The Revolution will be Ponified

by Dark Water

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, Lyra, Original Character
Length: 6237

Discord sends two warring armies to Equestria! Hilarity ensues. A crossover with March of War.

Equestria is a land of near constant peace. For Discord, peace is boring, so he decides to import a war from another world. A crossover with March of War

Published 2015-01-19 18:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-30 17:11:09 UTC

Discord was Bored

Author's Note

March of War is a turn-based strategy game about an alternate World War fought with Diesel-punk weapons. Learn more about the game and its universe here, http://marchofwar.wikia.com/wiki/March_of_War_Wiki. I will explain more about the universe in later chapters, and will also be responding to questions posted in the comments.

Discord was Bored

Discord was bored.
In the millennia since Celestia and Luna so rudely overthrew him, Equestria had been transformed into one the most peaceful realms in all the multiverse, sure there had been the occasional bright spot in the long stretch of tedium (whether or not he was directly responsible for said bright spot). But, for the most part, life in Equestria had been one long stretch of days filled with order ‘shudder’, and harmony ‘retch’. What Equestria really needed, was some conflict to spice things up, and nothing says “conflict” quite like war.

That was it! Discord would travel to a world filled with war, and bring that war to Equestria! But which world to visit, #40,000? No, that was so overdone. Besides, Slannesh needed to learn to let go, Discord was not the type for a long-term relationship. He decided to voyage to a lesser-traveled part of the multiverse. Looking through the portal, Discord began to find suitable subjects for transportation…

1947

Shogun-occupied Northern China

Great Wall fortification line

The fortifications that stood before Maxim Dragomirov, Chief Commissar of the Manchurian Expedition Corps of the Red Army, may have been ancient, but the Shoguns had reinforced it, expanded it, and upgraded it to the point where, according to their pompous windbag of an emperor, it was more than capable of standing up to any of the amazing weapons that the People’s factories have produced in the 50 years since the Great Patriotic War began. Today the Red Army would prove this so-called living god wrong. The twin 480mm cannons of the artillery walkers would shell the walls to dust as the large accompanying force of infantry, tanks, and even Sickle helicopters ran interference. Once the walls were no more, all remaining troops would push through the breech with the walkers targeting clumps of remaining Shogun forces. It was unsubtle, sure, but Soviets only knew one way to wage war, directly, and with maximum available force. “FORWARD COMRADES! IN THE NAME OF PROLETARIAN LIBERATION!!”, He shouted into his loudspeaker.

Hiroshi Tokugawa, Daimyo of the Great Wall Defense Corps, stood on top of the wall, watching the oncoming red tide. He knew that if the Soviets were to win here there would be nothing standing between them and Beijing, he had to hold the line here. Fortunately, he was Hiroshi Tokugawa, descendant of the great Ieyasu Tokugawa, the shogun who brought an end to the Age of Warring Clans! There was no way that these gaijin brutes were going to defeat him. The Artillery walkers were to be his main target. However, the Soviets also had deployed a large force to run interference for the cannons. He would need to keep them busy. “Archers, flame arrows on the large Soviet infantry clusters! Rockets, fire on the tanks! Shredder tanks, take down the Sickles! Type 60s, maneuver around the enemy flanks to target the Cannon walkers! Everyone else, move out from the wall and finish off any Soviets who survive the barrages from the wall! Fight with honor! The Sun Goddess is watching!”

From the Equestrian side of the portal, Discord flicked his tail and grinned smugly. These two armies were perfect! On one side, there was an army fighting to liberate the commoners from the upper classes, and on the other side, there was an army who worshiped a sun goddess! Not only would there be a battle between the humans, the ponies would also get involved! This could turn out to be the most fun Equestria has had since the time he briefly retook the throne! Slipping though the portal, the spirt of disharmony wasted no time. Snapping his top-left claw, he transported the Soviet force. Snapping his top-right claw, he transported the Shogun force. With his work complete, the god of chaos then went home to whip up an extra-large tub of popcorn and watch the conflict unfold.

