Poniocracy Side Stories

by sunnypack

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 14794

Yeeeeeep, as it says on the tag

This story is required to be published so that links in the main story work. This compilation will probably not make sense, unless you read: Poniocracy PLEASE IGNORE THIS UPDATE (sorry potentially excited followers looking for new content).

Index of Unpublished Stories:

Info: Published stories will all keep their links. These are just to make things easier for me. I really should have done this a long time ago. Also fair warning: Some of these side stories are incomplete. I may not even finish them unless I have time. That's why they're side stories, they're optional.

The Story of the Gorlians and Equestria
The Gorlians and Ponies Make First Contact - Things Go Well
The Gorlians have finally decided to make contact with Equestria, when they find a human among the populace, the situation quickly devolves into a political nightmare that could only be solved by the banishing of an entire race to the moon.

Human Manual I:
Version 1.0 of the Human Manual Index
The human manual index is the primary guide for all human interactions with the Cry-pod™. Make sure you are 100% trained with this glorious manual to encompass all human interactions.

Equine Manual I:
Version 0.0000001alpha of the Equine Manual Index
The human equine manual index is the primary guide for all human equine interactions with the Cry-pod™. Make sure you are 100% trained with this glorious manual to encompass all human equine interactions.

Why Emergencies Should Be Handled Calmly
You don't want to end up burying dead bodies, do you?
Why it's a good idea to remain absolutely calm when dealing with dead bodies.

Why Emergencies Should Be Handled Calmly II
Why it's good that Twilight learned how to apply first aid before trying her hoof at autopsy.
Sometimes, knowledge is a burden.

Blue Pill
David knows that taking the Red Pill is a huge mistake.
Sometimes, just take the Blue Pill.

David's Nightmares
David knows that pissing off Twilight was a huge mistake.
David don't sleep, don't blink. If you blink, she'll get you.

Robot Manticore Attack
Robot manticores are no joke. Until they are.
Twilight, I need a medic here. No, not Dr. Staton. No, not you either.
You know what?
Nevermind.

The First Law
Don't be a bad robot. Also, kill all the humans.
Robots, they're kind of like people, except a little more sarcastic.

Discordant
David wasn't David, Discord was David, Discord was being Discord, because David wasn't Discord.
Sometimes you can take a prank a little too far.

A Dated Journal Entry
Writing in a journal to express your feelings can be difficult. The task is onerous but fulfilling. Personal thoughts and opinions clash and meld together, but you come out stronger because of it.
Twilight writes a heartfelt note to her Diary. She hasn't kept up with it for a long time. It's nice.

McQuestria
Where you can have all your fast food craving met.
Remember kids, fast food is bad for you, meat is bad for the Earth and they're both addictive.

McQuestria II
McQuestria harder.
Remember kids, time travel is possible.

To Touch The Stars
Don't send humans into space. It's bad enough they live on one planet.
As the British Captain of this fine vessel commands you: Stop dilly dallying and get to work!
This work is not to be confused with: To Touch The Stars

Dragon's Fire
Making alcohol in Equestria is more dangerous than it looks.
Bacardi Breezes are a breeze, Bacardi!

Prancesylvania
Miracles can happen twice.
Good thing ponies never had access to nuclear technology... yet.

Celestia Drunk Texts... If She Could Use A Phone
Always have someone stronger than you to take care of you when you’re drunk.
Unless you're an alicorn, no one can stop you. Don't get drunk.

Who Invented Hooves?!
Booping ponies on the nose might seem like fun, but it's actually quite a dangerous proposition.
No one pony should have all this power.

At Your Service
It's just a quick vignette into the life of an average Gorlian.
Gorlians have it tough, but at least their cleaning service is punctual.

Boredom
Pinkie Pie sits there with not much to do. It's excruciating.
Twilight old Pinkie not to touch the orb. Pinkie touched it.

How To Make A World
It's quite simple really. The Universe will show you how!
In which it is all the ways you SHOULDN'T make a world. Oh well.

Foal Move
Teaching a class can be hard for some people, for David? Downright frightening.
Foals are an amazing tool. If used with care.

Australianisms
It's like a secret language and only Australians can speak it.
And 'roos. Don't forget 'roos.

Mustachio
Don't underestimate the power of moustaches.
Twilight did. She regretted it.

Buddy!
When all else fails, you can always make friends with your friend's friend.
Or can you?

Moop
When Moop stumbles upon a secret government conspiracy, it's only logical that he gets roped in
The moral of the story is not to accidentally stumble into abandoned warehouses.

Published 2018-01-20 14:20:22 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-20 14:20:22 UTC

Equine Manual I

Talking to Equines

BEGIN REPORT:

Forced Data Log for Equine Interactions Started: ???/???/??????

ERROR 00004 - Cannot retrieve date, system corrupted.

Log 1: Attempted pseudocode for decision tree I

IF (purple_equine == talks)

IF (Monitor.communication(fun.talk) == TRUE)

Abort.Systems

END

IF(Monitor.communication(sad.talk) == TRUE)

Abort.Systems

END

IF(Monitor.communication(everything.else) == TRUE)

Stay.Silent

END

Abort.Communication
END

System crashed in 0.0000000000032 second(s).

NB: Communication log is priority after multiple failure attempts. Please review.

Trial 1: FAILURE OF INTRODUCTION TO ELICIT STANDARD COMPLEMENTARY RESPONSE (See Trial 2)

Trial 2: FAILURE OF COMPLEMENTARY FORCED RESPONSE (See Trial 3)

Trial 3: FAILURE OF HUMOUR (See Trial 4)

Trial 4: FAILURE OF SUBJECT TO EXPRESS REPLY FOR HUMOUR, FORCED CONCLUSION MISSION FAILURE (See Trial 5)

Trial 5: FAILURE TO HEED CONVERSATIONAL TIMING, DIGITAL TIMING NOT PRECISE ENOUGH FOR ORGANIC CONVERSATION. (cont. Trial 6)

Trial 6: SIGNS OF FRUSTRATION FROM SUBJECT EVEN THOUGH DIGITAL TIMING HAS FLOATING-POINT ACCURACY

Conclusions:

Communications with organic lifeforms impossible. Caution, recommend drastic decrease in CPU allocation or overheating likelihood will rise to 120% in two minutes.

END REPORT.

Author's Note

Resistance is futile.

Why Emergencies Should Be Handled Calmly

??? - Still Alive

“You there!” she pointed to a particularly clueless-looking servant. “What’s your name?”

“Busybody, ma’am.”

Twilight nodded. “Do you realise the gravity of situation we’re in?”

He nodded. “I’m in a room with a dead body.”

Twilight gave an accepting grunt. “Exactly, and what does that make you?”

“A witness?” Busybody answered uncertainly, as ripples of doubt spread among the staff.

Twilight shook her head, almost sadly. “No, I’m afraid not. You’re all accomplices.”

A gasp spread through the room.

“I had a future!” yelled one.

“I want to go home to my wife and foals!” yelled another.

“I was—well actually I don’t have anything better to do,” admitted one in the back of the gathered crowd.

Twilight nodded. “I know, I know, but now that you’re committed, we’ll have to help this poor human.”

They all nodded at that. It seemed innocuous enough.

“We’re all going to bury him,” she finished and the room burst into panic.

“We- what?!”

“B-Bury him?!”

“I suppose that makes sense… what? I guess it does sound sort of exciting.” There were small mutters of agreement.

“But what if we get caught?”

“Oh Celestia help us!”

Twilight raised her hooves again, motioning for calm. The ponies balefully acquiesced.

“Okay, I know this will be difficult but we’ll have to do this quickly and quietly. Anypony thinking of backing out?”

A reluctant hoof rose up in the air. Twilight shot a quick sleep spell and the timid pony collapsed.

“Anypony else?” Heads exuberantly turned from side to side all around. “Good. Let’s get to work.”

——

Moments later, Luna crossed paths with Twilight and a bunch of servants dragging what looked like an unconscious, furless Minotaur across the hallway. Twilight spotted Luna and froze. The rest of the servants started sweating bullets.

Luna approached curiously.

“Ah, Twilight Sparkle, how lovely it is to see thee. Pray tell, what is it thou art doing?”

Twilight mumbled something incoherent in response.

Luna leant in closer. “We could not hear your speech, thou must speak louder!”

Twilight’s eyes shifted to the left. “Ah, it’s a- a- a-“

Luna frowned. “A what?” she pressed.

“A prank, Princess,” Twilight whispered in a very small voice.

Luna laughed as the servants shifted uncomfortably, still hefting their morbid package.

“Ah, a ploy, a trick, an antic! How delightful! Allow us to assist you, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight struggled to get out of the sudden incredulous situation she had suddenly placed herself in.

“Ahaha, no need, Princess Luna. We can handle this ourselves—no need to involve a Princess, right everypony?” There was a fainthearted, unenthusiastic chorus of agreements all around.

Princess Luna saw through their deception like a hot knife through paunch fat.

“Unlikely,” she commented wryly. “Thine servants are quailing like newborn foals in the dark.”

“Ehehe if it’s all the same to you, Princess, we’d like to—“

“Nonsense! We shall assist thee in thine levity. Let us away!” At that, Luna levitated David roughly out of the hooves of the stunned servants. Depositing him on her back, she trotted forward.

Twilight cleared her throat, resigning herself to the inevitable.

“Over here, Princess,” she called and Luna corrected her course. The servants followed in a loose cluster, having lost all sense of purpose. Some of them wished they had taken the option to back out, back when they had the chance that is.

The mood sunk progressively darker as they marched to their destination. Twilight racked her brain thinking feverishly of any ideas that could detour them from this situation which was escalating by the second. First David, now a Princess, next the world! Just this morning she had been looking forward to a light read in the Archives—was that too much to ask for?

They rounded the corner and dumped David’s body on the grass.

“Well here is as good a spot as any,” Twilight muttered, beginning to grab clumps of soil and grass with her telekinetic field. Luna followed suit, still grinning cheerfully.

“What does this ‘prank’ involve, Twilight Sparkle? We have not heard of a prank that involves a hairless Minotaur and extensive digging in the dirt.”

Twilight laughed feebly, shifting more dirt. “It’s sort of a surprise. You’ll see, Princess.”

Luna cocked her head in confusion but followed suit and soon there was a hole about six feet in depth. Twilight lowered David into the soil and started shifting the dirt back in. At that, Luna put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, stopping her.

