The Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy

by benxlabs

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Nightmare Moon, Original Character, Other, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 9084

What does it really mean to be evil?

"Evil. Such a vague term. It has been many centuries since a truly great villain was born. But this is a new generation. I will take it up myself to train this new generation of villains. All they need is a little push in the right direction. I am Nelio Maximillius. I am the headmaster of the Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy."

--I'm back! And with a new cover image too! All credit goes to Stalin the Stallion.
Ben

Published 2012-05-15 19:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-23 02:07:38 UTC

Prologue: Genius

Prologue: Genius

The Johnson Orphanage wasn’t a first-class place to be. Nowhere near that, in fact. The facilities and services offered there were mediocre at best, and downright harmful at worst. But that was exactly where Akihiro Takahashi found himself. As a young foal, he had to endure the toxic waste that they called food, and had to deal with the absolutely moronic staff that could hardly hold a conversation. Still. Not all was bad. As the other foals quickly discovered, he was smart. Very, very smart.

It was a typical day in the orphanage. In the morning, they were rudely awakened by the screaming of the staff. Those who were unfortunate enough to lollygag never dared do so again. In fact, afterwards, they became the earliest risers. After breakfast, they were left alone for something they called “Quiet Study Time”. It was more like “Every Foal for Themselves and Beat Everyone Else to Death” time. However, today was different. Whoever was in charge had decided that they were old enough to have their first “Lesson”. As they were marched forward in a single file line, rumours flew through the air. “They’re going to kill us!” seemed to be the most popular one. Hearts heavy, they kept marching forward.

Fortunately for them, they were not being led toward their deaths. Unfortunately, it was something even worse. They were led into a small room with wooden tables and chairs. In one dark corner, there was a small wooden bookshelf. One of the staff, a burly stallion with a handlebar mustache, stepped forward. “Alright kiddies, welcome to school!” They all blinked. Someone called out: “What’s school?” The mustache pony glowered. “You bloody idiots! School is where you go to learn stuff!”

The mustache pony left. As he went out the door, he looked back. “Make yourself comfortable, ya little runts ‘cause you’re gonna be here for a while!” With that, he slammed the door shut. He might as well have have flipped a switch. The moment the door was closed, all chaos broke loose. Hooves flew, and mighty kicks were exchanged. By the end of the day, more than half of the foals had suffered severe injuries. Unseen by the others, a small foal remained by the small bookshelf that called itself a library. During the time that the others had been fighting, he had been learning. He couldn’t read, not yet, but he still flipped through the ancient books. Every time he finished one, he felt an insatiable urge to flip through another. The more he “read”, the more he understood. All by themselves, the strange symbols on the pages started making sense to him. The more he read, the more he understood. Soon, he was smarter than the headmaster of the orphanage. And he knew it.

A few months had passed since he discovered reading, and his appetite for knowledge only grew. The others merely taunted him, however. Nerd, loser, and fillyfoal were common names that they called him. He did not give up though. He continued his never ending quest for more knowledge. Now, he contemplated his situation. Living in this filthy mud hole with these barbaric ruffians would lower his life expectancy by many years. These pathetic imbeciles were far below him. Why, they could not even hold an intelligent conversation! What was the benefit of staying here? The food here was hardly even edible, much less nutritious. He could probably get a better meal by begging in the streets!

And that was exactly what he did. There was no point in staying here. In the depths of the night, he slipped away. Determination in his heart, he struck out on his own. The gods seemed set against him, however. That night, thunderstorms and wild winds roared outside. Blown by the wind and battered by the rain, he arrived at the library. Unfortunately, the door was locked. That was of no concern to him. He took out two of the paper clips he had stolen from the headmaster’s office and jammed them inside the lock. Concentrating, he fiddled around with the paper clips until he heard a click. Smiling, he pushed open the huge oak door and let himself in. There he spent the night.

He bolted upright. Something wasn’t right. He was slumped over a pile of Java books and was using a map of the United States as a blanket. It was too bright outside. He had only meant to sleep a few hours. The library would open at any second. He put his ingenious mind to work. He soon had a plan. He would slip out the window, and wait outside the library until someone came. Then he would follow them inside. But was that really necessary? He was just a 9 year old foal, for Celestia’s sake! Would they really consider him a threat? Well, better safe than sorry.

The plan had succeeded without a hitch. Was there ever any doubt? Just as the first staff came to the library, he slipped out of the shadows and entered without a sound. Without a word, he located the technology section and began reading. “Hey, you there! Where are your parents?” Akihiro slowly turned his head. Beside him was the library staff member he had seen earlier. “I said, where are your parents? Besides, I think you’re in the wrong section. The picture books are over there. But-” Akihiro cut him off. Coldly, he said: “My progenitors are deceased. Begone you primitive simpleton.” The stallion looked taken aback. After a few more moments, he slowly backed away, keeping a suspicious eye on him the entire time. Akihiro returned to his reading.

Days went and days passed, and Akihiro continued to read. He read and read, until his mind swelled with astronomy, physics, calculus, chemistry, and coding. Soon he was the smartest person in all of Equestria. And not a single other pony knew. Then the fateful day came when the library recieved computers as part of a educational grant. The sponsoring company, Nightmare Technology LTD., was the rival of Sun Enterprises. The two companies were locked in a everlasting struggle, perpetually fighting for dominance. Nightmare Technology had granted the primitive library a technological overhaul in return for their support. The library had hastily agreed. Not that any of this mattered to Akihiro. All he cared about was that he finally had a chance to test out his knowledge.

