Tales from Equestria

by Hereward

Rating: everyone
Tags: Anthology, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Spike, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 18310

A series of light-hearted one-shots.

This is intended to be a series of one-shot tales of the ponies of Equestria.

Celestia's Apprentice: If anyone doesn't get the cultural reference to this I don't think I'd believe it. Inspired by A Visit From the Princess by Rainedash.

Capers in Coltchester: Derived from an episode of Last of the Summer Wine. The Mane Cast go on holiday.

Busted Brothers: Inspired by Impossible Numbers' fanfic Horse Apple Turnover and derived from an episode of Blackadder. Flim and Flam make a last throw of the dice in Canterlot and end up with snake eyes and they're taken into custody.

The Great Race: Derives concepts used in Red Dwarf, Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines and Are You Being Served? Princess Luna finds herself on the receiving end of an April Foal that leads her to investigate her finances.

A Royal Dinner: Based on an episode of It Ain't Half Hot Mum. Rainbow Dash is invited as a guest Wonderbolt trainee to a small dinner with Princess Celestia.

Further additions have been suspended due to an apparent change in the site's rules.

Published 2012-05-03 17:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-28 16:24:19 UTC

Capers in Coltchester

Twilight sat at her dining table, scrutinising a small piece of cardboard floating in front of her. Rarity stood nearby with an unusually bothered look on her face and Applejack sat at the studious unicorn's side. Pinkie Pie was currently looking over some of the Golden Oak Library's stock of books in a random pattern, searching for something to while away the time. Just then her scalp began to itch, telling the hyper pink pony that there was going to be some amusing dialogue soon.

"You know," Twilight told the company, "I'm looking forward to this. A weekend by the sea, salt air in your lungs, sun on the water..."

"Sand in yer sandwiches." Applejack remarked as she finished one.

"Pull the other one, Applejack." Twilight declared. "You're looking forward to it just as much as I am. When I called for you this morning you were whistling."

"Ah always whistle when makin' breakfast."

"You were happy."

"Easy now. No need t' shout it all over Ponyville. Anyway a good day's work can make me happy as much as a holiday." Just then Spike came in.

"What a beautiful day." He declared. "If Coltchester's got the same sort of weather schedule we'll be laughing."

"Only if Fluttershy can get here with that carriage." Rarity pointed out, beginning to look uneasy.

"Fluttershy's not gonna let us down." Pinkie reassured them.

"It's not that I don't think she's going to show," Rarity remarked, "I'm just concerned that she'll be delayed by her own meek nature."

"Wait a minute!" Applejack suddenly realised. "Twi, 'ow did'ya ge' t'all yer postcards before we even started out?"

"They're cheaper to buy locally." Twilight grinned.

"And that's your idea of a reckless let-yer-'air-down spirit? We are all goin' on 'oliday."

"I don't want to make a big dent in the treasury." She answered. "After all the Princess did let us have the carriage on account."

"Is that why Fluttershy's bringing it?" Rarity asked in a bewildered tone. "Oh, come on darling!" She almost shouted out the door and sighed. "Why do some pegasus ponies zip across the sky in a flash and others keep holding back for everypony else?" It was a rhetorical question but Pinkie Pie just had to answer.

"It takes all sorts to make Equestria, Rarity." She said. "Anyway Derpy's quite a nice pegasus."

"Yes," Rarity sighed, "But she's just a bit soft in the head." Just then they noticed that Twilight had a quill and paper out and was browsing over the paper using the quill as a bookmark.

"By Celestia," Applejack groaned, "Twilight's at it again. What's eatin' yer, Twi?"

"Ah!" Twilight answered once she'd finished. "As I suspected, something's missing. I've been going through my checklist of luggage and personnel and I'm sure there's something missing."

"That had to be Rainbow Dash." Rarity pointed out, prompting a under-the-breath confirmation from Twilight. "When will she get here, anyway."

"I did suggest 9 o'clock." Twilight replied. "I gave her clear instructions so she could prepare efficiently written down in the most straightforward way for the average pony, but she has to be above-average."

"And I'll swear before Celestia," Pinkie remarked, "That those are among my favourite kinds of ponies."

"Me?" Said Twilight. "Give me a razor-sharp intellect anytime."

"Don't worry, Twilight." Pinkie replied. "I will as soon as I find one." The unicorn shook her head at Pinkie's nature.

"Presenting Rainbow Dash!" Spike declared as he stood at the door.

"Thank Celestia she made it." Twilight sighed with relief.

"Oh my!" Rarity almost screamed as she looked out the door. "Why can't she ever display herself as the kind of mare you'd expect to see in a high-class band?"

"She's more of an elastic band." Pinkie answered. Rainbow actually trotted in with bulging and rather unkempt looking saddlebags, planting a box on the side and a pair of boots on the table, allowing her mouth freedom to speak.

"Look at that!" Applejack groaned. "Right on mah sandwiches." She took them herself. "Yer sure are the Duke of Wellington, ain't that right RD." She made for the door.

"Hey, AJ!" Rainbow Dash interrupted. "What are ya doin' with my boots?"

"Yer know Rarity." She responded. "She's probably not gonna breathe 'til these things are outdoors." Rainbow let it slide. However Rarity had another bone to pick.

"Darling," She interrogated, "Why did you bring a cardboard box?"

"I've got my best-dress hat in there." Rainbow replied. "I don't want to get it squashed!"

"Really." Rarity groaned. "Didn't you keep its hat box? This is the sort of thing that a real lady would put out with the rubbish."

"Like you can talk." The pegasus retorted. "Look at all the luggage you brought. Anypony would think we were preparing for an expedition."

"Oooh, you think we'll meet a giraffe?" Pinkie asked them. "Or a bear? Maybe a zebra? D'you think he'd know Zecora?" Both Rarity and Rainbow Dash now simultaneously gave Pinkie Pie a stern look. "Okayyy. Hang on, let me show you some of my new gear." She left the room unseen, bewildering them as they'd only looked away once, and came back before even a minute had passed. She even got up on the table in an unusual posture with her rear legs sticking out straight and her front hooves resting on her thighs without anypony seeing her do so.

"Heh." Rainbow chuckled. "Look as Miss Dainty-hooves." Pinkie was now wearing a golfing blazer, horseshoes that resembled plimsoles and, for some reason, a pair of trousers.

"Sweet Celestia!" Rarity cried at the sight. "You're a disaster, dear! Look at those trousers; they're halfway up your nostril!" She tugged at the bottoms by way of her magic.

"Ease off, Rarity." Pinkie interruped. "You, of all ponies, feeling another mare's leg. If it's gonna be that kind of holiday, I'm cancelling." Pinkie was certainly a sight, sitting on the table, even when she bent her knees.

"Don'chyer think she looks like a ventriloquist's dummy?" Applejack asked as she set one hoof on Pinkie's shoulder blade.

"Only if you pull the string." Rainbow said as she took Pinkie's tail in her fetlock and gave a half-hearted tug.

"I go'a lo'a gear." Pinkie played along with a laugh. Rainbow Dash pulled again. "I go'a lo'a gear."

"Okay, okay everypony." Twilight attempted to settle things down. "I know she might not be Sapphire Shoes, Rarity, but you've gotta admire her for doing herself up a bit."

"Cheers, Twi." Pinkie replied.

"She looks like a walking peppermint." Rarity stated. "But she has made some effort."

"Ma'm!" Pinkie snapped to attention. Rarity gave a few tugs on the blazer until she came to the handkerchief, which she found to be nothing more than a cardboard facsimile. She took it out and tore it apart, much to Pinkie's chagrin.

"Darling, don't you have a real handkerchief?"

"Oh! Would you like to borrow it?" Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a crumbled hankie covered in a multitude of baking ingredients.

"No thank you, Pinkie!" Rarity replied. "But I'll let you know if I need an oven cleaned." Then they all noticed a most unusual smell permeating the edifice.

"Oh!" Rainbow responded to their constant sniffing. "That's my new cologne."

"Oh, very subtle indeed, dear." Rarity remarked. "I suppose if you wanted the large size you would've received a cartload."

"It's totally radical." Rainbow answered. "It's called 'Flyceps'."

"Smells more like 'Sty-treks'." Applejack remarked.

"It's a Wonderbolts' cologne." Rainbow defended.

"Well, they'd have to be pretty fast if they were wearing that." Rarity added.

"'Flyceps'?" Spike checked. "Which I suppose means airbourne forceps; in other words a pair of tweezers with wings. Now that could take a bit of getting used to." He sniffed. "And this'll take a bit of getting used to, too. Which explains why they call it 'Flyceps'."

"But a cologne doesn't explain lateness." Twilight changed the subject. "I was expecting you at nine o'clock."

"Oh!" Cried Rainbow Dash. "She's off again. The egghead's off again."

"We must keep to the schedule!" Twilight declared.

"I couldn't help it!" Rainbow defended. "I was flying round at the last minute trying to find someone to leave Tank with."

"Couldn't you organise a tortoise-sitter yesterday? Why didn't you come to somepony who could organise; I'd apply a methodical brain to the problem."

"Twilight," Rainbow explained, "Normally I'd leave him with Fluttershy, but since she's coming with me I thought I'd try Derpy. But when I went to call on her, no Derpy. It looks like she's gone on holiday too."

"Ponies do take weekend breaks." Twilight pointed out.

"Only if Fluttershy makes it." Rarity added. Then, speak of the devil, the sound of hooves outside.

"Okay!" Spike declared as he poked his head in. "She's got the carriage here." With that they all gathered their things. Except Rarity who waited while she powdered her nose and Spike got her luggage out, except for one little handbag. When she did depart she asked him.

"Did you lock the back door?"

"Only about a dozen times." He replied, closing and locking the door behind him. Two minutes later he unlocked it again, letting Twilight gather her postcards. "Really, Twilight. 'We must keep to the schedule'." She gave him a hard look as Pinkie honked a horn she decided to bring.

"Come on, chief!" Rainbow called out as the two of them left the library.

When faced with the issue of pulling the carriage Twilight found an excellent solution, every pony would take it in turns. She was unspokenly well qualified to time a pony pulling for the sake of fairness but, when it was her turn, she needed Spike to do it and, considering his feelings for Rarity, she made it clear that she would not go either just before or just after her.

The result was an interesting mix of travel experience. Whenever Rarity pulled her concern for her complexion resulted in a slow leisurely pace allowing for a good look at the scenery and ensuring that her friends could occupy themselves with various past times. When Rainbow Dash pulled they went at a high speed as the pegasus became awfully keen to make up time, resulting in a none-too-smooth ride. Fluttershy took a leisurely pace but maintained a reasonable speed, especially to make up for whenever an animal on the road made her stop, and Applejack set a fairly swift pace for the purpose of effeciency and safety.

Things took a curious turn on a bridge when Fluttershy stumbled as she put on the brakes due to there being a family of ducks crossing up ahead. After due consideration, especially since she brought the carriage in the first place, they agreed to let Fluttershy ride for the rest of the journey, Twilight's gambit still in force.

They were just over halfway when they stopped at a cafe for a break.

"'ere we are." Applejack presented them with a glass of orange juice each; she would've got them apple juice but there wasn't any. "Just a quick drink while Fluttershy's washin' 'er hooves."

"You know the barkeep looks very high-class," Spike told them, "Which I usually take as a sign that the drinks are a bit below par."

"What's it matter?" Rainbow Dash asked. "We're on holiday!" They all took a swig, only to discover that Spike knew where he was coming from. "Okayyy, maybe it does matter a little."

"This residence," Twilight referred to their choice of place to stay, "Is a quaint family business only a short trot from the beach. What say you to a swim every morning before breakfast."

"What do yer think?" Spike asked generally.

"What do we think." Rainbow Dash replied.

"Suit yourself." Twilight sighed. "I'll go on my own."

"Good on yer, Twi!" Applejack shook her hoof.

"They don't make 'em like that anymore." Spike said.

"They never did." Rainbow added.

