Typical Morning in the Empire

"Kell, wake up." A voice said as I tried to ignore it, I was trying to catch up with the sleep that I lost when we raided the cave below and exhaustion was creeping up on me yet again.

"Noo..." I groaned out as I tried to cover my head with a pillow.

"Kell, I know that you are not actually asleep." The voice said as it pokes my side.

"Yes I am, your just hearing things." I grumbled as I tried to curl a bit into the bed to avoid the offending hoof.

"Kell...your awake."It said again as it pokes me another time.

"Sorry can't hear you, I'm asleep!" Honestly at this point I am wide awake and trying to buy me some time to actually fall asleep.

"Can we stop with these childish games and just get up and start the day?" The voice sounds irritated and annoyed at this point.

"I don't want to, I am too tired for this shit right now." I said as I turned my head to the side, letting a part of it be exposed to the open air.

"Sir, I am not giving you a choice in the matter." The sound of magic alerted me that whoever is trying to wake me up is a unicorn, god forbid if it is an alicorn.

"And what are you going to do about it?" I said as I started to open my eyes, the bright light of the sun breaching the windows blinding me temporarily.

"Why, I am going to use this bucket of cold water right here and dump it on your head. If that doesn't work then I will just use another bucket of cold water that I have waiting for you outside." And that right there is when I realized that I know exactly who I am dealing with at this very moment in time.

"Shining Pearl, why do you hate me so much..." I groaned as I rolled over on the bed, staring up at the ceiling as my master of coin trotted into view with a bucket of water floating over head.

"Because today is the day I teach you how to properly eat at a noblepony's party and how to act at one. I will be damned if I let you embarrass yourself and myself if I were to allow such a thing to occur." I rolled my eyes on that one, I know that nobles practically throw parties and other little things at their whim and pleasure but for me I only do that when it needs to be done, if there is a diplomat arriving or when something important happens, which just so happens to be the reverse raid on the diamond dogs yesterday.

"Gods...why are you acting like such a bitch to me this morning..." I groaned out as I tried to grab the offending crystal pony but alas I failed, maybe it was due to the fact that she knows how to avoid my swinging arms or the fact that I know her weakness to belly rubs.

"Because you should be acting like a King...or Kell...or whatever it is you call yourself, not acting like a teenage colt who doesn't want to listen to their parents." She makes a good point, I should be acting like a Kell instead of a bratty teenager.

"And you know how I am acting like how, exactly?"

"My Kell, I went through that phrase a few years ago, I know exactly what you are doing." And right there is the proof I need that she is right for the job of hers.

"Oh...well shit."

"Yes...shit...now wake up before I start dumping ice cold water on you." Pearl had some trouble saying that one word, my guess is that for her pampered lifestyle she just can't say such crude things without it leaving a foul taste in her mouth.

"You wouldn't dare." I said as I see a water bucket hover right above me, directly out of my reach and that it was starting to tip menacingly to the side.

"Oh really?" Pearl taunted me as the bucket kept on tipping over, a small drop of ice cold water hits me between the eyes.

"Fuck it, I'm up...you win, for now." I said with a groan as I slowly start to sit up, hearing the sounds of my spine popping.

"Good." Was all I heard before looking up to see the bucket completely tip over, unleashing its icy cold contents all over my face and body.

SPLASH

"God damn it Pearl!"

"That should help you wake up faster." Pearl said with a smug grin as I try to shake the water off of me.

"I was already awake!" I shouted at the smug looking mare as she dumps yet another bucket of ice cold water on me.

SPLASH

"And what was that for?" I shouted again but this time my facial expression was more akin to the unamused cat meme.

"Well I only had two buckets at the ready, I didn't want that one to go to waste." Pearl explained to me as I tried very hard not to thrash her for doing such a thing so early in the morning.

"Your sadistic, you know that right?"

"Oh I know, I just choose to show that part of me to those that need to see it." Shining Pearl said with a small smile on her muzzle as she levitates the buckets out of the room just as a passing paid picks them up with her back and takes them down the hall to parts unknown.

"I hate you so much."

"I love you to my Kell."

After grumbling and snarling while waiting for my armor to dry itself off  while I was muttering dark curses that were all directed at Shining

Pearl for defiling my bed with ice cold water.

"I see that you have looked at the tax reports I have given you." Pearl says as she looks at my work table, the box labeled 'Inbox' was for the most part empty with the exception of the the damage reports and the casualty list that has arrived last night, I gave them a once over but decided to postpone it until today.

"That I did, although I still hate looking at anything that is tax related." Cause I know one thing is certain back home and now here, only a few things are certain, death, marriage, and taxes.

