Meet the Neighbors and Then get Drunk!

Oh joy of joys!

The Vex Gate works like a charm and it didn’t tear a hole in the space time continuum!

That means I get to keep steal- I mean taking things that I need from all the time lines!

It has been only one week since the creation of the first Vex Gate and in those seven days I have been using them to gather the things I will need to create more gates and several hundred pounds of Fallen crates filled with weapons and other valuable tools of our trade.

And of course I naturally had to haul in a crate filled with Carl’s Jr food all for myself. I just couldn’t help myself I was that needy for comfort food. The look on Forge’s face when she saw the fast food crate was priceless, she just shook her head at me and said that I am an idiot.

My response was that she loves that so called idiot and I witnessed her face flush up a storm of red.

It was worth it.

Then after that was the sorting of the newly acquired Fallen weapons and Shanks in the armory. I of course had to write down which weapon was what, what it did, how much training it would probably require to use and so on and so forth.

I almost shot my foot off with a high-powered fusion gun. Apparently I didn’t just snag Fallen weapons but also the weapons that the Guardians use as well, the Fallen themed weapons they get as rewards from missions and other shit.

After that was some other bullshit matter that I had to deal with, programming the Shanks to not shoot, explode or snipe the crystal ponies and diamond dogs that are under my rule.

On the first day after I had successfully used the gate I had it powered back on and made it produce several crates of Fallen weapons, the Shock Pistols, Rifles, Wire Rifles, Shrapnel Launchers, six Scorch Cannons, Shock Daggers and Swords, Shock Grenades and one entire MESH Layer. It was that same day that I almost shot my foot off, it was beautiful because I thought it wasn’t loaded, I was wrong cause when I squeezed the trigger it went off and grazed my foot.

Then came the second day, several crates containing Shanks of all types, all painted the colors and banner of the House of Wolves. Reprogramming them to not shoot my ponies and dogs was easy work, getting them to not shoot at the local wildlife unless provoked, to explode at the local wildlife or snipe them from the top of the walls. That and telling them to stop bothering Forge, apparently they have taken a liking to her, their digital circuits calling her the Pony Archon.

I thought it was pretty cute, the little Shanks flocking to my Forge as if she was their mothers but when I slapped her on the flank to get her to get back to work when she fell asleep on her giant anvil they all pointed their barrels at me. When they did and realized who I was they stopped, lowered back into a defensive formation before flying off.

Those little buggers may be loyal to me and for some reason Forge but when they are not patrolling outside the walls in packs of six, they are here in the workshop flying around.

On day three I warped in several crates of Fallen armor of several varieties, having to retrofit, modify and alter the armors to fit my crystal ponies and diamond dogs is a tall order to fill but it had to be done. I know my scouts will appreciate the Stealth Vandal armor, the recruits getting the Dregs and those that have been in longer get the normal Vandal, the officers will receive modified Captain armor.

Days Four and Five, I brought it more crates of Fallen weapons and armor. Arming up the guards is an important step for a protected Crystal Empire but what I need now is air and ground superiority.

I know that with the few pegasi that I have I could dominate the air against those that have no flyers but seeing how this world has a multitude of those that are capable of flying then that point is moot and weak, the enemy could just hire a bunch of flying mercenaries to fight against me. From what I have seen, read in the old history books and seen from the Crystal Heart, I would have to contend with Pegasi, Griffons, Changelings, Dragons, any hostile birds and phoenixes, and lastly the seemingly annoying Breezies.

I learned about the Breezies from a book talking about fairytales, something that should just be changed to just tales seeing how they are actually real. In essence there are two types of Breezie out in the world, the first type is the pollen-spreading butterfly-type Breezie, they are the hippies of the fairy world and then we got the tooth-collecting Breezie, the real tooth fairy and they sometimes don’t wait for them to fall out of the mouth. They are like the actual depiction of the tooth-fairy of Earth where they collect the teeth from those that have fallen out of the mouths of children and adults alike and those that are dead and eat them or in this case, use them as a source of magic.

