The Convoluted Scientific Guide to Equestria and the Universe

by Inthretis

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 6425

As Written by Lyra Heartstrings, PhD

On the front cover flap:
Come one, come all, true scientists, as I, Lyra Heartstrings, PhD times eleven, regale your equine minds with the true story of Equestria, not taught in schools! This guide will teach you the history and inner workings of our reality, written in an easy 6th-grade level format!

On the back cover:
Lyra Heartstrings, PhD is a renowned scientist and historian. Born in 974 AC, at the age of 21, she had garnered more doctorates than any other pony since the founding of Equestria. (At least until Twilight Sparkle).

She has degrees in economics, psychology, forensic equinology, cryptology, physics, arcane magicks, astronomy, chemistry, musical studies, cryptozoology, and history. (Shut up! I can stop whenever I want!)

This is her first book.

From the Critics:
"Well. That was something." —Hawk King

"So this is Equestria's greatest mind off of her medication. Huh." —Grass Tyson

"This… This was written for kids, right?" —Bill Neigh

"Um, smart book?" —Manehattan Times

"Eh, the paper's a bit dry, but otherwise a good meal" —Discord, Lord of Chaos

«Le livre est intéressant, mais les nuances des sociétés Griffons sont un peu simplifiée» —Écrit Griffe Mathieu, Le Monde Scientifique

"I cannot believe Bon Bon talked me into writing the foreword for this." —Princess Twilight Sparkle, PhD

Warning: This fanfic contains high levels of arrogant smart ponies, science, ridiculous headcanon, fanon, pseudo-intellectuals, and magic-science.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-06 15:37:14 UTC

Introduction

"The introduction is the most important part of any essay or literary work."

—A certain percentage of Equish teachers

By the time you finish reading this paragraph, more than eighty percent of you will be permanently deaf. How was that for an intro? Got the blood flowing, didn't it? Feel the adrenaline? If not, you're probably rereading this, so I hope you'll be able to understand this book better the second time. Or third. Or fourth. No promises.

If you were surprised, congratulations! As a first time reader, you can enjoy the wonders of the knowledge and wisdom I am about to impart into your thick skull (or exoskeleton if you're a changeling) for the first time! This means many great surprises await you, as well as the possibility of being able to fathom every last bit of what I am about to tell you (actually write, but you know what I mean. Probably). If you do fathom, you can gloat to others who have read this book. If you didn't, don't fret! Rereading this book may be tedious, but I totally assure you it is worth it, just make sure to drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration.

Now then, let's start off with the basics. Hello, intrepid reader! My name is Lyra Heartstrings, PhD times eleven. Yes, you read that right. Eleven doctorates, because I can. I am officially, legally, and professionally recognized as an expert in the fields of forensics, psychology, physics, macroeconomics, cryptology (I love me a mean puzzle), cryptozoology (like a zookeeper, but cooler), inorganic chemistry (dead things that react with each other), equinology, history, music, and magic (because all unicorns have to learn it).

That last sentence was so long, I'm just going to start a new paragraph so it doesn't look too cluttered. Anyways, I wrote this book after I realized that the education system in Equestria is atrocious. After taking a look at a certain pink and purple teacher's curriculum, I noticed large discrepancies with what is taught in public schools compared to what is taught in prestigious universities. That's why I'm writing this  book. The vast majority of Equestrians are incredibly ignorant of the basic workings of the universe, and cannot name some of the most famous ponies that were essential to our history.

For buck's sake, less than 5% of the population (according to a survey of 5000 random adults in 998 ACE) know Princess Celestia's full name! Go on. What is it? You don't know, do you? It's Celestia Solaris Novum, High Princess and Diarch of the Princessdom of Equestria and its protectorates. Seriously, you should at least know her last name. Celestia Novum isn't that hard, much least Celestia Solaris Novum. She's been the ruler of this country for millennia, and most ponies can't name more than one or two decrees she has made. Hay, you didn't even know her full name until I told you last paragraph!