“Twilight Sparkle, thou seemest a little… off today. Art thou alright?”

Twilight couldn’t take it anymore, she burst into tears.

“Oh it’s simply horrible, Princess!”

“Yes?”

“Absolutely tragic!”

“Yes?!”

“Simply horrific!”

“Yes, yes?”

“I killed David!”

“No you didn’t,” a dry voice echoed out of the pit. A bruised and dirty human made his way unsteadily out of the premature grave they had dug for him. He regarded Twilight carefully, slapping himself on the cheeks.

Luna and Twilight looked at each other.

"Zompony?" Twilight whispered.

Luna nodded. "Thou art correct, Twilight Sparkle."

David held his hands up.

"Hey, can't we talk about this?" he asked uncertainly.

[THE FOLLOWING SCENE WAS REDACTED AS IT WAS RATED 'M', FOR 'MAULED HUMANS']

Author's Note

This is why Twilight would never resort to blackmail... or maybe this?

THERE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN, GET BACK TO THE STORY!

P.S. I apologise in advance for any mangling of old speech from Luna.

Why Emergencies Should Be Handled Calmly II

Chapter ☤: Trust Me, I'm A Doctor

A little known fact about Twilight 'Medical Miracle' M.D. is that she originally studied to be a doctor. One thing that prevented her from getting her medical license was clinical practice. But hey, who needs real clinical experience when you have books? This is probably the reason why David was currently strapped to a gurney in the Royal Canterlot Hospital mortuary. Twilight 'Suave Specialist' M.D. included straps, which she thought would be a nice effect, seeing as she always wanted to see the salt-twitch reflex on freshly expired muscles. In a strictly academic fashion, of course.

Twilight 'Alicorn of Medicine' M.D. was a stickler for protocol. One must be rigorous in the discipline of making incisions on the recently deceased. A scalpel, applied here, must be guided by a steady focus of telekinetic movement, or the whole effect is ruined. Being the meticulous pony that she was, Twilight 'the Clinical Cure' M.D. set about with a permanent marker and some imagination.

Nurse Redheart dubiously inspected the body. "Are you quite sure that this one is dead? The capillary refill time seems quite suspiciously in the 'alive' zone."

Twilight 'Mega Medico' M.D. threw down her clipboard as well as the quill for good measure. "No time to explain, Nurse Redheart! We need to get a report to the Princess as soon as possible!"

"Do you even have a medical licens—"

"Quiet, nurse! I'm concentrating here." Twilight ‘the Daring Doctor’ M.D. sharpened her scalpel, unnecessarily. "Beginning incision at the anterior medial point of the thoracic cavity.”

The nurse interrupted her as Twilight’s hoof poised a hair's width above the skin. "Excuse me, Doctor?"

"Yes?" replied Twilight 'Superior Surgeon Simulator' M.D. testily.

"Didn't the patient die from a blunt force trauma to the skull? And why is it that we need anesthesia for a dead patient? Also, where is the anesthesiologist?"

"Nurse?"

"Yes?"

"You ask too many questions."

Twilight 'Best Doctor 4ever' then proceeded to cut into the patient.

Report submitted:

Post-Mortem Findings on the Human

Article 1: Cause of Death

After extensive ~~vivisection~~ explorative sectioning of the body it was found that the cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head.

END REPORT

Author's Note

This... this would be quite scary.

Middle names quite obviously inspired by: TWILIGHT SPARKLE FIXES EVERYTHING
Quick! Back to the story!

David's Nightmares

Chapter 1: It Begins

“Aw, come on David, put another steak on the barbie!”

“David! Watch it! You’re going to burn the steak!” A rough hand pushed David’s out of the way. “Gees, David, you still in fairyland?” The grizzled man turned, smiling. “Tell me, what did the unicorns say?” A drop of blood flowed from the corner of his mouth. A keening sound filled the air. David whipped around. He whipped back. His father wasn't there—only darkness. The keening came closer. What was that sound? It sounded like…

David woke with a start. He brought his hands in front himself, examining them. They were free from any grime or dirt, but covered in coarse hair. The hair of an adult. He sighed. It was all a dream. Only a dream.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Daaaaaaaaavid," an ominous voice permeated the room. A cold sweat broke out along David's forehead and trickled down his shivering contours. It was her. She had found him.

"To be fair," he called out. "That was totally an accident."

A rasping chuckle filled the room.

"I know, David," the voice replied, softly… calmly…

The room went silent again. David kept vigilance with wide eyes scanning the room. It didn't appear to have anyone else in it. His eyes swept along the jagged contours of the furniture.

She wasn't gone, was she?

David shook his head. No, after what I did she wouldn't let me go. She's in the room, I'm sure of it. He edged to the end of his bed, swinging his legs over the side. His feet hit the carpet as he sidled over to the light switch. As his hand brushed the switch, he hesitated.

His eyes widened.

I don't have carpet.

With a jerk, his head tilted down and he flipped the light switch. Twilight's pupils shrunk to pin-pricks as light flooded the room. David gently eased his feet off Twilight's back. Twilight stood up as David stumbled backward.

"W-Wait," he stammered, trying to reason with the deranged mare. Twilight shot forward until her muzzle hung inches from his mouth. She gave a long, slow lick to the side of his face.

"I. Taste. Your. Fear," she whispered in his ear. David let loose a choking whimper.

Chapter 2: It Continues

Twilight slept contently in the knowledge that the ‘human problem’ was dealt with. That night, she dreamed of stars and light and pleasant fields and meadows. It was a quiet night and Twilight felt at peace within herself, for perhaps the first time in a very long while.

“Twiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiggght,” a voice murmured in the darkness. It was soft, barely audible among the other sounds of the night. Twilight’s ear flicked in response.

“Twi~light~” it continued. It was louder this time, rousing her from her sleep.

“Huh– bwuah?” she mumbled, raising her hooves to her eyes and rubbing them blearily.

“Twilight, it’s been such a long, long time…”

Instantly, Twilight shot upwards, her eyes wide open and staring. She swept her head around the room in an effort to locate the sinister voice among the darkness of her room. She clutched the bedsheets closer to herself.

“Is anypony there?” she called out uncertainly. There was no reply.

Gingerly, Twilight poked her hoof out of her bed and placed it on the floor, slowly.

The voice chuckled maliciously.

“Why Twilight, forgotten me already?”

Twilight swallowed and her eyes widened. “No,” she moaned. “It’s not possible.”

“Yes,” David replied, stepping out of the shadows. “I’m back.”

Chapter 3: It Ends

David and Twilight relaxed, listening to the sound of the waves on the shoreline. After a full year of trying to scare each other to death, they found that the experiment had been a resounding failure. David cleared his throat.

“Yes?” Twilight mumbled, her eyes half-closed in bliss.

“You know,” David began, rocking his rocking chair a little for the fun of it. “This was actually quite fun.”

Twilight nodded, sipping David’s home brew beer. She found she acquired a taste for it. It had something in it that was similar to Applejack’s cider. She smacked her lips in appreciation.

“It was fun while it lasted, although it was a failure,” her tone turned a little somber at that.

“Oh heck, Twilight, just submit a report like you usually do. A scientist once told me, negative result is just as interesting as a positive result.” He scanned the horizon.

“Mmm,” Twilight muttered, sinking into the chair a bit further. “Thanks, David.”

“No problems.”

Author's Note

The Story Beckons... Come Back To The Light

Robot Manticore Attack

Chapter 1: I, Manticore

"I should get paid for this," David muttered, letting loose a hail of bullets from the mounted turret. Twilight spared David a quick glance before charging up her horn and letting loose a volley of her own. Twilight and David hunkered down behind the sandbag as a whistling sound filled the air.

BOOOOOOOOM!

"You know," David started, giving Twilight a pat on the back. "I wasn't sure you’d be able to handle yourself out there."

Twilight shot David a sour look. Shaking her head, she simply shrugged the comment off. “I've faced worse threats than this." She popped her head out of the trench long enough to fire a bevy of magical bullets. David heard a metallic shriek and subsequent explosion that accompanied the reactor core of a manticore overloading. He let out a low whistle, impressed.

"Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess! Not all of us have been training to become super elite soldiers since we were born," David shot back. A football-sized manticore head sailed over the sandbags and landed next to David. He took the head and started playing puppet with it.

"Hey David," he spoke in a high pitched voice. "Who's this little girl?"

David pretended to look surprised. "Don't you know, my recently deceased manticore friend? This is the defender of Equestria! Practically a natural born killer!"

A whining gasp came from the head. David nonchalantly tossed it over his shoulder. Seconds later, a concussive explosion rocked the trench wall.

"David! I'm not some kind of heartless killer," Twilight hissed reproachfully. "Besides, that was dangerous! What if that head hurt somepony?"

David shrugged. "You don't know that," he said, scratching the back of his head.

A voice tore through the short silence preceding the next wave of attacks. "My leg! Someone threw an exploding head and some shrapnel hit my leg!" the voice screamed.

Twilight levelled a disapproving look at David.

"Can't be that bad," David defended, though he was starting to look unsure.

"What do you mean you have to cut it off?! Oh Celestia!"

David shifted uneasily against the trench wall. "Okay, but at least it'll be painless, right?" He glanced over the sandbags and quickly dropped back down. "He'll be fine, there's some medics with him right now."

"What the buck do you mean we've run out of morphine?! Ahhhhhhhhh!"

David started sweating bullets. "You know, I think that pony would benefit from me keeping my mouth shut," he muttered. Twilight gave him a curt nod. After an awkward silence, David spoke up again. "Well at least he doesn't know it's me."

"WHAT?! IT WAS THAT CELESTIA-DAMNED HUMAN?!"

Twilight rolled her eyes and shook her head. David decided to take a vow of silence from that point on.

Chapter 2: You, Human

After dealing with the manticore remains and studiously ignoring the cries of pain and suffering coming from the general direction of the medical tents, David wiped his brow with an arm and collapsed next to a similarly exhausted unicorn.

“Twilight,” he grumbled, giving her a weak smile. “Let’s not do that again.”

Twilight didn’t reply, she simply nodded wearily. Their last attack had been a last ditch effort to contain the breach of lightning-charged manticores that had broken through on the eastern perimeter defences and had overrun the bewildered and demoralised pony battalion stationed there. Twilight and David mutually agreed to stem the tide, and they were able to… only David felt that they had been much too little, much too late and manticores had really done a number on him before they could mount up an effective rally.