// Important: This code came from example-code.com. I take no credit for it.
//This is just random code copied off, actually this has nothing to do with hacking...
//It’s actually just a hash encryption algorithm. :P
package com.test;import android.app.Activity;import com.chilkatsoft.*;import android.widget.TextView;import android.os.Bundle;public class SimpleActivity extends Activity { @Override public void onCreate(Bundle savedInstanceState) { super.onCreate(savedInstanceState);TextView tv = new TextView(this); String outStr = "";

CkCrypt2 crypt = new CkCrypt2(); boolean success;

success = crypt.UnlockComponent("Hahaloltroll"); if (success != true) { outStr += crypt.lastErrorText() + "\n"; tv.setText(outStr);setContentView(tv);

return;}

String s; s = "If you’re actually reading this then stop.";crypt.put_HashAlgorithm("sha1");crypt.put_EncodingMode("hex");

String hash;hash = crypt.hashStringENC(s);outStr += "SHA1:" + "\n"; outStr += hash + "\n";
crypt.put_HashAlgorithm("md2"); hash = crypt.hashStringENC(s); outStr += "MD2:" + "\n";

outStr += hash + "\n";crypt.put_HashAlgorithm("md5");

hash = crypt.hashStringENC(s);
outStr += "MD5:" + "\n"; outStr += hash + "\n";crypt.put_CryptAlgorithm("aes");

crypt.put_CipherMode("cbc");

crypt.put_KeyLength(256);

crypt.put_PaddingScheme(0);

crypt.put_EncodingMode("base64");

String ivHex;

ivHex = "000102030405060708090A0B0C0D0E0F";

String keyHex;

keyHex = "000102030405060708090A0B0C0D0E0F101112131415161718191A1B1C1D1E1F";

crypt.SetEncodedIV(ivHex,"hex");

crypt.SetEncodedKey(keyHex,"hex");

Perfect. The code was complete. He chuckled. This was going to be too easy. He clicked the “Start” button on his custom coded program. As the robotic tine of his septicore computer announced his success, he leaned back in his chair. It had been several years since the library had been upgraded. Much had happened since then. For one, he had become quite an accomplished hacker. His young age and small stature often made his enemies underestimate him. That would be their last mistake. Utilizing ingenious code and deadly strategy, he would orchestrate...accidents. So far, he had transferred millions of dollars from the Phillydelphia City Bank to his personal bank account and managed to cover his tracks so well, it seemed as though the money had simply disappeared.

His new target was the Baltimare City fund, presumed the most secure bank in all of Equestria. Ha. It was almost funny. With all their fancy Sun Enterprise technology, they thought they were indestructible. He would prove them wrong, while lining his pockets at the same time. It was a win-win situation, wasn’t it? Months ago, he had already uploaded a backdoor program to their databases. He now reactivated the program, gaining instant access to the main database. But that would be too easy. Of course, they encrypted all their data using a complicated algorithm. No matter. Smiling to himself, his hooves flew across the plexi-glass keyboard at a speed unrivaled by anyone in all of Equestria. He knew this naturally. A brute-forcer wouldn’t do. It would take too much of his precious time. Oh no. This little challenge deserved better. He went deep into his archives and unzipped a file that he usually left alone. “AlertOverride.exe has been successfully unzipped.” The computer announced with a hint of amusement. Time to get to work. Utilizing the backdoor he left himself, he planted the program in the security code. Immediately, all security cameras went offline. Those in the operations booth saw only a burst of static. But this static was not just regular static. He was too refined for such a brutish approach. Oh no. The Static was perfectly calibrated. The only pattern of its kind. This “special” static pattern had a most unique effect. It immediately rendered anypony exposed to it for even one second under the distributor’s complete control. The best part was, it was subconscious. Those drooling buffoons didn’t even realize they were hypnotized.

The first thing he had his new thralls do was to disable all security systems. With all alert systems gone, he was now clear to move on to the second stage of the plan. He ordered the security personnel to de-encrypt the entire database. It was true, he could have done that dirty work himself, but what was the point of needlessly dirtying his hands? He giggled maniacally as he saw each spec of information reveal itself to him. Credit cards, phone numbers, social security numbers, he had it all. With this...he could simulate an entire city! But it was time to go. Despite all his preparation, the BCPD were some smart cookies. They could probably track his IP to this hotel room, given a few months and brutal searching. He would be long gone by then though. After he finished gathering his meager belongings, he called the front office, and using his audio integrator, lowered his voice to an acceptable masculine tone. “I’m checking out. Close the room.” He hung up before waiting for a reply. With that out of the way, he headed out the door. Upon opening the door, however, he realized he had miscalculated. Standing outside, grinning smugly, was a mare. She looked like the typical New Yoke City yankee. However, the gun she was pointing at him told him otherwise. Was she part of the BCPD? Could they really have tracked him so fast? He should have looked outside the peephole before blindly stumbling out. That was stupid of him. How could he have been so careless? He tried to bluff his way out of his predicament. “Y-you can’t shoot me! I’m j-just a foal! The police can’t shoot little foals! Right?” The mare grinned viciously. “Then it’s a good thing I’m not from the police.” His heart sank. This was worse than he thought. That was his last thought before something slammed into his heart, and everything tipped sideways and went black.

Prologue: Agility

Prologue: Agility

Peach Blossom did not want anything to do with peaches, nor blossoms for that matter. Although most ponies in Ponyville had cutie marks related to their names, she was different. She had been raised on a Peach Farm, and now she wanted out. She was more interested in climbing the trees and jumping houses than picking peaches and selling them. Her real interests were jewels, money, and more jewels. She loved those things. They were just so shiny and perfect! Unfortunately, working on this Celestia-Damned farm would not help her obtain her precious gems. So, like any respectable pony, she ran away.

