When Applejack Helped Leonardo DiCaprio Win An Oscar
One week. One week to go until the Academy would announce their nominees for Best Actor, and Leonardo DiCaprio was ready. He knew that maybe, just maybe, he could get nominated again, and maybe, just maybe win. He has been nominated so many times before, but had never won.
He only shared this shame with Johnny Depp, but for some reason, the Internet ridiculed only poor Leonardo and avoided Johnny Depp. Leo always hated Johnny for this. He knew that he had connections in the Internet realm that somehow made the citizens of the Internet only shame Leonardo. Leonardo tried to manipulate the Internet too, but the Internet bigwigs were fully on Johnny Depp's side, for Johnny had offered them more money. Leonardo even tried to bribe the Academy's judges, but he failed miserably, and for this, he was shamed even more by the Academy, making his chances even worse. He even tried to hack into Sony threatening terrorism if they didn't take down The Interview, allowing him to superimpose himself into all the main roles, but sadly, North Korea was blamed which forced them to shoot a little toy rocket at America that they thought had nuclear power, but really just released smoke for a minute. All of Leo's attempts failed, so he had to do something drastic. Satanically drastic.
Leonardo DiCaprio stole some blood from a blood bank. O Positive to be exact. He went into his room, drew a pentagram on the floor, put candles on the points of the pentagram, did 6 jumping jacks, 6 push-ups, 6 sit-ups, turned all the non-candle lights in the room off, and chanted
"Dare me a bellus MINUSCULUS! Volo tropaeum! Stultum monstrum! Amisit ludum!"
Suddenly, a demon appeared from the pentagram and said
"Ugh. You again? You know you've gotta sacrifice something to get this, right? Equivalent exchange. Some chick in Japan wrote a whole manga about it. It was pretty good actually, but they got the whole concept of the Philoso-"
Leonardo DiCaprio cut the demon off.
"Yeah I know. You tell me about Fullmetal Alchemist EVERY time I summon you. So I went out and bought a copy of the first volume."
"Leo, I already own that, and it wouldn't cut it anyway."
"Let me finish next time, Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe. What if I told you this copy was a first issue edition?"
"Nope."
"What if I told you that it was signed by Hiromu Arakawa?"
"Johnny Depp sacrificed that to me last week."
"Of course! Johnny Depp always ruins EVERYTHING!"
"But hey, he's still in the same boat of always losing Oscars."
"Don't rub it in! It's a good thing I had a backup plan. I offer you box sets of all the Titanic movies!"
"Leo, you've gotta be kidding me. Have you EVER been to a Goodwill or a Savers or ANY secondhand store?"
"Why would I ever go to any of those?"
"Ugh. If you ever go to any of them, there will ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS be a Titanic box set. Always."
"Wow. I've gone so low that I'm the face of secondhand stores?"
"Yup."
"Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe, PLEASE, just give this to me. Since I've sacrificed like 30 years off my lifespan to you before, I'm not gonna be around much longer and I NEED to win an Oscar before I die!"
"Sorry, Leonardo, equivalent exchange can't be changed."
"Ugh. Fine. Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe, I offer you my soul."
"Your soul for the help of a cute pony? You're lucky that the pony I'm giving you is the manifestation of honesty itself."
Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe the demon sucked Leonardo DiCaprio's soul away and placed Applejack inside the room.
"Nice doing business with you, Leo," Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe said, "see ya later!"
Applejack appeared in Leonardo's secret satanic ritual room.
"Where am I?" AJ said.
"Listen," Leonardo replied, "I summoned the demon Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe to bring me adorable help in getting the most coveted award in all of the universe, the Oscar."
"How am I supposed to help some strange creature I've never seen before win a coveted award about who-knows-what in a universe I've never been to?"
"Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe sent you specifically, the manifestation of honesty itself, to help me."
"So I assume that this Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe wants me to be brutally honest in telling you how you screwed up. What's this award for anyway?"
"Best actor. I've been in so many movies and have been nominated so many times, but alas, I have never won this award."
