopilli’s castle, the capital of Roania,” the pony replied.

Bael blinked once and swore in anger and irritation. Of course the pony he was looking for was in the one place he couldn’t go without revealing himself. With a sigh, he settled back onto his throne and rested his jaw on a fist as he considered his options. He could send daemon-ponies to observe and report back on Purple Heart, but that wouldn’t allow for quick response if the purple earth pony was in danger, something that only Bael was allowed to foist upon the stallion. Abducting Purple Heart was out of the question as well, as his personal growth would be halted. The only real option was to let Purple Heart prove himself enough to be released.

Bael frowned in consideration and looked at the stallion who’d told him of this news. “What is the purple earth pony’s fate?” he asked.

“He is to fight to prove his worth in the coliseum,” the stallion replied swiftly. Bael’s countenance took on a thoughtful expression. Fighting in the arena would certainly incite growth in the stallion. If not personal growth, then he would grow in strength. And maybe even learn to harness his inner magic. However, spectating wasn’t always the best way to gauge one’s strength. Eventually, Bael would have to send a pony to actually witness or participate in the selection of battles Purple Heart would be faced with.

Bael hummed in thought as he considered his options. Sending a spectator who wasn’t connected to him wouldn’t arouse suspicion, but it would make conversing all the more difficult along with the potential for betrayal. On the other hand, sending a daemon-pony would allow for the opposite: quick, timely reports and loyalty, but increased risk of discovery.

The only other course of action that Bael could take would be to slip a gladiator amongst those in the Coliseum to actually fight against Purple Heart. He’d have to find a pony skilled in fighting and one that would arouse the least suspicion from the Coliseum overseers. Then, he’d arm them, concealing their appearance with heavy armor before binding them to him. Before his thoughts strayed too far, Bael settled his gaze on the pony who had brought him the original message.

“I have a task for you,” Bael said, deciding on the spot what to do. “Are you willing to bind yourself to me, to be my right hand, my Will upon the Earth?”

The pony jerked in surprise at being addressed, astonishment clear on its youthful features. It’s expression cleared after a moment as it considered Bael’s offer. After several seconds of thoughtful silence, the stallion raised its head and looked Bael directly in the eyes.

“I am, my lord,” he replied.

Bael smiled and flicked a finger at the stallion, connecting them to one another with a string of green energy..

“Welcome,” Bael greeted, sending a pulse of power into the pony who collapsed to the floor as armor and power cloaked him in an emerald cocoon, “Grim Hammer.”

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

Origins Chapter: Holdfast

A young stallion paced the halls of Gallopilli. For the seventh time that day, he checked his appearance in the reflection of a window. He wondered if his straw-yellow mane was cut too short, if his white robes were cut too long, or if he was thinking about it too hard.

“Count Holdfast?”

The stallion whirled about to find a rust-colored royal guardspony standing at attention behind him, a grim expression on his face. “Sir Glorious,” Holdfast said with a nod. “I have seen your exploits in the coliseum many times. I look forward to seeing your next victory.”

“Thank you, sir,” Melee Glorious said with a bow of his head, “but I have been reassigned by order of the king to his guard.”

“Well, congratulations. It is good to know that your talents are being recognized.”

“Thank you.” Holdfast stepped past the guardspony. “Best of luck to you, Sir Glorious.”
Melee saluted the snow-white stallion. “And you, Count.” His serious expression turned even more grim as Holdfast passed through the gate-like doorway. “I feel you will need it more than I.”

Holdfast turned back. “Wha-” Before he could finish, the door swung shut; the sound of its closing echoing down the throne room hall. He turned back, tilting his head up slightly to view the throne on its raised dais.

On the throne was a pony who lived up to his name. A giant of an earth pony, perched on a throne of antique greatwood and ornate wrought iron. His grey coat and white mane stood in stark contrast to his piercing purple eyes; currently focused in on Holdfast like a bird of prey eyeing a rabbit. “Aye?” he asked, the words little more than a growl that carried numerous hidden threats within.

Holdfast began to wonder if he should have become a cobbler, like his mother wanted.

“Approach the throne of King Behemoth, lord of House Tarponyen, sovereign ruler of Roania,” a young dark blue pegasus said, appearing at Holdfast’s side. The colt couldn’t have been any older than Holdfast was, and likely much younger, and yet Holdfast followed his command as if it came from the King himself.

Holdfast knelt at the foot of the dais, his eyes locked on the ground in front of him. “My lord Behemoth,” he said, praying to any gods that might be listening that his voice stayed strong. “I come as an envoy from the town of Roads Crossed, and humbly request your wise judgement on a matter.”

Behemoth waved a massive hoof dismissively, taking a full wine glass from a servant. “Go on.”

“My lord, our town has been plagued by bandits for many months. Our hunters have tracked their camp to our southern forests, but their numbers are too great for the guardsponies.” Holdfast hesitated. “We humbly request the assistance of the-”

The sound of shattering glass interrupted the young stallion. He looked up to see shards of the now empty wine glass scattered about, as if tossed carelessly. Behemoth leaned forward in his throne, his face stony and expressionless. “Well?”
Holdfast swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry. “We humbly request the assistance of the kingdom to rid us, and the realm, of this menace.”

“Hmm…” Behemoth settled back in his seat. “Know you of the struggle to the north?”

“My lord?”

“Answer the question, boy.”

Holdfast flinched as if struck by the earth pony’s words. Of course he knew. Everypony in the kingdom knew. “The United Kingdom of Phloren-Ghuilder has requested-”

“Requested?” The laugh that came from the king was humorless. “They’ve demanded our land under threat of war. The kingdom’s eyes and swords are turned to the north, and you ask for help with a few bandits?”

Holdfast was really beginning to wish he had become a cobbler. “They threaten our livelihood, my lord,” he said, his mind spinning in an attempt to create a persuasive enough argument that didn’t get his head chopped off. “Should war come, would it not be better to have healthy reserves of gold, food, and ponies from our town, rather than what we have left after the bandits take their fill?”

Behemoth scratched an itch on his side. “Bastion,” he said, not looking at either of the ponies before him, “where is that brother of yours?”

The blue pegasus stepped forward and bowed his head. “Boomer is at his lessons, my lord.”

“Off making deals with unsuspecting merchants of ill repute, you mean,” the king said. He took a new wine glass from a new servant. “Send him with some guards to deal with the bandits.”

Holdfast’s heart lightened to the point he thought it might work its way out through his throat, but paused when he saw the dour expression on Bastion’s face. “How many guards?” Bastion asked.

Behemoth grumbled something around his rapidly draining glass. “As many as it takes,” he said finally.

A question nagged at the back of Holdfast’s mind, even as he watched Bastion nod and turn away. “Thank you, my lord,” the snow-white stallion said, “but forgive me. When you say ‘deal with the bandits’, what do you mean?”

Glass cracked and shattered between Behemoth’s forehooves, leaving a sharp point of the glass’ stem behind. “Burn them all.”

“My lord, with all due respect, but that part of the forest is where our town harvests much of our food. A fire there would-”

“There are other towns to supply gold, food, and ponies, boy,” Behemoth said, tossing the sharpened point of glass away. “When war is coming, a king deals with his problems quickly. Go back to your town and tell them to find food elsewhere.” The corners of the king’s mouth turned up slightly; a motion that did not reach his eyes. “And be ready with water, of course. Fire is notorious for being unable to tell the difference between loyal citizens and treacherous bandits. Now go.”

After a moment of stunned silence, Holdfast was led away by Bastion and found himself outside of the throne room’s doors. “Well?” Melee Glorious asked from his post at the door.

Holdfast looked back at the doors, his jaw set tight. “If I were king-”

“Ponies like you or I shall never be one,” Melee cut him off. “Without the royal blood in your veins, you may as well ask to be a dragon.” He bowed his head. “With all due respect, Count Holdfast, somepony like you will never be king.”

Holdfast thought for a moment. “No, you’re right,” he said eventually. “But somepony like me can get very close.”

Melee raised an eyebrow. “How close?”

Holdfast turned, walking at a brisk pace away from the throne room. “Right behind the throne.”

* * *

“The most honorable Holdfast, ambassador to United Kingdom of Phloren-Ghuilder!”

Holdfast entered the throne room at a swift, yet controlled, trot. Age had set streaks of white through his mane and the experience that came with it had eliminated any signs of discomfort around life in Gallopilli. He stopped at the foot of the dias and bowed. “My king.”

“Holdfast.” Bastion sat on the throne; straight backed, eyes sharp. The crown of Roania sat on his head. “What news from the north?”
With a shake of his head, Holdfast stood back up. “I’m afraid my title may need some adjustment, my lord. The once United Kingdom has fractured. Phloren and Ghuilder are separate nations once again.”

“Is that so?”

“It is, my lord. The death of the queen and her heir has dissolved their mutual claim to the throne. They are as separate to each other now as we are from them.”

King Bastion’s eyes hardened. “And you know nothing of the killer responsible, I assume?”

A smirk crossed Holdfast’s face for a moment before resettling. “My king, we both know I am no killer.”

“No, but you know a great number of them.”

“My lord!” Holdfast said with mock surprise, the sound of soft hooffalls from behind the throne approaching the king’s side. “This is hardly a topic to discuss in front of your sister and her young princess, wouldn’t you agree?”
Bastion turned in his throne. The hooffalls stopped as Princess Vale Blossom stood at his side; the exhaustion on her face not detracting from her beauty in the slightest. A handmaiden carried a young filly—barely more than a month old—with her magic, standing slightly behind the queen. Bastion’s expression softened for a moment, before he turned back to Holdfast again. “Your report is appreciated, Holdfast. Leave us.”

“My lord.” Holdfast bowed. He started to turn back to the throne room door, but paused. “Have you decided on a name for your daughter, my lady?”

Bastion’s eyes narrowed. The fact that he didn’t trust Holdfast with any personal information was obvious enough on his features. The princess, however, seemed to have no such qualms. “Amber,” she said cheerfully. “Amber Glitter.”
Holdfast smiled. “A lovely name. Good day, my lady. My lord.”

The throne room doors closed behind him. Holdfast sighed, more contented than concerned. He nodded to the royal guards standing outside as he passed by, making his way down to the archives. It wasn’t that he had any particular information he wanted to get there, but the archives kept records of what had happened in Gallopilli in the time he had been away. There were… plans he had in motion, and he needed to see their progress.

After a short conversation with the keeper of the records, Holdfast sat down with a ledger of trades and purchases within the capital. According to the trends he was seeing, his investment in building supplies last time he was here would be paying off soon enough.
He paused. According to these records, there were under seven-hundred magical weapons in store for the royal guard. However, checking back a week, there had been a purchase of over a thousand such weapons from unicorn smiths in the south. “Now where would three-hundred enchanted blades just vanish to…” he muttered.

“Is that the start of some sort of joke?” The voice of a stallion behind Holdfast caused him to turn. An ash-colored earth pony leaned against one of the racks of scrolls and records, his body covered in the finest velvets and metals. “If it is, I’m afraid I don’t know how to answer.”

“Lord Boomer.” Holdfast stood and bowed his head. “Just some idle musings, I’m afraid. It’s been some time since I was last in Gallopilli, I thought I’d catch up on some investments.” He paused. The smile on Boomer’s face was one the snow-white stallion knew well: it was the one when the young lordling wanted something. “How can I help you, my lord?”

“You know me so well, ambassador.” Boomer stepped up to Holdfast and lowered his voice. “Where exactly do your loyalties lie, Holdfast?”
Holdfast’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Why, the good of the kingdom, of course.”

“A good answer. As expected by a diplomat.” Boomer took a seat in the chair Holdfast had abandoned. “And who do you think would be a better ruler of Roania? Me? My brother? Or our sister?”

“I’m sure each of you would be equally excellent-”

“I’m not asking the diplomat anymore, Holdfast.” The humor had left Boomer’s eyes. “I’m asking the stallion who’s not afraid to get his hooves dirty. The stallion who knows how to get things done.”

* * *

“Chancellor?”

Holdfast looked up from his letters, a pair of well-worn glasses perched on his well-worn face. Standing at the other side of his desk was a young mare, shifting uncomfortably in his presence. “Yes?”

The mare pulled at her collar. “I, uh… You asked for any new records regarding the royal family?”

Holdfast raised an eyebrow, clearing space from his desk. “You found something?”

“Well, not directly, but you mentioned a shipment of missing weapons you had found a few years ago?”

“A few decades, but I suppose at this point it’s a moot point. Continue.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to say-” She paused, seeing the smirk forming at the corners of Holdfast’s mouth. “Well, anyway, I found more records of weapons going missing.”

“And? All records are inaccurate. It’s the problem with having ponies in charge of them.”

“Yes, but…” The mare shifted again. “Well, the weapons stop going missing right at the time Lord Boomer…”

Holdfast stopped. “Ah, I see.” He tapped the cleared space on his desk with a smile. “Leave the records here. I’ll review them and bring them to the King’s attention.”

The mare grinned. “Thank you, Chancellor, sir.” She set her scrolls on the desk, bowed, and left. Holdfast waited until she had left, then sighed. With one sweep of his forehoof, the new scrolls fell straight into the refuse can.

“No need to bring that time up,” he muttered, picking up the letters he’d been reading before the interruption. One letter was from Roads Crossed; it seemed that bandits were building up again. Holdfast sighed, pushing the letter aside along with the memories of the last time bandits threatened his hometown.

The next letter was from one of his agents across Roania, saying that tension was building between the nobility of Ghuilder and Phloren, and that war could be forced at any time. Holdfast smirked. With war on the horizon, Bastion would be compelled to regain the lands lost by his father. Once that happened, Holdfast could call to have the tyrant removed from power, and with Vale dead, Boomer removed from the inheritance, and the child Amber missing, that would make the Chancellor the effective Steward of Roania.
Finally, with the royal family out of the way, he could finally fix the problems with the nobility and kingdom. It hadn’t been easy to rise from diplomat to next-in-line, and he wasn’t proud of how he got there, but once he was in power he could make up for it.

A shining ball of light phased through the window panes behind him, merging through his back into his chest. Holdfast straightened up, his muscles tensed. Eventually, he relaxed with a sigh. His eyes turned to the fireplace, where logs burned to take the chill out of the stone room. “Yes,” he muttered. “Once I’m in power, I can…” He trailed off, his eyebrows narrowing. “I can…”

Holdfast grinned as he tossed the letter into the fireplace. The flames licked at the corners and consumed all evidence of his plan. “I can get exactly what I am owed.” He sighed in contentment as he pushed the letter further into the flames with a poker. “Now, I suppose that nice young mare will need to meet with an unfortunate accident…”

Author's Note

Author: Wits End

Chapter 87: One Colt, Two Colt, Red Colt, Blue Colt

“No, the other part,” Twilight said. “I have a plan.”

* * *

Discord sat in his self-made command tent, gazing down at a map of the city of Gallopilli and its surrounding lands as he twirled his mustache, a part of his self-induced costume: a monocle for his left eye, a bright red coat crossed by two white straps across his shoulders, a pith helmet on his head, and a smoking pipe in his clawed hand.
Marks had been made on the map, representing the deployment of enemy forces in the capital, their numbers, his own forces, and the defenders of the city’s keep. Things were not looking good for the draconequus and his merry band of followers.

“Where should we launch our first assault, Lord Discord?” Landed Title asked worriedly.

Discord hummed, mismatched eyes flicking across the map. “We’ll make a massive attack on the main gate,” he decided after a moment of consideration. “My spies say that the gate is in disrepair, thanks to Holdfast’s army breaking through there. It’s unlikely that he’ll have been able to construct and fortify defenses quickly enough to make that spot a more difficult to attack.”

The mare nodded in understanding, giving Discord a small smile. “Shall I prepare the troops?” she inquired.

Discord was silent for a moment as he looked once more at the map. Then he blinked up at Landed Title and nodded.

“Prepare an attack on the main gate,” he commanded. The mare curtseyed clumsily and hobbled away, trying to exit the tent while in her mismatched armor. Just as she reached the tent flap, a young colt came charging in, knocking Landed Title to the ground. A string of indignant curses could be heard from the mare as the newly arrived male pegasus heaved in great breaths of air. He snapped a hurried salute to Discord and spoke.

“Lord Discord!” he squeaked. “News from the scouts! Holdfast’s armor suits-”

“Armoroids,” Discord corrected. The colt blinked and nodded.

“Armoroids,” he resumed. “They’ve been reinforced by members of the Emerald Legion! A tall grey being like yourself leads them to defend the walls of the city!”

Discord blinked. “Eh?” he coughed. “Bael is here? Well, carp.”

The draconequus sat heavily in his chair, idly twirling his mustache as he digested the new information, his stomach inflating as he thought.

“Humm,” he mumbled, eyes sliding shut. “What to do...”

“Young one,” Landed Title rasped, calling for the pegasus scout’s attention. “Help me back up, if you don’t mind.”

“OH!” the colt squeaked. “I’m so sorry, Lady Title!” He darted over to the downed pony and assisted in heaving her back to her hooves. Now righted, she turned to Discord, her gaze questioning.

“Lord Discord?” she called.

No response.

“Lord Discord!”

He snored.

Landed Title sighed. “Honestly,” she growled, pulling off a gauntlet and hurling it at Discord’s sleeping form. “LORD DISCORD!”

The draconequus jerked in surprise when the gauntlet hit him and blinked in awareness. “We’ll make a wall!” he cried, “and the Armoroids will pay for it! No! Better idea! We’ll make a drill to pierce the wall of Ba Sing Se! No! No, no, no! Bestest idea! We’ll make balloon ponies near the north wall, balloon ponies near the south wall to pretend we’ll be attacking there! And then...WE WON’T! BALLOON PONIES FOR EVERYPONY!”

Landed Title stood frozen in surprise until finally she cleared her throat and spoke. “Balloon ponies?” she questioned. Discord nodded his head confidently, his face set in an eager, manic smile.

“Yes! Balloon ponies! Or any kind of fake pony really. Straw ponies, Metal Ponies, Griffon pony spy suits. Any kind of vaguely pony shaped object you can find or make, really. We place them just barely visible, just peaking out from a window. Or hiding around a corner. Throw in some heavy mist or fog from spells or dry ice to obscure them just right and-” Discord kissed the air like a french chef. “-instant army.”

“But why? Why waste time building all of these fake armies rather than spending our time on building siege equipment or engines to break through a single point?” Landed Title asked.

“It’s elementary, my dear Lucy Liu,” Discord said, using his magic to manipulate the map. “We are now officially outnumbered. We actually had a chance with the forces we had. Before Bael’s forces showed up to spoil the party, of course. We could have sieged a section of the wall and would most likely have breached it. But now, our chances of success are blessed. So, we must-”

“Hide and pray the villain’s anger is gone before they find us?” The young colt asked looking worried.

“No, my little coward. I was going to say, ‘cheat like crazy’. Stack all of the decks. Throw all of the dirt in all of the eyes. We must play so underhanded that Mos Eisley is relegated to only the second greatest hive of scum and villainy,” Discord declared. “Hence the fake armies. If we can force the enemy to split his forces up defending various points of the wall, we can focus all of our might on a single point that he hopefully wasn’t defending. We can breach the wall, or we can try to hit two points on the wall simultaneously, but any more than that and we suffer the same issue we’re trying to force our enemy to experience.”

The two ponies blinked at Discord, thinking on the plan he’d just laid out to them. The draconequus waited for their response, mildly apprehensive and extremely impatient. Landed Title spoke, saving Discord the trouble of prompting a response.

“Could be worse,” she said finally. “It has merit.”

“I still say we run and hide,” the colt piped up. He was silenced by a rap upside the head from Landed Title.

“I’ll order the troops to begin construction on the dummy ponies,” Landed Title said. “Do you have enough magic to create some, specifically, at least half of what we need?”

Discord puffed up his chest regally. “Of course I can,” he sniffed, sticking his pipe between his teeth. “Q Discordinton Esquire, Magical Supreme, at your service.” He gave a low bow and smirked at the mare. “Begin construction, m’lady. The Ent- ehm, the Ponies are marching to war!”

* * *

Bael sat on a building’s roof top, green eyes surveying the wall and its defenders arrayed before him. His defenses were sound. Each parapet was guarded by a duo of soldiers; one armor suit, one daemon-pony. The remains of the main gate had been torn down, replaced by stone and mortar to provide a more defensible and stalwart bulwark against outside attack. Bael knew that any attacks would come from this direction. Ideally, the attackers assumed that the gate remained as it was: a rebuilt gate that could be taken and opened. Instead, they’d come upon a plug, a reintegration of the gate as a part of the wall itself.

Rolling to his clawed feet, Bael stretched, working the kinks from his bent back in preparation for any attack that would come. Half an hour ago, a scout had run to him, informing Bael of movement within the trees just beyond the range of his forces’ arrows. Apparently, the False God was preparing an assault on the walls. A smirk curled Bael’s lips, feeling excited apprehension. He could just see the looks of surprise and horror on the False God’s face when he saw the defenses he’d wrought on the main gate. Bael expected the reaction to be similar, if not exactly the same, to the horrified look of surprise the False God had made when his power had been bound and taken.

“Sir!”a demon-pony cried, running up to him. “The enemy army appears to be massing for an assault on the south gate!” Just as this demon pony finished a second one ran up.

“The enemy appears to be preparing to assault the eastern gate.” A third then appeared along with a fourth and a fifth all carrying similar messages of the enemy preparing to attack a different section of the wall. The smirk faded from Bael as he looked at the different messengers in turn, all of them yapping ceaselessly, trying to be heard.

“Silence!” he commanded, glaring at the soldiers. Immediately, they shut up. “One at a time now.” He pointed at the first messenger.

“Enemy forces are massing to attack the southern gate.” The ‘gate’ Bael had rebuilt, the stone bulwark.

He pointed to the next messenger.

“Enemy forces are massing to assault the eastern gate.” So the gate left mostly unguarded with only a skeleton defense. Bael swore under his breath. He’d have to remedy that problem with reinforcements. He gestured to the next messenger.

“The south eastern rampart is under fire from the treeline.” Perhaps a weakening tactic to prepare for a ladder assault. He pointed to the fourth.

“Enemy forces are shelling the northern gate. Literally.” Bael rubbed at his eyes. The northern gate was beside a beachhead that apparently had shells on it. With a sigh, he pointed to the last messenger.

“Enemy forces are massing to attack the northeastern rampart.” Bael blinked. Did the False God even have enough troops to assault five separate positions? A skeptical frown crossed Bael’s face and he scrutinized the grounds beyond the southern plug. There was certainly movement in the trees there. All signs of a preparation for an attack.

Bael made a broad gesture over the heads of the daemon-pony messengers. “Reinforce all points of attack,” he commanded, “except for the Plug. I shall personally lead the defenders there.” Their orders received, the daemon-ponies darted away to complete their tasks. Bael’s frown grew as he thought on the tactics of the False God. Multiple points of attack on multiple fronts didn’t seem within the False God’s capabilities. He had a smaller force, only half the size of Bael’s alone. At most. Either the False God was using a ruse to hide his main attack force.

Or he was stalling.

A feral snarl curled Bael’s lips and he leapt from his rooftop to land on the street below. A spiderweb of cracks radiated outward from where he’d landed. Straightening, Bael made his way to the plug, feeling that the False God’s main attack would be there while the rest of the attacks were merely diversionary.

Once he’d reached the wall, Bael knelt down, flexed his reverse jointed legs, and leapt to the ramparts. He landed once more, lightly this time to the surprise of his troops. He walked to the ramparts’ edge, gazing out at the treeline.

“The False God will attack here!” he boomed to his troops. “Ready yourselves for battle!” His daemon-ponies roared a response while the armor suits merely saluted, clanking a metal hoof to their respective breastplates. Their battle cries fell silent when they heard the trampling of hooves on hard dirt coming from the treeline beyond the wall. The False God’s forces were approaching.

“Stand ready,” Bael ordered, his green eyes flaring with contained rage as he listened to the approaching host. The tramping got louder and louder. The leaves of the trees shivered with each step, some of which fell due to the shaking of the ground. Several of the daemon-ponies almost fled their posts in fear of the approaching host, only to be glared into standing their ground by Bael. He swung his head back to the treeline, watching apprehensively. A figure coalesced in the foliage of the trees, growing larger as it moved closer to the wall. Bael swallowed when he saw the massive barrel of some weapon protruding over the figure’s head.

The figure exited the forest and he could clearly see Discord holding a massive cannon. It was as large as a Minotaur’s bombard, yet it lacked a base. Instead, Discord was holding it with just his hands.

As strong as that weapon could be, there is still only one, Bael thought, relieved. Discord kneeled down putting the weapon over his shoulder and looked down the miniature telescope on its side. Bael ducked behind the crenelations figuring it would be a poor showing if Discord took him out now. After a few seconds of silence, however, he peeked back up just in time to see Discord press a seemingly hidden button causing legs to appear from the device as its barrel lengthened and grew even larger. Bael watched the device in awe as the weapon grew, with a loud thump, it launched its payload.

Bael didn’t have the time to duck behind the crenelations before the weapon’s shot impacted the wall. The foamy substance exploded across the wall in a blanket, causing the stone to get a little more slippery, but ultimately failing to do any damage. Seemingly satisfied, Discord shrunk the weapon again and walked away his humming just faintly audible to Bael back on the wall. Bael observed the new almost wintery state of the fortifications. Several of his troops slipping in the foamy beigish substance. Bael scooped a bit of the substance off his face and studied it closely noticing that its smell reminded him of a bakery he’d passed in the city on his way to the wall. Finally after a few seconds he gave into curiosity and tasted the substance,

“Banana Cream?” Bael questioned.

“I didn’t have anything else, so yeah, Banana Cream,” Discord called over his shoulder. “Enjoy.” He disappeared into the treeline, leaving a bewildered commander and his subordinates on a cream covered wall.

“Wait, wat?” Bael squawked. “That’s it?! Just a cream filled bomb?!” The grey being groaned in irritation.

“Oh, that’s not it,” Discord replied, his voice echoing out from the forest. “My plan was a success.”

Bael frowned, wiping banana cream from his face. “Really?” he sneered. “And what plan was that?”

“Stalling.”

A cry of surprise went up from the northern gate and the sound of combat reached Bael’s ears.

“...Curses,” he swore.

* * *

“We’re lucky that Discord managed to contact us before we did something stupid,” Purple Heart mused as he threw hare after hare towards the parapets of the northern wall. “His plan actually worked.” Fluttershy was standing beside him, healing any wounded ponies or hares that were thrown back.

“I hope everyone survives this,” she said timidly. “I don’t like fighting.”

“‘Shy,” Purple Heart drawled, “you’re absolutely adorable.”

Immediately, the yellow pegasus’ eyes hardened as she glared over her shoulder at the Purple Barbarian. “Is this another one of those ‘waifu’ comments?” she asked darkly.

“Nope!” Purple Heart replied abruptly. “Nothing to do with waifu comments whatso-freaking-ever! No relation at all!”

Eyes narrowing, Fluttershy turned back to the hare she was healing. “It had better not,” she warned. “I’ll tell Wits about it.”

The effect of Fluttershy’s threat was glaringly obvious as a hare hit the wall instead of going over it.

“Yes, ma’am!” Purple Heart squeaked.

Fluttershy nodded, huffing in satisfaction. “Good boy.”

A messenger hare ran up to Purple Heart and saluted sharply. “Purple Bruise sah! The Mismatched One’s forces are distracting the eastern front remarkably well! Word from the top says that the attack is on schedule!”

“Well done,” Purple Heart said weakly, resigned to his new title. “I’ll begin my charge momentarily.”

“Aye sah! Though you should know, the Grey Beast is on the prowl. He heard the fighting from the Plug Spot and is making his way to the northern gate as we speak.”

Purple Heart shivered and groaned. “Looks like I have to capture the gate territory before Bael gets there. Bandai Namco games for the win. Return to your station, sergeant.”

“Aye sah!” The messenger scampered off to his other duties, leaving Purple Heart and Fluttershy.

“Be careful,” Fluttershy urged. “I’ll join you when the gate is taken.”

Purple Heart nodded briskly and charged off. “Legionnaires, to me!” he roared. His waiting troops sprung to action and followed their commander, their banner snapping in the wind overhead. Arrows rained down on them as they bore down on the iron reinforced wooden gate. Legionnaires fell left and right, but they remained stalwart, charging towards the gate, intent on shattering the obstacle. Purple Heart narrowed his eyes, aiming for the center of the two massive doors. Once he’d pulled close enough, he leapt, rearing back his right foreleg.

“Jan Ken Hufu!” he boomed, whirling his right leg forward and smashing its golden glow against the gate. The gate shuddered, but remained firm. Small cracks spread from the point of impact. Purple Heart gritted his teeth and whirled around so that his hind end was facing the gate.

“Nail Kick!” he roared, peppering the wooden obstacle with piercing strikes that weakened the structure. “Push!” The Legionnaires crashed against the gate, setting their combined weight against it. The cracks from Purple Heart’s first attack grew and spread, raising the morale of the Legionnaires. They roared in unison and heaved, crashing a second time against the wooden portal. The cracks grew and spread. In the lull between strikes, hoofsteps could be heard on the other side as the defenders attempted to shore up the gate.

“I think not,” Purple Heart growled. He stood on his hind legs and clapped his front legs together to stop or at least give the defenders pause. “SOOOOOOOOOPEEEEER~!” The defenders fell silent, obviously surprised at the unknown call from beyond the gate.

“ONCE MORE!” Purple Heart called to the Legionnaires. “FURY! JAN KEN HUFU!” The Fury-augmented attack struck the gate and the wood shattered enough for the Legionnaires to ram their way through. Which they did with extreme prejudice. Battlecries reaching to the sky, the Legionnaires broke through and fell upon the Traitor Legion and the armor suits of Holdfast with rage.

“Bludgeon or crush, that’s how you destroy the armor suits!” Purple Heart called as he ran up the stairs of the wall and onto the ramparts. He reached the top, defeating or dislodging defenders as he went, and waved a hoof at the forces beyond the wall. “CHARGE!” The Hares and Discord’s forces roared in response and moved to join the assault.

“Well done, Purple Barbarian,” a voice congratulated. Purple Heart froze and slowly turned to see Bael standing at the edge of the wall, a frown etched into his stony face.

“Bael,” Purple Heart greeted warily.

“You’ve graduated from ‘minor annoyance’ to ‘impertinent gnat’,” Bael said. “Now I’m going to stomp on you.”

“...Carp,” Purple Heart swore as they fell into a tense silence.

* * *

“It’s this way!” Fluttershy directed a squad of the Emerald Legion loyalists through the streets of Gallopilli. While Purple Heart lead the assault to retake the wall with most of the Legionnaires and Legion-hares, the yellow pegasus and half a dozen troops marched on the castle to create a path. “The castle is right this way!”

“We know, lass,” one of the hares said. “It’s a great bloody castle in th’ middle of th’ city.”

“It is literally right there,” a Legionnaire added, pointing a forehoof at the massive castle dominating the skyline.

Fluttershy’s ears drooped. “Oh…”

“Not to worry, Acting Captain Fluttershy!” a giant of a Legionnaire stepped forward, the light of the sun glinting off his bare scalp. “We’ll get to the Queen and your friends! I swear it on the Stronghoof family name! Our legacy stretches back for generations!”

“Ignore him,” the first Legionnaire said softly, leading Fluttershy a bit away from the imposing giant. “He always does things like that. But he’s right about one thing: we’ll get you to your friends, Acting Captain.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Thank you. Let’s not take anymore time, then.”

“‘Bout time,” a second hare shouted. “I’ve got some tiny knives to put to use on those traitors at the gates!”

“Very well!” the giant shouted, the armor around his barrel chest falling to the ground. “I’ll get us there in record time, with the technique passed down the Stronghoof family line for GENERATIONS!” With a roar, the Legionnaire charged straight at the castle, crashing through the walls of buildings between him and his goal.

The remaining members of the squad stared after the path of destruction in silence. “Wow.” A unicorn Legionnaire with a longbow strung over his back whistled as the sounds of breaking masonry faded into the distance. “That… happened.”

“Then let’s take advantage of th’ brute’s exuberance!” a hare shouted. “Come on, lassie! Let’s go!”

“Right!” Fluttershy nodded, looking up at the castle wall. “I’m coming, girls…”

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Just Duty, Purple Heart

Chapter 88: We’re About to See Some Serious Crap

The mares were watching the battles on the walls from a balcony high up on the castle. The Armoroids had yet to force a breach in the castle but it likely wouldn’t be much longer. “Well it looks like Purple Heart’s back.” Twilight said, gesturing to where his forces were assaulting the wall. Amber tried to contain her sigh of relief at the appearance of the purple earth pony as he stood on the wall. She shook her head, fighting off the tears that tried to fall. He was only returning to save the city. She wouldn’t be hopeful. And yet, she couldn’t help it. She frowned, narrowing her eyes at the wall.

“Are those...rabbits?”

“Hares,” Twilight corrected. “He explicitly said that they’re called hares. For what reason, I’m not sure, but he was pretty specific about it.”

“Why’d he bring rab- hares with him?”

“To help retake the city,” Rarity replied. She looked aside at the Queen. “Did you not receive notification about the situation at Mistakwe?”

Amber nodded. “I did,” she said. “But the report was vague. ‘Hostilities have ceased thanks to threatening from a powerful pony.’ The problem was solved, that much I gathered. I just didn’t know how and between whom the problem was.”

“Purple Heart will be able to explain,” Rainbow Dash piped up. “Seeing as he was the one who got there first.”

“It’s a shame that an entire army stands between us and Fluttershy,” Rarity chimed in, “I can’t imagine it had been easy for the poor dear to go along with Purple Hea-” Her words trailed into a shriek of surprise as two hares landed on the balcony with the four mares followed closely by Fluttershy landing next to them.

“So, this the queen, huh?” one of the hares said, examining Amber. “Thought she’d be a bit taller.”

“Expectations,” the other hare said, waving a paw. “Civilians always think of heroes as larger than life up until you meet them. Remember Purple Bruise talking about Equard Elquine? Larger than life hero, yet he’s the size of a beansprout.” Both hares were garbed in light armor, thin rapiers sheathed at their sides. Both were ignored by the four mares.

“FLUTTERSHY!” Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash cried together, rushing to embrace the yellow pegasus.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you three again!” Fluttershy wailed, hugging the other three. “How are you holding up? You haven’t been injured, have you? Have you heard anything from Pinkie or Applejack?”

“We’re about as well as one can when in a castle under siege,” Rarity consoled, pulling out of the hug. “None of us have been hurt, thankfully. They haven’t forced a breach yet.” The implications of her words hung in the air for a few moments before Twilight cleared her throat.

“I haven’t heard anything from Pinkie for a bit, nor have I heard from Applejack. Then again, I’ve been a bit too busy to try contacting them,” she explained.