She tried to ration out her food, but her peach tarts and peach juice ran out within a week. This was bad. She was now in Baltimare City, with no money, no food, and no way to survive. The aroma of fresh baked pie shook her out of her stupor. Following the delicious scent, she arrived at the Baltimare Bakery. The smells were too much. She crawled through an open window and dropped noiselessly into the kitchen. Moving silently, she made her way into the oven room. Her mouth watered as she imagined the delicious tastes that would soon be filling her mouth. Ripping a used Peach tin in half, she used the sharp edge to sever the power cable. The machine immediately let out a protesting hum, and shut down. A few minutes later, the baked goods were hers. Leaping with joy, Peach Blossom forgot to check for laser trip beams. The moment she took a step, the entire facility started blaring with alarms. “Intruder Alert. Intruder Alert. Entering Lockdown. Entering Lockdown.” The previously friendly looking bakery had lost all of its warmth. All exits were blocked by titanium-tungsten alloy blast barriers. Swarms of Nightmare Tech drones were swarming in, tazers blazing.

This was bad. She closed her eyes and concentrated. The bots charged. She jumped, and using the sticky leftover pie filling, clung to the ceiling. The drones were not so lucky, and found themselves helplessly stuck to the wall by the very pies they were supposed to protect. Whistling, she casually hopped out the door, the entire bakery’s inventory of pies in tow. Heist success. That wasn’t so hard, was it? She was actually quite good at this.

“INTRUDER ALERT! All systems lockdown. Contain the intruder.” Geez. The Baltimare City Fund was such a penny pincher! She had only stolen what, 50 million dollars worth of diamonds, rubies, gems, and assorted crystals? Was that really something to get so worked up about? Okay, she admitted to herself. Maybe she was just being a little greedy. Just a little. After her successful hit on the bakery, she had continued to advance her skills, becoming one of the most renowned thieves in all of Equestria. And she knew it. After a few years on the run, she decided it was time to go for the big one. The Baltimare City Fund thought it was so indestructible, with its fancy security drones and laser tripwires. She would show them just how pathetic they were. But first, she would have to get out of here alive.

Throwing a thermal detonator, she camouflaged her heat signature and position from the drones. Pssht. Sun Enterprises wasn’t so tough. Then the security guards arrived. “Halt! You are under arrest under violation of the law! Drop your weapons and surrender!” She snorted. “Do y’all see any weapons on me? The only thing you could consider a weapon is mah pie!” As she spoke, she launched 3 peach pies, brimming to the top with sticky syrup. 3 down, 1 to go. This one seemed to be the Captain of the Guard, as he was smarter than the rest. He quickly took out a radio and barked something she couldn’t make out into it. She rushed forward, swaying side to side. When he was in range, she took out a peach muffin with extra peach frosting. He didn’t stand a chance. As she dashed forward, she swore she heard a female voice exclaim: “Muffins!” But she didn’t look back. She had to get out.

Alarms still blaring, she took out several more squads of security personnel using nothing but food items alone. She was almost out. Just a little bit further. Then she realized the exit was locked. Everything was locked down. Buck it! Lucky for her, she always brought her mother’s secret recipe. Momma Peachie’s Extra Spicy Peach Hot Sauce! Like her mother had always said: “It’ll burn through anything, up to 9 inches of titanium-tungsten alloy! Ripping off the cap of the indiscreet bottle, she splashed the contents of the bottle onto a nearby window. With a sizzle, the scalding hot contents got to work on the blast gate.

Casually hopping out the window, she took out a can of Peach Whipped Cream and emptied the can onto the ground below, creating a soft cushion to pad her landing. Bouncing off of it like a trampoline, she flew through the air, chuckling as she went. I could get used to this!, she thought to herself. With 50 million dollars worth of precious stones slung across her back, she made her escape. The next day, she saw that thousands of Wanted Posters had been posted throughout the city, all of them pointing to a “Mysterious Mare who used food items as their weapon of choice. Caution Advised. Do not approach alone.” The reward for her capture was a startling amount. 60 million? She didn’t even take that much!

She snorted. Ah well. Not like she could do anything about it. Over the next few years, Peach Blossom became one of the most notorious thieves ever known to ponykind. One day, she was in the middle of a “visit” to Sun Enterprises HQ. Before we get into that story however, you probably want to hear this story.

Shortly after Mane 6 and their friend disappeared because of one of Twilight’s magic experiments, Equestria soon fell into chaos. All of the land fell into anarchy. You would think that Discord would have taken advantage of the chaos, but he remained remarkably quiet. He even gave Celestia the idea to reform government. Instead of a monarchy, as Equestria had always had, she decided to create an oligarchy. However, there will always be casualties of war. The chaos had influenced Princess Luna negatively, re-creating the evil being Nightmare Moon. However, now that she had matured, she had more control over her own behavior. And because of this newfound discipline, she was able to ward off the majority of the evil thoughts planted in her mind by her form. That is not to say that she didn’t enjoy the occasional evil prank though.

However, jealous of her sister’s newfound power, she created her own company, Nightmare Technology. It proved just as successful as her shinier counterpart. Now, instead of anarchy, Equestria is locked in a civil war. Day against night. Sun Enterprises versus Nightmare Technology. Those who didn’t choose a side were forced to go into hiding, hoping for the mane 6 to return with their friend, and once again bring peace to the land. After all, they had defeated Discord’s third uprising without a hitch.

Now that that story is over, we can resume our current story.

Peach Blossom had been raised on a farm that was sponsored by Nightmare Technologies. She had been taught to resent Celestia and all those who were associated with her. However, being the “rebellious, ungrateful little brat” she had been, she didn’t give a buck about Nightmare Tech or Sun Enterprises. Who cared? They could fight each other to death and she wouldn’t care. All the more riches for her.

