Guard Duty

by UniqueSKD

Rating: teen
Tags: Flash Sentry, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3170

Two of Celestia's royal guards are having another boring day keeping the law in Canterlot until a pony with a 'bad light' problem gets their attention...

Spear and Shield, two stallions who serve Princess Celestia as part of her Royal Guard, are out and about in Canterlot on yet another boring day. Tasked to keep watch over things near the entrance to the capital city of Equestria, they try to numb the boredom that is quickly setting into their routine.

Fortunately, a stallion who wishes to enter the city just so happens to have a rather interesting characteristic about him that might just liven up things for a few minutes.

Flash Sentry character tag used because there aren't any Royal Guard tags here.

Published 2015-01-07 02:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-30 16:08:11 UTC

Chapter One - "He's not casting a shadow!"

"Well, this sure is exciting," Shield commented sarcastically, followed with a yawn. "My sister's out dealing with trouble-making dragons and what do I get? Guard duty."

An irritated moan sounded from his companion standing opposite him, bringing a hoof to his golden helmeted forehead. "Just once, Shield, can you NOT make references to things I have no clue about?", Spear groaned. The white unicorn dragged his hoof down his face as he shot the white earth pony a glowering look.

Shield raised his hooves up defensively. "Okay, okay. No more quotes from worlds outside of our own."

The two stallions slouched against the white stone walls that surrounded their home, the city of Canterlot. Shield pawed away at the dirt and grass beside him while Spear lightly banged the back of his helmet against the white brick of the wall. Both stallions had a look of boredom on their faces, and no wonder so. This was the second week in a row that the two friends had been assigned watch at the entrance gate into the city. A few ponies came and went, visiting or leaving, but all had little more to say besides a pleasant 'hello!' to them or asking for directions.

Shield quickly gave up pawing away at the earth and laid down on the ground looking up at the clouds in the sky, trying to find any that might look like an animal, or an item of food, or at the very least something penis-shaped. When he couldn't see a single shape in the clouds, he sighed, and began fidgeting with his armor and kicking his hooves in the air. A minute later, he sat up and stared ahead at nothing in particular. Spear was still banging the back of his helmet against the wall, developing a headache more and more with each rhythmic clang of metal against stone.

"A unicorn pony makes magic. Earth ponies are one with the land. Pegasus ponies have nice wings. But none of the three have got hands," Shield began to sing aloud swaying his head to the words. Spear ceased his self-inflicting migraine activity and turned his attention to his earth pony friend, raising an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Shield, what the hell are you doing?", Spear asked shaking his head. Shield stopped singing and turned his head to look at Spear as he got up onto his feet.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm singing a classic," the earth stallion replied with a cheeky smile.

"Well don't do it, Shield. If any of the other guards come past the gates and hear you singing, they'll come and ask us what the Tartarus we're doing besides not doing our job. What are we going to tell them then?", Spear said waving a hoof to emphasize his point.

"Hey, I'm just trying to liven things up around here," Shield replied trotting over to Spear ad leaning against the wall beside him. "Usually at least somepony comes or goes through those gates and says either 'hi' or 'goodbye' to us. After you of course, that's the only bit of conversation I have while standing at the gate."

"Well, that's what we get paid to do. To guard the gate leading into one of the most secure places in all of Equestria after Celestia upped the patrols and Changeling detection magic protocols," Spear He brought a hoof to the back of his helmet, rubbing the spot he'd been head-banging. "And we guard the gate as such because you and I are the comical do-it-all duo that the higher ranking officers pile the crappy jobs onto." He got up onto his feet and leaned his body against the wall as well.

"Yeah. Captain Copper Hoof is a real jerk," said Shield with a frown. "You know he made me clean the toilets with a toothbrush nearly a month back, right?". Spear gave him a startled look, and Shield explained. "He lost a game of tic-tac-toe to a chicken, so he took his frustration out on me." Shield shuddered as though a ice cold chill had run down his spine. "I was in that room for five hours scrubbing the place from top to bottom. I saw things in those toilets that raises serious health-related questions as to what exactly Chef puts in our food that makes it all so 'special'..."