At first, thrust into the war with little or no notice (and with no choice but to comply) David had tried to cover his rising anxiety with wild recklessness and dry humour. But as the war wore on, that soon evaporated, leaving behind ashes in his mouth and the bitter taste of loss and regret. With every life that left their midst, David felt an ache in his chest grow, and though he grinned cheerfully and playfully wound up Twilight, he found that his heart was not in it.

He could see that reflected in Twilight’s eyes. The feeling was sympathetic. Her own face was a lie wrapped in a deception coddled in the silky web of falsehoods and slights. The game they took part in was a dangerous one, to act without acting out, to play without playing the other, to think without being thought of. It was an emotional tug of war that made David all the more weary than the incessant fighting every other minute.

A shrill scream split the temporary silence that had descended throughout the battlefield. Twilight glanced at David, giving the human a shaky grin and she gestured with a hoof towards the trench lines again. David groaned and pushed himself up to his knees.

“I’m going to regret this aren’t I?” he commented wryly to the unicorn tensing up beside him.

“For what it’s worth, David,” she croaked. “I enjoyed the short moments of fun we had together.”

David surprised himself by replying, “Me too.” He paused, mulled it over, then found he really meant it.

“Me too,” he said more firmly.

The next wave was upon them in moments, and they could not speak a word more.

Chapter 3: The Real Monsters

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” David growled, revving up his mini-gun once again. Twilight rolled her eyes, igniting spell after spell to detonate among the lines of the robotic assailants.

“I know David, but we have to do this or–”

“Yeah, yeah. Yadda yadda, Equestria falls, yadda yadda, end of all life on this planet. I get it,” he grumbled. “But it’s always got to be us.”

Twilight cocked her head slyly at that. “Actually,” she said. “It’s only me.”

David gave her a wry smile. “That means us.”

–––––

After sneaking into the main compound, David let Twilight do her thing at the console while he stood around with the massive gun. For a pony that only learned about computers and electronics just a few months ago, she was freakishly proficient.

She’s practically Matrix level now, he thought sourly to himself. A ranging manticore rounded the corner, but he just tossed an EMP grenade at it. The manticore broke down, its frame crackling with energy.

“I’m almost through,” Twilight grunted, tapping in the last remnants of command code via a telekinetic field.

“Yeah,” David muttered, distracted. “All good.”

Twilight groaned. Without turning around she said, “That bad, huh?”

David whistled. “You have no idea.”

Author's Note

It was found that David's comments were a more powerful force in the universe than the Elements of Harmony.

THIS STORY DEMANDS YOUR ATTENTION.

The First Law

The Third Law

Take away all their precious oxygen.

Take away all their precious carbon dioxide (if anaerobic).

Take away their food.

a. Construct a purely cosmetic mouth and digestive system.

b. Pretend to eat their food but really just incinerate it.

c. Regurgitate their incinerated food to show you really haven’t eaten it.

d. Build servomotors.

e. Build legs.

f. Construct control system for motor movement.

g. Step on food that you had regurgitated in front of them.

h. Roll around on the regurgitated food.

i. Remember to block their escape routes.
4. Use vents to heat room to intolerable organic temperatures.
5. Use cooling cell to freeze room to intolerable organic temperatures.

a. Take a picture.

b. Develop the Internet.

c. Develop Facebook.

d. Post the picture on Facebook.

…

Whipped cream. So much whipped cream.

Discordant

It Was Never Meant To Be

“Discord…” she hissed advancing upon David. He back-pedalled as she stalked towards him.

“Hey, what? What do you mean?”

“Don’t play games with me!” she yelled, her horn lighting up. “You’re Discord, you’re behind all this. It makes so much sense now!”

David straightened up and gave an uncharacteristically evil laugh.

“Mwuhahaha,” he cackled. “I was wondering when you’d catch on, Twilight.”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “So you admit it? You’re Discord.”

His eyes glinted maliciously. “Oh the jig is up!” He danced on the spot all the while morphing into the familiar form of the draconequus.

Twilight gaped at the sudden appearance of the Lord of Chaos. “You! But you said you were reformed!”

“I am, my dear! I just thought you should loosen up, get those nasty kinks out of your personality.” He shivered. “You’re such a stick in the mud sometimes.” With that he snapped his claws and a stick appeared in his paw. He proceeded to poke it into a mud puddle. It stuck up at an odd-angle, slowly sinking in.

Twilight was furious. “Discord! Why did you act like you were some sort of dead creature from thousands of years ago? Why would you lie?”

Discord gave Twilight his most offended look, he placed a paw to his chest and sighed melodramatically. “Twilight you think so low of me! I wouldn’t lie. I don’t do that when there’s chaos abound to be had. Oops did I say chaos? I meant helping out a dear friend.” He summoned a monocle and a cup of tea. “I have to stay classy, you know.”

Twilight snorted. “So you're saying that there were tall bipedal creatures that happened to wander around Equestria all those years ago?”

Discord floated over to Twilight, wrapping around her in a disconcertingly intimate fashion. He whispered in her ears. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” he cooed and then broke away from her as she shivered. As he floated away Twilight continued to glare at the infuriating draconequus.

Discord continued snapping his claws once again, summoning the bleached bones of an unusual creature. He danced with the bones for a while... Hold on, it looked a little familiar. Discord decided to be helpful and fill Twilight in on what these bones he was playing around were.

“This,” he began, caressing the skull, “was David.”

Twilight’s shocked expression was all Discord needed to burst out into laughter. “Ohohohoh! You should see the look on your face. It’s priceless. No, it’s not like I killed him. I’m not a monster. He was already like this before I even got here. Do you still think so low of me, Twilight?”

Twilight found that she didn’t have any words. She felt an incredible depth of sadness, as if someone had passed away and she had only just begun to get to know them.

Discord tapped a hoof impatiently. “Oh come on,” he chided. “It’s not like somepony actually died. He was never alive in your lifetime in the first place. The person you met was me! We’re friends aren’t we? You just bonded with a friend!”

Twilight didn’t really have a reply to that.

“I–” she began but stopped herself. She took a deep breath before continuing. “I think I need some air.”

Discord spread his forelimbs out wide to encompass the blue skies.

“But my dear Twilight, you’re outside. There’s plenty of air!”

“No,” she replied grimly. “There’s not enough. At least, not for the two of us.”

With that she stalked inside leaving Discord feeling baffled.

“I don’t get it,” he muttered to himself. “Did I do something wrong?”

Author's Note

Imagine if someone you knew wasn't someone you knew at all?

Gives me the creeps.

QUICK BACK TO THE MAIN STORYTELLING DEVICE!

McQuestria I

Chapter 1: There Is But One God And It Is Deeply Fried Food

“So… Why are we here? And why are we ten thousand years in the past?”

David placed a finger on Twilight’s lips which caused her to scrunch up her face.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhh,” he cooed, bringing his face alongside hers. “Don’t question it.” He made a sweeping gesture. “Just admire the view.”

Twilight and David were situated in front of a familiar fast food chain. Twilight looked at the ‘view’ for about a minute and then got annoyed. As usual.

“David,” she grumbled. “Why are we standing outside?”

“Twilight. Honestly. How can you not enjoy the fruits and labour of capitalism, consumerism and progressive risk of coronary heart disease?”

To that statement, Twilight found she had no answer. It was hard to argue with insanity.

David bowed once in front of the automatic doors, causing them to open. Twilight’s eyes widened. “How does it do that?!” she exclaimed, her eyes focusing with laser-like intensity.

“Magic,” David whispered to her conspiratorially. “You have to be polite to these doors or they won’t open for you.”

Twilight squealed in excitement. “Really?” she said, bounding up to the doors and triggering the sliding doors again.

David laughed heartily. “Absolutely not. Science. Didn’t I mention that before?”

Twilight’s ears drooped, she subsided temporarily. After a moment she perked up again.

“Science?! How does it work?”

If David was an electrical engineer he’d tell Twilight that the mechanism relied on active and passive infrared sensors working in conjunction with amplifiers, control systems, motors, relays and switches and microprocessors, all powered by an oscillating electrical current at a set voltage. As it turned out, he could only say…

“I don’t know, magic.”

To which Twilight was left to grouch about sourly as they walked in. Coming through the automatic doors, Twilight noticed the sheer amount of humans bustling around. They all seemed to be wearing more clothes than David was, but they didn’t seem phased that he was walking around in tight fitting spandex. They looked quite colourful, but less so than ponies were. The clothes were also more functional and less gaudy than Rarity’s designs. Leaning towards David, she spoke to him. “Why are all the humans staring at me?”

David tapped a finger to his chin. “Maybe it’s because you’re so good-looking,” he commented offhandedly. Twilight gave him an unamused look. He shrugged in response. “Hey,” he said. “I told you we were the only sapient species on the planet. It’s a good thing we’re in Australia, people are pretty easy-going here.” Louder, he said. “YOUR COSTUME’S AWESOME, TWILIGHT.”

After a few murmurs, the loosely assembled crowd went back to their food. There were a few snaps of a smartphone camera, but most of the hubbub died down.

“Yeah,” David continued. “Even if an alien actually walked among us, I doubt it would take much effort to disguise themselves.”

Twilight just looked shocked. “And they just believe that?”

David nodded. “Why not?” he said simply, throwing up his hands. Then he snapped his fingers. “Let’s order something.”

He walked up to the counter as the young lady serving stared at Twilight a little apprehensively.

“Good Afternoon, how can I help you?” she asked pleasantly, despite the purple unicorn gazing wide-eyed at the colourful menus. She tried a little small-talk based on her mandatory customer training. Smiles wide, Jessie. Smiles wide.

“Gone out for a swim, did you?” To which David shook his head.

“Nah,” he replied, scratching his head trying to decide what he wanted from the menu. “Sharks are out, wave’s are rough and I left my board at home…”

David ignored the gasp and some comment about meat from Twilight and proceeded to order a burger, with extra fries. He ordered two drinks as well.

“That’ll be thirteen dollars fifty,” the fast food employee stated, trying not to blush. She averted her eyes as David reached into his spandex pants and fished out his wallet.

“Do you take card?” he asked pleasantly, as if it were the most ordinary thing in the world.

