Firecrackers and Ice Cream's 'Mixed Basket™' firecrackers tend to be unpredictable in their explosions; sometimes they 'bang', sometimes they 'thok', and, very rarely, they 'ka-boom', the surefire mark of a 'Super-Cracker™' that a worker slipped into the bag as an extra treat to the lucky pony buying the fireworks.
The one thing they all have in common, however, is that they all have a ten-second fuse, clipped to exactness with skill bordering on Twilight-level compulsiveness.
The first one sails in a neat arc, piercing the first cloud with a muffled 'thump'. I wait, as I always do, for the inevitable release, the sweet tone that signifies the end of the fuse and the beginning of the powder.
Bang.
I sigh, smiling, as the cloud disappears in a large puff of smoke. A 'Classic Banger™'.
The next one comes soon afterward, this time ricocheting off of another cloud and coming to rest neatly in a small depression near the center of a third.
Th-roooop. That one was one of their rare 'Silly 'Sploders™'
I sigh again. As fun as these formalities, these... range-finding shots were, there was real stress relief to be done, not just tests of skill.
As I pull another firecracker from my saddlebag, I hold it in my hoof and close my eyes, picturing a pleasant memory...
The feel of my soft, plush blankets as I rest in my bed after a long day of Summer Flight Camp, the soothing explosions of the demolition crews echoing through the closed windows of the inner city apartment as I slowly drift off to sleep...
Opening my eyes again, I target a small, vaguely round-shaped cloud hanging in the air a good ten to fifteen feet above me. I focus on it, scowling as it changes from fluffy white to a pale purple, some of it retaining its color only to form a spiky mane. When I'm done, Cloud Chaser's face sneers at me, her mouth forming words I don't need to hear to understand.
'Fluttershy! Fluttershy! Fluttershy can hardly fly!'
Cloud Chaser laughs, and my grimace grows.
"Ready." I snarl, the signal that compels Angel, my steadfast friend, to light the fuse on the small explosive held in my hoof.
As the fuse slowly burns, I wait, breath coming heavy and ragged, gazing at Cloud Chaser's face.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
I hurl the firecracker as hard as I can straight up into the air. The missile sails neatly between Cloud Chaser's eyes with no explosion, and the mare laughs, mocking what she believes is poor timing.
The firecracker, hitting the zenith of its flight, pierces the mare's head from behind just as it explodes, sending fluffy white cloud everywhere.
Thok.
I sigh contentedly. There is nothing in the world like this, these little revenges against my fear, the small artillery I fire at myself.
Several more firecrackers arc up and explode, each one a happy memory destroying a source of fear, of sadness.
My first time on the ground; comforting the animals, getting my cutie mark.
Bang.
Learning to stand up for myself from Iron Will and, later, realizing that standing up for myself didn't mean I had to be mean.
Crack.
Helping reform Discord, and finding an unexpected friend in someone who seemed so chaotic and antisocial.
Thud.
My first performance as an actual, officially recognized member of the Ponytones Quintet; the applause, the adoration of the ponies, the smiles on their faces and on mine once I realized that I did everything right for once.
Pop.
The look on Sweetie Belle's face when I took her in as my first ever vocal student; the pride I felt in her at her first recital as she moved the audience to tears.
Blam.
The first ponies affected by Project: Rescue; fillies and colts off of the streets in Cloudsdale accepted into loving families, the joy in their eyes as they realized that they didn't have to fight for everything any more, that they didn't have to fight for anything any more.
Ka-Pow.
Soon, my saddlebags are exhausted, save for one single, solitary firecracker. I pull it out, examining it. The telltale bulging at the ends betrays this one's identity; it's a 'Super-Cracker™', the biggest one I've ever seen. It looks like it'll burst any second.
It's beautiful.
A shiver runs through me; a twinge of what can only be described as fate putting a comforting hoof on my withers. Today is the day. I close my hoof around the firecracker and breathe deeply.
Today is the day. I repeat the phrase like a mantra, etching it deep into my head.
Today is the day.
Today is the day.
Today is the day.
I close my eyes and focus on my happiest memory, the one I know now that I've unconsciously been saving for this exact moment.
I am in an alley in downtown Cloudsdale somewhere near my apartment, my eyes red and puffy from crying. They had managed to catch me this time, despite my best efforts to run and hide. They'd given me a few bruises, and they'd tried to do a lot more, but I'd managed to find my hooves and run, sprinting as fast as I could through the city until my hooves gave out and I sagged, gasping for breath.
I lie there, crying softly, and a hoof presses into my shoulder. I look up, expecting to see the face of one of my tormentor, resigned to my fate, but instead I see a blue muzzle bearing a concerned look. That was the day my life changed forever. From that day on, I had someone who I could talk to. Someone who I could confide in, who would comfort me and keep me safe. I had home. I had family.
From that day on, I had a friend.
I concentrate on that face, Rainbow Dash's face, and open my eyes.
"Ready." I say, not even bothering to target a cloud. Angel lights the fuse. I picture my friends, all of them, standing next to me as the fire on the ordnance grows brighter until it's a star in my hoof.
Ten. Rarity, showing me how to enjoy myself creatively, encouraging my knitting skills, taking me to the spa and showing me a way to forget my troubles. Rarity, whose Generosity has shown me that helping others is not weakness; it is strength.
Nine. Applejack, working hard at some task or another, never giving up and never letting anything get in her way. If she has a thought, she speaks it. Applejack, whose Honesty has shown me how to be honest with myself.
