Pinkie Pie's Trials

by TOPF

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1201

Just your typical brony going to Equestria. As you'd expect, his unrelenting Asperger's makes all the ponies hate him, especially Pinkie Pie, who goes through the mud to undo the wrongs he's committed.

Just your typical brony going to Equestria. As you'd expect, his unrelenting Asperger's makes all the ponies hate him, especially Pinkie Pie, who goes through the mud to undo the wrongs he's committed.

Published 2015-01-07 20:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-07 20:10:03 UTC

A New Beginning

It’s a quiet Wednesday afternoon, and the immense weight of a stinking rotund lump bears down on a poor mattress as a frilly pink My Little Pony blanket covers it from its fat feet up to its acne-ridden mongoloid face. Its monstrous snore shakes the ground, which is littered with empty Mountain Dew bottles and all kinds of various dragon dildoes. Suddenly, a loud static noise from a 20 year old alarm clock pierces the ears of the slumbering lardass. Without the slightest sense of urgency, he groans as he takes his time in rolling left and right in an attempt to lift himself off the bed with momentum, as his superfluous body weight keeps him from making a natural exit off it. However, the brony is overzealous, and he flips himself off one side of it, falling on his back and dropping his adult diaper to his knees.

“Mom! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! Help me please!”

After several agonizing seconds of rolling helplessly and flailing his flabby limbs, his mother, a muscular and well-toned woman, storms into the dark, musty chamber to rescue him. (She works out at the gym regularly in preparation for this occurrence.) Used to seeing her adult son naked, she is unphased by his filthy microscopic genitals, and with some effort, she is able to lift her son back to his feet and secure the diaper around his waistside.

“Thanks, Mom.” he pants, wheezing with every labored breath.

“No problem, sweetie. I put a few Hot Pockets in the microwave for you. Should I bring them for you?”

The land whale’s mouth salivates at the thought of his regular lunch of two microwave sandwiches. “Yeah! Yeah! I would love some!”

His mother scans his cheeks for a spot with as little acne she can find, and she kisses it before leaving for the kitchen.

The brony slowly waddles toward the computer. After plopping himself onto the dirty and run-down chair, groaning at the shock of his obese body, he starts his computer and goes directly to Ponychan. He is a moderator there, and even though he is not paid for this menial task of safeguarding the image-board against obstreperous hordes of shitposting parasprites, (in spite of the laughable amount of genuine users) he very much fancies the undertaking productive as it is the only power he will ever have in his pathetic life. Subsequently, instead of the image-board’s home page, he is greeted by a black screen counting down from ten seconds. His pupils darting in every direction, he lets out a shrill, high-pitched scream, then starts coughing and wheezing uncontrollably. As a disorienting haze overcomes the beast's already questionable vision, the cretin slams his beefy fists into the keyboard in a futile attempt at keeping things under control. His attempts fail, and the computer explodes violently, engulfing the room in a violent torrent of fire and energy.

The brony now finds himself on his collapsing spine yet again, with a blinding white light before him, and the self-appointed Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle, staring back at him with a quizzical fire in her eye. Fatass is wondering if the erotic fanfiction he had written months before was finally becoming real. Hoping to ignore the abruptness and strangeness of the situation, and too stupid to ask any critical questions, he flexes his fat arms and makes a duck face, which he heard on the internet was what all the cool people did to seem more attractive.

“H-hey, T-Twilight,” he stutters, “w-what’s a s-sexy mare...like you.. d-doing w-with a… a… ripped s-stud like me?”

Princess Twilight gags and magically plugs her nose.

“Eek! It knows my name! And I think it wants to… c-copulate with me!” She peers over her shoulder to a regal white alicorn adorned with gold and gems.. “Princess Celestia! Did we do it right? I think this one’s botched!”

The brony furiously scratched his eyes as he is not accustomed to light from anywhere except his computer screen, and he adjusts just well enough to see Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadence beside Twilight.

Celestia shakes her head despondently, “No, Twilight, our experiment is not ‘botched’. This has been done the same way with all of my previous students. Perhaps, this one simply comes from a very strange and unpleasant population of animals from an arctic biome. A crossbreed of hairless monkey and walrus, likely.” Celestia’s eyes shift to the flagrant autist. Beads of sweat cling to his face like his tight thrift-shop pink t-shirt clings to his clammy body. It is disgusting, but Celestia's loving smile stands firm. “Hello, creature. Welcome to Equestria. In case you don’t already know, I am Princess Celestia, sovereign of Equestria. We are a principality of ponies. Luckily for you, you will find my little ponies to be a tolerant and welcoming bunch.” The moron’s eyes are blank and glazed over; he fails to register her words as he fondly imagines the princesses farting on his face and pleasuring him with their tongues, “This is because we teach them about the magic of friendship. It is a very special thing that you are fortunate enough to learn before we send you back home. Stranger, can you tell us your name?”

His stare is still empty. With his mouth slightly agape, and drool dribbling from its crevices, he is made lucid by Twilight snapping magic fingers at him. “Tell us your name!” she snaps.

“Oh! M-my name? It’s… Dick. Yep. Name’s Dick. Don’t wear it out”

“How appropriate.” mutters Luna under her breath.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Dick. I would love for you to stay here so we could learn more about you, but my most loyal and faithful vassal, Twilight Sparkle, must take you to her town of Ponyville so that you may begin your lessons on friendship.”

“Celestia!” shouts Twilight, “What about-”

“Oh, Twilight Sparkle,” sighs Celestia, “do you not know how busy I am? I have a principality to govern. As much as I would love to help you, I simply do not have the free time to help you with Dick. You are a princess now, and as such, you have responsibilities, and Dick is one of those responsibilities. Remember all I’ve taught you about friendship.”

Twilight grunts and slaps her hoof on her forehead. “Come on, Dick,” she says, “follow me. I’ll take you to Ponyville.”

Tears fall from Dick’s beady eyes as he bawls and rocks side to side on his back, flailing his arms.

“Ugh. What? You can’t get up?”

Dick violently shakes his head, whimpering like a dog as Twilight, her brows strained and teeth gritted, does the Herculean act of magically lifting him on his feet.

“There. Now come on!”

Twilight huffs out of the room, with the lardass following closely behind, his belly, butt, and thighs jiggling liberally with each stomp of his feet.

Author's Note

There are 8 more chapters planned for this. I felt I must point this out in case your *ahem* special personality quirks caused you to think this is a complete fic despite the "incomplete" tag to the left of the word count.