Red Dawn Over Ponyville

Fluttershy suddenly awoke to a thunderous cacophony of rumbling, stomping, and shouting. “Eep!” she squeaked, clutching her bed sheets. However, when the ruckus outside calmed down as suddenly as it began, the yellow pegasus pony did likewise. It must have been merely some beast of the Everfree, perhaps a chimera guarding its territory. Looking out the window, she saw that Luna’s moon was still out, thus, she could get in a couple more hours of sleep before the animals had to have breakfast. Wiggling back down under covers, Fluttershy closed her eyes, and gently went back to sleep….

Maxim was, to put it lightly, bewildered. In one moment, he was leading the charge against the Shogun oppressors at the Great Wall, the next; there was no Great Wall, and no Shogun oppressors! Looking around, he saw that he and his army were in an open field bordering a vast, dark forest on one side and, much farther off, what appeared to be a town. In the middle distance on a third side, there was a tiny cottage. As for the Manchurian Expedition Corps, all the troops seemed to make it to wherever this place was intact. As for exactly where they made it to, he figured that whoever owned that cottage had to know. “I need a red soldier squad to volunteer to accompany me to the cottage.” There probably would not be any trouble, but it never hurt to have bodyguards. Maxim and red soldiers reached the cottage door. While the soldiers readied their PPsh-41 SMG’s, Maxim knocked.

Fluttershy, once again, awoke with a start. Someone was knocking on her door, rather loudly.
“Привет?! ЭТО КТО-НИБУДЬ ТАМ?!” something boomed from the other side of the door in a voice that sounded for all of Equestria like the gruffest, most masculine version of the Royal Canterlot Voice to ever exist.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeep!” Fluttershy squealed in a voice so high-pitched as to be nigh-inaudible. Clearly there was some kind of monster at her door. That monster might harm the animals behind her house! There was only one thing the Element of Kindness could do in this situation, and that was…

“ТЫ ПРОСНУЛСЯ?!!”

hide under her bed and hope that the thing outside would go away without noticing the animals out back.
“Well, I knocked and shouted greetings through my loudspeaker to make sure that anyone there was awake. I heard no response, so no one must be home.” Maxim explained to his soldiers. “We still need to know where we are, and, as this may be enemy territory full of hostile soldiers, I do not want to risk going into the town. We must search this cottage for clues!”

“Da Comrade! Preparing to breach!” one soldier replied, preparing to kick in the tiny door.

“Whoa Comrade! Didn’t you pay attention in training? ‘Lesson 204: Don’t kick down unlocked doors, it’s bad for PR.’"

“Aww, but I’ve been wanting to kick down a door ever since I listened to ‘NKVD: Kiev’ on the radio as a boy.”

“Tell you what; I’m going to try the door. If it is indeed locked, you may kick it down.”

“Yaaaaaaaaay!”

Maxim tried the door, it wasn’t locked.

“Awwwww.”

After ducking through the doorway, the five immediately noticed something. It seemed that whoever lived here was a stereotypical “crazy cat lady”, and also a crazy bird lady, and crazy rabbit lady, basically, an all-around crazy animal lover. How did they notice? Mainly they were swarmed by every animal in the cottage as soon as they opened the door. After about thirty seconds of trying to avoid stepping on the various cats, dogs, rabbits, and squirrels, the mass of fur and feathers made its way out the door and Maxim and his soldiers could search the place for clues.

Fluttershy’s morning was not off to a good start. First, she was rudely awoken by unknown creatures, and then woken up again by unknown creatures, and now, said unknown bipeds were in her house rummaging through her possessions! At least they didn’t break down the door, but now all the animals in her house had been scared out. She would have to go round them up. If only she could get out the door without those five primates seeing her. However, it may have already been too late; one of the creatures had entered her bedroom!

