The Convoluted Scientific Guide to Equestria and the Universe

"The introduction is the most important part of any essay or literary work."

—A certain percentage of Equish teachers

By the time you finish reading this paragraph, more than eighty percent of you will be permanently deaf. How was that for an intro? Got the blood flowing, didn't it? Feel the adrenaline? If not, you're probably rereading this, so I hope you'll be able to understand this book better the second time. Or third. Or fourth. No promises.

If you were surprised, congratulations! As a first time reader, you can enjoy the wonders of the knowledge and wisdom I am about to impart into your thick skull (or exoskeleton if you're a changeling) for the first time! This means many great surprises await you, as well as the possibility of being able to fathom every last bit of what I am about to tell you (actually write, but you know what I mean. Probably). If you do fathom, you can gloat to others who have read this book. If you didn't, don't fret! Rereading this book may be tedious, but I totally assure you it is worth it, just make sure to drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration.

Now then, let's start off with the basics. Hello, intrepid reader! My name is Lyra Heartstrings, PhD times eleven. Yes, you read that right. Eleven doctorates, because I can. I am officially, legally, and professionally recognized as an expert in the fields of forensics, psychology, physics, macroeconomics, cryptology (I love me a mean puzzle), cryptozoology (like a zookeeper, but cooler), inorganic chemistry (dead things that react with each other), equinology, history, music, and magic (because all unicorns have to learn it).

That last sentence was so long, I'm just going to start a new paragraph so it doesn't look too cluttered. Anyways, I wrote this book after I realized that the education system in Equestria is atrocious. After taking a look at a certain pink and purple teacher's curriculum, I noticed large discrepancies with what is taught in public schools compared to what is taught in prestigious universities. That's why I'm writing this  book. The vast majority of Equestrians are incredibly ignorant of the basic workings of the universe, and cannot name some of the most famous ponies that were essential to our history.

For buck's sake, less than 5% of the population (according to a survey of 5000 random adults in 998 ACE) know Princess Celestia's full name! Go on. What is it? You don't know, do you? It's Celestia Solaris Novum, High Princess and Diarch of the Princessdom of Equestria and its protectorates. Seriously, you should at least know her last name. Celestia Novum isn't that hard, much least Celestia Solaris Novum. She's been the ruler of this country for millennia, and most ponies can't name more than one or two decrees she has made. Hay, you didn't even know her full name until I told you last paragraph!

But fret not, simple minded ignoramuses! I will guide you out of the dark forest of low level education with my Lantern of Knowledge™! This book is merely the first step. Within these pages I have written  enough on the topics of science and history that merely reading this might raise your IQ (Intelligence Quotient, in case you're wondering) by seventeen points! Yes, I did just make up that number! Hopefully you foals out there reading this (assuming the PTA hasn't banned this book in schools) will understand. If you don't understand, and I call you a dummy, I'm sorry, and I don't mean it to you. I'm just calling your parents dummies.

Of course, as with all science, there are those out there unwilling to understand. This book will challenge certain "beliefs". For example, I will explain why Celestia could not have created the universe and everypony in it several millennia ago. I will also explain that the world is billions of years old, that science and magic can coexist together, and neither is "better" than the other. Also, I will explain how every single species in Equestria is seriously messed up in several ways, and that we're all related through an intricate and convoluted web of ancestry and increasingly disturbing dalliances.

Some may call me a conspiracy theorist, but those who do are clearly using faulty information. I have a bachelor's degree in applied conspiracy, thank you very much. Princess Twilight Sparkle is the mare with the degree in conspiracy theory, not me. You want a whack job hypothesis? Go ask her.

Further basics include my terminology: The sun, aka Celestia's sun, is not its real name. The ancient Romanians referred to their sun god as Sol (two separate entities: Indigos and Invictus), and ancient Horse mythology referred to it as Sól or Sunna. Neither of which were the first, and frankly, just made it more confusing. No, as long as I am your teacher, dear reader, we shall refer to that nuclear powered orb of light by its first name: Alpha Centauri A.

The first civilization, as well as the first sentient species were the Centaurs, and this was the name they gave our floaty light thing. While some scholars say that calling the moon "Beta Centauri" is accurate, that is false. That is actually a mistranslation of works from ancient Fleece, where the letter B is equated to Beta. No, the actual name of the moon, as said by the ancient Centaur civilization, was Alpha Centauri B.

The names have changed many times, as well as many new ones created by the Zebras, Griffons, Donkeys, and Buffalo, but Alpha Centauri A and B have preceded all others by over 1000 years. So yeah, tough luck. Our planet will generally be referred to as Centauri, as the Centaurs never had a single name for our planet (some historians mistakenly attribute the name of our planet as called by the Centaurs as "Delta Centauri", which makes even less sense, as they skipped over Gamma.)

Other than that, I'll keep things simple. Anyways, welcome to my book! May your ignorance melt away!

Pfft, Twilight thinks I don't know how to read invisible writing. With the quality of ink she's using, it's practically raised print.