When I saw that part I just uttered out the word ‘cool’ while flipping through more pages, trying to find where one could find them. They are everywhere in the world that has forests, dense foliage and also civilizations with teeth.

And as for dominance on the ground, well that has been easily obtained with the new Fallen weapons, training my guards to use them is easy enough, turn the safety off, aim down range, squeeze the trigger and don’t point it at friendlies unless there is something attacking them and you have a clear shot. The Scorch Cannon I had to reserve for artillery use seeing how one can just shoot the floor and turn them into a timed explosive that only gets more destructive the longer one waits to detonate it.

The training of the crystal guards to use the new weapons was a bit hard, unicorns had it easier since they just had to levitate the damn thing and put a little juice into it to squeeze the trigger while the other ponies had to stop moving, sit down to prevent any decrease in accuracy, aim down the holographic sights and use their hoof to magnetically squeeze the trigger down. I still call bullshit that ponies can even pick things up with their hooves, it should not even be remotely possible and yet they do it on a daily basis.

Day 6: I made a Heavy Pike appear. When it first appeared I nearly creamed my leather pants. In all of its glory was the great House of Wolves Heavy Pike, this single occupant hovercraft has two arc cannons built near the nose of the craft, it is more robust than its faster cousin and that when the operator tries to strafe it unleashes from its sides a bouncing Shock Grenade.

Slowly walking up to the Heavy Pike I saddled up on it, turning it on by pressing my hand on its centralized panel, its engine roaring to life for a second before rolling down to a mere purr of existence. I gave it a literal spin by going in small circles around the gate, laughing insanely in pure joy that I finally have something to ride, a way to get around faster and also a way to give my family if I can ever return home the middle finger that I was right about hovercrafts being a possibility in the future.

After that I had to find a way to get this thing out of the workshop, I had failed to ask Forge to build a bigger door for the event that something big or wide needs to get through. In the end I did what I thought was the most logical thing to do.

I blew the fucking door off its hinges and drove through.

That also may have scared the shit out of Shining Pearl, her father who was walking with her at the moment and also Forge who apparently wasn’t in the workshop when I made my round to the Vex Gate.

Telling them what I am riding was easy, I just spun a story saying that this was from my people that I had hidden away from the public eye and was about to showcase it to the general public in a few weeks. Of course the general population won’t be getting this to use, instead I have given the eggheads the ideas of a miniature train system for the city, going back and forth around the main streets to help those that are in the inner and outer edges of the capital to be able to freely move around without having to spend too much time trotting around.

And the other ideas that went to my smart tank, the waffle-iron, the radio, tractors for farming, tree-pickers for farming, sample Fallen weapons to be broken down, looked at, and finally turned pony-friendly to use and lastly the low-grade flight engines from the Shanks.

I can only hope that they can develop something useful from them along the arc weapons.

Day Seven: I brought to the land of the Crystal Empire a Servitor. And not just any Servitor but MY Servitor, Kaliks Minor, and he needed a good dust off. For some reason when he arrived he was covered in ash, scrap metal, shell casings and dried blood. I had taken him into my bathroom and hosed his metallic ass down with the shower head at full blast, it looked like that it was not amused with the strange sounds it was making.

That week was also the end of the Diamond Dog’s training and education to start their five year long redemption to the Empire. I already saw that many of them were working the streets, cleaning it up, tending to some of the wealthier crystal ponies gardens, few even worked as assistants to a few shop owners while for the most part they went to work in the few mines that we had already established, even the one that was in their underground town that I had refurbished at our expense.

I am a firm believer that to keep the masses calm and under control, one must give them what they want, a nice home, the feeling of protection, access to goods, freedoms, liberties, places to learn and relax, and lastly the feeling that they know that they are in good hands...hooves whatever.

Or as those that call it by a different name, Bread and Circuses.

“And that Prince Rutherford is the R&D Department, where everything that has been found within the artifact vaults, sealed sections of the library and even the few things that I have at my disposal that I was able to surrender for the greater good of the empire.” I said as the Prince of Yakyakistan, my assistant Glittering Quill, my two assigned guards Hammer and Morningstar, the prince’s eight yak guards and lastly my Servitor following up right behind me.

