The Pie

by Matthew Penn

Rating: everyone
Tags: Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Human
Length: 1468

How can Filthy Rich make Diamond Tiara eat her spinach without forcing it on her?

It's the universal truth that children do not like vegetables, including spinach. Diamond Tiara is no exception. When she refuse to eat it during Sunday dinner, Filthy Rich and his butler Jeeves come up with a plan to make her eat it... whether she knows it or not.

Published 2014-12-31 21:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-31 21:50:02 UTC

The Pie

Filthy Rich had his maid call his daughter down for dinner five minutes ago, yet there was no sign of her. He began to regret giving her that new expensive cell phone for her birthday. He impatiently tapped his hand on the table, taking drinks from his glass of milk only to have his butler refill it. After an additional seven minutes of waiting he heard footsteps running down the stairs. Diamond Tiara pulled the chair out and joined her father for the evening meal.

“Hello daddy,” she said with the sweetest smile she could put on.

“You’ve been called for dinner twelve minutes ago,” Rich said. “What on earth had taken you so long?”

“Sorry daddy, but I was texting Silver Spoon about some stuff. Guess I lost track of time.”

Filthy gave an inaudible huff under his breath. “You kids and your texting. I believe you’re spending too much time on that thing, Tiara. Sometimes you have to put down your phone and do other constructive things - like climbing a tree, or flying a kite, maybe read a book.”

“Silly daddy, nobody does those things anymore,” Tiara said, giggling.

“... I’m not silly,” Rich mumbled.

“So what are we having for dinner?”

Jeeves the Butler entered the dining room with his head high while holding two silver plates with his hands. “Dinner is served,” he said. Filthy Rich eagerly prepared his knife and fork. Once the dinner plate had reached Diamond Tiara, however, she stuck out her tongue at the revolting sight before her.

“Eww! What is this?”

“That is called spinach, Tiara. It’s good for you,” Rich responded.

Why would her father ever have the idea to feed her this, she thought. Tiara took her fork, and scooped some the so-called “spinach” and inspected it. She placed the fork down after her nose rejected the smell. “Blech! It smells awful! There is no way I’m eating this junk!”

“Now don’t be rude, Diamond Tiara, Jeeves worked very hard on this,” Rich said. “The least you can do is eat some of it. Besides, don’t you want to be big and strong like Popeye the Sailor?”

“No offense daddy, but that cartoon is sooo one hundred years ago.”

“It’s not that old. I watched it all the time when I was your age.”

“Which was like, what, a hundred years ago?”

“For the love of all that is good, please eat your spinach,” Rich said placing his palm on his face. Just looking at the pile of green slop almost made Tiara lose her lunch. The smell was even worse, like her father was serving a dead rodent that was cooked. She lifted her fork, grabbed some of the spinach and paced herself. Her stuck her tongue out until the tip touched the spinach. A second of consideration later, she pushed the plate away from her.

“I can’t do this,” Tiara said. She pushed her chair back and excused herself from the table. “I’m just going to order a pizza or something.”

Filthy Rich glared at the empty seat that her daughter had occupied. Trying to get Tiara to eat spinach was a never-ending battle, in which he was always defeated. Maybe he’s trying too hard. Many times before he searched for different approaches, some less intimidating, but what would that do?

Jeeves emerged from the other room and picked up the uneaten plate of spinach. “Don’t worry sir, I’ll donate this to a hungry stray dog,” he said. “There is no need to waste good spinach.”

“No matter what I do, Tiara will not eat what’s in front of her,” Rich said. He put the glass of milk to his lips and wiped the milkstache from his mouth.

“It is to be expected from children, sir. To them, vegetables are equivalent to the Plague, especially spinach.”

“And she had the nerve to say that Popeye was boring,” he grumbled. “I’ll tell you Jeeves - in all my years I’ve never heard such a ridiculous statement like that. Let it be known that from now on, nobody says anything bad about Popeye in this house!”

“Duly noted, sir. Your appreciation of golden age animation knows no bounds,” Jeeves said.