But fret not, simple minded ignoramuses! I will guide you out of the dark forest of low level education with my Lantern of Knowledge™! This book is merely the first step. Within these pages I have written  enough on the topics of science and history that merely reading this might raise your IQ (Intelligence Quotient, in case you're wondering) by seventeen points! Yes, I did just make up that number! Hopefully you foals out there reading this (assuming the PTA hasn't banned this book in schools) will understand. If you don't understand, and I call you a dummy, I'm sorry, and I don't mean it to you. I'm just calling your parents dummies.

Of course, as with all science, there are those out there unwilling to understand. This book will challenge certain "beliefs". For example, I will explain why Celestia could not have created the universe and everypony in it several millennia ago. I will also explain that the world is billions of years old, that science and magic can coexist together, and neither is "better" than the other. Also, I will explain how every single species in Equestria is seriously messed up in several ways, and that we're all related through an intricate and convoluted web of ancestry and increasingly disturbing dalliances.

Some may call me a conspiracy theorist, but those who do are clearly using faulty information. I have a bachelor's degree in applied conspiracy, thank you very much. Princess Twilight Sparkle is the mare with the degree in conspiracy theory, not me. You want a whack job hypothesis? Go ask her.

Further basics include my terminology: The sun, aka Celestia's sun, is not its real name. The ancient Romanians referred to their sun god as Sol (two separate entities: Indigos and Invictus), and ancient Horse mythology referred to it as Sól or Sunna. Neither of which were the first, and frankly, just made it more confusing. No, as long as I am your teacher, dear reader, we shall refer to that nuclear powered orb of light by its first name: Alpha Centauri A.

The first civilization, as well as the first sentient species were the Centaurs, and this was the name they gave our floaty light thing. While some scholars say that calling the moon "Beta Centauri" is accurate, that is false. That is actually a mistranslation of works from ancient Fleece, where the letter B is equated to Beta. No, the actual name of the moon, as said by the ancient Centaur civilization, was Alpha Centauri B.

The names have changed many times, as well as many new ones created by the Zebras, Griffons, Donkeys, and Buffalo, but Alpha Centauri A and B have preceded all others by over 1000 years. So yeah, tough luck. Our planet will generally be referred to as Centauri, as the Centaurs never had a single name for our planet (some historians mistakenly attribute the name of our planet as called by the Centaurs as "Delta Centauri", which makes even less sense, as they skipped over Gamma.)

Other than that, I'll keep things simple. Anyways, welcome to my book! May your ignorance melt away!

Pfft, Twilight thinks I don't know how to read invisible writing. With the quality of ink she's using, it's practically raised print.

The Big Bang

Thirteen billion, seven hundred ninety-eight million, two hundred forty-four thousand, five hundred and sixty-one years ago (give or take 37 million years) the entirety of the universe was concentrated into a single point. All of reality, space, time, and matter existed within an infinitely dense speck smaller than an atom. And then it exploded, shattering the unified force of magic and science into two separate entities.

Our universe is made of eleven dimensions. As the universe began to expand, five dimensions of space and one dimension of time unraveled and expanded along with the rest of reality. The remaining five dimensions are either compacted or existing elsewhere, unobserved. The first three spatial dimensions became the visible universe today, while the remaining two became the astral plane, the origin of 61.9% of all magic (approximated from the energy surge detected during Princess Twilight Sparkle's ascension).

The plane is only reachable by an immense surge of magical energy, thus only alicorns, and soon-to-be alicorns are able to reach it (Twilight still won't tell me what it's like). The remaining dimension is time, which as we all know goes in one direction. However, magic itself is able to travel along all the dimensions by tapping into the astral plane, thus allowing greater freedom than our limited and dull three-dimensional world.

Anyways, shortly after the universe began expanding, all matter existed as quark-gluon plasma. This eventually cooled and condensed into normal matter, forming copious amounts of hydrogen and helium. At around 560 million years after the Big Bang, these dense amounts of matter condensed into the first stars, which were hundreds of times the size of Alpha Centauri A.

