Shuteye

by MonolithiuM

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Random
Length: 1143

An anon deals with a Princess invading his most personal of spaces.

In the spirit of No Comment, another jab at a common human/pony interaction involving finding a pony occupying a human's bed.

Anon comes back home after burning down a Buffalo Wild Wings buying groceries to find Princess Celestia in his bed. Anon would rather her leave, but she has other ideas. Naturally, Anon takes offense and handles the situation with the utmost tact and respect.

Trigger Warning: I talk about the long-fabled vagina. Oh, also a bundle of sticks.

Published 2015-01-16 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-16 03:40:01 UTC

A Sleeper for Two

Anon closed the front door behind him, making sure to lock those small, day-glo equines out from his life. Not once had he ever had a pony inside his home. Any conversation could be held with him at the door and them on the 'Not Welcome' mat outside. Anon briefly thought about getting a 'Not Welcome' mat but he cast the idea aside as he acknowledged how cheap he is. The suited man walked into his kitchen and set his groceries down on the small island in the center of the room. Wanting a drink, he poured himself a glass of orange juice and drank heartily.

Living in Ponyville had been mostly peaceful, except for the occasional town-wide panic attack that would occur every now and then. That pink nuisance had tried time and again to get all buddy-buddy with him, even after he stated his reservations. There was even that one time she tried breaking into his house for some kinda party. He allowed himself a small smile as he thought about Pinkie's face when she was rejected by the very fabric of reality. He remembered walking up to his house with his keys out when a pink mass was shot from the sky and into his walkway with skull-fracturing force. She was mumbling something about "being lost inside an endless void of loneliness" before he had shrugged and entered.

Anon's smile disappeared once he heard something move upstairs. Directly above his head, at that. Anon set the glass down and stared straight up at the ceiling. Whatever was up there, it was heavy. Obese, even. There wasn't a single miniature horse in this town he couldn't lift, even if Big Mac had taken quite a bit of effort to suplex into a well. So he wondered just what fat, unhealthy, disgusting fucking faggot had entered into his room. He washed out the glass, momentarily berating himself for reverting back to his shit-poster days, and walked out into the main hallway.

Anon began to ascend his steps at a brisk pace, as he usually did when he would be ready for a good night's sleep. But it was only four in the afternoon, on a Saturday, so his pace was rather him being alarmed than being sleepy. He took a left at the top and moved toward his bedroom. The door was closed, and no sound was being made from within. Grasping the knob, Anon turned and pushed, ready to chew out whomever had dared to enter his home. So, naturally, he was surprised by seeing Princess Celestia– diarch of the sun– in his bed, legs splayed.

Anon's eyes were glued directly to Celestia's wet bits, and he certainly wasn't appreciating the stain that said bits were leaving on his pristine white sheets. She was on her back, wings out to the sides for comfort, and forelegs folded against her chest like a puppy's. She stared over her stomach at him and smiled serenely, even as her pussy was brought to bare. With a calm, sultry tone, she spoke to the dumbfounded human. "Anon. Good afternoon. I was hoping to talk with you..."

Anon walked slowly into the center of the room, his gaze switching from Celestia's needy parts and to her sweet, adorable face. He was actually speechless, and his brain was already planning out what to say in response to her. She smiled again and beckoned Anon closer with her hoof, making slow, methodical circles with the other against her barrel. Anon guessed it was sorta sexy to a pony, and moved closer to her, still keeping his pace measured and controlled.

"Anon. You have been here in Equestria for several months now, and I cannot rid myself of your exotic appeal. I lay down at night and think what it would be like to have your green hands caress my flanks as you enter me, again and again. And speaking of enter..." Celestia's junk winked at Anon, and Anon's face winked back as his eyes malfunctioned. "Pick any hole you desire."

Anon was now at the foot of the bed, his question-marked face plainly displaying what he thought of Celestia's advance. He knelt down, his head going closer to Celestia's private bits. She leaned her head back into his pillow, biting her lip in anticipation. "Anon..." she moaned. "You truly are a gentle lover..." Her eyes squeezed tight as his hand went lower, and his shoulders hunched over.

His hands slid down her flanks and onto the bed, and his head was now level with her flanks. His hands went lower, beneath the bed. "Anon, you wouldn't believe how long it took me to find out your bed was folded inside of your wall as it was. Quite a clever contraption, having the bed fold up out of the way-" She was cut off as Anon's shoulders flexed and his arms swung up and over, flipping the Princess and the bed back into the wall. Her wings, a foreleg, and her tail were crunched between the bed and the wall, poking out, and Anon nodded once.

He marched off to the left of the room, towards his closet, never saying a word. As he began to rummage around, Celestia's wings twitched from the obvious pain she was currently experiencing. Anon found what he was looking for, got up from his crouch, and walked back over to the trapped Princess. Leveling an RPG directly at the bed– and the Princess– closed into the wall, Anon pulled the trigger.

The explosion ripped the wall asunder, spitting Princess Celestia and several pounds worth of Anon's flaming clothes out into Ponyville's streets. The Princess hit the cobblestone head first, snapping her horn in half and bending her crown grossly out of shape. Anon stared down at the smoking ruin that was the ruler of the country he called home, the launcher still in his arms. Remembering his words that he had thought of earlier, he cleared his throat and spoke down to her.

"Get out of my house."

Princess Luna sighed as her horn dimmed. She turned her head to the right and levitated a glass of wine to her lips, savoring its taste. Behind her, she heard her door open and heavy footsteps rush to meet her. The tell-tale metallic clip-clopping was a dead giveaway, if not the excitement behind them. "Well, Lulu?" came the eager question.

Luna turned around to stare at her sister evenly, making sure that Celestia heard her words clearly. "Not a snowball's chance in Tartarus, sister. You'll have to be appeased by body pillows and toys." Luna took a deep sip and stood, trotting past her sister. "Goodnight, Tia."

And with that, Princess Luna closed the door on a downtrodden Princess Celestia.

Author's Note

no ponies in my bed