Sun snuck through the cracks of Principal Celestia's window. She snored loudly, barely noticing the loud blaring of her alarm clock. Her blanket was strewn to the side, barely covering one of her long, pale leg. Her alarm rang relentlessly, even after Celestia slapped it to the ground. The sun beamed even brighter, serving as a cruel reminder that there was a whole day of work and stress ahead.
Celestia loved her job, more than anything else, but there was no denying how stressful it was. Overseeing a school of a few hundred hormonal teenagers wasn’t the easiest job in the world. Especially when there was magical intervention, as was becoming the norm at Canterlot High School.
There was a loud rapping at the door, inciting a growl from Canterlot High's principal.
“What?” groaned Celestia.
“You need to get ready for school.” Celestia heard her sister say. “You have ten minutes before you are late.”
“How is school even open today? Can we not take a week off after we are attacked by mythical creatures?” Celestia sat up groggily in bed, trying with all her might to stay awake. Her eyes faltered again and again, and she decided to give in. She closed her eyes and fell back onto her bed.
“Do not go back to sleep, Celestia. The students need you.” said Luna, knocking even louder. Celestia muttered some unintelligible form of refusal. “Sister, I will break down this door if I have to.” Another sleepy grumble. “Very well. You have brought this upon yourself. I’m coming in.”
“No!” said Celestia suddenly. She looked down at herself, clad in a white bra and purple panties. “I’m as good as naked.”
“I don’t care. Come on. If you hurry, you may even have time to shower.” said Luna. Celestia heard the receding footsteps of her younger sister, no doubt preparing herself for work. Celestia herself finally pushed herself to her feet. With her long legs, she strode into her bathroom with no more than three steps.
“The hardest part of the day is the beginning.” Celestia grumbled to herself. She looked at herself in the mirror and scowled. Her long, multi-colored hair was a bushy, tangled mess. Her magenta eyes, normally bright and vibrant, seemed dull. Celestia opened her medicine cabinet and grabbed a yellow toothbrush, as well as an empty tube of toothpaste.
“Luna! Did you use the last of my toothpaste?” said Celestia angrily.
“You know I did not.” Luna called from somewhere in the house. Celestia guessed she was in her bedroom, which was adjacent to her own. “You know, it is unhealthy to be so angry so early in the morning. Especially if you take it out on others.”
“Yes, yes, of course.” said Celestia, hardly listening. She grabbed her makeup, so tired that she wasn’t even sure what she was picking up. Without much care, she applied her eyeliner, smudging and smearing it on her face. She dozed off while trying to put on her lipstick, and ended up wiping her mouth and starting again. After two minutes of trying, she gave up, slammed her mirror shut, and returned to her bedroom.
“Sister? You do not have too much longer.” said Luna, knocking again.
“Neither do you, if you don’t leave me be.” muttered Celestia. She stepped onto her bed and jumped forward.
THUMP!
Celestia grasped the top of her head in pain, spewing a myriad of swears. When she was clear of her bed and the ceiling, she pulled open her closet.
“Damn these long legs.” she said to herself. Celestia dug around in her closet for something suitable to wear. For some reason, she thought everything she owned looked atrocious. Yellow and purple everything. It made Celestia’s head hurt. She finally settled on an outfit, a yellow dress shirt behind a yellow jacket with a pair of deep magenta dress pants. There was no time for ironing, so Celestia just jumped into her clothes. Just as Celestia was crossing her room to open the door, she heard another series of rapping. Celestia grabbed the door knob and angrily pulled.
“I see you are awake.” said Luna. She was in a much better state than her sister. Luna’s purple blouse and her navy blue pants were ironed and pressed. Her makeup was applied calmly and neatly, as opposed to the dark smudges on Celestia’s face. And the state of her older sister’s hair made her want to cringe. Luna was tempted to offer Celestia a brush.
“How long do we have?” asked Celestia.