Nuclear fusion is what causes all stars to function. As the temperatures within a star's core were so high, the atoms became ionized and gained incredible amounts of energy. These atoms (usually hydrogen) would collide with each other, combining several times to create helium. Four hydrogen atoms (atomic mass of approximately 1 amu each) combined to form helium-4 (with 4 amu each). This process continues until all of the hydrogen is used, which causes the star to begin combining helium atoms together, creating beryllium and carbon atoms.

This process continues until the star reaches its limit (usually around the formation of iron-56 in this case) and its core begins to collapse under its own gravity. The massive star then expels its outer layers in an explosion so powerful and bright that it temporarily outshines an entire galaxy. This is called a supernova, and it is awesome. During a supernova, many atoms in the outer layer rapidly combine, resulting in the formation of heavier elements that would not normally appear during normal stellar nuclear fusion, like lead or iodine.

Eventually, these expelled remains of a dead massive star fly away at high velocities, until they are captured again in the gravity of a new forming star. These "second generation" stars are smaller, thus fusion occurs slower. This results in a dimmer glow, but a much longer lifespan (Similar to how a small flame burns away fuel slowly, while a large flame burns away its fuel rapidly).

It is good to note that our star, Alpha Centauri A, is a medium sized star, with a projected lifespan of approximately 10 billion years. About 4.6 billion years ago, our solar system formed a nebula (basically a cloud in space). As gravity caused approximately 99.9% of the matter to condense into the star. The remain disc-shaped cloud of debris coalesced into the planets, comets, asteroids, and moons.

Alpha Centauri B itself is believed to have formed early in the solar system's development (approximately 20 to 100 million years after the solar system began) by the early Centauri being impacted by a similarly sized planet, causing the surface of the planet to be blasted off. This debris formed a ring that eventually gravitated together to form the celestial body closest to our planet's surface.

The cause of Alpha Centauri A to begin orbiting our planet is unknown, but it has been hypothesized to have occurred between 1 and 3 million years ago, around the same period the use of magic tripled across the planet by its inhabitants.

The myriad of abilities and effects caused by magic is incredibly large, but ultimately is contrasted by existence of physics and science: the two are contrasting forces in the known universe. While there are four fundamental forces of science: Electromagnetism, gravity, weak nuclear force, and strong nuclear force; there are six for magic: Harmony, chaos, darkness, light, elemental, and quintessence. The six magical forces combine with their opposites (light/dark, harmony/chaos, and element/quint) to form the three forms of magic: position (as in up/down), personality (as in charm/strange), and power (as in top/bottom).

Magic itself takes on properties similar to elementary particles, which make up all matter in the known universe. The intellectual separation of magic and science was done  to simplify learning, as most foals (and a lot of  adults) are really confused by this sort of thing. In actuality, magic, for the most part, follows many laws and principles that were discovered via science.

Surprisingly, magic completely follows the law of conservation of energy. When undisturbed, magical leptonic particles (referred to as MLPs from here on) are extremely inert, only reacting with non-magical particles 0.0000000000000000000000341% of the time. They do not respond to electromagnetism and do not affect most measurements of mass. The magical core present in most species on Centauri is the source of magical power. It draws in magic from its surroundings, generally depending on the type (for example, pegasi draw MLPs from the air, while earth ponies and zebras draw them from the ground.)

This source of energy replenishes over time, seeping in from the astral plane to replace that which is drawn in by living things. This means that no matter how much magic a single pony uses, they will never completely run out, and it merely takes time to regain enough magic to reach a healthy norm. The only ways to prevent usage of magic is via the use of core-restraints, which come in two flavors: coats and shackles. Coats cover an entire body preventing magic from being absorbed or expelled. Shackles cover the expelling point, such as the unicorn horn, preventing the release of MLPs.

Magic works by transforming inert MLPs into reactive "normal" matter and energy, allowing work to be done by creating force. Conservation of matter and energy is kept because the energy comes from the astral plane. The astral plane in turn, gets its energy from the normal universe, due to the excess energy that piles up from the use of magic. Everything is kept in equilibrium.

When MLPs are induced into a reactive state, it initiates a process known as Fermion Incited Motion, or FIM. This is the basis for everything magical. All active magic exists in a state of constant vibration as a result of the enormous amounts of energy stored within each MLP.

