Equestria for dummies. (A guide fo your advantures to the, world of ponies)

by BaileyWolfBushey

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 2486

So you want to visit Equestria? To risk your personal life, just for a rather unusual visit to a distant planet? Well than today is your lucky day!

This guide you are about to read will cover the basics of, Equestrian life. Consider this "Fan Fiction" (Between you & me, we know Equestria & ponies exist right?) a helpful friendly tour guide for your adventures & discoveries, during your trip. This "Fiction" (I hate that word!) shall give you a clear vision of the country side & the expectations of Equestria.

Of course I cant cover the complete area of the planet or the creatures that, may strive upon it's surface but from my knowledge of Ponoielodgey, (Yes I'm forming a new scientific word for pony studying. Deal with it!) this story shall & will guide you for most of your trip.

What are we waiting on adventurer? Lets begin!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-07 01:17:09 UTC

Guide note one: Getting Started

            So you want to go to Equestria? That's the spirit! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Jonathan .S. Parks & I'm the smart one to find, & the founder of probably one of the most successful dimension traveling services, Galaxy Industries. Our scientists in our labs are & forever will be, the first to discover dimension traveling with the use of teleportation, at Galaxy Industries we ensure to provide you with the most atmospheric feel to adventure towards an alien planet... (Black Mesa & Aperture Science can kiss it!)

            Now You've chosen the planet known as Equestria, so I'm guessing you might be a Brony. Now I'm not trying to get my panties up in a knot but really? why be known as a Brony, when there are way more suitable names for you're Religious Cult. Maybe something like.... Equestrian lovers? Ugh I'm getting off track! I apologies but you are a customer & you have 60$ money is money. Now before you enter the mysterious planet you must have the knowledge of the world & knowledge is power!

            This travelers handbook is specifically designed for you, so lets begin. To get you started we will discuss the many creatures that strive upon the planet (Ponies,Dragons, ETC.) there are 3 main races of Ponies. The Pegasus, The Earth & The Unicorns but watch out from the Unicorns & Earth Ponies, I'll explain why. The Unicorns magic compared to the Human body is relentless! One touch of magic & you might as well kiss the sky, because that's the last thing you'll see before... Well you know what happens next. Boy it reminds me of one story about Michael, poor son of a gun's face got melted away during the war! Don't ever ask about the war.

            Now I haven't analysis the hooves kick of the Earth Ponies but I'm guessing this, The back hooves & the Human body are not he best of friends. It's best to keep a good distance from the Earth Ponies & Unicorns unless you've balanced a hard working relationship with them, but I doubt you will no offence.

            Now you are the first Human to travel to Equestria in over 5555555.5555 years, so the ponies wouldn't be aware of your species & some may use hostile force (Once again watch out from the Unicorns & Earth race) I'm not throwing a Human out into danger here because Galaxy Industries will watch you, at all times. Please don't sue us! We almost had a law case from another adventurer, because we were monitoring him while he was doing his duty... If you know what I mean. Monitoring equals safety & safety equals happiness, remember that.

            Each Chapter beyond this handbook shall go over what we know about the land, & hopefully aid you in your adventure so good luck from Galaxy Industries! Now lets zap you in the teleported & I'll keep in contact.

Unit 2: Locations/Area's

Welcome to Unit two of the handbook, before we start discussing about your location & other such places, we at Galaxy Industries would like to remind you that we are not responsible for your actions. I currently don't know what the Brony's tend to do, but we are not responsible for the following: Stealing a Pony, frightening ponies, proposing to a Pony, Or if possible Doing more than proposing to a Pony, (Trust me we know what Cloppers are capable of) All the actions listed are all on you not us! so be smart on the trip.

Now after that was cleared up let's begin... You may of noticed the small device upon your hand, don't loose it! place the sucker somewhere safe possibly in your pocket. As of right now you are in one of the seven keen locations of Equestria (Well as far as we know) PonyVill, Canterlot, The EverFree Forrest, The Crystal Kingdom, AppleLoosa, Manehatten, CloudsDale. Throughout this chapter we will discuss each location & what you might expect of it's Vicinity, however we will not discuss the breeds of ponies that inhabit the area. That's for another chapter/Unit.