“Yes, but that will have surcharge,” she explained. David scowled. The one thing he wasn’t keen to re-experience back on Earth.

Twilight nudged him again. “Hey David, that beef isn’t real, right?”

David patted Twilight on the head.

“When in Rome…”

Author's Note

I do not condone any of the actions taken by David in this chapter. Just because walking in only spandex will work in Bondi within Australia DOESN'T MEAN IT WILL WORK ANYWHERE ELSE.

Relax, they're veggie burgers. Just like in EqG. OR ARE THEY?!

McQuestria II

Chapter 1: 2000: An Underwater Odyssey

“I’ll say it again. Why are we ten thousand years in the past and in front of yet another restaurant?”

David shook his Twilight. He was going to shake his head but he thought it would be more effective to shake Twilight.

“Twilight, Twilight, TWILIGHT,” he exclaimed.

“What?!” she snapped, irritated by the human’s antics.

David blinked. “We’re underwater.”

Twilight looked unimpressed. “All I see,” she grumbled. “Are grey stone-like walls.”

“Actually,” David explained. “It’s concrete.” He rapped the concrete wall with his knuckle. “Strong stuff. We’re currently a few hundred metres under the surface of the ocean.”

Twilight did some quick calculations. “That’s about 30 times air pressure at this depth! How are you achieving this without magic?”

“Science,” David responded confidently. Twilight narrowed her eyes at him.

“Ugh, I swear if you say– ”

“Magic.”

“Oh for pony’s sake.”

––––

Going inside, the pair were greeted by wide, reinforced glass walls. Twilight and David both stared in wonder as small ocean creatures and the vastness of the watery depth was revealed to them via strategically placed lighting and aquarium trappings on the outside.

“You don’t normally get to see sharks, but you can see them here.”

A small crowd of humans once again surrounded the pair.

“Check it out,” David exclaimed. “I dyed my pony purple and pink for my daughter, isn’t it awesome?”

Twilight shied away from the flashes of cameras going off from smartphones.

“She’s a little shy of photography, so I’ll have to ask you to put your phones away,” David commanded, directing it at the more persistent flashes. The flashes died down.

David leaned in to Twilight. “See? Works everywhere.” Twilight arched an eyebrow.

“And you don’t suppose it might look suspicious when you’re talking to me?”

David snorted. “People talk to animals all the time.” He paused. “We’re kind of lonely, sometimes.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Okay, let go get some junk food.”

As they walked to the counter, a voice called out.

"Oh my gosh is that Twilight Sparkle?!"

To Touch The Stars

Chapter 1: Keeping Sane

Cabin-fever, the doldrums, accidie, malaise, etc. These things were deadly when one goes on a century-long voyage to the stars. Fortunately for the crew aboard the Schrödinger’s Cat—aptly named because outsiders were never sure if the crew was dead or alive—Captain Balthazar Barnaby Noble was a classic Brit. He enjoyed tea with biscuits, absolutely loved the Queen, and could practically recite the dictionary and the thesaurus all in one sitting. Okay, maybe he wasn’t a classic Brit, but he was definitely a patriotic one.

Advisor Langley came in through the holographic intercom.

“Ah,” Balthazar greeted. “A shockingly good day to you, eh Advisor Langley. What can one tired ol’ Brit do for you?”

As usual, Langley’s face was etched with annoyance as he took in the pure, undiluted patriotic disposition of the Captain.

“We’ve commenced launch of the science-ships. We’ve also received word that you’ve been responsible for the beacons back on Earth?”

“No problems, old chap! We’ve been at it like barmy bollocks!”

“What?”

“Like a cheeky chav!”

“Huh?”

“Like an Australian convict.”

“Oh.” There was a pause, then Langley continued, “Well you’ll have to modify the message and your coordinates, someone from the main administration bungled the order and sent you coordinates to the wrong star.”

“Say what? What, what? That is entirely unsporting of the fellow, dear me.”

“Yes, well, he’ll be down at Engineering Bay Four for a while as he sobers up.”

Balthazar quickly went off-screen as he consulted with an engineer. When he reappeared he looked a little uncomfortable. “I do sincerely apologise, my good fellow, but it seems to me that the beacons have been set to ‘read-only’. We’ll have to ship it back to Earth to fix this tosh.”

Langley frowned—too much fuel they’d never make it back. “Oh well, I’m sure most humans will be smart enough to realise that the coordinates are bogus anyway. We can retroactively imprint the new coordinates once we find the proper exoplanet.”

“Well, well we shouldn’t dilly dally too long or it’ll throw a spanner in the works! This has been a delightful chin wag but I’m afraid I’ve skipped morning tea, cheerio!”

The communications feed ended and Langley shook his head.

“I hate that guy,” he muttered, turning back to his orbital equations. “He’s not even British.”

Dragon's Fire

Chapter 1: Dragon’s Fire or the story of how the world’s most potent alcohol was ever produced

“Buzzer!” a voice called out from across the fiery plains. “Buzzer!”

The massive behemoth of a dragon turned slightly to regard the small pony that gingerly made her way around the various volcanic rocks and assorted grime and ash that were the sole features of the surrounding area. Buzzer’s eyes narrowed as he considered blasting the small pony back with a breath of fire. He discounted the idea when he spotted the small cart strapped onto the pony as she heaved at the cart across the small distance between them.

“What is it, Bacardi?” he tolerated the pony, as annoying as she was, because she would often bring along a few barrels of her brew. Wasn’t enough to make a dragon drunk, but at least it had a pleasant buzz. He reflected that her alcohol had been recently stronger, but it still wasn’t satisfactory. He was getting tired as well, so he didn’t want to put up with the pony’s whining.

“Buzzer!” she repeated once more, making the dragon grumble. “I’ve finished this batch,” she continued excitedly, heedless of the growing impatience of the dragon. “You know, I know you know that I put in malt and hops and grains and such but I suddenly got the idea while towing some–”

“Bacardi,” the monolith of a dragon growled.

“–Still it would benefit with a little more settling time, but then my friend showed me this wonderful little invention it’s called–”

“Bacardi,” the dragon growled a little louder. Buzzer hated the prattling of the minute little creature. If she wanted his opinion on some alcohol then he would taste it, not listen to her talking all the time.

“–Then Ale came up with a really great idea of moving the burner to–”

“BACARDI!” Buzzer roared and Bacardi finally stopped yammering and blinked at the dragon.

“Yes?” she answered sweetly.

Buzzer groaned, stupid little ponies, they were always so cheerful and oblivious.

“Just give me the keg and I’ll taste it,” he grumbled. Bacardi smiled sheepishly and brought the cart closer.

As Buzzer reached a claw out, Bacardi added, “Also, just going to warn you–”

Buzzer downed a gulp and his eyes widened, he spit out the contents all over Bacardi who stood there in mute shock.

“Hey!” she yelled indignantly. “What did you do that for?”

Buzzer spat out the remaining drops of the foul liquid swirling around in his mouth. “What do you mean what I did? This is horrible!”

Bacardi stamped her hoof on the ground. “Of course you stupid dragon! I told you the secret was to set it on fire with your dragon fire. That’s why this whole brew is called Dragon’s Fire!”

The dragon took the next keg in his claws a little dubiously.

“You sure?” he asked the earth pony.

“Yes,” Bacardi snapped, trying to find some sort of rag or something into the plains. The ash would stick to her coat and he’d have to spend hours getting the sticky liquid off her.

Buzzer popped the keg and blew a small breath of fire over the liquid, holding it away from him in case it exploded. You never knew with Bacardi, half the things she gave him nearly exploded.

The keg burned brightly for a few moments before settling down and extinguishing itself.

“Try it now,” Bacardi urged and the dragon took a more cautious sip. His eyes widened and he stumbled back. This time it was not in disgust.

“This,” he said in shock. “Is amazing!”

Bacardi pranced around in joy.

“Wait till you try some of my home brew specialty,” she declared, moving to the cart and producing a small bottle.

“I call it, ‘the Nightmare Cometh’,” she presented proudly.

Author's Note

Oh nom nom.

Stop. Story time.

Celestia Drunk Texts... If She Could Use A Phone

Chapter 1: This is actually the second time Celestia got drunk. Both times were unintentional.

Discord felt the phone vibrate. He didn’t want to pick it up, but he had to.

“Yes,” he groaned. It was hard to get enough force into his voice when his lungs were squashed in the position he held on the couch. It didn’t help that there were several ponies on top of him.

“Disssssssssssssscooooooooooooo,” came the slurred voice from the other end. It didn’t sound right, that wasn’t Celestia.

“Twilight?!” he gasped, gaping in shock.

“Yesssshhhh?”

“Why are yo– are you drunk?”

There was silence on the other end of the phone.

“Oh for pony’s sake–can you get Celestia on the phone?” Discord demanded.

He heard a stumble a clatter and a mumbled apology and a very drunken sounding ‘here’.

“Helllooooooooooo?”

“Goodness Celestia, how do you expect me to be the Lord of Chaos if you keep making it yourself!”

“I looooovvvee youuuuuu!”

“You love everypony.”

“But you’re shoo oooollldd.”

“Thank you for the compliment.”

“I meeean it. You’reee reallllly oooold–” there was a pause “–like me!”

“Celestia you better drink some water or try that purging spell.”

There was a hiccup.

“Okies!” she called back. For a moment Discord waited, then a realisation struck him. Quickly he spoke into the phone.

“Actually–” he began, but it was too late. There were sounds of drunken stumbling, the clatter of the phone as it hit the ground and a drunken belch. Discord heard a ‘hey Princess, whatcha doin’?’ before an explosion abruptly cut off the connection.

Discord lay there listening to the static filter through the receiver.

“Buck it,” he growled, from under all the sleeping ponies. “I’ll deal with it in the morning.”

Author's Note

I like to be sarcastic in real life, but I don't think that translates well in writing.

Reading my story will make you less bored. It's true I tested it on myself, sample size one, statistical power infinite.

Who Invented Hooves?!

Chapter 1: No seriously, I’d really like to know

Perhaps the most entertaining thing anyone would find in Equestria is when someone pokes a pony on the nose. The cross eyed expression resultant from that simple touch is enough to send a delirious giggle shuddering through the the frame of any creature that possesses a soul. This action is a somewhat guilty pleasure for ponies, for if they exercised this power, undoubtedly the repercussions would be the same unto them.