Dark matter and energy, as they are called in some circles, are terms used to denote the mysterious 95.1% of the universe's matter and energy that cannot be observed, other than their odd effects on gravity and universal inflation. Like MLPs in their natural state, dark matter and dark energy do not appear to react with anything, and is largely unnoticed. It is however, a very convenient source of magic.

Dark magic. You've all heard this name fly around, discussed in hushed voices. Those rumors about a recent crime being associated with dark magic. An atrocity committed via forbidden spells. Artifacts of untold power corrupting the minds of their wielders.  How exactly, does this work?

In actuality, dark energy appears identical to normal energy when it is used by a unicorn or other magic user. Dark matter on the other hoof, is invisible and intangible, and requires special instruments and a lot of educated guesses to observe. Thus, most magic users are restricted to using normal MLPs and dark energy, with dark matter rendered "cool, but basically useless."

Dark energy, in the form of MLPs, can be utilized by anypony who tries. It is however, not safe to use. Well, I mean, everypony already knows that, but the reasons for it is complicated. While it appears identical to normal magic, dark magic exists in huge amounts of abundance, many times more in any given location than normal magic. However, for every single species on Centauri, the usage of dark magic in any quantity is hazardous to one's health.

This was incredible information back when it was discovered in 945 AD, as the Hayroshima mega spell device did not differentiate between normal and dark magic when it was detonated over the city. This lead to hundreds of thousands of ponies, dragons, and wildlife becoming inflicted to the first widespread case of multi-species dark magic corruption. Before then, it was commonly believed that dark magic only affected certain species, such as unicorns and griffons.

Many years of research since then has revealed that the magic organ present in many species were all derived from a common ancestor several hundred million years ago. This meant that while magic does vary greatly from species to species, they have many common similarities. The organ that absorbs magic is nearly identical in function across the board, and it has been noted to absorb only certain specific kinds of magic for use.

It is similar to diets of many species. Ponies for example, can consume vegetables, fruit, eggs, and grass, but get no nutrition from the consumption of meat. Griffons can eat meat, fruit, and seeds for nutrition, but consumption of grass does nothing for their health. Minotaurs can eat red meat and grass, but the consumption of a specific type of meat is fatal to them. Like the diet of many species, dark magic is not normal for the "diet" of magic users.

However, despite the universal dislike of dark magic (except in the case of zebras, but more on that later), it is actually used quite often. For ponies especially, the subconscious use of dark magic is a common occurrence. When stressed, ponies unknowingly absorb small amounts of dark magic, causing slight increases in paranoia, anxiety, and depression, as well as other symptoms associated with mental illnesses and breakdowns. This leads to the somewhat accurate claim that ponies, while generally easy going and nice, have the highest tendency to unexpectedly go completely insane in a short amount of time before returning back to normal.

High amounts of stress results in a small buildup of dark magic, while having generally short-term effects, has been known to cause real issues. Buildup in more powerful ponies tends to result in a larger pool of dark magic, due to their naturally larger reserves of total magic within them. This means that the more powerful a pony, the more dangerous their breakdowns are.

A good example is Twilight Sparkle, alicorn princess. Back when she was still a unicorn (the most powerful one alive), she suffered a breakdown back in the year 1001, when she made everypony in Ponyville fall in love with a doll, myself included. Needless to say, disaster ensued, with many injuries sustained and property damage totaling up to 11 588 Equestrian bits. I did have a good excuse to punch Mayor Mare the face, though. Worth it, in my opinion.

Of course, since not everypony is from Ponyville, another great example, the one with the record for longest lasting and most severe case of stress-induced dark magic corruption (SIDMC), is Princess Luna. Shocking isn't it? Since most of you should know the details (and if you don't: What? Were living on a rock farm this whole time?), I'll just say that Luna's feelings of neglect caused her to become stressed, which made her absorb dark magic, which caused her to develop depression and other issues, which got her more stressed, which made her absorb more dark magic, etc. until we got Nightmare Moon. There was also some evil nightmare parasite thing somewhere along the line, but that's minor.