"What's the big deal?" She asked them.

"Don' take this the wrong way, Twi." Said Applejack. "But takin' a swim tha' early in Col'chester is paramount to foolhardiness."

"Oh, you've upset her." Pinkie groaned, never happy to see a pony in the dumps.

"Come now," Applejack tried to bring Twilight round, "We can all be a bi' stupid now and agin."

"Who's going on 'oliday, then?" Pinkie Pie cheekily asked in the hopes of lightening the mood. "Little Twilight's going on 'oliday! I'll buy you a stick o 'rock, I'll buy you a plate of kelp..."

"Don't please, Pinkie!" Twilight interrupted. "You're starting to sound like my auntie Blue Bell."

"Good grief!" Rainbow Dash blurted out. "Where's Fluttershy got to?!? She's not stuck in the bog, is she?"

"RD," Said Applejack, "If Fluttershy can 'erd bunnies surely she can steer 'er way through tha' simple act."

"Maybe she's having trouble with her clutch." Pinkie suggested.

"Let's face it," Rainbow continued, "She must've been in there for about..." She looked at a watch on her fetlock.

"Oh my!" Rarity declared. "That's very nouveau riche."

"Have you been balancin' yer payments agin?" Applejack asked.

"I got it from Time Stitch, four bits a week." She answered.

"Well she's not gonna have a fun Hearth's Warming then, is she." Pinkie moaned. Spike took a good look at it.

"How many needles do yer need?" He asked.

"That's more than a watch." Rainbow proudly declared. "That is a mini-barometer!"

"How so?" Twilight asked, bewildered by the sight of it.

"I haven't got round to that part yet. For Celestia's sake I gotta have time to understand all the functions." All of them smirked at this.

"Okay then." Applejack challenged. "Wha's the time now?" Rainbow Dash looked hard at the watch as she tried to answer.

"If you're a divin' pony it can tell ya how deep the water is." She mentioned.

"Oh," Twilight sarcastically remarked, "That's very useful, isn't it."

"And it's waterproof!" RD carried on.

"Oh yes," Rarity joined in Twilight's snarking, "I can see where that would be appealing."

"Flyceps!" RD returned as Pinkie tried to take a drink, leaning further and further forward.

"And where are you going, darling?" Rarity asked.

"I'm trying to keep the juice out of my mane." Pinkie replied, struggling to understand why Rarity, of all ponies, would have an objection.

"I told you to go to the hairdresser." Rarity bemoaned.

"Oh, come now Rarity." Pinkie declared. "The proprietor's not gonna mind what my haircut's like."

"Yes." Rarity sighed. "Coltchester isn't the most sophisticated of towns. Why couldn't we have gone to Blackmule?"

"Ah told ya!" Applejack replied. "As long as dear ol' Granny Smith 'as a breath left in 'er body no Apple's gonna set a hoof in Blackmule if they can 'elp it! Anyway yer can talk; yer di'n't take mah suggestion too kindly."

"Well," Rarity answered, "I ask you. Who'd dream of going to Armadillo?" Just before any of them could get into an 'odd-couple' argument Spike intervened.

"Hey, Fluttershy's back." He told them as the pegasus in question quietly sidled up to the bar and quietly supped her orange juice. When she caught them all looking at her she drew her head in and said.

"They've got a charming decor in the lavatory."

"Well I'm not sure where you'd sleep." Pinkie remarked. "Let's just have our drinks and carry on to Coltchester."

"Pinkie," Twilight responded, "That's quite possibly the most sensible thing I've ever heard you say."

The journey into Coltchester itself was rather uneventful, although they did get their first view of the sea out of the entire trip. Applejack took the limbers for the final leg of the journey and made the decision to make a brief stop on the seafront, allowing everypony to stretch their legs and breathe the sea air.

"Will you just smell the air." Rarity remarked with a sense of refreshment as they stood looking out across the sparkling waters.

"Mmm," Spike murmured, "Pearls and chips."

"And then they say 'there's no poetry in him'." Twilight responded.

"Oh, look." Rainbow Dash stated as she took a glance behind her. "Applejack's made a new friend already." It turned out that a transport official had advised the farm pony to take her carriage elsewhere.

"This is why Ah'd've preferred Armadillo." She groaned as the official walked away.

Applejack pulled them up to the front of their booked digs and unhitched herself as Twilight opened the door. They proceeded to unload their luggage as the proprietor stepped out to greet them, just as Applejack chucked Rainbow's cardboard box out of the carriage, meeting with harsh words from the pegasus. When Rarity greeted the proprietor she gave a few of her cases to Spike while they shook hoofs before the mature mare led her latest guests indoors, but Fluttershy had been left behind as she gathered her belongings so Applejack had to step outside again.

"C'mon now, Fluttershy." She called. "Yer know yer should speak up a bi' more." With that they finally went about moving into the guest house.

Applejack and Pinkie Pie shared one room, Fluttershy and Rarity took another while Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Spike got the penthouse suite.

"I thought those stairs would never end." Spike puffed as they entered the room. "Five fluttering flights."

"Still," Twilight remarked, "It's only one flight down to the bathroom."

"Yeah." He answered. "Once the red mist clears from your eyes it's quite a nice room."

"It'd be quicker to fly up." Rainbow moaned. "Look, there's an outdoor entrance."

"That," Twilight replied, "Is the fire escape."

"Oh well." Spike flopped onto one of the beds as Rainbow Dash slipped her wellies under another. "I'm gonna have a rest and I'll face them stairs again... Wednesday." Just then a hoofbell rang out. "Help! The building's on fire!"

"Only if yer don't watch yerself." Rainbow laughed.

"That's lunch." Twilight identified.

"You mean lunch is on fire?" Spike asked.

"I mean that's the signal for lunch to start."

"Well, that doesn't make sense." He said as he leapt off the bed and would've galloped down the stairs if he were a pony. "Why don't they shout like anyone else?"

"Spike!" Twilight went into surrogate parent mode. "Walk, don't run."

"Well," Rainbow Dash stated, "It mightn't be far too the beach but it's a dreadfully long way to the dining room."

"Take courage." Twilight advised. "It's downhill all the way."

"Oh, yes." Rarity concluded once she polished off her meal. "A most palatable cuisine."

"Well we are still in Equestria." Rainbow Dash responded. "It's not like we went abroad like that daft mare Lyra."

"Why?" Applejack asked. "Where'd she go?"

"Zebrica." The spectrum-maned pegasus replied. "She said the water was drinkable." A rather unfortunately aged maid came and started collecting the dirties, only managing Applejack's, Rarity's and Fluttershy's at this time. While she took them to the kitchen Rainbow Dash started slipping the leftovers of her corn-on-the-cob under her wings.

"What are you doing?" Twilight asked her with a touch of disbelief.

"Well, since we're in the room up-top," She answered, "I thought I'd take a few scraps up for the seagulls."

"Oh, no." Fluttershy started. "You can't feed seagulls just like that, they can be like vultures at times. They could have your leg off."

"Or in 'er case 'er feathers." Applejack added.

"Also their insides aren't all that well-developed." Fluttershy continued. "Those things could go straight through them like a drain." Spike, being a dragon, naturally had a totally clear plate.

"Here comes the guard." He snarked as the maid came to clear away their dirties again. She took up Twilight's plate and then both Spike's and Rainbow's, and promptly gawked at them.

"Do they eat the cobs an' all?" She asked incredulously.

The rest of the day was much more subdued but fun for our mares. A jaunt down the promenade and a few games reinvigorated their holiday spirits. All this culminated in some activities on the beach, during which Twilight, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie went over to some rocks for various purposes.

"Um, can I ask...?" Fluttershy ventured and was promptly welcomed. "Why does seawater taste so strongly of salt?"

"I expect they ran out of vinegar." Pinkie Pie suggested.

"No," Twilight half-laughed half-groaned, "It's the mineral content; the wear and tear on the rocks."

"Oh." Pinkie seemed to comprehend. "Like sliding down a fireman's pole? That's something I always wanted to do." Neither of her friends could figure what in Equestria she was talking about, as usual. "Hey! I think there's a periwinkle."

"Really?" Fluttershy checked.

"I'm not sure." Pinkie sighed. "It went in a flash."

"Don't worry, they'd take too much training to make good pets anyway."

"What in the eyes of the Princesses are you two talking about?!?" Twilight asked incredulously.

"Winkle training!" Pinkie Pie answered before turning to the shy pegasus. "They need a firm hoof."

"But... what about affection?"

"Nonsense. Many periwinkles got spoiled by pampering." Applejack wasn't too far behind, having seen the rock pools as a challenge, and Rarity was watching them all from the comparative cleanliness of the sand.

"Good gracious!" The farm mare declared. "Mah hooves are all green."

"Would that be from the outside or the inside?" Rarity snarked.

"Outside." Applejack returned. "It's gotta be these 'ere rocks."

"That's life." Pinkie remarked as she came bouncing over. "You start off in the morning full of hope and by teatime your hoofs are going green."

"Sweet Celestia!" Twilight reacted. "Is it that time already?"

It was close to midnight. The ponies and dragon were all sound asleep in their nigh pitch-black rooms when Twilight stirred as her subconscious registered an anomaly. She turned on the bedside lamp, which startled Spike from his slumber.

"What's up, Twilight?" He asked apprehensively. This prompted a 'shush' from her. "Well, I was full of shush a moment ago, it was you who started me off."

"I keep hearing something." She whispered.

"So can I." He moaned. "It's a frantic unicorn saying 'shush'."

"Listen."

"What? I can't hear a thing."

"Spike, I've developed a keen aural reflex from all the antics I've had to endure. One snap of a twig and my horn's on standby."

"And who's gonna be snapping twigs round here?"

"It could be haunted. The building's haunted! Unless they've got mice."

"You mean... zombie mice?!?"

"Keep your ears peeled. You should hear what I mean." She focused on her hearing. "It's in the wardrobe!"

"It's a seagull!" Rainbow Dash remarked.

"In the wardrobe?!?"

"Nah, it's scratching." She answered. "It just sounds like it's in the wardrobe."

"Sure." Twilight snarked. "It can throw its voice into the wardrobe."

"For Celestia's sake, go to sleep." Rainbow moaned.

"Once I've made an investigation." Twilight swung her legs over the side of her bed. Rainbow Dash all but leapt off hers.

"I'll do it! I'll do it." She opened the door ajar, took a quick peek and shut it. "There ya are, nothing unusual."

"You call that investigating?!?" Twilight was incredulous.

"Okay, I tell you what." Rainbow suggested. "Let's all go for a walk along the front. The air'll help us sleep."

"What are you trying to hide?" Twilight probed as she nudged her out of the way.

"Doesn't look like much from here." Spike commented. Twilight levitated an item of luggage out of the wardrobe.

"They've got inside your box." She mentioned.

"Don't bother them, then." Rainbow took it in her teeth and set it on her bed. "Fluttershy's never gonna let it down if she learns we just turned some innocent little creature out into the cold." Twilight now forcefully opened it up.

"You don't want mice running around in your personal belongings." Twilight told her, just as she noticed something. "It's Tank! She's brought her bally tortoise!"

"You can't take 'er anywhere, can yer." Spike snorted.

"You'll have to take him outside." Twilight lectured.

"No way!" She returned. "It's much too cold; he'd get ammonia."

"It's pneumonia." Twilight corrected. "And he won't. Reptiles don't catch pneumonia."

"What about during your first Winter Wrap-Up?" Spike reminded her.

"Okay, so dragons can catch cold but they still aren't susceptible to pneumonia."

"Pneumonia or no, I'm not taking him out in this cold." Rainbow insisted.

End

I may write a continuation of this depending on the responses I get.

The Great Race

Princess Luna sat upon her throne. She had just been performing astral projection and found, not only that nopony had issues manifesting in their dreams at this time, but there was also a lack of interesting material in the few ponies who were dreaming. She sighed as she considered that there was probably another three or four hours before it was worth another try. One possibility open to her was to sleep herself; alicorns had little need of sleep and could turn it on and off like a pony flicking a light switch. Night court was always slow-paced, past and present. She was just about to shut down her fully conscious state when the doors to the throne room burst open and a familiar brightly-coloured earth pony cantered in.