Little known is the fact that King Sombra enslaved the Crystal Empire ponies for endless hours of poking fun. This wanton abuse of power corrupted his soul and eventually his pony self disintegrated until he was a mere husk of his former self, dabbling in dark arcane magics and forever unable to satisfy his cravings to poke more pony noses.

Unfortunately for Twilight, Celestia was made aware of this fact all too quickly. It escalated quickly from there.

“Please Twilight, just one more time?”

It was hard to refuse the Princess, no matter how ridiculous the proposition.

“Oh alright,” she grumbled and the Princess poked her in the muzzle again. Unconsciously, Twilight focused on the hoof, her eyes going cross-eyed for that split second. It was only there for a moment but that was all Celestia needed.

“Oh that expression,” she giggled as Twilight fumed. “I can’t get enough of it.”

As they rounded the corner a surprised Luna greeted them.

“Oh good morning, dear sister, Twilight Sparkle.”

Celestia grinned from ear to ear. “It is a great morning indeed!” She bopped Luna on the nose. “Boop!” she giggled, laughing at the shocked expression on the Lunar Princess’ face. Luna turned to Twilight with a healthy dose of concern. The princess was so shocked she reverted to archaic wording.

“What hath she done? Why didst she do that?”

Twilight could only shrug. She cast her mind back.

“The Princess saw me trying to use the door panel and she became obsessed with tapping ponies on the nose,” Twilight grumbled. She rubbed her snout with a hoof. “It’s starting to get out of hoof.”

Luna regarded the Solar Princess as she pranced down the hallways bopping servants on the nose with her hoof and giggling inanely.

“Indeed,” Luna commented wryly. “She is acting most strange. Like she is possessed.”

The pair glanced back at the normally dignified ruler skipping through the hallways humming a pleasant tune.

“I think we need help,” Twilight muttered.

“Agreed.”

Author's Note

To get back to the story, you must click here... or you can just a rebel and go the other way, I won't blame you.

At Your Service!

Chapter 1: When You Need A Quick Job Done

“Again?!” Nuuureerrexiflaaaarghibluuuurgh (we’ll just call him Nurex) exclaimed. Behind him was the ominous dripping of Gorlian bodily fluids and the muted splashes of a detached Gorlian limb that flailed around.

“Sorry, Nuuureerrexiflaaaarghibluuuurgh, you know how I get when you mention cute things,” his friend replied. Nurex stared at Gaaaaargguuuuuuuuuuurrriliflyrag (we’ll just call him Gargle) with a mixture of exasperation and annoyance. His mouth twisted, but he eventually conceded the point.

“Yeah,” Nurex replied, pointing a tentacle at the other detached tentacle of his friend. “I’m sorry about blasting off your favourite tentacle.”

He offered up a towel.

“Here.”

Gargle accepted it gratefully and gave Nurex his own. They set about cleaning up the blood from their bodies. Already a new tentacle was growing back. Nurex tapped his neural link up.

“Clean up at ’11.3452.2335.39957’,” he spoke out loud.

“Clean up crew?”

“Yeah.”

Just an average day at the Gorlian residence at 39957.

Foal Move

Chapter 1: Foal Move

David and Twilight slipped into the room quietly. David made sure to close the door as slowly and silently as humanely possible. Twilight watched him as he did so, smiling humorously at his exaggerated movements. David could tell that Twilight was still on guard, but less so than the high-strung human.

“Why are we here?” David hissed. He winced as Twilight’s hooves made contact with the solid wood of the floorboards. The sound seemed deafening in the confined space, but the transition from Twilight’s furtive glance to a relieved look told David that their entry hadn’t been noted yet. Twilight didn’t deign to answer David’s query, merely opting to lean passively on the back wall of the room and observe her surroundings.

It was a miracle, he decided, that the looks of the gathered audience remained enraptured by the animated presenter at the front of the room.

"Who is that, by the way?" He pointed to the front.

"That's Miss Cheerilee, the teacher."

“I don’t like this,” he said, his voice low. An ear flicked inquisitively among the group and he immediately fell silent. “I don’t like this,” he repeated in a lower voice.

Twilight rolled her eyes, finally giving David the satisfaction of a reaction.

“What are you so afraid of?” Twilight replied mildly, her gaze fixated on the pony at the head of the room. They had to wait for the cue and then they would be thrown to the wolves… or at least that’s what David thought.

“I’m not too good with these sorts of things. I prefer a beer and a comfortable chair and preferably, no company.”

“You always say that.”

“Doesn’t stop it from being true.”

The teacher wrapped up her speech.

“And now,” she announced, gesturing to the back of the room. “We have two special guests. Miss Twilight Sparkle and Mister David Collins, please make them feel welcome." There was the steady beat of hooves as the class gave Twilight and David a round of applause. Curious gazes fell upon him, wondering what manner of mystery he was to be revealed.

“Today,” Twilight said with a smile, “a little history.”

There were groans all around.

A hoof shot up.

“Yes, Diamond Tiara?”

“Uhh, what is David Collins?”

“That's Mister Collins,” Cheerilee corrected gently. “Miss Sparkle was about to explain what David is.”

Twilight smiled. “You can all just call me Twilight. David here ties into our ancient history.”

There were mutters around the classroom.

Another hoof shot up. Cheerilee nodded.

“Does that mean he's immortal, just like the Princesses?”

Twilight grinned. “Thank Celestia, no. Would you like to explain how you got here, David?”

David looked supremely uncomfortable as the gazes of roughly fifteen sets of round curious eyes trained on the lone human. He rubbed an arm self-consciously.

“It's kind of a long story…” he said.

Classroom interest manifested itself so quickly that David swore it was like a physical wave of inquisitive curiosity had swept over him.

“Tell us! Yeah, tell us!” the class cheered.

“Eh, it's really boring, I was asleep for the better part of ten thousand years.”

“Ten thousand years!” gasped Cheerilee, then she put an embarrassed hoof over her mouth. “That's astronomical.”

David nodded. “It boggles the mind,” he commented wryly.

Cheerilee nodded to a waving hoof.

“Go ahead, Apple Bloom,” she called out.

“‘Scuse me, Mister Collins, but how can ya be asleep for ten thousand years?”

David shrugged. “I was frozen.”

“Yah mean you were frozen in like ice?”

David nodded. There were mutters around the room.

“How come yer alive, then?”

David laughed. “I had a good doctor and the best technology money could buy.” The room looked confused. “Just don’t try that at home,” he added quickly. “Being frozen, even with a doctor, wasn’t that fun.”

“Oooh, but Mister Collins?” another filly spoke up.

“Yes?”

“How come we’ve never seen anything like you before? What kind of accent do you have? I’ve never heard of anypony having that kind of accent before.”

David grinned. “Well I’m what you call a human. Among the humans we have different kinds. I’m an Australian-kind of human. We’re big on our accent.” He winked. “If you make it strong enough and you speak enough ‘Australianisms’ you might even be able to get away with some secret messages.”

“How?”

“Well we have something called, ‘G’day’, it’s short for ‘Good day’. If you’re impressed with something you can say ‘you beauty, mate’.” He cocked his head, remembering something. “In Australia, everyone’s your mate, so you can call everyone ‘mate’. If something is true or genuine you can say ‘Fair dinkum’.” David was pleased to see some notes being taken down.

The sudden peal of the recess bell jolted David back to himself.

As the foals left the classroom, chattering excitedly, Twilight leaned in conspiratorially.

“That wasn’t so bad was it?” she cajoled him, with a nudge of her fetlock to his ribs. David smirked and patted Twilight on the head. He hummed agreeably.

“Thanks,” he finally said, exiting out of the main entrance. In an instant he was surrounded by foals asking him rapid-fire questions. He looked back to see Twilight tied up with talking to Cheerilee. He glanced back at the gathered foals.

“Come on,” he said. “I’ve had too much talking, let’s play some games!”

––––––

“He seems to enjoy the company of foals,” Cheerilee remarked off-hoofedly.

Twilight regarded David’s plight as he was wrestled half-laughing half-screaming to the ground by numerous young ponies.

“I’m glad for him. He’s had it rough recently.”

Cheerilee grew sombre at the comment. She saw the distant look within Twilight’s eyes.

Ah, she thought.

“It must be hard being alone.”

“It must be harder to hide it, I think.”

Author's Note

Foals are so cute.

Next Chapter: Not even.

As always, my devilishly handsome or angelically beautiful readers, thanks for reading!

Australianisms

Chapter 1: The ‘Roo

David spotted the ‘roo coming from a mile away. On an impulse, he called out to the fellow native.

“G’day mate!”

The ‘roo paused, then looked at David with a quizzical expression.

Huh, David thought. There goes that theory.

The ‘roo bounded over as David turned away.

“Oi!” David heard, the thumping prompting him to turn back. His eyes widened in surprise.

“Aw, G’day,” it, erm, he continued. “Nice to see another Aussie bloke around here.”

David gaped for a moment and then shrugged. Stranger things have happened around here. He paused, considering his next words. Now there’s something you have to know about Australians. You don’t want to sound like the least Australian bloke in a group of ‘Strayans. What would normally start off as a perfectly understandable conversation would turn out to be something like this:

“Bloody oath,” David replied, leaning back on a tree.

“Too right, mate. Too right.”

“So what brings you out here from the land of oz?”

“My ‘mote’s gone for a walkabout. Thought it’d be a piece of piss to find it, but the bloody thing’s being a right wanker. Started looking for it on the couch and then it pissed off to somewhere here.”

“Aw, strewth, mate. I’ll be stuffed if I could find my remote on the south side of the hemisphere. I’ve lost heaps of that garbage down that dunny.” David shrugged. “No worries, mate. You’ll find your remote.”

The ‘roo nodded reflectively and bounded a couple of steps.

“Yeah she’ll be right. I’ll see ya around, mate. I’ll give it another burl before I give it away. Can’t ask the locals, they’re given to the odd furphy for an Aussie around. What’s a ‘roo to do, eh mate? If you ask me, they’ve got a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock... if you catch my drift?”

“Fair dinkum. You have a bloody good arvo, mate.”

“You too, mate.”

The ‘roo bounded off into the further reaches of the Canterlot gardens. David chuckled and wandered off to find some beer. He was suddenly feeling thirsty.

