Warriors Inc.

by Yoni

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3853

Who do you call when you need to use extreme prejudice? Warriors Inc. Where the best warriors and the lowest prices can be found

Celestia is desperate, the Gryphon Empire is knocking on her borders and her army is lacking in... well, everything.

Her only hope lies in... Warriors Inc! Where you can rent every type of warrior for dirt cheap prices to rain fire and brimstone onto your enemies!

Published 2015-01-02 23:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-02 23:50:06 UTC

We have enough gun control, what we need is an idiot control

"My name is Commander Shepard and this is my favorite establishment in Equestria," said a recorded message as Celestia and Luna stepped into a specious looking reception area. There was a long desk straight ahead of them with big sign above it spelling 'Warriors Inc.' in flashy red letters.

A few sofas lined both sides of the room with several beings sitting there, a few even reading old tabloids while waiting their turn.

"Sister, are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Luna. Her eyes darted from creature to creature with various levels of discomfort.

"Oh relax, Lulu. This place is totally legit, and the reviews are positive. Besides, it's not like we have lots of options," replied Celestia, giving her sister a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

Celestia then walked towards the receptionist with Luna close behind. Once she reached the desk, Celestia tapped the bell. A loud 'ding' emanated from the bell as Luna felt every eye in the room suddenly stare at her and her sister.

Celestia cleared her throat and said, "Excuse me? Can you help me please?"

The receptionist, a tall and slender human clad in a black silk suit smiled warmly at Celestia and stood from his seat. "Goodness gracious, if it isn't Celestia! My, my, what an honor, what an honor!"

Celestia giggled and offered a hoof. The receptionist immediately shook her hoof with vigor. "I must say," started Celestia, "I wasn't expecting that."

"And why wouldn't you," said the receptionist. He released Celestia's hoof but still held a wide grin across his face. "You are, after all, a royalty. Oh, and I see you brought your sister as well! What a day!"

Luna felt herself being shoved by her sister to the front desk. Without Celestia to partially conceal her, she felt like she was a little filly again, appearing on stage in front of countless ponies during school's play.

Shakily, Luna brought her hoof for a hand/hoof shake as well. To say that she was surprised when the receptionist kissed her hoof instead would be an understatement of the millennium. Luna's cheeks exploded with warmth as she blushed profusely, her words died in her mouth and she was left with a partially opened mouth and eyes the size of dinner plates.

Celestia smiled cheekily before stepping forward. "We're here on business. Is there a magazine for us to browse or-"

"On no, no, no!" the receptionist hurried to say. "There's no way in hell I'm letting you sit here with these simpletons." He then sat back down and clicked a button on the desk. "Mr. Jehovah sir, I'm sending you two ladies if you don't mind."

"Did they schedule an appointment?" a slightly disoriented voice came from a speaker, also implemented in the desk.

"No, but I believe you'd very much like to meet them in person," said the receptionist.

There was a long pause in which the receptionist simply smiled reassuringly to the two princesses. After a while, the voice said, "Sure, why not. I'm free for the day anyway. Bring them to my office."

"Right away Mr. Jehovah."

The receptionist rose from his sit, revealing just how much tall he truly was. He dinged the bell and another, shorter human came to replace him.

"Right this way please," he said as he started walking towards an elevator. He pressed the golden button and waited a few seconds until the elevator doors opened up with a 'ding'.

He stepped inside the gestured for Celestia and Luna as well. Once the two princesses were inside the elevator, the receptionist pressed a button with the number 333 engraved on it.

Upon closer look, Celestia discovered that there are more than just 333 floors. There were also underground floors. The bottom one is -666.

"Why so many floors," she asked.

"Oh, that's because here at Warriors Inc. we don't just rent the warriors, we also provide them with proper housing. Everything below the ground floor is Mr. Satan's territory. His area of expertise includes the armies of the damned, demons, fell creatures, undead warriors, and etcetera. The floors above the ground floor are Mr. Jehovah's domain. He's in charge of angels, divine beings, demigods and other holy warriors, but don't let that fool you. We have a much wider variety for you to choose from," the receptionist replied without missing a beat. "We have mercenaries, assassins, modern soldiers, space marines, and a lot more. We also rent armies, but those are for our more… resourceful clients."

