Obama Returns to Equestria

by a human

Chapters

- ACT I -
Ditzy's Decision
Twilight's Time
Applejack's Artillery
Celestia's Certification
Sweetie's Song
Luna's Secret
Obama's Revelation
- ACT II -
Obama's Return
Spike's Lament

- ACT I -

Act I

"Wait, this story has acts?"
-everyone, presumably

Ditzy's Decision

There were no such thing as stars in Equestria.

There were no other planets, no other suns.

The "sun" was a ball of fire Celestia made. The "stars" were only the small dots of light Luna painted on the sky, sometimes in vaguely obscene patterns.

"Planets," in fact, didn't even exist outside of fantasy stories. Equestria was flat, and you could hit the edge of the world if you traveled far enough.

Was this superstition? Not at all. In Equestria, this was the hard, cold reality.

Their world was a façade.

And only a few knew of worlds that were not façades.

– – – –

Ditzy, formerly Dr. Ditzy Do, huddled in a corner in a padded cell. She kept her eyes shut, but she knew it was useless. She could see straight through her eyelids.

Without drugs, sleep was impossible. Turning the lights off only helped so much when you could clearly see through walls. And it hardly helped that all she had a good view of was other mental patients' rooms. They were much more unkempt than her, and, if you asked her, with much less of an excuse.

She was one of the few patients that looked forward to the attendant's visits.

She heard a knock.

"Come in, please."

A couple locks clicked open. Simple Ethics, the main doctor, followed by a couple nervous attendants, entered.

Ditzy spoke first. "So, what'll it be today? Electroshock therapy? Chemicals? Brain analysis? Eye gouging? I'm up for anything. But do please use sharper blades this time. We don't want my eyeballs breaking them again."

Simple cleared her throat.

Ditzy pursed her lips. "No."

Simple glanced at an envelope in her coat. "You saw it, then?"

"Of course I saw it. You open the thing in seven of eight branches, and it's only three seconds in the future. I could see it with my eyes closed—literally." Ditzy glared. "Still, I want to hear you say it out loud."

Simple decided against actually opening the envelope, and instead met Ditzy eye to abomination-eye. "Ditzy Do," she said, "we're releasing you."

Ditzy paused. "Why?"

"What? You don't know?"

"I can see the future, not hear it. Please, continue."

Simple looked to the side. "Well, the thing is," she said, scratching the side of her neck, "you're just too sane for this mental ward."

Ditzy paused, longer this time. "Excuse me?"

"For Celestia's sake, look at you. You're sitting there, making complete sentences, and all your bodily fluids are where they're supposed to be. You're not even trying to strangle me."

Ditzy glared. "It's taking considerable restraint, trust me."

Simple Ethics rolled her eyes. "That's not the main problem, though," she said. "You see… we checked out your prophecies. You remember, the ones you ranted at that secretary until she lost it, brought you here, and admitted herself to the room next door?"

"Yes, of course I remember. She cries herself to sleep every night, lucky bastard. And?"

The doctor took a breath. "They're completely correct. Everything checked out."

Ditzy paused. "Excuse me?" she said again.

"Well, after you successfully predicted the death of that one janitor, we told your prophecies to all the employees. They tried to avoid them, and guess what? For the last couple months, we've had the best safety record we've had for 300 years. Two straight weeks without a decapitation! Can you believe it? And your stock market predictions have been particularly accurate. The humans can say goodbye to their currency value, that much's for sure."

"Okay," Ditzy said, "but what about the one where Equestria becomes a giant wasteland? Surely you didn't verify that."

"One of the interns is a batpony. His name was (3.5+2i), if I remember right. He asked Luna about it, and she said it seemed likely."

Ditzy reeled. "Seemed likely?"

"You see branches of the future, not the definitive future, right?" Simple said. "It seems likely at least one of those branches ends up with Equestria exploding. Honestly, between the humans, Celestia's death, and that awful tower that raises the sun, I'm surprised we aren't dead already."

"So? Your point?"

Simple sighed. "My point is, even if you're wrong, it's one bad prediction out of fifty good ones," she said. "Face it, Ditzy. You're not insane. You can actually see the future."

Ditzy was getting desperate. "But… but… it's extremely traumatizing! I can see straight through my eyelids! I can't sleep! I see death and destruction everywhere I go! Do you know how many timeline branches end in carnage?"

Simple shook her head. "Try an optometrist?"

"I did, you moron! I broke the equipment!" Ditzy yelled. "And that pink pony changed more than my eyes! She went inside me and screwed with my insides. Probably my head, too. Isn't that enough!?"

"If we committed all the ponies Pinkie Pie made a bit unhinged, we'd have to commit most of Equestria," Simple said. "Now, we've tried to be accepting. None of us quite believed you when you said you were insane, but at your behest, we've run every test in the book on you. We even doctored the results to help you fail. And you know what? You didn't. Nearly all your predictions turned out to be correct, and you acted on that knowledge in a very prudent and mature way."

Ditzy wondered exactly what she considered "prudence."

"If anything, your problem is that, considering what you've been through, you're too sane," Simple said. "Which sucks, I guess, but when you're taking up space that could be used to treat, say, a deranged heterosexual, I can't really sympathize." She glared. "So. Get. Out."

– – – –

Ditzy stood outside the hospital, a bit flummoxed.

Now what? She thought the hospital would be able to help her with her condition. She thought they would know something. She thought they at least wouldn't… outright refuse.

Admittedly, it was a bit better than before. She had learned how to basically focus her vision on the present—but it was still not acceptable by any means. Setting foot in a city, or even a small town was a nightmare. The more living things interacted, the more timeline branches there were, and the more difficult it became to focus on the one she was currently in. That was when her vision darted through all time, and she saw hideous things.

During her worst breakdown, she saw that vision.

~ ~ ~ ~

Rubble, everywhere, smoke, everywhere, lightning, everywhere, death, everywhere…

"___________?" Twilight said, her ______ flared, her ethereal _____________ the most arcane secrets of mathematics. "________?"

______ smiled. "_________."

_____ roared, and—

~ ~ ~ ~

That was it. That was all she saw. And there was so much missing. She couldn't read lips, so she couldn't tell what they were saying, and so many of the details faded away right afterwards. Everything she saw that day faded away, to be honest—there was just so much of it. She was pretty sure most of it was gibberish, but this… this, she felt, was important. She could vaguely sense how likely any given future was, and with this future, that sense overpowered her.

No change, no matter how big, could stop it from happening. Nothing.

She had to try, though.

And there was only one person that could help her with that.

She set off to Rarity's house.

– – – –

Sometimes, Ditzy wondered how Rarity had held the Doctor captive for so long. After all, he was an adventurer through time and space. He had presumably encountered foes worse than a fashion designer with a black belt in karate. She wasn't even particularly intelligent, unless you considered the ability to find double entendres in nearly everything a form of intelligence…

Ditzy shook her head. She was becoming distracted. She needed to focus on serious business.

Like rescuing the Doctor from Rarity's sex dungeon—which was very possibly her living room.

………

It wasn't completely implausible.

Ditzy stared at the Carousel Boutique, attempting to focus her eyes. She broadened her vision, slowly, so she wouldn't have a repeat of last time. She tried to focus on a different time—the future. The near future.

When she felt she had a fairly good grasp on the time, she slowly looked at the front door.

There, she saw it. Herself, trying to break into the boutique in about 20 different ways. She looked through the different branches, trying to find the successful one, preferably one that would require no equipment…

There.

She took a step back, then kicked the front door, dead center, with all her might, forcing it open.

There always seemed to be a couple branches like that, where doing something completely random would be the most efficient way of accomplishing your goal. It was almost like someone had littered Equestria with cheat codes or something…

Then Ditzy looked at the door and realized it had been unlocked.

"Oh," she said, embarrassed, and tried to quietly close the door again. Then, she turned around, and nearly jumped out of her skin.

There was a filly, about 14 years old, staring right into Ditzy's face. The thing was, Ditzy didn't see her come in. She hadn't even seen a single timeline branch where anyone was home.

"You're here to rescue that stallion, aren't you?" the filly said.

It must've been Sweetie Belle, Rarity's sister. Ditzy had heard the rumors, of course—that she was a robot, demon, or some combination thereof—but she never believed them.

Not until now, at least.

Sweetie Belle looked normal, but somehow, she hit the uncanny valley right in the fourth dimension. Something about the way she moved was just off. Ditzy had never really noticed before, but with her improved vision, it was impossible not to. It was… unsettling.

Not to mention, she apparently had the ability to subvert Ditzy's ability to see the future.

"You're Derpy, aren't you? That mailmare? You know that stallion, right?"

She wasn't even doing it intentionally. It was like it was just how she was made. Ditzy hadn't realized how much she had come to depend on her future vision until now, when she had it stripped from her…

"Derpy? Are you okay?"

"It's Dr. Do," Ditzy corrected, automatically. She wasn't sure what to say. "Er, sorry about the door."

"It's okay," Sweetie Belle said. "It'll cut into Rarity's sex toy budget for the next couple months, which should do wonders for my ability to sleep. Follow me."

Sweetie Belle began walking through the foyer to some stairs. Ditzy warily followed. "Why are you helping me?"

"Mainly? Because Rarity says you're bad news," Sweetie Belle said. "But also… " She looked down. "I feel bad for that stallion."

Ditzy raised an eyebrow. "Really."

"I know, it's a bit late to help," Sweetie Belle said, ascending the stairs. "For a long time, I never gave it much thought. I looked at what Rarity was doing, and I knew it was wrong. But, well, I knew Celestia did stuff like that to unwind, so what was wrong with anyone else doing it?" She stopped. "Then Celestia died. And I started to realize… maybe everything she did wasn't right."

Ditzy scoffed, and continued climbing up. "I suppose something good came out of this Twilight's ridiculous coup d'état, then…"

Sweetie Belle looked confused. "'This' Twilight?"

Ditzy tried to think of a logical way to explain her circumstances. "I… came from another universe. The Doctor did too, I think."

Sweetie Belle continued looking confused. "The Doctor?"

Ditzy looked back. "You know. That stallion. Don't you know his name?"

"Don't you?"

Ditzy stopped. She thought about it. "Er, no," she said. "I think he said something about the universe exploding if anyone finds out his real name. Which may or may not have been a euphemism for some family coming to visit, now that I think about it…"

Sweetie Belle thought about it, shrugged, and stepped onto the second floor. "Anyway, he's up here. Second door from the end. You should probably… see him yourself first."

That worried Ditzy. "Thanks." She walked towards the door, then stopped. "Er, wait a second. Aren't you going to ask about my eyes?"

"What's there to ask?" Sweetie Belle said. "Pinkie Pie did something to them, right? We'll probably never know what happened to them. At least not until Equestria explodes or something."

Ditzy attempted to ignore that. She turned around, approached the door, trying to not focus on what was inside, and opened it.

It was a small, windowless, badly plastered room, almost completely empty save for the Doctor. Saying he looked bad was a bit of an understatement. His legs were chained to the floor, and his forelegs were chained to the wall behind him, forcing him upright. He hung in his restraints, limp but breathing. In front of him, on the floor, were two dog bowls, one filled with a pittance of water, the other with a pittance of dog food. They looked like they had been untouched for weeks. The smell of the room made it clear that Rarity didn't let him out nearly as much as she should.

"How the hell is this legal?" Ditzy said, getting to work on the first of the restraints.

"Guess who. Besides, in general, it's basically impossible to arrest an Element of Harmony," Sweetie Belle said, working on the other side. "Even with all the work Twilight and Obama have done to reduce corruption, there's still a lot of favoritism…"

"Thanks Obama," Ditzy muttered, undoing the next restraint.

"I mean, Rarity isn't exactly hiding this, either. She is trying to create controversy, after all. You know, so she can sell more of her clothing line," Sweetie Belle said. "One magazine did a whole color spread on this arrangement here. Celestia actually wrote to them about it."

That caught Ditzy's attention. "What? Really? What'd she say?"

"'lol.'" Sweetie Belle paused. "Then she suggested a better brand of manacle."

Ditzy started working with extra fervor. "Don't worry! I'm getting you out of this hellhole, Doctor!"

Sweetie Belle was on the last restraint on her side. She was working a little faster than Ditzy because she actually had the key. "I don't even get why Rarity's doing this, really. I mean, her clothes are good enough to sell on their own merits, and her torture arrangements are pretty mediocre…"

Ditzy raised an eyebrow. "Mediocre? And you would know this how?"

Sweetie Belle stopped. "What? How do you not? We learn all about Celestia's dungeons in school. There's even some hands-on parts. Diamond Tiara has Rarity beat, I'll tell you that much. Dear Celestia I hated that semester…"

Ditzy gaped. "I… went to private school," she managed.

Finally, they finished off the restraints, and the Doctor flopped onto the floor.

Ditzy rushed to grab him. "It'll be okay…"

"I'll go get some water," Sweetie Belle said, running out.

Ditzy, unable to object, stayed behind, staring at the Doctor. He looked so tired, his body so ravaged… she could've sworn she could see his ribcage.

She briefly wondered how anyone could find any of this arousing.

Sweetie Belle ran in with a small cup, probably from the restroom. "Here," she said, offering it to the Doctor, who immediately grabbed it and guzzled it down.

Ditzy started. "Wait, slow down, it's—"

"Let him have his water," Sweetie Belle said. "He doesn't get enough, I'll tell you that much."

Ditzy decided against going into a long medical lecture. "When's Rarity getting home, anyway?"

"A while. She dropped by Canterlot, to visit Twilight, and apparently they're visiting the old castle. With all the space bending tricks in that place, they'll be at least an hour, plus train time." She looked up, lost in thought. "Unless Twilight gets tired of her shit again, and teleports her straight here…"

Ditzy blanched. "Let's hurry up, why don't we?" she said. She couldn't see any branches where Rarity came out of nowhere, but she wanted to play it safe. If she couldn't see Sweetie Belle's future, maybe Rarity had a similar ability. Maybe that's how she held the Doctor for so long… "Where's the TARDIS? It's in here somewhere, isn't it?"

Sweetie Belle just stared.

Ditzy attempted to gesture a box-like shape. "It's this… big… blue… thing. He probably, you know, came in it…"

Sweetie Belle continued staring.

"No, I mean, it's like a box. A time machine box. He… arrived here inside of it."

"Oh! That!" Sweetie Belle said. "I thought… nevermind." She walked out. "Life with Rarity…" she muttered.

Ditzy followed, dragging the Doctor behind her. She shuddered, imagining what Sweetie Belle's childhood must've been like.

By time she got out, Sweetie Belle had opened Rarity's bedroom door, and was rushing back to help Ditzy. As soon as she was near enough, she got the other side of the Doctor, and they trudged towards the bedroom.

Finally, they entered it. Ditzy cringed.

Sweetie Belle noticed. "What? What's wrong?"

Ditzy tried to think of a delicate way to say that she could currently see all the sex Rarity had for the last week. She gave up. "I can see all the sex Rarity had for the last week," she said. "These eyes? They can see the past, present, and future simultaneously."

"That sounds… confusing."

"Please, by all means, file a complaint with Pinkie Pie," Ditzy said. "For now, let's focus on getting the Doctor out of here." She looked around the room, searching for the TARDIS. Was that a bright pink monster truck in the corner…?

"It's over here," Sweetie Belle said, pointing towards the opposite corner of the room. "Probably don't want to look around too much, especially if you can see the past week."

"Trust me," Ditzy said, "that doesn't help." She turned to Sweetie Belle. "You do have the key for the thing, right?"

"Rarity keeps it unlocked. It's bigger on the inside, so she uses it as extra closet space."

"Brilliant," Ditzy seethed. They sat the Doctor against the TARDIS, and he leaned against the side, breathing heavily. "Anyway, thank you for your help. I mean it."

Sweetie Belle blushed a bit. "Oh. Th-Thanks."

"Sorry, but we'll probably not meet again," Ditzy said, opening the TARDIS door. "Let me know if you want a lottery ticket from the future or something, though. You may think time travelers have an ethical objection to that kind of thing, but well, I'm not really a time traveler, I just board with one."

"It's okay," Sweetie Belle said, sounding a bit disappointed. "Actually… there is one thing."

Ditzy looked back. "What?"

Sweetie Belle fidgeted. "Look… because you seem to know some things about the universe, and… you have those eyes…" She composed herself, and looked up. "Can you tell me something?"

Ditzy began to get a bit worried. "What?"

Sweetie Belle gulped. "Why… why do people think I'm a demon?" She looked down. "Or sometimes a robot?"

Ditzy paused.

"It's happened ever since I've been a kid. I'd say it's a conspiracy, but… I don't think so. Even complete strangers act scared of me sometimes, and they have no reason to." She looked at Ditzy. "Can you… can you see anything? Am I different somehow?" She paused. "I mean, I'm not really a demon, am I?"

Ditzy stared at her. "Well, you're not a robot, I can tell you that much," she said. "You do have internal organs."

Sweetie Belle visibly sighed in relief.

"As for a demon? I'm not sure. I've never seen a demon before. I'm not even sure they exist, but, well, after everything I've seen…" Ditzy shook her head. "Anyway, your physiology doesn't seem different from any other pony."

Sweetie Belle's eyes were practically glowing. "Really?"

"But," Ditzy said, "there is something off about you. Something about… just the way you move is different than anything I've seen. Everyone else I've seen acts kind of… predictable. You don't. It's like everyone else is being swept along by a giant river, and you don't even realize the water's there. Maybe you have more free will then everyone else. I don't know. That can be bad, but…" She looked at the Doctor. "It can also be good."

Sweetie Belle was silent. "Thank you," she said.

Ditzy nodded, and closed the TARDIS door. Sweetie Belle watched in awe as the machine faded away.

"Who are you…?"

– – – –

The next couple weeks were remarkably dull. As soon as Ditzy brought the Doctor inside the TARDIS, the vehicle went into auto nurse mode, and put the Doctor through a drawn out recovery routine. While he was busy getting meticulously fed, exercised, and monitored, Ditzy had nothing better to do than wander through the place.

It was odd. Ditzy thought the TARDIS was going to be utterly terrifying with her new eyes, but it was actually quite relaxing. It had a certain order to it. There were no timeline branches in the TARDIS—just one single locked possibility, as if the vehicle knew its path from the very beginning of its existence and stuck to it. Maybe she would ask the Doctor about it when he got better.

Most relaxing of all, though, was that she couldn't see through the damn thing. Whatever the TARDIS was made of, it was some strong stuff. Normally, when she was in a room, Ditzy could see not only into to the next room, but into the next couple houses. In the TARDIS, she could usually see just a room ahead, and she couldn't see the outside at all. She would have to look into what caused that later, and see if she could use it to restrain her eyes somehow…

That could wait, though. For now, there was nothing to do but wait. Wait for the Doctor to get better and fix everything.

For now, she could rest, for the first time in years…

– – – –

Ditzy found herself, once again, reading that book about trains. It seemed to follow her around, like the one ring. This time, though, it wasn't a burden. This time, the plot actually seemed to make sense, and the author seemed remarkably lucid.

Then Ditzy realized she wasn't focusing enough, and was reading at least 20 pages at once.

She leaned over and massaged her forehead. She had a slight headache, both from the book and the makeshift glasses she had made. She had attached part of a blast shield to her face. It did effectively limit her vision, but it wasn't exactly comfortable.

Then, she heard a sound, and turned around.

There he was.

The Doctor.

He wasn't quite in his old health, but he looked significantly better than he did at Rarity's. His coat was full, his hair was smooth, and his ribcage no longer protruded, among other things. The main difference was his face. He looked tired, more tired than Ditzy had ever seen him. There was a certain twinkle in his eye that now appeared to be absent. Ditzy had never even realized it was there before, but now, its absence was unmistakable.

"My god," he said, "you're still reading that book? And what's that on your face?"

"Shut up," Ditzy said, ecstatic. "Let me have a look at you."

She got up to hug the Doctor, but he immediately winced.

"Oh," Ditzy said, backing away. "Sorry, I…"

"No, it's okay," the Doctor said. "We… we should talk. Want to get something from the kitchen? I have something I want to ask you."

– – – –

Ditzy's jaw hung ajar, letting a cracker fall to the floor.

"'Now what?'" she said. "That's what you wanted to ask me? Now what?"

"Yes," the Doctor said, stirring around some tea. "I'm… not exactly sure what to do now."

Ditzy paced, trying to think of something. "Aren't there mysteries of the universe to unravel? People to save? What about me? What about my timeline? The world I came from? Can't we get that back?"

"Your timeline's shot, Ditzy," the Doctor said. "If I ever said otherwise, it was to raise your spirits."

Ditzy blinked. She had suspected as much, but she couldn't believe how forward the Doctor was being. "It… was?"

"Sorry," he said. "Even if we got it back, what then? Two timelines can't exist at once. Getting your timeline back would be the same as destroying this one. Do you really want to have that on your conscience?"

Ditzy almost spoke, but stopped.

"And mysteries? What mysteries? This universe is a prison. A prison I made," the Doctor said, leaning back. "I don't even remember it, but I wanted to lock something horrible in here, and clearly, I succeeded. This world was a sacrifice to save mine. I accomplished my goal. I accomplished it long ago." He looked at Ditzy. "So now what? Now what do I do?"

Ditzy paused. There was so much she wanted to do, so much she wanted to investigate, but first, she wanted to get his spirits up. "Well, you don't need to go back to work saving the universe right away…"

– – – –

The Doctor looked unimpressed.

"Las Pegasus?" he said, squinting at the horrible tackiness of Equestria's most magical city™. "You think Las Pegasus is going to raise my spirits?"

Ditzy pushed up her sunglasses, which the Doctor had hastily made from the strongest and densest metal in the universe. It was a little overkill, but she had to admit, Las Pegasus gained a certain veneer of respectability when you couldn't see any of it. "It worked for me once," she said. "You know what they say. What happens in Las Pegasus stays in Las Pegasus."

"That's actually a law, you know. The interpretations of it have been quite… creative."

"See?" Ditzy said. Then, she noticed that the Doctor wasn't speaking, and in fact seemed to be busy hyperventilating. She decided to lift her glasses to see who spoke.

"Hi," Celestia said, an inch from her face.

Ditzy jumped back, screaming, sending her sunglasses flying. "I… what!? But… you're…!?"

"Dead?" Celestia stood up and started giggling, which was known to cause spontaneous heart attacks. "I'm immortal. I got better," Celestia said, towering over the two. "I mean, really. I've been hiding long enough, haven't I?" She leaned in.

Ditzy blinked. She was a bit intimidated by the sheer amount of ways Celestia was planning to dismember her. "Er, yes, I suppose so," she stammered, but Celestia seemed to want more. "…it seems more like your style to come back on a themed day, like Friday the 13th, though."

Celestia paused. "Today is Friday the 13th," she said, and suddenly all the timeline branches changed. "You don't know the date, do you?"

Ditzy froze.

Celestia smiled. "Are you… that time traveler?"

Ditzy's heart just about went out.

"Don't worry. I'm just kidding. Time travel's impossible, and it's not like I have any use for it," Celestia said. "I've got enough to worry about going through time in a straight line. Don't get all paranoid, like those humans. Ha! Like I would even want to invade their decrepit little world…" She smiled. "But I digress. Enjoy your stay in Las Pegasus. Gamble and kill hookers and stuff. By the way, what happened to your eyes?"

"Pinkie Pie happened," Ditzy said.

Celestia froze. Her eyes widened, but she attempted to compose herself. "Well then," she said, with unusual struggle, "stay the hell away from me. Am I clear?"

Ditzy hastily nodded. There wasn't much scarier than a scared Celestia. Because whatever scared her…

Celestia opened her wings, almost knocking everyone in the vicinity to the ground with the wind. "Goodbye," she said. "Royal duty calls. I've got go and harass more citizens. No one will believe I'm back if I don't!"

She laughed nervously, and took off at what must've been at least mach 10.

Ditzy could only stand there and gape—a fairly normal reaction to Celestia. She looked over to the Doctor, who appeared even more distraught than she was.

"I don't know about you," she said, "but I could certainly use a drink."

– – – –

In deciding which hotel to visit, the giant black pyramid with flames coming out the top seemed to choose itself.

"I need a drink," Ditzy said, slamming a completely random amount of bits on the counter of the bar. "I just saw Celestia. She talked to me. She was a couple inches from my face. I think you know what that can do to a pony."

The bartender turned around, his ears perking. "Celestia? Isn't she dead?"

"Apparently she's been in hiding this whole time just to screw with us."

The bartender thought about that. "That… sounds very plausible," he said. "Drink's on the house. Whatever you want."

Ditzy paused. She looked around a bit. "Are you sure?"

"If you're lying, Celestia will get hers eventually, even if she is dead," the bartender said. "Besides, you seem stressed enough. So, what'll it be?"

Ditzy raised her sunglasses and stared at the menu. She searched through the fabric of space-time, searched desperately for the drink that would most likely destroy her mind. "…I'll have the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, whatever that is."

"Good choice. Coming right up!"

The Doctor scrunched his eyebrows. Or, at least, since Ditzy put her sunglasses back on, she figured that vaguely eyebrow-scrunching-like sound was him. "They have those here?" he muttered.

Ditzy turned. "What, you've had it before?"

"Yes. Regrettably." He paused. "I thought they only existed in my universe…"

Ditzy froze. "Please don't tell me that my drink came through another rift in spacetime."

The Doctor shook his head. "Even if it did, it doesn't really matter," he said. "The multiverse isn't quite as stable as you'd think. Intentionally traveling between universes is nearly impossible, but I'm sure there's some flotsam that falls through the cracks occasionally, even without any rifts. In a larger universe you'd probably never notice, but here? It would all end up in this place."

"And this drink…?"

"Might be part of that. Or maybe some other people came here and brought it with them? Who knows. If anyone had a reliable way to travel across universes, they'd probably keep it a secret."

Ditzy thought. "I thought you said that was impossible."

"Nearly impossible. There's a difference."

The bartender came back and slammed the drink on the counter. The Doctor was worried about how green and glowing and boiling the drink was, but Ditzy still had her sunglasses on, so she couldn't see anything.

She took a sip. She shuddered. "Damn, that has a punch."

The bartender laughed. "Yeah," he said, "that should help you forget everything."

"You got that right," Ditzy said, taking another small, cautious sip.

The Doctor decided not to mention that, if made correctly, drinking three of those things would kill you.

The bartender scoffed. "If Celestia's really back, I feel sorry for Luna and Cadance, having to deal with her nonsense again…"

Ditzy heard the Doctor involuntarily freeze at the mention of Cadance. She decided to ignore it. "What, they can't just drink this stuff?"

"Nope," the bartender said. "Don't you know? Alicorns have perfect memory. They can't forget anything even if they want to. Celestia talks about stuff that happens thousands of years ago all the time, and if you look it up, she gets everything perfect. I mean, she might've forged half that history, but still, she remembers all of it."

"The joys of immortality," Ditzy said, taking another cautious sip. "The more I find out about alicorns, the more depressing it sounds. I'm surprised they don't just want to be put out of their misery."

"Got that right," the bartender said. "Oh, and I almost forgot."

He leaned over and ripped a feather off of Ditzy's wings.

"GAAH!" she screamed. "What the hell!?"

"You're straight, aren't you?" he said. "Extra 10% sales tax."

"How can you even tell!?"

"We can tell these things," the bartender said, vaguely.

If Ditzy heard that phrase one more time she swore she was going to punch someone. "But I didn't pay anything!"

"Well, if you get something for free, we have to take something. For pegasi, it's a feather, for unicorns, it's a bit off the tip of the horn, and for earth ponies it's their virginity."

"Wait, what—"

"You know the rules. 5% sales tax for gays, 10% sales tax for straights, and failing that, your firstborn. You don't want to give up your firstborn, do you?"

"But I don't have a—"

"If you don't have a firstborn, Celestia will make you have a firstborn. If she's back, that's the way it is."

"How does that even work!?"

A voice came from her side. "Check the featured box once in a while."

Ditzy turned, and raised her sunglasses. Staring back at her was a royal guard, what appeared to be a trashier earth pony version of Shining Armor. He was wearing some kind of name tag.

"Wall Breaker… the Fourth?"

"You'll understand when you're older," he said. "Look forward to my epic fight scene in the chapter after next! It's seriously heart wrenching!"

And, with that, he walked off.

"What. What!?"

The bartender shrugged. "You get used to it. He's one of the Three. Him and Spitfire got here earlier this morning. Now that I think about it, I bet they're here to celebrate Celestia coming back…"

Ditzy turned around. "Wait, what's the T—"

Then, she stopped.

"Doctor? Where are you?"

– – – –

Ditzy ran over every inch of the casino/hotel, yelling the Doctor's name, searching desperately for him. Nothing. Occasionally, she lifted her sunglasses, and attempted to sift through spacetime, seeing if she could catch a glimpse of him. No luck. There was simply too much information.

Her wing throbbed, still sore from having a feather torn right out of it. It briefly occurred to her that none of this would have happened if she hadn't completely blocked her vision with those sunglasses.

She shook her head. That was a useless thought. She couldn't deal with having that vision back all the time.

She just couldn't.

– – – –

After a while, Ditzy came to the conclusion that the best option would be to get a room at the hotel and wait it out. The TARDIS was still where they landed it, so the Doctor couldn't have gone far. Maybe he would turn up somewhere in the city.

Unfortunately, in absence of stairs, elevators, or even consistent hallways, the hotel had an hour-long gondola ride you had to sit through to get anywhere.

"This valley was originally colonized by Luna worshipers. They built a small, self-sustaining colony here, and even constructed a temple," the tour guide said, vaguely pointing at an artificial palm tree. "Of course, Celestia quickly put an end to that. She built one of her genetic experimentation labs around here and used them as test subjects. Then, the workers there got depressed, needed gambling and prostitution to keep going, and some entrepreneurial changelings went and started Las Pegasus."

"So it is a changeling conspiracy!" someone whispered.

"Don't worry," the tour guide said, "Las Pegasus is now completely pony owned." She paused. "Probably."

"But, but," someone said, raising a hoof, "how did the city become so popular when it was right next to one of Celestia's labs? I mean, they used the water supply for experiments and stuff, right?"

"Believer or not, the casinos used to use that as a selling point," the tour guide said. "They said that sometimes, Celestia's experiments would increase sexual stamina."

"Were they right?"

"Well, they weren't wrong…"

Ditzy tried her best not to listen. She knew everything she needed to about Celestia's depravity. Even before the giant tentacle monster, she was an ardent Luna supporter.

Bored, she lifted her sunglasses and looked through the past a bit, wondering what horrors the hotel/casino had seen. Other than the bouncers abusing their privileges a bit, there was surprisingly little. But then…

"Excuse me," she said, raising a hoof, "has anyone fallen from the 26th floor recently?"

The tour guide twitched. "Yes, about half a year ago," she said. "It was a real pain. She fell right into the buffet, and we had to rebuild the entire food court."

Ditzy raised an eyebrow. "Rebuild?"

The tour guide shrugged. "She was straight. She probably had pony AIDs." She resumed the tour. "Now, if you look to your left, you can see we have our very own electric chair, unused of course…"

– – – –

Ditzy's room, of course, was on the 26th floor. She didn't particularly want to think about how a completely flat gondola ride managed to get up that high. If she took her sunglasses off and stared at it a bit, she might have been able to figure it out, but for now, she wanted to keep her sanity a little longer. There was probably some horrible space bending magic going on, like what was in Canterlot Castle.

If that was the case, though, they should have been able to hide that huge ugly pillar in the middle of the building…

On the other hand, there was something she wanted to confirm. She lifted her sunglasses again.

Yes, the mare that "fell" from this floor had been pushed off by a couple bouncers. It was hard to make out anything distinct, but that much was clear. The hallways were nothing but giant balconies wrapped around the inner edges of the pyramid, presumably for maximum murder potential, so she wasn't really surprised, but still.

She sighed, stuck her key into the lock, and entered her room.

The room was a bit bigger than she needed, but she wanted to be prepared in case she found the Doctor. She sat on one of the beds and stared out the window, even though through the sunglasses, all she could see were vague blobs. It was incredible how little finding the Doctor had actually solved.

At that moment, she heard a sound, and turned around.

"Oh, sorry," a male voice said. "I thought the door was a closet, not… I didn't think the two rooms actually connected… nevermind. I'll go back to my room now…"

"It's okay," Ditzy said, distracted.

The figure seemed to pause. After a while, he said, "What do you think happens when you can't pay up here?"

"What?" Ditzy said.

Ditzy could hear the figure shake his head. "It's nothing," he said. "Good night."

And the door closed.

– – – –

The next day, Ditzy looked all over the pyramid casino/hotel and a couple others, but still could not find the Doctor. Hardly anyone had even seen a brown stallion, let alone the one she was looking for. It seemed completely hopeless.

Not to mention, that Wall Breaker guy kept appearing out of nowhere and completely throwing her off track.

"That tends to happen when your day long search is squished into a teeny tiny paragraph long montage," he said.

Ditzy was beginning to take the bartender's advice. She started ignoring him.

In absence of anything better to do, she decided to go see what was left of the old Luna worshiper colony. Maybe she would find some leads there—if not about the Doctor, about this world.

Finding it was easy enough. All she had to do was look for the giant scorch mark.

Not much was left aside from a couple twigs, but still, it was interesting for Ditzy. She was surprised they had even been able to make an encampment this large. She wondered what it was like, making a self-sustaining community and living completely separately from the rest of the world. She had to admit, the idea was beginning to appeal to her…

Then, she remembered, with her eyes, she could actually see the colony. She took off her sunglasses and focused on looking back, further and further, scrunching her eyes in concentration.

Unfortunately, before she could actually see the colony in action, she saw what Celestia did to it, and it just about made her vomit. She did not particularly need to know where the Timberwolves came from.

She didn't have the stomach to watch anymore, and focused back on the present. She leaned against a tree, panting.

It didn't seem like paradise anymore.

In the distance, she saw something moving, and just about had a heart attack. She calmed down a bit when she saw it was just a lost stallion.

She really needed to talk to someone. "Hey," she said. "Are you here for the colony too?"

He was silent, and started awkwardly fumbling towards her. It was a bit unsettling, especially since Ditzy could see just how close he came to tripping on nearly every part of the ground during the journey. The worst part was, she could see that whenever he fell over, he would stay there, futilely moving his legs like a turtle that had been flipped over. She wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with him, but she doubted alcohol alone could do that to someone.

"Are you okay?" she asked, nervous.

He started fumbling faster, more desperately. He had a look in his eyes that scared Ditzy to the bone. They were the eyes of small, helpless animal. They seemed too large, and contained no other emotion than fear. The sheer amount of desperation in his face was unlike anything Ditzy had seen. "A… ar… are… are…"

"What?"

The stallion jumped forward and grabbed her on the shoulders. She could see it coming, but she still could not get herself to move from that spot. He spoke in a voice that seemed to stay coherent with only the greatest effort. "Are you… my mother?"

Ditzy blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Mother?"

"What?"

"You left… mother."

"What are you talking about?"

"Are you… are…"

"Stop, get off!"

"Are you my mummy?"

"Stop it! Get away! There's a—!"

A knife flew through the air, jamming itself in the stallion's skull. He crumpled to the ground.

Ditzy collapsed.

She couldn't stop it. Dear Luna, she couldn't…

She tried to compose herself. She had seen worse. She looked at the corpse. She had seen worse.

Then, she turned to the source of the attack.

"Which is me," Wall Breaker said, leaning against a tree, smiling.

Ditzy was lost for words.

"Oh, don't get all 'lost for words' with me," he said. "Out with it."

She doubted her ability to get a comprehensible answer out of him, but decided to try her luck. "What… what was that?"

"A changeling. Look."

Ditzy looked over, and saw, in the place of the stallion, a small drone changeling with a knife in his head.

"Why didn't I…?"

"Sense he was a changeling? Who knows. The author probably wanted to limit your powers a bit. Can't have you be a total Mary Sue, after all." He appeared thoughtful. "Personally, though, I think it's too little too late, what with almost every person you've met being secretly in love with you…"

Ditzy took a deep breath. He was completely mental, yes, but he had a very high position and reflexes like the gods, so she had to deal with him. "Did you have to… kill him, though?"

"Oh, don't tell me you're a changeling sympathizer too."

Ditzy blinked. She didn't quite want to say "yes"…

Wall Breaker rolled his eyes. "Well trigger me pink, aren't you just so edgy and politically correct and all that crap? Anyway, don't worry. He's not dead."

"He's not?"

"Just watch." He edged over. "Oh, and thanks about the 'reflexes like the gods' thing, by the way."

Ditzy ignored that, and looked at the changeling. At first, it appeared nothing was happening, but when she looked at the scene closer, she could see the knife was slowly coming out of his head. She wondered how that was possible until the blade was almost completely out, and it was obvious that the changeling's skin was pushing it out. It was completely disgusting.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Wall Breaker said. "They're not immortal, but changelings can usually morph around lethal injuries to save themselves. Of course, if I stabbed him enough, I could kill him, but I'm not going to. You're going to need all the emotional strength you can get later this chapter."

The changeling regained consciousness, and immediately flew away.

"So why…"

"…did he harass you? Probably to enforce the… wait, changelings don't have a patriarchy, they're ruled by a queen. Nevermind!" Wall Breaker said. "No, seriously, though, ever since the changeling queen went missing, most the changeling drones have been a little wack. They do basically have a hive mind, you know. They're pretty much all useless by now."

"Changeling queen? Chrysalis? You mean Chrysalis is missing?"

Wall Breaker leaned right next to her ear. "I am being intentionally vague to avoid spoilers," he stage whispered. "This series does that constantly. It's like LOST, except there's actually a plan. Of course, most of it's red herrings."

"What?"

"If you're reading the crossover, take notes around here."

"What!?"

"Anyway, I've got to go to that place where characters go between scene breaks. I think it's somewhere near the comment box. I can always make out people complaining about Obama. And remember, for the scene after this: Cadance counts. Or is it Discord? Or the other Celestia?"

Ditzy just about had a heart attack. "The other what!?"

Wall Breaker shrugged. "Doesn't really matter, honestly. See you!"

And he ran off, laughing like a madman.

Ditzy shook her head. While talking to him was the most irritating thing she'd gone through in her life, he did seem to know something. She wondered if he had a similar power to hers. While most of what he said was complete gibberish, when he did say something lucid, it was almost too lucid, like he had some type of clairvoyance. And this clairvoyance seemed to manifest itself as… a delusion of being in a book, or something.

The fourth wall…

Ditzy shook her head. She couldn't let him get to her.

– – – –

Unsurprisingly, that night, Ditzy had trouble sleeping. Her mind kept going back to what happened at the colony. That changeling, hardly sentient… Wall Breaker… what was he trying to tell her? Cadance counts. Cadance counts. But apparently Discord and another Celestia had something to do with it. What did it mean?

While the idea of there being two Celestias scared Ditzy to the bone, she had to admit, after everything she had seen, it wouldn't exactly surprise her. Maybe she had backups in case her immortality failed or something?

And the Doctor seemed to react to hearing Cadance's name earlier. Did that have something to do with it?

Wall Breaker said that knowledge would be useful in the next "scene," but Ditzy had no idea what that meant, and if time worked anything like she thought it did, the act of telling her the future changed it.

As she drifted into unconsciousness, she became aware of a burning pain coming from her eyes…

– – – –

Ditzy was awoken by the sound of loud fireworks. She whipped out of bed, threw her sunglasses off, and looked out the window.

There was indeed a large fireworks show outside. It looked like it was coming from Canterlot, but she couldn't be completely sure, since the area was being warped by some giant temporal distortion…

Ditzy's eyes throbbed again, and she figured she needed to get a look at them. She ran into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror.

Her eyes seemed mostly the same as before—except now, instead of 4 circles embedded in her pupils, there were 5.

What did they mean? What were there 4 of in the world? And what could increase that number to 5?

There was only one thing to do.

If it had anything to do with the celebration outside, she needed to find out what the celebration was for. She reached for her sunglasses, and headed for the door, but then… stopped.

The door the connected her room to the next room was ajar. Or, at least, it was ajar at some point in time.

And given how worried her unintentional roommate seemed to be…

She sighed, and decided to check up on him. Carefully, she opened the door, briefly wondering why there weren't locks on the things to begin with, and looked inside.

The room was completely and utterly empty, pristine, and squeaky clean.

She sighed in relief, but then paused. Her room wasn't even that clean, and she had just gotten it. Even if he just left, she doubted the cleaning staff was that good—or quick.

On a whim, she looked back into the past, saw a bunch of cleaning, and then…

Ditzy gasped. There they were. The same bouncers that threw that mare off the balcony had knocked this stallion out and carted him away on a platter as if he were food.

And if he had suddenly disappeared like that, maybe the Doctor…

Ditzy went outside, slowly following their trail like a tracking dog. People stared, but considering they had seen people exiting their rooms on leashes, it was by far not the strangest thing they had seen.

Then, Ditzy hit a wall. A dead end.

In the present, at least.

After hitting the wall in a few choice spots, a small passageway opened, and Ditzy entered.

Then, Ditzy realized a second too late that it wasn't really a passageway. It was a giant laundry chute.

At least, if by "laundry" you meant "people."

– – – –

After falling for about half a minute, just about breaking all her bones in the process, Ditzy fell out.

She had to admit, it was quite ingenious. There were so many sharp turns in the chute that even a pegasus would fall out quite injured. Luckily, she had her vision on her side, and managed to avoid the worst of the collisions.

Groggily, Ditzy spit out some dirt and looked around. She appeared to be in some kind of giant underground cave.

That was hot and musty.

And filled with gold.

Ditzy's heart fell.

At that moment, a large burst of flame lit up the entire room, and an absolutely huge dragon thrust her head out through the gold a couple feet away from Ditzy's face. The dragon smiled, revealing bloodstained teeth.

"Matilda," she said, tilting her head back, presumably introducing herself. "Charmed."

A vague screaming sound came from the dragon's jugular.

Ditzy winced, and stood there, shaking. Seeing that, for some incomprehensible reason, her future was fairly safe, she decided to speak. "So, is this where the casino takes people they don't like?"

"Oh, he was going to die of a heart attack in a couple minutes anyway," Matilda said, as if that answered anything. "It tastes better when they go down struggling." The dragon licked her lips. "Takes longer to digest."

Ditzy tried to pretend she didn't hear that. "And what about me?"

"Have you done anything to piss off this casino?"

Ditzy thought. "Other than find this place?"

"Yes."

"…not that I know of."

"Then I'm full and I don't have any business with you," Matilda said, turning around. "Exit's up the stairs."

Ditzy tried to compose herself. She could have left. Left and been completely safe.

But…

"Listen. Have you… seen a brown stallion?"

Matilda stopped.

"I'm looking for him. I… need him."

Matilda looked her in the eye again. She smiled. "And what if I have 'seen' him?"

Ditzy lurched. She couldn't see clearly if the Doctor had been in this place or not, but… she couldn't rule it out. If this dragon had eaten him…

Ditzy ground her hoof into the dirt. She could… no, but…

Matilda smiled, looking excited. "Are you thinking of ripping him out of my stomach?"

Ditzy hesitated. "I, er, well…"

Matilda laughed. "While that does sound like it would feel amazing," she said with a shiver the origins of which Ditzy didn't really want to consider, "I assure you I haven't seen him. If he's anything like you, I wouldn't have forgotten him."

"Like me?"

Matilda smiled, licking some of the blood off her teeth. "Come on," she said. "Look at you. Look at what you're seeing right now. And you aren't scared at all. Or, at least, it's a different kind of scared than everyone usually is." She paused. "You're scared at how little you're scared, aren't you?"

Ditzy stopped in her tracks. "No, I…" And yet…

"Trust me. Dragons didn't get to the top of the food chain for nothing," Matilda said. "We can tell these things."

Ditzy twitched.

"We can sense other predators."

It sounded ridiculous, yet… it…

"Look at you," Matilda said. "All this, and you're hardly trembling? And those eyes? Isn't it obvious?"

"M-My eyes?" Ditzy got out. "What do you know about my eyes!?"

"They're to kill," Matilda replied, "obviously."

Ditzy backed away. "No," she said. "No, it can't be."

"You have it in you," Matilda said, edging closer. "Just a little more power, a little less of those silly morals, and you could come close to God."

"God?"

"The one who raises the sun."

Ditzy was beyond words. Ponies hardly referred to Celestia with such reverence.

"The other races, particularly dragons, call ponies weak. But the truth is, Celestia's more of a dragon than any dragon could hope to be," Matilda said. "I've long since given up trying to aspire to anything other than my rightful place below her. It would be heresy to do otherwise. Not to mention suicide." She looked at Ditzy. "Tell me, when's the last time you've seen any of the other magical races? They're nearly extinct, aren't they?"

Ditzy was silent.

"I thought so. Of course, they'll never completely go out. Celestia wouldn't allow that. Sometimes she lays off for a bit. Lets them repopulate. Get cocky."

Ditzy hesitated. "And you think… I could become like that?"

Matilda shrugged, an odd move from such a large creature. "It's a possibility. Your power… is something else entirely," she said. "I know one thing. This friend of yours? The brown stallion? You said you needed him, don't you?"

Ditzy nodded.

Matilda glared. "No. You don't."

Ditzy tried to think of a way to prove her wrong.

"Face it," Matilda said. "With your power, you could change the world. I'm sure you'll come to a point where you could save it… or destroy it. And regardless… I won't object." She got even closer to Ditzy, her musty breath covering her. "In fact… I'm more than sure. I'll be taking orders from you one of these days."

Matilda laughed.

Ditzy quickly turned away and ran to the stairs.

– – – –

Ditzy left the encounter shaken, obviously. There was a secret passage that led back to the casino/hotel, and Ditzy haggardly climbed the stairs back up. Occasionally, an employee would look at her strangely, but they figured if she was leaving the cave at all, it must have been officially.

Finally, she reached the hotel part again, and set down the hallway towards her room. She thought.

So that's what that pillar in the center of the casino was for. So that's what those flames coming out of the building were. It was all her. It was all that dragon. They sacrificed people to her to keep the casino running.

How many places here worked like that? The whole world? Was the whole world like that?

It was too awful for words. And she still wasn't anywhere closer to finding the Doctor. She shook her head and opened her door, expecting to relax in her empty room.

Inside, she got, for the second time in her life, a very complete view of Spitfire's ass, which was about two more times than she needed. Her superpowered vision did not help with this. Ditzy was assaulted by visions of the various ways that Spitfire could choose to rub it in her face.

Also, the Doctor was under her.

"…," Ditzy said.

"I can explain," the Doctor got out. He paused. "Actually, no, I can't, really." He paused again. "She forced me."

"I made a whipping sound with my mouth and he folded instantly," Spitfire said as bustily as she could, even though she didn't have one. "I had to."

"…," Ditzy continued. She had many questions, but for the moment, she didn't particularly want any answers.

"Where were you? I thought Wall Breaker promised to distract you until I was done," Spitfire said, sounding a bit disappointed.

Ditzy tried to stay calm. "I saw… a dragon."

"Oh, Matilda? No wonder! She must've thought you were pretty hot stuff to let you out alive. Did you sleep with her?"

Ditzy opened and closed her mouth a few times. "…no."

"Good! All the more for me then. Today's just been great! Everything's back to normal again!" She got up and tried to kiss Ditzy, but Ditzy, with her eldritch eyes that let her see the secrets of space and time, basically managed to dodge. "You two have fun! He might be a bit tired, though."

With that, she sauntered out, Ditzy staring more than she would've liked. There was just something about the way Spitfire moved. It was the complete opposite of what Ditzy felt when she watched Sweetie Belle—Spitfire's motions seemed too in sync with the universe, but had a magnetic mesmerizing effect no matter how hard you tried to look away…

"Ditzy," the Doctor said, "I'm sorry, I just… she… I couldn't… she just reminded me so much of…"

As Ditzy watched the Doctor stammer, saw every variation of his impending breakdown, it hit her.

This was no longer the Doctor she knew. The universe could no longer rely on him to save anyone. This place had broken him. If he recovered, it would not be a matter of a couple weeks or months. It would be years. Centuries. He said he had lived for hundreds of years. Would he ever forget? Would he ever get his motivation back?

She couldn't wait that long. She needed to start investigating now, and start fixing things herself.

Maybe… Matilda was right.

She saw the Doctor's TARDIS key on the nightstand, grabbed it, and flew out as fast as she could.

– – – –

The Doctor wasn't quite sure how to react at first. Until now, no one had really taken his TARDIS key. No one had challenged him so openly before.

Then, the implications of what Ditzy must've been planning sunk in, and he ran, as fast as he could, as hard as he could. He didn't even know if he could stop her. He didn't care.

He had to run. It was the only option.

There was always a lot of running. That's what he always told his companions, at least. But, if she was successful…

He shook his head. He couldn't think of that.

After making a couple very unsafe leaps, he finally reached the ground floor and was able to sprint outside. There, in the distance, he could see it.

The TARDIS.

It was still there.

Good.

"Ditzy!" he screamed, running towards it. "Ditzy, you have to stop! You don't understand what you're doing!" He started slamming on the door. "Ditzy! Open up!"

He heard the TARDIS intercom click on. "Doctor."

The Doctor started laughing nervously. "Good, you're there," he said. "I was afraid you weren't. Now, come on, let me in, you can't fly that thing on your own…"

"I can see the flow of space-time. I think I can manage." Ditzy paused. "Listen… Doctor. Do you think it's hopeless to save people?"

"What?"

"Tell me."

The Doctor hesitated. "Well, of course not, it's always…"

"Then why!? Why did you say this world is hopeless!? You called it a prison. A sacrifice."

"They're two different things!" the Doctor said. "You can still save people, even without…"

"Motivation? Hope?"

The Doctor hesitated again. "…yes."

Ditzy paused, a long, meaningful pause. "You're wrong."

"What?"

"You can't. Not anymore. You're done."

"What!? Of course I—!"

"Then why haven't you tried the door?"

The Doctor froze. "What?"

The lock on the front door clicked.

"It was unlocked. The whole time. You… didn't even try." Ditzy started choking up. "You didn't even try!"

The Doctor stood there, agape.

A vague sound started emanating from inside the TARDIS. "It's time. I'm sorry." Ditzy paused. "Goodbye, Doctor."

The Doctor listened.

No.

It couldn't be.

He started banging on the door more frequently. "Ditzy! Ditzy! You can't leave me behind! I can't take it! I can't be in the same place this long! I've never done it! Not even when… not even when I had hope. I don't know if I can… Ditzy! Please! Take me with you! Even if it's just as… a prop, a subordinate, a… slave… I'll do anything. Ditzy, I'll do… I'll do anything…"

If Ditzy heard, she did nothing. The sound of the TARDIS engine grew louder, and the vehicle began to disappear.

"Dr. Do…"

When it was gone completely, he hit the ground.

He wept.

– – – –

Ditzy looked ahead, her face blank. The Doctor was in a sad state, but… she couldn't think about that. She had to focus on the big picture. She had to.

She still had a conscience, right?

She…

She turned around, and headed to the library. She needed a plan.

As soon as she faced the hallway, she saw something she most definitely did not expect to see in here.

"You were a terrible kisser, you know."

Twilight's Time

In the distance, Twilight could've sworn she heard what sounded suspiciously like Celestia yelling, "To the moon, bitch!", followed by an explosion and quite… presidential scream.

She shook her head.

Twilight knew what they had been getting into. She knew what the consequences could be. And so did everyone else.

Her friends had their own reasons for assassinating Celestia. She wouldn't have been able to talk them out of it. In fact, if she hadn't have helped, they probably would have died trying.

Compared to that… things didn't end up so bad, right?

…right?

............

Of course, that just raised more questions. Why didn't things end up so bad? Twilight had heard of people executed for walking across the Royal Grass wrong. One would assume assassinating the monarch of the largest country in the world would carry similar consequences.

Unless… these were similar consequences.

Twilight sighed, and laid back on the bed. It was useless to think about it. Celestia always had a plan. Even when she made things up as she went along, it all fit together somehow. There was nothing Twilight could do now but sit along for the ride.

When Celestia invited you to her bedroom, there weren't really many other options.

Then, Twilight heard something. A rhythmic tapping. Surprised, she turned towards the window, and saw…

"Luna?"

Luna, hovering just outside, motioned for Twilight to open the window. Twilight focused her magic and pushed the handle out.

"What are you doing here!?" Twilight yelled, squinting, her face buffeted by the high altitude winds. "And why are you sneaking around like t—!?"

"There's no time to explain," Luna said in a tone that precluded any argument. She stared daggers into Twilight. Her usual stoic expression was gone, replaced with an unsettling combination of anger, desperation, and fear. "I have an offer to make you, Twilight Sparkle."

"What!?"

Luna inhaled, and hung in midair for a couple seconds.

"I… I can kill you."

Twilight stepped back. "W-What?"

"Is Celestia's planning what I think she is, then—!"

Celestia, of course, chose that exact moment to intervene. "Twilight? Who are you talking to?"

"No one!" Twilight yelled, too shocked to come up with anything better, then turned back to the window.

Luna was gone.

"Well," Celestia said, suddenly breathing into Twilight's ear, "what did Luna want?"

Twilight was one of a select few who barely flinched when Celestia did that. "How did you—?"

"Alicorn's intuition," Celestia said. "And who else would— or could—come up here if they knew I was alive?" She stood up, raising her head high. "Anyway, out with it. What did Luna want?"

Twilight got the impression she wasn't supposed to tell Celestia, but she wasn't about the risk her life protecting Luna when she didn't even know what she was after. "She asked me if I wanted her to… kill me."

Celestia's eyes narrowed. "I see." She turned around, and sauntered towards her bed. "I'll have to give her a good… talking to later."

Twilight was pretty sure that meant exactly what she thought it did.

Celestia extended her wing, motioning for Twilight to lay under it. Twilight obliged, used to this part, at least. She crawled underneath Celestia's massive wing, and Celestia pressed it, and her body, against her. From anyone else, it would have been a very paternal gesture.

As Twilight felt Celestia's warm fur caress against her, it dawned on her that, as punishments went, this was actually quite effective.

"Ask a question," Celestia said.

"What?"

"Ask a question," Celestia repeated. She looked into Twilight's eyes. "I'll give you three questions. I'll answer anything you ask as straightforwardly as I can."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

It was best not to question Celestia's whims, especially when she promised to actually make some sense. Twilight had hundreds of questions, but at the moment, one seemed particularly urgent. "Okay. Why did Luna ask me that?"

"Because," Celestia said, "she thinks death is preferable to what I'm going to do to you. That's another question, by the way, if you want to know that." Celestia looked away. "She must just be trying to ruin my fun. She's been a bit different since she came back from the moon."

She paused. If Twilight didn't know better, she'd say Celestia had a very vacant look on her face for a couple seconds. It quickly passed, though. "I suppose I can't blame her, really. All those moon rocks tempting her and all."

Twilight wasn't about to waste a question asking what that meant. Asking Celestia what she was planning to do to her also seemed pointless—after all, she'd find out in a couple minutes, and it was probably just going to be some kind of horrible maiming she didn't even want to know the details of.

She might as well find out what was behind some of her nagging doubts before she died. "Next… I want to know the answer to what I asked earlier," she said. "What is wrong with this world?"

"You're going to have to be more specific than that."

Twilight thought. There was one thing that had been bugging her for a bit now…

"How… how could Fluttershy be your head torturer? She's the Element of Kindness, right?"

"That's a good one," Celestia said, pleased. "To understand that, you first have to understand the Elements. First of all, disavow yourself of the notion that they are somehow tied to the inner magic of this world or something—they are just weapons. Extremely powerful weapons, but still just weapons. But… unlike most weapons, when Starswirl designed the Elements of Harmony, he tried to make them only work for 'good.' Each one has a different safeguard to prevent them from being used for 'evil.'" Celestia smiled. "Safeguards that… are pretty flimsy."

Celestia looked up. "Who's kinder than a serial killer that lets hundreds of potential victims pass by every day? Who laughs more than a madwoman? Who's more generous than a mare that puts herself out? Who's more loyal than someone that would betray her country for love? Who's more honest than a pony that… okay, Applejack's pretty normal, actually," Celestia said. "You see, the Elements determine what virtue you embody by looking at what you think of yourself. In theory, that sounds great, but think about it. Someone that's actually kind doesn't believe it. They constantly look for ways to be more kind. And so, the Elements only work for people who embody the exact opposite qualities than what Starswirl intended. After all, how do you think I was able to use them all simultaneously on Luna?"

Twilight gaped.

Celestia noticed. "Your element's fine, though," she added. "It just tests how strong your magic is. So, if you're strong, you can wield it. Fitting, isn't it?"

Twilight was silent.