If you're a pony, here's what you should do: First, don't worry too much about this. Worrying about it will make it worse.

Second, it's easy to work the dark magic out of your system. Perform basic spells such as levitation on harmless and nonliving objects (like a stress ball), run around, or read a book. Just work it off, or release some steam, as the saying goes. As your mind becomes happier and clearer, it gets better.

Third, know when it happens to others. A lot of the time, stress-induced dark magic corruption is caused by hurt feelings or misunderstandings, so try and talk to your friends about their feelings, maybe soothe them.

Fourth, this happens all the time. Usually in adults, when the magical organs are more developed. It also doesn't usually have long term effects. Only exposure to dark magic over long periods or infectious dark magical agents (long story) could result in long term effects.

SIDMC is a short term problem that is out there, but is almost always minor (unless the afflicted is ridiculously powerful, in which case, run.) It is believed to be some sort of evolutionary adaptation, as increased signs of stress may have meant increased chance of danger, and the pooling of excess magic may have been a safety measure to last longer in combat. Whatever the true reason for it, SIDMC has lost its purpose eons ago.

On the Origin of Species

For those of you wondering: yes, evolution is a thing. No, Princess Celestia did not create the universe from [Clay, Dust, Magic, Cake, etc.]. At current estimations, based on DNA samples that I personally retrieved from the Canterlot Castle royal kitchens (go on, Royal Guard. Prove it.), as well as cross-referencing sixty-four archives and historical texts, I have placed her birth at approximately 200000 years ago.

Since it's already established that Centauri is at least four billion years old, and life is at least 3.5 billion years old, it is, without a doubt, proven that bucking Celestia did not invent or make any known species, or had any part in the creation of the universe. It is a known fact that she had parents and grandparents, and thus could not have helped in the universe's creation. Unless of course you count time travel, but all records show no evidence to support the "Celestia is her own ancestor" theory. She did not create ponies. Neither did Luna. And do not start with Cadance and Twilight.

Alicorns are not deities! If they were, they wouldn't suck so much at chess and checkers! Or Twister! I refuse to believe in goddesses that can't reach front-left-hoof-blue!

Now then, on with this chapter's topic: evolution. Yep, it's real. Ponies did in fact evolve from rodents, and we are closely related to donkeys and zebras. Suck it up, because it only gets weirder. You may ask me: "But Lyra! What about Discord? What about Chimeras and Pegasi and Changelings? They totally don't follow evolution!"

First off, that's grammatically incorrect. It should be "Chimeras, Pegasi, and Changelings?" Second, it's been figured out back in 946 AD: Conjugation. Also known as horizontal gene transfer, it is the phenomenon in which organisms transmit genetic information between two or more organisms to give rise to new genomes, each with DNA sequences from the originals.

Why is this so common? Because evolution, dinguses! Which is better at surviving? A lion, or a lion with dragon wings and a scorpion tail? The latter, otherwise known as a manticore, can freaking kill its enemies in at least three different ways. Compared to its ancestors, it is much more likely to survive.  This doesn't mean all non-hybrids are screwed, however, as the creation of these mutants has some drawbacks:

It is extremely random. There is evidence of horizontal gene transfer between bears and fish. Why haven't you heard of them? No, it's not because you're ignorant, it's because they went extinct 850,000 years ago. A 500 pound furry fish thing wasn't cut out for small streams.

Despite their name, their gene pools are below average. It rarely happens, so the amount of viable and fertile hybrids in the same generation at the species' origin is limited. The lack of genetic variation actually lowers the chance of adaptation of the species to changing environments.

Their magic is screwy. A cockatrice is the result of a chicken and a snake mixing. How does have petrifying abilities? By random chance, their DNA and magical auras mixed in such a unique combination that gave rise to this attribute. Other species are not so lucky.

Evolution still applies to non-hybrid species. And with limited gene pools, some hybrid species might actually evolve slower than normal species!

Of course, examples are needed, such as: Griffons, manticores, draconequui, changelings, chimeras, pegasi, possibly centaurs, fruit bats, and cockatrices are all examples of this odd phenomenon.

