Ice

by a guy with many hats

Rating: mature
Tags: Sad, Romance, Original Character, King Sombra, Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 11171

Sombra, left in a weak body, is scooped up by an explorer who intends to claim his bounty.

After being turned into smoke by the crystal heart, Sombra is thrown out into the surrounding ice fields. And while outside the Crystal Empire a man finds the battered pony and takes him in. Planning to turn him in for a chance at a pleabargin, the two speak, and speak, and speak.

Written at the behest of Kindabrony

Published 2015-01-10 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-13 00:47:31 UTC

Found

I walked towards home, amidst the derelict villages surrounding the Crystal Empire's old borders. A pony tossed over my back, half frozen and barely breathing. "Don't die. Pain in the ass if you do." I rubbed the creature's sides, trying to shake some life back into it. "You understand me? ... Of course not."

I walked over a wall, once standing two meters, but now completely turned into a hill by the snow and ice. The town was completely iced over. Crystal spires once standing tall and proud now buried up to the second floor by the endless snow. I drudged on, walking towards a boarded up window I used as a door. The buildings were frozen, but otherwise in perfect state. The structure's crystal and stone standing well against the constant flurry of ice.

I looked around at the howling icy plain, the far off green of the Crystal Empire a mere spot on the horizon. "Stupid." I pulled my mask down and pushed the door open, the soft crunch of snow leaving me, instead replaced by a loud click as my boots knocked against the crystal floor, a few carpets tossed about to keep me from tracking slush dampened the sound. "Alright, come on." I set the pony down, the black creature stirring as I patted it and gave it a swift slap to the cheek. "I said get up!"

"Ah! What!?" The stallions flung his legs out, scratching them loudly against the floor. "Where am I!?"

I shook my head. "Of course, because who needs to speak German?" I coughed once and pointed up. "House."

The stallion looked up at me, frowning hard. His horn was tiny, growing like a sapling through a tree stump. He glared at me, red eyes bright and bitter. "One of you, grand...." He coughed and sputtered some strange black liquid. "You have--"

"Sombra, beast, all same to me." I was rapidly running out of English to use. "You're valuable, to me at most."

Sombra shook his head. "Perhaps not a Luddite, if only a freak." She tried to get on all fours, his body trembling from the effort. "A sorry sight when your kind is free to walk, yet I'm marked despite my expulsion--"

"I don't care." No matter the language, the tone was clear. "We go in spring, soon coming." I walked up to the stallion and picked him up, slinging him over my shoulders and grabbing his hooves to help keep him balanced. "We eat, it is shit, but will keep you alive."

Sombra wiggled in my grasp. "What? What do you think will keep me from leaving, worm!"

I let him go, the loud thud behind me echoing down the hall. I turned to face him, the glassy hallway I'd come into already growing cold from the wind. I watched him writhe on the ground, slowly stepping out and resting a boot against his throat. "I'm big...you're small. Is simple."

Sombra let out a sharp whine as I eased up. "Oh, so you're not here to play the hero. No...I suppose enough of your kind do that as is!"

I fixed my glasses, the frost starting to thaw and leave them steamed. "My kind is dead. Long dead. I think perhaps you don't like human."

Sombra rolled onto his side and propped himself up with his forelegs. "You animals, you come and think--"

I gently pushed him over with my boot. "Still don't give a shit."

Sombra reeled back. "I will see you in chains!"

I shook my head and went back to the boarded up window. "Shut up, ja? Your screaming will wake the dead." I shoved the window closed. "You're a guest, despite the end goal, you are a guest." I made sure it was jammed shut and grabbed the stallion again. "Be glad I don't fuck your mouth...would surly keep you quiet."

Sombra kicked and squirmed as I started off down the perfectly carved building. "What!? I will end your life--"

"Shut up." I carried him down the steps, deep grooves carved by me to give them some grip. "Still a guest, now behave." I sighed loudly. "First guest I have, and he's an asshole."

"You've been speaking a different language, and that's what you choose to say to me--"

"Am I wrong?" I walked down each step, heavy thuds and jangles following as I moved. The smell of wood smoke filtered in as I kept on, past the steps into the first floor, and down into the basement. The warmest room in the house, and stocked with frozen jars and supplies. "Now sit, or lay, or something." I walked across the large square room, over to a fire pit buried in the wall. I tossed the half alive stallion on a pile of decrepit furs, tossing a few over him to try and get some warmth into his body.

Sombra glared at my hands. "Really? Now you show kindness?"

I huffed and finished wrapping him up. "I could have left you, idiot." I finished up with him and turned to a few bits of wood I'd reclaimed from the surrounding buildings. It didn't burn hot immediately, but it could over time. The wood was noisy as I stacked it up. "Hmm, the infamous Sombra, laying in a pile of fur. This is the start to...how you say, pornography."

Sombra shook his head. "Really? Must you be an absolute cretin?"

I tossed a few hollow sounding chunks into the stone firepit. "I've been alone for two months, and the history books speak of you rather...extensively." I laughed and finished up with my impromptu fire. "A teacher, bending a youn--"

Sombra's eyes lit up. "You shut your heathen mouth!" The room shook under the weight of his voice, dust falling from atop shelves and the ceiling. "You don't talk about him."

I licked my lips. "Hmm, the book say you were raped. I suppose is not--"

"The books were written by ponies looking for reasons to explain me. And you, speculating and--"

"So you were close to him...." I took my gloves off, the synthetic material scratching against my jacket. A box of matches found their way into my hand, clattering around inside before finding itself open and presenting. "I understand." I grabbed the match and flicked it on, the heat zapping my fingers to life before being whisked into a pile of kindling. "Sorry."

Sombra's eyes reflected the growing fire as I turned to him. "An apology? After everything you've said--"

"Is a subject I understand. Being targeted as such." I undid my jacket and hung it on a shelf across from the medium sized room. "If I didn't apologize, I'd be mocking every man I'd spent the night with. So...is not for your sake--"

Sombra stared at the fire, leaving me to dress down into something less cumbersome. "So you are a monster, simply not a hypocrite."

I turned to him with a sour expression. "A monster calling me a monster? Who said what about hypocrite?"

Sombra turned his attention to me. "You think you're funny?"

I pulled over a box, emptied out and soon to be turned into firewood. A quick settle down before the fire and next to Sombra later and I was warmed. "No. I think I'm cold." I held my hands out, letting them gather up what heat they could. The burning sensation was uncomfortable, but far less terrible than the biting cold.

Sombra lowered his head. "Why'd you save me?"

I shook my head. "A way home. You provide a way home." I shrugged. "You are wanted, if found alive. I am wanted, for different reasons. I trade you for me, I go home."

"A thief?"

I shook my head. "A butcher, but not of here. Of far off place."

Sombra turned to me. "A murderer, oh perfection." He looked towards the fire. "I'm willing to concede that we are both monsters then."