Fluttershy looked down from the balcony at the battle below. “It looks like they’re about even down there,” she muttered, watching the battle between Bael’s legionaries and Discord’s assortment. She frowned. “Do you think we should go help?”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Rarity said. “After all, darling, it is Discord. I’m sure if he needed help, he’d ask for it.”

“You’re right,” Fluttershy sighed with a nod. “I guess he doesn’t need help.”

* * *

“HELP!” Discord screamed from under a pile of semi-demonic ponies. He flailed his mismatched arms, sending the Traitor Legionaries flying in comedic spirals and distant star-like twinkles. He whirled about, glaring at the the troops behind him. “And where were you?”

Landed Title shot a look at him, fighting off a trio of the Legionaries herself. “I’m a little busy at the moment!” she shouted back.

“Right,” Discord muttered. “Carry on.” He turned back to the battlefield at large, trying to ignore the equally chaotic fighting behind him. Word had arrived that Purple Heart was at the front gates, which was good, but it also meant that he wasn’t here to get beaten up instead of Discord. The forces of his own hastily assembled troops and Bael’s traitors were equal in number, but the daemon’s influence made each one as strong as 5, maybe 10 ponies. In addition, they were better armed, better armored, and better organized.

In other words, Discord needed a miracle. Something difficult to get when he was the highest authority in the cosmos. For a moment, he wondered if there was something else out there that could help him. He sighed, shrugged, and dropped to what he assumed was an appropriate stance, looking up at the sky. “Can I get a little bit of help here?”

Silence filled the battlefield; not exactly silent silence, but the dramatic dampening of sound. The sound of the wind whistling through the battlefield was all that was unaffected by the dramatic sound editing. A surprisingly loud wind, for that matter. Almost like a loud, cyclical wail.

Just in front of him, a faint blue shape began to materialize. It appeared to be the source of the wail, with the sound growing in intensity as it became more opaque. Finally, the shape became fully solid, the wail ending with a thud. Before Discord stood an old-fashioned, blue box, as tall as he was. Across the top of the box read the word “Police.”

Discord blinked. “What.”

The police box door creaked open, revealing a mint-colored pony on the other side. A truncated red cone sat on his head at a jaunty angle, the tassel hanging down in front of his face. “Hello!” the pony said with a grin. “One question: what year is this?”

Discord was, in a word, unamused. “Wits, what are you doing?”

“I’m the Witstor,” Wits End said, perfectly serious.

“I’m not giving you my clothes.” Discord said looking down at the pony. “So what are you doing here?”

“I have a device that goes ding when there’s stuff.” Wits took the fez off his head and tossed it back into the police box. “But seriously, I’m here ‘cause you called for help like a little wimp.” He leaned back behind the door. “Come along, Pinkie Pond!”

Pinkie Pie poked her head out from behind the door. “Oh hey, Discord!” she shouted with a smile. “What’s up?”

Discord blinked at the pink mare and shrugged. “Oh, we’re just retaking a city that’s been conquered by villain ponies I created based off the questionably sane minds of three humans,” he replied nonchalantly. “Up until a few minutes ago, I was being squished by semi-demonic ponies. Other than that, nothing much else is ‘up,’ as you say.”

“The sky is up and so is the sun,” Pinkie said, pointing with a hoof skyward.

Discord blinked again and crossed his arms. “Well, you’re not wrong,” he groused.

“Sounds like you could use some help,” Wits said. “Lucky for you, you’ve got us.”

“Well, that’s something at least,” Discord sighed. He saw the expectant look on Wits End and Pinkie Pie’s faces. “What?”

“Say the thing,” Wits said.

“What thing?” Discord asked.

“The thing,” Pinkie repeated. “You know. ‘You and’...”

Discord sighed. “You and what army.”

The two ponies stepped out of the way of the blue box’s doorway, motioning for Discord to do the same. Wits knocked on the side of the box. “This army!”

The first one to exit the blue box was clad in heavy armor, calmly stepping out with a greatshield engraved with a dragon’s head. With one swing, the alicorn send a legionnaire flying backwards into the fray. More and more armored alicorns exited the box, forming a perimeter around them, shields facing outward and pushing the demonic ponies back.

The second wave shot out in a wave, taking to the skies with light armor and heavy lances. They flew in formation, cutting swaths through the battlefield.

Wits End raised his eyebrows repeatedly at the Draconequus. “Eh? Ehh?”

Discord watched the seemingly endless stream of battle-ready alicorns. “How-”

“It’s a portal back to the Alicorn sanctuary!” Pinkie explained. “Minty got his marefriends Salad Eater and Pickled Umbra to help us out!”

“Are you even trying anymore?” Wits asked the mare.

“It’s been a long day.”

Discord stared down at the stallion. “And what exactly did you have to do to get that help?”

Wits glanced off to one side. “So, you might not be very happy about that.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it involves us,” Sol Eater purred, stepping out of the police box.

Discord’s eyes widened slightly. “You made a deal with literally the last villain you fought? I thought you were the one to call that sort of stuff out!”

“Oh, that’s not the bad part yet,” Wits said.

“IT GETS WORSE?”

“Verily.” Penumbra stepped out behind her sister, clad in dyed silks and leathers. A long, thin blade was strapped to her side. “As Strategos End hath said, thou art attached to another object via an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis.”

The look Discord shot at Wits End, if the Draconequus was at full power, would have required the mint-colored colt to roll a new character. “Why.”

Wits grinned. “Basically, run.”

* * *

“Well, it looks like Discord might be regretting a few choices in world creation,” Rainbow Dash chortled between snickers as she caught sight of the new army.

“I just hope they’re going to get here quick,” Twilight said, looking over the balcony towards the source of the loud banging noises “It sounds like the Armoroids are redoubling their efforts and I think I see Just Duty down there.”

From behind Twilight, Rainbow made a victorious hoofpump at the usage of ‘Armoroids’. Rarity and Amber Glitter rolled their eyes and sighed, looking back to Twilight

“Don’t think you’ve won yet, Rainbow,” Twilight warned. “You and I are going to have a serious etymological and linguistic discussion of a proper name for the armoroids later. But for now, we have more important battles.” A deep boom that the mares felt as much as they heard punctuated her point.

“Speaking of which, perhaps we should head back inside and get ready to fight,” Rarity suggested.

“Yes, it doesn’t seem like any of the armies are going to get here in time to stop the… armoroids,” Amber said, gazing at the battles on the walls.

“I’d say we hold out for Purple Heart,” Fluttershy suggested, “but he’s facing his archenemy now. He might take a while.” The mares and the two hares guarding the stairs leading up from the castle proper all turned northward to consider the gate guarded by Bael and under siege by Purple Heart. The Purple Barbarian’s combined force of Hares and Loyal Legionnaires had breached the portcullis and were engaging Bael’s Traitor Legion and the outlying Armoroids from Holdfast’s host. It appeared that the fighting was evenly matched, more so than it was up at the castle. The Hares were primarily melee fighters and their powerful kicks and jabs were extremely effective against the plate armor of the Armoroids. The Legionnaires of Purple Heart were a true compliment to the Hares, as they took over the task of dealing with the Traitor Legion.

Amber Glitter frowned. “That seems cruel,” she mused. The other mares blinked and looked at her in confusion, questioning looks on their faces as they awaited an explanation.

“I’m not certain if it was Bael’s doing, Purple Heart’s intention, or mere coincidence that the Legionnaires fight with each other,” Amber explained. “Up until a while ago, from what my messengers tell me, the Legion was once whole and existed under one leader. Now, they are split, fighting for their leaders’ respective goals, killing friends and comrades who they once fought beside. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were crying as they fight.”

The mares looked amongst each other thoughts of how’d they react if they’d had to fight each other running through their heads. Tears started to form and each one of them looked like they wanted to say something, but were failing to find any words. Twilight squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep but shaky breath in and slowly let it out. “We need to go get ready to hold the Armoroids back while we wait for reinforcements to get to us,” she decided resolutely, forcing any sorrowful thoughts out of her head. The others nodded and followed along quietly, all focusing on the task at hoof and feeling relieved that they’d be fighting beside their friends and not against.

* * *

“Enough waiting,” Holdfast grumbled. The gate was taking damage, but far too slowly; especially with word that the legendary Alicorns had returned. He motioned to one of the larger suits of armor. “Take it down.”

The armor stood at attention, faint black powder trickling from its joints. It marched forward, other suits of armor pulling away from the gate as it approached. With a grin, Holdfast watched as another suit retrieved a torch from a wall sconce. The powder that filled the large suit was an import—ironically enough—from Ghuilder, and would make short work of the structure.
Without a moment of hesitation, the torch-bearing suit of armor charged the gate, striking the powder-filled suit with the firebrand. For a moment, the world seemed to be made entirely of light and fire, with a roar like that of an enraged dragon. When the flames faded, a massive hole stood where a gate once was.

“Should have done that from the start,” Holdfast mused. “Good to know.” He waved a forehoof to the suits of armor around him. “Well? Take the castle.”

“That will not be easy now.” Just Duty said. “They’ve had more than enough time to prepare. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve gone and been stripping wood paneling from walls to reinforce barricades and tearing stone and brick from non-essential walls. It’s what I’d be doing.”

“I would expect nothing less,” Holdfast replied. He looked back at Just Duty with a wry smile. “But I know the procedure the guards have been trained to follow in case of a siege. They’ll attempt defence in depth, holding on to guard posts throughout the city. The castle itself is relatively unguarded, since ideally, soldiers would fall back to is as the outer wall fell.” His smile widened. “So it would certainly be a shame if somepony attacked the wall and the castle at the same time, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes, but I am worried about how much of a corner we have backed them into. With nowhere to flee to when they break, they are going to fight like never before. With them having everything to lose and everything to gain, I’d feel more comfortable if we more heavily outnumbered them.” The ex-paladin paused to think. “Or if we had another heavy hitter on our side. Your armors are decent soldiers but lack ingenuity and finesse, or the sheer strength to just power through, as the gate just proved to us. I’d feel better if Bael was here to assist me in leading the fight; he’s strong enough to be trouble and, while I doubt he lacks deep tactical knowledge, he knows how to handle a fight.”

Holdfast frowned. As much as he hated to admit it, Just Duty made sense. The suits of armor were strong, but they hadn’t had a real fight thanks to most of the guards defending the wall from Bael and the Traitor Legionaries. Inside that castle they would be ready. “Very well,” he said. “I’ll defer to your judgement in this matter of war.” The snow-white stallion turned to one of the suits of armor, who had been cleaning up scraps of metal from the powder-filled suit. “Send a signal to the daemon. We’ll crush the enemy here, and clean up the wall later.”

The suit tilted its helmet slightly in apparent confusion. Holdfast sighed. “Just set something on fire. I’m sure the beast will get the message.” He turned to Just Duty again as the suit of armor galloped off. “I will say, you’re right about their lack of ingenuity.”

* * *

Purple Heart and Bael stood there, looking pensively at each other. Legionnaires clashed with Legionnaires below them while Hares hammered away at the armor suits, fighting to gain at least some modicum of ground. But they were at a stand still. Both armies were stuck in the gatehouse, neither giving an inch, nor advancing one.

“This stalemate won’t last forever. Eventually, one of our armies will fail.” Bael punctuated the statement with a lunge at Purple Heart, initiating combat. The Purple Barbarian leapt sideways to avoid the attack, skirting around the grey being to flank him. With a grunt of exertion, Purple Heart swung his own attack at Bael, aiming for the creature’s midriff. Bael snapped around and blocked the strike with crossed forearms. However, there was such power in the punch that he slid backwards on impact, skidding across the wall top. He dug his clawed toes into the stone of the wall and stopped his backward motion after he’d gone twenty paces.

Purple Heart clicked his teeth in irritation when he saw Bael’s smug grin. “Am I strong enough for you yet?” the purple earth pony hissed. “Have I come far enough to make a challenge for you?”

Bael chuckled, dropping his arms as he straightened, looking at his adversary with poisonous green eyes. “Oh, yes,” he chortled. “I can fully enjoy our fight now. No god-being dictating who wins or loses, no outside forces, just the two of us.” Grin still on his face, Bael settled into a forward leaning posture, head and chest out towards Purple Heart. His long fingers braced against the stone of the wall top, supporting his sprinter start posture.

Purple Heart cracked his neck and rolled the kinks from his shoulders and back before settling into a similar ready stance. He narrowed his eyes at the crouched grey figure, preparing for the coming fight.

The two tensed, ready to begin.

“Lord Bael! Lord Bael!” a pegasus Traitor Legionnaire called from above, landing on the wall..

The tension on the wall evaporated as Bael hung his head in annoyance and Purple Heart groaned.

Bael looked skyward and sighed. “Ye carping heck,” he whispered. “Something save me from interrupting pansies. Sorry.” He apologized to Purple Heart.

“It happens,” Purple Heart shrugged.

“What?!” Bael snapped, looking at the pegasus.

“The beacons are lit!” the Traitor Legionnaire gasped, pointing to the castle where pyres blazed on the ramparts. “Holdfast calls for aid!”

Bael rolled his eyes and huffed irritably. “Well, guess I’ll have to answer,” he grumbled in an extremely put upon tone. He stood from his crouched stance to walk over to the pegasus. “Looks like we’ll continue this at the castle.”

Purple Heart straightened and nodded. “See you there,” he said. Bael and the pegasus departed, one leaping over rooftops, the other flapping panically behind. The Traitor Legion broke in the gatehouse, fleeing over the supporting armor suits.

“We have the gatehouse, lads!” a Hare cheered. “On to the castle!” A roar of victory boomed as Purple Heart sat on his haunches, looking at the bouncing grey dot.

“Well,” he sighed, “that was underwhelming.”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 89: They Come From a Land Down Under!

“Blasted git,” Purple Heart grumbled. “Just when I thought I’d get that two-legged meatbag off my back, he gets called to assist in defending the castle. AND there’s the fact that Light isn’t here yet. Of course, I haven’t seen Wits either, so I guess I shouldn’t judge. Yet.”

“Are you well, sah?” one of the Hare Sergeants inquired, jogging easily beside the cantering purple earth pony.

“I’m fine,” Purple Heart replied shortly, eyes scanning the empty streets for any threats or aggressors. “Just being tetchy about grey things. Both four-legged and two.”

“Ah,” the hare hummed. “Roight.”

“Any word of Light Patch’s or Wits End’s arrival?” the Purple Barbarian asked.

“None about Light Patch, sah,” the hare responded. “However, there is word of a host of winged unicorns from a land unknown.”

Purple Heart’s forward advancement ceased abruptly and he turned to the sergeant. “Alicorns?”

“Aye, that’s what they’re called. Alicorns,” the hare corrected himself. “A host of Alicorn warriors appeared from a tall blue box near Lord Discord’s location.”

“Any word of a minty colored stallion with them? He’s a unicorn with an attitude.”

“Aye. Small unicorn leading a pink mare and two alicorn mares,” the sergeant said. “One of the alicorns seemed very taken with Master Wits.”

“...wat?”

“Technically, it’s two!” A pink party pony dropped from above, landing between Purple Heart and the hares in a perfect three-point pose. Pinkie Pie grinned. “Hi, Heartburn!”

Above the ponies and hares hovered a pair of armor-clad Alicorns; one carrying the shape of a smaller pony. “Huzzah! The waifus have been doub- Uh oh.” Wits End, having lost his balance on the back of the Alicorn thanks to his dramatic pose, slipped from his perch and landed face-first in an abandoned wagon of hay.

The unicorn’s straw-covered head poked out from the haystack. “Just one dramatic entrance,” he grumbled. “That’s all I ask.”

Purple Heart shivered, shaking off his surprise at the mention of more waifus for Wits and their sudden appearance. “You entered with Alicorns,” he pointed out. “And Pinkie Pie did her jumping entrance. You’ve tapped out your ‘Dramatic Entrance’ mana. Now, get out of the hay bale cart. You’re not an assassin.”

“Requiescat in Pace, my drama mana.” Wits hopped out of the hay, shaking himself like a cat to dislodge the pieces still stuck. “I brought some friends,” he said, waving to the alicorns as they landed nearby. “Hope you don’t mind. How goes ze var?”

“Well enough,” Purple Heart answered. “Captured the north guardhouse and gate, traded words with Bael, and watched as Bael retreated because Holdfast needs help at the castle. I also got a bit of a surprise when I heard you added more Waifus to your harem. So yeh, war’s going okay.”

“Hey, you got a queen, Patchy got a queen, I figure I should get at least a couple of princesses.” Wits glanced around, as if looking for something. “On a completely unrelated subject to waifus, where’s Fluttershy?” The unicorn’s eyes narrowed at Purple Heart. “You do know you had one job, right?”

“She scampered off to help Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity at the castle,” Purple Heart replied. He rolled his eyes at the tightening of Wits’ face. “She’s fine. She had some of the best Fighting Hares escorting her. Besides, being with me isn’t exactly the safest of places to be, savvy?”

“Great. You sent her through an army of soulless suits of armor-”

“Armoroids,” Pinkie corrected.

“Arm-” Wits looked back at Pinkie Pie. “How would you even know- Never mind.” He turned back to the purple barbarian. “You sent her through an army of Armoroids protected by the finest and most deadly adorable little bunnies. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t put my utmost faith in the Mounted Python Aerial Circus corps.”

Purple Heart snorted. “Be mad all you want, it’ll only get worse,” he said. He grinned at Wits’ frown. “I may or may not have mentioned waifus around Fluttershy. And I may or may not have suggested that she ask you what the word means.”

Wits End’s face slowly drained of color from the top down. “You have no soul,” he muttered.

“Hey, where’s Patchjob?” Pinkie asked, interrupting the mint-colored pony’s life flashing before his eyes.

“Huh?” Wits blinked. “Oh yeah, good question. Where is Patchy, anyway?”

“Haven’t the foggiest,” Purple Heart shrugged. “We should make our way towards the castle though. We might run into him along the way.” He paused for a moment and blinked at the alicorns. Switching his gaze to Wits, he jerked his head towards the tall ponies. “Could you explain how that happened on the way, please?”

Wits shrugged and started trotting towards the castle. “Something something mommy alicorn and daddy alicorn, something something Hasbro will never tell us. Basically, I bet the princess in charge I could reform her sister to the side of good, and I won.”

“Well, the chance for revenge helped,” Pinkie cut in.

“Revenge is magic,” Wits replied.

“And Minty is is apparently both Brightest Day and Darkest Night’s type.”

“I’m kawaii as gosh dang.”

“Huh,” Purple Heart mused. “Welp, shall we? We’ve got a castle to save.”

* * *

“I hope you’ve got a plan Twilight, because there isn’t anywhere else we can fall back to,” Rainbow Dash called, knocking a helmet of an advancing armoroid.

Twilight frowned but was too busy casting magic to respond. After the villains had breached the castle gate, they’d been slowly pushed back from the castle entrance. Once Bael had entered the fray, however, their army was swept out of the castle and forced into the catacombs beneath. While it made defence easier by limiting the attacker’s number advantage, it left them with nowhere else to flee.

“I do believe the plan now is to simply hold until reinforcements arrive,” Rarity chimed in as she used her magic to puppeteer a fallen armoroid into attacking others and also clear it from her allies’ footing.

Twilight nodded and fired a bolt of lightning to clear one of the corridors of enemies to allow for the tired guards to switch out with less exhausted replacements. “With any luck, the colts will be assaulting the castle and forcing the enemy to pull some forces away from attacking us-” She was interrupted as she ducked under a spear and used her magic to catch it and throw it back, “-to focus on holding them back.”

“Well, it’d better happen soon!” Amber yelled from where she was fighting. “Because we won’t be able to hold out much longer!”

“Twilight, look out!” Rainbow shouted, causing Twilight to spot an Armoroid that had managed to break through the defensive line. She tried to jump away from it, but found her legs tangled up in another fallen Armoroid. She fell to the ground, causing its first attack to miss and looked up in time to see it readying a second. Before it could stab the fallen alicorn, twin sabers swung from the ceiling, slicing the suit into thirds before they were drawn back to the shadows. Flashes of silver showed the event playing out all over as hundreds of weapons fell from the ceiling to attack their enemies, only to be drawn back to the shadows like magic; only the faintest glints of silver revealing the strings holding the weapons.

Two more of the Armoroids turned to advance on Twilight, but were cut down by a ghost white lizard that hadn’t been there seconds before. It fought its way to close the gap at the front lines, seemingly signaling the next unexpected wave of help as hundreds of squeaks heralded a swarm of bats sweeping through, striking at their grounded enemies. The holes the bats opened were then filled as hundreds of spider-like beings dropped from the ceilings.

Familiar grey and orange hoofs filled her vision. “You might wanna close your mouth, Twilight. A spider might crawl in it,” Light Patch said as he and Applejack helped Twilight back to her hooves.

“Applejack?” Rainbow Dash landed next to the group of ponies. “How did you get under the catacombs?” She looked over at Light Patch with less excitement. “Oh, and hi to you too, Light.”

“Your enthusiasm in seeing me once more needs to be put in check, madam,” Light Patch dead panned. “As for how, thank Orb. He knew of a place where the catacombs went too deep and connected to the caverns.”

“Ah, adventurer Dash. It is good to meet you again. Shame that once more it is under poor conditions,” Silk trap said, joining the little gathering and earning a nod from Rainbow Dash. “It would appear that we’ve arrived at just the right time to assist you your majesty,” the Ararchcolsid queen said to Amber.

Amber bowed her head. “It seems I’m in your debt.” She turned to Twilight. “And it seems that your friends have each brought us an army.”

“I guess they did manage to pull through.” Twilight said eyeing the pegasus stallion. “In any case, we should get ready to push our way back into the castle now that we’ve got the support to do it.”

“Agreed. Let us seize your web from the enemies,” Silk Trap replied.

“Your majesties, the enemy is weakening. The armies of our allies must be assaulting the castle now,” a guard shouted, prompting a cheer.

“Well, that does sound like our cue, doesn’t it? I’ll take the high road and you take the low road,” Light Patch said to Applejack.

“Ah bet we’ll get there first,” the farm pony returned with a grin.

“Then I do believe it is on,” Silk Trap replied, her mandibles twitching in excitement.

* * *

Light Patch slammed through the door, throwing a mix of demon ponies and Armoroids out of his way, allowing the mares and the armies following them through the gap back into the castle proper. “Top floor: Demon ponies, Armoroids, Shoe polish, Brooms, and Oxford Commas. Watch your step, please.”

“You know, one of these days yer gonna have to explain some of these references you’re making,” Applejack grunted as she used her rope to lasso an enemy and swing it around like a giant flail.

“Probably,” Light Patch replied, throwing out a couple of sonic burst shots before stopping to heal those around him. “So what's the plan, your majesties?”

Amber’s brow furrowed as she stepped back from the front to consider the question, rubbing at her chest as she thought. “I say we try to meet up with Wits End’s, Purple He-”

“Just say Phinkwitcord, it’s faster,” Light Patch shouted from his end.

Amber blinked at the grey pegasus in confusion. “Huh?” she asked eloquently.

“I think he’s trying to combine the names of our comrades,” Rarity offered.

“...Oh...” Amber paused. “No.”

“It does lack finesse,” Silk Trap called out from the web the Arachcolsid were stringing above the corridor as they fought along.

“It’s a work in progress!” he shouted back.

Twilight shook her head. “In any case, what were you going to say, Amber?”

The Queen inclined her head to the alicorn in thanks. “I was saying,” she glared, at where Light Patch was, “that we should try to join forces with the allied army.”

“We could also try to bottleneck Holdfast so that we could come at him from two sides,” Rainbow Dash chimed in from near the roof where she, along with the bats, were dealing with the flying demon ponies.

“How would we signal Wits and Purple Heart then?” Fluttershy asked softly, tending to a couple of wounded. The blue pegasus opened her mouth to reply, but stopped short.

“Um...”

“We bottleneck Holdfast in a room that has to be entered from the main entrance,” Rarity spoke up. “No signalling required, and no potential miscommunication.”

“What if they enter through a different part of the castle?” Twilight pointed out.

Rarity glared at Twilight. “Since when have we become doom’n’gloomers?” she sniffed. The alicorn winced.

“Just pointing out a possible factor to miscommunication,” she murmured.

“In her defense, recent twists and turns do seem to warrant less optimism and a little more prepping for the worst,” Light Patch chimed in as he healed Rainbow Dash. “In any case, though, I’d head for the main entrance from what you mares told me. The enemy basically made a massive hole, tore up all of the barricades, and, I’m assuming, won’t have the time to properly refortify the position. I figure that’d be where Witty would wanna assault.”

“A sound plan,” Amber agreed. “I suppose we should make our way to the main gate to meet up with our allies, yes?” A chorus of agreeing responses went up around the group. “Let’s get moving then. Light Patch, would you be so kind as to lead the way?” She smiled at the grey pegasus, eyes flashing with a challenging light.

“Aye, Milady Admiral!” the colt shouted before turning back to the enemy. “Milady wants to get through, so would you all just kindly step aside and make a hole.” He punctuated the end of his sentence by swinging his hammer. The colt battered a few more enemies out of the way before Amber quietly cleared her throat.

“Sir Light Patch, the main hall is the other way,” she said regally.

“Oh, well then.” Light Patch used his bramble thorn spell to fill that end of the hallway with thorns, then turned to lead in the other direction. As the army ground its way through to the main entrance, Light Patch continued to seal up branching paths with his thorns spell. The group’s forward motion was halted when they all heard a cry of something from the courtyard visible through the windows.

“SOOOOOOOOPPEEEEEEEER~! Fear my Purple Justice! I- OWCH!”

“As if having that as your notification tone was irritating enough,” a voice snarled. “And now they’re all staring at us.”

“Don’t condemn the Franky, my minty friend,” another voice replied.

“Pinkie, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t! Pinkie Kick!”

The group within the castle blinked in surprise as they heard and then saw Purple Heart screaming through the air and through a stained glass window. Shattering the window as he passed violently through it, Purple Heart landed square on his face at Light Patch’s hooves.

Acting quickly, Light Patch dragged the stallion away from the front line and then held him close as he put on puppy dog eyes while looking at Twilight, “I found a walking bruise and it followed me home. Can I keep it? Please?”

Twilight’s eye twitched as she scrutinized Light’s face. That expression had absolutely no business what-so-freaking-ever being on his mug. She gave a heavy, put-upon sigh and rubbed her brow with a hoof. “Fine, but it’s your responsibility,” she allowed. “You need to comb him, bathe him, make sure he uses the newspaper, and has proper hygienic treatment. And get him neutered. Though, I think Amber might be a bit disappointed.” The golden mare spluttered in surprise and a red flush rose to her cheeks as Light Patch responded.

“Wow, that was surprisingly catty of you, Twilight. I’m so proud,” Light Patch said as he healed Purple Heart. “My friends and I are rubbing off on you,” he continued, pretending to wipe away a tear. “We’ll have you needling your friends and arm-punching like a pro in no time.”

“Good, good,” Wits said, picking his way through the colorful broken glass. “Give in to your snark.” He came to a stop next to the other two colts, laying a hoof on the Purple Bruise’s head. “Pat pat, good tank. Taking all of the hits for us squishier adventurers.”

“Including the hits we hit him with!” Pinkie chimed in, suddenly walking in from the opposite side of the room from the window.

“Exactly.” Wits’ sat down with a wry smile. “Sooooo? How we doin’?”

“Well enough,” Twilight replied. “Little bit of a fiasco deciding what to do. It seems Holdfast has managed to take the throne room. I suspect he, along with his two cohorts, are there.”

“Most likely,” Purple Heart groaned, rubbing at his neck. “I had a short spar with Bael on the wall before he was summoned back to the castle. We’re getting close to the final boss battle.”

“Question,” Rainbow Dash piped up. “Do all of us have to fight them? Or do just you three have to?” She pointed at the three colts in question.

Wits shrugged. “Depends on how much of the game is still under Discord’s original plan. If these fights are gonna be how Discord set them up, this will probably be something the captain’s gotta do for himself.”

“An’ if it ain’t?” Applejack asked.

“Then we go full gank squad on them.”

“I’d like to request fighting Bael alone,” Purple Heart said. “It seems that he will only fall if I’m the one to do it, seeing as Discord put some rather constricting conditions on him.”

“Why are they talking about me like I’m not here?” Discord asked Fluttershy. “I could answer their questions instead of letting them theorize.” The yellow pegasus shrugged.

“What kind of constraints?” Twilight asked, ignoring the Draconequus entirely.

“Bael was created to antagonize me alone and incur personal growth,” the purple earth pony explained. “So it stands to reason that through magical shenanigans, you all attacking him will just make things crowded.”

“Unless this is a ‘no colt can kill me’ moment,” Wits interjected.

“If that were the case, Discord would’ve genderbent me from the start,” Purple Heart retorted. He immediately blanched. “Eugh… I don’t even want to imagine that.” The mares all looked suitably sickened, thought Amber looked a touch pleased.

“We’d probably have to start calling you Pink Heart then.” Light Patch chimed in from where he’d returned fighting. “Also, Grade A fighting effort guys; really appreciate you big darn heroes pulling your weight in this big ultimate battle.”

The ponies blinked and turned to where Light Patch was fending off wave after wave of Armoroids and daemon ponies.

“Huh,” Applejack hummed. “Ah completely forgot ‘bout them.”

“Admit it,” Discord smirked, “you all were perfectly fine letting him fight alone.”

“Yes,” the ponies chorused together, save Fluttershy.

Discord blinked. “Wow. No sympathy whatsoever.”

“If experience points still mattered, I’d be farming the carp outta that mess,” Purple Heart replied. “And he has the unusual habit of claiming responsibility as bulwark even after I said I’d do it. But noooooooo, he has to use his Monkeylords and impressive defenses and hijacked Fatboys.” Purple Heart’s rambling continued, though under his breath and muttered as he threw himself into combat to help the grey pegasus.

“I hope you lot are good at not getting hit because I’m not healing any of you anymore! ’Cept for Fluttershy! She, like the Mongols, are the exception!” Light Patch shouted, his forelegs wrapped around the helmet of a particularly large Armoroid.

Wits End sighed as he stood back up. “Fiiiiine. At least I can try using this again.” With his horn glowing a deep forest green, a wooden wolf mask appeared in his forehoof.

“Are you sure you wanna do that?” Pinkie asked. “It didn’t work out so well last time.”

“Yeah, but that was with a tyrannical alicorn set on destroying the world as we know it.” Wits shrugged. “Besides, we’ve got Fluttershy here.” He placed the mask over his face, bark and brambles growing like armor over his body as his muzzle grew thorny sharp teeth. The faux-Timberwolf howled and charged the Armoroids, sending helmets and gauntlets flying.

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “That’s new.”

“Okay, he’s re-earned rights to being healed,” Light Patch said, standing next to Rainbow Dash.

“You’re only saying that because you're afraid of what he might do if you don’t,” the mare said accusingly.

“Absolutely.”

Author's Note

Authors: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 90: The Beginning of the End

“How could you let this happen?” Holdfast growled at Bael, pacing about the throne room. “The point of all of this was that those three would be exhausted by the time they got here. Instead, your pseudo-ponies have practically invited them in with champonyage and horse d'oeuvres!”

“They’re still fighting out there,” Bael retorted, rolling his eyes as the ex-chancellor roamed back and forth in front of him. “Our forces are slowing them down and thus, wearing them down. They’ll be suitably tired by the time they get through to us. Except for Purple Heart, of course.”

“That is assuming they are fighting at the front of their armies. It might be more logical to assume they are letting the armies grind each other to dust and saving their strength for dealing with us,” Just Duty said while looking through a selection of scrolls. “And as much power as we stole from that being of discord, he still retains much more strength than I thought he would.”

Holdfast scoffed. “As if those three would take the logical course of action. It’s more likely the purple one is charging through, using the other two as flails.” He looked back at the empty throne. “As for Discord, I’d be more worried if his greatest weapon thus far wasn’t a cream pie.” He smirked at Bael. “Do you think you’ll recover, daemon?”

Bael’s face twisted into a snarl at the barb, but he didn’t react beyond that. Instead he looked at the door to the throne room. “You worry that they won’t be exhausted by the time they get here,” he clipped out, looking aside at Holdfast. “I would prefer to fight Purple Heart at full strength. And unfortunately, he hasn’t achieved such a level of development. So, to ease your conscience, I’ll prepare one last obstacle.” Bael flicked a hand at the door, sending tendrils of green energy from his fingertips. A pulse of power jerked the threads and the armored husk of Grim Hammer appeared only to spring to life as flames coughed into existence. The construct shouldered its hammer and left the throne room to stand guard outside.

Bael turned, looking fully at Holdfast. “Satisfied?”

“Oh, good,” Holdfast muttered. “The one he beat twice before you decided to get serious. How many phases do you plan on having this green lantern go through this time?” He turned to Just Duty, ignoring Bael’s muttered ‘Grim Hammer is so much better than Green Lantern’. “And what about you? Would you rather fight your one true love at his best or his worst?”Just Duty scowled as he looked up from the scrolls.

“It doesn't matter when or how I’ll fight him. He will not win and his lies will be exposed for what they are,” he growled, “I suppose you would rather wait for us to once again do the dirty work of fighting them for you?” he said, glaring back at Holdfast.

“I would not say no.” The snow-white stallion shrugged. “I know my limitations, and one of them is that I’m no fighter.” He smirked. “I can’t help but notice the lack of a denial about your love.”

“That is because it is not a thing and needed no comment, but apparently I gave your intelligence too much credit if you’d believe the truth of your own joke,” Just Duty retorted, sweeping away the scrolls he had and pulling out a few more from throne room’s hidden shelves.

“Are we all quite finished flinging barbs at each other?” Bael interjected irritably, flicking his fingers to control Grim Hammer on the other side of the door. “They’re here. I don’t know about you two, but we should probably work together. For now at least.”

Just Duty grunted. “I believe I can agree to that,” he said, giving an angry glance towards Holdfast.

Holdfast shrugged. “Fine. And here I thought we were bonding before the final battle, like real heroes.” He motioned with a forehoof, summoning a dozen suits of armor at join Grim Hammer in guarding the door. “So, are we going to be intelligent and hit them all at once?”

“I have no opinion on the matter,” Bael shrugged. “I only have to fight Purple Heart, though I will engage any who get in my way.”

“It would be our best chance of winning,” Just Duty said, dropping the scrolls and hefting his hammer.

Holdfast nodded in agreement and looked to Bael. “So, are we in this together?” he inquired, eyebrow arching questioningly. Bael sighed and inclined his head in agreement.

“Very well,” he agreed. “I want to fight Purple Heart alone.”

“Fine by me,” Holdfast said.

* * *

“Has anyone even considered the potential for secret bosses?” Purple Heart inquired as he drove a hoof through a contingent of armoroids.