“Good. Still, Tiara must learn to eat her spinach. If I can’t make her do that, then who knows what will happen? She’ll probably eat pizza for breakfast, pancakes for lunch, and ice cream for dinner!”

“I wouldn’t go as far to say that she will disrupt the natural order of the universe,” Jeeves said. He stroked his white mustache, deep in thought. Then, “However, there are ways to make her eat.”

“Ways? What ways?”

"Have you ever heard of the Trojan Horse, sir?"

****

After a week of enduring Miss Cheerilee’s boring lectures and tormenting the Cutie Mark Crusaders, the weekend was finally here, and Diamond Tiara could sit back and relax while texting Silver Spoon on her cell phone in the comfort of her bedroom. Why they couldn’t just spend time with each other outside, nobody will ever know. Her thumbs moved across the keypad at speed not matched by her wits, her eyes focused on nothing but the screen. She texted to her best friend all morning and afternoon, misspelling words and overusing hashtags.

Tiara: wat u doin?

Silver: chillin like a villin.

Tiara: lol u so funny :D

Silver: did ur dad make u eat spinitch agan?

Tiara: not since sunday #spinachisgross

Silver: i know rite? im having pizza! :) #pizzaisawesome

Tiara: i had pizza ten times this week! #cantgetenoughpizza

Silver: peeple say pizza is not healthy, but it has all the food groups and stuff!

Tiara: we shold have a pizza party! the blank flanks can come to! jk lol #blankflanksnotallowed

Silver: ROFL XD WIN!

It went on like that. All day long.

Fortunately a knock on her door disrupted Tiara from her texting. “Tiara, it’s me, your father,” Filthy Rich said from the other side. Without looking away from her phone Tiara climbed out of her bed and to let her father in. She texted with one hand as she reached for the knob with the other, but her aim wasn’t perfect. After finally having a grasp on the knob, she twisted it and pulled the door open. Rich thought he had entered a dark cave than a little girl’s room. “Let’s have some light, shall we?” He walked to the window and open the shutters. The exposure of the light caused Tiara to hiss like a vampire and cover her eyes.

“Well Tiara, it had a occurred to me that you had a very busy week,” he said. “So, since it’s Saturday I have a little surprise for you.”

“Are we going to Happy Crazy Wild Place?”

“Uh, no. But I have Jeeves bake you a delicious pie.” With a snap of his fingers Jeeves entered the room holding a freshly baked pie in his hands.

“Wow! A pie? All for me?”

“You’re correct.”

“What flavor is it?”

“Oh, I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you,” Rich said. “Just take it and find out for yourself.”

Jeeves handed Diamond Tiara the pie, along with a fork to eat it with. She gave a questioning glance to the two of them, but just for a brief moment. She wouldn’t say no to anything that was free, especially if it was pie. It even smelled delicious. She pierced the top of the pie with her fork, ready to enjoy the sweet taste of whatever flavor it was. Tiara took the fork full of pie into her mouth, chewing, then swallowing it.

“... Hey,” she said. “This pie taste… really good!”

Rich and Jeeves smiled and watched as Tiara consumed the pie with childlike delight. Ten minutes later, much of the pie was gone, and her mouth was covered with crumbs. Jeeves produced a napkin from his suit to wipe her mouth clean.

“Did you enjoy the pie?” Rich asked.

“Oh yes! Thank you, Daddy!”

“You should thank Jeeves. He was the one who made it.”

“Oh. Thank you, Jeeves.”

“My pleasure, madame,” he said. “Anything for the daughter of Filthy Rich.”

Jeeves grabbed the half-eaten pie from Tiara, and he and Rich were about to exit the room until she spoke up. “Wait! You didn’t tell what flavor it was! I might want it again!”

“I don’t know,” Rich said. “It a secret recipe from Jeeve’s family back in England.”

“Come on, please?”

“It’s quite all right, sir,” Jeeves said. “It’s not much of a secret anymore.” He cleared his throat, Tiara eagerly waiting to hear what he had to say. Filthy Rich, trying to keep his laughter to himself, couldn’t wait to see the look on her daughter’s face when she discovers the main ingredient.