"Miss Pinkie Pie!" Luna identified. "It is most unorthodox of you to be here, especially in the middle of the night." The poor mortal seemed to be exhausted. "Wouldst thou like to be seated and refresh thyself with any of our beverages?"

"I... have... no... idea... what you... just said." Pinkie panted. She planted her hindquarters on the floor anyway and took a deep breath through her nose until she was settled. "I've come to warn you of the gravest news." Luna stood up and locked her eyes with Pinkie Pie.

"Hast thou learned of a plan to invade our kingdom?" She asked. "Is there evidence of Discord escaping? Is Ponyville being attacked by a denizen of the Everfree?!?"

"It's bad news for you and you alone." She answered. "There's a crowd of ponies heading this way and they don't look pleased in the slightest."

"What do you know of them, Miss Pie?"

"They're from Manehatten."

"That's nearly thirty miles away."

"They're members of the EDL." Luna gave her a look of bewilderment. "The Equestrian Defence League. They want you, Princess."

"Is this another group of paranoid ponies who see me as the disguise of Nightmare Moon?"

"They used to be. Now they're concerned with the side-effects of your whole 'night eternal' episode."

"Side-effects? They wish for the Everfree Forest to be destroyed?"

"Nope. Apparently, when you succumbed to the nightmare, you left two half-eaten quorn sausages on a plate in the royal dining room at the old castle."

"Did I?" Luna's memories were still rather sketchy about the year of her fall.

"You know what happened to those sausages left unattended for a thousand years?"

"I would suppose they got covered in mould."

"Your sausages now occupy seven-eighths of the old castle. Also you left 650 bits in your bank account; thanks to compound interest you now own ninety percent of all of Equestria's wealth and because it's been left untouched for a thousand years nopony's got any money except for you and Celestia." Luna wondered how this was.

"Why Celestia?" She checked.

"You left the light on in the bathroom. There's a final demand in their hoofs for 180 billion bits."

"A hundred and eighty billion bits!?!" Luna almost slipped into the Royal Canterlot Voice. "Surely you jest!"

"April Foal!" Pinkie Pie declared with a Groucho mask on.

"My dearest Pinkie Pie it is not April."

"I know that, Princess. But I only came up with this gag yesterday and I couldn't hold it off so long."

"Pinkie Pie, though your joking nature has brought welcome relief from the monotony of Night Court I should point out that this court is held for urgent news, legal proceedings and petition backlogs." She stepped down to be on the same level with the crazy pink pony. "If you take it upon yourself to visit us in this court again for such trivialities, then we shall have no choice but to commence discipline." Though her vocal tone was serious she gave Pinkie a wry smile and a discreet wink. Pinkie Pie spoke every language of wit and humour so smiled back and said, half-seriously.

"Understood, Princess. Rest assured you won't catch me pulling pranks in your court again." With that she left. Luna smiled at her informality.

Though it was just a joke Pinkie Pie's words set cogs turning in Princess Luna's head. She had been away for a thousand years and she didn't know if Celestia had made any changes to her bank account in that time. She resolved to look at her records once night time was over.

Luna was reluctant to procrastinate on the subject of her finances just because her sister had taken to their having their morning and evening meals together whenever possible, so she made the decision to reveal everything at breakfast. While it was technically supper for her the terminology remained diurnal for the convenience of the staff and servants.

"Oh!" Celestia exclaimed once Luna had finished her spiel. "I'm so sorry, Luna. I completely forgot about that. No matter; I shall seek to enlighten you as to your bank balance." Luna held up a hoof.

"My dear sister," She announced, "Don't trouble yourself so. I shall uncover all I can by my own skills."

"At least let me make an appointment for you to discuss the transactions with the Master of Accounts." Celestia looked almost pleading to be of aid.

"As you wish."

"How Much?!?" Princess Luna yelled in astonishment, forcing the Master of Accounts into the wall with the force of her voice.

"I...I...I repeat, your majesty." He stuttered. "Ten thousand trillion, seventy-two thousand nine hundred and eighty-four billion, seven hundred and fifty-seven thousand nine hundred and fifty million bits. That's starting with six bits and eight reins with five percent interest accumulated for a thousand years."

"But surely the interest rate would vary over time. Let me see the records for myself." He handed over the massive file, one of only two of its scale, and Princess Luna brought out a writing implement with a notepad and an abacus and immediately began to revise the enormous accounting details.

The Master of Accounts waited patiently; he was sorely tempted to get himself a coffee during this time but did not want to risk interrupting the Princess. After a long and complex calculation Princess Luna came to a conclusion.

"Your calculations are most commendable." She announced. "Accounting for changes in interest rates I would say that you've left me with just twenty thousand bits too many." He stared at her upon mentioning this. "Therefore I suppose the only option is for me to withdraw the 20,000 and give it away. As to what's left I shall have to make consultations."

"How would your majesty like it?" The cashier asked once Princess Luna presented her with the cheque.

"I would request incremental divisions." She answered, promptly listing off various halves until the result would surely be zero.

"I...I...I'm..." Luna could clearly see that the cashier was flustered, fearing for her very soul.

"Fear not, noble citizen." She interrupted. "I still have many topics of modern Equestria to study. Please explain what denominations are available for my withdrawal." The cashier let out a relieved sigh and recited.

"If your highness is willing to wait I shall list them from smallest to highest." She took a deep breath before reciting. "The one anno coin, the eight anno coin, the one rein coin, the eight rein coin, the one bit coin, the ten bit coin, the hundred bit note and the thousand bit note."

"Very well." Luna conceded. "I shall have seventeen thousand bit notes, twenty-three hundred bit notes, sixty-four ten bit coins, thirty one bit coins, fourteen eight rein coins, three hundred and twenty one rein coins, a hundred and ninety eight anno coins and sixteen one anno coins." The cashier stared gobsmacked for a moment before answering.

"As you wish, m'am." She stood up. "This may take a while."

Princess Luna watched impassively as the request was passed through. First came the eight rein coins, then the annos, then the thousand bit notes, then the hundred bit notes, then the bits, then the ten bits coins, then the eight anno coins, and then came the reins. All laid out upon the counter, the notes in bundles and the coins in pouches. Swiftly Luna summoned a pair of saddlebags and packed the takings into one of the satchels.

"That's got to be the most interesting anecdote I've heard all day." Celestia quipped when her sister had finished recounting the events.

"If our visit to the bank is the most interesting thing you've heard, then what hast our subjects been beseeching you for?"

"The usual stuff. Offers to hold shares in their businesses, patronage of their businesses, neighbourhood disputes, complaints about taxation."

"Taxation? Of course! With the funds that are at our disposal Equestria can receive a tax cut." Celestia held up a hoof.

"You are at liberty to provide tax rebates, but those rates are there for a reason. The Value Added Tax is highly variable because I hold great concern in how competitive business could result in the smaller names being kicked out by the finanical power of the more profitable ones. They're there to prevent corporations from forming."

"You use taxation to counter corporatocracy? Why? You could've just implemented legislation that says how big a business can form."

"And risk a public outcry? No, Luna. I like to see success in some businesses but wish for it to be done harmoniously. On the other hand, with some negociation, the income tax could be cut or you could finance the entire state pension scheme if you wish. But, for now, what do you intend to do with 20,000 bits?"

"A race?" Applejack double-checked.

"That's what she said." Twilight answered as she looked over the letter again. "There's to be a race from Ponyville to Canterlot. Entrants must apply to the palace by mail. Use of magic and flight are strictly forbidden. First to cross the finish line shall receive a prize of 10,000 bits, with all subsequent ponies who actually complete the race receiving a prize half that of the one who crosses before them."

"Wha' the hay does tha' mean?" Applejack looked at her in a bewildered fashion.

"I suppose second place gets 5,000 bits, third place gets 2,500 bits and so on." Twilight answered.

"Just show me the application form!" Rainbow Dash declared.

"An' wha' are yer gonna do wi' ten thousand bits?" Applejack asked incredulously.

"I'm not racing for the money." Rainbow answered. "It's the honour, the glory. When I win those bits are gonna be shared out around Ponyville."

"Rainbow," Twilight debated, "There are officially 650 residents in Ponyville; that would mean a share-out of fifteen bits, six and five. Would you really consider that a worthwhile split?"

"I don't mind as long as I can bask in the victory." Rainbow Dash shrugged. "And, in money terms, it would mean that everypony's a winner."

"Well, yer no' gonna ge' a walk-in-the-park." Applejack remarked. "Coz Ah'm gonna apply t'this race. Ah'm still investin' in ge'in' Granny Smith a hip-replacemen' an' ten thousand bits ain't gonna go a miss; Ah might even hit mah target with'at."

"Well, why don't we all enter?" Rarity suggested. "Each of us has a reasonable chance and, be it fame or fortune, the outcome should be favourable however it occurs."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Twilight acknowledged as she sought to acquire six entry forms.

"Are your plans for the race holding up?" Celestia asked at supper.

"Very much so." Luna answered. "There have been fifty-three entrants and I've managed to narrow it down to fifteen prospective ponies. We've got Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkamena Diane Pie, Rarity, Derpy Doo, Lyra Heartstrings, Caramel, Berry Punch, Rose, Golden Harvest, Junebug, Vinyl Scratch and Matilda." Celestia had her eyebrow cocked since Luna mentioned Twilight.

"I'm not too surprised that Twilight and her friends decided to enter." She stated. "However this will require comprehensive supervision to ensure nopony cheats."

"I've seen to that!" Luna declared. "The number of guards at our disposal is far in excess of what is necessary, so a proportion of them can provide proficient surveillance."

"Indeed." Celestia acknowledged. "However I fear that having them at the start and finish would be problematic, so I shall have to request that Twilight be withdrawn from the race so she can provide a less formal kind of supervision and also keep tabs on the progress of the race." Luna wasn't too cheery about this but took it in her stride.

"Very well." She sighed.

The day of the race arrived. A banner had been set up for the starting line and everypony was lining up for the race. Twilight gave words of encouragement to her friends just as Spike turned up with a trilby on his head, a pencil tucked in it and carrying a blackboard with all their names on it.

"What have you got there, Spike?!?" Twilight asked in bewilderment.

"You know how important hoards are to dragons?" He checked. "Well, I think I've found a way to develop a small one that won't send me overboard again. I'm making up a book on the race and there's heavy bets on who's gonna finish when." Twilight sighed at this and hoped his deduction was right.

"Well, you can stratch me off the list." She said. "Princess Celestia has asked me to be an umpire for the race."

"That's messed up the odds," He replied, "'Cause I've got you down as fifty to one both ways." He grabbed a piece of chalk to write the current odds on the board. "Twilight Sparkle: Non-runner." He chalked out 'N.R.' on the board.

"And what about the rest of us?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Let's see." He answered. "Applejack; experienced mare, despite weight although it's mostly muscle, could stay the field, even money: Favourite." He chalked up 'F/F' on the board. "Fluttershy; filly, last time out was Pinkie's last party." She curled up in embarrassment. "Fell at the sixth fruit cup: Five to one. Pinkie Pie; cavities in the teeth, broken wind." They all gave him a disgusted look at the lack of tact. "Weight and mentality go against this runner: Fifty to one. Rainbow Dash; young pony, enjoys her oats but won't pass a filly."

"Just you wait and see!" She interrupted.

"But always a good finisher: Ten to one."

"And what about me?" Rarity asked, battering her eyelashes.

"I've got you down as a good each-way bet." He answered.

"Oh, well fair enough." She seemed a touch flattered. Just then a pegasus chariot soared overhead, circling in a fashion that suggested it was about to land. When it did both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna vacated the transport.

"Hello." Spike murmured. "Looks like we're on starters' orders."