Boris had never seen a house quite like this. In addition to how low the celling was (He could barely stand at full height.) and all of the animals that lived here, he was sure he had never seen décor this feminine. Granted, he was born and raised in Soviet Russia, so he rarely saw any décor at all, but still, flowers and butterflies were everywhere. However, the strangest thing of all was that bed. It appeared to be shaking. There did not seem to be anyone occupying the bed, so why was it shaking? Boris yanked the covers off. No one was there. The bed seemed to be shaking even more. He peeked under the bed, and saw the source of the shaking.

There wasn’t enough light to make out the creature’s exact shape, but it was very yellow, with a large amount of pink framing the biggest, moistest, most pitiful eyes Boris had ever seen on any creature. Whatever this strange animal was, he was moved to pity it. “It’s all right. I’m not going to hurt you.” Boris said, reaching out his hand.

“AAAAAAAAiIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiihhhhhh!”

He then found out that this animal had a mouth, and vocal chords, and the ability to dash out of cottage in a fraction of a second.

From under the cloak of an invisibility spell, Discord watched the search, amused. This was already turning out to be one of the best ideas he ever had, and not so much as a single shot had even been fired yet! Speaking of shots fired, he supposed that, despite the fact that Fluttershy not being able to understand the humans was hilarious, it really would be better, for the long term, if the Equestrian proletariat could communicate with their liberators, and thus, join the cause. With a snap of a claw, Discord cast a universal translation spell on the Red Army. As for the Shogun army, he figured that Celestia had them covered. After all, it would be a shame if Her Royal Stuffiness couldn’t understand her new fan club…

Myth-taken Identity

Night Vision stood atop the castle tower overlooking the courtyard, on yet another perfectly normal night. Sure, there may have been a princess conference going on, but for him, it was just another night on the job, and that job was boring. Once the glamor of becoming a night pony, wearing the black armor, carrying the spear, and being in closer proximity to Princess Luna than your average pony wears off (as unbelievable as it may seem, the glamour does eventually wear off), his job consisted of standing on top of a tower, and staring at a city where most ponies were asleep. At least the Day Guards got to interact with pretty mares every once in a while! (Luna may be beautiful, but colt, talk about intimidating and unattainable!) Why did Equestria even need ponies like him? The official line was to defend the Princesses and the Principality against threats, but 9.99 nights out of 10, the biggest threat they had to deal with was a sweet-roll thief, and even on the 0.01 nights where Equestria had the likes of Discord, Chrysalis, or Tirek to deal with, the actual protecting was done by the Elements of Harmony, or the Princesses themselves. Why weren’t he and the other “guards” paying the Princesses to guard them?

Night Vision was getting depressed by such thoughts, so he turned his mind to his job, pointless as it was. The walkway to his left looked normal. The walkway to his right looked normal. The huge gathering of bipedal creatures and metal machines in that wasn’t in the courtyard a minute ago looked normal. The night sky overhead looked norm…

Wait WHAT was in the courtyard?!

Night Vision looked at the courtyard again. There was indeed an assembly of unknown creatures standing around in the castle courtyard. He had never seen their like before, in pony or on the creature identification chart he had studied in training. They were clearly sentient, judging by the clothes they wore and the machines some of them operated. One GIGANTIC machine looked somewhat like a metal ship without sails! What was even more alarming was that a number of these lifeforms were armed with what seemed to be blades similar to those used by diamond dogs. Aside from the bows a few of them carried, the gaurdspony couldn’t recognize any of the other devices the creatures carried, whatever those things were, three facts were clear: a large number of unknown lifeforms had just arrived in Equestria: they were armed: and they were practically on the Princesses’ front doorstep! Luna had to be warned! Night Vision took wing and sped into the palace. “YOUR HIGHNESS!! YOUR HIGHNESS!!” He cried, bursting into the throne room, only to find the throne unoccupied and Princess Celestia stepping in through the entrance to her bedchamber.

“Yes Night Vision, what is it?” the solar alicorn said in her usual regal, yet motherly manner.

Bowing deeply, face to the ground, the watchpony relayed what he saw. “mmm-mmmm-mmmph-mahanna!!”