“Secret bosses?” Rainbow Dash asked curiously. “What are secret bosses?”

“Presumably,” Rarity said, “bosses that aren’t expected.”

“Or they aren-” Light Patch cut off as he was engaged by two enemies.
“Plot essential,” Wits End finished for him.

“OH~!” Pinkie cried, firing her party cannon at a knot of legionnaires. “Sneaky bosses that come out of the woodwork! I get it!”

“What’s an example of a ‘secret boss’?” Amber asked.
“If I know anything about Discord, I’ll bet he was gonna be one himself,” Light Patch chimed in.

“Amber Glitter, for one,” Purple Heart said. He grinned at her surprised gaping. “I’m not saying it’s gonna happen, but it’s possible.”

Amber glared at him and her anger resulted in a very unfortunate Armoroid getting cast out a window with an overpowered blast of magic. “Anything else?” she growled.

Purple Heart gulped and took the hint. “Well, Boros is a possibility, along with Bob the Killer Goldfish. Of course, if Boros appears, we’re all completely screwed.” The other party members blinked and looked at each other in confusion.

“Those are Super Secret and Ultra Secret Bosses respectively,” Wits End interjected. “Clippy is the ‘new game plus end game dungeon super secret boss.’”

“Followed by the guest bosses, Ornstein and Smough, and Artorias,” Purple Heart added. A duo of legionnaires screamed in pain and horror as Wits End smacked them three feet into a wall, a terrifying glint in his eyes. The mares blinked and looked to Light Patch and Purple Heart for explanation as the unfortunate ponies were then flung out a window, following the Armoroid that Amber had sent flying.

“Ehm,” Purple Heart cleared his throat. “Bad memories.”

“Moon-banished dash spear lunge carp, freakin’ butt stomps and lightning shootin’ every whichaway!”

“Moving on!” Purple Heart called. “We also have the potential for special appearances by Jagdpanzer 38(t) Hetzer, Darth Vader, Don Quixote Doflamingo, Grik, Duck Game-”

“Zolf J. Kimblee, Great Grey Wolf Sif, Jeff from Accounting, the entire Karling dynasty, Supermarine Spitfire Mk VIII-” Wits End continued.

“Handsome Jack, Allen O’Neil, Einhänder, La-Mulana, TOG II, C-Consciousness-” Light Patch added

“Grim Hammer,” Twilight interrupted, pointing at the familiar suit of blazing armor. The enemy forces were moving out of its way as it plodded towards the group.

“Um...okay, didn’t see that one coming,” Purple Heart mumbled.

“Oh really?” Grim Hammer asked, his voice hollow. “How could you have not?”

“Honestly? I completely forgot about you,” the Purple Barbarian replied. Grim Hammer’s helmet drooped forward several degrees.

“That’s just rude,” the armor grumbled.

Purple Heart shrugged noncommittally. “So, I’m guessing you’re the last line of defense for the Big Three, eh?”

“Indeed,” Grim Hammer confirmed. “I’m the final obstacle.”

Rainbow Dash stepped forward and grinned triumphantly. “Ha! Let’s get going then! There’s ten of us and-”

“SHHHHHH~!” the rest of the ponies hissed, trying to prevent the blue mare from jinxing their luck.

“-one of you,” Rainbow finished.

“Great,” Purple Heart moaned.

“It begins,” Wits sighed.

“Way to break it, hero.” Light Patch muttered.

“Here we go again,” Applejack said.

“I thought we were trying to win,” Rarity sniffed.

“I’m not sure about this,” Fluttershy whimpered.

“I’m gonna punch Purple Heart,” Amber frowned.

“This is taking too long,” Twilight mumbled.

“YAYS~! More ponies to shoot!” Pinkie cheered.

“If you insist,” Grim Hammer spoke, amusement clear in his voice. Strings pulled themselves off of the flaming suit of armor and coalesced into and additional nine versions of Grim Hammer, each one made of a different color of flame.

“I knew it!” Purple Heart cried. “Bael DID eat the Ito Ito no Mi!”

“The what?” Twilight asked.

“String String Fruit,” Purple Heart replied, charging forward to meet the original Grim Hammer head on. The rest of the clones moved as well, pairing themselves off with each of the party members.

“Well at least he brought enough to share,” Light Patch said, readying a hammer. “So, what? Do we all just pick one an-” He was cut off as he was slammed into a wall by the Grim Hammer clone nearest to him; one colored grey. “Never mind, they appear to have chosen for us,” he said, falling out of the pegasus shaped dent in the wall. “Are you sure we can’t tal-” Light Patch barely dodged under a second swing. “Can someone trade Grim Hammer clones with me? I don’t think this one likes me!” Light Patch said as he summoned his bramble thorns to try and trap or slow down his attacker.

“Um, we can trade, if you really want. But, I’m not so sure this one will like you any more than it likes me,” Fluttershy said, constantly falling back from the Yellow Clone attacking her.

“I’m sensing a lot of unchecked rage and aggression,” Wits End said cheekily as he wove around his White Clone’s attack, having used his Transformation Ability to mimic Pinkie Pie. Unfortunately, he misjudged how quick his opponent was and suffered for it with a strike to the shoulder that knocked him back to normal. “OWCH! RUDE!”

“Quit talking and focus!” Twilight snapped from her airborne position above her Violet Clone. She cast spell after spell at the advancing foe in an attempt to slow his progress towards her. Little to no damage was being done.

“I am focus!” Wits returned, clambering to his hooves.

“Then how come you’re getting your tail hoofed to you?” Applejack asked, tightening her lasso around one of her Orange Clone’s legs and yanking it. The clone collapsed to the ground, but jerked its lassoed leg, pulling the orange mare to meet its swinging hammer. The two collided and Applejack grunted in pain, yet she fought on doggedly.

“For the record, I’m fighting fine! No tails being handed around here, no siree,” Wits called.

“I have a question,” Amber asked, flinging crushed mortar and stone at her opponent with her magic.

“And we have an answer,” the three colts replied.

“NOT THE TIME, BOYS!” the Mane Six snapped.

“Sorry, what's the question?” Light Patch asked as he switched to fighting fire with fire as he ignited the oil pods on his bramble thorns.

Amber glowered at the colts for a brief moment then returned her attention to her battle. “Why, pray tell, are we fighting individually instead of together?”

“But we are fighting together,” Rainbow Dash replied, diving again at her Blue Clone. Her arrows struck the armor but did no damage. Twisting to avoid the return attack from the hammer, she returned to the air, firing more arrows as she flew.

“We may be fighting together, but we’re not fighting together!” Amber reiterated.

“I can just hear the italics,” Purple Heart mumbled. “Can you elaborate please? There’s only so much emphasis you can put on a word. And any subtly you’re inferring is lost on me. Multitasking is not as easy as it sounds.”

“Multitasking is impossible; stop listening to your corporate overlords!” Light Patch shouted, fleeing from the Grey Clone chasing him as it dragged the burning brambles with it.

Amber growled in irritation as she finally struck the Red Clone with a lucky boulder shot. “I’m ASKING, why aren’t we working together to fight each clone one by one?”

“Oh. That is a good question,” Wits piped up, dodging a strike from his White Clone.

“Maybe we just like to suffer,” Rarity sniffed sarcastically as she tried to take control of the Purple Clone she fought with her Puppeteer ability.

“I think it’s fun!” Pinkie cheered, bouncing around her Pink Clone.

“I haven’t had much of a chance,” Light Patch said, trying to hold his clone under the water of a fountain. “This one at least has been working to keep me from teaming up with anyone else. Also, the clones could team up if we tried to team up as well. What we’d really need is for someone to beat their clone and then move onto helping the others,” the pegasus stallion finished before the clone dragged him under as well.

“Has anypony told you that's kind of a dumb place for a fountain?” Rainbow asked, circling the blue clone.

Amber sighed and her head drooped, only for her attention to be commanded once more by the fight. “I was a little stressed with all my queenly duties and may have let the re-modelers run a little rampant in their work. I swear, they put that there just so I could hate it and pay them more to remove it.”

“How very… mercenary of them,” Rarity replied.

“Aesthetic angst aside,” Purple Heart said, “what you’re saying is that we should take out the clones one by one?”

“Yes!” Amber snapped, ducking under the swinging hammer of her Red Clone.

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Wits asked.

Amber’s face became blank and she blinked once at the minty colt. She very nearly got hit in the head and was only saved by Purple Heart colliding with the Red Clone, knocking it aside to be crushed under the purple stallion’s weight.

“Ignore him,” Twilight called. “The filter that keeps stupid from being said is broken, I’m sure.”

“I resent that. It’s not broken. I sold it to buy some manga.” Wits End replied, “So, which one do we try to take down first?”

“How about Light Patch’s?” Rainbow Dash chimed in as she dodged around the blue clone. The others turned to look for Light Patch only to find him clinging to a chandelier as the grey clone stood under it trying to get to the pegasus. “I swear, my respect for the guy is like a pendulum; first he does something kind of cool, and then he does something like this,” Rainbow muttered.

“Idea!” Rarity called out, “Silk Trap, could you cut that rope right there?” she called out to the Arachcolsid queen, who replied with haste before returning to fighting the general enemy forces. Before any could question Rarity, the chandelier fell from the ceiling and crushed the Grim Hammer clone bellow it.

“That was all a part of my plan,” Light Patch said as he stumbled away from the crashed chandelier.

“I do believe that is two down.” Rarity replied happily.

“Cool,” Purple Heart groaned as he clambered off the Red Clone he’d crushed. “Eight more to go.”

“Mine next please!” Wits cried out as he scampered away from the pursuing White Clone. The rest of the group just watched the chase play out, completely unwilling to assist the smart alek.

“I’m not happy, P.H.,” Grim Hammer the Original sneered as he lunged to attack the Purple Barbarian. “Not. Happy. Ask me why.”

Purple Heart blinked as he avoided the attack and set about dodging. “Why?”

“Why what? Be specific now.”

With a roll of his eyes, the purple earth pony sighed. “Why are you unhappy?”

“Your rudeness makes me unhappy.”

“What, are you complaining?”

“Complaining. Feh, I don’t complain. I can handle that. What I can’t handle is your team’s inexplicable knowledge of how not to work together!”

The Mane Six and Amber frowned at the insult but remained silent as Grim Hammer continued his rant.

“You’re clueless. Clueless, P.H.! You aren’t exploiting every loophole or dodging the obstacles! You haven’t penetrated our defenses!”

If this continues in the manner that I think it will, Grim Hammer’s gonna get tossed through a wall, Purple Heart mused thoughtfully.

“Should we do something?” Rainbow Dash asked, stomping on Twilight’s clone and thus removing it from the battle.

“Nah,” Wits said, sighing in relief as Light Patch struck a hefty blow to his clone. Four down.

“Are you saying we shouldn’t help our friend?” Pinkie asked.

“Caution dictates that I answer, ‘nah’ once again.” Wits shrugged. “He can handle himself. And he didn’t help me.”

“You’re supposed to help your friends!” Grim Hammer snapped. “Starting with your immediate comrades, P.H.! Who’s helping them out, huh?”

A crunch echoed through the fight as Light Patch crushed the purple Grim Hammer clone by dropping on it with his hammer like it was a pogo stick. “I think we’ve got this pretty well handled Mr Mighty Morphing.” the pegasus stallion said, “By the way, I do hope you didn’t mind me dropping in like that Rarity.”

“Don’t make me kick you again,” the unicorn mare muttered.

“What if I’d said one good drop deserves ano-” Light Patch’s sentence was cut short by Rarity’s kick.

“I warned you,” Rarity sniffed.

“A party group is like-”

“Is like an enormous clock, yes, I’ve heard this before!” Purple Heart snapped, interrupting Grim Hammer.

“So it only works if all the little cogs mesh together,” Grim Hammer continued, ignoring the interruption. “Now-”

“WE GET IT!” Purple Heart roared, slamming a hoof into Grim Hammer’s chestplate.

“Oh,” Grim Hammer hummed, looking down at his dented chestplate. “Ow.” The strings connecting all the Clones to the original dissipated, leaving them empty husks that promptly fell apart.

Wits End looked up from the pile that used to be the yellow clone he had been mauling. “Wait, what? Did we accidentally win?”

“I think we accidentally won,” Twilight said. “I’ll admit, I expected a bit more… drama and difficulty.”

“Dark Souls, this was not,” Wits muttered. “So, what’s next? Does Solaire-pony come back for a rematch of the most disappointing boss fight?”

“I believe now it is time for a little rematch between Purple Heart and Grim Hammer.” Light Patch guessed.

“A rematch it shall be, then.” Grim Hammer said, assuming a defensive stance.

“I think not,” the purple stallion said before turning to his friends. “Mentalgen?” he asked, prompting the other two colts to move to his side.

“Of course,” Light Patch replied.

“I don’t suppose I could reverse my views on team work now, could I?” Grim Hammer asked nervously.

“I’m sorry but time isn’t that wibbily wobbly,” Wits End replied.

“Here’s a question, Purple Heart: how many hits does it take to get to the center of a Grim Hammer?” Light Patch asked.

“I’m not sure. Let's find out.” the purple stallion replied.

Light Patch bolted forward using his wings for added speed and bashed Grim Hammer towards Wits End. “One.”

“T-hoo,” Wits End said, swinging the extended handle of his sword-spear like a bat and slicing Grim Hammer’s titular hammer’s head off.

“Three,” Purple heart said as he punched Grim Hammer’s helmet, shattering it. “The world may never know.” The flames within Grim Hammer were doused as the armor fell to pieces.

“Welp, that’s done,” Purple Heart stated, dusting off his hooves. “Little anticlimactic, but it’s done nonetheless.” He turned to the rest of the group. “Onwards?”

Twilight stood still staring at the three colts. “What?” the three asked at once.

“Sorry, I just, forgot you three could actually work together,” she replied.

Wits End blinked. “We were working together?”

“It’s news to me,” Light Patch replied.

“Regardless, yes, I do believe we shal-” she was interrupted as Discord suddenly appeared in a cloud of cotton.

“Congratulations,” Discord began with a flourish, “You have all leveled up.”

“Yay?” Rainbow Dash said. “Quick question, though. WHERE WERE YOU DURING THAT FIGHT?”

“I was busy leading the army you’ve all assembled to keep the villains’ armies from overwhelming you as they supported Grim Hammer.” Discord replied, laying on a couple of conveniently placed sconces. “I’m beginning to feel that this little game has gone on long enough, so hurry and level so we get get this all over with,” he said, examining his talons.

Wits raised an eyebrow. “Now it’s gone on long enough? How long have we been here? Like, 2 years?”

Pinkie Pie placed a forehoof on the mint-colored unicorn’s shoulder. “Leave the meta commentary to me, Minty.”

“Look, I’ve missed launch day of Dark Souls 3 in here. This is a dire situation and I’m going into withdrawals.”

“I can help with that!” Pinkie pulled out the party cannon, aiming it directly at Wits’ face.

Wits blanched. “You know what? Let’s just level up!”

“Well, this is a really hard decision. I mean there are so many things I could choose. I just don’t kno-” Light Patch was cut off as Discord announced what he’d chosen for his new skill.

“Huh, you chose the Blooming Skeletons skill. I figured you’d have gone for the Lishorrs. Anyway, have fun with your hordes of Puppeteer Vine controlled skeletons.”

“Ye gods,” Wits muttered.

“Is that bad?” Twilight asked.

“I mean… It’s not good.”

“Hey,” Applejack cut in, “why ain’t we levelin’ up too?”

Discord looked down his snout at the cowpony. “Did you land the last hits on the mini-boss?”

“Well… naw, but-”

“Look, I didn’t make the rules.” He held up a finger to cut off Twilight, Wits, Pinkie, and Fluttershy, all ready to correct him. “Technically, I did, but I can’t control them now. Sorry, but only those three got the experience.”

“Boy, we’re gonna get some comments about that,” Wits muttered.

“What did I say about the meta commentary?” Pinkie shot back. Literally, as the party cannon went off in the unicorn’s face. A small victory chime rang from where Discord was.

Wits spat out a mouthful of confetti. “She just leveled up on me, didn’t she.”

“Little bit,” Discord mumbled. “Just level up so we can get this over with.”

“Fiiine.” Wits thought for a moment. “Powers Combined have a nice and menacing name. I’ll take that.”

“You just picked that cuz it sounds cool?” Purple Heart asked. “Snrk. Welp, I guess I’ll choose-”

“No choosing for you,” Discord interrupted. “You, o’ Bruise, get Magic.” The ten ponies blinked and stared at the draconequus.

“Care to explain that please?” Purple Heart asked.

Wits End put his forelegs over his head, opening them in a rainbow shape and using a low-level version of Lightning Bolt to form a small light show between his hooves. “Maaaaaaagic~”

Purple Heart glared at the minty colt. “Har har. In case you all haven’t noticed, I’m a barbarian. I am not wizard material in the least. No green spells of death or flaming elephants for me. No sir.”

Twilight’s frown shifted to recognition and she gaped at Discord. “Are you telling me that he’s been getting by on physical strength alone?!” The rest of the Mane Six jerked in surprise while Discord nodded solemnly.

“Our Purple Bruise hasn’t even tapped into his inherent earth pony magic and has only been using his physical prowess to skate through the game,” Discord explained. “Mister Bael is suitably annoyed that his nemesis is ‘wimpy.’”

“Hey!” Purple Heart squawked irritably.

“So, what you’re saying,” Twilight mused, ignoring the insulted purple earth pony, “is that Purple Heart might not be a purple bruise if he just used his magic?” She snorted in amusement at Discord’s nod. “So many problems would’ve been solved had that happened earlier.”

“Meh,” Purple Heart sniffed. “Welp, we colts leveled up, we defeated the mini-boss, won some things. So, now what?”

“So now, we beat the stuffing outta a trio of villains and get ourselves back home,” Wits said, tapping the ground with a forehoof. “Speaking of which, we should get started before they have time to prepare.”

“I’m sure it’s a bit late for that,” Twilight said with a sigh, “but you're right. Let's hurry up and get this over with.” Several heads nodded in agreement. The group was about to start moving towards the next room when Light Patch noticed Rarity staring at him while swinging a leg.

“Why are you staring at me like that? And what's with the leg? Does it hurt or are you practicing somethi-” He froze in mid sentence as his eyes shrank to pin pricks. “No, no, no. Don’t even think about it,” the grey pegasus said, backing away before turning to rush to the other side of the group and towards the next room.

“Um, Rarity, what were you thinking of?” Fluttershy quiety asked as the group moved to catch up.

“Oh, just a passing idea,” the white mare replied.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 91: The Center Cannot Holdfast

“Taking bets now,” Wits said, hoof on the throne room door. “Do you think all three of them will be in here? Just one? And if so, which one? I’m betting Just Duty’s looking forward to some intimate moments with a certain pegasus.”

“Why would Just Duty want to meet with me?” Rainbow Dash asked. Wits End turned, giving the rainbow-maned pegasus a blank stare. “What?”

“I think Rainbow’s trying to muscle in on your waifu,” Purple Heart whispered, elbowing Light Patch, leaving the pegasus colt to mutter quietly about it not being too late to throw them both out a window.

“I still haven’t found out what a waifu is,” Fluttershy said, her face creasing into an irritated frown.

“Now I’m curious,” Twilight hummed, looking at the colts. “What is a waifu?”

The rest of the mares all looked expectantly at the three stallions, waiting for a definition. Purple Heart and Light Patch immediately looked at Wits End.

“Well?” Purple Heart prompted. “Care to explain, Mister Waifu Aficionado?”

Wits End’s mouth formed a thin line. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

Fluttershy blinked, turning to Pinkie Pie. “Do you know what a waifu is?”

The pink party pony grinned. “Yep!”

“And I’m a year older than you…”

“HEY, LOOK! A BOSS FIGHT!” Wits shouted, his voice breaking as he swung the throne room doors open. “Traverse the nightmare fog, start up the boss music! Here we go!”

“Next time,” Purple Heart growled, “I’ll tell them! He’s skirted that question enough!”

“Unless there is the strongest dragon that we’ve ever seen, I’m not going to be impressed,” Light Patch said.

The door opened into a throne room of massive size. The walls on either side lined with stained glass windows depicting the greatest moments in the kingdom’s history. Towering marble columns were placed at regular intervals on either side of the silken red carpet running down the middle of the room. At the end of the carpet was a raised dais, a throne of antique greatwood and ornate wrought iron seated at the top. Light filtered through the colored windows, making colored patterns on the path ahead.

Wits End whistled. “I confess, I’ll admit, I’m impressed.”

“I should hope so,” Holdfast said from his place on the throne. “The last two kings had this room designed to intimidate anypony who entered.” He grinned, more empty suits of armor entering from entryways hidden behind the dais to line the walls. “Somehow, I expected the lot of you to be more… menacing when you finally arrived.”

“Hey, being disappointed by boss fights is my thing,” Wits snapped back, taking a step toward the throne. “Where’re your friends Green Man Group and the Crusader Lover?”

“Ask them yourself, why don’t you?” Holdfast gestured to his villainous compatriots.

“Green Man Group?” Bael cocked his head to one side. He caught Purple Heart’s gaze and frowned. “Do you know what he’s talking about?”

Purple Heart shrugged. “He’s said weirder,” he admitted. “How’re you?”

Bael made his own shrug. “Eh, could be better,” he replied. “Shoulders are a little sore.”

The mares just stared at Purple Heart’s wince. “Owch, not fun.”

“What?” Twilight whispered.

“This is so surreal,” Applejack shivered. “When have the heroes ever had conversations with the villains?”

“Hey, at least he isn’t monologuing,” Pinkie pointed out.

“Would you rather I did?” Bael asked.

“NO.” The Mane Six declined.

Just Duty’s hammer thudded into the ground. “Today we settle this,” he snorted and glared towards Light Patch. “Your lies and false heroism end here and now. Make your peace while you still have a chance, for you shall soon be seeing just how real this world is.”

“I think we got the full gambit of reactions there,” Wits said, taking another step toward the throne. “So, is this the part where we beat the ever-loving crap outta you three with our superior powers of friendship and jolly cooperation?”

“We could do that,” Holdfast mused, “Or…” He tapped a hoof on the arm of the throne. The Armoroids moved forward, forming a wall of steel behind the mint-colored unicorn, between him and the rest of his party. “I think this way is much better.”

“Wits!” Twilight moved forward, her horn glowing as she prepared a spell.

“Wait!” Wits held out a hoof. He looked back over his shoulder and grinned. “I know the rules of boss fights. Health scales with the number of combatants. If I start losing, you can jump in, but for now…” his grin widened, “this is something the captain’s gotta do for himself.”

Twilight was silent for a moment. Finally, she sighed and dispelled what she was preparing. “He’s gonna get beat up,” she muttered.

“I heard that!”

“Good luck, sah!” Purple Heart called. “Crack on and all that tosh!”

“Can I still heal him afterwards?” Fluttershy inquired.

“Only if ah get to say, ‘told ya so’,” Applejack replied.

“Me too!” Pinkie chirped.

“If you thought a double boss battle was bad, this is gonna be much worse,” Light Patch shouted, pulling out a bag of nuts he had stashed away in his gear.

“Yeah, he’s gonna get mobbed,” Rainbow said.

“You aren’t very confident in your friend, are you?” Amber mused.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Rarity sniffed. “Maybe.”

Wits End turned back to the group, holding out a forehoof. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” He turned back to the trio of villains, leaving Twilight to be confused by the other two colts pretending to choke. “Alright, which one of you is gonna be first?”

“First?” Holdfast asked, almost innocently. “Unlike your little band, we plan to fight together. Isn’t that right?”

Bael waved a hand dismissively and sprawled across the steps leading to the throne. He frowned, shifting off the steps and stood, thinking better of his seating. “Have at them,” he said. “I only have to fight Purple Heart.”

The ex-chancellor blinked and opened his mouth to speaking. “Bu-”

“Not my job,” Bael interrupted, folding his arms across his chest as he sat cross legged on the top step of the dais.

Holdfast growled, then tsked. “Fine. I’m sure the paladin has more honor than you anyway. Isn’t that right?”

Just Duty glanced at Bael before seemingly deciding to come to a conclusion as he locked his cold gaze on Holdfast. “I do, and that is why I won’t be throwing it away for scum like you. He has bravely opted to fight all three of us alone. Even without Bael and I, you should still have the numerical advantage. So please, allow me the honor of observing how honorless curs like you fight.”

Wits End’s grin widened further as he watched the barely controlled rage work it way across the snow-white stallion’s face. “Some nice friends you’ve got there, Holdfast.”

“Enough!” Holdfast pounded his forehoof on the throne. He shot a glare at the two other villains. “I’ll deal with you two later. After all, I do have more than enough to deal with him.” He waved a hoof, setting a dozen Armoroids on the lone unicorn.

Wits watched as the suits of armor surrounded him. “Do you know what a callback is?” he asked no-pony in particular. His horn glowed a pale blue speckled with pink, the same color surrounding the suits of armor that still lined the walls. “Powers Combined: Manipulate + Party Cannon!” The glowing suits flung themselves forward, piling on top of the ones advancing on the unicorn. A glow built up from the center of the pile, culminating in an explosion of light and confetti. Once the flurry of motion had passed, Wits End stood on top of a pile of pieces of armor; each one crushed and mangled. “That’s what it is.”

Rarity smiled. “I taught him that.”

“No you didn’t,” Pinkie corrected. “That was the ability he just got.”

“I did the first part back at the beginning of our little adventure, therefore he learned it from me. Don’t ruin the moment, darling.”

“I suppose that would’ve been too easy,” Holdfast grumbled. “Fine! Maybe these two will be more of a challenge for you!”

A pair of larger suits of armor stepped forward, each one twice the size even of Purple Heart. One drew a sword as big as Wits End, a pair of steel-clad wings unfolding from its back. The other readied a great bow, nocking an arrow that was more like a lance.

Wits End whistled. “Well, a double boss fight. It’s fine. I’ve beaten Ornstallion and Smo-”

The lance-like projectile slammed into the unicorn stallion’s chest, sending him flying through one of the stained glass windows. Holdfast raised an eyebrow. “That’s was easier than I expected. The fall should take care of him for good.”

Rainbow Dash leaned over to Twilight. “Do you think he’ll remember?”

“He won’t remember,” Twilight muttered. “I just hope he can survive the fall damage. But he’s definitely not going to remember-”

With a flurry of wings, a second Rainbow Dash flew through a second window, sending glass flying toward the side of the room the villains were in. The faux-speedster landed and transformed back into Wits End, who brushed himself off. “I remembered I can fly.”

“Told ya,” Rainbow Dash said with a grin.

“How?” Holdfast demanded.

“What, the Rod from Celestia to the face? Little bit of Oaken Shield, little bit of copied Aegis.” Wits shrugged. “I’ve had worse. Speaking of worse, I had an idea on the way down.” His horn glowed purple and blue, arcs of electricity jumping about his body. “Powers Combined: Focus + Lighting Bolt!”

The lightning bolt blasted the bow-wielding suit of armor, turning it temporarily into a light bulb. It collapsed to one side, smoke rising from between the joints. “Well, if that’s all it takes to bring one down,” Twilight said, “then this will be an easy fight.”

The remaining suit raised its sword, running a forehoof along the flat of the blade. A red light passed from it into the other suit of armor. After a moment, the fallen armor stood again, picking up its bow once again.

Wits End blanched. “Oh sugar honey iced tea, it’s the end of Dark Souls 2 all over again. Which one is watching the throne and which one is defending it?”

“You still sure you don’t want help?” Light Patch chimed in from the edge. “I mean, I’ve got an instant army skill and everything.”

“Nah, I’ve got thi-” the rest of Wits’ reply was cut off as he had to dodge-roll for his life.

“We should really just step in and help him.” Twilight finally spoke up after watching the swirling battle.

“Nah, he’s got this,” Light Patch replied with a dismissive hoof wave, “I’m sure he’s got some brilliant plan on how to win this.”

“Of the three of us, he’s the best at brilliant planning,” Purple Heart added. “I will admit that I am slightly concerned.”

“Only slightly?” Applejack snorted.

“I believe he’s perfectly capable of winning,” Purple Heart said. “I just think that he’ll be a little bit more bruised afterwards. I mean, I’m the bulwark, the meat shield. I’m supposed to stand there taking hits while Light and Wits hit the mobs from far away.”

“And yet you whine about getting hit,” Light Patch snarked.

“Hey, at least I learned how to stand still when you heal and can now refrain from running ahead to find carptonnes of mobs,” Purple Heart defended.

“I have a feeling that this is a long running argument,” Twilight whispered to the other mares.

“Indeed,” Amber agreed.

“Do you think he has a plan?” Pinkie asked excitedly, completely changing the subject.

“Yes,” Fluttershy answered resolutely.

The mares and two colts looked at the yellow pegasus, surprised at her determination. Purple Heart turned back to the fighting colt and yelled.

“Wits! Your waifu believes in you! You are filled with determination!”

The mint-colored colt rolled away from a swinging blade, sucking in his stomach to avoid an incoming arrow. “I’m glad one of us believes in me,” he muttered under his breath, bending backwards to avoid a horizontal swipe at his face by the sword-wielder. “I could really use a plan right now. Or a distraction. Heck, I’d take a jump-cut to a completely unrelated scene. Maybe that’d be enough time to come up with something.”

* * *

Wits dodged backwards away from another sword blow. “Nope! Scene change didn’t work!” He looked up in time to see the bow-wielding armor loose another arrow, this one aimed right at his face. “Powers Combined: Oaken Shield + Vines!” A cone of thick green vines surrounded the unicorn, catching the arrow an inch away from his face and obscuring him from view. “Come on!” he raged, batting uselessly at the arrowhead. “Give me something to work with here!”

“How about a minor villain?”

“Yeah, that would work.” Wits blinked. “What, what?”

“Oh, how quickly they forget,” the voice in Wits’ head tisked. “I told you I’d be back if you messed up.”

“Palm Tree?”

“And I thought Keen Palm was a lazy name for me. Why couldn’t you have chosen something better to call me? Like ‘Bad End’? That would be more interesting thematically.”

Wits watched as the point of a sword stabbed through his viney shield. “You know, this might not be the best time to complain about my naming sense.”

“Are you saying that you’re at your…Wits End?”

The unicorn’s face went blank. “Really? This whole adventure, just to lead up to that pun?”

“Believe me, Discord’s been trying to make it happen ever since the scorpion.”

A second sword narrowly avoided Wits’ spine, forcing him to twist out of the way. “Not to cut this short of anything, but I’m kinda wrapped up in the most deadly game of pop-up pirate known to ponykind. Is there a point to this call?”

“Think about it. What else happened last time we were in the same body together?”

“I don’t think seducing the suits of armor is gonna be the answer here.” He tilted his head, avoiding a third blade. “Where is it getting all of these swords?”

“You’re questioning the rules of an RPG world now? Regardless, use that brain of yours for something other than filling space in your skull. We had all of one fight during that time. What happened in it?”

A fourth sword, this one between Wits’ hind legs. “Can we skip the 20 questions portion?”

“No.”

“Fine! Uh… It was the Team Rocket-alikes, wasn’t it? I kept you from turning our little story TV-MA.”

The voice seemed to clap its metaphorical hooves. “Well done, you have a memory. What happened to them instead?”

“I dunno? You sent them to some random village to the…south?”

“North.”

“I was close.”

“Not even slightly.”

“Is there a point somewhere in this? It’s getting a little hard to-” Wits sucked his stomach in again to avoid yet another sword blade jabbed into his sanctuary. “-breathe.”

“Fine. I’ll make this quick.”

“NOW you’re making it quick?”

“Shh, quiet time. What if I said the village I sent them too was the same one those three scoundrels were in when they stole Discord’s power?”

“I’d say I think I’m blacking out from lack of oxygen. Then again, I think I’d say that in response to anything at this point.”

“Fair enough. Short version then. I sent those two to the same village that the villains stole their power in. Holdfast gained the power to put the souls of ponies into suits of armor. Where do you think he got those souls?”

“Souls ‘R’ Us?”

“I can see this is going nowhere. I’ll wrap up then, since you seem to be turning more blue than green now. Those two bandits owe me a favor, and you should really think about where you’ve seen a pair of ponies fighting with a sword-wielding pegasus and bow-wielding unicorn before. Ta-ra.”

With that, the voice was gone. Wits looked around at his sword situation, and how he was running out of ways to dodge. He stopped, a sudden thought hitting him. “Oh. Oh! Ohhhhhh. Okay. Got it.” Outside of the viney barrier, he heard the rasp of another sword being drawn. “That’s my cue, then.”

The swordspony armor advanced on the green, leafy cocoon, holding one of the swords belonging to a smaller suit of armor. It raised the blade, ready to bring the point straight down through the cone of vines.

“Powers Combined: Needle Storm + Jan Ken…” In a burst of light, the cocoon exploded, sending thorns and needles in all directions. The sword-bearing armor stumbled backwards, a massive dent in its chestplate. Wits was standing in the center of the explosion, one smoking forehoof raised to the ceiling. “...Hufu. I think chipped my hoof with that one.”

“Quite impressive,” Holdfast mused. “But pointless.” The bowpony armor glowed, healing the damage done to its partner. “They can keep fighting forever. You, not so much.”

Wits grinned. “You’re forgetting something. Something I have, and you don’t.”

Holdfast raised an eyebrow. “What? The power of friendship?”

“Better.” Wits’ horn glowed yellow and a pale light.

“And what’s that?”

“The power of waifus.” He turned on the two giant suits of armor, his eyes glowing with the same light as his horn. “Powers Combined: Guiding Sunlight + The Stare.”

The two suits of armor froze, as if transfixed by Wits’ gaze. Holdfast chuckled to himself. “What? A weak suggestion spell and the look of a coward? And what do you plan on doing with that? I hold total control over these suits of armor. What can you do with that to defeat me?”

“Oh, I can’t do anything with this,” Wits said. “I’m a pony. Just a pony who can’t even save one little colt. Just a pony who’s an adventurer for fun. Just a pony who can’t say no- Wait, that’s not the one.” He shook his head. “The point is I can’t do a dang thing.”

A light passed over Wits’ body. His mint-colored fur turned a sickly, artichoke green; his mane a raven black; his limbs elongating and thinning. “But this guy,” Wits said, fully transformed into Keen Palm. “This guy can do something a little like this.” He glared at the two suits. “You two owe me, so…remember who you are.”

The suits of armor shuddered; the sword-wielder dropping to one set of knees while the bowpony took a step back. Holdfast was silent for a moment, then shook his head. “You see? You can’t do anything to them.”

“Actually,” Discord said, descending from the ceiling, “he can.”

“Where the flying frack have you been?” Wits shouted, turning back to the short mint-colored colt he was before.

