Apollan' and Fluttertree
A Classical Reimagination and Retelling
By HoovesLikeJagger
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Once upon a time a long, long time ago when gods roamed free, magical creatures abounded, and a stallion could wear a robe in public and not get constantly heckled for wearing a dress, a lone Prince among the gods of Mount Ponympus was flying through the woods just for kicks. This was Apollan', son of the mighty and lusty thunder goddess Zelestius and some mortal piece of flank named Fleeto. Normally, he flew around with his twin sister Spitemis, but quite frankly Apollan' was an insufferable nuisance and she ditched him a ways back.
Exposition aside, Apollan' was flying around feeling pretty bored. All he desired was to fly around and eat the most succulent Apple Pies in all of Equestria. In fact, when he wasn't flying around and being a general pain in the flank, he was eating apple pie and being a general pain in the flank. He had some sort of job as a god, something to do with the sun, light or music and whatnot, but even when he was working he was being incredibly annoying. Thank Zelestius for that other sun god Helio Toilio, who wasn't a cumbersome and behemoth turd.
Anyway, Apollan' is flying through this forest trying to find someone to annoy, the thing he does best. Ask anypony on mount Ponympus! Complete and utter waste of space. Never has there been a god so-
"Narrator! Would you shut up and just get on with the story?" Apollan' whined like a litt-
"I'm serious! No one wants to read a whole story of you just making fun of me!"
Fine, have it your way...
Aaaanyway, Appolan' was flying through the forest by his lonesome. He came upon a clearing to rest for a moment, where he found the aspiring goddess of love, and by extension goddess of barnyard fowls, Scootaloopid. Now, Scootaloopid was just a tiny thing with little wings, so she could not fly. Appolan', who took up more space than the worth of his existence should allot him-
"Hey!"
-had nice big wings on which to fly on. He called out to the young god, saying:
"A find day to you young earth pony! What do think about the weather down on the ground?"
The young pegasus did not take well to this, and a verbal battle ensued.
"Shut up Apollan'! My parents say you're a mouth breathing waste of resources!" Scootaloopid was the love child of the most beautiful of the goddesses, Rarodite, and the hot-headed god of violence in war, Arie the Great and Powerful. Neither of them are on good terms, but that's a different story.
"You've no place to speak to me you little foal," Appollan' retorted, "You're not even a fully fledged goddess yet!"
"Well I will be one day! Once me and the Cupid Mark Crusaders create a stable and caring relationship between a stallion and a mare that doesn't revolve around guilt or sex, we'll be fully fledged goddesses of love!"
"Yeah, like that'll ever happen! Admit it! You're a flightless failure who'll never be a goddess!" Apollan' mocked her inferiority. However, Scootalupid didn't take kindly to being made fun off, especially by a resident of the very lowest crust of the intelligence circle.
"Huh? Crust?"
See what I mean? Scootaloopid and her Cupid Mark Crusaders were infamous for their special love poison. One sip would make anypony who partook in the poison would fall madly in love with the first person they saw. So of course, anypony of average intelligence knew not to accept a beverage from the fillies.
"Alright Appolan', you're right. I'll never amount to anything. As a reward, you can have a drink of this!" Scootalupid offered him a cup of her love poison. Appolan' quickly accepted and downed the whole thing.
...
I said: Appolan' accepted and downed the whole thing!
"No! I read what you said! I'm not touching that stuff!"
"C'mon Appolan'! Stop breaking the fourth wall and drink it!"
"There is nothing you can say to convince me to drink it!"
"It tastes like apple pie..."
Appolan' quickly accepted and downed the whole thing. Scootaloopid quickly scootered off, not wanting Appolan' to fall in love with her. When he realized the error he made, he quickly shut his eyes tight to make sure he didn't fall in love with anyone.
"Okay... I just have to not open my eyes... forever..." Appolan' decided to try and make his way back to Ponympus blindly. He flew every which way, bumping into trees, rocks, and all manner of underbrush. He wandered into a dense part of the forest, so dense that flying upwards blindly was impossible for him. Of course he couldn't know that and tried multiple times anyway. After many more times bumping his head and more aimless and blind wandering, it occurred to Appolan' that the forest was completely deserted. At the very least he could find out the general direction Ponympus was in.
Appolan' opened his eyes, a terrible mistake on his account. Well, actually, not really considering what he saw. The first thing he beheld was the forest nymph Fluttertree, daughter of the river god Steven Magnet. She was a beauty to behold and the kindest of souls. She was soft spoken and a friend to all of the animals in the forest. Although she was a famous beauty in this part of the forest, she had sworn herself to her purity. Everyone was perfectly okay with this and respected her decision because she also had this aura of a little sister that you wanted to remain pure forever anyway.
Under the influence of the love poison though, Appolan' only saw dat flank.
"She's even better than apple pie!" Appolan' took to his wings and set out to capture then rapture the young mare. Fluttertree noticed Appolan' approaching her with rapacious eyes, and immediately took to her wings as well. Thus, Appolan' and Fluttertree began their game of cat and mouse in the forest.
"Wait come back! I just want to make you my bride and do all the things that entails!" Appolan' pleaded with his love. Fluttertree wasn't keen on this idea and continued evading her lovestruck pursuer.
"Um... please... stop chasing me..." she tried to sway Appolan' with words, but under the influence of the love potion, Appolan' could not be swayed. To be honest though, a couple shots of whiskey would have the same effect. Heck, maybe even just one beer. Colts in general seem to think "no" means "yes" and "please stop" means "drag me back to your cave". There are an exceptional few gentlecolts out there who know how to treat a mare. I hear there is a certain narrator out there who falls into that category...
Anyway, Fluttertree managed to lose Appolan' momentarily and take refuge in a clearing in the forest. It was becoming increasingly obvious that Appolan' could neither be reasoned with or outrun. If there was anything Appolan' was good at, it was being unreasonable and sticking around when you didn't want him. Fluttertree was only inclined to daintily flit through the forest, so her flying wasn't all that fast.
So, Fluttertree did the one thing she could: she called daddy for assistance.
"Oh please Steven Magnet! Save me from this stallion's carnal desires... if... if you don't mind..." she prayed. Steven Magnet was quick to answer the cries of his daughter. He too could not stand the thought of his daughter being addled to that bird brained layabout. Thinking quickly, he changed the form of his daughter into that of a laurel tree because you can't take the purity of a laurel tree. I mean, I could have thought of about a million other options that didn't involve turning her into a plant, but Fluttertree actually liked her new body. She could still be a boon to the animals of the forest and no one would expect her to talk!
When Appolan' saw that his love had transformed into a tree, he should have been utterly disappointed. His feeling of love persisted though as he embraced his love's bark. While they could never be together as mare and stallion, he still wanted everypony to know how deep his affection for his lover was. It struck him in no way creepy that he was in love with a tree, weirdo...
He fashioned a wreath from her boughs and wore it upon his head wherever he went. He declared to the rest of Ponympus that the laurel crown will now and forever be a sign of victory and royalty. The gods and goddesses moved to disagree at first, but only because the idea was brought up by Appolan'. They had to admit though, the laurel crown did look pretty boss.
And so it was done. From that day on the greatest athletes would bear a crown a laurel leaves upon their brows and the mightiest emporers would be adorned with a crown of laurels as a sign of their authority. Appolan' declared he shall never love again in honor of his bark-fleshed lover, which was a comfort to all the single mares of Equestria.
Thusly, all lived happily ever after, except for Scootaloopid who didn't earn her place as a goddess only because she made the two fall in love as a prank.
THE END