“I thought you was great warrior, was I wrong?” Prince Rutherford says in his broken language

“No my friend, you are not wrong. A Kell of the Eliksni fights on all fronts for his House, what I did was go beyond a bit when it comes to fighting for the House of Wolves.”

“Ah, something extreme you did?”

“You can say that, yes, extreme and then a bit more overboard. It was all in the name of the greater good but sadly so many thought differently.”

“You not alone, many yaks go overboard when duty calls.”

With that said we continued on with the tour of my palace. I was honestly not expecting any visitors to arrive but when the yaks came to the gates I first thought that they might just be wild animals but recalling the fact that there is a wide variety of life forms here I had to be cautious with what is sapient and what isn’t.

The Yaks just so happened to make it to the smart race in time along with the ponies, griffons, dragons, zebras, donkeys, dogs, seaponies (Bullshit but real) and whatever the hell else is out there at the time.

The peace talks between us went on for an hour, the agreeing, disagreeing, the destruction of the table we were using, the reconstruction of the table with magic, the re-destruction of the same table by the Yaks, rebuilding same table with magic, a shouting match, an armwrestling contest and lastly a body chucking contest.

I don’t know if this is how Yaks do their business but if it is then I want them to stop destroying my tables, it is very annoying to have it put back together.

“Friends between Crystal Empire and Yakyakistan?” I asked as soon as all of the stupid dominance man-to-yak thing was done with.

“Yes! Friends between us!” Prince Rutherford said with a mighty grin on his face, half of it obscured by thick fur or mane, I can’t tell which is which due to the yak’s massive stature.

Once that was said and done it was sealed with a rather strong bear hug, I can say that I thought I had heard something in my back pop but I ignored it because I had a face full of yak fur.

With the seal planted onto the peace treaty between the two of us we left with one last hoof-hand shake. Prince Rutherford and his yak guards left the following day, it was nice to finally have a friend of a foreign nation, especially one that is right on our border to the west of us, only separated by a mountain range but that can easily be worked around with a train tunnel through it.

Checking over my list of things to do I mentally cross off the ‘Deal with Yak representatives’ while ‘Ask Shining Pearl why her father is working against me and why is Forge all googly eyes for me’ and lastly ‘Use the Vex Gate to create more construction materials to make a Great Gate for the use of spawning Walkers and Skiffs and hull sections of a Ketch.’

That last one is a long shot because I don’t exactly remember how big those things are, all I know is that they are pretty damn massive.

‘I wonder what my friends are up to right now...probably moved on with their own lives and such, family is probably mourning over my disappearance at a damn convention, hell I bet my brothers are thinking I left with someone and said fuck it I’m out of here...yeah...lets go with that.’

‘Alright no more depressing thoughts, nothing good ever comes from or happens when depression kicks in. Happy thoughts!’

Its easy for my mind to wander aimlessly when nothing is happening, and seeing how I was starting to get depressing thoughts I was easily able to distract myself by thinking of what else I could make the Vex Gate make for me.

It would be funny as hell if my friends somehow ended up here with me as well. What would the odds be that all of my friends are here on this planet, doing their own things, they probably might have already a significant other or a family or both.

I wonder what they are doing right now.

Dark Cave in the middle of nowhere

“All hail the new queen!”

“Wait...what?”

Back to Me

Yeah...I bet they are living their lives right now, happy and carefree with the exception of college and work.

Checking over my neighbors I know that I have Equestria directly south of me, the Griffon Kingdoms to the southwest of me, Diamond Dogs to the Deep Southeast, Dragons are somewhere on an isle or island of sorts, Zebras are...fuck they are somewhere out there, and whatever else is out there that has yet to be discovered.

I wonder if the nations of this world believe in political marriages or some other form of alliance sealing deals other than being friends for X amount of time or some sort of short-sighted opportunistic deal.