“Three minutes, if you want to make it by the skin of your teeth. Shall I drive?”
“Three minutes? That’s enough time for coffee.” said Celestia, almost excitedly. Coffee had an amazing way of changing a morning. A hot, strong cup of black coffee might make the morning tolerable.
“We have no coffee, Celestia. You drank the last of it yesterday.” said Luna. “I would have bought more, but it seems as if they were sold out.”
“Of coffee? Luna, if you wish to trick me into giving up coffee, you should come up with a more believable excuse.” scoffed Celestia. “I get it. Coffee isn’t good for you. But don’t lie to me.”
“I am telling the truth. I searched everywhere. Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Food Lion, Kroger, Aldi, every grocery store in town.” said Luna. “There doesn’t seem to be any coffee in Canterlot City.”
“We’ll just see about that. You’re making a stop at Starbuck’s before school.” said Celestia.
“Yes, Principal.” Luna rolled her eyes. She reached into her purse and grabbed her keys. Celestia snatched them from her and made her way to the door.
“Three things.” said Luna. “One: Those are my keys to my car. Unless you learned how to drive a manual transmission overnight, I suggest you return them to me. Two: You should not be driving in your condition. All it will take is for one person to cut you off and I will have to bail you out of prison.”
“Are we not in a hurry?” grumbled Celestia. “Let’s go!”
“Three: You cannot very well go to work without shoes on your feet.” said Luna. Celestia looked down at her toes, which were poking out from beneath her pants.
“I am not wearing shoes.” said Celestia flatly.
“No. You are not.” Luna smirked.
When Celestia had shoes on her feet, she left with Luna to get into the deep blue sedan that Luna loved so much. Celestia sat in the passenger seat and started to doze instantly. She jerked awake when Luna turned on the car and took off down the street.
“For the love of God! I look like crap.” Celestia said, looking at herself in the side mirror. “How could you let me leave the house like this? I look like a clown that was run over.”
Luna ignored her sister. She was too smart to take the bait. So Luna did her best so sit in silence and ignore Celestia’s complaints and nagging, even as she parked the car outside of the coffee shop her sister so desperately needed to visit.
“Are you coming?” asked Celestia. Luna shook her head.
“I am partial to tea.” said Luna. Celestia shrugged and left the car, stepped under the green awning and into the deserted coffee shop. No line. No conflict. Just coffee.
“Hello, ma’am! Welcome to Starbucks Coffee!” said the barista with a smile. He was a thin, wiry, golden skinned boy with thick framed glasses. Celestia looked at him oddly.
“Do I not know you from somewhere?” Celestia asked.
“You know, I was asking myself the same thing. I’m Golden Spark.” said the barista.
“Golden Spark… Golden Spark…” Celestia muttered under her breath. “Class 204 at Canterlot Elementary School, yes?”
“Yeah… Oh! Ms. C!” said Golden Sparks. “I haven’t seen you since the third grade! Wow, you look great!”
“Please don’t lie to me. I look awful.” said Celestia.
“Nonsense! You look amazing! What are you doing nowadays? Not still teaching third graders, are you?”
“No, but I wish I could return. I’m principal at CHS.” said Celestia. She was tired of talking. She just wanted her coffee.
“You don’t say? My cousin goes there. Flash, FLash Sentry.” he said.
“Flash is one of my favorite students.” lied Celestia. Golden Spark beamed with pride. “It has been great catching up, but I really must hurry.”
“Right, sorry. What can I get you today?” said Golden with an even bigger smile.
“One large coffee, black, no sugar.” said Celestia.
“Sorry, ma’am, but I cannot do that.”
“Do you not sell plain black coffee anymore? Fine, just give me one of those frappuccino things.” said Celestia irritably.
“No, I mean, we’re all out. Of coffee.”
“Right. Sorry. How silly of me.” said Celestia. “In that case, can you please point me in the direction of the nearest Starbucks?” Golden was confused.