All the same, she decided to hit Sun Enterprises first. The compound itself was not so hard to get into. All she needed were a few conventional lock picks and a bottle of Momma Peachie’s hot sauce. Inside the building was a different story, however. DNA cannons, cryo-foam dispensers, drones, and assorted guards blocked the way to the treasury. She grit her teeth. This was going to be close. Way too close. Those DNA cannons would blast anything that it wasn’t programmed to recognize with a painful neurotoxin that would paralyze the target for just long enough for the guards to arrive and capture the unfortunate victim.

Suddenly, a guard walked past. Excellent. Perhaps she could get past the cannons after all. As the unsuspecting guard turned the corner, he was met with a barrage of pies and was quickly incapacitated. Now, using the limp form of the guard, she dashed across the hallway blocking each neuroblast with the guard’s body. She realized she could’ve just used a pie tin to reflect the blasts. Oh well. Too late now. Besides, this was more fun. The cryo-foam dispensers would probably prove to be a bigger problem, however.

This part of the hallway was completely empty, because the dispensers would shoot anything that moved. She thought. First, she needed to see the speed and accuracy of these dispensers. Reaching into her pack, she pulled out another pie tin. Using it like frisbee, she tossed it down the hallway. Just as she suspected, blasters popped out of the formerly seamless walls and sealed the pie tin inside a cube of impenetrable, ice cold foam. Yikes. After a few more pie tin throws, she decided that she had mastered the trajectory of the cannons. Galloping forward, she jumped into the air, twisting as she saw the cannons jump out of their cradles. As the next barrage launched, she slid, using her own momentum to propel herself across the smooth floor. She gave herself a hoof on the back as a reward for getting past such a tough obstacle. The treasury was just ahead. Checking the blueprints that she had swiped a few days ago, she confirmed there were no more traps. Just drones and guards. Excellent. She snuck forward, completely silent. As patrolling drones turned the corner, she decapitated them all with a single tin. She loved her job. When more drones and guards came to investigate the commotion, they found themselves stuck fast to the floor by some kind of peach jam. She laughed in their faces as she brushed rudely past them. That was too easy. The treasury obviously had a keypad. Buck. She was no good at these dag-nabbed fancy gadgets. Oh well. Some hot sauce should do it. And do it, the hot sauce did. Stepping through the gaping hole, still sizzling at the edges, she entered the treasury. Such riches! Almost crying with joy, she started filling her pillowcase with as much as she could, and then some. She started out the vault when a mare suddenly dropped in front of her. Great. Was this another guard? No. She wasn’t wearing a uniform. Another thief then?

“What do you want?” she asked irritably. The mare, probably a yankee, bared her teeth. “Oh, nothing much. Just you and everything you’re carrying.” She tensed. Then she felt a painful jolt of electricity course through her body. The last thing she saw before unconsciousness took her was the mysterious mare laughing.

Prologue: Strength

Prologue: Strength

Iron Hoof Senior. The name inspired fear in the hearts of many a pony. Being the best and most brutal bodyguard in all of Equestria did that to people. But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. After all, he got all the bitches. More on accident then on purpose, he acquired a son. Being the kind of person that does such things, he named his son Iron Hoof Junior. His wife had wanted to name him Johnny, but as most people know, bodyguards tend to be very...persuasive. And so begins the tale of Iron Hoof Junior.

You would think being the son of a mega-tycoon would be pleasant. You would be wrong. Like all successful businessmen, he wanted his son to follow in his every footstep. Through every cliff, through every swamp, he dragged his son down the rigorous path of a bodyguard. He never really had any real friends. The only reason someone would be friendly to him would be because of fear. Fear of his father. It was both a blessing and a curse. No one would dare disrespect him, and whatever he asked, he got. However, this same fear that kept the children around him in line also kept them distant from him. When they thought he wasn’t around, they whispered. They whispered about how cruel he was. How much of a tyrant he was. He was their common enemy. It bonded them together. Against him.

Oh, they thought he didn’t know. But he did. And deep inside his heart, in the darkest recesses, he vowed he would get revenge on them all. It was this deep hatred that kept him going through the high and the low. It was this hatred that forced him to keep pushing himself. It was this hatred that forced him to lift the barbell up again and again, even when the logical part of his brain was screaming at him to stop.

Then his father died. The police told him it was an accident. But he had been at the scene. He knew it was no accident. There was no doubt. It was an assassination. And he knew exactly who had done it. His father had been a bodyguard. Bodyguards tend to make many enemies as they become more prominent. There was one particular enemy that his father hated the most. He called himself “El Chupacabra”. He was a rogue bodyguard. And his only goal in life was to kill people. “The Chupacabra” was feared around the world. The authorities could never find him. All they were left with was a dead body that was ripped apart.

There was only one pony in the world that The Chupacabra feared. Yep. You guessed it. Iron Hoof Senior. After tangling with him once, The Chupacabra didn’t dare come out of its cave for quite a while. But Iron Hoof Senior had gotten careless. He had lowered his guard for a mere moment. But it was that moment that brought his downfall. Iron Hoof Junior may have despised his father, but now that he was dead, he realized something. He just wanted an excuse to kill someone. And this was just what he needed.Suddenly, a knock on his mansion’s door disrupted his quiet contemplation.When he opened the door, he was greeted by two stallions in white suits. They wore surgical masks and sunglasses. One stallion reached forward, a handkerchief in his hand.

