RED vs BLU: The Teufort Chronicles

by CyberFan479

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Crossover, Sonata Dusk, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Gore, Aria Blaze, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure
Length: 2254

Being a soldier is one thing, being a soldier in a supposed war in the middle of the Badlands, is...well...another... (Equestria Girls x Team Fortress 2)

In the desolate Badlands of New Mexicolt, two groups of teenage girls with forged weapon permits soldiers sit in their forts and do nothing engage in a long standing feud for barren dustbowls and gravel pits valuable land. Read on as they attempt to unsuccessfully capture a briefcase full of paperwork valuable intel. But first they have to overcome their greatest obstacle...

Military life...

Now if only some of them would stop being stupid, wanting to get laid or otherwise being very insufferable...

Crossover with Team Fortress 2 and somewhat inspired by Red vs Blue and Cult of Personality
Sex tag for sexual innuendos
Teen for violence and swearing
Equestria Girls (c) Hasbro Studios
Team Fortress 2 (c) Valve Corporation

Published 2015-01-01 16:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-04 09:19:35 UTC

Prologue: You Ever Wonder [insert overused quote here]

Location: Teufort, New Mexicolt
Time and Date: [REDACTED]

Sun's up. Heatmaker loaded. Razorback equiped. Enemy battlements empty. Yet another monotonous day for Aria. Being the team's Sniper, she works twice as long as lookout as anyone else on the team.

Which was less looking out for enemies, more staring at anything that's more interesting that...well...looking out for enemies that were very unlikely to be coming.

But today there were nothing, no birds, no coyotes...wolves...dogs...whatever they were, no nothing.

It was quiet...too quiet...

"Hi Ari!" a pair of raspberry coloured eyes popped up right in front of Aria's scope.

"What in the name of...oh...hey Sonata..." Aria's shock went away as quickly as it came, replaced with the same bored tone she always used.

"Soooooo...What are you doing?" Sonata asked, standing on her heels. The Direct Hit strapped behind her shoulder jiggled slightly on its improvised shoulder strap, patented by Sonata herself.

Aria frowned slightly, "The exact same thing I do almost everyday..."

Then it was Sonata's turn to frown, "What?"

Aria rolled her eyes and tapped the scope of her Hitman's Heatmaker, which was just as sleek as the rest of the rifle.

It took a few seconds for Sonata to register what she meant, "Oh, right!"

"I still wonder how you managed to get enlisted..."

"Oh! They said that I was already a BLU, because I am blue!"

Aria lowered her eyelids, "Figures..."

"Soooooo...What's happening now?"

"Nothing's happening."

"How about now?"

"Nothing."

"Now?"

"Sonata, if you ask that question every other second, it's going to get old really fast!"

Sonata remained silent, for a moment, "I miss Adagio..."

Aria resisted the urge to facepalm, "Are you serious?"

Sonata was a little taken aback, "For realsies! I do miss her! Very much!"

"Sonata, she's standing right over there," Aria pointed to the enemy battlements, where a familiar girl with poofy, orange hair stood, an Iron Bomber in hand. Sitting on a wooden crate was another girl with rainbow coloured hair.

""Soooooo...What are they doing?"

"Talking."

"How about now?"

"Still talking."

"N..."

"Sonata, do we have to go through this again?" Aria said through gritted teeth, "They're just sitting there and talking, okay? That's all they ever do! That's what they were doing last week! That's what they were doing yesterday! That's what they are doing now! So the next time you ask, they'll still be sitting there and talking!"

Sonata's eyes unfocused as she stared off into the empty space of the "battlefield" as she attempted to parse Aria’s response and come up with one of her own, "Oh hey! I remember now!"

"Remember what?"

"Velly wanted me to tell you that our reinforcepeople are coming!"

"It's reinforcements, Sonata. Also, running out of taco shells is not a "code red emergency"," Aria recounted her experiences of the "Taco Shell Famine of Day 87".

"It is to me!" Sonata tried looked indignant, but her wide grin was not easy to get rid of, "Also, we get to make new friends!"

"What? Velly and Cloudy is not enough for you?" Aria said sarcastically, referring to Velvet Sky and Cloudy Kicks, the team's Engineer and Scout.

"Well, they are...but like they say! The more, the merrier!" and with that, Sonata frolicked back into the fortress.

"You're still the worst! You know that!"

"No! You are!"

"They got a sniper," Adagio commented, "and one I know pretty well."

"Shouldn't we be a little worried about that? Not that I'm scared of course," asked Rainbow Dash, inspecting the rubber bands and duct tape she'd used to hold her Force-A-Nature together, after Applejack was done with it. Unfortunately, she couldn't find a good chunk of the grip and had to make do with a can of Crit-A-Cola, her favourite drink, which led to her scattergun being nicknamed the "Soda Popper".