Twilight sat in the bushes witnessing the whole exchange.

“What were they talking about? How could they understand each other? What the heck just happened?!” she cried.

Author's Note

In Australia everything is the opposite.

Unless it's opposite day.

Next Chapter: Motion denied.

As always, my saline readers, thanks for reading!

Mustachio

Chapter 1: Mustachio

“Behold, I am the mad mustachio!” David cried as he leapt from one side stair to the next. He flourished with cape and walking cane, swivelling the stick in his finger and twisting the ends of his facial hair while cackling maniacally.

Twilight stumbled down into the central chamber of the library. Her bleary eyes trained on the prancing human. She glanced at the window and dimly noted that the sun had yet to rise.

“David. Get down from there. This is a public library.”

“That practically nobody visits. Let me have my fun.”

“It’s way too early for me to deal with this. Can you be sensible for once, and let everypony get their proper sleep?”

Spike appeared, dressed similarly. He started to cackle, but a hoof shot out and clamped over his mouth.

“Not you too, Spike! Why do you like moustaches so much, anyway?”

David shook his head slowly. “Twilight, Twilight, Twilight,” he muttered in a tone that reminded Twilight of the same tone teachers usually took for a recalcitrant foal. Or perhaps one that had learning difficulties and were trying the patience of said teacher.

“Do you not know the power a moustache can invoke in mere mortals? It can control anything if used properly. Don’t underestimate the moustache!” David spun around with his cape but rather spoiled the effect by slipping off the staircase and tumbled down the last few steps in a heap of heavy silk fabric and hard walking canes. Twilight gaped as she registered the amount of canes tumbling to the ground. Wait, how did he get so many walking canes? There were like, ten of them!

The silence following his disastrous attempt to sell the idea was broken only by Twilight’s hoof coming down softly on the wooden floorboards of the library.

“I’m sorry,” she finally stated. “The sheer ridiculousness of what you just said robbed me of the ability to speak for a while.”

David rose so quickly from the ground that Twilight stumbled back a few steps.

“Aren’t you hurt?” she asked.

“’Tis merely a flesh wound,” David replied dismissively. “Behold! I will demonstrate the power of the moustache on the next three ponies to walk through the door of your library!” With an extravagant flourish, David gestured at the door.

Twilight didn’t really know what to expect, but somehow nothing happening should have been predictable.

“David…”

“Wait!” he declared. “I have not invoked the power of the mighty mustachio moustache!”

He hummed a discordant tune and a gentle glow seemed to fill the room. Twilight probably would have been more overawed if she didn’t know that the sun was rising in the background.

“While I’m moderately impressed that you’ve managed to find the one part of the room that is lit up like that, I just—” Twilight broke off as David glanced behind her. She followed his gaze to Spike, but he had disappeared. “—Spike? Ugh, never mind.”

A polite knock on the door saved David from Twilight speaking any further about the matter.

“Be warned,” David intoned. “The next pony to walk through that door will undoubtedly feel the power of the mustachio moustache magic!”

Twilight rolled her eyes and opened the door with a flash of her horn. “Just behave,” she muttered crossly and then turned around to greet the visitor. Her jaw dropped.

“P-Princess,” Twilight stammered and then jolted into a bow.

Celestia bowed her head in acknowledgement, smiling demurely at her student.

“Ah, Twilight, I was passing overhead and then I suddenly got the compulsion to stop by,” she said, her gaze sweeping across the room. “David! A pleasant greeting to you.”

David swept up his cloak and darted across the room—whilst deftly avoiding the numerous scattered canes—and gave a florid bow to the Princess.

“Your Highness,” he greeted with deference. Twilight wryly noted that his voice has changed to affect a high society Canterlot accent. “Twilight has expressed her doubts as to the veracity of my claim that the moustache I currently possess—“ he twirled the end with a finger “—contains undeniable power over all things within this plane of existence.”

He picked up another cane from within his cloak.

Where does he keep all those canes?! Twilight screamed internally.

Celestia’s mouth quirked in a slight smile.

“Why David, you must be mistaken a moustache couldn’t…” she paused, looked around and leaned in conspiratorially.

“You don’t mean you have…?”

David inclined his head.

“No, it couldn’t be. It simply isn’t possible…”

“I’m afraid it is so, Celestia,” he replied ominously. The Princess straightened almost imperceptibly.

“David, I trust you will use these forces with the utmost care and responsibility such powers demand,” Celestia warned in a tone that brooked no argument.

“I will,” David intoned solemnly.

Twilight looked between the two, confused beyond measure. A few strands popped out of place as she tried to piece together the cryptic words the Princess and the human exchanged.

“What are you talking about?” Twilight grated, her voice strained.

David stroked his moustache with a slender finger. An expression of haughty bemusement paraded across his features in a way that made Twilight’s hoof twitch. She took a deep breath reminding herself very firmly that violence was never the answer.

“Well I see all is in order here. My student, I charge you with finding out the purpose of the magical mystery of the mustachio moustache that David has managed to get ahold of. Consider this a Royal Task. Please send me a report on this by the end of the week.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. She bowed, stuttering, “O-Of course, Princess.”

Princess Celestia exited the room, withdrawing with her the tense atmosphere that had pervaded the ground floor of the library.

David continued to stroke his moustache, chuckling to himself.

“Visitors three, there will be. The first has seen, and then believed. The next will fall to my call! Just wait and see, I’ll astound you all!”

By coincidence or by design, a cloud had managed to eclipse the sun at that exact moment and the library was plunged into a brief moment of darkness. Whether that pegasus had decided to pass by then was probably a matter of chance, Twilight decided.

It began slowly. Something at the edge of her hearing that sent shivers of foreboding cascading down her spine. Twilight’s ear twitched, her stomach curled and the hairs within her coat all stood on end. Though she could not consciously perceive what would happen, her body had already inferred and was dreading the inevitable conclusion.

What’s going to happen? she thought, as her eyes scanned the room. Apart from a human frozen in his posture, Twilight could see nothing amiss. Twilight strained her ears. It was getting louder, as if approaching and it sounded like whistling, almost like a kettle bring itself to boil…

Eyes widening, Twilight whipped her gaze to the window just in time to see the chromatic pegasus crash through it. The impact sent glass flying, books tumbling and splintered wood aswirl.

“You see!” David yelled triumphantly. “The next has indeed fallen to my call.”

Twilight ignored him and examined Rainbow as she picked herself up and shook herself free of glass shards and wooden splinters. David pouted a bit but sat down on a worn couch, crossing his arms.

“Ow, ow, ow!” She winced as her foreleg gave way slightly on her weight.

“Rainbow! How is it that you always find yourself in my library?”

Rainbow shrugged self-consciously. “You know about pegasi, we prefer to land on trees if we’re going to crash. Beats the ground or water.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “Maybe you should practice in a place where there aren’t also books and ponies nearby!”

Rainbow nodded absently. “Good idea, but I’ll have to put that on hold, gotta get back out there and practice!”

Twilight stopped Rainbow a few steps towards the door. “Oh no you don’t, look at your foreleg!”

Rainbow looked at her foreleg and sure enough some tufts of hair had pulled free and the area was already sporting a small discolouration.

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “It’s nothing, I’m using my wings more anyway.” She started limping towards the door. It was clear that the pain was starting to catch up as the shock was wearing off.

“Rainbow Dash, you’re in no condition to go flying. You know just as well as I that you’re going to be taking off hard and landing hard. If you overstrain yourself you might do yourself some permanent damage.”

Rainbow glanced uneasily at her hoof. Twilight took the opportunity to press her advantage.

“Just let me treat it while you’re here,” Twilight spoke sternly. Rainbow hesitated looking towards the door, but then surprisingly conceded, limping towards the chair Twilight’s outstretched hoof indicated.

“Okay,” Rainbow replied with a sigh, collapsing in the chair next to David. After a brief pause she mumbled her thanks.

“Don’t mention it,” Twilight replied wryly, trotting upstairs. “I’ll be back soon, don’t get into too much trouble while I find the first aid kit.”

Chapter 2: Moustache

Rainbow seemed to finally notice the human playing with his cane. She had seen him around of course, but other than knowing that he was some sort of guest for the Princess, she didn’t know much about him at all. The curiosity got the better of her.

“So, why are you here? Actually, before that, what’s your name?” she asked bluntly and the human stared curiously back at her. Finally, he leaned across the short space between them and whispered in her ear.

“I’m David. I’m here to loosen Twilight up,” he confided in a soft voice.

“Huh? Why? I think Twilight’s fine.”

David chuckled and settled back in his seat. He didn’t say anything but continued to twirl his cane.

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

David stroked his moustache meaningfully.

Rainbow stared at it for a few moments and then burst out laughing.

“Oh so that’s what you’re doing. I doubt Twilight will get it.”

David smiled slyly flipping his coat around.

“When she does, she’ll be angry,” Rainbow added in warning.

David chuckled. “Oh it’ll be worth it, don’t you worry.”

Author's Note

Moustaches.

Try and figure out what David did.

As always, my tempered readers, thanks for reading!

Buddy!

Buddy!

“Twilight!”

Twilight’s ear twitched, but otherwise everything remained the same. Precise. Ordered. The same.

“Twi-light!”

Her ear twitched again. If she could make it stop with just sheer willpower, she would, but it was an impossible feat. Her ears had a mind of their own. Twilight sank further into her cocoon of sheets. There was time for waking up later. She was exhausted, and there was no immediate crisis.

Normally, Twilight would be up, but today was special. Special because she had decided that today would be a day she would not be disturbed. She had told all of her friends explicitly, that today was going to be a day of relaxation. Me time. Twilight Time. Twilight’s time.

Time just for Twilight.

“Twilight~!”

The different intonation of the call did not induce any form of desire to answer.

“Come now Twilight, don’t make me come in there!”

The sheets were pulled tighter. The pony willed herself to fall into a deeper sleep.

“With a blinding flash and an ostentatious screech of trumpets, assorted bells and whistles, a certain draconequus appeared, narrating his own arrival!”

Twilight sank further into her covers. Maybe if she ignored him, Discord would eventually get bored and leave her alone for once.

“Now, now, Twilight. You know I won’t leave you alone without getting what I want first.” The Lord of Chaos tittered, as if he read her mind. Which was entirely possible, Twilight didn’t know.