“I’m sorry; I couldn’t quite make that out, could you please stand up?”

“Sorry, Your Highness.” Night Vision said, standing at attention. “I just saw a large group of sentient, bipedal primates in the courtyard. Many of them appear to be armed with bows and blades. Many more operate what appear to be highly advanced machines, a few of which I recognized as hot air balloons. We need to find out who these creatures are, what they are doing here, and how they got into your courtyard without anypony noticing until just now.”

“Indeed,” Celestia responded, “You have done well in reporting this. Go to the barracks and get some sleep. The Day Guard and I will look into this matter.” Night Vision bowed, yawned, and went on his way, glad for the rest but disappointed that the Day Guard would be hogging all the action.

“Day Guards to me!” The Princess of the Sun commanded. She may have been the most powerful magic being in the world, but even she could be killed by a well-placed blade or arrow (although actually landing the killing blow was much easier said than done). “A large group of sentient, lifeforms have been seen in the palace courtyard. We don’t know who they are, or where they came from, but we do know that they are highly technologically advanced, and that at least some of them are armed. Your orders are to accompany me as I raise the sun, afterwards, you will continue to accompany me as I have a chat with the group’s leader to determine whether or not their intentions are hostile.”

“Operator, do you see any hostiles from up there?” Hiroshi radioed the war balloon operator from the ground. Since being stranded here, the Emperor’s Army had been put on high alert. The castle that was before them looked European, and, as the European Alliance, the barbarous former masters of many Asian colonies rightfully belonging to the divine Emperor, were just as much the Empire’s enemy as the Soviets, a war balloon was currently being sent to scout the city for any European garrison.

“Negative, Daimyo,” the balloon operator replied, “There does not seem to be any European soldiers here, which is surprising, considering how wealthy this city seems to be.”

“Well done operator, report back for further orders.” Hiroshi responded. He was having very mixed feelings. One the one hand, he had, somehow, been teleported away from his post! The Soviets would surely overrun Beijing without his incredible tactical brilliance to defend it! On the other hand, he was in a rich, unguarded European city! If he could enrich the Shogun coffers with its bounty, the Empire’s war effort would surely be strengthened! He would be hailed as a hero alongside his glorious ancestor! “Warriors!” he shouted, “We have found ourselves in a highly unusual situation. Through means unknown, we have been transported to Europe. This city is full of treasure and if we can claim it for the Empire there will be wealth and glory for us all! We shall start with the castle in whose courtyard we find ourselves!” The Shogun soldiers were just about to charge the castle doors when, suddenly, those doors swung open, and revealed a sight that none of the soldiers could ever have been prepared for.

Stepping out of the castle keep, were ponies! A lot of ponies! A lot of ponies carrying spears! And wearing bronze-age Greek-style armor! Some of them had horns, others had wings, and in the center, was a large, white horse with a horn, a pair of wings, and a billowing, sparkling, multi-colored mane, that was wearing a tiara! Hiroshi had heard tales of genetically modified insect swarms and giant, orange-skinned, chainsaw-wielding monstrosities in South America, but he had never heard of the Europeans dabbling in such things. In addition, he could not think of any conceivable use for them on the battlefield, he guessed that the ponies could stab enemies with their spears, but that seemed like such a waste of bioengineering, and that wasn’t even taking the large one into account.

Suddenly, the large one’s horn began to glow. A beam shot out from the horn into the horizon behind the Shogun troops. When Hiroshi and the others looked at where the beam was pointing, the sun was coming up. Was this creature actually raising the sun? The large horse then took off into the air, flying towards the sun, followed by the winged ponies, which formed a screen under the horse as it flew. Once the horse got close to the sun it turned around, it seemed to be actually pulling the sun into the sky through the beam emitting from its horn. Once the sun was high in the sky, the majestic equine’s entire form glowed with unearthly energy, which then spread out from it, turning the formerly dark night sky into clear, blue day. As it, no, she landed in front of the Shogun army; Hiroshi realized that they were not in Europe, and that the being in front of them could only be the sun goddess herself, Amaterasu.

