It's okay to be different.
It's what defines us.
It's what our hearts tell us to be.
It's who we are.
Never give up.
Just be you.
And I'll always be at your side.
Those words were spoken to me, by my older sister as she began to slip away from our family so long ago.
I wanted to believe those words with all my heart.
Hoping that even a strand of truth was within it.
It's light keeping me safe during the darkest nights.
And the roughest days.
But as of late, I can't help but think that those words were simply that words.
For to be yourself is not as simple as it seems.
And those you love and place your trust in.
Will never be at your side, when it matters the most.
You said you'd always be there for me...
Just words.
Spoken out of guilt, because you were leaving.
You knew it too.
Just words.
" C'mon Hazey Moon!- get up!!! " The booming voice of Rocky Road echoed around me as I simply let out a sigh, well perhaps an exasperated sigh but cut me break I've had a long day so far.
Gazing up from the ground my lower lip busted and bleeding the salty taste of blood trickling into my mouth slightly, I looked upon my tormentor Rocky he was tall for a colt earth pony his age and very bulky.
He had cream white fur with spots of brown throughout, this most true around his right eye.
His mane was wild and never brushed in a wicked tangle of brunette, while his eyes burned a light blue color.
This day he was roughing me up by himself, which makes me lucky I guess.
Usually he has two more friends who help him.
Thunderclap and Roaming Wind.
But I guess they were busy today, so as I said it was just me and Rocky.
I slowly stood up from the ground my hooves trembling in the damp mud below, a swift strike of a hoof across my face sent me back to the ground with a thud.
Mud splattered across my beige coat as I fell, the taste of dirt and blood stronger now.
Yeah, this makes me lucky.
If this is really my day, maybe I'll be struck by lightning on the walk home.
I can hope.
" You're Pathetic!! " Rocky hissed as he pounced atop my backside slamming his rock hard hooves over and over again onto the back of my head.
I winced feeling my head throb in pain, Rocky was far from done jumping off my backside he did a small spin bucking as hard as he could.
I felt his hind hooves slam hard into my side as I gasped aloud for air, my body was on fire and even the slight drizzle falling from above could not ease the pain.
" You're such a sissy Haze! " Rocky spoke catching his own breath as I simply stayed silent, rolling over on my side waiting for this all to end eyes burning trying to hold back tears.
" Let's finish this." Rocky huffed stomping over to me slowly, I closed my eyes waiting for the pain to start up once more.
" Leave him alone! " The Voice of a mare spoke up from behind Rocky who slowly spun around only to come face to face with Princess Twilight Sparkle.
A look of anger across her face eyes gazing deeply into Rockys own, for the first time ever I think I even saw him shiver in fear.
" Prin...Princess! " Rocky spoke in a trembling tone backing away from the alicorn quickly, his ears lowered in fear.
" What's the meaning of this? " Twilight frowned her lips pursed as I simply stood up from the muddy puddle I had found myself in.
" I caught this weirdo- I mean Hazey Moon here peeking in on the fillies ballet class. " Rocky chuckled softly pointing his hoof over to a small pink house across from the fight zone, a sign above the door read " Lil' Filles Ballet Studio."
" I only was trying to make him see that peeping was wrong..." Rocky shivered as Twilight softly sighed flaunting a hoof towards him to dismiss.
Rocky shot off down the road at top speed quickly fading off into the horizon, I could feel The Princesses shadow start to tower over me as I simply groaned aloud. Gazing up with a single eye from the muddy ground below, I found myself locking a gaze with a princess.
" I won't hurt you, but be honest were you peeping? " Twilight spoke in a soft almost warm tone, I slowly met her eyes with my own the cold chill running over my body fading away.
Your gaze used to do the same.
I brushed my long raven bangs of my mane back slightly, my dark violet eyes locking with Twilights.
" I was watching Ma'am, but I wasn't peeping. " I spoke my voice cracking slightly as I found myself at ease around her yet also completely frazzled.
The feelings of my life.
" Well I'm afraid that made no sense- were you watching or were you not? " Twilight took a small step forward her gaze becoming a bit more stern now as I felt my ears fold back slowly.
" I watched, but I really mean it I wasn't peeping at the fillies. " I felt my cheeks burning, the world around me felt as if it were starting to spin.
My words were falling apart in my mouth I felt too scared to come up with a complete sentence, I could tell though The Princess didn't understand were I was going with this. In her mind I was some little creep colt who wanted to watch the girls sway and dance around, I could get a sense of disapproval from her.
The same feeling I used to get when you thought I was hiding something, I want to forget you-why can't I?
" Well you can go and get cleaned up at home Haze wasn't it?-I'll talk to the Ballet teacher about the back window." Twilight smiled nodding as she began to walk away, her mind set on what she thought about me.
I gazed down tired of everypony thinking they knew me, when if anything nopony knew the real me.
The pony I hid day after day.
The reason I hated my reflection in my mirror.
The reason I was ashamed to tell you.
" I wasn't peeping!- I was watching the Ballet class! " I spoke out suddenly as the clouds high above started to grow darker a light drizzle outside turning to full fledge rain.