"I'm so glad to have your concession. It means a lot to me." I laughed to myself. "Oh god...I'm making jokes to myself to try and keep from going mad." I stopped and rubbed my face. "Oh! Oh! I have use for you." I slapped my knees and stood up. "Where...I did not burn, I hope." I walked up to the shelves that ran along the far right wall, next to the stairs. "Where is, where is, where is...." I rummaged around, grabbing a pot and a can of something. "No-- oh, here it is!" I grabbed a thick hide bound book and looked it over. "Words are unreadable. But, who knows."

Sombra was busy staring at the fire. I walked over and settled back on my box. "Here, read." I tossed the book down to him, slapping it across his hooves. "I cook."

Sombra looked down at the book. "What? Are you--"

I scooted forward and set the jar to thaw. "Entertain me before I look for alternatives." I rubbed my face. "I'm not a good person, nor I think a bad one, but I will not allow myself to lose my mind."

Sombra's eyes traced my hands as I rubbed them together. "You're threatening to rape me?"

"Yes." I bit my finger, trying to get the blood flowing. "And I'm giving you a very easy, very peacful alternative." I looked back to him. "Are you offended?"

Sombra narrowed his eyes. "You're threatening to rape me if I don't read to you. I don't know if I should call you a monster or a special pony."

I shook my head. "Will you just read? You think I'm actually going to touch you...." I laughed into my hand. "Your people are not very attractive to me, and I have no want to be a rapist." I watched the jar blacken with ash. "No want for power, perhaps lust and aggravation, but rape is for the power hungry and mad. Now...read."

Sombra's frown faltered. "So you bluff the henious?"

"Would you have read if I was serious?"

Sombra shook his head. "A modicum of respect, although I'm skeptical that respect is the right word." He carefully reached his hooves out from under the furs to bat at the pages. "Ponies are easily scared when their virginity is threatened. When posed with a life of labor or a life as a concubine, it was much easier to force them to mine."

I felt myself frown. "This is hardly labor--"

"But the idea is the same." He turned to face me. "Already...I can tell you're like me, uncomfortably so." He turned to the fire. "Sex has always been an easy threat. Somehow ponies will face death before they face their pride."

I bit my lip and pulled the half thawed jar away with the pot. "I wouldn't know." I put my gloves back on and forced the jar lid off. "I was never a dictator, or a slaver artist."

Sombra flinched as a load of what looked like pickled fruit plopped into the pot. Lewdly splattering against the base of the black pot. "Hmm. You've--"

"No." I stuck the pot in the fire, the smell of brine filling the air. "I've never had interest in women, and the men I've hunted received no threats as such." I flexed my hand around the pot. "There was no need."

Sombra huffed and looked down to his new book. "Its effective, I'm sorry to say I've faced worse, so you'll have to come up with a new threat."

I licked my lips. "I've heard good things about torture."

Sombra shook his head. "No, no, you end up with a cripple. Threaten families, sexual organs, eyes."

I pulled the pot out, the melted swill gooey and thick. "This smells like pig urine...."

Sombra frowned. "Hmm.... I wouldn't know."

I set the pot down and rubbed my face. "You've talked a lot considering."

Sombra huffed and turned back to the fire. "As have you."

"Being alone, you seek out communication." I frowned hard, enough for me to notice my vision blacken around the tops. "Where were you? I mean...shit, I mean between the return and now."

Sombra sighed and stretched out his leg. "Away, I'm not actually sure where."

"Alone?"

Sombra nodded. "And if not, I'm doubtful I would've been well met."

I scoffed and swung the pot around between us. "Here...to monsters of civil conversation and vast loneliness." I pinched my nose as the fire crackled. "I have enjoyed having someone to talk to...despite the vitriol nature of our arrangement."

Sombra looked into the pot. "You exchanging my crimes to pardon yours? It is a bit heinous." His muzzle crinkled up around the joining of his face. "...I'm not eating that."

I leaned back and grunted. "You have something better?"

Sombra looked around the room. "I'm not sure. Depends on where we are."

I bopped the pot on the ground. "Then until that time, you eat."

"You don't want me to read?" He asked, slowly gaining enough strength to push off his forelegs. "Wasn't it read or be raped?"

I shook my head. "You're not the monster I'd expected. Or perhaps you are, but you hide it well." Now eat, speak, stave off the madness."

Underground

I squeezed Sombra against me. The unconscious stallion still able to help force the icy cold out of my fingers. "...What in the love of Luna are you doing?"

I groaned and adjusted myself, the stallion playing little spoon still wrapped in furs. "I'm freezing--"

"I can tell, now get your disgusting appendages away from my stomach!" Sombra tried to get his feet under him. I held him in place, refusing to lose my source of finger warming heat. "Let go--"

"Fuck you!" I dug my hands into the furs I'd wrapped him up in. "I saved your fucking life, pay me back!"

Sombra tried to kick free of the fur bundle. "Stop! For the love of--" I felt something oddly hot press against the backs of my fingers.

"Oh Jesus...." I slid my hands up Sombra's stomach, refusing to lose my hand warmer. "That was a cock...you shameless fuck--"

"Shut your heathen mouth!" Sombra tried to shove me away with his back. "Let me--"

"Shut the fuck up!" I headbutted the back of his neck. "It's too early and too cold for your shit...."

Sombra huffed and sputtered. "I told you to let me go!"

"Shut up...."

"Don't you--"

"No, cold. The fire is out, I can't afford to start another one until later." I squeezed Sombra close to me, refusing to lose my new heater. "Do you have a better idea?"

A loud huff filled the room. "Where are we?"

"I don't know." I closed my eyes and laid down against the floor. "Does it matter?"

Sombra hissed at me. "It might, you daft fool!" He tried to kick his legs out yet again. "I had bunkers dug under my cities--"

"What!?" I pulled my hands free and scooted back.

Sombra rolled over and looked up at me. "Find out where we are, we might be near one."

"Why would you not tell me this sooner!?" I jumped up and grabbed my head. "What is wrong with you!? You have places under your cities, with food, water, what?!"

Sombra shook himself hard. "Food, water, armor, weapons, beds. Everything I would have needed to survive a coup." He stood up, thin and lanky as ever. "And what kind of monarch would I have been if I didn't have all these? I mean, I was hated and despised, you didn't think I was completely oblivious did you!"

I shrugged. "I don't know crap about monarch secrets!" I turned to the stairs. "You listen to me, if you have a place better than this--"

"It would certainly be warmer--"

I spun in place a few times, pacing and trying to figure out what to say next. I pointed at him, dead between the eyes. "I will fuck you in the ass until you squeal if you're right!"

Sombra leaned back. "Is that a threat or--"

"It's a promise!"

"Again, can't tell if you're trying to threaten me or not--"

"I am not." I crossed my arms.

Sombra's eyes glazed over slightly. "You're saying you're going to fuck me if I help you find the hideout. That seems like a threat."

I shook my head. "No, this is a threat. Unless you find me the bunker, I will shove broken glass into a jar and jam your cock inside it! That's a fucking threat!"