Ponyvill is one of the best known towns in Equestria but as well known, it may be it's also very generic & boring. Out of all the places on the planet striving with the smell of a ponifed Industrial Revolution, building with technology more superior than our technology (Hahaha that was a joke) Ponyvill tends to be an area of "Living in the past" if you will. Oh & that reminds me Galaxy Industries are also not responsible, if you die of boredom but wouldn't blame you. Anyways you get the point, but Ponyvill is a hotspot for most of the races of ponies Unicorns, Earth & Pegasus. Oh did I even mention of the goods you might stumble upon at Ponyvill, the most popular shopping area's include The Central Library, (Which is now destroyed so you might not be able to visit, Tragic) A fashion/Clothing shop. & a bakery. So there's that.

During your visit to Ponyvill I would love to advice you not to eat any of the goods you might stumble upon. Yes I know the sweets may look, rather delightful but trust me buddy the only delight you shall receive is interior bleeding mixed with some pain, screaming, crying & eventually if lucky, death..... (Just don't eat the damn food! Okay? Thanks!)

Now let's start chatting about Canterlot. If you might have noticed that dazzling castle hanging from the shinny peaks of mountains, than you might have noticed that you my friend are not blind! congrats your vision is not impaired, we at Galaxy Industries are happy for you & wish the best for your future... That was a joke obviously but seriously though, if you can still see from the transportation traveling than consider, yourself lucky. Many travelers became blind after their trip, so that's also a tragedy.

Anyways that castle you see is the home of the two princesses who control the land, Princess Celestia the ruler of day & the one who rises the sun & Princess Luna the ruler of night & the one who raises the moon. Now from what I've gathered there was a little accident with the Luna fellow, you know she was jealous of her tyrant sister, she wanted eternal, blah blah blah blah blah... that's a story for another unit.

Canterlot is considered one of the most must visit places in Equestria, mainly due to it's "dazzling" & "remarkable" art. The Royal Guards are mostly stationed in Canterlot, for the protection of the princesses however there is more the just two princesses & not all of them live in Canterlot. Other such locations for the Royal Guards are The Crystal Kingdom, Ponyvill & I think that's about it. Canterlot is also a huge shipping dock for goods to other such places across Equestria, so that makes the city in a whole a mass producing economic giant oh & they have a lot of money. Now because of Canterlot being a "showoff" it's the main targeted city for possible attacks, which many came from The Changelings, Dire Plant's, Rebels, & other such threats. If you attend to visit than make it quick because, trust me it's not the safest place on Earth, than again no place is safe for you....

The Everfree Forest is an immediate danger zone, but of course you may ignore my advice concerning the forest & why you shouldn't step two feet on it's vicinity. If you are not one of those rebellious jackoffs & hippie adrenaline junkies than listen up buddy, because you might find yourself under a situation with no conclusion. Do you hate dark mazes with shivering creatures possibly slithering up your back? If you've answered no, than just stop reading this page & go get yourself lost or killed, because when you ask me for help I'll be cracking up watching the idiot who reenacted The Little Red Riding Hood. Wait you've answered Yes? Oh my mistake adventurer now lets get started!

Anyways The Everfree Forest covers up to thirty acres of land blocking off the routes to Ponyvill from Canterlot, due to it's gothic look many unknown species flee to the forest to seek refuge from the, neglect of Canterlot officials. During the Unicorn war resistance members would use, the surrounding for Guerrilla Warfare & also as a secondary homing spot. Secret illegal trades of stolen Canterlot goods are also exchanged in the area.

The reason I advice you not to enter the area is because of, the poisons left in the air, Traps, Unknown creatures, blah blah blah blah... Just don't enter the area okay?

I can't really say much of Cloudsdale because of the obvious... It's in the darn sky & unless you've underwent a strange mutant change in your body, that made you grow a pair of wings than you should obviously know that you can't fly. All I can really say about Cloudsdale, is that it's the home of the Wonder Bolt's! Oh & also Pegasus.