"Now, your question was a bit ambiguous, so I'm going to answer the other interpretation as well," Celestia said, "which is, 'How could Fluttershy get away with her torture to begin with?' "

Twilight actually wasn't wondering about that, but since Celestia was offering…

"I don't pretend to understand why she chose to change the direction of her life so drastically," Celestia said, "but regardless, when she did, she saw the fundamental truth of the world. Specifically, she saw the mind control magic I have networked across this entire world."

Twilight just about jumped out of her skin. With great effort, she stopped herself from saying anything, lest Celestia consider it another question.

"You noticed it yourself, didn't you? That people have the utmost faith in me until you give them the tiniest doubt," Celestia said. "That's because everyone, by default, is under my spell—a spell just strong enough to make my life a little easier, but weak enough to not override free will. I don't want a nation of slaves, after all. Why do you think me and Sombra got along so poorly?" She looked ahead. "Of course, the system has some side effects. If you want the details, that will be another question, but basically, Fluttershy and the other members of the Three have the ability to leverage my magic to do whatever they please," Celestia said. "Although Rarity's family throws a bit of a wrench into that. But I'm getting off track. Next question."

Leave it to Celestia to answer a question begetting more questions. Twilight desperately wanted to know what the Three was and what Rarity had to do with it, but this was her last question. It needed to be something more important. Because… those were worldly concerns. If she was going to die in minutes, as she strongly suspected she would…

…there was one thing she had to know.

"Celestia… what is your goal?"

Celestia looked a bit surprised. "What?"

Twilight looked down. "You concoct these elaborate pranks, you single-handedly run just about every country in this world, you brainwash the entire population… but for what? What's your goal? You have to have one. Just… what have you been trying to achieve all this time?"

Celestia paused. She seemed to be thinking about it.

Then… she started uncontrollably giggling.

Twilight winced. She had heard that sound echo through the castle a couple times. It was the kind of thing that crept into your nightmares.

"Oh, Twilight, Twilight, you give me too much credit!" Celestia said, still not completely composed. "I have no plan. I have no goal. I just have urges. Urges that, unlike most people, I can give into with no repercussions whatsoever."

Twilight gaped. "No," she said, slowly. Then, it sank in. "No, that can't be! All those laws! Your… your pranks! Aren't at least some of them—!?"

"All just spur of the moment nonsense," Celestia said. "Have you read the laws? They're complete gibberish! Half of them contradict each other!"

"But some of them have gone on for years!"

"When you live millennia, 'spur of the moment' starts meaning something a little different."

Twilight shook her head. "I can't… haha, you're screwing with me, aren't you? There's gotta be something!"

Celestia paused. "Well, I suppose there's one goal."

"What?"

Celestia turned to Twilight. She smiled, baring her all too sharp teeth. "To not be bored," she said.

Twilight froze.

Celestia continued. "Why do you think I haven't just blown this world to ashes? I could, you know," she said. "It's because it would be too boring. And, you see, I live forever. I would be bored for a very, very long time."

Twilight worded her response carefully. "So that's the only reason you keep us alive?" she said. "As entertainment?"

"Yes."

Twilight had hoped Celestia would try to deny it, even if it was a lie.

She hoped wrong.

Celestia folded her wing up and began to get off the bed. "I believe those were satisfactory answers," she said. "You asked the wrong questions, by the way. Time to get to business."

Now that was the Celestia Twilight was used to.

…including some parts she didn't like. Celestia stopped, halfway up, and touched Twilight's shoulder. "But first," she said, "would you mind… when you're still like this… one last time…?"

Twilight got a rush of memories clouded by drugs, alcohol, and magic. The little she saw, she didn't like. She shook her head emphatically.

Celestia got up fully. "Okay then," she said. "I can have my fun later. Follow me."

Celestia led Twilight out of the bedroom to her main room. Unlike the way it was when Twilight entered, it was now almost completely empty, aside from a small table and chair. On the table, there was a plate. And on that plate… was something red.

Twilight would always remember that shade of red. It was such a bright shade of red. It was like blood, but it somehow gave the impression that, even now, it was still alive, still part of some living thing… or things. What, exactly, the food was supposed to be, she could not tell from under that thick, viscous substance. It seemed to move occasionally, but she wasn't sure whether it actually moved, or whether it was just a trick of the light.

"Now," Celestia said, her wings splayed, her head turned up, with a voice more commanding than any voice she had used in the last 3000 years, "eat it."

From the tone of her voice alone, Twilight could tell there was no choice. She would eat that thing no matter what. If she ran away, Celestia would catch her and jam it down her throat. If she committed suicide, Celestia would resuscitate her just long enough to force it into her.

There was no escape.

There was no other option.

Twilight took a bite.

– – – –

What happened next, Twilight was never entirely sure. She saw things she could not account for.

She remembered a vision of five spheres, one empty, but drawing on things around it to become filled.

She remembered unimaginable pain, but had trouble remembering what it felt like.

She remembered images of utter and complete destruction, many images of different places, one of them with her standing on top of rubble, next to some other figure…

Regardless, the next day, she awoke, completely unaware of how much time had passed. She got up, but even that only revealed just how wrong everything had become.

Because when she did, she immediately hit her head on the ceiling.

"Ow! What?" she said, and then stopped.

Her voice sounded different. Deeper. More mature.

She looked up.

The ceiling was visibly cracked where she hit it, and some chunks were falling to the floor.

Celestia was lounging on the opposite side of the room, watching. "So," she said, "you're awake."

Twilight turned, surprised, but felt an odd sensation coming from her sides. She bent her neck to take a look, and…

"I'm an alicorn," she said. "What. What!? I'm an alicorn!?"

"Yes," Celestia said. "You are an alicorn now."

Twilight looked at Celestia. "This is your punishment for me?"

"That's right."

Twilight paused. "I'm not like… completely immortal, am I? I don't really want to outlive everyone I know for thousands of years, and…"

"That's for you to figure out," Celestia said, touching one of Twilight's impressive wings. "I'll tell you this much, though." She paused, and gave a smile that seemed a couple thousand years in the making. "I always save the best for myself."

Twilight was unsure for a couple seconds, but then, she began to smile. "Celestia, I…" she said. "This means… this means I'm a princess now, right? That I can change the world? Make it a better place?"

"We'll see," Celestia said. She turned around and started walking towards a door Twilight was reasonably sure wasn't there before. "Now why don't you come outside? There's something I want to show you."

Twilight followed as best as she could. Her brain had not quite caught up to her new, much stronger, much larger body, and she found it difficult to take a step without breaking through the floor.

Once there, Celestia opened the door, and motioned for Twilight to walk through it.

She obliged.

– – – –

Once outside, Twilight was on some sort of stage, and surrounding it was one of the largest crowds she had seen her entire life. They were awkwardly talking amongst themselves—she, with what she could only assume was enhanced hearing, could make out a couple conversations in which people wondered what they had come out here for.

The more visible she became, though, the quieter the crowd got, until finally, they were completely silent in amazement and confusion.

Celestia followed, and faced the crowd. She cleared her throat, and said simply, "Twilight is one of us now. I am sure she will make an excellent addition to the royal family."

The crowd was still for a couple seconds longer, then burst out in cheers and applause. Suddenly, confetti rained from the sky, and fireworks went off, bright fireworks that lit up everything even though it was broad daylight. In the distance, Twilight's tower, the abominable machine that rose the sun, fell to the ground.

Twilight was taken aback, but eventually let herself succumb to the moment. She smiled more than she had in years.

It was over.

The struggles were over.

She could save her friends and improve Equestria from the inside.

It was all possible now.

Anything was possible!

Anything!

Tears of joy began streaming down her face, and she waved to the ecstatic crowd.

Celestia also was happier than she had been for thousands of years. She looked on, lightly smiling, using all of her strength to not let the extent of her ecstasy show.

It's so easy…

Applejack's Artillery

In the middle of one of the dryer parts of Equestria, Pinkie Pie sat on a rock. She was completely still, staring ahead. She was waiting.

Discord appeared from under one of the rocks. "You know, his time isn't for a while."

Pinkie Pie was silent.

"You don't have to wait here."

Pinkie Pie continued to say nothing.

"Does this mean you give up?"

Pinkie Pie twitched. "I know it's hopeless to save him or anyone else," she said. "I know. That's different from giving up."

"That sounds like giving up to me."

"I'm not alive, and neither are you," Pinkie Pie said. "We have no free will. I thought I did for a while, but then you went and hid Celestia for two years." She looked ahead. "I'm here because I always would be here. I can see time, and every variation of time, and at this moment, I'm always here. So I obey."

Discord paused. "You, I can understand," he said, "but why do you think I lack free will?"

"You don't even understand why you follow your goal."

"It's natural, isn't it?"

"Not to me. Not to anyone else. We want to live. For you, it's a choice. You know, you could keep this place alive for all eternity. There's nothing stopping you."

Discord paused.

"But you can't, can you? Since they took that choice away from you, all you can think about is trying to get it back." Pinkie Pie sighed. "You can't help it. I know."

Discord was silent.

"Please don't take an earthly vessel again. I hate you. You know that."

"I created you."

"I know."

And with that, Discord disappeared.

Pinkie Pie looked down.

"Why did he have to give the Weapon a soul this time?"

– – – –

Years ago, Granny Smith made a deal with Princess Celestia. Celestia would give the Apple family unthinkable amounts of farmland, with just one condition—they could never leave apple farming. Their talents would never extend outside apple farming, and no one in the Apple family would know any other kind of success as long as Granny Smith's blood flowed through their veins.

Granny Smith accepted. It seemed like a wonderful deal. After all, they had land and a guarantee they would always have the talent to sow it!

Then, after the assassination attempt, Celestia took away the Apple family's land, and the truth became evident. The two—the land and the talents—were inextricably connected, and by taking one away you could watch the other completely crumble. After all, Celestia hadn't just given the Apple family unthinkable amounts of land—she had given them all of the available fertile land in Equestria.

And now that it was all taken away from them, they had nowhere to work.

Every other farm despised them for the monopoly they had held, and their old land, in a similar deal, had gone to the Pear family, who wanted nothing more than to see all of them dead.

The entire Apple family suddenly had no way to survive.

Slowly but surely, the Apple family dissolved. Every now and then Applejack would hear stories. A nephew had starved to death on the streets. An aunt had failed at yet another business venture. Yet another cousin sold their body. That was happening with disturbing frequency lately.

Applejack, however, could bring herself to such lows, and neither could Apple Bloom. They tried looking for work. But luck was tough. No farm would hire anyone from the Apple family, and their talents were useless. Ever since meeting Rammstein, Applejack had a gained a certain affinity with machines, or at least pyrotechnics, but few ponies were interested in that. If a pony wanted to blow something up, they would just use magic. Not to mention, Apple Bloom didn't even have a cutie mark yet.

Finally, they were forced to admit that, if they were going to survive at all, they would have to go their separate ways. Apple Bloom went, begrudgingly, to the criminal element of Equestria, as a last shot to see if that's where her special talent lied. She hoped it wasn't, but it was the only thing left, and she needed to eat.

Applejack also went to her last hope. She went to the only place in Equestria where anyone was interested in machines to any useful degree—a place she had long tried to avoid.

The human colony.

– – – –

Not many ponies knew about the human colony, other than that it existed. Applejack was no exception. She had heard things in hushed whispers.

That Celestia used the city as a giant petri dish for bizarre experiments, sometimes turning the inhabitants into hideous monsters and letting them loose.

That the ponies there kept close watch on the humans, and abused their privileges whenever they got the chance.

That many humans had died attempting to escape from the human colony—the unlucky ones resuscitated just long enough for Celestia to use them for some hideous purpose.

And when you looked at it, none of those things quite surprised you. It was an abomination, like a significantly uglier version of Canterlot Castle.

No two buildings looked alike, were done in the same architectural style, had the same amount of floors, or even had the floors the same heights. Doors were too short, too wide. Windows were placed in odd places. Some buildings were nothing but windows, others had windows drawn on in ballpoint pen. Some buildings were made of wood, others of metal, others of glass, and others felt like they would crash down at any moment, held together only by taped together pieces of cardboard.

It was as if someone gave nearly limitless resources to people they knew were incompetent, and sat back and waited to laugh at the results—which, if Applejack knew Celestia, was exactly what happened.

The humans knew the pecking order here, and had clearly been told to respect ponies as much as possible. As soon as Applejack set foot in the town, people spread a path for her. It probably didn't help that she was quite well known as one of the Elements of Harmony, and one of the characters of that accursed TV show of them that existed in the human world.

As she walked through the bazaar, she noticed with some disgust the sheer amount of merchandise of her that was for sale. She shook her head and pressed forward, though.

That was an indignity she would have to suffer through if she was going to work here at all.

Finally, she stopped, in what appeared to be the center of town, and looked around. She wasn't sure what to do, where to go, or what to say, but she was going to need to do something if she was going to gain control of her life again.

She inhaled, turned to the attentive group of people, and said, "Excuse me, who's in charge here? I need a job."

The crowd was silent. They had, presumably, heard about the Apple family's situation. "As what?" someone yelled out.

"A machinist," Applejack said. "Or something to do with apples. Or both." She scratched her head. "I was also… a counselor for a bit."

She decided not to mention that many of her patients ended up far more disturbed than they had begun.

Whatever she said, she captured the interest of the crowd. People were excitedly talking amongst themselves, and some were shoving little black rectangular devices into her face.

"Have you seen this before?" they said. "Do you think you can fix it?"

"I need my phone back! There's no reception or internet, but I still need my phone back!"

"Do you think this can somehow lead to me marrying her!?"

"For Celestia's sake, be quie—!"

Then, a hoof hit the ground, and the crowd became immediately, disconcertingly silent. They parted once again, this time for another pony—what appeared to be a member of the royal guard. He slowly walked up to Applejack.

He looked vaguely like Shining Armor, but it wasn't him. He had a strong build, white fur, blue hair, blue eyes, a nearly identical face, but still, there was something obviously different about him.

His hair, which was meticulously styled, had some greasy quality that permeated it so much it was likely no amount of sanitation could remove it. His face twitched occasionally, rarely more than a fraction of a millimeter, but enough to be noticeable at the edge of your subconscious. His mouth was locked in what appeared to be a near permanent toothy smile. Even as he smiled, his eyes had a piercing quality that Applejack had only seen a couple times before—in Celestia, as she dished out her punishments for the mane six, and in Fluttershy, that one time she got angry at Applejack and almost beat her to death with a birdhouse.

It was okay though, since she was Fluttershy. She must have been stressed out.

Also, unlike any royal guard Applejack had seen, this stallion had a name tag on his armor.

"Wall Breaker… the Fourth."

"That's right," he said, "it's me again! If you thought I was too 'meta,' you're in for a world of hurt, because I'm in charge of this dump!"

"What?" Applejack said. "What are you talking about? We've never met."

Wall Breaker paused, and his eyes grew narrower by a couple degrees. "I wasn't talking to you," he said, slowly.

"Then who…?"

He pointed behind Applejack and raised his eyebrows, as if he was pointing out something obvious. Applejack looked behind her.

There was a wall.

"Now," he said, clopping his hooves together, knowing full well what that sounded like, "if you want a job, then you'll need to talk to today's mayor. Come on, follow me."

Applejack trotted after him. "Today's mayor?"

"That's right!" he said. "You'll learn pretty quickly that things work a bit differently down here in the human colony. You have to have a special way of thinking to see how it all fits together." He looked back. "A special way of thinking like mine."

Applejack could call his way of thinking special, all right.

"I heard that," he said. "Besides, you and the mayor have met before!"

Applejack scrunched her face. "Mayor Mare?"

"Oh, no, no! Didn't you hear? She died snorting tax forms when she worked for the pony IRS. Man, what a way to go."

Applejack knew that, but she was half expecting to hear that she had come back as a zombie or something.

"Wrong!" Wall Breaker said, catching Applejack off guard. "There's no zombies in this story. Only a few have defied death, and you already know who they are."

"I do?"

"Once again, not talking to you."

Applejack sighed. She was going to ask what he meant by "this story," but decided against it. She doubted she would get any type of comprehensible answer.

"You're learning quickly," Wall Breaker said. "Now, hurry up! We can't keep the mayor waiting. He'll be out of power in a few hours."

He started galloping, and Applejack rolled her eyes and started following.

A mayor she had met before? A stallion that could apparently read minds? Bureaucracies that were incomprehensible madness?

This was seeming more like home by the minute.

…unfortunately.

– – – –

"Oh dear Celestia," Applejack said, recoiling. "The Donald? You're the mayor?"

Donald Trump leaned back in a distinctly ostentatious chair and folded his hands. "That's right," he said, smirking. "I'm back. And thanks for calling me The Donald. People never get that right."

"Er, actually, I just forgot your last name…"

"Anyway," he said, leaning forward, "what could an esteemed Element of Harmony possibly want with a little town like us?"

Nearly everyone in the room flinched when he said "little town," although Applejack could not tell if that was because the settlement was too large to be called little, or too horrible to be called a town. "I'm looking for work," she said. "Celestia took away all my family's land, so I can't get a job on a farm. I can deal with machines, sort of, but ponies aren't interested in stuff like that, so I, you know. Came here."

"And what kind of work would you be willing to do?"

"Anything, really," Applejack said. Then, she noticed every eyebrow in the room shoot up simultaneously, and decided that she needed to set some limits. "…nothing even remotely involving sex, though," she added. "Or death. Killing people. You know. Those are my limits. Sex and death. Won't do those."

"I think we can work around that," the Donald said, a little too smoothly. Applejack could practically hear the gears in his head turning, figuring out how to make her change her mind.

She snapped. "Why would anyone even want to have sex with me anyway!?" she said. "We aren't even the same species!"

The Donald took a second. "Have you looked at a horse? Seen the beads of sweat drip down her body? Watched her toned muscles flex sensuously? Admired the sheer power of her body?"

Applejack was thinking of Rainbow Dash. She tried not to let that show. "…yes?"

"It's like that."

Applejack blinked. She almost understood what he was talking about. That scared her.

"Besides, it's not like your species has any scruples."

Applejack had to admit, he had a point…

"So basically, what he's saying is, all humans have a secret lust for horses," Wall Breaker said. "Makes sense. I mean, for Celestia's sake, look at what humans look like. They're so ugly. Of course they'd want some of," he pointed at himself, "this meat."

It then occurred to Applejack that these two were probably not the best people to trust for answers to questions like these.

There was a light knocking at the door, and a human woman in a French maid outfit walked in. She was far too attractive to be seen near the Donald, but Applejack and Wall Breaker had no real frame of reference for this, so they couldn't tell.

"Sir," she said, and then started whispering something in his ear. He nodded a couple times, and then, as quickly as she came, she walked out, slamming the door behind her.

The three were silent for a bit.

"And that was…?" Applejack said.

"My new assistant," the Donald said. "Tricia. Or was it Trixie? No, not her. She was the first. Or was it Tammy…?"

Applejack would regret it, but she had to ask. "What happened to Trixie, anyway? Wasn't she always with you?"

The Donald shrugged. "I don't know. She stuck with me the longest, but then she just left. As soon as she heard about your friend becoming a princess, she ran off, muttering something about getting hers, even if it took a thousand years…"

"Right," Applejack said. That made her think. Was Twilight immortal now? There was that whole coronation business, but Celestia never really said…

"Anyway, back on topic," the Donald said, "I believe we have a very in demand position for you."

Applejack beamed. "Really?"

The Donald smiled. That should have worried Applejack, but she was too busy being happy to notice. "I think it can combine your skills at apples and technology very efficiently."

– – – –

"Fixing iPhones?" Applejack said, looking over the job description sheet in confusion. "What's an iPhone?"

Her new roommate sat in the back, not sure whether to say anything or not.

There was little to no room in the human colony, so if Applejack wanted any place to live, she was going to have to room with someone. That was agiven. The only thing she could even hope to control was what kind of person her roommate was.

She had set a hard line on that. She wanted the gayest possible human male that had never been sexually attracted to a horse in his life. That was the only type of person she would be comfortable with.

Somehow, she got Joe, who was neither, but was scared to death of ponies, and that was good enough for her.

"Hey," she said, walking across all six feet of their apartment to tap him on the shoulder. "Joe. What's an iPhone?"

Joe hesitated. "It's… this…" He tried to figure out how to explain that kind of technology to a pony that likely knew little about technology and less about magic. "Well… do you know what a telephone is?"

"Yes."

"And you know what a computer is?"

"Yes. It's a glowing screen you used to watch pornography, right?"

Close enough. "Now, you take a telephone, you take a computer, you squish them together, and you get this little black thing." He held up his smartphone, which was dead, just like everyone else's. "It can call people, it can… do computer stuff, and it's smaller than either individually. And then you sell it for $700."

Applejack recoiled. "$700!?" yelled. She paused. "That's… like, a lot in human currency, right?"

"Yeah." Joe paused. "But it's okay, because it's cool." He looked at his smartphone again. "Thing is, these things, like all our technology, need power to run. And here in Equestria, there's no power to put in them."

Applejack scratched her head. "But isn't there enough magic to use?"

"That doesn't work with our devices," he said. "They need electricity."

"Electricity? Like lightning?"

"Yeah. Like lightning. Except… stored. Somehow."

Applejack looked at the rectangular thing he was holding. "Is that… an iPhone?"

He looked at it. "No. It's a similar device made by a different company."

"So it's an iPhone knockoff?"

Joe thought about it. "You know, I guess it is."

"Let me see that," Applejack said, then grabbed the thing from Joe before he could say no. Luckily, this apartment had previously belonged to the last guy that tried to fix everyone's smartphones, and as such, had a fairly nice workbench and selection of tools in one of the rooms. That was one of the reasons Applejack had been given this apartment.

Applejack started unscrewing the back of the phone.

"Wait, you aren't seriously expecting to be able to fix it now, are you?" Joe said.

"It can't hurt," Applejack said. "The things already broken, right?" She got back to work. "And besides, my honor is at stake."

"What?"

Applejack's face darkened. "If I can't do this… if I can't fix at least a couple of these iPhones," she said, "I'm going to have to start selling my services around here in an entirely different fashion. I really don't want to do that, so I'd like to get a head start."

Joe looked at her. "Is that what the Donald told you?"

"Yeah, and he's in charge of this dump, right?" Applejack said. She grumbled. "So, even if he's a depraved moron, I have to listen to him."

"You do realize he'll be out of power tomorrow, right?"

Applejack stopped, and looked at Joe. "You know, everyone keeps saying that," she said. "What do you mean?"

Joe sighed. "It's a long story," he said. "Well, not really. Your ruler, Celestia, set this colony up so that it would have a different mayor every day. Currently, it cycles between three people: Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Il, and someone that hides behind a mask."

Applejack looked skeptical. "A masked mayor?"

"Hey, don't diss them!" Joe said. "They're the sane one. Anyone that ashamed to be here has to know what they're doing."

Applejack thought back. That was disturbingly similar to Mayor Mare's election campaign a couple years ago… "So how does that work? Your leader changes every day? So that means all the laws and stuff change to?"

"You got it."

"And the next mayor can undo anything the last one did?"

"Got that right."

Applejack blinked. "Isn't that totally convoluted, painful, and inefficient?"

Joe was completely still. "I think you're beginning to see the picture."

Applejack leaned back and facehatted. "Oh dear Celestia," she said. "No pun intended…"

"It's not that bad," Joe lied. Then he realized there actually were a couple good things he could say about the system. "In fact, a couple countries back home were built on similar principles. It prevents much good from getting done, but on the other hand, it also prevents much bad from getting done. Usually, if one of the mayors does something really stupid, the other ones will work against them, even if only out of spite. And besides, things only get really bad when Celestia shows up."

Applejack's eyes widened. "Celestia comes here?"

Joe grew pale. "I'd… I rather not talk about it."

Applejack got the idea. She went back to work on his phone.

Joe hesitated again. She could hear it—the faint sound of his mouth as he opened and closed it, debating whether he actually wanted to say anything or not. "Listen," he got out, "have you heard anything about a… Bob?"

"Bob?"

"He was a friend of mine. We came here together, you see, but when we arrived, we…" Joe stopped, realizing he had said too much.

"Wait, came here together?" Applejack said, setting down her screwdriver yet again. "I thought the only way to get here was to have a near-death experience."

Joe gulped, and after a couple seconds, decided it would be best to tell the truth. "It is. We did," he said, looking down. "We… were told that where we lived, the chances of being sent to Equestria if you risked death were very high. We were disillusioned with the human world, so one day, we got up on top of our apartment and… jumped."

Applejack was silent for a couple seconds. "I'm sorry," she said. She took her hat off, and placed it over her chest, in respect. "Did he… did he not make it here?"

Joe looked down. "That's just it," he said. "I don't know. All I know is that when I got here, he was no longer next to me. And so far… I haven't been able to find him anywhere else."

"I'm sorry," Applejack said. "I'm sure you'll find him eventually." She looked at him. "Man, life must've been pretty bad in the human world if you were willing to commit suicide to come here."

Joe laughed ruefully. "It wasn't. It wasn't really that bad," he said. "We were just spoiled. We didn't know how good we had it until it was taken away from us. It's practically like a concentration camp here. I'd give just about anything to go back, and to be back with Bob again, but I guess… I guess that's hopeless now." He stopped, and a tear formed in his eye. "I… just wish I could've told him how much I… I…"

It was risky, but Applejack knew she had to do it.

She walked over to him and hugged him.

"There there," she said. "It's going to be okay… it's going to be okay…"

He clasped her back, and began weeping into her shoulder. The two stood there for a while like that, Applejack briefly stroking his back in an attempt to console him.

The whole time, the embrace remained completely platonic. Neither of them tried to take it anywhere further. Neither of them made an inappropriate pass.

They both could not help but think…

Maybe I've finally met a decent human.

Maybe I've finally met a decent pony.

– – – –

"Good luck," Joe said, and closed the door, off to work in the dreary rice fields that created most of the human colony's income.

Applejack had been there a few days now, and had fallen into a routine. At the crack of dawn, her and Joe would get up, eat some disgusting something-or-other for breakfast. Then, Joe would leave for work, leaving Applejack alone for most of the rest of the day to work on her main project—attempting to fix the humans' smartphones. Then, late in the evening, Joe would return, and they would talk about their day's toils.

He took a special interest in Applejack's work. Whether he was just interested in getting his phone back, or if he had a genuine interest in what she was doing, she did not know. But regardless, it was always pretty uncomfortable.

The truth was, she had hardly any faith in her ability to fix the things. After all, the problem wasn't even a mechanical one—it had to do with finding a power source, which fell outside her range of skills no matter how you sliced it up.

She tried fiddling with the equipment all she could, but putting in the chips upside down and stuff could only do so much. The more she worked, the further she felt from a solution.

There was only one thing she could do to "fix" the things, but she didn't want to stoop that low. Not again.

She grabbed her hat and walked outside.

– – – –

She could feel fairly safe today, at least, since the masked mayor was in charge. At first, she thought Joe was just screwing with her, but then she actually saw the person. They exuded a certain kind of presence—although, anyone in that many billowing capes would. It was impossible to even tell the gender of the person through that costume.

At first, Applejack wondered why Celestia had assigned such a competent mayor to the human colony, but then she realized it actually fit Celestia's MO perfectly. Sure, they were competent, but the other two mayors weren't. The masked mayor had to work eight times as hard to clean up their messes.

And so, even on a good day, like today, there were still a few rogue explosions and armed robberies. Ironically enough, most of those kind of attacks came from the humans. Celestia had managed to engineer things to a degree where she didn't really need to sabotage much anymore—the humans sabotaged themselves for her.

The main other source of justice in the human colony was the Three—Fluttershy, Spitfire, and Wall Breaker.

Applejack hadn't even heard of the Three until she had come here. And most ponies hadn't. Usually, one only heard of them on the border between life and death. And, well, humans in Equestria were constantly on the border between life and death.

While all ponies had rights above humans, within the human colony, they were still bound to the will of the human colony's active mayor. The Three were the only exception to this. They alone could disregard any laws they wanted any time they wanted—in the human colony or anywhere else—at a simple price.

They, unlike the rest of Equestria, had to obey direct orders from Celestia without question.

Even if Celestia told them to carve their own heart out with a spoon, they would have to do it. And worst part was, they would be glad to. That level of insanity was a qualification to enter the Three.

And while it seemed surreal at first, Applejack had to admit, it made some kind of sense.

Fluttershy's ability to bend people's will…

Spitfire's hypnotic motions that could seduce anything…

Wall Breaker's bizarre clairvoyance…

It wasn't surprising at all that Celestia would want to keep people with powers like that close to her… and control them.

Out of the Three, the only one that really spent any time in the human colony was Wall Breaker. The other two came by occasionally, but he actually seemed to enjoy being here. So, after Celestia had the human police department destroyed (they tried to overthrow her, and worse, incompetently), he was now in charge of all justice in the human colony. What was previously a team of fairly unbiased and professional humans was now a one-man judge, jury, and executioner—Wall Breaker.

This worked about as well as you would expect.

Especially considering who his assistant was.

"Hello Applejack," Diamond Tiara said, sauntering up. "I still can't believe you're actually living in this dump."

Apparently, merely being rich was not good enough for her, so she decided to go to the human colony just so she could have more power than everyone around her. Wall Breaker, and, more importantly, Celestia, quite liked this logic, and she was quickly named the Assistant Enforcement Officer for the human colony, a job title which occasionally changed to the official Assistant Assistant Torturer for Equestria.

Fluttershy occupied the top two ranks. No one alive tended to argue with that.

"I still can't believe you're here," Applejack said. She couldn't resist. "I thought a place like this would be too low class for someone like you."

"There's nothing more classy than stomping on people. Literally," Diamond Tiara said. "At least I'm not trying to live with these freaks, like you are."

Applejack paused. "You can't convince me killing people is a better option," she said.

Diamond Tiara blinked at her a few times, and then slowly got in her face. "You're so naïve, Applejack. You've always been naïve. You and that little sister of yours both," she whispered. "It's about time you wise and up and realize how this world really works… or you might crumble to dust like the rest of your pathetic little family."

"You take that back!" Applejack yelled, and then headbutted Diamond Tiara with all her strength. Caught off guard, Diamond Tiara flew back a few feet, and when she was upright again, had a clearly bloody nose.

"W-Why you…" she seethed, and then started charging towards Applejack.

Applejack readied herself, but almost immediately, right before either of them once again made contact with each other, something stopped them.

Seemingly from nowhere, two white hooves appeared and help them in place.

Wall Breaker slowly emerged from a small bucket on the ground, which Applejack was reasonably sure only Pinkie Pie could do. All during this, he held the two in place.

"Just wait, my dear," he said to Diamond Tiara, "you'll get your chance." He turned to Applejack. "I apologize for my assistant's behavior."

Applejack backed off. "Apology accepted."

Wall Breaker smiled. "This usually isn't how we work here, you know," he said. "We don't goad people into committing crimes. We let them the tie the noose themselves, and then we hang them with it." He turned to Diamond Tiara again. "Isn't that right?"

Diamond Tiara nodded.

"And most importantly, we never, ever let them lay a finger on us," he said, his permanent toothy smile briefly becoming more sinister. "Come on, let's go."

Diamond Tiara muttered something under her breath, and walked away with Wall Breaker. Applejack briefly smiled to herself.

Then, Wall Breaker whipped his head around and glared at her.

"Don't you get cocky either," he said. "Know your place."

Then, the two turned around and continued walking away.

Applejack, still a bit shocked, turned around as well, and saw something unusual.

The site of a destroyed building.

Usually, all three mayors of the city were, at the very least, very fastidious in making sure the human colony looked its best. But here… all three were willing to let the space remain unused as a reminder of some kind. Of what, Applejack could not imagine.

The only thing left in that spot was a small placard that read, "Here lies the origin of the first monster."

– – – –

"So? How was your day?" Joe said in as high spirits as he could while eating the indeterminable sludge they all called dinner around there. "Make any breakthroughs with the phones?"

Applejack paused. She couldn't lie anymore. "No," she said. "Today, I just walked around town. The last two days, I've just meaninglessly fiddled. I don't think I can fix them."

Joe dropped his fork. "What?" he said. "But I thought you said—"

"I know what I said," Applejack said. "I was… lying." She smiled ruefully. "I can do it sometimes. It doesn't feel good, and I'm not very good at it, but… I can do it."

"But… I thought I heard everyone said that you are really good with machines…"

"Well, sort of," Applejack said. "That's just a coincidence, though."

Joe blinked. "A coincidence?"

Applejack had never really told anyone this before, but after what she saw that day, she felt she had nothing to lose. "The truth is, I can't fix things," she said. "I'm not good with machines at all. I'm not good at anything outside of apples at all. That's the curse of the Apple family. We can never be good at something that does not involve apples. If we try anything else, we fail."

"Then how—?"

"I didn't succeed at making monster trucks or flamethrower displays or any of the rest of that nonsense," Applejack said. "I only failed at fixing things. Failed spectacularly. That's part of the curse—you fail to a degree that most would consider impossible. I didn't go into any of those projects intending to make what I did. I merely tried to fix something, and when the results were impressive enough, I tried to play it off as intentional. That's what Rammstein taught me—that people were actually interested in flame shooting deathtraps. And surprisingly, it worked." She looked to the side. "At least for a while."

Joe thought about this. "So if you tried, really tried to fix those phones…"

"They'd probably end up as machine guns or something," Applejack said. She sighed. "And the worst part is, everyone would probably love it, and slice themselves to bits with the things. And I… I really don't want to be involved in things like that anymore. But… it's beginning to seem like the only option."

Joe was silent.

Applejack looked away. "I'm worthless," she said. "I'm in the same boat you are. You know what happened today? I just had to deal with being completely humiliated by one of my sister's old classmates, who's, like, the head torturer of this place or something when she's only 17. And who knows what Apple Bloom is going through right now. I can't protect her. I can hardly even protect myself."

Joe was silent for a bit longer, and then spoke. "Just do it," he said.

Applejack looked up. "What?"

"Just fix the phones however you usually would," he said. "How you do it may be a lie, but the results that come out of it are real. I'm sure that you can make some kind of living making weapons for the human colony or something."

Applejack shook her head. "I can't! I can't do that…"

"You need to survive!" Joe said. "We… you can save up money or something and… think of something. You'll think of something, I know it."

"How do you know that!?" Applejack yelled.

Joe looked down. "Because," he said, "you always did. In that show, I mean." He stopped. "You probably hate it, I know. But when I was down, I'd watch that show, and… you'd always think of something. It gave me strength." He looked at her with some intensity. "So don't give up. If you of all people give up, I don't know… I don't know what I'll do."

The two sat there silent, not taking a bite. Applejack nervously swallowed.

"Okay," she got out. "I'll do it."

– – – –

The gold-plated fireplace burned, making a terrible singeing metal smell. The rest of the room sparkled in hideous excess.

"…and that's the situation," the Donald said as he leaned back in a chair made from the finest buffalo hides. Celestia never told him that buffalo were sentient in this world, but he probably wouldn't have cared if he knew otherwise. "I think, in general, the humans are coming around to my way of thinking."

Diamond Tiara gently nodded. "Yes, yes," she said, "I imagine they are." He had been saying that for the last six months. No one actually believed it, but a certain amount of humoring the mayors was necessary to keep order—and to keep the show going on. "Is that all?"

"Yes, yes it is," the Donald said, but his gaze lingered just a little too long. Diamond Tiara got up, and then, he stopped her. "No, wait," he said, "one more thing."

She turned around, wondering what this was about. He had never actually kept her late before. "What? What is it?"

"Don't you want to stay a bit?"

Even with her background, the ostentatiousness of the room gave her a headache. "I've got duties to attend to, thank you very much," she said, and made to leave again, but this time he grabbed her on the shoulder. It wasn't a gentle grab—in fact, it was outright forceful.

"No, no," he said, smoothly, "stay, please stay."

Diamond Tiara looked at his hand with the utmost revulsion. "Get your hands off me, you filthy ape," she seethed. Wall Breaker's words were still ringing in her ears.

The Donald fell silent, filling the room with a heavy quiet, but his sleazy smile went on. "You think my hand is disgusting, don't you?" he says. "You all do, don't you? You think we're all disgusting, don't you? And particularly me. You all think I'm disgusting. I know the humans think I'm disgusting. But you do too, don't you?"

He was expecting her to object, even a slight bit, if only to keep up appearances, but instead, completely without hesitation, she let out a large cackle. "Of course!" she held, between fits of giggles. "You… and you in particular… are the most hideous thing I've laid my eyes upon!"

The Donald's smile faded. "Oh really?" he said. "Do you think I'm powerless as well?"

Diamond Tiara smirked. "Of course. You wouldn't even be able to lift a single one of those slimy fingers without our permission."

"That's what you think, then?" the Donald whispered. The anger in his voice was now becoming clearly apparent, and Diamond Tiara began to get the creeping impression that she was in over her head. "Tell me… where is Wall Breaker right now?"

"I… he…"

"He's out in Canterlot, isn't he?" the Donald said. "Making some more report or other to Celestia?"

"That's Princess Celestia," Diamond Tiara got out. "Only ponies are allowed to call her Celestia."

The Donald smiled, but it was not his usual manipulative smile. It was something else entirely, a smile filled with more greed and depravity than even Diamond Tiara thought he was capable of. "Is she here?"

"No, but…"

"Good."

He then slammed her against the floor, and Diamond Tiara realized just how cold and hard the marble actually was. She tried to resist, but the Donald quickly bent her hooves to the side, eliciting a snap.

"AH—!"

"I've been waiting for this moment for so long," he said, over her. "I've been watching you for so long, tempting me, telling me I can't have you." He got close, much too close to her face, and breathed on it, making her recoil from the sheer odor. "I've always believed nothing is impossible. Why don't we put that to the test?"

He reached down. Diamond Tiara jolted.

"Wall Breaker! Celestia! Help me! Help! HELP!"

– – – –

The masked mayor and Applejack stood in a small warehouse. It, at the moment, had only a couple of crates in it—but it would soon have much more.

"Are you sure about this?" the masked mayor said, looking down at one of them.

"Yes," Applejack said.

She had decided to fix the phones and let whatever happened happen. As usual, this ended up creating some horrible spiky flamethrower devices.

At home, it would have been a nice decorative item, to show off her supposed skills in engineering. Here, however, it would be used as a weapon, likely by the humans, against the humans.

Applejack knew this.

She didn't like it, but she had to accept it. If she was going to change anything for the better… she would need to first gain some power.

Like Twilight.

At least this time she was honest about the source of her "skills." She wanted to get that much off her chest. So, she sat down with the mayors and explained that, while she could make elaborate devices potentially useful as weapons, she had no control over what they would be or how they would work.

The mayors had surprisingly few objections to this. After all, their time in Equestria had made them pretty used to arbitrary bullshit—but this time, the arbitrary bullshit was finally in their favor.

The only one that was hesitant was the masked mayor. But even then, they didn't resist. They seemed… resigned. Like they knew this day had been long coming. And that it was hopeless to change the other two mayors.

But they hadn't quite given up on Applejack.

Applejack walked out, but then stopped… and turned back to the masked mayor. "…good luck."

The masked mayor stood still. "You do realize," they said, "that eventually, you will help have to help clean up this mess."

Applejack turned away. "I know," she said. "I know that."

And with that, she left.

– – – –

Diamond Tiara slowly walked through town, attempting to hide her limp. She was pretty sure Trump had broken a leg. It hurt, but not nearly as much as the humiliation did. If it had been a stallion, it would have been disgraceful enough—but a human? A male human?

That was beyond reproach.

If word got out that she had let one touch her, it would end her reputation. People would think she wanted one to touch her.

After all, ponies were stronger than humans, right?

If a pony didn't want to do something, they could definitely stop a human, right?

Diamond Tiara shook her head.

She was a disgrace. It was as simple as that. A disgrace. She would always know that.

But, like anything else in her life, this could be covered up.

No one needed to know.

It had worked so many times in the past. When you had enough resources, the content of your character did not matter at all. All that mattered was how you paid people off. How you subtly molded them to your advantage.

No one was truly strong. Some just appeared that way, because of how they used their resources.

"What was that?" a voice said.

Diamond Tiara froze, and turned around, to see Wall Breaker slowly oozing out of a window.

"Did you really think I wouldn't find out?" he said when he regained something resembling a corporal form. He walked over to her, and kicked her bad leg, making her double over in pain. "Fell down the stairs my ass!"

Diamond Tiara stayed on the ground, completely still, her eyes wide.

"Don't try to tell any other lies," he said, walking around her. "I talked to the man himself. He owned up to everything."

Diamond Tiara recoiled. "What!? Why—!?"

Wall Breaker got in her face. "Celestia legalized rape here, remember?" he said. "And the mayors are a protected class just as much as we are, remember? Of course, he wasn't sure how that would apply to assaulting a personally chosen representative of Celestia, but the answer to that should have been obvious."

"Obvious?"

Wall Breaker gestured to the main square. "The chariot's out there. She wants to see us both."

– – – –

It was a little known fact, but there actually was a clear, direct route to the throne room in Canterlot Castle. One needed only to enter through the front entrance and walk forward in a straight line. It was that simple. Celestia always got some amusement out of seeing everyone make the problem much more complicated than it actually was.

Of course, it all depended on what you considered the front entrance or a straight line, but that was besides the point.

The point was, within minutes of arriving in Canterlot, Wall Breaker and Diamond Tiara were in the throne room with Celestia.

And while she still had a smile on her face, she did not seem nearly as amused as usual.

"Diamond Tiara," she said in a voice said that filled the room, "do you know what happens when a trusted representative of mine is assaulted by a member of a lower species?"

Diamond Tiara shrunk back. "Y-Yes…"

Celestia's brow twitched. "No, you don't," she said. "Because I don't have trusted representatives that get assaulted by members of a lower species."

Diamond Tiara nervously laughed. "But that's impossible!" she said. "I'm… I'm only an earth pony! What could I have done!? It was just bad luck. Even your representatives can't be immune to bad luck! It's his fault, for overstepping its bounds! He should be punished!"

"He should have never been able to get anywhere close to overstepping his bounds," Celestia said. "That is precisely what I hired you to prevent. But I suppose that was too much responsibility for you."

"It was a fluke, I—!"

"Silence," Celestia commanded, now openly frowning. "Trusted representatives of me do not let flukes happen to them. They will create circumstances so that flukes never happen to them. And if the impossible happens, which it can, because I am the impossible, they will certainly not call out to me for help."

Diamond Tiara froze.

"That's right," Celestia said, "I know every time anyone mentions my name. Particularly within my staff. It's one of the most fundamental steps of running a world. And so yes, I heard you." Her eyes widened. "I heard your pathetic cries of agony as you put up the slightest excuse of a resistance!"

Sweat dripped down Diamond Tiara's brow.

Celestia got off the throne, and approached the two. "I took a gamble on you," she said. "When you had the gall to come to me and ask to be put in charge of the human colony just so you could dominate over others, I knew there were two possibilities—that you were extremely strong, or that you were extremely weak. And you know that I detest nothing more than weakness."

The adrenaline was getting to Diamond Tiara's brain. She snorted. "Ha! Then what about Shining Armor, the most merciful captain of the guard in 100 years!?"

"And yet he was able to advance through a system where the only means of promotion is to kill your superior!" Celestia said. "You seem to confuse strength for sadism. He was able to successfully move through the ranks without ever violating his ideals, even though he was in a system specifically designed to repel people like him. To accomplish something with nothing at your disposal—that is strength! It has nothing to do with how much money you have, or whether your goal is peace or war. If you can manipulate the circumstances of the world to your advantage with no outside help whatsoever—that is strength!"

"That's insane!" Diamond Tiara yelled. "No mortal can have that much power!"

Celestia stopped, and looked down at her. She glared, and then said something that only a handful of people in the world knew.

"I was once mortal."

This caught Diamond Tiara off guard.

"…wha…" Diamond Tiara said. "…but… you're…"

"I'm not God. I'm not omniscient," Celestia said, smiling, sitting back in her throne. "If you would have told anyone of my era that it was possible to accomplish anything resembling godhood, they would have said it was impossible. Until me. I was able to forcibly take it from the universe."

Diamond Tiara's mouth opened and closed.

"And so, when I hear that you let one man, one member of a lower species, take control of something as trivial as your chastity, I do not feel even the slightest shred of sympathy," Celestia said. "Do I hold the whole population to that standard? Of course not. They serve a different purpose—as toys. They can be as weak as they want. But my staff? My closest staff? That's a different story." Her wings flared. "You were in over your head, Diamond Tiara. And when you gamble with me, you bet your life."

She turned to Wall Breaker. "Now. Eat her."

Wall Breaker blinked. "What?"

"Eat her. Right here," Celestia said. "That is a direct order."

Wall Breaker, for the first time in many years, hesitated slightly. He looked over at the trembling Diamond Tiara. "Er, why?"

Celestia smiled. "Because I just ate myself. And now, I need an entirely different type of appetite fulfilled."

Wall Breaker stared at her for a couple seconds longer. Diamond Tiara could have sworn she saw some shred of sympathy in his eyes. "Alive?"

Celestia shrugged. "As long as you can keep her alive."

Wall Breaker took a couple seconds longer, and Diamond Tiara could have sworn she saw his judgment waver.

But then, he turned to Celestia, not a visible emotion on his face.

"Okay."

– – – –

From that day forward, Wall Breaker was noticeably crueler towards the humans.

The humans weren't entirely sure why, but they could guess.

Diamond Tiara, always by his side, was now mysteriously absent. And a human likely had something to do with it.

He must've been trying to get revenge somehow.

The humans felt a bit bad for Wall Breaker—in a sick way, him and Diamond Tiara did seem quite close. But they could only spare so much sympathy. She, like him, was a murderer. She had brutally killed many of the humans' friends and family.

No matter what had happened to her, she was a monster as well.

This change had immediate and obvious repercussions. Wall Breaker began executing humans at the drop of a hat, for crimes no one, even Celestia herself, would have thought worthy. The only thing holding him back was the execution limits—the only rule even the highest echelons of power were held to. No one, under any circumstances, could execute more than a set amount of humans every day. Otherwise, the human gene pool would become stagnant, and Celestia would lose some particularly entertaining toys. Wall Breaker got uncomfortably close to that limit, though, and it seemed that if it were not for that rule, he would have killed all the humans as soon as he could.

Was he capable of it? Of course. Humans had often joked about what would happen if Pinkie Pie chose to use her fourth wall breaking powers for evil instead of good. They, unfortunately, now had an answer—Wall Breaker.

If he wanted you dead, you would die. It was that simple.

There was no place you could hide where he could not find you. He could hear your thoughts from a mile away, and pick them up from a thousand similar thoughts. There was no door that could keep him out, no wall that he could not pass through. If you tried to run, he would inexplicably show up at your destination.

And that was only if he chose to exist in three dimensions at all. He could easily come at you from a paper, a coffee cup, a bucket, or any number of things.

He wasn't immortal, but as of yet, no one had been over able to discover a weakness in him. Like the other Three, in addition to the powers he had on his own, he had received Celestia's best training in agility and strength. That training made even completely normal ponies nearly invincible—when it was given to the Three, it made them almost gods.

To mortals, it often seemed like the only difference between Celestia and the Three was that the Three aged.

– – – –

Applejack tried to sleep amidst the barrage of explosions and firepower from outside. It turned her stomach to know that most of that carnage was likely caused by her own handiwork. In fact, it was more than likely—she could clearly hear the distinctive sound of a high-powered flamethrower go off, followed by the even clearer sound, and light, of a nearby building catching fire.

Inside, people screamed.

She turned in her bed. She tried to close her eyes. But…

Then, she heard something—a tapping, coming from the window. She looked over, and saw a hoof gesturing. Curious, she opened the window, and saw…

"Apple Bloom?"

Apple Bloom deftly jumped in the room and closed the window behind her. She brushed off some dust and ash on her body, and stared at Applejack. It was a much more… worn expression than what Applejack was used to seeing on her sister. She was practically glaring.

Apple Bloom produced a weapon, something that appeared to be a very gothic taser.

"Care to explain this?" she said.

Applejack hesitated.

"This is your work, isn't it?" Apple Bloom said. "I can tell. It's got a flamethrower, for one. What's with you and flamethrowers, anyway? Is it because you're orange? But all the extra gears and stuff really gives it away." She looked at Applejack. "Just what are you doing?"

"I…"

"Do you know how many of these things have been hitting the black market lately? And what it's doing for crime around here?" Apple Bloom continued staring at Applejack. "Tell me you have a reason."

"I… I do," Applejack said. "I can explain. Really. It's just… all I can do, honestly. I don't like it either." Applejack stopped before she got too emotional. "You've… you've found something better to do, right? Tell me you have. Cause… I'm not kidding when I say I hate this. I… really do."

Apple Bloom twitched. "Don't… don't try to change the subject," she said. "Applejack… answer me. Now. I want to know. Because I've… I've had to…"

Applejack, once again, hesitated. She knew this moment was going to come eventually. If she made weapons, they would spread. It was naïve to think they would stay within the confines of the human colony.

But something bothered her.

"Apple Bloom," she said, "what are you doing with one of those things?"

Apple Bloom froze. "That's besides the point."

"I know you were going to try to find work in the criminal element of Equestria, but I just thought you meant charities or something…"

"Well, most of them were at least partially funded by the Pear family, so I had to… you know. Lower my standards a bit."

"Apple Bloom?" Applejack spoke slowly and deliberately. "What are you doing?"

Apple Bloom paused, then took a breath. "I'm an assassin."

Applejack stopped.

"You're a WHAT!?"

– – – –

I will never see anything stranger in my life.

That's what Joe found himself quite often thinking lately. And every time, he was shortly proven wrong. For now, in his kitchen, was an almost adult Apple Bloom, clad in a hood, a couple saddlebags, and an assortment of concealed blades, arguing with her older sister about the ethics of murder.

And she still didn't have a cutie mark.

A lesser man would have been tempted to describe the scene as strangely adorable.

Joe was a little bit above that, so he kept his mouth shut.

"So how many?" Applejack said. "How many people have you killed?"

"Whatever it is, it can't help but be lower than how many your weapons have killed…" Apple Bloom muttered.

"Just answer me!" Applejack yelled.

Apple Bloom took a second, and closed her eyes. She began mouthing numbers, counting. After a few seconds, she stopped, and looked up. "10 jobs," she said. "One successful."

Applejack continued glaring at her.

Joe, unwisely, intervened. "Well, that means she's only killed one person, right?" he said. "That isn't too bad, right?"

Applejack whipped around at him. "That isn't the point here!" she yelled. "It's… it's just that—"

"…I'm too young and innocent to become an assassin?" Apple Bloom continued. "Is that it? Is that what this is about?"

Applejack hesitated.

Apple Bloom scoffed, and looked at to the side. "Grow up, Applejack," she said. "You know what it takes to survive in this world. You can't protect me forever. Just be grateful I didn't have to resort to becoming a porn star, like Big Mac…"

"He didn't resort to anything," Applejack muttered, but then got back on track. "Okay," she said, "I guess I overreacted a bit. We're both in the same boat, when you think about it, so let's just call a truce, okay?"

Apple Bloom nodded. For some reason, Joe did as well.

"Now, tell me," Applejack said, "who are you working for?" She paused. "It's not for the humans, is it?"

"No, no, of course not," Apple Bloom said, just a little too quickly. "There's humans working for them, but that's it. It's just some… organization that's popped up recently. And they need a lot of personnel. So they'll take just about anyone to be part of their ranks. I thought it sounded perfect, so I joined. I mean, truth is, I'm not even that good of an assassin, but they don't really care. The fact that I'm related to one of you, one of the Elements of Harmony, means a lot more to them."

"Just who is this 'them'?" Applejack said, uncomfortable.

"I… I don't really know," Apple Bloom said. "I'm pretty low ranking in the organization, and it's complicated enough that I'm not entirely sure what's going on most of the time. There are couple things I know for sure, though.

"One: they're planning something big. Really big. In fact, the first thing they tell anyone joining their ranks is that their goal cannot be completed within anyone's lifetime. They say it will take at least 1000 years to accomplish.

"Two: whoever is running this organization is extremely good at laundering money. Funding is one of the few things we're not lacking in. Whoever they are, they must have some experience working in—or abusing—finances."

"So you don't even know what this organization is called?" Applejack said.

Apple Bloom shook her head. "Not really," she said. "I'm not even sure it has a name, to be honest."

"And you don't have any idea what their goal could be?"

"Not really," Apple Bloom said. "But, now that you mention it, there do appear to be a lot of scientists on staff…"

A goal that could take a thousand years to complete… one that requires unthinkable amounts of resources… and a large amount of scientists…

Applejack looked at Apple Bloom. "You don't think they're… trying to kill Celestia again, do you?"

"No," Apple Bloom said. "They tell us not to interfere with Celestia's plans in any way if we can avoid it. And they specifically said that was not their goal. I mean, think about what happened to you guys. If that was their goal, no one would get on board. And if they were lying, Celestia would already be sending her forces against us. So I think they're on the level. Of course, she could just be waiting for them to make a mistake, but…"

Applejack thought, and then gave up. "Okay," she said, "it's a bit shady, but then again, what isn't these days? If it's gonna take them that long to do what they want, it's never gonna affect us anyway." She yawned, and looked up. "Besides, we can talk more in the morning. It's getting late." She then noticed the window. "…or, well, it was getting late. Now, it's getting early."

"Sounds fine to me," Apple Bloom said, although she still looked alert. Her eyes darted around the room.

The two walked out the kitchen.

Applejack thought once again about that organization's goals…

If they weren't trying to kill Celestia…

– – – –

Applejack and Apple Bloom laid groggily on the floor of the living room.

Well, "living room" might have been a bit too generous. "Living square" would probably have been more accurate. For a human, there wasn't even enough room to stretch out your arms.

But for a pony, it was merely cramped, instead of suffocating.

They had negotiated, and Joe had, as usual, taken the bed. Even though Apple Bloom was a guest, it still made more sense for her to sleep on the floor. Ponies, being quadrupeds, could curl up and sleep just about anywhere. Beds were just a luxury item. Humans, however, needed flat, soft surfaces to lie on more. So Applejack usually chose to sleep on the floor, even when Joe offered otherwise.

Applejack was nodding off quite quickly, but it seemed Apple Bloom was having problems.

Faintly, Applejack heard the sound of Apple Bloom crying into the covers. It was very quiet, as if she were trying to hide it.

Applejack decided to scoot over, and touch Apple Bloom on the shoulder.

"It'll be all right…" she whispered, almost instinctually.

Apple Bloom, however, immediately tensed up, and rolled away, to be further from Applejack.

Applejack sighed. It was tough, but she expected a response like this.

Apple Bloom was finally experiencing what it was like to be an independent adult—something she, like all children, highly desired. But that responsibility was likely overwhelming her. And being an assassin must have made it even worse. From what she had said, most of her assignments had been failures, and the few that did succeed she likely wished did not. Even she admitted that the most likely reason she was being kept around at all was as a political pawn.

She must've wanted to appear strong.

Applejack knew that.

But that didn't make it hurt less…

– – – –

"Well, I'm off to work," Joe said, holding the door open. "You two have fun catching up and stuff." Waiting a second too long, he closed the door and began walking away.

Apple Bloom stared at the door. "…I'm surprised."

Applejack looked up. "Why? About what?"

Apple Bloom looked at Applejack. "That you're living with a human."

Applejack laughed. "It'd be stranger if I wasn't living with a human," she said. "Real estate isn't exactly easily available here, so…"

"No, that isn't what I meant," Apple Bloom said. "I mean, you don't have a problem with it?"

Applejack paused. "Not really," she said. "When I came here, I was… prepared to have to deal with humans."

"But you're letting your guard down, I can tell," Apple Bloom said. "The way you two look at each other, the way you interact, it's almost like you're…"

Applejack smiled. "…friends?"

Apple Bloom hesitated.

"It's not anything more than that, I assure you," Applejack said. "But I do trust him. And we do get along. That's more than I can say for a lot of ponies, that's for sure." She looked to the side. "He's alone, just like we are. Most of the humans are, to be honest."

Apple Bloom scoffed. "Alone? How do you know he's alone? He could just be saying that to take advantage of you. To get you on his side. Don't you see that?"

Applejack frowned. "What I see," she said, "is ponies murdering humans on an almost daily basis, using logic like that as an excuse. I don't buy it. I don't think anyone, or anything, deserves to die just because you think they're suspicious."

"But what about Obama!? Don't you remember what he did to us?"

"Obama was a bad apple, even for them!" Applejack yelled. "But he's just one person. You can't condemn an entire species based on the actions of one person. At least I can't." Applejack looked at the side. "Look, I know what I said before. About the humans. How mad at them I was. How I wanted to get back at them. That was true. But this is also true. I changed my mind. I'm the Element of Honesty, and that means I'm going to be honest, not consistent. When I change my mind, I'm not going to hide it. I'm going to say what I feel even if it's not consistent. That's just who I am. Okay?"