The elevator doors opened up with a ding as the receptionist stepped back to let Celestia and Luna out first while simultaneously getting an eyeful of mare plot, much to Celestia's amusement and Luna's discomfort.

Once all three were out, the receptionist took the lead as he walked down the brightly lit halls. Both to the left and right were lined hundreds of cubicles. Each one contained a human in front of a screen. The sound of typing was almost unbearable.

"Hey Abel," called a human from one of the cubicles. The receptionist stopped and looked at the sitting human with a smile.

"Yes John, what is it?"

"Are you free for tonight, because I know this awesome brothel down the street-"

"I'm afraid I cannot John," replied Abel as he looked suggestively at Luna. "I might have other plans for tonight."

Luna felt a new rush of warmth cover her face as she started fanning herself with a hoof. "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" she laughed nervously.

Abel smiled as he bid John goodbye and led the two princesses into a door on the other side of the room.

"Just a moment my ladies," said Abel as he knocked on the door trice and poked his head through the threshold. "Excuse Mr. Jehovah sir, our guests have arrived, should I bring them here.

"Of course! Come in, come!" a burly voice called from within.

Abel nodded once and opened the door fully, letting the two princesses in before closing the door, leaving the two sisters alone with another human, though he was slightly different. He had a black suit and a silky black hair combed backwards and he had a very subtle Balbo. As he stood up to greet the princesses, they saw a pair of white wings spreading from the back of the man. Another distinctive feature was the small halo hovering on top of the man's head.

"Ahh… you must be our guests, I presume. Mr. Abel sounded very excited over the intercom and I can clearly see why. To have two beautiful mares visiting my humble business is an honor," the man said as he bowed his head in respect. "My name, as you probably have guessed, is Jehovah Christ, but you can simply call me Jehovah."

Celestia stepped forward and extended her hoof. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Jehovah. I am Princess Celestia, and this is my sister, Princess Luna," said Celestia, gesturing to her sister.

Jehovah spent no time in grabbing Celestia's hoof and shaking it firmly, yet gently. "Ahh yes, I knew I recognized you from somewhere. I must say Celestia, the poems of your radiant beauty does not do you justice."

He finished his hand shake with a kiss upon Celestia's hoof. This time, it was her turn to blush as she put her hoof to her mouth.

"Oh my, what a gentleman," she praised. Jehovah's chest puffed in pride before he realized something.

"Wait a bloody minute! You came here. That means you need our services, am I correct?"

Celestia nodded once. "Yes. The Gryphon Empire is getting a bit too frisky along our shared borders, and the Equestrian guards are not the most competent when it comes to actual fighting, as seen during the changeling invasion."

"You are too soft with them, Tia," argued Luna. "Six mares brought down an entire changeling invasion, this is a disgrace!"

"I know Lulu, that's why we're here," replied Celestia before focusing on Jehovah again. "I was hoping I could hire an army to teach those gryphon bastards a lesson."

Jehovah nodded excitedly and said, "I must say, I cannot agree more. Those overgrown birdbrains made no effort to hide their hostility towards my business. And as an old saying goes,' The enemy of my enemy is my friend.' I would be more than happy to assist you with any matter involving turning their empire into a giant Kentucky Fried Chicken branch."

Celestia smiled warmly and clapped her hooves together like a school filly. "Wonderful! Shall we strike a deal?"

Jehovah did a double take. "What?! No way. You're guests of honor. It would only be fair to give you a tour before we talk business. That of course, if you would let me."

Celestia giggled again as she tried to hide her blush. "I see no reason why we shouldn't."