“Uh… This is the nearest Starbucks…” said Golden Sparks.
“Is it? Then I must be confused. Tell me, what is a Starbucks?” asked Celestia.
“A coffee shop.” The barista was getting nervous.
“Right. And a coffee shop sells… What, exactly?”
“C-coffee?” Canterlot High’s principal bit down on her own teeth, resisting the urge to shout. Almost.
“So you wish to tell me that Starbucks, a coffee shop that sells coffee, is all out of coffee?” Celestia half-yelled.
“I’m sorry! There’s no coffee anywhere! I’ve checked!” yelped Golden. Celestia let out a shriek, then yelled unintelligible slurs.
“Ms. Celestia, I’m going to have to ask you to leave!” he begged.
Celestia balled her fists angrily and stomped out the door. She slid into Luna’s car and ordered her sister to drive.
“Would you like to tell me what happened in there?” asked Luna.
“Turn left here. There’s a Tim Horton’s right up the block.” said Celestia. Her trip to Tim Horton’s was about as successful as her journey to Starbucks. They tried Dunk'n Donuts next, and even McDonalds after that.
"Where else?" asked Celestia. "Where else can we look?"
"Nowhere. Now, I've been tolerant of your antics, but I will allow no more shenanigans." said Luna sternly. "We are fifteen minutes late. We've missed the morning announcements."
"Cadance most likely did them in our absence." said Celestia.
"This is childish! We are going to school. Now. If you want to go on your hunt for the Holy Grail when we get there, you can walk."
Celestia muttered something under her breath, something Luna was too annoyed to catch.
Celestia just wanted her coffee. That's all. Just a hot, steaming, cup of caffeinated bitterness. Was that too much to ask?
Celestia yawned before walking her way down her school's main corridor. She looked to her right, at the posters promoting The Battle of the Bands from a week prior. Celestia made a mental note to have them taken down.
"Wub-a-dub-dub, motherf-" began a voice. Celestia spun on her heel and grabbed the wrist of the fleeing teenager.
"Care finish that sentence, Ms. Scratch?" said Celestia. She could imagine the nonchalant gleam of Vinyl's eyes, hidden behind her shades.
"Uh... Nah. I'm good." said Vinyl. Celestia's glare intensified. "Sorry, Principal Celestia. It was a part of the song." She pointed to the white headphones covering her ears.
"Give." ordered Celestia. Vinyl groaned and unplugged her headphones from her MP3 player and handed it to the principal.
“And the earbuds. I know you have spares.” said Celestia. Vinyl rolled her eyes and pressed her spare earbuds into Celestia’s hand.
“And the iPod.” ordered Celestia. She snatched the MP3 from Vinyl’s hand and pocketed it. “Detention. I want all of the Battle of the Band posters down by lunch.”
“Come on! For listening to music?!” complained Vinyl.
“Electronics are barred on school grounds. Do not argue with me, or I can tack on more detention.” snapped Celestia. Vinyl shoved her hands into her pockets and stomped off angrily.
Celestia strutted down the hall with her new confiscated contraband in tow. She scowled at the trickling of students who were rushing to get to class.
“The bell will be ringing soon! Make sure you are in class two minutes before class begins!” yelled Celestia. She caught a whiff of something nauseatingly sweet, like lollipops and cotton candy. Pink flashed past Celestia, then blue, then pink again. Celestia stopped in her tracks with the feeling of a swimmer being surrounded by sharks. A pink shark. A pink shark with big poofy hair that brushed against Celestia’s nose.
“Hey, Principal Celestia!” said Pinkie Pie, cartwheeling in a circle around Celestia. “I haven’t seen you all day!”
“The day hardly started, Pinkamena.” growled Celestia. Pinkie stopped in mid-cartwheel, with her big blue boots in the air and one palm on the ground. She flipped forward onto her feet and peered at Celestia.
