Only the Dead Have Seen the End of War
The moment Rainbow walked into Sugarcube Corner, she knew this day would be an interesting one.
Peering around the room, she noticed the shop was, save for her five closest friends, entirely empty. Considering that it was a Saturday afternoon—easily the busiest time of the week—it made her brow scrunch up. Tables were cleared of all utensils, condiments, and any other complementary doohickies that one might expect in a pastry shop. The lights to the displays were dark, no longer drawing attention to the confectionaries inside. Even the air, normally filled by the sweet aroma of sugar and pastry delights, was barren. Rainbow swore that the room even felt colder; whether that was because the kitchen was dark, or the mood in the room itself, she wasn’t sure. All she knew was that the only ponies in the seating area, other than herself, were her five close friends. None of them were wearing a happy face.
If Rainbow had any sense of sense of self preservation, she would have flown away at that moment. Alas, her curiosity was far too strong to allow her the easy way out. “So… what’s up?” she asked, the bell behind her chiming as the door closed.
“I love you!” Fluttershy suddenly yelled out, the mare’s wings spread wide as they twitched erratically.
Rainbow blinked. “You… what?”
“Oh yes! Ever since we were fillies, I knew we had a special connection that I just can’t deny any longer! Rainbow, you were always my special friend, my protector, and the most wonderful mare that anypony could ever dream of having at her side. Please make me yours!”
Rainbow blinked again. “Oh… I… umm…”
Twilight shoved Fluttershy to the side, a sudden “eep” escaping the pegasus’ lips as she stumbled. “No! You should go out with me!”
“Huh? What?”
“I love you, Rainbow. Ever since the day I first saw you. The second you cleared those skies the day before the Summer Sun Celebration, I was dumbfounded by how… absolutely amazing you were! Say yes to me! I am your princess, after all”
“Wait wait wait, so you both like me?” Rainbow shook her head. “I don’t think I should—”
“Oh, pish posh! Don’t you see that Rainbow doesn’t want to be with the likes of you two... unsophisticated ponies?” Rarity stepped in front of Twilight. “Why Rainbow, you and I both know that you love ponies that have drive, and who doesn’t have more drive and dedication than yours truly? I believe we would be the best couple in all of Equestria!”
“Maybe, if she wanted to forever be your model and wear fancy wigs and such.” Applejack walked up to Rainbow and slung a foreleg around her shoulders. “I’m really sorry about all of this.”
Finally, somepony who is acting reasonable, Rainbow thought to herself. Finally smiling, she turned to Applejack. “Thanks, I really don’t know what to—” She stopped when she saw the smile and those half-lidded eyes. Oh, for Celestia’s sake.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into them either, but I know what we could get into. Let’s just say that apple trees aren’t the only thing I’m good at bucking.”
“Oh dear heavens!” Rarity cried, putting a hoof on her lips. “How… how…”
“Ew!” Twilight finished. “Doing that on your first date!?”
The foreleg was growing heavier by the second. Rainbow gulped as she turned to the last pony in the room. “Pinkie, please tell me you don’t feel the same way.”
“Sorry Dashie!” Pinkie did a skip across the room. “I wanna touch your booty too!”
“Nobody’s touching anypony, except me!” Twilight shoved Rarity away.
“Don’t touch me, you fillyfriend stealing ingrate!” Rarity shoved back.
“Stay away from her, she’s mine!” Applejack said, pulling Rainbow tighter in her grip. “She obviously wants me.”
“Like hell I’m letting you keep her!” Fluttershy came up and yanked Rainbow to the side, almost pulling her out of Applejack’s grip. Almost.
“Let go of her! She’s mine!”
“No! She’s mine!”
“I’ve been her friend forever!”
“Then stay in the friend zone!”
“You stay in the loser zone!”
“You’re a loser zone!”
“I’m the princess! I order you all to let go of her!”
“You’re about to be princess of my right hoof!”
“I want that booty!”
“Hold up!” Rainbow pulled away from all five of them, taking to the air. If only I wasn’t in this building, I could just fly away. “There’s got to be another way to settle this. Can’t we just talk about it?”
The sun and stars must have been looking down on her at that moment, for somehow, some way, the five settled down and looked at each other. They stayed silent, but their eyes betrayed the cogs and wheels spinning within their heads. Even Pinkie was silent, thinking about something, though whether it was related to getting together with Rainbow or whether it was about her blue rump, she didn’t want to know. They suddenly huddled together, whispering about some sort of resolution or another. Every so often, one of them would point in a direction, nod their head, or steal a look at Rainbow.