"Excellent! Then let us begin the tour right away," said Jehovah and he opened the door to his office and started walking back to the elevator. "As you can see, this place is where all the technical sizzle wizzle is happening. We have full customer service, tech support, R&D, shipping and receiving, and many more. Everything is connected so there won't be any problems along the way. Warriors Inc. prides itself for being the best, and only, warriors rental business in Equestria and many other worlds.

Once Jehovah reached the elevator, he let the princesses step first before joining in, pressing button number 332.

Within seconds, the doors to the elevator opened and Jehovah took the lead again. The elevator opened up to a catwalk overlooking countless humans and other creatures far below.

"This is the orientation level," Jehovah explained. "Here we test and label the various warriors. This is a very important step, as it allows us to properly classify where warriors should go. It makes it easy for our customers to find what particular warriors they look for."

As Jehovah finished his explanation, a centaur appeared wearing a pair of glasses and holding a clip board. "Mr. Jehovah sir, do you have a second?"

Jehovah sighed but other than that, showed no signs of displeasure. "Sure, why not. But make it quick."

"We seem to have a problem labeling a certain warrior. He has superior melee strength and skill, yet he claims to have ranged attacks."

Jehovah rubbed his chin in thought before saying, "Is he here, can you show me?"

The centaur nodded and gestured to one of the workers down. The worker immediately fetched who Jehovah guessed was the warrior. He was clad in iron armor and had a horned helmet on his head.

"So," Jehovah called, leaning against the rails. "My subordinate tells me you have quite the range attacks. Feel like proving him right?"

The warrior in question nodded before taking a big breath…

"FUS... ROH DAH!"

The shout was immediately followed by a thunderous boom that echoed across the room. A magical forced crashed into Jehovah and flung him the rail of the opposite side of the catwalk, his face was that of a shock.

"My goodness," he whispered.

"Jehovah, are you okay?" asked Celestia. Jehovah shook his head a few times to stop the ringing and then smiled wildly.

"It looks like we have another special," he exclaimed, completely ignoring Celestia's question and looking down at the warrior. "I want him branded as all-rounder!" he shouted.

The warrior nodded in satisfaction and followed the workers as they led him to his new living space.

"All-rounder?" inquired Celestia.

"Yes," Jehovah replied. "All-rounders are warriors with a wide variety of abilities. We have a lot of those here, and they usually cost more to rent, but they sure as hell worth the money."

"I see. And where to you keep your warriors?"

Jehovah smiled at that. "I thought you'd never ask." He went back to the elevator with the princesses in tow and pressed button number 331.

Another floor down, and the three stepped out from the elevator. Now this floor was different from the rest. It wasn't filled with cubicles like the top one. And it wasn't a catwalk either. In fact, it looked like a hotel hall. Deep red carpet went all the way to the other side of the hallway and dark brown doors lined both of its sides.

"This, as well as every other floor from here all the way to the reception area, is the living areas. Each warrior gets his own apartment that he's allowed to use whenever he wants," Jehovah explained as he started walking down the hall.

"Our warriors get the best of services, and in turn, they are bound to the company as its warriors. We also have entire armies, though we're not housing every single one."

Jehovah stopped in front of a random door and opened it. Inside there, there were four human looking figures. The only difference was that they were much taller.

The four were lounging on the sofa, drinking beer and having a good time. One of the figures, the youngest one, saw Jehovah and raised

a beer bottle in his direction. "Hey boss, I see you brought company!"

"I did, Jonathan, but not for your enjoyment I'm afraid," Jehovah replied before turning to the princesses. "These four are actually brothers. There's Jonathan." He pointed at the youngest.

"What's up!" Jonathan cheered.

"Then there's Jetno," Jehovah continued.

"Yo," Jetno cried.

"Kaizer."

"Hello."

"And Sihn-Lah."

"Hey."

"And what is their specialty?" asked Luna, looking at the four with curiosity.

"Oh you know, the god kind," Jehovah replied nonchalantly.

"Gods?" asked Celestia, her eyebrow slowly rising.

"Actually, deities if you don't mind," said Sihn-Lah before gulping an entire bottle of beer and slamming it on the table.