Reacting instinctively, Iron Hoof Junior ducked. With a huge leg sweep, he brought the two ponies down. Jumping up into the air, he used his elbow to knock the air out of one. He lifted the other one up by his neck and slammed him against the wall. “Who sent you?” He asked gruffly. The stallion pinned against the wall squirmed, writhing in terror. He managed to stutter out a barely coherent sentence. “P-p-please! We- I don’t know anything! Ah swear!” That last bit caught his attention. Was this stallion from the western part of Equestria? But he wasn’t lying. He didn’t know anything. Judging from his build and speech patterns, he was only muscle. The real brain was probably miles away by now.

The next day, he received a mysterious phone call. It mentioned something about someone picking him up tomorrow at noon. It said to be ready. There was no way he was going to let some strangers do that. He was going to meet them, alright. But no way were they going to take him wherever they were going to take him.

The noon bell tolled. As the last echoes faded, a white van pulled up in the driveway. He sighed. Facehoof. That was way too typical. A white van? All that was missing now was “Free Candy” spray painted on the side. Right then, as the van turned, he noticed that “Free Candy” was spray painted on the side. He groaned. If someone was coming to kidnap him, couldn’t they at least try to be respectable? As the van slowed to a halt, the doors slid open. He jumped. The high-tech troopers coming out of the car stood in stark contrast to the stereotypical van they had come from. It was like a clown car. They kept on coming out. How the buck did they all fit in that tiny van? There were at least 50 ponies in front of his mansion now! Shit. They overpowered him now. Oh well. At least he could go out with a bang. Yelling, he dived into the middle of the crowd, kicking and throwing punches like he had nothing left to lose. Which he didn’t, by the way.

They got him. But it wasn’t easy. He took out at least 30 of them. Another 10 suffered severe injuries and had to be hospitalized. Another 5 suffered minor injuries such as broken noses or bruised bones. But they took him. The insignia on the back of their bullet-proof vests? ESHV.

He groaned. How long had he been out? “Impressive. The chemical structure of your red blood cells must have a natural inborn resistance to narcotics.” He looked around, and seeing no one, looked down. There, he saw a tiny pipsqueak of pony, barely reaching his chest when he stood up. But there was something in his eyes. There was a hint of...something. There was that sparkle. The sparkle that made you think they were either a genius or a madman. He dearly hoped it was the former. “I suppose they kidnapped you too?” He asked the tiny pony standing in front of him. The pony sighed, an almost impatient sound. It was incredibly annoying. It was as if the pony thought that he, Iron Hoof Junior, was inferior to him. “That is correct. That unicorn mare over there hasn’t come to yet, but according to this blood sample, she was incapacitated by the same chemical that was able to render me unconscious. Or at least the molecular construction is extremely similar.”

Iron Hoof sighed. He could see why this scrawny one thought that he was superior to all. He had stopped listening after 3 words. Suddenly, a yawn came from the back of the room, followed by an exclamation of “Hey! What did y’all do with mah pies?”

Chapter 1: School

Chapter One: School

“Um...miss...this is all just a big misunderstanding...we didn’t touch your pies!” Iron Hoof backed away from the enraged unicorn. Shortly after she had awakened, she discovered her most prized possessions, her pies, had gone missing. Being one of those bad-flank western rednecks, she immediately leaped to conclusions. Or maybe not. All they knew was that she was mad, and she was mad at him. Maybe it was because he was the biggest. Did she consider him a brute? Was he really that menacing looking? No. He probably wasn’t. But, alas, that didn’t really matter, as the crazed psycho-girl was still advancing. Yep. There was no stopping her. That was just too bad for him.

“Ah’ll say it once, and ah’ll say it again. Where. Are. Mah. Pies?!” The Pink-ish purple unicorn was getting more and more threatening every moment. Iron Hoof would have punched a hole in her face minutes ago if it weren’t for the fact that she was a girl. Now don’t get him wrong, it wasn’t because he was sexist, it was just that...well...eh...he supposed he was being sexist. He raised his hoof, and socked her in her pretty little face. Or tried to at least. He looked around, momentarily confused. She was just in front of him a moment ago!

Suddenly, a wicked push from the behind, sent him toppling forward. Please don’t smack into the wall! Please don’t smack into the wall! he thought desperately. That would be very embarrassing. But, as fate would have it, he smacked into the wall. He slid to the ground, face first. After muttering a few incoherent curses, he slowly got back on his hooves. He eyed the unicorn up and down. She was tougher than she looked. He tensed his muscles. He wouldn’t go easy on her this time. Then he thought: I wasn’t even going easy on her last time. What makes you think you’ll do any better this time? He mentally told his conscience to shut up and not ruin his moment.

Once again, he tensed his muscles. He narrowed his eyes. His opponent, the unicorn, just tossed her hair haughtily. She beckoned to him with her hoof, as if taunting him. It was too much. He charged. Suddenly, he felt a jab above his ear. A pressure point? He thought. Then he fell to the ground, unconscious. Akihiro walked over to the unicorn. “I must apologize for the boorish antics of my...impulsive friend. You are not injured, I presume?” Peach blinked a few times. Then she looked down. “Woah, nelly! You’re a small thing, aren’t ya? And who taught you how to talk? You’re a pony, not one of them robots, ya know!” Akihiro frowned. “Do my linguistic habits disturb you? That’s strange.” He closed his eyes and thought for a few moments.

“Don’t ya suppose we should er...wake up your little-I mean big friend, over here?” Peach prodded Iron Hoof’s sleeping form a few times. “Ah mean, he doesn’t snore, does he?” Before her words could even register, a sonic boom of a snore emitted from Iron’s sleeping form. Both Akihiro and Peach simultaneously dropped to the floor, clutching their ears in agony. “Ah can’t take it anymore! Mah ears are bleedin’!” She cried. “The frequency and volume of this sonance could be qualified as a sonic attack.” Observed Akihiro. Peach glared at him. “Do ya always act like this?”