It didn’t take long for me to find myself back on my throne, bored out of my mind as today was a slow day with the locals, seems like nobody has anything to complain about. No pony or dog saying that this or that is wrong, no one saying that they have a problem with this establishment or have something against this pony or that dog. Just absolute silence.

Well...it would be absolutely quiet in the throne room if it wasn’t for the six mares from six different noble families who are all bickering and yelling at each other. They were all yelling, bickering, throwing insults, smearing names, starting slap fights and mane pulling, at this point I would be either facepalming myself to the point where I was hoping that it would kill me or make them stop because they are ruining my quiet time.

“Enough!” I shouted at the six noble mares, all of them stopped what they were doing and were now looking up at me, their tails now between their legs, ears folded back and they were shaking badly in fear.

“Now please someone explain it to me why all of you decided to start a fight within my throne room?” Because seriously, this is starting to get old real fast.

When the six ponies stopped fighting each other I noticed that one saw that everyone stopped and got in one last whack against a mare that she was fighting against. All I can say is that this act re-ignited the fighting but it was stopped when I stood up and grabbed four of the fighting mares and held one down with my foot as I stared at the last one who was doing nothing.

“I am only going to say this one time and one time only. What. The hell. Is going on here.” And like that I set the four mares down and got off of the fifth before backing away to stare the six down.

I didn’t have to wait long for the six to speak up and explain themselves to me.

“Let me get this straight...the six of you-” I said while pointing at the six of them, “Have been fighting amongst each other just to try to get me to notice you so you can be married to me and seeing how your plans weren’t working you decided that instead of keeping me to yourself you all thought it would be a good idea to band together and just share me between all of you...am I not correct?” I was trying very, very, VERY, hard not to pop a blood vessel inside my head.

They all nodded again and I was starting to get a migraine from this crap.

“Girls, while I appreciate the fact that all of you are trying to fulfill your father’s wishes by trying to get married to me but I must once again decline. Why don’t you find a nice stallion to marry instead, trying to marry someone that is more than twice your size, and has the possibility of damaging your body if we ever get that far into the act. Sorry but it is for your own good, now please, stop bringing this subject up and go home.” Once I said that they all lowered their heads and sadly trotted out of my throne room.

I swear to god its like everything here is trying to get into my pants.

Am I really that exotic to them that they want a piece of me?

Once the day court was over I told Glittering Quill to call it in and to close it down for tonight before I left, heading for my office to begin working on what was left over from the previous day.

Sighing heavily I leaned back in my office chair and looked at the stack of paperwork that has accumulated over the week, most of this was tax related or some other form of useless devilry that would cause most people to hit the bottle just to shovel on through but me? I just stared at it with seething anger and tried very, very hard to set it on fire with my eyes but so far all it did was make a blood vessel bulge and to pass gas.

I was just glad that no one was around for the latter, it would be hard to explain why their emperor thought it was a good idea to shit themselves alone in the room while laughing quietly to themselves as if he was driven mad.

When I started to work on some complaints that a certain persisting noblemen was throwing around a knock came to the door and for all intents and purposes I told whoever was on the other side to come in.

Hearing the sound of the doorknob twisting and turning followed by the lock mechanism to click open, the door slowly swung open to reveal Forge, a few of her friends who consist of varying guards, apprentice smiths and for some reason a florist.

“Yes? Is there something you require from me Forge, or is this simply a personal visit?” I said with a bit of a groan as I look up for a moment from the current scroll I am reading before looking back down at it.

The noble who set this complaint in is an absolute idiot, put a tax on ice-cream. ICE-CREAM! What idiot would even sign such a thing as that!

“Nah, were here cause we heard that you were grinding your teeth and trying to murder that stack of tax forms to the point where it won’t be recognizable and we thought that you could use a break.” Forge said as she makes herself at home in my office, sitting down on the sofa to my left, stretching a bit as she gets comfortable.

“Thank you for the offer Forge but I am busy, these forms won’t do themselves and I must make sure that they are done by morning or else I will never hear the end of it from Shining Pearl. And we both know that her nagging is legendary, it makes you feel bad for making her scold you and at the same time feel like a failure for making her to it in the first place.” For all of those that don’t know Shining Pearl, she will act like an Irish-Catholic mother to you and if you screw up she will let you know about it the moment it happens and for myself she is brutal when it comes to me slacking off when there are important things to get done.

