Changelings Are Screwed (Metaphorically)

by FlashBoltMayhem

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Random
Length: 1017

A human is tasked with taking down a hive. Also, fish.

Don, a human in Equestria, is tasked with taking down a changeling hive.

Will he succeed, or will he succeed? Find out now!

Also, fish.

Contains: randomness, fish, changelings, random fish, violence, crude-humor(?), questionable acts, and fish. [spoiler]Did I mention fish?[/spoiler]

Firstly, this isn't suppose to be serious (as if the Random tag wasn't a tip-off). I seriously don't know which corner of my mind this idea came from. Honest.

This story is written in the light (or shadow) of RainbowBob's blog post about his, er, stance on a certain emotion-eating species. Go check out his stories, they're good. [size=0.350em]Better than this is, anyway :v[/size]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-04 07:10:03 UTC

What.

“‘This. Is. BULLSHIT!” Don shouted as he sprinted through the caves, avoiding a beam of green magic. Turning the corner, he came to a stop and laid against the wall in wait.

“I know you’re here, human! Give up and I’ll only kill you a little bit!” yelled the changeling guard following him. The guard came around the corner only to have a hand clamp around his muzzle.

Pulling his hand up, Don thrusted his knife into the changeling’s neck, drawing green, goopy blood. The changeling gurgled as his eyes slowly dimmed.

Once the life of his opponent was extinguished, Don let go of the changeling’s muzzle, letting the bugger fall to the ground. He moved deeper into the caves, thinking of the events that brought him to the Hive Nest.

3 hours ago....

Don, a human who arrived in Equestria...somehow, was relaxing in his room in the Canterlot Castle (donated to him by the Princesses) when he heard a slight, steady rapping coming from the door. Getting up and walking over, he opened it to a gray unicorn stallion in golden armor.

“Don, the Captain requests your presence in his office,” the guard pony (who shall now be called Dicky McGee) said.

“Eh....any reason why?” Don asked. Dicky’s eyes widened.

“Did you just question Shining Armor’s request?” the stallion asked in shock.

“No, I was ju-” Don was cut off by taking a fish-slap to the face taking 7 points of damage. He was then picked up telekinetically by the guard.

“NO ONE QUESTIONS THE CAP’N’S ORDERS!” Dicky screeched before hurling the human into the floor.

Don crashed through and landed into a rather comfortable and exquisite chair in Shining’s office. Without a single scratch on him.

“Thanks Dicky, I can always rely on you!” Shining called through the hole in the ceiling.

“No problem Captain, sir,” Dicky said before turning into a cactus and pricking his way across the hall.

“Umm….” was all Don could say. And can you really blame him?

Shining looked to Don as if nothing had happened.

“Yes? You’ll volunteer so I don’t gotta guilt trip you? Great!” Shining exclaimed happily.

“Wait, I didn’t-”

“So here’s what you have to do, Don,” the Captain said before taking on a gruff voice. “Blah blah blah, changeling bitches, blah blah blah, revenge, blah blah blah, set fire to the entire hive, you’re the only one, good luck.”

Before Don could get another word in, he was teleported to a daylit clearing with what appeared to be a giant hole in the middle. By his side was a jerry can, a lighter, a trench-knife, rope, and...a fedora.

Don closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He sighed the sigh of a man who had given up on giving a shit.

Opening his eyes, Don grabbed the 5 items and walked towards the hole. Pouring some gas on the fedora, he lit it on fire and dropped it into the hole. The flaming...thing floated lazily to down to the center of the world.

With the vile evil gone, Don turned around and faced a cave. On top was a giant neon saying:

CHANGELINGS NOT HERE

UNLESS YOU’RE DAMN FINE, THEN WE’RE HERE

Shrugging, Don strutted forward in a runway-like walk, intending to make something pay for the absence of sanity he was suffering.

Present….

Don leaned against another wall, tired after being chased. The jerry can was tied to his back, the lighter was in his pocket, and the knife was in his hand.

“I don’t think I can go much longer,” Don muttered. Just then, 10 changeling guards came around another corner in the hallway. They stopped as they spotted the human, who saw them as well.

“...”

“Umm...if you don’t kill me, I’ll blaze you up?” Don said, though it sounded more like a question.

The changelings looked at each other, and then…

1 hour later….

Nine changeling guards huddled in a circle, smoking a green liquid substance rolled up in paper.

I’ll let your imagination figure out what happened to the tenth guard c;

“Damn, thish ish goosh shitsh rith here,” one of the changelings said with a dopey smile (get it?).

Don, however, was unaffected by the smoke. Taking advantage of the distraction, he poured gasoline all over the changeling guards (who responded by licking the gasoline off each other's chitinous hides), the hive walls, and a random pile of fishes that was there for no other reason than why not. He lead a trail away from the group towards the mouth of the cave.

When he reached the mouth, Don took the lighter and ignited the vapor trail. Flames danced along with vapors as the trail went ablaze. The human turned around and walked away in a slow-motion thug walk, because he was a badass.

And a badass never looks at the Michael (or is it Micheal? Michelle?) Bay explosion. Especially when it smells like roasted fish.

A ten day trek to the castle later….

“So, Don, how was your trip?” Captain Chuckle Fuck asked in a feminine voice.

“The mission was a success, Shining,” Don said. “I guess you could say that the changelings are-” Don equipped a pair of sunglasses, “-sleeping with the fishes.”

Shining Armor remained quiet for about 10 seconds. Then he proceeded to shoot the human with a Rock-It launcher loaded with fish-oiled dildos, because Don’s only weaksauce weakness was his allergy to fish.

Don died 3 days later due to “taking a slimy one up the ass".

Fish-fin.

Twilight’s left eye twitched once. Then twice. “Spike, have you been snorting crystal, again?” she half asked, half yelled into the other room.

“No, Twilight, just eating it.”

Twilight took the crappy story, written by her definitely stoned assistant, and sent it to a blazing Hell that all bad stories meet at the end of their lives (or the Fire for short).

And as it burns, one can smell the fish oil coming off of the crumpled page of-

The REAL end.