Akihiro, Iron, and Peach were sitting in a circle. Shortly after Iron’s...snooze-fest, Akihiro had manipulated a few more pressure points as to wake up Iron Hoof. Akihiro then continued to persuade them to make a temporary truce, or at least stop trying to kill each other long enough for them to have a productive conversation. Of course, in his intelligent jargon, they didn’t quite get the point. Although it had pained him to do so, he resorted to explaining in “Layman’s Terms”. Much to the annoyance of Iron and Peach.

After a short period of swapping stories, they realized that they had all been captured by the same pony. Akihiro then noted that they were airborne. “I conducted a series of tests on the pressurization level and temperature. Judging from the slight vibrations and slight rocking, it would be safe to assume that we are aboard some kind of aircraft at about 41000 feet. The aircraft has been slowing in speed and altitude, so we seem to be approaching our destination.” Peach coughed, then said: “So...what do ya reckon we do about our little situation here?” Iron Hoof spoke up. “See those crates over there? We could hide in them, then when our captors come in, we jump out and ambush them.” Peach interrupted again. “That’s all fine and dandy, but how the hay are we supposed to get those crates open? They’re all welded shut, tight as canned peaches!” Iron Hoof grinned. “That...won’t be a problem.”

And it wasn’t a problem. Iron Hoof’s immense strength easily broke open the crates. Akihiro’s nimble hooves were able to put the crates back together just as they were. The ambush was ready. Suddenly,a jolt sent everything in the room flying. Including them. With the added weight of a pony inside, the crates gained enough inertia to smash into the wall. Already fragile from Iron Hoof’s beating, they broke. The three ponies then collapsed in a pile of wood shavings. One of the walls suddenly lowered. Sunlight streamed in, blinding them. Squinting, Peach saw 7 ponies enter. One pony, the leader it seemed, marched down the center. The other 6 split into two lines of 3 ponies each, and marched on both sides. The parade stopped in front of the exhausted protagonists. The leader spoke. “Get up. It’s time for school.”

And so they were inducted into the Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy. The events of the first day...were rather interesting to say the least.

“What the hay?” Peach Blossom was the first to speak. They were “dropped off” shortly after their recapture. Apparently, the school was located in dragon territory, thus the need for aerial transport. Travel by land would surely awaken the hibernating dragons. Legend has it, the Twilight’s faithful assistant Spike was once challenged to jump into the volcano located in this region. The school was located under this volcano.

Usually, a volcano is a very bad place for a school to be located. however, this was not a usual school. The school used the heat of the volcano to produce geothermal power, and thus avoided detection by the national power grid. Even Akihiro had to admit, it was pretty clever. It might even be worth his time to...borrow some of that power.

Now, Akihiro, Peach, and Iron found themselves in the main antechamber of the school, surrounded by hundreds of other children. Akihiro took in his surroundings. The room was quite impressive, and was amazingly large for a underground room. It was also remarkably well lit. Clearly, the volcano provided more than enough energy to power the school. But that was obvious.

Just then, an ominous rumble caused a wave of uneasiness to sweep over the assembled crowd. Abruptly, a portion of the marble flooring lowered. Conversation erupted among the captive ponies. Then, just as abruptly, that portion of the floor rose back up. However, this time a stallion was riding upon it. He appeared to be in his prime, about 30 or 40. He was fit, but not so much as a body builder. His eyes gleamed like daggers, betraying a cold intellect. The floor-ivator thing continued to rise, until it became something like a podium.

The stallion smiled. It was the smile of a wolf. “Welcome, fillies. I am Nelio Maximillius, your new headmaster. But you can just call me Dr. Maximillius.” He raised his hooves in greeting. A colt called out: “We’re not fillies, you bag of bones!” Nelio narrowed his eyes. He shrugged and nodded his head at something in the shadows.

Before the insolent colt could say another word, he dropped to the floor. Someone in the crowd screamed as a puddle of blood spread around the body.

Chapter 2: Lesson Plans

Chapter 2: Lesson Plans

An ominous silence descended upon the crowd. No one dared say another word, for fear of retribution. Nelio Maximillius, satisfied with the silence, continued. “As I was saying, this place will be in your new home. You will sleep here, eat here, and take all your classes here. Oh yes, did I mention that you are forbidden from leaving this place ever again until you reach your senior year, when you will be assigned missions?”

Once again, the students broke out into chatter. Quite a few more ponies dropped to the floor. Akihiro smirked. This headmaster was not your everyday buffoon. Utilizing fear to enforce order upon an unruly crowd. These ponies would soon learn obedience. Such was the nature of all organic beings. It was the “action-and-consequence” effect after all. Such stupidity. To resist was to die, so he would lie low for now. To escape from this place designed against such actions would take time and planning.

“Psst. Hey nerd boy!” Peach nudged Akihiro. “What da ya’ think about this kooky old guy?”

“I would be much obliged if you would forgo your tendency of addressing me with such insolent terms. To answer your question, I believe he isn’t as lacking in IQ as some other ponies I know.” replied Akihiro coldly.

“Gee, mate! You ain’t half bad as I thought you were!”

He could only sigh and mentally slap himself. Was this mare for real? Akihiro decided he would have to communicate with her using only inferior words.

Now, Iron Hoof had decided to join in the conversation.

“Keep it down, you guys. Didn’t you see what happened to those other guys?”

Akihiro scowled. The brute had a point. His mission was to attract as little attention as possible. Therefore, talk and motion should be reduced to a minimum.