Eventually, they broke off. Twilight cleared her throat and, after a final confirmation nod from the other four, said, “Alright Rainbow, we have an idea to solve this dilemma.”
“Do I get a say in this?”
“No.”
“I can’t believe we’re doing something this stupid.”
“Shush,” Rarity said as she stretched her hind legs. “Nopony asked for your opinion.”
“Obviously,” Rainbow muttered, tugging at the ropes that bound her to the chair. “Do I really have to be tied up for this though? I have an itch!”
“Don’t worry, Rainbow.” Fluttershy smiled at her as she gave her wings a few quick test flaps. “I’ll be there in a moment to give you the kiss. Then I can get you out of there.”
“As if you stand a chance,” Applejack muttered, hanging her hat against the post next to the door.
“I’m going to have Rainbow booty! I’m going to have Rainbow booty!” Pinkie was still hopping around the basement, never really taking her place behind the line.
“Alright, everypony.” Twilight said, stepping up to the rope line that was pulled across the front of them. “We all ready?”
“Do we really have to be doing this in… pudding?” Rarity gave the chocolate a tentative poke. “I’d rather not muss up my mane.”
“You can always give up right now. I’m sure nopony would argue against it.”
“...Bring it on.”
“Alright, is everypony ready?” Everypony nodded in reply to Twilight’s call. Rainbow wanted to say no, but something told her that her opinion would go unheeded. “Alright then. Ready… set… go!”
The very first thing that happened was Applejack shoving Rarity in the rump. Hard. So hard, Rarity tripped over the rope, lost her hoofing, and shrieked as she slammed face-first into the pool of pudding. Applejack jumped on top of Rarity’s back to leap forward, gaining a sizable head start. Fluttershy took to the air, determined to simply fly over to Rainbow. A sudden magenta aura brought her down to earth, yanking on her tail and slamming her into the pudding, splattering everypony with chocolate. Twilight jumped into the pool, sloshing through the deep chocolate—whether she forgot about her wings or didn’t trust somepony to do the same thing to her, Rainbow wasn’t certain.
Pinkie, on the other hoof, lept into the chocolate and began eating.
Twilight quickly caught up to Applejack and grabbed her tail with her teeth. Applejack fought to get her off with a shove of her hind hoof, but Twilight was able to dodge it well enough. Applejack yelped as Twilight yanked, forcing Applejack to fall into a sitting position. However, just when Twilight thought she had the advantage, the earth pony pounced backwards, did a flip in the air, and landed on Twilight’s back. Using her strong forelegs, she wrapped them around Twilight’s neck and tried to wrestle the unicorn to the ground. Instead of falling as Applejack expected, Twilight shook her entire body like a dog after coming out of a rainstorm. Applejack clung to her back, pulled hard, and eventually caused Twilight to lose balance. Tumbling down to her left side, Applejack flipped to the right, splashing pudding all over her legs, belly, and Rainbow as well.
Applejack’s head and back were still dry. Twilight was nowhere to be seen.
Fluttershy was sloshing through the pudding, trying to reclaim some of the distance that had grown between her and Applejack. Just as she was about to reach where Twilight had sunk, Pinkie lept from the pudding with a shark fin tied to her back and roared. Fluttershy only had time to turn and utter a squeak as if she were a rubber duck before Pinkie grabbed Fluttershy’s mane with her teeth and pulled her under. There were a few bubbles and occasionally an errant leg to pop out of the pudding as the two struggled, but after ten seconds a final bubble popped on the surface, silencing Fluttershy.
By this point, Applejack had pulled herself up right next to Rainbow. Wrapping her forelegs around her, Applejack grinned. “Now, I claim my spoils.”
“Not another inch, Applejack!”
Both Applejack and Rainbow turned their heads and saw Rarity. The cowpony gasped as she saw Rarity standing just outside of the pudding, her horn alight with magic, gripping Applejack’s hat within it. Pointing with a forehoof, Rarity cried out, “You move another inch closer to Rainbow, and I’ll do it!”
Applejack cocked her head. “Do what?”
Rarity gave a toothy grin. “I’ll tear this thing in half.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “You wouldn’t.”
“Would I? Hmm… I guess you might be right. I wouldn’t intentionally rip it… only…”
Rip.
A small tear appeared at the front of the hat. “...Oops. I guess I can’t control my magic.”
Applejack grinned. “Fine, go ahead. Do it. I don’t care.”