"My little ponies," Celestia announced, "I'd like to extend a warm welcome to all for the great race orchestrated by my dear sister, competitors and spectators alike. However, before we begin this race I have some rather bad news; aside from Luna and myself the only other judge is Blueblood." Rarity's face took on an appearance of disgusted shock. "This may have a small effect but disqualification requires a unanimous decision." With that the two of them went to wish luck upon all the competitors before Celestia guided Twilight to the hot air balloon, whispering a few guidelines for refereeing.

"EVERYPONY." Luna declared as she stood at the starting line, making use of the Royal Canterlot Voice for the announcement. "READY. GET SET. GO!" With that fifty-six hooves pounded the dirt road as they began the race. Once the dust had settled Luna returned to the chariot where Celestia was waiting. Twilight had already taken off with another pony, who was relaying race information back to Spike. Before he could get any updates, however, he spotted Rose stumbling before she even left Ponyville proper.

"Looks like Rose is out of it!" He announced.

After a few minutes he espied his aide's semaphore signals from the balloon.

"It's Applejack versus Rainbow Dash for pole position!" He cried out. "What's this? Applejack a hundred and one for first place!" He amended his blackboard.

The race was abuzz with activity. In the earlier stages Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Lyra competed against each other more than anypony else until Lyra was left behind when she began to feel the strain of long-distance running. As the race began to ascend the road to Canterlot Matilda dropped out, having been in second-to-last place for most of the way.

It was a fierce competition. When the racing ponies came into view of the sentries on the fringes of Canterlot there was a curious development. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had managed to stay at the front of the pack but were now joined by Rarity of all ponies and Caramel was rapidly gaining on them. As they entered the city Rainbow Dash stumbled something awful and looked like she was going to cartwheel over the cliff edge when Applejack intercepted and caught her on her back. With that she carried on to the finish line until she came into line with Rarity when there was only six yards to go.

"It's a photo finish!" An announcer cried out. "Was it Rarity or Applejack?"

"Oh, Rainbow darling!" Rarity cried out. "Whatever happened?" The pegasus groaned as she got back onto her hooves.

"I guess I got carried away when I saw the finish line." She admitted. "I forgot the final leg would be on paving and caught a hoof in the cobbles. If Applejack hadn't intervened I may not even have been able to fly out of that drop."

"Oh my. Applejack, I know I've called you uncouth and slovenly in the past but today you've shown just how noble you are." She turned to the judges. "Princess Celestia, in light of Applejack's heroism I wish to forfeit my position and have Applejack declared the winner."

"Hold it right there, sug. Fer a high-class pony yer sure gave it yer all and got to first place. Therefore Ah'd say that yer the one who deserves first place, Ah'll be quite content with second."

"Heh, if you're gonna be so noble then I'm forfeiting my position in the race." Rainbow Dash declared. "Seeing as how I was carried for the final leg."

"Now wait right there!" Blueblood interrupted. "In a photo finish it's not for some common racers to decide who's won; that decision sits with me." He had stood up behind the table upon which sat a selection of trophies and medals along with a tea set and a cake.

"Oh, if that's how it is." Rarity returned. "Perhaps we can help you. Applejack, are you free?"

"Ah sure am." She noticed the glint in her eye.

"Follow me." They trotted round the back of the table with Applejack picking up a bowl of sugar and Rarity levitating a jug of milk up. Standing behind Blueblood on either side they carefully timed their actions so they poured the milk and sugar simultaneously over his head as he sat there, believing his authority to be a trump card against this.

"You're disqualified." He droaned in his affected accent. "Both of you. Guards, take them into custody."

"Delay that." Celestia quickly interjected, raising her hoof. "And they are not disqualified; it does require all the judges to agree on the subject. Besides," She grinned, "I always wanted to do that." She levitated the cake. "Have some cake." She then dropped it right on top of him.

"And since you were so keen on having these two most noble of ponies in custody..." Luna added as another jug materialised over Blueblood's head, which emptied its contents of custard all over him. In utter shock the toffee-nosed stallion slowly turned and walked away. "Since the third judge appears to be indisposed I would guess that it falls to Celestia and I to determine the outcome of this race." The two of them whispered to each other.

"My little ponies," Celestia announced, "In view of the close-run finale of the race between Applejack and Rarity, coupled with Applejack's noble act of heroism, we've decided to declare first place a tie." With beaming smiles the two ponies in question bowed in gratitude. Twilight now came up to the Princesses. "Ah, my faithful student. How has the race progressed?"

"Well, Princess," She answered, "Of the fourteen competitors eight have reached the finish line, two gave up on the first furlong, three gave up en route and one..." She checked her notes, "Is on her way to Armadillo?"

On the road leading off into the Eastern desert, bypassing Canterlot, a single pegasus ran at a steady pace.

"This is so much fun!" Derpy shouted to the surrounding landscape.

"One thing we don't understand, sister." Luna commented during Pinkie's Great-Race Party. "How could our account's interest rate have remained five percent per annum for a thousand years?"

"It couldn't." Celestia answered. "But the variations all added up to an equivalent of five percent." Luna gave a nod. Just then the door to the ballroom opened and two pegasus guards entered with a grey pegasus between them. "Thanks for finding her. Dismissed." Derpy looked uneasy and charistically confused. "Apologies for the rough manner of your escort, but if you had been left to continue you may have collapsed in the middle of the desert. Now, will all racers assemble for the prize-giving." All fourteen assembled.

"To Rairty and Appejack," Luna announced, "Five thousand bits." She handed over to large pouches. "To Caramel, two thousand, five hundred bits. To Pinkie Pie, one thousand, two hundred and fifty bits. To Vinyl Scratch, six hundred and twenty-five bits. To Golden Harvest, three hundred and twelve bits, eight. To Fluttershy, one hundred and fifty-six bits, four. To Rainbow Dash, seventy-eight bits, two. To Berry Punch, Matilda and Lyra, thirty-nine bits, one rein each. To Derpy, nineteen bits, eight and sixteen. Finally, to Junebug and Rose, nine bits, twelve and eight." With all those handed out, Celestia turned to Twilight.

"In light of your role as an umpire excluding you from the race," She said, "I hereby grant you ten bits for services rendered."

"Oh, Princess!" Twilight replied, giving a bow. "I couldn't possibly..."

"Please, Twilight." Celestia cut her off. "Everypony says stuff like that. For once, I'd like to hear you state your opinion without buttering up any."

"It's true, though." She answered. "I really was honoured that you'd select me as an umpire."

"And I'd be honoured if you'd let me actually tip you for it." Celestia set the bits at Twilight's hooves. With those accepted she gave a pre-planned gesture towards Luna, whereupon they both stood in a position that told everypony that there was more to come.

"In light of our current finanical state," Luna announced, "We have agreed to revise the tax system. From now on anypony who earns less than ten thousand bits a year shalt be exempt from taxation, the income tax band shall be changed to a one percent to ten percent means-tested system. National Insurance shall be set to three percent and will only be paid by those who earn more than forty thousand bits a year and VAT rates, while unchanged, shall be lifted off all foods unless they are purchased for consumption on the commercial premises where they were bought, along with all clothing that has no gemstones in their production." A few more upgrades were listed as they went, resulting in an ecstatic cheer from the assembled mass.

Author's Note

The monetary system used in this story is my earlier assumption, but it's not really my favourite.

A Royal Dinner

Author's Note

I didn't think I'd be using Wonderbolts Academy in my fanfics, but the concept of this was too good.

A Royal Dinner

"All right!" Spitfire commanded. "Let's be having you! Come on! Quickly! You couldn't outrun treacle in a relay race!" The Wonderbolt cadets fell-in. "Squad! Wait for it! Squad... SHUN! Stand at ease! AttenSHUN! Stand at ease!" Spitfire strolled along the ranks. "Now, listen up. I've been invited to a private dinner with Princess Celestia herself. There's an extra seat available and She's requested that one of you should come." The cadets looked at each other in that characteristic way of recuits wanting to talk about something but can't. "For the next week there'll be intensive training; whoever makes the grade shall be the one to join me. However, judging by your usual standard, I'll be hard put to find anypony worth even going within a hundred yards of the Princess!" With that she began the standard drill.

After about two hours the cadets returned to their barracks, many focused on doing their utter best to impress their OC. However Rainbow Dash didn't think much of it, partly due to having been in Celestia's presence a fair number of times before but mostly because the kinds of dinners the Princess ended up attending were extremely formal. As such she basically carried on like any other day in training.

"If she's gonna be harder than usual for this," One cadet remarked, "We'll be meeting the Princess anyway, but not at the dinner table." Just then their corporal entered.

"Stand by your beds!" She shouted. "You've all got one hour to get this billet in shape and all your kit laid out. I want that floor SPARKLING, SPARKLING, SPARKLING!"

"YES, CORPORAL." They announced in unison. As soon as she stepped out they set to work; unfortunately they prioritised getting their own charpoys sorted out and their kit lined up. Only Rainbow Dash started with scrubbing and polishing the room.

Once the hour had passed their corporal returned with the drill sergeant and they began to check over each and every bed-space. One was chewed out for having a dusty locker, another got their standard-issue drinking vessel smashed because of coffee stains, yet another was made to do fifty press-ups for a poorly-made bed-box.

"ALL RIGHT!" The sergeant shouted. "I'LL ONLY SAY THIS ONCE. I'VE SEEN LAVATORIES WITH BETTER SANITATION THAN THIS! Anyhow, During PARADE ONE OF YOU WILL BE TASKED WITH PERFORMING DRILLS FOR THE WHOLE SECTION. YOU'LL FIND JUST HOW MUCH EFFORT I HAVE TO EXPEND SIMPLY FROM DEALING WITH ALL YOU LAYABOUTS!"

Only two days passed before Rainbow Dash found herself thrown into the position of duty recruit. She stood in front of every pony she shared a billet with and prepared herself to be a real hard-hat as per orders.

"Squad! SQUAD! ATTEN-SHUN!!!" She bawled with as much effort as she could muster. "On the command this squad shall commence flight in close formation! SQUAD, BY THE LEFT, FLY!!!" She performed a vertical take-off to keep herself level with them. "Flap! Flap! Flap! LEFT WHEEL!" In this way she moved them all around the parade ground's airspace. "PREPARE TO LAND! TOUCH-DOWN!!! PRESENT... WINGS!!!" She turned and saluted Spitfire.

"Not bad for a first time." She snarked. "Now, let's see you get them back to the beginning." Rainbow Dash wasn't too sure what this meant but just said.

"Yes ma'am." And turned back to the squad. "ORDER... WINGS! STAND AT... EASE!"

"FALL IN, RECRUIT!" Spitfire snapped the moment they were all at ease.

The remaining five days were most intensive as promised. On the last day each and every one was seen by Spitfire in her office until Rainbow Dash was the only one left; half of those who were already seen walked by her with dejected looks, making it obvious what the decision was with them, while the other half departed through a door too far away for her to spot their expressions. Finally Rainbow was called in.

"Private Dash reporting, ma'am." She declared upon the threshold.

"Please enter and take a seat." Spitfire replied, strangely un-militant in her demeanour. "I don't rightly know how to put this, but..."

"Permission to speak, ma'am!" Spitfire gestured for her to go ahead. "I don't see why my commander should worry so about how I'll take bad news. If I didn't make the grade, fair enough. Truth is I haven't tried any harder this past week than before." Spitfire paused with a look of bewilderment before continuing.

"I don't really know what to make of you, Dash. However it's too late to change our minds, so from 16:00 today you have 24 hours leave to prepare, after which you are to report to the Canterlot Aerodrome by 16:30 sharp." Now it was Rainbow Dash's turn to look stunned.

"Ma'am, you don't mean..."

"Yes." Spitfire hoofed over a silver-lined note. "You are to accompany Lieutenant Soarin' and myself to Princess Celestia's dinner." Rainbow Dash stared between her and the confirmation note.

"I... I don't know what to say." Now it had happened Rainbow couldn't be sure if she was thrilled, honoured or in a state of anti-climax.