“Eh, yeah there's that but we got booze!” Forge shouted with a smile on her muzzle as she levitates a bottle pack of twelve into the room and I immediately put my quill down and got up.

“Booze you say? Why didn’t you say so in the first place, it would have made this easier if you said ‘Hey man, wanna go out for a drink?’ my answer would have been yes.” Immediately putting down my quill I stood up and started to put things away for the night.

“Well that was easy.” Forge said with a smirk before getting back up, her job was done, all she had to do was enjoy the rest of the night.

“Because Forge booze is involved, if there is anything to make this work easier on me is a bit of liquid courage to stare this stack of bills and taxes in the eye and get it done. Now lets get this over with before Pearl decides to drop by and berate either of us for doing something ‘improper’.” I said as I quickly looked around, making sure that everything is in their proper place before walking out and locking the door behind me.

“Alright lets do this!”

Next Afternoon

I hate my life.

My head was pounding hard, I could taste the distinct flavor of vomit and shame within my mouth. My body felt like shit and that it had the crap beat out of it with a hunk of concrete stuck on a rebar pipe. I also felt that my body was being propped up because my arms and legs were hanging off of something and that my head was staring at an upside Forge, she was lying on her back on the ceiling...I mean the ground, with her legs spread out revealing everything for the world to see, and to me as well but I kept my eyes from there because I have decency and shame, both of which are at an all time low because of the things I have seen on the internet and from here as well.

I did not know that these ponies had porn and when I saw it...I tried very hard to drink the sight away and that ended with me redecorating my bathroom toilet. I don’t know how they managed to stuff like that into a book but god damn they go into such details that it would make written porn back home look like a wet noodle compared to this stuff.

Hehe, wet noodle.

Anyways! When I saw the hidden valley I pulled my head up to see that my body is covered in empty glass bottles of mead, beer, wine and what I think was something else but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Looking back around the room with what limited flexibility I had with my neck I saw that the floor was littered with bottles, I don’t know how much we drank but I can safely assume that we must have it the point where we either had alcohol poisoning or that our livers are now dead. Either one I will accept at this point because this looks like a hardcore drinking party happened with only ten ponies and one eliksni.

‘How do I keep getting into situations like this?’

That particular answer will come to me eventually but right now I need to figure out what time it is, know if anyone of importance is here and lastly to see if Shining Pearl is ready to tell me if she knew that her father is one of nine traitors who are planning to undermine my authority just to have a foreign princess take over and lead it back down the path of peace and pacifism.

‘I bet that they are plotting right now, trying to find a way to steal my kingdom from me but it won’t work, not while I still draw breath and have the will to fight.’

Eh fuck it, I’ll just sleep it off.

‘What’s the worst that can happen?’

Just as I think that the door to the workshop bursts open, a maid standing by the door clears her throat before shouting loud enough for everyone to hear her.

“WAKE THE BUCK UP! IT IS TWELVE IN THE AFTERNOON! GET YOUR LAZY PLOTS UP AND GET TO WORK!”

It did not end well for me, the sudden shout spooked me, making me flail my limbs around which caused me to accidentally toss my shrapnel launcher at a pony who caught it with their face who then let out a yelp of pain while also burning the plot of a nearby pony who also let out a yelp of pain. The chain reaction of me flailing around in confusion, a pony being smacked in the face with the butt of my launcher and the burning smell of fur from the second pony has roused Forge from her slumber, something that everyone should know to never do, and in that moment all I heard was Forge yawning before I fell over face first into the floor, breaking every single glass bottle that was on top of me and now below me.

The maid who watched all of this unfold could only take a step back and make a sheepish face while her ears are folded back.

In all there was ten ponies groaning in pain from the hangover, one was holding a bruised muzzle, another whimpering from a burnt ass while myself was groaning through broken glass.

“Oops.”