Celestia was quite surprised by the creatures in front of her. Judging from the open-mouthed looks of shock that she and her guards received from the primates upon stepping out in front of them, this was probably their first time in Equestria. She had hoped that by raising the sun in front of the new arrivals, they would be enlightened about the kind of power they were dealing with, and thus, would think twice about acting upon any hostile impulses they might have had towards her little ponies. Clearly, her tactic had worked as they were all, save for the darker-skinned ones with the white cloth wrappings atop their heads, now bowing low before her. Confident that the new lifeforms were going to cause Equestria no harm she asked, “Which one of you is the leader?” No response from the primates, they likely did not speak Equestrian. After casting a universal translation spell upon the assembly, she asked the question again.

“mmmm-mmmmmph mmmm-mmmph,” said the mostly bald one wearing black and grey robes.

Celestia sighed, “Please stand up and say that again.”

“A thousand pardons, glorious goddess,” said the robed one, “I am Hiroshi Tokugawa, daimyo of this, the Great Wall Defense Corps of the army of your glorious descendant the Dragon Emperor of the Shogun Empire.”

Roll Out the Red Carpet

Stepping out of the cottage and towards his army, Maxim overheard some of the soldiers observing that the sun had risen unusually quickly. Others claimed to have seen a yellow streak dashing out of the hut. The latter seemed to corroborate what he himself saw out of the corner of his eye while searching the kitchen. Ah well, it was most likely nothing important. The commissar turned on his loudspeaker, “COMRADES! “, he shouted. The troops all simultaneously stopped any vodka drinking, idle chit-chat, or staring into space that they were previously engaged in, snapping to attention facing their chief commissar. “FOR REASONS THAT ARE CURRENTLY UNKNOWN, WE SUDDENLY FIND OURSELVES IN AN UNKOWN LAND! WE HAVE SEARCHED THE COTTAGE AND FOUND NO CLUES AS TO WHERE WE ARE! OUR BEST BET IS THAT TOWN AHEAD! I NEED TWO SICKLE PILOTS TO GIVE THE TOWN A FLYOVER, FIND OUT IF THERE ARE ANY ENEMEY SOLDIERS THERE!”

Rainbow Dash’s morning had taken a strange turn.
It started out normally, after breakfast; she had called the Ponyville weather team together to tell them that today’s weather was to be the usual sunshine with mild cloud cover. On her way back home, however, she had noticed that everypony on the streets below were staring at the sky, mouths agape. She had put “morning power nap” before “fly around and be awesome” on her schedule for that day, but she figured that if ponies were going to stare at her in awe, she might as well indulge them a loop or two. Rainbow started a loop-de-loop when HOLY CRAP!

Rainbow suddenly aborted her loop into a leftward and downward hairpin turn to avoid a grisly fate at the whirling blades of the machine that had so rudely flown above her. It resembled Pinky’s gyrocopter, except it was bigger, and seemed to be made of metal. Whoever was flying that thing, they clearly needed to be taught some manners! Swiftly catching up to the monstrosity and perching upon it in front of the upper bubble-like window, she paused for a brief moment upon seeing the hairless face and bipedal form of the pilot. However, the need to educate this creature on the finer points of not shredding unsuspecting pegasi to bloody ribbons won out and she began to give this pilot a piece of her mind.