Unbeknownst to them, they had already attracted the attention of their enemies. Nelio Maximilian took a step back, and asked the shadows: “Who are those three whispering over there?” A mare lept out of the shadows, clad in a jet black jumpsuit. When she spoke, it was as if she could breath ice. Her tone was colder than Akihiro’s. “The small one is Akihiro Takahashi, foal genius, and master hacker. The mare is Peach Blossom, pickpocket, thief, and cat burglar. The brawny looking stallion is Iron Hoof, skilled in many martial arts, and possessing enormous strength.”

Nelio smiled. Looks like we hit the jackpot this year. He said: “Thank you. Dismissed.” The mare simply saluted and jumped back into the shadows. Nelio sighed. I really need to hire some warmer personnel. That being said, she was the best in her line of work. It was hard to find talented assassins like her. He decided he would closely observe the actions of the three. Stepping back up to the podium, Nelio, or Dr. Maximilian as the students would now call him, resumed his speech.

[Warning: Long and Boring Speech Imminent]

“Once again, I would like to welcome you to the Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy, one of the top schools for education in the villainous arts. You have been called here to fulfill your duty as the criminals of tomorrow. Many of you have already started on that career, and I applaud you for that. However, being enrolled in this school is a completely different experience than lone operation like many of you are used to. Here, you will hone your skills along with your peers, and learn how to truly become masterminds.

Despite being villains and criminals ourselves, we have a set of rules that all students must follow for the duration of their enrollment. First, as I have already mentioned, no student may leave the campus for any reasons, personal or otherwise, unless given explicit permission by myself or other staff. Second, while enrolled, students are not to engage in physical violence outside of fitness classes. Third, stealing is forbidden outside of stealth classes. Fourth, curfew is strictly enforced, and all violators will be severely punished. If you would like a complete set of rules and regulations for your reading enjoyment, please contact an administrator after the presentation is over.

Here at the Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy, there are an assortment of classes that you may enroll in. However, each course requires a passing score on an entrance exam, determined by the educators. Should you fail to enroll in any classes by the beginning of the semester in one week, you will be immediately executed. There will be no excuses, no complaints, and absolutely no mercy regarding the matter. We consider tardiness a very serious crime around here. It may seem harsh, but it is to simulate the cruel reality and life of a mastermind. A true villain faces death every day, but strives to reach his or her goals using any method conceivable.

Evil is only a concept. An opinion, really. There is no set “good” or “evil” in any given situation. Therefore, we believe that at the Equestrian School of Hackercraft and Villainy, we teach age-old values while promoting the use of technology to forward one’s own life.”

Nelio stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and gazed around. Instead of bright, cheerful, motivated, inspired faces, all he saw was a sea of sleeping ponies. He twitched in irritation, but then he noticed that the trio he was observing earlier was still awake. They were still quite lively, in fact. But it was probably their fear of death more than anything that kept them awake. He sighed. This happened every year. He should have gotten used to it by now, but for some reason, the fact that those three were still awake made him more irked at the other ponies. Looks like there will be a couple more dropping dead today... Nelio smirked to himself.

Soon after the speech ended, and after the sound of several ponies dropping to the ground woke up the other ponies, Nelio said: “You will now be assigned dorms. The seniors will arrive shortly to show you around the school. But first, you must all be assigned school uniforms. Please follow the school counselor Syke Uni to the fitting rooms.

Syke Uni happened to be a tall but skinny unicorn. She wore a long, black trenchcoat that simply reinforced her already threatening stature. Her eyes glared daggers, piercing all in their path. Upon closer inspection, one could realize she was probably already in her 60’s, judging from the white streaks in her hair and the slight wrinkles around her eyes. Akihiro smiled. There were certainly some interesting people working at this school.

As they continued toward the fitting room, a pony asked a question. “Why is an old mare like you employed at this school? Shouldn’t they hire younger ponies that don’t get heart attacks every five seconds?” The other ponies around him gasped and backed away. Skye slowly turned around, and a brief burst of magic emanated from her horn. The insolent pony immediately turned pale, and said: “I apologize for my insolence, counselor. I understand you were employed here for your experience and knowledge in the field of psychology.”

Upon seeing this, Peach nudged Akihiro.

“Psst. Egghead. Did you feel that? When she cast that weird spell, I mean.”

Akihiro nodded. “That spell was not composed of contemporary magic. A genetic mutation perhaps?”

Perhaps this farmer was not as ignorant as she first appeared. She was able to notice the subtle difference at the point of magic release that signalled a difference in magic type and power. But it is possible that those who possess the ability to wield magic themselves can sense such things easier. From the resulting actions, it would appear that the spell cast was one that disrupted the flow of information between neurons in the frontal lobes, causing momentary termination of free thought. The spell then seemed to create an artificial impulse, forcing one mandatory thought upon the brain, causing effective mind control, as well as thought suggestion.

“If yer done daydreamin’, the line has moved on without ya’!” called Peach Blossom.

Akihiro looked up. Indeed, he was starting to lag behind. No matter. He would observe what happened to those in front, and therefore buy himself more time to think.

The group approached a door, labeled “Uniform Distribution Center”. They had finally reached their destination. As the counselor approached, a small camera dropped down from the ceiling and scanned her retina. It chimed and blurted out in it’s mechanical tone: “Identity Affirmation Successful. User Syke Uni.” The door slid open, and the group entered. The inside of the room looked like a technologically advanced potty room. Thousands upon thousands of porta-potty looking things were scattered around the chamber. Syke turned around and said: “Welcome to the uniform distribution center. Please pick a pod and enter. You will be instructed by an AI, so do not panic.