Apple Bloom was silent. "It's still… a risk," she said. "You can't deny that."

"You're right. It is a risk," Applejack said. "Joe wasn't exactly my ideal candidate for a roommate. Originally, I wanted to go as safe as possible. I wanted a guy who was completely gay, so I knew he wouldn't try anything with me. And, more importantly, I wanted someone that wasn't interested in horses at all. But… I didn't get a choice in the matter. I got Joe, who I'm pretty sure is neither. I can tell he likes human men and women, and he probably likes ponies… a bit more than the average human. And maybe that extends to me. I don't know. I don't want to, though, and I don't need to. Because I have faith in him. I have faith that he won't let those qualities of himself stop him from being a decent person. Is that a risk? Yes. But it's a risk I'm willing to take. After everything I've been through, I've realized that… dying for having too much faith in the goodness of someone's heart is probably one of the better ways to go."

Apple Bloom was silent once more. She looked away, as if she were embarrassed. "Applejack, I…" she said, and tried to compose herself. "I'm sorry, I just… it's been difficult for me to trust anyone. I've gotten burned, and…"

"It's okay," Applejack said, this time hugging Apple Bloom without much resistance. "That's just my choice. You've still got to make your own. And I don't care what that choice is. I'll still love you."

Apple Bloom was still. "…yeah."

– – – –

The rice fields were probably one of the most illogical parts of the human colony. It was an almost completely useless activity. It would have been more than possible for a team of a couple unicorns to completely duplicate the efforts of all those humans.

And yet, even before this, the job of tending the rice fields was purely to domain of earth ponies. For that, at least, one could offer a fairly reasonable excuse—earth ponies were better at understanding the land then unicorns, and while slower, the fruits of their labors would inevitably be higher quality.

But for humans?

There was no such excuse.

And if the two were viewed as equivalent, that could only mean one thing.

It was a desire to make others perform manual labor, not any desire to produce goods, that caused rice farming to be done the way it was.

The humans had reached this conclusion long ago. They didn't like it, but there wasn't anything they could do about it. It was the only way to consistently survive in this world. Anything else was too much of a gamble.

So they toiled away at it, day after day after day.

Joe, in the fields, performing his work almost automatically at this point, wondered.

Was Bob dead? Did he not make the trip? Or was he somewhere else in Equestria? If he wasn't in the human colony, that meant… he was taking that gamble.

It didn't bode well for them meeting. If he was caught trying to be happy in any way, Celestia would likely kill him—or worse. Like what happened to that serial rapist.

God, what a sick world this was—where one could feel genuine pity and sorrow for an unapologetic serial rapist. But still, Joe would not wish that fate upon his worst enemy…

He kneeled down in the murky water, breathing heavily. The sun was beating down on him, and he was beginning to get noticeably nauseous from the heat. Unlike on earth, here, it actually was possible to say the sun was hotter today just to spite him. After all, Celestia controlled it completely.

But at the same time… was it? After all, he was nothing more than the tiniest ant to her. No one would do something like that just to spite one ant.

If there was anyone she wanted to spite… it was the entire world. It was a whim directed at every living thing in the world.

And in the end, how was that different from the randomness the dictated weather on earth?

Joe kneeled and caught his breath for about 15 seconds, which was 15 seconds too long.

Wall Breaker appeared in his reflection in the water, despite not existing in reality. He looked up at Joe, his blue eyes looking even more soulless than they did before. He was actually frowning at him. While that constant toothy smile he had was creepy in its own regard, it only served to make his frowns absolutely terrifying.

"Unauthorized break," he said, and pulled Joe into the water.

– – – –

"Huh," Applejack said, looking out at the night sky. "Joe should have been back by now."

While Apple Bloom's first instinct was to be suspicious, she honestly could not think of anything Joe had to gain by staying late at the rice fields. "Is there anywhere he likes to stop after work?"

"After working 16 hours straight? I don't think so," Applejack said. She lowered her hat. "I have a bad feeling about this. I'm gonna try looking for him. I'm sure you need to be getting back to your place, so I won't—"

"No," Apple Bloom said, going up to Applejack. "I'll help. And then… then I'll go back."

There was a quality in her voice that gave Applejack a bad feeling.

It sounded like… she was saying that if she went back to that organization now, that would be it. It would eat her up, and she would never return again.

Or that, if she did return… she would never be the same.

"Thank you," Applejack said, and ran out.

– – – –

The two ran all across town looking for him, but to no avail. The next shift had started at the rice fields, so no one had seen him. And he was not at any of the places where someone would usually go to kill time after work. Applejack even reluctantly checked most of the bars and strip clubs in town to no avail, even though she doubted he would be in there to begin with.

But she did bump into one of his coworkers, who said something that made Applejack's spine tingle.

"You know, it's the strangest thing. I swear, he was just there one moment and gone the next. I haven't seen him since."

A disappearance that seemed almost magic…

Applejack could not help but fear the worst.

– – – –

There was only one person high-level enough that Applejack felt could help her.

"Who's in there?" Apple Bloom said as they stood in front of a noticeably well protected door. It was covered with a large assortment of gears, locks, and what appeared to be some haphazardly drawn magic runes for good measure.

"There's three mayors that run this town," Applejack said. "Two of them are completely crazy. But this one, the third one, has always been the most merciful and friendly of the bunch. They might know what happened to Joe. And they might be willing to help us."

"Yeah," Apple Bloom said, unsure. "But… isn't there an easier way?"

Applejack turned around. "What?"

"Why not ask Twilight?"

Applejack froze.

"She's immortal, right? Or close to it? And she's a princess, right? Doesn't she have the exact same authority Celestia does? So why not ask her for help?"

Applejack looked down. "Apple Bloom…" she said. "Twilight's… I've tried contacting her, okay? And… I don't think she's doing that good. She sounds like she has enough problems of her own to deal with. I can't ask for her help. She's already… given up too much for us. Including mortality itself."

Apple Bloom blinked. "No one knows if she's actually immortal, you know."

Applejack looked away. "Doesn't that sound like Celestia, though?" she said. "To make the worst punishment of all life itself?"

Apple Bloom was silent.

Applejack hurriedly knocked on the door. The two could hear the peephole guard slide open, and an eye look through it. After confirming who was waiting, the peephole guard closed, and the latches came undone. After a while, the center gear turned, and the door slowly creaked open.

In the middle of a spartan room, the masked mayor sat behind a desk.

"Listen," Applejack said, "Joe, my roommate, hasn't come back, and I think—"

Slowly, the masked mayor held up a manila folder.

Applejack's eyes widened. "Wait… you know where he is? You know what happened?"

The masked mayor nodded.

Applejack ran over. "Oh, thank you!" she said. "I don't know how I can ever…"

When she got close to the manila folder, though, the masked mayor suddenly pulled it away. And even completely obscured by the mask, their face looked unusually intense. "One condition," they said.

Applejack knew this wasn't going to end well. "What?"

"Stop making the weapons."

Applejack remembered their words from last time.

~ ~ ~ ~

The masked mayor stood still. "You do realize," they said, "that eventually, you will help have to help clean up this mess."

~ ~ ~ ~

This must have been their plan all along. They likely did not cause Joe's abduction—but they knew, at some point, Applejack would become indebted to them, and were waiting for the chance to use that condition.

Applejack swallowed. It would be tough, to find a way of living without making those weapons. But her heart knew the answer far before her brain did.

"Okay," she said. She held her hat to her chest. "I'll stop. I promise."

"Wait!" Apple Bloom yelled. "How do you know we can trust them!?"

Applejack looked back. "What choice do we have?"

"But—!"

"No," the masked mayor said, "she's right. We must seal this promise more thoroughly."

They snapped a finger, and the human attendant, a man in a suit, went and closed the door with a bang.

Then, the masked mayor did what Applejack thought they would never do. They raised their hands and took off the mask.

The masked mayor showed them their face.

Neither Applejack or Apple Bloom were able to glean any information from this. After all, they knew little about humans, and even less about human celebrities. But the symbolic nature of the action meant a great deal to them. Whoever this person was, they had some reason to hide their identity. Some very strong reason. And they trusted them enough to show them that secret.

And then, they did even more.

They handed the mask to Applejack.

They were giving up that protection.

In that moment, Applejack knew that whether she could trust them in any other regard or not, they were deadly serious about this.

For that one concession… they were willing to give up everything.

Applejack tried to think of something of similar value to give up… and then, realized what it was.

Applejack, for the first time in her life, took off her hat, and did not put it back on. She set it on the table in front of her, and took the mask.

"Thank you," she said, in a low voice. She and Apple Bloom ran to the door. The attendant had already opened it a crack, and they ran out. Then, the attendant closed it once more.

He turned to what was formally the masked mayor. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes," they said. "It's about time I ditched that silly costume anyway. At first, I was worried no one would take me seriously back home if they found out I was in this world. The smear ads would be awful! But now I know the truth. There is no way back home." They stood up. "From this moment forward, I will not let a single thing stand between me and the continued survival of the human race."

She slammed the table and smiled the grin of a cornered beast. "Prepare yourself, Celestia," she said. "I, Hillary Clinton, will stand in the way of whatever hellish torture you have awaiting us!"

– – – –

The salt fields, or the execution fields, as they were more commonly known, were one of those features that really cemented Equestria's status as an artificial world. Out in the middle of nowhere, they were fields of nothing but arid, cracked land with a small amount of standing water on top, useful for nothing else other than extracting salt. And it was not a small amount of land, either. It was one of the largest continuous sections of land in Equestria—and it was nearly useless. No matter how you added it up, the country, or the entire world, for that matter, did not ever need that much salt. And so it just stayed there, neglected, aside from a few choice purposes.

One of these purposes was surreptitiously carrying out executions.

It was perfect for that. It was so large that, once in the center, there was no hope of running away; it was completely flat, so there was no chance of hiding; and the water made it nearly impossible to mask your footsteps, in addition to being too dirty to actually drink.

Celestia had used these fields quite often for her own executions, back in the day, but she had stopped when the construction of the Canterlot Castle was complete, and she had a dungeon at her disposal. There were some times, though, when she did not want to spare space in her dungeon for a given task.

One of these tasks was executing humans.

She found them so abhorrent she did not want to waste unnecessary space in her dungeon housing them. She always had a few, for experiments, of course, but that was the limit. It was always just a few. Everything else, she left to the Three.

All of this was detailed in the documents that the Masked Mayor had given Applejack and Apple Bloom. And the paperwork made it extremely clear that Joe had been taken there by Wall Breaker. The cause, was, of course, a very trivial reason—Joe had stopped working in the rice fields for a period of time that could only be measured in seconds. But still, due to the ambiguous, self-contradictory nature of every law Celestia wrote, and the Three's free reign to interpret those laws how they wished, Wall Breaker could easily execute him for that.

It was obviously unjust. Even Wall Breaker could see that. But he, like many people who had managed to survive under Celestia's rule, had come to idolize that unjustness.

Applejack and Apple Bloom ran through the small forest that surrounded the outskirts of the human colony. As they got further towards the salt fields, the vegetation became noticeably lighter. As they got further, the land became increasingly incapable of supporting life.

It was strange that Celestia didn't do anything about such an inefficient part of the country. It didn't even provide her with any entertainment to leave it there. There were plenty of other more useful secluded spaces, after all—some of her own design.

Maybe she had sentimental reasons to keep it.

Or maybe it was beyond even her power to remove it.

Eventually, Applejack and Apple Bloom burst through the last couple remaining plants, and faced the large flat expanse of the salt fields. Their footsteps raised small splashes as they ran across the shallow water. The whole thing extended as far as the eye could see in every direction. The only indication that the Equestria they knew existed was if they looked behind them, and saw the fairly lifeless forest they just exited. Other than that, the only thing that surrounded the salt fields were tall, craggy, sharp mountains. It looked like it was impossible to climb them, or even approach them. It seemed their only purpose was to make the landscape look more intimidating.

But, in a strange, primal way, in addition to being intimidating… this landscape was also strangely beautiful. The thin water still reflected everything around it in a graceful way, and the faint sunlight made the edges of the field appear to almost be glowing. It was like something out of a dream.

But, as they kept running further and further, it became obvious that it was not a dream, but a nightmare.

The further they ran into the fields, the more they saw bones. Bones, clearly from many different species. And some… were more than bones. Which was even worse, because in this environment, even flies and maggots hardly had the courage to gather, and the process of decomposition was not allowed to happen like normal. The bodies reached stages they usually could not, because in the outside world, it was rare for a corpse to remain undisturbed for that long. Here, however, it happened with alarming frequency.

And so, here, every corpse they passed fell on two extremes of a spectrum—either too destroyed to be natural, or too intact to be natural.

They knew the risks going into this, though. They knew that anything this close to Celestia's authority would be brutal and horrifying. They had both comes to terms with that.

Applejack, because she genuinely wanted to save Joe.

And Apple Bloom, because she wanted to follow Applejack.

But also… she knew. Whatever she saw or did here … could not possibly be worse than what she would have to if she continued working for them.

"Are you sure it's okay?" Apple Bloom said as she ran. "To run across the water like this? Don't you think he'll hear us?"

"It doesn't matter," Applejack said. "He can read minds and tell the future anyway. It doesn't matter how we approach him. We'll be at an equal disadvantage no matter what we do." She looked at Apple Bloom. "You know, you can turn back, if you want. I have my reasons for wanting to do this, but they don't really apply to you. You don't need to take on this risk."

"I know," Apple Bloom said. "But… I also have my reasons for doing this."

It wasn't clear what she meant by that, but her face was hardened with determination even more than Applejack's, so Applejack didn't question her.

They just kept running. Looking ahead, never looking back, and never looking to the side. They both focused on their goal—a small speck in the distance, surrounded by some other specks, standing right where the sunlight made the water shine the brightest. It was like those figures were standing in a white inferno.

Despite this, though, Apple Bloom's attention briefly wavered, because out of the corner of her eye, she saw a body that should have been impossible. It was mangled almost beyond recognition, but at the same time, it had a figure that difficult to mistake…

"Luna…?"

She pressed on though, brushing that aside.

Probably just a doppelgänger the princesses had tired of.

– – – –

"I believe you all know why you're here," Wall Breaker said, marching around the humans, who were made to kneel in a circle around him. "You have committed crimes. Crimes dangerous to the stability of the human colony—and thus, the world."

In reality, all the crimes these humans had been taken in for were extremely minor. Wall Breaker had to read the footnotes of the footnotes of the laws governing Equestria to find something to take them in for. It didn't really matter what it was—he just needed a pretext, any pretext, for doing this. The actual reason did not matter to him, as long as he could kill more humans.

Someone opened their mouth, as if to speak, and Wall Breaker, without a moment's hesitation, appeared in front of them, slammed their head into the ground, and stomped on it with such force that it split open like a watermelon. That was the kind of strength he had at his disposal, as an earth pony. Blood seeped out from the gory mess, but it quickly dissipated in the water.

It became increasingly obvious to the other humans why the water here had a slightly pinkish hue.

"Any other questions?" Wall Breaker said.

No one said anything, even though it didn't really matter. In fact, saying something might've worked out better for them. They would get a quick death, like that first person. But still, even in spite of that, the raw primal fear that moment awoke in them prevented them from doing anything but shivering. Doing anything else would have been going against all of their instincts.

Joe continued to look down, as did the others. He knew this day would come eventually. Where, by luck of the draw, he would be executed. It already happened to so many of his friends. Whenever he grew close to someone, they would mysteriously disappear a few months later. That had happened to him many times. It'd probably happened to all the humans. The only reason people like Donald Trump appeared happy in this environment was that they didn't care. For everyone else, it was hell. A hell filled with nothing but fear itself.

Death would be a welcome relief from this hell. Joe had found himself thinking that for a long time now. And now that the moment came, his judgment had not wavered in the slightest. He was ready. His only regret was not being able to say goodbye to Applejack, but she would understand.

She, of all people, would be able to understand…

At that moment, the humans, and Wall Breaker, heard something they had not expected to.

Hoofsteps. And splashing.

Joe looked up, and his eyes widened.

Wall Breaker had the same expression for a couple seconds, and then smiled. "So, they came after all…"

As soon as Applejack was within earshot, she began screaming, and her stride quickened. "WWWAAAAAAAAALLLLLL BRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAKKKEEERRRRR!"

And then, she ran through the circle and tackled Wall Breaker with all her strength.

He didn't dodge. He just kept smiling.

"Have you come here to kill me?" he said, sliding against the ground.

"If I have to," Applejack seethed, pinning him down.

Wall Breaker scoffed. "Would you really go to such lengths just to save," he looked at Joe, "it?"

Applejack fumed. "Don't. You. Dare. Call. Him. I—" she said, beginning to raise her for forehoof in an impressive right hook, but then she stopped.

Her anger stopped, or rather, that passion became something else, and she looked at Wall Breaker's chiseled body with much desire, letting her self-control wane as she—

"Wait!" Applejack said, looking around, confused. "I'm not doing that!"

"You picked the wrong opponent to fight," Wall Breaker said, smiling even wider now.

"Apple Bloom!" Applejack yelled, looking back. "Are you—!?"

But when she looked back down, Wall Breaker was gone. She looked around, and could not see him anywhere else, either. That was, of course, impossible—here, it was impossible to hide footsteps, and there was nothing to hide behind.

So, what Wall Breaker was doing was, as usual, completely impossible.

"That's right!" he said, as he appeared from somewhere and punched Applejack on the back of the head. "You do know what my power is, right?"

Applejack's face slammed into the ground, not as hard as the human's, but enough to instantly give her a bloody nose and chipped tooth.

Her and Wall Breaker, however, were some of the few ponies strong enough to withstand such a blow while hardly flinching.

Applejack struggled off the ground, and glared at Wall Breaker. From behind him, Apple Bloom slowly snuck up, knife in hoof. It was useless, though—Wall Breaker knocked the knife out of her grasp, making it graze her.

"Have you ever thought about what my name means?" he said.

"Not particularly," Applejack said.

"Well, maybe you should try." He looked up. "What do you think my powers are?"

"You can do what Pinkie Pie can," Apple Bloom said.

Wall Breaker looked back, smiling. "That's right!" he said. "Now, what does Pinkie Pie do?"

Apple Bloom grew hesitant. "I… I don't know…"

Wall Breaker turned to look at Applejack. "Tell me," he said, "have you ever heard of a concept called the fourth wall?"

"What the hay are you—"

Wall Breaker's reflection asked the question again, while his real self stood still. "What is the fourth wall?"

Applejack hesitated. "I think… it's a human concept, right?" she said. "In fiction—or a play, at least—there's three walls visible. But there's a fourth, invisible wall called the fourth wall. That's what the audience is behind. And the actors pretend this wall doesn't exist so the audience members can think they are looking into another world."

"Yes, that's right," Wall Breaker said. "And I'm Wall Breaker the Fourth. I break the fourth wall."

"But that's ridiculous!" Applejack said. "We aren't in a play! We aren't in a work of fiction! This is real life!"

Wall Breaker smiled. "Prove it."

Applejack hesitated. "What?"

"Prove that this world is real," Wall Breaker said, slowly approaching her. "Prove that we aren't just words on a page, or bits flashing around on one of those human's hard drives."

"Prove!? What's there to prove!? Isn't it obvious?"

"It's anything but," Wall Breaker said. "If we were in a work of fiction, we would be written to believe that this is the real world. And this world would be written so that no matter what tests we subjected it to, it would behave as if it were the real world. In fact, the concepts of 'real' or 'fake' would not apply to us. If we were in a book, that would be 'real,' and the world outside would be 'fake.'"

He started walking around Applejack. "The humans have an interesting concept related to this. The theory of relativity. According to it, there is no such thing as an absolute truth. There is only the truth that is correct based on your current frame of reference. And no possible experiment can prove what frame of reference you are in. It's the same with us. No matter what the structure of the world is, it can be programmed to behave as anything else. There is no experiment, none at all, that could prove what plane of reality we exist on. Because in every case, the author himself could falsify the results!"

"That's insane…" Applejack muttered.

"Is it?" Wall Breaker said, now in her face. "I don't think it is at all. In fact, if you want to prove this world is real, the cards are stacked against you. What's the first step of proving that we are in a work of fiction? Well, proving the existence of other universes where where we could be the work of fiction, for starters. And I believe the humans have provided ample evidence of that. In fact, in their world, there is a work of fiction that has uncanny similarities to our world—the television show they refer to as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Our world differs in a number of important respects from this work of fiction, but the similarities are too extreme to call it a mere coincidence. It accurately depicts nearly every aspect of this world, down to each individual name and hair color and historical event and everything. The only things that it gets wrong are that which it chooses not to show—the dark side of this world, the real reason that, at first glance, it can seem like a utopia. Who are you to say that woman's doodles, which sparked the idea for that show, did not also call us into being?"

"I… it's…" Applejack glared. "It's not the same. A hideous place like this… goes against everything a show like that was supposed to stand for."

"That's right," Wall Breaker said, pacing. "Some of the differences between our world and that world are also too large to ignore. But, you've failed to take one thing into account." Wall Breaker's eyes widened. "Works of literature can influence each other!"

"What are you saying…?" Applejack said.

"What I'm saying is this," Wall Breaker said. "Someone watched that show. Then they watched another show. And another. And read a book. And another book. And maybe they read some comics too. And then, one day, they decided to combine ideas and characters from all of those works into one. That's the only thing that explains this world completely."

Applejack scoffed. "Ha! Like anyone would do something so complicated—"

"It exists," Wall Breaker said. "The humans even have a name for this phenomenon—'fanfiction.'" He broke out into nervous laughter. "Don't you see!? It's useless. It's all useless. Our world isn't even a legitimate piece of fiction. It's a demented, depraved, bastardized tribute to a children's television show written by a human!"

Applejack huffed. "That isn't true! That can't be—!"

But she was cut off by Wall Breaker breaking out into even more deranged laughter. After he was done, and his voice had finished echoing off the mountainsides, he looked at her, his head cocked to the side, and with a smile wider than what should've been physically possible. "I said 'a human,' but that's a bit ambiguous, isn't it?" he got out in between bursts of giggles. "The truth is, 'a human' is just the name that the human who wrote this story chose to go under, in order to be intentionally confusing." He paused. "Don't you see? I've read the story that called this world into being."

The world seemed to pause for a beat at that statement. Everyone in the vicinity became completely silent.

"You what?" Applejack said, her voice showing more fear than she would've liked.

"That's right," Wall Breaker said, stumbling around erratically. "I used to be just a normal pony in the royal guard. I might have even been a pegasus! I don't even know. My life before that moment is so hazy. But I will always remember that one day with extreme clarity. We were looking through a human's hard drives, seeing if there was anything of worth on them, and then, I saw a suspicious looking text file, so I opened it. What I found in that file would change my life forever. For, when I went to a random place in the middle, I happened upon this very scene!"

Applejack blinked a couple times. "Er, what?"

Wall Breaker pointed at her. "That! That's what it said you'd say right now!" he said. "And then I went on to describe a bunch of things only I would know, like the password to my secret safe, 'Bosco,' that bald spot under my helmet, my brief, heterosexual crush on Rainbow Dash…"

Applejack briefly, but strongly ground her hoof into the ground.

"Applejack briefly, but strongly ground her hoof into the ground!" While Breaker said. "Yes! That's right! It's really happening!" He laughed. "Isn't this incredible!?"

"So this is where your powers come from?" Applejack said. "Because you've read our story in a book?"

"That's right," Wall Breaker said. "I know everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen in this world. Nothing has contradicted that knowledge, and nothing ever will!" He turned to look at Apple Bloom. "Like, right now, you say, 'Is that really true?', and I—"

Apple Bloom blinked. "No I don't."

Wall Breaker stopped. "What?"

"I'm not going to say that."

While Breaker paused. "Er, but—"

"You just told me what to say, so I'm not going to say it," Apple Bloom said. She looked around, a bit nervously. "So, does this mean the universe is going to start blowing up or something?"

Applejack snorted, and then started laughing wildly herself.

Wall Breaker whipped around. "What? What is it? What's so funny?"

"Don't you see? Apple Bloom just proved me right! Sort of," Applejack said. "Even if you're right, she just proved that we have some amount of free will on our own, right? She directly contradicted what the story said, right? So, that can only mean one thing. That story is just one way things could have happened. If we make a different choice, based on the knowledge of, say, that we are inside a story, the original story no longer applies. In other words…" She smiled. "From this moment forward, all your knowledge is useless."

Wall Breaker stumbled back in shock, and Apple Bloom took advantage of the opportunity to throw a knife at him.

Finally, a blow landed. It cut Wall Breaker's face quite deeply, and then fell to the ground. Blood seeped out from the cut and dripped into the water. Wall Breaker's smile dissipated as he realized what happened.

"You… you…" he seethed, clutching his face. "You actually… nevermind." He started laughing again. "I'll show you what a mistake that was."

Applejack charged at him. "The jig is up, Wall—"

Wall Breaker smiled again, and turned to Applejack. "Oh, is it?" he said. "I don't think so. There's one thing you haven't taken into account."

"And that is!?"

"I'm one of Celestia's finest. I never depended completely on my foreknowledge."

And then, right as Applejack was about to hit him, he suddenly sunk into the water, leaving not a trace.

The water was, of course, not even an inch deep.

Applejack looked around nervously, wondering where on earth Wall Breaker could have been.

Applejack blinked. "What?"

Sweat beaded down her brow. She began to get discouraged. Against Wall Breaker's unique abilities, this battle was beginning to seem hopeless.

"Stop that," Applejack said, nervously.

It would just be easier if I gave up, Applejack thought. After all, I've been useless. I failed to protect Joe. I failed to protect Apple Bloom. I failed to protect my family. I'm a failure.

I'm useless.

Useless.

Useless.

Applejack clutched her ears. "Stop that!" she yelled. "Get out of my head!"

"Applejack?" Apple Bloom said, confused. She couldn't hear anything.

Then, the reflection of all the water around them became filled with a giant image of Wall Breaker's face. "Don't you see?" he said, his voice booming and echoing off for miles in the distance. "When I read that story, I got more than foreknowledge. The knowledge I gained from it—that we were in a work of fiction—let me sense things that I previously could not. Like narration. Like any work of fiction, this world is controlled by a constant stream of text. A stream I have almost complete control of. If it can be described in text, I have complete power over it."

Suddenly, as if it were a jump cut in a movie, without any intermediate motions at all, Wall Breaker appeared holding Apple Bloom's knife to Joe's head. "Things are looking pretty hopeless, aren't they!?" he yelled. Then, he noticed Applejack and Apple Bloom tense, and waved the knife around some more. "And don't either of you think about trying anything! I'll cut him. You know I will." He smiled. "And I know enough about your characters to know you can't risk that. The world may be different from that story now, but everything from the past still applies, and that still gives me an advantage. So, why don't you just give up?"

Applejack and Apple Bloom just stood there, angry for a couple seconds.

And then, Applejack had an idea.

"Anything that can be represented in text, huh…?" she muttered.

Wall Breaker's ears perked. "What are you saying?"

Applejack's eyes narrowed. "So," she said. "Does that mean your one weakness is things that cannot be represented in text?"

Wall Breaker snorted. "Idiot! Everything can be represented in—"

And with that, Applejack suddenly burst into the first song she could think of.

"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall!

98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall!

97 bottles of beer on the wall, 97 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 96 bottles of beer on the wall!

96 bottles of beer on the wall, 96 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 95 bottles of beer on the wall!

95 bottles of beer on the wall, 95 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 94 bottles of beer on the wall!

94 bottles of beer on the wall, 94 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 93 bottles of beer on the wall!

93 bottles of beer on the wall, 93 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 92 bottles of beer on the wall!

92 bottles of beer on the wall, 92 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 91 bottles of beer on the wall!

91 bottles of beer on the wall, 91 bottles of beer!
Take one down and pass it around, 90 bottles of beer on the wall!

90 bottles of beer on the wall, 90 bottles of beer!"

Then, she stopped, and the landscape fell into an entirely less eerie silence than before.

"…with all due respect, Celestia, you really made a mistake when you banned her from apple farming…" Wall Breaker said, scratching his ears. He glared at Applejack. "But despite what you might think, rupturing my eardrums is not going to—!"

He then suddenly noticed he had no hostage.

He looked behind him, and saw Apple Bloom carrying him off some distance away, followed by, hesitantly, some of the other humans.

His mouth hung open. "Wha…!? Bu…!?"

"Music," Applejack said, smiling. "That's the one thing that cannot be completely represented in text. You can write down the lyrics, sure, but the notes, the tone, and the delivery? You can represent those with a musical score, but certainly not in prose. And that's where your abilities lie, isn't it?" She took some steps towards Wall Breaker. "So, of course, you also must know that, when a song appears in a work of fiction, it completely overtakes the scene—and there is no other narration."

Wall Breaker stood there, silently fuming for a bit, but he could not argue against what clearly had just worked. He could, however, put an end to this nonsense as quickly as he could. "Oh, to hell with it," he said, his voice an angry whisper. "I'm done playing Mr. Nice Guy. I don't care if the rating of this story has to be raised to Mature."

Quicker than Applejack could blink, he sunk into the water again and reappeared in front of Apple Bloom and the others. Immediately, he punched Apple Bloom and Joe far apart, his forelegs stretching out at least five times their normal length.

Right before Apple Bloom hit the ground, though, he materialized behind her and hit her again, with enough force to send her even faster in the other direction.

"Apple Bloom!" Applejack said, running to her as quickly as she could.

He continued this a few more times from different sides, and the force of his punches made Apple Bloom fly with much more velocity than she should've been able to build up in that space. She was an earth pony, but she was young, and hitting the ground that the speed would surely kill her.

The humans seemed just as shocked at the scene than Applejack, but they quickly came to their senses. A group of three people ran over to where they thought she would land and extended their arms.

Apple Bloom's eyes widened as she realized what they were doing. "No, wait—!"

But it was too late. She slammed into them at a very high speed, knocking them all to the ground with the force of a speeding train. The force of the impact killed the first two, and left the third human barely alive, but they had succeeded in their goal. They considerably softened Apple Bloom's blow.

She hit the ground with merely a fractured skull and all her ribs broken, as opposed to instantly being pulverized.

"APPLE BLOOM!" Applejack screamed, reaching her a second too late. Running faster wouldn't have helped, though—the entire scene took place in little more than 15 seconds. Applejack had not been slow at all. The only reason the humans had been able to do anything to help Apple Bloom was that they had started out closer to her.

Apple Bloom seemed lost for words, and not just because of her injuries. "You…" she said, staring at the human who was still alive, able to move her eyes, but not her head, "you… you didn't… you didn't have to…"

"It's… okay…" the human got out. "You… inspired us… all of us." She coughed. "Hah… Friendship… is magic… right?"

The human was abruptly cut off, though, by Wall Breaker stomping on and bursting her head, as he had done to the first one. "How touching," he said, his white fur stained with blood. He might've cared about that before, and considered it somehow ungraceful, but now, he was beyond that. He was beyond shame. "That's right. I'm a pretty edgy villain, aren't I?" he said, once again, appearing to look at nothing in particular. "That's what you all like, right? Edgy villains? And what's more edgy than someone that kills a lot? No one's done that before, right!?" He laughed, although it came out more like a high-pitched screech. "See!? See!? I can do more than break the fourth wall! I'm not a flat character at all! No! I'm not! Not at all! I do other things! Like screw fillies! Like Diamond Tiara! Isn't that original!?"

Applejack was lost for words. Almost. "You… demon."

"In this world, it's the opposite, though, isn't it?" Wall Breaker said. "I'm the normal one. You, for having any morals at all, are the demon!"

Applejack readied herself. He was just talking incomprehensible gibberish again. And they had found some of his weaknesses. She inhaled…

"Hot girls we have problems too!
We're just like you!
Except we're hot, hot, hot, hot!
The world needs to open their eyes, and real—!"

But then, Applejack stopped when she noticed that Wall Breaker was no longer there.

Instead, Apple Bloom's knife now hovered in the air above her chest, Wall Breaker's face in its reflection.

"That won't work twice!" he screeched. "The first time, you caught me off guard, but now, I see that strategy gives me advantages too! If a song stops the normal flow of narration, that means I can just do anything I want offscreen!"

Applejack could figure out whether that made any sense later. "NO!" she screamed, and lunged for the knife.

But then, while in midair, someone grabbed the knife, making Applejack hit the ground. She looked up.

Joe was standing above her, holding the knife.

"J-Joe…" she got out.

Joe held the knife up, and stared at it. "I break the knife in half," he said. "I break you in half."

He then grabbed both ends of the knife, pulled down, and made the blade shatter.

Wall Breaker materialized a couple feet away, but he was too late. His body had a massive gash in the middle, and he laid there, wheezing, as most of his blood trickled out.

Applejack looked between Joe and the knife. "Wha…?"

"For a normal person, the difference between a knife and themselves would be very large," Joe said. "But Wall Breaker's powers work on narration. And in narration, the only difference between him and that knife was a single word—especially after he merged himself with it."

Applejack had…

pity…

me…

save…

Applejack looked over at Wall Breaker's mangled body, her brow furrowed.

She… save…

no… not…weak…

Applejack decided to ignore Wall Breaker for now, and attended to Apple Bloom, who wasn't doing so well herself.

"Apple Bloom…" Applejack said, leaning over her.

Apple Bloom turned her eyes to Applejack. "I… I don't think… I'm going to make it out of this one…" she said, smiling bitterly.

Applejack choked, and tears formed in her eyes. "I know. I know…" she said. "I'm sorry. You should have…"

"No, no…" Apple Bloom said. Her smile became more peaceful now. "This… this is what… I wanted…"

"What?"

"After everything… I've been through… I've… I've realized… that dying… for having too much faith… in the goodness… of someone's heart… is probably one of… the better ways to go. That's what… you said… right?"

Applejack was silent.

"You know… why I was always… obsessed… with finding my cutie mark? Because… I wanted… to break… the curse. I wanted… to never… get a cutie mark… in apples." Her eyes looked down at her flank. "And I guess… I succeeded, right? I succeeded… at my one goal… in life. And I never… became… a monster… to do it."

Her eyelids began to droop.

"So… don't worry, Applejack…" she said. "I'm… happy."

And with that…

Her eyes closed for the last time, and the life faded from her smile. But still, even in this moment, it appeared… she was in peace.

But immediately afterwards, sparkles of light gathered around her flank, and it appeared. A picture.

A picture of a single apple.

Did it mean that, in her final moments, she became a true Apple by the sheer force of her will?

Or was it one last sneer from Celestia, in an attempt to desecrate the dead?

Regardless, Applejack knew that Apple Bloom never would have wanted that mark there, and she screamed. She let out a roar that echoed across the landscape far more than any sound Wall Breaker was able to produce, and she clawed away as that cutie mark with her bare hooves, trying to erase it with her brute strength. But after a few seconds, she knew. She knew she couldn't.

She couldn't destroy her sister's corpse like that!

Finally, she collapsed against her, sobbing and wailing.

And then, she felt a set of hands press against her neck.

"W-Wha… bu…!?" she said, struggling against Joe's iron grip. But then, she looked into his eyes, and realized that it was not Joe who was strangling her.

"Joe is Joe. Joe is Wall Breaker," he said with that unmistakable sleazy smile. "It's only a difference of one word. And in my state of desperation, I'm capable of anything!"

Applejack struggled more, in vain.

"Don't worry," he said. "I don't have the strength to kill you. I just wanted to get the last word."

"Wha—?"

"You changed the story a little bit by defeating me like this," he said. "But this was a very, very inconsequential chapter in the story. Nothing we did here today had any effect on the fate of this world. I know the future, and I'll tell it to you, because I know it will torment you more than anything you've done to me!"

Joe's possessed face came close to her ear, and whispered.

"The apocalypse is coming. You can probably guess who destroys the world. And guess what? Every single one of your friends will play a part in it. They… will be monsters. You think you've seen it all? You've seen nothing. Even compared to me, they will become hideous beings beyond comprehension. The only exception… will be you. The only one without guilt… will be you. Because your fate will be to watch helplessly as the sky crumbles!"

Joe, and Wall Breaker, began to laugh, but Wall Breaker began to lose his hold. Not before getting in one last stab, though. Right as his control slipped, he instantly made Joe's chest collapse in on itself, killing him instantly.

Applejack fell to the ground, and loudly gasped for air. She looked around wildly, but could not see Wall Breaker's corpse anywhere. He must have…

Dammit.

There was no one left.

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

She hit the ground over and over, but nothing happened. She knew nothing would happen. And yet… no. Every single thing she had left to live for had been destroyed in a flash.

How would she…?

And then… she heard a noise.

It was unlike any noise she had heard. At first, it was hard to hear, but as the seconds passed, it grew louder and clearer. It sounded like some kind of groan—no, like metal. It sounded like metal rubbing on metal.

No… she knew that sound.

It was a key.

A key rubbing against metal.

And as the sound grew louder, something else also became clearer. A shape manifested itself on the water. At first, it began as a light, but as it pulsed in and out, its edges became more defined, and Applejack could see that in reality, it was a box.

A box that with each pulse, became more and more blue, until finally, with a thud, it finally completely materialized, and she could read the text on top.

Police Box.

The door of this box creaked open, and out stepped a grey pegasus with blonde hair, her eyes wrapped in a thick layer of bandages. But, even though those bandages completely blocked her vision, it was unsettlingly clear that she was looking directly at Applejack—no, into Applejack, as no mortal pony should have been able to.

"Would you like a chance," she said, in a deep, British accent, "to save the world?"

– – – –

Wall Breaker laid on the ground, wheezing, slowly crawling ahead, even though he knew it was probably futile.

Then, he saw her.

"You!" he said. "You're here! You're here for me! God! You're here for me!"

Pinkie Pie got off the rock and slowly walked towards what was left of Wall Breaker.

"Tell me," he said, "what do you see? You can see more than me, can't you? I can just see the story… just one possibility… but you can see the universe, can't you?"

Pinkie Pie continued walking slowly. "Why do you look up to me?" she said.

Wall Breaker paused. "Aren't you supposed to tell a joke? That's what you do, right? You tell jokes?"

"They only seem like jokes," Pinkie Pie said. "Answer me."

"Because you know everything."

"And why is that a good thing?"

"It makes you different."

Pinkie Pie smiled, but it was a hollow smile. "Knowledge is worthless," she said. "I am worthless."

Wall Breaker gaped. "What? Why?"

"I have one purpose in this world," she said. "To kill."

Wall Breaker laughed. "Come on. You say that like it's a bad thing!"

Pinkie Pie stopped, and looked down upon him. "You're sick. Your knowledge was a mistake. It's time to erase you."

Wall Breaker's eyes widened. "What? Erase? You couldn't do that! You're too nice!"

"I have no free will," Pinkie Pie said, raising her hoof, "and I'm acting on a higher authority than my own."

"Princess Celestia?"

"Even higher."

She lowered her hoof into his head and crushed his brain. He died instantly, and with hardly a sound.

Pinkie Pie lifted her hoof outside his head and took a deep breath.

Discord appeared. "You didn't need to be so humane about it. Wasn't he, as you so often put it, a 'demon'?"

Pinkie Pie glared. "Go to hell."

"I am hell. That's what some people have called this world, right?"

Pinkie Pie scoffed. "The will of a universe… in a physical body," she seethed. "I still can't believe you did something like that. All just to bring forth that horrible future."

"I don't understand."

"Of course you don't. And that makes you a monster." Pinkie Pie glared. "If you ever show your face in this world again while I'm alive, I will kill you."

"You can't do that."

"I am the Weapon. You designed to me to be able to kill anything and anyone. Try me."

Discord blinked.

Then he disappeared.

Pinkie Pie began walking back to Ponyville.

"Now just to wait… for my final duty."

Celestia's Certification

After finishing her normal classes for the day, Twilight headed to her private lessons with Celestia.

They always made her feel a bit uncomfortable. She wasn't entirely sure why. On the surface, she could agree with Celestia's rationale for teaching it like that. But still, she always got the vague sense that it somehow broke some rules of decorum. It didn't weigh on her mind much—now, even her embarrassment about the subject had begun to fade—but it still bothered her.

She couldn't even confirm her doubts with anyone. Celestia has said to keep the class a secret from everyone else, and when Celestia said to do something, you obeyed.

Was Celestia hiding that class because it was somehow inappropriate?

Or was there some other reason?

Surely Celestia had many reasons for hiding things. Twilight, as her sole protégé, had nearly unprecedented access to every corner of Canterlot. She knew details about the government it would've taken years for others to piece together. It was no surprise that Celestia would want her to keep some things to herself.

But… she didn't ask for anything else to be hidden. Short of actually giving someone the combination to the dungeon lock, Twilight could tell anyone anything she wanted about the castle—Celestia had said so herself. "My security isn't feeble enough to be taken down by mere information," were her exact words.

So why did she want this, and only this, hidden?

Of course, Twilight had slipped occasionally. When in a rush, she had told a couple servants that she was on her way to a class with Celestia. Most hardly reacted. And those that did seemed only to react to the prospect of being alone with Celestia for any reason whatsoever, which wasn't unusual at all. Twilight had certainly not been careless enough to actually let slip the contents of the class, so they couldn't have been reacting to that.

But… that didn't matter. What mattered was learning. This was a class, and just like any other class, Twilight wanted to conquer this one, and learn everything she could about this subject.

She gave the special knock on the door, and slowly, magically, it opened.

Inside, the room was almost pitch black. There were no windows, and it was lit only by the lights from what must've been a thousand small scented candles. Some of them, in typical royal flourish, were magically suspended in the air. No doubt there was a magic rune drawn somewhere in the room to manage that. That was the only way to automatically manage a spell like that. Or maybe each candle had a rune drawn on it…

"Focus, Twilight," Celestia said, lounging on a bed with silk sheets in the middle of the candles. "Today, in sex education, you'll learn a very important lesson." She smiled. "How to please an immortal."

– – – –

Twilight woke up with a start, sweating more than she would've liked.

The memories were returning. The memories she had tried to erase.

She slowly got out of bed, quickly cleaning herself, and the sheets, off with magic. Before, it would've been unthinkable to use that much magic for something that petty. But now, after her transformation, even something like that was as simple as breathing. In fact, breathing itself, like sleeping, was beginning to feel like it was only a formality—a show she put on to convince other ponies she wasn't that different from them.

And, of course, to convince herself that she wasn't that much different from normal ponies.

She had been able to get scant information about her transformation. Celestia had refused to answer most of her questions about it. That, in retrospect, must've been why Celestia offered to answer three questions that day—so that, in the future, she could more easily deny Twilight's requests for information. That must've been what she meant when she said Twilight had asked "the wrong questions." Twilight had assumed Celestia would kill her, so she had asked nothing about herself and her future. Now, she was deeply regretting that. Now, those were the only things she truly wanted answers to.

She had gleaned one thing from Celestia. "Your body will constantly try to revert to a state of perfection."

To this, Twilight had said, "But isn't perfection an arbitrary concept that changes with time?"

Celestia had merely smiled, once again, and said, "Yes, it is."

Did she mean that Twilight's body would constantly change to adhere to society's idea of "perfection?"

Or did she mean that state she would always revert to was just one arbitrary definition of "perfection?"

Twilight could not know. She could vaguely understand the results of that, though. Whenever she got small injuries, like cuts or bruises, they would disappear within seconds.

If Twilight understood her correctly, Celestia was saying this—don't think of that as the wounds healing, think of it as your body reverting back to its "perfect state."

And that seemed to apply to different degrees to different parts of her body. To her brain, a "perfect state" must've been when she could remember every event of her life in perfect clarity. And as it slowly reached that stage, the memories that she had suppressed, even magically, were coming back.

Maybe her brain was transforming more slowly in order to avoid the insanity would result from everything becoming that clear so quickly. It seemed unlikely Celestia would do something so kind, but, then again, if she had undergone the same transformation, of course she would take things like that into account. And other parts of her ascension seemed to not be happening immediately. For example, she had no ethereal mane yet…

Twilight still wasn't quite sure what she was now. She knew she was an alicorn, obviously, but the thing was, nobody really knew anything about alicorns. To the best of her knowledge, the only ones that existed were Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and her. There were only four of them—and until recently, only three. And none of them had consented to be studied in any detail. Twilight's only source of information on how an alicorn's body worked was Celestia—and she wouldn't talk. Twilight wasn't even sure if she was completely immortal now or not. It seemed like she could recover from any injury within seconds, but so far, they had only been minor injuries. She hadn't actually attempted to cheat death yet. She was too scared to.

If she wasn't immortal, she would die. And if she was immortal, then…

Twilight shook her head. She didn't want to think about that.

That was the thing that really weighed on her mind. Who cared about her ability to recover from injuries—the important part was, did she age? Would she ever grow old, or die? If her body constantly reverted to "a state of perfection," did that mean…?

No. There was no way of knowing. That was the one thing Celestia refused to give any answer to. Twilight was left to figure that out herself. And the only ways for her to do that was to risk death… or wait.

Until she had proof that her body had stopped growing, or she actually survived a mortal blow… she would not know.

And so, in her hesitation, she chose to wait.

Even though the evidence she had at her disposal was not in her favor.

There were two things about her transformation that proved there was something deeply unnatural about it.

For one, she no longer… produced waste. That, no matter how you looked at it, meant that her body violated the law of conservation of matter.

For two, she no longer had to sleep. That, no matter how you looked at it, meant that her body violated the law of conservation of energy.

Those two laws had been proven scientifically time and time again.

And yet, right now, her own body violated them.

What did that mean?

– – – –

Twilight sat down in her recently appointed Royal Office™ and got to work. While her new body's abilities were obviously useful for brute force and displays of strength, they were also equally as useful for a more sedentary lifestyle. Never again would she have to worry about making her back sore from reading too long, using too much magic from writing too long, or even taking breaks to stretch or go to the bathroom. She could sit down and read and do paperwork for a week straight if she wanted, and the only fatigue she would suffer would be mental. And even then, it would not be tiredness—just boredom.

Perhaps because of this, Celestia had assigned Twilight an absolutely horrible amount of paperwork to handle. Most of the time, she was so caught up in those duties she hardly had time to step outside. If there was a way to prevent Twilight from realizing if she was truly immortal or not, this was it. Holed up like this, she would never end up in situations that would test her strength.

Twilight sometimes wondered if that was intentional.

Lately, she had been assigned quite a bit to do in regards to the human colony. Apparently, one of the mayors there had suddenly grown shrewd, and took advantage of every loophole they could find to stave off Celestia and her forces. Celestia, growing tired of dealing with the situation, passed management of it over to Twilight. But since she knew that Twilight would likely go easy on the colony if she knew the whole situation, she decided to obfuscate things a bit.

Every week, Twilight would receive two conflicting reports about what was happening in the human colony. One was the truth, and the other was a lie. She was never sure which was which, and Celestia cut off every means she could use to find out the truth. Given this information, she had to write instructions on how to deal with both scenarios, with no idea which one was actually going to be used.

She tried to figure out which report was reality, but through intuition alone, she could not make any headway. Both worlds the reports described seemed equally ridiculous—the rogue mayor was either Hillary Clinton, a fairly average human politician that had suddenly turned into a masked, caped warrior for justice, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, a human actor known for governing one of the largest and most inefficient states in the world.

One of them was real.

The other was not.

Or were both real, or neither real?

Twilight could not tell. Nothing ever jumped out as an immediate fabrication. But as the months went on, it became increasingly obvious that no matter which of the mayors was real, Twilight, even with this many handicaps, was consistently outwitting them. Whoever they were, they were likely cursing her name for squashing their efforts. But really, she didn't even know who they were.

Of course, she could have just gone down to the human colony to check. But Celestia had expressly forbidden that. And Twilight wasn't sure what Celestia would do to her if she directly disobeyed her. She didn't want to find out what she was capable of withstanding, so she didn't resist. Even though she had so much power at her disposal, she obeyed Celestia even more meekly than before.

Her friends must've thought she was being weak for not trying to help them from her position of authority.

And they were right.

She was being weak.

She was scared.

So scared she did nothing.

Nothing at all, but meekly obey…

– – – –

There were a couple knocks at the door, and Twilight got up to answer. It was her one and only appointment that day—one she dreaded.

"Hello, darling!" Rarity said, bursting in and holding yet another dress with magic. "Here you go, your latest piece, just like you ordered!"

If Spike was there, he might have reconsidered his pledge to never take the STD plunge with Rarity. She was handling the extra years quite well, and was beginning to actually wear some of her ensembles.

Twilight didn't understand it, but there was something about clothes that just made men wild.

But Twilight had released him from his duties long ago, and had no idea where he was now. He had taken the opportunity to be away from her and her friends… a little too enthusiastically…

"Thanks," Twilight said. She hastily grabbed the dress from Rarity's grasp and, unbeknownst to her, discreetly applied for cleaning spell to it. "At least I can use you for something," she muttered.

"What was that?"

"O-Oh! Nothing!" Twilight stammered, although she was perfectly capable of hiding the truth without such theatrics if she wanted. With her increased strength had come increased control—she could maneuver every part of her body down to the millimeter she had to. She had only stammered to irritate Rarity. "I just never realized how much… schmoozing being a princess entailed."

Rarity made a cocky grin. "And having dresses made by the most popular fashion designer in Equestria must be quite a conversation starter, am I right?" she said, doing things with her eyebrows.

"Er, yes," Twilight said, hanging the dress up. She did have to admit, Rarity's dresses did look good. Her increased senses had only given her more respect for that. The amount of detail in them really was incredible. It was hard to believe such delicacy could come from such… a jackass.

Twilight tried to be polite, though. "It must be tough, though. I'm sorry for putting in all these last-minute orders, but you know how Celestia is." She looked at the the dress again. "Seriously, how do you even do this? I just called you yesterday…"

Rarity seemed a bit caught off guard by Twilight's calm response, but carried on. "Oh, you know," Rarity said coyly, "someone's famous as me always has to be prepared."

Twilight also grinned. "Oh, don't tell me these dresses are actually store-bought or something…" Not that she would care if they were. Arrogance aside, Rarity was right. Having her name attached to them meant Twilight could avoid talking about herself at parties, which was a small mercy, and having Rarity's price tag attached to them meant she had a pretext to slowly decimate Celestia's treasury. Even though money was probably a meaningless concept for someone like Celestia, it still felt good to get back at her a little bit.

The look on Rarity's face told her that wasn't quite it, though. "The truth is," she said, smiling, looking out a window in the direction of Ponyville, "I haven't made you a new dress for a couple years now."

A cold shiver ran up Twilight's spine, and her heart, to the degree that it had kept beating, briefly stopped. Her eyes grew wide, and her forehead creased as she tried not to think about the implications of what Rarity had just said. "What? What do you mean?"

Rarity looked back, smiling innocently, but to Twilight, it looked much more devious. "I made about 20 dresses for you in advance a couple years ago," she said. "Your measurements were changing so little, I figured, why not? That way I wouldn't have to keep holding up everyone else's orders when yours came in. Usually it would be a problem to keep up with the trends doing that, but seeing as I set the trends…" She walked over to Twilight. "Not to mention, the look on your face right now is just incredible. Totally worth it."

"Rarity…"

"If you want to fire me, that's fine. I'll just give you all the dresses at once. I really—"

"Rarity," Twilight said with a little more power than she wanted, making Rarity jump. "What exactly do you mean by 'too little'?"

"Oh, you mean your measurements?" Rarity said. "Ever since you become, you know, an alicorn, they've been really consistent. I guess—"

"How much? How much of they changed!?"

"Well, not at all, really. Just by a couple centimeters, to be honest, but that might have just been…"

Twilight was having difficulty breathing evenly now—or at all, really. "Do you have my measurements from right after my ascension on file?"

"Yes, of course, but they're at home, so…"

Twilight glared. Rarity retreated a bit more. "Tell me where. I'll pick them up."

Rarity finally noticed that something unusual was going on. "Twilight? What are you…?"

"I want you to remeasure me," Twilight said. "As accurately as possible. And I want you to compare it to that day five years ago… and see if it's changed. At all."

– – – –

A couple minutes later, Twilight teleported back with her old measurements and Rarity's tape measure, and Rarity got to work. She measured Twilight's every nook and cranny, looking back to her old measurements and frowning occasionally. But even then, she'd just shake her head and continue on. Twilight didn't ask anything while this was going on. She didn't want to know the result until the very end.

After measuring a few areas Twilight was reasonably sure were not needed for any respectable dress, Rarity stood back, sighed, and said it.

"Well, Twilight," she said, "I don't know how to say it, but… nothing's changed. Not by a millimeter. Even your hair… I don't think it's grown an inch."

Twilight stood there, completely still. She froze, and more than just metaphorically. She was completely still. The need to blink, to breath, to act alive left her.

Because she had finally gotten it.

Proof.

Proof that her body… had stopped growing.

"Well," Rarity laughed ruefully, "I guess it's true. Celestia and Luna have lived for thousands of years. I guess you're eternally young too." She clicked her tongue, irritated. "What I would give to be in your position…"

Twilight twitched. She could have punched Rarity in the face right there.

How could she?

How could she!?

She knew.

She knew!

She knew!

Celestia knew. This whole time. She knew.

She knew Twilight wouldn't age.

She knew she would have to outlive everyone she knew.

To watch generation after generation die.

To watch entire civilizations rise and fall.

To see every type of war, every type of disaster, every type of depravity with her own eyes.

She knew that the life of the mortal would become a blink of the eye to her.

Celestia knew that Twilight's friendships were the only things that mattered to her…

…and so she found a way to take that away.

No, it was worse than that.

She did more than just sever her ties with her friends.

She severed Twilight's ties with every other being in the world!

This was no reward!

This was never a reward!

No, this was torture!

This was Celestia's best and worst torture!

"Twilight…?"

Twilight glared at Rarity with a fury unknown to most beasts, making her hide in a corner like a small prey animal.

Twilight was done pretending to be a normal, mortal pony. She was clearly something else, and in this form, her anger reached new heights. At that moment, she probably could've killed something.

But then, she realized there was a more appropriate way to direct her anger.

There was one other thing she needed to find out.

Quickly, she searched the room, and took a hatchet off the wall. That must've been part of her plan too. Celestia knew that she'd realize this eventually, and would inevitably…

"TWILIGHT!? WHAT ARE YOU—!?"

– – – –

There were very few states you could walk through Canterlot Castle and not be harassed by any guard for any reason.

Twilight was in one of those states.

She slowly walked through the hallway up to the throne room. Her steps were slow, graceful, but also dangerous, as if with each step, she was holding back in order to avoid crushing the floor. Her face was filled with fury.

Despite what many people thought of her, Celestia rarely got angry. Even in her worst moments, she merely laughed at you, and deemed you too insignificant to deal with. So, for many, this was the first time they had actually laid eyes on a truly angry alicorn. It had an effect on them that they could not quite explain.

Just like humans are programmed to be instinctually afraid of a lion's growl… they were instinctively afraid of her.

The truth was, though, they had nothing to fear. She was focused on one point. She hardly even noticed the other people in the castle. She focused on one point, and she was going to get there, and no one was going to stop her. That wasn't because she would knock anyone who tried out of her way—it was because no was going to try to stop her.

Finally, she reached the tall doors of the throne room… and threw them open with her hooves. Usually, that was a job reserved for the two guards next to the doors, and it took them a good minute to push them all the way open. But for Twilight, it was something she did with her bare hooves in mere seconds. A thunderous boom filled the room as the doors collided with the walls at a speed they certainly were not designed for.

Everyone in the room fell silent and looked upon her.

Celestia, in particular, stopped what she was doing, and made direct eye contact with her.

Twilight's glare only intensified, and she let out a low growl. It was probably much more intimidating than she had intended…

…for the hatchet embedded directly in her neck mangled her vocal cords considerably.

Celestia smiled. "I take it you found out, then?"

Twilight did not honor that with a response.

Celestia looked around the throne room. "I would recommend leaving," Celestia said. "While your appointments may have been made months, or even years in advance…" Celestia looked at Twilight once more. "…I have been waiting for this day for millennia."

There were no objections from the crowd, who quickly and respectfully shuffled out. Even the guards left, and after receiving a subtle wing signal from Celestia, they pulled the doors closed. With a similarly loud thud, they closed shut, and with a loud click, they were locked.

"You told me," Twilight said, "that I wasn't completely immortal."

Celestia gracefully walked down the stairs, showing a predatory smoothness of movement reserved only for when she was greeting another of her species. "I told you," Celestia said, "that I saved the best for myself. That wasn't a lie." She cocked her head up, and looked down on Twilight. "Because now… I get to see you here, like this."

Twilight continued glaring.