“Watching. Always watching. From a safe distance of course.” Discord flipped over, landing next to the gathering of ponies. “See, when I made the rules of this game, I maaaay have been a bit biased. Just a touch. No-pony would have even noticed, really, except that you,” he leveled a clawed finger at Holdfast, “went and made the the short little mint angry in a way that both he and I can agree on.”

To his credit, Holdfast maintained a poker face while facing down what had been the literal god of the world. “And what’s that?”

“You don’t insult Fluttershy on our watch,” Wits stated. “Bugsy, Mugsy, go fetch.”

The sword-bearing suit of armor turned its helmet to look at the colt. “You do not control us,” it said, voice echoing in the hollow armor. For a moment, Holdfast grinned.

Wits End smiled wide. “No?” He reached into his cloak, producing a small cloth bag that jingled slightly. Reaching in, he held a small metal coin in his hoof. “I have bits.”

The pair of armors turned to each other for a second, then turned back to Wits End and the coin, back to each other, and then to Holdfast on the throne. “Ya heard th’ boss,” Mugsy, the bow-wielding armor, said, drawing an arrow and aiming at the former chancellor.

“You can’t do this!” Holdfast shouted.

“Actually, we can,” the swordspony, the one with the soul of Bugsy, said. He level his blade at the stallion on the throne. “And, if you watch carefully,” he dashed forward, grabbing Holdfast by his cloak, “you will see that we are.”

“You-” Holdfast squirmed against the steel grip of his former minion as it dragged him off the throne and over to where the mint-colored pony was standing. “You-”

“Can’t do this, I know,” Wits said, shaking his head. “I’ve heard it before. And yet, some how, blah blah blah, there’s a lot of monologuing I could do about friendship and love and all those other things that helped me through this journey. But, honestly, the most important thing is this.” Wits End poked Holdfast in the chest with his hoof. “I. Win. And you. Lose.”

Holdfast grit his teeth and growled. “And what are you going to do now? Kill me and get it over with?”

“Kill you?” Wits sounded shocked. “Why would I kill you? You were the greatest help of all in your eventual downfall! I should be thanking you as my greatest ally. Possibly even as a good friend.” He grinned at the look of pure rage on Holdfast’s face. “But no, I’m not gonna kill you. I’m gonna let you stay just as you are, and have you watch as we completely and utterly destroy all of that work you’ve put into taking over. You’re gonna watch us win, and rebuild the kingdom, and then? Then the nine of us are going back to our world, and you can live for however long you can knowing that there’s no way for you to get that revenge you want so much.”
Wits patted Holdfast’s cheek and turned, tossing the pouch of bits to Mugsy. “Keep him still while we watch the rest of the show, will you?” With that, he turned away.

“You haven’t won yet!” Holdfast shouted. “I’ll find you, no matter where you go! I’m the rightful king of this land, and nothing is going to stop me from getting my revenge! No-pony stops me from getting my revenge!”

Wits rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I suppose that’s right. Buuuuut…” He spun around, punching the snow-white stallion square in the jaw. “Doesn’t mean I have to listen to you whine about it.” He walked back to the rest of the group, a smug smile on his face. “And that,” he said, addressing the other 8 ponies, “is how a real villain handles things.”

“Bravo, Bravo!” Light Patch shouted, stomping his fore hooves, “Bad Horse would surely be impressed. So, what do you have planned for the encore?”

“I’m slightly surprised you’re not mad at him stealing your alleged thunder, what with the whole slightly evil thing you have,” Rarity noted.

“I would, but it was expertly done,” the pegasus colt replied.

“Well done,” Purple Heart congratulated. “What’s your next trick?”

“Give him a break,” Amber chided. “He just had the fight of his life. He needs to rest now.”

“I concur,” Twilight agreed. “Why don’t you go next?”

Purple Heart looked over his shoulder at Bael and sighed. “Might as well.”

“I’M FINE, THANKS,” Wits half-shouted. “Thanks for letting me answer those questions you’ve asked. I somehow managed to hold my own against Throne Defender and Throne Watcher by myself. Nice to know my friends are so concerned about my physical health after almost dying like twenty-seven times.”

“Are you alright?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Wits’ eye twitched. “Just a lot of adrenaline right now. I’m gonna go over here for a while and try not to freak out.”

Purple Heart waved a hoof. “Eh, I’m sure you’ll be fine,” he said. “Especially if you’re in Fluttershy’s tender care. Though, she might not be pleased with how much you hurt yourself.”

“Which could’ve been avoided had you assisted him!” Applejack snapped.

“He said he could handle it,” the purple earth pony pointed out. “Contrary to popular belief, we are rather independent and only really need help if we face cheating AI.”

“In any case, we still have two more to deal with,” Rarity noted.

“One actually. Just Duty slipped out once the Armoroids turned on my fallen companion,” Bael said as he started to walk away. “I’d suggest you go deal with him first. I’ll be waiting for you elsewhere, Purple Heart. Do try to not waste your power elsewhere.”

“I guess we know which one we’re going after next,” Twilight said with a sigh. “Now we’ve just gotta find him in an entire castle.”

“At least the villains armies are all basically taken care of now,” Rainbow replied. “That should speed things up decently. This castle can’t be that big.”

“There are about four hundred and fifty known rooms in the main castle,” Amber shot back.

“Oh,” The pegasus replied dropping to the ground in defeat.

“Check the records room.” The group turned to Holdfast. “He’s been down there repeatedly since we took the castle.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at the stallion. “And why should we trust you?”

“Because you saw how he betrayed me before our fight,” Holdfast growled.

“I say we believe him,” Wits said.

Fluttershy’s eyebrows shot up. “Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s in his character.” Wits looked over at Holdfast. “He wants revenge. If he can’t get it on his enemies, he might as well get it on his allies, right?”

Holdfast smiled. “We’re more alike than you thought, it seems.”

Slowly, Wits crossed over to the stallion and patted him on the cheek again. “Nah, we’re not. But it’s cute that you think we are. Sorry, but the hero-villain love interest is reserved for Patchy and Duty.”

Light Patch looked over at Holdfast with a disgruntled look. “How many bits will you give me if I hit him?” he asked, nodding his head at Wits End.

“To be fair, you’d do it for free,” Wits said. He looked up at the two nandits-turned-armoroids. “Take him down to the dungeon. I hear there’s a prisoner who’d have some words for him.” With that, he trotted back to the group. “So, to the record room?”

“Yeah,” Light Patch replied simply, a nervous smile on his face.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Chapter 92: Narrate the Mechanics

Light Patch peeked through the doorway of the records room. “Is all of this caution really necessary? Just go in, hit ‘em with your hammer a couple of times and we can move on,” Rainbow Dash shouted at the pegasus colt.

“Yes, yes it is. He’s gone from highly predictable to barely predictable.” Light Patch turned to face Rainbow and hefted his hammer. “Do you know how much one of these to the face hurts? Because I do. It’s a lot. So, excuse me princess,” he drew the words out and pitched his voice, “if I take the time to make sure I don’t get a surprise one to the face.” He was about to carry on but he was grabbed from behind and suddenly dragged into the room.

Wits End stared at the spot where the pegasus colt had been a moment before. “Well, he’s dead forever. Let’s move on to Bael and cut our losses.”

“It sounds like you’ve got a plan in mind,” Discord mused. “I think I’ll go and annoy Holdfast for a bit. Feel free to send Just Duty once you’ve beaten him.”

“What, you’re not sticking around?”

“I think I’ll be more of a hinderance when it comes to a paladin questioning the existence of his deities. T.T.F.N!” With that, Discord faded away like a mismatched Cheshire Cat.

Wits watched the toothy smile disappear. “Do you think if I leveled up again, I’d be able to copy that?”

“Shut up and let’s help him!” Twilight shouted, charging into the room. She disappeared through the doorway only to scream in horror on the other side, shocking the rest of the group into action and following after her. On the other side, they found a massive room full of massive shelves laden with massive books and an massive number of scrolls. But, to Twilight’s horror, books had been thrown around and scrolls littered the floor like fallen leaves, several showing signs of having been trodden over. The group could hear her muttering under her breath about the horror.

“Good, the rest of you are here as well. Get to searching,” Just Duty said from the shelves he’d dragged Light Patch to.

“Searching for what?” Purple Heart asked, blinking at the abused books and scrolls. Twilight was still whimpering about the Ponanity.

“Proof,” was all the ex-paladin replied, simply tossing a scroll over his shoulder.

“Proof of what?” Pinkie asked, pulling out her detective hat. “Of who ate the cookie from the cookie jar? What happened to all of those cakes that Celestia charged with criminal deliciousness? Proof of the book worshiping religion Twilight created when she was six?” Pinkie finished, prompting Twilight to look at the mare in surprise and fear.

“Proof that this world isn’t the made up place you all make it out to be. I know there is some strong proof in here. I can feel it,” Just Duty replied, glancing through a scroll.

“And just what is this proof supposed to look like?” Light Patch asked, grabbing a scroll to look through.

“I do not know. I just know it’s in here.” he replied.

“Well, how far back should we look?” Rarity asked, stepping around Twilight.

“I do not know,” the ex paladin tersely replied. “I don’t know!” he shouted, cutting off the next question. “Just look, it is here. I know it must be here,” he finished quietly. “This is the castle's record room. These go all of the way back to the kingdom’s founding. There must be something in here, please,” the stallion finished in a pleading whisper. The group glanced between each other, but all began to quietly search.

Rainbow Dash edged closer to Applejack and Rarity as the two set about combing through the tomes yet to be perused. “I thought Light Patch was supposed to be fighting Just Duty,” the cyan pegasus whispered. The other mares jerked around to look at Just Duty, thinking that the ex-paladin had heard Rainbow’s statement. Fortunately, he hadn’t, and was still pulling book after book from the shelves.

“I think Just Duty is having a bit of a mid-boss fight crisis,” Pinkie proposed.

“Indeed,” Rarity agreed, arching an eyebrow over her shoulder. “It seems his confidence or trust in his...compatriots has been severely shaken.”

“No kiddin’,” Applejack snorted. “Bael just left the two to fight alone. That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.”

“It seems that his world view has been rendered invalid,” Amber piped up. “I don’t know his motives, but he seemed to put a great deal of faith in how things were run.”

“Maybe Discord was his patron deity,” Wits mused. His voice dropped to a whisper as he leaned toward the group and away from the paladin. “Quick question: what happens when he finds proof that everything he knows is wrong?”

“What happens if he finds proof that everything he knows is not wrong?” Pinkie asked.

“I think mine is a bit more likely, to be honest.”

“If he finds out that all his preconceived notions are incorrect,” Purple Heart muttered, “things are going to go south very quickly. I don’t know what kind of a fighter Just Duty is, but I’m certain he won’t be a goldfish.” The group fell silent as they continued to dredge for proof one way or the other.

“It seems like the farther back we, go the less well sorted these dates get,” Twilight noted after a few minutes.

“The older the records the less they are referenced, and so the less care is put into organizing them,” Amber chimed in from where she stood.

“I must say the ponies that redo these scrolls put in a lot of good effort, some of these oldest ones look positively new,” Rarity said, turning one of the scrolls over in her magic before Just Duty suddenly looked up at her.

“Impossible, other than magic to help them resist the effects of time they are not recopied or retouched,” he said before turning back to his scroll.

“Something, isn’t right,” Light Patch murmured, looking at one of the scrolls and feeling something gnawing at the back of his mind. “Hey Twilight, bring me some of the oldest ones you can find. Queen Amber, could you grab the two newest ones?” He continued grabbing a few from the shelf he was on and took them over to a desk which he swept clean and then began pouring over his selection, ignoring Twilight’s look of anger. Amber brought the newest scrolls she’d found and pinned them open for the pegasus, who’d begun to examine them closely. As he went, he called for more and more scrolls until eventually the whole group had gathered to see what he was looking for.

“What have you found?” Just Duty asked, bringing the oldest scroll in the records.

“Proof that Discord got lazy.” Light Patch said after sorting the last few scrolls on the table. “If you look at just the paper and ink of the scrolls they all look the same, and well cared for. Even the oldest scroll looks like it’s brand new. But don’t just look at the paper and how faded the ink is, check the typefaces.” He froze at the questioning gazes from most of the ponies present. “The writing, the letters, and how they were written. You can tell from looking at the newest scrolls. You can tell when a new scribe was brought in to write, or when the pen was wearing out, or maybe even how tired they were when writing.”

“So?” Just Duty asked. “Where are you going with this?”

“Look at the oldest scrolls,” Light Patch continued. “Once you pass a certain date, all of that variation disappears. They all look perfectly the same; every stroke, every dot. Even the mistakes are perfectly replicated from scroll to scroll. This would make sense if the scrolls were recopied, but you said they aren’t,” the pegasus stallion finished, stepping aside so Just Duty could observe them carefully for himself. The more he looked between the scrolls, the more frantic his motions became. Suddenly, he tore the oldest scroll from the table and bolted back to the shelves here we grabbed scrolls and compared them to the one he held.

“It looks like we’re about to find out the answer to your question,” Applejack quietly said to Wits End as she watched the ex-paladin frantically search the shelves.

“I’m surprised the thing that gave it away wasn’t the kerning,” the mint-colored unicorn replied.

“Popcorn kerning?” Pinkie asked.

“...Yes. Exactly. Popcorn kerning. You should definitely tell Patchy about that.”

“Most definitely,” Purple Heart agreed. “Watching him blow a gasket can be amusing.”

“And when it’s not?” Twilight inquired.

“Then we don’t let him drive.”

“...I’m not even going to ask for clarification.”

“A wise choice.”

All heads turned when they heard Just Duty trotting back towards the group. His expression was stern, but all of the ponies could see the fire in his eyes as he trotted through the group, back to the desk to drop into a chair. He sat in the chair for a few moments before he lifted the scroll he still held. With a sudden scream of rage, he tore the scroll apart and pounded on the desk hard enough to snap it in half before just as suddenly, he began crying. Light Patch moved to comfort him when the tears gave way to gales of laughter.

The group glanced between themselves, unsure what to do about the sudden mood swings. “So, uh, you got any ideas Pinkie?” Light Patch asked after a few seconds.

“Nope,” the party mare replied simply.

“Guys?” Light Patch prompted, looking towards his close friends.

“I have experience in many things,” Purple Heart said. “Dealing with Just Duty Joker is not one of them.”

“I know how to handle this,” Wits said from his hiding place behind Purple Heart. “You stay very far away and hope a pony dressed as a bat takes care of things for you.”

“Thanks guys, real helpful,” Light Patch deadpanned before noticing the lack of something and turned to find Just Duty quietly looking at the damaged table before him. “You okay there, Duty?”

“So, this world is a fake; a game made by some being of near unimaginable power for all of you,” Just Duty replied, his voice even. “And I am his attempt at creating a villain just for you. That would make Holdfast his villain then,” he pointed to Wits End. “Because the focus Bael has for your purple giant of a friend leaves no room for doubt.” He waved towards Purple Heart, waiting for Light Patch’s nod of confirmation before he continued. “But they lacked villainous counterparts. Interesting.” He looked at the mares before gazing back at the colts. “The three of us never stood much of a chance, did we?”

“If you understand fictional narrative, then you already know the answer. Then again, I’m sure Discord never meant for you three to usurp him,” Light Patch replied. Just Duty to frown.

“It is a weird feeling to recognize that you were never supposed to win; that you never will win,” he said quietly. Getting up, he walked over to where his hammer laid. He picked it up and carefully studied it. “Seeing as I’m never going to win, I’m sure you won’t mind if I still tried,” he said. A smile grew on his face as he turned to look at Light Patch. The pegasus stallion’s eyes lit up in understanding just in time for him to duck under Just Duty’s first swing. The rest of the group backpedaled quickly to avoid being caught in the sudden fight. Light Patch used his wings to jump over the next strike and land on top of a book case as he attempted to get back to where his hammer laid. Just Duty’s next swing obliterated a shelf just as Light Patch jumped to the next, splinters shredding the scrolls that laid on it, prompting a scream of despair from Twilight.

“I’m ending this before any more innocents are harmed,” Twilight said as she gathered magic in her horn only for the spell to fizzle as Just Duty’s hammer appeared in front of her face.

“No,” Just Duty said, holding his hammer an inch from the alicorn's face, “This is a fight between me and him, just as Discord intended. I will not tolerate it to be anything else.” The ex-paladin’s hammer suddenly flew away from Twilight’s face to deflect a blow from Light Patch as he jumped at him.

Light Patch ducked under Just Duty’s riposte, causing it to smash another shelf. He deflected a second blow into the ground and directly onto one of the few books held in the room. “Why?” Light Patch managed to get out before the rest of his question was cut off by being forced onto the defensive.

“Why continue to fight, despite the fact I know I’ll lose; that none of this matters?” Just Duty replied, easily blocking and dodging all of the pegasus’ blows. “Because this is all I have left. Nothing else matters. My narrative is stripped away.” He swung his hammer in a downward arc, missing his pegasus target but nearly smashing through the floor to the room below. “All of my memories are fake; the ones I’ve actually been... alive? Awake?” He moved to the defensive as he searched for a word. “Around. Yes, that word will do. The ones I’ve been around for are probably only the most recent, the last few months. The rest are just there to make me care about more detailed pieces for a game.” He savagely swing his hammer as his anger increased. “It would be like pretending that all of the wooden figures on a chess board have some meaning; some thing waiting for them once the game ends, something beyond being used in the next game!” He punctuated his statement with a powerful blow that knocked Light Patch back into a, desk shattering it. “Only my mechanics remain.”

“You’d be partly right,” Light Patch said as he pulled himself of the remains of the desk. “If this was just a simple game of chess, or Monopoly. But it’s not. It’s as much a story as it is a game.” He picked up his hammer and advanced towards the waiting ex-paladin. “When you finish a book, its characters live on. They don’t just fade away when you close the page.” He jumped over a low swing from Just Duty to land on the top of a shelf and swung his hammer down towards his opponent. “They continue to exist in the minds of those who read them. The reader remembers them and they affect the reader in their day-to-day lives.” He jumped to another shelf to dodge a blow and retaliating with one of his own that knocked Just Duty away. “Unlike most characters in a story, you’ve been given a very rare chance. In this case, you are as real as you make yourself.”

“As real as I make myself,” the ex-paladin growled. “As real as I make myself? I am a work of fiction; a character in a story! I have to face the fact that when Discord closes the book, I will still be in it!” he shouted at the grey pegasus as he swung his hammer wildy. “I am as real as a thought, as an emotion! I am words on a page given form,” he finished, his fury spent. He looked up at the grey pegasus, fear etched into his face. “What if the character- what if I am forgotten? Do I still exist then?”

“Yes, as long as the character was moving or interesting enough for them to affect the reader's thoughts or change how they possibly act,” Light Patch said, lowering his hammer and approaching to comfort the distraught stallion.

“Then I shall have to make sure my impact is remembered for a long time!” Just Duty suddenly roared, charging at Light Patch. The grey stallion swung his hammer in panic, and the two struck each other and both were launched to opposite ends of the room by critical hits. Both shakily stood up and looked at each other, Just Duty smiled, “We have a nasty tendency to hit each other at the same time, don’t we?” he said, prompting a returned smile. “It is good to know I will not be forgotten for a long time. You’d have been a great paladin. Better than me by far,” Just Duty said. He slumped to the floor, unmoving. Light Patch waved help off as he limped over to where Just Duty lay and checked the stallion. He stood up and turned to the group with a sigh. “He’s unconscious.” Light Patch tapped his hoof to the ground, summoning forth a number of skeletons with vines interweaved through their bones. “I’ll have them haul him down to the infirmary. We should probably go see if we can find Bael before he gets bored and wanders away.” The group turned to leave, but paused when they heard Lght Patch sigh as he watched the skeletons walk away.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked.

“I kind of feel like the last level up was a bit wasted for me. I didn’t even get to use my Blooming Skeletons in battle,” the pegasus stallion finished with a frown.

Author's Note

Author: Light Patch

Chapter 93: Avenging the Titanic

“Bored,” Rainbow Dash grumbled as the group slogged past room after room, checking each one for their final foe. “If we all fought, this would be over by now.”

“But then there wouldn’t be character development,” Purple Heart pointed out. “If we all had fought, we would’ve just overpowered Holdfast and Just Duty with superior numbers.”

“Why does character development matter?” Twilight asked. “Aren’t we here against our will, participating in a game?”

The three colts jerked in surprise and looked scandalized at the Twilight’s words.

“You...dare?!” Wits breathed. “You, reader of hundreds upon hundreds of innocent books, would merely skip the dialogue and backstory to get to the interesting stuff?!”

Twilight blinked and looked at the other mares in confusion. The same confusion was reflected in their expressions. Turning back to the colts, Twilight quirked a skeptical eyebrow.

“Of course not,” she defended. “But this ga- story is getting a little long.”

“So is a Song of Ice and Fire, and that’s not even close to finishing,” Purple Heart commented, peeking into another inevitably empty room. “Besides, we’re close to being done.”

“We just have to find grey guy, let you beat him, then we can go home, right?” Pinkie asked. The group blinked at her. One of Pinkie’s eyes started twitching.

“Since when do you want the party to break up?” Purple Heart asked.

“Hasn’t that already happened?” Applejack said.

“...Why must you remind us of our failings?”

“Not our failings,” Applejack amended, gesturing to herself and the other mares. “Your failings.” She waved a hoof at the three colts.

“I...I am deeply and unhealably wounded,” Light Patch cried with a flourish. “To think that you think so little of us to as not be able to overcome our minor faults and rise above who we once were as stronger, less flawed beings!” Any further dramatic comments were cut off when Pinkie’s hoof was crammed into his mouth.

“That’s enough from you, cake heathen,” Pinkie whispered, somehow still bouncing along in front of the pegasus.

“Oh, thank you, darling. I was afraid I’d have to kick him again and then we’d all have to listen to him whine about it,” Rarity quipped.

“I think the more important question,” Wits hummed, “is why you’re taking issue with it now instead of back when we were walking across the country to go say ‘hi’ to a couple of villages. We’ve pretty much won at this point, so why complain now?”

Twilight frowned. “It’s because we’re almost done that I’m ready to be finished already. Do you realize how long we’ve been here?”

“Over a year, it feels like,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

Light Patch finally managed to pull Pinkie’s hoof from his mouth and wiped a cloth on his tongue for a second before replying. “Knowing Discord, it’s probably only been a few minutes to maybe an hour or so back at our homes. Because of wibbily wobbily timey wimey shenaniganry.”

“Oh, quit whining,” Amber grumbled. “I’m starting to question coming along with you.”

“You can always go back to the throne room,” Purple Heart offered.

One of Amber’s eyes twitched and she cast a blank stare at the purple earth pony. “After you get your butt handed to you, you and I are going to have a talk,” she stated firmly. Purple Heart winced and inclined his head.

“Yes ma’am,” he muttered. “Any time now, Bael, would be wonderful...”

“Hey, the corridor ends here,” Rainbow Dash called. “If this door doesn’t lead to Bael, I’m going to kick somepony.”

Light Patch cringed and ducked behind Rarity. Rarity glared at Rainbow Dash. “Excuse me, but this is my punching bag,” she sniffed, tugging on Light Patch. “Get your own.” The doors opened suddenly, preventing any response. Beyond the door was a wide room with marble columns lining the circular walls. The floor reflected the mosaic covered ceiling above and a gentle breeze blew in from the balcony. Standing in the ballroom’s center was Bael, his back to the group as he faced the open air. The group cautiously made its way into the room, wary of any repercussions to their entry. Purple Heart stepped forward alone when the group stopped, moving closer to his adversary.

“So,” he said. “It is down to you and it is down to me.”

“Oh please, not this,” Bael sighed, turning to face Purple Heart.

“I can’t help it!” Purple Heart cried. “My inherent desire to be snippy demands it!”

“What has the Battle of Wits got to do with being snippy?” Bael asked, folding his arms over his chest.

The mares looked at Wits End in confusion.

“What have you got to do with this?” Twilight asked.

“Don’t look at me,” Wits said, holding his forehooves up. “I left my iocane powder in my other robe.”

“You know, you’re killing her,” Bael said, nodding at Amber while interrupting any more questions the mares had.

“Huh?” Amber grunted eloquently.

“How?!” Purple Heart squawked.

“You left.”

“Because she ordered me to!”

“Now you’re back.”

“So?!”

“Aren’t you supposed to embrace her and pledge yourself to her all the while rav-”

“KEEP IT PG!” Purple Heart bellowed. “And no, I’m not supposed to do all that!”

“Why, pray tell?” Bael prompted. When the purple earth pony didn’t respond, Bael chuckled. “Can’t say while she’s here, can you?”

“She has nothing to do with it!” Purple Heart snapped.

“I thought she had everything to do with it,” Bael mused. “You have to admit, that little charade you had going looked pretty real.”

“I trained as an actor,” Purple Heart retorted. “I made it look real!”

“Ho? Is that why you’re so adamant about leaving? You have a sweetheart at home?”

“No!”

“Then why leave?”

“GAAAH~!” Purple Heart lunged forward and struck Bael on the jaw. The grey being stumbled back and smirked.

“About time,” he said, dodging to avoid Purple Heart’s leg.

As the two darted back and forth across the room, trading blows, Twilight looked at the colts.

“You know, after seeing your fights, I expected something a little more...epic,” she muttered.

“Yeh,” Applejack agreed. “You both talk about life and psychology and stuff, questioning the existence of the world.” She looked at Bael and Purple Heart as the latter left a crater in the far corner of the room. “They start because of an argument.”

Wits shrugged, tilting his head to one side to avoid a piece of flying rubble. “To be fair, PH has been in contact with his Bae longer. This is more of a culmination.”

Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. “Bae?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

“How old are you, exactly?”

Purple Heart dove to one side, falling into a combat roll to avoid a slab of rubble flung at him by Bael’s strings. He popped out of his roll and skidded under a roundhouse punch, kicking Bael’s legs from beneath him. Toppling to the floor, Bael flung out an arm to break his fall. Upon preventing his collapse, Bael was immediately jerked to backwards. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Purple Heart yanking at his foot in an attempt to throw him.

“I have a question,” Bael pondered.

“Seriously?” Purple Heart gasped. “You’re going to ask a question now of all times in the midst of our life or death deathmatch?”

“Yeh,” Bael said. “Wanna hear it?”

“No,” the purple earth pony grunted, using a dribble of magic to enhance his strength to throw Bael across the room and into the wall. When he saw his handiwork, Purple Heart’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Huh,” he hummed, looking at his hooves. “Looks like I have been skating by.”

“Ow.”

Purple Heart’s attention was pulled from his hooves with Bael’s grunt of pain. “Happy now? I finally achieved my potential.”

“Not yet,” Bael coughed. “Gotta beat me first.”

“And how do I do that?”

Bael shrugged. “Mash quarter circle back plus two punch?”

Purple Heart cocked his head to one side. A devilish grin crossed the purple earth pony’s face.

“Hooo?” he hummed. “Let’s see if Wits can mimic this.”

“Why are you smiling at me like that?” Bael asked, feeling a trickle of fear go down his spine. Purple Heart’s grin widened as he slid on his gauntlet.

“Tell me,” the Purple Barbarian hummed, “what does ‘Gauntlet’ plus ‘Inherent Strength’ plus ‘Physical Magic’ equal?”
Bael gulped and charged forward, hoping to defeat Purple Heart before he was able to charge his attack. Fear bubbled in his stomach as the purple earth pony dodged and blocked each of his strikes, never going on the offensive.

“Now I have another question,” Purple Heart mused. “How long does it take for a non-Anime attack to charge?” Bael’s already grey face blanched into a light grey and he intensified his efforts to knock the purple earth pony out.

“Five episodes?”

“Nope.”

“How long?” Bael asked.

“Seven seconds,” Purple Heart answered. “Six.”

“Remember my question back when you had me in a grapple?” Bael asked.

“Five.Yeh?”

“Can I say it please?”

Purple Heart sighed. “Four. If you must.”

“Thank you.”

“Three. Well? What is it?”

“Are you satisfied with your care?”

“...Two. Huh?”

“Are you satisfied with your care?”

“...One. I guess.”

“Yes or no.”

“...Zero. Jan Ken Hufu: Single Overpowered Punch.”

A golden light tinged with swirls of purple enveloped Purple Heart’s gauntleted hoof as his power combined with that of the gauntlet. He dodged one last time and followed with a quick hoof to Bael’s chest. A cataclysmic shudder rocked the castle, knocking the other members of his party to the floor. Rubble fell from the ceiling as the room shook itself to pieces in the wake of Purple Heart’s attack. Bael soared across the ballroom and skidded along the floor, heading straight for the edge of the balcony.

“Nonononononononono!” Bael scrabbled at the smooth floor, searching for purchase to keep himself from falling over the edge. With the speed he was skidding, coming to a stop would be very difficult. Fortunately, the railing of the balcony slowed him just enough for him to latch on to the edge of the balcony to prevent plummeting to the city streets below.

“He finally reached it,” Bael murmured, briefly forgetting the 500 foot drop below him. “About damn time.” His proud thoughts were interrupted by Purple Heart appearing above him, gauntlet smoking from the powerful attack. The purple earth pony was panting after all the exertion and was ignorant to the glow his blue tattoos gave off as they sparked with unleashed magical power.

“Yes,” Purple Heart gasped. “I’m satisfied with my care. Did I win?”
Bael grinned and nodded as best he could while hanging by his fingertips from a precipice. “You have,” he declared.

“So that’s it?” Purple Heart asked, still panting. “One hit and you’re done?”

“I was created with the sole purpose of antagonizing you and giving you reason to grow, both as a person and as a warrior,” Bael explained. “You successfully achieved both. Thus, my task is done. I bid you good luck.”

Purple Heart frowned. “Why?”

“You’ve yet to face your final challenge,” Bael said. “Facing Amber Glitter.”

“But you didn’t hand my butt to me,” Purple Heart evaded. “Thanks to ‘If’ statements, I’m safe.”

“You forgot the ‘Else’ part,” Bael pointed out. “She’s a queen. And has feelings for you. And you return said feelings, if only slightly, but they’re still there. So, bully for you. Ciao.” To Purple Heart’s awe and surprise, Bael let go of the precipice and plummeted to the ground. When he met the ground, he disappeared in a poof of green smoke and strings, leaving Purple Heart gaping, bug-eyed at what occurred. Then realization hit him.

“Shi-”

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart, Wits End, Light Patch

Chapter 94: Tea n’ Cakes n’ Stuff

“A strange light fills the room. Twilight is shining through the barrier. It seems your journey is finally over. You’re filled with...” Wits End looked up, thrusting his forehoof toward the heavens, “DETERMINATION!”

“Would you relax?” Twilight asked. “It’s just tea.”

“Hey, tea is very serious business.” Wits sat back down at the table, watching the teapot in the center as it steeped. “Is it done yet?”

“It’s only been a couple of minutes. What kind of tea do you have in your world that makes you so impatient?”

“The kind that comes in bags.”

A look of mild horror and fascination passed over Twilight’s face. “Tea comes in bags?”

“Eeyup,” Light Patch said. “Portability and simplicity. The wonders of a world using mass production.”

Amber cocked her head to one side and peered curiously at the grey pegasus. “Mass production?” she echoed.

“Making something as quickly and cheaply as possible,” Light explained. “Bulk crafting.”

“Doesn’t that lower the quality of the item?” Rarity inquired.

“Eeyup,” Light repeated.

“Okay, stop,” Applejack groaned. “Yer not Big Mac.”

“Nope,” Light agreed. He shivered and winced under Rarity’s disapproving gaze. “Sorry. I’ll stop now.”

“Good,” Rarity nodded in satisfaction.

“Is it ready now?” Wits asked.

“NO!” Twilight snapped.

“What’s taking Purple Heart so long?” Rainbow Dash wondered. “Are they making out or something?”

Wits rolled onto his back, staring at the teapot upside-down. “With who? At this point, his lips would probably punch out the other pony.”

Twilight sighed and gave the mint-colored unicorn a shove off of his chair. “What are you, a child?”

“What are you, my mom?”

“Lay off the belligerent romantic tension, would you two?” Rainbow Dash groaned.

“Woah!” Wits shook his head. “That’s my mom you’re talking about! What am I? Oedipony?”

“Would you shut up?” Twilight growled.

“Oh look! The tea’s done!” Pinkie cheered. Immediately, Twilight and Wits quit their argument.

“You coulda said that a bit sooner ya’know,” Light Patch whispered as the tea was passed around.

“But it wasn’t done earlier,” Pinkie replied.

“...fair enough.”

“Seriously though, where is Purple Heart?” Rainbow asked. “He should be done by now. Defeated or otherwise.”

“Wow, your confidence in me is inspiring,” Purple Heart drawled as he slowly walked in from the balcony.

“You won?” Amber asked.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Purple Heart said. “It was tough.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is anti-climactic,” Light Patch suggested.

Purple Heart rolled his eyes. “The word I’m looking for, I can’t say,” he said, “because there are PG mares present.”

Pinkie glared at the earth pony. “Is everypony gonna make meta jokes now?”

“Yes,” Wits answered. “So, are we done? Did we do the thing and win the points?”

Purple Heart shrugged. “I guess,” he said. “We gotta find Discord so that he can make an Archway for us to get out.”

“Like that thing he made with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna on the other side?” Twilight inquired.

“Yes, that,” Light Patch confirmed. “The thing that we could’ve walked through to finish the game early.” The mares blinked once and immediately, frowns of displeasure rippled across their features.

“I think the realization just hit them,” Purple Heart mused.

“Eeyup. OW!”

“Yer not Big Mac. OW!”

“He’s my punching bag, not your’s!”

“Yeah! I’m her...why am I agreeing to this...”

“Purple Heart, can I speak to you for a moment?” Amber Glitter asked, stopping the argument. “Alone?” The purple earth pony gulped and nodded weakly.

“Balcony?” he asked. At Amber’s nod, he turned and walked to the balcony, Amber quick on his heels.

“He’s gonna die,” Light Patch sighed. “Ah, the irony.”

“Irony?” Fluttershy asked.

“Think about it for a moment,” Light said. “Purple Heart just fought his nemesis and survived. Against an uber-strong baddie, he won. Now, he’s facing his ex. He’s gonna die.”

“Is she really his ex, though?” Wits mused. “I mean, they were never really together in the first place. Not officially, I mean.”

Pinkie stared at Wits. “Are you saying the ship isn’t real?”

“It’s about as real as Just Patch.”

“...So 100% confirmed.”

“I meaaaaaan…”

Twilight stood from her seat. “Why aren’t we helping?

“Because the first law of friendship is you don’t put your neck between a quarreling couple if you like your head to remain attached to it,” Wits said. “I like living too much to get stuck in the middle with them.”