It's cool caress washing the dirt and the lies away from my body.
Twilight stopped her trott away turning to face me with a confused look upon her face.
" I got caught by Rocky because I started to daydream at the window." I sighed body shivering never had I told anypony about these feelings I've had.
" Daydreaming about what? " Twilight asked the young violet colored mare walking over to my side as I looked away with shame.
"About not just being in the class- but being a filly too..." I felt the words drop from my lips as a sudden weight was lifted off my body, leaving behind only a cold chill nipping at my very soul.
I did it.
I told the truth.
The lies I had held back so long, tearing me apart from the inside were free.
The shackles were broken.
But as the silence grew around me I felt my heart racing.
Would she laugh?
Tell my mother?
Think of me as some freak?
I felt tears forming in my eyes as I gazed up to her in shock and awe, what had I done?
I sealed my own fate.
Yet no laughter ever came.
Nor taunting.
Or judgement.
" Come with me Haze, we'll talk at my castle library. " The mare spoke in a calm soothing tone gently placeing a hoof on my shoulder as she nodded over to the large castle outside of Ponyville with a smile.
Tears rolling down my face I nodded, ready to follow her.
And stop hiding from everypony.
Most of all myself.
" More Tea Ms.Wuna? " The soft lisp of a little filly giggled as she wore a oversized white garden hat decorated with a pink bow on the rim and a oversized white gown that crummpled slightly at the ground.
The filly had a shimmering white coat with a cascading raven colored mane that never seemed to end, her eyes were so soft and blue they always seemed to calm my nerves as her laugh was like music-sweet and never judging.
I nodded along my own mane in a slightly sloppy side-do though at the time I thought was elegant, a makeshift crown made of paper sat atop my head while a oversized blue gown fell over my body.
" Oh course Ms.Cellie. " I couldn't help but giggle aloud holding out my small cup of tea as my best friend poured the invisible drink into my cup.
Her name was Raven and she was the only pony beside my sister I could trust, she knew my secret from day one though I never had to tell her anything it was as if she knew.
Never did she judge me nor did she make fun of me, instead it was as if she could see the filly inside of my soul.
She and I were friends.
But we each knew in our hearts we were sisters.
" Heehee Ms.Wuna that gown is soo pwetty..." Raven started to speak up as the loud crashing of the door behind us caused us both to jump up in fright.
His shadow was so large, those eyes so dark.
" Who was it Haze? " Twilight spoke in a soft gentle tone as she used her magic to move a small glass tea cup to my hooves as I grasped it softly.
" It was her dad Jericho. " I sighed aloud sitting atop a soft purple pillow, eyes falling down to the floor while Twilight used her powers to pour some warm tea into my cup with ease all the while listening to my story.
I took a deep breath my eyes locked more onto my cup then Twilight herself, my heart was beating wildly in my chest never had I been inside a castle for one but for a Princess to be taking time out of her day to help me?
It all seemed like this was some kind of surreal dream.
Twilight blinked lashes softly waiting for my reply as I suddenly felt myself blushing a light pink across my cheeks, Twilight had to be really busy today and here I was staying silent staring at a cup of tea as if it were going to spring to life or something.
" Ahem...Jericho was Ravens father-He wasn't a bad pony just had his own belifes..." I stummbled over my words trying to regen my composure.
" Once he found out I was dressing up with his daughter and about the games we played, he kinda lost it." I sighed aloud the visions of him grabbing my mane from the back and those wicked words he spoke still haunt me.
" So this Jericho found out- what then? " Twilight flashed a warm smile towards me as I couldn't help but start to feel calm, my body and mind returning to normal.
" Well he threatened me- said if he ever saw me around his daughter poisoning her morals-That he'd out me to not just my mother but also the town." I felt my heart sinking inside my chest slowly remembering the fear I felt that day.
" I agreed and from that day on-just kept to myself of course Raven tried to talk to me still but my fear outweighed my own happiness." I stoped talking staring out the window across from myself watching the rain pour down outside slowly.
" I ingored my only friend for months, each day shattering her heart just a bit more and before I knew it she was gone..." I spoke in a soft whisper a single tear rolling down my cheek slowly and dropping to the floor below.
" Where did she go? " Twilight raised a brow as I simply shrugged.
" Somewhere I think Canterlot-Her father moved them there, believed it was the best place for them to grow up right and pure. " I rolled my eyes slightly hating myself for ever abandoning Raven, she would have done anything for me yet I turned away.
" I see.- And how long have you felt that you were a filly inside? " Twilight smiled swiftly changing the subject as I gently bit down on my lower lip giving it a small bit of thought.
" I guess ever since I was just a little foal-I loved to watch my mother sow and cook or play with the fillies with their games instead with the colts." I ran a hoof slowly down my mane a small chuckle escaping my lips.
" My sister told me once when I was just a little foal- that I'd play with her old toys and tell her when I grew up I was going to be a strong mare just like her." I simply felt myself gaze up locking my eyes with The Princess.
" But as of now I feel like I'm in the wrong body-I see other colts growing up into stallions and those changes scare me." I feel myself start to shiver as my mind begins to race with thoughts of the future.