Mikhail’s morning had taken a strange turn.
That fact was especially strange considering how strangely Mikhail’s morning had started off. At first, it was an afternoon, and he was flying over a battlefield near the Great Wall of China, then he ended up near a forest before sunrise, and he certainly had no recollection of travelling that far! Furthermore, while the architecture of the houses combined with the presence of a purple castle in the village below would suggest that he and his wingman were flying over Europe, he did not remember so many brightly colored ponies, and so few people, in Europe. He would have suspected that some prankster had been tampering with his rations, but his gunner and his wingman had both confirmed what he himself saw, and were just as shocked as Mikhail was. The garnish on top of this weird borscht, however, had to be the flying, blue, rainbow-maned pony that was currently pounding on his cockpit and angrily berating him. He couldn’t understand what it was saying, thanks to the helicopter’s engine noise and the fact that he was wearing a headset over his ears, but he could tell that it was very angry with him. However, what was more important was the fact that this pony was blocking his view of where he was flying! “Get the hell off of my helicopter!” He shouted, sweeping his arms as far to the right as the cockpit would allow to drive home his point. Unfortunately, he bumped the control stick while making the motion, causing the sickle to veer off to side, right through a cloud formation that resembled a house! He was certain that he caught a glimpse of a yellow-green pony taking a shower! It was becoming increasingly clear that wherever this place was, it was no ordinary town, and now that he had shaken off that blue pony, he could report his findings to the commissar.

Rainbow was quite shocked at the nerve of that..that… monkey! First, he almost killed her, then he interrupted her rant, then he crashed that huge-flank gyrocopter of his into somepony’s house! That reckless flyer would have to be dealt with later though, her friend could be hurt! “Raindrops! Are you okay!” she shouted, flying through the hole and into Raindrops’ living room.

“Yeah, Rainbow, I’m fine.” Raindrops responded from upstairs, stoic as usual despite the outlandish situation she was in.

“You sure you don’t need any help?”

“I can get some ponies to repair the house.”

“Don’t worry, I’m gonna get the creature who did this!”

“Wait ‘till I’ve dried off. I need to buck that pervert through a wall.”

“The village is populated by WHAT?!” Maxim shouted. Under normal circumstances, a report like the one he just heard would have gotten the pilots thrown in a gulag for possession of drugs, this would then by followed by a purge of the Corps looking for the subversive counter-revolutionary agent responsible for distributing drugs to the Red Army. However, the sickle pilots showed none of the other signs of narcotic influence and he didn’t know if there was any gulag nearby to throw them into. More importantly, the pilots’ report didn’t seem to indicate the presence of a serious threat. If the most these “ponies” could do was give angry lectures then surely the mighty Red Army could march into their town unimpeded and, once there, find out exactly where they were and how they got there…

Bon-Bon’s morning started the way most of her mornings did, arguing with Lyra about humans.
“I’m telling you, Bon-Bon, humans used to rule this planet.”

“How could they do that, Lyra? From what you told me before, humans were not very strong, tough, or fast, and they couldn’t use magic. They couldn’t even control the weather! How could a species that, for lack of a better word, pathetic, ever become a dominant species?”

“I told you before, they used technology! They could build gadgets the likes of which nopony has ever seen.”

“You mean like the Flim-Flam brothers? Pffft, if that’s all they had going for them no wonder their all gone now.”

“HA! So you admit that they existed once!”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!”

And so on and so forth. Thankfully, the argument had died down by the time the pair reached their favorite bench. However, when two strange flying objects appeared over town, Lyra started up again.

“There can only be one species capable of building things like that...”

“Lyra, you don’t mean-”

“The prophecy has been fulfilled.”

“What are you talking about, what prophecy?!”

“The appointed time is upon us, follow me.”

Bon-Bon followed Lyra into their house, curious to see what Lyra’s sudden cryptic-ness could be about. The pair proceeded into Lyra’s bedroom.

“Now.” The mint-coated mare whispered huskily as she closed the door behind them.

“Lyra, what are you going to do?” Bon-Bon replied, her roommate’s behavior having just gained 5 points on the creepy scale (a scale which she was never exactly low on to begin with).

“Something I’ve wanted to do for a loooooong time my friend.” Lyra responded, her face inching ever closer to Bon-Bon’s. “Are you ready for me to rock your world?” she whispered, practically into Bon-Bon’s ear.