“Still,” Rarity mused as she poured the tea, “I wonder what they’re talking about…”

* * *

Amber wasted no time starting the conversation as they walked onto the balcony. As Purple Heart turned back to face the golden unicorn, she was right in front of him, chest to chest, nose to nose.

“Ack!” Purple Heart squawked, reeling away from the proximity.

“Did you ever have feelings of any sort for me that weren’t derision?” Amber ground out swiftly. “Are you even from this land at all? Are you even a pony?!”

“Yes, no, and no,” Purple Heart replied. Amber blinked at the prompt answer to all of her questions.

“Explain,” she ordered. A large sigh blew past Purple Heart’s lips and he resigned himself to his fate.

“Did I ever have feelings for you beyond derision? Yes,” he said. “Kinda hard not to. You’re very beautiful, have a keen mind, and are even capable of putting up with my obstinence. So yes, definitely feelings besides derision.”

“Then why can’t we be together?”

“Ah-ah,” Purple Heart waved a hoof. “One question and answer at a time. Let me answer your other two first, then I’ll explain.”

Amber twisted her lips into a grimace and sighed, gesturing for Purple Heart to continue.

“Next question answer,” Purple Heart continued. “Am I even from this land? No. Most certainly not. I’m actually two worlds removed.”

“...Wat?”

A snort of amusement erupted from the purple earth pony. “I love it when my ‘isms get used by ponies I’ve met.”

“Whadaheck?”

“I rest my case.”

“Stahp!”

“Kehehehehe!”

“Explain!”

“Yez, ma’am,” he saluted. “When I say two worlds removed, I mean that I came from one world to another, then this one. Specifically, Earth followed by Equus and then whatever this world is called. My original world also ties into the third question. Am I a pony… No.”

“So...are you a minotaur?”

“Nope. What’d I say about more questions?”

“To wait.”

“Eeyup. Anyways, I’m not a pony. I’m a human.”

“...A human.”

“Eeyup. We walk on two legs and have two arms which end in hands and fingers.”

“You look like Bael?” Amber asked, stepping back warily.

“To an extent. We’re not grey. Nor do we have strange reversed legs or clawed toes. We’re pink or black or any color in between. Not as varied as ponies. Hair color isn’t limited though.”

“And what does all this have to do with why we can’t be together?” Amber asked.

Purple Heart blinked. “I thought I just answered that.”

“Not really,” Amber shook her head.

“What about the fact that I’m from a different dimension that doesn’t use magic and is too scientifically stupid to make trans-dimensional portals. Yet. However, I don’t expect it to be created in my lifetime.”

“So...you’re going home?” Amber asked.

“Yeh,” he answered. “And in conclusion, that’s why we can’t be together.”

“Oh. O-okay.”

Purple Heart flinched and stepped over to the queen. “I’m truly sorry,” he whispered. “If I could stay, I would.”

“Then why don’t you?!” Amber sniffed. “What prevents you from staying?!”

“...”

“Why don’t you answer?!”

“...”

“Purple Heart!”

Damn. I can’t think of anything.

“Why-” Amber Glitter’s words were stopped by Purple Heart’s lips on her own. She stiffened for a bare second only to melt into the kiss. She poured all of her love and passion into the kiss, trying to give Purple Heart one more reason to stay. And then it was over. Purple Heart broke the contact and rested his forehead against hers, his eyes shut tight. Amber could see tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I truly do. But I can’t stay. I’m so sorry.” Before Amber could reply, Purple Heart shifted aside and bolted off the balcony back into the ballroom, leaving the Queen of Roania alone, mourning her loss.

* * *

“And that’s why we use ‘carp’ as a stand in for cursing,” Wits concluded, sipping his tea.

“That’s… really weird and dumb,” Rainbow Dash said. “Why would you-”

The assembled ponies were interrupted by the sudden entrance of the purple barbarian pony. “That was fast,” Twilight said. “What happened?”

“We’re leaving,” Purple Heart ordered, his voice taut with emotion. “Now.”

“Why?” Fluttershy asked.

“Because if we don’t, I’ll probably stay,” the purple earth pony said. “Let’s go.”

“What happened?” Pinkie asked as they all stood to follow the fleeing Purple Barbarian.

“Said goodbye for good.”

“...Dude, are you crying?” Light asked.

“Yes,” Purple Heart replied stiffly. “Let’s go.”

Light Patch wrapped a leg around his friend. “I’m really tempted to start singing ‘Love Hurts’, but somehow I’m holding myself back. We should bounce before I lose my self-control, right y’all?”

“Aye,” Purple Heart agreed. “We gotta find Discord on the way.” He walked towards the door and broke into a run as he passed it.

“We better follow him before he gets lost,” Twilight suggested. “In his emotional state, he may take a wrong turn.”

“I’m not a stupid Marimo!”

“Obviously not emotional enough to not make snippy retorts,” Rainbow Dash mused as they followed after the sprinting earth pony.

Wits trailed behind the group; he and Fluttershy barely keeping up with the speeding ponies. “Why do we have to end this with so much drama?” he grumbled.

“I just hope Discord can help us leave before anything else bad happens,” Fluttershy muttered.

“Where is Discord, anyway? Didn’t he say he was gonna go bug Holdfast in the dungeon?”

* * *

“I spy with my little eye… Something that rhymes with ‘cruiser’.”

Holdfast sat in the middle of the dungeon cell, focusing very hard on not acknowledging the mismatched demi-deity standing on the other side of the bars.

Discord lowered his arms and sighed. “You know, this game is no fun if you don’t play.”

“I have nothing to say to you, beast.”

“Is that any way to speak to your metaphorical father?” Discord frowned for a moment before grinning. “It was loser, by the way. ‘Cause you lost. You lost haaaaaaard.”

“Don’t you have some other ponies to irritate?”

“Oh, definitely, but you’re the most fun. You know why?”

Holdfast turned his head slightly toward the Draconequus, giving him a side-eye glare. “I assume it has something to do with a ‘captive audience’.”

Discord snapped his fingers, given a simultaneous thumbs-up and pointing at the earth pony. “Eeeeeey!”

Holdfast sighed. After a moment, he shifted to face the mismatched creature. “Fine. What exactly do you want?”

“Well, the easy answer is ‘to gloat’.”

“I can tell that much.”

“But really, I’m interesting in something about you.” Discord’s tail curled up into the shape of a recliner, which he took a seat on. “See, when I made the three balls of villainy that would become you and the other members of Team Solid Fuel Booster, all I did was take a part of those colts and make it all… villain-y.”

“Fascinating,” Holdfast said dryly.

“I’m not done yet. See, I can understand why Purple Bruise’s villain ball turned into Bael, ‘cause he needed something that could actually almost beat him. And Patch Job’s ball went to Just Duty because he was already a good foil for the walking punching bag.”

“You’ll excuse me if I stop feigning interest.”

“I’ll get to the point then.” Discord pulled the end of his tail back, reclining himself. “The difference between you and Just Duty is that you were already a villain from your backstory. You had your eyes on the throne from the get-go. So, with your newfound villain status, why focus on Wits End at all? Why not keep working on getting the throne?”

Holdfast stared at Discord for a solid minute. “Why not both?”

“What is this, an ad for tacos?”

“Let me ask you this.” Holdfast stood, walking over to the bars that separated him from the Draconequus. “Now, from my viewpoint, I have a full history in this world. I remember being a foal, growing up in Roads Crossed and becoming a diplomat.” He tapped the bar in a rhythmless pattern. “I remember when my intentions were to make this kingdom the best it could be. I remember realizing that the king and his sons were exactly the corruption I had dedicated my life to removing from Roads Crossed. And then…”

Discord slurped a cup of carbonated sugary drink loudly through a crazy straw. “Sorry. I got thirsty. Continue.”

Holdfast chuckled. “Funny. Your interruption is exactly what made me who I am today.” A smile spread over his face. “I might not have always been on the side of good, Discord, but I had good intentions before you interfered. And thanks to you, those mares and colts will never know that. To them, I’ve always been a villain.”

Discord paused, straw hanging loosely from his snaggletooth. “What are you getting at?”

“Oh, now I’m the one being obtuse? I guess the irony just keeps building on itself.” Holdfast leaned his forelegs through the bars, ginning at Discord. “See, I might be a villain, but you’re the one who made me this way. I could tell that my intentions had… simplified. Darkened, if you would. And when I met Wits End, I could sense that he was the reason I was like this now.

“But now? Ever since I learned that you were the puppet-master controlling everything? I’ve learned things about my creator.” He tapped the side of his head. “A few stray pieces of knowledge from Wits End that got mixed in and knocked loose as time passed. I know who you were, Draconequus. I know that you were just as much of a villain that I am.” Holdfast pushed away from the bars, walking back to the center of the cell and taking a seat. “Consider this my ‘from Tartarus’ heart I stab at thee’ moment, Discord. You made me a villain, and thanks to you, I will never, ever, be redeemed like you were.” He turned away with a chuckle. “Enjoy your freedom, beast. Even if you write me out of this story, I’ll still consider this my victory.”

Discord stood. “I guess you really were a good fit for Wits,” he said. “Both of you really seem to enjoy using the end of this game as your final victory.”

“You set it up so well.”

With a puff of smoke, Discord appeared in front of the snow-white stallion. “Which is why I almost feel bad about ruining it.” He placed a claw on Holdfast’s head, engulfing the pony in a burst of light. “Sorry, buddy. You’re not getting kicked from the team.” The light swirled, condensing back into the glowing ball Discord had created the villain from so long ago. He ran his lion’s paw over the melon-sized ball, causing it to vanish from sight. “You’re just getting benched for the season.” With a sigh of relief, he walked through the solid jail bars and toward the exit. “Let’s see if those boys took care of the other two yet.”

* * *

With a start, Just Duty awoke to the feeling of his recent loss. He resisted groaning and instead kept his eyes closed as he slowly moved his body to feel out his wounds. A lot of bruises, some cracked bones probably but nothing broken. To think that after that fight, he would show me mercy; that he might heal me, or even pull his punches, Just Duty thought to himself as he laid in the bed. That he would not secure a complete victory, and allow me to awaken the next day. Perhaps there is much about justice I have forgotten? He snorted at the thought. Perhaps there is much about justice I am not aware of...

He frowned at that thought. I may have been created, but as of the moment we took power from Discord, I became my own pony. He smiled lightly, and finally opened his eyes to look when he heard the sound of something entering the room he was in. He found himself face to face with Silk Trap.

“I hear the fight between you and my champion was quite the fight to witness. I am sorry I missed it, but I was leading the fight to finish cleaning up the forces you and your compatriots lead,” the Arachcholsid queen said, striding to stand beside his bed.

“I will not apologise for leading the army if that is what you are probing for,” the defeated paladin replied from his bed.

“That is not what I have come seeking,” Silk Trap said, looking at the pony in the bed. “I’ve just found myself in the interesting position of being able to talk to a defeated foe. Normally they do not survive long enough. I found the chance intriguing enough to warrant taking.”

“You’ll have to excuse me then if I am not able to keep the conversation entertaining for you, your majesty. Nevertheless, ask away,” Just Duty, said shifting in bed to try and find more comfort.

“Well, is it true that you’ve been the mayor of a town for quite a while? A major pass for trade with other kingdoms, yes?” the Arachcolsid queen asked, clicking her mandibles questioningly.

“Yes, though I doubt that will be the case now. The crown usually doesn’t allow its enemies to lead its towns. Rebellions and all of that,” he replied dryly, prompting a chittering kind of laugh from Silk Trap.

“So, then what do you expect to do now?”

“Spend a lot of time in prison for my actions, likely. Amber is…” Just Duty paused, looking for the right word, “lenient, but even she has to draw the line somewhere, and I know she will likely be harsher on Holdfast than me, but I shall still face punishment for my actions.”

“It is a shame. You are a strong military leader. Your experience in dealing with multiple races in trade would be useful. Both skills my kingdom could use…” Silk Trap let her sentence trail off speculatively. Just Duty stared hard at the Arachcolsid queen for a few minutes before sitting up more and fixing her with a hard look.

“Are you suggesting that I quietly leave and join your kingdom? That I slip away in shame and dodge my punishment?” He felt his fury building, but found it cut at the root as Silk Trap raised one of her legs.

“No, but considering what has happened, I believe it’s safe to say that my kingdom and Ambers are now allies,” she noted. “It, however, has faced a hardship, and while larger than it used to be, is suffering under growing pains. Skilled leaders in both war and peace are needed.” She paused, allowing Just Duty enough time to find the idea on his own before she stated it aloud.

“You are suggesting that you could talk to Queen Amber and ask her to assign me to work for your kingdom as part of my punishment?” the stallion said, slowly turning the thought over in his head. “Do you feel you’ll be able to work with me, to trust me?” Just Duty asked bluntly.

“I do not know you, but my kin and I have learned of your actions. You are a just warrior, and I will keep an eye on you personally. Besides, I’m sure we share many things in common,” the queen said, her mandibles spreading in the Arachcolsid equivalent of a smile. “For instance, I happen to know one thing we already share in common.” The ex-paladin raised an eyebrow, prompting her to explain further. “I have been made aware of a certain grey pegasus we have both kissed,” she finished as she erupted into the Arachcolsid equivalent of laughter at the sour expression on the defeated stallion. “I shall go discuss this little idea of mine with Amber, and see what sort of deal I can negotiate,” she said, her mandibles clicking with humor as she left.

* * *

Bael sighed as he rematerialized in a poof of green magic on a ledge jutting from one of the castle’s spires. Pain pulsed through his body as he slid down the side of the tower to sit on the ledge, eliciting wince after wince as muscles and bruises screamed in agony. He grit his teeth in irritation, shuddering as he settled against the sloped wall. A small grin curled Bael’s lips as he looked skyward, settling into himself to let his injuries heal using the last of the Mismatched One’s power.

“I completed my task,” the grey being mused. “I antagonized and instigated personal growth within the Purple Earth Pony… Now what?” There was no answer to his question. Silence fell on the spire as Bael mulled over his thoughts and the previous events of his short existence. He was created by a god-being for the mere purpose of adding depth, danger, and mystery to a game of all things. Over the course of his task he’d created a legion with the singular task of carrying out his will, recruited ponies from outlying hamlets of Roania to fill said legion, infiltrated a coliseum to gauge the strength of his nemesis, killed one of his nemesis’ subordinates, stole Legionnaires from the Loyalists, and committed a number of other ‘atrocities,’ if one asked Purple Heart’s compatriots.

A cheer of victory rose from the courtyard below and Bael peered down at the celebrating soldiers. It seemed like his Legionnaires and Holdfast’s Army of Hollow Armor had finally been routed.

“They’ve won then,” Bael muttered. “Now they can finally return home.” He sighed once more and turned his eyes skyward again. Soon, he and the world around him would cease to exist. The game was over. There was no point in the Mismatched One leaving the world alone. Bael didn’t want to die, but there was nothing he could do to prevent his demise short of escaping the world. He paused for a moment as his thoughts whirled. A solution came to him and he immediately ceased his healing, preventing the last vestiges of the god-being’s stolen power from being lost.

“I can keep living,” he murmured. “Just not in this realm.” Bael looked back at the courtyard and saw the draconequus standing with the nine adventurers. An archway appeared with a wave of a clawed hand and the group walked through. Bael wasted no time in shifting his body into his original form, a green orb of light. With an eagerness born of desire to survive, Bael shot down from the castle spire and skimmed along the castle walls towards the archway. Just as it was about to close, he slipped through and soared hurriedly from the hall, ignoring the stained glass windows as he let the Mismatched One’s magic pull him to the portal.

He found it.

The Mirror. The Mirror that connected two worlds.

He wasted no time darting into it and into his new life.

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Light Patch, Purple Heart

Chapter 95: Hello Goodbye

Discord hummed thoughtfully to himself as he drifted up and around the spiral staircase leading up from the dungeons. Things were all coming together. He had his power back, the villains were dealt with, the game was nearing its end, and he was walking- drifting away with only a tad more humility and a great deal of satisfaction. He honestly hadn’t foreseen the lengths that the villains would go to to accomplish their goals. Bael’s method of stealing his power had definitely surprised him. But, all was well again. The only thing he had to worry about was what the Princesses would do after he opened the Archway that would return himself, the Mane Six, and the three humans back to their respective worlds.

As he stepped into the courtyard, he inhaled a great breath of fresh air and sighed in bliss. No worries whatsoever.

“Purple Heart! Slow down!”

“IMA KICK HIS TAIL SO HARD HIS EYES WILL MATCH!”

Okay, maybe a few worries.

Discord wasted no time in hopping onto a towering pile of empty armor to escape the purple earth pony’s inflamed wrath.

“See here!” he cried from atop his pile. “Everything turned out okay, didn’t it?”

“Yeah and the path to getting here was so smooth,” Light Patch snarked.

“‘Everything’ is a bit of an overstatement,” Wits End said, rubbing his ribs where a rather large bruise was forming from the lance-sized arrow that had sent him flying through a window. “Maybe some things, but not all.”

“You’re all still alive, aren’t you?” Discord pointed out happily. “That’s something to be grateful for!”

“So we could have died?” Twilight ask stiffly. “In this ‘game’ of yours?” The draconequus blanched and felt unusually woozy.

“Ehm...”

“Come now, dear,” Rarity chided. “He wouldn’t have let us die. He isn’t stupid enough to do that.” She narrowed her eyes at Discord. He dropped behind the peak of the armor pile, leaving only his eyes visible.

“Discord wouldn’t do that,” Fluttershy denied.

“So, yer sayin’ that he’s finally reformed enough tha’ he wouldn’t’ve let us die?” Applejack inquired. “Yeh, Ah’m havin’ trouble believin’ that.”

Discord rose up from the pile and dramatically draped a paw across his eyes. “Oh dear!” he moaned. “To think that with all that I’ve done for you quaint little ponies, you still believe me to be a vengeful spirit of chaos whose only amusement is found in the suffering of others?”

“Yes,” Rainbow Dash stated.

“Ouch,” Pinkie chirped.

“Bazinga,” Wits said, holding out two forehooves. He frowned. “It’s a lot harder to do finger guns without fingers. On that subject,” he glared at the draconequus, “how do we do that thing where we have fingers and shirts with buttons and indoor plumbing?”

“If I’m not threatened anymore, I’ll happily do the human thing,” Discord sniffed. “And no more insults to my personality please. I may be a being of chaos, but I still have feelings!”

“Sure thing, second-hand Q.”

Discord narrowed his eyes at the mint-colored unicorn. “What did I just say?”

“What, you weren’t listening either?”

The mismatched demi-deity rolled his eyes. “Fine, you know what? We’re going straight into the sequel to this adventure. 30 more levels worth of a little thing called the Tomb of Horrors! Here we go!”

“Oh gods no,” Light Patch muttered, going pale as a ghost.

“Well then,” Sol Eater said, strolling into the room, her sister following behind. “I suppose we have more time to discuss how to handle exactly what this… what’s his name? Dissonance? What exactly to do with him for how he’s treated those of us not lucky enough to be his precious main characters.”

“We art in agreement, my sister,” Princess Penumbra said, narrowing her eyes at Discord.

Discord swallowed. “Well, maybe we can take a break before that happens.”

“...Whadafrak is this carp?!” Purple Heart squawked in surprise. “I thought we were leaving! Are any more NPCs gonna crawl outta the woodwork?!”

“Purple Heart,” Fluttershy said firmly, looking directly into the Purple Barbarian’s cobalt eyes. “Calm. Down.”

“Yes ma’am,” he instantly replied, looking away meekly.

“Wow,” Twilight hummed. “If I knew that Fluttershy could do that, I’d have asked her to make him calm down a lot earlier.”

“Hindsight is twenty-twenty, darling,” Rarity sighed.

“Even with as many eyes as me,” Silk Trap said as she slowly lowered herself from the ceiling. “Hindsight is still the only thing clearer than fresh water. I do believe I’m interrupting something however,” she said taking a place near the group.

“Ehm,” Discord winced. “Not sure. We’re all getting ready to leave through the archway and then these two popped up because who-knows-why. Purple Heart’s confused and irritated that we aren’t already on our way and Fluttershy uses The Stare which makes Twilight bemoan the fact she hadn’t thought of that earlier and then you appear to make a pun about hindsight. All in all, I’m confused.”

“Aaand he’s talking to himself,” Light Patch noted, “we’re never getting home.”

Wits sighed. “What is this, the true ending for Undertale? Are we gonna walk all the way back to Roads Crossed and find Bael taking care of some flowers?”

“Is that a spoiler?” Pinkie Pie pondered.

“It’s been a year. I’m sure everyone knows what that’s in reference to by now.”

“I refuse to walk all the way back to the start of our little adventure,” Rarity grumbled. “My hooficure is already ruined three times over.”

“Who else is there, anywho?” Applejack asked. “Do ya’ll think anypony else will come back, like Wayward Sun or that Bandit Chief?”

“What about that annoying fairy?” Rainbow Dash mused.

“Don’t ruin the mood, RD,” Wits cut in.

“Can we just go? Please?!” Purple Heart begged, scrambling up the pile of shattered armor to grab Discord. He shook the draconequus back and forth, gibbering random noises at him.

“If you’d stop shaking me, I’d do it!” Discord snapped. “The noises are scaring me!”

“Still gotta make a soundboard,” Light Patch hummed.

Wits cupped his hooves around his mouth. “If you send us back now, the noises will stop!” He frowned, looking down at his forehooves. “Man, this really doesn’t work as well without fingers.”

“Fine!” Discord cried, lifting a paw to boop Purple Heart’s nose. The action silenced the purple earth pony long enough for Discord to snap the fingers of his clawed hand to summon the archway and send the limp Purple Heart sailing through. “Everybody move!” The Mane Six plus two colts scrambled for the portal to finally escape the world.

“But what about them?” Pinkie asked as she was dragged to the archway by her tail. Applejack heaved the pink mare through and darted after her, appearing with the rest of the group on the other side.

Discord dusted himself off as he strode through and banished the archway. He waved his clawed hand dismissively. “I’m sure they’ll be fine,” he said.

Wits End patted his head, pouting at the vanishing archway. “I’ve lost my hat back there. How am I supposed to pull a Mississippi Jones when the door completely disappears like that?”

“Seriously?” Twilight asked incredulously. “You want to go back?!”

“Don’t diss Wits’ hats,” Purple Heart groaned as he rubbed his nose. “Or anything else he likes for that matter. He will respond in full force. Why the carp did you ‘boop’ me?”

“It got you to shut up long enough to summon the archway,” Discord snorted. “Now, we’re all fine.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that yet,” Rainbow Dash warned, pointing at two streaks of light arcing across the sky. “I think Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were waiting.”

Light Patch scooted behind Purple Heart as the streaks got closer. “This is gonna end in tears,” the pegasus stallion said.

“Yeah, but the question is who’s,” Applejack pointed out, a grin spreading across her face as she looked at the now incredibly nervous draconequus.

With a flap of their wings, the two princesses landed next to the assembled ponies. “Well now,” Celestia said, looking over mares and colts. “It looks like you nine were able to handle things on your own.”

“Of course prin- of course Celestia, I don’t think there isn’t a thing in the world I can’t deal with,” Twilight said with a smile, looking amongst her friends. “And I guess these three were kind of useful as well.” She finished with a grin towards the colts.

“I’m honored to have travelled with her,” Wits said in a deadpan tone. “Especially when she took on all three villains at the same time, with two hooves behind her back, and with a blindfold on.” He gave a slow clap with his forehooves. “And so modest too.”

“Is that sarcasm?” Fluttershy asked.

“Lil’ bit.”

“More like a lot,” Light Patch grunted, shouldering past Wits and Purple Heart to address the two princesses. “Hello, I am Light Patch, Mister Sarcasm is Wits End and the walking bruise is Purple Heart. We were humans until Discord decided to take us from our world to participate in this game.”

Luna arched a regal eyebrow. “Humans?” she repeated, peering at the three colts. “From Equestria High?”

“No, we mean humans from Earth, our planet of origin,” Purple Heart interjected. The Mane Six all blinked in surprise and turned to stare at the three stallions.

“You named your planet ‘dirt’?” Applejack asked.

“In our defense, we are not scientifically, politically, or literally powerful on Earth,” Light Patch said. “We are not important enough to be allowed to name our planet. Besides, I think it was an unsaid consensus that we name our planet the nicer synonym for dirt. Also, I don’t think anyone from there” He gestured to ponyville behind the princesses, “is allowed to question our planet's name.” Light Patch finished his ears twitching in annoyance slightly.

“And just what is wrong with Ponyville?” Rarity shot back beating Applejack to the metaphorical punch.

“We named our planet dirt, and you named your town village of ponies.” Light Patch shot back.

“Huh,” Twilight hummed intelligently.

“Huh, indeed,” Purple Heart agreed. “Any more questions you want to ask?” He looked at the princesses.

“Yes, actually,” Luna said. “For humans without contact with ponykind, thou seemst quite comfortable with the sight of our kind. How comest thou by this?”

Wits’ mouth formed a thin line. “I miss Penumbra already.”

“Apparently we have a show in their world,” Rarity offered.

“Like a play?” Celestia asked.

“Yousa mighten be saying that,” Wits said. “We get to see the interesting parts of the adventures of the Elements of a Complete Breakfast.”

“Harmony,” Pinkie corrected.

“That’s what I said.”

A bemused expression crossed Celestia's face. “Well, isn’t that interesting. And Discord summoned you from your world? I wasn’t aware that was possible.”

Discord rolled his eyes from the background. “Something something connection via TV show. It’s all very wibbly wobbly timey wimey, I’m sure.”

“Oooooh boy,” Purple Heart groaned.

“Connections aside,” Light Patch interjected his ears flicking in irritation, “could we please go home now? I think I left the oven on”

“Yes please,” Purple Heart agreed. “I want fingers and toes and no back pain again. I also want to watch my waifu from behind a screen instead of in person.” Immediately, the purple earth pony winced upon registering what he’d said.

“There’s that word again!” Fluttershy cried. “Are you EVER going to define it?”

“Shy is right,” Rainbow Dash said. “You three have been dodging that word for nearly a third of the game. Were you finally gonna tell us what it means just as you leave?”

“Ideally, we would’ve never told you and let that desire to know fester until it drove you nuts,” Purple Heart shrugged. “But that would only work on Twilight.”

“That ain’t gonna fly,” Applejack said. “Now talk.”

“Verily,” Luna said, her interest apparent. “What is this… ‘waifu’.”

“I already ’splain’d the whole ‘from another planet thing’ when you guys abandoned me. This is ya’lls mess to clean up,” Light Patch quickly said, sliding away.

Wits End shot a murderous glare at the purple barbarian. “You did this. You get to answer it.” Purple Heart winced again and sighed in resignation.

“Fine,” he mumbled. Turning, he took a deep breath as he looked at the mares. “The word ‘waifu’ is a term created by the Otaku culture of Japan on Earth that references their two dimensional significant others, specifically for anime and video game characters. With me so far?”

“We just have context, no actual definition,” Twilight sniffed irritably.

“Indeed,” Rarity said.

“Get on with it,” Rainbow Dash ordered.

“Yes, get on with it!” Pinkie Pie echoed.

“SHADDUP! AND LET HIM GET ON WITH IT!” Discord snapped. The mares swivelled to glare at the draconequus, silencing any further outbursts. “Shutting up.”

“Moving on,” Purple Heart said. “Waifu is a term used by males to describe their two-dimensional wife, someone they hold in the utmost respect and courtesy. Basically, a waifu is a male’s nonexistent wife. Someone who is a fictional character and thus does not exist.”

Fluttershy stared blankly, her gaze moving between Purple Heart and Wits End. After a minute, she spoke. “Ah uh.”

“Thy terminology art inaccurate,” Luna mused. “We art real, not fictional. If thy strange phrase art based on the term for a beloved, surely a most accurate term for us wouldst simply be ‘wife’.” She blinked at Wits End. “Art thou wounded?”

Wits was learning heavily against Purple Heart, pinching his bleeding nose with a forehoof and magic. “I wasn’t imagining anything,” he said. “Everything’s fine. Fine, fine, all fine. How’re you?”

“Thy appear to be heavily wounded, End of Wits.”

“Tis the sweet release of death that hastens my escape from this situation.”

Applejack tilted her head. “Ya’ll alright there, Wits?”

Wits appeared to be more pale than usual as he avoided Fluttershy’s eyes, shaking in his robes. “Does thou do what thoust hast come to do from which thou comes to do what thoust must does?”

Luna raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What.”

“Yes or no, motherbucker.”

“Congratulations,” Light Patch said, patting Fluttershy on the back. “You broke the comedic relief. Also,” he pointed with both forehooves at the shuddering unicorn colt, “ain’t healing that.”

“So...is this the end?” Twilight asked softly. The rambunctious actions of the group slowed as they registered the purple alicorn’s words.

“Yeh,” Purple Heart confirmed. “We fought the bad guys, saved the Queendom, rescued the princess, and got back home in time for second breakfast. All without running to another castle. Beat that, Hobbits! And Mario! And Luigi! Actually, frak Mario. Luigi is best plumber.”

“Amen,” Light Patch hummed. “This actually is the end, I think. All we have to do is wait for Rainbow to stop strangling Discord so that he can send us back.”

“Ahem,” Celestia cleared her throat. “As it turns out, Luna and I can send you back to your planet.”

“Oh...okay… Wait, WAT?!” Purple Heart squawked. “Y-y-you mean you could have sent us back home at anytime during this fiasco?!”

“Now that’s a strong word!” Discord pouted. “I think ‘adventure’ is more suitable!”

“Verily, freedom could have belonged to thou, had we had the intention of intervening,” Luna explained to the colts.

“So what, we didn’t have to go through all that?” Light Patch inquired, his ears swiveling focusing on the princesses.

“Well, you didn’t have to, but we thought it was necessary,” Celestia said.

Wits End pointed a hoof at the alicorn, now recovered from his breakdown. “I swear to you, if you said we were getting a lesson-”

“You were learning an important lesson.” Celestia continued as Wits turned away, raising his forehooves to the sky with his face twisted up in an expression that could only be described with the word ‘why’. “But you nine weren’t the only ones who needed to learn something from this.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “But aside from the nine of us, who else is there to learn a les-” She trailed off. Slowly, each of the nine adventurers turned around.

Discord was busy picking rainbow-colored hair from between his teeth from his attempt to fight off Rainbow Dash. He paused when he saw the assembled ponies staring at him. “What? Did I miss a spot?”

“Discord,” Celestia said sweetly, “do you want to share what you learned with us?”

“Not particularly…”

A slight glint appeared in the princess’ eyes for the slightest moment. “Discord.”

“Oh fiiiiiine!” Discord rolled his eyes so hard that they threatened to pop out. “Dear Princess Sunbutt, I learned that there’s consequences for acting without thinking about how things might go wrong, such as creating three entities that were designed based on entities I didn’t understand. Happy?”

Celestia smiled. “Yes I am.”

“So to sum up,” Wits said flatly, “you can’t always get what you want. You can’t always get what you want. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes. Well, you might find it. You get what you need.”

“I can’t believe I’m gonna miss you being around,” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

“Awwe, you’re gonna make us blush,” Light Patch shuffled his hooves, his ears laying back.

“Pretty sure Silk Trap wouldn’t be too happy to hear that,” Purple Heart snickered.

“Oh yeah? What about Amber, eh? Not so funny being on the receiving end, is it?” the grey pegasus shot back.

Purple Heart’s jaw tightened. “Alright, stop it you two,” Twilight ordered. “Let’s all part ways in a positive fashion, shall we?”

“Sounds good,” Pinkie chirped, grabbing all three colts around the neck and dragging them into a choking hug. “Group hug!”

“My life is flashing before my eyes,” Light Patch gasped, eyes bugged out to the size of tennis balls. “Air, air is becoming an issue.”

“Choking, not breathing,” Purple Heart wheezed as the rest of the Mane Six surrounded them.

“Chklflgth,” Wits spluttered.

“Don’t ruin the moment,” Applejack warned, jabbing a hoof at Discord.

Discord held his paw/claws out. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” He glanced at Luna, who was giving him a disbelieving look. “Okay, maybe I would, but I wouldn’t act on it.”

“Good choice,” Celestia smiled. She looked back to the nine ponies as they broke from their group hug leaving the three colts gasping for air on the ground.

“First time I had one of those,” Purple Heart panted.

“What?” Light Patch asked. “Not even for sportsball?”

“Nah,” the purple stallion replied. “We just dumped the gatorade jug on the coach.”

“I miss my computer,” Wits hummed. “Can we go home now?” Celestia’s smile widened and she inclined her head.

“Safe journey,” she said as her horn glowed a bright gold, “and thank you.” The colts were cloaked in an aura of gold light as Celestia’s magic cocooned them.

“Goodbyes suck,” Pinkie said softly.

“Then don’t say good bye,” Purple Heart offered. “Just say…see you later.”

“Wouldn’t that be a claim to a sequel?” Light Patch asked.

“Maybe,” Wits hummed. “We’ll see.” A chorus of ‘see you later’ sounded from the Mane Six as the colts vanished back to their home planet, leaving wiser ponies and a chastised draconequus with two princesses.

* * *

Earth…A Cabin in the Woods…

Three grown men materialized in the attic of a garage, covered in a golden light. They lay on the floor, spread eagled in their fencing gear. A tangle of wires connected them all to a purring laptop on a desk beside them. Silence hung over the trio as they registered their surroundings. One sat up and pulled his mask off to reveal tousled brown hair and a full beard. He shifted his bulk to turn to his two compatriots who had also straightened, sitting confusedly behind him.

“Did that just happen?” the large one asked curiously, his voice rough with confusion.

The shortest of the three shrugged. “That depends. I’m pretty sure it happened, but then again, it was… a thing.”

“It certainly seemed like a thing,” the remaining one mumbled. The three were silent for some time. “Well, we should probably fence.”

“Yeh,” the large one grunted, rolling to his feet. “We should remember that thing, though. It could be a good story.”

“Meta much?” the small one asked as he sat behind the desk. His response was a shrug.

“Perhaps.”

“Not now though,” the last one interjected. “I still need to pay you back for that nipple shot.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“Still hurt.”

“ANYWAYS. Prêt… Allez.”

BRRA-BRAAAAAAAP!

“...”

“...I hate you both.”

See you later...

Author's Note

Authors: Wits End, Purple Heart, Light Patch

Final Note

Well...that’s the end of Caverns and Cutie Marks, our first venture into FIMfiction. However, this is not truly the end. We have more shenanigans in mind. We’ve got an idea for a [shorter] sequel that will be set in the world of Equestria Girls. We haven't started writing it yet as we're still planning it and won’t intend to release it until it’s all written with at least three chapters passed over with our patent pending Edit Comb. We don’t know exactly when the release will be though as we originally intended CnCM to be a short fic, around 20 or so chapters, 30 at the most... Yeh...well, look how that turned out. Anyways, once the Equestria Girls sequel is done, we’ve got a more other ideas for a more proper sequel. However, we’re not promising anything.