Sombra just glared at me, thick mane still gangly and stringy. "Question...if I help you find this place, can you not fuck me?"

I rolled my eyes. "Here I thought you would take me up on the offer--"

Sombra limped over to me. "I barely know you--"

"Yes. I'm not proposing. Sex is sex, caring about the person you're having sex with is quite different!"

Sombra licked his lips. "Exactly how long have you been out here?"

I sighed loudly. "Long enough to start losing my mind."

Sombra nodded. "I can tell. Now pick me up and bring me to the surface. We can discuss payment afterwards."

"After food." I ducked down and held my hands back. "Climb."

Sombra trotted over. "Bipedal freaks that you are, I will say height must have its advantages."

"Don't start with me horse person. Only good thing about you is wasted on a sis." I held him in place on my back and started up towards the stairs.

"What? What was that!?" Sombra leaned over my shoulder. "What did you just say!? Stop speaking devil talk!"

I huffed and charged out of the basement, immediately assaulted by bitter frost. "I said being a horse means bigger dick, yet it is lost on--"

"Stop talking about my genitalia!" Sombra slammed his head into mine. "Lunatic!"

I shook my head to try and disperse the pain. "I'll take care of it when I'm not in danger of having it freeze off! Until then just find this place you need!" I hurried through the crystal halls, my boots nearly freezing to the floor with each step. I huffed and snarled as I hurried towards the exit. "I hate this place, I hate this place so much, hate."

Sombra snarled, his breath shooting out over my shoulder. "I don't regret a thing. The princesses overstepped their bounds, it was lose everything or send it to ice."

"Vindictive to the end." I shook my body, the frost already pulling any warmth I'd stolen from Sombra away. I hurried to the top floor and carefully pulled my window escape open. The howling frostbitten wind threw shards of ice against my face. I shook my head hard. "Hood, put my hood up!"

Sombra nipped at my hood, eventually grabbing it and ripping it away. "You'll get your hood when you find it!"

I snarled angrily and stepped out into the icy land beyond the window. "What are we looking for?!" I looked out over the endless white, only a few dark spires breaking the immediate skyline. "Blind pissing cold!"

"Shut up!" Sombra slammed his muzzle against my head. "Tallest tower in the town, it would be there."

I looked around, half blind as the snow tore against my skin. "I can't see shit." I walked in the vague direction of a taller structure jutting from the white. Sombra looked around, noticeably swinging around my back. "Where?"

Sombra leaned forward over my shoulder, coat peppered with frost. "Forward, towards that spire fifty meters ahead."

I held my hand to shield my face. "How can you even see?! Pig shit." I carried forward, blindly charging towards some shadowed pillar in the distance. The spire slowly came into sight. Bright silver crystal with a few wooden covered windows. "What--"

"Well, break in! Bust the window, get in!" Sombra pulled tight against my back. "It's freezing out here, now hurry!"

"I'll bust you!" I hurried over and kicked at the frozen wooden shudders. "Son of a bitch, break!" I felt like all the pleasure of any food, any warmth, anything nice I'd had was quickly pulled away into the whirling ice. I leaned into a kick, sending my foot straight through the shudders and into the warmer stagnant air beyond. "Mine now!"

I kicked and shoved my way into the building. Everything felt damp, the air, the waxy peel on my boots, the smell of thaw was ripe in the room. "Heat, I feel heat." Sombra bounced on my back. "Down, go down! Find stairs!"

I shook my head and raced over to the walls, eventually I found the steps down, covered by a tipped over book case. I did my best to pry up the shelves, eventually making just enough room to fit down. Sombra wiggled his way down after me, still as limp as a spring lamb straight from the womb. "So, you think this--"

"If the air is damp, yes, and the way must be open." Sombra settled back down on my back and looked towards the next set of stairs. "Must be Shard, Shard Library."

I shook my head and raced down the carved crystal steps. "Doesn't matter." My body started to grow sweaty as the humidity rose. It seemed like the slightest change in temperature would freeze the room solid. Floor by floor, room by room, we made our way downward, towards the distant heat.

Sombra kept his head up, the frost on his face melting slowly and dripping down against my head. "Well, which--"

"Keep going down." Sombra flicked his ears back. "I'll know it when we get there!"

I hurried down, deeper and deeper into the crypt. The smell of copper tinted the air as I hurried down towards a flooded room. "Running water? How--"

"A pipe must have burst." Sombra huffed softly. "I hope it's not cold."

I groaned loudly. "It will be." I nodded slowly. "Oh it will be." I took a deep breath, the waist high water was indeed dripping down from a burst out hole in the wall. "So, what--"

"Be quiet! There should be a lever somewhere, or a button...." He kept mumbling, leaving me to look around the half dark room. A small lamp was still spitting pale light.

I took a deep breath and dipped down into the tepid water. "I'm going to guess it's the thing that still has power." I waded through the surprisingly warm water, although warm was a stretch. I walked over to the wall lamp. "Well, Mr. Magic, do your thing."

Sombra grumbled angrily, his dark red magic taking hold of the lamp. He gave it a solid twist. The lamp just broke and came off the wall. Sombra looked at me with an extremely heavy grimace. "I told you...lever. These weren't really secret."

I grumbled right back and looked around again. "Well then, where would it be?"

Sombra sighed loudly. "Under a desk?"

I shook my head. "How can you-- Jesus." I caught myself thigh first on something under the water. I leaned against it, my gloves growing damp as I tried to keep from falling. "Found it...I think." I slid my hand over the smooth surface, moss and algea stuck to the underside as I looked for any secret buttons. "It--"

"It would be on the top, in plain sight." Sombra started to sound more annoyed than angry. "Government buildings, they would always be under my control, making obvious escapes would save time if I did need to leave, and an interior lock is always safer."

I ran my hand over the top of the desk. The lever was on the right side, and as soon as it switched on the far wall opened up. "You know, putting it under the desk would have taken up less space. Idiot."

Sombra snarled at me as I followed the rush of water. "I don't like when you speak that dirt language!"

I shook my head and stepped into a large room with a drain, slowly chugging the excess water away. "And I don't ca--" I stopped dead as another door opened. A neatly kept hallway, completely devoid of cold or frost clouding, sat before me. "God in heaven."

"Again, dirt language." Sombra peeked ahead. "But, seems like you've had your--"

"Jaaa! Ja!" I screamed, charging forward into the square room. "Das ist-- shit!" I looked down the halls, the air warm and dry despite my current sopping state. "Heat! Feel it!? Heat! Actual non fire heat!"

Sombra sighed roughly. "Yes, yes, heat. Now perhaps--"

I carried him along as I looked through the halls. Room after room filled the spacious walkway. "How big?"

"Big enough to hold thirty ponies for five years if need be." Sombra laid his chin on my head. "Should have food, water, heat. It's not a palace, but it's close."

I walked slowly down. "Bed?"

"Yes, should have seperate--"

"Where?" I hurried my pace, running down the long hall and around the corner. "Where?!"