"Yeah, we get that a lot. Dismissed!" With that Rainbow Dash departed.

When 4 o'clock rolled around Rainbow Dash took this opportunity to properly read the note.

Pegasus of the Wonderbolt Academy, It said, You have been judged as the one recruit worthy of the honour of direct interaction with Her Most Glorious Majesty, Goddess of the Sun, Empress of Equestria, Dictator of Burroland, Queen of Woolweria, Divine Princess Celestia. Rainbow Dash's eyebrows raised at this as the mediocrity of the title 'Princess' now fell into place. Please attend the Canterlot Aerodrome at 4:30pm 16th Solari Year 3 T.A. Black tie. Signed, Captain Spitfire and Quill Pen. Rainbow Dash was unsure as to who Quill Pen was but one thing really stopped her from taking off promptly. "Black tie?" She mused out loud. "Hmm, Ponyville here I come!"

"Hey girls!" Rainbow Dash announced her arrival.

"Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie Pie cried out and leapt into the air, tackling her to the ground with a major roughing of the feathers. "What happened? Are you on leave? Is this some kinda field training? *gasp* They didn't discharge you, did they?!?"

"Pinkie," Twilight interjected, "Calm down. Let Rainbow Dash explain everything in her own time." Standing up Rainbow looked each and every one of her friends in the eye before speaking.

"Well, I guess I need some sprucin' up or something. By the way, Rarity, d'ya think you've got enough time for a black tie? I need it tomorrow." Rarity gasped.

"Why, Rainbow Dash, are you attending a funeral?!?" Rainbow cocked an eyebrow and replied.

"Not really, it's just I've been selected to attend a fancy do and this invite or whatever it is says I need a black tie." Rarity sighed in relief.

"Darling, when they say 'black tie' on an invitation they mean you should wear proper dining attire, like a dinner jacket or the like." Rainbow looked crestfallen.

"That's torn it. I haven't got anything like that and I have to be in Canterlot by half-past four tomorrow." Twilight immediately grabbed the invite and read it over.

"Wow. You're going from strength to strength, Rainbow Dash." She commented. "But don't worry; I'm sure we can each provide you with something that, when combined, will give you the right kind of appearance."

"Yeah, but even if I can wear mufti like that I'm still in at the deep-end." Dash remarked. "After all they use all these different knives, forks and spoons and I've hardly ever used even one fork."

"No worries, darling." Rarity declared. "We'll stage a dinner this very evening and you can rehearse all you need to for such a high class soirée."

That evening Rainbow Dash found herself standing outside a barn, inside of which a candlelit table was laid out in superficial finery, cheap tacky material that could only resemble high-class from a distance.

"Okay," Rarity announced as though she was a stage director, "Twilight, you take the role Princess Celestia, Fluttershy you're Spitfire, Spike you're Soarin' and Rainbow Dash, you're here." They took up their positions. "Okay, rehearsal. Oh, Rainbow Dash, don't sit before everyone else." Rainbow Dash sighed.

"See what I mean." She groaned. "This is one area where I'll freely admit I'm a failure." Applejack laughed.

"Don' sweat it, RD." She said. "All ya need is 'nuff practice and y'all be able to move 'n' shake wi'the rest o'em."

"It's quite simple." Rarity added. "Just wait until the host, which may be the Princess or Spitfire invites the others to sit. Twilight, give it a try."

"Okay." She took a deep breath and said. "Please be seated everypony."

"Now, Spitfire sits first, then Soarin', and then the Princess since She gave the instruction, and then yourself." With that each corresponding pony sat down.

"Here we are!" Pinkie Pie announced. "I got some hot soup."

"Soup, that's this spoon, right." Rainbow Dash checked.

"Well, yes." Rarity said hesitantly. "But you're supposed to apply the napkins next." They all did so. "Uh, not around the collar dears." Rainbow Dash was surprised at this.

"I was only doing as Soarin' did." She stated.

"Hey!" Spike protested. "I was following the Princess."

"Well," Twilight replied, "How did I know they weren't worn round the collar?"

"You place the napkin in your lap." Rarity asserted. "And don't worry about who does it first." Applejack and Pinkie Pie now served the soup. "Hold it, dear. Wait for the host." Rainbow Dash groaned.

"You just said I didn't need to." She protested.

"That was for the napkins."

"You know what you need." Pinkie Pie declared. "You've gotta take the first letter of everything you need to remember and make a code word."

"Oh, really, that's not necessary." Rarity remarked. "There's only gonna be four courses. The soup, the main, the dessert and the cheese."

"Fair enough." Pinkie stated. "Just think of 'SuMDuC'." With that the seated ponies decided to commence. Rarity placed a hoof on Rainbow's.

"Don't blow on the soup, dear." She affirmed. "And while we're at it, when you've nearly finished, if you have to tip the bowl don't tip it towards you."

"Okay," Rainbow sighed, "Let's recap. Wait for the sit, don't wait for the napkins, wait to start the soup, don't blow the soup, don't tip the bowl towards you."

"Oh, well." Pinkie Pie remarked. "In that case just think 'WiSDWuNWuSDuBSDuTBY'. Everypony else rolled their eyes.

"Okay," Rarity commented, "Let's go on to the main."

"Announcing Capt. Spitfire and Lt. Soarin'!" A Pegasus guard bawled out as Celestia sat in an ornate chair within an antechamber of the Royal Palace. The two guests entered and made a bow that ran in as regimented a style as any normal military drill.

"Punctual as ever, my little ponies." Celestia greeted them. "Please, don't stand on ceremony, take a seat." They did so, neither daring to fly over no matter how welcoming the cushions. "I've a whole barrel of a most delicious beverage if you're interested."

"If it pleases your highness," Spitfire replied, "We're not expecting our special guest for another twenty minutes, so I'd be most honoured to accept your generous offer." She watched, eyebrows rising as Celestia levitated a flagon over to the barrel in the corner, a foaming brown liquid pouring out as the tap turned. Taking it hesitantly as Celestia poured one for Soarin' Spitfire took a sip and her eyes bugged out and she lifted a hoof to her lips. "Perhaps I'm mistaken," She said, "But this tastes like cider."

"I suppose you're aware as to why that is the case." Celestia teased as Soarin' accepted the flagon offered to him.

"I wouldn't want to presume anything." Spitfire answered.

"It IS cider." Celestia told her. "I thought it would make a change from the standard fare that I typically receive during these functions."

While this was going on Rainbow Dash was being dolled up by Rarity in a small secluded room on the fringes of the palace grounds. Twilight had managed to reserve an outbuilding similar to a summer house on the grounds that Rarity was preparing a new line of ensembles and wished to try them out on the ponies of Canterlot, which was partly true... they were basically killing two birds with one stone (despite Fluttershy's objections to that idiom).

"You'd best get going, Rainbow." Twilight remarked. "Any more dithering and you'll be tardy."

"Yeah, yeah." Rainbow groaned as she fiddled with a pinafore that Rarity had insisted on. "I'm not entirely sure I can go through with this."

"C'm'on, RD." Applejack replied. "It's t' top-rankin' wonderbolts. Asides which ya already now t' Princess as we all do." Rainbow Dash took a deep breath and said.

"Okay, wish me luck." With that she flew off at a surprisingly leisurely rate for her. As she made her way Celestia was very shrewdly loosening up her current guests, doing her best to dissolve the formality and let them be themselves. When Soarin' managed to summon up the courage to pour himself a fifth mug of cider a guard whispered in Celestia's ear, to whom she gave a nod and returned a whisper before turning to the others.

"It appears our long lost guest has arrived." She said, prompting Spitfire to glance at the clock.

"Quite punctual." She remarked. "Only twelve seconds after half past." Rainbow Dash entered and gave a fairly quick bow to Celestia before saluting the other two.

"Now, this is a civilian setting," Celestia told Rainbow, "So for the time being rank will be ignored." Dash breathed a sigh of relief and settled onto an offered seat. "My dear Rainbow Dash, in spite of all the time I've known you as a close friend of Twilight's I've never known of any nickname given unto you."

"Oh." Rainbow Dash was taken aback. "Well, Applejack's always called me 'RD', princess." Celestia made a half-giggle at this.

"Her family is rather inclined towards brief sentences. And you're more than welcome to address me as simply 'Celestia'. Oh, Spitfire, RD's not had a drink yet." Spitfire'd been gobsmacked by the exchange between the wonderbolt recruit and the supreme ruler of all Equestria but this last line took her slightly off kilter.

"Oh, I'm sorry, err... RD. Soarin', get RD a mug while you're at it." With that Soarin' grabbed another mug while drinking out of his own.

"Here you are, young mare." He said while balancing the second mug on his hoof, having set his own down now it was empty. Rainbow Dash reached over to accept it gratefully.

"Oh, what happened to your sleeve?" Spitfire asked with a slight smirk for there was nothing between the cuff and the shoulder. Rainbow's expression fell as she removed the cardboard cuff.

"I'm sorry, m'am, I've let you down." She took a breath and explained. "I didn't have anything properly black tie and my friend, Rarity, she didn't have the time to make a full suit so we settled for these false cuffs and what she called a 'dickie'." Celestia stifled a giggle before saying.

"That's quite an amusing anecdote." This prompted Spitfire and Soarin' to join in the tittering. "It so happens that one of the parlour maids did a similar sort of thing one night when I invited her to a small gathering to express gratitude to her extensive service. I've still got the outfit." She levitated an improvised dinner jacket, which looked as though Bud Flanagan had got his wardrobe mixed up with that of Errol Flynn. Rainbow Dash roared with laughter as Celestia built her giggle up into a more substantiated laugh.

At that moment a servant turned up and whispered into Celestia's ear. She turned slightly but suddenly as to denote surprise under practised control. "Really?" She inquired, resulting in a nod. "Oh dear. I'm sorry, but the delivery of supplies to the kitchens from Fillydelphia has been severely delayed and a certain young so-called 'aristocrat' decided to celebrate his 'Eighteenth engagement' this morning, so we're practically cleared out."

"Oh." Spitfire was clearly disappointed by this. "Well, I suppose our own cook might be able to get us something if your highness is willing to send a messenger." Celestia smiled and gestured in such a way as to indicate it was a good idea. Unfortunately, after about fifteen minutes, the messenger returned with the reply telling Soarin' in particular where he could stick his dinner.

"A most unfortunate situation." Celestia mused out loud.

"I can't believe somepony was willing to flip-off an opportunity to cook for the Princess!" Dash cried out. Celestia, not willing to fuel the zeal of Rainbow's patriotism, went to another guard and asked about prospective cooks in the palace.

"I believe, your majesty," He answered, "That your student has a few ponies on the campus at this time. I have heard much about the culinary prowess of at least one of these mares." Celestia picked up on what he was getting at.

"What kind of thing could they provide at such short notice?" She asked in general, angling for a positive reply.

"Well, with Pinkie's help especially, Applejack could knock together a vegetable stew and apple pie." Spitfire did not look happy; she looked as though Rainbow had suggested cutting Celestia's heart out, as in something that was inconceivably treacherous and arguably impossible.

"Guard, please find Twilight and ask her if she and Applejack, and indeed any more of her friends, might be willing to cater for us at such short notice." Spitfire did a double-take when Celestia said this.

"Beg your pardon, princess," She said as the guard left, "But I think I may have had a little too much cider as I seem to be hearing things. It sounded like our young recruit here suggested serving you simple country cooking and you actually appeared to agree." Celestia took a breath to stop herself from giggling at this and answered.

"No, you heard correctly, Miss Spitfire. After all there is an old sailor's adage that says 'Any port in a storm' and, from what I've heard and experienced, this particular port has a seafront filled with inns and the like."

"To be honest, pri... Celestia," Dash spoke up, "AJ's stew tastes best out of Trottingham bowls."

"What a good idea, RD." She replied. "It would surely save washing up. In fact, perhaps we should move this little gathering a bit nearer the kitchens."