"Well I guess I'm going to have to watch all yer' movies."
So Leonardo set up Applejack with a movie marathon. He gave her plenty of apples and cider. He also had his personal servants set up a special toilet for her since he didn't want pony pee on the beautiful white marble floor of his beautifully furnished penthouse in the most beautiful neighborhood of the beautiful area of Hollywood in the beautiful city of Los Angeles in the beautiful state of California in the beautiful country of the United States of America in the beautiful continent of North America in the beautiful western hemisphere in the beautiful planet Earth in the beautiful solar system in the beautiful Milky Way galaxy and so on and so forth.
It took multiple days, but Applejack was able to finish the marathon. She watched every movie from Critters 3 to The Wolf of Wall Street along with every episode of every TV show he had been in from The New Lassie to the one episode of Saturday Night Live that he was in. After the endless marathon, she slept for about a day, then got down to business with Leonardo.
Applejack woke up Leonardo DiCaprio with a bucket of cold water.
"What did you do that for, freaky pony?"
"My name is Applejack, and that's for having such awful movies! And making me watch ALL of them"
"What are you talking about? My movies are awesome!"
"Oh no they are not! Have you ever even watched The Beach? Don's Plum? The Man In The Iron Mask? If you deserve ANY awards, then you deserve awards for the WORST!"
"Actually...."
"What? Are there actually awards for the worst? Have you received any?"
"Um yes.... I've won a few Razzies in my career..."
"Ugh. You really are terrible. But luckily for you, I've managed to convince the Academy that you deserve a nomination, but there's a catch."
"What's the catch?"
"Some guy named Johnny Depp was already chosen for the nomination, so you're gonna have to beat him in mud wrestling to win the nomination."
"Mud wrestling? I can't do that! I'm too sophisticated and beautiful!"
"You sold your gosh darn soul to help you get an Oscar, but yer' not gonna get a little dirty? This is for the Oscar!"
"Gaaaah! Fine!"
Applejack and Leonardo DiCaprio had 2 days to train. He went down to his personal penthouse gym to begin his training. AJ and Leo had to take about an hour to de-clutter the place since he'd only been using the equipment to hang his extra suits on.
"Oh, Leo." AJ said
"Yeah?" AJ shoved a bar of soap in Leo's mouth.
"Yer' gonna have to keep this in yer' mouth fer the rest of the day. It should be enough to clean out yer' overuse of the f-bomb in The Wolf of Wall Street."
Leonardo groaned.
The training began. AJ spotted Leo as he lifted weights. She forced him to set his treadmill to the highest setting. She pretty much tortured him with an insane workout routine. The whole time she blared "Eye of the Tiger" and "The Final Countdown" on an endless loop as he trained. And as he slept.
He was only allowed to sleep for 4 hours, then get back to training. By the time the match had come, Leonardo had only had 6 out of his regular 16 hours of sleep for a two day period, but he was certainly buff. His had practically become a body builder because of AJ's rigorous training, and his teeth were white too since he had to keep that soap in his mouth the whole time.
The match had come. Applejack and Leonardo arrived at the mud pit behind a bar that the "sophisticated" Academy judges had set to be the location for the match. The Academy judges were there, dressed in suits and dresses, yet still holding foam fingers and hot dogs and neon signs. The opponent, Leonardo's arch rival, Johnny Depp, was there. He had been preparing too. His body was just as huge as Leo's. It was an even match. The two met in the pit, shook hands, and the ref (some guy in a striped shirt that they found off the street) rang the bell to begin the match.