Anyways, thank you for bearing with us on this journey.

Now for ascii art that has no bearing on the story and is only present because we doodled. Ciao [PH].

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_-( ) _ *The Pz.Kpfw. II Luchs*
(OOO) *also cute and fluffy*

100% Alphonse Approved

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Suddenly, Major Alex Louis Armstrong broke through the door, sparkles flying in all directions. “When I heard there was conniving going on, I DASHED RIGHT OVER!”

Author's Note

Author: Purple Heart

Chapter 2: Conscription and Costumes

Discord was humming a cheery tune to himself as he drank his hot chocolate when the three saps he had ‘summoned’ suddenly appeared in a flashy poof of multi-colored smoke. Discord swung his mismatched legs off his cushioned recliner and tossed his beverage away before greeting the speechless newcomers with open arms.

“Welcome!” Discord crowed. “To the Game!” Streamers and sparkles soared into the air behind him as a dramatic fanfare played. The three figures were silent as they removed their masks and appraised their new surroundings in confusion. After several moments, they noticed Discord. Recognition, then surprise followed by fear flickered across their faces.

“Aw carp,” the tall, broad one mumbled.

The short figure stared long and hard at his surroundings, and was silent for several seconds before taking a seat on the ground. “This is surely what going mad feels like,” he muttered to himself, drawing his knees up to his chest.

“It would appear that today I wished a little too hard,” the bespectacled figure noted, sounding calm. But Discord could easily see several small cues that signaled the person’s inner turmoil.

“I see you three are rather distraught,” Discord said, swinging his tail idly. “Would you like to hear a little secret?”

“Not particularly, but you might as well,” the tall figure said, unhooking his blade from the cord that threaded through his coat.

“I have brought you three here for a very simple reason,” Discord explained. “You are each to join a party and participate in this little game of mine.”

The short one raised his head slightly, a frown creasing his forehead. “Game?” he asked slowly.

“Yes,” Discord confirmed. “A game. A game where you each play a specific role.” The bespectacled figure narrowed his eyes at Discord. Suddenly, a rather hostile feeling washed over Discord as the bespectacled figure scrutinized him. Shifting uncomfortably, Discord focused on the tall figure. Although he was the largest of the trio, he seemed to be less dangerous than the other two and therefore, safer to manipulate.

“So-”

“What kind of game?” chimed in the one with glasses. “Board game, video game, pen-and-paper role-play, or something a bit darker?”

The short figure stood up, dusting off the seat of his pants. “First of all,” he started, pointing a gloved finger at the one in glasses, “I don’t wanna know where your brain is going with that last option. Secondly, I don’t quite think we’re reacting with the appropriate response given our situation.”

“What?” the tall figure snorted. “Would you rather we were screaming?”

“Yes!” The short figure’s voice reached a new pitch, custom made for that moment. “We’ve either lost our minds, been abducted by a god-like being, or the fundamental nature of reality has cracked like an egg! I think a healthy amount of panic is necessary!”

Discord watched in amusement as the three figures argued. The trio continued as such for some time before abruptly falling silent, their energy spent for the time being.

“Now,” Discord said, clapping his hands together. “Since you’ve calmed down a bit-”

“Nope,” the short figure snapped. “Still panicking.”

“Don’t mind him,” the bespectacled figure sighed, resting his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “He’s always like that.”

“Only when absolutely required!” the short figure said, now wandering a few steps away. “Now it is required!” The tall figure rolled his eyes.

“What game are we participating in?” he asked. Discord poofed and appeared beside a bookshelf. After perusing the shelf for several seconds, he grabbed a book and tossed it to the short figure. That was the second mistake. The first was actually expecting the short figure to catch the flying book.

“Gah!” The short one flinched away from the book for a second, dropping his mask in the process. It was only after he realized that he should actually attempt to catch it did his hands start moving towards it. The grand total was a slightly bent knuckle from running into the spine of the book, and a dented corner. The short figure cleared his throat, attempting to regain his calm as he picked up the damaged tome. The tall figure bent over and began to shake as he stifled his laughter, his mask rolling on the floor beside his large feet.

“Shaddup,” the short figure snapped. “I meant to do that.” He looked at the front cover before flipping it open to a random page. “Caverns and Cutie Marks? Skills, feats, classes… Is this D&D?”

“But ponified?” the bespectacled one mused, dropping his mask and reading over the shoulder of his shorter compatriot.

“Seems like it,” the tall one grunted, stroking his stubble as he stood upright. “But why would he bring us here to play a game like D&D?” He jerked his head at Discord.

“Well, we could take the easy route and just ask the big guy. Or we could go,” the figure with glasses thought for a moment, “deal with a rat infestation, or some kind of fetch chain to get the answer.” The tall one snorted in amusement and looked at Discord.

“I’m guessing that there are other players?” he asked. Discord shrugged.

“You’ll have to find that out for yourselves after you have your roles,” the being snickered, avoiding the question.

“Then what roles do we each have?” the short one asked. Discord grinned and snapped the fingers of his clawed hand. The three figure’s fencing gear evaporated to be replaced with rather archaic clothing and apparel.

The bespectacled figure now had his chest covered with a chain shirt and linothorax, over which hung several belts and pouches. A large pauldron covered his right shoulder and steel gauntlets covered his hands, the arms only protected by the chain shirt. His legs were covered by a pair of splint leggings. His feet clad in a pair of steel boots. And finishing his slightly hodgepodge armor set was a Norman style nasal helm with an aventail.

The short figure was clothed in a set of pale-blue breeches and a matching shirt, both made of fine silk. A pair of belts crossed over his waist, each with a number of vials hanging from them by leather straps. Over it all, he wore a blue sleeved cloak, lined with white silk and clasped at the neck with a golden brooch; its collar several inches tall, so as to cover most of his cheeks when viewed from the side. On his head was a blue peaked cap with a single, large feather pinned to its front.

The tall figure’s pants and jacket had been replaced by a studded leather skirt that ended just below his thick kneecaps and a studded leather shirt. Heavy gauntlets covered the figure’s forearms and hands while iron-shod boots protected his massive feet. To complete the visage, he was painted with a peculiar ink that pulsed a vivid blue and spread in swirling patterns and jagged runes across the figure’s bare arms, face, and shoulders.

“Huh,” the tall figure grunted. “Barbarian… Interesting. And I’m wearing a kilt...spi-” He fell silent and his eyes swelled like balloons. Almost frantically, he checked himself only to breath a sigh of profound relief.

The short, now blue, figure looked himself over, flapping one of his sleeves like a bird testing out its wing. “I feel like a ponce,” he said simply. “Is there a ponce class? I think I’m the ponce class.”

“Do you have any urges to suddenly start speaking french or ride a horse?” the eccentrically armored figure asked.

The short figure thought for a second. “Not as such, no.”

“Then you probably aren’t. You do look poncy, though. Maybe a wizard or some kind of magic user?”

“Great.” The short blue one sighed. “Even when I’m going insane, I’m still the squishy one.”

“At least your look is consistent.” The hodgepodgely armored figure responded motioning to all of him.

“Wait,” the tall one said. “If I’m a Barbarian, then where’s my weapon?” Discord chuckled.

“Your class is something like an unarmed Barbarian,” the creature explained. “Makes for an interesting situation, don’t you agree?” The tall one shrugged.

“I guess,” he muttered, flexing his hands and cracking his neck. “So I just have to punch something until it can’t… erm…‘won’t’ get back up. Charming. Such refined. Much civilized.” The tall figure rolled his eyes sarcastically and crossed his arms.

“The cosplay is great and all,” the short figure interrupted, “but you still haven’t explained what’s going on. For example,” he began counting on his fingers as he listed off his questions, “Why are we here? Why do we have classes? Where are we? And my personal favorite…” He stepped closer to Discord, poking him approximately where he assumed the stomach was, “Why are you real?” Discord blinked. He understood the questions this tiny being had posed, all except for the last one.

“What do you mean ‘why am I real?’” he asked in puzzlement and a little apprehension.

“Oh good, that’s the one I get an answer to.” The short one cleared his throat, and began pacing back and forth in front of Discord and the other two costumed figures. After a moment, he whirled around, poking at Discord again. “What’d you mean, with you ‘what do you mean’?! You’re the worst offender of fourth-wall breaking in the show! You’re even worse than Pinkie is! You did a bit from Mary Poppins, for heaven’s sake! You!” Poke. “Are!” Poke. “A!” Poke. “Toy!” He hesitated for a moment before poking once more. “Well, and a fictional character. But there’s toys of you, so the point still stands! So how is it that you exist, very solidly as I have found out, when your origins are strictly fictional?”

Discord stared down at the sad, strange little man for a minute, processing the rant. While it was true that, as the literal personification of chaos, he had the power to pull things from other worlds—presumably through what the blue one had called the ‘fourth wall’—he’d never considered that in one of them he’d be a fictional character. This raised a series of complex and ground-shaking questions for him.

Discord then promptly realized that, as the literal personification of chaos, none of that really mattered as long as he, as he was now, was still having fun. He felt a lot better after that. Besides, he’d seen similar tirades before; mostly from Twilight when she questioned his powers. He decided to gamble on the short one handling things similarly to the purple pony princess and rolled the dice. “Well, what do you think the answer is?”

The short one’s mouth opened, and he raised a finger dramatically, as if ready to deliver an epic speech that would shake the very grounds of reality. He then held that pose for a good twenty-seven seconds without blinking or breathing. Finally, he managed to get at least part of his brain functioning again. “I’ll be back.” The blue figure then darted back behind the two others, where he crouched down and began muttering to himself and drawing diagrams in the dirt with a twig.

“Great,” the tall one groaned. “You broke him.”

“More of a logic bomb, really,” chimed in the figure with glasses.

“Touche,” the tall figure mused. “But seriously, why did you bring us here? Did you want to harass us with these clothes?” Discord cocked an eyebrow.

“You play games, don’t you?” he asked. The tall one nodded hesitantly.

“Dah… So?”

“Games that require interesting and exotic clothes?” Discord pressed.

“...Not particularly...” the tall figure said slowly. “Us three generally play shooters, RTS games, RPGs… But we’ve never LARPed before. And I’m very happy that we haven’t. Then this happened.”

“‘LARPed?’” Discord repeated. “‘RTS games?’ ‘RPGs?’ These might be common acronyms where you come from, but I have no knowledge of such things.”

“Live Action Role Play,” the tall one ticked off on his fingers. “Real Time Strategy. Role Playing Games. How do you not know about them? You read that knockoff of D&D, so I thought you would know. Humph. Apparently not.”

The short one popped up, pointing a finger at Discord dramatically. “It’s because he’s a-” He looked down at his notes for a second. “Wait. No, no he’s not. Never mind.” With that, he dove back down to his mad scrawlings. The bespectacled one and the tall figure looked at the short one bemusedly.

“I think it would be best that you send us back to where we belong,” the tall one said, turning back to regard Discord. Discord froze, paralyzed by the figure’s hard stare. Now that he had been garbed in something other than a white jacket and grey pants, he seemed perfectly capable of inflicting severe bodily harm. Gulping silently, Discord nodded, his mind racing. Then it dawned on him. His panic fled, only to be replaced by a phony look of defeat.

“Very well,” Discord mumbled, his head dropping. “I shall teleport you.” The figures cheered silently for several moments. Then the bespectacled one balked.

“Wait-” he managed to say before Discord snapped his fingers and sent the figures to their respective parties.

“Let the game begin,” Discord crowed, poofing away to watch his entertainment unfold

Chapter 3: Purple Heart

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 4: Wits End

A ray of sunlight gleefully stabbed at the short one’s eyes, forcing him back into consciousness. He groaned under his breath as he rolled onto his back. “Good morning to you too, you solar jerk,” he muttered, rolling over again to get out of bed.

...A bed that turned out to be sand. He was reasonably sure that his bed was not sand. Now that more of his brain was awake, he realized that the sounds of flowing water was coming from somewhere nearby. He opened his eyes, blinking his eyes until they focused in on the pair of cyan hooves stretched out in front of him.

It was at this point that he began to think something had gone quite wrong.

He waggled what he was sure should be his arm. One of the hooves moved in front of him, making a small wave in the sand. “Um…” He looked around, spotting a river—likely the source of the watery sounds he’d been hearing—and dragged himself over on his belly to wash his eyes of the obvious hallucinations he was having.

It was only when he saw what was most definitely a pony’s face reflected in the water that he began to be quite sure that something had gone quite wrong.

“What? No. Seriously? That- No. No no no.” The cyan and mint Pinto unicorn pawed at his reflection in the river; checking to see if the pony in the water was, in fact, himself. Strangely, he found that his panic seemed to be focused more on that he wasn’t where he remembered being last, and not that he was an oddly-colored horse.

“Wait…” The last place he remembered being… Memories of a certain mismatched Draconequus flooded back into his mind; including the last words spoken before he lost consciousness. “Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Okay. Great. Perfect. Spectacular, even!” He splashed the water into the air, causing a rippling rainbow to appear for a moment. “Discord, you Genie-imitating son of a Q! You know darn well what he meant by that!” He kicked at the water with a forehoof again and again, not particularly caring about the dampness spreading over his current costume; updated for his equine self, of course. “You see how angry I am, Discord? I’m angry enough to beat up water! You hear that! Water!!!” His rambling devolved into a wordless string of noises as he jumped into the river, stomping around and sending up plumes of sparkling water around the two ponies.

The mint-colored stallion froze, suddenly noticing the pink pony, who was still obliviously splashing about; giggling and laughing all the while. “Ah bah whah fwah?” he managed before the cotton candy colored mane splashed a wave of water into his face.

“Come on!” Pinkie Pie shouted, still bouncing in place, the fox-like mask strapped to the side of her head bobbing up and down along with her mane. A black and pink checkered suit covered her body, tiny bells at the end of each hoof, and a larger bell hung from the end of her tail, held in place by an even bigger pink bow. “Why’d you stop? This is so much fun! Weeeeee!” With that, she belly-flopped into the river, emerging a few feet downstream to continue her antics.

“I…” The stallion stood still, shaking the water from his face. “Hang on. No, hold it. Why is this being a thing?”

“Um… excuse me.”

The unicorn whirled around to face the new, surprisingly soft, voice. The pale yellow pegasus stood a little ways away, crossing her forelegs awkwardly. A simple white hooded robe was draped over her, with gold lace around the edging. Slung over her back was a cloth saddlebag on one side, the faint smell of various animal feeds emanating from it, and a wooden shepherd's crook with a simple brass bell hanging from it. “Sorry to interrupt you, sir, but… did you, by any chance, say Discord?”

“I, uh…” The cyan stallion shook his head, clearing his head. “Yes, I, uh, suppose I did. Yes.” He glanced down, suddenly very aware of how wet his cloak and tunic was; the feather on his cap drooping comically over his nose. “I seem to be a bit damp.”

Fluttershy glanced away, nodding slightly. “Sorry,” she muttered.

“What? No no, I jumped into the river. It’s not your fault in the slightest. I- GUWAHG.”

The stallion suddenly found himself tackle-hugged at high speeds, launching himself out of the river on the wings of a hyperactive party pony. “Isn’t this great, Fluttershy?” Pinkie Pie said, forelegs wrapped around the stallion’s neck. “You were just talking about how you were hoping we found somepony else out here, and then we find Minty Fresh here dancing in the river and shouting at Discord! Do you think he got invited to play Caverns and Cutie Marks by him just like us? That’d be so cool, ‘cause it’s like now we have more ponies to play with! It’s like a massively multipony on-”

“Pinkie,” Fluttershy interrupted softly, panic setting in on her face, “I don’t think he can breathe with you like that.”

The stallion nodded vigorously, his cyan face turning more blue than green by the moment.

“Whoopsy! Sorry about that, Minty!” Pinkie untangled herself from the unicorn’s neck, bouncing over to stand next to Fluttershy. “Sometimes when I meet somepony new, especially somepony who’s doing something fun like you were, I just get so excited that I have to give them a great big hug!” Her voice reached a fever pitch near the end, and she reached out for a second breath-stealing embrace.

The unicorn dodged out of the way, sending the pink pony stumbling past with a sharp squeal and a splash. “My name’s not Minty Fresh! It’s Wits End!” He froze, eyebrows narrowing. “Wait, no. It’s Wits End. Wits End! WitsendwitsendwitsendwitsGAAAAH.” He turned away, shaking a forehoof at the sky. “DISCOOOOOOOOORD!”

After a moment to calm himself again, he turned back to the two mares. “Yes. Apparently, it’s Wits End. Howdoyado?” Wits End brushed the feather of his cap back up out of his face, starting a mental document of things he’d do the next time he could get his hands on Discord.

“Um… Good, I guess.” Fluttershy shuffled nervously, not sure what to make of the mint-colored pony.

Wits End stood, his mind racing as he tried to figure out the best next step. He was in a world populated by pastel-colored ponies. Okay, that’s fine enough, as long as he didn’t have to relearn basic things like how to walk or talk; and given his earlier tantrum in the river, he seemed to have both quick under his control.

The thing that irked him most at this particular moment, Discord’s shenanigans notwithstanding, was that he couldn’t quite place where in the series he had been inserted, or if this version of the pony-verse was anything like the one he knew about. He’d have to keep an eye out for any hints as to when he was…

In any case, he decided that revealing his true identity as a potentially alien creature would probably go over poorly. Better to pretend to be clueless. “So, who’re you two?”

Fluttershy looked away, her bangs sliding over her eye, muttering something in reply.

A shudder made its way down Wits End’s spine, an involuntary smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. “Sorry, didn’t quite catch that.”

“I didn’t think she dropped anything!” Pinkie Pie interrupted, suddenly appearing in the middle of his vision. “Her name’s Fluttershy! And I’m Pinkie Pie, party-planning pony extraordinaire! It’s nice to meet ya, Minty Witty!”

Wits End’s beginnings of a smile fell, knowing that his chance to hear Fluttershy’s squeak had been ruined. “And destroyer of moments,” he muttered under his breath. “And it’s not Minty Witty, either,” he said. “It’s Wits End.”

“Wits End?” The pink pony asked, her head tilted almost 90 degrees to one side. “But that name’s so… weird.”

“...You’re named after a color and a dessert.”

“I don’t see your point.”

“...Forget it. I-” A scream pierced the air, punctuated by a muffled thud. Wits End’s head jerked toward the sound, one ear twitching slightly. “That scream sounds familiar…”

“Oh…” Fluttershy said softly, her wings ruffling slightly. “I hope whoever that was is alright.”

“Well, let’s go check it out!” Pinkie Pie started hopping at top speed towards the source of the scream, humming a merry tune as the distance between her and the other two ponies increased.

“Wha- Wait, Pinkie!” Fluttershy futilely reached a hoof toward the retreating pony. “Oh… I should go with her. She might get in trouble.”

“Mind if I tag along?” Wits End asked. “I’m not particularly keen on being out here on my own either.”

“Oh, uh… Okay. I mean, if you don’t mind.”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I did mind.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s not- Let’s follow your friend and make sure she’s okay.”

Fluttershy nodded, following behind the unicorn. The two of them crested the hill Pinkie had disappeared behind, spotting the pink mare at the bottom; the hill being more steep on the other side. There were more scatterings of trees here, getting denser and denser until it turned into a proper scary forest. “Charming,” Wits End muttered, half trotting, half sliding down the hill to catch up; Fluttershy gliding down nearby. “Hey! Wait for us!”

Pinkie Pie looked back, giggling as the two landed behind her. “Why wait, silly? It’s not like there’s anything around here to worry about!” She turned around, and walked snout-first into something hard and chitinous. “What? Who put this bug here?”

The three ponies looked up in unison, taking in the sight of the giant creature. It turned around on its eight segmented legs, a pair of oversized claws clicking angrily as its many eyes focused in on the ponies that had disturbed it. With a hiss, it raised its barbed tail over its body, a drop of venom forming a deadly bead at its tip.

Wits End swallowed hard, several drops of sweat forming on his forehead. “Big bug…”

“You have encountered a Giant Scorpion,” a voice boomed, sounding suspiciously similar to Discord’s voice. A grid of squares formed over the ground around them, the three ponies each in their own square. The scorpion took up four squares on its own, a pair of bars appearing over its head. “Combat is joined.”

In between the ponies and the scorpion, a list of numbers floated, each one with a name associated with it. At the top was Pinkie Pie’s name, followed by Fluttershy’s, Wits End’s, and finally ‘Giant Scorpion’.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Wits End growled, shifting slightly in place.

Fluttershy let out a squeak, turning in place to run. She managed to get less than an inch before colliding with an invisible wall. “What’s going on? What is this thing?”

“I’ll help you, Fluttershy!” Pinkie shouted, hopping towards her friend. Her face pressed against the edge of another invisible barrier, small grunts of exertion escaping her. “What’s up with this wall?”

“Save your energy,” Wits End groaned, rubbing the point where his horn met his forehead with a hoof. “Turn list, combat grid, random encounter with a giant scary monster; we’re in a RPG. What’d Discord call it? Cutie Marks and Crusaders?”

“It’s Caverns and Cutie Marks,” Pinkie Pie corrected, calmed down slightly seeing that the invisible barrier protected them from the scorpion. “And how do you know what game Discord chose?”

“We can have a nice comfortable interrogation later,” Wits End snapped back. “For now, let’s try and not get murdered by an irate arachnid. First of all, Pinkie, can you-”

“I kick the scorpion!” The pink pony let out a high-pitched battle cry, cartwheeling toward the the chitinous foe as a red arrow appeared above it. Her back hooves collided with its right claw, causing it to recoil slightly with a short shreek. As she landed on all fours, a small fanfare sounded, with the words ‘Critical Hit’ appearing over the scorpion’s body. “Yeah! That’ll show it!”

The green bar over it shrunk slightly, barely enough to be noticed. Pinkie’s smile fell as her name moved to the bottom of the list. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Wits End drolled, “You sure showed it who’s the boss ponies around here. I am in awe as to the incredible way you showed it. It has been shown, and you are the show-er.”

“I thought that was the point of this game!” Pinkie Pie said, her voice reaching a new peak. “To hit them and make them fall down!”

Wits End shook his head, the feather in his cap waving slightly behind. “You’ve gotta have some tactics behind it! Just running in and hitting things with a stick is a sure-fire way to get the stuffing beaten out of you.”

Pinkie turned to the unicorn, pressing her face as close to his as she could with the barrier between them. “And I suppose you’ve done this before, have you?”

“I have!” He pressed his own head against the barrier, their foreheads separated by less than an inch of air. “Kind of! On a smaller, less deadly scale!”

Pinkie Pie blinked. “Well, fine!”

“Fine!”

Fluttershy tapped on the barrier around her, eliciting a dull thump. “Um, mister End?”

Wits End blinked, his face falling back into its normal expression. “Yes, Fluttershy?”

“Do you think you could get us out of this without anypony getting hurt?”

He glanced up at the scorpion, his eyebrows narrowing as he sized it up. “More than likely.”

“The scorpion too?” Fluttershy shuffled nervously. “Could you do this without hurting Mr. Scorpion too?”

“Uh…” Wits End looked back and forth between the deadly arachnid and the adorable pony. “Sure, why not. I’ve seen enough encounters ruined by players. Should be able to put something together.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Then what do we do?”

Wits End thought for a moment, one hoof making motions in the air in front of him. “Okay. Fluttershy? Make a Knowledge Nature check to determine the scorpion’s challenge rating.”

“...A what?”

“This whole thing seems to be voice-activated. Just say what I said.”

“Okay…” Fluttershy looked up at the sky, or possibly the scorpion’s tail. “I make a… Knowledge Nature check? To, um, determine Mr. Scorpion’s challenge rating?” Several seconds passed before the word ‘Success’ appeared in-between Fluttershy and the scorpion. A moment later, a number appeared next to the bars: 10.

Wits End swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “Challenge rating of ten, huh? That’s… That’s a big bug.”

“Is that all I can do now?” Fluttershy asked.

“Doesn’t look like it,” Wits End replied, pointing a hoof at the turn list. Fluttershy’s name was still at the top. “I guess we’re level one. Can’t tell what classes we are, though. Hey!” he shouted at the sky. “What classes are the three of us?”

Fluttershy blinked in surprise. “I… I think I’m a Druid. But, how do I know that?”

Wits End shrugged, now feeling a bit silly that he asked the sky for information rather than someone actually there. “If I had to guess, Discord put the character sheet information into our heads. Or something like that.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “Mimic? Have to figure out what that is later. Pinkie Pie, what’re-”

“I’m a Jester!”

“Thanks. So we’ve got two homebrew classes. Gonna have to do some research later. Anyway.” He looked back to Fluttershy. “You should have Wild Empathy as a class ability. Try using it on the Scorpion.”

Fluttershy blinked, her head spinning with everything the unicorn was saying. “What?”

“It’s just like the Knowledge check. Just say ‘I use Wild Empathy on the Sco-’” He stopped, mentally correcting himself. “‘-on Mr. Scorpion.’”

Fluttershy nodded, focusing hard on trying to remember everything. “I use Wild Empathy on Mr. Scorpion.” She leaned closer, intensifying her gaze on the scorpion’s eyes. “You’re going to love me, aren’t you?” she whispered.

A tense moment passed before the Discord-like voice returned. “Fluttershy has explained to the Giant Scorpion that she means it no harm. The Giant Scorpion is no longer aggressive towards Fluttershy.”

“Yes~!” Wits End made a motion with a foreleg that would have been a fist-pump if he had arms and hands.

“However,” the Discord-alike continued, “the Giant Scorpion is still angry at the other two for attacking it and invading its territory. Combat continues.” Fluttershy’s name moved to the bottom of the list, under Pinkie Pie’s.

Wits End blanched. “Less yes.”

Fluttershy fidgeted in her square. “What happened?”

“I think the random number gods don’t want us the get out of this so easily.”

Pinkie Pie looked up, distracted from teasing a field mouse with her tail. “Well, now what’d we do?”

“It’s my turn…” Wits End swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. Okay, me, he thought, staring down the chitinous beast. It’s hero time. Time to pull an anime character and do some sort of super amazing special attack that finishes this in one blow. There’s no way any of us can take a hit from that thing and survive at level one, so you’ve really gotta make this one count! Let’s do this! He focused his attention inward, trying to call on whatever spell or ability list his class had.

There was only one option listed.

“Not exactly the wide array I was hoping for,” the unicorn muttered, “but I guess it’ll do the job.” He swept forward, pointing dramatically at the scorpion. “I use Learning on Mr. Sco- I mean the Giant Scorpion!”

The Discord-alike’s voice boomed. “‘Learning’ is a passive ability, and cannot be used actively in battle. The selected action is illegal, and Wits End’s turn continues.”

All ponies were silent for several minutes, each one frozen in place. Eventually, Pinkie Pie spoke up. “So, what sort of super special awesome thing were you expecting a move called ‘Learning’ to do?”

Wits End was still frozen in place, his expression one of grim embarrassment. “I honestly don’t know what I expected.”

“So, um,” Fluttershy looked between the two ponies, “now what?”

Wits End dropped his pose, staring at the ground. He was pretty sure that Mimic was a spellcasting class, and just doing a normal attack wouldn’t even have as much of an effect on the scorpion as Pinkie Pie’s. If he couldn’t end the encounter now, then someone, or somepony, was going to be hurt.

There was one other option he’d seen while mentally searching the list. It would affect everyone, and there was no guarantee that it would work, but it was the only way they had a chance. “Alright,” he growled, “I’ve made up my mind.”

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy gasped. Even the scorpion looked worried—well, as worried as something with no possible facial expressions could look. Wits End looked up, a glint in his eye. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for his next move.

“I use Retreat for the whole party!” he shouted in a rush.

“What?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“What?” Pinkie Pie asked.

The giant scorpion seemed confused.

“A Retreat action has been used,” the Discord-alike stated calmly, the grid and turn list vanishing into thin air.

The three ponies and the arachnid stood frozen for a moment, suddenly freed from the invisible barriers that separated them.

Pinkie Pie pawed at the air around her. “So… Now there’s no big invisible walls in the way. What’d we do about Mr. Scorpion?”

“The only rational thing there is to do, Pinkie,” Wits End said. “Run away!”

The three ponies broke into a gallop, shooting away from the giant scorpion, and the forest the scream had come from. After a moment to process what had happened, the scorpion let out a hiss, skittering after them as they crested a hill.

“This is your plan?” Pinkie Pie screeched, her bells ringing madly as she ran.

“You got a better one?” Wits End replied, his robe fluttering behind him.

“Well… no.”

“Fluttershy? Any suggestions?”

“Um…” Fluttershy was half-running, half-flying to keep up with the other two ponies. “No?”

“Then keep running!”

Author's Note

Primary Author(s): Wits End

Chapter 5: Light Patch

With a vaguely cartoonish popping sound, the bespectacled figure was able to see again. He was surrounded by blue, spotted with some fluffy white. His gaze fell down and he made note of the green below him. And hoofs; grey hoofs in steel shoes. Okay, the figure thought, hooves. I guess I can work with that. Are they mine? A quick movement confirmed that they were his hooves. Right, he thought, I guess I can deal with that. It was around this moment he looked past his hooves at the green again. Oh, he thought, I’ll bet that green is the ground. The ground he couldn’t feel. It was then he’d realized he’d broken the the law of gravity. And after a few seconds of panic, he realized that he was infact getting away with it. Puzzled, he glanced around and quickly spotted the source of his defiance of gravity.

Now, some people do things so automatically they don’t ever think about it. But when they do think about it, they can’t get it to work anymore. When the figure looked at his wings, it had that effect. The moment he realized he had wings and was flying, he, like the good little human he’d been, went and asked the worst question he could have. How? How do I know how to fly? And, with that question, the damage was done. With a mighty scream, he fell from the air and slammed into the ground.

Applejack and Rarity had been on a path nearby when they heard the scream and witnessed the tail end of the event. They quickly rushed to the crater where the bespectacled figure had landed in a small crater of his own unwitting creation. The two reached the crater and peered over the lip.

“Ah’d hate to say it, Rarity, but I think he’s dead.” Applejack said after observing the stallion at the bottom of the crater.

The mares jumped back when the stallion stirred a little. Applejack climbed over the crater’s rim and down its slope. She quickly lifted the unconscious pegasus stallion onto her back before starting to haul him up the crater’s rim. Applejack noted that while in general she could lift any pegasus with ease—well, ‘cept for Bulk Biceps, she mentally added—but the hodgepodge of armor and other gear made this one a bit more troublesome. It was more of an awkward than heavy, but still more trouble than she’d ever had carrying a pegasus. She also noted with a grunt of annoyance that Rarity was gazing at a patch of grass rather than helping. She carried him a few steps past the rim before dropping him to the ground.

“Careful, Applejack,” Rarity chided, “the poor dear is already badly wounded. We don’t want to make it too much worse.”

“If ya wanted gentle, Rarity, you should have helped me move him. Besides, I’ve seen hundreds of pegasi crashes,” Applejack quipped back. “Enough to make me wonder if they’re actually the ones to get the extra endurance. An’ another thing; what’s got you so interested in that patch of grass over there?”

“Well, I thought I had seen a glint from something and,” she prolonged the word while her magic floated an object to her before showing them to her friend. “Ah-hah!” she proclaimed with satisfaction, “A pair of glasses. I suspect that they might belong to the pegasus.” She finished flicking some dirt and grass off of the glasses with her magic.

Applejack glanced at the stallion as she noticed him stir some. “It looks like we might find out soon; I think he’s waking up. Maybe we can get some answers too,” she said, turning to the stallion.

The currently un-bespectacled figure stirred and shakily pulled himself into a standing position. “My everything hurts. From now on, flying is for the birds,” he muttered before pulling his eyes open, letting him see two big smears of blue and green. Closer to him appeared a blob comprised of other colors, predominantly brown, orange, white and purple. Great, he thought, my eyesight has gotten worse. The question is, though, is this because of the fall, or Discord? I wouldn’t put it past Discord to mess with my eyesight.

“Are you okay?” a very feminine voice asked, breaking him from his thoughts. It sounded very high class and familiar, though he was still shaken from the crash and the pain it left behind.

“Ya’ll made an impressive crater when you fell,” spoke a second voice with a noticeable southern drawl. That cinched the identity of the characters for the human now turned pegasus.

A small smack sounded. “Applejack, would it kill you to be polite?” Rarity quietly snapped back.

“I’ll live,” he quickly responded to head off a potential argument. “Thanks for helping me.” he trailed off, prompting them for names.

“Oh I’m so sorry dearie, my name is Rarity, and this here is Applejack.” He could just make out the white part of the blob wiggling around a little. “And, well, judging by the way you’re looking right between us, these must be your glasses.” Rarity placed the glasses on the stallion’s snout.

He looked around, now once again able to get a more accurate picture of the world, before turning back to the mares. “My name is Light Patch, and I thank you for finding my glasses and-” He stopped his sentence dead. Wait a second, he thought, that’s not my name. “Light Patch,” he said again. “Light. Patch.” He drew the name out taking care to carefully say each bit. With a sigh he looked back at the mares. “That wasn’t what I expected, but I guess it will work. Either of you wouldn’t happen to have something you could spare to heal my injuries would you?” Light Patch asked, lifting his hoof to rub a sore spot on his head. The moment the hoof touched, it was engulfed in a flash of light that went as fast as it appeared. The worst of the pain was gone.

“What did you just do? What was that flash of light?” Applejack asked punctuating her questions with a poke of a hoof.

The stallion moved around a little, and poked at a couple places that no longer hurt before answering. “I think I healed myself. I guess I’m a cleric or something.” A stray thought passed through the pegasus’ mind. “Uh, I don’t suppose one of you knows of a near by body of water or something I could use to look at myself? I should make sure everything is actually healed up,” Light Patch asked.

“Here, I happen to have a small mirror with me for just such emergencies,” Rarity happily chimed in, using her magic to pull a mirror out and hold it up for the odd stallion to use. While the stallion checked himself in the mirror, Rarity leaned over and began whispering to Applejack. “I think the crash has addled the poor colt’s brain if he forgot he could heal himself.”

“Ah’ was thinking the same thing, Rarity” Applejack agreed before continuing. “I’d hate to just let him wander off alone. Maybe we outta keep him close until he’s sorted his memory out some.” Rarity nodded.

Light Patch finished checking himself in the mirror. He was indeed now a grey pegasus stallion. His hair was still brown but now had a streak of pink through it. Of course it’s pink, he thought with a slight grumble, ‘though, it doesn’t look half bad. His eyes were also more solidly green now than they used to be. His attire was still the same just adjusted for ponies. After a bit of work and a smidge of help he’d managed to check for a Cutie Mark, only to be disappointed by his lack of one.