Eight. Pinkie Pie, her cheerfulness helping me open up, bit by bit, showing me the good in other ponies, helping me make friends. Laughter as she helps me laugh at myself, at my fear, making it weak, making it vulnerable.
Seven. Angel Bunny, his adorable face adopting a stern look as he forces me to get angry, makes me discipline him because he knows that I need to do it, that I need to have more confidence and if he has to abjectly refuse to eat his favorite food to give it to me, he will.
Angel looks at me, confused as to why I haven't thrown the firecracker yet. I stand still, waiting. Today is the day.
I'm sick.
I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I'm sick and tired of being so sick and tired.
And I'm sick and tired of myself; of how, no matter what happens, no matter how far I've come, no matter how happy I am, that monster, the blackness, the fear is always there, waiting for me.
Today is the day.
Today is the day I destroy that fear. Forever. My friends are with me, and with their help, this firecracker of mine, this miniature star will be the one to destroy it, and it will never touch me again, not the way it used to. It will diminish, it will fade, it will pass.
Six. Discord, making chaos into an art form simply by being himself, his constant surprises and pranks making me ready for anything, making me understand my fear, helping me know it, anticipate it, know how it works; how to destroy it.
Five. Twilight. Watching her open up faster than me, secretly envying her for her confidence. Envy turning to pride as she helps me, helps us, with everything she can, giving herself completely to her friends. Pride as she ascends, become something bigger than herself, becoming truly Magical.
Four. Rainbow Dash. Her cocky smile. Her 'I-can-do-anything-' attitude. Her rough voice, urging me to come on, just try it, it'll be fun. My first, my best, my wonderful friend, ever pushing me, ever lifting me up, ever helping, ever Loyal.
The tendrils of black, seeping fear begin to settle over me, and I smile almost imperceptibly.
Three.
The fear envelops me, shouting at me to let go, to throw it, I won't be able to do this, my plan is stupid, I should stop before I hurt myself. 'You can't ever be rid of the fear,' they seem to say. 'It'll be with you for the rest of your life, slowing you down, binding you, keeping you trapped.' The tendrils swirl together and take form finally, a dark face that looks at me, looks at this pathetic excuse of a mare, her only light in the dark the small, burning fuse of a firecracker, and laughs.
Two.
I take a deep breath and look my fear in the eye, giving it The Stare. It does not own me. It does not control me. It is a liar, and it wants to keep me down so I pay obeisance to it, so I recognize it as my ruler, my owner. It is not. I am me, and I have my friends.
The fear coalesces into a low-hanging cloud, flying gently overhead.
One. The fear is out there, all of it. The weapon is in hy hoof, ready to go. My friends nod at me, each one urging me to greater heights, to better myself, to be more.
The fear is nothing compared to this.
With a yell of rage so primal it almost surprises me, I hurl the firecracker into the face of my fear. It pierces the mass and then explodes in fury and power, the impact so huge it pushes me back a few feet.
KA-BOOM!
As the cloud dissipates, the fear goes with it, and I sigh, swaying on my hooves and smiling dreamily. I have done it. It is gone. I'm free.
I'm FREE.
"Goodness, Shy!" a voice calls. "Are ya all right, Sugarcube!?"
My friends rush over to me, concern on their faces. I look at them, at Twilight and Applejack and Pinkie and Rarity and Rainbow Dash, and speak.
"How long were you watching?"
"From the beginning." Rainbow replies, gazing at me with surprise in her eyes. "Man, I knew you could be brave sometimes, but that was somthing else!"
"Oh, goodness!" Rarity cries. "Your hoof, darling!"
I take a look at my right forehoof, the one I'd held the firecracker in. It's coated with something. A powder. Black powder. There's even more on the ground. It's exactly the kind of powder you'd find...
...inside a firecracker.
"It must have leaked while you were holding it." Twilight says, awe in her voice." Which means..."
"You did that all on your own!" Pinkie finishes, grinning. "We should have a party! A 'Fluttershy Can Blow Things Up With Her Brain' party!
As my friends chat amiably about how a party might be just a tad too much, maybe a picnic would be better, I just stand there in shock.
I did that.
On my own.
I didn't need a firecracker.
I didn't need some kind of godly power.
I didn't need its blazing light, burning like a star in spite of and because of everything trying to extinguish it.
I didn't need anything big, or grand, or heroic, or special.
I just needed my friends.
Without warning, I throw my head back and laugh, laugh until I'm gasping for breath and tears are flowing from my eyes and I collapse on the grass. After all my life, all these years of living in fear, all I needed were the very things I was afraid of: Other ponies.
I find it hilarious.
I find it poetic.
I find it many things, but that's not why I laugh.
I laugh at Old Fluttershy, that indescribably foolish mare! I laugh because she could have shaken off these bonds so easily so long ago. I laugh because, in the end, she let herself miss out on this wonderful, joyful feeling because of a tiny thing called 'fear'.
I laugh because I'm so happy I don't know what else to do.
I'm on the ground, laughter pouring from me as my friends look on with concern and confusion, and I could not be happier.
"I'm sorry." I say finally, getting up off of the ground and breathing heavily, turning to meet my friends with a grin on my face. "A picnic sounds wonderful."
Author's Note
So yeah.
This.
I wrote this at 2 AM when I couldn't sleep. I blame a combination of the late hour, my own personal fears, and the song 'Ingrediensen Jag Saknar' for this.