Spear gagged and turned his head away, waving a hoof dismissively at Shield. "Unnngh, I don't even want to imagine let alone know. I'm just glad I order my food from takeaways." He suddenly then froze. "Wait, 'tic-tac-toe' with a chicken?", Spear muttered.

Shield ignored him and sighed. "You know, the rest of the squad'll be doing something exciting while we're stuck out here. Last I heard from Sharp Edge and Arrow Bolt, they were called in to help with handling a hostage situation over at Donut Joe's."

Spear's ears perked up. "Donut Joe's Donuts? What's going on over there?", he wondered, concerned for the well-being of his favorite hangout in Canterlot.

Shield shrugged. "Meh, some pink pony with ADHD was holding it hostage after some disagreement over superior pastries or something along those lines. Whatever it was it must have been pretty serious. I remember seeing Sharp Edge taking tear gas grenades with him before we came here for our shift."

Spear whistled, impressed. "Dayum. If they need tear gas grenades, then the pink pony's gotta be Pin -"

"Hey, officers! Can I get some help please?"

Spear and Shield turned their heads towards the road that led to the city's gate, and saw a white-coated pegasus walking towards them. They were quite perplexed by the way he walked, since most ponies would normally walk on all fours rather than just their hindlegs. And they were more confused by the fact that his hindlegs bent the wrong way as well. He had a blue marking on his chest, as well as on the tips of his wings.

The stallion approached the two guards with a cheery smile on his face. "Excuse me, officers? Can I pick your brains for a second?", he asked them politely.

Spear and Shield looked at each other before looking back at him. "Er, yeah sure. What's the matter, civilian?", Spear asked. Shield was looking the stallion up and down, sizing him up and checking him for anything suspicious. Besides the obvious anatomy anomaly.

"Do you guys know where the 'Baker's Baker's Dozen' bakery is here in Canterlot?", the stallion questioned them.

Spear turned around as he answered the pegasus. "Oh yeah, sure. What you wanna do, is take a right once you go through the gate. Keep going along the road until you come to the third intersections, and go another right, and you'll find yourself on..."

"Hey! He's not casting a shadow!"

Spear spun around and looked at Shield in surprise at his sudden outburst. "What was that?"

"He's not casting a shadow, Spear!", Shield repeated pointing a hoof at the pegasus.

Spear looked down at his feet, and sure enough the stallion had no shadow beneath him at all. Spear shrugged his shoulders. "Big deal, Shield. So he's got no shadow?". Spear turned his head to look behind himself. "I mean we're probably not even casting sha..."

Spear trailed off into silence when he noticed his black silhouette on the ground. He glanced behind Shield, and sure enough his friend was casting a shadow too. Spear looked up to the sky, and saw the sun was positioned directly above the three of them. He returned his attention to the pegasus, his eyes filled with awe.

"Holy mother of Lady Faust and Hasbro, you're right! He's really not casting a shadow!"

Shield shot Spear a look of confusion. "Who or what is Hasbro?"

Shield wagged a hoof in front of his face. "Nopony that need be spoken of again."

Author's Note

Based on the 'Civilian Protection = Shadow of a Doubt' machinima. You can find it on YouTube. Wath it, it's very funny. Seriously.

Chapter Two to come along soon. Also, if you haven't guessed already, the pegasus who isn't casting a shadow is my OC, Unique. Bow to him, for he is more awesome and better-looking than that sad excuse of a pony that Mandopony has. Har har har!

Chapter Two - "Wait, can we arrest him for that?"

"How the hell are you doing that!?", Shield exclaimed in amazement, hoof pointing at the anthro pegasus. "How are you not casting a shadow? That is so cool and so weird and unnerving at the same time!"

The winged stallion gazed down at the floor. "Um, I don't know. I mean, I'm pretty sure I had a shadow an hour ago. Maybe it's just bad light or something?", he said with a shrug.