After he’d finished looking at himself, he turned to look at the two mares. Rarity seemed to be wearing some kind of basic looking sorcerer's robes. They were nice, but plain. Though Light Patch didn’t expect their plainness to last past when she got some materials to work with. Applejack, however, was decked out more to the contrary. She was wearing a set of vaguely western stylized adventuring gear, compleated with her hat and plenty of rope.

Light Patch had been ignoring the two mare’s whispering conversation until it turned into a small argument. He had meant to step forwards and break the argument up by getting in between them. Instead, he’d took a step forward, tripped on his tail, and fell on his face, again. His objective was kind of accomplished however; the two mares ceased arguing when they saw a pair of glasses fly past them and heard a distinct thud behind them.

Applejack turned to look at Light Patch, “What the-! Did ya just throw your glasses at us?” she began only to stop at the sight of him having face planted again.

“How,” Rarity wavered, unsure if she should continue, “did you manage that?”

Light Patch sighed into the grass before lifting his head up. Both of the mares tried to hold back their giggles at the bits of grass on his face and the small blush on it as well. “I... uh,” he sighed again, “I tripped on my tail.” He let his head flop back to the ground, trying to ignore the giggling mares.

“I’d offer to shorten it,” Rarity managed to get out after getting her giggles under control, “but I’m afraid I don’t have anything I can use to do so. Right now the best I can do is braid it,” Rarity finished. With a small nod from the stallion, she moved forward to begin.

“Thanks. Could one of you find my glasses as well?” Light Patch asked, trying to squash the last bit of his embarrassment as Rarity worked on getting his tail ready to braid.

“Of course, dear. Could you get the glasses, Applejack? I’ll quickly braid his tail while you do so.” Rarity hummed Art of the Dress while she worked. She finished just as Applejack got back, Light Patch’s glasses perched on her face for ease of transport. Rarity took them and, after a quick cleaning, restored the glasses to their proper throne.

As soon as the glasses were back on his face, he jumped up shouting. “I can see! I can fight!” He struck a pose fit for a general ordering a charge.

“Fight with what?” Applejack deadpanned. “You don’t have a weapon.”

Light Patch looked around to check, and once he had confirmed that fact was about to respond to it. But before he could, a large warhammer rocketed from the sky and slammed into Light’s head, planting both into the ground. Above his body appeared the words ‘Critical Hit.’

The two mares looked at each other with concern, but after a couple of seconds they noticed he was still breathing. Applejack turned to Rarity and gave a small smile. “Your turn,” she said before turning to head back to the path they had left at the start of this whole fiasco.

Rarity stood shocked watching Applejack depart. “Wha-wha-what? Applejack you can’t be serious! I-” She looked at the stallion and the shaft of the warhammer sticking from the ground before sighing. “You owe me for this,” she said to the unconscious stallion, before using her magic to pull him and his hammer from the ground and settling both on her back. After a moment of adjusting his unconscious body, she hurried to catch up to Applejack.

Author's Note

Primary Author(s): Light Patch

Chapter 6: They don’t have any bits

“Do you think we lost him?”

Wits End panted, legs burning from running harder than he ever had before. Part of his mind took note that he had been able to gallop much farther and faster than he would have been able to as a biped, and filed that information away for future use.

The rest of his mind called that part a nerd, and wondered if dying right now would stop the pain in his lungs.

Fluttershy nodded, backpedaling with her wings to slow down. “I think so. A scorpion that big would had trouble holding itself up, let alone chasing three galloping ponies. We were probably faster than it by around fifteen, maybe twenty miles per hour.” The yellow pegasus suddenly became very aware of the two other ponies staring at her open-mouthed, and blushed. “I… I take care of a lot of insects and arachnids. Lots of ponies won’t care for them because of how they look.”

“I- no, I totally get it,” Wits End said, stunned from hearing more words out of Fluttershy than he’d heard all day. “Nice to know we have a Druid with lots of points in Knowledge Nature. That’ll come in handy.”

“So now what’d we do?” Pinkie Pie asked, not showing any signs of exertion from the run. “We’re even further away from that scream that we were before we ran into that big bad bug!”

“It’s actually closer to a spider,” Fluttershy muttered.

Wits End shook his head, taking a seat on the grass. Their frantic escape had taken them away from the hills, and now they were on flat plains of tall green grass; with only the occasional rock or bush to break up the view of the horizon. “The way I see it, there’s two ways this can go down. Either that scream was only to get us into that fight with the scorpion—in which case we’ll have to go back and beat it somehow…”

Pinkie Pie shook her head, bells jingling franticly. “Nopie dokie lokie, thank you very muchly.”

“...Or that scream is our call to adventure, and we still need to get to it, whether we fight the scorpion or not.” Wits End’s horn glowed as he took his cap off, wiping the sweat off his brow. “This’d be a lot easier if the DM had briefed us ahead of time.”

Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion. “Dee ehm?”

“Dungeon Master,” Wits End explained. “If this is anything like D&D, then there’s someone running this whole scenario. That’s what the DM is.”

Pinkie Pie narrowed her eyebrows at the mint-colored unicorn. “What’s a D&D?”

Wits End stopped.”It’s… Dungeons and Dragons. It’s like Caverns and Cutie Marks. I think they’re based on the same system. That’s how I knew about the Knowledge checks and Fluttershy’s abilities.” He knew better than to mention that D&D had nothing to do with ponies, aside from riding them. And with some party members, running them into trees so that they become slightly derpy. I wonder if the other characters from MLP are in here, he thought, mind jumping to a new track. I’d finally be able to figure out if her name is Derpy Whooves or Ditzy Doo.

“Well,” Fluttershy said softly, “Discord is the one who set this all up. I guess that makes him the… DM?”

Pinkie Pie perked up. “So DM stands for Discord Manipulator in this case? Is Discord gonna be floating above us like a puppeteer all the time? Or is he like Celestia raising the sun, but he’s raising our expectations? That’s actually really cool, actually! So he’s, like, setting up this big play for us to act in, but we don’t have any lines written for us, so we gotta ad lib everything, and then he has to ad lib based on what we say, and then-”

“Yes, it’s exactly like that,” Wits End interrupted, fanning himself with his cap. “In any case, either of those cases don’t really give us good incentive to adventure. If Discord really wanted us to do something, he shoulda put us in a tavern with a quest giver, or a town hall, or-”
The raspy sound of a sword being drawn from its sheath cut off Wits End’s soliloquy. “So,” an equally raspy voice growled behind them, “what do we got here, Bugsy?”

“Looks like a bunch’ve wanderin’ piggy banks, Mugsy,” and equally raspy, albeit more feminine, voice responded, along with the sound of a bowstring being pulled back.

“...Or have us captured by the bad guys,” Wits End finished with a sigh. “Shoulda kept my big mouth shut.”

The owner of the first voice, Mugsy, floated in front of the group; a rust-brown pegasus with a longsword held in his hooves. “Now, the way I see it,” he said, “You folks have got two choices. Either you give us all your coin purses or you walk out of here with new holes in your windpipes. Savvy?”

The other voice, Bugsy. stepped into view: a muddy blue unicorn holding a drawn bow with her magic. She grinned, revealing a set of dirty and broken teeth. “You ‘eard ‘im! Give us yer bits!”

“I think we have a problem,” Pinkie Pie whispered.

“What gave you that idea?” Wits End muttered back.

“Um, maybe we can just talk about this?” Fluttershy asked.

The two bandits glanced at each other for a moment. “Sure, we can talk,” Mugsy said, looking back.

“But we talk with bits’n steel,” Bugsy finished. “So hand’m over or we’ll give you ours!”

“...Which one?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Bugsy blinked. “What?”

“Which one are we giving you? Our bits, or our steel?”

“Th’… th’bits.”

“Ohhhhhhh. So we give you our bits, and you give us yours?”

“What? No! You give us your bits, or we give you our steel!”

“So if we gave you our steel, would you give us your bits?”

“That’s not how this works!”

“Well, that’s okay, ‘cause we don’t have any steel.”

Bugsy’s eye twitched. “Then give us your bits!”

Wits End patted his robes. “I don’t have any bits. Do you have any bits, Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy checked her saddlebags. “Um, no. I don’t have any bits.”

“Pinkie Pie? Any bits?”

“I don’t!”

Wits End set his cap back on his head. “We don’t have any bits.”

Mugsy looked between the three ponies. “You don’t have any bits?”

“We don’t have any bits.”

Bugsy loosened her bowstring slightly. “You don’t’ve any bits?”

Wits End shrugged. “We don’t have any bits.”

Bugsy looked at Mugsy. “They don’t’ve any bits.”

Mugsy shook his head. “They don’t have any bits.”

“So,” Wits End said, “since we’ve established that we do not, in fact, have any bits, can we leave without any sort of kerfuffle?”

“Hang on,” Bugsy growled, shuffling closer to Mugsy. “What’d you think? No point’n offin’ them if they ain’t got no coin.”

“True, true,” Mugsy responded. “But it would be a shame if this whole thing was for nothing.”

“I don’t like not gettin’ paid,” Bugsy said in agreement.

“We appear to be on the horns of a dilemma, Bugsy.”

“We sure do, Mugsy.”

“If you want,” Wits End offered, “we could let you guys figure this stuff out, and come back later.”

Mugsy perked up. “I do believe I have an idea, Bugsy!

Bugsy’s face lit up. “What’s that, Mugsy?”

With a flourish, Mugsy pointed his blade at the three ponies. “We capture them, and use them as hostages to use against those stupid villagers!”

Wits End blinked. “Villagers?”

Bugsy grinned, pulled her bowstring back again. “That’s perfect! Then, those dopes won’t be able to fight back when we smash’m! Alright, you three. You’re comin’ with us, piggy banks!”

“Oh my,” Fluttershy said, leaning away from the arrow by her face.

“Wee!,” Pinkie Pie said,bouncing in place. “Piggy bank ponynapping adventure! This is gonna be so much fun!”

Wits End sighed, pulling the feather on his cap down over his face. “I think I liked it better when they were gonna kill us…”

Author's Note

Primary Author(s): Wits End

Chapter 7: Profitable Considerations

Light Patch, now conscious again, looked between the two mares flanking him. They had been walking through the forest in relative silence. The silence did little to calm the feeling of being trapped between two feuding dragons. The two had been playing the classic game usually only enjoyed by cat owners; the “I’m Not Paying Any Attention to You” game. By his count, Applejack was winning; largely because of Rarity’s need for social input, causing her to glance at Applejack once too often. Not to say that Applejack was doing a whole lot better. On second thought, I guess they are about equal really, he figured. Not that pretending it was all a game made him feel better about being stuck between them.

He looked back at the path ahead. Well, at least the forest’s noises keep it from being unbearably quiet, he thought. Any attempts at conversation tended to fail quickly, because if the conversation started with one mare, the other would fail to join. Which would then lead to him and the mare running out of things to say on the current topic, causing the whole conversation to trail off into silence again.

Instead, he found himself pondering the fate of his two friends; the two Discord had dragged in with him. Well, he hoped they’d come too. But not really, the pegasus thought to himself. I hope they haven’t been dragged into this. Except that I kind of do. But not really. ‘Cept for the small bit I did hope they were here. Light Patch shook his head to break the circular ring of looping thoughts. He give a slight snicker. Wits End would probably give me a weird look at least for the redundancy in that sentence if I’d said it out loud.
Rarity and Applejack noticed the stallion suddenly freeze with a look of somepony teetering on the edge of panic. That wasn’t the right name, it should have been Wit’s End. No still wrong, he thought. He knew his friend’s real name but everytime he focused on it, it came out as Wits End, spoken or thought. The two mares shared a concerned look with each other when he began walking and muttering something under his breath. Purple Heart was the result of trying to say the name of his other friend. Just like when I say or think my own name, Light Patch though, it comes out ponified. Given there wasn’t much he was able to do about the apparent forced renaming, he carefully packed the thought away for later.

His thoughts on his friends being saved for later, the stallion found his mind stuck in the doldrums once again. It was getting to the point that he was considering ways to turn both of the mares against him, just so they’d stop being angry at each other and actually talk. Well, to each other anyway. Man, I’m almost desperate enough to ask for an ambush or somethin’, just to bring us together as a group. Instead, however, the stallion found himself going over the little bit of information he’d been able to gather about the two mare’s abilities in this little ‘game.’

Rarity had a well stocked supply of needles and an apparent ability to control more of them at once than she’d used to. Unlike the sorceress she appeared to be however, she lacked in the ‘kill it with elements’ department. He turned his head from Rarity in time to miss her glancing at him. His eyes focused on the mare to the other side of him. Applejack upon closer inspection appeared to be some kind of fighter in a light leather armor or a ranger. Either way she seemed to lack any weapons of any kind.

As far as Patch was concerned, he was the only one actually combat ready. Well, seemingly combat ready, he thought, remembering some of his antics during D&D. At least I’ve got some armor and an actual weapon. All he seemed to have ability wise was his healing according to his character information, along with a fairly standard skill distribution for a cleric.

“Ah may not know all of the upper class stuff Rarity does, Sugarcube, but even I know it’s rude to stare.” Applejack said, snapping Light Patch from his thoughts. He blushed and looked straight ahead, trying to ignore the twittering from Rarity.

“Sorry,” he quickly responded, “I was thinking.”

“About what?” Rarity asked.

Before the stallion was able to respond, however, a cry for help broke the silence of the forest. He scrunched his eyes shut in frustration before starting towards where the cry for help came from. “Come on, we should go see if we can help.” he said, looking back towards the two mares. “But move quietly, we don’t know what’s going on. The element of surprise might be our only advantage.” Especially as under prepared as we seem to be, he added in his own thoughts. Not that pure combat strength is all that counts. This just means we’ll have to fight smarter, not harder. He finished, a small smile spreading over his face as he remembered his effective use of boulders one time. Once closer they began to make out the sounds of a bandit causing trouble.

“You’ll find no help out here lady, so just hoof over your goods and I’ll be on my way.” The three heroes quickly dropped to the ground and redoubled their efforts at sneaking upon hearing the bandit’s voice clearly. They silently inched forward until they could better make out what was happening. When they finally got close enough, they were greeted with the sight of a bandit pony in the process of robbing an earth pony merchant.

“We’ve got to do something. That trader needs our help.” Applejack hurriedly whispered, tensing for a fight.

“Fight? With what?” Patch quietly snapped alongside a short glare. “You don’t have weapons and Rarity lacks combat spells.” He finished with a small jerk of his hoof at Rarity.

“Be that as it may, Light Patch, but we have to do something. A lady just doesn’t stand around while this happens, you know. Besides, there is only one.” Rarity chimed in.

“And what about your weapon?” Applejack bit back. “An’ I don’t need weapons. I’ve got my hooves.”

“Just because we can only see one doesn’t mean there aren’t more hiding. It’s how I’d ambush a trader,” He paused. “Not that I would.” He added at the concerned looks of the two mares. “Also I’m a cleric, we’re support characters, not frontliners. We hang around in the middle doing what we can.” Light Patch said, trying to ignore the buzzing noise. Wait, buzzing? he thought. “Girls, look around for the source of that buzzing noise. Depending on what it is, I might have an idea.” he said, already searching himself. The two mares joined in on the search. All three looked for a few seconds before Rarity pointed a hoof.

“There, almost directly above the bandit; a beehive. Or a hornet or wasp’s nest. I can’t tell from here.” Rarity said. “But why did you want to know that?” she began to ask, but her sentence petered out at the evil grin spreading over Light Patch’s face.

“Ladies, I have a plan.” Light patch responded, his voice slightly menacing. The two girls glanced at each other, a little worried before motioning for him to continue. “Rarity can you hit that hive with a couple of your needles from here?”

“I think so, but what good would stirring them up be?” Rarity glanced at Light Patch in confusment. “The hive is too high up for them to think the bandit was involved,” she finished, having taken a guess at what his plan was.

“Thats where Applejack’s part comes in,” he turned to look at the orange mare. “Think you could knock the hive down onto the bandit?”
Applejack had a small look of surprise as the plan clicked into place in her head before turning to look. “It’s a bit far from here, but if I sneak a bit closer it shouldn’t be any problem.”

“Awesome, you both know your bits of the plan. I’ll sneak around to be as close as I can to the bandit, so I can move in or act as a distraction incase something goes wrong.” He looked at the two mares who only nodded. He gave a quick nod back as he turned to sneak around to his position.

Light Patch reached his position first and waited. Rarity was next and Applejack was the last. Once all three were in position, Rarity took three of her needles in her magic and launched them into the side of the hive; this had the desired effect of enraging the bees. Seconds afterwards, a lasso flew up from the brush and snagged the hive. With a quick tug, Applejack freed the hive from the branch and it fell to the ground. When it impacted the ground it burst like an overripe melon, and the bees, angry at the perceived attack and loss of their home, swarmed after the nearest target; which in this case happened to be the bandit. With a scream of terror, the bandit fled into the woods, screaming as the bees chased and stung him. As the three left their hiding spots to check on the merchant, they noticed three wisps of light fly from the broken hive. The wisps hovered for a second before splitting, each one launching into a different pony. Light Patch heard a quiet voice whisper ‘experience gained’.

Light Patch shrugged his confusion off first and moved over to check the merchant. “You okay? The bee’s didn’t go after you did they?” he asked, quickly checking the tan and coffee pinto merchant for injuries. She just stared back stunned at the sudden intervention.

“It’s okay, we’re here t’help ya.” Applejack said after she trotted up.

“So the beehive was you?” The merchant asked, still sounding unsure.

“Of course! Well, it was mostly his idea, but we all had our part in it,” Rarity said, motioning to Light Patch. “His name is Light Patch, that is Applejack, and my name is Rarity,” she finished with a small bow.

“I’m, uh-” The merchant cleared her throat, trying to let her mind catch up. “My name is Perfect Profit. I was resting when that bandit found me.” She turned and started limping towards her cart.

“Oh dear, did the bandit wound your leg?” Rarity asked when she saw Perfect Profit’s limp.

“No, I’ve been limping all day,” Perfect Profit said, a slight blush creeping over her face. “I tripped a bit earlier and twisted my leg.” She was about to say more, but was interrupted by a flash of light. She noticed her leg had stopped hurting as well. She looked to see Light Patch pulling his hoof away. “You're a cleric?” She asked, looking over his hodgepodge set of armor. Granted, she wasn’t well versed in clerics or magic, but Perfect Profit was sure the clerics she had seen usually looked a bit more presentable.

“Yeah I’m a cleric. I know I probably don’t look it but I swear I am. Is your leg better or do you need more healing?” Light Patch responded.

“No, no, no. It’s fine. Besides, I don’t think I could afford to pay you for the first one.” Perfect Profit responded with a small smile. “Magical healing like that can be a bit pricey here in the rural areas.”

“You’re a trader right?” Light Patch asked. Perfect Profit responded with a nod. “Well then, you could pay us back by leading us to the nearest town. My friends and I are a little, uh, lost at the moment. Besides, there could also still be more bandits near by. I’d hate to have to rescue you again.”

Perfect Profit nodded with a small blush. “O-okay, sure. Just let me get hitched back up to the cart and we can be off,” Perfect responded, quickly trotting over to her cart. A few moments later, the group was once again on the road, but this time with a clear direction in mind.

Author's Note

Primary Author(s): Light Patch

Chapter 8: Hearts of Iron

Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Purple Heart had been walking for several hours in amiable silence down the path the clearing’s opening had revealed. A great deal was weighing on each of their minds. Twilight was theorizing on the consequences and reasons that revolved around Purple Heart’s presence. The Princess of Friendship had seldom seen a pony with a coat as dark as his except for Princess Luna’s. His strange blue tattoos were a mystery as well. Since the earth pony had avoided Rainbow’s question about them by saying they were part of his ‘costume’, Twilight had remained suspicious of the purple stallion’s motives. And his lack of cutie mark was equally mysterious.

Why had Discord chosen him to be part of his game? Were there other ponies like Purple Heart with the rest of the Mane Six? Why was he dodging her questions? Twilight couldn’t find logical answers to these inquiries without asking Purple Heart himself, but the earth pony had made his position quite clear. He wasn’t in the mood for answering questions and certainly wasn’t going to offer up an explanation voluntarily. The magenta alicorn sighed and watched Rainbow Dash dart in blissful ignorance above them.

Unbeknownst to Twilight, Rainbow Dash’s thoughts were racing about her mind. She found the strange purple earth pony to be rather intriguing, despite his reserved demeanor. He seemed pretty smart and gutsy for an earth pony and he had been surprisingly calm during the encounter with the Wandering Pine. The sky blue pegasus thought of herself as an experienced fighter. During many of the adventures she had experienced with her friends, it was she who had been the first to jump to their defense whenever danger reared its ugly head. But Rainbow Dash felt that Purple Heart had a significant edge when it came to combat. She didn’t know how or why, she just knew. And now she was curious. So she did the most logical thing she could think of.

“Purple Heart?”

“Hm?”

“How many fights have you been in?” the sky blue pegasus asked. Twilight froze mid-trot and nearly tripped over her own legs. Righting herself, she sucked air through her teeth in surprise. Purple Heart slowed to leisurely walk, but kept moving down the path.

“What do you mean?” he asked, not looking at Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash shrugged, flipping over to float on her back.

“Like, do you get into fights with ponies that rile you up?” she clarified. “Or do you do large scale fights?” Twilight realized she was being left behind and hopped into the air, flapping her wings several times to catch up to the other two ponies. Purple Heart mulled the question over in silence as he sped up to a trot again.

“I’ve seen my fair share of fights,” he replied finally. “Been in a group activity a few times as well.” He didn’t elaborate on the nature of the conflicts. Rainbow Dash may not have noticed while she nodded silently as her question had been answered, but Twilight did. Purple Heart remained an enigma that the Princess of Friendship desperately wanted to solve. For more reasons than one.

Meanwhile, Purple Heart’s heart was racing. He had just nearly dodged a bullet that would’ve revealed his true identity to his new companions. It was thanks to his quick thinking and newly found sense of caution that he had told the half-truth at all. Purple Heart had indeed seen his fair share of fights and had indeed participated in group activities several times. But they weren’t the kind of fights Rainbow Dash had been referring to. Playing sports was about the closest thing the purple earth pony had participated that was even close to a conflict.

And that wasn’t including the video games he had played over the course of his life. Truthfully, the only reason why Purple Heart hadn’t been pissing himself in terror when he stood before the Wandering Pine was because he knew that Discord wouldn’t kill off a player this early. Well… He had been 80% certain Discord wouldn’t. Having a party wipe at the very start of a scenario wasn’t the best of ideas for a Dungeon Master.

Purple Heart had told another half-truth when he had answered Twilight’s question about how he had survived the Wandering Pine’s attack. While he had dodged to avoid the massive club, he had moved a little slower than he had realized and, as a result, got winged by the wooden weapon. The force of the attack alone had been enough to stun Purple Heart for a few seconds. It was a miracle that Twilight hadn’t checked his health bar. For all she knew, he had escaped unscathed.

I’ll have to be quicker next time, the purple earth pony thought to himself. I won’t be able to get away with getting winged if the enemy is stronger than that tree was. I’m almost happy that it wasn’t an Ent.

The previous silence had changed from its amiable nature to one of tense discomfort. Seeking to banish the cloud of tension, Purple Heart cleared his throat.

“So,” he grunted. “Does Discord do things like this often?” Twilight shook her head.

“Most of the time, he just commits small, irritating acts that are merely a pain to deal with,” the magenta alicorn replied. “I’m surprised you even know who he is.” Purple Heart chuckled.

“Where I come from, a great deal of people know who he is,” the purple stallion chortled. “But most are grown ponies. Ponies my age aren’t too familiar with Discord’s antics in the past.”

Twilight frowned, understanding where Purple Heart was coming from. Discord was indeed an old being that not many ponies in this age knew of. It was only because Discord had escaped his stone prison that day that Twilight actually knew of his existence. It wasn’t a great stretch to believe what Purple Heart said about the younger inhabitants of his home town not knowing who Discord was.

“I’m rather curious about how Discord wants this to play out,” Purple Heart chimed. “I haven’t seen any of the noticeable signs of a particular scenario yet.” Both Twilight and Rainbow Dash frowned at the stallion’s words.

“Scenario?” Rainbow Dash asked. Purple Heart nodded.

“Basically the plot course this fiasco will take,” he elaborated. “Personally, I’ve developed three stereotypes.” Purple Heart stopped as the path diverged into an intersection and faced the flying ponies.

“One: the populace of a town is cursed by a slighted witch bent on revenge,” he said, lifting his hoof as if to count off the stereotypes before realizing he had a severe lack of phalanges to accomplish the task. His muzzle flushing red in embarrassment, he put his hoof down before continuing. “Two: a community in the middle of nowhere is plagued by undead, goblins, or orcs. And three-” The appearance of three ponies wearing bent and rusted armor from the far path of the intersection cut Purple Heart’s explanation off.

“And then she says, ‘I will knock you into the middle of next week!’ To which I reply with, ‘Please do, cuz I’m having a rough time this week,’” one of the armored ponies said shrilly as the trio burst into laughter that quickly died when they saw Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Purple Heart at the other end of the intersection. The ponies stood and stared at each other for several seconds in an impasse.

“Huh,” Purple Heart grunted. “Guess its the third stereotype.”

“What’s the third stereotype?” Rainbow Dash asked, a little worried at the current situation. Twilight turned her head to look at Purple Heart, expectantly awaiting his response.

“The third stereotype,” the earth pony explained. “Is ‘Bandits running around, making trouble and doing shenanigans.’”

“Huh,” Rainbow Dash grunted as a strange voice that bore shocking similarities to Discord’s boomed across the sky.

“You have encountered a Bandit Patrol,” the voice declared. “Combat is joined.” Purple Heart sighed as the grid and list appeared.

“This is going to get very interesting very fast,” he grumbled, preparing himself for the coming conflict. “I wasn’t expecting another encounter again right of the bat. Grumble mumble.”

Author's Note

Primary Author(s): Purple Heart

Chapter 9: A Town on Crossed Roads

They had traveled in wary silence for a while after they got on the forest trail again. listening for the bandit or other dangers. Once sure they were at least relatively safe, conversation sprung up.

“If you don’t mind me asking, just what are you all? No offence, but you’re a, um...” Perfect Profit trailed off trying to find the right word.

“Motley crew?” Light Patch chimed in, “Rag tag bunch of heroes? Band of misfits?”

Rarity snorted with indignity. “Please, I always fit in.”

“Like the time you tried to impress Trenderhoof?” Applejack said, a small smile on her lips.

A flash of horror flew across Rarity’s face, leaving Applejack and Light Patch to laugh. Perfect Profit gave a few chuckles too. “I think I’d have to pick a varied cast of adventurers. I mean, I know he’s a cleric, but what are you two?”

Applejack’s laughter died as the question sounded through her mind; mostly because it was a good one. She looked at her gear again pondering the question, “A’hm a Brawler-Wrangler.” It took her a couple seconds to realize that had been her. Brawler-Wrangler; she didn’t exactly know what having two classes entailed, but it did feel like it fit.

“How... apt.” Rarity said, glancing at Applejack. “I, myself, am a Manipulator.”

“And I’m not actually a cleric, I’m actually a Necro Botanist,” Light Patch chimed trying to keep the smile from his face as Rarity and Applejack glared at him. “Okay, okay I’m kidding I’m a cleric, although I may have to talk to the draconequus upstairs about a class change and OW!” he said after taking a swift hit from Applejack. “Allright, allright I get it, ‘Shut up Light Patch you're not helping.’”

Perfect Profit giggled for a few moments at the antics of the heroes in front of her. “I think rich assortment of varied characters would fit as well.” Light Patch opened up to chime in but a disapproving look from Rarity kept him quiet. “But how did you all end up traveling together?” she finished, looking at the group beside her.

Rarity quietly whispered to Applejack, “Until we see a reason to stop, we might as well play along with Discord’s little game.” Applejack nodded as Rarity turned to look at Perfect Profit. “Well, Applejack and I grew up in the same town. Some monster’s attacked it one day and we fought them off. After that, we just decided to pack up one day and adventure around together. As for Light Patch, well...”

“We pulled him outa’ a crater when he fell from the sky,” Applejack threw in. Perfect Profit raised and eyebrow as she glanced at the pegasus. He was too busy watching a butterfly flitting around his head to notice the look of the mares.

Rarity leaned close to Perfect Profit whispered, “The poor dear seemed to be rather shaken up and missing bits of his memory, so we decided we’d keep him around until he had his hooves on the ground a little more firmly,” she finished, glancing at the colt in question.

“Well, you three seem to make for a good team,” Perfect Profit said just as they exited the forest. “And here it is; the town of Roads Crossed,” she said, stopping a moment to wave a hoof towards the small town sitting before them.

Light looked away from the butterfly to take in the town. It was a little odd to be honest. From what he could see, it appeared to be bordered on two sides by the forest; as if the town used to be near it, but then started eating the forest as it grew. Even still, saying it was bordered by the forest was a bit generous. The forest was cleared away from the town a fair distance, the grassy clearing marred by a few stumps here and there.

They quickly and easily covered the distance between the forest’s edge and the town. “Well, thanks for the rescue and the escort. I’m gonna head over to the market district to get set up. And look me up before you leave if you can,” the mare said giving a quick wave to the group. “I don’t really trade in things that adventurers need, but what I do have I’ll give you a good price on what I do stock,” Perfect Profit called over her shoulder as she departed.

“So now what?” Light Patch asked, turning to look at the mares.

“Now we see if we can find some clues as to our friends where abouts,” Applejack responded, looking around.

“Right to the tavern.” Light Patch responded, striking another heroic pose.

“And going to the tavern would help how?” Rarity looked at the colt with an eyebrow raised.

“All good quests and adventuring parties start there. Trust me, I’m dangerously genre savvy.” Light Patch gained a slightly far away look and a stupid grin for a few moments before he cleared his throat and continued. “But besides that it’s a local gathering spot where people go to talk and exchange information and rumors. So chances are if your friends came through this town at any point and they look as,” he paused searching for a word, “interesting as we do. We’ll probably hear something about it in the tavern.” Applejack and Rarity looked at the grey pegasus, both looking as if they wished to contradict his idea for their own reasons. Reluctantly, Applejack spoke up.

“That actually sounds fairly reasonable. Unless you’ve got a better idea, Rarity?” Applejack turned to look at Rarity, who only shook her head. “Right, then it’s settled. We head to the tavern for any potential information on finding our friends.” All three nodded before picking a random street in the town and starting down it.

They had planned on finding some pony to ask for directions. What they found was a lack of ponies. Applejack turned to look at her compatriots “Ah don’t even know where we are now. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say we’d just found a ghost town or something.” Rarity hummed while Light Patch looked behind them.

“I could probably lead us back to where we started and we could see if we can find Perfect Profit.” he began before pausing, his ears turning to face a sound he’d heard. “Wait I think I heard something.” he said aloud, his mind desperately trying to hold in the freakout from the ear thing. “I think there might be some ponies this way,” he said, turning down a near by street. Rarity and Applejack shared a shrug before following him, both of them having heard nothing.

A short distance down the street, the noise grew to easily audible levels. All three ponies shared a quick glance before taking off down the street. The noise quickly grew into the murmur of several voices. Eventually they emerged into a large trapezoid in what Light Patch figured was around the middle of the town. Buildings framed it, with a large more elaborate one creating the smallest side. The town’s ponies filled the park; some of them shouting at a pony standing on the balcony of what Light Patch figured was the mayor’s house. Others murmured to the ones standing next to them, and the rest simply stood listening.

“Well, we found them. But now what?” Applejack looked around, seeming unsure.

“It looks like some kind of town meeting,” Rarity chimed in. “I think the best thing we could do now is to simply listen in for a bit, and see if we can figure out what it’s about.” Rarity looked at the others in the group. After a quick nod from them both, she lead the way through the crowd towards the assumed front; using her highly trained gossip senses to try and pick out any important information from the chatter around her as they went.

“The bandits seem to getting bolder,” she heard one mare say. “I’ve heard they were bold enough to attack a troop supply caravan,” came another voice. “I’d heard they’d attacked a dragons lair,” proclaimed another with a rumor her gossip senses picked out as false. Honestly, she thought to herself, if they were gonna try to play that game, they could at least try to put some effort into it.

A pair of fairly haggard looking ponies caught her ears next. She tsked a little at their appearance, but their rumors kept her attention. “Did you hear about that one city way up north? They say it suffers almost constant raids,” one of the asked.

“The one up in the Majorialis mountain range?” The second one looked confused. “I thought I’d heard it was near constant Ursa attacks?”

An older stallion suddenly chimed in. “Thats nothing, I’ve heard there is some kind of succession war brewing-” Noise drowned out the rest of the older stallions words.

“Don’t you three think your time would be better spent focusing on the here and now?” a mare spat at the three stallions, and seizing up their little rumor mill. Ah, well, Rarity thought. It was just as well; she was just about out of hearing range anyway.

The small group emerged from the crowd again, only now at the front. They looked up at the balcony just as the mayor tried to regain control of the town gathering. “Ponies! Ponies, please we’re not gonna solve the bandit problem by yelling at each other!” he shouted, then waited a few seconds for it to quiet down enough for him to be heard. “We need ideas on what we could do, not rumors about what they might have attacked,” he finished, looking out amongst the crowd.

“What if we fight them off?” shouted a voice.

“With what? Good as the town guard is, it’s still small and even if all of us could train with weapons quickly enough, we lack the needed number to go around. Unless someponies are willing to go into battle, bravely wielding brooms?” the mayor snarked back.

“What if we hid the village?” suggested another voice.

“Hide it? Where?” the mayor asked. “In a hole? Or are you suggesting we paint the entire village to look like empty grassland with a crossroad in it?”

“Yeah, we paint it to look like a-” The sharp crack of the mayor’s head hitting the balcony railing interrupted the pony.

Applejack and Rarity exchanged a worried glance at the view of the mayor hitting his head on the railing.

“I have a plan.” Light Patch took a step forward. “What if we built a replica of the town some distance away and then rigged the whole town to blow up when the bandits are all inside of it.” Light Patch paused and looked around. “Wait, carp. That won’t work, where would we get the needed explosives? Maybe if we,” he began to mutter and sketch things into the dirt, occasionally cackling and grinning evilly.

The mayor stopped hitting his head on the balcony railing and looked up. “Traps! Those could work.” He looked up at the towns ponies. “We fill the town so full of traps it either stops them cold, or makes them consider the town not worth their effort. Okay everypony, get on home, look at what you’ve got around the house and start figuring out how to use it for traps. Then head over to the guards’ barracks; they’ll be leading the coordination efforts. Also, if any ponies have skills that could be useful to the effort, please report to the guard barracks,” the mayor said before turning around and leaving the balcony.