"Learn to read and find out.... Plebeian." Sombra looked at the plaques that lined the walls. "Here, here's one. Not mine...but a--"

I looked to the door and kicked it off the hinges. My leg ached from the sudden impact. The room inside was warm, lit by a glowing crystal in the ceiling. A massive crystal frame with a simple mattress with furs thrown over the fine cotton bed. "Holy shit...." I took a deep breath and turned around.

"A sad day when this is impressive to you." Sombra looked back. "And is now the time for sleep? Surly food--"

"AAaaaaah-ha!" I threw Sombra off my back and onto the bed. "Ja! Ja! Yes! Du ist ein ubermensch! Fucking superman! Ja!" I kicked my leg out and tore my gloves off. "It's warm! There's an actual bed! I can't believe it!"

Sombra rolled onto his stomach. "I do agree, it's a nice change from the frost. But you need to calm you--"

"Shut up!" I pointed at him and pulled my jacket off. "Don't ruin--"

"Stop cutting me off you jackrabbit psychotic!" Sombra tried to stand up, only managing to get his forelegs off the ground. "You're spinning in--" I cut him off and dropped to my knees before him. "Um...hell--" I grabbed the back of his head and brought him into a quick kiss. He yanked his head back immediately, but I had no intention of holding him down. "Lunatic--"

I fell backwards and sat down. "Shut up...just, Ja!" I raised my arms and slowly laid back against the warm crystal floor. "Thank you my friend...thank you." I let out a long groan as I flopped down on the floor. "The cold is gone...thank god."

Sombra coughed loudly. "Grand, now perhaps you can help me! I need to eat."

I took a deep breath, the lack of icy burn making me laugh instinctually. "Ja, yes. Okay." I rubbed my face, my nose still cold compared to the rest of my now warming body. "Food, food, rest, defrost. I can do this."

"Oh, well I'm glad you have the capacity of a foal!" Sombra glared at me. "And do not touch me without permission you--"

I sat upright and wiped off my lips. "You need me to feed you, perhaps you could try to be more pleasant."

"I'll be pleasant when you act usfu--"

"We could be back-" I flexed my arms before me, stretching out my shoulders. "-in the basement, frozen. You could still be drifting in the snow. You could be dead.... Only saying."

Sombra lowered his eyes to the corner of the room. "If you're expecting a thanks, you'll receive none."

I laughed softly. "That's fine. Bed is reward enough." A loose coo fluttered from my lips. "I'm so happy right now...." I looked up to the red eye'd stallion. "Thank you my friend, honestly."

Sombra turned away. "As opposed to false thanks?" He huffed softly. "...Yes.... You're.... Welcome. Now help me before I bucking starve!"

Food

I sat in a large room with perfectly carved counters jutting out of the center. Shelves and pantry space were carved into the walls and a strange room with a metal door acted as a single giant freezer and refrigerator. I hurried into the room, grabbing what I could and what didn't stick of preservation or ice burn.

Fruit, hay, strange grasses and plants sat preserved on every shelf. "This is amazing...." I hurried out into the kitchen again, left to enjoy the warm ambient air of the room, my bare body still slightly damp from my slog through the swamp. I knocked a strange red fruit against a counter, causing a loud glassy thud to echo around the room. I looked at the still frozen fruit. "Hmm.... Sombra, where is heat!? Cooker, something!"

I walked out into the next room, a wide dining room with an actual wood dining table spanning end to end. "What? It's the--" Sombra stopped dead as I walked in. "Alright...I've not seen many of your people, now, you're the first I've seen naked, and that, that is horrifying."

I looked down at my naked body, my only addition a pair of thick boots. "What? I left my clothes to dry."

Sombra closed his eyes and groaned. "You know, most mammals let theirs fall back into their sheaths, you, your kind--"

I looked down at myself. "It's not bad.... Do I intimidate you? Sorry, I would have though a horse would have been hung better." I turned back to the kitchen, leaving Sombra's lame body to wait for me. I honestly didn't care what he said, or even how he said it. I was warm, I was about to be fed, and I could shed the thirty pounds of thick clothing I'd been wrapped in for a month.

The freedom helped to soothe my half melted brain. Too long alone, too long frozen, I'd started to lose my mind and no sooner had I stepped in and thrown Sombra on the bed had I realized how mad I was going. "Sombra, can you--"

"What!?"

I set the food down on the counter and stretched my neck. "Sorry!"

"Shut up! I don't care what you're talking about, or what you think you did, but food first!"

I popped my eyes open and hummed. "Fair enough." I stretched my arms and looked around the pantry wall. "What am I looking for?"

"An oven, idiot!"

I looked at the strange shelves and pits carved into the wall. "It's not my fault if I can't recognize an oven in this crystal castle bullshit." I found a metal grate sitting in an alcove with a funnel overhead. "What even is this?! Medieval crap." I slid the metal grate into the alcove, letting it catch on a small ledge on the sides of the wall. "How did any species advance to modern ages...this would have quashed any inspiration for advancement for me."

I looked back to the doorway. "Firewood?"

"Storage-- Are you really having this much trouble!? How is your kind alive!?"

I huffed angrily and leaned my head into the room. "By fucking yours, taking them as wives and lovers, and impregnating them until they do our bidding, now shut up and help me!"

Sombra glared at me from over the long table. "That is a joke...right?"

I shrugged. "To my knowledge the princess of your land has a human husband...and a child half pony half man, assumptions were made, jokes too perhaps."

Sombra's scowl was visible from the fifty feet of the table. "This...disgusts me...."

I slowly walked over. "I'd imagine procreation would be a rather messy subject for you. Surly a king, however gay, would have--"

"I was undying." Sombra glared at me as I sauntered over. "I didn't need succession."

I shrugged and scooped him up, letting him straddle my back just as before. "I don't think it matters then. You might just-- Uh, you may just be a racist."

Sombra snarled at me. "Crossbreeds have always disgusted me. Celestia had several in the centuries I was aware of her. Dragon blooded ponies...are those still around? A menace, all of them."

I carried Sombra into the kitchen. "As opposed to two grown males, naked in a crystal hall."

Sombra nudged my head towards a door buried in the far wall. "You know, it's not so much your nudity I find horrendous, it's the boots. What did I see it called...cow-men, or something along those lines."

I laughed gently and hurried over to the door. Coals and firewood sat neatly binned or stacked. "Cowboy? Well, the boots are odd. But, better to be in soggy boots than to have my flesh freeze to the ground."

"Oh, oh yes, the freezer...." Sombra nodded. "And as much as I wish you a great amount of pain in the near future, you have uses."

I grabbed a few coals and took them back to the basic oven. "Pragmatic. And as much as I would love to turn you in and clear my name, I do think staying here and enjoying the warm would be better for my mental state."