Now, evolution is a complicated idea. It is not "the strong survive, and the weak die, so eventually the strong take over." Most of evolution is random chance. Yes, over time an abundance of powerful and incredibly dangerous animals has appeared across Centauri. No, that doesn't mean the rest are screwed.

Also, only some traits are heritable. Prench biologist Cheval La Mark theorized that acquired physical characteristics could be inherited by one's offspring. Today, we know that is not true (except in the case of epigenetics, but that's way too niche for this book) and that traits acquired in life are not inherited. A unicorn who exercises his magic frequently to increase his magic reserves will not have foals with larger reserves because of it. An earth pony who exercises her hind legs bucking trees will not have kids with a similar muscular growth.

This is all due to genetics, which I will now explain.

A genome (sum of all genes in an organism) is the recipe for said organism. Everypony has genes, even you, dear reader. It is the code that tells your cells what to make, how to make it, how much, and where it goes. It decides your color, your species, and helps make you you.

Take for example, a group of one thousand fruit bats. In this group, they can all mate with each other and give rise to more fruit bats. But if you look closely, you'll see that each fruit bat is somewhat different. Some are larger, others are taller, and still others have less fur. Among the differences are mouth size, height, weight, wingspan, body size, color, feet size, and shape of the tail. Oh, and they are being ruthlessly hunted and eaten alive by cockatrices.

Every single part of a fruit bat's body is determined by genes. There is a gene for fruit bat color, like red or blue. There is a gene for the size of their feet, or the shape of their tail. While they all have genes that code for the same things, there are alternate versions of each gene, called alleles, resulting in slightly different results. Say a cupcake recipe calls for vanilla frosting. It doesn't specify what color, so you have two different kinds with you, white frosting, and blue frosting. They are practically the same and get the job done, except for one minor difference. That is essentially what alleles are.

The cupcake is a metaphor for you.

Back to the fruit bats, their habitat has changed recently. For an unknown and probably chaotic reason, the fruit in the area have doubled in size. Now it is much more difficult for them to eat, and thus get less food each time they go scavenging while avoiding their natural predators. There is this one gene that determines jaw size. The fruit bats in this population with larger jaws are able grab the larger fruits more effectively and fly away from certain doom. They are more likely to survive, and thus are more likely to mate and reproduce.

The next generation is more likely to inherit the larger jaw genes, so the average jaw size of the population shift slightly higher. Over the course of many generations, the smaller jaws will be nonexistent, and larger and larger jaws will become the norm. Eventually, the fruit bats on this area would have "evolved" larger jaws to compensate for the larger fruit.

Hopefully, I've gotten you ponies interested. For more information, I direct you to Dear Whinny's On the Origin of Species, from which I shamelessly ripped off the title. You here that? I have no shame, therefore your meager attempts to embarrass me will prove fruitless.

I also recommend Jean Splicer's Playing Goddess and Pesky Mist's Social Dear Whinnyism for what to expect from ponies who have no idea what they are talking about.

How to Defeat an Ursa

Disclaimer:

Lyra Heartstrings, PhD, Bon Bon VII, Trixie Lulamoon, Esq., and Canterlot Express Publishing are not responsible for any deaths, injuries, property damage, illnesses, destruction, wars, ecological damage, or other harm caused by anypony or anybeing stupid or crazy enough to try what is described in this chapter. Yeah, no. Don't do it, kids. Seriously, don't. If you do, you will be hurt, and all your friends will laugh at you. This was written assuming you are an adult. Sorry, ask your parents. Then tell them to ask the Royal Guard or a princess about it.

Ursus galaxia, in Equestria, Maretonia, Prance, and Saddle Arabia.

Tardigrada magnus in Zebrica, Griffon Empire, Gryphon Kingdom et al.

Before I begin, it's probably best for everypony involved to actually know what an ursa is. An ursa is a sack of star-like matter magically enchanted to create the shape of a bear. The average height of a fully grown ursa is 25 meters tall (82 feet) on all fours and 52 meters (170.6 feet) in length, or 21 times larger than the average pony (120 centimeters or 3.9 feet). Males and females, unlike normal bears, are identical in size. They average 1006 metric tons in mass (1109 tons) and have an average lifespan of 550 years, but the oldest on record died at the age of 830.