"Don't we all...but before I forget why I came here for I must ask why." I was caught slightly off guard to that question as I pulled myself out of the bed and proceeded to stretch, my armor was sitting on its rack while the leather parts were still on my body.

"Why...what?" I said back as I went to my chestplate and removed it from its resting place.

"Why did you spare those flea-ridden beasts?" Ah, so this is what it is about then, the diamond dogs.

I should have known that someone would find my order to have them all captured be pissed about it.

"Because I have a use for them." I simply said as I strapped on my leg platings and with a tight click they attached themselves to the leather parts and formed a tight grip on them to prevent any looseness or from falling off in the heat of battle.

"What use can those dogs offer us? They attacked us unprovoked! They stole from us! They kidnapped us! They wanted to sell us to pay off a debt that they have obtained and they stole the crystal heart from us! Those dogs almost cast us into the cold that has claimed many lives and weakened so many more and I will not allow that to happen again even if I have to go against you to protect what we have left!" The anger in her voice is clearly evident and the rage swimming within her eyes are showing as wisps of green and black smoke take to the corners of her eyes, giving them a hellish appearance.

Wow, I knew Shining Pearl was there during Sombra's reign but I didn't know that she would be this upset that I have made a plan to deal with the diamond dogs.

"Shining Pearl, I am going to give them a choice, they will either work for us to pay off their debt of the various crimes they have committed against us or that they can rot in their cells before being exiled into the wasteland with nothing but the jackets and collars they are wearing."  I said with a calm voice as I strapped on my arm coverings next, making sure that every last piece if held tightly in place.

"You plan to use them like slaves? Just like Sombra used us for his own desires?" Shining Pearl said as she took a step back, thinking that I have started to go off the deep end of the sanity pool and into madness.

"No, I plan to treat them like criminals, they will work off their crime for several years, they are just a small group of diamond dogs and I am absolutely sure that their nation will come looking for them or better yet if they find us instead, demand for them to be released which I will not allow. They are a part of the same group which means they are also responsible for ordering the raid, they risk starting a war and from what their weapons and armor entails they are poorly trained, poorly equipped and if their fighting style is attacking from underground and trying to overwhelm the opposition with numbers then they are not military minded. All it would take is an earthquake that would render those dogs buried alive and be unable to move and if that fails just fill the holes with fire, suck out the air as they burn alive." I said as I remembered a few fan art pictures of pokemon, someone uses dig, then someone does earthquake, pokemon that did dig was crushed horribly and died.

The picture was pretty damn funny from my perspective but of course there was a few assholes that said that it was cruel. I only told them to go eat a bag of dicks and fuck off, don't like what you are looking at then blacklist it and move the fuck on.

"Sir...you have thought this through to completion...haven't you?" And with a slowly widening grin, Shining Pearl saw it before I had it hidden underneath my rebreather.

"Yes, my dear Shining Pearl, I have. And I will not be disappointed if they try to sneak my prisoners out by digging into the prison but they will be hard pressed to dig through enchanted crystals that react violently to being damaged or moved without the proper counter spell." I had to make sure that the crystals reacted with the power of a thunderbolt, either stunning or outright killing the person trying to escape or break in.

"My my...such a smart stallion we have here, I am glad to know that you are our emperor instead of our enemy."

Yes, you should be glad because I can lead anyone and use their talents to their maximum use.

"Mmhmm, that and you know that you love all of this." I said as I waved my four arms all over my body, mockingly presenting it to her.

"I doubt I want any of that sir, but I know Forge would love to take a run at you." Pearl said as it hurt my manly pride.

God I think that Shining Pearl is a total ball buster.

"Shining Pearl, I know that Forge has a thing for me, the fact that she gave me a glass of milk that was slightly messy only proved it." Grabbing my staff I gave it a twirl before checking the blade to make sure it wasn't damaged or dent.

"She did WHAT!" Pearl shouted as I tried to get over the fact that Pearl shouted in anger and surprise.

"Oh you didn't hear? A few days ago she came into the dining hall during breakfast and handed me a glass of milk, I thought she was just being nice but when I tasted it, it was...off. I thought that she handed me some slightly expired milk but when she got off her seat after she finished eating...well lets just say I saw some milk on the cushion she sat on and her teats were slightly dripping." I said as I recall back to that day with a smile on my face, I don't know why but it tasted so good!

"I I can't believe that tart would even do such a thing!" Pearl started to seethe, I think this is one of those no-nos that she is trying to talk to me about.

I can't believe its not butter! Okay bad joke done for the day, onto real business.