Akihiro watched as a mob of excited ponies poured into the pods, all eager to explore. He was reluctant to enter himself, however. The possibility of the chamber not being what the counselor said it was was very high. For all he knew, it could be a gene-restructuring chamber, designed to manufacture clones or maybe even create biological weapons. Perhaps it was a neural domination device, designed to control one’s mind? Or perhaps it was just a toilet after all? Many theories were possible, but none of them were appealing. Well, besides the toilet theory. Besides, nature was calling.

After about five minutes of deliberation, he decided he could no longer satiate his curiosity. He picked a pod in one of the far corners and pushed open the door.

So what did you think? This is my first chapter since coming back from my vacation. Feedback would be appreciated, since I might be getting a little rusty. Also, read my other story! (Achievement: A Daily Dose of Shameless Self Promotion!)

Chapter 3: Villainy 101

Why is it that all heroes, antiheroes, protagonists, whatnot-ists, all start from the humblest origins? Some were abandoned at birth, some left for dead. But again, there'd be nothing interesting about a Bob that came from a extraordinarily ordinary family, would there? But why would anyone name their filly Bob? That's not even close to a pony name. But then again, neither is Akihiro.

Akihiro was teetering on the verge of an outburst, something rare for those of higher intellect. The AI responsible for him being synthesized with a special "school uniform" was certainly not acting like a well coded AI. For some reason, it seemed incapable of pronouncing his name, insisting on calling him "Ae-ke-he-roo Tae-kae-hi-shi". Despite numerous attempts to override the pronunciation guide. The AI also seemed very inconsistent with its measurements, measuring every limb about 15 times a minute, declaring "measurements invalid, data revoked". At length, he even considered rewiring the entire damn thing.

But the dice had been cast, and there was no turning back. After about 20 minutes of teeth grinding errors, a small toaster looking device located at the back of the small room made a crisp beep. Shortly thereafter, a neatly folded bundle of clothes shot out at a breakneck speed, nearly killing Akihiro in the process. Yet here was his new "school uniform", and he would have to wear it. He took it by the collar and examined it. The uniform was quite well made, yet reminded him of something out of science fiction movie. He scoffed. What did he think he was talking about? This was the era of technological revolution! Science Fiction? Bah! That was the stuff of a millenia ago! Nonetheless, one would agree, the uniform looked very much like a black and white body suit from Tron. He slipped into it, discovering that it was quite malleable, despite its appearance.

But that being said, it also seemed to be quite durable. Touching the surface revealed that the surface was more similar to that of fiberglass. Perhaps the interior was comprised of a skintight body suit composed of gore-tex, or other similar material, with a fiberglass shell on the exterior. However, fiberglass was a thermoplastic, and would remain too stiff for the freedom of movement I am currently employing. Carbon fibers, then? No, carbon fibers would be even stiffer. The mysteries of his school uniform would have to wait.

He stepped out out his porta potty device, and looked around for his classmates. His cold eyes calculated his surroundings, and to his slight surprise, his classmates had donned suits of different colors. The range was limited however, to certain color schemes. To his disgust, the majority of the debilitated students had donned uniforms similar to his own. His scowl deepened when he saw his acquaintances, the stalwart martial artist and the street smart thief both wearing different uniforms than his own.

Perhaps the color of uniform is assigned depending on the student's abilities. That would put the black and white uniforms as those specializing in intelligence, while the red and white uniforms were worn by those better suited for physical tasks. The blue and white uniforms appeared to be given to those excelling in gymnastics and acrobatics, similar to the thief. His disdain showed only in his eyes, however, and the 2 came over upon seeing him.

Oblivious to his ponderous state, she gave him a hearty slap on the back and shouted into his ear: "Hey, if it ain't ol' Kiro Hero!" The interruption startled him, which basically means he opened his eyes a bit wider. He turned toward his audible assailant. "Yes?" Before the pie-loving pony could answer, Iron Hoof broke in. "It appears this is where we part ways, for we will be attending separate classes due to our different interests." Peach looked crestfallen. Completely, utterly, crestfallen. "B-but...I thought...we...we w-would be together...for...f-forever!" Her eyes widened to massive proportions, and childish tears welled up in her boundless eyes.

"Please refrain from such unsophisticated behavior. It is quite disdainful." Akihiro was completely unmoved by this display of loyalty to her new "friends". She is so naive. Does she truly believe me to be a friend to her? Innocence is a virtue, and yet in the real world, brings naught but disappointment and despair. Accomplices we were, but now they are only tools to assist in my escape. Having informants in multiple locations is a must in order for successful intelligence gathering. That is one of the basics of espionage.

It wouldn't do him any good to alienate the few acquaintances he had, so he decided to simply "smile", and say: "Even if we have been assigned to various incongruous sub-sects of this commodious latitude, it would certainly be of benefice for us to maintain an affiliation, at least at this present time." Peach sniffled a little, smiled, and gave a little nod. Akihiro turned and prepared to start a methodical exploration of his new prison, when he suddenly found himself put into a headlock by the pony that had been all rainbows and sunshine a few seconds ago.

"Well, yer fancy speech was touchin' and all, but ya' don't think you could put it inta somethin' more resemblin' equestrian? Ya know?" She continued to partially strangle the unfortunate foal while smiling in a less friendly, more...interesting way. Akihiro was doing his best to resist gagging. He was never one for athletics, and such a position rendered him quite helpless. As he was quite helpless, he was quite pissed. "I would greatly appreciate it if you removed your appendages from my trachea and permitted my normal respiratory function!"

It took quite some time and quite a large effort on the part of a certain Iron Hoof to quell the dispute. Peach was eyeing Akihiro suspiciously and Akihiro was rubbing his sore throat, but at least they weren't literally at each other's throats anymore. With that little spat behind them, the three musketeers went their separate ways. For the time being, at least.