Celestia began circling around her, letting her ethereal mane and tail trail behind her in a perfect arc. "I thought you'd be smarter than that, Twilight," she said. "I thought you'd be a little more suspicious of me. Well, I guess you were, in your own way. But you were so scared of the prospect of being truly immortal you never followed up on it!" Celestia screamed that last part, but she was not angry. She was far from angry. Instead, her face was filled with the utmost glee. "I didn't think I could actually pull the wool over you, Twilight! But it looks like I could. I've never seen anyone take this long to realize their immortality. You… truly are unique. You've provided me with a lot of entertainment for the last five years, and I'm sure you can do very well in the millennia that follow."

Twilight laughed nervously. "Millennia…" she said. "If I'm like this… eventually, I'm going to see the world itself end… aren't I?"

"Of course," Celestia said, nuzzling up to Twilight's face. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Twilight scoffed. "You do realize… that this means you're going to have to deal with me for the rest of eternity, right?"

"Trust me, Twilight," Celestia said, licking her neck, traveling up to her hair, "I am very, very cognizant of that. I've had my eye on you for a very, very long time. When you tried to kill me the way you did… that was only the icing on the cake."

Twilight's eyes widened. "You… from when I was a child, you…!?"

"That's right, Twilight," Celestia whispered into her ear. She took a breath, and then said that she had waited to say for so long. "I have been on the lookout for a new, more durable toy for a very, very long time."

Before Twilight could even react, Celestia had her pinned into a wall, sending cracks through that entire side of the room. Twilight's body wasn't doing that well either, because the way Celestia was holding her up, she was grinding her shoulder bones into dust.

Celestia, to Twilight's horror, developed an even more hideous smile than usual, and begin cackling into the air. It was as if she was letting the floodgates of a thousand years of insanity finally bubble to the surface. "That's right!" she yelled. "Luna's no fun anymore, because she's used to it! I hardy even bother with her any more! And those puny mortals just die so quickly. But you? You!? That's not going to happen with you. I can do whatever I want with you, and you'll just spring back to life like nothing happened. I can do it over and over and over again! I won't have to waste time with meaningless restraints! I won't even have to hide any evidence!"

She thrust her hoof into Twilight's stomach and ripped out whatever she could find with no real rhyme or reason. Out went a stomach, a lung, an intestine, staining the floor and both their bodies red.

And Twilight noticed—she appeared to have infinite blood.

Then, Celestia let go of Twilight, letting her mangled body fall to the floor, embedding the hatchet further into her neck, and walked over to the entrails.

"You wanted to know more about your body, didn't you!? Well, here's your first lesson!" Celestia yelled.

She stomped on Twilight's organs with all her strength.

Twilight screamed.

"That's right! We can still feel pain even when our bodies are split open like a clock!" Celestia screamed. "You understand what that means, right? You are no longer a living being as most people understand it. Your body parts are not connected by bonds of flesh and blood. Your brain no longer dictates what you think or feel. Your entire body, every inch of it, is now a vessel for your soul, and as long as a single atom of it remains, your soul will be tied to this world!"

Celestia then got out of the way, as the blood and guts on the ground began to form together again, and form vast tracts of muscles as they reattached and pulled themselves back into Twilight's body. Twilight gasped in pain and shock as they set themselves back in place.

"Of course, we can't stay that way for long. That would be a weakness," Celestia said, slowly walking over to the wheezing Twilight. "I made sure to keep that in mind when I designed the Process. Someone could always 'kill' us by splitting our bodies into a million pieces and spreading them across the globe. So, guess what? Your body can make muscles and blood veins with such force that they can break through solid stone! So no, you can't die, not even from that. You can never die. Take my word for it. Never! You're now just as much of an abomination is I am! And guess what? You'll love it!"

Twilight looked up, glaring. "You're…" she got out, "…sick."

Celestia laughed again. "Oh, I knew. I knew you'd say that," she said. "This is great. This is great! This is great!"

And with that, once again, with such speed Twilight could hardly even watch her, Celestia came over to her body and began stomping on it with all her strength, over and over, and harder and harder, letting the floor crack as much as she pleased, and when the floor started buckling too much, she made a magic shield to capture the force so she could stomp even harder and pulverize that part of Twilight's body even more, and more, and more…

It was all Twilight could do to let out a few gurgly gasps in between the intense pain she was feeling, a pain that in five minutes had far exceeded what any mortal being would feel in their entire lifetime.

"You know what the best part of this is!?" Celestia yelled. "You know!?"

Twilight could not physically respond.

Celestia leaned into Twilight, now merely stepping straight through her instead of stomping. "I know you," she whispered. "You won't let yourself experience the reprieve of insanity. You'll be conscious… fully conscious… for all of this."

And a shiver passed through her, and her wings splayed open even more, and she laughed and laughed, and bit into Twilight's face, tearing chunks of flesh off, chunks of hair and eyeball, only to watch in glee as they quickly reattached themselves with great force. She crushed Twilight's jawline, snapped her horn off, plunged it into her heart, ripped her ears off, and screamed…

…with the utmost ecstasy.

– – – –

A cold wind blew through the castle in the evening.

An unexpected visitor arrived, and entered the castle.

Spike walked to the throne room, a bit confused and more worried. No one ever actually wanted Celestia to request an audience with them. If she did, it usually meant something was wrong, she was bored, or both. None of those ended well for the third party.

But she had insisted, and went as far as to use his sneeze message system to invite him. And, well, you knew what they said. When Celestia insists…

The guards lining the hallway looked sympathetic. They had no idea why he had been called either. They could only hope, like him, that Celestia wouldn't do anything too bad to such an important dragon.

Finally, he reached the door to the throne room. The guard in front solemnly pushed it open, and Spike walked inside. It slammed shut behind him.

It felt strange to have so many people notice him simultaneously.

"Hello, Spike," Celestia said, sitting perfectly still upon her throne. She looked somehow… more confident. "You're growing up to be quite handsome, you know. I like the horns."

Spike swallowed. He smelled something unpleasant in the room and did not really want to know what it was. "W-What did you call me here for?"

"Just to talk," Celestia said, standing up. She approached Spike. "Don't worry, I won't lay a hoof on you. Unless you give me a reason to, of course."

At this point, her tail brushed against Spike's face. "Yes. Of course."

Celestia decided to give the dragon a little personal space. She walked over to a window. Not the one Twilight pushed her out all those years ago. That one made her hurt to this day. "Tell me. Has Twilight… ever told you anything about your family?" she said.

"Not really," Spike replied. "She said there were so many of those dragon eggs no one really knew what came from who."

Celestia looked back at Spike. "Aren't you curious?"

"I've never really thought about it," Spike said. "When I met other dragons, I didn't like them, so I've never pursued it."

Celestia turned around fully now, and smiled. Her wings unfolded.

Spike froze. He knew those signs. She was going to enjoy whatever happened next.

"Do you want to know?" Celestia said. "Do you want to know your true family lineage?"

Spike figured he didn't have much choice in the matter.

"I'm going to tell you something," Celestia said. "It's going to be a bit shocking, but I want you to remain calm. Will you?"

Spike nodded, wondering how she was planning to drive him insane with nothing but words.

Celestia's smile widened.

With this, the wheels of the next part of her plan would be set in motion.

"Spike… you're not adopted."

Sweetie's Song

Sweetie Belle woke up, and immediately noticed something was wrong.

The house was quiet.

Too quiet.

There was none of the grinding, thumping, or complaining that usually happened this time in the morning. There was just… nothing.

Rarity said she'd be back the next morning. Usually, when she said stuff like that, she was right. In fact, usually, she was past right—she was home earlier. Her… effusive personality could turn even most esteemed unicorns into a gibbering mess, and she often gave them the perfect excuse to teleport her back home. Far too many times, Sweetie Belle had been wandering around the house, thinking she was alone, when Rarity was teleported mid-sentence or in more… compromising situations.

And when she intentionally came home early… it was usually with a suitor. Which was invariably worse, even when she didn't kidnap them for a day or month or two.

So, the fact that she wasn't home now, almost a full day after she said she would be back… was incredibly strange.

What did she say she was going to do again?

That's right… she said she was going to a "Straight Pride" fair.

So, an orgy.

Sweetie Belle shook her head. Yes, it was probably offensive to just assume that. She was well aware that much of what Celestia said was propaganda, complete gibberish, or both.

But… Rarity was going there.

Sweetie Belle slid out of bed and decided to look around the house. Maybe Rarity was already home, but was drunk enough that she decided to sleep inside a locked cabinet again.

Maybe she'll actually bring home a little sister this time, Sweetie Belle thought as she absentmindedly looked through a chest of drawers. That was always the excuse she gave Sweetie Belle when she was younger. Technically, it wasn't a lie… but somehow, it never happened.

Despite having unprotected sex with almost every stallion that had the misfortune of crossing her path… Rarity never got pregnant. Or STDs. It was like she was pure concentrated birth control or something.

There was a certain irony in that.

Sweetie Belle, reluctantly, was in Rarity's bedroom now. On the floor, and on the adjacent wall, there was a discolored patch where a large object had blocked sunlight for a long time.

That… time machine.

What was it called again?

…the TARDIS.

Sweetie Belle thought back. That was the day she helped rescue that stallion Rarity, for some reason, refused to let go of. And when she met that mare.

Ditzy.

Until then, she had only known her as Derpy, the klutz. But that day… that changed. Ditzy was overflowing with intelligence. She was a little rude… but she could back it up. And in another world, she did. In another world, she was a star. Sweetie Belle believed that much of what she said. The way she acted… there was no way that wasn't true.

Sweetie Belle was sure she could only hope to capture a small glimmer of the accomplishments of that mare.

Ever since that day, she admired her. And sometimes… that turned into a little more than admiration.

Where was she now?

When was she now?

Sweetie Belle often wondered that. She was probably out in the far future, saving Equestria from millions of years old monsters or something. And she would do it with style. Even if she didn't want to. That's how she was.

She had become Sweetie Belle's ideal mare.

Someone who knew everything.

Someone who could protect you.

Someone who could tell you what you needed to hear… not what you wanted.

She was the only person that had given Sweetie Belle a straight answer about what she was.

She told Sweetie Belle she wasn't a robot. Until then, Sweetie Belle couldn't even be sure of that much.

In retrospect, it didn't make much sense. To the best Sweetie Belle could tell, she was made of flesh and blood. She bled blood, not oil. She didn't explode on contact with water. She didn't have to be charged by jamming batteries in her butt. She wasn't constantly wearing weird black metal speedos. Her nipples didn't glow in the dark.

But since she was told so often that she was a robot, she could not help but take the notion seriously. After all, if the rest of society said she was a robot, who was she to deny that? They had been around much longer than her. They had much more experience.

Surely… their judgments were more sound than hers… right?

And so, for the longest time, even though she tried to laugh it off, she took the idea seriously. She examined her own life in detail, and tried to figure it out.

Could I have thought that way… because I'm a machine?

Could I have been treated like that… because I'm not a real pony?

Not a real life?

She thought. She questioned. She even risked the ball of crankiness known as Twilight to check out some books on robotics from the Ponyville library. And even they just said that thinking robots, like her, were completely impossible—even for masters of technology, like humans and Applejack.

But even in spite of all that… Ditzy's word was the only thing that helped Sweetie Belle put that concern to rest.

That just left the other side of her.

Was she a demon?

Ditzy couldn't tell for sure. All she could say was that through her x-ray vision or whatever, Sweetie Belle's physiology seemed normal. So Sweetie Belle would have to solve on that her own.

But then she realized… that might not be possible.

After all, the definition of a "demon" is subjective.

Anything with sufficient sin is a "demon."

Anything unnatural enough is a "demon."

So how could Sweetie Belle say, with any confidence, that she wasn't?

How could anyone in her family say they weren't?

Apparently everyone in her and Rarity's family had a "curse." It varied in power, and was stronger in the earlier generations, but it was always there. Even in Rarity, apparently—although she refused to tell Sweetie Belle what it was.

When Sweetie Belle heard about this, it immediately struck a chord. The next time her parents came over, she asked about it. They said the same things Rarity said… but they had evidence. Her mother pulled out a family tree, the first one of her family Sweetie Belle had seen. It seemed to be some kind of secret. Sweetie Belle wondered why a family tree would be a secret… but then she noticed.

It cut off.

At a certain point… a pony appeared to come into existence…

…without parents.

At first, she thought it was just to save space. But her mother confirmed it. They had looked into it as well, as every member of the family had… and were unable to find any evidence that this pony had parents.

According to every source they looked at…

And every witness they asked…

This adult was brought into existence with no family at all.

They had no past… and no future… other than an inexplicable urge to start a family.

If there was a "slut" gene, this is where Rarity got it from. This pony had 14 children, despite being involved with at least twice as many people. That's all anyone remembered about them. Their insatiable appetite for sex.

As if… it was their only purpose in the world.

And that was where the curses started. Sometimes it was something oddly specific wrong with one of their bodies. Sometimes it was a mental tic they had that confused everyone else. But always… everyone's perception of them… was somehow warped. Nearly everyone in that first generation… was accused of being a demon at least once.

After hearing a story like that…

…how could Sweetie Belle be certain she wasn't a demon? Or, at least, part demon?

Most ponies had nightmares they were secretly related to Celestia or something.

But what if… Sweetie Belle had something more undignified than an immortal's blood running through her veins?

– – – –

After searching the house to her heart's content, Sweetie Belle determined that no, Rarity was not home. She was probably going to come back sometime soon, but if she had been gone this long… Sweetie Belle had at least a little time to herself.

She decided, on a whim, to use Rarity's luxury shower. She was always jealous of that thing. Apparently, it has been imported from some distant country, and had some amenities added by humans. Like a completely worthless digital clock or something. What was it with humans and digital clocks? Sundials were the only clocks worth a damn in Equestria, since Celestia and Luna never really cared about how long each day was anyway, but whatever. Nothing seemed quite human if it didn't have a digital clock on it.

After running the water on full blast for about 15 minutes to wash out any… gunk Rarity or her friends might have left behind, Sweetie Belle stepped in. There were, of course, no curtains or frosted glass doors or anything. Aside from a railing, the shower was completely exposed. As expected from someone as brash as Rarity.

…and from any species without a nudity taboo, to be honest.

Sweetie Belle stood there for a couple minutes, just reveling in the fact that the warm water actually worked in this part of the house, and that she, for once, actually had some of the water pressure for herself.

Then, she grabbed a brush, washed off whatever Rarityness might remain on it, and began scrubbing herself. The brush, which was likely made from the highest quality human hair, felt amazing against her fur.

At the moment, though, Sweetie Belle did not care about the specifics. She wasn't even washing herself right now—it just felt good to have some luxury for a bit.

If there was one bad thing about Rarity's bathroom—other than the countless dildoes, which Sweetie Belle cleared up beforehand—it was the obscene amount of mirrors. There was hardly anywhere you could look without seeing your own reflection. And even the surfaces that weren't mirrors were marble so polished they might as well been. Sweetie Belle could see her reflection everywhere… her lithe, tall reflection.

Years ago, she never could have imagined she would look like this. Sometimes, she felt she could easily fit in with the models Rarity used, but whenever she said anything even hinting that, people laughed—even after she made it completely clear she was talking about models Rarity used for fashion purposes.

And, in a sense, she couldn't blame them.

She was pushing twenty… and still didn't have a cutie mark.

Any longer than that and you were one of Celestia's playthings, but… there was still hope, right?

She shook slightly. This wasn't the time to think of such things. She scrubbed herself more vigorously, and started to sing an old nursery rhyme she had learned in school about Celestia. Something about the world burning alive or something. It was probably a metaphor or something.

After reaching the part about Celestia conquering "even herself," whatever that meant, Sweetie Belle grabbed the soap and stared at it for a couple seconds. Caught up in the moment, she thought.

She didn't want to be like Rarity, but… with these mirrors… maybe it would be fun to…

Then, it happened.

There was a flash of light, and because of the mirrors, Sweetie Belle immediately noticed.

"Wait, what!? I have—!? What!?"

She tried to turn around to get a better look, but her concentration lapsed, and she dropped the soap. Not paying attention, it landed above one of her raised feet, and…

…she slipped on it.

"AAAAAAGH!"

*CONK*

And that's how Sweetie Belle got a concussion.

– – – –

Darkness. That was all Sweetie Belle could see. Maybe her eyes still worked. Maybe they didn't.

She was beginning to not really care.

Dying while distracted in Rarity's shower wasn't the best way to go. But it probably wasn't one of the worst, either. The things Celestia did to her victims? Urgh.

She could accept a death like this.

But, Sweetie Belle quickly realized… she wasn't dead.

She was on… something soft.

A bed.

And… she could hear people talking in a hurried way. Tens of voices overlapping each other, saying incomprehensible stuff about medicine… and gossiping about who was a changeling or not.

A hospital.

She was in a hospital.

Sweetie Belle groaned, and tried to sit up. She thought she was in heaven for a second there—but then she realized she probably did not want to meet the god that allowed Celestia to do as she pleased.

As she groggily opened her eyes, a nurse noticed her. "Oh, you're awake!" he said, coming over. "We were worried about you for a bit there."

Sweetie Belle blinked. "You were?"

"Yeah." The nurse motioned at her head. Sweetie Belle realized there were quite a few bandages on it. "If you hadn't come in right away, it would've been the end for you."

Something seemed a little wrong with all of this, but Sweetie Belle couldn't quite put her horn on it. "What… happened?"

"You dropped the soap. On yourself," the nurse said with what, in any other universe, would have been a shocking lack of bedside manner. "Anyway, you nearly cracked your skull open. Actually, you did crack your skull open. But don't worry! We fixed that."

Sweetie Belle blushed. "Oh. Oops. I, uh…" Then, it clicked. "Wait. How did you know that?"

"Know what?"

"That I slipped on a bar of soap. Alone."

The nurse scratched his neck. "Er…"

"And how did I get here 'right away'?" Sweetie Belle looked around. "No one knew where I was. No one was expecting me. No one was watching me… right?"

"I'm, er, not sure I'm supposed to…"

"The B.B.S.," another voice said, and Sweetie Belle whipped her head around to see them. It was a bright pink mare that exuded confidence and sparkles. Sweetie Belle could have sworn she had… glitter in her hair.

And that it was getting everywhere.

Sweetie Belle coughed a bit, trying her best not to swallow any. "The what?"

"The B.B.S.," the mare repeated, adjusting her sunglasses so that the glare hit Sweetie Belle right in the face. "The Bathroom Broadcasting System. Celestia, in her infinite wisdom, keeps detailed watch over every bathroom, outhouse, and shower in Equestria."

Sweetie Belle almost thought of asking why.

"Yes, that's right," the nurse said, now confident he could speak freely, or, at the very least, blame the pink mare for any Celestia based carnage that happened. "Hospitals get unrestricted access to it. For… you know." He grasped for a word. "Emergencies."

The pink mare did her sunglass glare thing again. She smiled when Sweetie Belle winced. "And you know who else gets unrestricted access to everyone's bathrooms?"

Sweetie Belle got a sinking feeling. She was starting to get questions. That was a bad sign. "…who?"

The pink mare leaned into Sweetie Belle's face, breathing into her cheek. Sweetie Belle sneezed, making a small sparkly explosion. "…the music industry."

Everything started to fit together. That was a worse sign. "Oh no. You don't mean you heard me—?"

"We've heard a lot of things from you, Sweetie Belle. And I've got to say, we're quite impressed."

Sweetie Belle turned red and buried her face in her hooves.

The pink mare pulled out a piece of paper and pen from the same place Pinkie Pie stores her crap, and held it up to Sweetie Belle's face. "And you know what?" she said, smirking.

Sweetie Belle didn't smirk. Many of Pinkie Pie's parlor tricks had suddenly become less appealing. "What?"

"Vivace Records wants an exclusive contract with you."

Sweetie Belle just about lost it, for real this time. "Because I sang in the shower!? Are you crazy!?"

"Don't knock it. We get three fourths of our talent from bathroom surveillance."

Sweetie Belle facehoofed again.

"I would recommend taking it," the nurse said. "My cousin's not even a big pop star, and he's like, buried in dicks."

"What, like you?" the pink glitter mare said, sunglass glaring him now. The nurse slipped with a pen and probably doomed someone to that death council Celestia kept blaming Obama for.

"Look, I don't want to be buried in dicks," Sweetie Belle grumbled.

"You can also be buried in pussy," the pink mare said, wiggling the document as if this made it more appealing. "Just make sure to check that other box there."

Sweetie Belle glared.

"Actual cats are fine too, if that's what you're into…"

"Look," Sweetie Belle said, shaking her head. She hated to admit it, but she was actually considering accepting—but for completely different reasons than those two were thinking. "You would actually pay me money, right?"

The pink mare blinked, as if this was the first time anyone had asked this. "Yes," she said, "we can also pay you money."

Sweetie Belle continued glaring.

"…okay, fine. Only money."

Sweetie Belle breathed slightly easier.

"So," the pink mare said, getting into her face now, "what do you say?"

"I have to think about it."

"You have 30 seconds. Now or never."

Sweetie Belle started. "What!? When I have–had—am having a concussion!?"

"Welcome to Equestria."

"But what if that was the only good song I had in me!?"

"Then you can't work for anyone else, your life is ruined, and we're all happy."

Sweetie Belle gaped.

"…and you got a cutie mark in singing, so you basically can't get any other job now."

"What? Seriously?" Sweetie Belle had almost forgotten about that. She leaned over and looked at her cutie mark, which was indeed a microphone.

…probably.

It was a little abstract.

Sweetie Belle grabbed the paper. "Why didn't you just say so sooner?" she grumbled, and signed, making sure to avoid that box the pink mare mentioned earlier. "Here."

The pink mare folded the paper neatly and smiled. "Nice doing business with you," she said. She then, for the first time, took her sunglasses off… and winked.

She didn't have pupils.

A popular cosmetic alteration undergone by…

Sweetie Belle just about jumped out of her sheets. "Wha—!? Bu—!? You—!? You're blind!?"

"As a batpony," the pink mare said, then stopped. "Well, a bat. Batponies aren't actually blind, are they? Hmmm."

"But—! You were shining your sunglasses at me, and…"

"One of the benefits of working in the music industry," the pink mare said. "Haven't you ever noticed there's a rhythm to this world?"

Sweetie Belle froze.

She couldn't mean…

"Like," Sweetie Belle said, slowly, "everyone's being swept along by… a giant river?"

The pink mare smiled. "The boss was right. You should be interesting."

And she left, leaving a cloud of glitter behind her.

"What was that about?" the nurse said.

"I don't quite know myself," Sweetie Belle said. She looked at him. "So… do I have any other visitors?"

He shook his head. "I don't think so."

Sweetie Belle cocked hers. "Really? Not even Rarity?"

"Oh, your sister? She's dead."

He grabbed a newspaper from an angry patient.

The headline: Celestia Nukes So-Called 'Straight Pride Convention'

Sweetie Belle blinked. "What."

– – – –

Sweetie Belle was given about half a day to get over her sister's death.

There wasn't much to get over, honestly.

Who killed her? Celestia.

Could she have prevented it? Not a chance in hell.

Closure? Pretty much done.

On one hoof, she was a bit sad that Rarity, along with everyone else at that "straight convention," had been pulverized into a fine powder. But on the other hoof, Celestia helped organize the damn thing. What on earth were they expecting? Every event Celestia organized usually involved someone dying, just on general principle. So what did they expect to happen when bigotry was actually involved?

To be honest… she had prepared herself for Rarity's death a long time ago. Rarity pissed off so many people so much, Sweetie Belle was always surprised it hasn't happened sooner. So, she was a bit sad… but she had basically already gone through the mourning process. In the end, it didn't interfere with her training at all.

Her training was difficult for different reasons.

"I thon't sink sis is thormal thocal thraining," Sweetie Belle got out.

"It will be useful. Trust me," Crescendo, the blind pink glitter mare, said.

Sweetie Belle had some particularly strong dental floss tied to her tongue, and was currently trying to use it to pull a small anvil tied to the other end.

"What is ethen the thoint of this!?" Sweetie Belle said.

"A pop star needs to have a well-trained mouth," Crescendo said.

"I thought pop thars thust lip thynched!"

"Do you want to be a lip synch star?"

"…er, thot really…"

"See? That's why. And, you've gotta prepare for fame, you know."

"Thut?"

Crescendo leaned in closer. "What if Celestia asks you to give her a… 'private showing'?"

Sweetie Belle shuddered and suddenly began working harder.

After a couple more minutes, Crescendo had Sweetie Belle stop. "That's enough for today. You do have to eat, after all."

Sweetie Belle collapsed on the ground, her sore tongue hanging out. The last time she had worked out her tongue that much was when… no, she didn't want to think about it. There had to have been a better way for Fluttershy to clean off her animals…

Crescendo leaned into Sweetie Belle again, making her sneeze from the glitter. "Want me to use my tongue to make you feel a bit—?"

Sweetie Belle shook her head rapidly. "No, no, I really don't," she got out. She was really beginning to wonder about the motivations people had about getting into the music industry. Apparently, the fact that she wanted to be paid in actual money instead of sex was causing Vivace Records' paycheck department quite the problem.

For one, there now had to be one.

"You know, if you're straight, like your sister, you can tell me," Crescendo said, looking a bit disappointed.

"Crescendo. I'm gay. Really gay," Sweetie Belle said. "That does not necessarily mean I want to screw anything with an ovary." Although, in Equestria, that was rare enough that it practically counted as its own sexual orientation…

"Fine, have it your way," Crescendo said. She fished something out of her bag. "Here. Have some crackers."

Sweetie Belle munched on a saltine. It was a little plain, but considering that the alternative was probably someone's bodily fluids… it wasn't bad.

"So, how did you come to work at Vivace Records, anyway?" Sweetie Belle said, crunching and a bit bitter. "Did they harass you right after you got out of a mini-coma, like what you did to me?"

Crescendo was silent for a couple seconds, and then decided to speak. "I'm friends with Vivace, the owner."

"Vivace's a person?"

"Siren, but yes, basically." She paused, and looked down. She actually seemed to become serious. "What do you think it's like… being disabled in Equestria?"

Sweetie Belle swallowed. She had never really thought about it. Crescendo was the type of person that made it really easy to forget she was disabled, for one. She was like that human superhero, the Daredevil, except she seemed to have never considered using her powers for anything more than unbridled hedonism. Her disability seemed to be her advantage.

And yet…

"It's… it's really hard, right?" Sweetie Belle got out. "Aren't disabled children just abandoned on cliff faces or something?"

"That's one option," Crescendo said. If she took offense, she didn't show it. "…and that's the option my parents chose."

Sweetie Belle was silent.

"I was left on a cliff face by the ocean. Left to die," Crescendo said. "I don't remember much, but… I was confused. Scared. I had no idea what was happening… or where I was. I felt the ocean spray on me, so I knew there was water… but I knew nothing else." She paused. "…until I heard it."

"Heard what?"

"The Sirens' song."

Sweetie Belle froze. "Doesn't that mean they want to eat you?"

Crescendo smiled ruefully. "Sometimes," she said. "Sirens are like changelings. They don't necessarily eat 'food' the way we think of it. They feed on thoughts… emotions… companionship. And when they're desperate, that song alone can get them that." She looked down. "That day… she was desperate."

"Vivace?"

"Yes," Crescendo said. "Earlier that day, all of the other sirens had been captured or killed."

Sweetie Belle thought. "I thought… that they were 'sent to a high school in another dimension.'"

"Don't be naïve. That's a euphemism for being sent to the dungeon and you know it."

Suddenly years of history lessons made sense to Sweetie Belle.

"She didn't want to eat me. She just wanted… someone to be there as she died, to be honest. I don't think she expected to live beyond that day. I heard that… in her song. And even though I didn't know what was going on, even though I had never swam before… I jumped into the ocean to be there for her. That's the power of a Siren's song."

Sweetie Belle was silent.

"And you know what? The closer I got to her, the more even I began to see something. I realized… her song the first thing I had ever heard that didn't follow… 'the rhythm.'"

"'The rhythm'?"

"That's what me and Vivace have chosen to call it, at least," Crescendo said. "It's a concept that permeates this world. I believe you described it like a giant river sweeping everyone along. And that's right. If you listen closely… really closely… you'll notice that everyone, everything only moves at a certain tempo. And if anything breaks that tempo, even by fraction of a second… it causes a ripple effect that makes everyone perceive them differently. Do you begin to see what I'm getting at?"

Sweetie Belle was frozen in space.

"The Three—Celestia's henchmen—can break that rhythm occasionally, in very specific ways. That's where their power comes from. But I've only met two people that can break that rhythm all the time. Vivace… and you."

"But… why?" Sweetie Belle got out.

"I don't know," Crescendo said. "But as soon as I heard you, it became obvious. You could potentially yield power greater than the Three. And the only way you can do that… is to train as a singer."

"And if I yield that power…"

"…you could potentially find out what the force behind your life—all of our lives—is," Crescendo said. "Don't you want to do that?"

Sweetie Belle nodded.

"Figured I'd give you that pep talk," Crescendo said, trying to make this whole thing sound casual. "You seem to think becoming a pop star's a little petty. But I think, for you, it's the perfect choice. After all, who yields more power over people's thoughts? A classical musician, studied academically for centuries? Or a pop star, who might not last as long, but influences people now?"

Sweetie Belle could see a certain logic behind it. "Okay," she said. "I understand you. Whatever ability I have… I'll try to learn how to use it." She paused. "This isn't really training to sing, is it? It's more like… martial arts training."

Crescendo smiled. "Very good." Then, she sheepishly scratched the back of her neck.

Sweetie Belle blinked. "What is it?"

"So… er, can I eat you out now…?"

"Oh, for Celestia's—no!"

– – – –

Sweetie Belle's first job was at a nightclub. The task was simple—survive. In Equestria, in addition to rotten fruit and vegetables, it was perfectly legal to throw sharp knives and chainsaws at bad stage performers.

Why? Because Celestia. You should be getting the hang of this by now.

"Whether you sing well or dodge well, you'll be making good use of our training," Crescendo said, patting Sweetie Belle on the shoulder.

"Thanks," Sweetie Belle grumbled, spitting out some glitter of her own. The makeup team had gone a little overboard with her, possibly out of revenge for her turning down their weekly orgy invitations. Sweetie Belle wasn't quite sure how to feel about that.

For one, didn't they still think she was one of the Old Ones…?

"Remember the goal?" Crescendo said.

Sweetie Belle thought back. "I believe so."

"Make them think you're something other than a demon or robot."

Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes. "I would prefer to make them think I was a normal pony…"

"You mean like your coworkers at Vivace Records?"

Sweetie Belle's eyes widened in horror. "They are not normal."

One of the ponies in the crowd revved a chainsaw.

Crescendo raised an eyebrow.

"…point taken." She looked back out at the crowd. "I sure wish I knew how, though."

"We've gone over this. You know how. You did it that one time, remember?"

"What, you mean the secretary? She called me a succubus, which is technically a demon, and I'm pretty sure she was in heat."

"You can't prove it didn't work."

Sweetie Belle facehorned. "Look, I'm not going to make any promises," she said. "I'm going to be lucky to make get through this without lacerations."

Crescendo scoffed. "Fine, fine. But you'd better at least try, or I'm going to, like, roofie one of your drinks or something."

Considering that nearly every training session began with Crescendo having to convince Sweetie Belle she wasn't roofied right now, that wasn't particularly threatening.

There were then loud noises, and the last band left, 0.75 members shorter than before. "Aaaaand, next up is," the MC began, because really, this whole thing was more like a deathmatch arena than a concert, "…'Normal Pony'!"

Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes at Crescendo, which Crescendo heard. She shrugged. "Don't tell me I don't listen to you. It's worth a shot."

Sweetie Belle was more concerned that she had somehow never heard her own act's name until now, but she had no choice than to quickly get over it. She quickly breathed in and out a few times, remembered the audience could not possibly hate her more than Rarity, and burst out on stage.

The audience cheered.

Was it because they liked her, or because they anticipated a new victim?

Sweetie Belle tried not to think about that.

For a few seconds, she remained silent, closed her eyes…

…and felt.

She could sing regardless, but maybe this time… she could feel that "rhythm" that Crescendo talked about. The nanosecond long beat… which every mind but hers marched to.

What could she do with that knowledge? No one knew. She was the only person in the world that was completely separated from the rhythm. Only she could sense it all at once. And only she could disobey whatever parts of it she chose. Even Crescendo, even the Three… could only disobey small sections of it. Sweetie Belle had the potential to mold all of it to her needs.

…if only she could feel it.

She knew that. And she knew that likely meant that if she could feel it… she could have anything in the world she wanted.

And for her whole life…

…there was only one thing she had ever wanted.

..............

At that moment, she felt something.

It was a rhythm. But was it the rhythm? She wasn't sure. But she didn't have time to find anything else. The audience was getting impatient, and this just seemed to make too much sense. She could see just the holes she needed to fill.

It was… worth a shot.

So…

…she sang.

– – – –

Afterwards, the audience was silent. Sweetie Belle wasn't entirely sure if that was a good or bad thing. But she never had a chainsaw thrown at her, and that had to be sort of good.

She walked backstage as gracefully as she could, and bumped into Crescendo, who looked… pissed.

"What was that?" she said. "What happened to our training? That was the most trite, ordinary, passionless delivery I've ever heard."

"R-Really?" Sweetie Belle stammered.

"Yes, really!" Crescendo said. "You know, I'm not just in this industry for the sex. I'm also in it for the music. And if that's your idea of what a debut is like, I quit as your manager, starting now."

Sweetie Belle officially had no idea what was going on. "Wait, what!? But I—"

Then, both her and Crescendo heard roaring applause from the stage.

Crescendo turned her head, her ears cocked, a bead of sweat rolling down her face. "…what?"

"I, er, guess they liked it?" Sweetie Belle ventured, feeling simultaneously proud and uneasy.

"Shut up!" Crescendo snapped, and it finally became clear she was attempting to listen more closely to the crowd. "What they're saying… this isn't…"

Then, the stagehands started bugging them.

"Gosh, Crescendo, you've really outdone yourself this time! That was the best metal cover I've heard!"

"No, no, that was pop, right?"

"I thought it was more country."

"I never thought chiptunes could sound so mainstream!"

Sweetie Belle officially had a sinking feeling now. "Crescendo?" she stammered. "What's going on?"

For once, Crescendo looked just as worried as Sweetie Belle. She slowly turned her head. "Everyone heard a different song," she got out. She suddenly grabbed Sweetie Belle, who quickly realized that it Crescendo actually wanted to force herself on her, she easily had the physical strength to do so. "What did you do!?"

"I don't know! I… saw the rhythm, and…"

"And!?"

Sweetie Belle swallowed. "I tried… to be like… a normal pony."

Crescendo briefly flashed with rage, but then took a breath, calmed down, and set Sweetie Belle down. "Right, of course," she said. She let out a nervous laugh. "Well, I hope you realize what that means."

"What?"

One of the stagehands took advantage of the brief second Sweetie Belle had her mouth open to french kiss her. Sweetie Belle yelped and jumped away, but the other mare licked her lips, seeming to think this was some kind of foreplay.

"What!?" Sweetie Belle snapped. "Does all of Equestria want to fuck me now!?"

"Well, that could be a side effect of this," Crescendo said. "I think… you just made everyone out there think you were normal relative to them."

"And?" Sweetie Belle said, dodging more molestation. "So?"

Crescendo smiled sarcastically. "What was it you said to me? That the mares at Vivace Records want to 'screw anything with an ovary'? Well, guess what. If they think that's normal, now they think that's you."

Sweetie Belle's face fell. She babbled incoherently. "But… I… uh… not everyone's like that… right?"

Crescendo's face almost answered for her. "Let me put it this way, Sweetie Belle. I wasn't kidding when I said Vivace Records was a pretty accurate cross-section of what's considered 'normal' in Equestria."

Sweetie Belle froze.

"Congratulations! You are now the most normal pony in Equestria. Everyone thinks you're 'one of them' now. Every sadist, slut, and slop out there." Crescendo grinned bitterly. "Happy?"

Sweetie Belle laughed nervously as a couple mares nibbled on her tail.

– – – –

"Well, that didn't work either. Got any other ideas?"

"How about a chainsaw and a flamethrower?"

"Didn't they already try that?"

"Worth a shot. Then we'll start with the diseases."

"Sounds good."

Two ponies in lab coats talked amongst themselves. A human, also in a lab coat, didn't say anything, and quietly prepared equipment.

None of them even made eye contact with the pony bound to the bloodstained operating table.

Why are people afraid of pain?

Because they fear death.

Without that, is pain scary?

Not really.

In fact… it feels kind of good.

– – – –

Whatever Sweetie Belle had done to herself, it didn't appear to be reversible. No matter how hard she tried, she could not get people to see her the way they used to. And what was the point? Did she want to get seen as a demon or robot again? Not really.

She was a normal pony now, and that was the end of it.

Normal was, perhaps, the wrong way to describe it. It was more like she was viewed as being hypernormal.

Whatever someone thought of as being normal, they thought Sweetie Belle emodied that to the nth degree. If they thought it was normal to be pent up, they thought she was really pent up. If they thought it was normal to murder people, they thought Sweetie Belle murdered a lot of people. And so on.

Of course, that wouldn't have been a problem if people's assumptions were anywhere near how Sweetie Belle actually acted. But they weren't. In fact… Sweetie Belle slowly began to realize that she wasn't normal.

After all, what were all the "normal" ponies she knew like?

Applejack and Rainbow Dash banged at least once a day.

Rarity did even more than that.

Fluttershy murdered small animals, and also slept with everyone.

Pinkie Pie casually forgot that mortal ponies died when you baked them in an oven.

Lyra had a questionable at best definition of consent.

Diamond Tiara was some kind of sadist.

Mayor Mare abused her power for recreational drugs.

And so on.

And this wasn't just some random cross-section of Equestria. Most of these ponies were considered paragons of morality.

Who, out of everyone she knew, was considered the weirdest? Twilight. Because she had a problem with any of this.

Pinkie Pie was bizarre, but was she ever considered deviant? No. Because, while her methods defied comprehension, her casual disregard for mortal life was something the citizens of Equestria could wrap their heads around quite easily.

Why?

Take a guess.

In every Equestria, Princess Celestia is the definition of normal.

In this case, that means that hedonism, genocide, selfishness, and insanity are normal…

…and restraint, mercy, selflessness, insanity are deviant.

Sweetie Belle only now realized… that making people think she was normal meant making them think she was like Celestia.

When people had perceived her as a demon… that, from their perspective, was the correct conclusion.

Thinking she was normal, like them… was wrong.

But in the end, which was the right way to live? The "normal" way? Or the "demon" way? The "demon" way was the only way she knew—to show mercy and compassion to everyone. But where did that idea even come from? Everyone was taught to live the "normal" way from a young age. If she acted like that, not only would no one mind, they would actually like her better for it.

Of course, in the end, it didn't really matter, since now, everyone would believe she was living the "normal" way whether she was or not. But still… she felt she had a bit of a choice.

What, exactly, brought on this philosophical line of thought?

For one, she was currently attending a banquet celebrating the closing of the last food bank in Canterlot.

"Well, everyone, it's finally happened," the Donald said, holding the mic way too close to his mouth and getting spittle stuck between his words. "I told you. I told everyone. You can't trust the poor. How can you trust anyone not skilled enough to lie and cheat their way to the top?"

The nobleponies laughed heartily. Sweetie Belle glared, knowing everyone would just assume she had laughed anyway.

"I kid, I kid. But still, this represents a significant achievement in Celestia's holy goal of crushing all charities in Equestria." The Donald paused, a single, mainly tear dripping from his eye. The eagle he had perched on his shoulder also shed a single tear, albeit for different reasons. "You know, when I first came to Equestria… I'm not going to lie. I thought it was gonna suck. I mean, talking, brightly colored ponies? In my world, that's little girl shit. And in my world… that isn't a compliment."

The audience gasped in mock horror.

"That's right," the Donald said, stroking his now celestial hair, which flowed in the wind feet from his head in golden swirls. That was a particularly strange whim of Celestia's. "In my world, people thought girls were weak. And I thought that too. And—I'll let you know—this is rare for me—I'll admit it. I was wrong. Equestria has taught me a lot more than the magic of friendship." He paused. This increased the suspense. "Equestria has taught me that girls can murder and rape and pillage just as well—if not better—than men!"

The audience clapped and cheered.

The Donald laughed. "Never have I been so happy to be politically correct."

"He really isn't," Crescendo quipped, taking a sip of what she desperately hoped was Celestia's Infamous Spiked Punch™.

"What?" Sweetie Belle said, eager for a chance to stop listening to the Donald.

"I hear rumors, and in perfect clarity, too," Crescendo said, taking another sip. "He's getting a little too cocky for Celestia. She's planning on showing him his place soon. Not that she regrets anything—apparently he's the best kind of piece for her to torture." She looked around. "These people probably all know it too. They're probably just humoring him so it's funnier when he realizes he's been duped."

Sweetie Belle stared ahead. "Just like Celestia…"

Crescendo laughed. "Of course, no one's like Celestia," she said with a hint of envy in her voice.

Sweetie Belle tried to change the subject. "Whatever happened to Trixie?" she said nonchalantly. "I thought she was always by Trum—er, the Donald's side. At least, she was when they made that hideous hotel in Ponyville."

Crescendo thought about it. "You know, I don't know," she said finally. "I've heard a bunch of conflicting stories."

"…like what?"

"Well, a bank clerk apparently found out she was a rich heiress or something, and was found dead a couple days later."

Sweetie Belle cocked her head. "Er, what?"

"Yeah, he had a knife in his back, but they ruled that as a suicide cause some kid said something about a block of ice—"

Sweetie Belle leaned closer and whispered as the crowd gave another impressively acted laugh to a Donald Trump joke. "No, I mean Trixie? A rich heiress?"

Crescendo shrugged. "It wouldn't surprise me. I've seen stranger rich people," she said, and then hastily added a "figuratively speaking." She swirled around her drink, trying to get whatever alcohol there was to rise to the top, and took another sip. "Apparently she received a large sum of money from a dead uncle or something. I guess he got rich from the stage? But that's a pretty common way to cover up hedge funds, so who knows."

Sweetie Belle nodded vacantly, wondering in what economic system making up a nonexistent relative was harder to track than fishy bank deposits. "And? What else?"

"Well, another story contradicts that. Someone says she's still doing roadside stage shows, and not looking too good. Like her eyes are crooked or something."

Sweetie Belle blushed, briefly reminded of Ditzy. "Is that it?"

Crescendo scoffed. "Well, the last one's the most ridiculous of them all. Apparently someone else was talking to Trixie while one of her stage shows was going on."

Sweetie Belle, once again, nodded vacantly. "Yes, that does sound quite difficult for her."

"I don't mean at the show, smartass," Crescendo snapped. "I mean somewhere else."

Sweetie Belle's ears perked. "You mean she was in two places at once?"

"Yep. That's what they say."

Sweetie Belle thought about it. "So, Trixie is either… rich, destitute, or… cloned."

Crescendo finally finished her drink. "In other words—we don't know what the hell happened to her."

Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes. "Or maybe it's all three," she muttered. "Like, she, with a bunch of money, made a clone, and then made her destitute…"

Sweetie Belle stopped. Crescendo was staring at her like she was an idiot. That was a lot more embarrassing with Crescendo, because she when she looked at you, she looked exactly at the nonsense you were spouting out. "Sweetie Belle, did you get the spiked drink?"

Sweetie Belle looked down. "Er, no." In fact, she had tried to avoid drinking anything whatsoever, but all the food served was extremely salty, and she had to relent.

"Then don't say such nonsense," Crescendo said, throwing her wine glass on the ground in official royal fashion. The shards of glass quickly disappeared, magically teleported to some back alley somewhere, also in official royal fashion. It seemed appropriate, given the theme of the banquet. "Why do you care so much anyway?"

"…because I want to do anything but listen to Dona—er, the Donald's speech."

Crescendo shrugged. "Makes sense."

Sweetie Belle turned back. "I'm going to see if there's any o'dourves left."

"Fine, fine," Crescendo said. "Get me some more punch while you're at it. Try to get the stuff that's actually spiked, not just slimy, like this stuff was."

Sweetie Belle ignored that and headed to the back table. Luckily, there were still some chocolates left. And…

"Sweetie Belle! Is that you?"

Sweetie Belle looked up, disappointed. She was hoping to at least get five seconds to herself to choose a dessert. But luckily, it was someone she didn't actually mind meeting again. "Bon-Bon? Is that you?"

Bon-Bon, behind the table, nodded. "That's right. I did the catering for the desserts."

Sweetie Belle looked around. "So, if you're here, that must mean Lyra's…"

Sweetie Belle stopped when she noticed the color drain from Bon-Bon's face. "Sweetie Belle. I left Lyra."

"Really!? I thought you guys were as close as…" She really couldn't think of a good way to describe their relationship. "…er, something."

Bon-Bon clearly didn't agree. "I got tired of bailing her out of jail after the 75th time."

Sweetie Belle had to admit, that was a pretty good reason. "So, what's she doing, anyway?"

Bon-Bon shivered. "I'd rather not talk about it," she said. "Just… stay away from the drinks."

Sweetie Belle gulped. She knew something was up with those things. "T-Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," she said, even though it was perfectly obvious to both parties that it was too late now. "Recommend any chocolates?"

Bon-Bon thought about it and handed one to Sweetie Belle from behind the table. "Here. I'm sure no one's touched this one."

Sweetie Belle was taken aback. "Thank you," she said, knowing just how difficult it was to get untainted food at any event even a couple degrees removed from royalty. She nibbled on it while walking around, trying to see if she could spot any celebrities. The Donald's speech was still going on.

She smelled Spitfire before she saw her. Spitfire apparently had the audacity to show up completely naked and in heat. Which was… well, completely legal, to be honest. Public nudity and sex were not against the law—although arbitrary arrests weren't, so people really didn't have much patience for the latter—but combining both at a formal dinner was a little much. It was the type of thing that… well, only Spitfire would do.

Sweetie Belle decided to risk talking to her. It wouldn't be much more risky than work. She made sure to finish eating her chocolate, in case Spitfire had some kind of oral fixation, and carefully approached her.

"H-Hello?" she said.

Spitfire sensed the presence of something with a beating heart behind her and turned around seductively. "Hello," she said huskily, which in Equestria, meant "like one of Celestia's trained huskies."

Sweetie Belle was briefly disarmed. She wondered, for the first time, what the point of heat was when 90% of everyone was gay and it just made mares more attracted to each other. That was most people's hint something was horribly wrong with Equestria, but until now, Sweetie Belle had always been more worried about why everyone thought she was a robot to pay it much mind. "So, er, how are you liking the banquet?"

"I'm loving it," Spitfire said, taking a slug of her drink. "Lyra really outdid herself with these drinks." She looked up at the Donald, who was now dancing and singing with the mic stand, and smiled sinisterly. "I'd love to see the look on his face when he finds out what's in this stuff."

Sweetie Belle jumped. "What is in this stuff?"

Spitfire, under the bedroom eyes, looked a bit confused. "What? You don't know? Don't you know what Lyra does now?"

"Er, I don't think so."

Spitfire stared at her for a couple seconds, then shrugged. "Well, you'll find out soon enough anyway." She paused, as if trying, and failing, to execute a graceful transition. "Want to have sex?"

While all the history books said Celestia had decided to forgo STDs "this time around" because they "took the fun out of everything," Sweetie Belle couldn't help but imagine Spitfire was the exception to that. "Not particularly," she said, and then realized she needed to change the subject a little more forcefully. "Say, how are the Wonderbolts doing?"

Spitfire twitched. "What?"

That seemed to work. "Like, whatever happened to Soarin, anyway?"

Spitfire's face contorted into anger. Sweetie Belle sensed something strange ripple through her body. It wasn't some flash of arousal, which she would expect around Spitfire—it was a similar feeling to when she discovered the rhythm that let her alter her fate. Except this time, it wasn't her screwing with the rhythm—it was Spitfire.

Crescendo said the only people that could do things with the rhythm were her and the Three. But apparently, no one really knew who the Three were, since the only way to find out was to end up as one of their assassination targets.

Did that mean… Spitfire was one of the Three?

Sweetie Belle tried to not let anything show. There was probably a reason that secret was so well protected.

Spitfire, on the other hand, seemed to have all ability for rational thought taken from her, and suddenly stormed away, muttering something about peanut butter.

Sweetie Belle let out a breath, and decided maybe it would just be better to stick with Crescendo. She was a bit strange, but for the most part, she provided a running commentary on the madness more than contributing to it herself.

As Sweetie Belle made her way over, though, she spotted someone else that looked uncomfortable. That looked promising.

Besides, she had wanted to talk to her for a while.

"Hello, Princess Luna," Sweetie Belle said, doing her best curtsy.

Luna sighed. "In a place like this, there's no need."

Sweetie Belle didn't necessarily disagree, but she was a bit surprised. She thought Luna might've been a little more old-fashioned.

But then again, she thought Celestia was quite a few things she wasn't, so whatever. "How are you enjoying the banquet?"

Luna's weary eyes said it for her. Maybe those rumors about her secretly helping out the charities were true. But regardless, it wouldn't be safe for her to talk about that here, so Sweetie Belle tried to change the subject.

"Anyway," Sweetie Belle said, transitioning significantly better than Spitfire, "I wanted to thank you."

Luna looked a bit confused. "Really? For what? …not for raising the moon, I hope."

"No, no," Sweetie Belle said. "I wanted to thank you for helping me out with that dream."

Luna blinked a few times, her face the epitome of someone who had completely forgotten who the person she were talking to was, but was desperately trying to pretend otherwise. "Er, yes. Quite." When Sweetie Belle offered no hints, she improvised. "You were quite… voracious."

Sweetie Belle was a bit disappointed. Didn't alicorns have a better memory than that? Maybe she was just busy. "Er, nevermind." She was going to tell Luna to avoid the drinks, but then she noticed Luna hadn't touched hers. "I'm just going to… find my… friends."

And Sweetie Belle left.

A batpony stationed next to Luna spoke. "That was close."

"It's her own damn fault for not telling us these things," Luna snapped. Then, she calmed down, and looked at her drink. After wincing for a second, she grabbed it and downed the whole thing. She seemed to instantly become infused with energy. Her form became sharper, her fur less matted, her wings more majestic…

…but her face looked much more sad than before.

– – – –

One of the guests, a mare with curly hair and a curly dress, had snuck outside into the cool moonlit garden, and was seemingly speaking to herself.

"Yes. The Donald appeared. The rumors appear to be true. Celestia is preparing to eliminate him herself. She had Lyra prepare the drinks for this event—and I think we all know what that means."

She paused. Whoever was on the other end—of what, no one knew—was apparently speaking.

"Yes, he is the only one that knows enough to figure out Corvorum Crepusculum exists. But if we moved now, I think it would be suspicious enough to—"

She froze.

Staring her right in the face was Spitfire.

"Want to have sex?"

– – – –

The ponies in lab coats looked at each other awkwardly. Then they looked at the operating table. Then at each other. Then at the operating table.

"Since when was that there?"

"I thought this was the unused storage room."

"Why do we have a little girl strapped to the operating table?"

"Are those buckets full of blood?"

They looked at each other.

"Do I know you?"

"I'm… not really sure."

They paused.

"Maybe… we should just let her go."

"And forget any of this happened?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

– – – –

Backstage, at yet another concert, Sweetie Belle looked at the lighting guy.

"Hello? Are you okay?"

He was currently staring out into space, looking completely vacant. After a couple seconds, though, he snapped out of it. "…what?"

"You, like… spaced out for about 10 seconds there."

He looked indignant. "No I didn't."

"…yes, you did."

"No I didn't."

Sweetie Belle facehoofed. "Nevermind."

"Concert starts in 10 minutes. You'd better get with it, 'Normal Pony,'" he sneered, and walked away.

Sweetie Belle sighed. Particularly annoying were the ponies who thought it was "normal" for everyone but them to be an idiot. Her power made it quite useless to deal with them, and she usually had to set Crescendo loose on them to get anything done.

But still, it wasn't that bad. She had basically gotten her wish, even though it was a bit different than what she had intended. Besides, it did feel a little good…

…to be a star.

– – – –

Signing autographs, however, was a bit awkward when everyone perceived your act completely differently. They actually had to institute a rule—no one in the autograph line was allowed to talk about the act with each other. It must have seemed extremely arbitrary to the fans, but otherwise, Sweetie Belle and her staff would have to fend off hordes of rabid fans arguing about what genre she was.

Besides, this was Equestria. Everyone was pretty used to arbitrary. When anyone asked why that rule was in place, they could usually get away with saying "guess who," and the unsuspecting fan would immediately suspect Celestia and get on with their day.

Sweetie Belle absentmindedly signed, and thought. She had learned a long time ago that she didn't really need to put much effort into the penmanship of her autographs—in fact, the more demented they were, the more unique they became, and the more they were worth.

So, while she signed, she thought.

Whatever happened to her friends, anyway? Apple Bloom had apparently died, involved in some incredibly bizarre incident in the human colony. Even Crescendo had hardly been able to find anything out about the incident, other than that a member of the Three might have been involved. In fact, he might have died, which would make the Three the Two. But it was still called the Three. So was that false? Or was Celestia just screwing with everyone by refusing to change the name?

It was kind of pointless to even think about which was true.

And Scootaloo was… immortal or something. She probably wasn't doing too bad for herself. Or, well, she was probably at least alive, which would put her ahead of most of the Mane Six. And, who knows? If she was immortal, maybe she would be forever youthful! That would explain…

…wait. Explain what?

Sweetie Belle looked up and realized she was staring directly at Scootaloo.

The exact same 10-year-old Scootaloo she had known from her childhood.

"I liked your song," Scootaloo said, smiling. She held a piece of scrap metal, presumably for Sweetie Belle to sign.

Also, she was covered with blood.

Sweetie Belle screamed.

– – – –

Crescendo, Sweetie Belle, and a now clean Scootaloo sat in Sweetie Belle's trailer.

"Who… is this?" Crescendo said, gesturing at Scootaloo.

"A childhood friend of mine," Sweetie Belle said.

"Who's eternally young."

"Yes."

"And the only other immortal apart from the princesses."

"Yes."

Crescendo headdesked. "You expect me to believe that!?"

"I can juggle knives to demonstrate, if you want," Scootaloo offered.

"No! Don't!" Sweetie Belle immediately screamed.

"If she's immortal, what are you worried about?" Crescendo grumbled.

Sweetie Belle looked down, embarrassed. "It's… a little gross to watch her organs regrow."

Crescendo looked at nothing in particular. "You are so not a normal pony."

Sweetie Belle fidgeted. "So… now what?"

Crescendo didn't move, but got an aura of pissed. "…what?"

"I mean, what do we do now that…"

"I'm sorry," Crescendo snapped, "we don't have a procedure for 'the fifth immortal comes out of nowhere coated in blood'!"

The three were silent.

"And," Sweetie Belle said, wishing she could keep this part a secret, "she has amnesia."

"What."

"I'm Scootaloo," Scootaloo said, helpfully. "I know that much. And I figured out I was immortal when I tripped into a box of knives." Crescendo and Sweetie Belle didn't even ask. "…but I can't really remember anything earlier than this morning."

"What's the first thing you remember?" Crescendo said, desperate for answers.

Scootaloo thought. "Let's see," she said. "I think I was in some kind of lab. Or surgery room. It was really dark. There were a lot of sharp things. Like knives, saws, chains… some syringes. The walls had all these dark splotches on them. And there were some buckets with a dark liquid in them, too."

That would have been scary enough had it not been for the completely casual way Scootaloo described the scene. "Where were you in all this?" Crescendo said.

"I was tied to a big operating table with rope and a bunch of metal straps."

Sweetie Belle and Crescendo kept waiting for some sign of trauma to appear on Scootaloo's face, but instead, she continued acting like she was talking about going to the supermarket or something. "And? Then what?"

"There were some ponies in lab coats there."

Sweetie Belle shuddered. "What… what did they do to you?"

Scootaloo shrugged. "Nothing. They didn't know why I was there. I didn't know why I was there. They didn't really even know why they were there. So they let me go."

Sweetie Belle and Crescendo were silent. "And… that's it?"

Scootaloo nodded. "Oh, but I tripped into a box of knives on the way out. They had a lot of knives there."

The three were, once again, silent.

Crescendo considered whispering, but then realized Scootaloo seemed to have more of a stomach for the macabre then they did. "You think they screwed with her head or something?"

"Maybe," Sweetie Belle said. "But wouldn't that mean they screwed with their own heads too? They forgot who she was."

Crescendo blinked. "Right," she said. "So we don't know what the fuck's going on."

"I think she has parents," Sweetie Belle offered. "Should we try to contact them?"

Crescendo just about lost it. "You think she has parents!? You think!?" Crescendo yelled. "How do you not know!?"