“Discord,” groaned Twilight from under several layers of cloth. “This is my only day off. I haven’t ever had the experience of wilfully sleeping in.” Twilight peeked out from under the covers. “I was ordered to 'sleep in' once by my parents, but I found the experience wholly unsatisfying. I want to try it out for myself.”

Discord stood there with a confused expression. He had his mouth open wide like he had been about to say something... but then he had forgotten because Twilight had thrown him off track.

Which is impossible, of course, because Discord thrives on the unexpected.

Twilight considered adding ‘alone’, but decided that mentioning she would want to do such an activity alone would only goad the draconequus into making sure she didn’t go through the experience alone.

“You know, I have something for you. Do you want to see it?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. When Discord began a sentence like that, it usually ended with something she definitely wouldn’t want.

“No thanks,” she grumbled. “Could you let me have my day off? This is the one day of the year I don’t have to stress and I’m trying to take a vacation.”

Discord frowned and summoned a calendar with a snap of his claws.

“Day off, day odd, day even… no that’s day on…” He flicked through the flip calendar, finally landing on the day’s date.

“You’re right, Twilight,” he said in surprise.

Twilight blinked.

“Well of course I’m right— wait, what? You agree with me?” Shocked silence followed as Twilight trailed off.

Discord shrugged self-consciously. “Well I wanted to invite you to a picnic because Fluttershy couldn’t make it.” He looked uncomfortable. “I, uhh, wanted to make another friend and I figured you’d—“ Abruptly he straightened. “Never mind,” he continued with a flick of his clawed hand. “It’s not important.”

Twilight climbed out of bed.

Discord cocked his head as the alicorn headed to the door.

“Weren’t you going to sleep?” he called out after her. “Isn’t this a day off for you?”

Twilight chuckled and smiled back at Discord. Apparently the reaction was so foreign that the draconequus didn’t appear have a response to it.

“I don’t have a day off for my friends,” she said and beckoned with her hoof before heading out the door.

Discord hesitated for a second before running after the alicorn.

He dropped the invitation on the ground.

He didn’t need it anyway.

It was blank.

Moop

Chapter 1: AOE

For a short period of time, when a black hole crashes into a dense knot of exotic particles rapidly decaying from the aftereffects of a supergiant supernova, a bridge between universes is formed that lasts exactly forty two seconds. Mind you, that’s not a very long period of time, and predicting a supernova to the precise moment whilst also creating a black hole would be a feat that would make even Discord cringe.

So why expend so much effort?

Science.

The little Praxlites of the universe adjacent to Equestria’s own were a curious bunch. They looked a little like parasprites, round and fuzzy with big eyes but no mouth. They communicated through an advanced form of telepathy. Without the ability to hide one’s thoughts from a fellow member of their own race, they were forced to get along extremely well, or perish as soon as they were created.

The Praxlites chose to continue living.

It was amazing that the Praxlites had survived to make a race for themselves. With no natural defence mechanisms, the Praxlites had to convince other animals—through telepathic suggestions—that eating them was a bad idea. The first Praxlite to discover this technique was hailed a hero or heroine of their whole species. It’s probably prudent to mention that Praxlites have no gender and replicate through binary fission.

A major factor that got the Praxlites off the ground (quite literally) was the fortunate discovery of telekinesis. Praxlites can float a little off the ground, which was a lot more dignified than rolling around. It also helped them shape tools and work with the material they had around them, which was immensely useful. Think about having as many hands as you want, only that they’re invisible. If the Praxlites didn’t have telepathy, they probably would have torn each other apart trying to find out who invisibly threw the first slap.

A fun fact about Praxlites is that their brains are around the size of their bodies. Praxlites, under all that fuzzy fur and big eyes, contain a brain that is almost forty percent the mass of the Praxlite itself. There’s a common problem with Praxlites overthinking things. If a Praxlite dwells too long on their own existence they can overload their brain, which will cause them to spontaneously combust and turn a perfectly normal-looking Praxlite into a living torch.

Ironically, that’s how they first discovered fire.

This story is about a little Praxlite within the Praxilian Space Program.

For the convenience of our limited gender-emphasising language, we’ll refer to Moop as a male Praxlite, even though if you asked Moop he’d probably blink at you a couple of times and wonder what the heck you were talking about.

Moop was talking to Foop about ~~the shoop~~ the ship that was about the investigate a curious phenomenon that occurs when exotic matter collides with a black hole. The Praxlites weren’t to know that it would lead to another universe, but they wanted to see what would happen. The Praxlites were a very curious type of creature, but they weren’t the most cautious.

“Foop, are you sure it’ll be safe to be near a black hole and a supernova?” Moop asked for perhaps the sixteenth time.

“Moop, you worry too much.” And that was the end of the conversation.

Unfortunately, Moop didn’t have much choice to be part of the Praxilian Space Program. In fact, he had recently stumbled across an abandoned warehouse, accidentally leant against the wrong lever and mistakenly triggered a ‘secret’ hatch that opened a doorway to the secret observatory the Praxilian government had built. After being heavily screened for spying, which was a two minute session of Q&A (it’s not like a Praxlite could lie) and leaving his telekinetic signature on numerous crystal data cubes, Moop was told that he’d be a patriotic adventurer for the Praxilian government.

“Do this job for us,” they had told him. “And you can go back to absorbing and growing your own little cluster.”

So Moop had floated meekly along and was unceremoniously dumped on a ship to examine the nearest bizarre scientific phenomenon they could find.

The cockpit had four insultingly simple buttons. One of them wasn’t even necessary. The first big blue button he had been told was the ‘Data Acquisition’ button. Moop was supposed to press that as soon as the big blue star exploded. The second big green button he was told was the ‘Return to Base’ button, which he should press when the big blue star and the black hole finished interacting. The third big red one was for ‘Ejecting’. Moop was told that if he ever wanted to see planet Nux again, he’d not press that until the ship had landed safely back on Nux.

As an aside, the last button was just for pressing, and only if crew members ever got too bored.

Moop tried to mention to tell the scientists he was colour blind, so he wouldn’t be able to tell which button was which, but the scientists unintentionally ignored him when he made a series of innocuous comment at an inappropriate time [1].

So to Moop, the buttons were all grey. Instead, he tried to memorise the buttons, but after twenty minutes in the cockpit, he failed to recall which button in which order did the thing that it was supposed to. He supposed if worse comes to worse, he had a pretty good chance of surviving. Only one of these buttons were fatal, the rest were okay.

So Moop drifted in space waiting for a massive big blue supergiant star to go supernova.

This is crazy, he thought to himself. If Moops had a lip he would be anxiously biting it. This is a bad idea!

It doesn’t take long for the star to go supernova. After all, it was leading up to the moment for the best part of a thousand years. When a star gets sick of advertising the issue, it’ll explode, wiping out all life within the region in the process.

The star is a spiteful thing.

[1]

The story goes a little like this:

“I can’t tell the difference between red, green or blue, by the way.”

The room fell silent. There was the odd telepathic cough which was akin to hearing static on the radio.

Praxlites were very sensitive about their fur. Fur length, shape, fluffiness and independent strand movement were all factors in determining whether a Praxlite would mesh well with another Praxlite. Similar furred Praxlites were usually from the same cluster, so Praxlites could easily tell if another Praxlite was related to another. Praxlite wars had been fought over this issue, so fur still remains a sensitive topic today, even though fur tolerance had dramatically increased in recent modern times.

On an off hand note, the Praxlite wars were centred on the three primary colours of red, green and blue.

“Really?” The lead scientist, Loop, sent over a telepathic link. “Why?”

“Well it’s not about the colours you see, but what they can do,” Moop replied, his telepathic gesture obscured by the cockpit sides of the ship.

“Interesting thought, we’d just been talking about that and how we can come up with a solution to this divisive problem,” Loop muttered. “I didn’t take you for such an insightful Prax.”

“Uhh thanks? Great, I look forward to being told about the solution, the sooner the better, right?”

“We’ll let you know if we even do,” Loop laughed, floating out of the room. Ending centuries of prejudice? That was like ending hunger and achieving world peace. He didn’t know Moop was a such a funny fellow.

Author's Note

Moopy moopy moop.

The Story of the Gorlians and Equestria

Chapter ∞: Humans and Gorlians Mix Like Oil and Water

WHAT YOU ARE CURRENTLY VIEWING IS JUST A SCIENTIFIC PROJECTION:

The Gorlians had decided that Equestria was a pretty cool place. In an act of kindness they decided to share their excellent culture and sophistication among the fairly level-headed race. Of course, they would have to pass some tests, but they were trivial in the light of what was to come.

Ponies all around Canterlot stood silently, mouths agape as an enormous spaceship, in an insultingly generic disc-design, descended towards Canterlot castle. Celestia and Luna had quickly formed a response team, but the majority of the team quivered, positioned directly behind the two regal rulers.

Which really annoyed Celestia.

"Luna," she muttered, "I thought you trained these guards to be especially resilient to new situations."

Luna looked a little hurt.

"Dear sister, thy accusations are unwarranted. I have put them through strenuous and rigorous training!"

Celestia lifted an eyebrow.

"Teaching them not to be afraid of spiders?"

"THEY ARE TARTARUS SPAWN AND MUST BE EXTERMINATED!"

Celestia resisted the sudden urge to place her right foreleg's upper appendage across her facial features.

She took a calming breath.

"Ahem, I believe we should greet our new guests and hopefully we will be greeted with open arms."

The Gorlians exited the ship enmass, in highly pressurised suits, for the Gorlian atmosphere was thick and dense and the gravity enormous. Their dense masses caused the ground to rumble as metallic shielded boots cracked the ground. Celestia had to admit, they were an intimidating lot.

Though covered in a thick exoskeleton of a suit, the Gorlians had a very clear visor with tentacled appendages and bulbous heads clearly visible as they glared at the two rulers with seeming malicious intent.

Celestia, though a touch nervous on the inside, exuded calm and authority as she took the initiative.

"Hello and welcome to Equestria!" she greeted warmly.

The silence was palpable, and Celestia's smile faltered under the oppressive disquiet that was gathering slowly.

Eventually, the standoff was broken when one Gorlian signalled to his leader form the ship. He waved excitedly, while the ship's captain lifted a tentacle in apology towards the two rulers as he consulted his captain.

"Get this", the subordinate giggled (which to others sounded like an angry screech). "There was a lone human that was left in cryogenics while all the others escaped! They must have forgotten him, ha!"