They drink milk, eat giant fish, trees, and large creatures. Omnivorous predators, they are the only known species to take on dragons one-on-one (other than alicorns, but they are considered a subspecies of ponies). While they do consume dragon meat, it is extremely rare, and even then only adolescent and baby dragons. They are found primarily in forest environments, but a few inhabit the tundras.

It is believed that ursas were first born from the horizontal gene transfer between a grizzly bear and an unidentified organism belonging to the Phylum Tardigrada. (A good contender is Milnesium tardigradum, mostly due to the two species sharing similar diets). However, despite our knowledge of the genetic component of an ursa, more than 70% of the mass is made of magic, which renders most of this question moot. The magic coalesces into a form resembling stars and nebulae enclosed in a thick outer covering comprised of a translucent glycoprotein resembling chitin (however, it has some properties similar to keratin. A molecular analysis has determined that it is predominantly chitinous).

No, they are not made of stars. If that were true, the temperature around any of them would exceed 4000°K (6740°F). Any historian, zoologist, or veterinarian would know that ursa attacks on towns and cities occur at least once a decade, and no smoldering craters have ever been a direct result of one. There are smoldering craters around, sure, but most were created by a certain alicorn princess engaged in a fight to the death. Convection is also a thing: the transfer of heat from one place to another by fluid movement. Which means that if ursas are made of stars, then that means that going anywhere near them would mean melting buildings and clouds on fire. Also we're not all dead from enormous exposure to gamma and x-rays,

No, what I am detailing is how to soundly use scientific fact, data, information, and figures obtained from various reputable sources such as: Encyclopedia Equestria, Bio-Griffin Magazine, The Jefferponyian, Zoosual Suspects, Water & Sea Bears Monthly, and Scientific Equestrian. So without further rambling, here are several methods that do and do not work:

Drawing Anti-Sea Bear Circles. DOES NOT work. First, ursas are related to tardigrades, otherwise known as water bears. They are NOT related to sea bears. At all. Second, creating a good circle that is definitely not an ellipse is incredibly difficult, requiring an eccentricity less than 0.045 for the circle to work. Third, it's sea bears live in the ocean, far away from ursas. Fourth, it's a circle drawn on the ground.

Dousing them in water. DOES NOT work. This came from the ancient belief that an ursa was made of stars, and that putting out the fiery balls of light would kill them. First, they are not made of stars. Second, even if they were made of stars, throwing water on them would probably make the stars brighter. The nuclear fusion inside a star would be helped by adding more fuel, making the stars more massive. This would increase the pressure at the core, causing more nuclear fusion, and thus more energy being released, some of it as light. Considering the size of an ursa, they are in no danger of collapsing, going supernova, or running out of fuel. Even if one somehow caused a supernova to happen, making an ursa self destruct in the middle of a town would vaporize everything. So no.

Distraction via giant pile of giant fish. Sometimes works. Yep. Trail of fish leading away from town and into a faraway land is a method that has been known to work. Just don't show the ursa anything more appealing than fish, and you'll be fine.

Relaxing music. Works. Only applies to ursa minors, but will result in a sleepy ursa minor that can then be moved.

Now, if you want to punch an angry ursa in the face and somehow survive, here's how:

Ursas are really heavy, and thus are much more affected by the force of gravity. While they walk on four legs, they can be tripped if you are able to wrap a rope around its leg. It should be known, however, that an ursa's pulling force is unimaginably high. Therefore, the rope must have a reasonably high ultimate tensile strength (the maximum stress a material can handle before breaking), preferably at least 600 megapascals in ultimate strength. Most kinds of steel can handle that, so if you want to fight an ursa, invest in thick cords of steel. Then, trip it. If you can't figure out how, you have no chance of actually defeating an ursa in the first place, so please skip to the next chapter.