To Bon-Bon, this situation was now 22 out of 10 on the creepy scale. “Ummmmm. I think I had better open up shop before it gets too late in the morrrrrrrr” the chocolatier started to say, only for her jaw to drop in amazement as Lyra opened her closet door, revealing what looked to be a mirror, only blacker, and much more worn with age. There were more doohickeys on the ancient-looking contraption. She hadn’t seen their like before, but, judging from their broken-down appearance, she was certain they were just barely functional, if at all. Lyra pushed a button on the black mirror’s side and one more on one of the other gadgets. The mirror suddenly changed. What was once a fairly reflective surface, despite numerous scratches and even a few cracks, now displayed a moving pattern of black and white specks. It also produced a noise much like crashing waves on a beach, only louder and more uniform. The volume and suddenness of the noise spooked Bon-Bon, whose nerves were already frayed by all the other bits of strangeness that had occurred that morning. “Ahhhhhh!” she screamed as she stumbled backwards onto Lyra’s bed.

“It’s alright Bon-Bon, for such is the price humanity extracts for the privilege of hearing its message!”

The noise continued for some time before a new image appeared on the black mirror. A strange, ape-like creature, wearing sunglasses and a black leather jacket (among other things) appeared on the mirror, “I’ll be back” he said in a deep voiced Germaneian-sounding accent. The mirror then returned to displaying the black and white specks and producing that unalicornly noise. Thankfully, Lyra pushed some buttons and the mirror went back to displaying the black reflection.

“Now that the humans are back, we must be ready to receive their ancient wisdom!” Lyra said. Bon-Bon was in a speechless daze as her friend led her out the door.

Maxim was in a speechless daze. There were ponies, ponies everywhere and not a human to be seen, and these were not just any ponies either, but large-eyed, pastel-colored ponies, some even had horns or were flying with wings! It was all pretty much exactly as the sickle pilots had described, which allayed the commissar’s fears of the Red Army being corrupted by narcotics. There was only one rational explanation for this, bioengineering! But, who would be crazy enough to even attempt genetic engineering of this nature? The way these ponies and this town looked, whoever did this wasn’t attempting to create the same kinds of monsters that were the new terrors of the South American jungles, but rather, to bring a set of little girl’s toys to life. Maxim was pondering that very question when he tripped on something. When he looked back at the obstacle, he saw a mint-green pony with a white mane and tail, accompanied by a white pony with a purple mane and tail. “Hail, human!” said the green one, bowing to Maxim as the white one followed suit. “Teach us your wisdom!”

Of Dogs and Diamyos

Hiroshi tried to maintain a professional exterior as Amaterasu led him and his army into the palace, but on the inside, he was as giddy as a schoolboy on his first date. Here he was, in heaven, among the gods! The reason the gods took the form of ponies was beyond him, but who was he to question the aesthetic choices of his betters? “O glorious one, what is your will?”

“Right now my will is breakfast, follow me, if you will, and we will have a nice chat over our meal.”

Breakfast with the gods! Hiroshi could not wait to tell his big-shot cousin currently leading the invasion of Hawaii!

Breakfast with the gods turned out to be mainly grass and flowers. The gods were really taking this pony thing seriously. A plate of grass was set in front of him *gulp*. Hiroshi had a choice to make, choke down the weeds in front of him, or dishonor the gods by refusing their generosity. Down the hatch went the grass…

Generalissimo Crossbones awoke to the sharp, loud ringing of his alarm clock. Shooting up with a start, he flailed his paws around in an attempt to shut the accursed auditory torture device off. However, just when he was about to hit the off switch, the clock jumped over his head and onto the chest of one of his panicked wives, not quite wakeful enough to think beyond “Must. Stop. Ringing. NOW!!!!” he pounced, and he missed. Well, he missed the clock anyway. As for the female… Well, let’s just say she had a new reason to panic. The still-ringing clock landed atop the Generalissimo’s head. His wife gave switching off the clock the best shot she could, but only succeeded in giving Crossbones a lump on the head. Enraged, Crossbones leaped up and was about to slap her.

“WHOA WHOA WHOA!!” said a voice coming from a clock-ish direction. “There’s no need for domestic violence!”