" I hate looking into the mirror because who I see is not me..." I feel tears slowly start to form in my eyes.
" The way I act-The way I speak and the way I live!-It's all fake none of it is me!! " I suddenly feel the world starting to spin everything around me seems as if it is trying to close in.
" I feel so hollow-The only time I'm happy is in my memories..." I can see your face again sister in the back of my mind, smiling spreading her lies and making me believe in a false hope.
" And at that my memories are nothing but LIES!! " I scream jumping up off my pillow as the cup of tea falls away from my grasp, shattering into many pieces across the stone floors of the castle.
I can just stand there in silence tears rolling down my cheeks, much like the rain falling from the dark sky.
" I'm so sorry." I say taking a deep breath as I calm my nerves sitting back down atop the pillow in silence.
" It's ok Haze you've been holding alot in it seems." Twilight spoke in her soft collected tone slowly walking over to my side and placing a hoof atop my shoulder.
" Thank you, I guess I just have to live with this huh? " I say with a defeated huff eyes slowly looking up to meet her own in silence.
She seemed to be thinking something over as if a secret was revealed to her yet she had no idea if she should share it, I merely watched in awe as the Princess simply scrunched up her muzzle, making a face so out of place I couldn't help but laugh.
" I'll take that as a yes." I chuckled aloud softly wiping a few tears away from my eyes before lifting up and giving Twilight a soft hug.
" Thank you ma'am, it meant alot that I could talk about this with somepony." I broke our hug forcing a small smile to cross my lips, if anything I felt a few hundred pounds lighter after pouring out my soul a bit.
" Hmmm.- If I said there was a way to help you- what would you say? " Twilight spoke her mind set on a path as if the worry she were feeling a few minutes ago had just vanished or at most put at bay.
" Help me?-But how? " I asked my eyes narrowing slightly unsure what Twilight meant by those words.
" Magic spells to change one's gender are out there." Twilight spoke up in a soft tone my body suddenly becoming numb, those words escaping her lips meant for me a chance to live normally at long last.
" There-The-There Is!! " I suddenly almost screamed outloud never had I known such a spell existed, I felt my heart fluttering happily in my chest.
" Yes but..." The Princess opened her mouth to speak only to have me jump around her happily, spazzing out like I just won the bit lottery or something.
" Can you cast it now? " I asked hooves tapping on the floor excitedly.
" Will it hurt? " I stoped in place asking that question as I placed a hoof on my chin in thought.
" Haze!- Settle down please. " The Princess started to speak in a stern tone, yet as soon as my backside hit the floor in silence it trailed off into a softer tone.
" I can't just change your gender here and now.- Spells that alter a ponies life are very powerful and kep't under lock and key in Canterlot." Twilight spoke in a clear tone as I could feel my ears folding back slightly.
" I might be able to get permission from The Princesses to use such a spell, but I'd think ceratin conditions should be met first." Twilight smiled walking over to a large shelf of books taking down a small violet colored one from the top shelf.
" Conditions? " I asked a bit confused as I watched the book float over to me and drop softly onto my hooves.
" Yes Conditions!- One. I'd like you to come visit me at least twice a week for the rest of the year, we can discuss how you feel and get more insight on why you feel this way." Twilight giggled trotting back over to my side eyes sparkling softly in the warm light of the room.
" Two. You will have to tell your family how you feel. " Twilight allowed the words to fall from her lips as I merely cringed at the very thought of telling my mom any of this.
" Three. I want you to live the year as a filly in public.- This means dressing, acting, talking and behaving as a young mare your age would." Twilights voice stabbed at my heart like daggers as I felt my whole body tense up and grow numb.
I thought she wanted to help me but I was wrong, it seemed as if she merely did want to make fun of me.
Though she had to lift me up before pushing me back down.
" Conditions Four and Five will be given out sometime in the future- if you can handle the other Three." She finished up her speech as I just sat there in silence gazing down to the book in my hooves a face of anger present.
" You don't have to mock me, you could have just called me a freak on the streets. " I huffed in anger as Twilight flashed a confused worried look.
" Why in Equestria would you say that? " She asked narrowing eyes in a stern fashion.
" Well the fact you want me to commit social suicide was a hint... " I spoke up my voice quivering as the mare wrapped her hooves around me and gave a firm soft squeeze.
" Haze I gave those conditions because you can't alter your life without seeing first hoof how things will be. " Her voice carried over to my ears slowly as I simply gazed down in silence.
" And I'm not forcing you to do anything- if you truly want to make a change in your life you will have to face that which you fear. " Her hoof slid under my chin lifting up my head to face her.
" If you can show not only The Princesses but Me - you are willing to and can handle the change in lifestyle I promise you a change. " Twilight giggled nudging my head gently with her muzzle as she gazed down to the book in my hooves.
" That book is empty Haze- Yet anything you write in those empty pages will come to me.-Anytime you need guidence I'll be here. " Twilight smiled as I clutched the book firmly in my hooves.
Though I was scared she was right.
If I wanted change in my life.
It would have to start with me.