"Nah! Last time I met her, she couldn't hit the broadside of a barn in a town full of broadsides of barns."

"She's that bad?"

Adagio's grip on her grenade launcher tightened, "Is there anyone of us that's good?"

"Well, there's me. But I see your point."

The two girls didn't say a word after that, until Rainbow broke the silence, "Hey, girl."

"It's Adagio. Adagio Dazzle."

"Okay, whatever. So, you ever wonder why we're here?"

Adagio pondered for a while, "You mean why we're sitting out here in the middle of a desolate badlands, in a fort that's here because there's another fort several fucking metres away that's also here because this fort was here?"

"Yeah," replied Rainbow, "For a minute there, I thought you were going to talk about some cosmic coincidences or whether there's really a goddess that controls the sun and watches us."

"You want to talk about that?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Seriously though, why are we out here?"

"Beats me," Rainbow replied, stifling a yawn, "I'm going someplace else to rest my eyes, someplace a lot less drafty and windy."

"What? But there's barely any wind out here!"

"Too late!" before Adagio could reply, Rainbow had already disappeared around the corner.

"Why did I even sign up for this?"

Chapter 1: Welcome to Teufort, Enjoy Your Stay

"Are you sure they're coming?" Aria asked.

"Of course! Our employer instructed me to deploy a teleporter, and they'll just come right through!" said Velvet, the team's Engineer, waving her Jag around to make her point.

"Our employer? You mean that old hag that dies every hour?" Aria raised an eyebrow, as if she actually wanted to say 'Seriously?'.

"Well, he is kinda old..."

"Mmhmm."

"...and obsessed with gravel..."

"Mmhmm."

"...and...okay, I see your point..."

"Hey uh, I have a question," said Sonata.

"What?" Velvet and Aria asked simultaneously.

"Teleporters have an entrance and exit, right?"

"Of course, they do!" Velvet and Aria stared at each other when they answer simultaneously.

"Then, if the exit is here," Sonata pointed in the general direction of the active, whirring teleporter, "Where's the entrance, and who built it?"

Both of them opened their mouths to answer again, but no words came out. They stared at each other again, trying to formulate an answer.

"Urgh, goddammit Sonata! How can you be so dumb yet so logical at the same time?"

"Yeah, like that one time she asked why a hacksaw's called a hacksaw if it's used to saw and not hack. Honestly, that was a little creepy..." Velvet involuntarily shuddered as a mental picture of Sonata holding a bloodied hacksaw, laughing like a lunatic, came into her mind.

"So, when are they coming?" asked Sonata. As if on cue, with a flash, a teenager, like everyone else at Teufort, with purple hair stumbled through the teleporter. From the badge on her top and the Vaccinator in her hand, it was obvious she was a Medic.

"I would say 'speak of the devil', but I don't think a disorientated girl in a lab coat, tights and boots is considered a devil," Velvet remarked.

"Uh...what's...what's this about a...a...devil...is...he real?" the girl shook her head vigorously to clear her mind, and spoke in a clear, Manechester accent, "Uh, good day to you! I'm GAH!"

Before she could even finish her introduction, another girl came through the teleporter. However, it was less of a stumble and more of a charge. The girl had green hair that was more unkempt than Mystery's. Her taste in clothing was somewhat similar, minus the lab coat, plus the ammunition belt. An Iron Curtain landed with a big 'Thud!' next to her, while she landed on top of Mystery.

"Ughh, god..." the new Heavy Weapons Specialist, or Heavy, dragged herself to a nearby bucket and promptly threw up in it.

"Blergh...that...that was...one wild ride...which really, really sucked..." her mumbling echoed metallically inside the small bucket.

"Erm, you have to excuse her," Mystery stood back up and dusted off her lab coat.

'So now we have an English Medic and a Heavy that threw up going through a teleporter...Nice...' thought Aria.

"Oh god...oh god..." the Heavy got her head out of the bucket, her face just as green as her skirt, "Never...again..."

"Anyways, I'm Mystery Mint and that's Cherry Crash."

Cherry groaned and collapsed onto the floor, "Mystery...I need...need...your healing magic...again..."

Mystery sighed, "Alright, but let me say something first."

"What?"

"I told you so!"

"Hey! That didn't happen!"

"Yes, it did! Dazzle-pants! You said you didn't want to go to Las Pegasus! And as soon as I turn my back on you, you carjack a..."

"Uh, excuse me ma'ams?"