Tripping can also be achieved using powerful concussive blasts from either a unicorn spell of your choosing, or a well planned lightning strike from a pegasus. Improvised land mines are also a possibility. Surprise in this regard is your best ally, as well as cooperative teamwork involving complicated confusion tactics. Scaring an ursa is difficult, so going for the shock value is a must.

Next, you will need to get your hands on some form of sleeping powder or anesthetic. Heavy duty tranquilizers will also do the trick. Before attempting to inject, you would need to be able to pierce the skin of the ursa, which is no easy feat. An industrial drill tipped with diamond might penetrate, but I recommend some high quality adult dragon teeth to make your mark. After injecting a high dose of  sleepy time, you've basically won. There are some spells that could knock out an ursa, but the magical resistance in this species makes it highly inefficient.

Now, if you want to fight one head on without any sneaking around because it not honorable or something, you're probably going to die. But I'll try to maximize your survival rates anyways with some tips (you're welcome):

They have no long range attacks. Unlike pegasi, unicorns, alicorns, and dragons, they cannot randomly shoot the power of the elements at you. They are gigantic and fast, though. They can also throw heavy objects (like trees) at you. So keep your distance and keep your eyes peeled. Death by falling tree sounds stupid when fight an ursa major.

They have powerful magic resistance. While telekinesis can affect them normally, most spells do not. They can be affected by the effects of a spell. For example, they are burned by a flame spell that makes a fire on the ground, but are immune to being set on fire.

They can swim. In water and lava.

Ursa majors can jump several stories high, so flying above them is not a guarantee for survival.

They are very tough overall. I mean, they fight dragons.

Now that you've captured a beast of unimaginable power, what do you do? Well, I don't know, I'm just here to help you defeat one. Congratulations for beating a giant water bear.

On another note, I have been advised, for some reason, by my attorney not to discuss the events in Ponyville several years ago, when an ursa minor rampaged through the town. Personally, I think regaling all of you about the time when pre-Princess Twilight defeated a baby ursa using motherly techniques would have been great. However, my Pony Relations specialist (aka my best buddy) Bon Bon convinced me to listen to my attorney. But geez, it's been like, years. I'm pretty sure most ponies remember the time she enslaved the town more than that one time a couple colts did something reckless and stupid. I wouldn't know, I was out of town during my attorney's ruthless dictator phase.

Foreword by Princess Twilight Sparkle, PhD

Pour water on the page.

Dear potential reader,

I am so, so sorry. I am sorry for what you are about to read. Before you go on, I would like to say that everything written in this book is factually accurate. Except the part about a unified magic-science force, that's just a theory. I will say that this book is written competently, and that the science and history, other than the few controversial theories about the nature of science and magic, are accurate.

But I have to warn you about the rest of the book. Lyra Heartstrings, PhD, is considered by many to be the smartest mare alive. I am one of those many. I have known Lyra for many years, and was first introduced to her by my sister-in-law, Princess Cadance. Let's just say our mutually opposing views on current scientific theories led to some unsavory debates. To this day I still question Cadance's taste in friends.

Lyra Heartstrings is the kind of mare that you can never put up with because she's always right. Infuriatingly so. She is the only pony in the entire world to completely earn her hubris. She's still annoying as Tartarus.

But she's not arrogant. Beneath that annoying veneer is a kind and caring pony who dislikes fame. The only reason Lyra is writing this book is because of her intense feelings for education, and can't stand it when things aren't right. She's really, really passionate, albeit for subjects of questionable rationale. She's the reason every home in Ponyville has a set of hazmat suits, despite the probability of a dangerous epidemic spreading across Equestria being almost nothing.

I won't say you should like her. A lot of ponies in the scientific community don't. They all respect her, sure, but that doesn't mean they like her. Just give her a chance. She will probably call you an idiot, but that's just how she gets ponies to do better.

Oh, and if she's unbearably high-and-mighty in the introduction, don't worry. She mellows out by the next chapter. She's just overcompensating because she has no idea how many ponies will read her book.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle, PhD

P. S. The usage of invisible ink in this foreword is designed to minimize Lyra's temptation to read this, therefore giving me the freedom to write what I honestly feel.