Shield rubbed his chin in thought. "But it's high noon almost. The sun is practically above us all. Even from that angle you'd still have to have a shadow projected. So how it is scientifically possible that you don't have a shadow when we do is bizarre." Shield looked down and shook his head. "Geez, Twilight would have a field day with this one, I tell ya..."

Spear scoffed. "Oh come on, Shield. Don't play dumb. Everypony knows that it's impossible for anypony to not have a shadow."

"Well, OBVIOUSLY it's possible, Spear!", Shield dejected, pointing at the winged stallion who looked back at them both with a look of confusion. "See? He's doing it right now! Just look down!"

Spear scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, there is that one exception, I guess."

Shield nodded, and then spun around to face the pegasus. "So, how is it you're not casting a shadow then, huh? You some kind of Changeling or something?". A second after he said that, Shield quickly stepped back from the pegasus, raising a foreleg defensively. "Woah, hang on. ARE you a Changeling? Is it why you have no shadow?".

The pegasus' eyes widened. "What? Do I look like some kind of chitinous bug to you?", he exclaimed gesturing to himself.

Shield grabbed his spear and pointed the sharp tip towards the pegasus, who immediately threw his arms up in the air. "I don't know. Maybe you are a Changeling. It'd be a good explanation why you're walking on two legs instead of four! It's not normal, and you STILL aren't casting a shadow! Yeah, I think you are a Changeling!"

Spear waved a hoof dismissively. "No, no, no, Shield. Changeling's still cast a shadow even if they disguise themselves. And contrary to popular belief Changelings can't actually change their appearance entirely, at least not to the extent that most ponies believe."

Shield looked away from the pegasus to his friend, an eyebrow raised. "What do you mean?", he asked.

"Well, Changelings can only change the way they look, but they can't change their physical design as most ponies mistakenly assume. They can make themselves look like stallions or mares, but they can't make themselves look like, say, a Manticore or a Minotaur for example as it would mean altering their original body and structure, a trait that does not compliment their illusion-based disguises. That was why they didn't send an ordinary Drone to masquerade as Cadence during the Changeling Invasion; because a normal Drone isn't as tall as an Alicorn, and since Queen Chrysalis is the only Changeling who is as tall as one, it makes sense she would pose as her. A Changeling can't alter their size to accommodate their disguise, which was why they never adopt the appearance of the Princesses or any other tall ponies. Since our friend here is walking on two legs as if it were natural, I think it is safe to assume that he can't be a Changeling."

Both the pegasus and Shield stared at Spear, eyes widened, jaws hanging open, faces expressing surprise and awe.

Spear glanced from one to the other. "What?", he asked shrugging a foreleg. " I can know stuff. Did you also know Changelings can only adopt the appearances of ponies of the same gender as themselves? Also, even when a Changeling is wearing its disguise, you can tell it apart from a real pony by feeling it's back. A disguised Changeling's back will feel like gossamer fabric. You know, like light gauze material."

The other two stallions stared at him for a while longer before both shook their heads. "Okay, I'll take your word for it," Shield replied, lowering his spear away from the pegasus. "So what other reason could there be to explain why you haven't got a shadow then?"

"Look officers, I'm sure this whole thing about me not having a shadow is fascinating to you both and all," the pegasus spoke up, slowly walking past the two guards, "but I really got someplace else to be, so if I could just be on my way that'd be gre-URK!"

The pegasus barely got five steps past the guards before Shield grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. "Oh no, you're not going anywhere until we figure out what the hell's going on here, pal!", Shield growled.

"Oh! What if he's not casting a shadow because he's actually just a magically conjured illusion?", Spear exclaimed. Maybe some unicorn is messing with us and this guys not really real!"

But Shield shook his head. "I just grabbed him, Spear. He's real all right. Flesh and blood and skin." He narrowed his eyes at the pegasus. "No, he's just screwing us around, that's all he's doing." Shield raised his spear up at the pegasus again. "I don't like being posted at the gate for guard duty, but I don't like being screwed with even more," he snarled.