When they arrived in the chosen dining area the palace staff had hurriedly arranged a dining set in keeping with the typical royal dining room, though the hurrying meant that a few noticeable mistakes had occurred. Unfortunately Soarin' had had a few mugs of cider too many.

"Hey." He moaned. "I remember when my old dad, the night before he left to join the royal guard, when my mum had done the table up like this as a last celebratory dinner, he stood at the head, about here..." He positioned himself roughly at the head of the table, "And he said 'stew and treacle pud and to Tartarus with all this fancy nonsense'. He then took the end of the tablecloth," He continued to demonstrate, "And with one tug pulled it off with everything left standin'." He did so and all cutlery, crockery and glassware went flying.

"Soarin'!" Spitfire complained. "What did I say about heavy drinking?!?" Rainbow looked nonplussed.

"Was that Trottingham ware?" She asked hesitantly, to which Celestia nodded and Dash groaned. "I guess there's always our mess tins." She suggested.

"What a good idea." Celestia remarked in a tone that suggested some surprise and yet didn't at the same time. "No doubt about it, Miss Spitfire, this young mare's got keen resourcefulness and fine-tuned bravery. She's a keeper."

Celestia's Apprentice

Twilight Sparkle checked over her checklist to ensure that her picnic supplies were all prepared. After the fiasco with the whole 'friendship report' thing she didn't get to actually enjoy the picnic at the time, but now she was going to let it take top priority.

"Cakes, check." She thought out loud. "Plates, check. Spoons, check. Wipes, check. Sandwiches, check."

"Enough for one more guest?" Twilight was about to respond when she realised whose voice it was speaking calmly over her shoulder. She spun round and let the checklist fall to the floor.

"Princess Celestia!" She cried out, instinctively bowing. "Please forgive the state of my quarters, I wasn't expecting you."

"No worries, Twilight. This is a surprise visit after all." Twilight stood up and looked at her quizzingly.

"To what do I owe this?" She asked.

"I just wanted some time to get away from it all." Celestia answered. "Even a Princess has to take some time off, doesn't she?"

"I suppose so." Twilight answered and then thought about what it was her mentor had said when she arrived. "Well, if you'd like to join us for a picnic, I'm sure we can accommodate one more pony."

"I'd like that very much, Twilight. What of Spike?"

"Don't mind him. He actually requested to stay and look after the library. Between you and me, I thnk it's both the lack of gemstones and he's trying to do something for Rarity's birthday, so he doesn't want to give anything away in front of her."

"These anecdotes prove my point." Twilight looked at the Princess in puzzlement again. "You don't hear much about the day-to-day lives of ordinary ponies in the palace."

"I will say this." Twilight started leading the Princess to the front door. "All my friends will be most surprised to see you."

"You don't say." Celestia didn't speak loud enough for Twilight to hear as she smiled in anticipation.

"Why Princess Celestia!" Applejack declared as she saw her come up over the small hill behind Twilight. "What brings you 'ere to our humble town?" In response to her outburst the other four turned and immediately bowed after her.

"Don't sell yourself short, Applejack." Celestia answered. "Ponyville may be a fairly small and young town but a lot more has happened here than in all the history of Canterlot. Besides all of you, as the bearers of the Elements of Harmony are de jure members of the Royal Court." Rarity's eyes bugged out.

"Princess," She declared, "You decree that *we* are now members of your court?!?"

"Like I said, 'de jure'." Came the reply. "I don't expect any of you to attend the most regular meetings nor do I expect nor desire that you should have to follow the de facto etiquette of the court; of course during the most significant of meetings I may send you notification for attendance."

"So," Applejack ventured, "What might we do for yer highness?"

"Oooh." Pinkie Pie blurted out. "I know, I know! You want to join us for the picnic, didn't you." She kept bouncing up almost right into the bridge of Celestia's muzzle.

"Indeed I do. I hope you can find room for a little one."

"We definitely have room for a little one," Pinkie replied, "But I think we can squeeze you in."

"PINKIE!!!" Rarity cried out in shock. Celestia just giggled.

"Pinkie Pie," She commented, "Do you know how long it's been since anypony made such a pun to my face?" Pinkie started mumbling and looking between her forehoofs.

"Three hundred and forty years?" She guessed.

"Nine hundred and sixty-three, actually." Everypony's mouths were agape. "But enough about me, let's just enjoy the picnic."

"Simple baking's always the best." Celestia mentioned as the dining wound down.

"Yer highness," Applejack began to ask.

"Don't stand on ceremony." She interjected. "Just 'Celestia' will do for such a time as this."

"Okay, Celestia," Applejack seemed to struggle a bit with the informality, "Yer sayin' yer can' get yer own cooks t' bake some simple recipes?"

"Don't think I haven't tried." The reply came with a look on her face that made Applejack uneasy before it softened into a disarming smile. "Every time there's a new cook or chef in the palace kitchens I request a simple down-to-earth dish but not once have they actually succeeded, always trying to add a 'royal touch' and turning it into some high-class entrée."

"You must have a lot of stories to tell." Pinkie Pie interrupted. "Think you could share any?" Rarity looked at Pinkie Pie with disdain.

"Really, Pinkie," She remarked, "Can't you even let a Princess finish her conversations before sticking your nose in?"

"It's okay, Rarity." Celestia reassured her. "What sort of thing would you like to hear?"

"How long did you tutor Twilight?" Pinkie asked.

"You mean you never asked Twilight herself?" Celestia checked. The unicorn in question became very sheepish. "She started when she was six-and-a-half and had just become an adult in the year she came to Ponyville."

"Nine years as your protegé." Rarity mused out loud.

"And the school she was entering is normally a six-year course." Celestia pointed out.

"Talk about egghead." Rainbow Dash remarked. "So, during Twilight's time with you, were there any interesting occurrences? After all with her kinda magic there must've been a few."

"Plenty." Celestia acknowledged. "Did she ever tell you about the late-night incident in Generic Magical Studies?" They shook their heads in bewilderment.

"Princess," Twilight spoke up with a dread feeling, "Not the one in the last term of my first year?" She nodded in response.

"Will you tell them or shall I?"

"Well," Twilight croaked, "If you start off I might get the courage to pick it up."

"Very well." Celestia smirked. "You see, after her first term Twilight had made great leaps in her magical skills; a rate unseen in any other unicorn. Unfortunately her abilities made her arrogant, very prideful."

"I think I ended up with hubris." Twilight added.

"And it doesn't do anypony, and I mean anypony, to become hubristic. I decided that she needed to understand the importance of humility. One evening I personally ended the school day with a demonstration of illusion magic, but tasked Twilight with fetching water manually to fill the cauldron for the following day's practical."

"It was certainly tiring," Twilight butted in, "And I couldn't fathom why I, Princess Celestia's personal protegé, should have to do menial caretaking. I had only just managed to bring in the first two bucketfuls when I paused to watch Celestia's demonstration."

"Would you like to tell them what it was?"

"Difficult to forget that day." Twilight pointed out. "You were projecting an image of a huge butterfly over your head."

"Oooh," Fluttershy suddenly started, "I'd've liked to have seen that."

"All in good time, my little pony."

"I had just managed to empty the buckets when Celestia finished with a dramatic flash of light."

"This was actually after nightfall, so I had already set the Sun and raised the Moon. With that I dismissed the class and made to turn in; of course Twilight was still meant to fill the cauldron. The thing is I seemed to have left a spellbook lying open on the desk."

"When Celestia had gone up to her bedchamber," Twilight continued, "I saw an opportunity to demonstrate that I was ready to move all the way up to the advanced studies." Her words were strained by her emotions. "I looked through that spellbook and found a come-to-life spell that would make any chosen inanimate object into a mindless servant. I found the perfect subject in the form of a broom; it took about three ties before it worked, although I still had to conjure it a couple of limbs to carry the buckets. Once that was done I demonstrated what it had to do and, once I saw it performing the task with great effeciency I felt really proud, so I took a rest on a teacher's chair and, when I say rest, I actually fell fast asleep." There was a long pause.

"Twilight," Celestia asked, "Is there something else you'd like to add before we get to..."

"Pri... Celestia." Twilight yapped. "This is something I've never shared with anyone, not even Spike. I had a dream that night. A dream that, in hindsight, showed just how far the hubris had gone. I dreamt that I stood on a cliffside by the sea, I manipulated the stars! I dreamt that I could make them twinkle on cue, that I could direct meteors and comets all the way into the ocean. Furthermore I also controlled the waves, making them splash right up to my level. I'm sorry, Rainbow Dash, but I also dreamt of being able to move the clouds and make it thunder and lightning on cue." Twilight covered her hoofs in horror at the memory and in dread at retribution for having such a blasphemous dream.

"Twilight," Celestia reassured her, "What happens in your dreams is never a crime. What's important is that the attitudes and actions of such dreams should never be made real. Can you carry on?"

"I suppose so. Maybe what happened when I woke up could be considered a suitable repayment." Twilight recounted again. "I woke up suddenly when I actually felt a splash on my face. There was a half-inch deep pool of water all over the floor; bewildered I looked around until I saw that the broom just kept pouring more and more water into the now overflowing cauldron. I panicked and attempted to magically control it but it walked right over me. I tried to hold the buckets down but it was actually stronger than I was. I got positively soaked. In desperation I took a fire axe in my teeth and charged the broom, chopping it up into dozens of little pieces."

"And that stopped it in its tracks, right?" Rainbow asked.

"Wrong." Twilight groaned at the memory." I had closed the door on it and was taking a breather when I could hear something on the other side. I took a glance and, to my utter horror, there were now dozens of water-carrying brooms! I tried to keep the door shut with all my weight but they just wouldn't stop. I was now facing who knows how much water being brought in at one time. I first tried bailing out the window but one bucket out against dozens of buckets in just wouldn't work. Before long I was literally struggling to keep my head above water as those brooms just carried on bringing in more and more. I tried to find a spell in the book to make it stop but I had to use it as a floatation device as well."

"What did you find?" Rarity asked, gripped by the tale.

"That a torrent of water can force you into a whirlpool." Twilight answered. "I had floated right under where it was being poured in. I was just about ready to cry out for my mum when..."

"I was roused by a series of loud splashes." Celestia picked up the thread of the story again. "I went to check on the source and, after only six steps down the stair to the classroom, I was greeted by a churning lake. Fortunately I knew exactly how to dispell it. Once everything calmed down I saw, in the middle of the floor, a normal sweeping broom, the spellbook I had left open and a very sorry-looking filly."

"I was both relieved that everything was back to normal," Twilight stated, "And horrified that the Princess of Equestria had seen what a tempest I had unleashed. I felt sure that was enough to be... expelled!"

"But this was just one of two possible outcomes." Celestia pointed out. "The whole thing with carrying the water and leaving the spellbook was a test of character. If Twilight carried on doing the chore manually that would've told me that she was willing to try anything no matter how low and menial it was; the path she chose not only made it clear that she was so prideful but also showed her what can happen when we think we're such high horses. A few chosen words and a spot of supper were all that she needed."

"Must you go now, Celestia?" Pinkie asked. "There's still a few cakes left."

"It's been very refreshing," She answered, "But I still have my duties to attend to. I hope you won't mind me spending some more time with you, though. I'd love to let my hair down more than once a year."

"No worries!" Pinkie answered. "You're the best!"

"I don't think I could miss out on an anecdote from a Princess." Rainbow Dash remarked.

"You really did make our day." Twilight added. "I thought that royalty in a public setting required total perfection, but even a Princess can be as much of a friend as any pony from even the lowest of stations."

"On the nosie, Twilight." Pinkie butted in. "Friendship doesn't care what your station is. A bustling terminus or a run-down halt, the great complex of Canterlot station or the remote stop in Dodge Junction."

"Well, my little ponies," Celestia concluded, "I'll know where to come whenever palace life gets dull and stuffy, won't I. Goodbye for now." With that she began to trot away before taking to the skies and vanishing before their eyes.