"She said she wasn't an orphan, but I never met her parents."

"And no one else did either!?"

Sweetie Belle thought about it. "You know, I don't think so," she said. "Rainbow Dash pretended to adopt her for a while, but Obama put an end to that. Everyone was so happy Rainbow Dash was away from kids they didn't really think about it too much. …what?"

Crescendo was giving her the same look Sweetie Belle gave her when she talked about the makeup department's weekly orgies. "Good grief, where did you grow up? Celestia's outhouse!?"

Sweetie Belle thought about it. "Yes, I believe I have heard Ponyville called that."

Crescendo finally accepted that she was out of her element. "Look, I think you know more about this stuff than I do," she said. "What do you think we should do?"

"Go to Ponyville and look for Scootaloo's parents."

"I'll arrange a weeklong vacation ASAP," Crescendo said, looking haggard. She walked out.

"Sorry if I'm causing you any problems," Scootaloo said.

"No, no, it's fine," Sweetie Belle said. It was nice to be reunited with one of her friends.

But… the circumstances were a little different than what she was picturing.

– – – –

At a local hotel, Spitfire walked into the shower seductively even though no one was there.

Someone could be watching. And if they were, she'd fuck them.

Spitfire didn't have many problems with stalkers. She was a problem for stalkers.

She turned on the water, waited for it to get warm enough for steam to get everywhere, and walked in.

At the beginning of her showers, she didn't even bother washing herself. She reached back, and…

…hit something.

"Any findings on the organization-that-cannot-be-pronounced?" Celestia said, smiling, her wings splayed.

For ponies that gave a damn about personal space, it would've been very cramped. Spitfire, however, quite enjoyed being tickled everywhere by Celestia's celestial hair. Not many people knew it was prehensile.

"Corvorum Crepusculum lost Scootaloo. It seems all of their members simultaneously forgot who she was," Spitfire said. She cocked her head, smiling. "Were you responsible for that?"

"In a manner of speaking," Celestia said. "Any progress in finding out with that stupid name means?"

"No," Spitfire said. "It might be from some human languages."

"Figures," Celestia said. "I asked Twilight about it and she just started laughing. So I guess it's possible to figure out from a book."

Spitfire looked confused. "She didn't tell you what it was?"

Celestia let minor irritation cross her face. "No. She wouldn't even tell me after I ate her wings off. I don't think she cares anymore." She bared her teeth. "But I predicted that. She'll care soon enough. Anyway, what happened next?"

"Some people took Scootaloo in."

"As expected," Celestia said. "Who's her guardian this time?"

Spitfire thought. "It's… that one pop star. You know, Rarity's sister. Sweetie Bot or something."

Celestia shivered. You could feel it.

Spitfire was a bit worried. "What? What is it?"

"It's probably nothing," Celestia said. "It's just… a bad combination. Keep an eye on them. We might have to… take action later." She licked Spitfire's ear, seemingly forgetting her concerns. "For now… it's time to take action on you."

Spitfire shivered. This was one of the perks of being part of the Three.

…for her, at least.

– – – –

Crescendo opted to stay out of the trip to Ponyville. Sweetie Belle wasn't the only star she was managing, after all—and more importantly, she was not as comfortable with all the metaphysical bullshit that came with Ponyville as Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle was a little irritated. She was uncomfortable with Vivace Records' debauchery, but that didn't mean she ran away from it. And she wasn't exactly comfortable with Ponyville's weirdness—just resigned to it.

…at least, she was when it only affected herself.

"What's going on?" Scootaloo asked, looking a bit worried.

"Nothing," Sweetie Belle said, too quickly. "Nothing unusual at all. We'll find someone quickly. Just you watch."

The first part wasn't a lie. Complete insanity was the norm in Ponyville. But it didn't seem likely they would find "someone" soon.

Every person they met had forgotten Scootaloo. And not just forgotten—they acted like she had never existed in the first place. According to them, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had two members, no one brought small children to the Celestia assassination attempt, and no one ever got themselves decapitated in the middle of town square just to prove a point.

"Excuse me," Sweetie Belle said to some random pony, "do you know… er, recognize this child at all?"

Scootaloo smiled.

The pony gasped in abject horror. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, doing things like that with children!" they said, and stormed off.

Scootaloo blinked. "What."

Sweetie Belle sighed. "I'll tell you when you get older," she said, which was a bit underhanded since Scootaloo appeared not to age. When someone thought it was "normal" to do strange things with children, it could only really mean a few things…

Sweetie Belle thought. "More importantly, I think we need to take a new approach."

Scootaloo's eyebrow raised. "Like what?"

Sweetie Belle smiled, although it certainly wasn't out of confidence. "Even if everyone here's an idiot and forgot about you," she seethed, "there's one thing they can't change."

– – – –

"Y-You want to look at the town records!?" the new mayor of Ponyville, Super Secretary, stammered.

Equestrian politics worked roughly like Klingon politics—the most efficient way to rise up the ranks was to kill your superiors. So, when Mayor Mare OD'd herself to death under suspicious circumstances, everyone assumed her direct underling, Super Secretary, was responsible. Did she have an alibi? Of course. She was working in a completely different department when it happened. But that clearly just meant she set up a perfect alibi trick.

She was quickly promoted with honors and had been in over her head for roughly a decade.

"Yes," Sweetie Belle said. "I just want to see the birth certificates, though."

Super Secretary gaped. That wasn't technically legal. Apparently Obama had suffered from some trouble in the human world that could have been solved if people had access to his birth certificate, so Celestia decided to make it difficult for everyone else too.

But…

"She wants to find out who my parents were," Scootaloo said, doing her best puppy dog eyes. It was kind of terrifying.

Super Secretary nearly had a heart attack. "O-Okay," she got out. "Just that one file, though! That's where I draw the line."

"That's fine," Sweetie Belle said, following her to another room.

Super Secretary paused. "It is?"

Sweetie Belle frowned. "…yes?"

"You aren't going to threaten me for access to the vault or anything?"

Sweetie Belle had thought of leveraging her pop star authority to make things go easier, but that was rapidly seeming unnecessary. "…why would I do that?"

Super Secretary visibly sighed in relief. "Okay. Follow me. I'll find what you're looking for." She looked uncomfortably at Scootaloo, who was still trying to look cute. "What was her name again?"

"Scootaloo."

Super Secretary thought. "I don't remember anyone here named…"

"Just find the damn file."

Sweetie Belle's tone was intimidating enough to get Super Secretary back into secretary mode. She came back a few minutes later with a manila folder.

Sweetie Belle's face brightened up. "You found it!?"

Super Secretary, however, scratched her neck. "Sort of," she said. "You're not going to like this, though."

"What?"

Super Secretary opened the manila folder.

It was empty aside from a single paper.

"NICE TRY."

– – – –

At a café, Sweetie Belle headtabled.

"What does this mean?" Scootaloo said, eating some of the decorative flowers.

"I don't know," Sweetie Belle grumbled.

"Maybe I never did live here," Scootaloo suggested. "No one remembers me. I don't have any files."

"Your file existed! It said 'nice try'!" Sweetie Belle snapped. "Obviously someone's trying to hide your existence!"

Scootaloo paused. "I don't know," she said. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Why!?"

"If they were, wouldn't it be better just to throw my file out?"

Sweetie Belle thought about it. She was right. If no part of Scootaloo's file existed, not even the manila folder, whoever was hiding her could just claim it was never there in the first place.

But… it was.

Not only did it exist, but there was a mocking note in it.

It undermined their goal.

"Besides, you say everyone here forgot about me, but how's that possible?" Scootaloo said. "You can't just erase an entire town's memory."

Sweetie Belle blinked. She began to get a creeping feeling. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Mind control magic's nearly impossible."

Sweetie Belle leaned in. "It is?"

"Of course," Scootaloo said, as if this was obvious. "Imagine what it would be like if someone could just say, hey, I know, I'll make the whole world dance to a rhythm! It'd be complete chaos."

Sweetie Belle broke out in a cold sweat. "Yeah…" she said, "complete… chaos…"

A useless risk…

A lot of power…

The rhythm…

It… can't be…

A couple tables away, Fluttershy took a sip of her tea. She then squeezed a small bird's insides into it. For flavor.

She looked at Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.

…and giggled.

– – – –

Sweetie Belle kicked open the front door to the Carousel Boutique and ran inside. She grabbed the phone and immediately began dialing.

"What's going on?" Scootaloo said, awkwardly following. Sweetie Belle had been oddly tense since their conversation at the café.

"Come on, pick up, pick up," Sweetie Belle muttered, ignoring Scootaloo.

On the other end, there was a click. "Hello, Vivace Records, Crescendo speaking…"

"Crescendo! You've got to listen! I think I figured out what's going on with Scootaloo, and…" Sweetie Belle paused. "Wait, do you think this line is tapped?"

"Hi!"

"..."

"Er, Crescendo, who was that?"

Crescendo sounded like she facehoofing over the phone. "Sweetie Belle…"

The third, oddly perky voice continued. "Oh, me? I'm… no one. Don't mind me. Carry on. Ha ha ha ha!"

"..."

Crescendo decided to ignore them. "So, what were you going to say about Scootaloo?"

"…nothing…"

"Very good. Now…"

"Aw! I wanted to hear it! Come on, guys! This job is so boring!"

"Shut up!" Crescendo snapped. "Anyway…"

"I can send some money to your address. It'd be easy."

"Anyway, Sweetie Belle…"

"Pleeeeeeeeease?"

Crescendo tried her best to yell over them. "Sweetie Belle! The boss wants to see you! Both of you!"

"Oh, really? I'm honored!"

"Yeah, yeah. Get down here. Quick."

"Hey, wait, 'boss'? You mean… Vivace? You mean… Vivace is a pers—!? Hey!"

Crescendo hung up, giving Sweetie Belle the chance to hear the panicked phone operator quickly switch to another call to eavesdrop on.

"Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo said, once again, "please tell me what's going on."

Sweetie Belle tried to think of a quick explanation. "Ever wanted to meet a siren?"

Scootaloo thought about it. "You mean those giant fish that seduce sailors and screw them to death?"

Sweetie Belle opened and closed her mouth a few times. "Er, I think so."

Scootaloo shrugged and walked outside. "Sounds fun."

– – – –

Sweetie Belle came to the Vivace Records headquarters as quickly as she could.

…which was about 12 hours, considering all. She took the train. Like most unicorns, she wasn't confident enough in her teleportation abilities to risk accidentally materializing in one of the Royal Bathrooms or something. Pegasi also usually rode the train, fearful of rumors that the local royal guards sometimes used them as target practice.

Out of breath, sprinting, Sweetie Belle burst through Vivace Records' front door. Scootaloo casually fluttered in.

"I came as quickly as I could!" Sweetie Belle got out.

The secretary raised an eyebrow.

Sweetie Belle facehoofed. "Oh, for fuck's sake…"

The secretary, for once, seemed to take pity on Sweetie Belle. "I'll... call up Crescendo. She's been waiting for you."

A couple minutes later Crescendo walked down the stairs. "What took you so long? Can't you just teleport here?"

"Not many unicorns are brave enough to teleport into Canterlot," Sweetie Belle said.

"It's not that hard," Crescendo said. "Just choose a spot, add some precautions, put them in a magic rune, and activate that whenever you want to come over."

Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes.

Crescendo was an earth pony.

"Anyway, follow me," Crescendo said, walking towards a large door Sweetie Belle hadn't really thought about until now. "Vivace is waiting."

The door slid open, and they found themselves on a large open elevator, the kind used to transport large goods in mines. Crescendo pulled a lever and they began to descend.

Slowly.

"Well," Sweetie Belle said, trying to make smalltalk, "I'm glad I'm finally able to meet Vivace. I feel like I'm finally up to par."

Crescendo looked awkward, suspiciously as if a two-year long office prank was finally coming to an end. "Actually, er, that had nothing to do with it. Vivace's wanted to meet you for a while."

Sweetie Belle was confused. "What? Why?"

"Well, you managed to use the rhythm for your own benefit, which no known mortal has ever done."

Made sense. "So… why haven't we met?"

Crescendo blushed. That wasn't good. "Because… er… you made it clear you didn't want to have anything to do with the sex here."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Crescendo groaned. "Sweetie Belle," she said, "you remember that Vivace is a siren, right?"

"Right."

"And you've heard how seductive sirens are, right?"

"Right."

"They can't actually… turn that off."

"…oh."

"Let's just say Vivace is… very close to all of her employees." Crescendo paused. "Except you."

Sweetie Belle would have been offended if that didn't raise bigger questions. "Wait, wait, wait, wait, you mean everyone but me has…?"

"Yes," Crescendo said. "Frequently," she added.

"And she's… how big, again?"

Crescendo thought. "You know that place you live?"

"The Carousel Boutique?"

"About that big." Crescendo paused. "Curled up."

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were listening in some kind of bile fascination. "And she's… feeding off of all of you?"

"Do we look unhappy with that arrangement?"

Sweetie Belle had to admit, she had a point there.

"The only reason the changelings drained people so thoroughly during the Canterlot Wedding Invasion was because they were starving," Crescendo said. "A well fed siren like Vivace… isn't. She only needs to take a little bit. And it's… pretty worth it."

"Right," Sweetie Belle said. "And you thought I shouldn't meet with her because I wouldn't be able to resist that?"

"I-It was Vivace's idea, actually," Crescendo said quickly. "She didn't want you to do anything you would regret."

"How noble."

They had started passing some rougher looking rock, and the air began to cool. Crescendo stopped and turned around. "Look, I'm not kidding," Crescendo said. "It's going to be hard to resist her. In fact, maybe you should go in alone first so Scootaloo here doesn't see anything—"

Sweetie Belle finally snapped. "Look, Crescendo!" she yelled. "I'm not you! I can resist a giant fish in front of a small child! Just let us in!"

– – – –

After going through a particularly well protected door about five stories underground, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo found themselves being led by Crescendo through a series of catwalks over a large tank. "Large," in fact, hardly seemed to do it justice. It was about the size of a football field, and three stories deep. It was a fairly spartan room, but it was clearly extravagant in its own way.

"Since when has this been here?" Sweetie Belle said, looking at the lit up pool in wonder.

"Since this building was constructed," Crescendo said, clearly used to the place. "It's the whole reason headquarters is so big."

"I saw some pretty big buildings on the way here," Scootaloo said. "Are they hiding nearly extinct species too?"

"Nah, they're just copying us," Crescendo said. "…I think."

"Is this really necessary, though?" Sweetie Belle said. "I thought sirens could shapeshift. And live on land."

"Sort of," Crescendo said. "While they can fudge it a little, changelings and sirens are basically bound by the law of conservation of matter. Vivace is big. Unless she wanted to try posing as a small skyscraper, it wouldn't help much. And, well, let's just say that… being a fish that big out of water is pretty inconvenient no matter how well you can breathe."

Sweetie Belle was beginning to really want to meet this Vivace.

Scootaloo then ran to the other side of the catwalk and looked over. "Look! I see something!"

Sweetie Belle rushed over and looked as well.

"…Crescendo?"

"Yeah?"

"For future reference, your size estimate was a little off."

Vivace's tail was about the size of Carousel Boutique.

And as it slowly, gracefully swam out of view, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle found themselves almost unconsciously moving to the other side of the catwalk to see what it was connected to.

That's when they saw her.

Vivace.

Sweetie Belle was utterly shocked. Not because the legends overselled the impact of a siren—because they vastly underselled it.

She was big. Really big. The tank, which was easily the size of a football field, could've only held four creatures the size of her, and even then it would've been cramped. This was not a creature that had to settle for seducing mere sailors—she could easily envelope a boat.

And yet, Sweetie Belle was not scared at all.

In raw strength, Vivace probably could outmatch Celestia. For one, she had about 45 times more body mass at her disposal. But when you saw her move… it was easy to forget that.

Celestia could radiate elegance, but even at her gentlest, it could only be the elegance of predator at its prime waiting to strike. That could be beautiful in its own right—but could it be comforting? Could it make you feel loved?

Not at all.

And that was exactly the evolutionary niche sirens were designed to fill.

If you took a photograph of Vivace at any point in time, every line, every curve would be in just the right place to make her look like a refined painting. If you watched her move, you would feel that she could do nothing but gently stroke you with her girth. Seeing her in person, and getting hit by both of those feelings simultaneously, produced emotions intense to the point of being almost indescribable.

And that was only if you weren't drawn to the erotic nature of her form.

All Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo could do was gape. Vivace hadn't even done anything. She had just swam from one end of the room to the other. Sweetie Belle could not help but imagine what she was capable of if she was trying to impress them.

"Brace yourself," Crescendo said, smiling. She had clearly gotten this reaction from people before.

This time, Sweetie Belle believed her, and tried to control herself. Crescendo nodded. Slowly, Vivace swam to the surface of the water and poked her head out. Then, she let some of her torso appear as well, along with her long, clawed arms.

Seeing that body dripping wet was one thing. But Sweetie Belle quickly learned that sirens had an olfactory component to their seduction as well.

Scootaloo looked at Sweetie Belle, noticing something was up. "What's wrong? You're fidgeting."

"Nothing, nothing, nothing," Sweetie Belle said very quickly, blushing. "I'm just… nervous."

She wasn't quite sure what was going on in Scootaloo's head, but she didn't want to give her any ideas. Crescendo was right—it probably was a bad idea for them to see Vivace together. But Sweetie Belle could blame no one but herself for this. She was the one that didn't believe Crescendo when she tried to warn her just how… intense Vivace could be.

"Hello, Sweetie Belle," Vivace said, proving that Chuck Norris was not the only being that could make women practically come merely from the sound of their voice.

Then, Vivace turned to Scootaloo, and… stopped. Her eyes lowered, her mouth curled, and… a tear formed at the edge of one of her eyes. "And hello… Scootaloo."

Scootaloo was silent. She didn't know what was happening either, but she didn't even consider breaking the moment.

Not with her.

"I thought you were dead," Vivace said. She looked up and down Scootaloo's body. "What have they done to you?"

"Do you know her?" Sweetie Belle said, with a twinge of jealousy. It was kind of unreasonable, but Scootaloo was immortal. Her and Vivace could've gone way back. Like way way back.

"I don't think so," Scootaloo replied, but she didn't look too sure.

Vivace winced, but appeared braced for this. "They… erased your memory, didn't they?"

Scootaloo thought about it. "They… must have," she said, "if I forgot about you."

Vivace paused. "I see," she said. "But do you sometimes… remember bits and pieces? Feel like there's something wrong with your life?"

Scootaloo thought back. "…yes."

Vivace visibly sighed in relief. "Then there is hope," she said. She then looked at Sweetie Belle.

No, more than looked.

Glared.

…as would a parent… or lover.

That look would have been intimidating enough from a normal pony.

From Vivace… it was overpowering.

"You are her friend, are you not?" Vivace said.

Sweetie Belle could only nod.

"Then listen to me. Scootaloo is the only hope for this world."

"Wha—?"

Vivace then took a breath. The air in the room seemed to stop, and when she opened her mouth…

"Sweetie Belle. Protect Scootaloo with your life. Promise me you will."

If Vivace had told Sweetie Belle to kill herself in that voice, she probably would have, after a moment's hesitation. But this? Something Sweetie Belle was prepared, in her heart, to do from the very beginning? There was no hesitation at all. It just helped her sharpen the willpower she had into a fine point.

Sweetie Belle also took a breath, and then…

"I will. I promise."

"Very good," Vivace said. "And I assure you Vivace Records will do everything it can to assist you in that goal. Think of it as… an investment in the future."

Sweetie Belle nodded, still not entirely sure what was happening. "But… why? What is Scootaloo? And who erased her memory? And everyone else's memory of her!?"

Vivace was silent. Then, she smiled. "You should be getting the hang of this by now," she said. "Guess."

Sweetie Belle froze.

Now she was sure.

A useless risk…

A lot of power…

The rhythm…

From the very beginning, there was only one answer, wasn't there?

It all came back to her.

All of it.

"So, if we're protecting Scootaloo, that's what we're up against, isn't it?" she seethed. "…Celestia."

"That's right," Vivace said.

Sweetie Belle was silent.

"We'll talk about the specifics later," Vivace said. "But for now, let's settle some more… pressing matters." She turned to Crescendo. "Please escort Scootaloo outside. I think you know why."

Crescendo nodded, and started walking back the way they came. Scootaloo followed, not questioning this.

"What?" Sweetie Belle said. "Why are you—?"

"Don't think I haven't noticed," Vivace said. "…your arousal."

Sweetie Belle blushed. "Er, well…"

"Your mind's more clouded than most ponies that see me," Vivace said. "I remind you of someone, don't I?"

An image of Ditzy flashed in Sweetie Belle's mind.

"Well, sort of, but I…"

Vivace twisted sensually, revealing the presence of… extremities.

Sweetie Belle blushed. A lot.

"Sweetie Belle. I can tell. If you don't have sex with me now, you'll be distracted for weeks. And we need you focused for what's coming up."

Sweetie Belle's defenses were rapidly breaking down. "Bu… how…?"

"Trust me. I've done this before." Vivace smiled, now completely in her element. "Whatever you're imagining doing to me… do it."

Sweetie Belle gulped. She didn't want to be like Rarity, but… well… what was wrong with it, anyway? They were both adults. Both of them consented. Sure, Vivace was a fish, probably like a million years old, and three times bigger than her house, but… compared to most ponies she met…

…there could be a worse way to lose her virginity.

Sweetie Belle blinked. "Okay."

– – – –

Spitfire was having sex, because of course she was having sex.

She laid down on the bed, gasping for air. "Oh my Celestia, that was amazing," she said. "How many more rounds do you think you're up for? Three? Five?"

Her partner had long since given up on the possibility that she was kidding. He tried shaking his head, but through the wheezing, it came out completely nondescript.

"Oh, you can? Very good," Spitfire said, either not noticing or not caring about her partner's condition. She leaned in and licked his face, tasting the salty sting of his sweat. She licked up and up until she reached his eye, and with a practiced mouth, proceeded to lap up a tear.

Then, she noticed his eyes widen, and looked where they looked.

Celestia was at the other end of the room, watching.

"You do realize I can see you whenever you say that, right?" she said, smiling.

Spitfire also smiled. "When I say what?"

"My name."

Spitfire's partner now looked completely terrified. "Bu… wha… Celest… you know Celestia!?"

Celestia looked at him with the kind of expression a sociopathic human might give an ant under a magnifying glass. "Oh my, and you're having sex with a man?" she said. "I could raise your sales tax for that, you know."

"Only by 2.5%," Spitfire said. "I'm only half straight. Can't be too monodimensional."

"Yes, yes, and I never did decide how to count manticores," Celestia said. She looked back at the stallion. "Can't have him bothering us while I give you your new mission, though."

Her horn glowed, the stallion shivered, and then he grabbed the nearest pillow and started humping it like a tomcat in heat, which was just bad foreplay until Celestia caught wind of it.

Spitfire seemed interested. "What is that?"

"Pleasure spell," Celestia said, casually. "He'll probably ejaculate himself to death in about five minutes. Unless you want me to give him infinite cum, which will be a little harder to clean up…"

Spitfire licked her lips. "Who said anything about cleaning up?"

Celestia's horn glowed again. "Done," she said, and the stallion's grinding grew faster. "Anyway, I assume you've heard the rumors about Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo?"

"You did tell me to keep an eye on them," Spitfire said. "They're planning something, that's for sure. Vivace Records is doing all the normal stuff for a press release—including the 'accidental' leaks."

"And? What do they say?"

Spitfire grew serious. "Sweetie Belle's planning to adopt Scootaloo. And Vivace Records is going to support them."

Celestia groaned. "As I thought," she said. "They know too much. And Vivace is taking her first move against me."

"Wait, Vivace is a person?"

"Siren, but yes, basically," Celestia said. "One of my phone tappers caught wind of it a couple weeks ago, and the other sirens squealed as soon as I raped them for a couple days. I can't believe they managed to hide it for me as long as they did, to be honest."

"Should I eliminate them, then?"

"No," Celestia said. "Scootaloo's immortal, for one. Like, me immortal. She can't die, so don't even bother. And if Vivace is who I think she is, she's going to be…" Celestia made an unpleasant face. "…a problem."

Spitfire was a bit flummoxed. "…for you?"

"Let me put it this way," Celestia said. "Let's say a giant whale suddenly got beached and attacked Canterlot. Now let's say someone goes and kills it. Instantly, even. What do you have on your hooves now?"

Spitfire thought. "Er. A dead whale?"

"Yes, exactly," Celestia said. "A giant 200 ton corpse. Even I have to teleport that piecewise. And that's gross. Really gross. I mean, I'm fine with using vivisected ponies as wallpaper, but for everyone else? It looks bad, you know? And if they even fall wrong, there goes half of Canterlot! It's a little arbitrary, but I take a little pride in having my capital city not being crushed to death once a month. That's Ponyville shit."

Spitfire tried to extract a useful lesson from this. "…so I shouldn't challenge Vivace directly?"

Celestia shook her head. "No," she said. "I'll deal with her if it comes to that. And hopefully, it won't."

"…so what do you want me to do?"

Celestia smiled. "Come now," she said, "don't let yourself be bound by mortality. There's plenty of ways of disturbing their plans that don't involve killing them."

Spitfire smiled. "I see," she said. "You want me to torture Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Vivace… without killing them."

"Exactly," Celestia said. "And that's the only condition. Sweetie Belle dying is negotiable, but…"

"…you want her to live to see it all."

"Yes," Celestia said. "If she happens to die when you push her too hard… that's fine. But don't intentionally kill her early on."

"Understood."

"And," Celestia said, turning back, "since I realize this isn't exactly your area of expertise, I've assigned you a partner."

A knife suddenly flew through the air and jammed itself into Spitfire's partner's brain. He died, which was just as well since he was probably going to end up drowning himself in a couple seconds anyway.

Fluttershy said it wasn't her fault, she just tripped.

"Fluttershy!" Spitfire said, salivating. "I've always wanted to work with her."

"Yes, I know," Celestia said. "I realize your time with Wall Breaker… left a little to be desired."

Fluttershy was already at the stallion's corpse. She pulled the knife out and lapped the blood off. She smiled. "READY TO GET STARTED?"

Spitfire, instead of answering, immediately began french kissing her, blood and all.

Celestia smiled. Her wings extended.

And she watched.

She always watched.

– – – –

Sweetie Belle slowly peeked out through the curtain. Now that the event was about to start, there were an absolutely huge amount of reporters and other pond scum there.

She gulped.

"What are you nervous for?" Crescendo said, walking up. "You've been on stage before."

"Yeah, but never for reporters," Sweetie Belle said. "They could eat me alive."

"So could Vivace, and you let her eat you out alive."

Sweetie Belle winced. "Point taken," she said, even though that wasn't actually one of the activities they did.

"You know, I still can't believe you lost your virginity to a fish…"

"Shut up!" Sweetie Belle said, blushing but not terribly angry. She was beginning to gain a little appreciation for how the music industry worked, even if it was mainly a sort of bile fascination.

Crescendo grew slightly more serious. "Besides," she said, patting Sweetie Belle on the shoulder, "you've got a supernatural thing on you that makes everyone think you're normal. What could go wrong?"

That was a really bad thing to say in Equestria.

"I know you want to protect me and all, but I still say adoption is a bit weird," Scootaloo said, now looking around frantically for Celestia to punish them for tempting fate. "I mean, what's wrong with just getting married?"

"It's creepy," Sweetie Belle said, immediately. "We all agreed on that."

"But technically I'm the same age as you—"

"Look," Crescendo said, "when the giant sex fish says something is creepy, it's creepy."

Scootaloo couldn't really argue against that one.

Sometimes Sweetie Belle wondered about her.

Crescendo made a motion that looked suspiciously like checking her watch. "Event's starting now. Better get out there."

"Right," Sweetie Belle said, and looked back.

Crescendo stared at her the best she could. It started shocking Sweetie Belle less when Crescendo got serious. "Good luck."

"Thanks."

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo walked onstage and were immediately assaulted by a barrage of flashes. They were there just to be annoying. The best newspapers all used sketch artists, since the ponies with cutie marks in art needed something to do.

Sweetie Belle reached the podium and spoke. "Hello everyone," she said. "I believe you all know who I am."

There was a time where someone would have responded to that with "Thrakerzod!" Sweetie Belle was glad those days were over.

She looked at Scootaloo. "You probably don't know who this is, though," she said.

Scootaloo, on cue, waved.

The crowd sat in rapt anticipation of hearing what they already knew.

"As you may know, my sister, Rarity was fond of stallions." Sweetie Belle paused. "Perhaps too much."

There was a light snort from the crowd.

"I hate this part," Scootaloo grumbled.

"Shut up," Sweetie Belle mouthed, and then continued. "…and I think you can imagine it's pretty unlikely she could have all that straight sex and not get pregnant."

Rarity in general was pretty unlikely, but the crowd didn't know that.

Sweetie Belle pointed to Scootaloo. "…I present to you the inevitable result of that."

The crowd gave a remarkably fake gasp.

Scootaloo groaned.

"She's either the son of a random homeless man in Ponyville or Fancy Pants," Sweetie Belle said. Fancy Pants had actually given them permission to use his name for this. He got some kind of enjoyment out of having a bunch of dubious heirs. "Regardless, I feel bad for her, so I'm going to adopt her. And Vivace Records has approved this. Any questions?"

The crowd went wild. This was the only part where they could actually learn anything new.

"Do you think Rarity has any more illegitimate children?"

"Is this actually your child!?"

"Is Vivace a person!?"

"Is it true Vivace Records hosts weekly orgies!?"

"Is this just a cover for marriage!?"

Scootaloo gave Sweetie Belle a look. Sweetie Belle decided to ignore that.

Then, she saw.

At the back of the crowd, standing still, staring at her, was… Spitfire.

At first, she was glaring, but once Sweetie Belle noticed her, she smiled. Then, she turned her head, and gestured towards to the left.

…the side of the stage Crescendo was on.

Sweetie Belle got a chill up her spine. "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, no, 15," Sweetie Belle blurted out, and then sprinted backstage.

Immediately, she fell over and shrieked, backing away as best she could in complete horror.

The crowd wondered what was happening. But Sweetie Belle didn't. Scootaloo didn't.

They knew all too well what was happening.

Because there was Crescendo, gutted to the bone…

…and written out, in her blood…

"NICE TRY."

– – – –

The rain beat down on the funeralgoers. No one had any doubt this was intentional.

Crescendo's funeral was better attended than Sweetie Belle expected. Sweetie Belle had often thought of Crescendo as sort of a… well, douche, to be honest. She was loud, promiscuous, and rude, after all. But… she was never mean. She always put her friends first, and she was willing to take quite large risks for them. You couldn't say the same thing about many polite people. Sweetie Belle never realized that… until it was too late.

But maybe that was fine. Maybe… that was what she wanted.

Because the very last thing Sweetie Belle thought about Crescendo was that she was disabled. Blind, yes—but disabled? Never. It was hard for her to even think of blindness as a disability anymore.

Crescendo had conquered that. Completely.

She got to live a quite normal life… with no regrets.

Something Sweetie Belle would probably never have.

She looked down, not particularly listening to the person currently speaking. She would have to say something too. She was one of Crescendo's closest friends, after all.

But it was hard to decide what.

As she thought, she noticed Scootaloo… biting her lip.

– – – –

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo stayed behind, looking at the tombstone.

"It's hard to believe she's gone," Sweetie Belle said. "…she was sort of like a force of nature."

"There wasn't even much left to bury," Scootaloo said.

"Scootaloo," Sweetie Belle said, slightly sternly.

Scootaloo got the message. "Sorry," she said awkwardly. She looked down. "Sometimes I forget… what blood means to normal ponies."

Now Sweetie Belle felt bad.

They took one last hard look the gravestone, then turned around and started walking away.

"We going to Vivace's afterparty?" Scootaloo said. "It sounds like it's going to be pretty—"

"No," Sweetie Belle said extremely quickly. "I can't believe they're doing that, to be honest. It seems… distasteful."

"But it was in Crescendo's will—"

"Yeah, I know, and I thought she was kidding when she told me about it that one time," Sweetie Belle grumbled. "Look, everyone else can do what they want, but I'm still a bit of a prude, okay? And if I went, it'd be weird, and I know Crescendo wouldn't want me to be there if it'd be weird."

They both stopped.

"…well, Vivace wouldn't, I know that much. Crescendo… well, she wanted me to experiment all the time, but I don't think she ever wanted me to do stuff I actively didn't like…"

"Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo said. "Stop beating yourself up about it." Then she smiled. "Besides, you'll probably get tons of time with Vivace later!"

"Uh… yeah." Sweetie Belle paused. "Wait, who told you about…?"

Then, she saw something, and stopped. It was another person walking towards the tombstone, holding an umbrella.

Scootaloo squinted. "They get here late…?"

"I don't know," Sweetie Belle said. "I think I recognize…" Then her eyes widened, and she froze.

It was Fluttershy.

Scootaloo looked confused. "What? It's just Fluttershy. She's nice." She looked ahead. "I wonder what she's doing here, though…"

"I think she's one of Celestia's henchmen," Sweetie Belle whispered.

"What!?" Scootaloo said. "That's ridiculous! I mean, completely normal! Of course she's a nationalist! …wait."

"…also, she talks too softly for me to hear," Sweetie Belle said. "Can… you understand her?"

"Yeah, of course. She sounds normal to me."

Sweetie Belle shook her head. "Must be some rhythm thing," she muttered. "Listen, if she talks to us, could you translate for me?"

Scootaloo looked a bit confused. "Okay, I guess."

One Fluttershy got close enough to the two, she said hi.

"She says hi," Scootaloo said, awkwardly.

"Thanks," Sweetie Belle said, also awkwardly. She didn't quite want to let out that, to her, Fluttershy's voice not only sounded unreasonably quiet, but also appeared to consist of nothing but demonic curses.

Fluttershy apologized for their loss.

"She apologizes for our loss."

"T-Thank you," Sweetie Belle said to what, from her perspective, was a short but disturbingly detailed description of entrail eating. She tried to act casual. "So… how did you know Crescendo, anyway?"

Fluttershy smiled. She was quiet for a couple seconds.

The rain fell.

Then…

"She killed Crescendo."

Sweetie Belle jolted. "What?"

Scootaloo didn't seem fazed at all. She acted like she had just translated some small talk about the weather.

Fluttershy, however, seemed smug.

She went on.

"She says from now on, this is what our lives will be like. We will always be on the run. If we try to make friends, they will die. There will be no running or escaping. She says she will always find us."

Once again, Scootaloo seemed to have no perception of what she was saying.

Sweetie Belle had trouble believing it. "Scootaloo… are you sure you're telling me what she's saying right?" she said, looking her in the eye.

Scootaloo blinked. "What? Why?"

Sweetie Belle decided to drop it. "Uh… no reason."

Fluttershy decided to resolve the debate herself. She walked over to Sweetie Belle, enveloping her in her umbrella, and whispered in her ear.

"NICE TRY."

Now Sweetie Belle knew. She ground her hooves. It took all her strength to not tackle her then and there. "Why are you here?" she seethed. "To taunt us?"

"YES."

Sweetie Belle looked at Scootaloo.

"DON'T WORRY. SHE CAN'T HEAR US."

Sweetie Belle glared. "So… you're one of the Three," she said. "Celestia's minions."

"THAT'S RIGHT."

"Why?"

"I SAW THE TRUTH."

"Which is?"

"THIS WORLD IS A FAÇADE. A BEAUTIFUL FAÇADE, DESIGNED TO TORTURE US ALL."

Sweetie Belle scoffed. "Spare me your justifications," she said. "Just go, okay? There's nothing we can—"

"PRETTY BOLD TALK, COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO PARTICIPATES IN BESTIALITY."

Sweetie Belle bristled. "Are you talking about Vivace? She may be a fish, but she is definitely not an animal—!"

"I KNOW."

Sweetie Belle stopped. "What?"

"I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT HER. I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU."

Sweetie Belle froze. She could see what she was getting at, and it wasn't pretty.

"DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU HAD ANY FREE WILL THERE? SHE COULD HAVE CRUSHED YOU LIKE A TOOTHPICK. AND WITH HER MUSK…" Fluttershy breathed in Sweetie Belle's ear a little too closely. "YOU HAD NO CHOICE AT ALL."

Sweetie Belle tried to come back.

"TO HER… PONIES ARE ANIMALS."

…but no words would come.

"AND I'M SURE HER TRACK RECORD ISN'T CLEAN ON THE REAL THING EITHER."

Sweetie Belle shook.

Fluttershy pulled back, and then looked casual again. She told them to have a nice day, opened her wings, and then fluttered away.

"She says have a nice day," Scootaloo said.

"No, she said 'dripping red flesh covered beakers.'"

"…what?"

Sweetie Belle shook her head, shaken. "Nevermind," she got out. "Did you hear what you were saying?"

"What?"

"Fluttershy killed Crescendo."

"What!? No she didn't, she just…" Scootaloo stopped. "Wait, I… no… she…" She looked like she was about to cry. "W-What? No way. I didn't… but…"

"I was right. She's one of Celestia's henchmen… so she has mind control powers that only I'm immune to." Sweetie Belle smirked. "I guess… this is what we're up against."

She started walking off.

Scootaloo shook.

– – – –

Sweetie Belle and Vivace were soaked.

…with water, of course. What were you thinking?

Sweetie Belle panted. "That was, well…"

"Amazing?"

"…yes."

Sweetie Belle paused. She looked awkward. "Is this… too soon?"

Vivace looked amused. "After that afterparty? I don't think so. Besides, it's hard to resist, isn't it?"

It was hard to tell what Vivace was talking about in particular. "What?"

"Being around someone else not on the rhythm."

Sweetie Belle looked up. "Yeah," she said, "I guess it is. I feel like… well…"

"I understand you?"

"…yeah."

Vivace nudged her head closer to Sweetie Belle. "I understand the feeling," she said. "I feel like you understand me as well."

Sweetie Belle became unsure. "Really?"

"Yes."

"You're not just… saying that, are you?"

"No. …why?"

Sweetie Belle tried to think of something to say, something other than the truth, but failed.

"Something's bothering you," Vivace said. "I can tell."

"I…"

"You can tell me. Trust me."

Sweetie Belle swallowed. "It's just… after the funeral, I bumped into Fluttershy…"

"Yes, and she taunted you. You've told me that."

Sweetie Belle looked at Vivace. "I didn't… tell you everything she said, though."

Vivace braced herself.

Sweetie Belle winced. "She said… our relationship was… like… like… a relationship between a pony and an animal."

Vivace chuckled a bit, and almost looked relieved. "Why, because I'm a fish? Trust me, I may not have fur, but I'm more than sentient enough to—"

"No, I mean… from your perspective."

Vivace looked confused. "From my perspective? What do you—?" She stopped. "Oh. Oh."

Sweetie Belle looked down. "Just how much… do your physical and mental abilities exceed mine?" she said. "I mean, yeah, I was attracted to you, but you've practiced attracting ponies for like, a million years. You knew just the right things to say, just the right things to do… you even emit pheromones." She blinked. "Did I… even have a choice?"

Vivace paused. "You're worried that this…" She gestured. This… isn't real?"

"Yeah. …sort of."

Vivace then winced, and looked a bit depressed. "You're worried… I'm some sort of serial rapist."

Sweetie Belle got flustered. "No! I mean, well… I…"

Vivace shook her head. "No, it's fine," she said. "I'm glad you're thinking about it seriously. Sometimes I wonder myself, to be honest."

Vivace paused, thinking about what to say. "Did you have a choice?" she said. "Yes. Because I gave you a choice. Remember what I said to you, the first time?"

Sweetie Belle thought back. "'Whatever you're imagining doing to me… do it.'"

"That's right. And I say that to everyone." If she could blush through scales, she would have. "I mean, of course I say it as husky as possible, which usually gets people going, but trust me, there are a lot of ways I could… coerce ponies. And I don't. I made that choice long time ago." She looked down. "It's actually not natural for sirens, you know. We're designed to seduce. We can take charge of just about any situation, make people… do just about anything, really. And they'll be happy about it."

Sweetie Belle was getting worried. "And how do I know you didn't do that to me?"

Vivace thought about it. "I guess," she said, "you really don't."

Sweetie Belle was silent.

"Sorry, but I have to be honest," Vivace said. "We are that good. And I… had some falling outs with my sisters over it." She looked back, at her body. "But, well… they never had to deal the sheer, well, size I have my disposal. It changes things." She shook slightly. "I saw what some of the other old ones did with their power, when they were alive. It… wasn't pretty."

Sweetie Belle looked down. Something was still bothering her.

"Is that… enough?"

"I think so," Sweetie Belle said. She opened her mouth. "I just… you're so big and strong and smart and…" She laughed nervously. "You don't really look at us like animals, do you?"

Vivace paused, and looked Sweetie Belle in the eye. "Would it matter?"

Sweetie Belle was silent.

"If I thought of ponies, and other species as animals… pets, even, what would that mean? That I would want nothing but to use you for my own gain?" Then, Vivace stopped. "No, maybe it would," she said, leaning back, sullen. "But… my own gain is your happiness. I want to shelter you from the world. Protect you. Maybe too much. And maybe I view you all as too disposable. …but I think every being with a life as long as mine goes through that."

"But Celestia…"

"Let me tell you a secret about Celestia," Vivace said. "She doesn't think of ponies as having inferior minds. She enjoys breaking them specifically because of their sentience. She doesn't even really like torturing animals." She shook her head. "And I know what you're going to say. She's done that a lot. But trust me, for her, doing something for even 1% of her life is… a lot."

Sweetie Belle looked out at the slowly rippling water, thinking about what she just heard.

Suddenly, a question that had been nagging Sweetie Belle in the back of her head for quite a long time rose to the surface.

"Er, how old is Celestia exactly?"

Vivace opened her mouth, as if she was about to confidently answer, but then she stopped, and looked vaguely unsure. A couple seconds later, she looked downright worried.

Luckily, she was saved by an intruder.

"Vivace!" they yelled, running across the catwalk. "We got a situation!"

If they had risked coming down there during Vivace's "private time," it must have been serious. "What is it?" Vivace said, tensing up.

"It's… it's that child, Scootaloo. She's gone!"

"What!?" Vivace yelled. For the first time since they had met, Sweetie Belle saw Vivace angry. "What were you doing!? You were supposed to be watching her!"

"Er, well, I…"

"Who took her!?" Sweetie Belle said, shaking the pony. "Tell me, who was it!?"

"I, uh…" They tried to compose themselves. "She did. Scootaloo took herself."

"…what."

– – – –

Apparently, after looking serious for a long time, Scootaloo had suddenly pushed her bodyguard to the ground and jumped straight out the closest window. Once outside, with hundreds of glass shards embedded in her fur, she ran off as quickly as she could.

Obviously, she wanted to get away.

Why?

Sweetie Belle wished she could have known. She should've been paying more attention. She should've watched her more. At the funeral, she seemed bothered…

No, it was too late to think of that.

Sweetie Belle asked Vivace if she could think of any place Scootaloo would go to hide. Any place that was important to her. Something that might have survived the memory wipe.

Vivace almost answered, but then she pointed out something.

What places were important to her when they were friends? That was more recent.

And then it hit Sweetie Belle.

She stopped running, panting, and looked at the overgrown, decrepit building in front of her.

The CMC clubhouse.

It was a hunch, but it was the most important place for them for a very long time.

And inside…

She could hear the faint sound of whimpers.

Was it Scootaloo? There was only one way to find out.

Sweetie Belle slowly walked up the wooden stairs up to the clubhouse, hoping they didn't creak, or worse, collapse with age. She didn't want to risk calling out and scaring Scootaloo away—if it was her.

Finally, she reached the door. After taking a breath… she pushed it open.

And she could see, in the center of the room, Scootaloo, looking more pathetic than she had ever seen her. Her fur was matted with blood, and still perforated with glass shards. She was curled up, almost in the fetal position, shaking and crying, although it seemed the tears ran out long ago.

"S-Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle said. "What are you doing here?"

Scootaloo winced.

Sweetie Belle approached her. "Come on, come back with me. Everyone's worried…"

"NO!" Scootaloo screamed, and Sweetie Belle stopped in her tracks. "Just… leave me alone. Please."

Sweetie Belle stopped, trying to think of what to say. "…why? Scootaloo, why? After everything we've done to protect you… why?"

Scootaloo looked down. "I'm sorry, but… that's why."

"What?"

"Everything you've done to protect me," Scootaloo said. "It's pointless. In fact, it's worse than pointless."

Sweetie Belle nervously laughed. "That isn't—"

Scootaloo looked Sweetie Belle in the eye, filled with sadness. "You're mortal, and I'm immortal. Nothing can change that," she said. "How can you 'protect' me from anything? The best you can do is be a meat shield for me. And I don't even need a shield! If there's an attack, you're going to die, not me. If anything, I should be protecting you. And I just can't deal with it anymore."

Sweetie Belle paused. "Is this… about Crescendo?"

"Yes, it's about Crescendo!" Scootaloo yelled. "She could have lived such a long, fulfilling life. But what did she do? She associated with me, and bam! It all ended. And I can't live knowing that that's going to happen over and over again." Scootaloo looked outside. "So, from now on… I'm gonna be alone. I can handle it. I'm sure. That way… I can stop anyone else from being hurt."

Sweetie Belle thought about it. She wasn't sure about this, but… something was bothering her. "Are you… sure?

Scootaloo stopped. "What?"

"If you run away… will that really stop anyone from being hurt?"

"It will stop me from…"

"That's what I mean. Will it stop that?"

Scootaloo hesitated. "Well, Celestia will…"

"Do you think that'd stop her?"

"I…"

Sweetie Belle let her adrenaline get the better of her. "Scootaloo, I think I'm beginning to get an idea of how Celestia thinks, and it doesn't end well for you," she said. "She wants you to be miserable. And that's going to apply whether you're with us or in the wilderness or whatever. If you run away, who's to say you aren't going to get our heads mailed to your doorstep one day?"

"That's…"

Sweetie Belle touched Scootaloo's shoulder lightly. She didn't quite want to hug her—not with all those glass shards. "We can't let Celestia win," she said. "As long as you're miserable… she wins. If you run away, isolate yourself from civilization… she wins. After all this… all we sacrificed… do you want Celestia to win?"

Scootaloo was shocked, but then, she ground her teeth and glared. "No."

"Then come back with me."

Scootaloo looked like she was almost considering it. "But… you could…"

"I know what the risks are," Sweetie Belle said. "I was willing to give my life for you from the beginning."

Scootaloo looked like she was having a hard time comprehending this. "But… why?"

"Because… even if you don't remember…" Sweetie Belle's voice broke. "We were friends."

Scootaloo was silent.

"…so? Will you come back?"

Scootaloo hesitated. "I… I just don't want…"

Sweetie Belle shook her head. "No, don't think that," she said. "We're all willing to…"

"That's not it." Scootaloo looked at Sweetie Belle. "I… don't want to be some helpless damsel in distress, okay? You're all putting your lives on the line for me. I don't want to just sit back and do nothing."

"Then don't."

Scootaloo looked surprised. "What?"

Sweetie Belle thought about it. "You said you should be protecting us, right?" she said. "Well… why not?"

"I…"

"I mean, you are one of the five immortals, right?"

Scootaloo gaped.

And then, she smiled.

"…you know, I guess I am."

– – – –

Outside, Spitfire twitched, shaking the branch her and Fluttershy were listening from.

"That's…" she said, sounding a bit worried. She turned to Fluttershy. "Is she?"

Fluttershy nodded.

"So… we're up against another immortal now?"

Fluttershy merely smiled.

"THIS IS FINALLY GETTING INTERESTING."

– – – –

The crowd cheered. Sweetie Belle bowed, not a trace of humility in her.

"I can say anything I want and you'll still love me!" she yelled into the mic.

The crowd just cheered harder.

Sweetie Belle waited a few seconds for them to quiet down, then tapped the mic.

She sang.

To nearly everyone in the audience, it seemed as if time itself had stopped. They would come to their senses a few minutes later, not entirely sure what happened, only that it was euphoric.

What did the exception do?

Stand in the back. Watching.

He was a human with a thick beard and glasses and plaid shirt. He squinted at the stage, looking for her.

The orange filly. Scootaloo.

Everyone else had forgotten about her. In particular, the two scientists he was working with. And when he tried looking her up, he found that all the paperwork about her had mysteriously disappeared.

Except for a few choice documents in the bowels of Corvorum Crepusculum's archives.

When he showed that to the higher-ups, they suddenly became much more interested. A fifth immortal? One much more easily accessible than the royalty? And one that had the power to make the entire world forget about them?

This was the biggest lead they had found in their entire history.

And they would have her.

â€“ â€“ â€“ â€“

Sweetie Belle walked backstage, exhausted.

Scootaloo clapped with enthusiasm usually reserved for US Congress. "Another good show," she said. "I've been wondering just how much you could get away with."

Sweetie Belle quietly dreaded this part. "I'm just running out of ideas," she said. "No matter what I do, they react the same way. Gotta spice it up somehow."

"Yeah, but singing 'FYI I wanna F yourâ€”'"

"So!" Sweetie Belle said, cutting her off. "â€¦any security problems?"

Scootaloo gave her a look, but then collected herself. "No," she said. "There was a human in the back giving you stinkeye the whole time, but, er, after that concert there could have been any reason for thatâ€¦"

"I get the picture," Sweetie Belle snapped. She shook her head. "It's strange. Why hasn't Celestia or her cronies attacked us yet?

"I don't know," Scootaloo said. "She's usually pretty open, but now, it's been years since we've heard from any of them."

Sweetie Belle froze. "You don't thinkâ€¦ she's planning something big, do you?"

Scootaloo shrugged. "Maybe she just heard I was becoming head of security here and got scared."

Sweetie Belle knew she was joking, but couldn't help but think there was something to that. Having a previously powerless immortal suddenly gain a large number of friends and followers might have been enough to rattle Celestia. And neither of them knew everything about Scootaloo's immortality. Maybe there was some good reason Celestia was biding her timeâ€¦

â€“ â€“ â€“ â€“

"You failed to get into Vivace Records?" Celestia said, pacing, looking confused. "Again?"

"Well, 'failed' isn't completely accurate," Spitfire said, a bit nervous, but composed. "You said you didn't want us to make a scene when dealing with Vivace Records, and, well… getting in would have made a scene. The best way in we could determine would have required significant brute force."

"You've had years."

Spitfire sighed. "Yes, and we could just storm the place if you gave authorization, but…"

Celestia shook her head. "No, no, keep it discreet," she said. "I really don't want to deal with Vivace trashing Canterlot. Right now the benefit doesn't outweigh the risk."

Spitfire perked up. "But eventually it could…?"

Celestia bit her lip. "Keep a brute force plan in reserve, I'll say that much," she said. "Any new information, at least?"

Spitfire got serious. "Nothing too concrete. They've been pretty tight lately. But we heard a rumor… one that confirms Fluttershy's suspicion."

Celestia stopped. "You don't mean…"

"Vivace Record's security likely improved when Scootaloo became the head of security." Spitfire looked down. "Some disgruntled ex-employees were complaining about taking orders from a child and… we connected the dots."

Celestia grit her teeth, and ground her hooves on the floor. It shaved off some of the wood. "And? What about that other organization? Corvorum Crep… Crepus…?"

"Corvorum Crepusculum?" Spitfire said. "There's no evidence anyone there has remembered Scootaloo. They've been staking out Vivace Records and tailing Sweetie Belle a bit, but they could have any reason for that. I mean, they're celebrities. We could infiltrate them deeper and find out for sure, but…"

"No, it's fine," Celestia said. "In fact, pull out of Corvorum Crepusculum. I'll assign a lower-level operative to keep me posted on them. We need to focus on this threat, especially when they've displayed no intent to harm me."

Spitfire visibly relaxed. "That should make things a bit easier."

Celestia looked out the window and smiled bitterly. "This is anything if not boring," she said. "Why did you have to do that, Luna…?"

Spitfire had no idea what that meant.

Celestia turned back. "Listen, this will either resolve itself in a few days or everything's going to shit," she said, looking uncharacteristically serious. "Storming Vivace Records is a real possibility, although I hope it doesn't come to that. Let me put it this way—in my entire long life, nothing like this has ever happened before."

As pep talks went, that was probably the worst possible. Spitfire was sweating.

Celestia noticed, and turned around and licked it off Spitfire's face. "…but let's not think about that right now. Get Fluttershy out here. I need to fuck."

– – – –

A few days later, it happened.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were having a late night snack when suddenly, at the stroke of midnight, everyone just stopped. And, just like before, Sweetie Belle seemed to be the only person conscious of this.

"H-Hello?" she got out, looking around. All the other ponies around her had frozen in place, as if time had stopped. The only thing that gave away that time was, indeed, still moving, were the slight twitching one could observe in their muscles. Their heads, in particular, twitched the most, and their eyes seemed to have trouble focusing.

But when Sweetie Belle turned her head back to Scootaloo, she saw the worst of all.

Scootaloo looked like she was in pain. Her body was convulsing, and her mouth hung open, not even in a scream, just catatonic. Her eyes rolled up, and it seemed they would soon roll back into her head.

"Scootaloo!?" Sweetie Belle yelled, and grasped her closer. And as soon as Scootaloo touched Sweetie Belle's fur…

…it stopped.

Scootaloo went back to normal, breathing heavily, clearly shaken. Everyone else, however, continued to be still. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo kept holding onto each other, not sure what else they could do.

After a half minute passed, everyone else returned to normal, and the world seemed to turn right again.

Sweetie Belle slowly let go of Scootaloo, neither sure it was safe to yet. When they separated, though, nothing appeared to happen.

Scootaloo still looked shaken. "Wha… What was that?" she said.

Sweetie Belle could not find the words. "I… I don't know," she admitted. "Are you okay?"

"Dear Celestia I have a headache," Scootaloo said, grasping her head. "…and I feel a little… hazy. But I think… I'll be fine."

"Good," Sweetie Belle said, relaxing a bit. "You were looking pretty bad there."

Scootaloo looked a bit worried. "I was?"

"Yeah. You were shaking, and your eyes were rolling back in your head…"

Scootaloo looked down, not really sure how to respond to that. "…huh."

"I remember… this happened before," Sweetie Belle said. "…the day I found you."

Scootaloo froze at that, and slowly looked up at Sweetie Belle. "The day I had amnesia?"

Sweetie Belle saw what Scootaloo was getting to, and a bead of sweat dripped down her face. "Yeah."

They looked at each other, and without saying a word more, got up from the table and started running.

Spitfire, a few tables away, got up to follow, but was stopped by a hoof on her shoulder.

She looked up. "Celestia!?"

The entire restaurant panicked with as much composure as they could muster after Celestia appeared out of nowhere like that. "Tell me," Celestia said, looking down at Spitfire with eagle eyes, "did it work?"

Spitfire hesitated, not quite sure what that meant. "Did… what work?"

"Did Scootaloo… forget?"

Spitfire, as was normal for these type of situations with Celestia, guessed. "…no," she said. "She said she had a headache but… that was about it."

Celestia froze, her fur standing on end.

Lately, she had seemed a bit uncharacteristically frazzled, but this was the first time Spitfire had ever seen her scared.

"I'll handle them. Destroy Vivace Records," Celestia said, eyes wide. "Now!"

And then Celestia, in what would forever go down in that restaurant's history, opened her wings and rocketed out the front door, taking most of the wall with her.

– – – –

"You think that was an attempt to wipe your memory?" Sweetie Belle said as they ran.

"I'm sure of it!" Scootaloo said. "If you hadn't have stopped it just in time, I'd probably be a vegetable by now!"

"How do you know!?"

Scootaloo looked a little unsure. "I… I don't know. My head feels a little hazy, but…" She paused. "I think… I'm remembering a few things too. Like—"

Before Scootaloo could finish, however, she was crushed to a cinder by a royal hoof with the agility of a hawk.

Celestia looked up at Sweetie Belle from the small crater she had made with no small amount of bloodlust. Her horn began to crackle.

In that split second, Sweetie Belle's fight or flight instinct kicked in, and she wisely decided to reconsider her policy of not teleporting within Canterlot.

– – – –

She quickly regretted this.

Immediately after teleporting, Sweetie Belle found herself in a pitch black, constricted space filled with… some kind of viscuous liquid. It quickly constricted more, and she was forced into it. After some struggling, she popped back up for some air, but a wave of fluid quickly forced back down again.

She grimaced, knowing that was what she got for not imagining a specific place when she teleported…

She tried to struggle some more, but the fluid was too thick to swim easily in. She tried to charge up her magic, but was having difficulty, when she noticed…

The constrictions came in a pattern, and with a sound.

Coughing.

And she saw a faint light.

