3/4 Hitler

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Comedy
Length: 1078

The Second World War wasn't good for anybody, particularly El Führer. Just how bad will things be when the ponies meet a fraction of the universe's most notorious art student?

The Second World War wasn't good for anybody, particularly El Führer. Just how bad will things be when the ponies meet a fraction of the universe's most notorious art student?

Now with reading

Published 2015-01-10 22:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-10 22:40:02 UTC

3/4 Hitler

I'll just leave this here because for some reason the story failed moderation the first time for having an image in the description.

The sun was shining, birds were chirping, artillery was thundering, Soviets were sacking Berlin, and Hitler was dead.

To be fair, it was probably a better option for everyone than letting the Red Army sack him as well. He went out with a bang.

"Chancellor" is generally not a good title to have, whether you're Palpatine or, well, Hitler. The universe hates a chancellor.

Because tyrannical chancellors are funnier when they’re getting what for, and because the universe is always down for a good lesson-teaching, after shooting himself in the bonker, most of Hitler found himself in the magical land of Equestria. Because magic means never having to say you’re sorry. However, Hitler himself was not magical. That would be terrible.

Due to having certain parts of his anatomy blown all over the inside of a concrete bunker, there was a little problem in transferring Hitler to another dimension. Not all of him made it. In fact, only about three parts out of every four.

When most of a dictator appeared in Ponyville, the townsponies were less than thrilled. Sure, a whole Hitler would have been worse, but who wants any more Hitler than they already have?

As usual when great evils befell the small town, Twilight Sparkle was immediately the one everybody called. She didn't advertise, she didn't have a cool company like Adolfbusters, she was just the most responsible one and therefore the easiest to foist the job on.

Not wanting any more Hitler than she had to have, Twilight convened a council of her five best friends to discuss their plan of action. Facts were obtained and presented. Conferences were held. The whole process was quite long and convoluted.

“The ¾ Reich?” Twilight asked. The discussion had been going on for quite a while, and had gotten progressively more ridiculous along the way.

Rainbow snickered. “At least this will only be a fraction as difficult as some bad guys we’ve faced.”

“That’s a nice section of truth,” Rarity confirmed. She smiled briefly.

Pinkie grinned. “So should we shove a portion of a pineapple up his ass?”

“Let’s not,” Fluttershy said. “I’m about 75% sure that won’t help our cause.”

“While I appreciate how strange and terrible this is, I think maybe we should actually be doing something about this guy,” Applejack said. Applejack, while not one for math, was still a pony of action.

The rest agreed that she was probably right. Nobody likes having Hitler in their town.

The six ponies left Twilight’s swank pad and entered the town square where Hitler had first appeared. He was no longer within sight, however. Nobody wanted Hitler in their town, but having him loose in town would be even worse. He might start Holocausting or something. Fortunately, nopony was Jewish, even if Twilight did have a six-pointed star on her butt.

Fortunately, they caught up to Hitler before he could even blitzkrieg. They found him in front of the art museum, looking at the paintings in the window.

“Stop right there, Hitler!” Twilight ordered.

“Please,” added Fluttershy.

“You’re not going to pull any of your usual stunts around here,” said Applejack.

Rainbow punched the air. “Not if we have anything to say about it!”

“As part of reforming you, I’ll also have to come up with something more appealing than brown,” Rarity said, checking out Hitler’s uniform. “The SS at least had the good sense that everything goes with black.”

“We aren’t even going to invite you to any parties until you stop being such a nasty Nastystein,” exclaimed Pinkie. “Not to brag, but not being invited to my parties is a real snub. And I’m not going to invite you until you’re not such a bad guy. And even if you’re a bad guy, that doesn’t mean you’re not a bad guy. You’re just bad. I mean, who tells people there’s ice cream in the showers and then gives them poison gas instead?”

“Ich spreche Deutsch,” Hitler replied indignantly.

Twilight frowned. “This could be a problem.”

“Why?” said Rainbow. “Evil villains doesn’t have to understand us for us to kick their butts!”

“As usual, we’re going to go for reformation first,” Twilight reminded her.

“He is responsible for several million deaths,” Rarity said. “Rainbow has a point that Hitler is a bit more evil than the villains we usually encounter.”

“Hmm, true,” Twilight said, “But he himself was not capable of that without people following his orders. He doesn’t even have magic powers. By himself, Hitler is pretty vulnerable. Plus the whole being only ¾ there thing.”

“He’s getting away,” Applejack noticed.

“On it!” Rainbow declared. “Pinkie, give me a ball from your ball emergency stash.”

Pinkie gave her a nice bowling ball, one with pink sparkles. Rainbow chucked it as hard as she could. Being a heavy bowling ball, it wasn’t that far, but the kinetic energy knocked Hitler flat on his face. He did Nazi that coming.

It seemed like he wouldn't be getting up again soon, so the girls decided to spend a few minutes talking, trying to figure out what in the world had happened to land Hitler in their midst.

“And, perhaps more importantly, only part of him,” Twilight added.

“Well, if it’s ¾, maybe there’s some significance to those numbers,” Rarity said.

“There are 4 princesses in Equestria,” Rainbow pointed out.

“And there are 6 of us,” Pinkie added. “6 divided by 2 is 3.”

“But what’s the significance of 2?” Twilight asked.

“Sun and moon?” Applejack speculated.

“So the Elements of Harmony divided by the sun and moon, and the princesses of Equestria, equal Hitler,” Twilight said flatly.

“That sounds like either the beginning of a bad joke or serious accusations against our current regime,” Rarity observed.

“How about the 3rd Reich divided by the 8 bullets in a P38 Luger and the 2nd World War?” Fluttershy suggested.

“Sure, whatever,” said Twilight. “At least this is easier math than 13/16 Stalin.”

“Even if in Soviet Russia math does you?” Applejack asked.

“Even then.” Twilight looked down at Hitler as he began to stir, groaning at the pain in his head. “Well, it looks like he's starting to come around. Pinkie, go get ¾ of a pineapple.”

Author's Note

I don't reccomend that anyone write stories like this :trixieshiftleft: