The Road to Ponyville
Written by GlueFactory
All Characters Owned by Hasbro, Inc.
“Aaaaaah,” sighed Rarity as she snuggled against the cushions in her booth. “This is living.”
With the train now well on its way to Ponyville, the white unicorn let the tension of yesterday and the day before melt from her mind. The only sounds in the diner car were the murmured conversations of her fellow passengers, waiters and waitresses moving to and fro and the muffled thump of the running rails. Squeezing a few more drops of lemon into a cup of tea, she laughed quietly to herself.
“I guess it wasn't so bad,” she said to nopony in particular.
Only a few days ago, Applejack had fled from Dodge Junction in a desperate attempt to hide her reason for not coming home. Rarity and the others were left with no choice but to give chase so they could finally root out the truth. Pinkie Pie was especially upset, to say the least, boarding Applejack's speeding wagon and demanding an apology for a broken Pinkie Promise.
Even after all the trouble they went through to find her, Rarity still had no idea why Applejack wouldn't return.
She did remember hearing, "Catch me!" before being clobbered by Pinkie's poofy-tailed backside and tumbling off into the dusty desert.
Everyone else found out about AJ's dilemma apparently, because by the time Rarity and Pinkie caught up to the others, save for their empty wagons they were nowhere in sight.
Probably Rainbow's doing, thought Rarity, taking a sharp sip of tea. Stranding us out here because she's too impatient and wanted to go home the big hero.
Her legs still ached from having to help drive the rusty abandoned rail car with Pinkie. She remembered the awful feeling of sweat, dust and soot covering her from head to hoof, her mane a tangle of brambles and twigs.
She could still hear the echo of, "Chimi-Cherry? Cherry-Changa?"
Rarity’s eye suddenly twitched. She quickly put the teacup down, which was shaking tightly in her hooves.
Celestia must’ve been watching when they found the oasis with the old train station still in service. Even more so when she and Pinkie found they had enough bits between them to pay for a one-way ticket back to Ponyville Junction.
Of course it had to be first-class. After all that trouble, Rarity deserved no less.
The unicorn felt a yawn coming on. Finally, she was comfortable enough to take a nice, long-needed...
The sudden tapping on her window put an end to any chance for a nap.
“Oh for crying out--,” she whispered harshly, levitating the empty plate towards a passing waiter.
“A-hem, excuse me monsieur? Another plate of donuts if you please.”
“Eh? Oh, of course ma’am,” answered the waiter, taking the plate over his head.
The waiter trotted over to the snack bar where a unicorn chef was busy filling another round of teacups.
“More donuts for booth twelve,” said the waiter, dropping the plate unceremoniously on the bar.
“Again!?” balked the chef, using his magic to flip a batch of fresh donuts out of the deep fryer and onto the plate. “Where’s she puttin’ it all!?”
“Eh...” was all the waiter could muster as he grabbed the plate with his teeth.
With the steaming hot donuts placed at the table, Rarity waited until she was out of the waiter’s field of vision. Glancing toward the nearby booths, she saw none of her fellow passengers were looking in her direction.
With a blue swirl of magic, she quickly opened her window just enough to float the plate of donuts outside and towards the bottom of the train before snapping it shut.
A few posh looking passengers in a neighboring booth felt the sudden gust of wind and turned to glare at the unicorn. Fixing a toothy smile, Rarity politely waved them off.
“Eh, heh heh heh... ever so sorry again, my friends,” she tittered. “It can get so stuffy in here and I simply do need some fresh air from time to time.”
Eying Rarity a few seconds longer, the other passengers finally turned back to their own private business. Rarity slowly let out an exasperated sigh before she heard the familiar tapping on the window again.
“What is it now?” she whispered.
All caution thrown aside, Rarity opened the window only to see an empty plate spat back onto her table.
“Puh-tooey!” went Pinkie Pie, sticking her head through the window. “Hey Rarity! Can I get a glass of milk?”
“Pinkie! Shhhhhhh!” answered Rarity in a harsh whisper, throwing herself between Pinkie and anyone who may have seen the stowaway. “Get back outside before somepony sees you!”
“But I’m booooooored,” whined Pinkie, kicking her back hooves. “Hiding under a train isn’t fun anymore and I stopped counting cactai when I reached one-thousand, two hundred and seventy-six. Hey, I know! Wanna hang outside with me?”
“Please Pinkie, I have no interest in, eh, ‘hanging’ in the underside of a speeding train and catching bugs in my teeth,” sneered Rarity.
“Aw, it’s not so bad,” smiled Pinkie. “Besides, you start to get used to the taste...”
“The... taste...?” Squeaked Rarity, shuttering.
As her eyes followed down Pinkie’s grinning face, Rarity could make out a smattering of tiny wings, legs and antennae dotting the pink pony’s toothy complexion.
The diner car nearly shook with a shrill, piercing scream.
“Yeeeeeowza!” yelled Pinkie, folding her back. “And I thought the train whistle was loud. Sheesh! Uh, Rarity?”
“That’s the most revolting thing I’ve ever seen,” cried Rarity, looking away from Pinkie and covering her eyes. “Keep away from me!”
“But Rarity...”
“No! Not until you brush your teeth for a hundred years and promise never to open your mouth at me ever again will I--”
“Rarityyyyyyyy!”
“What!?” relented Rarity, uncovering her eyes only to look into the faces of some very annoyed passengers and one very stern-looking train conductor.
“Afternoon,” said the conductor as he chewed on a toothpick.
“Ummmmm, howdy?” responded Pinkie, lowering slightly back outside.
Rarity lips were tucked so far into her mouth, speech was currently impossible.
“Tickets?” asked the conductor.
“Uh,” stammered Pinkie. “Y’see sir, the uh, lady said she lost her contact lens so I said I’d go check outside and... umm...”
“Nice try. No ticket, no passage,” growled the conductor.
“W-w-wait a moment, sir!” blurted Rarity, semi-composing herself. “Please don't throw her off! She’s a dear friend of mine.”
“Oh, she won’t be alone,” the conductor added, glaring at Rarity.
As two porters moved toward Rarity and Pinkie, the unicorn threw herself to the floor as dramatically as possible at the hooves of a now very confused conductor.
“Oh have mercy kind sir!” cried Rarity, laying on drama worthy only of a daytime soap opera. “We are but two innocent fillies. Lost! Abandoned! Cast aside by the cold, cruel hoof of fate! Nary a bit between us or a friend in the world! Oh woe is us, woe I say!”
“Yeah,” cheerily chimed in Pinkie. “Woe, ‘n stuff.”
“Please,” continued Rarity, with eyes as wide as possible for a pony. “Tell me not that you would throw these two poor, defenseless fillies off of a moving train.”
The conductor looked to regard Rarity with a thought.
“I wouldn’t throw anypony off of a moving train,” he finally answered.
The two mares both breathed a sigh of relief, and shared a hopeful glance.
“Thank goodness,” added Rarity.
“No worries,” smirked the conductor.
Pinkie and Rarity learned what sand tasted like as they landed face-first into a small dusty dune. Though the landing was soft, it was no less pleasant as it sent Rarity into a coughing fit. Pinke turned back toward the conductor, who stood with his two porters at the caboose of the immobile train.
“And just to show that I run an honest rail, here’s a full refund,” he shouted, throwing a small pouch of bits back toward the two mares which landed in Pinkie’s mane.
“Just keep following this rail and the next town is three miles away,” he then said, pointing down the track. “Now let this be a lesson to you both.”
The train gave a mighty whistle as it pulled away from the two mares. All civility now gone, Rarity was on her feet, hopping at the train as it quickly moved further and further away.
“I’ll teach you a lesson, you fiend! You ruffian!” she shouted. “I know ponies! Powerful ponies! Ponies with connections! I’m a favored guest of royalty, do you hear me?! I’ll have you pulling that train when I’m done with you!”
Finally blinking the last of the dust from her eyes, she spotted Pinkie already bouncing past her alongside the train track. With a huffy snort, Rarity decided to quit while she was ahead on the idle threats and trot alongside.
“Well,” she sighed. “Yet another fine mess we’re in...”
“Eh, I don’t know,” shrugged Pinkie. “I’ve seen finer messes.”
Her head hung low, Rarity's twitched at Pinkie who continued to bounce along the track like she was back home in Ponyville.
“Pinkie, we’re stuck miles from home, trudging in the middle of nowhere looking for the smallest hint of civilization. How could you have seen a worse mess!?”
The question actually stopped Pinkie's bouncing, to Rarity's surprise. The pink pony rolled her eyes back and forth, giving the sarcastic inquiry some genuine thought.
“Well, the whole Nightmare Moon thing was pretty messy. Discord escaping, that was real mess if ever I saw one. Or the time you and Spike fell off that mountain, that could’ve been really really messy...”
“Thanks for the reminder," interrupted Rarity, slightly shuddering from the memory.
“Aw, don’t be such a grumble-ly grumble-pants. This could be like a vacation. And what's the best part of a vacation?”
"Going home?" asked Rarity, though clenched teeth.
"Nuh-uh! It's postcards!"
With an almost "taa-daa" like flourish, Pinkie slipped a postcard out from her mane with her teeth and held it out to Rarity. It was a picture of Dodge Junction with a shiny train pulled into the station.
It read: "Greetings from Dodge Junction! Best railroad service on the Equestrian frontier! Wish you were here!"
"I got it when we we're out searching for Applejack," said Pinkie. "Ain't it snazzy?"
It took no effort for Rarity to feel even worse about their situation. There should be a law against being that cheery, or hopelessly naive, she thought.
“Forgive me Pinkie," she said. "But broiling out in the desert sun is not my idea of R&R.’”
“But the sun's just doing what a sun does best! That's like saying snow is too cold, or rain is too wet!”
“Uuuugh. No offense Pinkie, but I don’t need anymore of your happy-go-lucky... dopiness.”
Pinkie furrowed her brow and gave a slight pout at the comment, but quickly perked up. She knew Rarity sometimes said things she didn't mean.
“I’m not being dopey. I’m being cheery, silly! Heck, if I wanted to be really dopey I’d say something like, ‘Duh, at least things can’t get any worse!’”
Pinkie tilted her head at Rarity, watching the unicorn suddenly duck down and look towards the sky like she was about to be struck by something.
“Oh Rarity,” said Pinkie, smiling and rolling her eyes. “My tail’s not twitching, see? Everything is hunky-dorey!”
“Pinkie,” she growled back. “If I weren’t such a lady, I’d knock some sense into that cotton candy head of yours.”
“Oh, pleeeease don’t mention sweets!” Pinkie's tummy giving a resounding grumble as an exclamation point. “I’m already hungry and--”
After several steps Rarity suddenly found herself walking alone. She looked behind her to see Pinkie staring at something.
“No way,” she whispered. “No way!”
The pink pony ran away from the train track and scrambled up to a nearby dirt road.
“Now what?” asked Rarity.
Joining Pinkie alongside the dirt road, Rarity watched as her friend bounced in front a large roadside billboard.
“Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh, it’s here! It’s really here! We’re sooooo close!”
The billboard looked battered and faded from the wind and punishing sun. Still, even with the peeled sign paper and faded colors, Rarity was still able to read the large garish and tacky advertisement.
“Don’t forget,” read Rarity aloud. “You are only three miles away from the... Largest Gumdrop in Equestria?”
“Can you believe it!?” cheered Pinkie, bouncing right up in Rarity’s face. “I’ve always wanted to go, but I couldn’t ‘cause I live so far away. But thanks to you and Applejack, I get to see the biggest gumdrop in Equestria!”
“First, personal space, please!” answered Rarity, pushing Pinke to a hoof length's distance. “Second, I shouldn’t be surprised, but I can’t believe we have no way to get home and you're more worried about some... tourist trap.”
“It is not a tourist trap,” said Pinkie, sweeping her hoof before the billboard like it was a sprawling vista. “This... this is pure Equestirana. This is heartland country, and nothing says heartland like a giant, sugar-coated mountain of sweet jelly, gahhhhhhhhh...”
Rarity had to turn away from Pinkie who started drooling like a St. Bernard. As she did, she noticed a small dust cloud coming down the dirt road.
“Look!” she shouted. In the distance, there was a pony drawn wagon barreling down the road.
“Were saved!”
Rarity waved at the oncoming wagon, while Pinkie stood on her haunches, flailing both front hooves wildly.
“Hello? Could you stop please?” called Rarity.
“Yo taxi!” yelled Pinkie.
“We could use a ride!”
“Gumdrop or bust!”
The unicorn and earth pony were responded to with a fresh cloud of dust as the wagon zoomed past them.
“Well,” coughed Rarity. “Rude much?”
“Maybe this is the freeway?”
“Oh hush, I see another one. Now stand aside and let me handle this.”
Smoothing out the curls in her mane, Rarity put one hoof forward towards the road. As the second wagon got closer, she batted her eyes and pouted her lips.
Only to receive a heaping helping of mud to the face courtesy of the speeding wagon. Pinkie couldn’t help but fall on her back, guffawing at Rarity’s new mud mask.
“Wha ha ha haaaa!" she snorted. "Hee hee hee!"
“Blech,” said Rarity, wiping the mud from her face and mane. “Oh, be quiet! Let’s see you try and do better!”
“No problemo! Just sit back and watch the ol’ master.”
Pinkie braced herself as yet another wagon came barreling down the road. As it came close enough for Pinkie to see the frantic ponies pulling the wagon, she jumped out in front, once again wildly waving her front legs.
“Pinkie,” screamed Rarity. “What are you-?”
“In the name of Princess Celestia and the biggest gumdrop in Equestria, stoooooooop!” yelled Pinkie.
It didn’t.
“Aw pickles,” she squeaked.
Pinkie suddenly felt herself lifted off the ground by Rarity who bit her tail, pulling as hard as she could. The pink pony slammed into the white unicorn, sending the two tumbling away from the road and rolling into a large... something.
Pinkie flopped on her back, wide-eyed at the sky.
“Woah... heh, thanks Rarity,” laughed Pinkie, though she was a half-second away from becoming a Pinkie pancake. “That was pretty dopey... even for me.”
“Owww....” moaned Rarity, rubbing her head and eyeing daggers at the large black mound she fell into.
“Ooooo, are you okay, Rarity?”
“Dumb rock!”
Fuming at the giant black mound, she turned and gave a resounding kick to the surprisingly fuzzy rock with her back hoof, making a frustrated grunt.
Seeing that she was okay, Pinkie couldn’t help but start snickering.
“What’s so funny?” Rarity demanded.
“You should see the look on your face, hee hee.”
Pinkie pretended to smooth out her hair, while obnoxiously imitating Rarity's batting eyes and pouting lips.
“Ooooooo, if I wasn’t suuuuuch a laaaaaady,” she cooed, leading into more laughs and snorts.
“Grrrr...”
Before Rarity could offer a very loud rebuttal, the “rock” turned around. The two now found themselves staring into the face of very large bull.
A very large and now very angry bull.
In the past, both Pinkie and Rarity had had a lot to scream about, leading to a dual perfection in the yelling arts. Even when gripped by a dragon or invaded by parasprites, Rarity made a point to make sure her scream was projected as clear and ladylike as possible. As if to say, “this can only be a wail from a pony of exquisite taste.” Pinkie’s screams were a class all of her own. With only one resounding note, a Pinkie Pie scream could easily emote panic, immediate danger or overwhelming happiness.
So with a red-eyed, long-horned bull rearing to charge before them, it was a unique moment for the both of them when all practice and refinement went out the window as they made a sound they had yet to ever make again.
“Neeeeeyyyyyyyahhhhahhhhhahhhhh!” yelled the two mares. Rarity jumped into Pinkie’s hooves as she high-tailed it (surprisingly well) on two legs with the bull giving chase.
“I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it!” yelled Rarity.
“And I was just kidding about worse things happening!” interjected Pinkie. “I take it back! I take it back!”
The sheer size of the bull and the span of his horns kept the two firmly in his warpath. Rarity quickly hopped off of Pinkie and ran alongside her. Unfortunately neither one had enough speed to outrun the thundering beast who was quickly overtaking them.
“Rarity!” yelled Pinkie.
“What!?” replied Rarity.
“I need to tell you something!”
Sweat poured from Rarity's brow. She hadn't moved this fast since her last Sapphire Shores order.
“We’re both kind of busy if you noticed...”
“But it’s really, really, really important!”
“What is it that’s so important!?”
Pinkie gave the briefest of pauses. Even while running for her life, she had enough time to be ashamed of something.
“... I... I’m sorry for last week because I sorta kinda used your toothbrush!”
The range of emotions that went through Rarity's face could fill an encyclopedia on confusion and revulsion.
“You’re telling me this now!?”
“I just remembered and this seemed like the right time! I had this piece of jaw-breaker stuck in my mouth for days, but it’s out now, see?”
“Stop showing me your bug-ridden teeth!”
Caught running between the horns of the bull, Pinke and Rarity scrambled as fast as their legs could carry them, turning only when the bull turned. Before they realized it, they found themselves circling back and towards the billboard they passed. As they closed the distance, the two mares skidded before the billboard and turned.
The bull, still as red-eyed and enraged as ever, dug its hoof into the ground, preparing for one last charge. With no time or room to run around the billboard, Pinkie and Rarity cowered in each others hooves.
“I can’t believe this,” said Rarity, shaking. “We’re about to be stampeded and all I can think off is that I now know why my toothbrush suddenly tasted like a lollipop.”
Pinkie’s stomach grumbled in response.
“Aw, did you have to mention lollipops?” groaned Pinkie.
Rarity had a perfect retort ready in her throat. But it was caught as the bull finally charged forward snorting and bearing down on the two.
“I... I’m... I’m sorry! “ screamed Rarity.
“I still can’t believe it,” said Pinkie, riding on top of the bull next Rarity.
“Amazing how far an apology and a little charm can get you,” said Rarity with the slightest ounce of smug. She was finally able to shake off the events from the last hour and was glad to hear that she could speak without her voice cracking from fright.
“Oh, not that,” replied Pinkie. “I can’t believe we’ve finally found a place to eat!”
Rarity looked to where her friend was pointing. It was a lone, long wooden trailer. Whatever wheels it had fell off long ago. However, a few freshly painted signposts around the trailer saying: “Last Chance for Eats” and “Best Hot Dogs In Equestria,” were stuck in the ground.
The old banner which hung over the trailer door before the town read: ‘The Greasy Spoon.’
“Charming,” said Rarity, wrinkling her face.
“Wow, what a sleepy little place,” wondered Pinkie.
“Sleepy? This place is downright terminal!”
“Maybe everypony’s out to lunch?”
“Pinkie,” said Rarity, rolling her eyes. “It looks abandoned, how could anypony work here, let alone be out to lunch?”
As if reacting to the word “lunch,” Pinkie’s tummy woke up with a loud grumble.
“Well, someone better be making lunch, cause I’m starving,” squeaked Pinkie.
Even though the diner looked like a archaeological find rather than a quick-stop eatery, Pinkie’s nose never lied. She knew the smell of a hot griddle and frying medium. A talent that had saved her and her friends from angry stomachs over a dozen times.
Though, for Rarity, Pinkie’s nose never really took taste or quality into account.
As the two hopped off the bull, he gave them a gingerly wave goodbye before heading back down the road.
“Thank you very much sir,” said Rarity, waving back. “Remember what I said: One bath a day, with soap. That should help you with your lady troubles.”
“C’mon Rarity,” called Pinkie as she dashed for the front door.. “I’m gonna eat ‘till I explode and then I’m gonna eat some more!”
“I’m coming,” answered Rarity who avoided touching anything outside with the threat of a splinter on her mind.
The diner was, unsurprisingly, empty. The chairs put up on their respective tables had collected a fine layer of dust and cobwebs and the floor needed a good sweeping, scrubbing and flat-out replacing. The only place untouched by neglect was the diner bar and a row of swivel seats.
Pinkie excitedly plopped her flank down and began spinning in her seat. Rarity gave the next a good tail-brushing before gingerly sitting down.
Though she could hear a hot griddle and smell fresh food, Pinkie impatiently glanced across the counter and into the vacant kitchen. Rarity, on the other hoof, looked through one of the menus sitting at the table. She responded to every item with either a crinkled nose, crooked eyebrow or sneered lip.
“Do they have anything here that isn’t drowning in grease?” she said, her eyes widening at the growing number of artery clogging items.
“Hellooooo?” called Pinkie, excitedly drumming the counter. “Two mares with a serious appetite over here.”
“How do you ‘deep fry’ a salad anyway!?”
“Looks like I’ve gotta handle this, Pinkie Pie style!”
With a resounding nod, Pinkie swung herself over the side of the counter. Rarity immediately heard the sounds of rummaging as she looked over where Pinkie disappeared.
“Pinkie! This isn’t Sugarcube Corner. Come out from there!”
But before Rarity had a chance to find her, Pinkie bounced back up wearing a white apron, a hairnet which barely contained her pink poofs and a small paper hat most commonly worn by a soda jerk. Leaning on the counter like she owned the place, Pinkie slapped a pad of paper on the counter and had a pencil stuck behind her ear.
“Hiya pal! What can I do ya for?” said this new Waitress Pinkie.
Rarity was hardly in the mood to reel Pinkie in this time. She was also hungry, so as long as someone was cooking...
“Oh well,” she receded. “I’ll have two fried eggs on toast and a glass of milk.”
Waitress Pinkie flipped the pencil into her mouth, quickly scribbling Rarity order, ripping out the paper and slapping it onto the windowsill leading into the kitchen.
“Yo! Gimmie two hen-fruit onna boat and a glass o’ moo juice, on the double!”
Pinkie zoomed from Rarity’s sight, jumping into the kitchen window and re-emerging wearing a chef’s hat and grabbed the paper slip.
“Adam and Eve onna raft and some bovine squeezins’, comin’ up!” answered Chef Pinkie.
“You know what?” added Rarity, tapping the counter. “I think I’d prefer scrambled eggs.”
“Yo!” yelled Waitress Pinkie. “Turn that raft into a shipwreck!”
“Whataya think I am, a magician!?” protested Chef Pinkie. "One wreck, comin' up!"
“OK doll-face,” said Waitress Pinkie, looking at the empty seat next to Rarity, paper and pencil at the ready. “Pick yer poison.”
“Oh jeez,” fretted Pinkie Pie, now sitting at her stool and pouring over the menu. “I’m really bad at stuff like this. What do I want? What do I feel like today?”
Not the patient sort, Waitress Pinkie banged her hoof on the counter and glared at the empty seat.
“C’mon sweet-cheeks! You’re holdin’ up the lunch crowd!”
Pinkie Pie flinched, nearly falling out of her seat. Sweating bullets while frantically running through the menu, she finally resorted to closing her eyes and picking her meal by hoof.
“Give me a sec, okay!? I guess I’ll have a tofu dog, with extra ketchup.”
“Yo! Gimmie an extra bloody fake-out bow-wow and make it snappy!”
“One massacred not-dog,” answered Chef Pinkie. “Comin’ up!”
Rarity felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to see Pinkie Pie pouting back in her seat.
“I hate places like this,” she whispered. “Rush rush rush. Well there goes her tip.”
As Pinkie disappeared again back into the kitchen, Rarity simply leaned on her hoof as she heard Pinkie cracking, mixing and frying away.
“I have yet to try the food,” she said to herself, dryly. “But the floor show leaves much to be desired.”
“Order up!” yelled Chef Pinkie.
Waitress Pinkie flipped two full plates from her back onto the counter and slid a glass of milk from her head along side Rarity plate. As Rarity enjoyed the aroma of the simple yet appetizing dish, she saw Pinkie Pie poking at her tofu dog, eying it suspiciously.
“It’s not going to bite back, honey,” she said, floating a fork to sample the eggs.
“I don’t know,” whispered Pinkie, observing the dog at different angles. “She might’ve done something to it. You don’t think she heard that tip thing do you?”
“Well you could ask ‘em to take it back,” said a brown colored stallion sitting next to Pinkie. “I recommend the house special.”
Both were surprised when they turned to see the brown stallion. Neither one had even seen him come in.
“Oh, pardon me,” he said. “Name’s Greasy Spoon, at yer service.”
“Mmm,” mumbled Rarity, too ladylike to talk with a mouth full of food. That is, until she inhaled sharply and began choking on a piece of egg. Rather than lose face, she quickly guzzled her milk before taking a deep breath.
“You... you mean...”
“That’s my name over the door,” said Greasy Spoon with a smile.
Pinkie was about to bite into the tofu dog, but ended up biting her lip as she sheepishly looked at Greasy Spoon.
“Uh... woopsie,” she muttered.
“Ah, think naught of it,” answered Greasy. “I’m glad someone’s putting this ol’ place to use. Tell you what, everything's on the house for a veggie burger with a side of extra crispy hay fries.”
Pinkie Pie beamed at Greasy as she knocked the plate with her hoof, catapulting the tofu dog into her mouth and gulping it down whole. Waitress Pinkie then quickly popped back over the counter with pad and pencil in hoof.
“Yo!” she shouted. “Gimmie a salad on a bun and flambie some barn sticks!”
“But my shift is over!” yelled Chef Pinkie from the kitchen.
“Oh mutiny, eh?”
Waitress Pinkie turned and angrily stomped into the kitchen. Thankfully for Rarity, the argument between the waitress and cook wasn’t too loud.
“Nice er, place,” she said, finishing her dish. “It’s very, um, quaint.”
“Yer too kind,” replied Greasy, with a genuine smile.
Dabbing her mouth with what she hoped to be a clean napkin, Rarity was ready to leave. Best to vacate now before his generosity runs out, she thought.
“Ahem, well don’t mind us, We’re just passing through, trying to get back to Ponyville.”
“Ponyville? I knew you two were from outta town, but not that otta town!”
Rarity gave a polite little giggle, contrary to Greasy’s boisterous laughter as he yucked it up and slapped his knee.
“Haw haw! How did you ladies end up all the way out in these parts?”
“Oh, It’s quite a story...”
Rarity quickly turned away so Greasy wouldn’t ask why her eye was suddenly spazzing out.
“Y’know,” he said. “Seeing as you need ride home, there’s usually a train that’s scheduled for a pick up in the next town over only a half mile away. I’m sure you and your friend could hitch a ride in no time.”
It would be too forward to jump and hug someone I just met, thought Rarity.
“That bit of news is most appreciated,” she answered calmly, but still grinned widely.
Getting up, she turned toward the kitchen. “Come Pinkie! We’re off!”
With a grouchy look on her face, Chef Pinkie trotted out of the kitchen and placed Greasy’s vegi-burger on the counter before him.
“Much obliged,” said Greasy.
“No problem,” smiled Chef Pinkie before she glared back to the kitchen. “You can consider that my resignation, cause’ I quit!”
Chef Pinkie threw her chef’s hat down and disappeared as Waitress Pinkie burst through the kitchen doors with gritted teeth.
“Quit!?” she yelled. “You can’t quit! You’re fired!”
As Rarity trotted towards the exit, she was joined by Pinkie Pie, who turned her nose up at the whole establishment.
“Really,” she scoffed. “What lousy service. Remind me never to eat there again.”
As they exited the Greasy Spoon, the two trotted by down the dirt road. Pinkie suddenly found herself quickly trying to catch up to Rarity, who was now more perky and energetic then before.
“Never mind that now, Pinkie. I believe I've found our one-way ticket home. You can have all your meals back at Sugarcube Corner. Isn’t that wonderful!”
“Oh, um, yeah,” muttered Pinkie.
A quiet Pinkie was never a good thing. It was something Rarity knew too well. But whatever it was would have to wait, preferably until they reached home.
“Um, has it really been so bad?” asked Pinkie.
Rarity noticed she wasn’t even making eye-contact. But any pangs of concern were dashed as the thought of her beautiful boutique and her soft, comfy bed entered her mind.
“Positively dreadful,” she snuffed. “The sooner I’m back in my boutique, the sooner I can forget this entire nightmare.”
“Oh... okay.”
With that, Pinkie silently tucked the postcard she bought back under her mane. It read: “Greetings from The Greasy Spoon! Where the food is always edible! Wish you were here!”
Gumdrop Junction couldn’t have been more of a tourist trap if it had nets, snares and dug in pits. The little town was entirely comprised of shops meant to milk a hapless pony out of as many bits as they could. Stores lined the main avenue, peddling in knick-knacks, do-dads, tinctures, sundries, whatchamacallum’s and whathaveyous.
Nearly all of it was related to candy.
To the left was Orange Slice’s Sweet Boutique, Licorice Whip's Salty Sports Bar and Spearmint’s Spiced Perfumes. On the right was an alternative clothes store called Bad Jujube’s, which Rarity turned her nose up at, seeing what they tried to pass for fashion. The last shop was Gingerbread’s Bakery which was currently running a sale: Buy twelve extra large gumdrops and get the thirteenth for half off.
Pinkie was ecstatic, to say the least.
“This looks like the place,” said Rarity, scanning the shops for something, anything resembling a train station - or a salon.
“It sure does,” said Pinkie, eyes wide and hungry, like a pink shark smelling sugary chum.
Rarity breathed a quick sigh as they passed the lone train station close to the center of town. Pinkie’s attention, however, was consumed by the large pagoda, right smack dab in the center of town.
The colorful banner read: “The Largest Gumdrop In Equestria. Next tour, every hour on the hour.”
Seeing the banner alone made her giddy.
“Though I’m loathe to do so,” said Rarity. “We’ll have to get the cheapest seats they have.”
Pinkie’s eyes never left the gumdrop pagoda.
“Suuuuure,” she said, half-heartedly.
Compared to the rest of their trek, buying two coach tickets for the last train to Ponyville was the least difficult task. The seats only cost a few bits, leaving the two mares with an abundance of money and time.
“I suppose we should pick up some supplies,” said Rarity, looking over the shops again. “Applejack usually brings what she calls her ‘essentials’ when she travels.”
“Yeah... good call,” said Pinkie, half at attention.
“So we’ll split up and find some essentials?”
“Right, some essentials,”
“Very well.”
“Yeah.. okay.”
A half hour later, the two met back at the town center. Whatever they amassed in that time, one thing was abundantly clear.
“Those are not the essentials!” yelled Rarity.
In complete defiance of Rarity, Pinkie loudly slurped on the two straws that looped around her green gumdrop shaped baseball hat and into the two juice boxes held at the sides.
For extra measure, she pulled down a pair of bedazzled shades over her eyes.
“What's a vacation without souvenirs?” asked Pinkie, as she bit into her seventh out of thirteen extra large gumdrops from the half empty box on her back.
She wiped the sugar off on her new t-shirt that read: “I Got Salted at Licorice Whip's!”
“You got a dress and I didn't say anything,” she added.
“We’ve had this conversation before Pinkie, and it’s a shawl,” shot back Rarity.
The unicorn tightened the light wrap around her neck which spread down her sides. The design was, of course, gumdrop inspired. However, it was tastefully sequined with gemstones, matching Rarity’s style and flair.
Pinkie leaned in closer to her travel-buddy, sniffing the air around her hair.
“What is that?" she asked. "Smells familiar.”
Rarity backed away quickly, swishing her hair back and turning her face away from Pinkie.
“No idea!” she said a little too loud. “Are you saying I smell? Y-you’re crazy with the heat!”
Pinkie crooked an eyebrow at Rarity.
“I live in a bakery, sneaky-sneak! I know cinnamon when I smell it!”
Rarity quickly tucked her front hooves under her shawl, hoping Pinkie didn’t also notice her manicure.
“Okay, fine! I... pampered myself a bit. Look, let’s just forget about it and get to the station. Our ride will be here any minute and we can finally get back home.”
“What!?”
Pinkie flipped back up her shades. Rarity had yet to see a more pleading set of eyes.
“B-but we can’t go!”
Now Rarity was on the attack, she stomped her hooves and gritted her teeth, glaring at Pinkie.
“Pinkie, I swear,” she growled. “By Celestia’s name, what is so important that - are you even listening!?”
No she wasn’t. Pinkie’s attention was back towards the pagoda where a long line of patrons was already forming at the entrance.
“Oh pickles,” gasped Pinkie. “The line’s starting!”
Pinkie made a mad dash for the pagoda. Yet, she found herself going much slower than usual, like her tail suddenly doubled in weight. Pinkie turned to see her pink poof tail firmly in Rarity's teeth, holding on for all she was worth.
Pull as she might, Rarity didn’t let go until Pinkie finally stopped.
“Oh no you don’t!" she shouted. “We are not missing this train, do you hear me!?”
“But it’s the Largest Gumdrop in Equestria!” whined Pinkie. “This is like, my one and only chance to finally see it! You gotta understand, Rarity, I can't pass this up!”
Blast her manicure. Rarity stomped towards the pink pony, her eyes afire with all the frustration and unpleasantness she endured. It felt like being back on the rail car, listening to Pinkie ask the same question, over and over and over.
“I did not traipse across this horrid place,” she snarled. “Being thrown from my comfortable ride home, having to run for my life, eat tasteless food and stomach a town with no sense of class, just for you to cost us our only way home because you want to waste time staring at some stupid, gaudy piece of confectionery!”
Rarity finally took a deep breath.
Pinkie looked like she'd been kicked in the stomach.
Rarity began to feel an apology form at the back of her throat. This is until Pinkie shoved herself into Rarity's face with an equal glare to match.
“Who said I wanted to go home with a grumble-ly grumble-pants like you?!” yelled Pinkie.
If Rarity’s brain had a tail, it was just given a hard yank.
“Are you crazier than usual!? I can't just leave without you!” she answered.
“Well, you sure don’t like hanging out with me! You’ve just been mean and snarky to me all the time! So I’m gonna go see my ‘stupid, gaudy piece of confectionery’ and I don’t need a party-pooper like you to ruin my moment!”
Rarity now responded to Pinkie’s shove in kind. Pushing her head to where they glared eye to eye.
“Party-pooper!? Is that what you think this is!? Another one of your silly parties!? You, Pinkie Pie, have got to be the looniest, scatter-brained, most irresponsible pony I have ever met!”
Pinkie stepped back, stunned, silent. Her legs shook and her lips quivered.
She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she almost wanted to shove Rarity on her snooty behind.
But one thought won out over all, a thought that had been brewing for quite some time.
Pinkie opened her mouth.
And stuck out her tongue.
"THBPBPTHPT!"
Rarity was flabbergasted. If somepony had told her that polka dots and horizontal stripes were all the rage in Canterlot, you still couldn’t get a more shocked and disturbed expression.
“Y-y... b-b... I...,” the words weren’t coming out for her.
Pinkie gave a triumphant “Humph!” She had finally put the fashion pony in her place.
Rarity seethed at the party pony, her cheeks puffed and bright red. But she still couldn’t think straight. No witty retort, no well-crafted insult, nothing.
Nothing except, "THBPBPTHPT!"
Pinkie Pie stood slack jawed for only a moment. But she composed herself with an added growl as Rarity bared her head down, at the ready.
The challenge had been accepted.
"THBPBPTHPT!" fired Pinkie, taking the initiative.
"THBPBPTHPT!" responded Rarity, with a volley of her own.
"THBPBPBPBPTHPT!"
"THBPBPBPBPTHPT!"
"THBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPTHPT!"
"THBPBPBPBPBPBPBPBPTHPT!"
It’s fair to say that many of the vacationers and locals gave the white and pink mares a lot of space as they dueled in the town square, neither one backing down. But after several terribly heated minutes, the fight had finally left them both. Exhausted, the two tried to catch their breaths as their tongues hung from their mouths, dry and limp.
Almost simultaneously, the two turned on their hooves and stomped away from each other.
“Fahne!” shouted Rarity. “Bbe bat wooay! Ah’m goong hoome to Pbpthooneefille!”
“Fahne!” answered Pinkie. “Ah’m blech eh’ bloo bloo, Pblthtabla, PthPblABLAhthPLablo!
“Ah’ hab noo ideba wot yoo sab, bub fahne!”
“Pthpla!”
“Fahne!”
Fun Facts about Equestira’s Largest Gumdrop, or E.L.G. as the locals call it!
1.) E.L.G. has proudly received countless awards since its debut, including: ‘Most Daring Use Of Pectin’ from the Marehattan Jelly-Jammers Society; 'Third Largest Dessert In Existence’ from the Equestrian Institute of Contemporary History; and ‘Most Impractical And Ridiculous Use Of Sugar’ for five years running from the Canterlot Culinary Science Foundation.
2.) The same amount of ingredients used to make E.L.G. could also be used to make a single normal-sized gumdrop for every colt, mare and foal living in Equestria. Hope everyone likes lime flavor!
3.) Experts predict that, should E,L.G. tip off balance, nothing save for a small army of unicorns or Celestia herself could stop its rolling path of destruction. Incidentally, Dodge Junction is ten miles due South of where you’re standing. So please refrain from touching E.L.G..
"Hel-lo, beautiful..."
Pinkie couldn’t take her eyes off of the bright green, sugar-coated mountain of formed jelly. She had left the tour group ages ago and just sat before the confection that was nearly as big as Sugarcube Corner.
ELG could barely be contained by the pagoda, it's sugar-crusted top almost brushing the roof. It dominated the room like a sweet green tapestry, so much so that patrons could only be let inside a dozen at a time. Fortunately for Pinkie, the sheer size of ELG gave her the opportunity to ditch the other tourists and get her private audience.
Pinkie had waited for this moment ever since she read the feature article in ‘Sweetzine Magazine’ last year. Time and distance were her only obstacles. Of all the things to happen in the past week, she didn’t even think she’d be anywhere near this place when she was chasing Applejack...
Applejack, she thought. Boy, I’ll bet she’d really love to know how they made this. The off-hand thought started a domino effect in her mind. She suddenly thought of Twilight, then Spike, then Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash...
She thought of Mr. and Mrs. Cake, her home in Sugarcube Corner, Rarity.
As if the thought was a signal to the outside world, Pinkie was startled when she heard the distant yet piercing whistle of the train and the gradual thump of the engine as it pulled out of the station.
Her ears tried desperately to follow the sound of the engine as the rhythm picked up faster and faster. But eventually, no matter how little sound she made, or how high she lifted her ears, the engine was too far to hear.
The inside of the pagoda darkened with the setting sun. Without even thinking, Pinkie wrapped her tail around herself and gave a slight shiver. It somehow felt a little colder.
Pinkie looked back at the overgrown green monstrosity.
Something about it changed for Pinkie. Just looking at the thing made her teeth sting. It looked gross and inedible. She didn't even like the taste of lime anyway.
She signed as her head drooped down.
“It’s just a big piece of candy,” she said aloud.
“Actually, it reminds me of a giant emerald.”
Pinkie jerked her head back up and turned to see Rarity. The unicorn fumbled with her shawl as she offered a small, yet pained smile to the Earth pony. Pinkie nearly bounced in excitement, yet quickly instead darted her eyes back, like she didn’t deserve to look back.
“Uh... hey,” she said.
“Ahem, yes, hey.”
Rarity sat next to Pinkie before ELG. Rarity looked like she was about to say something, but quickly turned back to the gumdrop. After a few more moments of awkward silence Pinkie began to paw at the ground, she then took off the double-juicebox gumdrop hat to scratch at her mane.
“You... missed your train.”
“Yes, well. There will always be another.”
“.... yeah. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, it’s hardly a big deal.”
Rarity suddenly felt the air squeezed out from a crushing Pinkie Pie hug.
“No! I’m really really super-duper mega-ultra extreme-to-the-max sorry! You wanted to go home so bad, and, and I just wanted to see this gumdrop thingie! So then you did, an’ then I did, but then I felt sick an’ I thought it was all those gumdrops I ate! But they weren’t the gumdrops, I’m sick for my hoooooooome!”
Rarity finally got her forelegs free as she pried herself from Pinkie’s vice-like apology hug.
Rarity finally gasped. "Pinkie... it’s... not... your... fault!”
“B-but..”
“It’s mine!” said Rarity, holding Pinkie face and looking into her eyes. “You’ve tried so hard to cheer me up this whole time, and I’ve done is complain. You’ve been so sweet and so kind and always ready to laugh and all you wanted to do was just see this one thing and... I said all those dreadful, nasty things to you. Oh Pinkie I’m so so-”
“Aw, come here you!”
Though Pinkie's second hug was still tight, Rarity was able to hug back.
*Sniff, sniff*
"Pinkie?"
*Sniff... sniff*
The unicorn felt the hot sting of tears as she stroked her friend's pink mane.
*Sniff...*
“Oh, Pinkie, sweetie," whispered Rarity, forcing to keep her voice from cracking. "Please don’t cry. If you start, then I won't be able to stop...”
“Huh? Who’s cryin’?" replied Pinking, sniffing. "Mmmm, you smell like a bakery. Just like home.”
Rarity’s eyes quickly dried as she suddenly found herself glad that Pinkie couldn't see the face she was making.
“Oh. Heh, I guess that’s why I brought the perfume.”
“Makes more sense than my hat.”
“Oh nonsense!”
Breaking from their hug, Rarity levitated Pinkie’s hat and placed it snugly back on the pink pony's head.
“It just screams ‘you,’ darling,” she said.
Pinkie smiled. Big, wide and toothy. The familiar sight made Rarity give a sigh of relief. They then turned their attention back to E.L.G.
Pinkie beamed at E.L.G. Forget about earlier, it looked glorious.
“I must admit,” said Rarity. “I can see why you’d want to see such an impressive feat of candy-making. In its own way, it’s rather artistic. Overwhelming, yet intricate, especially with the sugar placement.”
“Not to mention tasty-looking.”
Rarity crooked her eyebrow at Pinkie, who was licking her lips until she noticed the sudden attention.
“I wasn’t! Er... okay, maybe I was thinkin’ about it... okay okay, I was gonna maybe try a bite when I was alone... two bites.”
They couldn’t help but start giggling. But despite the lightened mood, Rarity couldn’t help but look aside.
“My behavior was so despicable today. It’s times like this I wonder what Applejack would say to me.”
“Aw that’s easy!”
Pinkied sat up, pulling the hat down until it covered her eyes. With a sneered upper lip, she talked in a lower, gravel-y voice.
“Well shut the door and smack my fanny! I reckon y’alls ain’t got no sense for travel no way no how I reckon, I reckon!”
Rarity covered her mouth with her hoof, stifling her snickers.
"Pffft.. hee hee! That’s pfff mmm! not very nice, P-pinkie...”
“Ooo ooo! And then Twilight would be all like...”
Tipping the hat back up, Pinkie then pushed the shades to the tip of her nose. Curving her lower lip up and waving her hoof about, she took on the mannerisms of a schoolmarm in the middle of a boring lecture, with a voice now more higher and more businesslike.
“Dear Princess Celestia, you should always bring sunblock when you're in the desert. Because I read in a book that the sun is really really hot.”
“Ha ha ha! That-that’s so true!”
The two mares leaned on each other to keep from falling over with laughter. After a few moments, they were able to breathe out the last of their giggles.
It was then that Rarity started stealing glances from Pinkie, like she was expecting something else.
“Well?” she finally said.
“Well... what?”
“Can you do Rainbow Dash?”
Pinkie nearly bounced higher than the gumdrop.
“Can I!?”
But before she could get into character, a shrill whistle from outside made Rarity cover her ears. For Pinkie though, it brought stillness and silence.
For about a half second.
“Train, train! We gotta go!”
“But I thought we missed the last one Pinki-EEEE!”
Before she could protest, Rarity found herself lifted up under Pinkie who darted for the pagoda exit.
“It doesn’t matter!” she shouted. “We gotta skedaddle!”
“But what about the gumdrop? What about your moment!?”
“It came and went! This is way more important!”
Outside, with night finally fallen, a pink and white blur zoomed out of the pagoda in the direction of the train station.
“I can’t believe our luck,” huffed Rarity.
“Bout time things finally turned around!”
As they clamored onto the wooden platform, they saw that many of the train cars looked different compared to the ones they’ve been on before. Most notably, they didn’t see a single passenger car.
Seeing the conductor put more speed in their steps as they thundered towards him, ready to ask for a seat, any seat to get them home.
That is, until they saw his face.
They screeched to a stop, blanked faced and open mouthed.
“Aw, pickles,” they said in unison.
“Well, well well,” said the conductor, as he chewed on his toothpick. “If it ain’t a small world after all.”
“B-b-b, but how is this possible?” cried Rarity.
“I transferred to another train, ma’am, quite simple,” said the conductor, a slick layer of sarcasm layering his voice. “Not bad for a ‘fiend’ or a ‘ruffian.’”
Rarity suddenly felt very uncomfortable in her shawl.
“Uh, heh heh. L-look, I may have said one or two things out of turn, and I apologize. But, we’d really like get back to Ponyville, so if it’s possible...”
The conductor tapped the train car before him.
“This is an express train to Ponyville, yes. But ma’am, this isn’t exactly a passenger train, if you get my meaning.”
Rarity quickly took out her bit pouch with her magic. Pinkie did the same, only with her mouth.
“We’ll pay you of course with whatever we have!” said Rarity, shaking the pouch before the conductor. “Please, if there’s anyplace you could put us, anywhere at all. I promise we won’t be a bother.”
The conductor was ready to roll his eyes until he met Pinkie’s. At that moment, puppy dogs and kittens had nothing on her.
“Eh,” he said. “I better not regret this but, keep your money, I may have someplace."
“Welp,” said Pinkie. “We’re finally going home. Lend me a hoof?”
“Of course, dearie.”
Rarity levitated the large trunk Pinkie was pushing up to the top of a neat stack. After about a solid hour of sorting, organizing and stacking, the baggage caboose was finally set in order. Rarity brushed a few more beads of sweat off her forehead while Pinke flopped down on their makeshift bed of a hay pile with two blankets. They carefully folded their souvenirs off to the side, at least Rarity did.
“It may not be first class, or even coach,” signed Rarity. “But at the very least we’ll be home by tomorrow morning.”
“Ha ha! Some vacation, huh?”
“Oh, you just reminded me. I meant to give this to you as sort of an apology.”
As Rarity plucked it from under her folded shawl, Pinkie jumped back up and put a hoof around her travel buddy.
“Aw, Rarity...”
“I insist. Now I know it’s not much.”
Pinkie gasped as Rarity placed it in her hooves.
“You, you got me...”
It was a glamor shot of the monster gumdrop in its full sparkling glory. Overhead it read: ‘Welcome to The Largest Gumdrop In Equestria! The Sweetest Spot on the Frontier! Wish you were here!”
“Rarity?" sniffed Pinkie.
“Yes, honey?”
“THIS IS THE BEST GIFT EVER!”
Even with her ears folded back, Rarity still managed to smile.
“I'm glad to see you like it. Now then, perhaps we should turn in for tonight?”
Pinkie didn't even need time to mull the idea over.
“Nah!” said Pinkie.
“Ha ha, thought so!"
Road to Ponyville
(To the tune of: ‘The Road to Morocco’ or: ‘Road to Rhode Island’)
Both: We’re off on the road back to Ponyville.
This roadtrip has come to an end.
Pinkie: Take it away!
Rarity: From here to there and back again we’ve had us quite a time.
I’ll say it’s been surreal.
Pinkie: Yeah, but it’s hardly been sublime!
Rarity: Too true.
Both: We’re off on the road back to Ponyville.
At least we’re both leaving in style.
Rarity: Speak for yourself.
Pinkie: Hee, hee, I’m with a fashionista with her nose stuck in the sky.
Rarity: Heh, oh yeah? Then you’re a pink fro’d goof who’s on a constant sugar high!
Pinkie: Guilty!
Both: For two mares we sure get around.
But like Twilight’s Winter Wrap-Up, we’re both Ponyville bound!
Rarity: Well, this sure beats walking.
Pinkie: Yeah, but it’s tough on the ‘ol caboose! Ha!
Rarity: I’m being railroaded with puns.
Both: We’re off on the road back to Ponyville.
Our home sweet home away from home.
Rarity: Should danger rear its ugly head we’ll never scream or cry.
Pinkie: Well duh, because The Hub has got our backs at least ‘till season five!
Rarity: Cross your hooves.
Both: We’re off on the road back to Ponyville.
Tonight, we won’t stop ‘til we’re back.
PInkie: Maybe for a snack.
Pinkie: When we get home I’m throwing you a big welcome home bash!
Rarity: How nice. Then after that we’ll spend a week pulling pranks on Rainbow Dash!
Pinky: Sing us home!
Both: We certainly do get around.
But just like Fluttershy being caught outside in a thunderstorm!
We’re both Ponyville bound!
Or like Applejack’s premium apple-cider which you can buy at Sweetapple Acres
for two bits and a song!
We’re both Ponyville bound!
“Pinkie,” said Rarity.
“What?”
“I'd go with Cherry-Changa.”
“Sweet!”
The End
Author's Note
Special thanks to TheBandBrony for the initial edits. More special thanks to Nai Supai and Minjask from The Training Grounds for giving this story the spit and polish it needed.
UPDATE - 3/11/13 - I have to say, every time I see someone new putting this fic down as their favorite, or see how many more have read it, I'm honestly tickled pink. I've made a few more oh so very slight changes to the final story, including finally giving a certain town a well-deserved name of sorts and a few more grammatical improvements. Thanks to everyone who made this story to favorite and for the comments. It's a fun little bonus to an already fun hobby.