As much as she could, she pushed herself in that direction, and pressed herself against the walls to trigger a gag reflex. After a particularly violent shudder, a strong wave of fluid pushed her up, and she was thrown with great velocity onto something metal.

"Agh!" Sweetie Belle seethed, wincing. The hard impact hadn't done her any good. More importantly, though, she had to figure out where she was. She looked around, and quickly came face-to-face with…

…a very confused, still coughing, Vivace.

"I-If you were into that," she got out, still gagging, "you c-could've just said so…"

Sweetie Belle quickly regained her composure with the infinite power of being pissed off. "Celestia's ground Scootaloo to ashes and tried to kill me!" she screamed. "She might be after us next!"

Vivace stopped. "WHAT!?"

Immediately afterwards, there was a loud scraping sound, and the elevator down to Vivace's tank fell down the chute, crushed into scrap. Some thick rubble from the ceiling came to finish the job.

Sweetie Belle turned. "What was that!?"

Vivace froze. "The failsafe," she said. "It blocks the entrance to this place. The secretary's trained to use it if Vivace Records is ever… attacked."

"So we're trapped in here!?"

"Not for long," Vivace said, grimacing. "If Celestia's attacking us, it's only a matter of time before she drills her way down here." She ground her teeth. "I never thought she'd actually…" She whipped her head at Sweetie Belle. "What happened!? Why did she attack you two!?"

Sweetie Belle thought as quickly as she could. "I don't know! Right before that, everyone just froze, and Scootaloo started shaking, and I grabbed her and it just… stopped."

Vivace's eyes widened. "What?"

"I don't know what happened either. Scootaloo said it was an attempt to… erase her memory."

"And did it work!?"

"No. She said… she had a headache but… she was starting to remember some things."

Vivace looked shaken. "I see," she said. "I can see why…" She shook her head.

Sweetie Belle wanted to ask more, but knew there was no time.

"Listen," Vivace said, looking at Sweetie Belle. "This is going to sound ridiculous, but… if we're screwed anyway, why not try to strike back?"

– – – –

When Spitfire and Fluttershy arrived at Vivace Records, Celestia was already there and had plastered everyone in the reception room all over the walls.

She looked back at them, almost completely coated in blood.

Fluttershy let out an extremely inappropriate sigh of ecstasy.

"Find Sweetie Belle and Vivace, but don't kill them just yet," Celestia ordered. "I have something important I must attend to."

She looked at the still beating heart in her hooves and teleported away.

"What's got Celestia rattled?" Spitfire got out. "I've never seen her like this."

Fluttershy said she didn't care, and licked some entrails off the walls. Then, her ears perked, and her head shot up. She sniffed a few times.

She smiled. "THERE'S STILL PEOPLE HERE," she said. "LET'S INTERROGATE THEM."

– – – –

In a pitch black room deep in the bowels of the Canterlot Castle dungeon, Celestia had Scootaloo tied up.

Scootaloo was wheezing. Even for an immortal, being ground to dust that many times took a bit out of you. It hurt. "What… are you doing… Celestia?"

Celestia was burning some complicated looking diagrams into the floor with magic. The room was filled with the smell of burning asphalt. "What I should've done a long time ago," she said. She stopped, and looked up briefly. "You were right, you know. That incident was supposed to erase your memory."

"So I… know something I shouldn't?"

Celestia smiled bitterly, and got back to work. "Yes, that's right," she said. "Something that could unravel everything I've worked for."

"Can't you… just make me forget it?"

Celestia made eye contact with Scootaloo. "Oh, I am," she said, "but the nature of what you've begun to grasp means I have to be a little more… thorough than usual."

"What… do I know?"

"Who you are."

Celestia then finished drawing one last line, looked over her work, and ignited it with a magic spark. Like a giant fuse, it made a glow spread throughout all the lines, until finally, the glow went up into Scootaloo's body and…

…did nothing.

Or perhaps that's a little misleading. It caused her mind to become nothing—-completely blank. She hung there, limp, hardly moving a muscle.

At a regular interval, she twitched slightly.

Celestia smiled.

She exited the room and looked at the very confused guard outside. "Leave her in there for a year, then do whatever you want with her. Just make sure she doesn't leave the castle. Ever."

The guard nodded.

Celestia looked up, and decided to cover all her bases. "And if anything weird happens, and she gets out, say my name five times a second for a minute and my global surveillance magic will tip me off. Sound good?"

The guard looked a bit worried at that. "Global surveillance…?"

Celestia patted the guard on the back. He winced. She might have broken a rib, but she didn't really care. "Glad to know you've got my back!" she said, and walked away.

The guard didn't dare move away from the room.

"That should keep her at bay for the time being," Celestia muttered as she walked through a flesh wound and potted plant. Her peace was short-lived, though, for as soon as she got anywhere close to the normal wings of the castle, a stressed looking messenger ran up to her.

"What is it!?" she snapped, seeing how clearly they wanted to speak with her.

"P-Princess," they got out, and bowed. "I have important news. There's… er… Canterlot's…"

"Spit it out!"

The messenger cleared his throat awkwardly. "There's, uh, a giant fish slithering through Canterlot and crushing a bunch of buildings." He paused. "…and possibly violating public decency laws while she's at it."

"She?" Celestia paused, taking this in. "…fuck."

– – – –

"…we found Vivace," Spitfire said sheepishly.

Celestia was having a very long day. "Very impressive, Spitfire," she got out. "Very impressive."

Vivace was slowly crawling through the edge of Canterlot, heading towards the castle. The citizens had plenty of time to run. She was not exactly built for land travel. And…

"Is she… humping that building?" Celestia said, incredulously.

Spitfire could not think of anything useful to say. "…yes. I believe she is."

Fluttershy, with her deep knowledge of animal biology, confirmed this.

"I see," Celestia said.

They hovered above the scene for a minute, watching.

"So, like, is this part of your plan?" Spitfire asked. "Because you specifically told us to avoid this happening."

"Luna plans. I just do stuff and see what happens," Celestia said. "I thought you realized that by now."

They watched some more.

"This is part of her plan," Celestia said. "She wants to distract us."

"Yes, and it's working," Spitfire said, blushing.

Celestia cleared her throat. "So, have you found Sweetie Belle yet?" she asked the two of them.

They both shook their heads. "We've been looking through the streets, but we haven't seen anything," Spitfire said. She looked down. "Also…"

"I get it, I get it," Celestia said. She looked down at Vivace again and started muttering. "She knows too much, I have to kill her. But if I kill her, I can't fuck her, and she's the last of her kind. But if I fuck her then kill her, it'll be a bitch explaining that to PR…"

Spitfire raised an eyebrow. "Celestia?"

Celestia clopped her hooves together. "That's it!" she said. She turned to Spitfire and Fluttershy. "Evacuate everyone from Canterlot as quickly as possible. That will make me look responsible and give us some privacy! And if Sweetie Belle's hiding out around here, she'll stay behind and get easy to find!"

Fluttershy nodded, and immediately started zipping off and yelling at people. Spitfire hovered for a little longer, looking disappointed.

It took Celestia a second to understand what she was getting at. "…and after you've gotten everyone out here, you can help me… 'restrain' Vivace."

"Yes sir!" Spitfire said, and sped off as well.

– – – –

"ATTENTION EVERYONE!" Fluttershy screamed, making everyone in a mile radius go silent. "YOU ARE ORDERED TO IMMEDIATELY EVACUATE CANTERLOT! PROCEED IN AN ORDERLY FASHION TO THE SPECIFIED EXITS! REMEMBER, RICH PEOPLE FIRST!"

"Why are we evacuating!?" someone yelled back. "I have a business to run!"

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes and punched them in the face. "BECAUSE OF THE GIANT FUCKING FISH FUCKING THE CITY, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER! NOW MOVE!"

As the crowd filed out, Sweetie Belle nervously hid among them, covering her face with a hood she had stolen from someone. So far, Vivace's part of the plan was going perfectly. She was right—there was no way Celestia was going to kill her immediately. And she was only thing in this world that could possibly distract Celestia for that long. Yes, Spitfire and Fluttershy would be after Sweetie Belle, but with Celestia out of the picture, everything became much easier.

Not to mention, Vivace said fucking a city had always been on her bucket list.

So there was that, too.

Vivace seemed to be taking the prospect of her impending death quite well. She even joked that Celestia might choose to keep her alive after all, as a sex slave or something.

But the chance of that was slim. She simply knew too much about the alicorns and Scootaloo to be kept alive. She knew her days were numbered ever since Celestia found out about her existence.

And she might as well go out with a bang.

While she had moral reservations about fucking a city, Sweetie Belle could basically get behind that.

Unfortunately, that meant everything was now up to her.

Sweetie Belle's only hope was to find Scootaloo. Somehow. There was no way grinding Scootaloo into fine ashes had killed her—Sweetie Belle had personally witnessed her survive worse than that.

Vivace said Celestia was likely keeping her constrained somewhere deep in Canterlot Castle. And she probably had some type of magic on her, to make up for the memory wipe not working. It would be nearly impossible to find her, but there was one good thing about Canterlot Castle—once you got in, it was very difficult to get out. And finding anything specific? It could get annoyingly hard even for Celestia and Luna.

Even if Sweetie Belle couldn't find Scootaloo, staying in Canterlot Castle was probably her best chance for survival in general.

And with her ability to manipulate the rhythm, perhaps she could do more than just survive.

When she saw a good opportunity, Sweetie Belle broke from the crowd and ran the opposite direction, towards the castle, trying to take cover when she could.

Fluttershy pretended she didn't notice.

– – – –

Celestia landed on Vivace's nose, because that was pretty much the only place she could land and have Vivace hear her.

"You know, for a while there, I was thinking of ignoring you, since you'd be a pain to kill," Celestia said. She looked around at the carnage. "…but then you became a public menace."

Vivace tried, and failed, to cross her eyes to see Celestia. She smiled anyway, and tried to look confident. "Why? Am I breaking any laws?"

Celestia shrugged. "Only property destruction, actually."

Vivace stopped. "Wait, no public decency laws?"

"Those are just an urban myth. I make up laws as I go, but I never make a law I know I'll break."

Vivace looked disappointed, as if she missed out on some opportunities in life.

Celestia laughed. "You know, I bet you told your disciple something noble, like that you were going to distract me while she ran away," she said. Celestia leaned into one of Vivace's eyes, giving her the first clear look at her face. "But I know the truth. You just wanted an excuse to fuck this city, didn't you?"

"I'll admit, that was part of it," Vivace said, angling herself at a particularly good-looking spire. "And I didn't hide that from her at all."

Celestia was actually a little surprised. "Really?"

"It's a gamble, we both know that. We both decided to end our lives with the least regrets possible," Vivace said. "…and you know what? The fact remains that even though you figured out our plan, you're still here, distracted."

"Don't get too cocky," Celestia snapped. "She still has my two best after her." Celestia hesitated. "Well, just Fluttershy in a bit, but I think that's more than enough."

"One against one? And they both can control the rhythm? I like the sound of those odds," Vivace said. "…I never thought you'd let yourself go so much, Celestia."

Celestia shrugged. "Times have changed," she said. "I'm no longer interested in victory. Just relieving boredom."

Vivace sneered. "If you really want to relieve your boredom, why not bring her back?"

Celestia twitched. "That's different," she said, hesitating. "Scootaloo's too much of a wildcard even for me. And she'd end the game. Twilight won't like it, but I'm sure she'll participate when she realizes how necessary it is. And when she realizes it can work in her favor…"

Vivace cut her off. "Doesn't change the fact that you're scared of another immortal who has the exact same abilities you do," she said. "Tell me, does she really know some deep dark secret about you, or are you just afraid of her because she's the only immortal you've met with a backbone?"

Celestia grimaced. "You're pushing your luck, Vivace."

Vivace curled around a church tower and wrapped herself around it as if she were… nevermind. "What can I say? I want to die without any regrets," she said. "And I know that no matter what I do, I'll never be as much of a monster as you."

Celestia, with excessive agility, jumped off Vivace's nose and hovered next to her other eye. "Don't you moralize to me," she seethed. "I wonder what your little disciple would think if she learned what you used to do. Even the other sirens were disgusted." She narrowed her eyes. "This isn't even the first city you've screwed, you sick fuck. And you made sure the other ones were full of people."

Vivace shivered, her coils tightening, unable to argue.

"And you always find a way to start up a little cult, don't you? Even after you 'reformed,' you fucked everyone in that building on a practically daily basis, didn't you? I don't even know how you fucking talk anyone into it. One small move and, crack, there goes someone's neck! I'm sure you told everyone you had complete control over yourself, but I wonder just how many crushed ponies you had to cover up? I swear, it's like puppy rape without any of the good parts."

"I never… realized you cared," Vivace said, shaking and gasping.

Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Listen bitchfish, it may not seem like it, but I have a very simple standard of morality!" she yelled. "I've noticed, in my very long life, that the morality of any given action tends to be inversely correlated to the amount of blood and cum you have to clean up afterwards!" She paused. "And by that standard, you've been a lot worse than I have in the same amount of years!" She looked back, at the crushed buildings. "I mean, fucking hell, how am I supposed to clean that slop up!?"

"Sell it as a delicacy?" Vivace offered.

"That's Lyra shit," Celestia snapped, and then stopped, mumbling. "…wait, no, the rich people here will buy just about anything, and their sick tastes almost exceed mine…" She looked back up. "Okay, so I have a profitable and efficient way to get rid of your mess! My point still stands!"

The tower collapsed, and Vivace landed to the ground with a much too practiced grace. She looked Celestia in the eye, laying it on thick. "You know, I always thought you were cute when you were angry," she purred.

Celestia blushed more than she had in a couple thousand years. "Oh fuck am I glad I kept you alive."

At that, a bright orange-yellowish blur sped towards them. "Princess, I've evacuated the—!"

Vivace casually swung her tail and slammed Spitfire into the ground, instantly killing her.

Celestia blinked, not used to seeing such casual disregard for life from anyone but herself.

"I've been waiting for this day for a hundred thousand years," Vivace purred. "Mortal pets are nice, but I'm tired of holding back." After noticing Celestia gaping, she added, "And this will make things easier for Sweetie Belle, of course."

Celestia smirked. "You sick bastard," she said. "Fuck me now."

– – – –

Sweetie Belle ran through the empty streets.

If the sounds she was hearing were any indication, Vivace had Celestia sufficiently distracted.

"DON'T GET COCKY," a voice said, and as Sweetie Belle turned to face it, a knife missed her nose by a hair. As it wobbled in the wall, Sweetie Belle gaped at it, then looked at its source.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN HEAR THE RHYTHM, CAN YOU?" Fluttershy said, holding some more knives in her wings. "THIS WOULD GO A LOT EASIER IF YOU COULD."

Sweetie Belle smiled, trying to be confident. "Where's Spitfire?"

"PROBABLY HUMPING THAT FISH," Fluttershy said, shrugging. "I CAN SEE THE APPEAL, BUT SHE'S NOT REALLY MY THING. TOO BIG FOR ME TO HURT."

Sweetie Belle twitched. "And you made fun of me for sleeping with her?"

Fluttershy smirked. "THAT'S RIGHT," she said. "I COULD SENSE VIVACE WAS A PERSON LIKE ME."

Sweetie Belle ignored that, and got serious. "So… it's just you and me."

"THAT'S RIGHT."

There was a tense silence.

"So, what do you want?" Sweetie Belle said. "Celestia tried to kill me. You here to finish the job?"

"NO, SHE WANTS YOU ALIVE," Fluttershy said. "I KNEW SHE WASN'T THINKING CLEARLY WHEN SHE TRIED TO KILL YOU."

"…right," Sweetie Belle got out, unconvinced.

"…BUT YOU GOT AWAY ANYWAY, DIDN'T YOU?"

Sweetie Belle swallowed.

"I EXPECT YOU TO PROVIDE ME WITH A SIMILAR AMOUNT OF ENTERTAINMENT."

There was a whoosh, and all the knives in Fluttershy's wings jammed themselves into the wall.

Sweetie Belle, however, was gone.

Fluttershy smiled, and took to the air. Sweetie Belle was already around the next corner, and quickly running closer to the castle.

Sweetie Belle looked up while running. "I thought you said Celestia wanted me alive!" she yelled.

"CELESTIA HAS A VERY GENEROUS DEFINITION OF 'ALIVE,'" Fluttershy said, and swooped down.

Sweetie Belle, continuing to run, dodged. Fluttershy, undeterred, swooped down a few more times, and Sweetie Belle, each time, dodged perfectly, with the minimum amount of motion.

Fluttershy was a bit surprised, but not unhappy about it. "INTERESTING," she said. "CAN YOU SEE THE RHYTHM?"

Sweetie Belle was silent.

"NO MATTER. I'LL—"

Then, something unexpected happened.

Fluttershy crashed into a concrete bridge hanging over the road.

She didn't fall down to the ground, but it left one hell of a mark, on both her and the bridge. Rubbing her head, Fluttershy's eyes went wide.

"DON'T TELL ME SHE CAN…" she got out. Then, she looked around, and noticed Sweetie Belle was nowhere to be seen.

"SHIT," Fluttershy muttered, and took to the skies to find her again.

– – – –

Vivace was breathing heavily, lying sprawled out over what used to be about five blocks. Her whole body heaved with the motion.

Celestia leaned against Vivace's coils, pretending to pant. She found it helped the mood.

"You planning… to fuck me to death?" Vivace got out.

"Maybe," Celestia said, smiling. "I hope you have no objections to that."

"No," Vivace said, "none at all."

Celestia sauntered over to Vivace's face and rubbed her nuzzle against it. "Oh, how I love a mortal who knows their place," she purred.

Then she stopped, noticing something. She backed away from Vivace's jaw, and looked it up and down. "Wait, I could have sworn…"

She got close to it again, and measured something with her hooves. Then, she opened her wings, hopped on her nose again, and walked around frantically, looking down the whole time.

"Bu… wha…?" Celestia got out. "That's… how…?"

Vivace smiled.

– – – –

Fluttershy was on the ground, looking everywhere… manually.

She was pissed. Pretty pissed at Sweetie Belle, but mostly at herself.

Sweetie Belle was the only being in the world that could manipulate the rhythm at will. Oh, the Three could take advantage of specific parts of it, but not all of it, like she could. Sweetie Belle, even when she was almost completely untrained, was able to recode how the entire world thought of her.

And she probably had trained more since then.

Celestia had no idea how much Vivace or anyone else at Vivace Records knew about the rhythm, but it was probably best to assume the worst.

Sweetie Belle could likely hide her presence, and she could likely disrupt the Three's abilities. At the very least, she could probably send out some vague distortions to disorient them. That was likely the reason Fluttershy crashed into that bridge. According to Celestia's explanation of the rhythm, that sounded like just the kind of trick she'd be perfect at.

So, Fluttershy had only one choice.

She exhaled, extended her wings, closed her eyes, focused, and sniffed.

She tasted the air, focused her hearing, felt the wind cross over her fur, let her wings feel the tiniest pinpricks of air pressure, and sifted through the cacophony of scents that went through her nose.

Fluttershy by no means depended on her abilities to manipulate the rhythm. She had no choice—after all, animals weren't affected by it. Even before her mind snapped, she could sense the world around her like a hawk. She only appeared so nervous because she was so alert.

But after the snap? When she gained the confidence to grasp the world with her own two hooves? Her nearly omnipotent predator instincts awoke for real. She had hunted with wolves and she had hunted down wolves, using nothing but the senses every pony was born with.

Unlike the other Three, having her special abilities taken away did not leave her powerless. Not at all.

She searched her senses for the tiniest change that would suggest the presence of a person. If the city were crowded, this would have been impossible, but here, alone?

There was a chance, just a small chance…

Fluttershy's eyes shot open. She looked at a window in the distance.

She wasn't sure, but she felt a light breath come from inside.

She ran to the source.

– – – –

"You're bigger!?" Celestia yelled. "How the hell are you bigger!? After losing all that body fluid!? It's impossible. Completely impossible. Conservation of matter and all that nonsense…"

Vivace started laughing hysterically.

"Oh shut up!" Celestia yelled. She started muttering. "Calm down, Celestia. Calm down. You violate the conservation of matter. It's obviously not impossible. I'm seeing it before my very eyes. There must be something about siren biology…" Celestia started pacing, feeling like she was missing something. "Okay, sirens are like changelings, they feed on love instead of…"

Celestia's face fell.

Vivace started busting up.

"Oh medammit," Celestia grumbled, grinding her feet into Vivace's forehead. It wasn't doing much.

"You forgot… literally… the most important part… of siren biology!" Vivace got out, between giggles. Then she started laughing hysterically again.

"I was wondering why you were so okay with me fucking you to death," Celestia said, narrowing her eyes. "You knew I'd just fatten you up with my sexual energy, didn't you!?"

Celestia flew back to a particularly thick part of Vivace's body and punched it with what, to her, was medium strength. So, enough to break every bone in a dragon's body, but not quite strong enough to pulverize them into dust.

There was a light wiggling sound.

"Siren fat is some of the toughest in the magical animal kingdom, you know," Vivace said, smug. "It's magic resistant, can only be cut by diamonds, and doesn't decay for thousands of years. And if men lick it, it increases their performance tenfold." She thought. "I'm pretty sure the griffons still use it as part of their body armor, even though it makes the locker room hijinks kind of weird…"

Celestia flew in front of Vivace's face and started making ragefaces. "Just how fat are you!?"

Vivace put a claw to her chin in mock thought. "That layer you just hit there?"

"Yeah!?"

"8 feet thick."

"…….."

"…last time I checked. I was curious and wasted some of the Vivace Records money to find out. To get through the scales, we had to—"

Celestia facehoofed. "I… don't want to know," she said, her voice quavering. "Just tell me… how much did I fatten you up?"

Vivace looked back, presumably comparing landmarks. "Well, the streets were that big, and I was that big… so…" She turned to Celestia again. "I'm about 1.5 times as large now. No idea how much I weigh, though. I've been too big for any scales for the last ten thousand years…"

Celestia's horn glowed and some numbers appeared in front of her face. "You're at least a hundred thousand pounds. I have some magic to keep track of matter distribution in Equestria. It's necessary to keep this world in running order."

Vivace was silent.

Celestia started looking irritated as more numbers floated around her. "Let's see, if you weigh 100,000 pounds, and I can teleport roughly 500 pounds at a time, depending on density…"

"Wait, you can't actually teleport all of me at once!?" Vivace said, laughing. "I thought you were all-powerful and stuff!"

"If you try to teleport more than about a ton at once, there's a high risk you'll make the matter unstable and explode," Celestia grumbled. "It's a physical limitation that most mortals don't notice because it's impossible for for them to work up that much magic. Now, since your fat is magic resistant, I'm just arbitrarily assuming I can only transport 500 pounds of you at once…"

Vivace thought about it. "Nah, it's pretty tough. I'd say more like 300 pounds."

The numbers shifted. Celestia was pretty sure Vivace was bullshitting at this point, but wanted to figure out the worst-case scenario. "Okay, so according to my calculations… After I kill you, I'll need to make…" Celestia twitched. "334… round trips… to teleport your body out of here."

"Where are you planning on putting the pieces?" Vivace said, enjoying this.

Celestia was doing more math. "I'm beginning to think outer space," she grumbled. "That's probably the only way to fucking kill you. And then, that way, when your fat burns up as it falls through the atmosphere, couples can make wishes on the shooting stars and have amazing sex or something." She noticed Vivace was staring at her. "Oh, I forgot, do you know outer space is real? I think you came before that… or did you?"

Vivace kept staring. "Tell me, do you need your horn to focus magic?"

"Yeah," Celestia said, still looking down at her numbers. "Everything but the useless stuff, like walking on clouds or whatever the fuck earth ponies are good for. Why?"

Celestia then noticed a shadow, and looked up.

She was promptly flattened to a pancake by 100,000 pounds of Vivace.

Who then proceeded to come down crashing on that spot at two second intervals.

– – – –

Fluttershy briefly wondered what that loud thumping sound in the distance was, but quickly focused.

Of course, Sweetie Belle had moved as soon as she noticed Fluttershy coming. But she still had to be inside this building. Fluttershy definitely would have heard her teleport away, and the only exit she could use was the front door, which Fluttershy was next to.

Sweetie Belle was likely, like everyone, afraid to teleport within Canterlot. Good choice. Everyone thought Celestia had teleport scrambling magic applied throughout the city, but the truth was, she didn't have to. Teleporting anywhere near the castle was a nightmare anyway, because the thing didn't obey the laws of Euclidean space. Pretty much any given space in Canterlot occupied a part of the castle in another dimension. If the wavelength of their molecules shifted a little bit, they'd probably find themselves in the Royal Swimming Pool.

So, for now, Fluttershy could be assured Sweetie Belle would stay in roughly the same place.

She stalked around the building. It was some rich person's house—likely one of the few remaining ones after Vivace's mess.

The floors were black and white checkered marble. The walls were gray with a hint of blue. Complicated insets adorned them. The ceilings were raised, and a chandelier hung from the domed roof. Everything looked aged, though, as if the house had been uninhabited for quite a long time.

Considering Celestia was responsible for most of the building design, Fluttershy wondered if something was up with that.

Then, she heard something, and focused. A light tap had come from the second floor. Slowly, Fluttershy extended her wings and hovered up the stairs. It was more difficult to move precisely like that, but for climbing stairs? She would be unnoticeable to anyone but a pegasus that way.

Once at the top, she landed, and lightly approached the door she thought she heard the sound from.

As she suspected, she heard some subtle breathing inside.

Fluttershy had considered plugging her ears, but was beginning to be glad she hadn't. It was likely Sweetie Belle's ability to disorient her was done through song—light humming, perhaps—but Fluttershy's hearing was the one sense she was very dependent on.

It could make her vulnerable, though.

So, quickly, powerfully, Fluttershy tackled the door, burst it open, and rapidly looked around.

In seconds, she heard something, felt dizzy, and was immediately assaulted by searing hot water.

She recoiled, and attempted to dodge, but it continued to spray her. She squinted one of her eyes open, and saw Sweetie Belle's magic aura around a showerhead, but as soon as she noticed, Sweetie Belle jammed the showerhead down Fluttershy's throat. In the split-second Fluttershy winced from her entire mouth being flooded with boiling hot water, Sweetie Belle grabbed a nail clipper, rushed Fluttershy, and stabbed deep into the nerves of her right wing.

Fluttershy let out a gurgle, but before she could react usefully, Sweetie Belle roundhouse kicked her into a wall, grabbed a vase, and bashed Fluttershy over the head with it.

Fluttershy briefly slumped, but this wasn't enough to take her down. Sweetie Belle couldn't maintain her rhythm disruption through all this, so Fluttershy could focus now. She managed to spit out the showerhead, briefly spraying Sweetie Belle with the searing water as it spun around on the floor, and while Sweetie Belle was distracted, Fluttershy lunged and pinned her to the ground.

Fluttershy panted, her wings erect—although she cringed as her right wing refused to bend right. "OH YEAH," she said, her voice sounding noticeably raspier, "DO IT ROUGH, LIKE ANGEL BUNNY."

Fluttershy had intended for this to make Sweetie Belle hesitate in disgust, but as soon as she saw the look in her eyes, she realized what a mistake that was. Sweetie Belle immediately headbutted Fluttershy in sheer rage and pinned her to the floor.

Sweetie Belle also panted, mostly from the physical exertion. "You're a sick depraved bastard, you know that?" she got out.

Fluttershy ignored that. "SINCE WHEN WERE YOU SO NIMBLE?"

Sweetie Belle scoffed. "You seen my stage choreography?" she said. "Not to mention, we anticipated having to deal with you. Vivace taught me martial arts the entire time I was working with her."

Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. "HOW? SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE LEGS."

Sweetie Belle grimaced. "Let's just say I can successfully choke-hold you with my tail," she said, "but it would probably just get you off." Then, she narrowed her eyes, and put her face close to Fluttershy's. "Besides, Crescendo helped."

Fluttershy cracked a smile. "SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT… YOU LEARNED KARATE FROM A CRIPPLE AND A FISH?"

Sweetie Belle glared at her, then used her magic to turn the showerhead towards Fluttershy's now bad wing. Even Fluttershy winced in pain.

"I can fight you in this pitch black bathroom," Sweetie Belle seethed. "I think it worked out good enough."

Fluttershy got out a laugh. "CAN'T ARGUE THERE," she said. "MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THE NEXT MEMBER OF THE THREE."

Sweetie Belle was silent. "If I'm going to go through hell," she said, slowly, "I'm certainly not going to do it for Celestia's sake."

"BUT YOU WOULD FOR THAT FISH?"

Sweetie Belle got close to Fluttershy's face again. "I'm doing this," she said, "for Scootaloo."

Fluttershy tried to take advantage of the moment to kiss Sweetie Belle and distract her, but that scene had ran its course in too many of Sweetie Belle's nightmares to work. Sweetie Belle, out of reflex, jammed her horn down Fluttershy's mouth and blasted paralysis magic through her body.

Sweetie Belle quickly backed away, shaken. She started laughing nervously when she realized she had successfully paralyzed Fluttershy. "Word of advice," she said, "don't give unicorns access to your orifices during a fight."

Fluttershy twitched slightly and wheezed, having difficulty breathing when her throat was paralyzed the hardest.

Sweetie Belle walked over and tapped Fluttershy's bad wing, just to be sure. Fluttershy did nothing more than gurgle a bit. "You'll be out of action for a couple hours, at least," she said. "If you get a strong enough shock, you'll snap out of it, though. I'm not going to risk trying to kill you—I'm sure I'm pushing my luck enough as it is. But…"

She stomped on Fluttershy's wing a few times, breaking the joints, then grabbed a vase with magic and slammed it on top of it.

Fluttershy gasped and made a few laborered breaths, but not before Sweetie Belle did the same thing to the other wing.

Fluttershy was now breathing heavily, her throat less paralyzed but still unable to move.

Sweetie Belle looked down at her. "…that should… weaken you a bit."

Fluttershy desperately tried to speak. "…H… HOW…?"

Sweetie Belle smiled grimly. "All the unicorns at Vivace Records are taught that trick to resist sexual assault. Jam your horn into their throat, you have access to their entire nervous system," she said. "I'm sure Celestia never teaches you that trick, though. According to her, there is no such thing as sexual assault, is there?"

Fluttershy was silent. "Y… YOU'LL… NEV—"

"Never make it into the castle?" Sweetie Belle said. "Well, not through the front door I won't. But I never planned on getting in the castle through the front door. I just ran that way to throw you off track—and to keep an eye on you. Plus, I needed to make sure a certain thing would work."

Fluttershy's eyes widened as much as they could.

Sweetie Belle stepped back and looked around. "I've always heard Canterlot Castle's bigger on the inside than the outside," she said. "We're pretty close to the castle, so that means in some fold of space, there's probably a room of the castle right here, isn't there?"

Fluttershy was silent.

"Right after I teleported into her throat by accident, Vivace told me that's why teleporting in Canterlot is so hard, and why so many people, when they try, end up in some random part of the castle," Sweetie Belle said. "And the way she described space folding to me… all I have to do is teleport to the same place I'm standing now, and suddenly I'm pretty deep in the castle, right?"

Fluttershy almost blinked.

Sweetie Belle laughed ruefully. "Of course, it's pretty risky. Maybe I'll end up teleporting halfway into a wall or something," she said. "But this has been an all or nothing gamble from the very beginning, and I'm sure finding you or Celestia this distracted is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."

Fluttershy was silent for a bit, then opened her mouth again. "…TRY IT."

Sweetie Belle looked surprised. "What?"

"YOU… WON."

Sweetie Belle was silent. "And here I was thinking you were going to try to distract me by saying something disturbing," she said. "Thanks, I guess. If you stop raping small animals, I might even apologize for breaking your wings."

Fluttershy let out a laugh.

Sweetie Belle glared, and then looked ahead. "I have no idea how my life turned out like this." She then focused lit up her horn, and disappeared. It wasn't like a normal teleport, though—instead, the world around her seem to fold like origami and suck her in.

Fluttershy looked vacantly ahead.

"IT'S IN… YOUR BLOOD."

– – – –

Half an hour later, Celestia finally managed to crawl out from under Vivace's body slams.

She immediately screamed and tied Vivace's body to the ground with magic rope that enveloped her within seconds. She didn't use paralysis magic because she wanted Vivace to be able to talk.

Vivace smiled. "You know, I keep trying these things just for the hell of it, and I keep expecting them to not work, but then you keep falling for them, over and over again," she said. "Why didn't you just Royal Laser Beam my heart from down there?"

Celestia was breathing heavily, clearly pissed. "I… don't… know!"

"Do you even know where my heart is?" Vivace purred. "Well, it's probably best for me to not tell you. If you have to guess, maybe I can drag this on a little longer. Who knows where Sweetie Belle could have gotten to by now?"

Celestia twitched.

"But you can probably see how bad of an idea it would be to go after her and leave me alone, right?" Vivace said. "If I'm alone, there's nothing stopping me from, say, going into the castle and fucking everything I can see." She smiled. "If I'm already a pain in the ass to deal with, imagine trying to deal with me in all those space folds. Not to mention, I'm sure you've got some things in the dungeon that could fatten me up just as much as you. I wonder what would happen if I grew so big I made the castle burst?"

Celestia blanched. "You're monologuing."

"Yes, and it's amazing just how little of this situation that changes, isn't it?" Vivace said. "You've screwed up so bad that even knowing my complete plan isn't going to help you. Not to mention, Sweetie Belle has a plan too, although that mostly consists of being more competent than you probably give her credit for. Face it: your only option is to kill me as fast as possible and go after Sweetie Belle. And considering what you know of siren biology, I think she's got quite a bit of time. I can only hope you have some kind of castle-wide tracking system to find her. If you had to manually search the place, that'd be pretty funny."

Celestia seemed to make a composed decision to not address that. "You're right," she said, cringing. "It's time for me to get serious." She smiled. "You probably should have just shut up, though."

Vivace frowned. "I can only base my plan on you being an idiot for so long, Celestia," she said. "If the other shoe's going to drop, I might as well control when."

Celestia smirked. "It's a shame, you know," she said. "I don't think I've had a mortal set me back this much since Obama. If you were on my side, you would make an excellent addition to the game."

Vivace lidded her eyes slyly. "Why don't you make me immortal and find out?"

Celestia considered it for about half a second. "No. You're too fat, for one. You can't lose or gain weight when you're immortal," she said. "Plus, it's risky enough when you do it to non-female ponies. Just look at what happened to Starswirl. He became Discord. I couldn't even keep it hidden… what an embarrassment."

Vivace just about did a spit take. "Wait, Discord is Starswirl!?"

Celestia blinked. "Yes, but of course, it's not recorded in any of the history books. …I guess you came after that, then?" she said. She looked vaguely disappointed. "And here I was thinking you knew everything."

Vivace looked worried. "So did I."

Then Celestia got a sinking feeling. "How old are you, exactly?"

Vivace also got a sinking feeling. "We're… about the same age, right? 100,000 years? I witnessed you come to power, after all."

Celestia froze.

Then, she twitched, a small smile coming to her face. Then, she laughed hysterically for minutes, her voice echoing off the mountains.

When Celestia finally made eye contact with Vivace again, Vivace finally got a full taste of Celestia at her most sadistic and aroused. "Oh have I got news for you," she purred. "You know about what we call the game, right? Well, it didn't start when you think it did. You see, I'm not even…"

– – – –

After teleporting, Sweetie Belle immediately found herself submerged in water. Her first instinct was that she accidentally teleported into Vivace's throat again, but she quickly realized that wasn't the case—she could actually see, for one.

And there were fish.

Who were quickly advancing on her.

Sweetie Belle tried to get away, but was too slow. Then, she realized they weren't trying to attack her—they were pushing her to the surface.

In a few seconds, she was able to raise her head and gasp for air. And then, a hoof reached out and helped her to land.

It was a much more welcome greeting than she was expecting for infiltrating Canterlot Castle, that was for sure.

She looked at who it helped her to the surface. It was a female zebra. "Thanks," Sweetie Belle got out.

"No problem," the zebra replied.

Sweetie Belle looked around, trying to get her bearings. She appeared to be in some type of garden, filled with all kinds of animals, plants, and individuals of different species frolicking around with both. She looked at the water she came from—half of the room was devoted to a large swimming pool, and was filled with different types of fish and sealife. She saw that the two fish that had rescued her were dolphins, and behind them, she could've sworn she saw a small siren… and seapony.

There was definitely a giant squid in there, though.

"Where am I?" Sweetie Belle said. "I'm in Canterlot Castle, right?"

"That's right."

Sweetie Belle looked up. "Is this the Royal Arboretum or something?

"It's the Royal Harem, sweetie."

Sweetie Belle looked confused. "Then what's with all the animals and…?" Realization dawned. She noticed that the people were doing quite a bit more than frolicking. "Oh. Oh."

The zebra gave Sweetie Belle a moment. "Your ruler has quite… varied tastes."

Sweetie Belle stared at the dolphins. "…dolphins?"

"I believe you're familiar with that type of attraction."

Sweetie Belle blushed. "How do you—?"

"We know who you are, Sweetie Belle," the zebra said. "The tabloids made sure of that."

Sweetie Belle was embarrassed, but continued. "Then do you know why I'm here?"

The zebra shrugged. "Not really," she said. "But if you want to unwind, you can. Anyone who ends up in this room automatically becomes part of the—"

Sweetie Belle had a feeling she didn't want to hear the end of that sentence. "Listen," she said, "I need to find an orange filly. The fifth immortal. Celestia tried to erase her memory, and she's probably got her somewhere in this castle. Do you know where that would be?"

"Probably somewhere in the dungeon."

"Thanks," Sweetie Belle said, and then realized who spoke. She turned to the water.

"'Sup," one of the dolphins said.

"You talk!?" Sweetie Belle yelled.

"Celestia's genetics experiments, baby," the other said, far too smoothly. "You only hear about the failures, so no one knows how good she is at it."

"Most of us have been… enhanced in some way or another," the zebra said, looking aside. "Usually just an increased libido, to make sure we can match up with the Princess and stand out like a sore thumb if we try to escape to the outside world." The zebra looked a bit proud. "Some, like me, though, are completely artificial lifeforms."

Sweetie Belle just about had a heart attack. "What!?"

The zebra laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not a robot or anything," she said. "I was just grown in a fake embryo, like the batponies. Completely customized to Celestia's whims. Quite a few of her creations don't even know about it, but there's a way you can tell. You see, they always move sort of off, like—"

"Why are you telling me this?" Sweetie Belle said, getting uncomfortable. "Isn't Celestia going to… get mad?"

The zebra shook her head. "We have one duty," she said. "To fuck her. The other laws don't apply to us." She smiled, disturbingly like Celestia. "And like Celestia… we want to keep things interesting."

Sweetie Belle shuddered. "So… you'll help me?"

The dolphin nodded. "Yeah, I'll tell you how to get to the dungeon, and where she probably has that filly trapped," he said. He then seemed to wink at her. "But there's a price."

Sweetie Belle looked down, and her face sank.

"Come on," the zebra said, patting her on the shoulder a little too tenderly. "It'll be fun!"

Coming from a being that was likely engineered specifically to be kinky, that did not comfort Sweetie Belle. "…I'm gay?"

The other dolphin eyed her. "Who said anything about it just being him?" she purred.

Sweetie Belle facehoofed. "Why does it always comes down to this…?" she grumbled.

– – – –

"…and that's the secret of life, the universe, and everything," Celestia said, pacing around dramatically.

Vivace could do nothing but gape.

"So, you see," Celestia said, "anytime anyone even tries to pin my age at a specific number, I know they're full of shit. I don't even know."

Vivace's eyes were wide, and she was struggling to speak. "That… that can't be…"

Celestia flew close to Vivace's eye. "Oh, it can," she said. "What you witnessed is far beyond what most mortals have, but you don't even know the half of it. I've watched civilizations fall, countries implode, millions die. The only reason I was disgusted by your antics was the extra work I had to go through to clean them up. And even everything you did today, one of the best mortal attacks on me in recent memory, served nothing but to irritate me."

"It seemed… to do more than that."

Celestia shrugged. "I miscalculated how much damage you could do, but really, think about it. How much of anything you've done today is going to impact me for the rest of my life? It will probably take me about a week to dispose of your body, but after that? I'll probably just forget about it like another Tuesday."

"If we get Scootaloo back… you won't."

Celestia glared. "You're right," she said. "But don't worry, like you said, I have a foolproof way to kill you—one that I know your siren biology won't screw with, and one that will make your body a little easier to dispose of as well."

Celestia's horn glew, Vivace's body glew, and Vivace gasped. Her body started gyrating under her restraints, shivering as she had trouble speaking.

"Wha…?"

"Infinite orgasm spell," Celestia said, smiling. "It usually kills ponies in half an hour, but with you, who knows? It may take a week. It should thin you up a bit, and, as you so brilliantly suggested, give me more of your fluid to sell for a ridiculous profit. Although, of course, as you can imagine, 'profit' has no real meaning to me anymore. For me, the 'profit' will be in laughing at people actually drinking the stuff."

Vivace tried to glare, but not before another wave of pleasure overtook her.

"And the best part of this is the you can't plan anymore. In an hour, you'll be completely incapable of coherent thought. I guarantee it. And won't that be fun?"

Celestia's horn lit up again, and there was a shimmer around the borders of the city. "I'm not even going to bother to undo your restraints, because I'm sure you're going to burst out of them. When you do, feel free to destroy the city. I'm going to have to make a new one anyway, so why not go all the way? Go on, rape every building, leave your mark on every square inch. I encourage you. I even put a force field around everything, so don't need to hold back one bit. Go on, become the animal you are, Vivace. You wanted to do this, remember?"

Vivace tried to lunge for Celestia, but not before Celestia smiled once more and teleported away.

– – – –

As Sweetie Belle dived into an encyclopedia, it occurred to her that she had never actually had sex with a pony.

That depressed her a bit.

She had to admit, fish weren't bad, but she was still going to die technically a virgin.

Unless Celestia… did stuff to her before she killed her.

She hoped that didn't happen.

She tapped a combination into a picture of a keypad drawn with a felt tip pen on a curtain made of discarded Donut Joe's napkins. She had to admit, so far, the dolphin's instructions seemed to be legit. While she did wish he had used a different body part to demonstrate the specifics, she had to admit, it made everything easy to remember.

Then, she ran through the curtains, finding herself at a large, dark spiral staircase descending downwards. She jumped down the center, slowing her movement with telepathy at the bottom, to land safely.

She was at a large set of double doors.

The dungeon.

This is where the dolphin's instructions sort of ended. You see, not many people try to get into Celestia's dungeons. Even the most dedicated rebellion groups gave up their members for dead if they ended up there.

So, security was pretty light. The entrance didn't even have a lock. Sweetie Belle pushed open the door, not even using magic, and was greeted with a scene that looked disturbingly like the traditional depictions of Tartarus.

There appeared to be no ceiling or walls. Just blackness. All there was were pieces of floor that appeared to be floating, occasionally splintering off into torture exhibits. It was hypothetically possible to see the entire dungeon complex at once, and boy was it big. What Sweetie Belle could see stretched at least as big as Vivace's tank, and when she looked down she realized this was only the top of 50 floors.

Sweetie Belle gulped. She didn't know if there was any way she could search all this before Celestia found her. And even if she did, she had no idea how she would get out.

After testing to make sure her magic still worked—it seemed like Celestia to disable it here—she jumped down to the floor below this one, then the floor below that one, and so on.

If Scootaloo was "deep in the castle," as everyone suggested, it seemed likely she was at the bottom of the dungeon, not the top. It was a whim, but plausible enough that it at least made sense to search from bottom to top instead of vice versa.

The only downside was, as Sweetie Belle jumped down the levels, the torture exhibits became more and more grotesque.

There were ponies with their innards being eaten by birds, clearly not completely immortal, but being kept alive somehow. There was a pony who did nothing but roll a giant boulder up a slope with someone else watching him. There was something happening with ants. And that was just the ponies. Individuals of every species were locked up here, and some were mutilated enough they didn't resemble anything in particular. What seemed to be failed crossbreeding experiments ran rampant. Bizarre crosses between griffons, dragons, and timberwolves ran between the displays. Demented combinations of humans and ponies walked around naked. One said "kill me" repeatedly, the other one just appeared to be horny.

There might have been a connection between those two events.

In the distance, on one floor, Sweetie Belle could have sworn she saw three sirens, much smaller than Vivace, but clearly fattened up. She almost wanted to meet them, but knew she didn't have the time. She jumped down to the next floor.

What disturbed Sweetie Belle more than the displays, to be honest, was how disturbed she wasn't at seeing them. She had heard over and over again that seeing the dungeons was enough to drive a pony insane, but here she was, just casually traversing every single level. She was almost surprised at how tame some of the exhibits were.

Someone tied to a wall with their only sustenance small dog bowls of water just out of reach? Rarity did that. Someone strapped to a surgical table with needles sticking out of their skin everywhere? Diamond Tiara did that. Someone getting molested by fish? For Sweetie Belle, that was literally five minutes ago, and occupied little more of her mind than a mild inconvenience.

Just how far gone was she if the largest torture facility in the entire world left her completely unfazed?

On one hoof, it seemed like Equestrian society was contrived from the very beginning to prepare her for this moment. Why else would learning about dungeons be required in school, after all? But on the other hoof, she took the final step herself. The teachers said everything wrong with the world was normal, but not everyone bought into that. For most ponies, it just scared them into not getting on Celestia's bad side. The most depraved students, like Diamond Tiara, were only trying to follow Celestia's example—likely also out of fear. But only Sweetie Belle was actually beginning to take what she was taught at face value.

The torture of the world was starting to seem genuinely normal to her.

For the first time, of her own volition, Sweetie Belle wondered…

Was she a demon?

Something seemed to snap in her mind, the world seemed to shift, and the thing she knew, she was on the bottom floor of the dungeon.

This was the only floor in which there were no visible exhibits. Only rooms. Locked down rooms.

Presumably, where Celestia keeps the prisoners she wants to make extra sure don't escape.

There was one prominent looking one in the center, with a nervous looking guard pony in front. He kept trying to massage his stomach.

Good as place to start as any.

Sweetie Belle walked over to him, oddly slowly. She felt as if her body was a puppet controlled by strings. For some reason, she suddenly felt overwhelming confidence. It felt possible to do anything. She made eye contact with the guard, focusing slightly, and he began to cower.

Sweetie Belle said to open the door.

The guard seemed to have to physically resist obeying. He was mumbling something to herself. "Celestia Celestia Celestia Celestia Celestia Celestia Celestia Celestia Celestia Celestia Celestia…"

Sweetie Belle sauntered closer. She said, again, to open the door.

The guard winced, and let out a noise. "CelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestiaCelestia!"

And then, Sweetie Belle felt it. A pressure she had never felt before, but now seemed so obvious.

She turned around, and saw that Celestia was right behind her.

"Checkmate," Celestia said.

Sweetie Belle stood her ground. "What took you so long?" she said.

"Just having some fun with your friend, Vivace," she said, circling Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle circled Celestia in the opposite direction, almost bumping into her. "I guess we were in over our heads after all."

"That's right," Celestia said. She decided not to mention the fact that Vivace's body slams had bought Sweetie Belle exactly the amount of time she needed to get down here, Sweetie Belle was directly outside the room housing Scootaloo, and that once inside, she could have disabled the magic on Scootaloo by making a small crack in the magic rune on the floor. "You did the best job you could."

"It was an all or nothing gamble," Sweetie Belle said. "I don't have any regrets."

Celestia smiled. "I appreciate that," she said, "and I'll reward you for it."

"Will you spare my life?"

Celestia scoffed. "Oh no," she said, "you're much too dangerous." She looked down at Sweetie Belle. "But before you die, I'll tell you the answers to all the questions you've had through your life."

With a flash, both of them teleported away.

The guard collapsed, breathing heavily.

– – – –

Celestia and Sweetie Belle both appeared in a steampunk-y looking laboratory, with boiling chemicals and body parts everywhere. Behind Celestia were large tanks, with what appeared to be fetuses inside.

"First of all," Celestia said, "the reason you're so comfortable with torture, so able to predict me, and so disconnected from the rhythm is that you are technically my great-granddaughter."

Sweetie Belle's confidence pretty much went out the window when she just about did a spit take.

Celestia looked at the tanks behind her. "Alicorns are sterile, but anyone can make artificial lifeforms with magic," she said. "Some unicorns have even stumbled on how to do it accidentally." She smiled. "You can imagine what I've done with them."

Sweetie Belle blinked, as she thought back. "Wait… does that mean…?"

"You catch on quick," Celestia said. "Remember how your family tree appeared to start from nowhere, from a pony that seemed to have no other interest than fucking anything that moved?"

Sweetie Belle's face fell. "My family… started from one of your escaped harem members, didn't it?"

Celestia clopped her hooves. "That's right!" she said. "Good old Cock McBigBalls. Although it sounds like he made up some different names for his adventures outside."

"Mike Hunt," Sweetie Belle said, staring blankly, finally getting the joke. "That's the name he gave my great-grandmother. Mike Hunt."

"Oh, good one," Celestia said. "I see I taught him well." She started pacing. "Anyway, artificial lifeforms interact pretty strangely with the rhythm, which is why everyone in your family seems to have a curse. They just move in a way that unconsciously arouses everyone else's suspicion. That's also why the curses seem to get more mild with each generation—every time natural ponies get mixed into your gene pool, those side effects get more mild. It would probably take at least 10 generations to make them unnoticeable, though."

"So that's why Rarity was so kinky," Sweetie Belle said, deadpan. "She was descended from a sex robot."

"Speak for yourself," Celestia said, smirking. "If you didn't have that blood in your veins, do you think you would have keep up with Vivace so well, and been so okay with what you did with those dolphins earlier?" She looked to the side. "Not to mention, it's hard to avoid putting a bit of yourself into your lifeforms. I'd like to think the quick planning that got you here came from me as well."

Sweetie Belle didn't really want to think about that. "You and Vivace keep mentioning this 'rhythm,'" she said. "What is that?"

Celestia's wings splayed. "I'm glad you asked."

– – – –

The next thing Sweetie Belle knew, they had teleported to the top of a cliff facing the ocean.

Sweetie Belle shivered as the wind buffeted her. "What does this have to do with the rhythm?" she yelled.

Celestia, as usual, looked completely unfazed. "It will show you one of the reasons why it's necessary, and why it works," she said. "Turn around."

Sweetie Belle did as she was told, expecting to see more ocean. But instead, she came face-to-face with…

…sky.

"What?" Sweetie Belle said, looking back and forth. "But… that's…"

"Welcome to the edge of the world," Celestia said, and then took a step through the sky and disappeared.

Sweetie Belle hesitated, but after a second, she followed her, and nervously took a step through herself.

On the other side, she was greeted with the most hellish looking landscape she had seen. She was right—compared to this, the dungeon was tame. The sky burned with glowing yellow clouds sending lightning out at random times. And the landscape? It was clearly made out of rubble. Sweetie Belle could clearly make out the edges of buildings, pieces of objects. This was a place people once lived—decimated. Even though nothing living was visible here, it was clear that whatever used to exist in this world had suffered some of the worst fates in creation.

"Welcome," Celestia said, "to the real world."

Sweetie Belle looked behind her, and saw the edge of Equestria's sky again. She looked up.

It was a dome. And not a terribly big one, if she could see the edges of it even from here.

"What you know of as Equestria is an artificial environment I designed to protect you from this," Celestia said, gesturing. "It's a glorified bomb shelter, basically. And I have complete control over every variable inside. I can decide everything from the weather to the exact colors on a small portion of the horizon. Night and day change when I switch a picture on the dome's surface. The exact makeup of the atmosphere is up to me too—I could flood every drop of air with poison if I wanted."

"What does this have to do with the rhythm?" Sweetie Belle asked, gaping.

"Didn't you hear me? I have control over every variable inside," Celestia said, smiling. "Including the minds of everyone inside that thing."

Sweetie Belle's eyes widened. "Then the rhythm is—!?"

"That's right," Celestia said. "The rhythm is just the mind control magic I have wrapped around that entire world. And magic, you see, leaves a lot of fingerprints. Long-running, automatic magic like that in particular can be quite imperfect. It usually doesn't operate continuously—it wanes in and out slightly, at the beat of the brain energy of the caster."

Sweetie Belle swallowed. "Then what we call the rhythm is actually… your brain waves."

"My brain waves when I originally cast the spell, but basically, yes."

The two were silent.

"Now, artificial life forms and partial artificial lifeforms, like you, throw off the mind control magic," Celestia said. "Why? I don't quite know. Maybe it sees that you have some of me in you and skips over your mind. Maybe lifeforms made artificially don't have souls or something. I don't know. But regardless, you're not controlled by the mind control magic. And when everyone else is controlled by mind control magic, what do you think happens?"

"Because the mind control magic wanes according to your brain waves, they are all moving to a 'rhythm,'" Sweetie Belle said. "But I'm not."

"Exactly," Celestia said. "On a microsecond level, you move slightly differently than everyone else in the world. Since you, and you alone have free will, there's no order to your movements. On an unconscious level, they see that you don't follow what, to them, are unbreakable laws of the universe. So what happens?"

Sweetie Belle looked down. "They start making random guesses as to what's wrong with me," she said. "Like that I'm a demon. Or robot."

"Yes. At least, that's what happened for a while," Celestia said. "But then you ran into Vivace. She didn't know the details, but she knew that, for some reason, ponies operated on a rhythm. Any siren would, with their hypersensitivity to music—that's why I eliminated most of them."

Sweetie Belle cringed.

Celestia continued. "The only reason people thought you were a demon was that you were off from rhythm in a very unstructured way. It turns out, though, if you break from the rhythm in a more structured way, you can manipulate how other people perceive you. It's a pretty big hole in my system, but it's proven interesting enough that I've kept it in."

"That's what the Three do, isn't it?" Sweetie Belle said, looking bitter.

Celestia nodded. "The Three, or whatever number it turns out to be, are ponies that have gone insane in a specific enough way to make them conscious of the rhythm," she said. "They may not realize the true nature of it. They may fit it to their own personal worldview. But regardless, they grasp something about it accurately enough that they can alter their movements to take advantage of it. And so, in the one area they've grasped, they are free, and can manipulate others to their whims."

"But just that one area," Sweetie Belle said.

"That's right," Celestia said. "Even the Three are slightly influenced by the rhythm. They can't screw with those parts. They can't even perceive them. You can, because you aren't influenced by the rhythm at all. You are the only mortal that is completely immune to my mind control magic. And thus, you are the only mortal that can take advantage of it in any arbitrary way."

"Is that how I made everyone think I was normal?"

"Yes. That was a particularly impressive display," Celestia said. "I was surprised—you not only took advantage of the rhythm, but changed it slightly. You didn't change the way you moved to be more 'normal,' like the Three would have. You changed the entire world's definition of 'normal' to be the way you moved."

Sweetie Belle's eyes widened. "I had that much power?"

"You could have done much more than that," Celestia said. "If you had mastered your powers, nearly every mind in Equestria would have been under your control. You could have made ponies see things that weren't there, ignore things that weren't, and dance to your whims. You could have been the biggest mortal threat to my country the world has ever seen."

"Then why didn't you eliminate me then!?"

Celestia smiled. "Can't you guess?" she said. "Because it was interesting."

Sweetie Belle froze.

"You're right, you know," Celestia said. "It was a mistake to let you live then. And that's why we're here now. Because I respect that you were able to take advantage of my mistake so thoroughly."

"But I got nowhere close to what you were describing…"

"No one has gotten that close," Celestia said. "You got as close as you could. And with an impressively low body count, too." She looked out to the hellscape. "You're more efficient than me, I can say that much."

Sweetie Belle paused. She blinked, wondering if that meant what she thought it did. "What?"

Celestia looked over to Sweetie Belle and laughed sheepishly. "Yeah, all this carnage? Me." She looked out to it as if she were fondly reminiscing. "Luna was pissed, I remember that much. I really thought we were—"

It was rare a mortal could make Celestia worried from their mere facial expression.

This was one of those times.

"You destroyed this world," Sweetie Belle seethed, her horn glowing, lightning gathering around her, "and then made a fake one just to toy with us?"

"Wait, it's not quite as simple as that," Celestia got out. "You see, Luna also—"

And then, something unusual happened.

Celestia got disoriented, and in that split second, Sweetie Belle teleported. The increased magic in the air made the sparks fly everywhere, and for another split second, Celestia wondered where she could have possibly gone.

Then, she stopped wondering.

Celestia gurgled, and coughed up blood as Sweetie Belle kicked as hard as she could in from inside her stomach. She hit everything she could, and seemed to be firing off every spell she could think of. Celestia was reduced to a withering mess on the ground, her torso bursting and tearing before instantly healing again, spraying out infinite blood, shocks of paralysis and flame magic making her shake.