Applejack and Rarity looked at each other. “We should head over there,” Rarity said after a moment of hesitation. “Your skill with the ropes could be very useful to the efforts.”

“As could your attention to detail, Rarity. Don’t want to have a trap fail or go off early, after all,” Applejack finished with a nod. The two moved quickly to catch up to a pony in armor, as the town center emptied.

“Got it!” Light Shouted with triumph. “What if we,” the stallion looked around at the empty park. “Wait where did everypony go?” Still glancing around he managed to catch a glimpse of Rarity’s tail disappearing around a corner. He sprinted after the mares.

Author's Note

Primary Author(s): Light Patch

Chapter 10: Conflicting Hearts

The six ponies looked at each other across the intersection in silence, sizing the opposing party up. One of the bandit ponies, a dark colored stallion with an unusually well-groomed mane for a bandit, stepped to the edge of his square and assumed a relaxed posture.

“Hello, what have we here?” the bandit pony drawled. “Welcome to this crossroad. My name is Land Bet. I’m the primary toll collector of this intersection. And who might you three be?”

“Can it, smoothie,” Purple Heart snarled. “We have to fight another encounter not long after another. Getting hit by Treebeard back there didn’t do my HP any favors. I’m not amused.” He glanced at the list that hovered in the middle of the intersection. Sitting at the top was Rainbow Dash followed by two of the bandit ponies, including Land Bet, then there was Purple Heart, the third bandit pony, and finally Twilight Sparkle.

“Ok,” Purple Heart muttered. “Looks like we’re facing a rogue, ranger, and a warrior.” Twilight cocked her head as she looked in puzzlement at the purple stallion.

“And you know that how?” she asked. Purple Heart jerked his head at the list.

“Observation,” he explained. “Classes like rogues, druids, and rangers will have higher initiative while warriors, clerics, and wizards will have lower initiative.” Twilight nodded her head, understanding what the stallion was getting at.

“Ranger, druids, and rogues get an advantage that increases their chances of getting the first strike in,” she realized. “That’s why they are higher up the list.” Purple Heart chuckled.

“You’re learning,” he complimented. “Keep it up, and we may live through this.” Rainbow Dash cleared her throat noisily, demanding her companions’ attention.

“Any advice, Purple Heart?” she asked, a panicked note clear in her voice. As Purple Heart considered the question, Twilight pouted for a moment in silence. Originally, she had been the one who led her friends in times of danger. They had trusted her to make the right choices and had allowed her to carry their lives in her hooves. The magenta alicorn couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of the new earth pony they had met just recently that seemed to have a great deal of knowledge about what was going on while Twilight was still in the dark. Twilight was jerked from her reverie when she heard Purple Heart speak.

“Go after the pegasus,” he ordered, gesturing towards the dirt brown pony floating beside Land Bet. “Test the waters.” Rainbow Dash nodded, looking at the list for the pegasus’ name. Twilight looked across the path at their opponents. Land Bet was an earth pony with a dark brown coat the color of chocolate. His clothing was threadbare and patched but the glint of studded armor was apparent under his outer-wear. A pair of cruel-looking daggers were sheathed in his belt, identifying him as the Rogue.

The pegasus bandit and the other earth pony wore garb similar to Land Bet’s but their choice of armament differed greatly. A number of javelins were visible in a quiver at the pegasus bandit’s hip and a massive hammer was slung across the earth pony’s back.

Ranger and warrior I assume, Twilight thought to herself. Purple Heart was right. The magenta alicorn turned to watch Rainbow Dash prepare her attack.

“I attack Foul Wing with my bow,” the blue pegasus declared as she pulled her bow from its sling and set an arrow to the string. The marker and reticule appeared over the pegasus bandit as Rainbow Dash drew the bowstring back to her cheek. Waiting for several tense seconds, Rainbow Dash watched as the reticule tracked over the opposing pony’s body. Just as she was about to release at the pegasus’ head, the earth pony with the hammer spoke.

“Taunt,” he rumbled. Time seemed to slow as Rainbow Dash’s body suddenly twisted of its own accord and lined up with the Hammer Pony, dragging her aim along with it. The arrow whizzed away, hitting nowhere near its intended target. With a dull thunk, the arrow embedded itself in a tree several yards behind the trio of bandit ponies.

“Um...” Rainbow Dash mumbled. “What happened?” Twilight and RD both looked in puzzlement to Purple Heart for an explanation. The purple earth pony’s muzzle was twisted into a grimace as he looked at the Hammer Pony. The list at the intersection’s center blinked once and Rainbow Dash’s name moved to the bottom to be replaced by Fowl Wing.

“Just as I thought,” he growled. “There’s an interrupt rule.” Twilight cocked her head in confusion.

“A what rule?” she asked. Purple Heart opened his mouth to respond, but Fowl Wing snatched the moment away.

“I attack the winged unicorn with a javelin,” she croaked, hefting one of her weapons from her quiver. The marker appeared over Twilight’s head and the javelin sped towards the magenta alicorn.

“Twilight, dodge!” Rainbow Dash screamed. Then something interesting occured.

Rainbow Dash had inadvertently activated the interrupt rule when she said ‘dodge.’ As a result, Rainbow Dash jerked a yard to her right and touched Fowl Wing’s javelin just briefly. But the minute contact between pegasus and javelin was enough to skew the javelin’s trajectory so that it passed within inches of Twilight’s right wing, nearly nicking the feathers. Fowl Wing gawked in awe for a moment before howling in fury. The list blinked once and Fowl Wing’s name moved to the bottom to be replaced by Land Bet. Purple Heart glared at Rainbow Dash, making the blue pegasus cringe.

“Do you realize how close that was?” he growled darkly. “When it’s my turn, I’ll deal with you,” With a huff, Purple Heart turned to scrutinize Land Bet as the earth pony considered his options.

“I use Sneak,” Land Bet clucked, shaking his head at Rainbow Dash as he dissolved into the background. “For shame, dear. Fowl will be out to get you now.”

“Um...isn't that cheating?” Rainbow Dash asked, gesturing at the spot where Land Bet had been. Purple Heart huffed again as the list blinked and Land Bet’s name moved to the bottom to be replaced by Purple Heart.

“No, its a perfectly logical and irritating course of action,” he snarled. “Particularly for a rogue. The fact he can do it during combat worries me. Anyway, at least we aren’t facing a mage. That’d be worrisome. Aside from that, his Taunt is still in effect… Guess I’ll have to attack him.” He jerked a hoof at the large earth pony. Twilight cocked her head.

“Why?” she asked. Purple Heart groaned.

“Because the purpose of ‘Taunt’ is to draw attention to one’s self,” he snapped. “That’s why Rainbow Dash’s arrow missed her target.” The purple earth pony swung around to glare at Rainbow Dash. “Speaking of which, why did you tell her to dodge? You wasted an interrupt for us!” Rainbow Dash frowned.

“How could I have known that would happen?” she retorted. “I’m not as knowledgable as you when it comes to stuff like this. So, if you have some advice, shout out! I have absolutely no idea how to do this kind of thing!” Twilight’s eyebrows rose at Rainbow Dash’s outburst and looked at Purple Heart to gauge the earth pony’s response. Purple Heart sighed and rubbed a cheek with a hoof.

“Touché,” he mumbled. “My apologies. I’m not used to playing this kind of thing with amateurs.” Rainbow Dash stiffened at the purple earth pony's words and frowned at him as he turned away to regard the Hammer Pony at the opposite end of the intersection. Twilight smiled at Rainbow Dash. She agreed with and understood her friend’s outburst at Purple Heart’s snide comment. He did have more experience and knowledge than both of them put together and he still expected them to perform on par with himself. That made him appear selfish and caused Twilight to question his morality as well as his true nature. The magenta alicorn’s thoughts were interrupted by Purple Heart’s voice.

“I charge at Hammer Hoof,” he declared. Almost instantaneously, Purple Heart was launched across the intersection and rammed square into Hammer Hoof. The bandit pony grunted at the impact and stumbled back a pace. The green bar over his head winked once before shrinking to about a three quarters its original length.

“And now I’m screwed,” Purple Heart muttered as his name sifted to the bottom to be replaced by Hammer Hoof. The bandit pony grinned and lifted his hammer from his back.

“I attack Purple Heart with my warhammer,” he growled, raising the weapon with both hooves over his head.

“Eh, piss,” Purple Heart muttered, bracing for the imminent impact. Then the hammer struck. Originally, Purple Heart had only 80% of his full health. That is until the hammy made contact. Half of Purple Heart’s remaining health zonked out instantly. Twilight and Rainbow Dash gaped in awe and horror as the purple earth pony struggled to get back to his feet.

“Ow,” Purple Heart groaned, rubbing his neck with a hoof. “That hurt.”

“I’m sure it does,” Hammer Hoof agreed. Purple Heart froze.

“‘Does?’” he echoed. “Not ‘did’?” Hammer Hoof twisted his muzzle into a sneer but remained silent. Twilight frowned in confusion before noticing something that had changed about Purple Heart’s health bar.

“Um,” she mumbled and pointed at the shrunken green bar. The purple earth pony, Rainbow, and Hammer all looked at the bar over Purple Heart’s head. It was holding steady at about 40% full with a green flame icon at one end. The turn list changed, sending Hammer Hoof’s name to the bottom and bringing Twilight to the top. Then Purple Heart’s health bar shrunk slightly. Twilight and RD gaped. The two visible bandit ponies snickered. Purple Heart blinked in surprise.

“...Wat?” Purple Heart babbled as tiny green flames sprung up across his body. “Why am I on fire?” Hammer Hoof grinned.

“Afterburn,” he grunted. “Enchantment.” Purple Heart stared silently into the middle-distance for a moment before speaking again.

“Debuffs,” he muttered. “Perfect. Hey, Discord. How long does this thing last?” The Discord-like voice boomed across the sky.

“The Enchanted Fire Afterburn Debuff,” the voice explained. “Removes 10% of the total Health bar per turn for the next four turns. There is no way to dispel this debuff.” Purple Heart looked back at Rainbow Dash and Twilight, his face twisted into a grimace of pain.

“Looks like we’ve got a time limit now,” he wheezed. “Better make this quick.”

Author's Note

Author(s): Purple Heart

Chapter 11: Connections, References, and Lumber

Five ponies marched across the plains of tall grass; the two armed ones behind the three captured adventurers with weapons ready. “Keep it movin’,” Bugsy growled, poking at Fluttershy’s rear with an arrow, eliciting a squeak of surprise.

“Of course we’re gonna keep moving,” Wits End muttered, swatting a grass stalk away from his face. “Where else is there to go?”

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth, pointing a hoof in a random direction.

“Rhetorical question. Forget I asked,” Wits End said quickly.

Mugsy sniffed the air, leaping off the ground to hover a few yards above the group. “Ah, home sweet home.”

Wits End glanced around at the flat expanse around them. “What’re you talking about? We’re no less in the middle of a field what we were ten minutes ago. What kind of home is thi-AUGH!”

Part of the ground gave out under the unicorn’s hoof, sending him sprawling toward the ravine that had been hidden by the wall of grass stalks. Only Pinkie Pie grabbing his tail in her teeth kept him from falling the rest of the way down. “Oh,” he groaned, “the kind that tries to kill you. My favorite.” A particularly strong tug from Pinkie landed him back on solid ground. “Thanks.”

“Merph ferfphum,” the pink party pony replied.

“...You can stop biting my tail now, Pinkie.”

“Ber ert terphs miph sphermenph!”

Wits End stared for a good five seconds at he stared at the slowly nibbling mare, brain spinning to process what was going on. “Stop eating my tail!” he cried, tugging it out of the earth pony’s mouth.

“Aww…”

“If you lot are quite finished,” Mugsy said, landing next to a ramp leading down into the ravine. He motioned with his head, one hoof on the hilt of his sword

The three adventurer ponies made their way down the ramp, keeping close together as they saw more ponies armored in the same tattered armor as their captors. “Do you think we’ll be alright?” Fluttershy whispered.

“I think so,” Wits End whispered back. “I think this is all part of Discord’s current quest for us. Bandits are pretty standard beginner fodder, after all. If they didn’t have the drop on us, we probably could’ve taken them.”

“Then why didn’t we?” Pinkie Pie hissed.

Wits End shook his head. “Call it a hunch, but I think we’re suppose to be captured here. Otherwise, we would’ve been thrown into combat as soon as we saw them. I’ve run campaigns like this before; you don’t bring the players into the enemy lair without a good reason. Just play it cool, and don’t do anything that’d make them wanna kill us.”

Fluttershy nodded, a knot forming in her throat. Pinkie Pie held up a hoof in what Wits End’s brain registered as a thumbs up, sans thumb. “Great,” he thought, stepping off the bottom of the ramp. “Pony body language. More questions for Discord when I met him again. After I punch him right in the tooth, that is.”

“Well, well, well,” a voice boomed, rough like grit and hard like gravel. “What’ve we got here?” Seated at a raised podium was a large earth pony, with a patchy grey-green coat and a mane that clung to him like a mass of seaweed. He was better armored than the rest of the bandits, wearing most of a suit of full plate armor. Leaning against his makeshift throne was a massive club, with spiked bands of rusty iron wrapped about it. “New recruits, then?”

“Better, boss!” Bugsy said with a broken grin, elbowing Pinkie Pie out of the way to stand in front of the bandit chief. “We’ve got us some hostages from the village!”

“Yes,” Mugsy agreed, landing next to his unicorn partner in crime. “With hostages in our back pocket, those fools in the village will have no choice to surrender.”

“Hmm…” The chief rubbed his chin with the back of a dirty hoof. “I don’t recognize any of them from the village. Are you sure they’re villagers?”

The two bandits froze. “Uhh.”

Pinkie Pie raised a hoof. “What village’re you guys talking about?”

The bandit chief glared at the two shivering bandits. “At least tell me you took their bits.”

“Umm, well.” Mugsy rubbed the back of his head with a hoof.

“They don’t’ve any bits,” Bugsy said, wings folded tightly against her sides.

The chief raised an eyebrow. “They don’t have any bits?”

“They don’t-”

Pinkie held up a forehoof. “We’ve done this joke before,” she interrupted.

The chief shifted in his throne, his armor clanking around him. “So they have no money, no connection to the village, and no interest in joining my raiders?”

“That about sums it up,” Wits End agreed. “So if you don’t mind, we’ll just be leavi-”

“Well,” the chief continued, “at least they’re good looking mares. Put the three of them to work in the canteen. Free up some more ponies to bring in some actual bits.” He growled the last word, sending a chill down the two bandit’s spines. “Next time you two moss-heads get the bright idea to take hostages, make sure they’re useful.”

The bandits nodded vigorously, pushing the three adventurers toward the kitchen tent. However, Wits End dug his hooves into the ground. “OBJECTION! I am no mare!”

The chief’s eyebrow raised again as he looked the mint and sea-green unicorn over. “Are you sure?”
Wits End nodded. “Yes. Definitely. Wait.” He glanced between his legs, pulling his cloak aside slightly. “Yes. Definitely sure. One-hundred percent.”

“Huh. Never would’ve guessed.”

“Oye!”

The chief waved a forehoof idly as he settled back into his throne. “Well then, throw the girly colt in with Woodsworth. He could use the exercise.” He grinned as the unicorn was surrounded by a pair of grey pegasi. “Let the mares watch. It’ll serve to keep them in line.”

Wits End blinked as he was lifted by the forelegs into the air. “I did not think this objection out very well. I’d like to retract my previous stateme-AAAAAUGH!” He hit the dirt floor of the lowered arena-esque area face-first, sending up a small cloud of dust. “Someday I’ll learn to keep my big mouth shut,” he muttered, dusting his cloak off as he regained his balance. “Alright, who’s this Woodsworth then?”

A gust of musty air blew down on his head, flattening both his mane and the feather in his cap. He looked up slowly, his eyes widening to the size of dinner plates as he took in the maw of vines and bark that was hanging over him; a thick tongue of moss dripping dirty water on his upturned face.

“Oh my,” Wits End said softly, spotting the bandits lining around the arena. “Nice doggy?” He tumbled backwards as the Timberwolf snapped at his head, sliding a few feet away. “I guess not!” he shouted as the grid formed over the ground around him.

The massive canine raised its head to the sky, letting out a haunting wooden howl as the Discord-alike voice announced. “You have been thrown into combat with the Timberwolf. Combat is joined.”

Wits End’s name was at the top of the list, and he gritted his teeth, mind racing. No way I can take this thing on my own, he thought. No spells, no weapons, no armor worth a dang, and a whole awful lot to lose. If I could just get my hooves… dangit. If I could get my hooves on a sword, I might stand a chance… He looked up at the ridge of the arena, where Fluttershy was looking down at him, and Pinkie Pie was bouncing in circles, singing some sort of song about bravery and disembowelment, no doubt.

He blinked, eyes following the pink pony’s movements. “Wait a minute,” he muttered, brain connecting the dots. “Pinkie! Fluttershy! You guys can still move!”

Fluttershy pawed at the space next to her, not feeling any sort of barrier. Pinkie Pie nodded vigorously, leaning far over the edge. “Of course we can, silly! You’re the one fighting, not us!”

“Perfect!” Wits End backed away from the Timberwolf, moving through the grid until he bumped into an invisible wall. “Somepony find me a sword!”

“Why?” Fluttershy asked, as Pinkie bounced away, singing something about ‘sword-poke roundup’.

“Because I plan on not dying while I’m in here, that’s why!”

“Oh. Okay. Just be safe!” Fluttershy flew out of sight, in the same direction as Pinkie. The bandits remained enraptured by the mint-colored unicorn’s fight for his life, leaving the mares to their business.

Wits End swallowed hard, looking up at the Timberwolf again. “Easier said than done. I take a Total Defence action, and end my turn!”

The Timberwolf’s name moved to the top of the list, and it closed the distance between them in a few bounds. It raised one paw in the air, and swiped it across his body in a vicious motion. Sharp pain shot through his body where the claws tore into him, and a gasp escaped his lips as the air was forced out of his lungs.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, something shifted slightly. Some part of him took apart the pain and the sensation of being hit by the wooden claws, as if he could eventually understand it.

A few moments later, he picked himself up, physically unharmed. “Huh,” he muttered through gritted teeth. “Not even a scratch in my cloak. My immersion is ruined, Discord!” Wits End looked up at the green bar over his head, watching it tick down slightly. “Not nearly as bad as I thought it’d be.” He ran to the other end of the arena, shaking his head as he tried to clear his mind. “Total Defence action!”

Once again, the wooden wolf ran at him, taking a swipe at him. This time, however, the claws seemed to skid off of him slightly; the pain deadened as his mind processed more of the Timberwolf’s attack. What is that? he wondered, galloping back to the other end of the arena, watching his life tick down. Could it be…

“Hey Minty Fresh!” Pinkie Pie’s head appeared over the ridge. “We found you something!”

“That’s not my name!” Wits End shouted back. “And whatever it is, toss it down here!”

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie disappeared for a second, her bells ringing as she flung the glinting metal into the arena.

The blade landed tip first, embedding itself in the ground just behind the Timberwolf. “Oh for the love of Celestia and her royal right buttock!” he swore, the pony part of him replacing key parts of the oath. “You couldn’t get it a little closer?”

“Be glad it didn’t hit you in the face, silly!” Pinkie shouted back as Fluttershy appeared over the ridge, holding the sword’s scabbard in her hooves. “You’ve got your sword, now kick its flank!”

“Be careful,” Fluttershy added.

Wits End looked at the sword, then at the Timberwolf. “Fine. I can take another hit. Total Defence!” The Timberwolf glanced back at the blade before focusing on the unicorn again. It reared back and growled, opening its maw to clamp down on Wits End’s soft body.

In the instant its fangs neared his body, the something that had been building in the back of his mind clicked. “Oaken Shield!” he shouted, the words coming unbidden and his horn glowing bright. Instantly, branches and brambles shot out of the space between them, forming a tightly knit wall. Surprise flashed in the Timberwolf’s eyes as its teeth latched onto a hard shell of interwoven thorns and vines instead of tasty pony meat.
“What’s the matter, doggy?” Wits End asked, motes of forest green sparking off from the pale purple aura around his horn. “Taste bad?” His name ticked up to the top of the list as the wolf stepped backward, the wall of thorns crumbling between them.

Wits End dashed behind the Timberwolf, sliding a few feet as he grabbed the sword’s hilt with his magic, yanking the tip out of the ground. “Alright, you third-rate monster,” he growled, the blade glowing with wisps of pale green mist. “Time to show you there’s no comparison between us!” He leapt into the air, briefly blocking the sun from reaching the wolf’s eyes before he dropped, the tip of his sword sinking deep into its bark. The green bar above the Timberwolf shrank, now only slightly longer than Wits End’s. A wide grin crossed his face; his fighting chance confirmed.

The Discord-alike voice echoed above him. “Invoke Fear effect,” it explained. “Animals and Magical Beasts have a chance of retreating when struck with this weapon.”

“Huh.” Wits End looked at the blade, the pale green mist drifting out of the wound like fog from a swamp. “A magic weapon? Where’d bandit’s get this?”

“Invoke Fear successful,” the Discord-alike voice continued. “Timberwolf has retreated from battle.”
Wits End blinked, feeling the wooden surface under him tense up. “Wait, what?”

An instant later, the Timberwolf lept into the air, the mint-colored unicorn clinging to the hilt of his sword with both hooves; his panicked screaming drowned out by the equally panicked barking of his unwilling mount.

“Um.” Fluttershy backed up slightly as the wolf landed next to her and Pinkie Pie, sending bandits scrambling in all directions. “What do we do now?”
Pinkie Pie hopped up the Timberwolf’s leg, grabbing onto its thigh. “Well, duh! We ride out of here! Giddy-up, Woodsworth!”

“Oh, uh, o-okay.” Fluttershy flew up to where Pinkie was, but just as she was about to grab on, the Timberwolf took another panicked leap, causing her to instead grasp onto its tail as it sailed out of the bandit camp’s valley. “Eeep!”

Author's Note

Author(s): Wits End

Chapter 1: Scrolls and Shenanigans

Author's Note

Primary Author(s): First 1/2 by Purple Heart, last 1/2 by Wits End

Chapter 1: Scrolls and Shenanigans

Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, frowned at the scroll that floated mere inches from her snout. The roll of paper hadn’t appeared in a puff of green smoke like messages or letters addressed to her usually appeared and Spike wasn’t in the general vicinity to sneeze one into existence. So it was suffice to say that Twilight Sparkle was suspicious of this particular scroll. Primarily because it was changing color every other second.

It could possibly be from Celestia, Twilight mused to herself. But… I’ve never seen a letter like this before. It could just be a prank… But I’ll never know if i just sit here.

Against her better judgment, Twilight opened the scroll and began to read:

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I am writing this letter to you as a sort of olive branch (Olive branch will be included in a later letter. Greece is so hard to get to from my house!).

Cakelestia has been bugging me about being a bit nicer to you and your friends especially since you don't have access to the elements anymore. (Honestly, it hurts a little bit. If I was going to do something I'd have already done it by now... probably. I've never been much of a long game person you know.)

Within this letter is the location I wish for us to meet to reconcile our friendship in the form of a ‘game’. (Specifics will be disclosed upon your arrival.)

I'm still not sure what we'll do but winging it has always been my specialty to be honest. And yes, I will provide the food and the drinks. As well as the cotton candy chocolate milk rainclouds. Anyway I hope to see you there.

Signed,

Q. Discordinton, Esq.

P.S. I have taken the liberty to send similar letters to the rest of your ‘charming’ group in an attempt to mend ties with them as well.

P.P.S. Please tell Cessy that I’m perfectly capable of writing a letter on my own, and I don’t need her to watch over my shoulder as I write this. I’m a big draconequus and I don’t need a babysitter. If you could include that in your next friendship letter or whatever, that would be muchly appreciated. :)

Twilight’s frown deepened as she read the letter. She believed Discord was truthful in his claim of Celestia’s urgings to pick on the Mane Six less after being parted from the Elements of Harmony. However, the Alicorn Princess wasn’t confident or certain about the method in which Discord planned to ‘mend ties’.

Twilight sighed and rolled the scroll up before placing it on her work table. Although she had misgivings about attending Discord’s little ‘get-together’, Celestia had been the one who made Discord write the letter in the first place. A small smile touched Twilight’s mouth as she magicked her window open and leapt into the sky, altering her course to fly in the direction of Discord’s meeting point.

At Discord’s Meeting Point...

“Hey, Twi!” Pinkie Pie squealed as the Alicorn Princess landed in the forest clearing that had been marked in her letter. “You got the letter too?” Twilight smiled as the pink Earth Pony cartwheeled around the clearing with reckless abandon.

“Yes, Pinkie,” Twilight replied. “I see you received one as well.”

“Oh, yeah,” Pinkie said, stilling wheeling around the clearing. “I was eating cake, like I usually do in the evening, but then this strange scroll floated in the window. So, I asked myself, ‘Pinkie, who would send a colorful floating scroll in the middle of the night?’ And I answered myself, ‘Well Pinkie, it must be somepony important.’ I skimmed the letter enough to read about a game and a place, so, here I am, waiting for everypony else to show up. Hey, can you keep count of how many cartwheels I’ve done?” Twilight was just about to politely decline her friend’s request when a bush rustled behind her. The purple pony turned to see Applejack and Rarity trotting through the dark foliage.

“I say,” Rarity declared. “What a dismal place for a meeting spot.”

“Ya’ll got that right,” Applejack agreed. “Knowin’ Discord, he’s probably got some weird plan in the works.”

“No kidding,” Rainbow Dash snorted as she landed beside the orange Earth Pony. “I still don’t trust him after that issue Tirek caused a while back.”

“I think it’s wonderful that he’s trying to reach out to make amends,” Fluttershy whispered.

“Wonderful or not,” Twilight said. “Discord isn’t here.”

“D’you think he’s just pullin’ our tails?” Applejack asked.

“Oh, my dear friends!” a jovial voice cried. The Mane Six all swung around to see Discord holding a sad mask over his face as he hovered several feet above the ground.

“I am wounded to discover your lack of trust in me,” Discord sobbed. The chaotic being flung himself against a tree and proceeded to bawl into a tree branch. Fluttershy flew over to Discord and laid a hoof on his shaking shoulder.

“No, no,” the cream-colored pegasus crooned. “We trust you.” Fluttershy glanced meaningfully at the other ponies. It took several seconds for the rest of them to understand Fluttershy’s look but when they did, there was a chorus of apologies and a great deal of coughing. Discord peeked through the crook of his elbow and leapt away from the tree.

“Well, seeing as you’ve all arrived,” he crowed, cracking his knuckles. “Let’s get down to business.” The Mane Six balked and looked at each other in confusion.

“Business?” Twilight asked. “What business?”

“Why, this business,” Discord elaborated, clapping his hands. Before the ponies could even begin to berate Discord, they had all been whisked away.

The Mane Six were speechless as they sped through the air at breakneck speed across an ocean none knew the name to. Sturdy bubbles of magic protected the group from the biting oceanic winds. After recovering from the initial shock, Twilight glared daggers at Discord, who was leading the group with leads of light.

“Is this one of your tricks?” she snapped. Discord looked over his shoulder and chuckled.

“My dear, Princess,” Discord said. “This is no trick, I assure you.”

“Well, we don’t believe you,” Applejack grunted. The other ponies voiced their agreement, except for Fluttershy who remained silent. Discord sighed.

“Very well,” he groaned, snapping his fingers. There was a bright flash and all the ponies found themselves on solid ground in the center of a circle of stones. A decrepit looking sign leaned against one of the larger rocks and read, ‘Discord’s Playground’ in thick bold letters. Twilight fumed with rage.

“Discord,” she growled. “Where in Equestria are we?” Discord looked around, as if puzzled.

“But,” he muttered, “didn’t you see the sign?” He pointed at the old board.

“Yes,” Twilight said. “I saw it. But why are we here?” Discord clapped his paw and claw together.

“Aha!” he crowed. “Because plot demands it. My plot, I mean.”

“What do you mean, ‘plot’?” Rarity sniffed.

“Weeeeeeeeeell,” Discord elongated the vowel. “There is a whole complex reason behind this, but explaining would take a great deal of time and to be honest, I’d talk myself to sleep. So, I shall be brief...or perhaps boxers if you prefer. What I’ve done is taken you to a place where we can have a little fun.”

“Fun?!” Pinkie cried. “Fun?! In what way is this FUN?!” Discord poofed and appeared beside Pinkie Pie to shove a cotton candy chocolate milk raincloud into her face before reappearing on top of one of the stones.

“Okay,” Discord declared. “Now that we have silence, I shall continue. And interruptions will not be tolerated.” He steepled his mismatched fingers in front of him, a paper tri-folded screen appearing before him. “It’s rather simple, really. You see, while I was back in the Canterlot gardens in that little statue, I remember seeing a group of young ponies playing a sort of game together. One where all those involved would take on the role of a great hero.” Rainbow Dash perked up at the mention of ‘hero’.

“What kind of hero?” the blue pegasus asked eagerly. Discord grinned. That’s the tompony and Fluttershy. Two down, four to go.

“Oh, I’m not sure,” the chaotic being sighed. “Being trapped in stone limited my ability to see what transpired clearly. I did see that they were having fun.” Pinkie Pie stopped chewing on her cotton candy chocolate milk raincloud and began to listen more intently.

Rarity scoffed. “No offence, but as beautiful as the Canterlot gardens are, I’ve no intention of ruining my perfect mane by running around in the dirt and grass.” As if to prove her point, she tossed her head slightly, sending a ripple through her violet mane.

“Oh, but my dear marshmallow-colored friend!” Discord appeared next to Rarity in a flash. “And here I thought you would love the delightful costumes I had in mind for all of you!” He snapped the fingers on his clawed hand, and six sets of themed clothing appeared in the air behind him; each on its own pony-shaped mannequin. “Now, the designs aren’t finalized, but I’m sure a pony as skilled as yourself could help an old curmudgeon like me out, no?”

Rarity looked over the clothes, a faint shine glimmering in her eyes. “Well, I suppose…”

“Excellent!” Discord spun away, snapping the costumes back into whatever nowhere they had come from. “There’s always time for that later.” This is easier than I expected, Discord thought with a hidden chuckle. That just leaves the princess and the Apple.

Twilight stepped forward, spreading her wings like a sort of shield. “While I’m completely behind the seven of us playing a game together, don’t you think it’s a little childish to just run around in costumes-” She was interrupted by Rarity’s half-insulted cough. “...As fashionable as they will, I think we’re a bit too old to play pretend like unruly foals.”

“My dear Princess Twilight!” Discord feigned shock and dismay, holding a paw over his heart. “Now, when could I have ever given you the idea that I would ever be unruly?” He put a finger over Twilight’s mouth before she could respond. “No, I think you’ll find I have rules a-plenty for this little game of mine.” He reached behind his back, producing a rather sizable tome; hardcover, with pages wrinkled by age and use.

Twilight’s previous posturing wilted as her eyes grew wide. “Is that… Is that a copy of Caverns and Cutie Marks First Edition?”

Discord’s grin grew wider. “None other than. I’ve had quite some time to study it in the time since I’ve reformed; with Fluttershy’s help, of course.” He spared a wink towards the yellow pegasus before twisting the hook on his catch further. “Naturally, I’ve memorized the lot, so if you wanted to take it home with you as a parting present once we’re through…”

Twilight wiped a thin trail of drool away from her mouth. “Gahh…”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Discord handed the tome over to the young Alicorn, who was suddenly surprised by just how heavy over 12,000 pages of text can be. With a soft chuckle, he turned to his last target: Applejack. Now this one will be difficult. I’ll have to use all of my whiles to get her to agree to-

“So,” Applejack said, “when’d we start?”

Discord blinked in surprise. “Beg pardon?”

Applejack jerked her head at the other ponies; each caught up in their own fantasies. “Ya’ll obviously already got that lot. Now, I still don’t trust ya as far as I can buck ya, but I doubt you wouldn’t do anythin’ that’d put ol’ Fluttershy in danger. So, when’d we start this hoo-haw?” Discord was speechless for a moment. Then he recovered from his surprise and cleared his throat.

“Hem, well, in that case...” He stroked his chin. “Right now I assume. That is, unless you six have other plans.” Discord eyed the Mane Six. The ponys shuffled their hooves and looked everywhere but at Discord. Fluttershy stepped forward and smiled gently.

“Let’s start now,” she said, placing a hoof on Discord’s arm. Discord returned the smile and snapped the fingers of his clawed hand. The outfits he had displayed before returned and drifted to hover before a specific pony.

“You each have been given pre-decided roles,” Discord explained. “By putting on your respective clothing, you will receive benefits and weaknesses specific to your role. Put simply, those with magic can use their magic, except on a very limited scale. The rest of you should be told about your roles in due course. Now, time to split you up.” The ponies froze.

“Wait,” Twilight said in puzzlement. “When did you decide when we were to be split up?”

“Oh, it wasn’t my decision,” Discord defended, raising his hands palms outward. “It’s a rule. Now, off you go.” Before anypony could cry out in rage or so much as lift a hoof, Discord clapped his hands. The ponies and their clothes winked out of existence as they were teleported to their respective starting points. Discord sighed and cracked his knuckles as he reclined on his stone.

“Three parties,” he mused. “With two members each who know each other very well… Rather small… I mean, the typical size for a party is three to five… Oho… Now that’s a thought… Alright, you’ve made your point. Let’s get three more saps to make this a little more interesting...”

Meanwhile… Elsewhere… Northwest…

BRE~!

BREEEEEE!

Clunk… Clunk… Clunk…

“Hey, careful,” a bespectacled person pointed out. “That beam supports the roof, you know.”

“I swear...” a short sitting figure muttered.

“Hehehe,” a tall, broad figure giggled, placing his free hand on a knee.. “What is that, the third double touch in a row?”

“I want you to know,” the short figure grumbled, “I hate you both.”

“What’s the score now?” the tall fencer asked, straightening to face the short figure as he gripped the handle of his weapon, his smirk hidden behind his mask.

The short figure leaned over to look at the screen; upside-down from his viewpoint. “We’re at three all.” He stabbed a finger toward the two fencers. “DON’T. DO THAT. AGAIN.”

“I’m working on it,” The one with glasses spoke stepping back onto the strip and reassuming his on-guard stance. The tall fencer chuckled behind his mask before turning back to face his bespectacled opponent.

“Indeed,” the tall fencer agreed, squaring up to settle into a relaxed posture.

The short figure sighed, sitting back in his chair. “Right.” He held out a hand, marking the mid-point between the two fencers. “Prêt?” The two fencers tensed, readying themselves for the coming clash. “Allez!” The two figures started moving swiftly towards each other. But they never met. A sudden flash of light filled the attic where the three were fencing and they disappeared.