Johnny struck first. He hit Leo over and over again with punches. He then kicked him in the stomach, knocking Leo down quickly. Johnny tried to kick Leo in the head, but Leo ducked and took Johnny down while his leg was still up. The sophisticated Academy judges cheered wildly as Leo tried to make a pin. 1. 2. Kickout. Johnny managed to crawl quickly out of the way before Leo could make another attack. Leo ran over to Johnny, but Johnny moved, making Leo miss. Johnny got up and bolted at Leo, taking him down. Johnny was on top of Leo, continuously striking Leo in the face. Leo had his hands in front of his face, trying to block Johnny's punches, but Leo decided to take a gamble and go for Johnny's face. It worked. Leo's fist connected with Johnny's jaw, knocking Johnny off of him. Leonardo got up and kicked Johnny multiple times. Leo made the stupid mistake of celebrating, allowing Johnny Depp to take a page from the book of the wrestling great Randy Orton by hitting an RKO on Leo out of nowhere. Leo was down. Johnny went for the pin. As Leo laid there, he looked at Applejack outside the pit. She
yelled
"Remember the Oscar! Remember!"
Leonardo was suddenly energized. He kicked out right before the ref counted to 3. He used all his strength and might to take down the 51 year old he was facing. He took him down to the ground and punched him and punched him and punched him some more. He picked him up off the ground and hit a powerful bodyslam into the mud. He went for the pin. 1. 2. 3. Leonardo DiCaprio beat Johnny Depp in the mud wrestling match to determine who would win the nomination for an Academy Award! And it was all thanks to Applejack.
Time passed and the Oscars came around.
"Alright, Leo," AJ said, "no matter what happens, yer' still a winner in my book."
AJ and Leo took their seats in the crowd next to Ron Paul and Eren Yeager. In the row in front of them sat every incarnation of the doctor, which explains why the parking lot had so many TARDISes. They also saw Light Yagami sitting in a secluded corner, probably killing people. Rick Astley finished his performance and the next award was to be announced. The special guest announcer for the award, Shrek, came onto the stage.
"Your nominees for best actor," Shrek said, "are Weird Al Yankovic, Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars, Alex From Target, and Leonardo DiCaprio."
Applejack and Leonardo DiCaprio were tense. In just a few moments, the one and only Shrek would either make or break Leonardo's dreams.
"And your winner is..."
The row of doctors started a "drumroll" patting their hands on their laps. Everyone in the crowd joined along.
"LEONARDO DICAPRIO!" Shrek yelled.
Confetti cannons went off. Fireworks blazed in glory in the sky. Everyone celebrated. Except Morgan Freeman, who stole the mic.
"EVERYONE! HIDE YO' KIDS! HIDE YO' WIFE! THE DARK PROPHECY HAS BEEN FULFILLED! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Suddenly, the crowd started speaking in languages long forsaken. Buildings across the world spontaneously erupted in flame. Skyscrapers collapsed. Terrible storms began and caused sharknados on every coast in the world. People were dying everywhere. Earthquakes struck every major city. Then the looting began. The buildings that weren't destroyed by the natural disasters were destroyed by looters, which didn't really make sense because the world was ending anyway.
Applejack stood in shock as the world around her fell into pieces. Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe showed up beside her.
"Well, AJ. You helped Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar, so your duty is done."
Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe took Applejack away. As soon as Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe and AJ were gone, the entire planet Earth exploded, killing everyone on it, including Leonardo DiCaprio. Making all that trouble for nothing.
Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe dropped Applejack in Ponyville. Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe left as Applejack walked to her barn. When she arrived, she saw everyony she loved there. Except they were all dressed in black. And it turned out to be her funeral.
"Although we could never find your body," Twilight said, "we know that you are in a better place."
"GUYS!" AJ said. "I'M RIGHT HERE!"
"APPLEJACK!" Twilight replied, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"
"I was summoned by Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe to help Leonardo DiCaprio win an Oscar."
"What?" Twilight said "YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR MONTHS!"
"Really? It hasn't felt that long." Applejack replied.
"Wait," Luna said, "did you say Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe?"
"Yeah," Applejack replied
"I always hated that guy."
Author's Note
But seriously, it's ridiculous how many Titanic box sets there are in second-hand stores.
Beyakamuzeyamukamakalonameistaranapupe
Pronounced as: Bey-ah-kuh-moo-zey-ah-moo-kah-mah-kah-loh-nah-mey-is-ta-ra-na-poo-pey