The white anthro pegasus threw his arms up in front of him and waved them wildly. "Wait a minute! I'm not trying to mess with you guys! I really don't know why I haven't got a shadow! I told you both, I had one earlier and now I just, well, don't! I mean, come on! Is it really that big of a deal if I have one or not? It's not like it's a crime or anything, right?"

Shield and Spear glanced at one another, and their eyes trailed back over to the pegasus. "I don't know," Shield said, giving the stallion a suspicious look. "We've never had to deal with this kind of thing before."

"Well, if he really has no control over whether he has a shadow or not, we can't blame him or fault him, Shield," Spear stated. "We can't arrest him for not having a shadow." Spear brought a hoof to his chin. "Wait, CAN we arrest him for that?", he wondered.

"NO!", the pegasus flailed his arms around in bewilderment. "You can't arrest me for not having a shadow! How does that even make sense!?"

"Says the pony who's walking on two legs that bend the wrong way, AND doesn't have a freaking shadow!", answered back Shield. He walked behind the pegasus and held the tip of his spear up against the pegasus' back. "Okay enough of this crap, I'm taking him in. On the plus side, he'll be a good excuse to get out of guard duty for a while at least."

The anthropomorphic pony tried to turn around, but a sharp prod in the rear made him squeak and jump. "Ow! Hey, you can't do this! You can't take me in without a proper charge!", he yelled. "This is ridiculous!"

"He's got a point, Shield," Spear said. "I mean, 'walking without a shadow' doesn't sound like much of a charge when you say it aloud."

Shield glared at his partner. "Come on, Spear! Don't take his side on this! You're the one who noticed he lacked a shadow in the first place!"

"I'm not taking sides, Shield, I'm just saying we should think of a better reason for bringing him in that the captain won't brush off as stupidity when we write up our report later," Spear replied.

Shield face-hoofed and brought the spear away from the pegasus' back. "Uuuuurgh, fine. Give me a minute I'll think of something." He closed his eyes and rubbed the undersides of his chin as he pondered. A few moments later, he opened his eyes as an idea came to him.

"Okay, what if we charge him with 'distracting an on-duty guard'? After all it's his fault we're not guarding the gate right now, right?", Shield suggested. The pegasus turned his head around to give Shield a deadpan expression.

"But you just said it yourself that your friend brought the whole thing up to begin with," he reminded him. "I never mentioned anything about my shadow going missing."

Shield rolled his eyes. "Fine, then how about, um, 'blocking a public road'? You're standing in the middle of the road, you now. What if a cart carrying important medical supplies that could potentially save a little foals life came along? You'd be preventing it from getting into the city!"

The pegasus threw his arms in the air for the umpteenth time. "That wasn't a problem earlier! And you're both standing in the middle of the road yourselves! And we could simply step aside anyways!", he yelled. "Look, guys, I don't know if you're on some kind of medication and you simply forgot to take it this morning, but all I want to do is go into Canterlot. That's ALL I wanted to do, and you've kept me here all because of something I can't explain and have no control over! Are you both mad? Do you not see the ridiculousness of all of this?" His face turned a slight shade of red as his bottled frustration was vented out.

Shield and Spear looked to each other, and for a moment it appeared as though they were truly taking the anthro pegasus' words to heart and realizing how silly this entire ordeal had been. But then Shield returned his gaze back to the pegasus and lifted his spear up again.

"Well, I can charge you with 'making fun of an officer', so you're going to have to come with me now, buddy," Shield said with a smirk.

"Oh, come on!", the pegasus shouted, but Shield motioned for him to start moving, and with the spear tip pointed directly at him, the pegasus sighed and admitted defeat, turning around to begin marching off towards the gates.

Suddenly, Spear's eyes went wide with surprise, and he shot his hoof out to point at the pegasus' feet. "Hey, wait a minute! His shadow's come back!"

Author's Note

Third and last chapter coming soon.

If anyone reading this story, for whatever reason, found this to be uninteresting, distasteful, or a terrible example of literary writing, please send your complaints to the Chuckle Brothers, courtesy of the BBC.

Sincerely, UniqueSKD.

(phones rings)

Hello? No. I'm not wearing any knickers...