Sombra huffed as I waddled back and set him on the counter. "You seemed rather pent u--"

"Still am." I shook myself and tossed a few coals into the firepit. "Just less impulsive and far less agitated now that freezing to death isn't such an impending danger." I sighed loudly as a nice stack of coal sat in the oven pit. "PTSD from being frozen to death. Never a good time."

"Can you stop speaking that mud language!?"

"Can you suck my dick!?" I swung around to face him. "English is not my first language! Do you realize how difficult it is to process what you're saying in my brain!? I think in German, you say things, I think, then they make sense!"

"If I did would you shut your flapping mouth!?" Sombra screamed, voice echoing down the halls. "I don't care! You speak like a drunk, or some backwater earth pony in the third century!"

I nodded slowly. "So...how they say, elephant in the room, you just agreed to blow me if I shut up?"

"Making a point--"

I threw my hands up. "Alright, and I really don't think I could take you up on that offer." I went back to the fire pit. "Talking is doing more for my brain than sex ever could."

Sombra laid down across the counter and jammed his hooves into his ears. "Well could you at the very least talk about something relevant!?"

I managed to find a flint and work at getting a fire started. "Fine, how would you like a spit roast! There, sex pun and food!"

"Your mind is in the gutter you--"

"You got a boner from a hug!"

We both stared at each other, eyes locked in a heated staring contest. Sombra snorted and turned away. "I did.... The last physical contact I had was several centuries ago, so forgive that."

I bit my lip and went back to trying to light a fire. "Last time I was in that sort of situation I was still in Russia. Konigsberg. Pieces of shit...."

Sombra made a loud clicking noise with his tongue. "You seem, legitimately bitter...."

I managed to start up a small fire, growing quickly as it engulfed a coal. "Because I am. Monsters started policy against what I am. Uh, how say this. Anti homosexual."

Sombra's eye twitched. "Your people truly are horrid creatures aren't they?"

I licked my lips. "Depends on where you go. Poland wasn't terrible. Germany was...interesting. Neatherlands were, uh." I rubbed my face and sat back, my ass cold when placed against the crystal ground. "I saw a man being mounted by a woman, who in turn was being sodomized." I took a deep breath. "I don't think I'm going to go back there."

Sombra looked down at me. "How? How in the love--"

"Strapon." I scratched my head, a deep frown sitting like a sewage plant on a river. "It was green...."

Sombra shook his head slowly. "Not even going to ask."

I nodded. "It was the day men moaning became horrid." I scratched up and down the parting line in my hair. "Forever will that sight be tied to that sound."

"It's never really an attractive thing, moaning."

I watched the fire roar. "It was--"

"Have you ever heard the dying moans of a pony impaled on a lance?" Sombra's face twisted up into the kindest look I'd seen on him. "I say again, moaning is not a pleasant noise."

"I have not." I tossed a few pieces of age old fruit onto the grill. "And I suppose if that is your...frame of reference. No--"

"Mud speak again--"

I slammed my hands down on the counter. "What is mud speak!?"

Sombra rolled his eyes and stretched his still weak legs. "I suppose it's a reference lost on you. You speak an old Earth Pony language. I had it eradicated in my lands, unifying the language was actually something done before I,"- sombra lifted his hooves and made air quotes -"went mad."

I watched the fruit thaw out, the heat warming my stomach, groin, and face. "Well, I cannot judge." I fished the fruit out with a stick and made sure they were safe to touch. "I know your crimes, most of them. Mine, not as bad, but--"

"Cut to the chase. You've been holding it back, and you're twitching at the words."

I looked back over to him. I jammed a piece of fruit onto his horn, sending him cringing away as it stuck. "Three murdered in a Konigsberg church. All three of them politicians passing anti gay agenda." I took a bite of the sweet meal, the flavor rolling over my tongue delightful when backed by my month of eating pickled food. "I'll assume you can figure out who did it."

Sombra's horn fizzled as he tried to get his magic around the fruit on his horn. "I can't get this off.... Why would you do this?!"

"You're not even listening." I leaned against the counter. "Are you?"

"It's stuck on my damn horn! Why would you stick a Wicken on my horn!?" Sombra reached up with his good hoof and tried to shove it off. "You're an anus!"

I looked at the near fresh fruit in my hand. "Perhaps. Maybe next time a little kindness will be shown to my plight."

"Fuck your plight, get this off my head!" Sombra turned to me with teeth bared. "I will eat your heart if you don't show--"

I leveled a tired look at me. "You have an apple jammed against your forehead...are you so crippled that you can't really remove it?"

Sombra grew red. "You think this is a game!?"

I nodded slowly. "I am underground, eating a fake apple, naked, with a horse with the mane of a lion. I do think this is rather absurd, if not a game." I took another bite. "I am also face to face with someone whom I will put to bed. So, yes, it really is a game."

Sombra sighed loudly and lowered his head. "It is going to end in a bed...isn't it?"

I shrugged. "Spartan austerity will eventually end in another Greek past time."

Sombra groaned loudly. "You know the word, austerity, yet you speak like a peasant! What is this...am I dead? Am I in some fever dream drifting out in the snow?"

"I was planning to come to America before Equestria became a prospect." I took a deep breath and turned to the pile of food I'd pulled from the freezer. "Now, will you be fine here? Can I go--"

"Get the damned Wicken off my head before I lose my mind!"

I slammed my fruit against the very tip of his horn. "Better?"

Sombra glared at me with one eye, the other blocked by the kebab on his head. "I'm going to end your life."

"How?"

"I'll find a way."

"Then who will cook for you? Cripples such as you must be tended to." I patted his head and pulled the fruit away. "Now calm down, we have beds. There is no reason to be angry."

Sombra looked up and watched his horn drip. "I can see one very good reason to be angry."

I set the fruit down before his head. "Where? I see food, I see companion, I see beds, I feel warmth." I popped my fingers up. "I see a colt to fit around me, I see a home for years, and again I see a bed."

Sombra breathed very, very slowly. "I suggest you cut the shit--"

"I suggest you stop threatening me. It's starting to lose impact."

"I will fuck your ass!"

"Do it!" I thrust my chest out towards him. "Stand!"

Sombra glared at me, looking me up and down. "Making fun of a hurt stallion make you feel big?"

I crossed my arms and grabbed some frozen hay and a pot. "No--"

"Don't...if you're going to call yourself big, don't. I've seen you, it's...cute." Sombra smiled wide. "Oh, oh, did that hurt?"

I scratched my cheek, my lips turned down hard. "We eat...we sleep...we stop being hateful. Deal?"

Sombra looked off to the door into the hall. "I wasn't being hateful, I was merely stating facts. It is, cute."

I pointed to him, wanting to say something evil. "You're-- I-- We're even...the dick joke, the horn apple, we're even."

"Cook, then you can call us even."

Shame

I jumped awake. "Wha-- fuck!?" I rolled out of the bed, landing hip first onto the floor. "Auuurgh, son of a bitch!" I rolled onto my stomach, my body chilled by the cold floor and warmed by the blankets wrapped around my back. "Where?!"