Now, it's time to discus Appleloosa. Ha! I love it! besides for that one recent incident, that happened so long ago but that's nothing. Appleloosa think of it as a dustbowl minus the bowl, the area is torn down to smithereens but there is always a light side of the tunnel. The town's folk seem to be quite a friendly bunch, & by that I mean extremely friendly but with some minor issues towards another tribe, I'll explain later. Anyways the town holds most of the oil foundries that is usually up for trade with Ponyvill, the ambassadors representing Ponyvill are willing to trade over $200,000,000,000 pounds of bit's (That's their representation of money) for a 10 year supply of oil. Canterlot offers double if not triple more than Ponyvill  but that's up to them, anyways the money is used for advancing the town into the modern age & who can blame them, between you & me I felt as if I traveled back into time just thinking about the place.

Now the town is isolated due to the majority of buffalo tribes living outside the limits, so the only the safe path into Appleloosa is by locomotive (That's train smart one!) now the tribes of buffalo & the citizens of Appleloosa, are not really the best of friends. I know I know I'm getting into the story of racism, as if that really did exist in Equestria but there is a reason! My knowledge may be far pitched but the constant trade for oil grew tremendously, until the land grew dry of the oil product. So the citizens of the town took arms & raided the tribal controlled villages for one key thing, Land & oil! Oh wait that's two things, oh well screw it! I'm not counting. Ever since then, the buffalo would block off any exit's just for revenge & yet they still aren't aware of the locomotive transportation entrance & exit. Ha clever! I'll give one point to Appleloosa, zero to the buffalo unless they put some knowledge into that noggin son!

My advice, be curious & don't enter any unassay battles or you'll die.... Completely.

I've stumbled upon some reports that the lab rats gave me, if you fell a sudden spike of anxiety within your mental lobe then that's normal. The best possible answer I could give you is that, your body is not use to this kind of atmosphere so it may feel unlucky upon you.

In my opinion I think your body needs to grow a pair of *cough cough* I couldn't keep a straight face.

Now Manehatten is the most advanced city on the entire planet fleeing with life filled with skyscrapers from head down, but do you want to know how they did it? simple! they never built the skyscrapers nor the traffic lights or anything within the city limits. Yup the city was founded by chance & luck, the only thing the ponies did was tampering with the electricity only to make it work. From that point on everything seemed to fall in place, luckily the factories are still down so there's that.

Manehatten like I've mentioned, is one the most advanced city's in Equestria & the area is filled with company's & entertainment broad sections, such as Theater, Job appliances, stock markets, ETC. Most of the Equestrian money (bits) are stored in the national bank of Manehatten, the most controversial banking dock of Equestria. Scams & war shaming were all ties back to the national bank, but it was just rumors.

The population has increased at the city, by at least 50% & that number is constantly growing as of right now. Millions of different products thrive Manehatten into the growing corporation that controls the entire land "Omega Clearance Center" or "OCC" for short, the OCC is a trillion dollar company & the richest one in the world, just like us "Galaxy Industries" OCC produces almost anything from Military equipment, to homemade oil. Ha I love them! especially with the "Project Omega" plan, which is a start of production using the homemade oil under controlled situation. Soon they'll be more advanced than us! Can't stand them anymore.

The final location is The Crystal Kingdom, which is located in the snowy alps of Equestria (well most of the time snowy) the kingdom lives up to it's name, basically everything is built with gym's & crystals... spicy. The ruler of this kingdom is Princess Cadance but we'll talk about her in the next unit, spoilers! the kingdom is home to some form of an Olympic game or their version of our once proud Olympics, I prefer to see it as a rip off but that's me. Their Olympic games or whatever the hell you call it, invites all the different regions of Equstria to compete with each other under a specific game. Celebrations are held in The Crystal Kingdom over certain achievements or holidays, especially after that war that we've should've won.... Forget that I've mentioned that!

Now the first thing you've may have noticed once entering the kingdom, is that all the citizens are chiseled. That's normal I hope, from all I can gather is that the ponies do it for respect out of the princess. Hang on the lab rats handed me a report! & I quote "Don't even think about chiseling yourself with crystals, or you might be poisoned" don't try it, because  we are not paying for your medical bill!

This marks the end of "Unit 2" of your traveling book, if I forgot to mention any locations then tough luck kid because the world doesn't revolve around you.... It revolves around me. Next unit will be the celebrities of Equestria. See you then traveler!

Jonathan .S. Parks

CEO/Founder of Galaxy Industries

1/25/2099