"Are they for rent?" Asked Celestia.

Unfortunately, Jehovah shook his head.

"I'm deeply sorry Celestia, but another man had already hired them. some writer who goes by the name of Yoni the One Hundredth and Fourteenth. Rather strange fella I must add."

Sensing Celestia's disappointment, Jehovah quickly stepped forward. "Don't you worry, Celestia. I'll help you find a warrior that would drink the blood of your enemies even if it's the last thing I'll do."

"Aww, that's the sweetest thing someone have ever said to me," Celestia cooed, smiling sweetly at Jehovah as Luna was making fake retching noises at the cheesy display.

Finally tearing their eyes from one another, Jehovah and the sisters started walking down the hallway again. On their way to where Jehovah was taking them, the sisters would sometime catch a glimpse at a warrior whenever they passed an opened door.

They saw a human wearing black and red armor with the N7 logo of the shoulder, a group of hooded men with blades attached to their wrist, a boy with a straw hat and a scar under his eye, a man with blond afro and absurd long nose hair, and many more.

Finally, Jehovah reached the other end of the floor, which was actually a balcony. He gestured for the two princesses to take a look, and what they saw left their mouths agape.

The ground was filled with soldiers of all kinds. Romans, marines, Spartans, halo Spartans, samurais and other factions the princesses could not even name. There was no way to see the ground at all, and that was just the ground. The sky had enormous spaceships, helicopters, flying mechs, dragons, and pretty much anything that was both destructive and air born.

"This!" Jehovah gestured to the army with both arms spread wide, "Is the everything included bundle! This army will kill, destroy, rape, and pillage anything in its wake. They are tougher to defeat than breaking a brick wall with a flaccid penis. Rent these bad boys and I guarantee you one hundred percent satisfaction, and if you're not, your money shall be returned to you at full."

Celestia looked at the army, and then at Jehovah. Back at the army, and back at Jehovah again. "I think I'm in love," she whispered.

"Oh for the love of…" Luna smacked herself in the forehead.

"Would you like to go to my office and sign the papers now my ladies?" Jehovah offered.

"Oh yessssss…" Celestia slurred, practically melting on Jehovah as the man himself draped a wing across her back.

On their way back, one of the doors slammed open and out came an angry looking, paled skin man, and another, bearded one, after him.

"I will have my revenge!"

"THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAA…"

They yelled respectively before he dashed to the balcony and jumped off it.

"Not again," Jehovah sighed as he rubbed the side of his head. "Damn spartans."

"What's wrong, who are they?" asked Celestia, looking intrigued and confused.

"Oh, don't mind Kratos and Leonidas, they're having another tantrum. We tried to terminate their contract twice, but… let's just say they were not pleased."

"So why not just kill him?" Luna asked as if there was nothing wrong with her statement, though Jehovah's response was more surprising.

"What do you think terminating a contract means? Twice! We killed them twice. And in both occasions they simply broke free, killed however was in charge, and slipped right through. We had to keep their contract so they won't tear me a new one."

"Sounds dangerous," commented Celestia.

Jehovah nodded his head. "They are, but as long as we give them enough breathing space they won't completely tear us apart."

The rest of the walk was thankfully uneventful. The warriors were either resting or preparing to depart.

When they reach the elevator, the three stepped inside, only accompanied by a single man as well. He had, much like Jehovah, a black suit and a black hair combed back, but what set him apart from Mr. Jehovah himself was his red skin, two horns jutting from his forehead, and a long pointy tail.

"Ah, Satan, what a surprise seeing you on the upper levels," Jehovah greeted the man as the two shook hands.

"A pleasure meeting you too Jehovah, as for the reason why I'm all the way up here is because there may have been a misplacement of one of the warriors."

"A misplacement?" Jehovah raised his eyebrow.

"Yeah, some rouge ninja named… uhh, let me check real quick." Satan pulled a small tablet from his pocket and fiddled with it for a few moments. "Ahh, here he is. Orochimaru. He was qualified as a ninja warrior although he's supposed to be qualified as a fell creature, considering he's well beyond the boundaries of mortality."