Discord’s head burst out of the clock’s face, followed by the rest of his serpentine form. “Time to get some of those sweet, sweet foreign aid bits!”

“Did you have to wake me up this early?”

“Don’t you know dictators line up clear around the block for that stuff? You’ve gotta beat the rush!”

"Yeah, I remember the last time, I stood in line for 4 hours, and the griffon behind me just would NOT. SHUT. UP!"

Crossbones put on his jacket, studded with so many shiny medals (most of which he awarded to himself) that it was impossible to tell what color the jacket originally was, and his black beret. “Wait a buck Discord. Why are you helping me?”

“Oh Crossy, Crossy, Crossy, didn’t anyone ever tell you to never look a gift draconequus in the mouth?”
With a snap of his claw, Discord teleported the diamond dog dictator to Canterlot before he could say something smart-flanked, and chuckled as he watched the Generalissimo’s wife faint, unable to take any more weirdness this early in the morning.

Well, this is awkward, Celestia thought.

In her defense, if Celestia had been given a little advance warning, she would have had her chiefs prepare a more varied meal. As it was, watching the primates make brave attempts at eating Equestrian cuisine was certainly awkward (although she found it perversely entertaining, in spite of herself). Nevertheless, she had to get down to business. “Welcome to –“

“Your Highness! Generalissimo Crossbones is at the gates!”

Oh buck…

Crossbones, having shaken off the suddenness of his arrival at Celestia’s palace, confidently strode into the throne room “Your most kind Majesty; my pack thanks you profusely for your last gift. Alas, bits don’t last forever, and my pack once again needs your generosity.”

“’Your pack?’ Since when did you give two bucks about your pack? We both know that most of the foreign aid I send you goes directly into your Dragon bank account, and the rest goes to lavish feasts for you and your cronies while the pack you pretend to care about starves. No more foreign aid for you! Now leave my presence before you make me physically ill!”

…is what Celestia would have liked to say. Sadly, political realities dictated otherwise. General Crossbones, foul fellow though he was, was the strongest Diamond Dog alpha in Equestria that was not an ally of the Zavros Republic, which was known to support the violent overthrow of all monarchies everywhere, with Equestria being at the top of their hit list. She also knew that Crossbones’ loyalty depended entirely on the size of Equestria’s foreign aid payments relative to Zarvos’.

“Of course General, we will send the money on the next airship to your lands,” is what Celestia actually said, maintaining a veneer of regal calm practiced over centuries of experience (and summoning all her willpower to not paint the throne room with her breakfast).
“I believe I speak for my entire pack when I say that I am eternally grateful for your generosity. We will not forget your kindness.”
Crossbones said in his sweetest, most honeyed tone. He then left the palace, allowing Celestia to remove the emotional mask as she walked back to the dining hall. “Why can’t I be free of that dog?” she scowled to herself.

Upon overhearing Amaterasu’s utterance, Hiroshi saw an opportunity. The Supreme Kami clearly wanted this demon to die. Here was his chance to serve the sun goddess and win eternal glory!

Crossbones snickered to himself as he walked to the Canterlot Airdock. It was good to be allied to a society where kindness and generosity are two of the core principles. He didn’t practice them himself, but it was so easy to exploit those virtues for his own gain!

“ON YOUR KNEES DEMON!” Hiroshi shouted.

The canine demon turned around to face Hiroshi and the two Manchurian soldiers he had brought with him. “No one orders Generalissimo Crossbones on his knees! Least of all ugly, hairless monkeys I’ve never even seen before!”

“Shoot the knees.” Hiroshi ordered one of the Manchurians. Two three-round bursts later, the demon dropped to the cobblestone. The last words of Generalissimo Crossbones were undignified whimpers of pain before the Daimyo’s katana removed his bowed head.

A satisfied god of chaos invisibly watched the entire execution unfold. It all went according to plan. Soon Celestia would be compelled to play along with the whole sun goddess thing, the better to make the errant children listen to teacher. Oh yes, Her Royal Sanctimoniousness never could resist a reform case…