“You don’t look so good, Principal Celestia. Didn’t get your morning coffee, huh?” asked Pinkie. Celestia’s lip twitched. “Well, I don’t have any coffee, but I do have pop and energy drinks! Would you like one?”
Christmas had come early.
“Energy drinks? I would like that.” said Celestia. Pinkie reached into her hair and started pulling out bottles and cans.
“Milk, OJ, protein shake… Here you go!” she said triumphantly, holding up a black can with three green scratches painted onto it. “Monster Energy™!”
“You are my new favorite student.” said Celestia thankfully. She took the can from her most hyperactive pink student. She cracked open the top and brought it to her lips. Just when she was about to take a sip, something slammed into her.
The world went in slow-motion. The can drifted to the ground, just barely faster than Celestia could grab it. It clanked against the floor, spilling green onto the shiny tiles.
“Oof! Aria, was that you? Come on, guys! This soooo isn’t funny anymore!” said the thing that bumped Celestia. Laying on the ground to Celestia’s right was a confused, flustered, and blindfolded Siren in the form of Sonata Dusk.
“Dagi! Ari! I can’t find it anywhere!” she said, pushing herself to her feet. “Like, for realsies. Where is that piñata?”
“What are you doing at my school?” demanded Celestia. Sonata jumped at the sudden sharpness of the unfamiliar voice.
“Huh? Is that the principal? What is she doing in the gymnasium?” Sonata held her hands out and felt around blindly. She tapped her palms against Pinkie’s hair and sighed. “There you are, Dagi! I was getting worried for a sec.”
“I’m not a Dagi! I’m a Pinkie!” said Pinkie Pie brightly.
“Pinkie? Oh, you were one of the Rainbooms, right?”
"I will ask you only one more time, and then I am calling the police and having you arrested for assault." growled Principal Celestia. "What are you doing at my school?"
"Looking for the piñata!" said Sonata, as if it should've been obvious.
"Why did you come here? I thought I expelled you and your no-good friends!"
"Friends? Oh! You mean Aria and Adagio? They're not my friends. They're my sisters!" said Sonata. Celestia gave her another murder-glare so intense that Sonata could feel it. "Look, I didn't want to come, but Aria made me. She told me to slip through the cracks."
"And..."
"There was a hole in the fence to the football field. I climbed through." explained Sonata. Principal Celestia pressed her palm against her face in complete disbelief.
"Pinkamena, escort this girl to Vice Principal Luna's office. I don't have the patience to deal with her foolishness." said Celestia. Today would be the day. The day she finally had enough.
"Okie-doke!" said Pinkie. "Let's go Sona-. Sonaht-."
"You can call me Sony, if you want." said Sonata. Pinkie gasped in terror.
"No way! Do you want to get sued?!" Pinkie shrieked. She pushed her hands against Sonata's back and ushered her down the hall.
Celestia had essentially fallen asleep before Pinkie even left. By that point, she didn't even fight it. If she had to stand in the middle of her hallways to get some sleep, then so be it.
A finger tapped her shoulder. Celestia was too sleepy to even feel it. So, so, so tired. The finger tapped again, slightly harder. Celestia felt it and mumbled some form of "beat it". The finger became two hands that shook Celestia awake.
"Sonata Dusk, I will call the police right now!" said Celestia, her eyes still clenched shut.
"Um... Celestia?" A much different voice than Sonata's. This one was mature, loving, respectful and, more than anything, cautious.
"Ms. Cadenza." said Celestia drowsily. "How may I help you? What are you doing here?"
"I'm a guidance counselor at a public high school." said Cadance. "That's something of a full time job."
"Right. Sorry. What time is it?" Cadance looked down at her watch.
"8:15."
"This is it. I'm retiring after today." said Celestia depressingly. "I'm tired of being tired."
"Ah. You're missing your coffee." said Cadance knowingly. "Come with me. I have something that should cheer you up." Cadance grabbed Celestia's wrist and dragged her down the hall. Celestia let herself be led, with her eyes still shut.