"Don't sweat what yer did, sugarcube." Applejack set a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "We all make mistakes at some point in our lives."

"I just hope the Princess didn't waste her best material on the picnic." Rainbow stated.

"Don't worry, Dash." Pinkie chimed. "She's got thousands of years of stories to tell. I'm sure of it."

Maybe, one day, Princess Celestia will add in something more than a story when she hangs out with the heroines of Equestria.

Busted Brothers

A large abomination steadily made its way along the road through open countryside as two unicorns riding it debated their options; what made this wheeled contraption stand out, apart from its size, was the lack of anypony pulling it.

"That's gotta be the eighteenth time we've been turfed out." One of the unicorns moaned. "Why don't we go back to Dodge Junction? We had it made there; everypony was happy with our cider there."

"Because, Flam," The other one said, "The cherry business altered the economic equilibrium, made the imported cider cheaper and we couldn't compete when the orchards started to give way to cherry trees."

"Flim, it seems we can't compete anywhere in Equestria now." Flam argued. "That Apple family's so widespread and so connected that nowhere's not heard of the Ponyville incident."

"That was our thirteenth attempt." Flim remarked. "But this is the big time. So, Fillydelphia and Manehatten flopped what with all those rumours going round but there's no way a family of farming ponies will hold such connections that we couldn't sell our cider in Canterlot."

"You think they'd let us sell our cider? We're hardly upper crust ponies."

"If they turned away every business pony just because they ain't noble elite there'd be hardly any market in Canterlot at all."

Princess Celestia stood in the street with a few guards at her sides staring at the mass that was forming in the marketplace. Curious as to what could make the toffee-nosed ponies of Canterlot behave like Manehattenites when there was any street theatre she stepped forth to find out what all the fuss was about.

"Cider!" A shout rang across the assembled mass. "Fresh cider! Quicker, tastier and more plentiful than any effort ever made before. Cut-price offers thanks to our labour-saving developments. The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000! All this courtesy of..."

"Flim and Flam?!?" That one voice made the excitable ponies stop and stand aside revealing their diurnal sovereign.

"Princess Celestia!" The brothers declared with delight.

"What an honour it is for you to visit our humble cider stall."

"Please, may we offer...?"

"Enough." Her voice was quiet but carried a tone that unsettled the assembled mass. "I'm used to ponies' flattery but yours is ill-founded."

"Beg pardon, your highness?" Flam uneasily asked.

"I have reasonable sources that tell me that your practices are below the standards of our nation. Therefore I feel obliged to decree that your machine will be confiscated and the both of you shall be taken into custody pending trial." Her guards now split to flank both her and the accused.

"M...m...majesty," Flim struggled, "What charges could warranty such an act?"

"Property damage without reimbursement," Celestia recited, "Attempts to force a monopoly in your own favour, disregard for historical inheritance, use of substandard merchandise when facing stiff competition, attempted destitution upon other ponies, fraud, environmental vandalism and low treason." With that the two stallions were led away from the masses.

"How?" Flim moaned as they sat in a holding cell. "How could she have heard anything to give so many charges?"

"You don't suppose...?" Flam suggested.

"No. It couldn't be. The Princess wouldn't have that much interest in farm ponies."

"We'll get out of this, bro. I've sent a couple of letters; one for a washkit and one for a lawyer."

"I hope we can get a good one."

"Don't worry. I've asked for the best value-for-money lawyer there is, Injunction Suit."

"Not the?!?"

"Yes, the same one who repaired Princess Luna's reputation with everypony in Canterlot. I'm not sure how well he'll spin it but he'll at least reduce it to just one charge, surely." The door was unlocked and a guard stepped in.

"A postmare wishes to speak to you." He announced in a rather gruff way. In trotted a gray pegasus with eyes looking all over the place.

"Ah, my dear." Flam flattered her. "Is there anything from Injunction Suit?"

"Sure is." She answered. "It's right here." She pulled out a sponge bag.

"What is that?" Flam was confused.

"The washkit you ordered."

"The washkit." Flim moaned, facehoofing in the process.

"Miss Derpy, I gave you two letters." Flam identified. "You sent the one asking for a washkit to the best lawyer in Equestria I know."

"Sure did!" She beamed.

"And as for the letter requesting a barrister?" Derpy took out a black cap and put it on.

"Right on it, squire!"

"You're saying that you'll represent us at the trial?" Flim asked.

"Absolutely. I always wanted to be involved in the laws of the Princesses."

"Perhaps all of us should get involved." Flim suggested.

"You're really a member of the Royal court?!?" Rarity gasped.

"I didn't say that." Twilight answered. "Princess Celestia's asked me to be the prosecution counsel for an upcoming trial in Canterlot."

"Ah di'n't know you was a lawyer, Twiligh'."

"I did qualify as one, Applejack, but I've never actually taken on the role of a barrister before."

"So why did the Princess ask yer?"

"It so happens that your family have become quite involved in this case."

"Yer what?"

"As victims. My current research on the case strongly suggests that they'll be key witnesses."

"Oooh, does that mean we can unlock doors with them?" Pinkie Pie asked, appearing out of nowhere. Shrugging off her antics Applejack continued her inquiry.

"What kinda court case would have the Apples as witnesses in Canterlot?" Twilight gave her a knowing smirk and floated over a piece of card.

"Maybe the names of the accused will answer your question." Applejack's eyes bugged out before her face settled into a sly smirk of her own.

"Hooo boy! Never thought Ah'd get t'chance t' return their favour."

"We won't be short of witnesses from Ponyville." Twilight mentioned. "But I'd like to investigate their dealings with other towns."

"We're right behind you, Twilight." Rainbow Dash grinned with furrowed brows as she read the names of the accused.

"They'll need to find ponies who've never heard of us." Flam identified as he paced while Flim attempted to formulate a part of their defence case, preferably the main part.

"All things considered," He responded, "They'll be members of the Canterlot elite, nowhere else would have anypony sufficiently unfamiliar with us. So if we can look at our ancestry maybe that'll have some bearing."

"Flim, our parents were first cousins. They were a sideline of the Aten family."

"Exactly. We have a Canterlot pedigree."

"Your lawyer's here." The guard interrupted.

"Okay, Derpy." Flam greeted her. "What've you got?"

"Blueberry muffins." She told them, earning a certain look from the two. "For our tea."

"We're grateful for the treat, but what about our case?"

"Oh, well I've been looking at your business history and located some witnesses."

"Good." Flim acknowledged.

"And I've started on my own report."

"We've been working on some contributions to that."

"Well, we can compile our findings the day before the trial."

"Dear sister, I've never heard of your ever personally calling for the arrest of anypony for over five hundred years." Luna commented as they shared the evening meal.

"Ordinarily I wouldn't condemn the actions of any of my subjects but these stallions are a special case." Celestia answered. "Furthermore I intend to highlight a problem that's developing among the Canterlot elite."

"Problem?"

"It's not common but it's possible for a mortal pony to succumb to greed."

"Celestia, please explain how any pony could suffer from the psychological poison that is greed."

"When Canterlot was named the capital of Equestria many families who'd distinguished themselves in the black days beforehand settled within its walls. Over time they began to distance themselves from the rest of Equestria and would only accept the companionship of others in the same boat. The stallions, Flim and Flam, are but the product of a most unfortunate accident of inbreeding when members of two very close families sought escape from the strain of the city life. The news of it only got to their parents when they'd already began preparing the twins for school, so there was no turning back on that front."

"You're saying that inbreeding due to snobbish pride leads to offspring highly susceptible to avarice?" The sun goddess gave her compatriot a steady nod.

"How goes Operation Send 'Em Down?" Rainbow Dash asked Twilight with blatantly false nonchalance.

"I've got more than enough witnesses and I'm currently compiling documentation of the evidence against them."

"I've just been having a chat with Derpy." Twilight glanced up with a tad more interest.

"How is she?"

"Delighted to be involved in Equestria's legal system." Rainbow Dash stifled a giggle. Twilight cocked an eyebrow.

"Derpy? But she's not one of my witnesses."

"No, she told me she's gonna be defence counsel." Rainbow continued to stifle laughter.

"She's got a court case too?"

"Same one. She's Flim and Flam's defence counsel!" Rainbow Dash let some laughter through. Twilight gave a sigh.

"We'll just be doing our job. I won't hold it against her and I hope she won't either. I didn't even know she had any legal training."

"She doesn't. The only experience she has was in flight school during some problem-solving exercises!" Rainbow Dash rolled on the floor in hilarity. "Hang on," She said once she'd recovered, "Where's Spike?"

"The Princess asked him to be the clerk of the court so he needs to be separate from me in order to avoid any bias."

"How's about this, Flam?" Flim sought his brother's opinion upon the piece he wrote. "Flim and Flam are at the end of a great line of noble blood and the advance of Equestria's economy sits in their innovative hoofs!"

"Brilliant work." Flam cheered.

"Sounds like a marvellous piece." Derpy agreed as she looked up from her notes.

"I've made a substantial conclusion to the defence." Flam brandished a piece of paper. "Since we aren't allowed typing equipment in here you'll have to take it all and compile it into a comprehensive work of legal jargon."

"At once!" Derpy gathered all notes and paperwork and set off.

Flim and Flam stood between a pair of royal guards awaiting the trial that would determine their future in business ventures. Spike sat at a table checking over the preliminary notes while he waited for the time when he'd use the typewriter, a godsend for him. The jury wasn't very comprehensive; in the box sat Fancypants with three other noble-ponies and eight randomly selected members of the palace staff. Derpy entered the courtroom.

"So sorry I'm late, your honour." She addressed Spike. "I'd like to start by saying that these stallions are truly brilliant in their concepts and know just how to treat a mare..."

"That's the clerk of the court." Flam pointed out. "We haven't started yet." Derpy moved to her station, embarrassed by her mistake. Twilight now came in.

"So we meet again." She addressed them.

"Oh, it's you." Flim moaned. "What purpose might you be serving in this trial, then? Straightening chairs?" Twilight didn't react severely to this since she knew that the truth would provide the 'take that' required.

"No, I'm the prosecutor." She told them. "Don't get your hopes up, the evidence against you is overwhelming."

"I'd advise that you don't get your hopes up." Flim countered. "Any down-to-earth judge is bound to do no worse than give us a fine."

"Certainly any simple, down-to-earth, unbiased pony would." Twilight smiled.

"Who's on the bench, by the way?" Flam asked.

"All rise for their Royal highnesses!" A guard announced as Celestia and Luna entered on the side reserved for the role of judge.

"That's torn it." Flam spoke out of the side of his muzzle. The supreme rulers of Equestria and de facto masters of the entire world sat at the judge's podium and Celestia gestured for everyone to sit down.

"Court is now in session." Princess Celestia announced. "Equestria versus the Flim Flam brothers." She commenced to read out the charges, including a part about 'attempting to force land away from a family to which it had been granted by the crown' and, most shocking to the two, 'disregard to the rights and privalages of one or more bearers of the Elements of Harmony'.

"How dost the defendants plead?" Princess Luna asked once the charge-reading was complete.

"Not guilty." They answered simultaneously.

"Twilight Sparkle," The moon goddess addressed, "Thy role as prosecutor is called for."

"This is fun, isn't it." Derpy remarked to the accused. "Just like a real trial."

"Your majesties..." Twilight started until Celestia raised a hoof.

"Please," She countered, "For the duration of this trial we shall be referred to as 'your honours' since that is the term typically used when addressing judges."

"Apologies, your honours." Twilight resumed. "I'd like to call my first witness, Applejack." When the prompt passed through the proper channels the farm pony entered and took the stand. A guard provided her with a card to read off and an emblem of both Princesses. Applejack took just the emblem and turned to the alicorns.

"I som'ly swear in the view of your most ennoble highnesses that Ah'll tell the truth, the whole truth and nothin' but the truth." The Princesses glanced at each other and silently agreed that her oath was satisfactory.

"You are Applejack, of the Apple family and resident of Sweet Apple Acres?" Twilight began. Applejack had been told about this formality and so replied.

