EAT GLASS YOU CAPITALIST TRASH
It was a gorgeous day in Equestria. The sky had opened up with not too many clouds, and a softly ebbing amount of sunlight. The butterflies were flapping gently across the rooftops, carried by the gentle wind’s breeze. However, the gentle serenity of the morn was shattered when a sudden violent blitz erupted in the downtown shopping district.
Brilliant white hot magic streaked across the sky, erupting from the top of Sugar Cube Corner, shattering the support beams, bits of the wooden cupcakes crashing down on the inside. Everypony in town stood and watched the calamity, jaws agape at the brutal carnage. Mr. Cake and his family were being ushered into an ER carriage, as a stray shard of glass has lodged its way into the yellow stallion’s eyeball, and the others had been stayed with splinters and food shrapnel.
Twilight ran her way into the metaphorical inferno, panting and gasping as she shoved past other ponies to get to the epicenter of the situation. She looked with a growing dread at he busted up bakery, her purple eyes filling to the brim with tears as she worried what would happen to the wonderful establishment she had come to know and love. But, the newly coronated royal knew that there was a time for tears, and it wasn't right now. “What did I miss?” she asked Mayor Mare, who was now fearfully hiding behind her secretary.
“OH, IT’S JUST TERRIBLE!” she cried, tears streaming down her face. “THEY HAVEN’T STOPPED, NO MATTER WHAT WE'VE TRIED TO DO! IT'S BEEN THREE HOURS! THREE HOURS! THINK OF THE CHILDREN! PRINCESS, YOU MUST HELP US!”
Twilight chuckled heroically, and mentally put her gameface on. “Just leave it to me,” the alicorn princess said, unfolding her wings and diving into the collapsing bakery. She dodged past once-flung cakes and scones with ease, chair and tables with a breeze, and walls with not so much grace, but she tried her hardest, and that's what matters, right? She finally flew up to where the cataclysm had initiated, and where the rabble seemed to be going down. The attic, or more importantly, Pinkie Pie’s room. The sight she saw was almost unbelievable.
Pinkie Pie and Rarity were in the midst of a tense battle, with the pink pony standing atop her bookshelf, and Rarity on the floor! Flinging insults and assorted objects appeared to be most of what their battle contained, with a few more of Rarity’s magic blasts scattered within. Such language that they spewed could not have been said again on the family-friendly show that these characters had originated from, and it rang through the ears of everypony onlooking in the courtyard, thanks to the new hole in the roof. Twilight simply gazed on, utterly flabbergasted- and somewhat confused - at the sight.
“Twilight, dear!” called Rarity, as she looked away from Pinkie for a second “Be a dear and leave us to battle, so you won’t have to see me utterly annihilate this heathen!” This distraction was all Pinkie needed to fling herself off the top of the bookshelf and pile drive into Rarity, knocking the wind (and a few teeth) clean out of her. They wrested on the floor a bit, biting and kicking each other, until Twilight finally tore them off each other with a powerful magic tug.
“Alright, what in the world has gotten into you two?” she screamed, standing over the two like some sort of disappointed mother. “I would have expected this sort of horseplay from Rainbow Dash, or maybe Applejack, but not you girls! Somepony explain to me the reason why you’re both recklessly endangering the lives of every single civilian in this town, and it had better be good!”
Pinkie pouted and huffed loudly. “Well, gee, Twily! Maybe we wouldn't be doing that if SOMEpony knew when to bite her tongue and accept that I’M right! Hmph, and to think some ponies call me unreasonably silly.” She then blew a huge raspberry at the white unicorn.
Rarity sneered and yelled back, “Oh, really? As if! You wouldn't know the truth fit it bit you in your big fat pink patootie, you ferus!”
Twilight gasped in shock. “Rarity, there’s no need to use such hateful slurs! Now, let’s all try to relax, and think about how to heal our friendship.”
“Well, if you gotta know, we just wanted to know who would win in a fight,” Pinkie said. “The fight being between Jack-In-The-Boxes versus Nutcracker dolls! And, just so you know, Jack-In-The-Boxes would totally win!”
Rarity scoffed. “There you go again. How would they even fight? They can't even move!”
“Simple! They have the element of surprise! They sit, and wait, and then strike when you don’t know they’ll hit ya!” She lunged at Rarity’s face for dramatic effect.
“Wait,” Twilight said. “Are the nutcrackers armed?”
“Pfft! Duh, Twilight. But their guns are fakey-fake plastic! And Rarity's hair looks dumb right now! So, I win!” Pinkie cheered.
Twilight wondered about this for a moment or two, and then she stated, "If we're going to look at this from an academic standpoint, it'd be a draw, then. If the nutcrackers can't fire, the jacks wouldn't feel threatened, and this whole battle could be avoided!"
The unicorn and pony thought about this for a second, and then nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right." said Rarity. "What a silly thing to get all caught up over with!"
The trio of friends all laughed, glad that they had solved their little predicament, and that their friendship was whole and safe for another day, at least until their next escapade.
Also FUCK Mr. Cake and his eyeball. Fuck them right in the... horse ass? Horse asshole? What's the proper scientific term for a horse's anus? Do eyeballs have horse anuses? Maybe in the horse urethra? But, uh, his wife and kids are alright.
Author's Note
first story more like worst story