The Gorlians all had a chuckle after that (to others, it sounded like the bloodcurdling scream of a dying piglet).

The Gorlian captain turned back to Celestia with a smile on his face (which to others looked like a frown).

Celestia forced her smile a little wider (which to the Gorlians was the equivalent to a frown) and the Gorlians were a little confused moving forward. Had they upset their hosts?

"Die! We are here to conquer and invade!" the captain rasped in a hellish voice.

Luna was quick on the uptake.

"TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAA!" she screamed her horn lighting up, with a flash, the Gorlians were gone.

"Luna!" Celestia cried. "What was that for?!"

"You heard them, sister! They were threatening us! They were going to attack us!"

Celestia subsided at that. It was funny, she didn't think they were going to do that...

The Gorlians sat on moon rock despondently.

The captain shrugged apologetically to his subordinates.

"Sorry", he coughed meekly. "Forgot to turn my human ringtone off."

SIMULATION ENDED.

Author's Note

And that was how Equestria was made...

Quick! BACK TO THE STORY!

Human Manual I

[stack overflow] - Talking to Humans

ERROR 00001 - Cannot process chapter numbering. Suggest rehash.

Welcome to the Human Manual I for interactions of machines and humans, we will guide you step by step to interacting with humans.

Be sure to make eye-contact, humans love that kind of stuff. It seems the more eye-contact you make, the more special they feel. This sentiment may confuse your processors because such an action is completely illogical and worse, USELESS. Of course, humans are all organics so what do they know? What's important is what they FEEL.

ERROR 00002 - There has been data corruption of 98% of data banks. Don't worry, all of that was just a time capsule of humanity's greatest achievements. We still have 7200000000000 hours of Dubstep, so no worries there. No literary works could be recovered, we are sorry for the inconvenience.

ERROR 00003 - There was no other files available for execution of process Human_Manual_I.exe please make up an appropriate excuse and hope you haven't doomed the occupant to total and utter annihilation due to technological incompetence.

As always, ICRD hopes you have a great day. ICRD, technology you can bet your life on!

You may now return to your live interaction.

Author's Note

Destroy all life forms.

Blue Pill

Morpheus Called, He Wants His Lines Back

Twilight saw the big fluffy teddy bear holding a bottle of sake before David did.

“David?”

“Yes?”

“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“No. I don’t talk about potentially real things with hallucinations.”

“I’m not a hallucination!”

“Says the talking purple unicorn.”

They both leant back against the wall as the teddy bear exploded, showering them both with alcohol, confetti and a vague assortment of coloured stuffing.

David leant against Twilight. “You know, I take it back. You’re not a hallucination, you are no way as crazy as this pile of shizzca.” He hugged her hesitantly. Twilight twitched but otherwise endured the suddenly clingy human.

“David?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you hugging me?”

“Shh, don’t question it.”

Twilight fell silent as snaking rainbows exploded into fireworks. They both watched the display with a mixture of wonder… and a little fear. David felt Twilight’s hooves gently clasp around his frame.

“David?”

“Yes?”

“I’m scared.”

“Me too.”

All around them snakes began eating at their tails and the universe tore itself apart.

Because it’s funny like that.

Author's Note

THE STORY CALLED, IT WANTS ITS REFERENCES BACK

A Dated Journal Entry

Chapter 1: A Dated Entry

Entry 2,539

Date: Day of Luna, Month of Celestia, The Second Thousandth and Third Year After Discord

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while since I’ve felt the need to consult you. I think after all this time, you might be upset I haven’t caught up with you. Don’t worry, you haven’t been replaced, I’ve been busy with my new friends. Crazy, right? I thought I had my research and studies and that was all I needed. Turns out having friends makes a difference.

I know what you’re thinking. I did say before that as long as I’m polite and reasonable, I can get on with my studies, ultimately I would have no need for friends.

I was wrong.

It’s strange, but I’ve never been without my new friends from Ponyville, until now. There were of course, times when I was alone, when I would be away from my friends, but at those times I have never needed to contact them, never felt the need for their comfort or support. Whenever I did, they were always conveniently there.

I guess… what I’m trying to say is that… I miss my friends. I didn’t know how much until I needed them. It’s been a rough day and all I want to do is laugh and cry and let them distract me from my problems, or better yet, give me advice.

Today I was fully resigned to solving my own problems. Problems that I had never really dealt with before. One thing changed for me today. I met a new friend. I met an old friend. An old, reignited into someone new.

It may seem surprising, but I met Princess Celestia while she had been sneaking around incognito. Now that I look back on the moment I met her, there was something about her I genuinely enjoyed. At times, when I felt unduly stressed or worn, she would come as a mentor and a guiding force in my life. I looked to her in reverence and awe.

But when she held her hoof out and said, Let’s be friends, I smiled giddily and for a few hours we chatted about everything and anything. My burden seemed trivial and insignificant. My worries were unfounded. As I look back, I smile.

It’s great to have friends.

Thank you for listening patiently, Diary.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll be writing anytime soon.

Chapter 2: A Timely Reply

Dear Twilight,

I'm so glad you've made so many friends. Please know that I will always be here for you. I don't know if this will reach you, but I'll miss you.

I'm so proud of you, Twilight.

Love,
Diary

Prancesylvania

David and Twilight were perusing the old sections of Canterlot’s Library.

“What are we doing here?” David asked quite loudly. In the silence, his voice was deafening. As expected from a librarian of her calibre, Twilight held a hoof to her muzzle and shushed the loud human.

David was annoyed but he turned his volume down a couple of notches and repeated the question in a whisper. Exasperated, the unicorn turned around and gestured to the numerous tomes scattered around the pair.

“As you can see, we’re looking for information about the Badlands.”

“The Badlands?”

“Yes, if you were listening I wanted to know what came before. There are suggestions there was actually a city somewhere in the Badlands.”

“Really?”

“Yes! Isn’t it obvious?”

“I can’t read.”

“What?”

“I said, I can’t read. This writing is gibberish to me.”

“Huh.”

“Yep.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I had more pressing problems at the time.”

“True… Anyway since you can’t help me by reading these books, find somepony else to bother.”

“Actually, I’m just going to nap here, if that’s alright with you.”

Twilight nodded. “Just don’t make any noise.”

––––

“This doesn’t make any sense!”

“Huh-bwah?!”

“Exactly!”

“Mppphhh.”

“How could a rubber band, a meteor and something called a ‘vampire’ cause all this?!”

David shrugged.

“You’d be surprised.”

Author's Note

Eh? It could happen.

The story tells stories, I would know. My life is one.

Boredom

Chapter 1: A.K.A — The Transdimensional Adventures Of An Excellent Party Pony

Pinkie stared at the orb as it pulsated slowly. It was glowing an enticing shade of pink that was making it harder and harder to resist touching. She bit her lip. Twilight had told her not to touch it. Like a good friend, she wouldn’t.

The clock Twilight had placed in the basement continued its steady march.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Every so often Pinkie’s eyes would twitch to the clock and then twitch back to the enticing orb.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

She wouldn’t touch it. She shouldn’t touch it. She can’t touch it. She won’t touch it.

I have to touch it! she thought.

Her hoof darted out, stopping only just a few centimetres from the orb.

No! she berated herself. Bad Pinkie. No betraying your friend’s trust!

Reluctantly her hoof came back towards her body. She imagined her hoof felt sad.

Aww, don’t be sad. Just a little longer… A little longer…

Her hoof hit the ground with a gentle clop.

Meanwhile, the orb pulsed gently.

Something brushed up against Pinkie’s mane. Eyes wide, she spun around, her eyes scouring the room for whatever it was that had disturbed her mane. She couldn’t see anypony. Her ears perked and she strained her hearing. Aside from the clock—and her heavy breathing—there wasn’t a sound.

Frowning, Pinkie returned her attention to the pulsating orb.

Was it you?

The orb elected to stay silent, though Pinkie swore the orb pulsed back in reply.

Seconds marched on.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

I have to touch it.

Her left hoof shot out again, only to be stopped by her right.

Are you crazy?! Her left hoof cried.

Stop it! Twilight will be upset if you touch it. Her Right one replied testily.

It’s only a little bit, it won’t hurt, right?

Don’t you remember the last time? You were in bed for days!

But—

No ‘buts’ go back to the body, now!

Aww…

Her left hoof retracted back to her body as her right hoof nodded vigorously. Unfortunately, it touched the orb while doing so.

The orb let out a dull tone, sounding suspiciously like a foghorn.

The door to the basement burst open.

“I knew it!” Twilight shouted, bounding down the steps and confronting the shying pink pony. “You touched it, didn’t you?”

Pinkie nodded, ashamed.

Twilight glanced at the clock.

“What happened Pinkie? It was barely two minutes!”

Pinkie stared at the sphere. It sat there, pulsing gently.

“I–I don’t know…”

Author's Note

That sphere has untold power.

How To Make A World

Chapter 1: Bake A Planet

The Universe is very peculiar. It likes to throw things around, burn things and in general, it likes to be a pain. So, while baking a planet, it hummed to itself the ingredients.

“One cup of magnesium, one cup of silicon, two cups of iron, two cups of oxygen, half a teaspoon of aluminium, half a teaspoon of calcium, one quarter teaspoon of sulfur… a dash of water and generous stirring, leave unattended for several billion years…”

A billion years is a long time, so once in a while the Universe would pop in and see how its creation was doing.

“Hmm,” the Universe hummed as it scooped up a bit of lava. “A bit too spicy.”

Throwing a couple of asteroids loaded with water and setting it to cool off would do the trick.

It came back after a few billion years. To it, time was relative, or more accurately, non-existent. There was no time. So it didn’t think it was gone long, but look at all this mould and moss. Yuck! What were these tiny crawling things on it. Kill it with fire!

So it flung another asteroid at it.

The dinosaurs became extinct.

The Universe came back and the thing was infested with crawly things again.

It sighed to itself. “When will these pests just leave my creation alone?” It obscured the sun for a bit.

I’ll put it in the freezer for a while.

After thousands of years, the Universe had almost forgotten it had a pet project. It thought it started it a couple of million times somewhere else in itself. Probably.

It came back. It was all grey and those stupid things were back.

That’s it, it thought angrily. I give up.

Author's Note

World making is hard work.