I snapped awake again, this time laid flat on my back in a bed. I looked around, the silvery ceiling overhead dark and smooth. I looked over at the button to turn them on. "...What?" I sat upright. "Did I just...dream about waking?" I scratched my head and stretched my arms. "What even is wrong with me?" I laughed softly and laid back down. "First night back in bed, I dream about falling out of bed while being in bed."

I stood up and stretched my legs. My still naked body pale and soft. I wrapped the sheet around me like a cloak and turned to the door into the hall. My stomach needed to be filled again, my clothes needed to be fetched, and I needed to wash up. "Aaaaugh, I need to be clean! I need to be clean! Clean me!" I looked around the smooth crystal room, the bed mangled, sheets tossed about. "Who am I talking to?" I shook my head and stepped out into the warm crystal hall.

A strange damp slurping came from my side. "What? Hello?" I turned around, the hall was zooming outward. Moments later a wall was rushing back towards me with the speed of a super-car. "Oh shi--"

"Aaaah--*fuck!" I rolled onto my stomach, the room warm and full of rattling as I scrambled to my feet. "Where!? *What is this!?" I grabbed my head. "Where!? Sombra!?"

I waited, standing with my arms out and my cock shriveled up in fear. The room stayed calm, my blankets thrown to the floor where I was laying, the bed stripped bear as I rolled off. "What the hell? Dreams...no." I rubbed my head, my heart still racing from the strange waking dreams. I sighed loudly and sat down on the edge of the large crystal pit bed I'd slept on, the mattress stuffed with what felt like cotton or wool, soft and supportive but, soft still.

I took a deep breath and took stock of my life. I was indeed alive, the walls weren't collapsing, I could count, I could read or attempt to read a book I'd found in the room, and my penis was just as small as I'd expect after the sudden surge of fear. "Alright...it's real." I rubbed my arms again. "Feels real at least...hopefully it's real."

I stood up and went over to the door, into the hall, and took a look around. The walls weren't closing in, there was no flood of water going to erupt and kill me, nothing. "Sombra?" I looked down the hall of domicile doors. "Which one?" I stretched my neck. I walked down the line, each room quiet, completely silent in fact.

"Spooky." The loud thud of my boots on the hard crystal floor gave me an eery sense of cold war paranoia. My father's old stories about bunker work slowly creeped into the magical land as I walked along. All I needed was a soviet uniform and a gun and this would have been the perfect representation of World War Three in ponyland.

My brain flitted through the idea of soviet style ponies, dressed in jackboots and olive uniforms. Red flags flying over the spires that dotted Equestria gave me goosebumps. "Sombra?! Where are you!? Where are you!?" I figured he would get the message that I needed to get to him if I was screaming in German. "Sombra you dick!"

I stopped at a closed dark wood door. A soft grunting came from within. "Oh...found him." I grabbed the door handle and peeked inside. An identical room, bunker stock standard with a nicer bed. Sombra was sat on his haunches, cock between his own lips. He was hunched over rather severely, but still he was able to force his head down between his legs and around his own cock. Eyes were closed, legs splayed, he was truly relaxed and by the bobbing head, enjoying himself.

I watched from behind the door. Sombra was lost in his own head, poking his throat with his other. I stifled a laugh as he let out a little moan, his leg twitching softly. It was both adorable and a bit horrid, but above all that else, I had to do my best not to laugh. I, had given a blowjob, I had received, but this was spectacular. "Jesus Christ...nooooo." My voice was high pitched but near silent, and my no was trailed by a slight chuckle. "Oh no...oh god."

Sombra forced his eyes shut as his lower leg started throbbing, the black meat squeezing out cum into his own mouth. A soft grunt filled the room as he fed himself like some homosexual ouroboros. I felt my eyes tighten up as I tried to keep from laughing. Sombra's eyes opened downward, closing again as a shot of cum spurted out of his nose.

I turned away, my eyes watering at the noise of Sombra loudly slurping at himself. I held my nose closed, slowly suffocating myself to keep from dying. I leaned back, causing the door to snap shut. "Fuck--" I turned away and started laughing. My nose hurt as I let go, my brain stuck on the image of cum dripping out of Sombra's nose. My voice went from its usual mid tone to a high pitched harping.

I leaned my head against the door, my lungs aching, my chest heaving as I tried to control myself. The king had just busted a load right into his own mouth and back out his nose. I could only imagine the times he'd been blasted, coated from black to white by stallions in chains. The backwardness of it all was too much. "I'm king! Now fuck my ass!" I hit the door, my entire body tight and my eyes burning harshly. "Oh god...I can't--"

"Buck yourself! Buck you!" Sombra threw himself against the door. "Move!"

I backed up, watching the door fling open. Sombra stood bitter and angry, his lips damp, his nose still dripping cum. "Oh god...stop." I put my hands over my eyes. "Stop...you're killing me!" My chest hurt like crazy as Sombra glared at me. "Stop it! It hurts!"

Sombra just stood there, staring. "I will kill--"

"You already are!" I took a few deep breaths through my nose. "Fuck-- fuck.... Okay, I'm okay." I rubbed my chest and cleared my eyes. "Oh my god...you are the gayest person I know."

Sombra's eyes shot open. "You threatened to fuck my ass!"

I nodded. "I know, I don't give you this award lightly. All you're missing is the tiny skirt and the bicycle."

Sombra cocked his head. "What? Bicycle?"

I shook my head. "Girls back home...don't worry." I rubbed my eyes. "Oh god...I needed that." I coughed into my hand, more of a half laugh. "Okay...you want to bathe?"

Sombra sighed loudly. "Next time don't do that...private time is precious."

I nodded. "Apparently." I pointed to him. "But hey, you're standing."

Sombra looked away. "I suppose I am."

I nodded, still smiling. "Now I'm going to wash and dry my clothes, you want to come? Food afterwards."

Sombra sighed loudly. "If we get out of this, if.... If I can regain my power and everything, please don't tell anypony...."

I nodded. "Between you and I." I held my arm out to the hall. "Now, would you-- would you like to clean your mouth out?"

Steam

I let out a long sigh, sitting naked in a large room with a pool at the bottom of a set of bleacher style benches carved into the wall. The entire room was full of steam, a large pile of coals sitting in the middle of the pool on a small pedestal were giving off all the heat you could ever need, and the crystal of the room had absorbed just enough to be comfortable without melting your flesh.

Sombra stepped in from the hall out into the antechamber to the bath. "You know, male to male, it feels so good to shit and piss in peace." He walked in and walked around the base of the bleachers. "...I feel that came out--"

I shook my head. "Vulgar and disgusting, but true." I leaned back against the wall of the room. "Toilet paper is a god-sent, a uh.... gift from god." I relaxed against the crystal-work benches carved into the ground. "Oooh shit, this is wonderful."

Sombra lowered himself into the water. "Days were spent planning these hideouts, I'd hope they live up to a peasants expectations."