Adagio and Rainbow turned to the source of the voice, which happened to belong to a girl with fucshia hair that was unusually well-groomed. The sniper rifle she held was just as unusual, it was long and had ornate carving all along the body. There was monocle-esque sight, a laser sight attached under the barrel, and a curved stock with a golden recoil pad.

"I was told to report to the one in charge when I get to Outpost Four Niner Foxtrot," said the girl.

Adagio and Rainbow looked at each other.

"Who are you?" Adagio questioned.

"Fuchsia Blush, I'm your new Sniper."

The two girls looked at each yet again.

"Umm, I don't remember AJ telling us about new arrivals..."

"ADAGIO!!! RAINBOW DASH!!! FRONT AND CENTER ON THE DOUBLE!!!"

"Well, shit in a handbasket..."

"Come on, Gay Pride, let's see what's this all about."

"Real funny, Beehive."

"It's not even a Beehive, fucktard!"

Fuchsia watched as the two walked off into the fort, bickering all the way.

"Really wish my friends were here right about now..."

"Yeah, that's better..."

"Now...what have we learned?"

"Don't eat snacks immediately before going through a teleporter..."

"Good," Mystery nodded, and deactivated her Vaccinator, "Well, now that issue's been settled, now we wait for the others."

"There's more coming?" Aria and Velvet asked simultaneously, yet again.

"Oh for god's sake, we have to stop doing that!"

"I second that notion."

"I'll...just pretend that never happened. Yes, there's still more coming. They're still being briefed by our employer."

"And knowing that old guy, it could take up to a week, maybe two weeks, it may go as far as a month," A noticeable frown crossed Aria's face as she blatantly reduced the positivity of her comment.

An awkward silence soon followed.

"So, anyone up for some chess?"

"Hurry up! This ain't no ice cream social! Even Derpy understands 'on the double' better than you two."

"Ice cream social? Is it summer already?" Derpy ran off to find a calender.

"Applejack, aren't you going to get her?" Rainbow asked.

"Quiet you two. Now, does any of you want to guess why I gathered you here today?"

"Is it because the war is now over and we're being sent home?" Adagio asked, her words dripping with sarcasm.

"That's exactly it, Private Dazzletoes, war's over. RED won and yer the big hero, we're going home and a parade will be held in yer honour. Ah get to drive the float, and Derpy is in charge of confetti."

"Apple Jackass, I'm no stranger to sarcasm."

"And I'm no stranger to insults! Shut your mouth before you get a face full of buckshot!"

"It hurts the first few times, but you'll get used to it," Rainbow whispered to Adagio.

"Now the real reason why I gathered y'all here today, there are new arrivals coming to help us."

"Great...rookies..."

"As if we're any better, Rainbow 'Professionalism' Dash."

"They should be...arriving within a week, or two."

"Permission to speak freely...ma'am..." Rainbow reluctantly uttered.

"Permission denied!"

"Permission to speak freely, ma'am."

"Permission granted."

"Why does the tone-deaf girl get to speak freely?"

"I didn't grant you permission, Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow responded with a annoyed grumble.

"You know, Adagio. Every minute AJ spends in this fort, she sounds less like herself and more like a drill sergeant."

"Rainbow Dash..." Applejack glared at her, and turned to Adagio, "Anyways, what is it you wanted to say?"

"Who in the world made you the leader? No one said you'd be ours!"

Applejack pursed her lips, "Then go on! Gimme some input! Who d'ya think should lead the team?"

"I vote the Medic for leader!" Derpy exclaimed, popping out of nowhere.

"The shy girl afraid of her our shadow, really?" Adagio raised an eyebrow.

"I'm on nobody's side here, but a Medic is not the best choice fer a leader."

"Says the Engineer..."

"Say that again, to the muzzle of mah Frontier Justice!" Applejack raised her shotgun to Rainbow's face.

"I think I already built up a resistance to pellets, about 20% I think."

"Maybe it should be the one who kills the most enemies," Adagio suggested, "Erm, scratch that..."

"Actually, that's not such a bad suggestion. Derpy! Check the records."

Derpy pulled out a clipboard, which she happened to have for some reason, "Well girls, that'd be the girl with the poofy hair!"

All eyes fell on Adagio, "Hey, I swear that was an accident..."

"Oh, so you 'accidentally' removed the one advantage we have over the other team?" Applejack asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes.

"Okay, two things. One, how was I supposed to know that those bombs were made from depleted uranium? Two, I didn't 'remove' the advantage, we still outnumber them 5 to 4."

"Actually, it's 6 to 4. One of our new arrivals just...well...arrived..."

"Rainbow Dash, did I say you could...wait...they're coming already? Why didn't you say something?"

"If you had granted me permission to speak freely, I would have!"