So.... you want to hear a story, eh? One about Ogres hunters? Mwhaha! Well have I got a story for you!
Equestria....
This is our home. But make no mistake! This is not a land of onions and swamps. They say its a magical kingdom, that its beautiful, that only a fool would search for something of Ogre hear.
HmHm... Then perhaps I am a fool. But do not be fooled by what Equestria appears to be.
There was a legend... many ponies tell it. The Legend of Shrek.
My father would always go on about Shrek, even with his dying breath.
An enormous green shlong, infinite swamps, donkeys, pussies, onions...
So you can understand why some little fillies who hear the stories grow up to become Shrek Hunters. Well... I have a story you may not believe, but I tell you it is true. The Legend of Shrek is real! And he is here in Equestria. And a... let's call her a "guardian angel" appeared to guide the Shrek hunters to their prize. The tale begins right here in Equestria, with the brave Shrek hunters, the guardian angel, and most importantly...
Me.
--
[Que Soundtrack: CLICK]
Three ponies sat rear a rundown Yellow Taxi Wagon, silently avoiding eye contact.
Yellow, red, bow.
Orange, purple, wings.
White, Lavender, horn.
Those nine words describe the awkward mares about the embark on the trip of a lifetime. To find and meet the legendary Shrek, the lord and savior, the one and only true Ogrelord, the one who would finally render their hot young lives complete; As it would anypony. Many have warned them of the dangers though, calling them "fools", "idiots", "dreamers." Told that Shrek is nothing but a Dreamworks character who has never and will never exist in Equestria. One even went as far as to call them "faggots." which seemed rather inappropriate. It doesn't matter though. The three young ponies knew Shrek was real, and that the naysayers were only jealous of their devotion to Shrek. So, one day, the three fillies gathered their belongings, called their elders: "cunts." And left for the swampland where they could finally meet Him. Now, currently aboard the taxi wagon late at night, they all drifted to much needed sleep. They thought about Shrek.
-Four Hours Later-
"Alright back there, time to wake up! It's a beautiful day, full of Ogretunity!" Announced the stallion who had been pulling them the entire time. He peered back at the dazed passengers. His face was rather saggy roughly shaven, much like one would expect a wagon stallion to look. The passengers, woken by the stallions announcement, slowly regained consciousness.
The yellow pony with red mane and pink bow rose from slumber first. She had been having a nightmare, however, and thus awoke with a violent Kung-Foo kick and twirl which her older sister, Applejack, had taught her. Her name, Apple Bloom.
The Second to awaken was the white unicorn with lavender and pink mane. While untrained and not fully grown, her magical powers could overcome about any obstacle. This power was demonstrated while levitating a juice box to her mouth. Her name, Sweetie Belle.
Lastly was the Orange filly with purple hair and wings. She was not so great at flying, but she could ride a mean scooter. Her name, Scootaloo. (As: "The Chicken.")
The wagon came to an abrupt halt. The trio reacted haphazardly; they weren't "all there" as one might put it. So Instead of bracing the inertia, each one of them tumbled over the stallion and onto the warm, sticky, smelly, ground. On impact, the Shrek Hunters became covered from head to tail with the muddy substance. It smelled faintly of onions.
"We're here." Said the stallion.
--
OGRELANDS 2
--
After some time of treading through dense swamp and occasionally stumbling across a bandit or two, the team were hinting to each other the prospect that Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. The stallion had mentioned for them to: "Not worry about saying goodbye." because "They would all be doing this again soon enough." Apple Bloom especially had found that quite a peculiar. Right as Apple Bloom opened her mouth to speak her mind, an unfamiliar voice erupted from somewhere in the ocean of swamp. "Hey, psst!" A mysterious mare called out.
"Who's There?" Called out Scootaloo, trying to sound tough when infact she was absolutely terrified. All three of the Shrek Hunters circumspexit frantically, trying to locate the voice's origin.
"I'm over here." Said the mare, now standing in plain view behind the trio. Scootaloo was startled and jumped into a nearby bush. The remaining two spun around to meet the mystery mare's eyes. They were beautiful. "Hello," She said. Her voice was majestic. The mare sanding before them was the most gorgeous pony the fillies had ever seen, they could barely peel their gaze from her deep, hypnotic, eyes. She began to speak again. "My Name is-" *Whack* Suddenly her scull was cracked open by a spear. Wielding the weapon, was Scootaloo.
"Oh my Shrek!" Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom screeched. "Why would you do that?!!"
"I saved you guys."
"No! No you didn't!"
"Yeah, Scoots! She was going to help us!"
"You don't know that. We can't trust anyone out here."
"Well It doesn't matter now, shes dead." With that, they all stared at the dead body then looked back to each other. They were all thinking the same thing. One minute later all of the mysterious pony's possessions had been looted by the Shrek Hunters. They took a interest to something in particular which stood out from the rest. As they examined it, the three could only determine it's basic properties. Red, spherical, heavy, and glossy. On one side, however, was a black oval seemingly embedded inside. To the naive fillies, this was an amazing discovery. Yet, as they toyed with their newly acquired loot, something deeper and far more sinister was underway.
Through the binoculars and past the density of trees and various other plant life. The three playful ponies appeared mere meters away despite the true distance being over half a mile. They looked just as silly and ignorant even at that distance. Little did the ponies know that their every movement was being scrutinized. They were being watched. And soon, it would all be Ogre...
-The Shrekoning Has Begun-
