Listlessly Listing

Vinyl stared at the sheet of paper sitting on her desk. It was something she had written quite some time ago and had seen many times since. It was a list with the only three things that actually meant something to her, three ponies to be precise.

It had taken her quite some time to work up to this task. She took a shaky breath, putting a pen to the paper and drawing two lines across it in succession. Tears welled up in her eyes, quickly flowing onto the paper causing it to be marked with stains. The pen clattered to the desk out of her grip onto the desk, as her tears turned into full blown sobs.

The list felt like a pathetic idea to Vinyl in retrospect. Out of all of the ponies she had met throughout her life, she was only able to list three as ones who she cared for. She glanced up to look at it again, tears still streaming down her face.

Vinyl thought back to why she made this list. It seemed to just happen one day after a “successful” performance where she received the usual cheers of the crowd only to feel nothing at all. It didn’t seem possible to her that the blown-up life of a DJ could ever result in feeling so empty inside. It didn’t seem possible that her once all important audience was so meaningless to her now.

So she had sat down and written out the names of everyone she could think of that she was positive mattered to her; Three measly names. At the time she had been content with that list. She knew while they were around, she had something to work for. Her parents and one only one other pony.

She stared at the list with it’s two crossed out names. My parents… Vinyl remembered happier days of her childhood, where they always seemed to be going somewhere and trying something new to her on weekends. She missed them being there for her. But it felt selfish to wish they were back for her when it was far beyond their ability to see her again in her lifetime.

Vinyl swallowed, choking back a sob. Life didn’t seem fair to her, that anyone that had truly mattered had vanished from her life. Maybe it had been her fault that she hadn’t taken  the time to grow close to most ponies. Most days, Vinyl assumed Celestia had decided to curse her, though it didn’t seem likely.

She had stopped going to performances, offers trickled away slowly, but she hadn’t cared. No one she cared about attended anymore attended, why keep going? All phone calls went away, nobody needed a DJ who didn’t play music. The once constant stream of support from fans slowed down too, until it all but disappeared. Time to time, Vinyl would still receive occasional letters, she just never had the heart to reply, like she would be required to return if she showed her presence in the world again.

She still had letters from her glory days posted up in various places around her room and the rest of her living quarters. She could only imagine what some of them could be saying now about her.

“Hey, remember that one artist, P0N3?”

“Yeah, what happened to her anyways?”

“Who knows, did you listen to that song by Woodlore yet?”

You forget about the world, and the world forgets about you.

Now all that was left was a singular name. Out of the hundreds of others she interacted with on a consistent basis, there was only one name left on the list. Vinyl laughed. It sounded hollow as well, and if there had been someone else in the room, they would have thought she sounded insane.

Vinyl had never really decided what it would mean when she found her list empty. Several drastic options had popped into her head, or what she thought seemed like they might be drastic by other’s standards. None of them seemed all that bad to her when she put thought into it.

Vinyl didn’t even know why she bothered to list the last pony on there. She felt childish, holding on to a possibility that likely disappeared from reality years ago. Yet, here they were as the last pony on her list of things she cared about. There should be no logical reason to keep them on here.

Still, they were the only ones keeping her from doing something she could regret later. Vinyl wished that she could bring her here right now, and pretend that nothing had gone wrong between them. She wished she could pretend it hadn’t been her fault. Deep down inside though, she only blamed herself. What she would give right now to have that familiar body pressed up against her side like they had used to.

Vinyl couldn’t believe that she still couldn’t face the reality of what she had been doing. Everyday she lived in the fear that someone would figure out she was the way that she was. She could still remember her partner saying so long ago, that it wasn’t an issue these days. For some reason, Vinyl just wasn't able to believe her.

She could still remember the look of betrayal in her partner’s eyes, when she said she couldn’t trust what she said.

“Are you… ashamed of me?”

“No, I just-”

“Just what? Because thats what it seems like to me, Vinyl!”

I’m just a screw up, an idiot, a useless excuse for a pony. The flood of self-insults trailed on in her head. Vinyl slammed her head onto the desk repeatedly. There was no way she could face her and expect her feelings to be returned. Yet, here Vinyl was, holding on to the slightest glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, she would see her the same way that she used to.

Vinyl’s head was still on the desk when something happened that hadn’t occurred in quite some time. The familiar melody of her cellphone’s ringtone echoed through the apartment. It was a very specific ringtone, bringing with it memories of late night walks in the park, and some entertaining conversations over long distances. It brought back the feeling of cold winters spent in front of a fireplace, enjoying the benefits of life.

She only hesitated a moment before she smiled and picked up her phone. The result of the conversation didn't matter to her, it couldn't get worse.

It was the first time she felt happy in a long time.