After a minute, Sweetie Belle stopped moving, and Celestia was finally able to focus. She concentrated, and teleported Sweetie Belle outside of her body.

Sweetie Belle looked like shit. Half of her body was burned, and the other half was coated in blood. You could see to her bones in places. The stomach acid must've done a real number on her.

She wheezed.

Celestia panted, for real this time. She didn't need to ask why Sweetie Belle attacked her. It was revenge. Revenge for all the mortals she had killed. Revenge for all the lives she had ruined. Every kick was one of her victims getting a strike back.

She deserved it.

She knew that. And telling a being as powerful as Sweetie Belle the truth… was another mistake. She really did have some of Celestia's blood in her—Celestia was convinced of that now.

There was one thing Celestia needed to know, though. "You… stunned… me," she got out. "How?"

Sweetie Belle clearly only had a few words left in her. She looked up, and her eyes seemed to shine.

"If… the rhythm's… you… then why… is there one… out here?"

Celestia tried to think about what that meant. Then, her eyes widened.

Was she under the influence of someone else's mind control? One that Sweetie Belle was able to see through, and use?

It was hopeless to ask. Celestia tried to scan her mind, but her internals were still mangled enough to prevent her from focusing enough. Resigned to it not working, she laid back, and tried to focus on healing.

Celestia turned her head, looked out at the hellscape, and for the first time noticed…

The lightning strikes weren't random.

It was the first time for a very long time Celestia found herself terrified.

– – – –

Fluttershy laid back in the fancy bathroom. The water had turned off on the showerhead, and the paralysis had passed, but that didn't help too much. She still had two giant vases crushing her already broken wings, pinning her to the ground. Even if she wanted to, it would take all her strength to get up, and would probably entail ripping her wings off. And she didn't want to. She liked her wings.

Just as she started wiggling around, in an attempt to at least make one of the vases tip over, she heard a sound.

It was like a key against metal.

Fluttershy's eyes narrowed. She had never heard that sound herself, but she had read the reports. Rumor had it it was connected to some time traveler.

There was a glowing right in front of her, and slowly, a tall blue box that vaguely looked like a phone booth materialized. Once it was done, it made a thudding sound, and a couple seconds later, the front door of it slammed open.

Ditzy came out, took one look at Fluttershy, and let out one huge sign of relief.

"Thank Luna," she said. "You're restrained."

– – – –

The guard shivered in front of Scootaloo's room. A few times, the creatures of the dungeon would stalk past him, and ignore him, but other than that, not much appeared to be happening.

He wasn't sure how long it had been. He didn't appear to be getting hungry. And his injuries seemed to be gradually healing on their own.

After a few more minutes, he decided that finally, he was alone. He raised a hoof to his ear, tapped it, and waited a few seconds.

"Hello… Corvorum Crepusculum? It's me, Agent 86. Something unexpected happened. I was… promoted. Somehow. I'm stationed in the dungeons now. Celestia has me guarding… an orange filly. I think she's… immortal."

There was some chatter on the other end, and then the guard continued. "No… I don't think that's necessary. She said in a year I could take her out and do 'whatever I wanted with her,' as long as I kept her in the castle. Does that… sound acceptable?"

The other end was silent, seemingly in disbelief. Then they spoke briefly. "Okay. Will do. See you in a year."

The guard then hung up, and looked forward, silent.

Luna's Secret

"Dammit! Dammit! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!"

Derpy kicked a rock. It went through three trees and made a large gash in the canyon wall behind.

"I can't believe that bastard kicked me out!"

A small rabbit looked on in fear. Derpy walked over, crushed it with her hoof, and tore its head off with her teeth.

"Time to find out when I am."

Derpy removed her disguise and started her long walk home, wherever that was in this variation.

– – – –

Luna's room, like Celestia's, was big. Length and width-wise, it was bigger than most ponies' houses, and vertically, it was at least 10 useless stories tall. It had been years since even Luna had flown up to the top—she was sure there was probably a bunch of useless crap on the rafters. (Rafters were, of course, completely unnecessary in the eldritch construction methods of the castle, but the royal sisters found they improved the ambiance considerably.)

The room was also round, and filled with an equally large and round bed. It, to be honest, did not look like something one would sleep on. It looked like the type of thing one would host parties on. After all, it was unlikely that one person, even an immortal, would need 25 pillows to sleep.

In a corner, there were a couple human devices—a videogame console connected to a television—with an elaborate magic rune drawn below it. Usually, no one noticed it, but when alone, Luna enjoyed playing the demented games humans would come up with.

Apparently most of the humans thought she played a bunch of first person shooters or something, but in reality, she found what they called "dating sims" to be the ultimate guilty pleasure. What humans considered to be a healthy relationship fascinated her, especially considering how they acted in Equestria.

None of this, however, appeared to have been used recently. That was because Luna had just returned from a week long diplomatic mission—which mostly consisted of her apologizing to all the other countries for Celestia screwing them over in various ways.

She had managed to convince a few people that once you really got to know her, Celestia wasn't so bad, so that went better than usual. And her usual "if you don't make a deal with me, you'll have to deal with Celestia, or worse, The Donald" worked wonders, of course.

But there were some downsides to diplomacy. Namely, it left Celestia alone with Equestria, and Luna having to catch up on what nightmarish bullshit Celestia caused this time.

And boy was it weird this time.

There were two big headlines: "Celestia Tells Pop Star Sweetie Belle Secrets of the Universe, Kills Her" and "Giant Fish Rapes Canterlot."

Followed by a full-page ad for "Siren juice," whatever the hell that was.

Luna sighed, and set down the newspaper. "Looks like today's going to be a long day," she said, looking out the window to the sun. She looked to a batpony guard, the only other person in the room. "I can tell why you didn't want to break the news to me yourself."

"The fact that I do not understand the news played a large role in that, sir!" the batpony, π/2, said in a heavily regimented and overly loud voice. "I heard the thuds and tried to mind my own business, sir!"

"That's fine," Luna said, getting up from the pillow she was straddling. "It probably would have been a bad idea for you to be near a siren that powerful anyway." Luna thought. "I still can't believe Vivace's a person—er, siren."

"Does this have any impact on our mission, sir!?"

Luna winced slightly. "No," she said. "For one, our mission is to stay under the radar. For two, it's too late to help her."

"What about Sweetie Belle, sir!?"

Luna shook her head. "I can't think about her," she said. "I talked to her for all of a minute and she almost blew our cover. She must've known something important about all this. But now… she's either dead or in the dungeons, and I can't do anything about that."

π/2 hesitated. "So… business as usual, sir?"

"Yes." Luna got quiet when she saw the look on his face. "You want to… help the people of this country, don't you?"

π/2 didn't respond.

"Listen," Luna said. "It's baby steps, okay? We've already changed a lot."

"We were all suspicious of this deal at first, sir. I'll admit it," π/2 said. "But after seeing what this country is really like… we'll put our lives on the line for you, sir. If you want to take a bigger risk… we'll support you, sir."

Luna looked to the side, bothered. "I'm… I'm doing all I want to," she said. "I can't risk any more of you losing the connection." She looked to π/2 again. "But… thanks for the offer."

"Of course, sir."

Luna took a breath, then looked at the door. "It's our first day back for a while now. Let's just try to get through it."

– – – –

The day court was packed.

Canterlot being destroyed tended to do that.

Celestia, noticing Luna enter, looked a little surprised, then regained her usual silky smoothness.

"Hello Luna," she said. "Any reason you're attending the day court?"

Luna sat on her own, noticeably smaller throne. "It seems I've missed quite a bit this past week. I figured I'd try to catch up."

"It's your own fault, you know," Celestia said. "You do realize 'diplomatic visits' are unnecessary for us, right? We're gods. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of us."

Luna scoffed. "You say that, but then you're continually amazed when the other nations send you gifts instead of death threats." Luna smiled. "Besides, I might as well do something while you're playing around."

Celestia smiled. "Maybe I like the death threats," she said. "But point taken. You may watch, but don't interfere." She looked to the sky. "At least, until nightfall arrives."

That was fairly arbitrary when Celestia controlled the sky, but there wasn't much Luna could do about it. "Understood."

Celestia turned to the line once more. "Next!"

A nervous, but indignant stallion came up. "Princess Celestia, about the incident in Canterlot…"

"Yes?"

The stallion took a bit to compose himself. "I want to know one thing."

"What is it?"

"…why is Pony Joe's Donuts the only building that was not destroyed?"

Celestia continued smiling, but the atmosphere grew tense. "I have no idea," she said. "Maybe Vivace did not find donuts sufficiently erotic. Is that answer satisfactory?"

The stallion's face said it clearly wasn't, but he lied. "Yes."

He left.

Luna's suspicion Celestia had something to do with Vivace trashing Canterlot was looking more likely with each passing second.

"Next!"

An official looking mare walked up. "I would like to inform you, Princess Celestia," she said, "that in the four days since the Canterlot incident, sexual… relations with fish has increased at least 300%."

Celestia smiled, obviously unimpressed, but amused. "How on earth did you figure that out in four days?"

"If I've seen three ponies are doing it, it's increased 300%."

Celestia couldn't really argue with that. "And?"

The mare looked offended. "It's illegal. Do something about it."

Celestia put a hoof to her chin, clearly in mock thought. "Is it?" She turned to Luna. "Luna, you're the Princess of the Night. You're in charge of the sex stuff. Tell me."

Luna groaned. There was no way Celestia had forgotten that law. Pretty much everyone who had studied Equestrian law had this one memorized. Even for Celestia, it was… special.

"Lawbook F Chapter VI Item 6," Luna recited drolly. "Unnatural acts between a pony and a lesser species are expressly forbidden. 'Unnatural acts' will not be defined more clearly. 'Lesser species' will not be defined more clearly. The punishments for violating this law will not be defined more clearly." She had to take a breath before reciting the last part. "The only exception to this law is if the pony plans to make a profit off of the lesser species by selling their semen as part of an energy drink."

Celestia looked wistful. "Ah, yes," she said. "One of the finest parts of the human justice system."

"See!?" the mare said, looking confident. "They weren't making energy drinks, I can tell you that much! Fish don't even work like that!" She smiled. "And they were doing it in public too! Can you say blatant disregard for public decency laws!? Are these the type of people you want representing Equestria!?"

Celestia smiled. "Those 'public decency laws' are just an urban myth, you know," she said.

The mare began to get a sinking feeling. "What?"

Celestia turned back to Luna. "Luna?"

"Yes?"

"Add the following words to Item 5." She inhaled. "'A fish is fine, too.'"

Luna rolled her eyes. "As you wish."

The mare sputtered. "Bu… wha… that's disgusting!"

"No it isn't," Celestia said. "I rule, and I say it isn't. So there."

The mare tried to think of something. "Bu… b-but what about multiple fish!? Now the law just says 'a fish'!"

Celestia's eyes and smile widened. "Were any of the people you watched having sex with multiple fish?"

The mare blushed. "N-No…"

"Then I'm not going to worry about it." Celestia leaned on a hoof. "Let me put it this way. If someone can figure out how to triple penetrate themselves with fish, I'll make it legal. Am I clear?"

The mare nodded, pale, and left.

Celestia turned to Luna. "So, glad you came?" she said, smiling.

Luna was looking up at the ceiling, exasperated. "I'm not learning anything new, I'll tell you that much," she said.

"I knew you'd get back in the royal grind quickly enough." Celestia turned to the crowd. "Next!"

Pony after pony came asking questions about the circumstances of the incident, demanding compensation, and complaining about moral injustices. Celestia proceeded to give them vague answers, money, and sarcasm for their efforts.

Sunset came when Celestia began to grow bored of the forum.

Also, the sun began to set.

"I'll let you take the reins in… about five more ponies," Celestia said to Luna, noticing how long the line still was. "I need a break from this shit."

"Right," Luna said, as casually as she could. She was itching for the chance to run a sane court for once.

Also, there was something about the pony at the front of the line that had been bothering her for a while…

Celestia turned to the line again. "Next!"

The next pony stepped forward, exhibiting a strange, otherworldly grace. They were noticeably larger than the others, and covered from head to toe in a dark robe.

They were silent for an unusually long amount of time.

Celestia, getting irritated, broke the silence. "Well," she said, as smoothly as possible, "what is your concern?"

"I wish to return to my rightful place on the throne."

Celestia twitched. There was something about their voice that bothered her, but she ignored it and smiled. "Oh really?" she said, glad to have someone interesting for once. "And why do you think you belong on 'the throne'?"

The pony lowered the hood of their robe, and that's when all hell broke loose.

The entire room froze.

Celestia thought she had had a long day with Vivace. She thought she had experienced the last thing that would truly surprise her. She thought that was the last time a new variable would appear that would utterly flabbergast her. But the pony in front of her proved her wrong.

For standing right in front of her…

…was Princess Luna, sans regalia.

Celestia looked to the Luna sitting next to her. Then she looked at the Luna in front of her.

Both, in her hawklike vision, looked identical. Both, in her wolflife smell, smelled identical.

"W-Wha…?"

"That Luna's an imposter," the hooded Luna said, then smiled, bared her teeth, and shot a burst of powerful blue magic at the gaping Luna on the throne.

The other Luna's form shimmered, and quickly turned into that of a very surprised Chrysalis. Glowing blue magic bars then appeared out of nowhere, restrained her, and lifted her struggling body a good five feet off the ground.

It was all Celestia could do to keep her mouth closed. "Chrysalis? How long…?"

"About 20 years, I think," the real Luna said, throwing her robe off and walking to her throne. She sat down on it. "So, have I missed much?"

Celestia was silent. She looked up at Chrysalis, who was still wearing the royal regalia. "Don't you want your…?"

"No," Luna said. "I've begun to enjoy nudity."

Celestia shook her head. "How…?"

"She had a few tricks up her sleeve, obviously. Who knows who she could've learned them from," Luna said. "Oh, right, and I almost forgot." Her horn lit up and Celestia blinked. "It looks like you had your own mind control looped around you for some reason. You must've been pretty confident in yourself—and never even thought to doubt what you saw with your own eyes."

Celestia looked around, clutching her head. "Wha…? That works?"

Luna shrugged. "Apparently." She smiled. "Head feel clearer now?"

Celestia squinted at Luna. "You're the real deal," she said. "You're the real Luna."

"Got that right." Luna looked up at Chrysalis coyly. "I can't believe she fooled you, to be honest. Not thinking something was up with the video games is pretty careless even for you…"

Chrysalis finally spoke. "What the hell is this, Luna!? This was your idea, you idiot!"

Celestia narrowed her eyes, but Luna casually waved a hoof. "Lies, obviously. Who are you going to believe, a changeling, or your own sister?" She turned to some guards. "Take her to a large room and chain her to a wall. Keep watch over it. Let anyone enter and do whatever they want to her, except kill her." She smiled. "I've always wanted to see what a changeling looks like engorged."

A couple guards took the surprisingly light Chrysalis and carried her off.

Celestia looked at Luna suspiciously. "Just what have you been up to for the last 20 years, Luna?"

Luna smiled slowly. "Sorry, I can't tell you," she said, tilting her head. She leaned into Celestia's face, her wings raised. "A secret makes a woman a woman."

Celestia blushed.

So did the crowd.

"This is a completely normal way for siblings to express affection," Luna said, licking Celestia's face.

"Day court is over! So's night court! Leave, everyone!" Celestia said frantically. She turned to the guards. "You too! Everyone out! Out!"

Everyone quickly started filing out.

When the room was almost empty, Luna spoke. "So, Celestia, what's this I hear about another princess?"

Celestia blinked. "Well, you see, the seal on the Crystal Empire finally broke, so—"

Luna got serious. "I'm not talking about Cadance. Just tell me the truth, Celestia, because I'll find out eventually," she said. "Did you make another immortal?"

Celestia was silent for a while, and then decided to answer. "Yes," she said. "One of my magic students. Twilight Sparkle. She tried to kill me and I was impressed."

Luna looked irritated. "I see the mind control looping made you stupider than I thought."

Celestia smiled, looking oddly serene. "No, that wasn't it," she said. "Even now, I would've made the same choice. I've had my eye on her for a very, very long time now."

Luna looked Celestia in the eye, and then dropped it. "Alright," she said. "I'll trust you. So when can I meet her?"

Celestia shrugged. "Who knows? She sent herself to a remote castle a while back, and I've heard some pretty interesting rumors about what's going on there…"

Luna twitched. "You didn't tell her about the hunger, did you?"

Celestia smiled. "Of course not."

Luna punched Celestia through the face. It quickly grew back.

Celestia continued smiling, unfazed.

"Oh, look," Luna said, "my hoof slipped."

"You're still angry about that?" Celestia said. "I'm surprised you can even remember it."

Luna scoffed. "My brain's never gotten as scrambled as yours," she said. "You know that."

Celestia was silent for a few seconds. "Speaking of that," she said, "something's been bothering me for a while now."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "You? Please, tell me more."

Celestia hesitated, but spoke. "Is there… a rhythm… outside?"

"Outside what?"

"The dome."

The two stared at each other.

Then Luna spoke. "Of course there is," she said. "You did that to the sky, remember? It's basically a long-acting spell. That lightning has your signature on it the same way the mind control magic in here does."

Celestia thought about it, then hit her head with her hoof. "Oh. Right. And she was able to do that to me because of the loop…" Celestia shook her head. "I'm so stupid."

"Don't worry, it's not your fault," Luna said, smiling condescendingly. Her eyes narrowed. "Who's 'she,' though?"

"Just some pop star I showed the outside for kicks," Celestia said, trying to downplay it. "She was a descendent of an escaped experiment I made, and could… abuse the rhythm." She saw the look on Luna's face. "Don't worry, I killed her."

"Good. I can't believe you kept those people alive," Luna said. Then, she smiled. "Wait, so does that mean that, until now, you thought there was some 'god rhythm' out there or something?"

Celestia looked the side, embarrassed. "W-Well, I…" She looked at Luna, blushing. "Yes."

Luna laughed. "Oh, this was so worth it," she said. She nustled against Celestia. "Come on now. You were the one that told me, remember? We're gods. We're the top of the food chain now. There's nothing above us." She rested her head on Celestia's back. "Don't forget that. It's your only good quality."

Celestia looked ahead.

Did Sweetie Belle use her own rhythm against her out there? Was that what she was referring to? That was an awfully convenient explanation.

But deep inside of Celestia… part of her couldn't help but worry.

Was this finally her… their day of reckoning…?

Was the force outside…?

– – – –

Pinkie Pie sat on a rock in the apocalyptic wasteland outside of the dome, skipping stones in the time dilated zones.

Suddenly, she stopped, her ears twitching. She looked ahead, to the glowing dome in the distance.

"Celestia's finally realizing the nature of her situation," she said. "Good."

She looked up through a rare break in the freakish clouds to the moon.

The real moon.

It was much too close to the ground, and had a giant chunk blown out of it. You could see debris orbiting the planet as well.

"And he's making his first move…"

Obama's Revelation

The moon was keeping him alive. That was the only conclusion Obama could reach.

He couldn't quite tell how much time it'd been, but it had been years, that much was clear. And in that whole time, he had never needed food or water. He wasn't immortal, not by any means—cuts and scrapes healed, but not much faster than they would in any human.

And he didn't appear to be aging, but without a mirror, it was hard to tell.

He thought Celestia was kidding when she said she was banishing him "to the moon, beeyotch," but she was indeed completely serious. He was on the fucking moon.

It was even more drab than he expected. There was a giant hole blown out of it, which initially seemed sort of interesting, but then Obama realized that from the surface, it was just a giant, smooth valley, and thus even more boring than everything else. The rest of the planetoid, with all its rocks and craters, was far better. There even seemed to be some signs that someone else was here before him.

Like all those broken rocks covered in dry, crusted something.

Obama tried not to think about those too deeply.

He had a nice view of the planet below. He had expected it to be nice and green and happy, and was surprised to see that most of the planet was a lifeless wasteland. Demented, fast-moving yellow clouds covered most of it. Underneath them, Obama could occasionally make out landmasses. When he pieced it together, he realized the planet's layout was disturbingly like Earth's—or at least, it used to be.

The only exception was a glowing dome that occupied a little less than a third of the planet. At first, Obama wasn't quite sure what it was, but then he noticed that it was usually covered in a pattern that resembled clouds, and at random times, would turn dark and be covered with spots of light.

That was Equestria. It was Equestria's "sky."

Celestia had destroyed a world… and made a fishbowl to experiment with life in.

He had begun to doubt himself after he saw the results of his attempt to kill her. But that made him sure.

She couldn't be forgiven.

She had to die.

But there was nothing he could do from up here.

For now.

If he was being kept alive up here, that could mean only one thing—Celestia was planning on visiting him or bringing him back to her country at some point. If she wanted to kill him, she could have just done that immediately.

And when she did… he would strike.

Somehow.

He thought about how he would get his revenge constantly, and was beginning to gain an appreciation for her strength. If she had destroyed an entire planet, sent him to the moon, and could keep him alive indefinitely just to toy with him, she was incredibly powerful. And if everything Twilight and her friends tried on her didn't work, she probably was genuinely immortal.

It was clear he was going to need a different line of attack, but it seemed hopeless.

…at least until that day.

On a whim, he decided to look around on the dark side of the moon, finally beyond caring about getting lost in pitch black nothingness.

After walking for a while, though, it was clear that was the least of his problems.

Because the back of the moon wasn't pitch black.

The further he walked, the more of it he could see. It looked like an ocean, and for the first time, his plans were beginning to look practical.

For surrounding him were blue, glowing letters.

ACT I END

- ACT II -

Act II

"There is nothing that could possibly go wrong with this."
-Obama, minutes before launching healthcare.gov

Obama's Return

983 years later…

The last human in Equestria ran.

As hard as he could.

As fast as he could.

He was in a giant hallway, as wide as a football field and seemingly endless in length. He wasn't sure when or if it would end, but he was sure whatever it led to would be better than where he came from.

Equestria was far different than what he had imagined. It was almost a millennium since the events of the show, for one. And in that time, pony culture had become a little… well, let's just say… not kid friendly.

He had seen more blood in the last couple months than he had his entire life before. And the sex… dear god, it was only a matter of luck that he hadn't been dragged into any of those nightmarish orgies himself. Magic, infinite creativity, and the normalization of everything made some pretty extreme combinations.

Some said the god of this world, Celestia, had gone mad, but this was merely a loud minority. The prevailing opinion was she had always been like this.

The peaceful Equestria shown to humans every Saturday was not what this world's Celestia ever intended to make. To her, that was merely a stage to pass through to reach this—-a world that was, to any outsiders, a hedonistic hellscape.

In front of him, one of the massively tall windows shattered into a million pieces and Celestia delicately landed on the ground in front of him, covered in her own blood and thousands of little lacerations that quickly closed of their own volition.

Smiling the whole time, she spit out some of her blood and looked upon the human with wild eyes. "Tired of running yet?" she said, giving him that same hungry look she did when they first met. "I would appreciate an answer to my question."

The human grit his teeth. "No. I won't. I'm not going to 'play' with you."

"A shame," Celestia said, walking around him, and brushing his body with her tail. "But if you don't want to have a little fun before I have my way with you, that's your prerogative."

A bead of sweat dropped the human's face as his eyes darted around the hallway. "No. My honor is more important than my life."

Celestia smiled. "Excuse me?"

The human was struggling to get words out, working hard to overcome a natural fear of her he could not explain. "I know what you want. That hungry look on your face makes me sick," he said. "I'm not ever having sex with a horse! You hear me, bitch!? Never! I'll die first! I'm not like the rest of those sick bastards, you hear me!?"

Celestia grinned uncontrollably. She started laughing through her nose.

The human braced himself.

Celestia then pinned him against a wall with a hoof, breaking a shoulder and most of the bricks. Her face was an inch from his, breathing heavily on him, getting his skin damp with condensation.

"That's fine with me."

The human blinked.

"That hungry look was never about sex," Celestia said while licking his face, somehow. "I just want to eat you."

She bit a chunk of his cheek off, and chewed it slowly, savoring it. It filled her with far more pleasure than chewing anything should have, and she started giving his leg some unwanted attention without even realizing it.

"Oh god," Celestia got out, barely able to speak, her wings erect. "That's the one thing I'm going to miss about you apes. Your meat is delicious." She tore a chunk off the other cheek and shuddered. "I swear, it's like viagra to me."

The human 's remaining synapses were beginning doubts she "just" wanted to eat him, but the truth was she ate just about everything like this.

She rubbed against him, smelled the blood dripping down his face, and, completely unable to control herself, bit his head off in one fell swoop.

The body slumped down to the ground, spraying blood everywhere.

Celestia did roughly the same, except in a different objectionable way.

Many crunches later, Celestia was basically able to stand up, but clearly was having a hard time standing still.

"Oh… oh my god," she got out. "I… that's…"

She looked at the body.

"No… have to… resist…"

She shuddered again.

"Twilight… has to see this…"

– – – –

A pony in a French maid outfit rushed down one of the castle's seemingly infinite hallways, panting heavily.

When she found the door she was looking for, she knocked politely.

…which, with the way Celestia had screwed with society, meant she was loudly banging on and kicking the door.

"Excuse me!" she yelled, also politely. "Princess Twilight! Princess Twilight! Please come out! It is most urgent!"

A few seconds passed. The maid got a chill up her spine she couldn't quite account for, and then the door opened.

Twilight looked down at her, a small book floating in front of her face.

She was a full grown alicorn now, with the same figure as Celestia. She was about two times as tall as a normal pony, the muscles in her body were more developed and visible, her wings were impractically large, and her hair had broken free from the restraints of perspective. Like Celestia and Luna's, her hair flowed in an invisible wind, and showed arcane designs made of colors seemingly out of this world. It looked as though the designs in Twilight's hair were some kind of equations, but they were from no branch of mathematics this universe knew.

Unlike Celestia, however, who constantly had the look of a sultry predator in her eyes, Twilight's eyes looked dead to the world. Her half closed eyes looked down upon the maid with a lack of emotion that was unsettling in its own right.

"What is it?" she said in that silky smooth voice that was impossible for immortals to not put on.

The maid hesitated. "Celestia wants to see you," she said.

"Why?"

The maid gulped. "She said," she said, "it's 'dinnertime.'"

Twilight blinked, then looked up and sighed.

"Oh godammit."

– – – –

No one really liked eating with Celestia. It was obscene and disgusting at best. But Twilight had resigned herself to it. It was either this or murdering a castleful of people by mistake. Alicorn instincts… did not take kindly to restraint.

Twilight sometimes wondered if Celestia's immortality formula did that intentionally, to satisfy her sick tastes. But Twilight also imagined immortality was a quite delicate business, and doubted there was any room for extra features. The truth was, their immortality probably depended on eating meat as sustenance, and Celestia just made sure it was impossible for them to starve themselves. If things got desperate enough, even morals could not prevent an alicorn from eating the closest available living thing and living another day.

The only truly extraneous thing Twilight suspected Celestia added to their bodies was their sex drives. Celestia, of course, conveniently forgot to tell Twilight about this as well, leading to a significantly less lethal, but infinitely more embarrassing version of the Lavender Alicorn incident that happened later.

The amount of sex alicorns required was a bit ridiculous, especially considering that they were completely sterile. Unless, of course, they didn't actually violate the law of conservation of matter, and it was only an alternate way of expelling w—

No. Twilight shook her head. She did not want to go down that road again.

Quickly, Twilight pushed open the door to the alicorn dinner room.

It was exceedingly shiny and crystaly. Parts of the walls and floors jutted out erratically. Part of the room's security was simply to make sure the room was too ostentatious and dangerous for mortals to handle without dying horrible deaths—-or at the very least, tripping and scratching themselves up pretty bad.

In the center was a long table with a platter in the center. A naked human's body laid hunched over in the center, surrounded with garnish, its head messily ripped off.

Twilight looked at it without reacting too much. Celestia probably took a few bites early. It was gruesome, but at least it meant Twilight didn't have to stare at it fattened up with an apple stuffed in its mouth.

Celestia, Luna, and Cadance sat around the table. There was a free fourth seat for Twilight.

"Hello, Twilight," Celestia said, with a delivery disturbingly similar to that of Jerry Seinfeld. "Please be seated."

There were times to pick a fight with Celestia, and this was not one of them. Twilight sat.

"I present to you the last human in Equestria," Celestia said. "After this, no more of those filthy apes are going to appear." She turned her head. "Cadance?"

That slur had always bothered Twilight, not because it was offensive, but because she was reasonably sure this world had never actually had apes in it. She didn't dwell on it, though, and paid attention to Cadance.

Cadance cleared her throat. "The rift between our worlds is finally completely closed. He will be the last aftereffect from it," she said. "Now, we need only to worry about being destroyed by each other."

There was some light, awkward laughter, the kind that arises when a conservative family members tells racist jokes at Thanksgiving despite knowing they're insulting half of the people in the room.

Or vice versa, whatever that would be.

Twilight almost asked Cadance how on earth she knew this, but she was reasonably sure she would just get another "spoilers" and a wink for an answer. Cadance seem to be under the impression this was cute, but really it was just annoying.

Besides, Twilight had a more important things to bring up.

"Actually, there's one more left, right?" she said. She looked up. "Obama."

Celestia blinked. "Oh. Right. He's still on the moon," she said. "I'll get him down and kill him for real in a few weeks. I just wanted to make him suffer for a bit first."

Only in Celestia's eyes could a thousand years be "a bit."

Twilight looked a bit irritated. "Aren't you forgetting something?" she said. "You told me the moon kept mortal beings alive indefinitely and offered them a chance to escape every thousand years. That's in a few days."

Celestia laughed. "Don't be ridiculous, Twilight!" he said. "You need to be able to use magic to take advantage of that, and humans have always been infamous magic sumps! There's nothing to worry about."

The atmosphere grew chilly.

Out of Celestia's mouth, that was far more than a mere jynx. She usually only said that to her torture victims.

Twilight blinked. "You're not… under that mind control loop thing again, are you?"

"No," Luna said, "she's just cocky because she's finally succeeded at making a society as depraved as she wanted without all her citizens vomiting everywhere. We don't think she'd choose the Elements like that if she was being cautious, do you?"

Twilight frowned. "True," she said. "I'm still a little surprised anyone bought that all of the world's predators were locked in another dimension. No ecosystem would work like that."

"If you have some reason to be worried, I'd appreciate you telling me," Celestia said. "Otherwise, let's eat. I call the genitalia. It's always better to drink the semen directly from the testicles, if you ask me."

No one needed to hear that.

They began digging in. Twilight took a leg, because aside from the fact that she was eating a guy, she tried to approach human meat the same as any other meat and eat the parts that were tender and actually tasted half decent.

Everyone else seemed to be trying to be ironic.

"Heart, please," Cadance said.

"Oh, very fitting," Celestia said, jamming her hoof into the corpse's chest and gouging the heart out. "Oops, might have gotten a bit of lung with it."

"That's fine."

Celestia paused. "He might've been a bit of a smoker."

"Did I stutter?"

Cadance got a plate of bloody, godawful mess and set to work.

Twilight narrowed her eyes.

She was reasonably sure that, as an incomplete alicorn, Cadance didn't have the same hunger they did, and was choosing to do this for the kicks, but could never work up the nerve to ask. It was meaninglessly sentimental, but she wanted to keep some good memories of her brother's fiance.

"Hands, if you will," Luna said. "This may be my last chance to eat an opposable thumb."

"Here you are, then," Celestia said, ripping off the hands, and taking a bit of the arm with them. She did not do it very gracefully, and some of the bone jutted out at an odd angle.

There were loud crunches as Luna took a bite.

"And I guess I'll take the other leg, then," Celestia said, and ripped that off as well.

Unlike the others, she had a tendency to eat like a wild animal, and show off just how much her teeth could make tendons strech. Twilight usually found it too gruesome to watch.

What Twilight didn't know was the the rest of them found her habit of eating human meat with a knife and fork similarly hard to watch, mainly because they thought it was hilarious and didn't want her to stop.

It reached the point of the meal were they started making awkward smalltalk.

"So, Twilight," Celestia said, chewing on a muscle, "I hear you've been helping that charity again. Was it called again? Cor… corve… corvus…"

"Corvorum Crepusculum," Twilight said, not particularly caring about incriminating herself.

"For god's sake, Celestia, it's been a thousand years and you still can't pronounce it?" Luna said.

"S-Shut up," Celestia said, blushing. "They're the lamest insurrection group ever, so I have trouble remembering they exist."

"They've been around for a millennium now, though," Cadance said, coughing after eating a tobacco induced tumor or something. "Must be pretty smart."

"Yeah, cause for once they don't want to overthrow me," Celestia said. "They must be after one of you guys, and I don't really give a shit about that."

"How comforting," Luna said, deadpan.

Twilight, for the first time in weeks, smiled.

Celestia noticed. "She knows something about them, though, I know it. Look at that smug little face," she said, staring at Twilight. "I can't get her to tell me anything, though. I even put her in the spike box for a week, but nothing."

"You really need to sharpen those things, by the way," Twilight said, popping a toe into her mouth with a fork.

Celestia twitched.

"They do support a lot of countries you've condemned, though," Luna said. "Doesn't that mean they're opposing your foreign policy or something?"

Celestia shrugged. "All charities do that. It's an innate instinct. I don't take it personally. I only take it personally when they try to kill me." She smiled. "And that's when I enjoy it."

Twilight grimaced.

Luna smiled. "Maybe they're just biding their time to kill you."

"In that case, let them," Celestia said. "Sounds fun. I hope they stab me. With a bunch of knives or something. That always feels the best." She looked coyly at Twilight. "Unlike all that nonsense you did. Did you have to get out the anthrax?"

Twilight couldn't stop herself. She glared. "I wasn't trying to get you off, Celestia."

Celestia blushed. "Oh, you are so cute when you're angry."

"Fuck you."

Celestia blushed harder and started grinding on her chair.

Twilight rolled her eyes. Sometimes Celestia could be so predictable.

Twilight knew she was the only thing other than bloody mangled messes that could consistently arouse the most powerful being in Equestria.

For a while, though, it had been a bit hard to not take that personally.

"Anyone else want to fuck a corpse?" Celestia said, still grinding. "I want to fuck a corpse."

Luna sighed. "It's just you, Celestia. It's always just you."

– – – –

Meanwhile, in what could be generously called the Griffon Empire, there were explosions. Griffons were dying horribly, buildings were crumbling, and the worst part of it all was that wasn't even what the griffons attacking were aiming at.

"Tch," Colonel Kernel, a griffon, said like a badass. "Status?"

The griffon at the bazooka waited for the smoke to clear enough to see anything. "She's… definitely still alive, sir."

"Damn."

A figure rapidly moved between bodies, doing something to the ones that were alive.

The Kernel grabbed a megaphone and began screaming. "Surrender now, intruder! You are trespassing on the lands of the Griffon Empire and insulting our national heritage and dignity!"

The smoke finally cleared, revealing a deer applying bandages to a wounded griffon, gracefully. She looked up, and glared, gracefully.

Then she became a blur, and a split-second later, tackled the Kernel to the ground, also gracefully, and with enough control to injure him with nothing but bruises.

It is worth mentioning that he was a couple hundred feet away, and in the air.

"Tch," he said again, wincing. "You damn charities."

The deer got out what looked like a bazooka of her own, shoved it down his mouth, and fired some grayish sludge down his throat.

This was slightly less graceful, although some may disagree.

"How does zit feel to get zome decent food for once?" she said with an accent that vaguely screamed "foreign" but little else.

"We can feed ourselves, you princess slut," the Kernel said. "We don't need your help."

She looked behind her, at the emaciated bodies. "Zey would disagree."

"Only because of your propaganda."

She narrowed her eyes. "You blew zem up."

"Only because you wouldn't leave us alone."

She got up, gracefully, and held the food gun over her back. Yes, with hooves. "I regret zem dying," she said. "But… I'll say zis again. If you struck a deal with us, your people will not have to worry about hunger. What do you zay?"

The Kernel spat. If anyone could wear spit gracefully, it was her.

"Fuck you," he said. "I'm not making a deal with anything even connected to Equestria. Your nicest princess is a confirmed cannibal who's murdered multiple griffons for literally no reason and it only fucking goes downhill from there. You people fuck fish and have open torture facilities. Rape is fucking legal in your country. The only reason your race is even sentient is because Celestia wanted to fuck deer that could put on their own bondage gear, and that isn't even getting into those abominations that destroyed her capital. So no, I am not making a fucking deal with you."

The deer narrowed her eyes. She wanted to reason with him, but they had been through this game many times before.

She turned around, and began walking away. "Then zink what you will," she said, "but I'll be back."

And then, she conjured a small blizzard and propelled herself from building to building with incredible speed.

While doing so, there was a beeping sound from her ear, like there was some sort of invisible phone attached to it. She tapped it, gracefully.

"Agent Velvet, is your mission complete?" a staticy voice on the other side said.

"Yes, but zere were more casualties than I would have liked," Velvet said. "Next time we should use a more zubtle way of entering."

"There may not be a next time," the voice said. "Preparations for the plan are beginning."

Velvet was silent. "It's zat time already, is it?"

"Yes. Please return to the castle and stay there until further notice. Your position as an Element may be useful."

Velvet paused again. "Understood," she said. "But one zing."

"…what?"

Velvet looked serious. "If Corvorum Crepusculum lives through this, I'm continuing ze charity business. On my own if I have to."

The other end did not seem unpleased by this.

"Understood."

– – – –

The immortal dinners usually ended up going roughly like depraved fanfiction writers thought they did.

"Oh my," Cadance said airily. "You give almost as good tongue as your brother did."

Twilight, used to hearing far worse foreplay from Celestia, reacted only with minor irritation. "Cadance, stop saying things like that."

"Why?"

"Because I used to have some respect for you," Twilight said. "But now I'm starting to suspect you're the type of person who'd lock girls into small boxes for months and call it in 'an adventure.'"

Cadance licked Twilight's face. "And what if I am?"

Twilight looked at Celestia, who was currently doing stuff with the human's torso. "You'd still be better than Celestia."

"Glad to hear it."

They were silent for a bit.

"Twilight, I need to talk to you about something serious."

"Cadance, if you want me to take you seriously, I would recommend you stop humping me."

Cadance ignored that. They both knew their instincts were almost completely uncontrollable at this point, and that stopping would be like trying to not blink.

She took a breath, and looked down at Twilight. "Twilight, I think I'm going to die soon."

Twilight wasn't sure how to react to this, particularly considering what they were doing. "What?"

"I'm not sure about the exact time, but the state of the world seems about right. I remember it was overcast, and…"

Twilight whispered over the thumping. "Does this have to do with how you know things… for no reason? Like that the humans will stop coming?"

Cadance nodded. "That's right. I saw this, as well."

Twilight looked around, obviously more intrigued than she had been in decades, but also clearly worried. "Are you sure you want to talk about this around…?"

Cadance looked to the side. "I've been waiting for this, actually. Look at them." Celestia barely looked sentient, and Luna stood on her hind legs behind her, preparing to mount her. "There's no other time in the world when she's that distracted. Anything we say will, at best, get into her subconscious."

Twilight thought that sounded idiotic, but played along. "So… you can see the future, right? That's my best guess."

Cadance looked embarrassed. "In a manner of speaking. But I can't tell you too many details about it."

"Why?"

"They may affect how you act, and prevent the future I want from happening."

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "Is that what you meant with 'spoilers' this whole time?"

"Er, yeah."

Twilight looked slightly confused, but tried to understand. "So… presumably, you want me to try to save you?"

Cadance emphatically shook her head, then gave Twilight tongue. For appearance's sake, of course. "No, no, absolutely not. That's actually what I wanted to tell you. Me dying is essential for the future to work, and you must not, under any circumstances, try to save me. In fact, it would be best if you completely avoided the Crystal Empire from now on."

"…what?"

"I have a role to play in what's to come, and if I don't, the consequences to the universe may be catastrophic. I may even put my own existence at risk."

"What's going to happen?"

Cadance looked down. "I can't tell you. But it's going to be big. I can tell you that much."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Bigger than me becoming immortal?"

"…arguably."

Twilight groaned. "Cadance, give it up already. We're coated in bodily fluids and this all sound like a bunch of bullshit. After Celestia pulled that Luna doesn't exist gag on me, you're going to have to do better than this…"

Cadance twitched, and suddenly looked distressed. "Whether you believe me or not, just… stay away from me and the Crystal Empire for a while, okay? Just forget I said anything."

Twilight smiled. "Well, after this, I don't think you have to worry about that." She grimaced. "I'm tired of this shit."

Cadance closed her eyes. "I just told you because… I wanted to say goodbye first. That's all. I know I haven't been a very good sister-in-law, but… this is all I have time to do now. I'm… I'm sorry."

Twilight frowned.

Was she telling the truth?

Celestia had pulled more elaborate pranks before…

– – – –

A few minutes or hours later (it didn't really matter when the length of each day was completely arbitrary anyway), the alicorns exited the room and found themselves being watched intently by an alpaca.

"Hi!" she said, getting in their faces.

Cadance was the only one who jumped. Celestia, Luna, and Twilight, on the other hand, had gained some impressively thorough cynicism from their immortality.

"Hello Paprika," Celestia said, sounding, at best, slightly irritated, "Element of Laughter."

"Hi Celestia!" Paprika said. "Why are you saying my full name?"

"Because why are you here?" Celestia said, perhaps less elegantly than she imagined.

"Because can I come in there?"

There was a silence.

"What?"

"I've heard you do all kinds of fun stuff in there!" Paprika said. "Like have amazing feasts with rare and exotic food, talk about how screw with all the other nations, and fuck like crazy! And sometimes you even fuck the food like crazy! I wanna be part of that."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. We don't do anything that fun," Luna said, looking at Twilight, clearly meaning to exclude Celestia and Cadance.

Celestia cleared her throat. "Rumors say a lot of things. I should know. I start most of them."

"So it's tru—?"

Midsentence, Celestia teleported her away.

Just like all the other Elements of Laughter, Celestia and Paprika never really got along. It was a bit ironic, because Paprika was incredibly similar to Celestia—her lust for hedonism knew no bounds, and it apparently was no exaggeration that she almost single-handedly drove the alpacas to extinction in pursuit of her next big thrill.

But since she was so similar to Pinkie Pie, they never got along.

Also, it might've been a bit disturbing for Celestia to see herself mirrored so thoroughly, but she would never admit that, particularly not to Twilight.

Paprika, of course, poked her head from around a corner a few seconds later. "I'll get in there eventually, you know," she said.

"Out," Celestia growled. "Now."

"Okay, okay, geez," Paprika said, still smiling. She slowly walked away. "I'll see what Pom's doing. She's up for just about anything if you apply a bit of pressure…"

– – – –

About an hour later (Twilight got distracted and got lost in the castle, again), Twilight arrived at her room and opened the door.

Inside was a dark gray lanky unicorn whose hair had permanent purple magic singes at the edges. She was writing something at a desk, and looked up without much fanfare. "Anything interesting happen at the meeting, teacher?"

Twilight flopped on the bed, more of a sign of mental than physical exhaustion with alicorns. "I'd rather not talk about it," she said, then realized she actually had something fairly harmless to recount. "Actually, Cadance told me she was a time traveler. She was probably screwing with me, though."

The gray unicorn thought. "That would explain a lot, though…"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"Her impeccable ability to forecast the weather." She started looking through a pile of brochures on her desk. "She took over this world's Farmer's Almanac, and it's been uncannily accurate ever since."

"Wait, you happen to have a copy right there?"

"It's a long story."

The gray unicorn was Oleander, one of the first unicorns for hundreds of years to successfully experiment with dark magic. Unicornomicron in hand, she imbued herself with just enough dark magic to give her the most practical of Eldritch curses—the art of being under a constant caffeine rush.

So basically, she never had to sleep. And that was about it.

Unfortunately, this also died her fur black, which was a problem for the white fur supremacist cult she had grown up in her whole life, and the fact that she used dark magic at all had gotten her on Celestia's hit list.

Many assassination attempts later, she happened to run into Twilight while running through the streets of Nude Canterlot. Twilight, on a whim, immediately shielded her from Celestia's Royal Laser Beams and declared her to be her new disciple, mainly just to screw up whatever plans Celestia had for her. Celestia relented, unwilling to fight an evenly matched alicorn in the middle of a crowded city (particularly after New Canterlot through New New New New New New Canterlot had all been blown up or crushed by giant horny monsters), and Twilight and Oleander were stuck together for the rest of Oleander's mortal life.

This worked out surprisingly well, especially after Oleander became the next Element of Magic.

"So, what are we doing tomorrow?" Oleander said, continuing to write.

"I was thinking we'd head down to the bookstore," Twilight said. "I… need to relax a bit after today."

"Sounds good."

Twilight turned over, and stared at her for a few seconds. "What are you working on, anyway?"

"I'm trying to figure out if the human concept of 'black holes' could exist in this universe," Oleander said, scribbling away.

Twilight waited for the other shoe to drop.

"…and if so, if it has any application in the bedroom."

Twilight approached Oleander. "Want to… test out your theories?"

Oleander looked back. "If I'm wrong, you could implode. From the inside." She paused. "It will hurt."

"That's fine," Twilight said, giving her bedroom eyes. "I want to die. And not just ironically, like those memes."

Oleander looked completely confused.

"It's… a human thing," Twilight said, blushing. "Some of my research took me on… some interesting paths."

"You'll have to tell me more later," Oleander said, and then they made out.

Twilight had become surprisingly okay with lesbianism after finding out that not all women were like Celestia.

– – – –

Nude Canterlot was pretty much what you'd expect.

It was like normal Canterlot, except nude.

No clothing was allowed. Not a single scrap. In fact, there was magic to disintegrate any nonorganic matter that tried to enter the city. If you wanted to cover up, you had to use plants or a trained snake, and not many people were willing to go to that kind of trouble to hide their genitals.

It also helped the economy, because whatever goods you had in Nude Canterlot, you had to buy.

For most people, this had no impact on their daily life whatsoever. It pretty much put fashion designers out of a job, though, and the field lost nearly all credibility when its greatest minds were reduced to coming up with creative ways of covering yourself up with your tail. And no one was willing to deal with the snakes.

Even outside of Nude Canterlot, though, clothing was viewed as extravagant and trashy, and just wearing some jewelry could get people asking you why you were ashamed of your body.

Historians were divided on whether this was caused by Rarity annoying Celestia many hundreds of years ago, or whether it was because of that one unicorn that made weaponized schoolgirl uniforms that turned random people into supersoldiers that blew up New New New Canterlot.

Regardless, Twilight and Oleander were now in a bookstore full of naked people.

"I'm going to see what they're writing about me," Twilight said, ignoring the horrified stares of the people that weren't used to seeing immortal gods casually walking around the bookstore. "You can look around too. Buy whatever you want."

"Sounds good," Oleander said, and they kissed on the cheek.

There were some flashes, and Twilight was sure that in a few days, the tabloids would be filled with small "Twilight and Oleander still together" headlines.

They split up, and Twilight went straight to the political books section. Skipping over the books about the demented political systems of the humans—Obama had given her a far more practical education in that—she found the books about the princesses and got to work.

– – – –

Oleander had actually seen pretty much all she needed to of the bookstore, and went outside to wait for Twilight. There was a quite nice-looking fountain outside of the bookstore that she had always regretted not spending more time at.

She laid down on the edge, closed her eyes, sighed, and then heard some odd splooshing sounds.

She looked over and saw a nubile dragon pony hybrid taking a bath in the fountain.

Even for Nude Canterlot that was unusual.

Even worse, she knew her.

"Hey! Oly! What's up?" the bather yelled, running over and waving. "You don't get out much, do you?"

Oleander got some water splashed on her, but didn't really mind, but was too busy ogling to care. "Er, no, not really."

The dragon/horse/whatever girl thing was Tianhuo. She came from a warrior tribe of dragon pony hybrids that lived out in the boonies near some volcano. There weren't very many dragons left these days, but hybrids like these were very common. When the general public discovered that dragons and ponies could interbreed, the few remaining dragons were tracked down and… used. A lot.

The resulting children usually had some sort of social problems. In Tianhuo's case, this mainly resulted in her actually taking advantage of the public sexuality laws everyone else was just happy to know existed.

"So," Tianhuo said, bending over as she took a sip from the water, exposing her toned, dripping wet back, "wanna help wash my tail or something?"

"Not particularly," Oleander said, blushing, knowing she would be unable to control herself if she did so. Oleandar was just as horny as everyone else, but spending her entire life around a cult obsessed with moral purity and the slightly conservative Twilight made her a bit more prudish than the average pony. "Besides, isn't that Arizona's job?"

Tianhuo blushed. Through scales. It was her pony heritage. "How did you know she was here?"

"You two are inseparable," Oleander said, slightly irritated. "I don't get why you don't just hook up already."

"But we've fucked plenty of times already!" Tianhuo said. Then she paused. "Or do you mean like, getting in a relationship?"

Oleander gave her a look.

Tianhuo put a… hoof (claw?) to her chin. "You know… I kind of like the sounds of that."

She walked away, and Oleander was left alone for a few seconds. She started to relax, but then Tianhuo came running back, wincing.

"She punched me in the face. What does that mean?"

"Usually, I would say that meant she rejected you," Oleander said, despite secretly wishing that to be true. "But… in Arizona's case, I think I you're fine."

"What? Really?"

Oleander looked into the distance. "Arizona… tends to approach every new situation with violence. She entered the competition by beating the shit out of her father, remember?"

"Yeah, now that you mention it…" Tianhuo said, trailing off in thought. She looked to Oleander. "You think I should hump her and see what happens?"

Oleander shrugged.

Tianhuo briefly hugged Oleander, getting the latter completely soaked. "Thanks for the talk. It really helped," she said. "I'll make it up to you later."

"S-Sure," Oleander said, blushing, and Tianhuo ran off.

– – – –

Twilight was reading a particularly convoluted defense of her actions during the Lavender Alicorn incident. It went along the lines of this—think about how many people Celestia's killed after torturing them their whole lives. Does this really compare to that?

Twilight, finally tired of the book, slammed it shut and shoved it back in the shelf. If she didn't think of it like that, why should anyone else? She was a bit irritated at how easily people were willing to forgive her for what she considered some of the most deplorable acts of her life.

Then, she felt someone looking at her, and looked over to the window.

Her eyes widened.

She shook her head, and looked again, but then they were gone.

– – – –

Back at the castle, Twilight and Oleander walked down the single, giant hallway towards Twilight's room. Technically, the castle had no inside or outside, or beginning or end, but if you didn't think about it too hard, it all seemed to fit together.

On the way, a small sheep in a summer hat approached them. She would have been small and adorable if it wasn't for the look on her face.

"Could you, uh… ah…" she panted, blushing, her tongue out, "give me… oh… a, uh…. ah… order…"

Oleander looked slightly taken aback, but Twilight merely blinked. "Take a cold shower for 10 minutes," Twilight said, with the air of someone who had clearly been through this a lot.

A shiver seemed to pass through the sheep's body, and her face made it clear she was experiencing ecstasy. "Th… Thank you…" she got out, and slowly wobbled away.

There was a bit of a tense atmosphere during this period. When she was out of eyesight, Oleander looked to Twilight. "I've been wondering this for a while, but…" She paused. "You don't think Pom gets off on being ordered around, do you…?"

Pom was she sheep they had just seen, the Element of Kindness. "No, I'm sure of it," Twilight said. "In fact, I bet all sheep experience pleasure as a result of following orders. It would explain their demented political system, for one. And it sounds like something Celestia would do." She looked down to Oleander. "It's true, you know, that she gave deers sentience just so they could put on their own bondage gear. I'm sure she had similar motivations with other species."

Oleander looked uncomfortable. She didn't particularly like hearing just how much Celestia controlled the world. It disturbed her a bit that Celestia, paragon of light, was infinitely darker than the deepest depths of dark magic—and dark magic was based entirely on living sacrifices. Quite a few ponies had to be sacrificed to make the Unicorninomicron, after all. And in a giant pentagram shape, too.

"Say," Twilight said, "is there any way to halt aging with dark magic?"

Oleander jumped a bit, and then thought about it. "Probably," she said, "but it would most likely still dye your fur black. Why?"

Twilight grimaced slightly. "In the bookstore, I thought I saw someone I knew from before I turned immortal. But they'd be long dead by now."

Oleander paused. "Are you sure it wasn't just a descendent of theirs or something?"

Twilight shook her head. "No, it looked exactly like her. And she wasn't an alicorn, either. Celestia never liked her, for one, and for two I'm pretty sure there's only four immortals." Then her eyes widened. "No, wait. Descendent. Maybe…" She turned around and started to run the opposite direction. "I've got to check the archives for something. Go on to the room without me!"

"O-Okay," Oleander said, a little awkwardly.

It wasn't the first time Twilight went off investigating something on a whim, but Oleander still didn't like being left alone.

There were some advantages to it, though…

– – – –

Twilight frantically looked through the documents on the human colony.

"As I thought, the records about her stop making sense around there…" she muttered. "Dammit, I should've known as soon as I heard about the money laundering! But the whole thing's so ridiculous, it's no wonder no one's pieced it together yet…"

She saw a folder she recognized and pulled it out. She opened it up and looked at a paragraph in the middle of the first page.

"'Some of these bronies have tried to genetically engineer'… blah blah blah, but what was it called?" Twilight muttered. She looked up. "Wait. If I was one of them, what I call a project like that? I'd name it after…" Her eyes widened. "That's it!"

She flipped through the box, looking for the "M"s. Then, she saw it, pulled it out, and skimmed the first page.

She smiled.

"MLD Project. I knew it."

– – – –

Oleander was writing at her desk again. This time, however, she was not writing furiously—she doodling absentmindedly while sensuously rubbing her chest.

"Tianhuo," she moaned, "you are an idiot but dear Celestia you are sexy."

In another wing of the castle, Celestia raised her eyebrows and smiled. She could hear whenever anyone said her name, particularly with the Elements.

"She said she'd make it up to me, but would she really just let me have sex with her if I asked? That feels too easy, but she's really progressive," Oleander said absentmindedly, putting quite a bit of detail into a drawing of a disembodied tail. "It'd probably have to be a three way, though. She's so close to Arizona. I'm not sure what I think about cows, but who knows, maybe the milk could be sexy…"

She was starting to grind on the seat quite roughly when there was a knock at the door. Blushing, she got up, flipped the paper over, and answered the door, cracking it open slightly.

"Twilight's out. Could I take a mess—"

– – – –

Twilight rushed down the hallway, flung open the door of her room, and was greeted by a slightly unusual sight.

Oleander was nowhere to be seen, but Velvet was laying on her bed next to a tray of tea and scones.

Gracefully, of course.

"A maid was bringing zis to you, but zen Celestia came and started raping her for no reason," Velvet said, also gracefully. "I didn't understand what was happening, but I figured I would finish ze job for her."

Twilight's suspicions were raised immediately. It sounded like the type of excuse someone who didn't know Celestia very well would try to make. The truth was, her food fetish nearly always overrode her rape fetish, and as long as they did their jobs right, the chefs and maids were some of the safest ponies in Equestria. She didn't want her staff getting the idea that doing a good job was a worthless because she'd rape them regardless, after all.

Then the desk caught Twilight's eye. A paper with doodles of lizard legs and tails had been hastily flipped over, and the chair was slightly damp towards the center.

Twilight could guess what Oleander was doing in her alone time, and it was incredibly not like her to not clean up afterwards.

She inhaled, subtly enough that a mortal like Velvet could just barely tell, and caught a whiff of Oleander's scent coming from the restroom.

She was breathing, luckily.

Grateful she didn't have to worry about that, at least, Twilight calmed down and let a breath out. She already knew Velvet was a double agent, after all. And she supported Corvorum Crepusculum. The chances they could reach a deal were pretty high.

All of this only took a second.

"Why thank you," Twilight said. She gracefully (but not as gracefully as Velvet, of course) laid on the bed, on the other side of the tray, and lifted one of the teacups with magic. "Celestia often sends me random food items to sample. They can be… quite exciting."

She took a sip of tea, and couldn't restrain a slight grimace.

She was expecting at least some cyanide, but no such luck. The tea itself wasn't even that good.

She was beginning to wonder what kind of ambush this was supposed to be when she took a bite of scone. That at least tasted good. There were even some little raisins inside—the type of food you never got to eat with castle catering.

Twilight chewed for a bit, downing the whole thing.

"So," Twilight said, congenial, but looking Velvet in the eye very seriously, "what do you want?"

Velvet hesitated slightly. Not many people could stomach that kind of gaze from an alicorn. Velvet concentrated for a bit, and a small magical swarm of snow surrounded the two of them, gracefully.

"Zat should take care of any surveillance magic Celestia has zet up," she said.

Twilight decided not to mention that saying Celestia's name alerted her of anything they said, and that Oleander was awake and listening.