I laughed heavily. "Don't even care...you...you can go fuck yourself with the coals." I went slack against the warm crystal. "Shit, how long was this in the same town?" I groaned gently and sat upright. "You know, maybe next time we're freezing to death for three days, you'll mention a giant underground heater sooner."

Sombra swam around his bath like a dog, paddling along with his hooves. "A what?" His voice was more of a growl than any type of civil conversation.

I rolled my wrist. "A-- you'd think my English would get better the more I use it." I scratched my damp hair. "A... you know.... a heater."

Sombra stood on two hooves to keep above water. "Heizung?"

I shrugged. "I don't know how to say it in English. Wärme? Warmth, heat?"

"An underground warm?" Sombra cocked his head. "A heater?"

I snapped my fingers. "Yes-- fuck!" The snap echoed around the room. "... Huh, odd. Ja, a heater I think is what they call a heater."

Sombra swam over to the edge and hopped back onto the floor, looking like a sheep dog. "You keep talking in circles! I don't know if it's the right word, I don't know what you're saying!" He stepped up towards me, staying a few levels below me. "Are all your people this stupid!?"

"Fuck you!" I stood up and held my arms out. "Come up here and say that to my face! I'll fuck you until you scream my name!"

Sombra threw his head back, slapping his side with his wet mane. "I don't even know your name!"

I cocked my head. "I-- I haven't told you...have I?" I scratched my head and walked down towards him, carefully descending the rubber steps laid into crystal frames in the ground. "Hmm, I suppose when freezing to death is a constant threat you forget common pleasantries."

Sombra leaned forward and shook his head. "What?"

"Ensel." I sat down before him. "My name is Ensel."

Sombra sighed loudly and walked up to my level. "Your kind have odd names, don't they?" He sighed and sat down next to me. "King Sombra Flak of North Diaosis."

I looked over at the red eye'd fuck. "Sombra Flak?"

Sombra frowned and showed his teeth. "Eh, I know. My father invented some of Equestria's first cannons. He was given the name Flak in honor of the rounds he created." He shook his head and laughed. "Nothing quite like watching a crystal empire shell explode."

"Oh?"

Sombra smiled and closed his eyes. "They burst when they hit the target and shower it in crystal shards. I've only ever seen them used on the griffons once, after that we simply had to stockpile them and we could avoid war for years."

"Nuclear deterrent." I rubbed my chin. "Do you know what Russia is?"

Sombra shook his head. "Do you know what the Venn Dynasty--"

"It's not a competition. I'm just asking." I rubbed my forehead. "You're describing something that happened on Earth. Cold war, nineteen eighty." I shook my head hard. "Was bad years for us."

Sombra looked up at me, his normal glare still there. "Us? What us?"

"Uuh, people from East Prussia." I rubbed my mouth. "Went from true Germans to Russians. Such a shame."

Sombra rolled his eyes. "How little I care. Your history sounds as dull as you a--"

I stood up and turned to face him. "God forbid we have thousands of years to develop and decide not to stick with archaic monarchies for millennia! How old is Equestria? Too old to be using kings and queens and cannons!"

"I haven't exactly been around for the past few centuries!" Sombra stood up and glared up at me, barely reaching my ribs with his horn. "You seem to forget that banishment is a very real concern for us--"

I leaned forward.

Sombra snarled angrily. "Right in the middle of me talking...right on my nose."

I stepped back. "You're really at a bad height here." I laughed heavily. "Oh-- that was funny."

Sombra's glare could melt steel, eyebrows arched completely downward, eyes wide open and bright red, frown heavy with a single tooth showing over his lip. Black and green were bleeding in from the edges of his eyes. "I could crush your head like a grape."

I nodded slowly. "Then do it. Honestly, at this point I don't think there's much I could do to stop you." I sat back and looked towards the coals. "You'd just be here, alone, waiting. And waiting. Oh, did I mention the waiting? All alone--"

"Point made!" Sombra walked before me. "I don't like it anymore than anypony else!" He glared at me then turned to face the coals. "I already tried the direct approach at taking back my kingdom too...went floating for another year and a half, then...I don't even know how long its been since then--"

"Two years." I tapped my fingers on the crystal bench. "Crystal empire showed up about two years ago if I'm correct. Maybe three." I scratched my chin. "No...Tirek-- then humans showed up a few months after.... Been-- Uh, three years I think."

Sombra's eyes went wide as he swung around. "That's it?"

"Feels a lot longer when you're alone. No innuendo intended." I crossed my arms. "I've only been out here for a few weeks, feels like its been months."

Sombra held his head. "Ugh.... That's a sickening thought."

I scratched my chin with my thumb. "So, can I ask what's up with you? The no age thing I mean."

Sombra rubbed his head. "Uh.... Long story, involves ponies I'd really rather not bring up telling me what to do with something."

"Your father telling you not to shove things in your ass?" I asked, completely serious.

Sombra turned to me. "I--" He stopped dead and looked off towards the wall. "You're not completely wrong, you're still the mental equivalent of pond scum, but you're not completely wrong."

I frowned hard. "Solidarity?"

Sombra turned to me with a confused look. "For what?"

"Your husband made you immortal? I'm not immortal, but I know what people telling you not to--"

Sombra stomped his hoof. "If I wanted to talk about him with you, I would! Now shut your heathen mouth and sit quietly!" His voice boomed around the room near the end. His eyes glowed green for a bit before he shook it off. "He didn't make me immortal.... I tried to--"

I stared at him, holding my hands up slightly. "Are you alright?"

Sombra's right eye watered slightly. He looked up at me for a bit before turning away. "You sound the same...." He sighed deeply and turned to face the water. "Questing for ways to preserve those close to us, can find us ways to never be with them again." Sombra huffed. "He died, despite everything I did to save him, he died, yet I'm still here."

Sombra turned to me, eyes jammed shut. "Can you leave? I know you're going to make some joke or--"

I stood up and walked down towards the hall. "I'll be in kitchen."

Sombra lowered his head. "Thank you. I just need some time to reflect. It's been a while."

I nodded quickly and hurried out to where my clothes were waiting. I peeked my head back into the bath house. "Sombra!"

"I said I needed quiet!" He snapped around to face me, eyes billowing smoke.

I stared him dead on. "Enemies, friends, I don't know what we are. But a voice and an ear I will always be." I ducked back out of the room. "Collect your thoughts!"

Barber

I stared at Sombra as he walked into the kitchen. "Clothes this time?"

I shrugged and bit into some strange fruit. "They're dry."

Sombra shook his head. "Is that really the only reason you weren't wearing them?"

I nodded. "Damp clothes are--"

"Ask me...." Sombra walked over to the counter I was standing at and hopped onto a stool. "I could have dried them in two seconds."

I bit my lip. "You could have mentioned that." I set the fruit down and stretched my back. "Is there anything else I should know?"

Sobra grabbed a fruit from the counter and set it before himself. "I was king...I am a powerful unicorn...I have a curse that--"

I clapped my hands together. "Okay, start at the curse?"