"Tha's me."

"Do you recognise those two stallions in the dock?" Twilight asked.

"Yes. Brothers Flim and Flam."

"Would you please tell the court what happened between yourself and them in your own words?" With that Applejack recounted quite accurately the time when Flim and Flam offered the use of their magitech gizmo to make more cider quicker and easier in return for a most unfair dividend, including the most valuable parts for the sake of prosecution. "Thank you, Miss Applejack." Twilight's conclusive statement caused the farm pony to raise her eyebrows in confusion.

"Would the defence counsel like to cross-question the witness?" Celestia asked.

"Just one thing." Derpy acknowledged as she stepped towards Applejack. "Can you use cider in muffins?"

"Objection!" Twilight shouted. "The defence counsel's question is irrelevent to the matter in hand."

"It mentions cider, don't it?" Derpy countered.

"Objection sustained." Celestia mentioned. With that Derpy returned to her assigned desk.

"I would now like to call my second witness," Twilight announced, "Granny Smith." The elderly mare hobbled in as best she could, one of the guards aiding her efforts to reach the box.

"It's a'right, youn' lad." She told him. "Ah may not be as spritely as Ah was bu' Ah can still ge' where Ah'm goin'." Once the whole oath taking and witness identification part had passed Twilight asked her.

"Does your family not own Sweet Apple Acres in Ponyville?"

"Sure tha's our land."

"Did Flim and Flam not try to force this land out of your hooves by way of a quality cider production challenge without any reimbursement, the lack of which would leave all of you destitute?"

"They most certainly did!"

"Can you see Flim and Flam anywhere in this courtroom?" Granny Smith gestured most emphatically towards the dock.

"They're right there!!!" She almost screamed.

"Okay, okay." Twilight settled her down. "Now, would you please recount how your family came by the land that is now called Sweet Apple Acres?" Granny Smith smiled and closed her eyes as she remembered her time as a young filly and spoke each memory with calm precision. Once she had finished the defendants were gobsmacked that the mare they considered to be 'an old fogie' was not only the daughter of the stallion that Princess Celestia had granted farmland to but was also responsible for the founding of Ponyville itself. "Thank you for your time, Granny Smith." Luna was also staring between her sister and the senior pony in the witness box.

"Defence counsel," Celestia addressed, "Have you any questions for this witness?" There was a long pause before Derpy answered.

"Nope." With that Granny Smith was courteously escorted out of the court.

"What you have heard, members of the court," Twilight announced, "Is how these two stallions attempted to rip off just one family, to the extent of going back on their claims of quality in order to make more cider." Following on from that she presented evidence of their doing such acts before and after the incident with Sweet Apple Acres. "Having identified their crimes against ponies I would now like to call a witness to their crimes against the natural world. Call Fluttershy." It took some time before the pegasus in question could gain the courage to take the stand. Her statement was particularly shocking to those present.

"When they saw that we were, in fact, making more cider," She said, "They put more magic into their monstrous machine making it uproot apple trees and process everything that came off, so you can understand the horrors that must've occurred in that thing. And, to think, they actually let ponies drink cider that could've had all sorts of remains in it!" She broke down as her mind swam with what could've happened. With the Princesses' permission she was gently escorted from the court.

By the time Twilight had finished it was barely an hour before sunset was due. Because of this the Princesses adjourned the court for the day, with resumption due two hours after sunrise the next day. During the recess Twilight approached Fluttershy.

"Sorry." Twilight croaked. "I'm sorry that you had to go through that."

"I...It's okay." She replied. "Somepony had to point out the danger that machine poses."

"Can I just ask," Pinkie Pie inquired, "Why is it that there were no gems in the jewellery? After all it is called the jewellery, isn't it."

"Pinkie, it's the jury, not the jewellery. They usually determine if someone's guilty or not based on the evidence given. However, according to existing legislation, the judgement of the Princesses always overrides anypony elses, so they must be in a purely advisory role in this case."

Next morning the court reassembled ready to hear the defence. Just before this was granted Princess Luna made a statement.

"It so happens," She informed all present, "That we were in reception of a document apparently sent by the accused offering a proportion of their profits in return for clemency. Therefore we may introduce a charge of attempted bribery to this case."

"I told you it was impossible." Flam snarled in a whisper to his brother. Thusly Derpy commenced her defence.

"First off," She stated as she read her notes, "I would like to say that Flim and Flam are up the end of a great and noble lion and Equestria has the advantage of an enema by their hooves."

Derpy first called their mother as a witness, who revealed the accidental infidelity that propagated the con-stallions before beginning to break down, prompting Princess Celestia to request that she remain in Canterlot for a while so that she may explain things to the poor mare.

"I'd not like to call the surprise witness," Derpy declared, "Twilight Sparkle." Twilight stared in bewilderment as she moved away from her desk.

"Thou wouldst call the counsel for prosecution as a defence witness?" Princess Luna asked incredulously.

"That's the surprise." She explained as Twilight took the stand. Once the oath-taking was done Derpy asked her. "You are Twilight Sparkle, proprietor of Golden Oak Library and student of her majesty Princess Celestia?"

"I am." With this Derpy gave a gesture of success to the accused.

"Disregarding the matter at hoof, would you really think of Flim and Flam as the kind of ponies who would typically cheat others?"

"Yes, I would." Derpy was thrown by this; all she could offer was.

"You sure? I was certain you'd say no."

"Positive." Twilight answered. "If your honours would permit I'd like to read out a list of incidents resembling that, which took place in Ponyville." Celestia gave a simple nod. "16th May Year 1 of the Third Age, 21st May Year 1 of the Third Age, 4th June Year 1 of the Third Age, 13th August Year 1 of the Third Age..."

"You missed one." Derpy pointed out.

"23rd July Year 1 of the Third Age," Twilight mentioned her gratitude to the pegasus, "6th September Year 1 of the Third Age..."

"Derpy!" Flam interrupted. She got the message there.

"That you, Miss Sparkle, no further questions." That concluded Twilight's time in the stand.

"Congratulations," Flim muttered to Derpy, "You've really made a good case."

"Don't worry, I've a final and decisive witness." Derpy turned back to the court and shouted. "Call Snails!" The young colt was led into the room.

"Deny everything and we'll do you any favour you ask." Flam whispered to the lad as he walked by. Snails nodded with a smile and took the stand.

"In light that this witness is under 12," Luna announced, "We shall forego the oath."

"Are you Snails?" Derpy began her questioning.

"Nope." He replied.

"But you are willing to defend these two gentlecolts?" Derpy tried.

"Nope." Flim and Flam simultaneously head-desked at this.

"Come on, Snails." Derpy whispered. "Show more assistance. It's me."

"Oh no, it's not." He answered out loud.

"Objection!" Twilight was most exasperated. "The witness is unreliable."

"Objection sustained." Celestia confirmed. "Please leave, young colt, you don't appear to be of any use to the proceedings." Derpy now moved on to her closing statement.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," She announced, "You have heard all the evidence of this case, but in the end it is up to your hearts to determine the truth. And, like me, I think you'll find that Flim and Flam are totally and utterly guilty!" She sat down and Flam turned over her notes, causing her to stand again. "Of nothing more than trying to upgrade the cider industry by way of a decent honest form of business."

"I find your statement highly unlikely." Celestia mentioned. "The jury will now adjourn to recommend the judgement upon the accused."

"Ponies of the jury," Princess Luna addressed, "Has thou reached a conclusion?"

"Indeed we have, your honours." Fancypants answered as spokespony. "We find the defendants guilty on all charges save one, low treason."

"Very well." Princess Celestia turned to Flim and Flam. "In light of the jury's verdict, having gone through the legal documents together, my sister and I determine that you shall serve each of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony for one whole year in personal servitude, totalling up to six years servility. Furthermore you are henceforth banned from holding your own private business until further notice."

"Hast thou anything to say?" Luna asked them.

"Yes." Flam stated after a moment's pause. "Will we have an escort?"

"Only when travelling between your charges." She answered.

"To ensure you won't commit any felonies while doing time," Celestia added, "You will be required to wear enchanted horseshoes that will get very heavy if you go too far away from your assigned location, which depends on who you're assigned to and also where they want you to be as well as what they want you to do. Furthermore," She paused as she stamped a parchment just after Luna did, "As from now all industrialised businesses must apply for a licence to ensure that progress won't stifle tradition, quality or aesthetics. We also agree that the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 shall be made custody of any of the element bearers should they so desire it for whatever purpose it may serve."

"The court case has been concluded." Luna announced.

"What's this?" Derpy asked as the Princesses presented her with a parchment.

"Having observed the farce that was thy efforts as defence counsel," Luna informed her, "We have determined that you are unsuited for the role of a lawyer and are hereby banned from legal proceedings except as a witness, a defendant or a victim until such a time as you come in possession of the necessary qualifications."

"However," Celestia told her, "In light of your efforts we've also agreed to reimburse you to the sum of 1,000 bits." She presented a pouch of gold coins. "Perhaps you should consider a less mentally taxing role in society."

"Please don't hold back." Princess Celestia told the element bearers. "I would like to hear whatever criticisms you may have about the order in which your temporary servants will be assigned."

"Jus' one thing, Princess." Applejack spoke up. "Why is i' tha' Ah'm number three rather than either number one or number six, seein' as Ah've go' the most reason t' pu'em through the paces?"

"I did consider a progressive timetable," Celestia answered, "But normal sentences tend to wind down towards the end and throwing them in at the deep end means they'll consider the other five lenient, so you and Rarity are years three and four respectively as I expect that they'll find the duties under you two to be either really gruelling or rather humiliating. A sort of peak in the chart."

"Considering those facts," Twilight mentioned, "It all falls into place. First Pinkie Pie, then me, then Applejack, then Rarity, then Rainbow Dash and finally Fluttershy."

"Now we come to what their machine's gonna be used for." Celestia stated.

"Don' look at me!" Applejack declared. "Ah don' wan' nothin' t'do with it."

"And I most certainly don't wish to be associated with such a monstrousity." Rarity added.

"Don't look at me." Rainbow Dash remarked. "I doubt it's cloud-compatible."

"I daren't even look at it." Fluttershy squeaked.

"I don't want to make this hard, Princess." Twilight mentioned. "But I don't see what help it could be for my studies or even for the library."

"Pinkie?" Celestia asked.

"I did have one idea." She answered. "But it's a little bit tricky. If I may have a personal word with you." Celestia nodded and led her away from the others before they had a few words, during which a smirk seemed to form on the Princess's face.

"It will take a bit of time to print the forms," She informed the hyperactive pony, "But I think you'll be able to start up within a month."

"Thanks a bundle!" Pinkie squealed and began bouncing towards the door. As she drifted off into perspective her voice seemed to float back to them in her song mode. "I never thought that I would climb over the moon and next..."

"Since Flim and Flam are to be sent to serve under her tomorrow," Celestia informed the remaining five, "I would like to extend to each of you an invitation to stay in Canterlot for up to a week."

"Why Princess Celestia," Rarity declared, "What an honour to bestow upon such humble ponies as we!"

"Fer a given value of 'umble." Applejack muttered. "Ah appreciate the offer, Princess, bu' Ah don' think Ah could stay away from Ponyville fer more than another day."

"If you think Ponyville will be able to cope without my services as a librarian for that long..." Celestia responded to Twilight with a gentle nod. "I think I'll take you up on your offer."

"If it's a royal invitation," Rainbow Dash stated, "I'm accepting, forbid the storm clouds!"

"If you're offering, Princess," Fluttershy ventured, "I may be able to remain for two or three days. If nopony else has any objections...?"

"Whatever your own decisions may be," Celestia reassured them, "My sister and I will always consider you all welcome within the walls of the palace. See you around." She turned away to deal with her duties, prancing as she went while her singing floated back to them bearing joy and confusion. "Who can take a sunrise? Sprinkle it with dew? Cover it in chocolate and a mir..."