Rarity’s grin remained, but Rainbow saw it waver a little. “You’re bluffing.”
“Psh, as if.” Applejack rolled her eyes as she pulled Rainbow closer. “I have maybe three dozen or more at home. It’s just a hat, not some weird family heirloom or something. I buy those things in bulk.”
The unicorn’s smile was gone. “You’re… you’re lying.”
Applejack turned to Rainbow. “Let me show you how much I’m lying when I—”
A orb of chocolate smacked into Applejack’s face, slamming her away from Rainbow and into the pudding. Twilight jumped onto Applejack, and the two started tumbling and rolling in the chocolate. A second later, and both had transformed from their once vibrant colors into a dark brown. Both rolled and tumbled, fighting for the top of the pile: fighting for dominance. Yet, neither could get the advantage that they wanted. Applejack had the edge in strength—Rainbow was sure on that—but Twilight had two extra appendages to work with. On and on they fought, the majority of the time with their eyes closed. Suddenly, Applejack’s leg slipped, and she fell onto her back in a more shallow area of the chocolate, so the majority of her was still above the surface. Twilight rolled on top of her, straddling Applejack’s belly, pinning the earth pony’s forelegs with her own. Grimacing, both ponies were at a stalemate, glaring at each other.
Twilight leaned down, locking lips with Applejack. The earth pony didn’t even hesitate to reply, wrapping her forelegs around Twilight’s neck and pulling the alicorn deeper into the entangling kiss. They were wrestling for the second time. This time it was not for Rainbow, but for each other’s tongues. Rainbow barely fought back a gag as Twilight moaned, Applejack stroking her primary feathers. Rainbow heard Twilight whisper something to Applejack, eliciting a giggle. Nodding the two both jumped up and ran out of the basement, the sound of a door slamming behind them echoing down the stairs.
Swallowing some bile, Rainbow noticed that neither Fluttershy nor Pinkie were anywhere to be seen, Rainbow looked at Rarity, still standing next starting line, well away from the pudding. She rolled her eyes and said, “Well, I guess you’re the default winner. Come claim your ‘prize’ or whatever.”
“Err… now that I think about it, Rainbow, I think that I don’t actually like mares. Seeing Twilight and Applejack just now… well…” Rarity gestured with her forehooves, tapping them together, “...things don’t really seem like they fit right if a stallion isn’t involved. So if you understand, I concede.” Bowing, Rarity placed Applejack’s hat on her head and walked up the stairs.
Seconds later, Pinkie erupted from the pudding, shaking the chocolate out of her mane. Blinking, Pinkie asked, “Hey! Where did everypony go?”
“Rarity realized she likes outies, not innies and Applejack and Twilight are… well… discovering how much magic they can make in the bedroom.” Rainbow shook her head in an attempt to get that particular mental image out of her mind. Looking at Pinkie again, she cocked her head. “Where’s Fluttershy?”
“Oh, well, she realized that she couldn’t win against everypony else, so she gave up. I helped clean her up, bring her home, feed her animals, and tuck her into bed.” Pinkie beamed. “She’s definitely a sleepy filly!”
“Right.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “So yeah, you going to kiss me and get me out of here, or what?”
“Kissies?” Pinkie walked up to Rainbow, their lips nearly touching each other. “Is that what you want?”
Rainbow squirmed under the ropes. “Umm… that’s what you wanted… wasn’t it?”
“Nope!” Pinkie pulled back and smiled wider. “I just wanted your booty! Remember?” With a hard shove, Pinkie pushed Rainbow into the pudding, bent over, and gave the rainbow lightningbolt cutie mark a great lick. “There we go! Okay! That’s all I wanted.”
“I… wait… what?” Rainbow gurgled, chocolate getting into her nose.
“Yep! Welp, the Cakes are going to kill me if they knew I closed the store on a Saturday, so I got to go!” Pinkie patted Rainbow’s rump one more time before she hopped away. “I know how much you loooove pudding though, so I’ll let you keep it! Toodles!” With that, she hopped up the stairs to the basement, opened the door, and slammed it behind her.
Rainbow squirmed to try and right herself, but it was impossible. She tried to at least roll over, but she couldn’t quite get enough slack to move the chair enough. She didn’t even bother trying to fly. She tried calling for help, but every time she did, pudding got in her nose. Instead, she settled down, groaned, and took a bite.
“I hate my friends.”
Author's Note
I have no idea what I drank to pump this out.