"I can't believe she was so bold as to give me teat milk and with such a bold face as well." I said as I remembered seeing Forge just walk up to me, place the milk down right there and sit down beside me.

For all I know that could have been her way of trying to poison me.

"...I will have words with her." Pearl was grinding her teeth a bit as she forced those words out.

"Don't, I rather not have to find a replacement master of coin because Forge murdered you." It's true, this small unicorn won't stand a chance against Forge, hell all I can hope for is that if she does go down there that it would be quick and painless.

"But she-" She started to talk but I cut her off by covering her muzzle with my small hand.

"She gave me teat milk, you should be glad that she didn't go the extra mile and give me a glass of mare juice." I said and right as I did I realized that I pretty much just shot myself in the foot, figuratively not literally.

"What did you just say!?!" This time she shouted almost right in my face, she had to jump for that one.

Why don't you blow out my ear drums while your at it? Your trying to tame me into being a gentle stallion, which I am but its gentleman, man not stallion. Learn the difference cutie pie.

"Shining Pearl, I know you crystal ponies do some kinky and naughty things just to get the attention of a stallion, especially those that are in heat, I am just glad that I didn't read that strange book on mating." The title of the book is called 'Kama Sutra' pretty much pony sexuality in book form and by god is that thing accurate to a T.

In truth I did read it but it was due to boredom, let us just say that it made me want to go out there and find someone to fuck but sadly due to my position, strange appearance and the fact that I actually have two dicks instead of one and that both of them are fourteen inches long and an inch and a half wide. I have no idea on how I got them to emerge from their hiding place but one day they were there, out in the open and they were angry.

And I can't even believe that part of me is lizard like...and why do I even know lizards and reptiles have that anyways?

I can't believe I even thought of that...anyways!

"I know my Kell, although I myself have never been caught dead doing anything within those books you have found but I do know what it takes to get a stallion to do the deed when it is time for more children to be born." Shining says with a flat look on her face.

"Wow Shining...I...I knew you were calculating and cold but damn. Did you ever have to trick a stallion to even do that?" I asked as I twiddled around with my shrapnel launcher, getting some rocks and dirt out of the cracks in it.

"No. I never even felt the touch of a stallion because I am not interested in them."  Huh...

"Huh..." Lesbian confirmed.

"Is something wrong with that?" NOPE!

"No, I was just thinking on how that would work...two mares...huh..." I honestly can not get that image out of my head, that book had a picture of that and I am still trying to work the mathematics out.

"Try not to think on it too hard my Kell, I rather not have you getting excited when you are in your court talking to the nobles, I knew many mares and a few stallions that would be...overjoyed to see you like that." And I know for a fact that a few of them would enjoy that sight, IE Doctor Cleanser, that stallion once looked me over just to study me, I can still feel those eyes of his lusting after me...

Cue body shivering and mental vomiting.

"Perfect..."

"Oh don't worry my Kell, I know that even if you tried to do the dirty deed with them that you might and possibly could injury them, tear or rupture something with our size alone, it would be even more of a mess if you had more then one."

I stayed quiet at that remark, cause I do know that I have two. I am just glad that I don't have three or more.

"Well then, shall we drop this discussion and move onto more important matters?"

"Yes...lets..."

"Excellent, Quill has your schedule for today, Bastion is recovering in the infirmary from a wound that we did not find until after his armor has been removed, Forge is cleaning herself off and my father is still wishing that you marry me although I keep telling him that his request will be rejected and that it is futile." Ah yes, the typical things that all the higher noble families are trying to do, get me to marry their daughters.

Why haven't I just declare that I am off limits? Would that even work and would they even listen to that decree?

"I swear those nobles are going to drive me to drink one day." I said as I thought back to my last beer I had, it was pretty much like piss water but still it had its desired effect of getting me drunk off my ass.

"When that day happens come to my office, I am sure I have a bottle of wine that you might enjoy." A goody...wine, something that must be learned and studied just to sound sophisticated when with the social elite.

"I just might go to the Prancing Pony and drink myself to a stupor." I said, that name was a straight up rip off from Lord of the Rings, it even had the same sign and everything.

"Ah, the poor stallions drink...I should have known better." What do you have against beer women? You should try it sometime.

"You only live once Shining Pearl, or in my case...maybe more than once." And if what I know about the Fallen is true, we can be revived with a Servitor or a Prime Servitor.

"Hmm...well then, let us be off and go our separate ways." Shining Pearl says before the two of us left the room.

And with that said we went in different directions, she went down the hall leading to her office while I went to the throne room.

Just another typical day in the Crystal Empire.