Sombra snorted angrily. "It's tied with the pony I was--"

"Then dont." I turned to the pantry. "Honestly, if you don't feel comfortable--"

Sombra slammed his hoof into the counter. "I don't understand what the flying blue piss dragging pegasus you're saying! Shut up!"

I turned to him, glaring as best I could. "Okay! Okay! German? No? Stop me when you understand me! Polish? No? Good...terrible at it. *Russian? No--***"

Sombra leaned back. "Why do you speak Cervid?"

I stared at him, dead on. "Are you kidding me? *Russian?" I growled angrily and scratched my scalp. "It's not whatever you just called it! It's Russian! Dirty filthy evil language!***"

Sombra shook his head and bit into the fruit. "It's the language, or a match to say the least, for the Deer Tsardom's trade convoys. I don't mean to assume, but I'd say most deer speak Cervid."

I groaned softly, keeping my mouth shut and distorting the sound as I rubbed my head. "God damn it. And you traded with them? Great...because I love speaking the language they forced on us."

Sombra cleared his throat. "Then don't. Just--"

"I can speak Russian better than English." I rubbed my eyes and turned back to the counter with a can of beans, simply labeled Beans. "Fuck. You're a piece of shit, you know that!?"

Sombra held a hoof up. "I'm not making you speak anything!"

I rubbed my eyes, my body shook as I was flung back to home. "It's just not a good language. I don't like it."

"Did a deer kill your family? I don't really--"

I hit the counter with the can. "Can we get back to point?"

Sombra set his fruit aside. "It would seem like yours might be more pressing."

I leaned against the counter and propped my head up with my hand. "If I tell you-- I can't speak that right now. If I tell you, you going to tell me what happened to you?"

Sombra sighed heavily. "Story time...lovely."

I stood up and held my hands out, showing off the room. "We're here until the ice thaws at least a little, do you have a better idea?"

Sombra rubbed the counter with his hoof. "Mine is shorter." He looked towards the door. "A friend of mine died, I tried everything I could to bring him back--or rather to keep him with us. His death wasn't exactly clean." Sombra shifted his hooves down the counter. "I tied his spirit to a crystal, inlaid that crystal in armor to give him form. The crystal grew weak, I added more, and more, worked my nation hard, turned workers into slaves just to get more, went mad...." Sombra closed his eyes. "I know he died, but everything after that is a bit of a blur. I suppose I probably tangled with some forces I shouldn't have trying to keep him alive." Sombra rubbed his head. "I'm skipping details, I know. But I feel there's much you wouldn't understand."

I looked at the obnoxious black unicorn. "Magic is fable in my home, so I do think simplicity is best."

Sombra shook his head. "Some of the things I leave out aren't to make things simple. Some are just-- I can't remember." He put his hoof to his horn. "I remember making a deal with something in one of the bore mines, all the power I would ever need at the cost of something. I don't even remember what."

"Sanity." I leaned my back against the counter. "I think mine is much, much easier." I set the can down and took a deep breath. "I was a barber, people found out I was gay. They burned my shop. I killed the men who did it, and one who aided." I rubbed my mouth. "It's why I'm here."

Sombra tapped the counter with his hoof. "So, your plan was to turn me in for your bounty?"

"Original plan, yes." I turned to face him. He looked confused. "What?"

"Where did you kill?"

"Konigsberg, Russia."

Sombra's stare turned into a bemused glare. "And you're afraid they'll catch you?"

"Extradition." I rubbed my neck. "I tried to go to Poland, Germany, America, and those nations weren't on the best of terms. But each time I looked it up, the state was trying to find me." I tapped my fingers on the counter. "I killed six people, I didn't try to hide it. Political dissenters and refugees may have safety, but a murderer has no protection."

Sombra grunted and jerked his head to the side. "Murderer is a strong term.... Seems like belated self defense."

I shrugged. "Call it what you will, they were looking for me."

Sombra stared at me. "And you're afraid the Princesses would turn you over?"

"Someone, maybe not them directly." I scratched my head and held my can tight.

Sombra sighed lightly. "I-- I am a King."

"With no kingdom, and no chance at returning, and the hatred of a nation."

Sombra's face fell flat into a neutered expression. "I could rebuild. You know, not all of the ice storms were my fault, I took away the capital, yes, but--"

"You think you're going to appeal to the princesses?" I laughed heavily. "You'd have a worse chance than me!"

Sombra looked worried, his eyes narrowed towards my can. "I present myself to Celestia Herself, unarmed and clear minded-" his eyes began to smoke pure black again. "-I could get a chance-" the smoke thickened, green glow coming from the corners, "-I could--"

I slammed the counter with the can, snapping him awake. "Wake up!"

Sombra popped his eyes open. "What? What happened?!" He looked around the room, the smoke clearing from his eyes. "What?"

I scratched my neck, the stubble rather prickly. "You do this thing where your eyes catch fire."

Sombra's eyes flashed open, his mouth completely flat. "Hmm...."

"The curse?"

Sombra's eye twitched as he turned away. "Something I should probably deal with.... Been--I don't even know how long." He rubbed his horn.

I tapped my fingers on the counter. "Odd question, but can that curse stuff cause nightmares?"

Sombra slowly turned back to face me. "Have you--"

"This morning, yes. Three before I could actually wake up." I rubbed the side of my neck. "Should I be worried?"

Sombra sighed slightly. "Yes and no. It means my magic is returning, it also means that I'll be a bit more volatile."

I grumbled softly and tossed the can from hand to hand. "Any idea how we fix this?"

Sombra rolled his eyes. "Who's we?"

"You, and I." I set the can down and slid it towards him. "I help you reform, or repent, or whatever your plan is, you vouch for my safety."

Sombra smiled at me. "Ulterior motives even when offering to help save my mind." He laughed heartily, sounding like some Disney villain. "Oh my...I do like you, I don't think I've said that, but I can appreciate subtle evil."

I shrugged. "Not really evil, more realist."

Sombra laughed again. "Perhaps, but the deviousness--"

"Did I say I'd leave after?" I stood up and stretched my arms. "You're the first pony I've actually talked to for more than a day. You're one of the few people I've talked to for more than a day. And if I help you, I do expect something back."

Sombra stared up at me. We sat there, locked for a few moments. "Friends?"

I shrugged. "Until one of us stabs the other in the back. Which, I will try to avoid. I can only try so hard though."

Sombra continued to stare. He slowly let his eyes cross and stuck his tongue out. "Celestia damn.... I'm sure you'd have a problem not stabbing my back."

The room went completely still. I stood there, arms in the air. I let out a sharp giggle. "Was that a joke?"

Sombra fixed his face and turned away. "No!" He stormed out. "Isolation is making you mad!"

I started to snicker. "Oh shit, he fucking made a sex joke." I covered my mouth. "Oh god...perfect." I walked out and hung my head out into the hall. "Jokes are good! Keep you normal, not glowing eye'd maniac!"