"I see, so you're going to the uppermost level to sort this out, I presume?"

"Indeed I am, Jehovah. You wouldn't mind if I borrow an employee for a moment, are you?"

"Not at all Satan. But please, don't take any more souls with you this time. It's hard finding qualified workers."

Satan laughed wholeheartedly before patting Jehovah on the back. "I will keep that in mind Jehovah. And thanks."

Satan stepped out as soon as the elevator's doors opened and took a sharp turn towards the long row of seemingly random cubicles. Jehovah was second to leave the elevator, motioning the two princesses back to his office. Once he was seated, Jehovah turned on his computer and typed something in quick succession.

"So," he began, "You want an army, I have an army. I want money, you have money. Do I need to say more?"

Celestia nodded and smiled politely. "That would be no. I do believe our business is just about concluded." Celestia suddenly turned to Luna. "Lulu, do you mind waiting for me in the chariot? It will only take a moment."

Luna quickly exchanged looks between Celestia and Jehovah. "What are you planning, Tia?" inquired Luna, her voice turned accusing.

Celestia lifted a hoof to her chest and gasped in mock hurt. "Me? Planning? Don't be ridiculous, Lulu. Now please, to the chariot," Celestia sing-songed.

"Tia, I really don't think-"

"Chariot~"

"Hrmph! Fine!"

Luna rose from her seat and took her leave, looking rather peeved. When Luna exited her line of sight, Celestia released a sigh of relief. "Good, I don't want her to know."

"Know what?" asked Jehovah, a knowing smile adorning his lips.

Celestia chuckled nervously while rubbing the back of her head. "Well, you see, heh, heh… This is rather embarrassing, but the truth is…"

"That you're scrounging for shrapnel?" suggested Jehovah.

Celestia hung her head low. "Well… let's just say that I haven’t got quite enough Dosh to be Posh."

Jehovah nodded in understanding. "I understand. You'd be surprised at how many people come to me, begging for warriors despite being broke. But alas, I cannot make business if I get nothing in return, otherwise it would not be called business."

"Surely there must be something that I can give you!" Celestia started to panic. The harsh truth was that her army was a bunch of foals with the incompetence of flees. In fact, they were so weak that they will probably die if an enemy farts in their general direction.

Jehovah hummed for a moment while rubbing his chin. "I don't know, it's a really tough decision…"

"Please, I'll do anything!" pleaded Celestia, going down on the floor.

A wicked smile suddenly appeared on Jehovah's face. "Anything you say?"

"Stupid Celestia. I'm so putting laxatives in her cake when we get back," grumbled Luna as she stood by the chariot. "I mean, who is she to tell me, a princess, what to do and how to act. 'Luna do this', 'Luna do that', 'Luna you became an egotistical and evil monster and now I'm forced to send you to the moon but I'm actually feel such pleasure that I came a little'."

As she finished her rant, the doors to Warriors Inc. opened and out came Celestia with a smile on her face.

"And what are you so happy about?" Luna asked sarcastically.

"On nothing," answered Celestia as she entered the chariot, Luna following closely. "I simply managed to hire an army without costing us one bit."

"Wait a moment," said Luna. She summoned a glass of water and took a generous sip… before promptly spitting all of it on Celestia. "HOW?!"

After cleaning her face, Celestia answered without missing a heartbeat. "I've arranged a double date with Jehovah. He's going to take me for date this evening."

Luna started at Celestia wide eyed. "You… are going out on a date with Jehovah… for an army?"

"No silly," replied Celestia, "WE are going on a date. I did mention in was a double date, after all."

"Wait. If you're going out with Jehovah, then who-"

A loud whistle interrupted Luna's speech. She stared out of the window and saw Able looking at her with a smug grin. He lifted a hand and extended his index and middle finger, sticking his tongue between them.

Luna quickly averted her gaze from the window, her cheeks fiery red. "Oh fuck…"