A minute later, Celestia caught the smell of strong, black, fresh-brewed.
"Great. Now I'm going insane." said Celestia. She opened her eyes finally and gasped. They were in Cadance's office. On her desk, which was normally cluttered with papers and folders, were five steaming pots of coffee.
"I was afraid of something like this" Cadance smiled. "So I've been stockpiling coffee for weeks. A half cup at a time, so that nobody would notice.”
“You… You get a raise.” said Celestia. She grabbed the pot. “You get a raise and a paid vacation.”
“Is that in the budget?”
“Of course not.”
“I have some cups and sugar in my… What are you doing?” asked Cadance. The principal brought the empty pot from her lips and laid it on the desk. She grabbed the second pot and brought the brim to her mouth, tipping the second pot of boiling black, bitter coffee down her throat.
“There’s no way that’s good for you.” said Cadance nervously. “Maybe you should slow down.”
“Most likely.” said Celestia, draining the third pot. She lowered it onto the desk, then knocked it to the ground. Her hands were moving of their own accord, jittering and spasming at random intervals. She grabbed the fourth pot with her shaky hands. The black in the pot sloshed around haphazardly.
“Celestia, seriously. Stop.” said Cadance. Celestia drained the fourth pot and moved on to the fifth. By this time, her foot had started tapping and her veins adopted a buzzing feeling that Celestia was too envigorated to care about.
“Last pot.” said Celestia. Cadance started a feeble warning but stopped when Celestia had half of the pot in her stomach.
“I can’t feel my anything.” declared Celestia. She slammed her fingers against the side of her neck. “Okay. Either my heart stopped completely, or it’s now beating so fast that I can’t process a pulse.”
“This was a bad idea.” said Cadance.
“Why? What could happen?”
15 hours later
“You built a village in the middle of the cafeteria.” said Luna, breaking the silence. She turned the car left down the street. “Thirteen little townhouses in the middle of the cafeteria.”
“Yes.” said Celestia brightly.
“And then you tried to get students to move in.”
“Correct.”
“You painted my office fuschia. I hate fuschia.” said Luna.
"And I will paint it blue tomorrow." promised Celestia.
"Its not about the color of my office, Celestia. I fear that you may have a problem."
"How do you figure?"
"You're running alongside my car!" exclaimed Luna. Celestia nodded crazily, putting her legs into overdrive.
"How fast are we going?" asked Celestia.
"Thirty."
"Are we almost home?"
"We've been driving in circles around the house for about ten minutes.” Luna parked the car in the driveway. “Come on, before your caffeine craze crashes.”
“I will have energy for years to come! I will never sleep again!” said Celestia. She ran, grabbed the house keys from Luna, and burst through her front door.
“It’s getting late, Celestia. Do you know how sooner we could’ve gotten home if it wasn’t for your antics?” said Luna disapprovingly. “It’s 11:30, and I’m going to sleep. See you in the morning.”
Luna grumpily stomped off up to her room. She was asleep within minutes.
“I might as well get some sleep myself.” said Celestia. She washed herself up, dressed herself in the softest, coziest pajamas she had, and fell onto her bed. She pressed her eyes closed. Her eyeballs spun around beneath her eyelids. Her blood felt as if it was vibrating. She lay in bed, sleepless for hours. She turned and glanced at her alarm clock.
11:33 PM.
“I’m switching to tea.” muttered Celestia.
Author's Note
Well… That just happened. I sorta just wrote this on a whim, after rewatching both Equestria Girls movies and seeing the really nice piece of art that is being used as the cover image. Easily the silliest, most pointless thing I’ve ever written, but it was fun
. Keep an eye out for the other, mostly unrelated, half of the story that might explain why Sonata was looking for a piñata. Maybe. If you liked, tell me why. If you didn’t, tell me why. Tell your friends and I will see you in the next one. Farewell!