"As you may know," Velvet said, "I work for Corvorum Crepusculum."

"I know," Twilight said. "I've covered for you more than once."

"I zuspected that you knew, but I wasn't sure," Velvet said. "You did a good job hiding it."

"Thank you," Twilight said.

"Anyway, our leader would like to zpeak with you, privately," Velvet said. "Zey are very grateful for your support of their charity work, and would like to thank you personally."

Twilight wanted to ask what part of that gratefulness entailed knocking out Oleander, but she knew what Corvorum Crepusculum's real goal was. It was even in their name, and once she figured out who their leader was, everything made perfect sense.

"Gladly," Twilight said. "But… one thing."

"Yes?"

"If Celestia somehow hears about this and shows up, you can't hold me accountable."

Velvet looked a bit confused. "Why would Celestia show up?"

Twilight looked over to where Oleander was hiding. "No reason."

– – – –

Velvet took Twilight to an abandoned part of the forest nearby the castle. A few seconds later, Celestia, Luna, and Oleander teleported in front of them.

Velvet jumped. "Oleander!?" she said. "I thought I knocked you out!"

"My dark magic puts me under a constant caffeine rush," Oleander said. "You can't knock me out for more than a few seconds. That was a pretty good kick, though." She turned to Twilight. "Sorry, I didn't mean to tell Celestia anything, but she teleported in right after you guys left, wanting to know what you are talking about, and… well…"

"I applied some pressure," Celestia said, smiling.

"She really didn't," Oleander said. "I just couldn't think of any reason to hide any of this."

"It's fine," Twilight said. She looked at Celestia. "Just don't interfere. I'll handle this on my own."

"I'm fine with watching," Celestia said. "The charities spice things up. I have no reason to want to blow the biggest and craziest one ever up right now."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "But later?"

"Oh, yes, definitely."

Twilight ignored that. "Please continue, Velvet."

Velvet hesitated, but continued walking forward.

Eventually, they reached a clearing in the forest where a small table had been set up, with a umbrella over it and two chairs on either side.

The further chair had a blue mare in a large hat sitting in it. "I thought I said to come alone, Twilight Sparkle," she said in a vaguely familiar sounding voice.

"Celestia interfered," Twilight said. "It's practically a law of physics. Please understand."

"I'll just watch, I swear," Celestia said, unconvincingly.

The mare paused, but seemed to accept this explanation. "Sit, then."

Everyone but Velvet was a little surprised at the lack of respect the mare showed an immortal, but Twilight obeyed as if nothing was unusual.

There was some tea on the table. Twilight took a sip.

She shuddered a bit, but then smiled.

"I'm almost flattered you've gone to so much effort to kill me… Trixie Lulamoon."

Twilight lifted off the other mare's hat, showing her face to everyone.

It was indeed Trixie, looking completely unchanged from the day Twilight first met her.

Everyone but Velvet immediately recoiled in shock. Celestia was particularly taken aback. "Wha… bu… how…!?"

"She's not immortal," Twilight said. She grabbed a twig with magic and scratched Trixie's arm with it, leaving a small mark that didn't heal. "I figured it out when she appeared in a bookstore to taunt me. She's likely a 10th generation clone of the original Trixie."

Celestia lurched. "What!?"

"You're not the only one that plays around with genetics, Celestia. Or fate," Luna said, slightly scoldingly, to Celestia. She thought. "But I've never heard of any ponies getting a successful cloning project working…"

"That's because it wasn't ponies that did the initial research," Twilight said. "It was humans." Twilight looked at Trixie, who continued to be silent. "Some humans, inspired by stories about us in their world, wanted to take DNA from some popular ponies and clone them, so they could raise us as children."

"Or do other things," Luna said, grimacing.

Twilight ignored that. "They called it the 'MLD Project,' after a story with a similar concept—'My Little Dashie,'" she said. "Trixie probably heard about it while she was in the human colony with Donald Trump. Shortly after her time there, there were some reports of her being in multiple places at once, and not looking too good. Those must've been failed experiments."

Celestia got a sinking look on her face. "And her time with The Donald…"

"…taught her how to raise illicit funds with incredible efficiency," Twilight said, smiling. "That was how Corvorum Crepusculum consistently had access to so many resources. She knew how to game the system exactly the way you wanted."

Celestia blinked. "And that name?"

Twilight giggled, her inner bookworm showing for the first time in a long while. "It's quite simple, really," she said. "It's a pun in a human language, Latin. Corvorum is the plural of corvus, which can mean 'raven' or 'crow.' Either could work, but what's the plural of crow? A murder. And that makes more sense next to the other word, crepusculum, which can mean 'evening,' 'dusk'… or 'twilight.'"

"Murder Twilight," Oleander got out. "They were literally called Murder Twilight this whole time."

"That's right," Twilight said, and then looked at Trixie. "Trixie cloned herself at least nine times and created one of the world's largest charity syndicates just to gather enough resources to kill me."

Twilight then stopped. Trixie had been unusually quiet during all of this, and seemed to be subtly mouthing something. "Trixie, what are you doing?"

Trixie smiled. "I bet you think you've got this all figured out," she said. "But you haven't noticed one thing."

"What's that?"

"Those weren't raisins in that scone you ate. Those were small bombs."

Twilight then proceeded to explode.

Celestia, Luna, Velvet, and Oleander dove behind a tree as pieces of Twilight rained everywhere. "Fuck!" Celestia yelled. "She knew this was going to happen, I know it!"

"You were the one that insisted on tagging along," Luna said. "Besides, they aren't after us. That much is clear now."

"Yeah, but what if it works!?" Celestia said. "Twilight's been my best fuck toy for millenia!"

Luna was quiet. She leaned over to Celestia's ear. "Celestia," she said, "we already confirmed they don't have the Weapon. She's outside the dome, and hasn't moved for a very long time now. "

Celestia's eyes widened, and she took a breath. "Yes, that's right," she said. "You're right, Luna. It's fine."

Oleander pretended not to hear this.

Twilight's guts then started vibrating and coming together with such force they were drilling holes straight through trees.

"EEEYAAAAK!" Velvet screeched, her eyes wide, completely horrified.

"…we should probably maintain a safe distance, though. If only for their sake."

"Good idea," Celestia said.

They teleported up about 50 feet into the sky, and stood on a small invisible platform Celestia conjured.

She looked to Velvet and Oleander. "Don't worry, it's shielded. We should have a good view up here." Then, she conjured some popcorn, and ate it.

Velvet was shaking. "She's… She's a monster…"

Oleander looked a bit sad. "No, Velvet. You've got it all wrong."

"What?"

Oleander looked out. "The fact that your organization even exists… means you don't know her very well."

– – – –

The smoke cleared, and there Twilight was, completely intact.

Trixie grimaced.

"You can't separate our bodies, you know," Twilight said. "The pieces come together far too quickly, and with far too much force."

"You talk big for someone who didn't even realize there was cyanide in her tea," Trixie said. Her horn lit up and a bunch of sharp metal blades shot out of the ground and impaled Twilight throughout her body.

Within seconds, Twilight's skin sealed through the gaps and broke the tips off. "See?"

"We'll see about that."

A magic blade appeared and constantly slashed at Twilight's neck, making her head fall off. The tendons tried to reattach themselves, but the blade kept cutting them.

"Painful, yes," Twilight said, "but I could hypothetically live forever like this."

"Smug little bitch," Trixie muttered.

She turned off the blade and Twilight's head reattached, for real this time.

Then Trixie casted the live flamethrower vivisection spell on Twilight.

It was, once again, pretty gross.

"How about that!?" Trixie yelled.

"I used that Celestia," Twilight said, but by projecting audio with her horn, since her mouth and vocal cords were currently in eight pieces. "She made the damn thing, you know."

"That's not all," Trixie said.

She cast another spell, and a vortex started stirring Twilight's innards like soup.

After a few seconds, the now liquid Twilight teleported out, and appeared behind Trixie, quickly reforming into her old self.

"No matter how creative you get, splitting me up isn't going to work," Twilight said. "What's next, Trixie?"

Trixie grimaced. "Oh, I've got more. I've got plenty more."

Her horn glowed, and a few pillar like machines appeared around Twilight. After a few seconds, they started emitting a low hum.

Twilight winced. "What's this?" she said, grinning.

"Radiation generators," Trixie said. "Right now, they are sending eight times the normal lethal dose of radiation straight to your body, and nowhere else. The humans had a disturbing amount of research done in the subject."

"Planning to disrupt me at a molecular level, huh?" Twilight got out, showing she was in pain for the first time.

"That's the idea." Her horn glowed, and the hum grew noticeably louder. "In fact, here it is at twenty times. How does that feel?"

Twilight collapsed to the ground, gagging, unable to speak. Some blood leaked from her nostrils.

Luna, looking down from the sky, was a bit surprised. "She's bleeding. It's affecting her body." She looked to Celestia. "This isn't going to work, is it?"

Celestia looked up vacantly, doing some math in her head. "Probably not."

Luna got irritated. "Probably?"

Velvet was still quite distraught. "Why… why isn't she fighting back?"

Oleander was silent.

– – – –

About 10 minutes later, Twilight was still gurgling.

Trixie was having difficulty containing her glee. "There you go," she said. "Now you know what it feels like. You humiliated me so much. You destroyed any prospects I had for a future. Because of you, I had to work for that damn Trump for years. And the things he did to me… oh, if only I could make you experience them. But alas, I don't have years to kill you."

Twilight's horn glowed slightly. Trixie didn't really notice, but she was conjuring up various figures in front of her face. Numbers and equations appeared and rearranged themselves constantly, until…

She stopped. She turned her magic off, and started laughing weakly, her eyes growing wet.

"Oh, are you starting to break?" Trixie said, mockingly. "Is this all it takes? 10 minutes? I wonder just how long we'll have to keep this thing on to kill you completely. I'm willing to wait."

"I… I'm…"

Trixie leaned in. "Oh? Oh? What is it? Are you in pain? Do you want my help? Tell me, Twilight. Tell me."

Twilight swallowed, and continued to speak. "I'm… regenerating… too… fast…" She paused, coughing up a little blood. "Next."

Trixie's eyes widened, and her entire face contorted into madness. "DAMN YOU! ALWAYS HAVING TO SHOW ME UP, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH!" she screamed. She tried to compose herself, but only succeeded in making herself look half normal. "YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE'S EVERYTHING FUCKING AT ONCE!"

Her horn glew, and invisible blazes and vortexes and flames turned Twilight's body into a glowing, spinning soup, with random sections bubbling up into bloody tumors from the radiation. Trixie looked upon the scene and laughed like a madman, sweating from the exertion.

Celestia's wings raised. "Oh my."

"DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME! I HAVE A BACKUP PLAN! I HAVE A BACKUP PLAN FOR EVERYTHING!" Trixie screamed. "WHO CARES HOW FAST YOU CAN REGENERATE IF NOT A SINGLE ATOM OF YOU IS LEFT!?"

She tapped her ear. "Do it," she said.

The ground shook, and sections of the forest started to slide away. What was left of Twilight's body and the radiation machine began to float in air, surrounded on all sides by an underground missile complex, with giant rockets aimed at her from every side.

"Each of these missiles contains 15 hydrogen bonds, the most powerful human weapon ever made," Trixie said, putting on some goggles and walking on a catwalk to a control room. "We tested them when the various Canterlots were being humped by giant monsters, so the seismic disturbances wouldn't stand out."

Luna glared at Celestia.

"And what did we find?" Trixie said. " With enough explosive force, you can completely vaporize the area at the center of the explosion. And, of course, with this many bombs, there's no way that won't happen." She opened the door. "And don't worry, we're in a remote area, and the explosion will eventually dissipate harmlessly in the atmosphere, so no one else will be hurt. Besides, with magic, I can seal myself off fine, which is all that really matters." She entered the control room, closed the door, and various parts of the complex became enveloped in a shimmering magic shield.

An intercom clicked, and begin to count down. "Ten… Nine… Eight…"

Luna looked incredulous. "I don't think she has quite the handle on nuclear physics she thinks she does. All the atmosphere would do is…" Her face sank.

"Five… Four… Three…"

Luna's eyes suddenly widened, and it looked like she was just about to have a heart attack. "CELESTIA! THERE IS NO ATMOSPHERE! THE DOME!"

Celestia's eyes widened just as much. "FUCK!"

In a split second, both their horns glowed and a giant spherical shield appeared around the area.

"One… launch!"

Celestia grimaced, exerting herself. "Look away, you two!"

Velvet was too shocked to react, so Oleander quickly tackled her to the ground and covered her eyes.

Immediately afterwards was one of the most impressive and ridiculous fiery glows any of them had ever witnessed. A deafening roar echoed through the landscape, and continued like this for at least a minute.

All of Equestria wondered what on earth was happening next to the castle this time.

A few more minutes passed, and the area was still fiery looking, but the main part of the explosion had finished.

"I think we need to keep the shield up for at least five more minutes!" Luna said, sweating.

"I know!" Celestia yelled.

Oleander, hearing the sounds die down, opened one of her eyes a crack and snuck a peek at the scene.

The area inside the shield was completely engulfed by flame, and every living thing inside had been obliterated. The only things remaining were the few protected parts of the missile complex—the control room, and the foundations needed to stand that up.

Twilight and the radiation machine were nowhere to be seen.

Oleander quickly closed her eye, just in case.

Minutes passed with no activity.

"I'm going to test for radiation," Luna said. "Take the shield for a few seconds."

"No, I'll do the test," Celestia said, sternly. "You take the shield."

Luna didn't argue.

The shield shimmered oddly for a few seconds while Celestia concentrated. Then it went back to the way it was before.

"Nothing," Celestia said. "The explosion was so localized there aren't even any ashes left."

Luna sighed in relief. "Good. Then release in three… two… one…"

The princess' shield disappeared. A few seconds later, the missile complex's did as well.

"You can look now," Celestia said.

Velvet and Oleander immediately opened their eyes and looked down on the scene.

The middle of the forest was now a massive crater, completely devoid of anything whatsoever. There wasn't even any smoke.

It was as clear as day that no part of Twilight remained.

The door to the control room opened, and Trixie exited. She danced around the exposed dirt, laughing maniacally.

"I did it! I did it!" she yelled. "I killed Twilight! Do you hear me, past Trixies? I did it! I finally did it! I finally achieved our holy goal, passed down from generation to generation from Trixie Prime, the great, the powerfu—!"

But then, she stopped.

In the center of the crater, what looked like small pieces of dirt started gathering. A few seconds later, they began to form themselves into a vaguely quadrapedal shape.

Trixie barely had words. "W-Wha…?"

With each passing second the form grew more distinct. Bone started appearing. Then, pockets of blood started floating in the air. Muscles appeared and started stretching themselves out. Soon, a disembodied brain and eyeballs gained form where the head should be, but it too was soon covered by muscle and flesh. With no particular pattern fur and feathers grew on Twilight's naked body.

The last thing that appeared was her celestial hair, which appeared to rip a chunk out of the piece of reality next to it and toss it to the side.

And Twilight did not look happy.

"Enough with the games, Trixie," she said, glaring. "Is that all?"

Trixie looked absolutely terrified. "Wha… bu… h-how…"

Milliseconds later, Twilight had Trixie pinned to her control room, which quickly began cracking under the pressure.

And unlike Celestia, Twilight wasn't turned on by this in the slightest.

Her entire body was filled with rage.

"I thought so," Twilight seethed.

"H-How are you alive?" Trixie stammered.

"I am a soul connected to a particular point in space," Twilight said. "It doesn't matter if every atom of my body is destroyed. As long as that connection remains intact, I can always come back."

Trixie glared. "Y-You're a monster."

Twilight was silent, and looked down.

"…you're right."

"What?"

"We all are. All the alicorns. I don't even care about the living forever part. We have to rape and cannibalize just to survive. It's part of our instincts, and Celestia fucking made it so we can't resist them even if we tried. I've killed and maimed more people than I even knew before this." When their eyes met again, Twilight's had tears in them. "I've tried to kill myself so much. I need to pay for my sins, and I can't. Do you understand, Trixie? I want to die."

Trixie couldn't respond.

"When I figured out what Corvorum Crepusculum meant, I was so happy. You were the best chance I had for finally escaping this hell. So I helped you. I helped you as much as I could." Her voice started shaking with anger. "You had a thousand years, Trixie. A thousand years, brilliant scientists, almost infinite resources, and the support of your target. And you used all that power to make this? A bigger explosion than normal?"

"I had… other ideas…"

"Shut up," Twilight growled. "Your other ideas? I already tried them. All of them. I've kept myself vivisected for a week. I've been impaled by spikes for months. I sometimes put cyanide in my coffee for taste. Committing suicide is part of my daily routine, and every assistant I've had has given me new ideas on how to end my life. And I only kept you alive because I thought you might be smart enough to think of something different."

Trixie could only open and close her mouth incoherently.

Twilight drew her face inches from Trixie and glared with a seething anger worse than anything anyone had seen from Celestia.

"Trixie," Twilight said, baring her fangs, "you're pathetic."

And she punched a hole through Trixie's stomach with her hoof.

Trixie fell to the ground limply, and Twilight wasted no time to feed. She tore a chunk of arm off, and proceeded to ravenously eat it as if she had not eaten in weeks.

Soon, there was only a skeleton of Trixie left.

No magic.

Just a hungry predator eating to survive.

Then, Twilight set her eyes on the ponies in the control room, her mouth covered with splattered blood.

They knew what was coming next.

– – – –

Velvet could barely speak.

"I've known for a while now," Oleander said. "Twilight's had me help out with her tests. And it's true. I don't think there is a way to kill her." She glanced at Celestia. "Not that I want it to work, of course…"

Celestia smiled. "Don't worry, Oleander," she said. "You're the Element of Magic now. I can't replace you easily. I'll make sure you stay alive until I find another one."

"How comforting."

Celestia looked down. "Well, I would work on eliminating Corvorum Crepusculum myself, but it seems Twilight has grasped that they are too dangerous to remain in this world," she said. "Tell her she can do whatever she wants with their remains, as long any remaining hydrogen bombs and the knowledge of how to create them is destroyed. I don't think she'll have a problem with that."

Oleander bowed slightly. "I will." She raised an eyebrow. "And, to confirm… whatever she wants?"

Celestia smiled. "You two really are a pair."

"Why can't… you tell her now?" Velvet said nervously, although she had an idea.

Celestia looked at the control room. A dismembered leg flew out of the window.

"I don't think she's quite… sentient right now."

"Sapient," Luna corrected.

"Shut up," Celestia snapped. "No one uses that word and you know it."

Oleander stood next to Velvet. "Alicorns need to eat meat to survive," she said. "When they get hungry enough, they go into a sort of… auto feeding mode, and you can't stop them. She'll be like this for at least an hour."

"And don't forget the fucking!" Celestia said.

Oleander rolled her eyes. "Oh, yeah, and their sex drive works the same way. She'll have to have sex for about five hours tonight after all that regenerating."

Velvet was having trouble taking this in. "So… you two are…?"

"Oh no," Oleander said. "She can't be with a mortal when it gets this bad." She looked to the princesses. "It'll be with one of them."

"I call dibs," Celestia said.

"She usually chooses me in these situations, you know," Luna said, grimacing.

Celestia smiled. "Then I'll just have to make sure she finds me first."

They started bickering randomly.

Velvet opened and closed her mouth.

Oleander looked at her. She smiled, but it looked a little forced.

"So, how does it feel to be part of the fold?"

– – – –

The next morning, Twilight awoke, with only vague memories of what she had been doing for the last six hours.

She could guess, though.

She was resting on Luna, who was breathing heavily and had a lustful look in her eyes.

Twilight had to admit, even though they all had the same figure, there was something about Luna that she found infinitely more erotic than Celestia.

The fact that she didn't completely hate her guts was probably part of it.

Twilight got off of Luna, stretched, and used a cleaning spell to dry herself off.

And the floor. And the walls. And the ceiling.

She left Luna the way she was, though. She knew she would enjoy it.

Twilight walked over to the window and looked outside.

It was overcast. It was always overcast this day, and for a few days after.

She was sure that was intentional.

– – – –

Velvet awoke in Twilight and Oleander's room. She stretched, gracefully, looked around, and saw Oleander sitting in a chair, watching her.

"Have been watching me zleep?" Velvet said, uselessly covering herself up with sheets.

"Yes," Oleander said. "Mainly just to make sure you didn't run off or anything, though. Don't get any ideas. You're not my type."

Velvet looked incredulous. "What is your type?"

"Anything scaly and slithery or three times bigger than me."

Velvet raised an eyebrow. "Don't you ponies ever sleep with each other?"

"Oh, that fell out of fashion hundreds of years ago," Oleander said, half joking. "Anyway, until Twilight's decided what to do with the remains of Corvorum Crepusculum, I figured you'd stay here. I imagine things are a little… chaotic now that your leader's been killed."

Velvet looked around. "Where is Twilight? Haven't you seen her?"

Oleander looked down. "She always takes today off. It's… an important day for her."

– – – –

Twilight stood in the garden in front of the castle. Although, calling it a castle was perhaps a bit generous. It looked more like a floating… vase… thing.

There was a large part of it that was empty, save for a single plaque.

Slowly, Twilight set a bouquet of flowers in front of it.

And a pair of used panties.

That was for Rarity.

"Hi guys," Twilight said. "I know it's been a while."

There was, of course, no response.

"I wish you could be here right now. I know I didn't act like I cared too much, but… I didn't realize how close I was to all of you until you were taken away."

She paused.

"…and also, my long life has revealed that even if everyone's an asshole, they're either boring assholes or funny assholes. And you all were definitely the latter."

She laughed a bit at her own joke, but then stopped, because that was pathetic.

She sighed.

"I screwed up."

She took a breath.

"Well, maybe not. According to Celestia, the only way I could've avoided this was by killing myself when I was three. I don't have many regrets not doing that."

She shook her head.

"Anyway, you remember Trixie? Well, guess what. She's been cloning herself for the last thousand years, just to kill me. And she made this huge charity empire too! I kind of like that part. I might try to keep that running."

She opened her mouth. Her voice started quavering.

"I thought… she'd be able to do it."

The clearing was silent.

"That was… the one thing that was keeping me going this whole time."

She did not talk for a long time.

"But… whatever. I'll just have to find a new reason to live! I can… help people, or something. I don't know. There's all kinds of stuff. Really."

She had trouble thinking of anything.

"Anyway, that's all for this year. See you next year. Bye, guys."

Twilight quickly turned around to leave.

As soon as she did so, she saw Obama, clad in dark blue armor and a quite large hat similar to what a pope wore, on the back of a large purple dragon with green spikes.

They had landed on the ground directly in front of her.

Twilight had no idea how she had not noticed this spectacle.

"Wha…?"

"I'm off the moon," Obama said, getting off the dragon.

Twilight had many questions, but one jumped to the forefront. "What are you wearing?"

Obama walked over to the plaque and stared. "You mourn your friends on the day I was banished to the moon?" he said. "I'm flattered."

Twilight blushed, embarrassed. "Well, we never found out exactly when they all died, so…"

Obama looked at the pair of used panties. "Are these for…?"

Twilight hesitated. "Rarity? Yes."

Obama smiled. "Good one! Good one," he said, patting Twilight on the back.

Twilight smiled.

There was an awkward silence.

"What are you doing here, Obama?"

"Well, I realized the alicorns are completely immortal, so I'm going to destroy the world."

Twilight continued smiling awkwardly.

"What?"

Obama extended a palm and a giant beam of energy came out.

Two seconds later, Twilight was on the other side of the garden, skidding against dirt. She got up, wincing, and the next thing she knew, Obama and the dragon were standing over her.

Twilight was lost for words. "Magic!? Wha—!? Bu—!?"

"Tell Luna I could avoid the temptation of the moon rocks just fine. She'll fill you in."

"Wha…? What temptation…?"

"And Spike here would like to have a few words with you."

Twilight looked at the dragon. "Spike? Where have you been? I thought you'd died."

Spike, whose head was as big as Twilight's whole body now, smiled. "Very typical… mother."

Twilight thought about this a bit.

"…excuse me?"

Spike's Lament

"I'm going to tell you something," Celestia said. "It's going to be a bit shocking, but I want you to remain calm. Will you?"

Spike nodded, wondering how she was planning to drive him insane with nothing but words.

Celestia's smile widened. "Spike… you're not adopted."

He stood there for a bit, taking it in. He thought about it. He thought about it some more. "What? You're screwing with me. Are you saying Twilight's my…? It's not possible. I'm a…"

"Do you remember how you were born?"

"Well, Twilight had her magic test, and there was a dragon egg, and she hatched it. I was inside. Isn't that it? You're not saying that makes her my mother, are you?"

"Don't be silly," Celestia said, still smiling. "Tell me, what do you think hatching a dragon egg entails?"

"I suppose you need to do a lot of complicated stuff with incubation and…"

"Wrong. Everyone gets it wrong. All you do is weaken the surface a bit and cut a hole. With magic, of course. It's very basic magic, but that isn't the point of the test. The point of the test is to see if you can think outside the box."

Spike thought about it. "Isn't that a bit dangerous?"

Celestia laughed. "What, you think I would have any qualms about sacrificing a couple hundred dragon babies for the advancement of education?" she said. "But no, in this case, you're right. There's no risk at all, because what's usually inside the eggs…" She produced a large egg with magic. "…is this."

Spike took the egg, and tossed it around. It felt hollow. He extended a claw, cut a hole, and reached inside. He removed a small sheet of paper.

It said nothing but, "You pass."

Spike's eyes widened. "You're not saying…?"

Celestia got in Spike's face, her eyes wild. "That your egg was empty? That's Twilight spontaneously created you from nothing? That's right. That's exactly what I'm saying," she said. "Why do you think I took her under my wing immediately afterwards? I had no choice. Her first strong burst, and she unintentionally unlocked the holy grail of mortal magic—creating life. I had to have her. You understand, right?"

"But," Spike said, trembling, "if she's my mother…"

"That's right," Celestia said. "She hasn't been treating you very well, has she? Sometimes it seems like she doesn't want you at all, doesn't it? Although, of course, she doesn't have much choice in the matter. It takes people a conscious effort to notice an artificial lifeform like you."

Spike shook his head. "It can't be. It can't."

"Do you need more proof?"

"No! I don't. I… I just…"

Celestia sauntered over to Spike. "I could… comfort you, if you so desired."

Spike lurched, extended his wings, and flew out the nearest window as fast as his body would carry him.

Celestia smiled.

– – – –

Twilight could barely speak. "I… created you?"

"Yes, and that was your first mistake," Spike said. "Your second was when you then proceeded to abuse me for years on end. Do you think I'm happy about that? Well, do you?"

Twilight swallowed.

She wished she could defend herself, but he was kind of right.

"Uh, ha ha, sorry," she got out, nervously. "And you're working with him to…?"

"Destroy the world? Yes."

There was a tense silence.

"You do realize that will kill you too, right?" Twilight said.

"Me and Obama had a long talk about that," Spike said. "And basically, we came to the conclusion that if you all really are immortal, the only way to permanently hurt you is to destroy everything and everyone you love."

Twilight started sweating.

"Told you," Obama said, nudging Spike. "That's the only thing that can scare them."

"Particularly her," Spike said. "She tries to be good, but it's usually just so she can say she learned a friendship lesson afterwards."

"How exactly are you planning on destroying the world?" Twilight said.

Obama shrugged. "The old-fashioned way. One city at a time."

Twilight blinked. "You cannot be serious."

Obama grinned. "I'm always serious, my dear Twilight," he said.

He snapped his fingers and Spike inhaled, causing green sparks of energy to converge around his mouth. After a few seconds, he let out a roar, and a huge beam of green energy shot out into the distance. After a few seconds, it disappeared into the horizon, and then there was a loud boom and a huge plume of smoke.

Obama put a hand to his eye and looked at the smoke. "That blew up something important," he said. "I'm sure it did."

Spike wiped his mouth, some kind of glowing green residue spilling from it. "Best part is, that still sends everything it touches straight to Celestia," he said, grinning. "She really should have thought twice before she gave me that magic."

A loud thud erupted from inside the castle, and Twilight whipped her head around.

"T-That's impossible," she said, twitching.

"Twilight, I got roundhouse kicked into a land of horny fascist horses, have lived for a thousand years, and now have magic powers," Obama said. "Impossible is not in my dictionary."

Twilight stomped a hoof on the ground and blew air out of her nose. "The time for jokes has long since passed, Obama," she said. "Are you serious about destroying this world for nothing but spite?"

"Yes."

"Then the Obama I knew is dead."

Twilight lunged at Obama with the kind of speed and reflexes only an immortal could have. In a span of time that can only be measured in milliseconds, she was inches from his throat, her teeth bared.

He dodged.

Twilight hit the ground ungracefully, but quickly rolled upright and looked back at him. She looked shocked beyond words, but beginning to get a handle on this. "Just what did you do to yourself, Obama?" she seethed.

"Nothing you haven't," Obama said, smiling, standing on top of the gravestone.

The fact that he dodged at all likely meant he wasn't immortal. But Twilight wouldn't know for sure until she landed a blow on him and saw it heal.

Obama guessed what she was thinking. "As for whether I'm immortal… I'll leave that up to your imagination."

Twilight lunged at him more, and he dodged flawlessly each time. For a few seconds, they became nothing but purple and brown blurs.

Abruptly, they stopped, neither showing the slightest sign of exhaustion.

"Getting the picture yet?" Obama said, looking cocky.

Twilight wasn't expecting to actually hit him. She just wanted to watch him move.

Unfortunately, what she saw was unlike anything she had seen before. Fortunately, it grounded her a little more in reality.

He wasn't constantly moving with microsecond precision, like true immortals did. That would be obvious in just the way he moved while talking. A true immortal had great difficulty making even the simplest gestures without being unsettlingly graceful. Most of the time, Obama spoke and moved just like a normal human did.

However, he could temporarily move with the exact same precision immortals did. How long he could keep this up, Twilight could only guess. It was possible she could exhaust him eventually. But one thing was beginning to become clear.

He was still mortal, but he had been enhanced just enough to be a viable threat to immortals. He could not hope to kill them, of course—but keeping them delayed for a very long time? Constantly injuring them in a way that would incapacitate them?

That was definitely in the realm of possibility.

It was so calculated—and annoying—that it almost had the earmark of Celestia on it. But, of course, the idea that she would develop such a dangerous threat to herself was ludicrous.

"Yes, I'm beginning to get the picture," Twilight said. "So I'm not going to waste any more time testing you."

She briefly looked at the gravestone of her friends with regret, but then focused. Her horn glowed, and thousands of glowing magic swords appeared in the air. They hovered for a few seconds, then shot down towards Obama with lightning speed.

He dodged, again, but this time he went underneath Spike. The swords changed course to intercept, but quickly hit Spike's body and did absolutely nothing.

"Oh, that tickles," he said being pelted with thousands of powerful magic explosions.

Twilight's eyes widened. She knew dragons were resistant to magic to some degree, but she was using one of her strongest combat spells. It should have been doing something.

Unless…

She flew in the air and divebombed Spike with enough strength to make a crater in a solid rock mountainside.

She ended up crashing against his body, all her limbs broken simultaneously, while seemingly nothing happened to him.

After taking a few seconds to get all her bones were they should be, Twilight turned off the swords and seethed.

"Beginning to understand why Celestia culled the dragon population so often?" Spike said. "It was to prevent this from ever happening."

He slammed his giant tail down on Twilight, and she dodged in just the nick of time, leaving a crater where she stood.

Forget being resistant to magic. His scales—his body was so strong he simply didn't have to worry about it.

"If that's all you've got," Obama said, mounting Spike, "then we'll be taking our leave. Have fun while you still can, Twilight. Soon there won't be anyone else for you to eat, or whatever it is you alicorns do to people these days."

Spike extended his wings, causing a strong burst of wind, and took off.

Twilight stood and watched, glaring.

She wanted to finish them off there, but it was becoming increasingly clear that she would need help.

She could only hope Celestia and Luna had encountered situations like this before.

– – – –

The throne room was covered in rubble. Celestia stood next to it, shaking it off some debris like a dog, which looked a little strange considering she wasn't one.

"Spike's back," Celestia said, noticing Twilight. She looked slightly irritated. "I knew giving him that teleportation magic might backfire one of these days…"

Luna said nothing, but continued to lift up large sections of rock and teleport them away, grimacing.

"You know him best," Celestia said to Twilight. "Why don't you kill him? I'll give you a good blowjob for your trouble."

For Twilight, this wasn't exactly an enticing reward. "I tried," she said. "It didn't work."

Celestia's eyes widened. "Didn't wo—" Then realization dawned. "Oh. Ohhhh."

"What?" Twilight snapped.

"Dragon scales get tougher the more they have to defend themselves in their youth," Luna muttered, teleporting some more stuff away. "And considering how you two treated Spike…"

Twilight's face fell. "Oh no."

"It'd probably take more nukes to kill him," Celestia said. She turned and started helping Luna take care of the rubble. "Well, it sounds like a pain, so nevermind. I can deal with being crushed by mountains every once in a while."

Twilight hesitated. "Well. Um."

Celestia looked back. "Yes?"

"Obama's back too. And him and Spike on a mission to… destroy the world."

Celestia paused, and looked around a bit, thinking. "Like… one city at a time?"

"Apparently."

Celestia stood still and took a breath. "Well, I suppose I can admire their work ethic."

"And it seems… Obama can use magic now."

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Twilight looked at Luna. "He said that to ask you about it," she said. "Specifically, that he 'could avoid the temptation of the moon rocks just fine.'"

Luna froze, letting some large rocks fall to the ground with a thud.

Celestia edged up on, Luna. "Sister? Sweet, sweet, sister? What on earth do you have to do with this?"

Twilight briefly wondered what this "earth" thing was, then remembered it was a human phrase.

Luna took a few seconds, then started laughing nervously. "I may have… er, gotten bored up there and… filled the entire surface of the moon with… stuff."

"What stuff?"

"Doodles… diaries… math problems…" She hesitated. "All of the secrets of magic…"

"What!?" Celestia yelled. "I never saw this!"

"I made sure to make it so it only showed up on the the side facing away from the planet."

Celestia narrowed her eyes. "You didn't include the…?"

"No, I didn't include the Process!" Luna snapped. She looked to the side. "If someone paid attention to it, though, they could get pretty close."

Celestia blinked. "So Obama could be immortal?"

"He can temporarily move as fast as us, and summon similar levels of magic power. He also did not appear to grow tired as I fought him." Twilight thought. "I'm pretty sure he still can die, though."

Celestia looked at Luna. "And here I was thinking you were fucking moon rocks all that time."

"For a thousand years!? Don't be ridiculous." She blushed. "A couple hundred, tops."

Twilight waited for a chance to sneak a word in edgewise. "So… what do we do? Gang up on them?"

Celestia frowned. "I'm… not sure that would work."

"Why not?" Twilight said. "We're immortal."

"Yes, we would survive, but the question is, how much force would we need to use to eradicate them?" Celestia grimaced. "If I'm estimating their power levels correctly, at least half of Equestria would be destroyed before they actually die. It would… be bad for PR."

"Well, we can't do nothing!" Twilight yelled.

"No, there's another option," Luna said.

Celestia smiled. "Yes, that's right. There is one way you can neutralize threats like this with no collateral damage…"

– – – –

"Alright, pay attention, everyone!" Celestia yelled. "I know we've only dealt with minor threats up to now, but this is where we have to get serious!"

The Elements of Harmony looked around the now clean throne room, nervous. Only Oleander and Velvet understood how everything they had seen until now could be "minor," and Velvet wasn't quite ready to believe it.

"Obama, an old enemy of mine, has returned," Celestia said, pacing. "He's a human that just escaped from the moon after a thousand years. He can use magic, and can temporarily move as quickly as I can."

"He is accompanied by a powerful dragon that has a huge grudge against me," Twilight said. "They plan on destroying the world."

"Like… one city at a time?" Arizona said.

"Yes."

"Well, gotta admire their work ethic," Paprika said, sounding a bit too impressed.

"Twilight will lure Spike—the dragon—away so the rest of you can focus on Obama," Luna said. "You will use the Elements of Harmony on him while avoiding direct confrontation. If you fight him as you are, you will likely lose."

"Well, don't worry about me!" Tianhuo said, looking proud. "I've heard about those humans. I'm sure I can handle it."

A microsecond later, Luna was inches away from Tianhuo's nose. "Did you see me move just then?"

Tianhuo swallowed. "Er… n-no."

"Obama can do that as well," Luna said, walking back to where she came from. "Stay cautious."

– – – –

The Elements of Harmony, Twilight, Celestia, and Luna walked out of the castle. Celestia could have teleported them all out, but she felt walking "built character."

There was also another reason.

"Do you actually know where Spike and Obama are?" Twilight asked.

"I have a few ideas," Celestia said. "Spike being back is incontrovertible. He's the only one with that teleporting spell that could still be alive. But I'm still not completely sure if you're screwing with me with Obama."

Twilight looked irritated. "Am I the type of person that would do that?"

Celestia shrugged. "Not really. But it's funner to play along with these type of gags."

Twilight tried to think of a response, but figured arguing was pointless when Celestia was going along with her anyway. She decided to settle on a more relevant line of questioning. "Celestia, please answer me honestly," Twilight said. "Did I really… create Spike?"

Celestia paused. She got a look on her face.

Twilight knew that look. There was a chance yet she might actually get a straight answer from her.

"…yes," Celestia said, finally. "Life creation magic is difficult but not impossible. You had an unusually strong surge of magic and made what you thought should have happened into reality."

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "And I imagine you told Spike that and it sounded very convincing," she said. "But how do I know you're not screwing with both of us?"

"The eggs for those tests are always fake. The only thing inside of them is a small card that says 'you pass,'" Celestia said. "You think I would go through the trouble of harvesting dragon eggs just to test random eight year old students? I'm constantly trying to cull the animals, for me's sake."

Twilight was convinced. "Okay, so let's say I did make Spike," she said. "Does that change anything about how he… works?"

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "I get the distinct impression you're not talking about what I think you are."

Twilight glared. "I seem to remember hearing some things about the Royal Harem members and batponies interacting strangely with your mind control magic—to the point where they might be able to take control of it," she said. "Does that mean Spike can do that too?"

"The mind control magic isn't that simple," Celestia said. "It takes a lot of time for even the Three to figure out how to make it do anything specific for them."

"Unless they have some kind of natural effect on it, of course," Luna said.

"Those are always minor," Celestia said, waving a hoof. "There's only been one case in recent memory where that did anything useful. And I don't remember Spike doing anything useful."

Velvet and Oleander walked close behind, having overheard most of that.

"Is it… always like zis around here?" Velvet said.

Oleander tried to disagree. "…yes, basically."

Suddenly, a house appeared above Celestia and crushed her.

"Well," Luna said, "I suppose we know Spike's burning something else up, then."

Celestia groaned.

– – – –

Celestia's plan of buying time to find Spike and Obama by taking a walk outside turned out to actually work. As soon as they exited the castle, Nude Canterlot was in eyeshot, and it was on fire.

Normal fire, because apparently Spike had mastered that as well. He could pick and choose what got sent to Celestia, the latest item of which was a complete set of kitchen knives she had to shake off, also like a dog.

When they got inside, things just got worse.

"Why is everyone so… calm?" Arizona said.

The only people that seemed to be concerned at all were those that were actually on fire. Everyone else acted like nothing unusual was happening at all.

Twilight gave Celestia a look.

"I don't have anything to do with this!" Celestia said. "…for once."

"Then what's happening?" Twilight seethed. "Your mind control magic is the only thing I know of that can do this to people."

The ground shook in a rhythmic fashion.

Celestia turned back and yelled. "Elements on, ponies! …and, er, other things."

Everyone but Oleander seemed to not react. "Uh, why?" Arizona said. "I don't see anything…"

Celestia's eyes widened. "You don't feel that!?"

Oleander slowly raised the recently renamed Element of Tiaras to her head. "Just… get the Elements on, guys," she said. "The enemy may be using some kind of… er, mind control."

Celestia didn't really appreciate that, but it got them to cooperate.

"To do what?" Tianhuo said, raising the recently renamed Element of Homosexuality to her chest.

"To make you not notice the giant rhythmic earthquake," Oleander said, "presumably."

"I think that's just me humping this guy!" Paprika said, wearing the Element of Insanity.

Everyone ignored that.

Finally, the source of the thumping became clear—Spike rounded a corner, Obama on his back.

Spike was big.

Celestia tensed up slightly. "Hello Obama," she said. "So you have returned."

"I've strongly condemned worse prisons than your moon," Obama said, sneering. "The reading material was… fantastic."

"So I hear," Celestia said, looking at Luna. "But I have a feeling you're underestimating us. We have a secret weapon of our own."

Obama chuckled. "You mean the Elements of Harmony?" He looked down. "Just you try to use them."

"Oh, I will," Celestia said. "Fire!"

Pom moaned inappropriately, and then there was an awkward pause.

"At what?"

Celestia looked back. "Excuse me?"

"I don't see anything," Arizona said.

"Just a harmless lizard," Tianhuo said.

"It's kind of cute!" Paprika said.

Velvet squinted. "I zink I can… zort of zee zomething?"

Oleander was drooling.

Celestia's eyes widened. "What the—?"

Twilight lurched, and realized what was happening. "Spike has a natural effect on the mind control magic! Everyone thinks he's useless!"

"Shit! Shit! SHIT!" Celestia yelled. "Run everyone! RUN!"

"Spike," Obama said, smiling, "your turn."

Spike inhaled, and then shot out a huge pillar of flame. Real flame.

Before anyone could react, the Elements of Harmony were a smoldering crater.

Well, their users, at least. The jewelry was left intact.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Celestia said. "It took ages to find new Elements. I thought they'd be more useful." She stomped a hoof. "No choice, then."

"You want to fight them directly?" Luna said.

"We might be able to slow them down a bit," Celestia said. "Buy some time."

It struck Twilight that individually, they all had more than enough power to defeat Obama and Spike. It was just a question of whether they would destroy the world in the process.

Then she noticed something.

"Wait," Twilight said. "Isn't the Element of Magic… er, Tiaras missing?"

They turned around to face Obama and Spike and noticed something.

Oleander was on Spike's back, still wearing her element, neither having noticed.

Celestia gaped. "H-How did she…?"

"All that caffeine magic, I imagine," Luna said. "Did you know that if mortals drink enough caffeine, they will become immune to burns caused by flames hotter than 1000°F?"

Celestia gave Luna a look. "That's absurd."

"Can you think of anyone that's put that to the test?"

Celestia's face fell. "…no." She put a hoof to her chin and thought it over. "Wait, then that means…"

Luna was a bit taken aback. "Wait, you believed me!? I was joking!"

"These last few millennia have been pretty fucking weird, okay!" Celestia yelled.

Oleander, meanwhile, had managed to sneak behind Obama without anyone noticing.

Twilight wasn't sure if Celestia and Luna were intentionally distracting Spike and Obama, but it was working.

Oleander hesitated for a second, lunged at Obama. In the nick of time, Obama noticed, and dodged.

"Oh, you survived?" he said.

"Yes," Oleander said. "I've wanted to screw dragons since I was a filly. I've prepared for dodging fire breath for a long time." She grimaced. "My friends, on the other hand…"

"I assume you'll be looking for revenge?" Obama said.

Oleander glared. "That, and you're planning on destroying the world."

"Yes, there's that," Obama said.

Oleander inhaled. "Just how far do you think you be able to get without…" She indicated Spike. "…him?"

"I've intended on working alone from the very beginning," Obama said. "But we have similar goals, and can get everything done much faster together."

Oleander closed her eyes. "I thought so." She opened them. "In that case, things might get a little messy."

"What?"

Oleander's horn glowed, and she began floating. Obama braced himself, but then she threw off her tiara and kicked Spike's throat, catching him off guard and making him open his mouth.

She immediately flew down it.

"SLGKHAGDGA!?" Spike said.

Pretty much everyone was completely floored for a few seconds.

"…what is she doing?" Luna said.

"Probably trying to kill Spike from the inside," Celestia said, grimacing. "Someone tried that on me a while back." She winced. "It hurts. And not in a fun way. The one way of dying that doesn't turn me on."

"She knows… a lot about dragons," Twilight said. "I'm pretty sure she's actually got a plan for this."

Spike gurgled, and started twitching, as if his body had trouble deciding whether he was making love, having his lungs ripped out, or both.

Celestia looked at Twilight. "…I thought she wanted to screw dragons," she said, smiling coyly. "Why, exactly, does she know how to shut down a dragon's body from the inside?"

Twilight's face didn't move.

Spike coughed up blood, and flopped over, continuing to twitch.

Celestia stared. And whistled. "Maybe we would've gotten along better than I thought."

Obama was seething. He raised his hand, but then stopped.

"Give up," Luna said. "If Spike's skin is that tough, you have no chance of sending any magic in there. Unless you want to go down his mouth too…"

Obama grit his teeth. "This isn't over," he said, and then teleported away.

Spike was moving, but he was clearly in his death throes.

…or something throes, at least. Oleander seemed intent on going out with a bang.

Twilight looked down. "…she isn't going to survive this, is she?"

"Probably not. Dragons can digest lava," Celestia said. She picked up the Elements. "At least she thought to leave us her Element. They can survive a lot, but I'm not sure the inside of a dragon is one of them."

And with that, her and Luna teleported away.

Twilight stayed behind for a few extra seconds.

Nearly a millennium had dulled her to having friends die on her.

It still wasn't easy, though.

– – – –

Back in the castle, Celestia paced. "Medammit, medammit, medammit," she muttered. "How are we going to find good Element Bearers now?"

Twilight walked in. "Now that Spike is out of the picture, can't we just confront Obama directly?"

"Me and Luna have been talking about that," Celestia said. "She described what he's likely doing and, well…"

"He has to manage his energy a little more, but Obama likely has an infinite amount of magic to draw on, like us," Luna said. "Between his ability to dodge and summon shields, hitting him is going to be quite difficult. If he had stayed behind and fought us, we might've been able to catch him off guard, but…"

Celestia grimaced. "He was smart enough to run off and think of a better plan first. I doubt he's gonna turn off any shielding magic he has for a long time, even if it slows down his mission to destroy the world."

Twilight tried to connect the dots. "…and the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can send a localized burst of magic strong enough to get through any shielding as?"

"That's right," Celestia said. "Anything we can do to get through his shields will take a couple hundred miles of the country with it. Starswirl always was better at not destroying the world than we were."

"Those rainbow beams that come out of the Elements can function like heat seeking missiles," Luna said. "They connect the minds of all six Bearers together to determine what the target is and how to deal with it. And if destroying the target won't work, they'll find… alternative ways of dealing with the situation."

Twilight gave Celestia a look. "Like changing someone's memories?"

Celestia looked a bit embarrassed. "Yes," she said. "That whole Luna-doesn't-exist thing was a prank, but the Elements could do that."

Luna raised an eyebrow, to which Celestia whispered, "I'll tell you about it later."

"So… impossible to dodge, impossible to overpower, and doesn't cause any collateral damage," Twilight said. "All the qualities we need to fight Obama."

"That's right," Celestia said. "The Elements of Harmony have no weaknesses."

"…aside from the fact that you need people with specific personality traits in order to use them for anything," Twilight said.

Celestia sunk a little.

"Didn't you say you used them all on Luna once?" Twilight said. "Can't you just do that again?"

Celestia looked embarrassed. "It's… not that easy. You have to practice to channel all those emotions at once, and I've gotten rusty. It'd take me a few weeks to get it down again, and that might be too long."

She looked at Luna. "And you?"

Luna shook her head. "I could never do that. I assumed it was impossible until Celestia did it."

Twilight thought. "And since it's Starswirl we're talking about here, I imagine reverse engineering the Elements is out of the question," she said. She grimaced, realizing what Celestia and Luna were so stressed about. "So basically… to avoid causing a lot of collateral damage, we have to find new Element Bearers in days."

Celestia frowned. "Yes," she said, beginning to walk out. "And to the best of my knowledge, that's impossible. But there's no reason to not start now, I suppose…" She turned back. "Twilight, you're a nerd. Why don't you look into the documents left behind by Trixie's organization thingy? They didn't come off of anything strong enough to kill you, but maybe something they made is strong enough to kill Obama."

Twilight, as always, looked for a reason to disagree with Celestia, but for once she sounded perfectly reasonable. "Okay."

"And Luna?" Celestia paused. "Do… whatever it is you do."

Luna looked unimpressed.

"Don't you want her helping too?" Twilight said, incredulously.

Celestia eyed Luna. "The way I understand it, this entire mess is her fault," Celestia said. "I'm a bit worried what will happen if she helps more."

"I'll go and… convince the populace we aren't panicking, then," Luna said, and walked out.

Twilight looked at Celestia.

"It's… an immortal thing," Celestia said.

"Paranoia?"

"…yes."

– – – –

Twilight had busied herself looking through Corvorum Crepusculum's remains for at least a few hours now. They had a particularly large base that her, Celestia, and Luna pretended not to notice for years—Twilight because she wanted to die, Celestia because she only cared if they were after her, and Luna because she didn't care regardless.

They thought of some creative ideas, she had to give them that. Not much she hadn't tried herself, but they were serious.

They had actually gotten their hands on an immortal to experiment on for a while. Apparently there was a "fifth immortal" Celestia had inadvertently given them access to, as long as they kept her in the old castle.

It took Twilight a while to figure out they were talking about Scootaloo.

Twilight lurched at seeing that name. She had gone through so much she had completely forgotten but… if Scootaloo was immortal, that meant she was the same kind of immortal she was, right?

She really should have looked into that.

However, it was too late now. Corvorum Crepusculum lost track of her years ago. They thought they had managed to kill her with a smaller nuclear bomb, but when they realized the circumstances of her death were ambiguous, the old castle got destroyed.

Turned out Luna's idea to torture Chrysalis by engorging her was not a particularly good one—changelings, like sirens, could grow infinitely with enough love, and Celestia had only realized what Luna had done once Chrysalis was twice the size of a football field and unstoppable. Celestia, tired of dealing with giant horny creatures, decided to just declare the old castle a lost cause, and looked to books on spatial paradoxes for interior design ideas for a new one.

Twilight scoffed. No wonder Celestia was hesitant to trust Luna. Nearly everything Luna did seemed to passively aggressively cause her problems.

Not that Twilight blamed her, of course.

And maybe there was a sibling rivalry thing going on as well… in addition to their endless bickering about who got to top who in bed that night.

To the best of Corvorum Crepusculum's knowledge, Scootaloo was still in the old castle, but they were never able to confirm that. Chrysalis was practically the size of the castle now, and had lost nearly all capability for rational thought. Just going near it was dangerous, and even Celestia and Luna only used her when they were in the mood to get crushed a few hundred times. Twilight doubted a mortal could investigate the old castle and live.

And even if they did, and found Scootaloo… it sounded like there was some kind of magic affecting Scootaloo's memory. She could barely remember who she was half the time. And… other people forgot who she was quite a bit as well. The documents even described procedures for ensuring textual records of her didn't mysteriously disappear.

Celestia was the only one capable of manipulation like that. She obviously wanted to keep Scootaloo hidden. But why?

Twilight frowned. It wasn't just because she was smaller than them, was it? Twilight became the same size as Celestia and Luna when she became immortal, so it was a bit odd Scootaloo apparently hadn't. It would be like Celestia to think a tiny and cute immortal would hurt their "image" or something, and she was petty enough to torture someone for thousands of years for that alone, but that seemed a little much, even for her…

While caught in thought, Twilight noticed a faint breath on her neck, one a mortal would have missed. "…how long have you been here, Celestia?"

"A few seconds. Any luck?"

"Nukes were the best thing they had, but those require components from the human world to work," Twilight said. "We could try to simulate the reaction with magic, but… Cadance would be the only one free to manage the shield around the thing."

"So… not an option, then."

"Yeah."

There was a pause. Twilight debated if she wanted to ask.

"Celestia… it seems most of their data came from a 'fifth immortal.'"

"Fifth?" Celestia said, incredulous. "Twilight, there's just me, you, Luna, and Cadance, and—"

"And Scootaloo."

Celestia fell silent.

"I remember. Back when I tried to kill you, I found out Scootaloo couldn't die. Sweetie Belle actually sliced her in half with a chainsaw in front of us all to prove it."

Celestia looked like she was just about to start laughing. "She what?"

"The point is… the pieces put themselves back together. Now that I've been around a lot longer, I know… the only species that can do that is us."

Celestia got back into serious mode. "And? What of it?"

"It seems like having an extra immortal would be useful for—"

"Twilight, get to the point. I know you have one."

Twilight took a breath, and then spoke. "They also described her memory repeatedly being erased, and other people's memories of her repeatedly being erased. And it seems the only royal sabotage they ever had to worry about was documents of her mysteriously disappearing. The only one capable of that is you."

Celestia was silent.

"Considering that Corvorum Crepusculum's data seems like our best chance of defeating Obama without collateral damage, and that data came from Scootaloo, is now really the time to be keeping secrets from me, Celestia? Tell me… just what is Scootaloo?"

Celestia showed no intention of answering.

Twilight thought of something else. "And… speaking of secrets…"

"Yes, Twilight?"

"…why are you here?"

Celestia scoffed. "Took you a while to remember that part," she said. "Luna said she had something to show us. She wanted me to pick you up."

"…I thought you didn't want her helping."

"She didn't listen, of course."

Twilight got up and stretched her wings. "This had better be good, then."

"She assures me it will be." Celestia looked back. "And Twilight?"

"Yes?"

"Scootaloo isn't the answer. Stop looking into her."

Twilight blinked.

Celestia had to have known that would only make her more curious.

– – – –

Celestia and Twilight met Luna in the throne room, which seemed to have been emptied for the occasion. Luna was lounging on the throne, looking smug.

"Hey," Celestia said.

Luna gave no indication of budging. "I have the Element Bearers," she said.

Celestia looked a bit relieved. "Oh, you found new Element Bearers? Boy is that a—"

"No," Luna said. "I have the Element Bearers."

There was a great silence.

"What?" Celestia said.

Twilight hesitated. "You don't mean…?"

Luna clopped her hooves together.

There was the sound of footsteps, and Twilight and Celestia's eyes shot wide open as they saw the last thing either of them expected.

From behind the throne, four ponies hesitantly stepped out.

Fluttershy, looking older and battle-worn, with bandages covering her now immobile wings.

Rainbow Dash, walking slowly, an eyepatch over one eye, the other glaring at Celestia with an intensity few mortals could conjure.

Applejack, her hair down and unkempt, without her hat, looking lost in the world.

And Rarity.

Twilight took a few seconds to take it in. Tears were already gathering in her eyes. With her senses, she knew the answer, but she had to ask. "Is… is this real?"

"Oh yes," Luna said, smiling.

Twilight teared up, and ran towards everyone. "I can't believe it!" she said, hugging them, making sure not to break any bones. "I can't believe you're all back! How did you do it, Luna?"

"Yes," Celestia said, looking a bit worried, "how did you do it?"

Luna put a hoof to her lips. "Now, now, I'm sure you know," she said, "that a secret makes a woman a woman."

Ditzy peeked her head from behind the throne.

"And more importantly," Celestia said, approaching Luna, "aren't there supposed to be six Elements?"

Luna took a second. "You prohibited Pinkie Pie from ever getting near you again, didn't you?" she said.

Celestia froze. "Oh. Yeah."

"Bring her back."

Celestia paused. She looked at Twilight, with her friends.

"The Elements will be useless without her, won't they?"

Celestia paused. "…yes."

"So bring her back."

Celestia paused.

A bead of sweat ran down her brow.

Pinkie Pie was most likely the…

"What are you waiting for, Celestia?"

She seemed content to stay away…

If she stayed away, everything would be…

"Come on now, they'll get suspicious if you don't."

But if she wasn't, then…

Celestia inhaled, and looked to the sky.

"Pinkie Pie," she said, softly, "you may return."

Then, as if in a jump cut in a movie, as if she had been there the entire time, Pinkie Pie was with her friends, getting hugged by Twilight, looking happy.

It sent a chill down Celestia's spine.

It felt as if the entire universe had creaked into motion at that moment.

She had bad premonitions before. But nothing equaled what she felt now.

It was impossible. But Celestia knew this was…

"See!" Luna said, smiling. "Now everything will work out just fine."

Celestia couldn't even respond, she was so overcome by fear.

"Y-Yeah."

No, she was just being paranoid. This would be like any other Game, right?

…right?

– – – –

In the Crystal Empire, the streets were deserted.

"Can't save them… can't save them… can't save them…"

Cadance shook.

"One day… one day… one day… one day… one day…"

She inhaled.

"One day left…"

She took a deep breath.

"This is… the only way. The… only way…"